RAISING CONSCIOUSNESS

In the News: New research on PTSD treatment unveils flaws in psychiatry's guessing game

2011-10-17T23:47:00.000-04:00

The following news article is the classic psychiatric guessing game in the "treatment" of mental illness. "Well, your antidepressant doesn't seem to be working (we really do not know why)... so lets try an antipsychotic to add to the mix (again, not really sure if this will end up working out)."

In the article, researchers state:

“We fully expected we would find it to be effective on the basis of preliminary studies that found risperidone effective and because it was so widely prescribed,” Krystal said. “But we found that it was not only not better than placebo at reducing overall symptoms, but also it was not better in reducing anxiety, depression, or in improving quality of life.”

This article further validates my own theory that psychiatry continues to abuse the human brain, like guinea pigs, in the treatment mental illness.

To end this post, I will quote the MOST IMPORTANT piece this article contains:

Such studies may prompt more people to seek help from psychotherapy, Berkowitz said. While medications seem to offer a quick and easy answer, they can fall short when it comes to treating complex disorders like PTSD, [Dr. Steven Berkowitz] added.

Medications are a seen, by society as whole, as a quick fix to a problem that requires a more in-depth evaluation of the true nature of it's etiology, nature, and treatment. There is no treatment more effective (or humane), than that of looking at each individual as a whole-person in their unique environment...

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References used in this post:
"Widely used PTSD drug fails test in combat veterans: Risperidone worked no better than placebo in easing overall symptoms, study finds." By Linda Carroll. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43994382/ns/health-health_care/#.TpzmBhxvZfw
Photo Credit:
http://www.sheller.com/practice-areas/practice-areas.php?title=Risperdal-risperidone

My Response

2011-10-13T00:37:00.000-04:00

The following is a message I sent to Amber Austin, an adoptive mother who recently initiated an online petition in response to an adoption story-line on Glee (Please go to this website to read more about this issue):

Ms. Austin,

Congratulations on the enormous response to your petition! I agree that adoption does get misportrayed often in the media for all those in the "adoption triad." I disagree, however, that this current issue depicted in Glee "scares" adoptive families. I cannot foreshadow what will happen in future episodes, as the plot has not been fully developed. But what the show has done, is depict the loss and grief a mother goes through after relinquishing her rights. I have no doubt in my mind that some birthmothers regret their decision and may have had similar thoughts in reuniting with their child. This is part of the grieving process. Like yourself and your fellow petitioners, everyone has a right to their opinion, however, your petition disrespects and ostracizes birthmothers and adoptees like myself.

Sincerely,

Melissa N.

Today in the news: An issue concerning mental illness

2011-10-04T19:38:00.000-04:00

Footage from the "GR Massacre" were released today. One of images released, a copy of Rodrick Dantzler's "suicide note."

"I'm tired of living with these demons in my head. I tried to get help, but the medicine didn't help."

This issue raises some important and thought-provoking questions. The social worker in me wonders, did Dantzler receive any other form of treatment besides medication for his mental illness? Even if he was taking medications as prescribed, did he (or society in general), rely on medications alone? Were there other avenues which were sought out?

"I can't start over--mentally, I'm so depressed. I can't hold my head up high. On the outside I was strong, but the inside is weak."

If only we lived in a society where prevention is more widely practiced than reactive measures. Or maybe better mental health services and aftercare for those involved the criminal justice system?

Photo from fox17online.com -

Back From Hiatus

2011-07-26T18:17:00.000-04:00

It has been awhile...

I am not quite sure why I have not blogged in so long. There are numerous excuses I can think of at the top of my head:

Started a new job/career
Moved back to my home city
Motherhood
Adulthood
Family/Friends ups and downs
... Or maybe just a lack of consistent internet access...

Regardless of the reasoning, the hiatus has ended. Blogging/writing is my own personal therapy, a way to process my inner and outer surroundings, leading toward personal awareness and psychological growth.

YAY!

Inspirational Art

2011-06-15T19:57:00.001-04:00

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Eating Disorder Awareness

2011-02-01T13:16:00.000-05:00

February is the National Eating Disorder Awareness Month. For those of you who do not know me, this issue is one that has personally affected me and still impacts me greatly on an emotional level.

**I know how triggering this topic can be for many so please take caution in reading. This post WILL HAVE CONTENT THAT IS SENSITIVE TO SOME READERS. YOU ARE READING AT YOUR OWN RISK.**

Eating disorders do not discriminate. They are apparent in many cultures, ethnicities, races and backgrounds. It is easy for some to view a picture or watch a show on television of an emaciated figure with bones portruding out of his or her skin, and see that that person has some sort of eating disorder. What many don't realize, however, is that people who are at a "normal" or "above normal" weight can also have some type of eating disorder. Regardless of what type, all eating disorders (EDs) center around the attitudes, behaviors and emotions tied to issues with food and weight.

Eating disorders include:

Anorexia Nervosa- self-starvation and excessive weight loss.

Bulimia Nervosa- cycle of bingeing and behaviors preventing weight gain such as self-induced vomiting or laxative use.

Binge Eating Disorder- binge eating without behaviors to prevent weight-gain.

What causes EDs?
There is no one cause in the development of an eating disorder. Some say it's genetics, some argue it is environmental, and some believe it's cultural. I personally believe all these factors can play a role.

However, no matter what the cause, awareness is crucial. "You can't put a face on an eating disorder... but you CAN face them."

Resources:
National Eating Disorders Association
Something-Fishy

Reactive Attachment Disorder in Infants & Todders?

2011-01-31T13:29:00.002-05:00

While researching attachment and bonding, I came across the Infant Attachment Checklist, a 27-item measure used in the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) in infants and toddlers:

Cries; miserable all the time, chronically fussy

Resists comforting or nurturance

Resists or dislikes being held

Poor eye contact or avoids eye contact

Flat, lifeless affect (too quiet)

Likes playpen or crib more than being held

Rarely cries (overly good baby)

Angry or rageful when cries

Exceedingly demanding

Looks sad or empty-eyed

Delayed milestones (creeping, crawling, etc.)

Stiffens or becomes rigid when held

Likes to be in control

Does not hold on when held (no reciprocal holding)

When held chest to chest, faces away

Doesn't like head touched (combed, washed)

Generally unresponsive to parent

Cries or rages when held beyond his wishes

Overly independent play or makes no demands

Reaches for others to hold him rather than parent

Little or reduced verbal responsiveness

Does not return smiles

Shows very little imitative behavior

Prefers Dad to Mom

Gets in and out of parents lap frequently

Physically restless when sleeping

Does not react to pain (high pain tolerance)

I'm not sure how I feel about RAD diagnosed in infancy and toddlerhood. Personally, through hearing how I behaved during this period, I could check off several items on this list. I was a non-responsive baby. Originally, my foster mother sent me to the doctor twice because she felt I slept too much. After everything checked out the first time, she sought a second opinion. I was given several tests: thyroid, hearing, a metabolic screen, and an EEG. There was "some abnormality due to low amplitude of responses." But I could hear, the experts just didn't know how I responded the way I did.

It will be interesting to see what future research discovers about infant bonding and attachment.

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Photo retrieved from: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/rie-and-attachment-theory-why-earliest-relationships-matter-the-21st-annual-rie-conference-featuring-sir-richard-bowlby/

Letting Go of Shame

2011-01-25T22:56:00.000-05:00

While watching the Oprah episode "Family Secret," where Oprah revealed her recent discovery and reunion with her half-sister, I was touched by Oprah's words to her mother. "Let the shame go" she said, in regards to the shame her mother holds for placing her daughter up for adoption. I would add, however, that I believe it is important for every member in the adoption triad to let go of the shame.

There have been many bloggers posting about this story the past couple of days. Whether you believe Oprah was in the dark about her half-sister or not, I feel it is important to note her words about shame. Shame can be experienced in all members of the adoption triad; birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees.

Society casts an ugly judgmental cloud onto unmarried pregnant women. As a result, birthmothers often experience shame through the events leading them to become pregnant. In addition, birthmothers feel shame when placing a child. Shame in adoptees is often experienced as though "there must be something wrong with me or she wouldn't have given up." For adoptees, I say this: in order to let go of the shame, you must love and accept your true self. It was not your fault. Adoptive parents may feel shame over their infertility. Society's views on what constitutes the ideal "traditional family" may cause parents to feel like they have been cursed and have shame in themselves for their inability to bear children.

So how do we all let go? First, we need to acknowledge we feel shame. This can be the most difficult for some people. It is hard to recognize our own emotions and allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. Second, we need to understand where the shame comes from. Then, finally, we need to accept ourselves for who we are (our true self) and let the shame go.

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Photo retrieved from: http://www.mushin.eu

Disclaimer

2011-01-24T15:31:00.000-05:00

In order to protect readers and myself, I've added a disclaimer. Please take a look here! I'm also still working with the new title. I'm very indecisive!

Announcement: Blog Changes

2011-01-21T22:30:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed some noticeable changes to my blog. So far, I have changed the design significantly, while adding some new gadgets and page elements. I am also working on the title as the focus of my blog has changed. Please feel free to comment on the changes or if you have any ideas!

Blog Title and Focus

Within the next few days, I will be going through my entire blog; archiving and removing the posts most relevant to the blog title, "Confessions of a Fat Bride." When I first embarked on my blogging journey in 2008, I was in a different place and stage in my life. Several significant changes in my life have happened over the past three years. In a relatively brief synopsis, the significant events included: graduating with a BA in psychology, the cancellation of my wedding, getting pregnant, starting graduate school, becoming a homeowner, giving birth to my son, grief and loss, graduating with MSW, starting the search process, rejections, finding my birth mother, and FINALLY I am beginning to find true myself.

Therefore, the new focus of this blog will be detailing my healing journey in finding my authentic self. In addition, as a social worker, I hope to also provide insights into practice and research about topics I feel most passionately about.

Gadgets

The goals I have for my blog are; (1) increase traffic to my blog, (2) build an online blogging presence, and (3) increase reader interaction.

I've always allowed comments on my blog and I love when readers comment. Hopefully as more readers visit, comments and interaction will increase. I always appreciate feedback, so in addition to comments, I added reactions at the end of each post.

*Picture retrieved from: http://www.purswell.com/services.html. © by Broderbund

Rejection and the Adult Adoptee

2011-01-20T14:20:00.003-05:00

After 14 interviews, 5 rejection letters, 2 rejection phone calls, and zero job offers, I felt compelled to blog about job rejection. Since I am an adult adoptee, and after extensive soul searching and therapy, I have found the issues I have with rejection are directly related to the fact that I was adopted. I take rejection as a personal attack on my sense of self.

Nancy Verrier, a psychotherapist and adoptive mother, briefly wrote about her experiences with adoptees and their issues with work and rejection. In her book, the Primal Wound she states:

Now while many people would just go on to the next interview and keep pursuing it until a job was found, the adoptee will often feel paralyzed by that initial rejection. It is felt, not just as failure to have the necessary skills or training for the job, but as a rejection of the basic person. He was not good enough for the job. He was a failure. This makes going out and facing the next interview seem like a monumental task.

I really connect to Verrier's words, like she is personally speaking to me. She goes on to describe how the fear of rejection may be connected to a sense of unworthiness felt by the adoptee, ending in self-sabotage:

The fear of rejection in the workplace is often accompanied by a fear of success or an inability to believe in one's competency or expertise. There is a kind of self rejection of one's own talents and capabilities, which sometimes results in a sabotaging of one's success.

Many people can recall their first experiences of rejection; getting picked last in gym class or not being able to play with the "cool" kids on the playground in elementary school. For adoptees, on the other hand, we cannot remember our initial reactions to our abandonment at birth (unless you were adopted at an older age). We, as adoptees, don't have a reference point for our early experiences with rejection. What often ends up happening, is a belief develops into thinking that one's personal value is the reason for the rejection. In my personal experiences with rejection, particularly in regards to jobs, I often think I was not "good enough" as a person or that I was "unworthy" for the job.

However, everybody experiences rejection throughout the course of their life; whether it is through significant others, school, sports teams, and in the workplace. So, if everybody encounters rejection some point in their life, why do some react more strongly than others?

In my opinion, the answer to that question comes down to how each individual deals with loss. Adoptees, like myself, were faced with the loss of her biological mother at a very young and vulnerable age (in my case, in infancy). Being unable to mourn with the loss of one's biological mother, the person may not be able to effectively cope with later losses in life. In dealing with rejection, the inability to cope comes in many forms, including; personalization ("I must have said something wrong during the interview"), catastrophizing ("I'll never find a job," "I am going to lose my house," etc.), or even denial ("I didn't even want that job in the first place").

So how do we get over the negative beliefs of ourselves and stop taking rejection so personally? We first need be aware that there is a problem and we need to be motivated to change how we think about ourselves. The biggest challenge for me is to remind myself that it wasn't my fault. It was nothing I did or did not do... I am who I am and the best employer for me will realize this. My day will come...

The Emotional Dangers of Facebook

2011-01-05T18:02:00.001-05:00

*Post Removed by Author*

Role of Social Workers in Adoption

2011-01-02T18:13:00.000-05:00

In order to prepare for a job interview, I decided research what exactly the role is of social workers throughout the adoption process. I thought I would share what I found in my research.

Role of Social Workers
Here is an excerpt from the National Association of Social Workers on their website, written by Deborah Gray, MSW, MPA:

Homestudies are completed on every adoptive family. The homestudy is an interviewing and educational process in which families are assessed to determine whether they can provide a safe and nurturing home. It is also an opportunity to provide adoption-specific information to families. It helps them to position themselves realistically in determining potential needs of children and their resources to meet those needs.

Social workers complete the homestudies and help acquaint families with adoption issues during the homestudy process. The homestudy process helps families to make realistic decisions including whether they can care for one child, a sibling group, or children with special needs. They explore such concepts as continuing contact with birthfamilies, the lifelong identity processes of adoptive family members, transracial or transcultural adoption, and their own strengths, limitations, and expectations.

PTSD and Adoption Trauma

2010-12-22T17:10:00.002-05:00

I have been reading a good deal literature of the theory regarding the aftereffects that adoption has on each member of the adoption triad, mainly adult adoptees. James (1989) describes trauma as "overwhelming, uncontrollable experiences that psychologically impact victims by creating feelings of helplessness, vulnerability, loss of safety, and loss of control. Typically, the sources of trauma include: child abuse and/or neglect, or violence one witnesses in his/her environment. Less commonly understood as a source of trauma is that of the separation of an infant's natural mother.

Birth in itself is a traumatic experience for the newborn. However, I believe, the mother comforting HER baby after the labor/birth buffers the negative effects experienced later by the baby. What if mom was stripped away from that poor helpless baby... not able to provide that much needed comfort.... Instead, she is replaced with some other form surrogate comfort.

In PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), the person's response to the trauma is that of fear, helplessness, or horror (that was not present before the trauma). This is rather sketchy to determine with adoption trauma, since all newborns were most likely terrified after coming out of the birth canal, when in the womb, it felt safe. Therefore, I will focus more on the effects after the initial trauma.

It is after the traumatic event, where the parallels start to become more clear. First, in PTSD the person re-experiences the traumatic event in one of several ways. (Please click this link for more information on the DSM-IV-TR (APA, 2004) criteria). Ever since I have been learning more about my origins and adoption experiences, I have been waking up periodically in a sweat from nightmares. I do not remember the details of them, but my partner also tells me there have been nights where I have yelled out in my sleep. Freud would have a field day in the analysis of my dreams! (Note: In children, there may be dreams without recognizable content.... regression?)

Secondly, the person AVOIDS situations or feelings associated with the trauma. Pretty much throughout my entire childhood and adolescence (and until this point in my life), I have been avoiding all reminders of being adopted. "She isn't my real mother. She just gave birth to me." "My parents are my REAL parents so STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!" These are the typical statements of my adolescence and young adulthood... denial. From what I have been reading of other adult adoptee experiences, this seems to be a common theme.

Third, the person has persistent symptoms of "increased nervous system arousal" not present before the trauma. For example, I have had disruption in my sleep patterns, increased irritability, and hyper-vigilance.

And finally, the experiences must cause "clinically significant" distress or "impairment in social, occupational" or other areas of life. In my case, the constant self-sabotage in interviews and not being able to get a job would definitely go under this category.

This is just an overview. As I start to really delve into my experiences and interpret my psychological realities I will post more. So look for more later!

Also, please comment any reactions, similar experiences, or differences in opinion. I would REALLY appreciate any insight to others' experiences!!

Melissa Nicholson's Portfolio: WELCOME TO MY PORTFOLIO! **This Site is Still Un...

2010-12-22T13:07:00.000-05:00

Melissa Nicholson's Portfolio:
WELCOME TO MY PORTFOLIO!

**This Site is Still Un...: "WELCOME TO MY PORTFOLIO! **This Site is Still Under Construction** Even though the site is still a 'work in progress', please feel free ..."

The Unborn Truth

2010-12-21T19:13:00.001-05:00

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Hopelessly Unemployed

2010-12-21T13:21:00.000-05:00

So I am really beginning to think that I have no future other than being a mother. It is just not in the stars for me I suppose. Just to think that all that money was just all a waste. Thousands upon thousands of dollars spent on higher education to get me where I am today. Unemployed. Hopeless.

I used to admire this woman. She seemed so strong and ambitious. Nothing could get her down. No man would dare go against her.

Where did my strength go? Where is the ambition?

I am beat down and hopeless...

Love the Way You Lie

2010-12-11T17:43:00.007-05:00

It took me 4 months to listen to the song "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem, featuring Rihanna. I still cannot bring myself to sit through the music video, as the song is emotionally triggering in itself, it brings back all those painful memories that have been stored deep into subconsciousness. However, one my ever-so-trustworthy defense mechanisms, intellectualization, helps me truly appreciate this piece of music. Eminem portrays the dynamics of domestic violence extremely well, although at the times, seems more extreme than most cases that I have seen. Nonetheless, aside from the dramatic effect, I am sure perpetrators sometimes do think "if she ever tries to fucking leave again Im'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire." That's the beauty of this song: the abuser loves the victim, but the need for control leads to violence, and ultimately turns love into hate.

Finding My Birth Mother

2010-12-08T17:30:00.004-05:00

It has been 10 days since I found my birthmother. I am over the initial shock, as I found her only on a whim the day after Thanksgiving. I randomly decided to visit www.registry.adoption.com where I typed in my birthdate and the location of my birth into the quick search feature. After I hit "search" my heart started pounding. Louder than I have felt it pound in my entire life. I then went into a panic as I read her profile description. "No way, this can't be her," I kept telling myself. I hastily wrote her an email*:

Hello,

I recently joined this site and after typing in my birth date and state your profile came up.... Please contact me back if you think you may be my birthmother.

Thank you so much,

Melissa

Less than 10 minutes later she responded. In her email she said, as far as she knew, her birthdaughter's name was Julie which could have been a name given at the foster parents home before going to the adoptive home. She also stated she was "under the impression" of the relative location of the adoptive family. I started to panic even more, my beginning to shake. She was correct on the area which we lived. "This cannot be happening," I continued to say to myself.

I called my (adoptive) mother, who was in the car with my (adoptive) father on the way to Florida. Since my father doesn't know what's going on at this point, I started speaking with my mother in "code". I asked her if she knew anything about a name given to me during my foster placement. She said, she didn't know why, but it had came to her the other day. She never wrote it down and (surprise), out of the blew, she remembered it. I asked her if it started with a "J" and she confirmed. She then began to cry. My dad was outside filling the gas tank when my mom started to break down. She told me that they had waited 5 years for me and it was meant to be... she wouldn't change anything but feels "bad about the divorce" and how that has affected us. She felt she was being replaced. My panic was replaced with pain. Pain for my mother as I felt her sorrow as we continued to speak. I told her that she was "non-replaceable," that she was (and will always be) my hero for her courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship. I told her she was still my mother, and I would not be who I am or where I am today without my life experiences. "This was and is not your fault. I love you mom."

*Edited Content

Early Art

2010-12-08T14:01:00.007-05:00

I know art is not about the end product is more about the "process," but now that I look at this piece I feel aggravated. I love certain aspects, the "broken womb" image especially. The perfectionist part of me, however, dislikes the tears. The image I wanted to be portrayed was clear in my mind but I couldn't accurately depict what I saw onto the paper. My lack in artistic ability I suppose.

My "Inner Child"

Dear Birthmother (On My Birthday)

2010-07-22T16:46:00.002-04:00

Dear Birthmother

I wanted to express to you today on my birthday

25 years later, I am finding the lost words

that for years have been locked and stored away.

I am finally beginning to understand

how you must have felt first hand.

The first moment I held my son

tightly against my chest.

I caught a glimpse of you

and unleashed emotions that have been repressed.

The bond between a mother and her unborn

will remain forever

and can never be torn.

Like the fine white grains of sand,

wherever they may drift,

they always will remain part of the land.

Today I wonder if you still think of me

examining the reasons that you did flee.

I want to let you know

in my heart those reasons will never matter.

I will continue to think of you

and wonder if your heart is still in shatters.

The Love of My Life

2010-06-03T21:53:00.003-04:00

Having Logan has been the best experiences of my life. Words cannot express how much this beautiful extension of myself as truly changed my life.

Throughout my entire pregnancy onward, I have realized the lasting importance of attachment. Even throughout the womb, the unborn child and mother are symbiotically bonding to one another. The fetus becomes familiar with the mother's voice and her heart beat which is carried through pregnancy onto the rest of the newborn's life. When Logan was about 2 months old I witnessed the beauty in his attachment towards me, his biological mother. I was shocked to reflect back on my own birth and how I did not have the same attachment period to my own birthmother. I bonded with her in the womb and was torn away from the mother that I was bonded to and thrown into a foster home for three months. I believe that, subconsciously, this early period in my life has made a lasting impact on my development and who I am as a person.

The Next Step

2010-05-03T12:57:00.003-04:00

I am done with school. After this Friday I will be officially done and in approximately 4-6 weeks will be able to put the letters LLMSW behind my name. I oddly feel calm. Unlike before where I was terrified beyond belief with the idea that I would have no obligations, I feel relaxed. I am amazingly stress free. My priorities consist of working twice a week, looking for a job, and get some work done around the house. It is a nice feeling to be me again, to not be bogged down with school. It is also a time where I can focus on myself, getting back into shape. I worked out today and it felt great... no pain whatsoever. It is amazing how much stress can take a toll on the body. I have decided that the chronic pain that I have been experiencing the past few months was mostly stress induced. There is no other explanation... I am now stress-free and pain-free. I feel amazing.

I feel like I need to tell my parents of my plans to search for my birthmother. I don't want to deceive them by going behind their backs. I want them to be involved in the search for my identity. I just don't feel right excluding them, even though I know it would be easier. I think they probably have thought of the prospect of this even when I was very little; that one day their little girl will have desire to find her roots. It is nothing personal; they are my parents and I love them. They have provided me with all I could ever ask for even though there are parts of my childhood I wish to forget. I just need to know why. I need to know why she gave me up. I need to know if she felt any pain, if she still feels pain. I need to know about my conception. Was it consensual? Did she give me up out of pure Catholic guilt? Did she truly, in her heart, want me to have a better life? If so, was my life better? Was it all worth the years of struggling with the unconscious sense of abandonment that has guided my behaviors? Will I finally find myself, who I truly am and who I was meant to become?

New Beginnings?

2010-04-29T12:09:00.002-04:00

I am sitting here in the blank cubicle that I recently cleared of my personal artifacts made over the past three months. I cannot believe this is my last day here. I always have a hard time dealing with change especially when I have given a lot of myself and have been taught many lessons from my kids who are now gone. I become attached to physical places and it becomes hard towards the end to separate myself from a place where I have overcome struggles and have learned more about myself. I know that I have had a difficult time here, however, I believe that I have learned more here than I have at any other internship/job. I wonder: will these attachments continue to effect me over time or will I develop a numbness to abandonment?

Done

2010-04-29T00:10:00.002-04:00

Well, tonight marks the end of graduate school. I had my final class tonight and tomorrow is my last day as an intern. I am officially embarking on my new career which is currently unknown. Michigan sucks. There are no jobs. It is so bad that people with PhDs are applying for entry level therapist positions. That is my competition... great! All the other graduates are ecstatic to be done, most of which are on the same path as myself. Others have obtained positions through their internships... too bad I wasn't as lucky! I have sent cover letters and resumes for at least 10 positions. I have not heard back from a single one. I will start to call next week. I have no choice. It's not like I don't have anything better to do. Oh, I will be blogging more! That is always a plus!