I AM (not) - Natalie Witcher

I Couldn't Do It, but it Wasn't Because of Her

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:32:00 +0000

I like my dog Lucy, but I don't like the fact that she does dog things. I mean, she can't help it, but I wish she could.

She's sweet, but she has bad breath, so don't get in my face.

She doesn't eat much, but poops a lot.

She is obedient, but still doesn't understand that it's not nice to jump on strangers...or me.

She is protective, but doesn't realize that the same kids get off the same bus every day at the same time so the barking is one of those dog things I wish she wouldn't do. But, hey, she's dog.

She is hairy and it falls off in more amounts that I like. And it's black.

She's not that big, but big enough to knock over small children with her tail.

See, she's a great dog except for the fact that she's a dog.

My sweet husband is a dog lover. If it was his way, she'd sleep with us every night, but because of the previous list...it ain't happnin'.

I don't want to be the one who gets her way aaalll the time, so we've kept Lucy for 6 years now. We got her one Christmas when the girls were little, and honestly, I didn't think they cared that much.

Just this week I thought, "I think I want to get rid of Lucy, but I don't want to hurt JT's feeling because he likes her and all, and well, I just don't want to be that mean." Still, we talked about it and he assured me that yes he likes Lucy, but it's not like they're tight or anything.

It was time to give her away.

Thank God! er, I mean, ahh, you sure?

So, I hear JT breaking the news to the big girls the other night, when I realized I could hear sniffing and consoling. I walked in the room (notice I wasn't even in on the conversation. I think I was twittering or something) and mercy, you'da thought we'd just told them that we're moving to Alaska and we'll never be in touch with any of our friends....ever!

Are you kidding? Are these the same kids that yell at Lucy to "GET DOWN! GET DOWN!" off the trampoline? Are these the same kids that forget to let her out of the dog run after jumping and playing outside? What are all these tears? Why all the sobbing? WHAT'S GOING ON!?!?!

I sat between them on the couch. Goose could hardly contain her weeping. Boog just stared off then flopped over on my lap. I was stuck between a weeper and a sobber.

What to do. What to do.

Their faces! Their sweet, sobbing, red, puffy faces! What else could I do?

"Lucy can stay," I say with a mustered up compassion. I couldn't just sit there and see those faces and say, "Welp, that's life!"

I caved.

I figure we got a few more years with Lucy and I didn't want to hear the stories later in life from my grown up girls about how mom broke their hearts and made them get rid of Lucy.

See, it's still all about what I want.

I win.

I'm A Brat

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 14:03:00 +0000

There are ugly things in all of us, right? Right. The one I notice that creeps up is when I find myself wringing my hands and worrying about all the "what-if's" and "if-only's" surrounded by a certain circumstance in my life.

I worry. I fret. I try to make plans and activate the situation to behave differently. I secretly stomp my foot and pout my face and say my prayers in such a way that it might sound more like an adult addressing an unpleasant problem than a 4 year old demanding her way and telling her Daddy all the reasons why she neeeeds what she is asking for.

I can be a real brat.

Not only can I get all up in a tizzy about this, but I can begin to formulate my own way out, and not trust that God will do it for me. Amazing what I will do for my kids in spite of a fit, but not because of it. If my kids would just wait and behave a bit more appropriately, things might look a little bit better for them. This logic works well on myself after a few days of self-pity.

Good news. God's not even like the good parents....He's better.

Even during my "fit" God answered the prayers we needed. I believe He did because my husband has so much faith, but I have to admit, He loves me too and delights in taking care of me.

I'm not saying I got everything I wanted just because I threw a fit, mild, but a fit, none the less. I'm saying, He provided because He said He would. Because He is faithful, not me. Because He is the giver of all good things, not me. Because He's God and I'm not. (Huh, there are no personal pronouns in those sentences. I should remember that.)

However, just before the prayer was answered, He was preparing me. You see, I knew my behavior was ugly and unjustified and so God lovingly let my husband put me in my place. We had, seriously, a great conversation that came very (super)naturally, and it addressed my "issues" and brat-ness. I believe God moved in my heart before He moved in our situation. (I still think He would have come thru because my husband is so cool, but He let me in on it too) :)

After all was said and done, I confessed that I can still be a brat. I can still display worry and doubt and even anger and flare up with entitlement issues. It's embarrassing. It's tiring. But, it's in the end, He becomes bigger and I become more aware of His goodness.

Brat or no brat, He is good.

Snorts, Grunts, and Jerks

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:00:00 +0000

Can I just deviate from all things spiritual for a minute and talk about something a little bit more personal?

Okay....

I snore when I sleep.

Now, to be clear, I don't snore when I'm not pregnant, but seein' as how I'm growing a baby, for some reason my nasal area isn't working very well. It's embarrassing! I try to stay on one side or the other, but inevitably, I end up on my back and all sorts of things happen. In fact, I've been awoken by the snort coming out of my nose...or is it my mouth? eww

Poor Pastor JT, he has to literally nudge me so that I'll roll over! I mean, COME ON! I thought it was the wife that nudged the husband, right, RIGHT!? But, nooo, it's the pregnant girl who is but a mere 18 weeks along! What's going to happen when I'm full term?! Will I need to be on one of those things for people with sleep apnea? Or will I have to prop myself up on my pillows? Sleep in a chair? Oh, the drama.

However, the BEST is when I'm about to fall asleep and a weird, short grunt comes out. That wakes me up every time. And, as I'm coming out of sleep in that short, half second, I realize it's me and I'm soon laughing and the fact that I GRUNTED myself out of sleep.

Or what about those not-so-deep-dreams that have you doing those weird, full body sleep jerks? Those are ha-larious when you're the one still awake and your hubs is the one jerking the whole bed. Pastor JT once had a big red dodge ball thrown at him. I, just last night, was floating on a log and fell face first in the water. That sleep jerk woke me right up and, once again, struck me funny! Why I was on a log in the water, I'll never know.

So, all that to say, it would be nice to go a whole night without snoring, grunting or sleep-jerking.

Anyone?

I Don't Know What My Gifts Are

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:00:00 +0000

I find that statement to sometimes be true when I'm talking to someone about having spiritual gifts. You know, those intangible things that we use to minister to people that come from the Holy Spirit, but should be easy to define, but more than half of us don't know what they are? You follow?

Here's the deal, I believe that the enemy likes to make us think that we can't know what we don't know because we don't have enough knowledge, or we're just not "spiritual" enough. To that I say, "Hogwash!" He is the king when it comes to smoke screens. Blow the smoke away and listen up!

The Word teaches that God has given each of us gifts in the Spirit. They aren't hard to define and really aren't difficult to figure out. Maybe we sometimes believe that they need to look or even "feel" a certain way.

I myself have wrestled with "what are my gifts?" Here are the things I use (and remind myself of).

1. We have the Word of God that lists out what they are. Look here and here to start with.

2. We have the most amazing thing called the Internet. You can take "spiritual gifts assessment" and those will help you find what you might be gifted in. I used this one. There are many. Take more than one. I have.

3. You have a personality that lends itself to different talents, passions, and burdens.

4. You have the Holy Spirit in you who will guide you into all truth and will show you what He has gifted you in. Have you taken the time to ask?

5. You have a burden for something, right? What upsets you? What makes you cry? What kicks your "I can help that" antenna into gear?

6. You have natural gifts that are enhanced by the Spirit. Oddly enough, He created both of them.

7. You have a God who has called you to be a minister. What that looks like is between you and Him, but you have to be willing to humble yourself, listen in the Spirit (which means, take time to "hear" what's in your heart and head), and get in the Word. Ask Him what you need to be a minister to.

8. You cannot compare with other people.

9. Your "giftings" might be different in different seasons, however, I believe there are core gifts that the Spirit will use in you all the time.

10. The enemy has no authority to tell you that you aren't gifted. Give him the boot!

Any questions? :)

The Secret Lives of Pastor's Wives

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:00:00 +0000

Title got you didn't it? (heh heh)

Well, to be honest, there are no secrets. Well, there could be, but then that would put us in the category of everyone else, right? So, with Pastor's wives, lives are easy, spiritual, and always worshipful. Riiiight.

Wait, didn't you know that all Pastor's wives can cook the best food, anoint someone with oil while taking communion, pray and do laundry at the same time, and take midnight calls because she's on her knees burning the oil and getting ready to get up with the crack of dawn to make home made sweaters before winter comes? You didn't know that?

You probably didn't know that Pastor's wives always, and I mean always have it together. We never worry or doubt. We never gossip or mess up. We always have dinner ready and our children never talk back.

You're smiling aren't you? You smile because you know that isn't the truth. The truth is, we're just like you. Yes, yes, some are amazing, but they still have gas and bad breath in the morning. Yes, some are amazing mentors and leaders, but they too need to know they are loved and valued and prayed for.

Most of us? We are walking the road of diapers, dishes, disturbances, and danger, just like everyone else. We cry and laugh and sin. We get tired because our husbands are busy just like yours.

We love you, love the church, love Jesus, but we're normal. Let me ask you two questions:

Are you a Pastor's wife? Then head over to Leading and Loving It. Lori and Brandi are building a place just for you.
Do you know a Pastor's wife? Give her a hug this weekend and tell her you are praying for her.

Neither? Then Hi, I'm Natalie, I'm a Pastor's wife and I'm just like you.

Interrupted

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:09:00 +0000

There something about me I don't like. I don't like my life being interrupted.

Now, it's not what you might think. You, dear reader, could call me in the middle of the day and I could chat it up for hours. However, if in that call you say, "Hey, I know it's tonight, but could you come up to the church and serve?" I find that something inside me goes askew. This is not a good thing.

(insert transparency)

Just last Saturday, the kids department was short some workers in the 2 year old room. One faithful leader asked me if I would fill the spot. "Sure!" I say with joy, while inside I'm throwing a fit.

Interrupted.

Two days ago, my little neighbor girl asks if she can stay at our house until her dad gets home. "Um, what time will that be sweetie?" "I dunno."

Interrupted.

Some of these interruptions simply need an adjustment of mind. Little budge of attitude and I'm all set. Other times, these interruptions leave me upset, agitated and pert near angry. Those are the times I'm concerned about.

So, what do I do? I ask God, "What the heck's wrong with me? Why do I do that?"

I could fill in the blank.

Pride
Selfish
Lazy
Aloof

But, really, what I have done is forgotten that my life is not my own, I was bought with a price and therefore should honor God with my body. A.K.A.... me. That includes my agenda, whether or not it's big or busy. A bump in the flow of my life needs to be recognized by me that it could be placed there by God and not just there to agitate me.

When I make all things about me, I am by no means doing "nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit." I'm not "considering others better than myself" or "looking out for their interest."

Soooo not Jesus.

So what do I do now? Pay attention. Pay attention to my reaction to different situations and remember that He will provide all I need for life. I just have to make sure I provide Him with a life.

A Letter To the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:26:00 +0000

Dear Christmas,

You are, hands down, my favorite time of year. I realize, however, you are still eight weeks away from arriving, but I wanted to tell you that I am making preparations.

I have taken down the three things my kids wants for you, because, you see, they only get three gifts from us when you get here because that's what Baby Jesus got. We won't, however, be giving them gifts of the same value because we just can't afford the cost of those gifts given by very rich dudes, but you get the point.

Also, we are currently looking through the Gospel For Asia's gift catalog to pick out something for those who live in Asia that don't have near the ease of life that we do. I pray they are blessed.

I am, however, resiting the urge to get down all my decorations for you at this time. I already want to get the tree up, and the lights on the house, of course, which is the hubs job, because it just is. I think it would be a bit premature to decorate for your arrival at this time. Sorry. Until then, I have purchased candles that smell like either cookies or pine, but I don't light them at the same time because eww.

Something else we are going to do for you is help at The Tapestry Project with a Christmas Store. We will sell items to those who are under-resourced and help them have a wonderful time with you as we do.

But, above all this, what I pray is that as much as I love your arrival, I pray that I remember why you come around every year. Even if the rest of the world dresses you up in as a sweet tempered old man in a red suit with eight flying reindeer, I want to dress you in swaddling clothes and kneel in humility.

The rest of the world might smile with me at the wonder of the lights and laugh as we drink apple cider, and as much as I cherish those things, I want to make sure I never lose my wonder of The Light who came into the world and never stop drinking the Living Water from Him.

Dear, dear Christmas, I love the lights, snow, and even Santa, and I thank you for such wonderful things. But most of all, when I welcome you this year, I pray that you and I both never lose sight of the One who came to give us good news of great joy!

See you in a few weeks!

Natalie

Over Yonder

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Hey, psst, head over to The Internet Cafe! I'm over there today talking about how my girly-girl wanted to wear a bra too early!

On Her Watch

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:17:00 +0000

There was a time in her life when she loved and hated him. Her father was an alcoholic, but the kind that, thankfully, never laid a hand on her. He loved her and her siblings regardless of the amount of booze on his breath.

Her mom was a hot-headed Irish woman with a wit to boot. She grew up knowing that she was loved even though her home was as dysfunctional as a reality TV show. It didn't come without scars.

Self-esteem issues have plagued her most of her life. Fear of rejection has crouched at her door more than once. However, even with these things in her life, she has been a shining anchor in mine.

My mom, Jolene, is the finest woman I know.

She married my dad, Glenn, and the ripe old age of 19 and has been smitten ever since. His love for her not only carried her, but carried her parents as well. He loved them as any young, respectable Christian man should.

Two anchors digging in the foundations of life were about to embark on years of both hurricanes and calm seas.

My earliest memory of my mom is when I was about three, maybe younger. Nope, had to be three because we were in my brothers room when he was a baby. He was sleeping and I guess I needed Mommy because I was the one on her lap who she was singing to.

The next memory is on that same lap, but this time I was crying and in pain. I had just tried to push the glass back door open and it was latched. I crashed through it, cutting my wrist. I sat on her lap, crying through the pain, as she held a cold rag on it.

It's never changed. When I've needed her, she's been there. If I'm looking for a good belly laugh, I just need to go to mom's and hang out for the day. If I need encouragement and a booster shot for esteem, I call her and we tell each other how wonderful we are.

You see, my mom, is a stronghold breaker.

You haven't read about her alcoholism or my dad being a drunk, right? That's because she had taken the shoulders of her legacy and turned them north. She would not let the sin of her father be carried over into her little family. Not on her watch.

And she succeeded.

My parents have three children: my sister, Carrie, me, and my brother, Casey. Because of their fierce love for Christ and for us, the three of us are Christ followers and we have the best time together.

I have had many people in my life tell me that our family is, well, weird. We all like each other, we all like spending time together, and we do it often. Sure, we have our "family" moments, but they are never long-lived. Mom made sure of that.

She made sure we went to each other's events. I sat in the bleachers and watched my skinny, little brother scramble around a basketball court. I sat in other bleachers and watched my skinny, big sister ride around on those giant, scary animals we call horses. And in return, they sat in the pews and watched me tickle the ivory's and sing to the heavens.

Those moments created in us a unique love for one another. We get excited when one succeeds and are sad with them with failure hits. We aren't jealous of each other, but lovingly and humbly recognize each others strengths and talents.

All this because of my mom.

Oh, there is so much more I could say, but I'll finish with this. If you want to learn how to love people, spend time with my mom. If you need to learn how to have a bigger heart, sit and have coffee with Jo. In the mood for a good laugh? Just go have lunch with her. Need, for a moment, to feel like you are the coolest, smartest, and most creative person on the planet, here let me introduce you to my mom, Jolene.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Two Times is Better Than One...I hope! :)

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

I borrowed a friend's video camera for awhile, and well, ended up keeping it for a loooong time. But, that's not the point. What I'm trying to write about is the fact that I found an old home video from 2004 and popped it in just yesterday.

I knew the big girls were on it, so we snuggled on the couch around the 2x3 inch screen (because I can't, for the life of me, figure out how to get it on the TV). I can't believe how much my girls have changed in just 5 short years. They were so tiny, my heart nearly swelled out of my chest just sitting there listening to them talk. Oh, I thought they were so big at 4 and 6!

Their faces, little-ness, and baby teeth tugged at my heartstrings. There on the couch with me, they were 5 years older. One with all sorts of metal in her mouth, beautifully shaping her teeth. She is now sporting glasses and says stuff like, "I don't like my hair." Oh, child, you will one day see your beauty!

The other asked if she could wear make-up for the day since we weren't going anywhere. That right there ages her a good year :) Her beauty inside and out is a thrill to watch.

They are by no means "all grown up" and I know I'll see videos of them at this age, 11 and 9 and wonder where the time went.

Here's the really cool thing: I get to do this gig all over again. Right now I have sweet baby Monkey who will be two in December, followed by her brother or sister in April. In ten years from now, I hope I'm on the couch with them watching their 6 and 4 year old videos. Maybe, oh and I hope it will happen, their 17 and 19 year old sisters will be sitting with us.

And then I'll cry... and laugh at the days to come! (oooo, I'm so Proverbs 31!)

I Can Relax Now and My Pooch Thanks Me

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

I'm finally at the stage where I can't wear my regular jeans anymore.

Last week, I went to put my jeans on and decided if I do, in fact, put them on, I'll have to stand the rest of the day. Otherwise I would actually create a muffin-top that I've been trying to hide without being pregnant.

I peeled them off and pulled out the maternity jeans. Alas, they are still to big, so I have to roll down the panel so they'll stay on. I still have one pair of jeans that are too big to begin with and I think I have maybe another week in those. ugh! I've got to go shopping.

Also, about this stage of the pregnancy game, I'm walking around wanting to say to everyone, "Um, yes, yes I am pregnant. I know you might think this is my normal pooch, but if you knew me better, there is no way I'd let my normal pooch hang out like this! There is a baby, so you don't have to wonder if I'm pregnant or just poochy."

That's my rehearsed line. Now, if I'm being honest, and we know I like being honest, this is a great time in pregnancy for me. I already have a pooch and now I can juuuuust relax. Let it go ahead and hang out, er down, which ever way it goes. I know that half this baby pooch is really mommy pooch, but you don't. Well, now you do because I told you, but it will be all baby in a few more weeks.

So, I no longer have to "hide the pooch," no, I embrace the pooch. No, really I do. When I go to lie down and night, I can actually give myself a hug. I believe that the belly fat that is sharing skin with a now ever-increasing uterus thanks me warmly.

Sadly, I know that once the youngin' is here, the pooch will betray me by, well, staying a pooch. I'll have no option but to shove it back in a pair of Spanx and subject it to Ploga again.

Pooch, ye be warned.

Money Saving Tips (uuuh, what blog are we on?)

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Okay, the title of this blog post should make you giggle only because if you know anything about me, you might know that "money saving tips" NEVER shows up on this blog. For that stuff, you can go to Christi's web site. Suriusly.

I mean, I can cut a coupon with the best of them, use a few, and then find the rest wadded up in the bottom of my purse...expired. I also can make a mean menu for about a week at a time with about 7 weeks in between. Still, I am skilled enough (and smart enough) to always use a list when going to the grocery store, and to make sure my tum-tum is full-full so I won't by the Ho-Ho's. (It almost never works.)

Coupons = saving money
Cheap Wal-Mart and Target brand = saving money
CVS card = saving money
Making a list = saving money
Using the cheapest conditioner and mousse = saving money, and wouldn't you know, gave me some of the best hair I've had in months!

That's right folks, I recently switched from the oh-so expensive brand of Tresemme, and went for the cheap-o-deep-o brand of Suave only to find my hair lighter, curlier, and not bogged down with mouse and what-not (hat tip to Uncle Rico every time I use that word.)

I'm telling you. Don't buy into (some) of the lies that more expensive is better! (Unless we're talking about a real Coach bag or a lame fake one. I'll take you to task.) (Oh, and you can't count fake Oreo's either. There is no substitute for a real Oreo. Amen and Amen)

Now, where was I? Oh yes, cheap conditioner.

You see, I don't shampoo my naturally curly hair. I do scrub it under hot water and just use conditioner. Then I use mousse, blow it dry, and squirt some hairspray, and I'm done. So, I've been using the large bottles of Tresemme, and decided I was spending that near $5 anymore! No sirree! I was jumping down to the $2.69 bottle of Suave conditioner and the $3.19 in mousse! (Dave Ramsey would be so proud.) I was scared, but, holy smokes! who knew that hair could look better with a cheaper product!?

Sneaky hair-do people.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure I'm loading my hair down with all sorts of additives and wax and what-not, but who cares! It's my hair and I'm going to treat it cheap if I want.

Money saving tip = GO CHEAP! (except on Coach and Oreos)

5 Ways to Stay Connected #5

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

So we all know the flu is going around. It was no different for the safe mountains of Colorado. At some point all through the week someone was on the couch. Out of the fourteen of us in the house, you could always find someone not up to par and needing a dose of ibuprofen.

Poor things would just lie around and look all sad and what-not. They would just wait and wait for something to change. A turn. A moment of, "Ah, I feel better." Inevitably, they would rally and on with the vacation they would go.

Somehow, I was spared from any kind of illness, other than a bit of "How high are we?" tummy ache! I didn't have to endure waiting for Tylenol to kick in so I could go back into town. But, spiritually, it was a different story. I was getting sick and no earthly pill could snap me out of it.

I've told you that by the time I got home from my vacation, God seemed distant and I was a wreck.

I knew it.
He knew it.

By Sunday, JT knew it.

By Tuesday, my friends knew it.

I had done the first two things: talk and listen. I was in rest mode with sleeping better. I had a profound sense that my friends were praying for me when I could not, I was left with the final way to get back closer to my God:

Wait

That's it. Not far from the art of resting is the art of waiting. Again, our spirits don't respond to a timer, a button, or a click of a mouse. We are human, organic, complicated, mysterious beings who serve and love an even greater organic, complicated, and mysterious Being. Even though He is all these things, His desire to pursue and heal us is as real as the breath you are taking now.

Technology is quick and easy, but the things of the Spirit are to be experienced, tended to, and waited upon. Not in the sense of inactivity, like I said before, but a humble awareness that God is working regardless of how we feel. In our scattered state, we still have to humble ourselves to Him and wait. We must somehow fight through the muck, sit on the edge of the pit sometimes, and wait. Crazy thing is, we'll look up and we won't even be near the pit anymore.

He's that good.

Allow yourself, and Him, time to restore your soul. Waiting is an art form. Practice it well.

I am confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:13, 14

Just so you'll have them:
1. Talk
2. Listen
3. Rest
4. Pray
5. Wait

Keep these five things active and you'll find your connectivity will be active as well. When you find you've lost track, kick these back into gear, and well, wait. :)

5 Ways to Stay Connected #4

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

If you are just popping in this week, scroll down and take a look-see at the last few entries. We're chatting about how to reconnect with God after a season, or even during a season, of desert, loneliness, and, well, disconnection.

If you are in a place like this, as I was a last week, have you taken the time to do some of the first three we talked about? Talk. Listen. Rest. These are three of the five things you can "do" to allow the Spirit of God to reconnect with you. Mind you, there is really no separation (unless you are walking in some habitual sin), there is simply a "disruption in the service."

I've shared some of my experience after, literally, coming off the mountain in Breckenridge concerning what happened to me spiritually up there. It wasn't pretty. Wrapped in a blanket of beauty, my heart became ugly. I unplugged, grumped out, and found myself wondering what happened.

Ironically, number 4 was the last thing I wanted to do: Pray.

I found myself thinking a lot and pondering the things in my heart, but not really having active prayer with God. Oh, He was not far from my mind even as I took steps to the side, but active prayer from me had been put to sleep.

However, that does not mean He doesn't uphold who He is in me. Couple of things: He's the author and perfecter of my faith. He is interceding on my behalf. He never stops praying for me. He is living and active. He holds me together by his powerful word...not mine.

Over a few days, His faithfulness to communicate with me in Spirit (even when I didn't know it) drew me back to faithful and active prayer.

Please remember these things. When you are feeling disconnected, He does not respond the same way. He is faithful to who He is even when we are not faithful to who we are. However, if you find that you have the strength to stay in active, engaging prayer, well then, by all means, do it!

His love and relationship with us is not flaky like we are. He is the reason we have the strength to keep going, moving, and praying.

Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them. Hebrews 7:25

We do not know what to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. Romans 8:26, 27

Christ Jesus...is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.
Romans 8:34

5 Ways to Stay Connected #3

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Talk

Listen

Those are two very active things to do when you find yourself disconnected. Those show initiative to get out of the rut and back into the flow of God.

However, there is more. (Hence the title FIVE ways....)

In our microwave society, we find that we want all things to go at the speed of a button and a click. This is not always the case in the things of the heart and spirit and mind. Although the Spirit of God never goes into a state of inactivity, we would do well to find ourselves taking time to rest.

When I returned from our vacation I didn't have the urgency to "get things straight." In fact, it was quite the opposite. I knew that it would take time to restore what was broken and as much as I wanted to get back to "normal" I also wanted to ride this wave of uncertainty so I could take a good look at what was going on. That required me to not get in a frenzy of "spiritual activity" so as to coherce God into our friendship again.

It was what it was and I had no option but to rest physically and spiritually. That doesn't mean we jump off the deep end into sin, it just means that we can be okay with letting the Spirit do what He does even if we can't see it or feel it. Just because we feel crappy doesn't mean he throws his hands up and walks away for a bit. I just means he is faithful even when we aren't.

The third thing to do:

Calm down.
Slow down.
Sleep and little bit more.
Get to bed earlier.

Rest

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone... Psalm 62:5

5 Ways to Stay Connected #2

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

There are many-a-time when I'm driving that my kids will be talking to me and I simply do not hear them. If I am the passenger, then my husband will lovingly say, "You're daughter is talking to you." I snap out of whatever land I was in and address her.

Sometimes I simply don't listen.

If you find yourself dealing with a time of darkness, loneliness, feeling unattached from God, or flat crazy, you must take opportunity to listen. As I told you yesterday, even though I was in the high places of earth, I had wandered into the desert of my spirit on and after our trip to Colorado. Thankfully, it was a short lived trip, but powerful! I began my journey out of the desert and toward reconnection with God be using the first tool I knew: talking.

Yesterday I said there must be an ample amount of talking. Today, you need to learn the art of listening, to God, to your friends, to truth.

Mind you, these 5 things are not a check list or in any kind of order. They are tools and acts of strength to find your way out of a desert. I was going to label this "5 Ways to Stay Sane" but after talking to my friend, Robin Meadows, I began to ask what is the definition of sane or even normal? She is so wise. :) So, I changed it to "connected."

Even though being "connected" looks and feels different for each of us, we can all glean from these five things.

1. Talk (1 John 1:9)
2. Listen (James 1:19)

Three more to come.

Are you listening?

5 Ways to Stay Connected #1

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Recently we returned from a beautiful trip to Breckenridge, Colorado. Unless you've been to the Rockies, my attempt to describe them here would be lame at best. (see pics below)

Beauty, peace, strength, wonder. These are just a few words describing the awesome grandeur of those mountain regions. It's a breath taking as it's counter part, the desert.

Which is where I went spiritually that same trip.

I'm sure many factors played a part: lack of sleep, lack of oxygen, pregnant, travel, God, and even the Enemy of all of us who say we love Jesus, Satan.

It was strange for me to find myself at the end of a week surrounded by the wonder of creation to be so far away from God and yet have a full understanding that He was still very near. Random and strange thoughts blew through my mind. Sleep called out to me. Fear began knocking on my door and everyone's grass looked incredibly greener than mine.

I was feeling lost, alone and a bit out of control.

But, I had enough where-with-all to realize that if I didn't do these 5 things to stay sane, I could certainly go down the path of destruction further and further.

The first thing to do when you feel a "disturbance in the force" is to start TALKING!

The first person I went to was my husband, because remember, I wasn't really talking straight up to God. (Mind you, we were 'talking' but it was more a spirit thing. I just wasn't giving Him much of myself, if you know what I mean.)

If we don't talk, we bottle-up and things become greater and bigger and worser :) Our ability to diffuse the situation and discern from what is real and what is not is greatly dimished.

After I shared with him in the bathroom at the base of the mountains, I got home, typed a long email to my closest friends, and just shared openly what was going on. By lunch, I was eating Taco Bueno with two of them and what was so big in my mind began to diminish.

The emails that were returned began to have an affect. The truth spoken to me by others came as a balm when I was unable to sort through the truth and lies for myself. Their prayers and the prayers of my husband began to release me from a slow bondage that was creeping up on me.

No matter what you are going through, no matter how crazy the thoughts, no matter how difficult to say...

START TALKING!

To Breck and Back

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:22:00 +0000

Hello? (Phoo, phoo.) Is this blog on?

How is everyone?!?!? Well, I've been home for several days and haven't done boo on my blog here. Maybe it's just so darn hard to get back in the groove after a vacation that this here blog really fell to the bottom of the list. pardon.

We had a great time in Colorado. So magical, so beautiful. Our family had fun, however at least one person was sick on any given day.

Who went, you ask? My family, my parents, my sister and her family and my brother and his family. Here's a pic.

A little view of what I got to see every morning. (If you're from these parts, you are indeed blessed.)

A little peek inside the house we stayed. Five stories, huge windows, enough to sleep at least 14 people. I think it can hold 17+! This is the view from our bedroom down to the main floor.

We just love Breckenridge. If you've never been, I highly recommend it. Great shops. Fun and fine food. Little store full of goodies. The slopes (if you go in ski season), rivers, trails, horseback riding, mines to explore, rafting (if you go in the summer), museums. So much to do. You can even stop and take a picture with some mules.

Buy some pumkins for carving.

Enjoy the view.

And, of course, enjoy your family.

But, we all know, this is more like it.

On Vay-kay!

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 20:07:00 +0000

Hello from Colorado!!!

Well, we'll be here in Breckenridge aaaalll week. Keep coming back! I hope to post some beautiful pics for you!

What Do You Pray

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:19:00 +0000

Last night, at our annual Church staff event, we had the honor of sitting at the feet of Andy Stanley. And again, when God places you in a position to hear, you better listen.

Andy said many a wonderful thing, but one thing stood out. He was explaining to us some things he does with his staff and he focused in on prayer. He often listens to what the staff is praying for and what or who he is praying for. Through this, he can tell where a person's heart-focus lies.

For example, one time, his elders prayer list reading was cut short when Andy realized that all the requests were for sick people. Now, there is nothing wrong with praying for the sick, he just observed that those were the only ones. No "Hey, my Aunt might come to church this week," or "I've been talking to my neighbor about Christ." It was giving Andy insight to what and who they were most focused on.

I brought the concept home and this morning have realized how heavily self-sided my prayers are. When was the last time I prayed for my cousin to come to Christ? When was the last time I chatted with my neighbor about coming to church? Have I even checked on my other neighbor who is expecting and living with her boyfriend?

It has been a good heart check this morning. I pray my prayers shift to greater, outside things. Of course, I will always bring my "stuff" to God, but will I allow him to bring his stuff to me?

Grow A Brain

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:49:00 +0000

I love that saying! I used to use it all the time with my brother and sister. We'd laugh and laugh.

Now, however, I wonder how many of God's created don't use the one He's given them. If you are a follower of Christ, you have an obligation to use your brain, not just your emotions, which are wonderful, not just your experiences, which are vital to our growth, you must use your brain.

Here's what I mean. The Bible teaches us that we, through the Spirit, can have wisdom, insight, knowledge, understanding, discernment. These are all found in our intellect. However, these are wrapped up in the Spirit and many times fall outside the parameters of our own human knowledge. The point is that we need and should make the study of God's word, and outside sources, something we love, something we desire, and something we give priority to.

I'm not saying we should all go get a theology degree, but I do believe that we need to be able to answer to anyone why we have our hope. We also need to have the humility to say, "I don't know...but I'll find out."

The Bereans, in Acts, were commended for their study of the Scripture to see if what they were being told about Jesus was correct. Many times believers will take a Pastor's word or a teacher's word for it without having a clear Biblical understanding of a topic. Thousands follow false teachers and false prophets because of a lack of Biblical knowledge.

Biblical knowledge goes beyond knowing chapter and verse. God has provided many men and women who understand the original language of the Bible and have taken great pains to make sure we get those resources in hand. On top of that, there are many other resources that, though might need some explanation, are easy to use: concordances, study books, commentaries, web sites.

Each of these will not only enhance your study of the Word, but enrich it! Finding out the original words or the author's original intent, or even the connection between the ancient Jewish beliefs and our beliefs, is only found in taking time to study the works of those who have given their time and careers to offer us such great resources.

All in all, study of the Word is valuable, necessary and down right awesome!

TN, IL, KY, IN

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:51:00 +0000

That's how many states I went through this weekend. Shew! Where did I go? Well, lemme tell you real quick.

You might not know, but I am a speaker with Speaking Thru Me Ministries. We offer professional speakers for women's groups at no charge other than expenses and a $25 contract fee. That's the sum up.

Well, we had our first real face to face meeting over the weekend. It was the founders and directors, Leigh Gray and Ginger Moore, plus me, another speaker, Joy, and our prayer coordinator, Valarie.

We spent the weekend unpacking all the ministry in's and outs. Vision, direction, focus, marketing, finances, scheduling, web (which I'm labeled the "techy one" if you can believe that!) We had such a great time.

However, there was a drive in the back hills of Kentucky involved. Yep, I landed in Nashville, TN to meet up with Ginger, Joy and Valarie. We then needed to get to Leigh's, which, unbeknownst to us, involved driving through what looked like could have ended in a tragic movie. I jest.

But really, we took this back-woods, two lane highway through tiny towns peppered with little churches and one gas station. Speaking of churches, there was a sweet white one to the left of us. Precious, as you would imagine. There was a sign out front where, we assumed, the Pastor was squatting at to change the marquee for the week. As we were driving by, Ginger was deep in a conversation. I looked past her at the man and noticed that he was giving us quite a show. He may as well been called Plumber Bob, if you know what I mean.

Nothing was said, and Ginger kept talking. I couldn't take it, I interrupted Ginger and said, "Did anyone else see that!?!?!" That was it, the van erupted! We laughed so hard about Pastor Bob and his little show! Oh, it was one of those moments when we all had to catch our breath!

Soon after that, our oncoming traffic looked weird. Sure enough, there was a buggy with an Amish family. We waved and they waved and none of us could move fast enough to whip out a phone to try and sneak a picture. We figured they wouldn't go for it. Oh well.

I, personally, was keeping an eye out for Bigfoot, as Valarie was keeping an eye out for turkeys. Ginger had her eye on her GPS wondering if it was right, and Joy was trying to figure out why her Blackberry had stopped it's Internet function. Well, where we were, there was NO phone service. If Sasquatch had emerged, we were toast. We'd been screaming for our Amish friends or Pastor Bob!

Soon enough, out GPS darling announced something about "board the ferry in 1 mile." Panic glossed over Ginger's face, and in her deep west Tennessee accents yells, "Did she just say 'board the ferry'?!" Sho' did.

We were like four young girls riding the Log Ride at 6 Flags for the first time. You'da thought we'd just come up on the Titanic for the excitement in the car. We rolled the van up on to the ferry, put her in park and commenced with taking pictures on our "no service" phones. We decided we were "Ferry Virgins" and we didn't care who on that ferry knew it. Val even got out of the car to take a pic, which we think was a big no-no. However, had anything gone wrong, there were plenty of lifejackets available. Shew!

We made it to the other side alive and followed our GPS lady faithfully to meet up with Leigh. Ah, civilization again.

Phone's in service. Debit card works. No Bigfoot or turkeys. Just a darling little lunch spot with good friends.

And that started our weekend.

I'm so excited to keep you updated with our ministry! Until then watch out for Bigfoot and Pastor Bob!

I'm Wondering if it's even possible.....

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 13:39:00 +0000

I have a clock in my bedroom, office, living room, two in the kitchen, girls room, in my phone, computer, and car radio. The banks have them out and a few random other places along the road. All my bases are covered when it comes to needing to know what time it is. I even check the clock when I don't have any where to be at any certain time.

I just look at it. Often.

Why do I do that? Habit? Probably. But, what if I turned off all my clocks for a day. Of course, a day when I didn't need to be anywhere. Could I do it? Could it be possible to not check the time?

I could simply go off the sun and wait for hunger pangs, rather than say, "Oh, it's 11:30, maybe I should get lunch going." And what about that dreaded time between 4:00 and 6-ish. Why is that such a hard time? I don't know. Maybe it's because I can see the time.

I'm not sure I'm ready to try it, but I wonder...is it even possible?

You Take the High Road and I'll Take the Access Road

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:29:00 +0000

A couple of nights ago I was leaving church and had turned onto the access road to I-35. I had the windows down and I think the radio was off. It was a nice, cool night.

On the right, the cars on the highway were roaring by, zipping past what was on my left: lush, wooded land with deer and bugs and stuff. Quiet.

As I looked at both sides of the road, I realized that life is like that. Part of life is moving and fast paced. I mean, there are times we simply have to be on the move.

Other parts of life are like the wooded area. There are times when we need to slow down, take a walk, look for deer, enjoy the trees and grass. Breathe it in. Stop. Rest.

Maybe, however, we need to be more of the person on the access road. If need be, we can simply slip onto the highway, but we must look for an exit because if we stay on that kind of pace, we'll run out of gas. But, if we find that it's time to exit back to the access road and maybe pull off to park in the grass for awhile, we'll find we have enough gas for the next entry.

I think the access road is a great way to look at life. You're going at a good pace, able to get somewhere, but you aren't going to fast to miss life, and you aren't so wrapped up in nothing that you never join the adventure. It's easy to refuel on the access road. It's easy to jump on the highway.

A fast-paced life will get you somewhere fast. But, you might miss so much beauty if you never get off the highway. And a life given to nothing will get you, well, nothing.

Stay on the access road.

Where do you "drive" most of the time?

Flu! Ye Be Warned!

newitcher@hotmail.com (Natalie @ I AM (not)) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:45:00 +0000

Usually I'm not ever worried about my kids getting sick. It's pretty rare that any of us do, and if we do it lasts only a day or two. Even then, it's a mild fever and loss of appetite. I mean, I've had the pukes a couple of times, but that was due to bad tacos or something. Other than that, sniffles, headache, and well, all around puny.

Last time I had the actual flu, I was in Jr. High. I started feeling bad around 4th hour. My head slowly got closer to my desk, and by 6th hour choir, I didn't think I was going to make it.

I got off the bus s-l-o-w-l-y and made, what seemed, the long walk down the driveway. My mom remembers this day. From her point of view, she knew it the minute I stepped off the bus.

Slowly, my bag dropped, shoes off, coat off, and to the bathroom to get rid of all I had for lunch.

I was down for well over a week. I actually told my mom I didn't think I would ever feel better. I watched my fair share of Scooby-Doo and The Cosby Show that's for sure. And this before the days of DVR and pause. Times were rough, indeed. To this day, I don't drink Sprite or 7-Up just for kicks. Blech.

So, I just don't want to see my kids go through it. Hand washing has become a norm and the girls snicker about my new found germ phobia. Hey, if I can keep the pukes at bay...I will.

However, if one of the gets it, I'll cover the couch with a nice, cool sheet, place a garbage can by them, find Scooby-Doo or The Cosby Show reruns, and set the DVR for whatever they want. I might even share a nice cold glass of Sprite with them. .... or not.