tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70697083622732007122026-09-27T01:38:10.168-05:00My daily struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder.mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.comBlogger87125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-41474659456543141812012-08-22T16:16:00.001-05:002012-08-22T16:16:24.076-05:00

I've been in a fun for the last month or so..haven't felt like working out at the gym, been drinking heavily, eating poorly..not motivated to do much of anything. I think that trying to cope with  my mom's death and the fact that my business is failing, overwhelms me. When my mom passed away, I inherited her 9mm pistol. I put it to my head yesterday,but the thoughts of my children growing

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-22275040873895906062012-07-22T18:20:00.000-05:002012-07-22T18:20:24.307-05:00

 Things haven't been so great since my last post. Problems have more to do with the financial things involved in owning a business more than anything. That being said, I had my kids this weekend and after I dropped them off, I got a text from their mom saying how my oldest daughter came in and started crying...saying she didn't want to go to my house anymore because Gwen is always on her

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-1485472769097823152012-07-01T19:48:00.001-05:002012-07-01T19:48:51.052-05:00

When my mother passed away, I inherited her pistol. I refuse to buy bullets for it. I know I could snap at any moment and aim it towards myself. I also know that I could not pull the trigger because I have my children to live for. Quite the predicament. I want to make an impact on the world, but haven't...yet. Today isn't necessarily a terrible day, but its just a day filled with nothingness. I

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-29578441137862914542012-06-17T17:20:00.001-05:002012-06-17T17:20:18.274-05:00

So let's see where I last left off...I didn't mention it in my last post, but my mother passed away this past December. It was extremely sudden and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. It still doesn't seem real. It's been over 6 months now and I haven't had the big cry/breakdown that I expect one to have after the loss of a close family member. I have asked several people

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-89968949978707440762011-12-25T19:35:00.000-06:002011-12-25T19:35:36.832-06:00

Still Married to Gwen and our child is 2 years old now. I have been on 100mg of Lamictal for a year at least? I imagine that has a big role in my BPD episodes being far less frequent. Don't get me wrong, it still is a daily struggle, but it almost seems somewhat manageable. Since my last post, I would say that I have had maybe 1 violent moment, but the rest of the time has been relatively calm. I

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-68183824225911670652011-05-06T22:52:00.000-05:002011-05-06T22:52:06.155-05:00

It was very nice to see some comments come in after my last post. It's always refreshing to know that I am the only one going through life like this. Of course, as a borderline, I tend to focus on the negative. Specifically, the one from "Anonymous" saying "As a child of a mother who has borderline personality disorder I feel the utmost empathy for what you will be putting your child through for

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-11074611906941617612011-03-27T17:45:00.000-05:002011-03-27T17:45:33.391-05:00

2011 already. My how quickly time goes by. I am determined to keep posting more frequently, in an effort to provide "therapy" for myself, as well as hopefully help others borderlines. For some reason, my posts from 2009 and 2010 are gone. I am honestly don't remember why I deleted them, but I imagine it was in an alcohol fueled moment. Anyhow, it looks like my nearly 2 1/2 year marriage to Gwen

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-45535852850028404352010-04-18T12:32:00.004-05:002010-04-18T13:16:01.093-05:00

I can't believe its been so long since I've updated this. I've received comments from other people with BPD saying how they read it and wish I would write more. I'll try to keep it more updated more frequently. I guess I stopped because I got a few comments along the lines of "kill yourself", "you are an ass", etc. I took these personal and stop posting.So to recap since my last post, there has

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-4864743682343724572008-11-08T08:27:00.003-06:002008-11-08T08:50:53.712-06:00

To catch you up to date real quick, I am still living with Gwen. Some days are good, some not so good, but overall I am happy. I realized something last weekend. I have a serious drinking problem. Ever since I started drinking when I was 20 or so, it has always been all or nothing. By that, I mean, I have never been able to just have a beer or two with a meal or at a party. I drink until I am

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-83290913575202786032008-09-19T22:02:00.003-05:002008-09-19T22:40:41.716-05:00

My, how so many things have changed since my last post. I am here typing this from the house I've been living at for the past month. Gwen's house. Kind of a shocker,huh? Let me try to backtrack a bit. In mid August, I felt like I was finally financially able to afford to move out of Grandma's and into my own place. During this time, Gwen and I had been casually chatting on an almost daily basis.

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-4544897829261334112008-07-04T22:43:00.004-05:002008-07-09T23:11:40.732-05:00

So when I last left you, I promised to tell you the story of the girl I met. Well that didn't last too long, so I'll paraphrase. I met a girl from mexico. She was pretty,smart,never married no kids. She was also here on a tourist visa and had to leave in May. Now I have a problem having a relationship in the same city,much less different countries. For the first few weeks after she went back, I

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-9065098434663130592008-05-15T21:36:00.002-05:002008-05-15T22:03:01.734-05:00

Just figured I would check in. I'm still alive and haven't gone off the deep end,lol. My last post was in January and all in all, things have been ok. I ended the relationship with Gwen for good a long time ago. We still talk from time to time, but its strictly as friends. I noticed I received quite a few comments from my "wake up call" post, mostly negative, but it's cool, its just others

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-55739296168234141822008-01-07T04:28:00.000-06:002008-01-07T05:33:36.268-06:00

Alright, so maybe I didn't follow through on my plan to post more frequently. Today I'll try to recap what has been going on in the past month. I guess I need to preface this post by explaining something. Last summer, I met a girl, whom I'll refer to as Gwen. She quickly became one of my closest friends, but it wasn't your typical friendship. She was a "friend with benefits" but also extremely

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-30863436595194483742007-12-07T20:47:00.000-06:002007-12-07T21:19:04.155-06:00

wow, I can't believe its been so long since I last posted. I'm not really sure why I've been reluctant to do so. Wait, I remember, I was dating a girl in October who found my blog. Obviously I'm not going to post whats really going on just to have her read it. Anyhow, that ended a few weeks back, so here I am again. Work has been keeping me very occupied, which is a good thing for me. I find

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-19956580705509528222007-10-13T21:10:00.000-05:002007-10-13T21:24:12.214-05:00

Weekend with the kids started today. Amanda Byrne from Nickelodeon fame was in down promoting her new clothes line and I thought it would be cool for my daughter to meet her. Got the autograph and said hello, so aside from waiting in line 2 hours, it was fun. After lunch and a nap, we went to the movies and then before you know it, it was bedtime. After the kids are in bed, I am pretty much just

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-78373773069790565432007-10-11T07:12:00.000-05:002007-10-11T07:31:57.483-05:00

I didn't realize how long its been since my last post. Pretty crazy the last few weeks, no pun intended. Quick recap, started the new job on October 1st and so far so good. With my I.T. background, I've been having to spend the last few days doing computer stuff though. I designed our website and helped them select and install equipment. I'm hoping that they will take all this into consideration

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-48290958623362033902007-09-21T15:19:00.000-05:002007-09-21T15:45:53.597-05:00

I was going over some of my old posts and reminiscing, if you will. I realized that it's been about four months now since I last spoke to my father. In this time I have heard not a word from him. No attempt to contact me, nothing. I didn't expect him too try and honestly even if he did I know I would ignore it, but still. It really shows what kind of a person he is. I'm just glad that he didn't

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-65561552801503588662007-09-19T21:02:00.000-05:002007-09-19T21:14:17.181-05:00

I realized something today that I guess I never really thought of before. I realized that when it comes to sex, I'm much more interested in convincing the girl to sleep with me, then I am in the act itself. It's like I seduce a woman and it's great. Then say we start dating and it's a month down the road, I start to lose interest. Not in the girl necessarily, but in having sex with her. Is this

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-51855557610596265952007-09-17T20:54:00.000-05:002007-09-17T21:17:51.313-05:00

I slept a full 7.5 hours last night. Unless I was passed out drunk, I haven't slept this long in months. As obvious as it may sound, I think the key to this was keeping myself busy throughout the day so I wouldn't take naps out of boredom. Also, instead of being up on the computer right up to bedtime, I shut it off earlier and read for a good 20 minutes. Hopefully it will repeat itself tonight. I

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-88369122550288158162007-09-15T19:57:00.000-05:002007-09-15T20:22:24.133-05:00

It's been a pretty rough week, for no real reason. I have been feeling down, I am always tired and I spend a good amount of my free time lying in bed looking up at the ceiling in a daze. If I can get 6 hours of sleep a night, its a great thing. Since I'm always tired, I end up taking naps throughout the day. I think alot of it has to do with boredom. I think back to maybe 2 years ago. I felt so

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-88261852297971718972007-09-07T20:24:00.000-05:002007-09-07T20:56:12.042-05:00

"There is no such thing as the perfect person." This simple piece of advice was given to me by my therapist last year and has stuck with me. The problem is, the disconnect between understanding this and actually applying it. You know what I want in a woman? The biggest thing I want is attractiveness. I could really care less what she does for a living, if she's smart, etc, I just want her to be

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-18451763220012000292007-09-01T19:22:00.000-05:002007-09-01T19:48:36.225-05:00

I found two things out last night. I found out that it was too soon for me to be dating anyone and I found out that I still have a long road to recovery. It all started awhile back when a girl i used to date got in touch with me again. We talked on the phone awhile and caught up on each others life. We agreed to get together Friday night. The plan was to get a few drinks and then go bowling. I

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-21164886301861584932007-08-30T05:33:00.000-05:002007-08-30T05:52:37.279-05:00

Its kind of funny how things have a way of working out. I had a few jobs yesterday and as I was driving back from one of them, I had to drive past my school. I saw students walking to and from class and it really got me down that I was not one of them. I tried to shake it off the rest of the day, but it seemed to be in the back of my mind throughout the rest of the day. I even had thoughts of

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-64461035731227871852007-08-28T22:28:00.000-05:002007-08-28T22:57:42.118-05:00

It has been suggested that I have an addiction to women. What does an addict do when they try to get better? They cut off access to whatever it is they are addicted to. This is what I did today. I started by changing my phone number. Then I gave my number out only to "safe" people. This would be family, friends and girls I didn't have or won't have any history with. Finally I deleted all the

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7069708362273200712.post-52419782934839921872007-08-27T20:58:00.000-05:002007-08-27T21:31:28.533-05:00

Today was what should have been my first day back to school. Since I can't go until the Fall II semester, I spent most of the day in bed, depressed. I felt like I wanted to cry, but the tears just wouldn't come. I guess I was mad at myself more than anything...mad for blowing money when i should have used it for school. oh well, whats done is done and I cant do anything about it. Anyhow, I lost

mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01689011518779715349noreply@blogger.com0