The Baggage Counter

Cool

2018-06-01T20:58:00.000+08:00

Today, N number of friends have sent me private messages, Viber messages, Messenger chat, and SMS... all checking up on me, asking how I'm doing. Asking if my heart is O.K. Because today, she got married. My TOTGA got married.

I knew it had to come some time after she said No to me, and I quit pursuing her. The guy would probably propose on her birthday or on Valentines, I thought. And of course, I will just hear it from somebody else, I thought. So it was not so devastating to hear the wedding news from a close friend, to know the exact wedding date from another friend who was invited to the wedding, to view the Save-The-Date video from another friend's iPhone. I am genuinely happy to see her find someone whom she thought worthy enough to marry, something that I did not see at all in her when we were going out. If we need a movie reference, it's like Summer Finn waking up and being sure with the new guy than Tom Hansen.

My friends probably felt I'd be all wallowing and heart-broken, but I am not. Honestly. I'm happy for the couple. Although that does not necessarily mean I'm happy per se. It's just that now, all the insecurities and self-doubt resurface -- of my worthiness to be loved, of my supposed to be vocation in life, of what's wrong with me. I'm sure to subdue these personal demons eventually, as I usually do when I surrender all these things to a higher power.

My Attempt at 107: the 2017 grateful list

2017-12-31T18:02:00.000+08:00

I started off my looking for an approriate picture to go with the blog post. I searched for "107 things to be thankful for" and whaddya know, Psalm 107 in the Bible actually has a verse about giving thanks. And so it became the main pic in this post.

It's been my tradition since 2010 (when Mama first got diagnosed for a lump in her pancreas) to list out all the things for the year that I am grateful for. I decided to start writing this blog post early this time, since my target for 2017 was now 107 blessings/highlights. I always acknowledge that I stand on grace. And the blessings I have received, and those that I ask for, are God's grace. The year 2017 was a better year than the past year, I'd have to say. And I continuously hope for the better. Anyhow, here's my list this year:

Mama's good health continues to be a blessing. Her check ups to her oncologist are now few and far between. She's now taking USANA which helped in reducing the swelling in her feet, making her more mobile now.
Mama also found a new cardiologist and a new endocrinologist that she is more at ease with, making her trust that her diabetes can be controlled again.
I turned 40 this year, which means living through 25 years of SLE and not letting it define me. And I am still going.
My beautiful Nanay Aida is still relatively strong, for her age. She is still able to write me notes, volunteers to make albums out of my photos, and be a caring neighbor to me and my mother.
Ate Weny turning 60 this year, still strong enough to be Nanay's constant companion.
I was able to pay off my Pag-IBIG housing loan in full, two years earlier than the original loan tenure. I am now mortgage-free. Our house is now ours, unencumbered.
A very nice week-long vacation trip to Japan. It inspired me to consider going on travels more. Not for business but for myself.
The oh-so-good food we nom nom nom'd during our Japan vacation.
Seeing a panda in Ueno Zoo. #bucketlist
Reaching Gallery Marusan, and buying Marutaro merchandise even if not seeing Maru himself. #bucketlist
I am thankful for our gracious host in Japan, boss Cristy. From the extra bed to extra effort as itinerary planner and tour guide.
Just for being able to ride a plane again.
Speaking of travels, my mother was able to travel to her hometown in Marinduque TWICE this year, accompanied by my cousin. Proof of her good health and mobility.
Two of my projects received the Bayanihan Award at the company's Annual Gantimpala award: project B is now a 3-time winner, project E is now a 2-time awardee. Super proud of these guys.
Project A is celebrating it's 12th year by January 2018, my longest-running engagement so far.
Two of my project engagements had contracts renewed this year. I'm thankful for the chance to work with these clients for several years more.
One of two new projects that underwent service transition went live without a hitch. The other one has more problems, but nothing major to warrant a No Go.
I've been released this year from a project that's caused me undue stress for a time. I am thankful for my newfound peace of mind after that, and I am slowly gaining back my confidence in my abilities.
I've been able to help steer a problematic project to Go Live, with the cooperation of a resilient bunch of FICO consultants, who were able to withstand all the pressure I brought down on them, and we all withstood the difficult client counterpart. A truly character-building experience.
There's the surprising win as a Sagisag awardee in our company recognition program.
The Truly Human initiative at work, because it made me more mindful. Now I've restarted my morning exercise habit, no matter how quick. I'm also trying to eat more healthier.
A friend introduced me to Salad Stop, and I have been a fan of Big Bird salad ever since. Also means I try to have salad/greens as much as I can, when I can.
My doctor since I got first diagnosed with SLE, is still not retired and still entertains my check-ups that are on a I-only-visit-when-I-feel-something's-wrong basis.
I am grateful that despite me being inconsistent in my check-ups, and me ignoring some do's and don'ts of a SLE patient (like avoiding soda, booze, salty foods, stress, and staying up late), no untoward SLE flare up has happened this year.
In fact, I am thankful that my doctor reduced my prednisone intake frequency from everyday to every other day. A marked improvement.
Tai Koo HK Roast is also a new fave restaurant this year, for their roast pork rice topping, char siu pork rice topping, and gai lan.
Wok2Go, Jasper's, and Burger King are there when I don't want to think what to have for lunch, merienda, or dinner.
I'm back to coloring books, thanks to the free one given during the Truly Human workshop. More to de-stress.
Stock price of the company shares I hold have hit all-time highs this year.
I've manage to save enough that I was comfortable enough to invest a small part of it in long term deposits (context:I am very risk-averse).
There's now a cinema nearby the office!
I am able to grow my Funko Pop collection via ordering online or buying from stores (of which there are now more in nearby malls).
More than that, I am thankful for having the will power not to buy Funko Pop on a whim
The funky pops that I was able to get for free.
For the Golden Circle points I was able to use to redeem one night free stay at EDSA Shang this Christmas
For the Citibank points that I used to redeem a Michael Kors watch. Even my original intention was to redeem an iPad Nano.
I have a friend who's just a text away when I need to hire transport for myself or Mama.
For the opportunity to join the Top ACT program as a Tech Stars coach, and participate in all the activities, and meeting these 3 of the top 1% of our company's talent. I'm here when you need me Hanz, Bo, and Ivy. OK, let's include Rachiel.
Thankful to my Tech Stars for getting me to check off one item in my bucket list: try archery.
The growing family of The Gamers, for reviving my joy in board games, and never failing to invite me to join their games (even if I flake most of year). And making me learn that Trust is a big word, even in board games. Thanks Ricky, Tonichi, Yobi, and Glenish. I liked Tsuro best, since it seems to be the only one where I had a high chance of winning.
The opportunity to serve as facilitator in our management trainings for executives. Hoping to do more trainings next year. #frustratedteacher
For not needing to work my way through high school, or college. Seeing the service crew and some beggars in the street work during the holidays made me realize all the help we got from people while I was studying.
For Viber group chats and Messenger groups that keep the connections alive and strong.
I finished my Christmas shopping earlier this year. Less stress in dealing with the holiday shopping mob at the malls.
I had enough time away from work to help in decorating our house for Christmas this year.
For not passing out when I tried a brisk walking /jogging routine a few months ago. Jelly for legs after, but I did not pass out.
For belonging to a solid MD leadership team at work who seem to genuinely like each other, resource contentions aside.
Being "old enough" in the organization to be able to share what I know to others, but also young enough to learn from others too.
Still fitting in size M clothes in Zara and Daniel Hechter (my go-to stores), notwithstanding my now-prominent-everybody-notices-it-first gut.
Getting good advice on my rubber shoes purchase from a fanatical Adidas person. Thanks Jerry.
Ice cream, and gettin introduced to new flavors this year: Gold Medal Ribbon, Black Sesame. And all the new food and flavors I've tasted this year.
For being O.K. with unrequited love, yet again. Acceptance is key.
I belong to a company that values diversity and made it a point to ensure everyone promotes inclusion. That video is still one of my favorites to-date. #inclusionstartswithI
Dexter (my dog) got hit by a car, and still recovered from his wounds, without needing vet intervention. He's still alive and well, guarding the house when I'm away.
For our new dog, Dutz (short for he-who-I-do-not-want-to-mention), for keeping Mama busy since a shitzu is high-maintenance. For being our bundle of kulit also.
Kuya Erwin, for his veterinary assistance in raising Dutz.
For the Stories function in Instagram.
For the Unfollow option in Facebook, so you can still be friends but not get annoyed by what they post.
The ever-reliable Casa Barberia, now called Sheriff's Barber Shop. Fifty pesos pa rin ang gupit. N years na, fifty pesos pa rin.
The hair treatments I was able to afford at Svenson's, and the progress it made. Also built discipline in maintaining the daily regimen.
New people that you meet and become friends with.
Getting new, relatively inexpensive eyeglasses but still a good match for me, after breaking my old one during the Japan trip.
For the stamina to do 24-hour waking days once in a while, either for work or for play.
My office room now has a TV projector and white board for when I need to be "more visual" in my meetings with my teams.
Completing my PPSM Lead and QAD certification at work.
For those who still champion elevating the discourse and thinking independently, despite the dominance of bots and influencers not worth respecting.
For people who are woke, and see and call out the impunity that now prevails. For those who don't buy the BS.
Finding a way to inexpensively repair my phone after the screen gets smashed on the sidewalk. Thanks Jerry! #noiphoneXuntilthisoneshutsdowncompletely
The loans I made through a micro-financing site were fully paid by the borrowers, allowing me to lend out to other borrowers again. #goodreturn
For earning enough to lend out to relatives from time to time, in small increments. As my mother would say, mas mabuti na ang inuutangan kesa ikaw ang mangailangang mangutang.
Anawim, UNICEF, PAWS, and WorldVision as my channels for charity.
To Ces, Glenn, Irene for the friendship, real talk, and our #epicdinnerchoicefails at pretentious restaurants.
My dependable execs in my accounts. Makes a workday's load lighter.
My reliable exec support.
For the responsive team in our company's tech support.
For the good leads in the Liquid Hub for SAP.
Successfully completing the important client visit for Project A.
That very good meal at Vask.
Eugene's promotion to Senior Manager.
Ezil and Bambi's promotion to Managing Director.
For the exec gatherings at work, promoting fun and camaraderie amongst the executive team.
Uber. Still no horror stories in any of my trips. Makes me lazy to get a car.
Spotify Premium.
LinkedIn Elevate membership.
Netflix. For "good content" that is binge-worthy. For couch potato days.
For the company's Learning Boards. So much content to go through! A come on for a learner like me.
The chance to prepare and present my Journey Line in a workshop session I had with one project. It put to print the story I've been keeping for years.
The non-work moments I enjoyed with my teams and colleagues this year. From drinking sessions to visiting their homes.
For the good non-mainstream, B movies I watched this year. Either huhugot ka or matatawa ka.
The visually amazing mainstream super hero movies this year. I would not watch them in the theatre twice, but they caught my attention at the time.
Mama now seldom purchases whatever interests her on Home TV Shopping.
Mama was unharmed when her Home TV Shopping-purchased glass top stove shattered under heat, a few weeks ago.
For former team mates who we welcomed back into the company this year.
For those we were able to revisit their decision, retract, and stay and push on with us.
Those who left as an informed decision, but kept in touch. Never drifted away.
For relatives who never forget my Mama, and who go visit her when invited.
For Nanay Aida, Ate Alma, Kuya Eric who keep my mother company when I am off fighting the good fight at work.
Early recovery from a gout attack in my right foot.
Sunday evenings are now without anxiety and Monday mornings without much dysania. Thanks.
#funkopopweekend IG posts. For when I am feeling creative on weekends.
My very responsive BPI relationship manager.
Lutong bahay as a break from a workweek full of fast-food.
I feel more conscious of my sleep patterns now because of Fitbit
Plan Eat Program for those weeks when I want to eat healthy.
The time spent with kids of my colleagues, making me feel I'm not the tito that mommies use to scare their kids into submission.
The folks who remember my birthday, and those who give me gifts as if I was still a kid celebrating his birthday.
For my bosses at work: for the guidance, and the marbles.

Forever Blue

2017-02-16T17:52:00.001+08:00

The events these past days had me googling Cacai Velasquez, because her songs capture the saklap bes moments succinctly.

As Still As A Photograph talks about keeping a lost love in memory, regrets included. Slowly fading, like a painting on your wall. I used to say that only I hold the keys to your heart (but) now I can't find the door.

Forever Blue talks about the hopes, angsts and fears of someone who wants but fails to find love. Don't want to be forever blue, coz I deserve some love. That's true. Finding it the hard way and wishing for it everyday. I guess I was wrong to want you.

Migraine's Over. Let's Wallow then Move On

2017-02-12T22:19:00.000+08:00

Well, that's THAT then. A female friend of mine once told me (2 years ago I think), after getting annoyed at the vagueness of my pursuit status with this girl, that I should make a move to make our situation uncomfortable...to finally know where I stand. Now, I know.

"Hindi sinasadya na hanapin pa ang lugar ko. Asan nga ba ako?"

I feel a bit silly that it took this long, and finding out over a silly invite to go out on, sheesh, Valentines Day.

"Gusto ko lang naman, yung totoo. Yung tipong ang sagot ay di rin isang tanong."

She said No. I got a No. She didn't want me or anyone else to misunderstand (what's going on between us) given that the dinner was to be on Valentines Day, she said. You'd think a SMS exchange would be lacking emotion, but I could seriously feel she was very uncomfortable...especially when I didn't get any response to my replies thereafter.

I don't regret anything nor can I pinpoint to anything bad in the past year, while I "pursued" her. I went out more than I did the previous 2-3 years I think, with someone I genuinely liked...and I had inspiration to go out of my way to do things for her. The thing I feel sad about now, was that I did not realize I made her uncomfortable. Maybe not through all of it, but some of it. Especially the ones where people knew we were going out...and I did not even sense it.

I tried to process it for the rest of the day, which luckily was filled with work to be done, and a company-sponsored party later in the evening. So for the time, I pushed it at the back of my mind...until, when it was time to go home from the party and BAM! the elevator to the mall carpark opens and she's there. I felt like, the whole day, I was in a bittersweet unrequited-love-resulting-to-heartbreak-time-to-move-on music video.

"Oo nga pala. Hindi nga pala tayo. Hanggang dito na lang ako."

Screensaver

2017-01-07T21:48:00.001+08:00

I see us when my computer becomes idle. I've riddled my Macbook's screensaver of the pictures we've taken together, so it goes on every minute. They're not that many. And there's much less pictures now. I can blame work, or our work location, or family time on weekends. I think we get a fair share of the blame why we're starting to drift. As the guy pursuing I get most of the blame, I think. You I blame for still keeping your cards too close, too close that it's maddeningly unhelpful. For giving me nothing to work with. Still, I look at the images as they crawl, flip, and dance through my computer screen. And I can't turn away. I don't think I want to give up, even if the smartest thing might be to make that confession and move on. If there's a slightest chance, I hope I sense it. Haaayz.

Beautiful Movies Without a large Audience

2017-01-02T17:41:00.001+08:00

An empty cinema. Except for me and <10 people seated behind me I guess.

Watched Saving Sally today as it is probably the only film I could watch before all films get pulled out of the theaters. I arrived close to screening time, so I asked the teller, "Miss, may seat pa?". She smiled embarrasingly (I think) and said "Madaming madami pa po" then showed me ALL the seat numbers I could choose from. The hype in social media is not pulling the masses into the theatres for the different Metro Manila Film Festival 2016 entries.

What a pity. But it's a start, so I hope the good selections continue in 2017 and onwards while it waits for the Pinoy masa audience to mature a bit more. Change has indeed come. No Bossing or Enteng Kabisote or Vice Ganda or Mano Po. But sadly, hindi bumenta.

My Attempt at 106

2016-12-31T22:47:00.001+08:00

The thing with these attempts that I started since 2009, I always increment it by 1 thing I am thankful for, every year. So for this year, it is up to 106. 106... in many would say as a not really good year for me, most specifically in the work aspect of things, some relatives dying, and in current events and social media. But here I am, able to write down 106 things I am happy about 2016. It really does put things in perspective.

1. My mother is as healthy as her conditions and old age would allow. She can still go on to the market and her check-ups on her own (company of only son is optional), and still cooks as if for the whole clan even if it's just two of us in the house. Every year is indeed a bonus.

2. Except for that hospitalisation last February 2016, I seem to be resilient against all the stress that can flare up my SLE. My doctor would always scold me for visiting only when I'm about to crash though. Need to be more proactive in scheduling check-ups.

3. I finally delivered on that vacation promise for Mama in Hong Kong, last May. Brought her to the happiest place on Earth, supposedly but the charm wore off when she got tired of walking.

4. Related to #3, it was also Mama's first international trip.

5. Extended family and friends making the time to celebrate Mama's 73rd birthday. She does like gatherings.

6. Mama's oncologist had her biliary stent removed already. A sign that whatever pancreatic mass there is, it's not blocking any duct anymore.

7. I have a new inaanak, Nathan Edward.

8. My Nanay Aida added one more year to her age, but still has not aged a day, and still looking out for all of us.

9. I was able to bring Mama to Tagaytay while on business/office meetings. Have not been to Taal Vista since my birthday n years ago. Bringing family with you is a great privilege to have had.

10. The company of friends Jaze, Peter, Raya, and Anthony (and his friends) all through Fete de la Musique last June. Funny how we always ended up at Finders Keepers in the wee hours of the morn.

11. The advent of Design Thinking in the office. Really loved the training on it.

12. The degustation dinner at Pepita's Kitchen. Yun ang panalo.

13. Fitbit given out to all Products IG execs. Aside from motivating me to walk more, now I can show my doctor that I actually sleep, however short it may be.

14. Dr. Penserga. My doctor since I was 15, who still deals with me like a stubborn teenager every check-up. My saviour every time I crash and burn. Please don't retire yet!

15. My mother is not tech-savvy so no smartphones to buy. Inexpensive Nokia handsets are enough.

16. Zalora online shopping.

17. The visitors I've hosted and/or presented to. Kembot skills in-progress.

18. The Les Miserables experience, including the traffic police chase and bribery scene prior to the show, and the chance meeting with some family after.

19. Passing the Agile certification.

20. Ramen Kuroda, for the Aka Chasumen set. My "go-to" ramen place. Aside from Ippudo.

21. 121 Resto, for the biglaang yayaang inuman, and select videoke sessions included with my team members and execs.

22. My teams remembering my birthday

23. Having that long overdue videoke session with Carlo, Glenn, Evelette, and Irene.

24. The office Gantimpala awards, for recognising my colleagues: Ezil, Sheryll, Gojie, Maizie, Marielle, Morli, Jan,Irene, John, Jenny, JP, Tristan, and Nescel. Project E winning too.

25. The nice Christmas gathering of office friends at Everett's house.

26. Rice & Dough for that Stone-cooked U.S. Angus Beef Tenderloin wrapped in bacon that we both consider as a favourite.

27. The fun team building of the Augusta Peeps somewhere in Rizal, the night time amazing race adventure I had going there, and the cool Augusta shirt I got after.

28. The ECU benefit at my company, results of which were good inputs to my doctor who advised an inexpensive way to address my ECU findings -- change my lifestyle, working hours included.

29. I have grown chubbier, with people pointing out my newfound gut every time.

30. The hard-earned Go-lives of my new teams, amidst all the stressors.

31. The self-reliance of my managers and their teams, as I tried to deal with the pressures of my new team and my new role, and they had to deal with a non-responsive, crankier version of me.

32. Finding a better way to deal with the daily commute.

33. Getting invite to Narnia (for Danille's birthday) and discovering Twin Lakes along the trip.

34. Waking up to birds chirping, knowing our house is surrounded by greens still. Being around nature is rare these days.

35. Finding an alternative chapel to go to, instead of the crowded churches I usually go to.

36. Meetings in Uptown that justify staying on for the day and having dinner.

37. Morli's help in getting all the things needing doing, done.

38. Spending last hours of my birthday night with Irene and Glenn. Such motivating convos with close friends.

39. My quaint birthday lunch at Florabel's with my family of choice.

40. Martin getting married! Haven't had laureat since Edward & Marra's wedding. Hehe.

41. The nights out unwinding with Jen, and Ace.

42. Enough stars in my Starbucks card to use to treat majority of interested JDE team members to coffee in the late hours.

43. For always having something to ponder on after hearing the gospel during Sunday mass.

44. Nearby supermarket for those last minute purchases, even if late at night

45. More food options now at Venice Grand Canal mall near the office: Chowking, Jollibee, Burger King and TGIFridays.

46. A movie theatre now operational at the Venice Grand Canal mall! Great for watching movies before the shift.

47. Seeing the ASG project finally get onshore opportunities. Costa Rica nga lang. Same for Dan and Lui.

48. Finally getting a Darth Vader Funko Pop figure.

49. Ken and Ezil getting promoted to Associate Director level

50. Getting lent the book "Quiet" and further understanding my strength as an introvert in a world that's nagging annoyingly. Still reading.

51. Even though Typhoon Nina/Nock Ten has ravaged Marinduque, my relatives are all safe although there is some damage to property.

52. I am employed in a company that is performing strong, and is founded on good core values

53. The entertainment that I get from Pokemon Go! Amusement during the daily travels.

54. The late night dinners/kwentuhan/inuman with Ward. Yung halos everyday na. Stress reliever. Ha ha.

55. Discovering Sarsa. And Buffalo Wild Wings. And Din Tai Fung. And Nihonkai Tsukiji. Yum.

56. Game of Thrones. Probably the only TV show I followed religiously throughout the year.

57. Being able to sustain Mama's Home TV Shopper tendencies. It's her coping mechanism for not seeing me around the house most of the time so, might as well indulge her.

58. For some reason, my monthly amortisation for the house has gone down the past months. And the remaining principal loan balance is just a little over Php 300K. I'm almost done!

59. Thanks to my job, I am able to pay my bills on time, including the ones for the house and Mama's credit card.

60. Uber, for the hassle free rides.

61. Alvin, my sucking rental AUV driver. For when Uber won't do and I need a dedicated transport for my mom.

62. For friendship that reaches down under, with college friends in Oz. Text lang OK na. Although nawalan na ata talaga ako ng free room and board sa mga Guarin's.

63. The friendship of my senyors. Mga pamilyado na pero nagiging binata pag kasama ako. For my sake naman ata.

64. Being around supportive bosses and colleagues, always asking how else they can help me or giving me options.

65. Finally able to wear Naruto costume during Trick or Treat in the office. Was not able to show it off a lot since I got buried in meetings the whole day.

66. Newport Cinema for having extended screening times, allowing us to watch Deadpool very late at night after the end of shift, after crossing out all the other earlier schedules.

67. Crossed out bucket list of owning Bally shoes and bag. Even if just purchased from outlet stores.

68. The mango tree in our yard actually bears fruit. A lot of it, during summer.

69. Discovering panda sites/accounts on Instagram. I use these as my happy place, and actually gets me thinking about becoming a caretaker.

70. The ASG Oakheart Ball. So good to see the team all spiffy and glamorous, for a change.

71. Flying Mule at Hungry Hound and Russian Mule at Las Flores. Favourite cocktails.

72. The Anawim Foundation for taking care of the abandoned elderly and for sending me a nice thank you packet.

73. For all the mas-natutuloy-pag-biglaan gimiks or lunches or dinners... whether with friends or teammates

74. My interest in reading books is back. My time to read more of them, not yet. Baby steps.

75. Timehop for keeping the social media memories alive.

76. Talent and rewards decision (for my case) was better than what I expected.

77. Several friends and acquaintances getting promoted to associate manager, manager and senior manager. Meritocracy in action.

78. Wolfing down a Brothers Burger and onion rings on the side, after N years of not eating there.

79. Good Returns, and my company for helping introduce me to Good Returns. I believe micro financing is key to helping build communities and livelihood.

80. Not being reported to Facebook and blocked even after all the arguments with trolls and bots in the social media threads.

81. Seeing the start of better synergies across the factories we have in the office.

82. Some alone time to watch movies, like Suicide Squad, The Force Awakens, and Rogue One.

83. The Sweet filter of Camera360.

84. Good finds at Zara, Uniqlo, and Daniel Hechter. Pumogi ako ng slight.

85. The MMFF for 2016 has more quality films than what I've seen since, forever. Good job, organisers.

86. Te Amo Floristeria for the nice floral arrangements. How I wish you'd be cheaper.

87. Getting upgraded to BPI Preferred Banking status, with all the perks I have yet to fully maximise.

88. Youtube and Dailymotion, so I can catch-up on specific web series.

89. I was able to make my green polo shirt and green tie with blue coat look work, despite what my naysayers (named Irene and Ward) say.

90. The Philippines had a generally peaceful and orderly election.

91. During these times in politics, that I am able to entertain a thought without accepting it. A mark of an educated mind. Or at least that's what Aristotle said.

92. That band in one of our office conferences, which I joined in to sing and dance to "Footloose".

93. iTunes for all the new songs I've sung to during the year.

94. My executive support for all the, er, support.

95. My Cignal subscription finally has Jack TV and HBO Signature added to it. Cinema One na lang kulang.

96. The difficult meetings at work. Good practice at being....

97. That Rappler and other news agencies are giving these overnight "journos" and bloggers a good fight. Need to take the internet back.

98. The Diestro family coming over to celebrate December 24 at the house, much to my mama's delight. She really does love gatherings, even if it means just staying in the kitchen and cooking for visitors.

99. World Vision for helping bring help to kids and communities

100. Despite the surprisingly far reaching effect of a revisionist campaign, many people including some millennials did not succumb to the idiotic belief that Marcos was a hero or a great president. Shots fired, I know. Bring it.

101. Cousins that you treat as siblings, inaanaks that are also pamangkins. An only child's sense of extended family.

102. Dexter was castrated successfully and without any adverse effect. Thank you Kuya Erwin.

103. For the holiday warrior teams who are still working during the holidays, especially during Christmas and New Year's Eve. Keeping the holiday lights on.

104. Nanay Aida, Ate Weny, Ate Alma, Kuya Eric for keeping Mama company and taking care of her during the workweek when I'm spending most of my waking time outside the house.

105. The "agree to disagree" card, that cut short many an argument and saved many a friendship this year.

106. All the uneventful weekends at home or outside, with mama. Like tonight, New Year’s Eve.

Just an Issue of Lonely People That will Never Continue

2016-12-29T22:30:00.002+08:00

When friends would ask for updates on my love life, I would say nothing's happening. I still like this girl. We go out when we can. She's still not my girlfriend. And then they would subject me to what today is called #Realtalk. You'd think after three frustrations, I'd know if I was not getting anywhere with someone. For a time, I really did believe I was making progress with her, and she really did make progress with me. And then you just notice the little things, and then get to ask yourself questions, and then as you answer them yourself, you get to realize. It probably wasn't going anywhere other than friendly companionship. Or something to fill up the missing spaces in her time or mine. A convenient, weekday connection or fling. I'd like to credit myself as being sensitive enough to sense people's feelings but then I guess with the people I like, it takes me some time. So here I am, unfortunately still debating with myself about closing this chapter and moving on, kept on strings by past acts of kindness and by my own feelings, while at the same time disengaged by a lack of response and encouragement. All my friends are pushing for closure, in whatever form that may come in, in whatever result that may lead to. Yeah, I guess. Time's up.

Our time is up

We return to emptiness

The stories that only we know, did they happen because of feelings?

Or was it only two lonely people who happened to meet?

In truth it should be stopped

Then there would be no way to get hurt

I shouldn't hold on to those matters or think about them anymore

You might not have felt anything at that moment we met

It might not have been love

But it was good enough for me to be unable to forget you

But the truth is that I shouldn't be here anymore

When I know full well that you have someone with all of your heart

It's just an issue of lonely people that will never continue

In the end it's my fault for being careless

Thinking only of last night's matters

- Reuang Meua Keun by Namcha Cheeranat

TOO LATE

2016-10-08T18:59:00.003+08:00

I knew I loved you then
But you'd never know
Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I know I needed you
But I never showed
But I wanna stay with you
Until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go

Last QiXi/Double Seventh Festival a.k.a. Chinese Valentines Day

2016-08-28T19:54:00.001+08:00

Back to reading books

2016-03-26T19:34:00.003+08:00

Well, not really "book" books.

I managed to finished three graphic novels of Neil Gaiman during the Holy Week break, since Maundy Thursday. Sandman Overture, the prequel to the Sandman series that was written and published 20 years after. Fortunately The Milk, a light story telling of a Dad's quest to bring milk for his kid's breakfast. And Dream Hunters which told of the story between a fox and a monk, and Morpheus. Friends and family, based on the social media newsfeed and timeline, are spending the long break outside the metro. By tradition, I needed to be back home and participate in watching processions and such. In between, for lack of any other thing to occupy my thoughts with --aside from Facebook, Youtube, Instagram, and Twitter -- I turned to the backlog of unread novels/comics in my study.

I used to read fiction a lot. Even to the extent of the classics (i.e., Crime and Punishment, Tale of Two Cities, Great Expectations). I must admit that the advent of social media disrupted and shortened my attention span. So short that I cannot finish reading a book, if ever I do find some time to spend on prose. It is, indeed, a flaw I have developed as I grew older and worked harder. And to think that I have this dream of coming up with an original story for a novel or for a graphic novel. I love a good story. I enjoy the styles and the stories of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. And Charles Dickens. I understand it's a bit of a limited roster of works that my taste in literature revolve in.

Part of the reason I am trying to get back into reading books/graphic novels is, I am trying to improve how I communicate verbally with others. One coaching tip I got from this "Mastering Your Communication Style" workshop that I attended was, read children's books. I talked too fast, with too many ideas and in long sentences. And so I was told to get familiar at how simple communication can be, via toddler books. And as I was reading during the Holy Week break, I did notice. I was jumping off sentences, missing out on words. It's like I was always in a hurry, like I wanted it to be over as soon as possible. I had to do a double-take and re-read certain portions, to properly understand. I had to increase my focus, because I was losing it most of the time. My discipline in reading and comprehension, I found wanting. I hope to re-establish better reading skills as I go through my backlog of books for the rest of the year.

Valentines Day. Alone Again. Naturally.

2016-02-14T23:00:00.001+08:00

Valentines Day 2016 is about to end. A month ago, I was expecting to spend it differently from the past years. Meaning, I expected to not be alone. I expected to be on a date. With the girl I like. The girl I've been trying somewhat to pursue since late last year. The girl I had, for some weeks, spent conversations over dinner, over drives going home after office. The girl I downloaded an app to learn basic Mandarin phrases. But NO. I spent Valentines Day going to mass alone, eating dinner alone, couple-watching alone. Again. And it's all my fault.

I had the momentum. Anyone who knew would say I had the momentum. Then I let my obsession with work get in the way. This new project got me so consumed and stressed out that I really did not have time for anything else. Before I could check myself, I was clocking more and more hours at work, and less and less hours for anything else including sleep. This degeneration of my work-life balance landed me on a hospital bed eventually, but that is a separate blog post altogether. I really did have little time for anything else, spending time with/for her included. She was commiserating with me at first: sending me IMs, checkung up on me. Then I guess after missing office gatherings, it was like...gone. It really was up to me to sustain the connection but I was so caught up in trying to fix all the mess in the project, I barely had time to look at my phone, much less send SMS. As I look at it I think I'm back to square one. All the progress I made in pursuing this girl got diluted back to being in acquaintance status, all because of work that up to now, is still full of shitty problems to deal with. I ended up in a lose-lose situation. I'm going to try to recover over the next weeks, but I din't know really where to start without looking like I'm trying so hard. I'm afraid another ship has sailed.

So here I am. Dateless for another Valentines Day, disappointed it was not any different from the past years. Which brings me to question (again) my vocation in life-- am I really meant for marriage, or single-blessedness? I have before recognized the possibility that I might be meant to live a solitary life. But then the past 2 months happened, and the hope of having a family life was rekindled again. Did the work chaos that I had to go through recently a way for God to tell me that I'm meant to stay single? It did veer me away from any pursuit, it got me so busy and dazed that I did not even have an idea on any Valentine plans. I'm curious to know. God, tell me what you want for me.

2016-02-05T18:19:00.001+08:00

All the long working hours in the office and short sleeping time finally ended in their inevitable conclusion: I got hospitalized for possible lupus flare up. My doctor immediately saw how weak I was when I came in for a consult: my whole body was restless and I was like a candle about to be snuffed out. My body was so tired it finally gave me a message I could not ignore anymore. I chose to ignore the asks for more sleep and instead abused my body. So here I am, hooked up to an I.V. for rehydration, and diagnosed with Hypertension (for which, I am now on maintenance medication). I must say the pressures of the job really broke me this time. My doctor always said that lost sleep cannot be recovered no matter how you make up for it, and how the normal sleep should really be from 10PM to 5AM to match the normal cycle of the body cleansing itself. The hustle and bustle at work gave me sleepless nights, and also anxiety and stress. Hopefully I recover fast.

Chan Dee Jai Tee Mee Ter

2016-01-10T21:55:00.000+08:00

To you, who I know waits for me to finish fixing whatever it is I needed it to fix, no matter how long I stayed in the office, so you can give me a ride home (even on the premise of having something to do yourself). To you, who patiently listens to my rants about work even when you have rants of your own. To you, who regularly checks if I ate already and then buys me a proper meal if you knew I am tied to my desk the whole day and cannot spare time for dinner. To you, who always makes time for me when I ask if you want to eat out or go out. To you, who made the effort to join me when I met my friends even if it meant falling sick after two beers. To you, who checked up on me when I was working during the holidays. To you, who keeps her cards close that I don't know exactly what "we" are right now....I just want to say, I'm glad to have you. And that I'm at ease knowing you'll be right here.

ฉันดีใจที่มีเธอ - I'm Glad by Phun - Engsub by... by JaneJane256

In a world where it's a labyrinth
In a world where everyone must struggle
It's confusing, tiring, and exhausting
In a world where agony prevails
And constantly enters my life
Sometimes I'm unsure how to overcome them
But as life goes on, and the more I experience
It's making me realise

I'm glad I have you in my life
I'm glad to have met you
You're the only encouragement I have in every single minute
I'm glad to have you in my life
No matter what I will face
I am at ease knowing you will be right here

Within these numerous obstacles
Within these doubts and chaos
Within my future, my present, and my past
Within this pain that I must encounter
That I can never escape from
I don't know what else I must endure tomorrow
But as life goes on, and the more I experience
It's making me realise

I'm glad I have you in my life
I'm glad to have met you
You're the only encouragement I have in every single minute
I'm glad to have you in my life
No matter what I will face
I am at ease knowing you will be right here

I am at ease knowing you will be...with...me.

My Attempt at 105

2016-01-01T00:46:00.002+08:00

I have not worked like that for N years, reminiscent of my junior audit years or SI implementation project as a junior consultant — long hours and then back to the office again early, no sleep just naps, together with difficult and annoying discussions. ’twas all happening in the last few days of 2015, up to just a few hours ago. I didn’t have enough time to buy fireworks to celebrate New Year’s Eve! And so it is very easy to turn into my default grumpy mode but I choose the opposite. It has been a good year. A very good year for someone with a handle named @rodhatesworld. And so I’m counting.

My mother celebrated her 72nd birthday. Every year completed is a gift. I may not have been able to take her to Hong Kong as promised, but ditched an important client meeting to bring her and her fave people to NIU
Zero hospitalization in the family this year. Compared to years before, this is indeed a welcome change.
Mama’s oncologist told her that he only needs to see her every six months. We celebrated by eating out at Vikings.
My Nanay Aida remains strong enough to be my rock. At 84, she looks ageless compared to me, and our pictures together through the years show it.
My promotion to Managing Director. From the preparation to the process to its fruition, and the cheer from everyone I know when I made it. I am deeply humbled and thankful to my champions at work, especially Jonjon.
The entitlements that went with the new level. My own room with a good view, and very competent executive support.
Celebrating my #offthegrid birthday in Sofitel, where I intentionally became unreachable through phone or e-mail. Except of course, when I had to come in on my birthday for a presentation to a client CIO.
Seeing Eugene, Ace and Emie make it to manager level. Could not have been any prouder.
ASG won a High Performing Team Award again this year. And I was able to bring a different set of leads to Solaire Resorts for the awarding ceremony.
Seeing my close friends be individual Gantimpala annual awardees: Eugene, Marge, Charles, Paul, Gary.
Graduating from the Catalyst program for leaders in the office.
Being there for Raya and Peter on their wedding day (after turning down the invitation to be their ninong). And then painting the town red with them for nights after.
The opportunity and the task of being Nanay Aida’s unofficial photographer when she wants her solo shots.
Winning a GoPro camera during Augusta’s anniversary celebration.
The support from fellow execs, especially the senior managers like Ken, Ezil, Robbie, Ev, Paul, etc. as I took on the SF Lead role and made their lives much harder. He he he. I am lucky enough to work with these people who are super easy to work with.
Augusta is going for its 10th year of client service, and the relationship with the client has never been stronger. Looking forward to the grand celebration next year when the client comes to Manila.
Seeing Augusta peeps finally get onshore and GCP opportunities within the account. It was a long-standing dream and now it’s happening.
Seeing Gojie and Peter wow the Augusta client and proving we can match their deployment consultants.
Going on my first trip to Cebu, and visiting the teams at the Cebu office.
Team BCOL went live on the service. The project was short-lived but I know the team built a good bond with each other, and we delivered good performance to the client.
Deal Grocer for introducing me to photo canvass. Had great ones done out of my pictures with my mother.
Office shirt days. And the photo opps that it triggered.
Finally got HomeBro installed at my house. Now I’m at dial-up speed, finally. #sarcasmyanPLDT
Seeing CCC and EMC off to their new adventures to conquer their new “colonies”.
Summer escapades with my Augusta and ASG teams.
Seeing MJ, Aira, Tiong, and Will tie the knot. May forever. There’s hope.
Night outs with Anthony, Jaze, Raya, Peter and Gojie — from Z Hostel to Finders Keepers to wherever. But no, I’m not an alcoholic.
Exec gatherings throughout the year. I belong to a good solid group.
That one fine day called the Run and Rock event of the office at Aseana, where I won mosh pit tickets for two. Before it all ended up in rain, I was having a really really good time. #accentureph30
That night of heavy traffic that ended in
Those lunch outs with execs at the office especially the impromptu ones.
Finally had a flash mob in the office, to send off Ellen.
Becoming part of the H&PS exec team.
The people who helped see C—es RRM through like Ezil. Lesson learned.
The untiring core group who started Simple Finance capability building in the office.
Finding a good replacement in ASG in the form of Jonathan and Eugene. I am happy to say I am dispensable.
Seeing Richie get the opportunity to move out of ASG and pursue a GCP role. Promise kept.
Getting a JB Ynares ORIGINAL painting FOR FREE.
Sambokujin and Vikings now have branches in our default hangout, SM Megamall.
Discovering Zara and Uniqlo as another favourite apparel brand aside from Bench and Daniel Hechter.
The month-long send-off for Ellen.
Discovering how great a hangout place the Hungry Hound is, after the EALA planning meeting.
The new EALA family I belong to. All-in-all it is Has fun as my CG&S one.
I still belong to Products.
Those videoke nights with ASG peeps at Chicago, even if sometimes it’s a despedida for someone resigning.
Cable Car moments with Augusta peeps and R&J Bulalohan/Rufo’s moments with ASG. See the difference across the two teams. Ha ha ha.
Having enough cash to bring my family of choice to Spiral restaurant in Sofitel for my birthday.
That great senior manager conference where I learned coaching points on work life balance. I still have to finalise my final 5 roles. A lot of roles to trim down.
Finally got to sing with a live band. Sang The Dawn’s “Salamat” with Irene.
The awesome year-end party of Augusta, complete with the comeback of the mobile bar.
Mall time, grocery time, with Mama.
Attending Alesso’s party at the Palace Pool Club with Augusta friends. A first on both counts. A sweet escape indeed.
Seeing Edward reach senior manager level.
Cutie Nathan and Gabe brightening up anyone’s day on my FB feed.
Having someone care enough to buy me dinner when she knows I don’t even have time to stand up from my desk due to back-to-back-to-back meetings.
The great result of the SF Carnival even with the limited budget we have.
The opportunity to party Divergent-style with the Cebu office. The energy was contagious, the welcome so warm. Thanks Riza, Merlo, Dave and the rest of the folks.
Christmas lunch at Todd English with my SF executive team on my tab. Wow, I can afford it pala.
Finally a good dinner with my co-Baguio mutineers Glenn, Anna, and Irene. Feeling mayaman moment at Makati Shang.
Back-to-back-to-back Christmas events across my Augusta, BCOL, ASG, and AMS families.
The opportunity to lead a new account. It may be freaking hard now (and I don’t know why I’m thankful for it) but I’m hoping this new team matches the stretch and determination of my other teams to succeed and deliver client value.
All the Christmas gifts I got this year.
Friends who encouraged my Funko Pop collector tendencies by giving me more of it as Christmas presents….when my only intent was to just buy Snape.
New roles in the office. They are a sign of trust and confidence in me. Although I do need to start rationalising how many these are.
The lunch outs with long-time sister Ces, which although few and far between, always manages to get a laugh out of me. Thanks for the tips, Ces. A far cry from our angsty selves N years ago.
The good bonding time with Marge in our Cebu trip.
Always getting pasalubong from Bugs’ teams. Mana sa nanay nila.
Those alone times during Sunday afternoon mass.
Those rare moments when all senyors are in complete attendance: Jek, George, and Peewee. Truly, friendship goes beyond proximity and frequent contact.
Having competent mentors like Jonjon, Ellen, Anna, Cristy. Makes you want to try harder.
The new restaurants that Mama and I tried this year.
Uber. Surge or no surge.
GrabTaxi drivers who are not choosy and really provide good passenger service.
The joy of seeing Mama healthy enough to go shop for bags, shoes, H&M clothes, also at Zara’s…. Hmmm, wait. Yes, still thankful.
Good Returns — my new advocacy that started year. Micro financing does a lot of good.
Getting a new iPhone after my old one took a dive in the ASG summer event.
Safety. No untoward incidents even if I go home on commute in the wee hours of the morning.
Stamina and health, that I can keep up with my workload and schedule and gimik nights and still be delinquent in my check-ups with my doctor. I stand on grace.
Getting free rides from work late at night to the terminal stop, and the entertaining conversation along the way.
Being able to go out on dinner constantly with an officemate...in as much as my schedule would allow. I do hope it would allow me some more. Sigh.
The fact that someone bothers to follow your instruction to text you when they’re home.
Despite the increase in roles, conf calls, to-do’s at work and at home, I think I am able to pursue something on the personal side more now than before. Weird.
I am able to help relatives through non-interest bearing, non-term loans this year. I live comfortable enough to be generous.
Apps on the Apple Store that let’s you learn how to speak basic Chinese phrases. What a big help!
To the Diestro and Lagarejos clan, for being a family we can run to.
Viber. For keeping me connected and entertain myself using the stickers.
Social Media for downloading all that excess baggage and serve as an outlet of expression.
Citibank for making this promo that you can pay your Christmas purchases 3 months after.
My housing loan balance amount is getting smaller and smaller, and none of my post-dated checks have bounced.
I was able to buy Beats by Dre, titanium. Cool sounds, definitely.
The smiles and laughter I still manage to have with my leads whenever we have issues with our difficult client counterparts. I’m not as intense as before, and I like it.
The dark curtains in my room that allow me a few more hours of sleep given my work schedule.
My selfie skills are improving, thereby earning me a reputation that I’m the unofficial photographer and selfie-taker during office gatherings.
Timehop. For the reminders of the good times and my thoughts at a a particular day, years ago.
Was able to treat out my teams for my birthday, even if I wasn’t there physically.
My mother is starting to get organised around the house, starting with cleaning up and organising her room and the kitchen stuff.
Jonjon. For the guidance and the marbles. Constant intense pressure notwithstanding.
Blood relatives who make my mother feel connected and happy when they are around. She’s used to being around a lot of people.
Saturdays that allow me to make up for lost sleep, no matter what my doctor says about lost sleep not being compensated by sleeping longer next time.
A Makati Shangri-la promo that allowed me and Mama to have a staycation over Christmas.
Company stocks.
Ellen for always having my back, and for the cover.
Photo apps on my iPhone. For those great pictures, collages, selfies, and groupies.
My iTunes music library for the company to and from work.
I wasn’t able to buy fireworks for New Year’s Eve but then, it’s raining in our area. Bwahahahaha! No... My 105 is really about being thankful to the Lord for His never ending Grace. Nothing achieved thus far would have been possible. Time and again life has taught me that everything will be O.K., so I hold on to that thought as I brace myself to the challenging days ahead. Yep, Jan 2 pa lang, conf call na agad. San ka pa?

"You know you love someone when you sit up all night just to watch someone sleep"

2015-11-21T23:10:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I thought about Dawson's Creek, but the events last night reminded me of this specific scene, and the specific quote from the show that I put in the title. What was supposed to be a casual Friday night gimik became a pa-morningan bonding session to remember.

I wasn't even expecting her to go. I got this invite from an officemate to hang out over chicken and beer with some project mates, and I just thought of inviting her, since we didn't have concrete plans on where to go. She didn't want to first, seeing as she didn't know anyone of the guys. But in the end she did go with me (which made me feel a foot taller) even if it meant being the only girl in the table. The night's conversation with the guys was great, and she did drink up 1-2 Corona's. At around 2:30pm the establishment was closing shop, so we filed outside. She went ahead of us downstairs while I chatted with the guys. By the time I came down to rejoin them, my friend told me she collapsed all of a sudden while I was upstairs. Alarmed, I rushed to where she was sitting, and she did look pale. I looked at her intently and she was weakening progressively. It took another hour of her just resting, gagging, and drinking water until we managed to convince her to go to the office clinic to lie down and rest. She wouldn't hear of us bringing her to the nearby emergency room, nor bring her home. After dropping us off, I sent the guys home and I stayed there with her while she recovered, all the while trying to do a RCA session with her on why she blacked-out: her anemia, drop in blood pressure, the fact that she didn't drink enough water during the day before joining us for drinks, and not that much sleep or insomnia. I made her comfortable on the clinic bed, comforter and all. She was shivering cold when the aircon temperature wasn't that high, so I knew something was up. The nurse said it could be because of lack of sleep. Well at least for a few hours, she got to rest. With me beside her, watching over.

I had to keep awake just in case, so after n months of not playing, I sliced away at Fruit Ninja on my Iphone. A lot of thoughts swirled in my mind while I mindlessly swiped at apples: How helpless I was when one of the guys asked if I knew how to drive so I could just drive her home using her car; How her parents might be already worried (it was already past 4am) but she left her mobile phone in the car; How I might not be able to carry her in my arms if I needed to, back there at the bar; What next steps I can do if she doesn't get well in the next few hours. It further created doubts on my ability to pursue a relationship, particularly THIS relationship to the next stage. I hardly have the means and muscle to take care of a girlfriend. That, plus the reservations I have about making my personal relationships a priority amidst the changes in my role at work...screwed over and over in my head. I felt emasculated.

By 7:00 in the morning she said she was recovered, and immediately tried to walk, but we had to turn back to the clinic when she got dizzy again. That set us back another hour before we finally left the office clinic, and have her comfortable enough to drive home. Despite her protests, I insisted to accompany her until she reached their house because I really had to make sure she arrived home safe (but got booted off her car when we were just one minute away from it). I was awake more than 24 hours that full day. Probably around 30 hours on the whole. I checked up on her in the evening and she said she was OK and already went out with family. I told her she'll be on liquor ban until further notice. He he. Feeling bf.

Such was my Friday/Saturday. Memorable indeed. There's the hope that we've gotten much much closer after this unfortunate circumstance. Hope, as my friend said, that I earned a lot of pogi points. Myself, it created more doubts in my head, but the hope's still there. But there is no doubt in my mind on the quote: you know you love someone when you sit up all night just to watch someone sleep. I just did that last night.

So far, one of the best fastfood take-out meals I've eaten

2015-11-06T00:18:00.001+08:00

And it's because she bought it for me. Here's how it went:

It was one of those freakish working days when you look at your calendar at the beginning of your day and see lots of conflicting calendar entries overlapping to span a full twelve hours. And that was indeed how it went. I was jumping from one conference call to the next, from one boss' room to the other boss' rooms, from one project meeting to another. I was running on light breakfast I didn't even finish plus this one rice, one viand combo meal from the canteen. And Coca-Cola. Lots of Coke. When I had the chance I'd reply to her instant messages on the office communicator (most times I was so swamped the replies were so few and far between). Maybe she sensed how crazy my schedule was, so she asked if I wanted her to buy me anything since she was already going out for dinner. This was instead of asking if I had dinner already, to which I usually say "not yet" then we end up having dinner together. Part of me felt disappointed because one of the things I look forward to now is having dinner with her, and because of these marathon meetings I could not. We got into the discussion of what I wanted to eat. I deferred to her to choose for me but she finally managed to make me decide what I want after painstakingly offering options. I was still in the middle of one meeting when she sent SMS asking where I was. When I said I was still in a meeting, she said she'll leave it at my desk. Meeting over, i went to my desk and found her just arriving with this...this feast to the eyes of a famished corporate slave.

I offered to pay her but she wouldn't hear of it. These gestures, these things...they make me hope. For someone who was so used to not depend on anyone other than his mother for things, there's an unexplainable feeling when the person you like shows they care enough to buy you food when you can't. It's a nice feeling to know she's concerned about me.

In a day full of issues and of increasing workload, she (together with the takeout) was the only good thing that happened that day. And I told her that.

Xia Ge Li Bai Jian

2015-10-29T09:18:00.001+08:00

Last night. Part of me wanted to tell the taxi driver to turn around and drop me back at the office, so we can be stuck in EDSA midnight traffic together if I hitch a ride with her. Part of me saw it practical not to, and just gave her advice to avoid EDSA Guada/Shaw when she leaves the office (so she decided to go the Makati route going home). I didn't know she was taking a long weekend with family and I guess that's still reflective of how I haven't really exerted effort. Spent another full workday up to my ears in tasks and only remembering to text/instant message her during dinner/before going home. I deserved not knowing. I deserved a surprise "See you next week" on a Wednesday.

It is indeed nice to know someone remembers.

2015-10-28T11:31:00.001+08:00

Tuesday was spent meeting after meeting, completing to-do and adding more to it, replying to e-mails, good and bad. Didn't have time to ask anyone out to dinner nor check up on how they're doing. Felt guilty for sending SMS only close to midnight, as I was about to go home. I didn't want the person think it was an afterthought (though there may be some truth there). It was a day I spent around 30 minutes barely discussing how many my roles are with one of my bosses, and at close to midnight I realize I cannot prioritize anyone other than my mother with this workload. It will be unfair to anyone I deem special. It won't be that mad crazy love I want for the person (similar to how I usually am when I am really into someone. See my past post on my three Frustrations). And given the level of difficulty of THIS one, I have serious doubts on success.

But then, I get this in reply and I have hope. Someone was actually wanting to check up on me. And it started the long SMS chat home. I am afraid I am starting to hope.

บอย สมภพ -สั่น SHAKE

2015-10-10T19:28:00.000+08:00

I find it amusing that the one song I can relate to now with regards to the closest thing I have to a love life is a Thai song. An OST from a high-school TV series in Thailand, involving boys love. The series is called Love Sick. It's so off but the translated lyrics hit a spot...somewhere.

I keep moving with a trembling heart

I don't know where this road will end

Will there be love waiting for me?

Will there be?

Someone who searches for love like me?

Who searches for the meaning of love.

As if I am lost in a desperate place

The stars I've seen have disappeared.

I've searched for far too long.

I've reached nothing but the wrong answers

As I get too close

It's gone too far to reach.

The music is catchy, and the Thai lyrics have a nice ring to it. No sense memorizing it though. I'll sound crazy if I sing it out loud. Still, here's hoping my life gets to relate more to the rest of the song....

Until I found you holding my hands

Took me to a whole new world

Set a whole new dream for me

I never thought I'd dream

You make me feel the meaning of true love

Now I know the reason my heart shakes like this

Just like this, whenever we're together

You make me feel the warmth from your embrace

Til the sun is gone, 'til it all disappeared

You hold me tight, I have you close

I'd never ask for anything more.

Haircut Day

2015-10-10T17:03:00.000+08:00

Years ago, I'd never thought I'd look good in a buzz cut. In my youth I had very thick wavy hair. Hard to control with hair gel... until I got sick with lupus. With the falling hair and then now as I got old the thinning hair, it really did not do to just say "barber's cut" when I go to a barbershop.

If I remember correctly I started wearing a buzz cut when I became senior manager. Colleagues were shocked but complimented the new look. Now every time I go to my usual barbershop in town (the one that charges 50 pesos per shave, I don't think I can stomach paying above 100 for a haircut), my suking barbero already knows I'd want it shaven. He just asks what number (thickness) of the buzz cut I want. I usually pick kwatro if I wanted a bit thicker or when I want is cleaner-looking I say tres so he'd choose a razor that shaves closer to the scalp. The good thing about this hairstyle is that it goes well with the unkempt look whenever I forget to shave. Heh heh.

Don't you just love impromptus?

2015-10-10T03:14:00.001+08:00

In a way I still believe in serendipity. About things falling into place. At the right time. I still believe in pleasant surprises, in opportunities that just present itself. I had no Friday plans until around 10pm. Then a burger, two bottles of beer, and a great night of conversation later, I found myself home at 3am on a Saturday. It was indeed a super nice end to this effing workweek.

Beast Mode

2015-10-08T23:05:00.001+08:00

Tonight I just exploded. I was in a conference call with the network manager of a new project I'm leading and I lost it. And for good reason. Estimated charges are now amounting to 400% more than original estimate. After a good few minutes of listening to the doofus explain himself, I went ballistic. It is frustrating how after you were asked to follow a process, and you followed it, that you get screwed over by this missing step that was made known to you at the start. My voice got louder, my tone got higher, my chest got tighter. I was tapping on my desk and throwing paper around. I have never been this enraged after a long long long time.

I've always been known in the office as a nice manager. A cool manager. A chill manager with a dash of cynicism and sarcasm. Tonight, I went diablo mode.

The manager promised to get back to me with the RCA on why the estimates were horrendously off the mark. And by the time I put down my headset, I realized I wasn't the only one in the work area. My other team was still there, quietly working extended hours while I threw a fit. Nobody could look at me after. A good time to make my exit then. Heh heh.

Lying In My Room

2015-10-06T17:29:00.001+08:00

"Get well soon! More than half of (our company's name) misses you!" goes the SMS of a colleague of mine after I told her I'm on sick leave for the day. Yeah right. I can just imagine the number of unread mail in my inbox right now. Not a pretty sight I bet.

I've been dozing off for the most of the day. Legs elevated via pillows since I want to stretch and twist my back (or is it the spine?) so badly. Woke up this morning feeling worse than I did on Monday. Which probably means I really should've stayed home back then instead of further aggravating my immune system's weakness by commuting to work and getting stress in an airconditioned workplace. Today is an "I told you so moment" in terms of listening to my body. So I called up our healthline to inform them I'm going to be out sick (they'll be the one to inform the bosses), sent SMS to my managers, and then off to unkempt patient mode. Couldn't haul myself out of bed to take a bath until the afternoon when I really felt sticky all over (shut off the AC while sleeping, that's why).

The thing when I'm this weak is that neither watching TV or surfing the net is comforting. I prefer silence. The kind where you can really sense and be conscious of, your own breathing, of your own heartbeat, of your own aching muscles. Got some of that today. While I may not be Wolverine-like in my self-healing abilities, here's hoping I get enough strength to have another go at office work tomorrow.

Office Sicko

2015-10-05T21:48:00.001+08:00

I came to work today even though I have a runny nose, aching limbs, and occasional cough. Had to arm myself with cough syrup (yes, had to use measuring cup everytime) and antihistamine to get me through the day with one of my managers advising me to not spread the virus around (then she apologized for thinking about that before wishing me a speedy recovery heh heh). So I spent the day sounding miserably in conference calls that everyone on the other end of the line had to call out how sick I sound. Lucky all were internal reviews and no client calls today. Even one of the bosses who saw me commented on how pale I looked. Another bummer is that I always need to keep in mind not to be in so close contact with people so I don't spread the virus. So this means less contact also with her. Not even sure she knows I'm this sick. Should I tell her and get some pity messages as a consolation for having this colds? Nah. She'll catch on eventually. Especially if I'm still not colds-free and cough-free by same time next week.