tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27383577577495746942024-03-05T13:11:42.041+00:00bloody relationsWhere there's a relative there's a bloody good argument to be had. This blog is about UK family law.jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.comBlogger157125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-21898205955680116362016-02-14T21:45:00.001+00:002016-02-14T21:45:34.668+00:00What is a drink problem?There is a facetious answer to the question - what is a drink problem. Empty glass is the problem - another drink the solution. Or drink is the solution - now what was the problem again? In care cases, however, the usual joking between mates will not do.<br /><br />I am talking about this because I seem to have had a run of cases involving alcohol misuse in which several essential questions have been debated.<br /><br />* at what point does one person's drinking become such a problem that the state is justified in interfering?<br /><br />* what is the definition of an alcoholic?<br /><br />* what is the definition of alcohol dependence?<br /><br />* is the only solution to an alcohol issue abstinence?<br /><br />* can controlled drinking ever work?<br /><br />* how many chances / how long a timescale is it reasonable to allow someone with an alcohol issue to have before the court should make arrangements for a child to be placed outside the family?<br /><br />I have found myself over the years giving clients the same advice - first on a general level:<br /><br />* an alcoholic is not just defined by - someone who starts drinking first thing in the morning and cannot function during a normal day without a drink, that person who drinks more than you and at all hours of the day or who drinks spirits whereas you only drink wine or beer, or the person who drinks alone whereas you only drink in company, or someone who drinks out of a paper bag on a park bench or has lost their driving licence (you just don't drive so you don't drive over the limit) or lost their job.<br /><br />* you could only drink a bit too much once a year but if every time you do so you kill someone you have a serious alcohol misuse issue. We rarely know what we are like for other people when we have been drinking. Binge drinking is not necessarily a separate issue from alcoholism. Very few of your friends are going to tell you just how awful you are when you have been drinking, particularly if your are that friend that they use as an excuse to hide behind ie I am not an alcoholic because X drinks more than me. Many people who are alcohlics or have drink problesm are highly successful in certain areas of their lives. <br /><br />* if you don't have a problem and could give up any time then when care proceedings are issued that is a good time to give up - you may not be someone who can never drink again but abstinence is the best way of avoiding all doubt on the issue - if you can take it or leave it then leave it<br /><br />* don't kid yourself that the kids don't know you drink just because you think you only get drunk once they have gone to bed<br /><br />* don't kid yourself that just because you aren't falling down drunk when you meet people or pick the children up from school no-one will notice. Alcohol smells. People can tell from you slurring your words or your level of excitability or the way that you cannot be contacted whenever you are off having a little drink.<br /><br />* Just because the alcohol advisory service / Psychiatrist you are seeing does not think your physical dependence on alcohol means that the only solution is lifelong abstinence does not mean that you should not just stop. The job of the alcohol support service is to support you no matter what and they will not want to put you off by insisting on abstinence. But your children may need you to stop, your partner may need you to, the professionals may need you to, in order to rebuild confidence. And if it has taken you to a certain low level in life maybe abstinence is something which will be good for you too.<br /><br />* once drink is raised as an issue you should know that if you say you drink 2 bottles of wine a week or a day everyone will assume that means at least 4 & add one for good measure<br /><br />* Denial is not a river in Egypt<br /><br />Here is one test that is applied by Psychiatrists and other substance misuse specialists to decide if you have a problem at the alcoholic level:<br /><br />Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking?<br />Have people ever annoyed you by criticising your level of drinking?<br />Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?<br />Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover?<br /><br />If you answer yes to any two of these questions it is considered to be clinically significant & you have a drink problem. I am sure many people who have ever had a drink will be tempted to answer yes to some of the above questions but if you know that these are regular issues for you and you have lost your driving licence or been convicted of failing to provide a specimen or lost a job or a relationshp or friends or care proceedings have started my main advice is don'r bury your head in the sand. There are a huge range of sources of support - see other posts on this blog with the tag 'alcohol' or 'addiction'.jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-64751546066708315022016-02-14T21:43:00.002+00:002016-02-14T21:43:09.908+00:00AA: Alcoholics AnonymousMany of my clients who have drink problems refuse to go to the obvious place for help: <a href="http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/" target="new"> Alcoholics Anonymous </a>. Over the years I have been given numerous different reasons and I thought I would do my best to debunk a few of the myths about AA.<br />
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A common objection to AA is to say - I am not an alcoholic. AA itself acknowledges that there is no definition of 'alcoholic' but they suggest it may mean something like 'a physical compulsion coupled with a mental obsession'. But no one in AA will tell you that you are an alcoholic - only you can decide that for yourselves.<br />
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<a href="http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/health_advice/facts/alcoholism.htm" target="new"> Net doctor </a> equates alcohol dependence with alcoholism and says<br />
<br />
"In alcohol dependence a number of features come together in the behaviour of the person affected.<br />
* Drinking begins to take priority over other activities. It becomes a compulsion. <br />
* Tolerance develops, so it takes more alcohol to produce drunkenness. <br />
* Withdrawal symptoms such as anxiety and tremor develop after a short period without a drink, and are reduced by taking more alcohol.<br />
<br />
Many addiction specialists, however, draw a distinction between alcoholism and alcohol dependence. <br />
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"Alcohol dependence, as described in the DSM-IV, is a psychiatric diagnosis describing a physical dependence on alcohol. For a person to meet criteria for Alcohol Dependence (303.90) within the criteria listed in the DSM-IV, they must meet 3 of a total 7 possible criteria within a 12 month period. The first 2 criteria are related to physiological dependence: tolerance and withdrawal. The 3rd and 4th criteria establish a pattern of losing control of drinking by breaking drinking rules or failing at attempts to quit or cut back. The 5th and 6th criteria are indicative of a progression of addiction as more and more time is spent on drinking and lifestyle changes result. The seventh criteria for Alcohol Dependence is met when a person continues to drink despite being aware that their drinking is causing or excacerbating some psychological or physiological problem(s). It is important to note that because only 3 criteria of 7 are required in order to be diagnosed with Alcohol Dependence, not all meet the same criteria and therefore not all have the same symptoms and problems related to drinking. Not everyone with Alcohol Dependence, therefore, experiences physiological dependence. Alcohol Dependence is differentiated from alcohol abuse by the presence of symptoms such as tolerance and withdrawal. Both alcohol dependence and alcohol abuse are sometimes referred to by the less specific term alcoholism. However, many definitions of alcoholism exist, and only some are compatible with alcohol abuse." (from <a href-="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcohol_dependence" href="" target="new"> Wikipedia)</a>.<br />
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This explains why an addiction specialist may say that it is not necessary or essential for a person with an alcohol problem which does not meet the criteria for alcohol dependence to have a goal of abstinence. <br />
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Only you can decide whether your lack of control over drinking is one which means that you could be described as an aloholic and ought to have abstinence as a goal short-term or long-term. The only thing AA requires is that have a desire to stop drinking <em>one day at a time</em>.<br />
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To help you decide on the level of your own problem there are two particularly good leaflets on the AA website.<br />
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* <a href="http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/About-AA/Newcomers/Starter-Pack" target="new"> the AA newcomer pack </a><br />
<br />
* <a href="http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/download/1/PDFs/Who%20me.pdf" target="new"> Who Me? </a><br />
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I have posted before about some of the reasons why people resist accepting the description alcoholic - I don't drink on my own, I don't drink spirits, I don't drink every day, I don't drink as much as X, I hold down a job, I don't suffer from the DTs, I don't live on a park bench. All these can be true and you might still be an alcoholic. People often think of AA as full of people for whom all those things are true and as an unglamorous place to hang out. Actually many meetings are full of people who have spent years telling themselves all those things but have finally come to realise that they cannot win the battle with alcohol. I recommend that anyone interested in AA calls the helpline, gets some individual support from a current attender, goes to several different meetings (each meeting group runs its own show and has a different feel and type of membership - lunchtime and weekend meetings are likely to be full of high functioning job-holding people) until you find one you are comfortable with. Clients often also say that they are put off by the idea of a group meeting. Well, I say, suck it and see. You don't have to say a word until you are ready. Just listen if you want. Stay for tea and an informal chat afterwards and see if you find people you click with.<br />
<br />
I don't say just do it for this reason but if you are in care proceedings and you want to show people you are serious, AA is the quickest way to do it. Although there is a limit to their willingness to be involved in court cases (it is an anonymous organisation after all) they will often write letters confirming that someone has been attending regularly and offer to come to court with you to offer support. AA attenders will also be there to offer support long after the local Drug & Alcohol service has shut for the night and over the weekends when social workers are not available.<br />
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The leaflets that I have linked to and other materials on the website also deal with a number of the other issues people say they have with AA eg the God thing (it's not allied to any religion and you can interpret your higher power as whatever works for you), the lack of time to attend meetings (funny how there was always time to drink) etc. Examine each of your objections critically and make sure they are not just excuses. <br />
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That said, AA is not the only way and I will be posting about other ideas in later posts.jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-41066581067852151672016-02-14T21:37:00.000+00:002016-02-14T21:37:15.257+00:00Alcohol and Addiction Support & Treatment<a href="http://www.alcoholconcern.org.uk/" target="new"> Alcohol Concern </a> is the national agency on alcohol abuse. Their website publishes a number of leaflets and fact sheets and there is a directory of all local drug & alcohol services in the UK searchable by area. The directory also lists residential support providers. Some of the providers in the list are private organisations as opposed to those supported by public funding.<br />
<br />
Of particular interest to people with alcohol involved in care proceedings are the increasingly rare residentil units which will accept parents and children.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.phoenix-futures.org.uk/national-specialist-family-service" target="new">Phoenix Futures </a> runs a unit in Sheffield - you do not have to be drug / alcohol free on admission as they also provide detox. They will accept children up to 10 years' old. You can refer yourself to their service as well as getting referred through your GP, social services or other drug / alcohol support services. You are likely to need help from your local heath service to get funding organised for this type of placement which can take a long time to organise.<br />
<br />
Plymouth based <a href="http://www.treviproject.org/" target="new">Trevi House</a> is a rehab facility open to women with drug / alcohol dependency with one or two children and they admit pregnant women. It does not appear to be limited to those local to Plymouth and self-referrals are possible (though funding is required).<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.stmichaelsfellowship.org.uk/content/2137/Residential-Assessment" target="new">St Michael's Fellowship </a> also offers a residential service which will support and assess those who are drug or alcohol free and will accept children. The website information suggests that the parent is expected to have engaged with a specialist agency before entering the unit and there is contact information to find out more. Generally referrals have to be made or supported by social services.
<br />
<br />
You should be aware that there are often some restrictions on who these sorts of project will accept - for example, they may not accept mother with a mental health problem other than / as well as alcohol or drug issues, or people with convictions for offences against children or with convictions for arson etc. Residential facilities are not generally available for couples and children. As far as I can see all the facilities require that abstinence from alcohol is a goal and, of course, you are not allowed to drink or use drugs whilst in the unit although there are usually detox services offered for those who cannot stop using straight away. Generally, parents will not be able to have their children with them for any detox part of the programme.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.addaction.org.uk/" target="new">Addaction </a> is the largest UK drug / alcohol charity and also has a good website and a directory of UK service providers.jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-20600776567964992352016-02-14T18:33:00.000+00:002016-02-14T18:33:07.473+00:00Advocacy in Family Law: Dustin Hoffman style<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/JuR1bTtgI_Y" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Does a mother make a better parent? jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-24079021778434325002016-02-14T18:14:00.001+00:002016-02-14T18:14:49.193+00:00Inflatable you ..<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/e6raVzrbqrM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Tim Minchin finds an alternative true love: he couldn't afford the deluxe modeljacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-46819180761078349562015-08-20T23:39:00.000+01:002015-08-20T23:40:18.361+01:00Family Law Webworld - a list of family law links by topicI have now created another blog just for links to topics of interest to families involved in court cases and family lawyers.
<a href="http://familylawwebworld.blogspot.co.uk/">Family Law Webworld</a>
If you have any suggestions for sites to be included, just let me know.
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDELu54Tv_6Un07HCVRnhpgc3daat83mMAuCEst_-ejeu26Spm5xGYELSYHUvHlHHOkDqkfeiDoQt9bsMa4h1OflDyz5KGii4NlZQ7Hjr5fMRyu-pNSVMLQ4xvM4FZScJznSiMA0TBN7-C/s1600/purple.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDELu54Tv_6Un07HCVRnhpgc3daat83mMAuCEst_-ejeu26Spm5xGYELSYHUvHlHHOkDqkfeiDoQt9bsMa4h1OflDyz5KGii4NlZQ7Hjr5fMRyu-pNSVMLQ4xvM4FZScJznSiMA0TBN7-C/s200/purple.png" /></a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-14501792454056360642015-08-20T22:49:00.001+01:002015-08-20T22:49:16.791+01:00There's two sides to every story<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNJ_JHbQ3824GwGZZ88TmkKdcrASOyqmLaoDSC2iO3WGLzSuqA_C3ubnj_rEsS00T8bqjImRzBOQO-zW-mlj6sV2v7m4liwf9AmNNhhezyGqkdirUwLm2ySWTP7HExe0xCIK0_k9pp0mjr/s1600/divorce+lawyer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNJ_JHbQ3824GwGZZ88TmkKdcrASOyqmLaoDSC2iO3WGLzSuqA_C3ubnj_rEsS00T8bqjImRzBOQO-zW-mlj6sV2v7m4liwf9AmNNhhezyGqkdirUwLm2ySWTP7HExe0xCIK0_k9pp0mjr/s320/divorce+lawyer.jpg" /></a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-51560321269634538462015-04-30T14:42:00.002+01:002016-02-14T17:55:40.436+00:00History repeats itself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHVzIWXQJAz6vduMIoumFf8CuPqNqG6T4Cg0l7Zjfiqqn-PMpNoCsKwkVxanDkGoQ_ciGCoIw9XiSjzr9ACOcx6xlE0Mxm5o4dCfaS7PzwulP7SX9SgDL-iFt7Si8B_thv4G-MDF-ag01z/s1600/good-luck-divorce-remarry-same-person-divorce-ecards-someecards.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHVzIWXQJAz6vduMIoumFf8CuPqNqG6T4Cg0l7Zjfiqqn-PMpNoCsKwkVxanDkGoQ_ciGCoIw9XiSjzr9ACOcx6xlE0Mxm5o4dCfaS7PzwulP7SX9SgDL-iFt7Si8B_thv4G-MDF-ag01z/s320/good-luck-divorce-remarry-same-person-divorce-ecards-someecards.png" /></a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-61747047613633709382014-02-02T09:00:00.000+00:002014-02-02T09:00:01.016+00:00A Philosophy of Family Law Part VIn the heat of the moment eg with the late back from contact situation - it is very tempting just to get angry - the other person is wrong - they broke the agreement to bring the child back at 5 so you are entitled to be angry. But does it make a difference being angry? It usually just shuts the conversation down altogether and gets in the way of conversations about anything else. Of course, do not have these conversations in front of the children. Make an arrangement to speak on the phone or email or something.
Remember also that the person who has broken the agreement will be on the defensive - which can take many forms. I know myself well enough to know that if I start to get angry it is more often than not because I have done something wrong so I start to construct a story to excuse myself (eg late for train, don't have time to buy ticket, know that I may have to pay a fine, start to get angry about all the times the trains are late but they never offer any money back and pick on people like me who are perfectly willing to pay the fare just did not quite have time to get it organised - woe betide the inspector who comes across me at this point).
Language is key. So try to start the conversation with an acknowledgement of something positive: thanks, I've had a lovely peaceful afternoon, thanks for taking the children to do X - they've been wanting to do that for a while. The children love spending time with you, I know.
Have you told them that the behaviour bothers you? Calmly, so that they can hear you? EG I've noticed that this is the third time in a row you have brought the children back later than we agreed.
It may be that 10-15 minutes from their perspective seems trivial and they are just assuming because you have not raised it before that you are okay with it. They may not even have noticed that they are late.
Have you asked them for an explanation or why something has happened from their perspective?
Is there something about getting back here on Sunday for 5pm that is a problem?
eg train times, activity times
Have you told them why it upsets you?
It may sound silly but it makes me worry that you won't bring them back or that something has happened to you all. Or - I like to take them to church on Sunday and to get there we need to leave the house by 5.30 at the latest. Or - I need to make sure they have done their reading practice before they have tea and go to bed.
What would make a difference?
Extend the contact time? If the exact return time is not that much of an issue, it may be more about communicating as to arrival times by text? Make an effort to get them back at the agreed time if this is really important. Do the reading practice during contact?
If the boot is on the other foot ie you are the parent returning the children late:
A simple apology may go a long way. S/he may be thinking you don’t care. If you start off straight away acknowledging you are in the wrong – sorry I know I should have got them back by 5 but the traffic was terrible / trains were late etc. I really appreciate spending time with them and want to make this work.
The return time thing is often a problem for me because ….
And then I get stressed because I am worried about what you will be thinking.
I always try to get back at the agreed time but things do sometimes go wrong.
If they do, what would help you?
You have then acknowledged that you have broken the agreement, made plain that you did not do it for an ulterior motive and opened the door for a constructive conversation.
jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-85249019273381028032014-02-01T09:00:00.000+00:002014-02-01T09:00:00.776+00:00A Philosophy of Family Law Part IVAsk yourself some questions:
What is it that is not working in this situation?
What am I always complaining about?
What can I be responsible for?
How does the situation occur for the other person / people? How do they see it?
What's missing for me or them in the situation or conversation that it would really make a difference if it were there?
Very often what's going on for the other person is not what you might have assumed. We human beings often assume that everything in an interaction is something to do with them: you are angry, I must have done something wrong or at least they think I have. Or we go to the other extreme: you are always angry - it can't have anything to do with me - it must be your fault.
It is also important to look yourself squarely in the mirror and work out your own devious ways of coming out on top or your own motivations – and we all have many. Maybe you are secretly hoping your other half will just disappear off the face of the earth: the more difficult you are about contact, the more likely they are to give up the fight, thereby 'proving' that you were right about them all along ie they were not committed and don't deserve the relationship with the child. For myself, it was waiting to see if he was committed before I would commit. Actually, I was not ready to commit. I wanted him to do so before I did, so there was no risk to me.
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPauYMixWa4DDmkiyb-TJkF11EcaxkfnVIVasi7rgDfxhBThmihbR-ujYxXsIQkD8W9UbRWMVLYz4QZ25wE4avCbUw9bFxxGkyVL4U_7cK6b8jU2oGR9d5wuu8Z_xhDfnFZvTwnw_2YwwL/s1600/IMG_0170.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPauYMixWa4DDmkiyb-TJkF11EcaxkfnVIVasi7rgDfxhBThmihbR-ujYxXsIQkD8W9UbRWMVLYz4QZ25wE4avCbUw9bFxxGkyVL4U_7cK6b8jU2oGR9d5wuu8Z_xhDfnFZvTwnw_2YwwL/s320/IMG_0170.JPG" /></a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-60748985748287508282014-01-31T09:00:00.000+00:002014-01-31T09:00:01.674+00:00A Philosophy of Family Law Part IIIFirst listen to yourself as you have conversations with your friends and work colleagues about life in generally and particularly listen for the times when you use the words always or never or similarly general words. Or when you start talking about your rights in the situation? When do you use these expressions? Identify the scripts which run your life: all men are ...., people let you down, everyone is out for themselves, nothing I do is ever good enough.
Secondly listen out for how you talk to others - and yourself - about the arguments you tend to have with the other parent. He's always late bringing the children back, she never tells me what's going on at school, s/he waits till the last minute & changes the contact arrangements, s/he has to have the last word and be in control.
Particularly listen to yourself and ask others to listen to you when your guard is down, for example, when you are having a chinwag with a mate over a beer or a glass of wine or in the middle of a sobbing meltdown.
Also look at what you know you delete from the account(s). What you don’t say to yourself or the other party or about them? That you once had a good relationship? That they are a good father or mother in some ways? That they love the children? That they are better than you at allowing the child to take some risks? That they are better at protecting the child from risk / acknowledging what the risks are?
Try to uncover for yourself what it is that pushes your buttons, how it makes you feel and what it triggers from the past. Does it remind you of the way you were treated by your parents, your teachers, your school peers, a previous boss, another partner or even this partner in the past? It may be this baggage which has you reacting in a situation and the person you are dealing with is copping it for all these past slights whether real or imagined. What decision did you make about yourself or the way the world worked when you were not picked for the netball team or did not get the good grade even when you worked hard or got caught doing something wrong and were punished?
He brings the children back late - he has no respect for me, he doesn’t think I am a good mother, I am terrified he will never bring them back.
She doesn't tell me about school – I never get a father’s day card, she just wants me out of their lives, that's why she left me in the first place.
Notice how easy it can be to go from a plain fact - the what happened - the children are brought back late from contact - to an opinion about what this means - he is going to run away with the children, or he does not care about me - the story about what happened. Human beings collapse the two together all the time.
jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-71193900664719421982014-01-30T09:00:00.000+00:002014-01-30T09:00:01.009+00:00A Philosophy of Family Law Part IICan you think of a time when you just knew exactly what the other person in a conversation was going to say? No? Not even your mother when you phone after a long gap in contact? Or how they were going to react? No? Not even your partner when you want to go to visit that relative you know they don’t like? Or you want to negotiate some time to watch your favourite football team? Or your teenage daughter when you ask her to do her homework or tidy up her bedroom before you agree to her going to that party? My point is that there are situations where we have already written the script of how the situation is going to go. Another way of accessing examples which may be meaningful to you is to think about the times when you are tempted to say that someone ‘always’ or ‘never’ does something or ‘never’ understands you or ‘always’ takes things the wrong way.
A typical example in a family law dispute is the money / contact dichotomy. The parent with whom the child lives most of the time wants & needs some money. The other parent wants to see the child. The lack of money on offer ends up with a meaning far above the money itself. It means that the other parent is not responsible. The other parent does not care. The other parent does not deserve a relationship with the child. The lack of contact ends up meaning that the relationship between parent and child is not acknowledged. (Even if they cannot find a job, and even if they did any money they paid over would simply come off the resident parent’s benefits so that no one would be better off). The other parent thinks that the resident parent wants to airbrush the other one out of the equation. They will only spend the money on things other than the children (when things other than the children need to be paid for to keep the show on the road such as the car and why should all one person’s money go on the children and not on something for themselves). They would not be in this position in the first place if they had kept to their marriage vows. I'm treated like an unpaid babysitter anyway and now they want me to pay for the privilege of seeing my child which is my right.
The bad news is that this tendency to maintain that we are right and other people are wrong never entirely goes away. But with practice you can spot it happening before you open your mouth and react. You have a choice: you can be right or you can make a difference. If you say the same old things you'll have the same old life. Try saying something different - and then - and this is key - listen to the answer you get rather than the one you predict you will get.
jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-11390294836852811462014-01-29T21:04:00.001+00:002014-01-29T21:04:59.864+00:00A Philosophy of Family Law Part II am posting a short series of posts about a philosophy of family law which I hope will provide food for thought for those of you who are locked in a family law battle and can't see a way out. Once they are posted I will put them altogether in one article and link to it.
I am going to ask you to read what I will say without any of your usual running commentary - turn off the little voice in your head that tells you what to think - the one that is right now saying - what little voice? The one that says that nothing that anyone can say will make a difference to my situation because the other parent is just being completely unreasonable and I can't reach them. Listen out for anything I might say that you can relate to - even if it's not exactly applicable to your life or situation. I am not saying that I am right or that what follows is true: but please just have a look and see if any of it might be helpful. I am trying to write something general. It may not apply exactly. You may have a child as a result of a one night stand. You may have a child having been happily married but this is no longer the case. Your partner may have died but you are still dealing with their extended family. You may have suffered terribly at the hands of your ex. Your situation is your own unique one – just see if something lands with you. But do consider carefully anything you are tempted to dismiss out of hand – I ask you to consider that the more it goes against the grain, the more there may be for you to see about yourself.
As a barrister I obviously spend a lot of my time around parents and professionals who are not able to reach agreement about matters to do with their children. Much as I love my job, and much as sometimes the forensic process can get to the truth or an approximation of it, most people who go through court cases about children come out dissatisfied and upset and no further along the road to reaching any kind of understanding or accommodation with the other parent or professionals. The trouble with court cases is that people have to adopt a position in which they are right and the other person is wrong. Unfortunately this accords only too well with our natural desire to look good & be right. In the run up to the court hearing people also act on an equally natural tendency to surround themselves with other people who will bolster this view of themselves so that it comes as an even worse shock when they are confronted with the judgment and opinion of others which may go in a different direction. Ironically, this often happens to those on each side of the argument, with the Judge ending up being critical of the behavior of both parents.
Of course, there are many other ways of trying to reach an understanding through mediation or family therapy etc but I am not convinced that there is time in the publicly funded mediation process always to get to the bottom of the different world views and family therapy is a rare and expensive commodity.
When I started out in family law I would often represent people in cases where there were allegations of domestic violence or bad behavior around contact or separation and I would read with open-mouthed amazement a description of an incident from two different perspectives which were seemingly irreconcilable. I tended to assume that it was as simple as one person was telling the truth and the other was not. Very occasionally it is as simple as that, but this is rare. And even when domestic violence – or some other black and white bad behavior has taken place - this does not mean that the victim’s perception of everything else about the relationship is wholly accurate. It also does not make forgiveness impossible, nor change on the part of the wrongdoer; although, it may, of course, make it take a great deal of work on the part of the wrongdoer. And do not get me wrong – violence towards another human being is never justified.
Eventually, for my own reasons, I went on a personal development course which helped me understand how I behave and think, which in turn helps me to understand the diametrically opposite positions people can adopt in litigation. Most people are aware on an intellectual level that other people see things through a filter and even that they themselves do it but we are very rarely aware of how exactly we do it ourselves. I suddenly saw that I had adopted a way of looking at the world in which all men were frankly b******. I had plenty of evidence of this in the way my father had behaved (in my head, at least), the way men had behaved towards me in relationships, the evidence all around me of men using violence towards women. I don’t mean to suggest that none of this is accurate. But I listened to someone saying that she knew her partner did not want to talk to her because he started unpacking the dishwasher. I was nodding in agreement. My then boyfriend (now husband) used to spend hours on the computer late at night which obviously meant he did not want to talk to me. A question was asked: had the dishwasher cut out his tongue? And all the dominoes fell down in my head. The woman had never said to her partner that she wanted a conversation. She just expected him to know because it was on her mind. It was perfectly possible to have a conversation at the same time as unpacking the dishwasher. I, like her, was capable of making the smallest of actions part of my evidential foundation for writing off half the human population. I could see that I was so resigned to the way I thought the world was I had given up on trying to expect anything else.
Of course, none of you do that, do you?
To be continued
jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-16121886154797608302013-12-25T07:00:00.000+00:002013-12-25T07:00:00.048+00:00Post secret christmas<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMgIGp3QLiEpl-RzVXdiPXA9Drrco52ZUcrDmCGOAS8LuHzKl440JcQuRDu08QvCAOjZU4_oPmG0VVdQPAj9hSJ3mQCxUTSgD8EJ3GZm2uM5dCtcS3BiaCRbFPJPQcYplIEjFjd9xlK44H/s1600-h/shampoo.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 219px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMgIGp3QLiEpl-RzVXdiPXA9Drrco52ZUcrDmCGOAS8LuHzKl440JcQuRDu08QvCAOjZU4_oPmG0VVdQPAj9hSJ3mQCxUTSgD8EJ3GZm2uM5dCtcS3BiaCRbFPJPQcYplIEjFjd9xlK44H/s320/shampoo.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5297947204839278050" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />From <a href="http://postsecret.blogspot.com/" target="new"> Post Secret </a>.jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-5704981380111151772013-12-15T15:00:00.000+00:002013-12-15T15:00:00.673+00:00A crashing bore<p> </p>
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<p> </p><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small; clear: both;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="Posted with Blogsy" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />Posted with Blogsy</a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-11846813865390748652013-12-14T15:00:00.000+00:002013-12-14T15:00:00.872+00:00Closer? (it's a musical reference)<p> </p>
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<p> </p><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small; clear: both;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="Posted with Blogsy" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />Posted with Blogsy</a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-25952328502747310062013-12-13T15:00:00.000+00:002013-12-13T15:00:00.371+00:00Murder is cheaper too<p> </p>
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<p> </p><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small; clear: both;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="Posted with Blogsy" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />Posted with Blogsy</a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-15030247485985220372013-12-12T15:00:00.000+00:002013-12-12T15:00:00.125+00:00Till death us do part<p> </p>
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<p> </p><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small; clear: both;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="Posted with Blogsy" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />Posted with Blogsy</a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-48561139961118875562013-12-11T15:00:00.000+00:002013-12-11T15:00:02.384+00:00Not mediation?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: none;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiilJIwvWiKTzmUVZgGeHO3QZtNoFylvAiBQEd6xYlQK75RCl_Z5aM5iXkR2JepHogyr5hNXq6h5c1dMu8dfWgUjSOznlrMG-g9pMN8hgiUzTaprr9VtRvXmeFvDbhc-MmVeaETgBQmAWws/s350/Photo%25252022%252520Nov%2525202013%25252017%25253A34.jpg" target="_blank" style=""><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiilJIwvWiKTzmUVZgGeHO3QZtNoFylvAiBQEd6xYlQK75RCl_Z5aM5iXkR2JepHogyr5hNXq6h5c1dMu8dfWgUjSOznlrMG-g9pMN8hgiUzTaprr9VtRvXmeFvDbhc-MmVeaETgBQmAWws/s350/Photo%25252022%252520Nov%2525202013%25252017%25253A34.jpg" id="blogsy-1386619492254.6912" class="alignnone" width="300" height="350" alt=""></a></div>
<p> </p><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small; clear: both;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="Posted with Blogsy" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />Posted with Blogsy</a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-16940073208532308172013-12-10T15:00:00.000+00:002013-12-10T15:00:01.546+00:00Leavings off the table?<p> </p>
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<p> </p><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small; clear: both;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="Posted with Blogsy" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />Posted with Blogsy</a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-89153318215354881072013-12-08T16:05:00.000+00:002013-12-08T16:05:00.230+00:00Roses are red ....<p> </p>
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<p> </p><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small; clear: both;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="Posted with Blogsy" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />Posted with Blogsy</a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-41886261275904618182013-12-07T16:04:00.000+00:002013-12-07T16:04:00.273+00:00And you can have the broken record player<p> </p>
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<p> </p><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small; clear: both;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="Posted with Blogsy" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />Posted with Blogsy</a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-55940631008610674072013-12-06T17:01:00.000+00:002013-12-06T17:01:00.062+00:00The Parenting Handbook<p> </p>
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<p> </p><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small; clear: both;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="Posted with Blogsy" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />Posted with Blogsy</a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-50498094490788975212013-12-05T15:59:00.000+00:002013-12-05T15:59:00.183+00:00A little misunderstanding<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin8_qIRqARNnMjYMd52-5DRW0KVnvyed2-Onox1T6-Pz6jzYzK6EpnPs161eaiYuqP95eMDxN33qrCGjySpu2hPr30TKIt5dteUeCz1RpAjf8Z8h8j_MK9PL9FvhIksAtC-qvpp2Bhmh0f/s192/Photo%25252021%252520Dec%2525202012%25252023%25253A13.jpg" target="_blank" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin8_qIRqARNnMjYMd52-5DRW0KVnvyed2-Onox1T6-Pz6jzYzK6EpnPs161eaiYuqP95eMDxN33qrCGjySpu2hPr30TKIt5dteUeCz1RpAjf8Z8h8j_MK9PL9FvhIksAtC-qvpp2Bhmh0f/s192/Photo%25252021%252520Dec%2525202012%25252023%25253A13.jpg" id="blogsy-1385135976492.446" class="aligncenter" width="192" height="173" alt=""></a></div>
<p> </p><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small; clear: both;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="Posted with Blogsy" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />Posted with Blogsy</a></div>jacquighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13874002483004455281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2738357757749574694.post-78315709575494541592013-12-04T15:51:00.000+00:002013-12-04T15:51:00.449+00:00If the cat fits<p> </p>
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