Herm's Perm: Overpaid to Underperform

New Blog

2011-06-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

If anyone reads this then great. This is just a heads up at what I'm doing now. I've started a parody site that will be making ridiculous posts that somewhat mirrors what Grantland is doing, but taking that pretentiousness, and flipping it on them. It's a literary tool I think. Or something. Anyways, if you liked this blog at any time, come join me on Scholarshipgrove.

And for your viewing pleasure. (click for fun)

Well Then.

2011-04-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

HIGH FIVE. I'M GOING TO THE IOWA ENERGY

It's cool that Josh Selby has decided to leave. And I have no problem with his decision at all. He's clearly got the statistics to back up such a move. He played 26 games. TWENTY-SIX. That's like playing TWO high school seasons. So he got plenty of game time.

Then he averaged 7.9 points a game. Doesn't look that good, but consider this. He didn't have his headband. So, under the law of "Apparel Depreciation" he should have dropped his scoring average by 90%. So really, only dropping 60% isn't that bad. THE STATISTICS ARE THERE GUYS.

The guy shot 37% from the field. Like only 400 other players did that this year. He even shot a SCORCHING 36% from three. That puts him in the top 80th percentile among guards. THE NUMBERS ARE SO INCORRIGIBLE.

And, lets not forget how good he was at being on the court. He only missed TWELVE games. You know who missed more games? Kyrie Irving and Robbie Hummel. And guess what they are doing right now? ONE IS GOING TO THE NBA AND THE OTHER IS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL. That's enough evidence right there for Josh to leave. IT'S CALLED PRECEDENT YO.

And let us not forget how he told us of his decision. Through his PR savvy, he implemented his twitter account to tell everyone in one quick motion. That way there is no confusion. No need to set up a press conference or tell Bill Self. Just hit it (the iphone buttons) and quit it. That's what a true athlete does.

So good luck on your adventures in the NBA. Surely you will be a lottery pick, and if my predictions are correct, you should be the next Von Wafer.

Klay Thompson Ridin' Dirty

2011-03-04T14:30:00.000-08:00

Two guys sitting in a GMC Envoy outside dorms.

Klay Thompson - UGH. Crazy game tonight huh Faisal.

Faisal Aden - What?

Thompson - I said, 'crazy game last night'

Aden - Yeah. (reaches in pocket)

Thompson - What are you getting ou–

Aden - Weed.

Thompson - WHAT?!!?! Dude, do you know what my parents would do if I brought their car back with the smell of weed in i–

Aden - Chill bro. I got this Wiz Khalifa CD. Put it in the player. (pulls out rolling papers)

Thompson - NO YOU CAN'T SMO– Hold on. I don't like arab music.

Aden - (licks paper) Not arab. (rolls paper)

Thompson - Seriously Faisal. Stop making that weed.

Aden - (puts cd in) Just chill dude. I got this.

Thompson - I don't doubt that you d–

Aden - ARE YOU RACIST MUTHA FUCKA?

Thompson - Wha–

Aden - JUST CUZ I'M BLACK, YOU ASSUUUUMMMME THAT I KNOW HOW TO SMOKE WEED?!?!

Thompson - Well... you did just roll a joint in like 4 sec–

Aden - START THE FUCKING CAR KLAY. BEFORE I LIGHT THIS JOINT AND PUT IT OUT ON YOUR NECK.

Thompson - Fine. (starts car) So where are we going?

Aden - To Mount Fiji (lights joint)

Thompson - How 'bout a place in legitimate driving distance.

Aden - In that case (takes hit and holds) Mt. St. Hellens (lets hit go) PFTHEHAHEHEHE!

Thompson - No seriously. Where.

Aden - Juss to mah house (takes hit) Oh I luv this joint. (turns up song.)

Thompson - Alright.

(gets to house)

Aden - Alright. I'm out.

Thompson - Alright. Don't forget your CD.

Aden - Aw shit. yeah. Thanks.

Thompson - Yeah. No problem.

(Aden closes door)

FUCKING ASSHOLE. Where the fuck is my fabreze? Oh here it is. What? Dammit Aiden. left your fuckin wee–

(knock on window)

Thompson - SHIT.

(rolls down window)

Officer Gary - Did you know that your rear driver side brake light is – (nose crinkles) Sir have you been smoking marijuana?

Thompson - Uhh, no sir ossiffer.

Officer Gary - Step out of the car please.

Thompson - Uh, sure. I swear it is my friend's.

Officer Gary - You just said you didn't have anything.

Thompson - Ummm–

Officer Gary - I'm gonna do a quick search. (searches car) What is this?

Thompson - School project?

Officer Gary - Oh ok.

Thompson - Really?

Officer Gary - NOPE! You're gonna need to find a ride. Did you know that a ticket for Marijuana is a 400 dollar fine and six months diversion.

Thompson - No. It's really not mi–

Officer Gary - And it also will dissapoint your parents

Thompson -But it was my fien–

Officer Gary - And I'm sure it will keep you out the UCLA game.

Thompson - Wha?

(Officer Gary pulls out note pad with Bruins logo on it)

Thompson - Shit

Officer Gary - Yep (finishes ticket. Get's back in car) SEE YA KLAY!

Late night blogging: Bart Scott and MLK

2011-01-18T22:51:00.000-08:00

I had a dream, to make a video, involving Bart Scott's rant. I was successful. Go, 'Merica.

Gil Meche: Successful at Giving up

2011-01-18T14:15:00.000-08:00

The comfort zone is resting an arm in Arizona with other retirees

Today, Gil Meche hung up the last remnants of his shoulder blade, confirming the fact that the Royals will be using a 3 man rotation next year. This, of course, ends a career of pure mediocrity, that paid off to the tune of 55 million dollars over five years. What was the Royals return on that investment? An 84-83 record.

This reminds me of many others that gave up before they actually paid their dues to the world.

Kurt Cobain

I just went to mainstream, bro.

Nice job pussy. Maybe next time you consider helping your band mates. What the hell are they doing anymore? Probably working for Starbucks. This guy is a dick. He should have killed himself twice. Once for being depressed, and once for being a total dick and killing yourself.

Heath Ledger

"Oh hey guys! I'll just put out an Oscar performance and then kill myself. OK BAI." Go fuck yourself Heath. You masterfully did what no one else could do, which is make the Joker a believable character. Then, just to make sure everyone knew how for real you were in this character, you go crazy and die. You sir, are selfish.

John F. Kennedy

OH, YOU TOO SCARED TO FACE THE COLD WAR. Pussy. I know you have no soul, being that you are a ginger, but that doesn't mean you couldn't bless this Earth with your infidelity. You were supposed to pre-date Clinton as the first President to rail a bitch (publicly) who wasn't their wife in the office. Great job, at not living.

Adrian Peterson: Career Killer

2011-01-14T15:15:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. My new years resolution this year was to contributed consistently on the blog, but due to my chronic procrastination, have waited until the 14th of January to start. That's a good sign. Clearly my determination to get into the RED ZONE, will prevail and there will be posts aplenty. Also, the site has moved back to blogspot because college is expensive, even if it only costs 10 dollars a year for a service charge for a big boy website. Anyways, I'm rusty so don't make fun of me.

Adrian Peterson is one of my favorite players to step on the field in Minnesota at the running back position. He's tough, he's rough, and occasionally has a muff, but all things said, you tend to hope a bruiser could actually be a nice guy off the field. NAY. He is a man that sees that laws do not apply to him. He once doubled the speed limit, just to show his new car off to the Minneapolis police department. Now he's at it again.

Mazda, this is your new sponsor. ZOOM ZOOM MUH FUCKAH

Definition of "Durr"

If you remember, the Vikings played football this year about as well as Kevin James plays a deep/interesting/intelligent character. Of course I mean they played like shit. And this was no way entirely Adrian Peterson's fault, but after this recent news, maybe it was his doing.

According to reports (YAHOOO!) apparently Brad Childress isn't the only victim to be axed from his employer thanks to the moves by Adrian Peterson.

A couple of weeks ago, Adrian Peterson was out on the town, most likely cruising upwards of triple the speed limit, and had an urge. An urge to release urine upon a McDonalds bathroom. This of course is quite common for most men in the Minnesota area, because it's where they spend 70% of their day, so comfort with the McD's B-room is not surprising.

What is surprising is that at 3 a.m., someone would let a strange black guy in their place of business. This of course is an offense that must be punished if you are the owner of such an establishment. God forbid you allow one person into the store after 3, but even though you don't allow the homeless guys in when they are looking for toilette to cuddle up with, I think you can make an exception for the leading rusher in the league, and the best running back in the league AND THE FACE OF MINNESOTA.

So Eff U McDonalds. If only you gave the reigns of your company to Grimace McGriddle, only then would have you have a company worth paying the stock price for.

College ROFLball: Week 4 football

2010-09-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

FASA - Week 4

2010-09-24T18:33:00.000-07:00

YOU JUST GOT OUT-CAUCASIAN'D

Another week another lack of posts. It's ok. You won't read it anyways. You just wanna get drunk. Fine. LETS GET TO IT.

6 - Touchdown

4 - Tackle in backfield

5 - Tipped pass

FRIDAY

IT'S TOO LATE ALREADY. JUST DRINK WHEN TCU COMPLETES A PASS.

SATURDAY

Best future draft bust EVER!!:)

Bowling Green vs Michigan - 12pm et - ESPN2

1 - Denard Robinson runs

2 - Denard completes a pass

3 - Kamar Jorden catches a pass

4 - "Heisman"

5 - "Terrelle Pryor"

700 - Michigan's dormant volcano explodes and kills Rich Rodriguez only.

Finish 2 beers for a Bowling Green win. Prepare for the good games

I rely on G. Gilbert. Suck on it.

UCLA vs Texas - 3:30 pm et - ABC or ESPN or ESPN2

1- "Texas running game"

2 - Garret Gilbert completes a pass

3 - Kevin Prince incomplete pass

4 - Johnathan Franklin TD run

5 - Garret Gilbert pick

500 - UCLA starts having intercourse with themselves and complete the phrase UCL-GAY.

Finish 2 more beers for a UCLGAY win. Better games are cumming.

IS THAT MICHAEL VICK?

Oregon State vs Boise State - 8 pm et - ABC

1 - Kellen Moore completion

2 - Jaquizz Rodgers run

3 - "BCS team"

4 - Kellen Moore TD

5 - "Heisman"

600 - Groups from Westboro Baptist come on the field and take Kellen Moore away because they think the name Kellen is gay.

Finish a beer if Oregon State wins. Then make your night like your house. OWN IT. OWN THAT SHIT. FUCK BEN BERNANKE.

SONG THAT WOULD TOP THE BCS RANKINGS FOR THE WEEK.

HERM SPERM

Selma Hayek is hot. Not just because of the boobs. Well, yeah, because of the boobs. But she also has a hot accent. And a umm .....(drools)....What was that? Oh yeah nice boobies.

Why yes, I have exquisite tits.

College ROFLball: Week Two Football

2010-09-21T18:29:00.000-07:00

FASA - Week 3

2010-09-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

Just gonna do photos. This is James Simms. He has a flat top and protects it with a doo rag.

Again, this week contained limited posts, but that's what Halo Reach will do to you. Anyways, after a good set of games last week, we follow up with a large pile of gay condoms. Lots of AIDS this week. Only one ranked match up, and it's at fucking 10 o'clock eastern. Fucking scheduling people. What does it mean?

7 - Touchdown

9 - Interception

6 - Sack

FRIDAY

Kansas vs Mississippi State - ESPN - 8 pm et

1 - James Simms gets a carry

2 - Southern Miss gets a first down

3 - Daymond Patterson touches the ball

4 - Southern Miss runs the option.

5 - "Georgia Tech win"

600 - Brett Farve is at the game and injures his throat from cheering.

Kill yourself if KU loses this game. Seriously. We beat fucking Georgia Tech.

SATURDAY

Arkansas vs Georgia - ESPN - 12pm et.

1 - "AJ Green"

2 - (AJ Green)

3 - Run for 5 yards or more

4 - Pass for 15 yards or more.

5 - Passing touchdown

100 - Ryan Mallet does a Gallagher and starts smashing objects on the sideline with a mallet.

Drink at will for a Georgia win. It's really not an upset. They're favored.

USC vs Minnesota - ESPN - 3:30 pm et

1- Minnesota completion

2 - Dillon Baxter touch

3 - Ronald Johnson touch

4 - Minnesota first down

5 - Matt Barkley throws a pick

800 - It snows in Minnesota

Finish your beer and then eat a cheese brat if Minnesota wins.

Texas vs Texas Tech - ABC - 8pm et

1 - Reference the game two years ago

2 - (the game two years ago)

3 - "Colt McCoy"

4 - "Michael Crabtree"

5 - Taylor Potts throws a TD

400 - Tommy Tubberville sends someone to the shed.

Finish a beer and finish yourself off because Texas Tech won.

Iowa vs Arizona State - ESPN - 10:30pm et

1 - Rick Stanzi completes a pass

2 - Adam Robinson breaks a 5 yard carry

3 - "BCS"

4 - Nick Foles throws a pick

5 - Nic Grigsby breaks a tackle

600 - Kirk Ferentz makes sex with a cougar on the sideline.

Drink some shots with varying amounts of volume for an Arizona win.

SONG THAT WOULD RANK #1 IN THE BCS POLLS

Herm Sperm

This is Allison Brie. She is the love of all things internet. Hot, but not slutty, and very promiscuous. Did I mention hot?

College ROFLball: Week Two Football

2010-09-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

THIS IS ALL I MUST SAY

2010-09-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

Mizzou does it again.

2010-09-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

I know this seems to be a recurring segment, but ratting on Missouri is my best attribute. Of course other than my average sized penis which make women say "ok". This video came to my attention via Deadspin. Let's just do a rundown through some lines here.

First, that wife beater, no matter how fitting it is that is on a Missourian, is much to small. This means hiphopster. Also, douche.

Second, get a fucking ihome. This isn't 2001 asshole. MP4's bitches. GO KU.

Third, this campus is shit.

"We don't need a practice field, this floor is our turf." Too poor to have a practice field? And, as far as I know, volley ball is only played on court surface or sand. No in between bullshit like grass. Save that for field hockey.

"Let me start off by sayin' (said in the middle of the verse) I know it's volley ball but it's not a game we're playin'" No? It isn't? You don't play volleyball? How bout pin the tail on the Mizzou girl? It's like pin the tail on the donkey. Let me rephrase that. It is pin the tail on the donkey.

"If you're in our path then we'll cut off your lights" That right there sir is a misdemeanor.

Something to notice is the underage-edness of the cheerleaders. This is customary of many Missourians. Break em in early. Make them all late.

"It's safe to assume that Katie's gonna put it down ... BOOM (ejaculation)."

Oh look. The tiger is eating blue and red shirts. NOOOO. GOD FORBID THEY PUT THE TWO MOST POPULAR COLORS IN THE MOUTH OF A BRASS TIGER.

And then of course a money shot of a tiger fucking two girls on a tiger. SO META!

FASA - Week 2

2010-09-10T15:51:00.000-07:00

STILL NOT RIGHT BUT DEAL WITH IT. ALCOHOL CAN BE A DRUG. IF YOU SUCK AT IT.

This week lacked the posts I was hoping to provide, but Kansas lost to North Dakota STATE. I've been using that excuse for everything this week. Hey, you wanna go to class today? NORTH DAKOTA STATE! (Goes back to bed, puts pillows over ears, and rolls around).

But, at last, the weekend is here and I can drink again. And you better bet that I will not remember the Georgia Tech game tomorrow at 11. As for your buzz? We'll I will help supply your consumption guidelines. The games this week are so much better than last week's.

Numbers stand for amount of drinks and the statement guides you as to when you are supposed to drink those drinks. Quotes signal things the announcers say. Parenthesis signal a camera shot of something. Let's GOOOOOOO... (Puts on North Dakota State Bison mascot head)

6 - Interceptions

2 - First downs

5 - Option plays

FRIDAY:

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BLOW ME FOR BLOCKING?!

West Virginia @ Marshall - 7 et - ESPN

1 - Noel Devine has a rush attempt

2 - Marshall first downs

3 - West Virginia kicks through goal posts.

4 - "Rich Rodriguez"

5 - Marshall scores

300 - If Marshall's airplane crashes into the West Virginia practice.

Finish a beer if Marshall covers the spread (13)

SATURDAY:

Catching NCAA allegations.

Georgia vs South Carolina - 12 et - ESPN 2

1 - Marcus Lattimore gets a touch

2 - Georgia throws for a first down

3 - "Steve Spurrier"

4 - "A.J. Green + suspended"

5 - "NCAA investigates South Carolina"

200 - Stephen Garcia does Cock Pushups

Finish a beer no matter the outcome. It's fucking Saturday. Act like it's Saturday.

Proper form means nothing to Jacory

Miami vs Ohio State - 3:30 et - ESPN

1 - Terrelle Pryor runs

2 - Jacory Harris runs

3 - Leonard Hankerson touches the ball

4 - (Jim Tressel and his vest)

5 - Terrelle Pryor throws a pick

200 - The quarterbacks stop and ask Jim Tressel for reparations.

Crack a beer open like Willis McGahee's knee and down it for a Miami win.

I'm touchin' mah dick.

Penn State vs Alabama - 7 et - ESPN

1 - (Erin Andrews)

2 - "Erin Andrews"

3 - "Mark Ingram + injury"

4 - "Joe Paterno + old"

5 - Penn State advances into Alabama territory

300 - If Joe Paterno dies on the sideline. This goes for every week.

Finish 2 beers in less than ten minutes if Penn State "Nitts" their way to a win. I'm ashamed of that joke.

SONG THAT WOULD RANK #1 IN THE BCS RANKINGS FOR THIS WEEKEND

XV is from Kansas and just dropped his mixtape, "VizzyZone" and if you don't have it already, get it.

Herm Sperm

In honor of her doing things in Machete which I haven't seen. Probably sex or something. Or dying. Who knows.

College ROFLball: Week One Football

2010-09-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

FASA - Friday Afternoon Swig of Alcohol - Week One

2010-09-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

It's not new, but I'm photoshop-less so screw it.

This is a sequel to last year's hit blog post. It's like Iron Man II. Much more simple, and dumbed down, but it's flashy as hell. And yes, there will be some ScarJo, as well as other good looking ladies through the weeks. Also, there will be drinking guidelines to the weekends games. I find this much more enjoyable than actually predicting stuff, cause I blow.

To begin, let me explain the rules. There will be a number before a statement. This will represent the amount of drinks you consume at the inception of the even explained. This is generally a reference to beer, but mixed drinks do work as well, and unless you're Joe Namath, probably not a good call to use hard alc. So, with only a paragraph of delay, welcome to FASA - II

FOR ALL GAMES:

1 – First downs.
4 – Touchdowns
7 – Interception

PEW. BEST THROW EVAR

FRIDAY - 8 pm et - Arizona vs Toledo - ESPN

5 – Any reference about Arizona immigration law.

5 – Lebron James references.

3 – Talk of the Utah game from Thursday.

6 – Utah to the Pac-10 talk.

3 – Toledo makes a field goal.

FINISH A BEER – If Toledo propelles their rockets to a win.

Let me get that knot out of your shoulders.

SATURDAY - 12 pm et - Florida vs Miami (OH) - ESPN

2 – Something about Tebow. (there will be a lot).

5 – Miami (OH) scores in any way.

4 – Mention of Uban Meyer's leave or heart thing.

100 – Talk of Brandon Spikes' sex tape.

FINISH TWO BEERS – If Florida plays like tiny penis-ed people and Miami (OH) wins.

It's the unusual 69 hug.

3:30 pm et - Texas vs Rice - ESPN

4 – Colt McCoy references

3 – National championship reference

4– Gilbert is from Austin mention

7 – "Rice is overmatched" or something to that tone.

4 – Shot of an Asian Rice fan.

FINISH ONE AND A HALF BEERS – If the Owls twist the Longhorns' neck a full 360 and win.

Poopsie Dasies

7:45 pm et - TCU vs Oregon State - ESPN

4 – Mention of loss to Boise State last year

5 – Comment on TCU's new jerseys

6 – Reference to Obama's step-brother who coaches at OSU

2 – Obligatory non-BCS school reference

4 – Heisman talk for Jacquizz Rodgers

FINISH HALF A BEER AND GO OUT AND DRINK YOUR HEART OUT – If Oregon State kind of upsets TCU.

8 pm et - North Carolina vs LSU - ABC

1 – Mentioning of a name of one of the suspended players on UNC

4 – Reference of LSU's terrible offense last year

6 – Reference to UNC basketball

3 – LSU's chances in the SEC

5 – Talk of agents and NCAA rules.

7 – The total score exceeds 30

FINISH YOUR DRINK – If someone wins. Then end you're night at a bar and or party.

SONG THAT WOULD RANK #1 IN THE BCS RANKINGS FOR THIS WEEKEND.

HERM SPERM FOR THE WEEK – SCAR JO AS PROMISED EARLIER.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - SEC

2010-09-02T11:21:00.000-07:00

The grand finale of Preseason Partying and Bullshit ends with the best, most athletic, most talented, and most racist of them all. THE SEC. Short for non-secular of course. Because they love Jesus, and the only thing they love more than Jesus is football. And hating blacks and gays and spics and japs and wetbacks and athiests and agnostics and .... GEORGIA. FUCK 'EM. GO GATORS. YEE HAWWWW!!! (Plays washboard)

AWWWWW SHEET. MAH KNEE. SURGERY!

Tebow has left the Gators and is now pursuiting his life long dream of being a journeyman back up quarterback.

Mark Ingram has let the ~~undeserved~~ Heisman trophy get to his head. Getting all that attention from his knee surgery like a regular pre-madonna.

Les Miles got a shout out on True Blood last week. You know what that means? I'm gay for watching that show.

Tennessee is still pissed at Lane Kiffin, but seriously. Who would choose Knoxville over Los Angeles. If you said "I would :(" then fuck you.

Predictions

Pregame festivities at Ole Miss. GO REBELS WHOOO!

Alabama ROLLS. See what I did there. ROLL TIDE.

UFL HERE I COME. Styrofoam cups for everyone!

Florida can't keep the devil out of their soul without the help of Tebow. Urban Meyer's heart explodes as they get a third place finish. Erin Andrews cries.

South Carolina sucks cocks. middle to lower end of the league.

Georgia still misses Matty Stafford. Still suck.

LSU is better than you think because they have merged their vampire nations with Mississippi. Still referencing True Blood. Still gay.

Auburn wins some games with the FORMER HEAD COACH OF IOWA STATE AT THEIR HELM. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

Ole Miss' quaterbacking drops as Jeramiah Masoli sits out a year. They do have a rise in domestic robberies though.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Pac 10

2010-09-01T15:30:00.000-07:00

The Pacific 10 holds the title of most uncared for conference, and rightly so. Their west coast time zone relegates all their games to 9 pm start times in the east coast. By that time, people are already drunk looking for a hookup. 9 pm football games on a Saturday night might as well be an Iranian league soccer game. Therefore, no one cares about this conference. Also, it is just assumed that USC will win the conference, and everyone knows, the human spirit feeds of intrigue, and not expectations. That's why they went out and got good old Utah for the bunch. Intrigued NOW BITCH???!?!??!?

You mean CONTINUED INDEFINITELY

Oregon has a five finger discount policy on campus.

USC athletics doesn't use a wallet. The money just sits around in their pants, and if SOMEHOW, someone finds a few dollars that isn't supposed to have those dollars....JOE MCKNIGHT I SEE YOU.

Stanford produces sex addicts. Proven fact, by Stanford researchers.

UCLA gets to play K-state this year. The battle between the two lesser important schools in their state.

Arizona's A stands for alcohol.

Predictions

GO LONG. REALLY LONG. LIKE, TO SEATTLE.

USC plays Dillon Baxter. The world jizzes over themselves. He's considered for a Heisman but gets the Adrian Peterson treatment. USC wins the conference, and doesn't go to a bowl game.

Ducks are fucking assholes.

Stanford goes to the Rose Bowl as the second place team. USC bitches about it. No one cares.

Oregon steals a game @ Stanford but gets beat by USC.

Oregon State looses to TCU and Boise State, completing the worst ever scheduled season ever. Dumb asses.

Washington and Jake Locker play well and finish third. They become depressed because they wanted first place. They then shoot themselves with a shot gun after fucking Courtney Love.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Big 1T1en

2010-08-31T15:14:00.000-07:00

I know this is supposed to be the cream of the crop of conferences. Old schools, with high prestige in many sports and academics. Hell, they are even awesome in celebration. See Michigan State U in 1999 basketball. But, we can all hate on these guys. That's be cause they are the man. And you know what they say. Lightly scratch the skin off their chin until you reach bone to the man. Or fuck the man. I like the first. Anyways, it's the last year of the Big 11 and soon to be the Big 10+2. I'll chin rape Nebraska.

Hmmm. What would Descates do here?

Ohio State last year had their chances, and yet still couldn't understand how a running black quarterback couldn't throw. Still think he should have played basketball.

Michigan has been cheating, but they can because they are the man. Although their coach is Mexican I think?

Notre Dame is still not in their league. Props to that I guess.

Iowa has the best coach in this league, because anyone that can convince someone to live in Iowa is a saint. Drew Brees could do it though.

Penn State is likes clan apparel.

Predictions

Only looks good at quarterback when photoshoped.

Ohio State get's endorsed by Kirk Herbstreit. Then in an attempt to interview Terrelle Pryor he trips and accidentally cuts Pryor's artery with his gelled hair. They finish second.

Penn State (insert old Joe Paterno joke here). Finish third.

Iowa angers all as they win every game and go to the national championship. This in no way has anything to do with the fact that I was born in Iowa.

Michigan continues to rebuild. Still can't run the spread.

Northwestern sucks, but the school newspaper has great headlines, utilizing puns.

Wisconsin eats the other teams players on home games.

Minnesota is cold. Ice fishing. Winter stuff.

Michigan State hires Larry Izzo to the head coach of the football team. They make it to the final four... again.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Big East

2010-08-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

He poops bull-ders.

The Big East is an elite conference. If you didn't get that, then you didn't see my sarcasm. What are you an idiot? You can't READ sarcasm? Fuck you. And fuck the Big East. All those schools are terrible at football. Cincinnati sucks, and they are supposed to be the good school. Allowing them a free spot in the BCS bowl season is entire bullshit. Bullshit straight from South Florida's mascot.

West Virginia will run the spread. Key word in that sentence is run.

Cincy doesn't have a coach that is good since Brian Kelly (catholic) went to Notre Lame (catholic).

Connecticut was a fluke two years ago. They were just disguised as good among Big East trash.

Pittsburg had Larry Fitzgerald. That is all.

USF, Syracuse, and Louisville are so bad that Kansas could beat them 10 out of 11 times.

Predictions


This guy leads the preseason favorites in this conference. I don't even know who this is?

The conference will suck. I guarentee it.

Pittsburg might win 9 or 10 games or something just out of the need for there to be a winner of this conference.

OOOOOOHHH YEAH. PULL MY FACEMASK HARDER.

Cincy declines like Lebron declined an invite to the FIBA championships in Turkey. Turkey shouldn't be a country. Just an animal/meat product.

West Virginia laughs at Rich Rodriguez, then laughs at their terrible team.

Syracuse falters after having the stablizing presence of Greg Paulus removed from the team. It snows in Syracuse.

Rutgers is in Miami for the second season of Jersey Shore. They don't return. 0-12.

Preseason Partying and Bullshit - Big 12

2010-08-27T15:32:00.000-07:00

This will be the final year with 12 teams in the Big 12, which will make this conference just as bad as the Big 11. I sincerely hope the conference changes it's name to the Big 10. YOU CAN TAKE OUR TEAMS BUT WE CAN TAKE YOUR NAME. And if the Big 10 insists on keeping that ridiculously incorrect name, then we'll have two Big 10's. Suck on it.

As for this year, there will be 12 teams and the name can stay for it's final season, as Nebraska will be exiting to the Big 12(?). There, they will be constantly beaten by Ohio State, Penn State and Iowa instead of the doldrums of Texas and Oklahoma. And that's where we'll begin

Oklahoma and Texas have new quarterbacks that everyone is feeding down your throats as the top newcomers of the year, and what a ballsy prediction they have made. Two quarterbacks on two of the most talented teams in the nation. YOU'RE BLOWING MY MIND PAT FORDE.

Kansas is enjoying the fruits of a completely reorganized football/athletics department. Did I say enjoy? I meant have a tape worm from. It's all gone to shit godamnit.

Texas Tech has Tommy Tuberville who, they hope, will not employ the use of sheds to break in his freshman talent.

Nebraska and Colorado are the stupid slutty whores that dipped their pen in other conference ink. No one likes them.

No one remembers Iowa State is there.

Predictions

Hey guys. Guys? GUYS!?!! Fuck this, the Big 10 wants me.

Nebraska learns that leaving the conference does not bode well for a team trying to win a conference championship. Someone kills a Nebraska fan who enters an away game in Cornhusker gear.

I'll do your kidz. I'll do 'em hard. And then yell Touchdown

Baylor has a black quarterback. My stance is that black means running back, but the Wildcat is the exception. I don't know if he can throw but he was good until he injured his extra Achilles tendon last year. They make a bowl game.

Oklahoma improves with the help a year of collegiate child rape for Pedo-Stache. They become the favorite to win the Big 12 and go undefeated, just to lose a heart breaking game in a BCS game.

Texas' sophomore quarterback plays like shit because he doesn't have a stache. Everyone knows the formula. Stache = Good.

Kansas surprises thanks to the HOPE given by black head coach Turner Gil. I wear a ghillie suit in appropriate word play with his last name. Bowl game is possible.

Colorado finishes last, thanks to an Iowa State beat down for the ages. Final score 2-0.

YAY. SEXUAL ASSAULT BY RIVAL SCHOOL!!!???

2010-08-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not one to beat black people when they are down and suspended. Wait, yes I am.

24 stands for the number of ladies he's punished for insubordination of his cock

Introducing today, Derrick Washington into the pantheon of Sexual Assault Assailants. As is known by most, I am a staunch believer in what goes on in Missouri is downright sub human. Corpses have better manners than these people. The Situation grabs more respect with one ab than does the entire state of Missouri. They think cicadas are cool. And they are totally wrong. Cicadas are the assholes of the animal species. They pick the time between 5 and 7 pm to just yell from trees. When they fly into you, they just lay on the ground and buzz around like it's your fault they flew into you. And they only live one month and have sex and create baby cicades for next year that are just as useless as the ones previous. These animals have no excuse to exist, but they do. And this is the same for Missouri.

Anyways, to get to my point, Derrick Washington is just exhibiting those cicada like tendencies. Fucking girls, hitting them and probably blaming them for making him do it. Living for a short time, in prison where he will slowly stop talking and just die. Yelling at movies. These are all things Missourians and cicadas have in common. Also they are both disgusting.

The majestic and gracefull Blue Jay eats cicadas all day, and everyone knows that half a Jayhawk is a Blue Jay. Anyways, that might be the worst transition ever, but it brings me to this point. NEW JAYHWAWK THEMED RAP FROM INDEPENDENT RECORD LABEL!!!!

Preseason Partying and Bullshit

2010-08-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

Classes have started for me, like most other schools that have normal schedules, and not that tri-mester or quarter-mester (?) crap. This symbolizes the rebirth of an actual schedule for me, which will give me interest and planning allowing me to return to blogging again here. From now until the beginning of the season, I will be running through the conferences and listing things. Just things. No real outline. Come on. It's the beginning of the school year. I'm rusty at outlines and writing. Get over it.

I'll start alphabetically today with the Atlantic Coast Conference.

The ACC considers itself a Big 5 football conference, even though the talent is weaker than that of the Mountain West. Hell, they barely edge out the Big East for second worst BCS conference.

The ACC is full of unfulfilling teams. Miami can't decide how they will lose their preseason expectations. Virginia Tech can't help but shoot itself in the foot. Florida State can't appreciate the elderly. Clemson is orange. These are all things that transpire in the conference.

Something is happening in North Carolina. I don't really know what it is. Probably racism.

Duke, Virginia, North Carolina State and Boston College. That's all the mentioning these teams will get on this blog for the rest of the season. Unless someone dies. Then it'll be SUPER GHOST 2.0

Predictions

RUN HE'S TRYING TO OPPRESS YOU

Georgia Tech will win the conference. You just can't hate a team that blatantly disregards the rest of the nation's schools offensive schemes. What's that everyone? You throw 70% of the time? I hear you. Run the ball 90% of the time right? Also, they have a black QB, and that's always a positive.

Florida State and Miami are ranked in the preseason AP poll this year. Expect for both of them to be out by week 6.

Depressed trot Happy trot

Virginia Tech is all up in the top 10. They'll be out after week one. Tyrod Taylor will do something illegal. It's a tradition for (black) quarterbacks at Virgina Tech.

Maryland will hire Greivis Vasquez as President/Provost/Head Sports Coach from now and til eternity. They will lose every conference game.

Boston College will be studying on a Saturday and forget that they have a game. Somehow they still beat Duke that week thanks to an unforced safety.

No one gets the to Championship game from the conference and only one team makes BCS game.

Back son.

2010-07-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

As expected the NCAA today stated that the new and "improved(?)" basketball system with 68 teams. And guess what happened? EXACTLY WHAT WAS EXPECTED. This means you Niagra, and yes you, Morehead State will now not even count in this tournament, and hopefully SHAFT THE FUCK OUT OF NORTHERN IOWA.

This now means that the basketball tournament will have an increase in talented team and a decrease in shit teams.What was before considered the first round of the tournament will now officially be known as the the second round (according to the NCAA) with the first round of games changed to the first four play-in games. This of course will change in 8 months when everyone forgets this and goes back to the old way of doing things. The first games don't matter and the other 64 teams do, and matter even more with better teams and better channels.

Then we can all drink and enjoy the USC's and the Boston College's instead of the Idaho State School of the Blind's.

As for site news, there will begin to be more and more posts coming up to the football season for college and as we approach August and now that the World Cup is over. I've hired Paul the squid to help me with the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse posts. He's struggling with his new found fame. I found him last night passed out with a bag of coke and an Asian stripper. He's so cool.

College ROFLball: You're Drafted!

2010-06-25T09:36:00.000-07:00