Humor Me!

The 3-Minute Timed Test

2011-09-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

OK so this is a bit different. I want you to grab a notepad, or piece of paper and a pen for this one and go through questions 1 to 20...

Would be even better if you do this with a friend, maybe a race? Remember you only have 3 (THREE) minutes!

Here Goes...

1. Read everything before doing anything.
2. Put your name on the upper right-hand corner of the paper.
3. List three jobs that you would love to do.
4. List three things you would tell your employer about yourself.
5. Would you hire yourself? If so write: YES! YES! YES!
6. What number would come next?: 3,5,7,9,___
7. Write the number 7 next to the answer in question 6.
8. Write down the item that does not belong: pen, pencil or hat
9. Draw five small squares.
10. Put an "X" in each square
11. Draw a circle around each square
12. Multiply: 120 x 4
13. Loudly call out your first name when you get to this point.
14. If you think you have followed the directions carefully, call out LOUDLY "I have!"
15. Add: 1457 + 8950 =
16. Count backwards from 10 to 1 loud.
17. Write down all the even numbers on this page.
18. Say loudly, "I am nearly finished, and I have followed directions.
19. Draw a happy face here
20. Now that you have finished reading this sheet carefully, do only sentences one and two.

Hope you enjoyed...

More One Liners:- Well I'm back for a little bit, will be posting consistently so visit often :)

2011-01-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

There are two kinds of people:- those that do the work, and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Where there's a will... I want to be in it.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes and hail.

A successful man makes more money than his woman can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

The time to ensure that the toilet works is before you really need it.

One Liners - Some funny, some to get ya thinking...

2010-01-13T14:02:00.000-08:00

I'm getting requests for more one-liners so here's a little something to keep you laughing. I put together this list from a bunch of random places including websites, my email and a cpl friends... Thank you guys for the interest in my blog, I've gotten nothing but positive reviews, Thank you!!

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.
(unless I buy something)

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park elsewhere!

If aliens are smart enough to travel through space,
why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?

If Noah had been smart he would have swatted those two flies.

No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Children seldom mis-quote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Girls are like roads, the more they curve, the more dangerous they are.

Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Only in North America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

They call it "PMS" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Born Free... Taxed to Death

If at first you don't succeed...... you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Clones are people two.

Surgery

2010-01-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

Found this one while scraping together some more one-liners for your enjoyment... Decided to post... Here Goes...

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

# Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
# Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
# Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
# Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
# Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
# Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
# Damm! There go the lights again...
# What's this doing here?
# That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
# Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
# Sterile, schemerle. The floor's clean, right?
# What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
# OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
# This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
# Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
# Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
# Isn't this the guy with the really lousy insurance?

Jesus Knows You're Here

2009-12-11T12:23:00.000-08:00

Got this one in an email today, it's not bad so here goes...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

One Liners

2009-11-20T11:12:00.000-08:00

Found another beautiful list of one-liners while surfing the net today, decided to post right away... Have fun...

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

When in doubt, mumble.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Marriage made in Heaven.

2009-09-24T13:58:00.000-07:00

Nice one...

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get married in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out

“Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”

Will he Jump??

2009-09-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

Lol, yea I found this one funny... Wouldn't know what to do if I had a bet with someone like that, probably bet him something everyday, lol, but then my good side won't allow it so... Anyways, here goes...

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.

It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy. “Your on!”, he says.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.

The second guy hands the first guy the money. “I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”

“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

Million Bucks

2009-09-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

Found this one hilarious, well... funny, Here goes...

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

“Wow!” said his friend, “where did you get that monster.”

“I got it from my genie.”

“You have a genie?” he asked.

“Yes, he’s right here in my pocket.”

“Could I see him?”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”

“Yes I will,” the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master’s pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, “What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”

He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?”

Devil's Match

2009-09-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

For some reason I can't seem to find the option for adding pictures to my posts... I'm not sure if it's changes made by blogspot themselves but I'll edit these posts with images as soon as I can...

Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old man and says “Do you know how I am?” The old man took another sip of his beer and answered “Yep”

The Devil stared at the old man and asked “Well aren’t you afraid of me?” The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs “I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?”

What are you?

2009-09-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

Found this one while at work, can't remember what i was looking for but as I thought of adding it, it sure reminded me that it's time to update me blog with new posts. So here goes...

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says “I bet you are a surgeon.” She confirms and asks how he knew. “Easy, you’re always washing your hands.” “That’s very clever” she says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist”. “Wow, how did you guess?”

“I didn’t feel a thing.”

2009-08-13T08:04:00.000-07:00

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

2009-08-13T08:01:00.000-07:00

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know."

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!"

The Mailman

2009-08-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words."

He said, "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"

Road Rage

2009-08-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde, "Stand in the circle and don't move!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times."

Magic Mirror

2009-08-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*

Ice-Fishing Blonde

2009-08-13T07:19:00.000-07:00

Well since there's so many of them out there, i'll go with some more Blonde jokes, again, no offense, but they're always a good laugh...

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "WOMAN! THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"

The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."

The 2 Aliens

2009-08-13T07:15:00.000-07:00

Found this one today while looking for a new game to play, lol, i'm updating once again...

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Question that Haunt!

2009-06-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

More classic questions for your enjoyment...

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Mental Hospital

2009-06-01T18:51:00.000-07:00

A very good friend of mine sent me this one in the mail today...

During my visit to the mentally challenged hospital, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient requires treatment...

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out.
Do you want a bed near the window?"

One Liners!

2009-04-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

So here's a huge list of one liners i found on the internet just now, I apologize for not posting some new bits for a while now, but I've been a bit busy. I'll leave you with this list for now and will be updating again in a day or two... ;)

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Lure

2009-04-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

I figure this is one you'd probably wanna try on the cops, lol, here goes...

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Funeral Procession

2009-04-28T18:29:00.000-07:00

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says.

"Well," Harry replies,
"I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."

Confession...

2009-04-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!"