Made With Love

Love, Life & Happy Pills...

2017-09-17T17:07:00.000-04:00

pic via here

Why am I writing this... that is a very good question. I suppose I am for many reasons, one of them being to help others that may be going through the same and are feeling alone. I'm also sharing because it's been part of my process, a way to fully understand (as much as I can) and digest (again, as much as I can) the varying range of emotions that I've been feeling so deeply for far too long.

Trying to gather my thoughts for this post hasn't been easy. I've been playing with various versions of it in my head, shaping and molding it to my liking for about a year now. It's the big fat elephant in the room that everyone's aware of but not one is willing to talk about. Depression, even for those of us that have been labeled as "high functioning" is still a daily obstacle. This is my version and it includes losing love, a few therapists, some happy pills, finding myself, and whole slew of family and friends that were there for me when I needed them most. I was lucky... or at least as lucky as you can get after hitting the lowest of rock bottoms. And while I am by no means advocating medication for everyone because I genuinely believe that it is a very personal and individual decision, I am whole heartedly a supporter of getting the help you need be it what it may. Because therapy shouldn't make anyone feel embarrassed and pills shouldn't make anyone feel ashamed.

"What if I try therapy?" I bargained with him as I knew there was nothing left but that. I had been living with various bouts of anxiety and on going depression for the last few years without fully realizing it. Or maybe on some level I had, but I honestly believed I could fix it myself. After all, I wasn't clinically depressed, just sad, right? So you name it and I bet I tried it. Birth control- went off them because maybe they were effecting my hormones/moods/ability to be happy. Exercise- I ran everywhere and threw myself into yoga, I literally learned how to stand on my head. Eat healthy- I was looking up any and every recipe I could find that included specific serotonin boosting properties and ate my sad little heart out. Learn new things- I picked up the ukulele, dabbled in fabric dyeing and learned how to weave. Remove myself from toxic environments- I quit my mentally and emotionally abusive job and still continued slumping through life. And so I finally had to admit, maybe I needed help.

One of the hardest and most painful things I experienced was that first initial round of finding a therapist. I didn't even know where to begin. Google? Did I need a therapist or a psychiatrist or a psychologist and what even are the differences?!? Cold calling (because that's what it felt like) therapists and trying not cry while explaining that I wasn't really depressed but maybe I was and asking if they were taking new clients and how much did they charge left me drained! It's incredible how rude and insensitive some of them could be, or was I being overly sensitive? Every time I had to pour out my soul in five minutes or less to see if we were a good match felt like I was reopening a wound over and over again. After that came the handful of phone interviews, now guaranteeing me at least 15 minutes to see if we were a fit, and like two in person meetings which I understand are rare and I was really appreciative of. For about a week, although it felt like a month, this was all I did, Wake up, eat, try to find a therapist, crawl back into bed and repeat. When I finally found her, I just knew it then and there. As painful as it was, I could pour out my heart so easily to her. And she even worked with me price wise because unlike others, she was in the profession to actually help people and not just to make money. Again, that may not be accurate at all (about the others) but that's what it felt like at the time. Then bam, he insisted I find someone through our insurance and I died again...

Round two of the same sad saga but perhaps even worse because now I was facing a lot more rudeness (I thought) and the "we are no longer taking that insurance" spiel which was like nails to a chalk board. After another dreadful week, I had only managed to find someone I didn't hate but wasn't in love with and so we compromised. I'd do a few sessions with both to feel them out and then make a decision. Only I never did. For a solid eight or nine months, I continued to see both. I felt like such a cliche and I kind of laughed it off at how LA I now was. I worked in fashion and had a cat and did yoga and had not one but two therapists! Of course when I say I laughed it off I mean only to myself while actually crying because I kept it very much a secret from the world. I was still not ready to come out and felt frustrated that I couldn't fix myself. Mind you, I would have had no problem accepting, supporting, and even loving someone else that could've been going through this, but for whatever reasons, I was so hard on myself.

"But you're not a depressed person" was the response I got from him, family, and friends when I told them about my therapists (now there was a marriage counselor in the mix too) suggesting I go on antidepressants. And I agreed, sort of. When the first one had suggested it, I aggressively said no. I was after all, in therapy twice a week. Surely that would be enough?! When the second one suggested it months later, it bothered me but did get me thinking that maybe... And so finally when our marriage counselor suggested it too, I thought I'd be dumb not to at least try.

Did I want to take my own life? No, I'm embarrassed to say I was too much of a coward to do anything like that myself. But boy how I wished it would all just end... I couldn't quite explain how sometimes I felt so alone. Alone while still being a marriage that was surely spiraling down the drain and not helping my situation in the least. And while he was there in a physical and financial sense, I had never felt more alone in my life. There were times when I felt so alone with him that the idea of tip-toeing around in my marriage for the next forty years and then some seemed terrifying. Surely we couldn't live like this, and the thoughts "I'd rather be dead" would creep up from deep within and I would cry. This had become bigger than us. And she would point out to me "Its seems like you are willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of the relationship to the point where there is nothing left to give. When does it end?"

I was a prisoner of my own mind, slave to my own self imposed rules and I was driving myself mad. So what exactly was my problem with the pills? What if I wasn't me anymore? What if I was numb, couldn't feel things, wasn't creative or passionate about anything anymore? What if it didn't fix us or me? What if after all this he still couldn't love me because I had become so impossible to love? And did it mean I had failed? That was the first honest and open conversation I had ever had with him and the tears would not stop streaming down my face. And he listened. He actually heard me for once. I was so scared of living, I had somehow ended up hiding behind him without even realizing it and now he didn't want to be there for me to hide behind anymore. Truth is, I couldn't blame him either. I guess that's when I finally reached the point where I felt like I had nothing left to lose so I gave in and made an appointment with a psychiatrist because they, it turns out, can prescribe stuff like drugs. And in case you're keeping track, I was now down to one therapist (the insurance one and I broke up after I left my job and was no longer covered), a marriage counselor, and now a psychiatrist.

It was explained to me that sometimes, when stressful life circumstances collide with hereditary dispositions, depression can be triggered. Serotonin is the thing that helps keep us happy and normally it replenishes itself. But sometimes, when too much has been depleted and for too long, the brain might need help in catching up, which is where the pills came in. Or at least that's what I think I remember hearing through the haze of it all. I knew this would be the beginning of another long and hard road and that it was very possible that things could get a lot worse before they got better with trying to find the right drugs and dosage, so I decided I needed to surround myself with unconditional love and support. Something I knew he couldn't give me, so I decided I'd go home to Miami. Just before I left, I had my last session with my therapist where she congratulated me for taking another step towards self preservation. She also mentioned that I had been an amazing patient to work with, always putting in the work on my end and focusing on being introspective no matter how much it hurt. And lastly, that I was finally talking about my life and experiences as someone that was actually going through them because when we first started, I had spoken from a detached place, as if I was talking about someone else. Always a teacher's pet, I took those words of praise and headed east.

I can remember now with a weird sort of fondness how despite the fact that the drugs were making me feel all sorts of terrible, I was willing to take it if they helped me in the long run because nothing could be as bad as how I had been feeling for the last five years give or take. As the side affects subsided, I noticed I didn't quite feel anything, which was a relief for the time being. I even tried replaying the last year of my marriage and some of the harsh truths that I hadn't wanted to hear that had come out during our marriage counseling sessions just to see, but nothing. No sadness, no tears, nothing. Maybe I was all cried out? And while I didn't particularly want to feel nothing forever, for that moment in time, I embraced it. Slowly as I healed and started to balance out again, I started to feel stronger, more capable. It was like I had been in a dream-like, fuzzy state for years and I could finally see clearly. For once I felt like I could understand things from a logical stand point without falling apart. What's more is, I felt alive again and I knew what had to be done. If you're interested in that story, you can read about it in an earlier post here.

It's been over a year now and I am honestly so glad I went on medication. I now understand that expecting myself to just get better without treatment is like asking a diabetic why they can't just deal without insulin. We both need it in order to function and that's ok. Will I stay on them forever? I don't know, I don't really think much about it. But if I had to, would it be the end of the world? Not at all! I know I got lucky in finding the right pill and dosage on the first try, but even if that hadn't been the case, I know I would've eventually gotten here. These days I'm very open and honestly share my story with anyone that might ask because I know what it's like to feel afraid and alone. If I could hold each and every single person's hand through their own journey, I would. Because it will be ok. And you don't have to feel like the world is ending, in fact, the world is just about to be reborn for you.

A few things that I'd tell my younger self if I could would be to reach out for help sooner rather than wait and try to carry the heaviness on your own for so long. That more people are going through this than you realize, you are not alone. That having a mental illness doesn't mean you failed. And that depression doesn't have to define you. That you will get through this because you are more resilient than you give yourself credit for. That you can trust and lean on loved ones for support when you need it. And that you should be kinder to yourself, it's ok to have bad days.

I'd also like to say a very special thank you to my parents, who did their very best to try and understand and continued supporting me even when they didn't. My sister for allowing me to be imperfect, raw, and vulnerable with her. My mother in law for her endless support despite what must've been a very conflicting situation for her. Those friends of mine that came forward with their own experiences of depression and pills and encouraged me to keep going. The strangers that I met along my cross country journey that accepted me as I was, a work in progress and loved me for it. And of course Brooklyn, because for better or worse, he's always been by my side without judging.

So that's my story for now as it will forever keep unfolding and changing and I hope to continue sharing as I go. My name is Jackie Lugo and this is what depression looks like. Sometimes it's smiling and sometimes it not. Sometimes it's creating and sometime's it's destroying. Sometimes it just needs to be listened to and other times, well, other times it just might need a hug.

>>>This is deeply personal to me so please be kind. If you have no nice thoughts or comments, that's totally ok, but then I'd rather you keep them to yourself. Only hope and positivity allowed here on my blog, thank you!

One way of me sharing before I was actually able to was by posting things on facebook for my family and friends to read and learn from. Feel free to check them out here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

***Today I am thankful for what feels like a second chance at life. It's great to feel truly alive again and I'm making sure I live it to the fullest!***

Women's March on Washington...

2017-03-03T13:43:00.000-05:00

^^^people even in the trees!^^^

^^^i love her!^^^

^^^yelling it loud & proud!^^^

^^^i love her too!^^^

^^^my girl gang!^^^

^^^free the nipples!^^^

I'm afraid I don't have the words possible to describe the immensity of this event and the impact it's had on me. Even as I edited these pictures, I could feel my body tingle with the same excitement I felt during the march from all of the fond memories resurfacing. I hope these images speak to you too and if you were there, or at any of the other marches world wide, I hope they make you tingle too!

***Today I am thankful for the opportunity to have been involved in such a life changing and historical event***

Meanings...

2017-03-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

People have been asking me what the triangle tattoo on my wrist means so I thought I'd share. While triangles can have all sorts of meanings, to me it signifies balance. It reminds me to keep both feet rooted securely on the ground below me while still being able to look up into the sky above for inspiration, not getting stuck, not getting lost or overwhelmed.

The triangle structurally is one of the most resilient designs because of it's strong foundation. The last few years I'd been leaning heavily on him for all kinds of emotional and mental support without realizing it and crushed him in the process. I never want that to happen again with anyone. I want to build a strong enough foundation for myself that enables me to stand on my own and be self sufficient, pulling everything I may need from within.

It also means change and serves as a reminder that change doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing or a scary thing. It is an inevitable part of life, an almost certainty you can count on. It can be exciting and an opportunity for growth if I let it be. It's my constant reminder not to runaway from change, but to embrace it instead with eyes wide open, arms out stretched, and a genuine heart.

Simply put, I want to be a triangle...

***Today I am thankful for triangles and everything they mean to me..."

Love, Faith, & Happiness...

2017-03-01T10:00:00.000-05:00

To love myself unconditionally above all things... To generate enough love that I never have to depend on anyone or anything to feel loved... To open myself up to receiving love from those that are genuinely offering it... To spread love as much and as often as possible...

To have faith in myself and my abilities... To remember that I'm stronger and way more capable than I give myself credit for... To have faith in my intuition and listen to my gut feeling more often, they are usually right... To not loose faith in others based on negative experiences or interactions...

To live my life in the pursuit of happiness... To only do things that make me truly happy and eliminate those that don't add or take away from my happiness... To cultivate my own happiness, guard it, and protect it because it is very special to me... To be responsible for my happiness and none else's...

My mantra that I adopted while spending time in the desert after a lot of soul searching and reading into Buddhism.

***Today I am thankful for love, faith, and happiness and defining what they mean to me***

Winter Flowers...

2017-02-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

A few things of note...

It feels real good, I mean insanely great to be back in a proper city. To use my legs to walk around instead of having to drive. To be surrounded by an endless array of awe inspiring architecture. To have culture at your finger tips. And last but certainly not least, to have to bundle up because SEASONS!!!

My jeans make me feel like I'm wearing a wallpaper or carpet or both and I love it!

This is the first winter coat I've bought since my shiny silver one that I got way back when I first moved to NYC. It was popping at the seams, had (most likely beer) stains that couldn't be removed, down feathers coming out of it... A total mess because I wore that coat, and I wore it hard! I'd had my eye on this one for a few years now but living in LA, who needs a coat. Needless to say I was really excited when I saw this baby was still available and even more so when I found it in petite sizing meaning the sleeves are actually the right length for a change.

I really enjoy picking flowers/weeds/foliage of all types when I'm outdoors and dead/dried ones make no exception...

And completely random but worth a mention, I don't have a preference as to which I pour into a bowl first, the milk or the cereal. It makes absolutely no difference to me and I'll happily eat it either way.

***Today I am thankful to be back in the city swing of things***

More Like Goals: 2017 Edition

2017-02-27T16:12:00.001-05:00

Pic by: Lee McMullen

One day left until February is over and in my usual tardy fashion, finally nailing down my goals for this year. I have to admit that the lateness in part is due to laziness and actually writing it all out, but also due to the fact that I really wanted to figure out what areas I wanted to focus my energies on this year. Each one I have thoroughly thought over, examined, picked apart, and shaped into what I hope to accomplish with them this year. I know last year I reviewed the previous years' goals but quite frankly, I don't have it in me to do that this year. 2016 was, well it just was and I'd rather leave it be.

1 | Finish my #everythingwillbeoktour weaving collection ---> Some of you may or may not know this but, this summer I launched into a full on weaving frenzy inspired by all of the beautiful places I was traveling through on my cross country adventure with Brooklyn. I had been stuck in a creative rut, drought if you will, and that mashed together with other personal things I was going through left me feeling dead inside. Not to sound all dramatic, and if you're a creative person you'll probably resonate with this sentiment, but when I am not creating, I don't feel alive. When I'm not being inspired, I feel lifeless. It was clear to me that something had to give and then when pretty much everything did, weaving in a way saved me. What happened I can't even really explain... All of the emotions and feelings of fear, worry, sadness, defeat, they all poured out of me into my creations. Weaving became my therapy, a way of working with my hands that I had been craving while doing some serious soul searching (and crying). Still stumbling through life (and my weaving) with no clear direction or indication about anything, I happened across an opportunity I knew in my heart I couldn't possibly give up. Enter Terlingua, an offer as a local guest artist for my weavings, and a sweet gig as a bar tender (something I've ALWAYS wanted to do!) and it seemed like fate was finally giving me a break... or maybe it was God? What I'm trying to say is that out of a whole lot of crap, just.jackie.co was born and so was my #everythingwillbeoktour series which at last count was somewhere in the 90's? Possibly 100's by the time I make it NYC? Everything finally clicked and made sense and the ah-ha moment happened. Now I have a lot of weaving to excitedly get through so stay tuned to the shop!

2 | Shop more intentionally and mindfully ---> Like many things in life, why certain things seem to stand out and take precedent over others at certain times I'll never fully understand but here I am. After realizing that I would only be able to bring with me the things that fit in Beyonce (my car), and the fact that Brooklyn's tree took up about one third of that space, it was made clear to me that major prioritizing had to happen. All of a sudden everything that I had once deemed so important lost its value as the necessities began filling up my car. My beloved stuff became just that, stuff. Living out of your car for six months can do wonders on how you perceive material possessions. Of course I know that when I eventually get to the other side (NYC) I'll have to add a few things back onto my list of stuff, like a mattress, perhaps a bed frame. But that got me thinking about buying out of need vs buying just to buy, to feel good, to fill a void which was something I was totally guilty of in the past. I didn't want to end up surrounded by a bunch of stuff again. Hoping to take my new found/forced on minimalism one step forward, one of my goals will be to only add to the list of "stuff" things that I genuinely need. And around the time that I was toying with that thought, another one seemed to surface that actually went hand in hand, shopping mindfully. What I mean by that is being the best consumer I can possibly be by shopping responsibly. Doing my research to try and purchase locally, environmentally friendly, sustainable, and ethically well made goods whenever possible. This may mean they might be a little more on the expensive side, but since I won't be senselessly shopping, I'm ok with that. Plus as a designer, I can appreciate the time and labor that well made goods take and along with it, their value. It's not something that will happen overnight, but somethingI see as more of a life style. Through this journey, I'll be creating a shop responsibly tab at the top of the blog and adding companies as I discover them if you want to join in.

3 | Run more/again ---> Let's face it, I have a pattern when it comes to running... a love/hate relationship that I just love to, well, love and hate! I fall in and out of it and where I'm running has as much to with how often I'm running as my moods do. But bottom line is this, I really (usually) enjoy running and so as long as I continue writing yearly goals and as long as my knees cooperate, some variation of running more often than not will always be on the list. I will continue to run for me and nothing else. Run because it keeps me fit, run because it helps me think through my thoughts, run because I can and I am very grateful for that.

4 | Educate myself on feminism ---> Feminism... often perceived as such a dirty word. So many stigmas and negative connotations, I myself have to admit, it wasn't a word I wanted to associate myself with. My experiences with the term sadly has been on the frustrating side. Women putting down other women if they aren't portraying their ideal of what a feminist should be, talk like, look like. Man haters, against child rearing, and anti any and all things pink! After having many talks with much more intelligent women than myself like little k and other proud feminist friends, I began to realize and understand that the only way to change the stereotype was to own the word and project a different image for it. One that I too can be proud of. What I feel the embodiment of a feminist should be. So I'm claiming it loudly and proudly on this here blog, I am a feminist and want to further educate myself on what this means to me. If you have any thoughts on this subject, I'd love to hear them in the comments :)

5 | Laugh more, smile often ---> Another one of those things you may or may not know about with me and my life is that my marriage kind of fell apart. I shared a little insight in this post if you care to read. So it's a safe assumption that I cried a lot this last year. I think I may have cried more in 2016 than I had in the whole of my life combined previously. And that's ok, I needed to let it out. In a weird, round about way, I had one of the saddest, hardest, most challenging years ever that was also filled with so much love, support, and many things to be grateful for. And while I did get to experience a trip of a life time and do something that many others may only dream about doing, I think I quite possibly cried in each and every state I ventured through, each national park I explored in, each bed I laid my tired soul to rest on. Slowly though the journey, people touched me in ways I didn't think strangers could and made me start smiling again. Shyly at first, I had been so out of practice! And the further I continued east and the more I allowed life to happen as it willed, the more I smiled. That smile eventually turned into laughter and it felt good, great! The heartbreak was still there but it was beginning to heal. The growing pains ached but I could see hope on the other side. I've always been a smiley, all teeth showing kinda person so to lose such a distinctive part of me also felt like I had lost my identity in a way. So now that it's feeling more natural again, I fully intend on smiling more and to everyone. And laughing, yea, that too. I'm talking laughing so hard from deep within your belly you hardly breath as tears stream down your face, kinda laughing if you want to join!

***Today I am thankful for words... sometimes I have none and sometimes I have too many and sometimes they don't make sense at all but that's ok***

Everything Will Be Ok...

2016-07-28T19:38:00.001-04:00

#everythingwillbeoktour

Ok, where to begin... First off let me start by saying that marriage is tough and anyone who says otherwise is either lying or in denial.

I also want to make it perfectly clear that no one is to blame here. I could say it was my fault for never realizing how dependent I became on him... I could say it was his fault for never speaking up until it was too late... I could say it was both of our faults for not being cut out for traditional marriage... But I'd rather say it wasn't anyone's and we did the best we could.

Marriage... it's something I didn't give much thought about going into and have a whole lot in the last few weeks, months, years as it unraveled. I'm not sure if marriage suited me or rather, maybe I didn't suit it? I think the problem (maybe) was that I was stuck somewhere between traditional and modern without realizing it. As far back as I can remember I've been taught to be a strong and independent woman. You can do anything, you can conquer it all, the world is yours to do as you wish. And so I did! That role I knew how to embody and so I thrived. But what happens when you get married (which is change enough already) and you move to a foreign country where you struggle to find work, make friends and just basically rely on someone else to be your absolute everything? Walking into marriage with some traditional expectations without even realizing it while making it perfectly clear that I had no intentions on being a traditional wife, let alone a housewife (not that that's what he wanted either). Sitting on the sidelines and watching in frustration as the person you're supposed to love unconditionally thrives in his career and you experience an overwhelming mixture of pride/resentment for him and pity/anger towards yourself is something I didn't expect or know how to cope with. And it happens more than you think, just no one's willing to talk about it. Trying to find the balance when everything seems and feels and looks so off balance to you that you don't even know what it should be like, let alone know if it's possible to restore. Losing all faith in yourself, confidence on the floor, feeling like the world's worse wife and still you carry on with a smile on your face because surely things will fix themselves in time and if you don't say them out loud, then maybe, just maybe they'll go away.

Then we moved again and I had such high hopes/expectations (you'll notice I use that term a lot and that was one of my mistakes) for LA. This will be our new beginning, our chance at that honeymoon phase we never had except that for various reasons, that wasn't the case here either. You can't fix something without really evaluating the problem and simply treating the symptoms... Everything seemed so easy for him, a seamless transition into a foreign country and yet I continued to struggle. I didn't know it at the time but I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for a few years now and while everything was spiraling downwards quickly, I only blamed myself (sometimes/often him). I remember crying at thoughts of old me and wondering how I had gotten to be the way I was now, so sad and insecure. I used to be happy and full of life... what happened? Was it my fault? Was it my marriage's fault? I didn't know how to separate the two that had become so deeply entwined. Who was I? I was a failure therefor my marriage was a failure therefor I was a failure and the viscous cycle just kept on repeating in my head. Thinking back, he did everything he could and man I must've been hard to love. He tried and tried and tried until he couldn't which given the circumstances, is understandable. Dealing with someone who suffers from depression and anxiety is rough but dealing with someone that isn't diagnosed and keeps insisting that they are fine and can fix everything on their own, don't need any help thank you, is even harder! I was after all, the world's greatest pretender and fool them all I did. No one had any idea just how sad I was, him included. Sometimes I think I even managed to fool myself but I'll save the details of that journey for another post...

So after years of trying, we decided to separate. Or rather he thought it was best we did and I cried and begged and pleaded all the while thinking that he may be right. We still loved each other deeply but the way things were/had been going, it was only going to lead to more sadness and heartbreak. He said we should focus on our individual happiness and not try to force us anymore. Can you imagine hearing that from the person you love? And what was even worse was that I didn't know what made me happy anymore. Sometimes I feared that maybe I could never feel happiness again to be completely honest. "But I need you and I can't..." I would whimper. Surely I would die. And then I'd remember how when we first met and were falling crazy fast, head over heels in love with each other and I was at the height of my independence/happiness I told him once "I don't ever want to need you. I want us to be to individuals that chose to be together because we love each other"... shit, fuck!

I can be so reckless sometimes... reckless and stubborn... reckless and stubborn and blind...

I am an emotionally passionate wrecking ball that loves and feels too deeply always. I can spend years building something and then in a moment of anger/frustration/sadness tear it all down. The let me run away before you can hurt me more and I'll show you, I don't need anyone kind of personality that you love and hate simultaneously. So naturally that's just what happened. It was all or nothing in my eyes and in my hurt I decided that if he couldn't try anymore, than neither would I and I'd just forget him. Divorce is such an ugly word. It's daunting to think about, let alone say out loud. It's like they want you to feel like a failure with a label like that one. I kept trying to decide how to say it best for when you know, the world started asking. I settled on "we're splitting up"... felt less invasive, less ugly.

I think I may have been going through the various phases of grieving at this point... denial, anger, bargaining (I won't even embarrass myself further by explaining this one), depression and then finally acceptance. One day I was wandering through the Rose Bowl flea market and it just hit me, he's right (hate it when that happens!). The ultimate goal in life is happiness and that's what we should be after. If it leads us back to each other (which I whole heartedly hope it does) then that's great and if it doesn't, it won't really matter in time because at long last, we'll be happy. He used to complain that I never listened and he was right, I only heard what I wanted to hear. Fear of judgement and my own preconceived notions of what was right and wrong, black or white just didn't fit our situation. I needed to focus on myself and rebuild from within. Then and only then, could there be hope for a possible us in the future (after everything I am still a hopeless romantic optimist at heart) if that was the way things were meant to pan out. So I put on my big girl pants and announced to him that we could try the grey area, separation... not quite married, not quite divorced, on our own terms and by our own rules. I knew then that this would mean a lot of uncertainties, a lot of uncomfortable moments so we agreed we would try this as long as it worked for us. Then I asked myself where I would be if I could be anywhere and he wasn't a factor in my decision making and the answer came up from deep within my soul, New York. It's the last place I remember being truly happy and fiercely independent. Something about that city just challenges you to be your very best and I felt like I was ready for that challenge!

So I'm assuming you guys have either read or seen Eat, Pray Love, well this is kind of like that but different. No Italy, at least not yet... Not at all inspired by it, just a coincidence. It wasn't until someone pointed it out that I decided I needed to reread it and man, at times it feels like it could've been written about my life right now but like I said, different. Almost overnight I had decided, Brooklyn and I would head to NYC! I had always promised him I'd take him to where he was named after and finally the time had come. I could feel the growing pains as I started to spread my mental wings and question my own ways of thinking, squashing the doubt and the insecurities. For about two seconds pity and sadness managed to shake me when the thought of the cross country road trip I had been planning on doing with him one day seemed to die in front of my eyes. Then anger (not so bad when applied appropriately) made me ask myself, "Well why couldn't I just do it myself? Wasn't dependency the root of my problem and didn't I need to fix that not only for my own sake but for the sake of any possible relationships in the future?!" And so that's how I went from being overly dependent to completely independent. Like I said, wrecking ball.

I decided this could be my chance to reinvent myself. To take the good and leave behind the bad because as much as I didn't like who I had become as Jackie Beale, new Jackie couldn't exist without her long and often painful journey. And the old Jackie Lugo that I had so desperately continued to search for, well I had to come to terms with the fact that she was now something of the past. Now I would be just Jackie... maybe Jackeline? Of course I did what most girl's would do under these circumstances, I dyed my hair, got some tattoos, packed my car up (and my cat) and headed east.

So anyways, that's the story of how the #everythingwillbeoktour was born, because no matter the outcome, I genuinely believe that everything will be ok in time. I have tears of sadness and happiness running down my cheeks as I sit here and write this all out, realizing just how far I've come and everything that it's taken for me to get here. It has been an incredible journey and I have had the good fortune of meeting some of the most amazing people along the way, each touching my heart exactly when I needed it most. And as bittersweet as this journey has been, I know that I can't have the good without the bad and I wouldn't be doing this without his encouragement. He always believed in me, even when I couldn't. I still have a long road ahead and I don't expect it to be smooth sailing but I'm ok with that.

So who am I now? I'm just a girl who lost herself in marriage and is on a journey to find herself again (with her cat), embracing all the adventures and bumps and bruises along the way.

Feel free to follow us along on this crazy journey of ours on instagram ---> made.with.love.by.jackie & jackie.the.crazy.cat.lady

>>>This is deeply personal and still pretty raw for me so please be kind. If you have no nice thoughts or comments that's totally ok, but then I'd rather you keep them to yourself. Only hope and positivity allowed, thank you!

***Today I am thankful for a newfound perspective on, well just about everything! I can really change the way you experience things***

Beautiful Messes...

2016-06-06T09:00:00.000-04:00

^^^beyond excited at this point!^^^

^^^the spread^^^

^^^ the ridiculously talented oh so lovely dana^^^

^^^folding away like i know what i'm doing^^^

^^^memorizing indigo dye & bubbles^^^

^^^ta-da!^^^

^^^such a beautiful mess^^^

^^^my babies!^^^

Fabric dying is something that has always seemed a bit intimidating to me, fashion degree and all. Picking out already fabulously dyed and printed fabrics, no problem! But actually doing it myself... well let's just say it's one of those things that was always way too scary for me to actually do myself so I never bothered. Thankfully Dana walked into my life at one of my last gigs and her genuine enthusiasm and passion for all things dye and fabric related was so catchy that I got curious. It also helped that she had this yearning to further explore and teach herself and from that Warp & Weft Dye Co. was born... and you better believe I jumped on that!

After months of eagerly hearing about her new adventures with it all, our schedules finally lined up and I was able to sign up for my very first shibori indigo dye class. You guys, it was love at first dye!!! This whole working with yours hands has been such a therapy for this overwhelmed brain of mine. Not really having any expectations of what I wanted to create, I just let my instincts guide me (and Dana too of course). Since this was my first time, it was hard for me to fully understand what my folds, the clamps, rubber bands and shapes would do to the dye or what the outcomes would be. I'm such a visual learner, I literally have to do things myself and watch the process from start to finish for the dots to all connect. I mean sure, she tried her hardest to explain that wherever these things were the dye wouldn't penetrate, acting as a dye resist... and I just nodded along like "yea, ok Dana".

Waiting patiently (or as patiently as I could manage while downing the champagne) for my fabrics to absorb the dye was pretty hard. When I finally couldn't take it anymore and decided that I didn't want my stuff to be too saturated anyways, I frantically opened up my projects and it was like my birthday and christmas combined! The grin on my face grew wider and wider with every reveal of my work. What I learned was that somehow my style was mainly geometric and pretty precise. Clean shapes, lines and patterns which was perfect because I'm not a huge fan of overly traditional tie-dye but that's just me. It was so great seeing how even though we had all done and followed the same techniques, because all of us in the class are so uniquely different when it comes to our creative visions, all of our things were very distinct from each other. And yet we all had a similar style within our bodies of work. And now I get it... I GET IT!!!

If you're local to the LA area or happen to be passing by, I highly urge you to check out one of these classes. The learning experience and creativity of it all was so much fun plus I got to hang with some really lovely ladies for the day. If you're too far don't fret, you can also pick up one of her at home dye kits with easy peasy beginners instructions. Intimidating, maybe... but the beauty of this is that there really are no mistakes to be made. It's all a beautiful mess and sometimes the most wonderful creations come from when we let go of that control.

***Today I am thankful for Dana and her amazing dye class... I'm a dye hard fan now!***

Local LA: Poke-Poke

2016-05-21T07:00:00.000-04:00

^^^order at the window^^^

^^^food with a view^^^

Poke-Poke // 1827 Ocean Front Walk, Venice CA 90291

I've been meaning to share this gem of a place for the longest time and the time has finally come! If you're a local to Venice (and maybe even Santa Monica) you may already about this place, but just in case, I'm telling everyone anyways! Tourists visiting, listen up! When your'e strolling down the Venice boardwalk (which we all know you will do) make sure to keep your eye out for Poke-Poke, an absolute must have. The ordering window is to the side of the building so it can be kind of easy to miss but there is usually a line of eager customers waiting to order so just get in line behind them.

Poke is a delicacy that originates from Hawaii and consists of mainly fish, in this case ahi, which is marinated in soy sauce, sea same oil, onions and sesame seeds for starters. From there you can customize your poke since they make them to order which also means your getting the freshest bite. I like adding avocado and spices to mine but skies the limit really. And on top of all that goodness, it's actually a pretty healthy dish too so it's a win-win!

***Today I am thankful for the delicious and healthy goodness that is Poke-Poke!***

Weaving Dreams...

2016-05-20T07:00:00.000-04:00

^^^isn't marryanne moodie just the cutest?!^^^

^^^drinking & weaving^^^

^^^her gorgeous examples^^^

I have a kind of an embarrassing confession to make but here goes anyways... I became completely obsessed with the idea of weaving when I came across Marryanne Moodie on instagram. I mean I fell head over heels with her designs, her use of color and texture, pretty much everything really. She was teaching weaving classes in Brooklyn at the time and I remember thinking how jealous I was to be on the opposite coast and also how unlucky it was that I hadn't discovered her while I was living in Brooklyn. One of those funny life things, you know? Anyways, when she started selling beginners weaving kits, I instantly jumped for joy and bought one as quickly as possible. And then it sat in my closet floor for a year (A WHOLE YEAR!) and that my friends is my sad/embarrassing confession.

You see the thing is, I had gotten to a place in my life where I was tapped out of creativity. Sure I could still appreciate and admire creativeness when I encountered it, but left to my own devices, I didn't have it in me to initiate the spark that it required to be re-born. I felt so completely frustrated with myself for not being able to just pick up the loom and start weaving due to lack of inspiration so I just hid it. Then one day Marryanne announced that she was going to be touring to teach classes and L.A. was on the list so I signed up without a second thought. I just knew this was the push I needed/had been waiting for (maybe?) and just went with it. Well I'm happy to share, it worked! It filled my heart and soul with the spark I had been craving, inspired me to the utter most brim and got my creativity flowing again! It felt like a dam had burst and I was finally able to feel that hunger for making things again! So thank you again Marryanne, you have no idea just how much that class meant to me!

***Today I am thankful I got the chance to meet and learn from the lovely marryanne!***

Travel Guide: Second Line

2016-05-19T07:00:00.000-04:00

^^^look at that lil' guy!^^^

^^^street cart jambalaya^^^

^^^she had killer moves^^^

^^^parading past some colorful houses^^^

^^^wink, wink^^^

^^^could be related to snoop dog?!^^^

^^^people out on their porches to catch the excitement^^^

^^^the parade was in her honor!^^^

Parades and carnivals are pretty much staples when it comes to New Orleans history and culture so it was pretty exciting when we just happened to stumble across one during our visit. I say lucky but apparently they happen pretty frequently around those parts and so maybe not so much luck but awesome city norms. I briefly touched on some of the parade highlights in this post, but felt the need to include more pictures in a separate post of it's own so here you go! This is what I like to call views from a short person participating in her first second line... or something a little less complicated ;)

***Today I am thankful that I got the chance to experience what a second line is all about!***

Travel Guide: New Orleans

2016-05-18T18:23:00.001-04:00

New Orleans... what a truly magical place! I'd never been before but had always heard about it's beautiful architecture, musically infused culture, mouth watering cuisine and of course, it's carnival scene so it's been on my list of places to visit for as long as I can remember. When a good friend decided we should go in celebration of our birthdays, all coincidentally within days of each other, it was a no brainer. At a point in my life where everything's been a little messy and unclear, I decided to surrender and let the universe, or in this case New Orleans take care of me... and it did! From lucking out on my flights and snagging last minute aisle seats to the company I was with, it was all exactly what I needed, when I needed it. It was really nurturing to go with the flow and just let the natural rhythm of this pulsing city run through me. I'll definitely be back and hopefully soon!

*Side Note: I had been reading The Alchemist and they talk about the notion of the universe conspiring to help you achieve what you want which in my case is happiness and peace of mind so that's what I'm talking about up there ;)

>>>DO...

^^^this is the face of pure happiness!^^^

House of Dance & Feathers // 1317 Tupelo St, New Orleans LA 70117

If for no other reason, I highly encourage you to visit this place solely to meet and be charmed by the founder and curator, Mr. Ronald Lewis. He is happiness embodied and honestly being around him lifted my spirits in ways I can't even begin to describe! If I could just see him every morning or somehow capture that magical spirit of his in a bottle and open it when needed, I'd never have bad days. But aside from the awesomeness that is Mr. Lewis, his mission to preserve and educate the generations to come on the culture and tradition of everything carnival is in itself, amazing. I've never seen so much bedazzled, sequined, beaded and feathered items all collectively in one space and each piece painstakingly done by hand with a lot of love. If you really want to understand the heart and soul of a city like New Orleans, stop in here for a good chat and plenty of eye candy.

^^^eiree abandoned structures^^^

^^^lots of color^^^

Lower Ninth Ward // New Orleans

Walking around the Lower Ninth Ward was a very surreal and eye opening experience. You'll find a mixture of runned down, decaying structures and overgrown, abandoned fields. Although it's been over ten years since hurricane Katrina, a lot of this area stands exactly as it was left after the devastating natural disaster. Dotted through out you'll also find graffiti and the odd rebuild, usually in some sort of stark colorful contrast in comparison to the ruins that surround it. It's something that really needs to be experienced in order to fully understand the deep impact that such an event had in shaping the history of the city.

Confederate Memorial Hall Museum // 929 Camp St, New Orleans LA 70130

So I'll start by saying up front, this museum might not be for everyone and that's totally ok. I for one believe that history should be learned from and the best way to do so is to try and understand, or at least explore things from both sides. Embedded deep in the roots of New Orleans' culture is race, segregation and war. The Confederate Memorial Hall Museum also happens to be Louisiana's oldest museum and houses one of the most uniquely curated collections on exhibit today. The building itself is gorgeous and if you're into history, it's certainly worth a visit.

^^^she was feeling it^^^

Lower Garden District // New Orleans

The Lower Garden District is basically an industrial playground with endless brick, iron gates and tons of hidden gardens tucked away in little side alleys. If you're into strolling through beautiful architecture dotted with cafes, restaurants, cute little shops and bars galore, this is the perfect spot. Enjoy getting lost!

^^^caught in the wind^^^

^^^beads!^^^

French Quarter // New Orleans

What can I possibly say about the French Quarter except that it might possibly be one of the prettiest places I've seen so far in the U.S. and it was love at first sight for me! Swirly iron balconies surrounding pastel and brick buildings with so much culture literally spilling out into the streets. From artists lining the roads with their eclectic art to that funky jazz oozing from practically every corner... Did I mention I had a moment with chasing bubbles and we spotted a tree covered in the quintessential beads New Orleans is so lovingly known for?! Both equally whimsical and childish and exactly what my heart had been needing. The French quarter is possibly one of the happiest places on earth, like a Disney of sorts but for a adults... in a cool way!

Bourbon Street // New Orleans

Bourbon Street, the infamous street where you can pop in and out of bars with your made to order alcoholic beverage in a to go cup and sip freely (and legally) without a care! Yes it's true and so of course, when in New Orleans right?! There strip is filled with your choice of bars with all the dancy tunes and live music of your little hearts desire! Follow the neon signs and possibly get a poem written about you along the way (we did!) as you make friends with all the lovely party animals out for a good night. Did I mention this is were the happiest drunks I've ever met in my life are?! Well done Bourbon street, well done.

Join a Parade // New Orleans

Another well known aspect of the city that parties all day and hardly sleeps is their love for all things carnival like and parades. Apparently anyone can easily request a permit and with a fee, host their own parade! Luckily one just happened to be going down on Sunday (but they happen really frequently) and so naturally we did what you would expect, we joined it! Second lining (following behind the main parade in dance) is very popular and actually encouraged by these fun loving folk. We danced in a lost haze through the streets of New Orleans for nearly two hours before moving on and that was only the half way point of the parade! I'll be sharing some more pictures in a separate post because man oh man, the fashion was so on point it just has to be highlighted.

Faulkner House // 624 Pirates Alley, New Orleans LA 70116

This charming little bookstore is a must for any book lovers. Originally part of William Faulkner's home, it now houses some rare editions and out of print originals as well as a finely curated assortment of literature. Book signings happen here from time to time so make sure you check their website's calendar before you visit!

Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo // 739 Bourbon St, New Orleans LA 70116

Voodoo, witchery, magic... all heavily entwined in New Orleans rich culture so if you're into that sort of thing (and even if you're not) I highly encourage you to check out one of the many shops catering to this. Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo is a great one where I bought myself a love candle that would later catch my desk at home on fire but that's a whole 'nother story. We also decided to get our tarot cards read because I don't really believe in anything strongly enough nor do I disbelieve in anything strongly enough and if ever there was a time and place, well this was certainly it. When in New Orleans and all that. We actually had them read at this other shop called Hex Old World Witchery because they offered shorter, 15 minute long sessions which was about as much as I could handle. The experience was intense to say the least... My heart was pounding, my head was swimming, my pits were sweating and I kept repeating over and over in my head "don't cry, don't throw up". It was great!

>>>EAT & DRINK...

Cafe Dauphine // 5229 Dauphine St, New Orleans LA 70117

If you're hanging around and exploring the Lower Ninth Ward, stumble on into Cafe Dauphine who's low key vibes and cajun-creole fusion will not only hit the spot, but dazzle your taste buds too. Nestled amongst residential buildings and abandoned structures alike, I really loved how this place let the food do the talking and attracting of customers. We tried the fried stuffed bell peppers, the redfish florentine with garlic mashed potato and crab cakes to share. Worth all of the semi-loss wandering we did before finally finding it.

Wood Pizza Bistro & Taphouse // 404 Andrew Higgens Dr, New Orleans LA 70130

I had a rule that while in New Orleans, I would drink with purpose and not just to get drunk. New Orleans being known for it's bourbon and since I've also been trying to get into whiskey drinking, I decided those reasons would influence my drinking decisions. Here I tried amador's spirit which included amador bourbon and came highly recommended by the bartender (he knew what I was up to!) and it was perfect. Their beer selection was also very impressive if you'd prefer that and did I mention they have pizzas baking in a wooden oven in the corner? What more could you ask for?

Cochon Butcher // 930 Tchoupitoulas Higgens St, New Orleans LA 70130

Pork lovers listen up, this place is basically heaven on earth. Vegetarians need not come. It was all so tasty and we completely relied on our servers expertise (which if you're an adventurous eater I recommend you do this too) in guiding us when it came to ordering. I'm pretty sure we ended up with some sort of pig to start with, pig as the main with a side of pig and then some more pig.

Cafe Du Monde // 800 Decatur St, New Orleans LA 70116

Another staple that you simply can not leave with out having one or a twenty of is the satisfyingly fried and perfectly covered in powdered sugar beignet. You'll be licking the sugar off your fingers it's so good! Wash it down with your choice of coffee or hot chocolate while people watching like we did and relax.

Spitfire Coffee // 627 St Peter St, New Orleans LA 70116

A hidden gem that is easy to miss if you're not on the look out but easily the best coffee in town so worth the hunt. The place is small but has cool vibes with an incredibly friendly and knowledgeable staff. If you like mole then you're in for a treat with their mole cortado (some of us may have ordered two). I myself am not a fan of mole but am still a self proclaimed fanatic of coffee and their latte hit all the right spots and then some.

Arnauds French 75 Bar // 813 Bienville St, New Orleans LA 70112

Do yourself a favor and start by ordering the French 75, the shrimp and andouille calas and the oysters in brochette. Talk about a party in your mouth. You'll probably be so overwhelmingly happy that conversation will just flow and you'll most likely end up ordering another round of the same exact thing. You can try to stray, but nothing else will be as good (talking from personal experience here) so why do it? If you should insist on doing so, remember I warned you. You are welcome.

And that concludes my recap on our birthday trip! We basically ate, drank and danced our way through one of the best cities that I've had the pleasure of exploring. I'm thinking we might have to make it a yearly trip because who doesn't want to dance in impromptu carnivals with strangers and drink in the streets with more strangers? The people of New Orleans had such a cheery and festive vibe about them that was so contagious, I can see why people from around the world flock over to see what it's all about. Till next time NOLA!

***Today I am thankful I let New Orleans take care of me, it really delivered!***

New Orleans in Quotes & Portraits

2016-04-30T15:54:00.000-04:00

"the key to happiness is self preservation. you can't make others happy if you're not happy" -mr. lewis

"you never really know what a beer tastes like til you get to the end anyways" -rich

"i'm less a cheater, more a believer" -rory

"i love you because you sound like a pirate!" -kelly

"i don't want to fuck with the fourth best one" -maude

"i serve alcohol and food to people, sometimes it gets messy" -chris

"in which hole?" -jackie

Just a random assortment of memorable quotes and the portraits of those that uttered them on a recent trip to New Orleans. Some only make sense if you where there and maybe not even then but all are equally priceless...

***Today I am thankful for having found the courage to ask perfect strangers if I could take their picture, the outcome was awesome!***

DC Style...

2016-03-05T10:00:00.000-05:00

I miss chilly weather... there, I said it. I know, I'm in LA and I'm supposed to say things like I love the glorious 75 and sunny weather we have pretty much year round but the thing is... I miss the seasons! And I know, coming from Miami I really don't have much right to demand these things because we had no seasons there either but then I moved away to places like NYC and London and was smitten. And while London doesn't really have much in the way of seasons either (just year round grey) I still got to enjoy in the cozy layering that comes as a fashion right in these cities. Basically all this rambling to say that while LA may have been having a heat wave during xmas, I got to layer it up in DC and here are two of those looks... enjoy!

***Today I am thankful for the chance to wear some cozy layers... I heart the chill***

Travel Guide: Renwick Gallery

2016-03-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

^^^renwick gallery^^^

^^^shindig by patrick dougherty^^^

^^^volume by leo villareal^^^

^^^in the midnight garden by jennifer angus^^^

^^^untitled by tara donovan^^

^^^1.8 by janet echelman^^^

^^^greek slave by hiram powers^^^

^^^folding the chesapeake by maya lin^^^

^^^middle fork by john grade^^^

^^^seafoam and amber-tipper chandelier by dale chihuly^^^

^^^plexus a1 by gabriel dawe^^^

If you've heard all the hype around the Wonder Exhibit at Renwick Gallery, I just have to say that yes, it's all true and totally worth a visit! Where to even begin... so after a two year renovation, the gallery re-opened but in an utmost way. It turned the entire museum into an ongoing flow of large scale installations that let you fully immerse yourself into the artwork. You have no choice but to be swept up, touched and moved by these larger than life beauties. In a different approach, all of the installations were created specially for their space so structure and architecture definitely influenced the art and the way we interact with it. I've never experienced anything like it and it was so inspiring to spend time in each room. Like I said in my DC recap, this was by far my absolute favorite experience and one that I would highly recommend. If you do nothing else, go explore this exhibit that sadly won't stay permanent, so enjoy it while it's around.

It's really hard to chose a favorite installation but I suppose if I had to, shindig by patrick dougherty would come in first with second place being a tie between untitled by tara donovan and plexus a1 by gabriel dawe. There's just something very nest like about shindig that made me feel really cozy and safe. I also really love how organically the installation came to be, with each twig and branch bending or yielding to create the shapes I so love. Would you believe me if I told you that untitled (the white sand pile like) exhibit which causes so much awe and wonder is created from everyday items like styrofoam cups, index cards, tooth picks, more?! Crazy but it just goes to show how it's all a matter of perspective when it comes to how we use things in our lives. This one caused a sense of calm for me and brought out the kid in me as I explored every nook and cranny it had to offer. I have a confession, it took every inch of will power in me not to touch plexus a1 because man, was this one memorizing. At first glance it looks like the rainbows might be created by rays of light but they aren't, they are actually thread! The pictures don't even really do it much justice, it's one of those that you'll have to experience for yourself. That installation left me feeling light and happy because, you know, rainbows...

***Today I am thankful for the chance to explore this truly inspiring gallery... wish I was there right now!***

Jackie-Boy...

2016-03-03T09:00:00.000-05:00

As said to me by a co-worker once "oh, are turtlenecks making a comeback?"

Comeback?! As far as I'm concerned, they never left. Or have I been the only one rocking them for the last five years give or take? Now overalls, those definitely disappeared and I have to admit, I was pretty dead set against them when they started resurfacing. Sure I had a pair or two when I was in middle school and gosh did I love them! But that's exactly what I was afraid of... putting on a pair and feeling childish because let's face it, not much has changed since then in the body department. But working in fashion can have it's perks (aka freebies!) and so once it had been made pretty clear that these things were here to stay, I decided, why not try a pair...

Overalls and turtlenecks... two things that would seemingly never go together and yet somehow, they just work! I think the key to pulling off this look is making sure that the overalls have a more updated silhouette like a skinny fit so they make you feel sexy tomboy and not just pre-pubescent teen. If you're a shorty like me, cropped or rolled cuffs that show some ankle give the allusion of height which I'm all for. Since I was walking all around D.C. in this outfit, I thought I'd keep it casual in some comfy sneakers, further embracing that boyish look. Throw in an oversized grandpa sweater and well, just call me jackie-boy!

***Today I am thankful that tomboy chic is now a thing... because I've totally made it my thing***

Travel Guide: Washington DC

2016-03-02T21:01:00.001-05:00

This year for christmas we decided to mix things up a little and instead of our usual heading down to Miami for the holidays, we all met in DC where little k lives. Hubs and I had never been before and I eagerly welcomed some sort of winter like weather for a change. Trading palm trees for different palms trees just wasn't going to cut it for me this year. And while little k was disappointed that it wasn't the white christmas she had been hoping for us all to experience, it was still pretty darn cold! Living in Cali has made me (and hubs) loose all tolerance to any kind of cold so yes, we were shivering in our coats in 40 degree weather. Kinda sad when that was a breeze just a few years ago but it happens. The weather was grey and rainy and I couldn't have loved it more! My hair and all that humidity it wasn't used to anymore, not so much... but then that's why we have hats right?! This post is kinda lengthy but hopefully it'll be helpful to anyone planning a trip to DC. Feel free to read, bookmark for future use, or just scroll through the pics.

>>>DO...

^^^washington monument^^^

^^^he actually jumped in my shot but i love it!^^^

^^^national world war ii memorial^^^

^^^where my heart is^^^

^^^lincoln memorial^^^

^^^lincoln memorial reflecting pool^^^

^^^good ol' abe^^^

^^^korean war veterans memorial^^^

^^^jefferson memorial^^^

^^^martin luther king jr memorial^^^

National Mall // Washington DC

Of course DC is littered with more monuments and memorials than you could possibly imagine or even want to see, but that's part of it's charm! An easy way to hit up a bunch of the major ones pictured above is tackling the National Mall. I looked a bunch up and kind of scavenger hunted them with little k and she was ever so patient! Funny thing is that even after years of living in DC, there were still some she hadn't seen so you're welcome for that little k! Also sprinkled throughout this area are a plethora of museums but we decided to focus on solely on the outdoor things since it wasn't raining and that my friends is rare for winter time in DC...

^^^united states capitol ^^^

^^^they humored me on my scavenger hunts^^^

^^^library of congress^^^

^^^supreme court of the united states^^^

^^^robert a taft memorial^^^

Historical Buildings & Monuments // East Capitol St NE & First St SE, Washington DC 20004

Like I said, there are tons! You can quite easily just pick one you really want to see and then google map the area around it to see what comes up. That's basically what I did with the capitol building, located just east of the National Mall. By now my parents had arrived and although they'd been here a few times before, they eagerly came along on another one of my scavenger hunts for historical things. I think that's one of the things that I really miss about the north east, the history and it's rich architecture. I wandered around like a wide-eyed tourists and snapped E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G!

^^^the white house^^^

The White House // 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington DC 20500

I mean this one is like the creme dela creme as far as historical sights goes in DC right? You can't possibly expect me to have come all this way with out a glimpse of the white house do ya? My only complaint, I didn't get to see Obama...

^^^us botanic garden^^^

U.S Botanic Garden // 100 Maryland Ave SW, Washington DC 20024

This place is simply beautiful so if you're a flower/plant lover like my mom and I, definitely set a few hours aside for this visual treat. We lost ourselves in the gardens outside and wandered through all the various climates in the greenhouse while I tried to photograph everything because I knew my memories just wouldn't be enough! It was funny to me to see all of the cacti and succulents I've grown to love in Cali sitting here on the east coast. They also host evening concerts and we managed to catch one which just made the visit extra special! Nothing says christmas quite like smooth jazz and thanks to Tony Craddock Jr. we had just that.

^^^part of the berlin wall^^^

^^^ political cartoon by doug marlette^^^

Newseum // 555 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington DC 20001

Trying to get hubs into museums is no easy task! And so little k and I brainstormed and thought this might be more up his alley. Filled with all kinds of hands on and relevant exhibits, this choice was a huge success! To quote hubs - "possibly my most favorite museum ever" and that is major in case you were wondering. The museum focuses on news, the impact it's had in our lives across the world and how it's evolved with technology. Something that is easily taken for granted in our modern over sharing days is stripped down to it's very origins and that's pretty incredible to witness.

^^^installation by gabriel dawe^^^

Renwick Gallery // 1661 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington DC 20006

This was by far my absolute favorite experience in DC out of all the things we did. I left feeling revived, energized and beyond inspired. I won't even go into too much detail here because I think this exhibit deserves (NEEDS!) it's own post so stay tuned...

The Howard Theatre // 620 T St. NW, Washington DC 20001

We caught the Drag Salute to the Divas show one night and what a treat it was! The host was super sassy and just rolling with the jokes all night long. As a first timer to drag anything, I was pretty impressed by most of the acts. The show included a lot of costume changes, a lot of sequins and a lot of larger than life numbers! You can order food here too but that's definitely not the main reason to come for if you know what I mean...

>>>EAT & DRINK...

Concessions at National Mall // Washington DC

While out hunting for monuments and what not, little k and I worked up quite a hunger and we just happened to be passing one of these concession stands so we thought, why not? I tell you, nothing hits the spot quite like a salty dog lathered with the works and washed down with fountain soda. It all felt so very American (you can decide if that's a good thing or not) and while I normally wouldn't have gone for something like this, it just fit.

Bar Charley // 1825 18th St NW, Washington DC 20009

My sister lured me here with promises of the most delicious fries I'll ever try, topped with a fried egg because runny yolk and well yum! Not that you have to do much to get me to a bar but still, she delivered! The catalan fries are this mountain of goodness, seasoned to perfection with chimichurri, queso fresco, and a runny egg... and we we knew our burgers came with fries but you can never really have enough fries and so we really went for it... They also do some pretty yummy craft beers so it was a win-win in my book.

The Pig // 1320 14th St NW, Washington DC 20005

My sister lured our dad here with promises of amazing pig anything and again, she delivered! It looks like it's a seasonal menu but we sampled a bit of everything and seriously, you can't go wrong. All of the meat was so tender and full of flavor, I especially loved their mac and cheese with truffle crust, yum! Maybe not the best of places if you're a vegetarian, but if you're a meat lover with a soft spot for pig, this place is for you!

Rural Society // 1177 15th St NW, Washington DC 20005

Entrana also known as skirt stake or churrasco... enough said. Seriously, just do yourself a favor and go!

Cafe DuPont // 1500 New Hampshire Ave NW, Washington DC 20036

So this was a new one for us, not the whole having brunch on xmas day thing but, the having brunch out with sparkly mimosas and fancy eggs was! When in DC, am I right?! The salmon benedict was perfect and overall, everyone had good things to say about their meals. Xmas brunch, nailed it!

Jack Rose Dining Saloon // 2007 18th St. NW, Washington DC 20009

My sister lured hubs here with promises of all the whiskey his little heart could possibly desire and man was he over the moon with the sheer volume of choices! What can I say, little k really knows her audience it seems. Remember that scene in Beauty and the Beast when they're in that wonderful library with floor to ceiling bookshelves and that incredible rolling ladder used to get to the really high ones? Well just replace the books with whiskey bottles and that's pretty much what you've got going on in this place. They carry the largest selection of scotch and whiskeys in the U.S. and even have a specialist that can help you in making the right choices be it a dram, a tasting flight, or a specialty cocktail. Oh and their food is pretty darn good too!

Lincoln // 1110 Vermont Ave. NW, Washington DC 20005

Butternut squash tator tots you guys! I mean the menu is filled with so many mouth watering options it took me a minute (or 15) to figure out what I wanted but the tots, that was a done deal as soon as I heard about them. I ended up going with the Pennsylvania chicken pot pie and hubs went for the shrimp and grits, both highly recommend by our server. It was pretty chilly and rainy outside so our choices really hit the spot. Unlimited coffee and all kinds of quirky Lincoln inspired decor make this place worth a visit if you're in the hood.

So there you have it, the highlights of our trip! You can also find any and all of my travels on instagram under the #MWLtravels tag. If you're familiar with DC or have been before, let me know of any must do, eat, drink or shop places in the comments for my future trips because you know I'm already scheming the next one...

***Today I am thankful for my first ever trip to DC... believe you me, it won't be my last either!***

A Lovely Month: February Edition

2016-03-01T20:37:00.000-05:00

>>>follow along & see more here!<<<

1 // i wanna be like you... 2 // keep moving forward... 3 // super bowl! 4 // easy girl... 5 // sucker for love... 6 // snail mail! 7 // self portrait 8 // valentine's hike 9 // grandma in training... 10 // brunching & poolin 11 // marked... 12 // LA views... 13 // morning stroll... 14 // road trip must! 15 // vegas baby! 16 // feeling lucky?! 17 // birthday boy... 18 // pool side... 19 // because #vegas // partners in crime 21 // z's & d's... 22 // neon pop 23 // dye baby, dye! 24 // leap day run...

***Today I am thankful for such an inspiring month... ready to start another one!***

More Like Goals: 2016 Edition

2016-02-08T18:04:00.003-05:00

taken on day 4 of the Inca Trail, 2015

So here it is folks... my 2016 goals after some thought, review of last years goals and consideration. You can see how I made out with last years goals in my review here and just a warning, over all, it wasn't too great. But hey, that's ok because it gives me the chance to improve and that's awesome.

1 | Trust my intuition ---> I've been told by my therapist (yep, I have one and I'll share more on that later) that I have insanely killer intuition and instincts. I'm actually so sensitive (both a blessing and a curse) that I can easily read people and pick up on their overall vibe after a short meeting. Now I'm not saying that I don't get it wrong sometimes, but after a lifetime of experience, more often than not, I've found myself thinking "If only I had trusted my inner gut feeling about this person." Only problem is that I also suffer from this thing called being way too nice and always wanting/needing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. The old saying "don't judge a book by it's cover" rings over and over in my head, making me feel guilty for my initial feelings and so I override them. This has caused me so many unnecessary headaches and heartaches due to letting people in I had initially been weary of but chosen to give a chance to anyways. So this year I'm going to really try and learn to trust my initial gut feeling about people. If I'm not feeling it or something makes me uneasy about someone, I'm just not going to put the effort in that I normally would have and let it be. Of course I'll still always be super nice to everyone, just prioritize who gets my energy because that stuff is valuable! As I get older I've come to realize that what I want in my life is quality friends, not necessarily quantity.

2 | Focus more on me ---> Take two! I made some initial baby steps on this last year which is a start, but not nearly enough for my liking. Moving into my thirties, I feel like I'm all about self discovery these day. Or rather, re-self discovery. I know who I was in my early twenties but life has had all kinds of ups and downs since then, that my constant quest to find this twentysomething year old version of me has been a failed attempt. Thinking about things, it makes sense because I'm not that girl anymore. By focusing on me, I hope to discover what this girl likes, what makes her tick, what makes her feel more alive and passionate than she could've possibly imagined. I want to try everything, push myself more and take many leaps of faith. I know I'm a creative individual, this will always be true, but what are the new passions in my life that really light a fire inside of me and keep me going for days? I don't know, but ready to find out! #ichoosemefirstgoshdarnit

3 | Make time for love ---> Oh love, so easy when it's new and exciting, it barely needs much tending to. But what about love after the years have gone past, the daily grind sets in and life just constantly gets in the way? It's pretty easy to put it on the back burner and assume it'll be fine. But I'm not ok with that. I want to make a conscious effort this year to make more time for love. It's not always easy because hubs and I have such hectic schedules sometimes, but I also know it'll be worth it. And there are so many ways to show love, be it dating, doing the little things for each other or simply saying it aloud. After reading The 5 Love Languages (also the first book I've fully read in nearly 5 years!), I feel so inspired to bring the love in full force back into our relationship in as many ways as possible.

4 | Cook with purpose ---> I'm pretty sure I've had cooking on my list in past years, but never had much luck with it. Something that's changed in this new year is the way I look at cooking. My goal has shifted into what I call cooking with purpose. What I mean by this is that when I focus on cooking for a bigger, more meaningful purpose to me, I feel more inspired and am more likely to stick with it. Dealing with bouts of depression, anxiety and other symptoms that come along with those things has lead me on a quest to research ways nutrition can help. I stumbled across this book and it's been a game changer! I find myself looking forward to trying new recipes and have even come to see it as a creative outlet and a time for meditation. It's incredible to me how the same thing I once considered a chore has changed once my perspective on it shifted. Now I know that once I start working again it'll be another challenge to juggle it in but since I'm determined to make this a lifestyle change, I'm optimistic that I'll be able to figure it out.

5 | Become a yes woman ---> We've all read the book or watched the movie right? Pretty inspiring stuff! I usually get nervous when it comes to doing new things or putting myself out of my comfort zone but I'm determined to change that this year! I want to become a yes woman (within reason of course) because every time I have done something I've been initially hesitant about in the past, I'm always so happy I did it afterwards. So let's bring on the new experiences and take some chances this year. If you're in the LA area and read my blog, feel free to reach out to hang out! Who knows, maybe I'll finally solo karaoke this year, maybe...

6 | Be more active ---> This would normally be titled do more running but because it's been such a touch and go thing in the last few years and I don't want to pigeon hole myself into anything, I thought it would be better to focus on being more active in general. I want to do more physical things... running, cycling, hiking, rock climbing... indoors, outdoors, in groups, solo... any which way really. I've discovered that I'm truly my happiest self when my body is being challenged and pushed to new limits. Climbing the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu was the proof I needed and a reminder of something I think I already knew deep down inside. I'm not the sort of person that is happy with just sitting around and being. Seeing what my body is capable of never ceases to amaze me, especially since I've never considered myself much of an athletic person. But this little ol' body of mine is a miraculous vehicle that allows me to do so much and especially when my mind is on board. So this year we will work together because really what it comes down to is an infinite circle of being active makes my brain happy which in turn makes me happy which then motivates me to be more active.

7 | Travel even more ---> So this was one of the few that I really nailed last year but that's no reason to stop. I've been bitten by the travel bug and am ready to see more of the world! This year I want to focus on finding ways to incorporate travel into my work since a girl's gotta make a living and what not. My ultimate goal would be to visit Cuba this year and explore the other half of my roots as well as fit in as many weekend trips as humanly possible. I also like the idea of incorporating some sort of physical challenge with most of my traveling. Maybe it's a race or a bike ride or a hike. All I know is that my memories of Peru have more meaning to them and will most likely last longer longer thanks to the Inca Trail quest. There is just so much to explore out there and I want to see, document and share it all with you guys!

8 | Read more ---> So Gone Girl will be read this year!!! There, I'm putting it out there for the world to see and so it has to happen now or I'll never live it down. But aside from that, rather than stress out about the number of books I'll read, I've decided that an easier way to incorporate reading might be by creating a daily must read list of blogs I find inspiring and motivating. Some of my favorites of the moment include The Yellow Blog, Create & Cultivate Blog, Darling Magazine Blog, Dave Trott Blog (actually recommended by hubs), and Madewell Blog. The real beauty about these blogs is that they tend to post once daily or every few days so it's not overwhelming and the articles are easier to digest than say tackling a book. I'm looking forward to creating a routine out of this while I sip my morning coffee and I get to embrace a little me time as well. I love that this will allow me to have access to multiple topics of conversation while also allowing me to re-engage with blogs like I once did. I may add or change my list up as different things peek my interest or become known to me. And as far as book reading goes, I'm just going to let that fall in wherever it may fit when the time is right.

9 | Continue reaching out to loved ones ---> I started last year and I'm kicking it into high gear this year! Making friends in a new city takes time and I've come to terms with that. While I'm still working on that too (see becoming a yes woman above) I've come to realize the importance in maintaining those friendships so dear to me and although they may be far away, I have a killer group of loved ones in my tribe. Reconnecting more through texts, phone calls, skype dates and even snail mail has made such a difference in the last year so why not keep it up? This year I'm also trying to plan some more visits back home and girls weekends so we can all come together and create new memories. It's funny when you realize that you already have the best of friends, they just aren't geographically close but with today's technology, there really are no excuses hu?

10 | Become a ukulele guru ---> Not really but it's no secret that I took up playing last year and LOVED it! I was pretty good about it too while I was taking classes but once that ended, so did my ukulele playing. Not sure why it stopped, but I've really been missing it! It's such a fun skill that both pleases my need to learn and be creative so what's the problem? I guess just time and not keeping it high on the priority list but I want to change that this year. I signed up for beginners lever (again) to kick start my playing (I've always been the good student) and intend to keep it going to the next level! Who knows, maybe my fantasy of starting a band and touring the world while playing my ukulele can become a real thing? Anyone interested in joining the band, let me know!

***Today I am thankful for these new goals of mine... I'm ready kick some ass!***

More Like Goals: 2015 Review

2016-02-07T10:00:00.000-05:00

taken at Machu Picchu, 2015

It's that time of the year again... goal making time! I wish I could say that the reason I've waited until now to post about this is because I wanted to be thorough and really think this through, but that's not true. I mean, I did do those things but that's not the main reason for such a delay in talking or even sharing about it. Or I wish I could say it's because I wanted to be a rebel and not jump on the band wagon that is every other blog hyping up resolutions towards the end/beginning of the year. And while this may also be true in a round about way, again, it's not the main reason. Truth is, I don't have one. I got a slow start to the year and have been taking my time getting comfortable and observing life before feeling ready to really embrace it and join in. I even decided to read last year's goals post and do some reflecting before deciding on what to tackle this new year. So let's do a quick review to see how I did and remember, I'm only human, I'm not perfect and that's just a ok!

2015 Goal Review

1 | Focus more on me ---> I had the best intentions but I'm not quite sure I nailed this one. I know for sure that life, work and some individuals got the best of me and made me loose focus but hey, there's always this year right?!

2 | Date more often and spontaneously ---> Again, I think we tried, we really, REALLY tried but you know what I'm gonna say... life, work, yada-yada. But I'm not ready to give up on this one just yet so...

3 | Travel more ---> YES! Nailed this one for sure! Besides doing some really cool weekend trips that I photographed the bagezus out of with the intentions of blogging about, I also crossed a major one off the bucket list. You might have noticed the caption below the picture above saying something about it being taken in Machu Picchu... boom! Because yes, I did in fact quit my day job and actually do it and man oh man did it feel great/I have zero regrets. Posts about this (and the other trips) coming scattered throughout this year because why not share?

4 | Become a morning person ---> Not just failed, I think I may have even regressed if that's possible. See the thing is that I've been battling depression (more on that later) and when those low times hit, it takes just about everything in me to even make it out of bed some days. But again, nothing that can't be worked on :)

5 | Be outdoors more often ---> I think this one was somewhat accomplished because of the long weekend trips I mentioned above but I could have definitely made more of an effort incorporating it into my everyday life. But baby steps, we all have to start somewhere so I'm pleased with last year's efforts.

6 | Blog more frequently and more honestly ---> With a whopping 12 posts last year, this one was another fail. I thought blogging more honestly would make it easier to blog more often but it was a lot harder than I expected. Not that I didn't want to share the truth, but at times I felt so raw, I just couldn't. Again, that's ok and I'm ready to open back up and start sharing again (I think) so let's see how this year goes...

7 | Look my best to feel my best ---> I'm happy to report that I do think I successfully pushed this one, even through the sad times so yay me! I feel like my style, due in part to the things I've been through and just me changing as I age, has evolved. I feel like I finally (FINALLY!) found the real me and can't wait to share with you guys. Hopefully I can inspire some of you to really hone in on yours...

8 | Read more ---> Ok, I'm not going to admit that I still haven't finished Gone Girl because it's just kind of ridiculous at this point... Nor will I admit that I joined a book club and bought more books, none of which I finished... I'm just not.

9 | Reach out to those I love ---> So this one was a slow starter and a painful one at that but I did it. And you know what? It felt so incredibly good to re-connect with some of my favorites and I can't even begin to understand why I thought it would be so scary or didn't do it sooner. This year I'm gonna tackle people in person (not literally) and I'm excited about it!

10 | Start running again ---> Well I started... and then I stopped. And then I started again and was a little more consistent, until I wasn't. And repeat that through out the year and it basically sums up my running. I just wasn't feeling it and forcing myself to run made me feel frustrated rather than uplifted, so I stopped...

So there we have it folks, me and my goals under the microscope for the world to examine. After reviewing, I have to admit two things:

1. I never re-read last year's post or reviewed my goals throughout the year to see how I was doing, not even once. I think this year I'll definitely go back and check in from time to time to see what needs more work and what's coming along finely.

2. Reading it now and seeing my short comings hasn't been easy. But I've decided to look at it as an opportunity to grow and learn from rather than to get bummed out about it. In 2015 I wobbled a bit but I believe that it will only help me walk stronger in 2016.

How did you guys do on your own personal goals and/or resolutions last year? Did any of you guys check in throughout the year to see how you were doing or did you forget like me? Feel free to share your experiences and your 2016 goals in the comments, I'm always curious to know! Also stay tuned for my 2016 goals coming shortly...

***Today I am thankful for another chance to work on things... we will get this!***

A Lovely Month: January Edition

2016-02-06T03:55:00.000-05:00

>>>follow along & see more here!<<<

1 // coffee daze... 2 // just because... 3 // yes, it's true! 4 // goodnight LA... 5 // raindrops... 6 // eating myself calm... 7 // a wise woman 8 // class is in session 9 // current situation... 10 // LA favorite! 11 // naked statues... 12 // no rest for the weary... 13 // sneaky kitty... 14 // camp circa 2005 15 // down the rabbit hole... 16 // daddy & me 17 // two of us have cats 18 // cute kids 19 // wynwood kitchen & bar 20 // fafinette 21 // selfie time 22 // hello LA! 23 // late night baking 24 // running towards something...

***Today I am thankful for a new year and a new perspective on life... let's do this 2016!***

M Says I Do!

2015-09-30T11:00:00.000-04:00

^^^isn't she just a doll?!^^^

^^^lost some tears right about here^^^

^^^one of my long time favorites!^^^

^^^pda alert!^^^

^^^ her daddy serenaded the newlyweds with the saxophone!^^^

^^^my east coast girls^^^

A few weekends ago I was lucky enough to witness love conquer distance and time yet again! One of my college besties said I do to her love of over a decade. Maybe I have an extra soft spot for their story because it rings so close to my own. American girl meets boy with an accent (this one's German though) and falls head over heels, madly and senselessly in love. Yes, there were many years of hardship and more obstacles to overcome than most young love should have to endure... but they stood the trial of time and distance, making their relationship all the stronger. And so the rest is history and now a new chapter in their romance begins, one where they get to live in the same country! And believe me when I say no one could be happier for the newlyweds than me. I love you both :)

***Today I am thankful that I was able to witness another one of my best friends get married... she was beautiful and he so handsome***

All Work & Some Fun...

2015-07-21T17:55:00.000-04:00

Pics by: Arnelle Lozada for Hudson

Facing Life...

2015-07-15T03:27:00.000-04:00

Cabernet Sauvignon...

2015-03-21T17:13:00.001-04:00