Wanderlust

Goodbye, for now

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 22:41:00 +0000

I want to share two things with you today.

The first is that I am putting Wanderlust on hiatus. I’ve been on a sort of quasi-hiatus for a few months, posting only sporadically. But I’ve decided to make it official. I’m not shutting down permanently. But for the next few months there is a great deal of transition in my world – big changes -- and I need my time, energy and focus on the home front.

For those of you who are sad about this, don’t worry, I’ll be back before too long. For those of you who are expressing glee, steady there. Read to the end of my post.

When I was in the throes of trauma last year, I needed to write. A voice within told me to just keep writing. The engagement and phenomenal support that came from the blogging community was so healing. I could spend the rest of my life saying thank you and it would still feel inadequate.

Today, that same voice is telling me to be silent and to pull my energy in. So I’m listening and trusting.

This is exciting and scary all at once. But more exciting than scary.

I may check in periodically and post something. Or I may not. That’s the thing with being me, I never know what I’m going to do in advance. It’s awesome for spurts of creativity but sucks for planning.

Second, I want to share one important thought with you before I go. Bear with me for a moment as I give you some backstory that informs this thought and also explains the cringe-worthy color of my blog today.

As you are probably aware, the Susan G Komen Foundation, a multi-million dollar charitable foundation supporting breast cancer research and preventive education, has been in the news a lot lately. The Foundation is best known for the Race for the Cure and selling lots and lots of pink products (for the cure). They’ve raised a lot of money for worthy causes. That’s awesome.

However, they came under fire for cutting funding to Planned Parenthood, which provides breast exams for a predominantly low-income population. The maelstrom (which appears to be well documented by internal memos) is that the move was politically motivated because PP also provides abortions.

Since then journalists have been digging deeper into the organization and what they’re coming up doesn’t sit well with the public. For instance, Komen has partnered with weapons manufacturers to produce pink handguns (for the cure). For the record, firearms are the second leading cause of death by injury in the U.S. True, I googled it.

One story, however, particularly bothered me. The Foundation has aggressively sought to censor other organizations that have used the language ‘for the cure’ in their campaigns, claiming trademark infringement. They have filed lawsuits against over 100 other organizations, mostly small, local groups.

According to this article, one family, which runs kite-flying events (Kites for the Cure) to raise money for lung cancer, received a letter from Komen’s lawyers saying they owned the word ‘cure’ and to stop using it. They also reportedly told them never to use the color pink in conjunction with their fundraising.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve been involved in too many legal dealings the past two years. And maybe it’s because I’ve had my own words pulled from my blog and thrown back at me in a courtroom, in what I can only presume was an attempt to distract from the crux of the matter under litigation.

But when I read this last article about Komen, it struck me as simply ridiculous. At best.

There’s a lot I don’t know, but here is one thing I do.

Each of our lives is a dance and we get to choose its orchestration. We hear the music. We decide how to express it. Maybe our dance takes the form of a painting or a ceramic mug or, hey ho, a blog. Maybe we express it by nurturing a sick child or creating a loving marriage or getting an education. Maybe someone we love dies of lung cancer and we are inspired to start an organization to fund research into the disease so that, god willing, one day, we can save someone else from the loss we endured. Maybe we become a monk or a teacher or a financial consultant. Maybe we BLOG FOR THE CURE ™! Maybe we go silent. Maybe we turn our site pink to express our dedication to creative expression (but only for a day, because…ugh…pink).

Maybe no one else sees our dance; or they see it and they call it mediocre.

There will always be those who seek to quash our creations. I hate that, I don’t get it, but it’s true. I read it once in the Manual for Surviving Humanoid Life on Earth.

You know what? Don’t let them.

No one can tell you how to interpret the music in your soul. No one can tell you to stop expressing your creative genius – and each of us is a creative genius. No one owns you or your words or an idea or, for heaven's sake, a color. Don’t accept the boundaries that someone else might place on you.

You owe it to the world to keep on. We're waiting breathlessly to see your dance.

Me, I’m not quitting my dance. I’m simply taking it off-stage for a while.

Over and out, geniuses.

I must be mad

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 06:25:00 +0000

It started like any other Saturday (which is to say I hid under the covers when I heard the kids, wondering for the eleventy-hundredth time why they jump out of bed at 7:00 a.m. sharp on a weekend).

But all was soon to change.

I had 13 seven-year-olds descending upon my house in short order.

When my son told me he wanted to have his party at the house this year (despite my enthusiastic suggestion of a large facility with bouncy equipment), I was stumped. How do you entertain a bunch of seven-year-olds?

And why me?

Nevertheless, I put on my big girl socks and consulted google.

I came up with this: a mad scientist party.

Behold the madness....

We learned about helium

We dyed our own frosting and decorated cookies

Then we got to reach in and pick out our own bug from a gelatin brain

(sorry for poor quality - photographer was doubling as harried party mom)

Experiments were made.

Photos were taken of be-wigged and be-goggled children.

Presents were opened with glee.

Kittens were terrorized.

Unimaginable decibel levels were reached.

I praised the heavens when the last child left.

Next year... I'm totally thinking bouncy equipment.

*** huge thanks to the mom who decided to stay and help (brave soul), and especially to the mad scientist who showed up to entertain the minions - you rock ***

*** boo to the several parents who didn't RSVP, and especially the one who not only didn't RSVP, but also dropped off little brother (and ran) ***

Answers to Australia Day quiz and what the hell do you do with kale?

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 19:03:00 +0000

I know, I know. I don't blog for almost a month and then you get two posts in (technically) one day. I am nothing if not inconsistent.

It's just that when I woke up this morning I checked ~~the calendar~~ Facebook and realized it was Australia Day. Which reminded me that last year I ran an Australia Day quiz because I wanted to see how the quiz feature in google docs worked. An then I never gave you the answers. Which reminded me I hadn't logged onto google docs in exactly a year.

So, while I'm trying to figure out how to get back into google docs, let me share something with you.

Yesterday I read a book on the health benefits of whole foods and was so inspired that I went directly to the grocery store to buy a bunch of leafy green vegetable matter. I came home with, among other things, a huge bunch of kale. Really huge. It takes up half a shelf in my refrigerator.

My fit of inspiration continued. I made carrot soup to freeze, then fed the kids broccoli and fruit for dinner. I ground flax seeds. I made a spinach salad for lunch today. I put almond milk in my coffee. I am practically brimming with phytochemicals.

But back to the kale. I realized I don't have the slightest idea what to do with it.

I open the fridge and look at it and it looks back at me. I close the door, but the next time I open it, the kale is still there.

Fucker.

Please, if you have any kale suggestions, share them with me. I'm losing the staring contest.

Anyway, back to the quiz.

According to the 72 of you who took the time: Melbourne rocks harder than Sydney, you're rich with ore, Armenia is not on your short list, I have the sexiest accent (thank you), and heads up, North Korea is coming south to party.

Oh, and I'm wearing this in my next photo shoot:

I'm rather relieved, to tell you the truth, as this came in a close second:

Do you have any idea how much kale I'd have to eat before I'd wear that in public?

So, seriously. what to I do with the kale?

It scares me...

Battening down the hatches

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 06:25:00 +0000

There is a card in the tarot deck called the Wheel of Fortune. I have always been intrigued by and a bit enamored with it.

It is the wheel of Fortuna, the goddess of Fate. Around and around it turns, bringing us new experiences, opportunities, beginnings and completions -- the rise and fall of our fortunes.

As she delivers to us the fruits of the seeds we have sown, for better or for worse, she teaches us that life is never static and the future is rarely predictable.

I haven't written here in almost three weeks. I've never, in the life of my blog, gone that long without posting.

I have never been very good at writing about the mundane or the trivial when there is something big standing just behind me. I want to turn around and look at the big thing and write about what I see.

Right now, there is something big standing right behind me. Only, I can't make out just what it is.

For one, there is movement on the legal front, finally. Though I've learned not to hold my breath. And for the moment I have to hold my pen.

But it's more than that.

Today I went through the pantry and threw out all the canned food that had expired. Last week I sorted piles of school papers and old bills, shredded a jillion credit card offers. I've been hauling boxes up from the basement and getting rid of stuff I've held onto for too long -- stuff I never needed to begin with.

Anything that's no longer useful -- that's outgrown, outdated, superfluous -- I want it gone. I want my life pared down to the essentials.

I feel like I'm preparing for something, but I don't know what.

There is a voice inside me that is saying: put your house in order, gather your children close, be ready.

That sounds ominous, I know. It doesn't feel ominous. A little scary perhaps, the way the pause at the top of a roller coaster is scary, when you know the freefall is coming.

Blogging, stats, sponsors, social engagement... all of that has lots its pull for the time being. I'll come back to it, I'm sure, but for now I feel like I need to gather my energy back in and preserve it for the coming months.

One thing I do know is that I feel Fortuna's wheel turning. This sense of impending change is almost visceral. I don't know what's coming down the pike, but I'm buckling my seat belt so I'll be ready.

Can you tell which of these is worth $30 million?

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 19:24:00 +0000

I can always count on my friends to send me links to interesting stories. Today they did not disappoint.

The headline for the story is this: Colorado woman punches, rubs her buttocks against $30 million painting.

After reading the article, the burning question I was left with was, "$30 million? Seriously?"

Below are two paintings. One is the $30 million masterpiece from the Denver museum (or, as MSN puts it, 'the painting at the center of the alleged incident') and the other was done by a work colleague's 73-year-old mother-in-law, who was experimenting with a new technique.

Can you tell which is which?

Painting #1

Painting #2

Painting #3

I've included a link to the story below, but before you click on it, tell me in the comment section which one you think was valued at $30 million.

Do you know? Are you having trouble making a decision?

And while we're at it, which woman do you think is the perpetrator at the center of the alleged incident?

Woman #1

Woman #2

Um...okay. Never mind that one.

While the story was fairly thorough, I was left with several unanswered questions:

1. Whose job is it to determine the monetary value of damage caused by buttock rubbing? Is there credentialing for that?

2. Why didn't anyone tell me I was in the wrong line of work? Wish I'd read this news story before reading this. Shiznit.

3. And omg, how much would it hurt to get your throat tattooed? Damn.

Okay, here's the link to the story. How'd you do?

Oh, and for the record. I love the painting hanging in my colleague's office. I smile every time I walk by and see it.

Where the heck have you been?

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 02:28:00 +0000

Today I opened my laptop for the first time in two weeks.

I intended to take several days away from blogging over the holiday, but once I disconnected I found it hard to get back online. I realized how good it felt just to rest and relax.

Mostly, I just played with the kids, who are on their winter break. As Glow would say, we got our craft on.

Pure joy.

We made snowflakes

We painted

and decoupaged (is that a word?)

I even picked up projects I'd put down years ago

(this is a small section of a large cross-stitch of an Amish farm)

But we didn't just craft. We did a jigsaw puzzle and put together Legos and took silly videos of the kitties. We went to Denver and loved on our family there, and they loved on us.

We played in the snow

and got some cool new hats

Here's what I realized. This past year and a half has been full of so much heavy stuff. Heavy realizations, heavy responsibilities, heavy emotions. And there's more ahead.

To spend a couple of weeks playing and immersing myself in activities that were simply joyful was such a welcome relief. Writing brings me joy, too, but sometimes blogging can feel like another responsibility. Maybe you can relate?

I noticed something else, too. The more I relaxed, the more my diet improved. I began craving healthy organic food. Perhaps I could finally hear what my body has been trying to tell me all along.

I began to meditate again, something I used to do often many years ago. I took salt baths and wrote in my journal. I cleaned out files and rearranged the furniture. I bought fresh flowers.

I made a vision board

I realized something else, too.

I really missed you guys.

I'm wishing each of you a 2012 that is filled with everything your soul craves.

And the award for best blog north of Australia goes to....

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 04:50:00 +0000

Hey ho readers, guess what? It's Tuesday and you know what that means?

No?

Well, it's the day that I'm handing out Lusty awards to some of the Best Blogs in a Region that Represents Blogs I Read.

These blogs have been carefully chosen by a panel of three judges (me, myself and I) in conjunction with popularity votes (me again).

So grab a nightcap, sit back and enjoy:

The I love you because you blog without filters and despite the fact you have herpes no not really award goes to Eden at Edenland. Because she does. Blog without filters, that is. Beautiful.

The How the *#!@% Do You Find Time to Blog? award goes to Seven Cherubs. Because seriously, how do you? Seven kids, one awesome blog. I only have two kids and can barely manage. **Respect**

The Thank you for keeping me entertained with Words With Friends award goes to Recycled Relix. And, ahem, it's your move.

The Gives Good Header award goes to Megan at The Byron Life, because the pictures in her header are beautiful and make me feel like the world is a good place afterall. I love that. Thank you.

The Commenter on Crack award goes to Maxabella. Everywhere I go, she's already been. Kudos, girlfriend.

The Entire Nation with Stockholm Syndrome award goes to North Korea, for sobbing uncontrollably at the death of the leader of one of the world's most oppressive regimes.

Oh sorry, that's not a blog, is it?

Focus...

Best blog north of Australia goes to Jadeluxe, a beautifully sarcastic stenographer working in Hong Kong whose gingerbread houses suck a little more than mine. What's not to love?

The Oh hell I'll say it I'm not afraid to risk losing my advertising income award goes to Melissa from The Things I'd Tell You. Rock on, sister.

And...the best blog that discusses pedophilia award goes to Wanderlust (sorry, Barbie, you've met your match on this one).

The I'm so freaking sick of awards, including my own award, I could staples my eyelids shut award goes to all of us. Because right now, at this point in time, we are.

Step up, bow to Gwenyth, claim your awards.

Totally kidding about the herpes people, it's a international inside joke between us grandma bloggers.

I-I-I wanted the Hello Kitty award....

The unspoken

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 21:14:00 +0000

There are words inside me which never make it to the page. When I sit down to write, every thought, every sentence I might pen, is held onto for a moment and tasted, like one rolls a sour candy around in their mouth before deciding to bite.

What if there is reprisal?

This is not how I like to write.

Inside my gut, I feel the dull edges of long silent truths rock up against each other and settle back into place. More often than not, I simply close the computer.

* * *

Our divorce trial is set for February, almost two years after the process began. Two full days have been set aside by the court to deliberate the spoils and obligations of a ten year marriage.

The detectives have said they plan to offer his criminal case to the Feds by the end of January and that, in the unlikely event the Feds turn it down, the County has already agreed to prosecute. Finally, charges are imminent.

What will happen if he is charged? He will be arrested, bail will be set, he will pay it and be out of jail within days. His job of 25 years may or may not be there when he gets out, I don’t know.

But the gig will be up. The news will have hit the papers.

What this will mean for me and the children remains to be seen.

These two events, the divorce trial and the criminal charges, both so long coming, are like two visitors that have been held up in transit, finally arriving long after the dinner plates have been cleared. I see their shadows on the horizon. Sometimes I regard them and think about how their arrival will impact my life. Mostly, I just look away.

No kitty, no!

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 02:28:00 +0000

Yes, kitty, YES!

Photo bombing 101

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 02:51:00 +0000

Tonight I dressed up the kids for our annual Christmas photo to send out with our cards. I know what you're thinking. Um...Kristin, a little 11th hour, aren't we? Well, yes, we are. As usual. But I have a secret weapon under my belt this year for getting my cards out.

Do you remember when I told you about my awesome neighbors, including Joe, who mowed my lawn every week this summer? Well, Joe-the-awesome-lawn-mowing-neighbor works with an outfit called Send Out Cards that lets you design your cards online, upload a list of receipients and mail the cards out, all from the comfort of your favorite couch. Now, that's a goal that even I can achieve!

Score one me.

I was playing around on this website the other day and thought it was so cool that I told Joe that I wanted to post about it. Here's what I love:

You can either use one of their hundreds of existing cards or design your own.
If you choose to make your own you have all kind of options for creative goodness. You can choose from hundreds of background colors and textures, add any text or decorative elements you want, upload and crop photos to include, etc.
It saves your recipients so when a birthday or other occassion comes up, they're already in the system.
You can purchase postage from the website.
Best of all, they have a branch in Australia!
Oh, and if you use this service, it helps Joe in his business and keeps him flush in lawnmower fuel.

So, back to our photo session tonight.

If you've been reading Wanderlust for long you know that a talented photographer, I am not. But I managed to use a needlepoint stand as a makeshift tri-pod for my cell phone.

The first picture was photobombed by a kitten.

In each of the next three one of us ended up with our eyes closed.

Then Anna decided I should take a picture of her holding both the kittens, but at the last minute Dan came up behind her and spooked the kittens and I ended up with this:

Anna, is that a halo I see?

I tried to corral them for more photos, but Dan was insisting on doing rabbit ears behind my head and Anna was crying because the cat had scratched her shoulder when Dan spooked it. And then I noticed the tree was shaking and went over to investigate and found this:

Hmmm...I thinking maybe I have our Christmas picture.

Anyway, my cards are going out first thing Monday. Ish.

If you want to check out Send Out Cards, contact Joe.

Are you on our Christmas card list? If not, email me your addy and you can see how the final product turned out.

* Not a sponsored post. I just like Joe and anything that make my life easier.

Breathing poison

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 22:29:00 +0000

My posting has been light of late. There has been stuff happening in the background – court hearings, namely – and I’ve struggled with whether or not I should talk about it, and if so, how much to say.

I don’t want to dwell on the criminal case. Every time I deal with it, it’s like walking into a thick, dark fog. There is an energy, a very dense and qualmy energy, which accompanies sexual and physical violence and those who participate in it.

Every time I deal with some aspect of these crimes, whether in a courtroom or in my dealings with police or my estranged husband, I have to descend into that energy again and it feels like breathing poison. When I write about this stuff, and when you read about it, we are dipping our collective thoughts into that energy. This is not what I want to share with you.

However, writing about it can be cathartic. Expression acts as a catalyst to clear and heal the places in me where this energy has settled. So I try to tease apart what needs out of my system and what is best left unsaid; what can be helpful and enlightening, and what is simply macabre. It’s a fine line.

Lately, I’ve found myself avoiding my blog and not interacting with others online. When that happens, it usually means I have something I need to get out. It’s like a blockage that needs to be cleared from my heart so that I can feel like myself again.

Today I will be sharing some of what was revealed in recent testimony. I will never reveal anything that would compromise the case, only that which has been shared in a public courtroom. Some of it is disturbing. None of it will make you feel good. You may read it if you wish or you can click away.

* * * * *

I’ve had to return to court several times in recent months. This is not the criminal trial – that investigation remains open. Rather, it’s to litigate issues regarding the children. It’s involved testimony from the forensic detective on his case, the children’s therapist and myself. Mr. X (I’m sorry, I can no longer refer to him as ‘my husband’) has refused to testify, pleading the 5^th.

It’s been sobering, infuriating, jaw-droppingly ridiculous and above all, exhausting. Here are the salient points.

I’m going with bullet points on this one. I don’t feel like telling a story.

The forensic detective revealed that an initial scan of Mr. X’s hard drive, using a program that matches images with known child pornography images, revealed 18,000 matches. (In his second testimony, a few months later, he said 14,000. I don’t know which is correct. I’m not sure it matters. Either number is beyond my comprehension.)
The forensic detective revealed that among the material confiscated from Mr. X’s office were videos of pre-pubescent children doing stripteases.
He also revealed that there were videos of adults having sex with pre-pubescent children.
In my testimony, I discussed items found in the home that suggested Mr. X was either producing or intending to produce his own pornography, including recently purchased professional-grade photographic equipment, video-making software, and a hand-drawn floorplan that showed cameras situated in several rooms, including the bedroom, as well as on a porch outside the bedroom. The floorplans did not match any residence I know of.
I revealed concerns I had regarding the children, which I will not discuss here.
During cross-examination, Mr. X’s attorney suggested that I was trying to damage Mr. X’s reputation with my writing. He lifted a couple of partial sentences out of context from separate blog posts and combined them together to support his argument.
I corrected his misstatement and responded that I shared my own personal experiences and the facts of the situation. If those facts were damaging to Mr. X’s reputation, he would have to accept accountability for that.
Mr. X is alleging that I started my blog “to profit off his court case”, despite the fact that it was clearly started before we ever decided to divorce.
Mr. X’s attorney then accused me of making a great deal of money off my blog. I had to keep from laughing here. Actually, I think I did laugh. I asked what documentation they had of me making money off my blog and he brought up the donations I sought to attend the ABC in Sydney in March. (I’m not sure what the point of this line of questioning was, honestly.)
There was more along this vein. I’ll spare you the details. I don’t think it serves any purpose other than to illustrate the machinations of a very disturbed mind.

There will be more hearings in the coming months. They are physically, emotionally and financially draining. I seem to get sick after each one.

To be quite honest, after the detective shared the evidence about the videos of adults having sex with children, something in me died. I hadn’t known about that.

I don’t know why it should shock me, considering everything else. We hold onto our illusions, don’t we, until the very end? This man, I laid beside him for nine years. He is the father of my children.

But there is more grief beneath that. Grief for the illusions I held and for the history my children will inherit.

Every night, I pray for an end to this.

All I want is an opportunity to create a new life, free of this dark and twisted energy, one where my children can flourish and we can all be safe. I think that’s the very least we deserve.

A spiritual perspective on domestic violence

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:49:00 +0000

While I was coordinating the Speak Out campaign, I approached (and was approached by) a number of individuals who I thought had something relevant to contribute to the discussion of domestic violence.

One such person is a rabbi in my community.One day I heard him talking about the story of Jacob and thought it was a powerful metaphor for any kind of struggle one faces, including DV.

He referred to it as a Jewish 'wounded healer' story. To me, it also parallels so many of the 'dark night of the soul' stories I've read over the years.

I'm not Jewish and, in fact, don't belong to any religious tradition, but I am deeply moved by many of the stories found in various scripture, as I feel their symbolism is powerful and universal.

I studied the great mythologist Joseph Campbell at university, who described the 'hero's journey', a story which appears in some form in almost every religious or tribal tradition. A man or woman leaves their community and sets off alone, into the dark forest (or across a barren desert or ocean deep). Tremendous challenge is encountered and eventually overcome, and only then does he or she emerge a 'hero'.

I would venture to guess that all of us, and most certainly those of us who have experienced violence or abuse, have felt alone and severely tested at some point in our lives. But from these challenges we emerge stronger, wiser and more centered in our own truth.

I'm sharing this guest post today because I believe these words speak to all of us, regardless of our backgrounds. Thank you, Rabbi Rudnick, for sharing with us your grace and wisdom.

* * *

Domestic Violence:

The Un-doing of Shalom

Rabbi Jonathan Rudnick

Jewish Family Services

People often ask what the Jewish belief is regarding hell. Although there is not a theology of hell in Judaism as there is in many Christian denominations, there is a word for hell in Hebrew. The word is gehenom – which means The Valley of Hinom, a valley in Jerusalem where human (children to be exact) sacrifices were offered to the Caananite god Molokh. Now that is hell!

When people make sacrifices for each other, it is beautiful, even holy – a sanctification. When human beings sacrifice each other, however, it is ugly, whole-ly unholy – a desecration.

We all know people who are going through hell, and most of the time we don’t even know it. Domestic violence is one such hell. Even though I have had the privilege of hearing personal stories, sacred stories, of domestic violence, I cannot imagine living this hell. For those living this, it must be so hard to imagine anything but living hell.

As a Jew, I have long heard about and felt the centrality of Israel in very particular ways – The Children of Israel, The People Israel, The Land of Israel. As a chaplain I have come to a deep universal understanding of “Israel” as a central human experience. I return to the roots of this word “Israel” in The Torah (The Bible) in the story of Jacob wrestling with _________ (you fill in the blank: the other person, the angel, himself, G-d, …).

Through the course of what must have been a very long and painful night (preceding an anxiety-laden reunion with brother Esau after 20 years of seething hostility with Esau wanting to kill his brother for “stealing” his birthright), Jacob wrestles/struggles with his interlocutor. Finally at dawn the fellow struggler seeks to end this physical entanglement and break free.

Jacob’s response was to condition his letting go of the other on the other giving Jacob a blessing. The other struggler agreed and blessed Jacob with the new name “Israel”, explained by the text of the Torah: because you have struggled/wrestled with G-d and with other people (beings Divine and human) and you have been enabled – ENABLED.

And yet Jacob, even with the blessing, limps away from the interaction, injured for life. I see this as a Jewish “wounded healer” story.

The words of Scripture (from Book of Deuteronomy), “Shema Yisrael”, (Hear O’ Israel) have become central in Jewish prayer and known to many people of different faith traditions.

From a pastoral and spiritual perspective, I interpret the Biblical context here. After Moses recounts the giving of the Ten Commandments and implores Israel to obey G-d’s laws and commandments, the first thing he tells the Israelites is to listen to struggle: Shema Yisrael. The very next thing he tells them is to love: v’ahavta.

In both cases, Moshe speaks to Israel in the singular, in a powerful way addressing each and every one of us, then and for all times. Only then does Moses continue to talk about their imminent entrance into the Land. This then may be seen by us as a spiritual prescription for entering our personal promised lands – listening to struggle leads to loving (ourselves and others without illusions of “should have been” and with honest acceptance of “what is” as well as hope for what can yet be) and only then can you be led into your promised land.

We all deserve that shalom (peace and wholeness), especially survivors of domestic violence.

What are you doing here?

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 06:09:00 +0000

You should be over here: Farmers Wifey

Why? Because that's where the November Digital Parents blog carnival is going on. There are some fabulous posts this month.

You can read the guide to Darwin that Obama should have been given, learn new pranks you can play on your kids and discover how not to give crap birthday gifts!

I will be returning from my bloggy hiatus tomorrow. I've spent the past week playing with the kids, resting after the Speak Out marathon, and generally enjoying the extended holiday break (you know...that thankful holiday we only celebrate over here).

Now, get going! x

Winners announced for Speak Out Giveaways!

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 18:48:00 +0000

As part of Speak Out I ran four separate giveaways to promote the event and show my appreciation for those who participated. Today I consulted the Magic 8 Ball (Random.org*) to determine the winners. Without further ado, here they are:

#1 Cuticura Giveaway

Congratulations to Glen Staples at Glen's Life, you won a year's supply of Cuticura products and ₤100 GBP in vouchers for Snow & Rock. Glen was one of the first bloggers I 'met' when I started Wanderlust back in 2009. He's an awesome guy and is growing a mo for Movember, so while you're there checking out his excellent blog, why not sponsor him and help raise money for prostate cancer research.

#2 Macleans Giveaway

Hey ho Jasmine at Nothing Too Fancy, you're the winner of the Macleans package! Jasmine has a cooking blog where she publishes some really delectable recipes. Now she can sample all her creations safe in the knowledge that her teeth will be sparkling clean and minty fresh at the end of the night.

#3 Ribena Giveaway

Congrats to Blundermum, you won our Ribena pacakage! With two young kiddos at home, I think she will be putting the Ribena to good use. Fist bump to a fellow single mom!

#4 Uberkate Giveaway

Okay, I know you're salivating to see who won this one. Drumroll.... the gorgeous Love Lines necklace goes to Madmother! I heard a rumor that she's mad about Uberkate (aren't we all?). Sincere thanks to Kate for her ubergenerous donation.

Okay winners, send me your addresses so you can collect your loot!

Thanks to everyone who participated in the giveaways and especially in the Speak Out campaign. You're all awesome.

A big thanks to Cuticura, Macleans, Ribena and Uberkate for supporting the campaign. I truly appreciate your support and generosity. Show them some thanks by visiting their pages and giving them a thumbs up.

* I have screenshots of all the Random.org draws if anyone is interested. Hands? Hands? Nobody? Okay...

Thank you. You are amazing.

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 17:52:00 +0000

Wow. A huge thank you to everyone who took part in Speak Out. I was amazed and touched and humbled at the response. So many stories of pain and healing, of support and outrage and kindness.

I am leaving the linky open until Nov 25th, which is White Ribbon Day, as well as the international day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. I know several of you have contacted me to let me know you still want to post.

I want to apologize for being MIA yesterday. I fell very ill and was not able to be online at all. On Nov 18th of all days! I felt like I planned a big event and everyone showed up but me. I had planned to be online most of the day promoting the event and responding to emails/twitter, reading posts, etc. The best laid plans...

Thank you to those of you who offered your blogs as a safe place where others could tell their story anonymously. I so appreciate that.

One blogger contacted me and brought up the fact that writing and reading posts about something as emotinally charged as DV could be triggering for a lot of women and that it might be good to offer a reminder that we should back away when it feels too overwhelming and practice some self-care. I was so glad she reminded me of this.

Here's the irony. At the time I was discussing this with her I'd read about 8-10 posts and felt fine. I acknowledged that it could be triggering, but didn't think it applied to me. But shortly thereafter I read a post that was eerily similar to what my experience had been. I found that I began to feel anxious and physically ill. I felt exhausted and just wanted to sleep, so I shut down my computer for the night.

I woke up in the middle of the night and was in a lot of physical pain -- migraine and vomiting. I spent the entire following day throwing up (sorry if that's TMI). Even when I had nothing left to throw up my body kept convulsing. All day long.

At some point it occurred to me that maybe there was a connection between reading all the accounts of violence and getting sick. For those of us who have a personal experience of violence or PTSD, immersing ourselves in story after story of abuse will take its toll.

If you have been feeling emotional or axious or ill, please, please back away for a bit and do something soothing. Take a long bath, a nap, play with the kids (aren't kids good at pulling us back into the present moment?), whatever works for you. Just be kind to yourself and allow some time to process what you've read (or expressed in your own post).

Again, thank you so, so much to everyone who spoke out and spread the message that violence is never okay. You are my heros. It is my prayer that your posts will reach the women and men who most need to hear your message.

So what was your experience of Speak Out? Did you find it difficult to read so many posts on a heavy topic? Did you find it triggering? Did you find it inspiring? Do you want to do it again next year?
xoxo

Time to Speak Out!

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 15:48:00 +0000

It's here! Today's the day (if you're in Australia). Otherwise tomorrow is the day to Speak Out.

One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. That is way too many. The aim of this event is to bring awareness to the cause and encourage victims to speak out and seek help.

A huge thanks to everyone who is participating. If you've written a post on domestic violence, please link it up below so others can read it.

Some of you have posted early, which is great. The date doesn't matter so much -- the message does. In fact, I'm leaving the linky open until November 25th -- White Ribbon Day in Australia and the UK, and also the international day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.

Get a Speak Out twibbon to wear on your Twitter or Facebook avatar. Just click below:

Twitter hashtag is #SpeakOut.

I've also extended the Speak Out giveaways until November 22nd. Have at it!

Please help support our dedicated charity for this event, Band Back Together, by making a donation via the widget on the sidebar (feel free to copy it for your own site, too).

I would love it if you chose to place the linky on your own post. Click the link below to get the code:

get the InLinkz code

The posts I've read so far have been incredible. Beautiful, sad, inspiring, hopeful. Thanks again for speaking out. xx

If you need help immediately

If you're in an abusive situation and need help now, start with the links below. Please, please, please talk to someone who can offer you support and assistance. Talk to someone. It can be hard when you're in the middle of it to see your way out. Please know that you deserve to live free of fear and violence, including emotional violence. Please know that it is vital for your children to live in a safe and healthy home.

In the United States.
In Australia.
In the United Kingdom.
If you live in another country, google "domestic violence hotline".
This page is an excellent all-around resource.

* * * Trigger warning: some of the posts linked below may contain graphic descriptions of violence and may be triggering if you have ever experienced or witnessed violence. ***

Are you ready? Here are the deets for Friday!

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 20:30:00 +0000

First off, a really big thank you to everyone who has come on board for the Speak Out event. A lot of buzz out there already. I'm getting excited!

Also, thanks to all who commented/shared yesterday's post on the un-fun side of blogging. It apparently struck a nerve as you all had a lot to say about this.

A big shout out to the following companies that have supported Speak Out by donating prizes for giveaways:

Uberkate

Cuticura

Macleans

Ribena

I've extended some of the earlier Speak Out giveaways so they will all run through the 22nd of Nov. Please pop on over and check them out. Some of them don't have a lot of entries thus far so your chances of winning are good! I mean, come on, who doesn't want an Uberkate pendant? Why can't I enter my own competitions?

Okay...so this Friday is the day to Speak Out. Some of you have written me asking if there will be a place to link your posts (yes, and it's going up tomorrow) and what you should write about.

The goal of this event is to bring awareness to the issue of domestic violence. People are taking a variety of approaches.

Some people are telling a personal story that involves DV (for an example, see Bern Morley's excellent piece she put up earlier this week).

Some are writing about DV from the perspective of their culture or community (St Murphy will be talking about DV in the gay and lesbian community).

Some may wish to post about Band Back Together, the Speak Out charity, and include their donation widget on their own sidebar (click the link that says 'add to site' on the widget on my sidebar, then copy the html).

Some are simply mentioning the event and directing people back to Wanderlust (see London City Mum's lovely post as an example).

You can do any of these things or something completely different. It doesn't matter, as long as what you post feels right to you. The more we talk about DV, the more awareness it brings to the issue, and the more victims are encouraged to speak out for themselves and seek help.

I'll have a list of DV resources up with tomorrow's linky for anyone who needs help now.

The hashtag for the event is #SpeakOut.

Brenda suggested I make a Twibbon for the event. I tried. I failed. (How the hell do you make something transparent?) If I somehow succeed tonight, you'll see it on Twitter.

I'm leaving the linky up for a full week, until Nov 25th, International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. I imagine some people will learn of the event after the fact and they can still write and link up posts throughout the week.

If you've submitted a Speak Out guest post to me and haven't seen it published yet, take heart, I will continue to run guest posts throughout next week. Thank you to everyone who has shared your story here. It takes guts. I admire that. x

Oh, and me? I'm over at Lori's house today: Random Ramblings of a SAHM.

Okay, that's enough links for one post. See you all on Friday! xo

Sponsors and awards and money, oh my! Is blogging becoming un-fun?

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 18:20:00 +0000

I didn’t plan to write this post. We’re heading into the home stretch of Speak Out and I’m chock full of posts this week. But I think this is important to talk about.

I have read several posts recently, including one written by the smart, sassy and gorgeous Holly at Good Golly Miss Holly that have really got me thinking. You can (and should) read her post, but in a nutshell she said that blogging has lost some of its luster for her, largely because of all the hoopla around getting sponsors or making this or that list of ‘Best Blogs’. She admitted to feeling jealous and then hating that she felt jealous. Honest girl, god love her.

I get it. I think if we were all to be as honest with ourselves, we’d be nodding our heads at least just a little.

The Australian blogging scene is going through a tremendous growth spurt right now. It is exploding. New bloggers are cropping up on every corner and brands are watching the scene and wanting a piece of the pageview action.

This is great! And it’s also not great.

On the one hand it opens up new possibilities to bloggers and affords them the opportunity to get recognition and recompense (sometimes even monetary!) for their hard work. At times the opportunities are wild and wonderful. I love that.

However, it also can create an atmosphere where competition, anxiety and a sense of inferiority reigns for many who are watching others get a big serving of pie while their own plates remain empty.

I’ve been on both ends, and not in the order you might imagine. Let me explain.

First, I know I’m not an Australian blogger (ahem, officially). But my blog is more popular in Australia than anywhere else, including here on my home soil. In the States, I’m a small fish in a very, very big pond. I mostly swim under the radar. My opportunities to work with brands have come primarily from Australia.

As most of you know, I had the honor of coming to Sydney in March when I was sponsored by Macleans. It was an incredible experience and they were an absolute dream to work with. I felt grateful and special and a bit embarrassed by all the hoopla.

As most of you also know, I’m now working on the Speak Out campaign with another corporate entity. What happened this time? Well, big plans were made. Really big plans. Multiple corporate sponsorships to support an international social awareness program. A kickass proposal was drawn up with the assistance of a successful media company, who also provided a list of potential corporate sponsors. We each had our assignments. We went forth.

Well, I went forth. But the proposal? It was never distributed. That’s right. The kickass multi-tiered proposal that was going to send me to speaking engagements and fund charities was never distributed. Actually, not true. I sent it out to some of my contacts at the last minute, when I realized what was (not) going down. But we all know how attractive an 11^th hour proposal is.

The dedicated Speak Out website was never built. The press advertising, emails to members, etc? Didn’t happen either. I was left feeling like the miner who cried Eureka! and then realized she was holding fool’s gold.

Here’s the deal. Brand and corporate relationships have the potential to be excellent, but when you enter into partnership with a corporation, you lose a lot of your autonomy and control. You might stay focused on the prize, but a corporation has any number of initiatives going on at a single time and they will distribute their resources, including time and energy according to their own priorities. Sometimes it works beautifully. Sometimes it’s not so pretty.

The blog world is also full of articles on the Ten Things to do to get More Readers and the Six Easy Steps to Launching an E-book. I read these articles with a mixture of hope and anxiety. Hope that I can find something to take away and anxiety because I really don’t have time to do all this but oh-my-god I should be and everyone else is so I’m ‘falling behind’!

There is also a voice inside me saying: This is not what matters to me. I just want to tell my story.

Which brings me back to my point. Why do we blog? What about blogging brings us fulfillment?

I know why I blog. It’s not for sponsorships or recognition, though those things are wonderful and appreciated.

I blog for expression and engagement.

I write because I don’t know how to not write. It fulfills a deep-seated need I have for expression. I blog because I want connection and a sense of community. I would go so far as to say that engagement is the true heart of blogging. If you don’t engage, you won’t succeed, even if success to you means having only a moderate readership. Engagement is vital.

This is not to say that marketing yourself and being social media savvy is somehow incompatible with authentic writing. Both are ultimately necessary if you’re goal is to be a blog star. But don’t chase the latter at the expense of the former. And have a good, long think about whether the latter is really what you want. Is that the part of blogging you find fulfilling? If it is, then great. Go for it.

Please don’t get me wrong. I think working with brands can be a wonderful thing. I’m happy for my fellow bloggers when they find a good partnership or are otherwise recognized for their excellence. But the competition and heightened anxiety that comes with these opportunities may be changing the tenor of the blog scene.

Because of the demands of my private life, I’ve chosen to step back from blogging. I don’t have the time to read and comment on as many blogs as I have in the past. This means that others are not coming here as often. It’s a conscious choice, but as a result I do feel less connected. I’m trying to find my balance.

Do you know which blogs I read when I do have the time to read? It’s not necessarily the ones with the most followers or that make the top of a given list. To be honest, that can tend to turn me away, as those same individuals tend to have less time to engage on an individual level. I read people I can relate to. I read people who talk to me. I read people who keep it real.

I’m also going full-steam ahead with the Speak Out campaign, all by my bad self. I love it and I think it’s really important. Big thanks to Brenda at Digital Parents and Lori at Random Ramblings of a SAHM, and all the other incredible bloggers who have signed on. I picked my own charity for the event (see the sidebar). Throw a few dollars their way if you can. They are ALL about expression and engagement and community.

If you’ve been feeling anxiety in the growing and ever-changing blogging scene, waiting against the wall and watching the others dance (or worse, being rejected by the dance partners you approach), maybe you should consider why you’re here in the first place. If nothing else, know that what you’re feeling is shared by a lot of your peers.

Why not just get out there and dance to the music in your soul, even if you’re dancing alone? Chances are you’ll forget about all the hoopla and enjoy yourself again.

And if you ever want to connect, I’ll be over here dancing at Wanderlust. xx

I’m curious how you feel about the growing blog scene? Does it make you feel good? Less than? Are you still in step with the music in your soul?

Oh, and on a side note, I’m published at Band Back Together today if you want to check it out. And please, enter one of the four giveaways going on now!

Speak Out Giveaway - Uberkate & Ribena

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:48:00 +0000

We're heading into the final stretch of Speak Out, which happens on Friday when we will all blog/tweet/share to raise awareness of domestic violence and encourage victims to speak up and seek help.

The gorgeous Uberkate and the lovely folks at Ribena have each donated prizes to help support the event. They are good people!

I have lusted over Uberkate's pendants since I was first introduced to them by Mrs Woog. In fact, here is a picture of Mrs Woog at the beach, in her blonder days, modeling an Uberkate necklace. Work it Woog.

If you scroll down towards the bottom of my sidebar, you'll see how many times I've entered to win (and subsequently not won) Uberkate giveaways. I may just have to break down and actually buy myself something, yes?

Uberkate has a new range of jewelry called Love Lines. They are long, drop pendants that can be engraved with the name of a loved one and/or a special date. I'm giving away a large Love Lines pendant here this week, valued at AU $275. Kate has generously opened the contest up to international readers, so anyone can enter.

But wait! That's not all.

My friends at Ribena have also donated a selection of products. Their blackcurrent fruit drinks are a good source of Vitamin C and can be enjoyed in a surprising number of ways (head over to their Facebook page to check out all the recipes - my favorite is the Slushie. While you're there, give them a thumbs up to thank them for their support of a great cause.).

The Ribena prize pack includes:

1 x Ribena Blackcurrant 2L Fruit Juice Syrup

2 x Ribena Light Blackcurrant 1L Fruit Juice Syrup

4 x Ribena Blackcurrant 250mL 6 pack Fruit Drink

How do you get your hands on the booty? Well, this is all to support our campaign so all you need to do is commit to speak out this Friday, November 18th. And as long as you're signed up, you're eligible to enter my two earlier giveaways!

In the last giveaways I asked you to follow my page, tweet/share the giveaway, add extra comments for multiple entries, etc. While I would love it if you shared the giveaway love, we're going to follow the KISS principle on this one: Keep it Simple, Sexy.

1. Just sign up to Speak Out and then leave a comment below as your entry.

Two separate drawings will be held on November 22nd. One for Uberkate (worldwide) and one for Ribena (Australian residents only). By commenting below, Australian residents will be entered for both. Winners will be chosen by Random.org and announced on Wanderlust.

Now go on. Sign up!

Why I love Band Back Together

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 00:33:00 +0000

Have you ever had a personal story you wanted to tell but didn't feel comfortable doing so on your own blog? That's certainly been the case for me.

I came across Band Back Together earlier this year. I thought it was a fabulous concept and that it filled a void in the blogosphere. In a nutshell, it's a site where you can post your own difficult or emotional stories and feel safe and supported. I'm going to let Jana, one of the site administrators, tell you more about it.

But first, take a look at that donation widget on the right sidebar. As part of Speak Out I wanted to raise some funds for a worthy cause that supports DV survivors. That cause is Band Back Together. The site is completely run by volunteers and costs are either covered by donations or the personal pocketbooks of the site administrators. I'd like to see it not only grow, but flourish, so that we can all have a safe place to share our stories.

Read their story and then consider giving something to help the site continue to be a safe haven on the internet.

* * * * *

A Safe Place

By Jana Anthoine

Domestic Abuse, Rape. Divorce.

Bipolar. Baby Loss. Postpartum Depression.

Family relationships. Economic Struggles.

What do all of these things have in common?

That’s right. They’re all things that nobody really wants to talk about. They’re either hot topics, troll magnets, stigmatized or “too sad” to mention.

A lot of people fear writing about these topics on their own sites for many reasons. They don’t want to draw attention from people who make nasty comments about their mental illness or they don’t want their boss to read about their divorce.

Maybe they want to speak out about their rape or domestic abuse but are too afraid to do it on their own site for fear of their rapist or abuser finding it.

The need for a safe place for people to post without fear of judgment was necessary. The internet needed a safe place for people to feel welcome, comfortable, loved and included.

Becky Sherrick Harks, aka Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka, realized that this type of place was needed after her daughter Amelia was born with a previously undiagnosed neural tube defect called an Encephalocele and she felt so alone. Becky put out a call for stories and had lots of responses, including one from Jana.

Somehow through the power of the internet and the universe, Jana Anthoine of Jana’s Thinking Place ended up becoming the Tennille to Becky’s Captain! Band Back Together was launched on September 10, 2010 and the rest is history.

Since the launch, Band Back Together has provided an open forum for Band Members to submit stories of abuse, fear, love, loss, fear, pain, traumas and victories in a safe and moderated environment.

Guidelines of mutual respect and support are enforced and comments are moderated carefully to protect our readers and those who have submitted their stories.

What sets Band Back Together apart from other sites is the extensive Resource Pages that are available. Over 200 topics are currently covered and more are being added daily.

In a space that none of us are alone in our struggles and triumphs, our pain and our joy, Band Back Together has proven that what the blog world needed was a safe place from the rest of the Internet. We have truly put the Band Back Together.

And we look forward to you joining us. All are welcome.

You can join Band Back Together on the site, Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook.

Fellow blogger needs our support

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 04:47:00 +0000

Today's Speak Out guest post comes from a blogger within our community who is currently leaving an abusive situation. She needs our love and support. She is okay with me linking her blog, which you can find here, but please don't use her name in your comments.

* * * * *

“You are so confident!”, she says to me in the middle of our conversation, “it doesn’t seem as though you would take much crap from anyone. You seem to know what you want and go get it or get it done.” . It was meant as a compliment and I took it on board as such, not because of its truth, but because it was clear that the front of which I wear is not transparent.

“I love you”, he said within weeks of our meeting. I.Love.You. I want to look after you. I want to be together forever. Years later he put a ring on my finger to prove just that.

“Will you marry me?”, he asked on a balmy summer night as the sun set before us and our feet sunk into the warm sandy beach. For a moment I hesitated, panicked..should I? I felt like I should run far far away...but I said “Yes” because I loved him...but forever since there has always been that sliding doors moment.

I cooked and cleaned and cared for him those few years it was just us two and we were happy..so very happy. I got pregnant and we were happy..so very happy. We had the baby and I thought we were happy, so very happy.

“We need to talk about this!” the message beeped on his phone as I tended to our newborn and toddler and he did whatever he was doing on the computer. It was from a girl at his work . She rang and in front of me he would not talk! “You need to talk about what?”, I asked and was told a lie...a believable lie about rumours and being called in to discuss them with the boss. Click, click, click the pieces of the puzzle clicked together in my head and I confronted him and he told me I was stupid, I was wrong, nothing was going on...put down, put down, put down...You are hopeless at everything and now you are making things up. You never have time to talk to me and so I talk to her. That is all. That was not all....I am sure there was so so so much more but I will never know.

Crash! The plate smashes on the floor....”I didn’t do it!”, He screams, “it was the way you stacked them!” . He didn’t ever cause anything, was never at fault, never ever apologised.

Phone lines, internet sites, chats which ran up thousands of dollars of bills for me to fix and meant nothing at all over the next 6 years. Lies, lies, lies. Fists through walls....screams in faces.....and I was worthless, hopeless, couldn’t do anything right...I caused it all, he explained it all away and I just stayed.

The good times were so great. Compliments, loving, make me feel loved and worshiped and the bad times fade to the back ether regions of my mind. Focus on the good, do the right things, be there for him, listen to him, fix his problems, everything can be happy and we can be a happy family...

He had a very bad temper and I knew that when he was getting worked up that I needed to back off, I needed to let him win the argument because he had told me before that I pushed him too far. He wouldn’t have thrown the remote which nearly hit his baby son if I hadn’t of yelled at him, the door wouldn’t have been smashed, the wall wouldn’t have a hole in it from his fist if I hadn’t of pushed things too far. But that one day I did not care. I was angry, so angry and I kept going past the point when I should have stopped. Oh how brave I felt....until he got me cowering in the corner, sobbing and he pulled his arm back. Hand in a fist so tight that his knuckles were pure white, froth at the edges of his mouth his fist came forward fast to within 2 cms of my face and hovered there as he screamed and screamed at me. Then he left.

He begged to come back, he said he’d get help, he didn’t mean it, he couldn’t help it but knew he needed help and he would get it..get the help. I rang his parents. His Mum came and barged in my house and blamed me for every problem he had. He blames me...she blames me...I blame me, it must be true. He came back home.

I know what domestic abuse is. I have read the books, I have done the PD’s, shit I have even reported it as it is a legal requirement in my job that I do so. That was not my life, I said to myself. This is not abuse. It is just him. He has ADD, he has depression maybe which he will not get treatment for...he does not mean it, I don’t do what he needs and he has no choice. I am hopeless at the housework, just looking around you can see that. I do yell at the kids and he tells me that is why they have any problems or misbehave..I cause that misbehaviour with the way I parent. Anything I do which I think is good, is never good enough. He points out the flaws in all that I do and I see them when he does and so I fail...always fail and I realise, everybody else must see it too right? They must just be being nice when they say they like me, when they compliment me, it cannot be true because he is always there and he sees the opposite. He sees flaws in all about me, he sees how shit I am at things and he tells me so...it must be the truth.

One day I made a new friend. We bonded over my son’s condition, which she was interested in and which she wanted to hear about. I wanted to talk about it and so we began to chat. Then we discovered we had more and more in common and began talking everyday. She made me feel happy, valued and confident. She made me laugh, she wanted to hear my thoughts and know about my life and what I like. After spending time with her I would drive home and feel incredible dread. I was leaving to go to a place where a piece of cow dung would be more valued than me.

I began to have suicidal thoughts. I was the cause of my children’s problems, despite bringing them up solo for their entire life practically, I was the one who had caused any issues that they had. I was the one not providing a proper life for them, for their father and I were told that their life would be over if we were not all together. It would be ruined forever to come from a broken home. I stayed and tried to keep the peace...but my life light was going out.

I began to take notice of the power poles...one, two, three, four...how easy it would be to drive into one. But which side of the car would I need to hit it to die? The thought would come in and instantly I would feel intense fear. Am I suicidal? It wasn’t too hard to imagine that all of their lives would be far better off without me. I was the one causing the fighting, causing him to look around, causing the children’s fighting and swearing, not keeping a spotless showcase home...me....it was all me. If I wasn’t here anymore then perhaps they would be so much better off?

I told a friend and with her insistence I sought help and got it and those thoughts started to dissipate. My son had a bad dream one night and came running out to me and said that he dreamt he had lost me forever and he never wanted to lose me and I realised...I cannot let him lose me.

Life was horrible, I had no motivation and then the call came through. “I think I have caught something from cheating” he said. “It’s over!”, I said. OVER. He has not come home since.

I rang my parents and I told them what he said and through my tears I begged, like a child who can take no more of the continual bullying they are enduring, “can it stop now? Please tell me this can be the point when I say it is enough? When I say I don’t have to take it anymore!”. They came and held me and said that “yes, it was enough, it should have been enough a long time ago!”. They did not fail to tell me earlier, they simply did not know. No one ever knew...it was the way it needed to be because they would see what I fool I was and he demanded that we seem to be perfect, the front of perfection must prevail!

I felt such relief at first...it is over, over now and I am free. But then he wanted to meet and talk and he told me that a doctor told him it was due to his newly diagnosed depression and ADD that he did what he did. He was not to blame! He can see how he treated me and is going to a psych and is on medication and is going to change and I need to give him another chance. He was insistant and I realised with sickening clarity that I would never ever be free of him.

I opened up to an online friend about what my life has been like and I asked her why I after all of that I felt a strong urge to take him back? It was the very last thing I wanted to do and yet I felt that I had no choice but to. She sent me links to Emotional and Verbal Abuse and I could tick every single box! I read the cycle of abuse and it summed up my life perfectly. I had been in an abusive relationship for 16 years which had escalated in severity every year to a point where it was completely unbearable for me.

And yet he will still not let go..it has been only a few weeks and he will not accept that it is over. He is making me wait to make decisions about selling the house. He is ringing twice a day to talk to the kids and taking them once a week. He is being the perfect father that he never was. Doing all these things to prove how much he is changing.

It is all my fault don’t you know....

And I am so broken that sometimes I begin to believe it again, sometimes I start to think that maybe it wasn’t so bad, that maybe I am overreacting and that maybe I should let him come back and be that happy, loving family he is promising.

But then I remember the poles I drive past on the way home from work and I realise that there is no love and care in a relationship that makes me want to give up my children and my life for death to simply escape my husband.

So as incredibly hard as it is to fight the preconditioning that I owe him, that I need to fix him, do whatever he wants me to do, that I cannot live without him....I am going to prove him wrong, I am going to live a long and great life in which no one is telling me how incredibly worthless I am. I am going to teach my children through example how a person should treat a person they love. I am going to be strong...so strong.....

But strong is so damn, bloody hard! :(

Macleans giveaway for Speak Out

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 04:43:00 +0000

Hear ye, hear ye Aussies!

My friends at Macleans have generously donated a prize pack to giveaway in support of the Speak Out campaign. It was the lovely folk at Macleans who brought me to Australia in March for the Aussie Bloggers Conference and I will always have a soft spot for them. My kids and I are still working our way to the bottom of our own goodie bag of Macleans products.

Here's what you could win:

Ooh and aah!

2 x Macleans Extreme Clean White

2 x Macleans Advanced Fresh Mint

2 x Macleans Flex toothbrush

2 x Macleans Big Teeth toothpaste

2 x Macleans Junior toothbrush

2 x Macleans Little Teeth toothpaste

2 x Macleans Little Teeth toothbrush

2 x Macleans Milk Teeth toothpaste

2 x Macleans Milke Teeth toothbrush

And to give you an idea of how much your kids will love this, here's a picture of a handsome young boy brushing with Macleans.

What's that you say? You remember seeing these pictures back in March, when I gave away my first Macleans package? True, but here's the good news. He recently had a dental checkup and had NO cavities! It's either the Spiderman toothbrush or the Macleans (I'm betting on the latter).

Okay, here be the rules. Remember, this is to support the Speak Out campaign against domestic violence. So to be elibible to enter, you must commit to joining hundreds of other bloggers/social media users in speaking out on November 18th. Soooooo....

1. Enter your blog in the Speak Out linky (if you're not a blogger, use FB or twitter handle).

2. Follow Wanderlust to stay abreast of campaign events.

3. Tweet/FB the giveaway (counts as 2nd entry).

4. Like Macleans' Facebook page (counts as 3rd entry).

5. Kiss your child on the head.

6. Bonus entry for everyone who said here that they liked my boobs!

No, not really, but thanks anyway, I appreciated the booby love.

Please leave a comment for each of the three entries, ie one comment saying you linked, another saying you tweeted, and a third saying ~~my boobs are awesome~~ you liked the FB page. I know, I know, your wrists are starting to get sore.

If you're on an iPhone and can't be arsed, just leave me one comment saying you did all 3 and I'll add the additional comments (wow, accommodating AND has nice boobs, what a gal).

If you agreed before the event to take part in the campaign, I've already added you to the linky (check to make sure).

Winner will be drawn by Random.org and ~~announced November 16th~~. Contest open until midnight CST ~~November 15th~~.

*** Note: contest has been extended until Nov 22nd to correlate with other Speak Out giveaways***

This giveaway is open to Australian residents only (sorry Badger and others, but in the NEXT giveaway everyone can play! Promise.)

Ready? Okay, get to work!!

Sexual targeting in the online world

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 16:51:00 +0000

I read an interesting article today on the increasing problem of anonymous misogynistic attacks on women writers (Women bloggers call for a stop to "hateful" trolling by misogynist men).

A group of British journalists and bloggers have banded together to address the issue, some of them publicly revealing the details of abusive and threatening messages they receive.

What is notable about the messages is that regardless of the topic under discussion (politics, finance, etc.) the comments are generally aggressively sexual in nature and target the writer's gender and personal safety. The threat of rape seems to come up most often in the invective.

Linda Grant, a former columnist for the Guardian, has stopped writing because of the vicious attacks. “What struck me forcibly about the new online world were the violence of three kinds of attitude: islamophobia, antisemitism, and misogyny. And it was the misogyny that surprised me the most. British national newspapers have done little, if anything, to protect their women writers from violent hate-speech."

I've noticed this kind of attack in my own blogging circles, though the frequency is far less, likely due to the smaller readership we have relative to national media outlets.

Lori at RRSAHM, in particular, has received a lot of backlash from male readers (mostly anonymous or with linkbacks that lead nowhere) since she began speaking out publicly about her pain in the wake of her husband's suicide, and her recent foray into online dating.

While I get very few nasty comments, this may have to do with my publicly stated policy of deleting abusive and/or anonymous comments. If you don't come out to play, they tend to go off in search of more fertile grounds.

What I do receive, however, are occassional abusive and threatening emails. I have also had to put up with a slew of legal attacks by my husband who is angered by the fact that I am speaking publically about his various criminal activities. He has leveled attacks on my parenting and mental health, and made up ridiculous stories to try to minimize his own culpability and blame me for his assault charges and child pornography investigation.

Psychotherapist and writer Susie Orbach is quoted in the article as saying: "The threat of sexual violence is a violence itself, it's a complete violation and it's meant to shut the people up. It's hateful and it raises the question, what do these men, or the people who are doing this, find so threatening? Is it that they feel attacked in their own masculinity and therefore sexuality in this violent form becomes the way that they establish a means to cover up their fragility by bringing their own vulnerability onto these women?”

There is, and always has been, a percentage of the male population that is threatened by women exerting their personal power. There is still an underlying vein of belief that women are simply sexual vessels and should stay at home with their mouths shut. Public opinion, it is believed, is the mileau of men.

I find it hard to believe this kind of attitude still occurs in the 21^st century, but it does. I've seen it in American, British and Australian politics. This attitude is typically paired with an aggressive, abusive nature that thrives on secrecy and anonymity. Afterall, though it's still all too common, it is no longer publically acceptable, hence the anonymity.

I love seeing women (or men, anyone really) rise up and claim their personal power. I love seeing them speak their minds responsibly and with compassion. It makes me want to cheer. I think the more we all embrace our own power, the better place this world will be.

Exerting personal power is a byproduct of confidence and self-love. As Orbach goes on to say, "With sexual violence, what the victim is receiving is the self-hatred of the individual who is expressing that pain and upset that is inside of them in a very explosive manner.”

This conversation is especially pertinent in the realm of domestic abuse, where the dynamic is based upon one individual trying to exert control over another through violence or coercion. When the victim begins to heal and become stronger, the aggressor reacts by ratcheting up the abusive behavior. It can be a frightening cycle for someone trying to escape violence. Statistics show that women are most at risk when trying to leave an abusive situation.

Leaving is a scary, dangerous, but necessary step in healing from abuse. It's the hardest part of the journey, but also the most important. It's why we need to have strong support systems in place for theose women (and men) who have the strength to get out.

It's also why we need to keep talking openly about any form of sexual or aggressive violence. In talking openly, we shed light on the darkness and replace lies with the truth.

This world needs more authentically powerful men and women. It needs more individuals who define power not in terms of aggression or subjugation, but as confidence and inner strength. I am so honored to have found a circle of writers who are doing just that.

I hope all of you reading never stop speaking your truth loud and clear.

I know I won't.

because truth rocks

A story of date rape - a guest post for Speak Out

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 01:49:00 +0000

The following is a guest post for Speak Out. It comes from Kristyn at MummyK who discusses the issue of date rape. As with other Speak Out guest posts, please know that if you have experienced sexual violence, this post may be triggering.

Comments on guest posts are an avenue to express compassion and support and will be closely moderated.

Thank you, Kristyn, for sharing with us.

Date rape isn’t really rape

This is a post I wrote in behalf of someone very close to me. I got permission because it needed to be said.

When she first told me what happened, I was confused. I was confused because she was confused. She didn’t know whether she had sex for the very first time or she was raped.

Date rape doesn’t exist in the Philippines. It didn’t then anyway.

She went with him because it was his birthday. He was four years senior to her 16 years of innocence. It was her “bad boy” phase, you see, and even though we all thought he wasn’t good for her, she went with him anyway.

To be young, naïve and easily swayed by image.

She said they went to a motel. But she didn’t know it was going to be a motel because he said they were going to a cabin near the beach. She thought it was going to be a picnic. She thought it was going to be a romantic dinner near the beach under the stars. So she went.

And when they were there, she got confused. But she didn’t know what to do. What to say. How to say how she felt. All she remembered was the fear, her hands being clammy.

Suddenly, she was naked. And he was on top. And she remembered saying “no”, pushing him away, several times too. But she was confused. She was the girlfriend. Wasn’t it part of the “deal” for a girlfriend to sleep with the boyfriend? Isn’t that what 20 year-old boys expect their girlfriends to do?

When it was over, she rushed to the toilet, in pain, bleeding.

All he said was, “you were a virgin? I thought you weren’t.”

Bleeding, scared, ashamed – and now realising that he thought she slept around too?

She only told me about it. I hated him with a vengeance. I wished demons from hell crawled up into the world and dragged him into their home by his testicles.

She didn’t break up with him. She couldn’t. He made her think it was all okay. That what he did was normal. It took her a couple of months before she had the courage to leave him. Even then, it took her a year and a half of crying every night to get over the guilt and pain. And then another seven years of destructive sexual behaviour before she finally settled.

So yes, date rape isn’t really rape now, is it?

* * * * *

Kristin here again. The issue of date rape can be highly charged. While Kristyn discusses date rape as it is perceived (or not perceived) in the Phillipines, the truth is that in western cultures there is still often a tendency to blame the victim.

Many women are reluctant to report because they blame themselves. Some women, when they realize that their partner is going to force sex upon them, will stop fighting and go along, just to get it over with. That doesn't make it consensual.

Women's bodies and sexual boundaries are not always respected in our culture, not only by men but family members to whom these stories are related. It is far too common for parents and others in authority to downplay or deny rape.

Rape, or any form of violence used to control another person, is never okay, whether it occurs with a stranger, a boyfriend or a spouse. No one has the right to impose their will upon another like that.

I'd like to thank Kristyn for sharing her friend's story here today.

Please consider joining with other bloggers to lend your voice on November 18th. Help us make a difference. You can sign up here.

Dream baths and possum's arses - a tour of bloggers homes

noreply@blogger.com (Wanderlust) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:16:00 +0000

I've have the good fortune to visit the homes of several of my bloggy friends while traveling. It's always fascinating to visit someone's home, because what's inside their abode gives me a glimpse into their psyche and personal world. As such, I would never want to divulge the weird and wonderful things I've witnessed, as it would be an invasion of their privacy.

Well, ok, it might be alright if I divulged them but then let you guess whose house I was talking about. Yes?

Yes!

Ok then, behold the following bloggers:

(A) Nomie (Under the Yardarm) and (B) Kirrily (Sunny Side Up)

(D) Mrs. Woog (Woogsworld)

(E) Some chick from Kansas

(I sometimes stay in my own home)

Now. With these women in mind, I want you to consider the following five tidbits and see if you can match them up. Ready to play? Okay, here we go!

Which blogger.....

(1) Has a kickass bathroom the looks like it comes out of a homes magazine?

This may or may not be the actual bathroom

(probably not, but isn't it cool?)

(2) Hoards body lotions?

Bath & beauty products anonymous, anyone?

(3) Has a kickass office that looks like it comes out of a homes magazine?

This may or may not be the actual office

(probably not, but isn't it cool?)

(4) Has none of the following in her pantry?

Seriously, this blogger takes not baking to a whole new level

(5) Has a possum's arse sticking out of the wall in her living room?

I'm not even kidding. And yes, it's alive.

(6) Home is surrounded by giant f*cking spiders kill me now

Okay, let's see how you did. Who goes with what?

Winner gets a dream bathroom or a year's worth of giant spiders. Depending upon my cash flow.

Speaking of winners, if you're from the UK, enter this giveaway. There are only a handful of entries so far so you have a *really* good chance of winning!