Thirty-nine. On Wednesday, I will be thirty-nine years old and the countdown will be on towards 40. Unlike some women I am celebrating exactly where I am, embracing my age, and being grateful for the journey. The past year has been another year of growth, and while the last five months have been a complete roller coaster ride I am thankful for staying the course when I could have just given up, turned bitter and resentful. I like who I am becoming. I’m making better choices for my life and surrounding myself with good people who love me.

There are 20 Things on my Before 40 list. I’m ready to tackle them and in no certain order. Some are fun, some are challenging, and some may be painful.

1. Watch baby turtles hatch. I’ve tried to catch this several times and missed out. This year I hope to finally see them hatch.
2. Have a silly string fight with my family.
3. Send a message in a bottle.
4. Take a Zumba Class
5. Take a Yoga Class
6. Get a henna tattoo
7. Get an actual tattoo
8. Learn to crochet
9. Buy and wear a red formal dress
10. Take a road trip
11. Tie dye a shirt
12. Be part of a flash mob.
13. Be a healthy weight
14. Eat cleaner food
15. Go zip lining
16. See a Cirque del Soliel show.
17. Dye my hair a funky color without warning anyone
18. Write the damn book
19. Do a 5K
20. Take a community class.

The list is doable. I plan on posting as a complete each one as they happen.

Since I began opening up about the issues in my marriage and having an anxiety disorder I have been flooded with wonderful messages from readers and friends. Some are so heart warming and encouraging and thank you does not even begin to describe how touched I am to all of you who have reached out to me and who are praying for me and Mr. K.

Each marriage and situation is unique. I am relieved that Mr. K and I built a strong foundation in the beginning of our marriage. We have had trials and tribulations before and survived them. We attended marriage counseling before we ever had children and made a plan for our life. If anything, we are committed to each other. Luckily we are great friends and of course the great sex doesn’t hurt. Those close to us are still in shock, possibly even denial that we are even dealing with infidelity in our marriage. I know some days I still can’t believe it. We were both doing what some would call “affair proofing” our marriage.

The reasons behind what happened are deeply personal to Mr. K and that is not my story to tell but I want to tell you that if you think your marriage or your spouse is immune from being sexually impure or even having an emotional affair you would be wrong. It really can happen to anyone, and the more I read and the more I talk to people from all walks of life, income brackets, and social status I realize that monogamy really is a rare thing. I’ve had many people confide that they have gone through something similar, survived, and come out better for it but because of their children, church life, or social life have decided to keep it quiet. Which in some ways is a relief because some statistics say that only 3% of all couples survive infidelity. Luckily I have found other studies that put it closer to 40%.

I’ve been asked all kinds of personal questions about my marriage the last few months from my readers friends. I am going to try to touch on some of them in the hopes that if you ever find yourself in my situation you will remember what you have read and heed some of the wisdom we have learned the hard way.

One of my best friends, who is also friends with Mr. K, gave me the best advice as I laid on her floor in a heap of tears. She told me not to make any decisions about my marriage while I was an emotional, angry mess. She also told me not to kill him. I made a commitment to myself that I would make no life changing decisions for 90 days. This by far was one of the best decisions I made in the beginning. That and taking Ativan. Mr. K also got some words of wisdom from one of his best friends and that was to surrender any and all temptation and sacrifice whatever it took for me to trust him again. Mr. K did it willingly in an offer of repentance but also to say “I value us more.”

Immediately we returned to someone we trusted – our marriage counselor from 18 years earlier. Surprised to hear from us, he saw us immediately. I’m sure many people would turn to their pastors for guidance but I am not a fan of pastors as marriage counselors. I will write about that in another post, but lets just say my prayers to God in those first few days were not about saving my marriage, it was about not committing murder or doing something incredibly stupid. My friends must have been praying the same thing because some of them even came by the house or asked to speak to Mr. K that first week to make sure he was still alive. I’m not sure what this says about me but even my attorney was telling me “don’t do anything that would require bail money”. I love my friends.

So no one left. I am sure for some couples that may be the right choice, but for us it wasn’t. We needed each other. There was a lot of tears, a lot of heart pouring, unadulterated truth telling, and just gut wrenching emotional pain. We fell asleep wrapped up in each others arms with tear streaked faces and we couldn’t have been more vulnerable. I don’t think I have ever felt more emotions at one time in my life. One moment I was angry, in denial, and the next I was full of compassion and love. I can’t speak for him, but he was a mess. I can tell you that every day we made ONE VERY IMPORTANT DECISION – we chose each other. It wasn’t always easy. He says it was for him, but it was not easy for me. Some days choosing him has been hard.

People assume I am still here because of my children. I’m not. I’ve had readers friends ask or say to me “So you are sticking it out for the kids”, very matter of fact. Ummm, NO. I love my kids and I think they deserve an intact family, but they also deserve two happy parents. And I don’t want to offend anyone, but staying together for the kids in my opinion is not healthy. My kids will one day leave. I want to be in a solid relationship where I am loved, I am nurtured, I am taken care of and adored. I’m going to be blunt – this is about ME. This is one area of my life where I am going to be completely selfish. Also, I have been helping women in abusive situations and divorce situations for the past three plus years and don’t think I didn’t immediately go into “plan B” mode because I did.

I guess because I have always written about sex and bragged on our sexual frequency people have felt the need to ask – was there something missing from our sex life? That would be a NO. Also, curious minds want to also know – are we still having sex? That would be a YES. In fact it is better than ever. I can’t even put into words how fantastic it is. It is definitely surprising to us both, since what we had was already good. Many “experts” recommend abstaining from sex after finding out about infidelity in a relationship for a period of time. One book I read said 90 days. We definitely didn’t abstain for any length of time, we did what was right for US. (and our therapists all agreed) Plus me and no sex for 90 days would be disastrous for everyone within a 50 mile radius.

Someone asked me how I could still love Mr. K. I spent 20 years falling in love with him and a few months out of twenty years is not going to destroy that love. Challenge it – yes, destroy it – no. Mr. K is still Mr. K. He is still a good man, a good father, and yes, even a good husband. Most of all he is probably one of the few who sees me for exactly who I am and loves me anyway and why would I not love him like that? You either believe and live unconditional love or you don’t. You either accept people for who they are and love them or you don’t. Nothing he has done nor will do will change the simple fact that I love him.

The other day I was reading articles online about forgiveness and infidelity. I came across this one, My Evolving Thoughts on Infidelity and Forgiveness, forgetting that I had read it before. I scrolled through the comments and there looking back at me were my own words. Four years ago I commented on this post with no knowledge of the future.

There is no doubt that my love and trust are being tested. Love comes easily. Grace and forgiveness is a big part of who I am. Trust is much harder. Rebuilding trust is hard work and Mr. K is rising to the challenge daily. I am surprised at his diligence and the sacrifices he often has to make to rebuild trust with me but that goes back to the foundation in which our relationship was built upon.

The last four months the weather has been strange, much like my personal life. There were days I welcomed cold, wet days so that I had an excuse to crawl under the covers. Other days, I was glad to see the sun and to step out of my room for a cup of coffee and just embrace being alive. Lately, I just don’t take the small and simple things for granted. I savor them, like they are the last bites of a warm, chocolate chip cookie.

Even though the last four months of my marriage have been the most challenging and filled with heartache they have also been some of the most intense, loving, and honest moments of my marriage. The raw honesty between Mr. K and I is probably not shared by many couples. Sometimes I am shocked at how exposed we both are and how deeply emotional and open we both have been. It has been a profound spiritual experience. Each day is like a miracle and one neither of us has taken for granted since January 7th.

Yes, terrible things happen, but sometimes those terrible things; they save you. – Chuck Palahnuik

Every day I choose Mr. K. Some days are harder than others but I still choose him. I also choose joy and to look at all the little happy things around me. I could be bitter driven or love driven, the choice is mine. I feel a strong sense of compassion and empathy for my husband even though he really messed up while at the same time making very conscience choices that are good for me, even when it is hard to put myself first.

I used to not believe in love. I made a list and checked it twice before even giving it another chance in my life. I chose a man who met 9 out of 10 on a list to marry with the idea in mind that he would not break my heart. How wrong I was. Not only has my heart been broken, but I have spent 20 years falling madly in love with him. This is a good thing for him, because right now I am operating on that love and not on a list. I am trusting my heart and really laying myself open to more hurt and disappointment.

This time in my life has been a profound, spiritual experience. It seems all my senses are heightened and my heart more open. I am definitely more sensitive and my hard exterior has seemed to have broken. I think more people have seen my vulnerabilities these last four months than I care to admit. While you might expect my faith to be shaken, it has actually strengthened. Not only in that of a divine Truth Teller, but in Mr. K. He too has had to take great leaps of faith. For a person who denies the very existence of the divine and all that is Holy, I see something working within him that I have not seen in the past 20 years. He can’t deny the obvious miracles in his life anymore. The fact that I sleep beside him every night and he wakes to see me there each morning is a miracle – for both of us.

We have the power to let all things become wisdom.

When the shit hits the fan you get to make a choice – you can let it tear you apart or you can use what has happened to make your life better. I can tell you that it would be easier to be bitter, negative, and hateful. It takes work not to be sarcastic, vindictive, and controlling. There is a lot of effort made not to throw daily pity parties and point fingers. Instead I have allowed to grow personally and in my marriage absorbing all the lessons life is trying to teach me.

I don’t want to miss anything. I want to embrace all that life has to offer. Surprisingly I have had some of the happiest moments of my marriage the last four months. There has been such tenderness between the two of us and really just plain fun times. The laughter is real, the smiles are genuine, and the embraces are heart felt. Nothing the last four months has been haphazard between us and nothing has been taken for granted.

We are weathering the storm even though there are jolts of lightening and clashing thunder at times. We are staying anchored by our love and being restored with grace and forgiveness. People have asked – do you think your marriage can be saved? do you believe your love and trust can be restored?

Yes. Yes I do, but it is a choice me and Mr. K are making everyday.

For the first time since I started homeschooling I took the summer off last year. We spent our days mostly at the pool, soaking up movies, and just hanging out with friends. Boredom set in as July came to a close and in August we were back to the books and more traditional curriculum. My oldest daughter was registered to take classes at Classically Homeschooled Mobile and I decided to approach the year with a lot less on my plate and saying no more often to heading and leading things in the community. I still was very involved but learned how to say “no” a lot more often.

First I want to say that in all the years I have homeschooled this has been one of the best years we have had as a family. Primarily I think this is because of the people we chose to surround ourselves with but also because a lot of negativity and people who had influenced me and the social circle we were a part of had moved on to greener pastures. We were all eager to make new friends, though guarded, and open ourselves to the larger homeschooling community.

I have to give big kudos to the Mobile Secular Homeschool Group. Not only has it grown this year, but we have had some great field trips, park days, and discussions about homeschooling. The group also partnered with other homeschooling groups in the area on most of our events. A lot of people have shied away from the homeschooling group due to the word “Secular”. They often interpret this is as anti-Christian. In fact, of most the groups I have been affiliated with, you might be surprised that the group embodies the true teachings of Jesus Christ – being kind, not judging, love each other, and service. Religion, Politics, Age, Homeschooling Style, and Family Style are not an issue in our group. We are all inclusive. This means Pagans, Atheists, Jews, Christians, Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Socialists and anyone else for that matter can go on a park day and not worry about being ostracized and judged for their beliefs. We are just homeschooling parents, looking for some socialization, and letting the kids have a good time together. And that is exactly what has gone on this year, which is totally awesome considering it was an election year and the world seems to have gone mad at times.

The big thing that has been going on this homeschool year is there seems to be a bit of a change in the homeschooling climate in our area. A lot of parents (and kids) are tired of the exclusivity, the cliques, and the drama often involved in more exclusive organizations. It has been awesome to meet people that just say the judgment of others and how they homeschool has to end and that the kids need to come first. In an effort to spread the word, share the love, and become a stronger community my friend Beth started Free 2 Homeschool in the Mobile Alabama Area. She also started an Adventure Club which in just its first few meetings has been a huge hit. Both of these groups are all inclusive and are working with other inclusive groups in the area.

This year for me as a mother was a huge leap of faith in many areas and one was signing my daughter, who is now 16, up for classes at Classically HomeSchooled Mobile. While I am a Jesus follower and there is no statement of faith to be involved in the cooperative classes with this organization, it is decidedly Christian. Sometimes you are not sure what that exactly means. A lot of “Christians” do not count me as one of the chosen if you get my drift. I was a bit nervous about being treated like the black sheep – “here comes that gay supporting liberal crazy woman”. Luckily my friend Debi was there to hold my hand. I mentally was prepared for the fake smiles and the side hug. (if you don’t know what a side hug is email me)

I couldn’t have been more pleasantly surprised and blessed. What a wonderful group of women and children. I kept it real, minus the bad language because ya know I can hold my tongue when need be, was myself, as was my daughter and we couldn’t have had a better experience. We were embraced in kindness and love. I have had some really great conversations with some really fabulous women I never would have met had I not opened myself up to this experience. My daughter, who is introverted, has made wonderful friends and in fact has gained a lot of respect for others of differing views than hers and our family. I can honestly say that “decidedly Christian” has meant “Decidedly we are going to follow Jesus with our actions and not our mouths”. I can’t tell you enough how refreshing that is.

The planning for the next year has already begun and I am at peace with where things are going. I feel good about the direction we are going and the people we are joining on the journey. There is a saying, when one door shuts another one will open and it couldn’t be more true. This time last year I felt insecure and let down (and that I had let others down) but everything has turned out much better than I could have expected it for us.

We have had a pretty relaxed “school year” when it has come to curriculum but next year it will be more defined for the three older kids while still giving them a lot of freedom. I am really glad I just let go of a lot of worry, responsibility, and frankly, negative associations. Also I broke my give a damn when it came to what other people thought of our “home school”.

He is the best pet ever. He was purchased at the Mobile, Alabama, PetSmart on July 4th. He was only about three inches long and now he is 16 inches long. He may grow another foot. We purchase all our supplies for our beardie from PetSmart.

When we began shopping for a bearded dragon we looked to purchased at a locally owned pet store but found their aquariums dirty and the animals and reptiles not being cared for properly. Even where their live food was kept was not very sanitary so we decided to go with a chain store because it was 1) cleaner and 2) they tended to treat the pets they sold their very well. The staff was also informative and very helpful plus PetSmart does do a lot of out reach in our community when it comes to pet adoptions from local rescues.

On Black Friday I purchased a larger terrarium for our growing bearded dragon. It was time for him to move up to a 40 gallon tank. We had researched and read reviews on what kind to get and the Black Friday price was not to be missed. We bought one of the last two that day.

We must have gotten a dud, because the frame and doors cracked and today one of the doors fell out of the hinges and broke in half. I took pictures and drove up to PetSmart not to exchange it or even get a refund but to mostly see what I could do to either a) fix it and b) contacting the company about it being defective and them possibly replacing it. The store manager Al was extremely helpful. He looked at my pictures and asked me a few questions about our terrarium and then he told me I could bring the broken one in and he would exchange it for another one. I was really happy because this size terrarium normally costs around $200.

This is what you call great customer service. I was just expecting to get some information or help in what to do but instead I got much more. I wish more businesses would be as friendly and as helpful as the Mobile, Alabama, PetSmart. Tonight our beardie is stretched out in his new terrarium and PetSmart has definitely won our repeated business and praise.

**This is not a sponsored post. Just my opinion and praise of a local business. – KJWK