One Step At A Time

Trying To Get Refocused

2010-02-08T09:12:00.001-05:00

Its amazing sometimes how much an illness can throw you off track. Especially when that wonderful time of the month pops its head up as well. Rather feel like everything fell down around my ears while I was battling a cold and Kidlet had some stomach virus. But its a new day now, she’s at school and I’m home and ready for action! Oh, and a ton of coffee. Today is one of those days I really wish I could just stick a coffee IV in me and go about my day.

Lots to do, have to get my home back into some sort of order, make some money (don’t we all?) and get ready for the fun to start on Wednesday! I’ll have a brand new, bouncing nephew to coo at and take pictures of then. Which means many hospital hours! Its worth it though, but I’d like to be able to spend time with my family without worrying overmuch about everything at home. Also this week is a sleep over for Kidlet at a friend’s house, and social time for Momma! Yay! I get to talk to grownups who aren’t a member of my family! :)

Part of the revamp is having a more active social life, I can’t play the hermit forever. And its fun to get together with close friends and do things, besides the normal round of kid’s birthday parties. I would like to entertain more at home as well. Lots of plans swirling around this head. But first I have to get the foundation started! Can’t go jumping in without a plan, that gets me nowhere fast. I’ll get back on top of my game one way or another…even if it kills me.

Boy I’m Productive

2010-02-01T09:36:00.001-05:00

Image by torontocitylife via Flickr

At least this weekend was! I’m completely cleaning and decluttering my home, from top to bottom…kind of like an early spring cleaning. My home is probably the number one thing that holds me back from where I want to be in life, since I’m constantly seeing more to do. And as a bit of a perfectionist, I can’t let it go, even if I do nothing about it. I decided recently that my entire life needs to more or less be revamped. And let me tell you, its a lot of work so far! But my motivation is high, and I’m tackling things one step at a time…starting with the house.

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Then I’ll start tackling the financial things, motherhood things and learning things. I’m slowly developing a step by step plan, a life to do list if you would. I plan on gaining control over my life (somehow it seems to have slipped from my grasp) in all aspects. I’ve set deadlines for some things that are holding me in the “waiting” pattern, and am taking steps for a more active social life…I don’t hate quite everyone. ;) I feel good about 2010, and while I know it isn’t going to be all sunshine and roses, I’m more then willing to make the effort. Though I’d still not say no to winning the lottery of course. :)

I’m bound and determined to have the ball rolling before my 27th birthday, and gaining momentum. I have a lot to accomplish between now and then, but I really REALLY need to stop letting the past and my bloody emotions to dictate my future. I’m tired of that little voice in my head that says that my life would be easier “if only…blah blah blah”. Sure it would, but it would be easier if I remembered who I am and got off my butt and did something about it too! So I’m making 2010 the year I get up off my ass and do something about it. All in the name of balance you see. ;)

A Better Day

2010-01-29T09:42:00.001-05:00

I think because I actually got some sleep last night! Was in bed right after midnight, instead of 2 or 3 am like I had been. Took a nice relaxing bath with my muscle soak before bed, which helps prevent my back and hips from giving out on me. Especially with all the cleaning I do, and the fact that I spend a lot of time on a regular basis sitting in a kitchen chair working. Not the best thing for sciatic nerve damage, that’s for sure! But until I have the home of my dreams (with a home office) it is what it is.

Got lots of cleaning done yesterday, and still have tons more to do today. I got my big closet cleaned out and reorganized, and hung up a lot of my clothes that were stuffed into my bureau…until I ran out of hangers. Oops. Still not finished my bedroom, but its getting there. Several things are on their way out, which makes me very happy. The less crap I have, the better. Been debating some sort of built in type storage space in my room, because I have no where to store those things that I do actually use. Which is a lot of the reason why my entire house looks cluttered. This place is so tiny, and so old that storage is a huge issue. Currently I think I’ll use some of the bureau drawers that I’ve emptied to hold things like my notebooks and binders that I use constantly. Yay for junk drawers! Still have the other closet to clean out, so we’ll see. I’m pretty sure I’ll need more plastic tubs though. ;)

I’m pretty much revamping my entire life, from the ground up. And that means this blog as well. I’m going to be tweaking the blog, not removing it for those that are worried. There’s a lot of work to be done, both offline and on. But I can’t just sit on my thumbs. Things have to change, and as I’m the only one who can change them, I need to work my butt off. It could stand to lose a few inches I’m sure. I’ve started making a “wants” list, and there are a few other lists I need to create. I love lists! Lists keep me focused, and I need that now. I’m going to try writing goals like to do’s…just some slight tweaking, making them more specific and not time dependant, that sort of thing.

Wasting Time

2010-01-28T13:39:00.001-05:00

Image by AF-Photography via Flickr

One of my biggest problems is the inefficient use of my time. I’m a pathological time waster these days. Instead of focusing on what I want and what needs to be done, I spend my time on Twitter, forums, Yahoo Messenger, phone calls…the list just goes on and on. I never used to be like this, but I have to accept that I am now…and start changing it.

When I was a teen, I had to make every moment count – I held three jobs, 12 classes a year, sports, homework…never mind actually having a social life. But now, I have too much time. My day isn’t structured by any outside forces, so I have to structure them myself. And that’s a constant work in progress! On a deep level, I want to cram as much living as possible with the natural time constraints we all have, but for whatever reason I find myself instead aimlessly shifting through space. I know I can cram a lot into the 24 hours I have, so its not a lack of ability…nor is it a lack of desire. But I think that until I figure out what truly lies at the bottom of my issues with time management, I will get no closer to the ultimate goal. Time is passing without me.

Feeling Frustrated

2010-01-27T11:28:00.001-05:00

Image by Mr. Fotoshop via Flickr

I just feel like such a failure right now, and I’m frustrated at my inability to do what I need to do. There is really no basis for the failure feelings, besides me not meeting my own standards. There’s so much in my life that I have to fix, so many different aspects, and they are all tied into each other. For every step forward I make in one area of my life, I seem to take two steps back in another. This is a lot of the reason why 2010’s one little word is balance. I feel like I’m walking through water all the time, no matter what I do…until I’m ready to scream.

I know there is a lesson in here somewhere, that its happening for a reason…but its driving me crazy. Its always like the answer is just out of reach, in plain view but I can’t see it. I do try to see each day as a new opportunity, but sometimes all the little maxims I live by get tossed out of the window. Its not like I’m not trying to get out of this…I can see some ways clearly, and have been attempting them. I’m not just sitting here doing nothing, I’m taking steps to achieve what I want. The problem is it seems like the more I try, the deeper into it I get. Kind of like quicksand, the more I struggle, the deeper I sink. And I hate it, I’m tired and my strength is fading. Giving up isn’t an option, but what on earth am I missing? I’ve been in the same holding pattern for years, and I don’t know why…just that it continues to get worse with every passing year.

Any thoughts out there? I want my drive back, and I want to feel like I accomplished something damn it. I just want my life to be mine.

Still Sick And Another Blog…

2010-01-26T09:22:00.001-05:00

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Well, besides being sick (and utterly exhausted) things are going a fair deal better today. For one thing, Kidlet has school! I could dance. I love my baby, but she is a handful…and I’m her sole entertainment. The weather is still crappy though, keeps going from rain, to slush, to snow and back through the cycle again. My ankle is doing much better today, so I’m aiming for a far more productive day today. Still probably going to require lots of coffee and a nap at some point!

I can be so stubborn when it comes to my own physical pain, I ignore it. Not to the point of ridiculous (usually), but I don’t let it stop me from getting things done. I limped around most of the day yesterday cleaning, cooking, playing with Kidlet etc. Of course I did have to warn her about playing too rough when Momma is “broken”. I’d say based on how my ankle feels today, I didn’t break it. Its still sore, but not at all painful.

For those of you into housework (or need some help with it), I actually started a new blog. I know, another one. Its called Chaos To Organized, and its basically me talking about my day and what I got done, housework-wise. There will be much more eventually, such as cleaning tips, cleaning product reviews and things of that nature, but for right now its pretty much just me cleaning. There are pictures though, and will be more! I’ll be focusing on this blog, Chaos To Organized, and Through The Library Window the most.

I swear, that World Record for the most blogs is right around the corner….

Another No School Day

2010-01-25T11:07:00.001-05:00

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Kidlet once again has an unscheduled day off. I’m really not sure why this time, but I assume that there is a reason. It started raining last night, so I’m not sure if its ice, flooding or power outages. I’m actually watching her skate down the driveway in her boots, so perhaps ice was the deal of the day. So today is another day that I’m thrown off schedule.

Not sure how to make it productive either. I’ve already wasted half of the morning…alright, all of the morning!…by choosing to park my rear and read blogs, watch TV, and do nothing. I get way too distracted by her to write much, but I suppose there is no need to really waste the day. Though I did do a little work on the knitted dishcloth I’m trying out. Perhaps I can clean, since I didn’t do much yesterday or Saturday.

I will admit to not feeling great still, especially my ankle, which I twisted but good this morning. I actually heard something snap/pop…but its not swollen, I can still move it, so I’m wondering if I didn’t just bother an old injury. I can walk on it, it just aches. So graceful, I know. Unfortunately I inherited my Dad’s ankles, which roll out from underneath rather easily…and I haven’t been doing my exercises to keep the tendons/ligaments strong. I’ll see how it progresses, sometimes injuries are worse then they’re immediately known.

Discombobulated

2010-01-22T11:11:00.001-05:00

I’m all kinds of out of sorts today, which is rather disappointing after the productive day I had yesterday. Maybe its the Friday blues, or I’m coming down with something. Not sure yet, though I don’t feel all that great physically either right now. But that could be many things, not just illness. I’ll have to wait and see if a cold is developing or not. I’m really hoping for not, as I need my faculties in order to drag myself out of the chaos my life is right now.

Woke up late this morning, which I’m sure did not help matters any. Had to drive Kidlet to school, and that really screwed with my morning routine. This whole week has been off kilter to say the least! All I want to do right now is to go back to bed and sleep for a week, but obviously I’m fighting that urge. Too much to do, and now less time to do it in!

Guess you can’t fight nature. So today I’m just going to do what I can, when I can.

Crazy Times

2010-01-21T08:36:00.001-05:00

Ugh, having my daughter home nearly all week has seriously messed up my schedule. But I think it helped too, because I wasn’t ready to process all that has happened yet, and without processing it, I couldn’t come up with a workable solution. Still not quite there yet, but all I can do is move forward. At least I’m hoping that the rash of backsliding is done for this time around.

One bright side of all this mayhem is I’m journaling again. And trying to get into the habit of daily journal pages, but at least weekly. I carry too much inside me with no outlet. While I haven’t blown yet, I have blown off steam…which has to be the most unhelpful thing I’ve ever done. It really didn’t help with anything, and just seemed to add more feelings on top of it. It wasn’t until I set my thoughts and feelings down on paper that I started making sense of the whirling thoughts.

Still have no plan though. The first step for me I think will be coming up with a daily routine and sticking to it. My days tend to be very unstructured in even the most basic sense. Which is nice to some extent, but I think having even a little structure in my day will help. And this includes weekends and other days when Kidlet is home. It especially should help me solve the big balance issue!

On the rodent front, its been quiet. I might have heard a bit of noise last night, but its hard to tell with all the snow. Personally I want all the damage fixed already, but it takes two people and getting Matt’s help is like pulling teeth. Especially with Dad’s back the way it is now. I just have to suck it up for a little bit I suppose…though I’m still shaken by that damn rodent! I hate them all with a passion, when they are in my home.

Hard Times Ahead

2010-01-18T13:41:00.001-05:00

Image by Ken Lund via Flickr

Well, we have caught something in the rat trap that was set. But it wasn’t a squirrel. It was a RAT! Apparently a loose pet rat, but a rat nonetheless. And its been quiet…so either it found a red squirrel hole and moved in, or that was the culprit all along. Hard to tell, especially with the recently dead red squirrels.

Because of all the damage, Dad has decided that this place is just one step shy of condemned. So that means I need a new one, and none of us have the money for one. Nothing can be done until spring, so I have to raise the money to purchase a new trailer (new to me). That gives me at least 4 months, so things are going to be tight here…not that they aren’t already.

I’ll admit it, I’m extremely stressed out. So stressed that I took a drive yesterday and ended up buying a pack of cigarettes. I’ll go back to being quit afterwards, no matter how the stress is, because I can’t spend 5-6 bucks per pack. That kind of money adds up fast. And Dad is insisting on a cement pad (this one is on gravel), and it would be a great opportunity to have some of the land behind this one cleared out. There is just too much damage to fix at this point, and its gotten to the point where its not worth it to fix it. The main thing for me is the trailer…I have to stay close to my parents due to their health issues. No matter how much I’d rather run!

I’m putting a donate button on the blog for those of you who are so inclined. Do not feel as if you HAVE to, do so only if you want to and can afford to. The money will be going into a completely separate account then my main. If you do donate, thank you in advance, it is greatly appreciated.

Thank God Its Friday

2010-01-15T09:55:00.001-05:00

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It couldn’t have come fast enough for me! Its funny how even working from home, Friday is a good day…even though I’m prone to work through the weekend. But I don’t have to work! And being a single Mom, Friday means the end of the school week, and I can sleep in a bit for the next two days. That’s always awesome!

The squirrel is still on the loose. We’ve set a rat trap to see if we can catch (and kill) the darn thing. Red squirrels are shot on sight up here, and this is why! I know they have a part to play in nature just like everything else, but they can play their part way out in the woods where they are safe from roaming bullets. If we catch the silly thing, then Dad is going to patch up all the spots we’ve found so far. If he patched them up with the thing on the loose, it would just chew a new hole somewhere else. Sometimes I wonder if my floor isn’t going to collapse on me one day.

In the spirit of “trap or kill the red squirrel”, I had to clean like a banshee yesterday. In particular in Kidlet’s room, as I found evidence of it being in there. And in case you are wondering WHAT evidence…droppings. I ended up having to rewash all her clothes as the stupid thing crawled into her drawers. Fortunately no holes were found (so far) in her room. Apparently it had migrated in there in search of the elusive play dough.

There is still a lot of housework to be done, as I’ve decided now would be a good time to change things around. Don’t know what on earth I’ve been smoking lately, but there you go. Kidlet’s old toy chest is about to become my sheet and blanket holder…she now is the proud owner of the toy box my Dad built me when I was a baby. :) Her old toy chest is a cedar box that I got for $20 at a yard sale. It looks like it was meant to be part of a window seat or something like that. Its perfect for linens. Of course its currently blocking my hallway, as I attempt to figure out how to get it in my room, and where. Its going to be interesting, that’s for sure!

Woman Vs Squirrel

2010-01-14T09:19:00.001-05:00

Image by orcmid via Flickr

The battle continues. Last night I found yet another possible entrance for this thing…I’m being invaded on all ends. Still guessing its a squirrel, due to the sheer amount of damage and destructiveness. One corner of my living room is now missing about a 2-3 inch by 6ish inch patch of carpeting. Why? Apparently just cause it can. Also found what looks to be squirrel droppings in my daughter’s clothes drawers. Yeah, thanks for making more work for me you little shit. Anyone know of any cheap and easy squirrel deterrent? I’ve already tried Peppermint Oil…apparently that isn’t phasing this guy…or I need to refresh certain cotton balls. Its worked on the mice, but this squirrel is bound and determined to get in here. Dad’s supposed to come over today, lets see how THAT goes.

In other news:

This has actually been a fairly productive morning, at least as far as cleaning goes. I’m still really tired, but I had to clean up some of Kidlet’s mess, and make things look semi-presentable in here. There’s still much more to do, as always, but I’ve gotten a decent start. And now its time to focus on writing and things of that nature.

Yesterday was grocery shopping day. Is the price of food ever going to go DOWN? I only have to feed two people, and it costs me over $400 a month to do so. I know I can cut some things out, but not a lot. Its ridiculous! And I buy mostly ingredients, not premade meals. I can’t wait for spring and garden season, that should help cut some of my grocery bill down. And the produce won’t be tasteless and over handled.

My brother Jeff and his wife and daughter are due to arrive at some point today. Hoping Dad can migrate his way over here before they get here. Kristin and Matt had a false alarm with the baby last night, was rather glad I had bought my baby shower gift already! This is going to be a busy weekend, with Kristin’s baby shower and Jeff’s visit. One thing that’s really bugging me is the fact that I can’t remember if I got my niece a Glow Worm. Its my traditional gift, and I know I bought one for Mikey and now one for the new baby-to-be, but I can’t recall if I gave one to Sam or not. I’m pretty sure she was the first one, but now I’m all unsure. Don’t you hate that? Guess I’ll have to ask Jeff if I did or not.

Yay, Its Tuesday

2010-01-12T14:43:00.001-05:00

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Been feeling cruddy since Thursday. Blech. Nothing of any import got done all weekend, although I did drag my cruddy rear end to the store to pick up birthday cards for Mom’s birthday on Saturday. Her birthday was Sunday. My little brother and his wife took Mom and Dad out to eat Sunday night, while I watched the kiddos. I haven’t even wanted to play Sims 2, so I settled for lots of reading. Now my house is trashed, I still feel cruddy, and I need to catch up on book reviews. Thinking I’m just going to drag out my timer and work on things a few minutes at a time as I can. Feeling pretty restless, so I figure I might as well make it productive.

Dad is trying to get Matt over here to help him move my washer and dryer…so they can investigate the critter invasion. From what I heard the other night, its coming through under there. But I don’t know if there is a hole under there, or if they are coming through the wall from the back closet. Or if there is somewhere completely unrelated that they are coming through. All I care about is finding the entrance and blocking it. I severely dislike having critters in my home. Still not sure what the fascination is with the Play Dough, but I guess it keeps it occupied. Still haven’t gotten a glimpse of the critter, but I still suspect squirrel. Red to be precise. Nasty lil buggers.

How was everyone else’s weekend?

Today Has Been Declared OFF!

2010-01-08T15:27:00.001-05:00

And pretty much the rest of the weekend too. I’ve declared this weekend a state of emergency for myself. I’m exhausted, not feeling too hot…I think last weekend finally caught up with me. All I’ve done so far today was sleep, post a book review on Through The Library Window, and now I’m writing this blog post. I’ll probably still mosey about, not saying that its going to be completely unproductive. But I sense that there will be an awful lot of Sims 2 being played.

I don’t want to burn out before truly getting started. I’ll see you on Monday, unless I have something particularly blog worthy. :)

What A Morning!

2010-01-07T09:40:00.001-05:00

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The day started out innocently enough too. Woke up on time, Kidlet got ready for school, and then we ended up sideways. Literally. I was driving down the road and hit a slick spot while going down a small hill. I had to crawl out of the car through the passenger side door, and then walk up the road to grab my Dad. I couldn’t get out. I now know that our road is exactly the length of my car from snow bank to snow bank! Fortunately no one got hurt, and there is only very minor damage to the car. Hitting icy snow banks is always a no win situation for a vehicle. At any speed. So I ended up having to drive Kidlet to school, instead of her taking the happy little school bus. Again.

Anyone know what critter could drag/carry a decent sized potato from the kitchen to in between my washer and dryer? I know for a fact that it wasn’t there yesterday, and I even know where exactly the potato came from. My nephew is always getting into my potatoes when he comes over (he has an obsession with apples right now) and this one was right next to the soda, right by the bag. Now how did it get all the way down the hall and between my washer and dryer? I don’t know, didn’t think mice were quite that strong. Kidlet also found one of her PlayDough’s there. Still in the container. Hmm, this is a puzzle. I hate critters. If it is a critter of some sort (don’t see how it couldn’t be), I’m not too sure where it is coming from. My guess would have to be the hot water heater portion of the closet, since I saw acorns in there (only like 4). I hear critters moving around a lot, but its hard to tell if its outside, inside or underneath. Tin walls suck!

Now my day will consist of writing. I have book reviews to do, articles to write, and I’m participating (sort of) in LAFFN (Let’s All Finally Finish A Novel). I guess I’m a glutton for punishment!

Technorati Tags: General,Rodents,Critters,Winter Roads

One Little Word…

2010-01-06T09:33:00.001-05:00

Good morning! Yesterday was actually fairly productive. I started a book review, submitted three articles that I had been sitting on, and wrote a couple of blog posts. I am trying to develop routines for the house as well, and started a morning one which worked out well. But it leaves things out that need to be taken care of. I only give myself an hour to do it, and the one I have just about eats it all up. I think my next step will be a mid-morning routine. I noticed that I start to fade out around 10 or 11, that my brain disengages from writing. So that seems like a natural time to insert a mid-morning routine to do a few odds and ends, and recharge my brain for some more writing. I’d rather get an hour of decent writing then 8 hours of zoning and drifting around.

Balance: Rocks Art Print
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If I had to pick one word for 2010 to explain my goals and focus, it would have to be balance. I first heard about One Little Word from Polly at Sotto Voice. One Little Word was created by Ali Edwards, and the premise is that you choose one word to focus on through the coming year. You can read all about this wonderful idea here and here. Balance is something I desperately need in my life. I tend to roam from one extreme to the other, though not in mood, and that always leaves me with lots of little pieces (and sometimes rather large pieces) laying around. I’ve gotten stuck in a case of this verses that. Either my house is near spotless and my writing is nonexistent, or I focus on my writing and my house is in shambles. That’s just one example. There are many more!

What’s your one little word for 2010?

Technorati Tags: One Little Word,Balance,General,Housework,Writing For Pay

Happy New Year!

2010-01-05T09:33:00.001-05:00

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Only 5 days late. But boy have I been busy! I made goals for the new year, and for once started carrying them out immediately. I cleaned the house Friday, Sat and Sunday. I got in closets, moved furniture, the works. Still have to finish the bedroom though, as I also spent the weekend shoveling. Remind me of that next time I say I want more exercise! I’ve decided to get rid of quite a bit, and some of the “junk” has already left in the hands of either my Mom or Kristin. I’m so glad to get rid of it!

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Obviously, my first “resolution” was to get my house clean, so I could move on to other goals. Being a single Mom, my house can get pretty messy, and in some ways I use the junk and mess as my own personal little fortress. World stay out, me stay in basically. But sadly, that holds me back from actually going after what I want, because I can’t do this because I have to clean, or I can’t do that because I have to clean. I got tired of being in a perpetual state of “cleaning”. And when I wasn’t cleaning, the mess was distracting me from what I was doing, such as writing. Clutter is a pain in the ASS! I love that wooden sign above, that fits my normal cleaning cycle!

Great, its snowing again. Like three days of nothing but snow wasn’t enough. We ended up getting an easy two feet, probably more. Clean up was fun, since I kept running out of places to put the silly snow! On Sunday Dad couldn’t get the plow truck up my driveway, so I had to shovel a lot of it by hand. Fortunately we managed to get the truck in yesterday (amid a lot of hassle) so he could finish, as there was NO WAY I was going to manage it all by myself. I got the top portion done, and it killed me. We had kept it clear Friday and Sat, then by Sunday morning we had another foot to clean up. And it was all sticky, wet, heavy snow to boot.

This is the view of the middle portion of the driveway…hard to tell how much snow there is.

It doesn’t look that deep here, but this is the top portion of the driveway, well part of it anywho.

Anyone want some snow? This is the rest of the top portion. Can you find the front of the car? I couldn’t! And yes, its STILL coming down.

By Sunday night, I was ready to scream if any more snow came down. Or cry. My body is really sore from all the cleanup, though I will count it as cardio and strength training! Trying to look on the bright side. :)

Anyone else make any goals for 2010? How are they going so far?

Technorati Tags: New Year,Winter,Weather,Snow,Cleaning,Housework,Snow Cleanup

The Winter Blues

2009-12-15T15:39:00.001-05:00

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One thing I hate about winter is it constantly seems like a chore to do anything. It gets dark too early, its too cold, it just breeds procrastination. And with Christmas just around the corner, I don’t know about you but I cannot afford to procrastinate. But its so easy to slip into silly things, and once again I find half a month gone before I’ve done what I’ve set out to do.

I can’t continue this way. Fortunately all my shopping is done, so I do not need immediate income, but I do have to replenish my bank account before my bills are due. Which means I have to write. And lately that seems to be a huge struggle! Especially with my Dad’s back being out, and myself having to be at his beck and call. Though I am getting loads done, its not the most important work. I know I’m being too hard on myself, but I just don’t know what else to do. I’m a grade A perfectionist.

So I’m trying to redirect my energy back to my income producing work once more. I do not wish to fail, as nothing else will give me the freedom I have thus enjoyed. And with my family, I need that freedom…since I never know what could happen. My Dad would have been high and dry had I not been home, and that could have been disastrous.

On the plus side, at least I’m catching it now, instead of the beginning of January. What are you procrastinating on?

Technorati Tags: Procrastination,Writing For Pay,Winter,Christmas,Back Pain,Family

Starting Over…Again

2009-11-30T08:21:00.001-05:00

Technorati Tags: General,Beginnings

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Sometimes I wonder if I just like new beginnings. A new day, a new blog, a new whatever…But I’m not actually going anywhere this time. I haven’t been doing what I set out to do now for quite some time. Chaos has ruled much of my life, and while not ALL of that is my fault, an extremely large portion (say 99.9%) of it is.

I need to get my shit in order. Need to get my head spun back around. I had directed my laser like focus to the wrong subject (yeah yeah, LONG story…so not going there. Its over, done, healing) and now its disoriented. I stopped learning. I honestly do not think I’ve become immersed in any other subject in years. And for someone of my nature, that’s like a slow, painful death. No wonder I’m dead tired all the time…and frankly feeling not too far above what I would imagine re-animated dead to feel like.

How does one restart their life? Unlike a blog, webpage, screen name, etc one cannot just start from scratch with a defined clean slate. And in some ways, I wouldn’t want to forget everything…I’ve worked hard to get here, and learned many lessons along the way. Many of which I really do not care to repeat, comprende? :)

I’m not a big fan of floating aimlessly through life, but perhaps there’s a lesson in there somewhere. Either way I need to break free of my self-defined hell by getting back to basics. Not sure how to do it, but it can only be done one step and one day at a time. Before I go truly certifiable.

Looking Back Through Time…

2009-11-23T11:53:00.001-05:00

Technorati Tags: General,Dreams,Discipline,Housework

Recently I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about who I have been over the years, and the time that stands out the most is my high school years. It was not only the busiest time of my life, but also my happiest. I was on top of the world, and had years to accomplish all the things I dreamed about.

10 years later…I’ve lost those dreams, and have accomplished nothing.

When I was in high school, I was taking over 14 classes a year…well above and beyond the maximum 8 (4 classes per day). I also was active in sports, particularly track and indoor track, and held down at least one job at any given time. Never mind the really active social life of a teenager. I think I averaged about 2 hours a sleep a night between all that, homework and household chores. I balanced it all and had energy to spare.

What happened to that? I went from never being able to say put for a minute, to having a hard time finding the energy and motivation to even do dishes, never mind anything else. My discipline has disappeared, my motivation is shot, my energy nonexistent. Did I burn out too young?

A New Month Has Started

2009-11-03T12:10:00.001-05:00

Technorati Tags: NaNoWriMo,Writing For Pay,Freelance Writing

And my goal is not to sleep through most of it like I did October. That is the one downside to working from home…oh, I think I want to take a nap. Five hours later, nothing has gotten done. Not really the best business model. In fact, its a good way to lose your shirt if you don’t have backup. Fortunately I haven’t lost my shirt yet, but its getting close. Unless I actually WORK from home. Ahh the rub…

Since its November, I’m engaged in NaNoWriMo, so I’m at least starting the month off right. Anyone else doing NaNoWriMo out there? Feel free to leave a comment with your link and I’ll add you as a buddy. Can’t have too much support, 50k is a lot of words. I get inspired when I see everyone else’s word counts, brings out the competitive edge I guess. My NaNoWriMo project is tentatively called The Blacksmith. I’ve had this character attempting to tear me apart for a few months now, so I figured now would be a good time to let him out to tell his story. Which honestly, I’m not 100% sure what it will be…the idea is currently about a blacksmith who ends up in another world that is completely different then what he’s used to…but we’ll have to see as the story progresses.

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I really do need to get far more disciplined about writing…a couple of articles a month aren’t cutting it. Especially since I want to add a few more projects on, add some more income work, plus NaNoWriMo. How do other freelancers do it? I know some of you out there have health problems, are single parents, and face challenges even harder then mine. Advice, tips, and in the case of some of you, a beat down are all welcome. :) (For those of you who don’t know, or recently found this blog, I’m a single mother. I have health issues thanks to Uncle Sam, as well as taking care of a disabled father and a mother with cancer. Plus life and trying to make a living writing. Gah.)

Need more money…but don’t we all?

479 / 50000 words. 1% done!

My Knitting Projects

2009-10-27T09:44:00.001-04:00

I currently have three knitting projects going on, a dishcloth that I’m trying out, a scarf for the Princess, and a baby blanket for my Special Boy (nephew). The most important of the projects of course being the scarf, as its getting colder and colder around here.

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I quite enjoy knitting, surprisingly. Its a very nice quiet project. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not very good at it, but I’m learning as I go. My Nana got me started, as well as my Mom, and its a great way to unwind at the end of the day. I only really know one stitch, the basic stitch, but I can do quite a bit with that! :)

My three knitting projects ~ the baby blanket square, the scarf and the dish cloth from left to right.

Not too shabby, although there are times I wonder if I haven’t bitten off more then I can chew…but the nice thing about knitting is its always there. Unless it gets unraveled.

Technorati Tags: Knitting

Fall Colors

2009-10-20T19:37:00.002-04:00

I’ve taken lots of photos of the fall colors here in Maine lately. Fall is one of my favorite seasons. Okay, I love them all, but fall holds a special place in my heart. Even if it does mean so much more work!

We haven’t hit peak yet, so there are still many green leaves on the trees. But I think it adds a bit more variety to all the colors, and makes a wonderful backdrop.

Of course, living in the woods like I do makes for quite the view at any season.

Technorati Tags: Fall Color,Nature,Leaves

The First Snow and Other Nonsense

2009-10-19T08:18:00.001-04:00

I’m doing much better, although my back still pains me. But I can’t let it get me down. I have a life to lead. One of the changes I’m making will be taking an internet break. Now I’ll still be blogging, submitting articles and doing research, but for the most part all my work will be done offline…much in the form of pen and paper. I need to get away from the distractions the computer brings for a bit, so that I can continue on my journey.

This is what I woke up to this morning.

I’m not ready for this. Its only October! The fall chores aren’t even complete yet, I’m not ready to think of winter. I don’t start thinking of winter until after the first of November, which is the normal time to start thinking snow. Not now, while we’re still in harvest season. Yes, those are still GREEN leaves on trees, we haven’t hit peak season around here yet either.

Have I mentioned I’m not ready for this yet?

Technorati Tags: Snow,Winter,Back Pain

An Update..

2009-10-15T14:45:00.003-04:00

Technorati Tags: Back Pain,General

My back is still out, which is making it rather hard to sit at the computer for long lengths of time. I’ve only been getting minimal things done, but I have been puttering. I also haven’t forgotten to show you the latest fall colors or my knitting post, they’ll be coming up soon.
On top of the pain, I’ve been extremely tired lately. I think its in part due to the pain and not getting enough sleep at night, so I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping during the day. Rather reduces the amount of time I have! Things are still moving slowly forward though.