Counting Sheep

Sadness

2012-10-01T21:48:00.000-05:00

Sad tonight. I feel overwhelmed by life right now. Im sorry girls, I know how badly you want me to do more with you. I'm so tired and sad right now it is probably best if I go to sleep. I love you all.

Chris drank 4oz from 7am-5pm. He nursed a little better at night but he is really sweating. That panic feeling comes and goes. Sometime I tjink I just want someone to tell me he is fine. That I can stop worrying about him. In other cute newa, He also has discovered how to clap :)

Kiley is still awake. Go to bed! She fell down the stairs today. Im not sure how she manages that but Im sure it had something to do with her blanket .

Abby was crying when I picked her up from daycare. She was sad she wasnt picked for duck duck goose. Im sorry I didnt tell you that life is unfair, that there will be plenty of times you arent picked in life. It is om to cry even if I ask you why you are. Just remind me you are four some days.

Kara you are so hard right jow. Do you miss me? Whu do you struggle against me so much. I love you and really do just want what is best for you. Next time can you just tell me you missed me?

Update

2012-09-25T23:06:00.001-05:00

Well concerns finally crept up on me and I decided to do a weight check on Chris. Daycare had been telling me that he wasn't eating very well and I figured it was probably just better to make sure things were ok. I had been doing the "I'm just extremely paranoid, nothing is wrong" dance in my head for two weeks. I weighed him today, naked (more accurate) on our specialty scales (the same one he was weighed on for his cardio visit)

7.1 kg ... oh sorry, I'm used to working in kilos at work. It works out to around 15.6 lbs. Two weeks ago he was around 16.3 lbs. (He almost lost a pound) No, it doesn't look like a lot when you write it like that. But he should be closer to 17 lbs by now, not 15 if we were following the growth curve.

My hopes, this is an acute deal. That being sick so much has finally just worn him out a little. He missed mommy and just lost a little weight.

The scary thing that sits in the back of my mind, this little voice whispering... this is heart failure... that we are headed towards surgery. That this isn't just a fluke thing.

I'm hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. It makes me feel sick, it makes me feel overwhelmed and very tired. It makes me want to hold onto him tight and shove every bit of food down his throat I can haha. But tomorrow will still come, We will go on like yesterday and the day before... we will be constantly aware of Chris's heart, secretly trying not to remember that darn little hole is still there, wishing it would close itself up and let us move on. This is a journey, not always what we expected or hoped for... but we will keep trusting, remembering that even if that little hole doesn't heal, He has been faithful.

And then I'm thankful that is all we are dealing with. Out of the hundreds of awful things out there, he has something that is fixable, that CAN close on it's own, that we hope will close on it's own.

So if you are reading this, and don't mind saying up a prayer for us, for Chris. That his weight will improve next week. That this is a fluke weight, or an off day, or week or weeks. That next week will be better. That we won't go crazy waiting.

Because even just knowing that Dr Arain sent off his information to the surgeon, just in case, that sending makes me feel a lot more nervous.... and now that I've written that all out. I won't worry about it tonight. God is still faithful.

----

(Kiley & Chris)

I also took Kiley to the doctor today. Her chronic cough of (like 3 months) makes our pediatrician think that she has RAD or Ashtma. We are going to try a burst of steroids to see if she improves. I'm supposed to call him next week to let him know how things go. We'll decide from there whether we give her allergy medication or start her on an inhaler as well. Never dull around here.

Kara was so sweet in the doctor's office. She read books to Chris on the floor while Kiley sat on my lap for the exam. They were all so good going into the doctor's office.

Abby is loving school. She even gave me a little dirty look when I came to pick her up early haha. She told me last night that I was her best friend, that she loves me and that she likes how I make cookies with her and read books to her. I wanted to make sure I wrote that down, because there are no words to express how much I loved hearing that.

I love you Abby, I love you Kiley, I love you Kara, I love you Christopher... and I love your Daddy too.

6 months

2012-09-13T22:39:00.003-05:00

Chris is 6 months old now, not a bitty baby anymore but a smiling, laughing, scooting backwards little guy. (And thankfully I also journal daily on paper or I would have missed the last few months of his life haha!)

He has started saying "Momma" and will do his best to scoot along our living room floor. His favorite toy to play with right now is Legos. Yep Duplo Legos. He really is a boy. He holds them in his hand and manipulates them, smacks them together and just enjoys them thoroughly.

And it's easy to enjoy them because 90% of the time the girl's have them spread out throughout the living room.

(Kiley)

(Abby & Kara)

Abby is a grown up 4 year old little girl off to preschool and loving language. She is learning to write her letters, names, is discovering that letters make sounds and that they also make words. She can write "Peter, Carol, Mom, Dad and Abby" I'm sure she could write more if I worked with her but she has moved onto letter sounds for the moment.

Kiley is still the snuggler, she has been waking up a lot in the middle of the night which makes me wonder if she has an ear infection or something along those lines? One morning I discovered her on the couch, by the time I got up the second time she was gone... so I figured she must have decided to go back down. Unfortunately most of the time she also decides that she needs to wake up Kara as well and I have TWO toddlers to put back to bed. (I'm glad Abby is a hard sleeper!)

Kara has been a bit more feisty lately. Enough to almost drive me a little crazy. Though I think we are finally nearing the end of this short lived fire cracker phase. Everything was wrong that we did, the milk wasn't poured in the bowl right, her skirt wasn't the right shade of purple, she wanted the chair facing the certain direction, her sister was looking at her.... A lot of meltdowns with this one. Sometimes I think she was just missing Mommy... things seem to have gotten a little better once I added some extra cuddle time to our bedtime routine.

Both Kara and Kiley are loving preschool most of the time. They color and make shape books and color some more. They like to make pictures for us and so I have a huge stack sitting on my countertop. Their hair is growing like crazy and has easily passed Abby's by much to her chagrin.

Chris's heart stuff is about the same. I'm feeling a little sad about this even though our report doesn't mean a lot at the moment. Monday we went it and I expected the news that the VSD was continuing to show signs it would close and that we could just continue on as normal. I didn't expect surgery to come up in the course of the conversation. Perhaps it was never completely off the table as I thought. The left side of his heart is enlarged a bit again and we can't really say whether the enlargement is contributing to this crazy bout of respiratory junk that he has had. They did increase his Lasix and started him on an inhaler (Flovent). So far the cough has eased off so I'm hoping that will do the trick! He has of course really declined in the amount he eats so I don't know what to think of that. Teething perhaps? It's hard not to over analyze things but of course the daycare being concerned doesn't help lol.

So for now we wait again, lots and lots of waiting. I try to just ignore it and live as we are but when you work at the clinic it's constantly there. That is the room that we did the echo in, there is the room I snuggled Chris and fed him and kissed his forehead. I always have a hard time working after my baby(s) are there because I feel so sad without them. From what I understand we go back in December, if things continue as is we might talk about surgery in March. If he gets better we can push it off, if he gets worse we push it up.

I really don't want to be even thinking about the possibility of surgery around the time I want to be planning his first birthday party. Even if it is a just a possibility... I guess it's just take one day at a time. Play with him, love him, kiss him... watch him grow. Because tomorrow is guaranteed to any of us, and there is a possibility something could happen to any one of my babies. And I can't dwell on that.

For one of the first weeks in a long time we are finishing off a week where we aren't all sick. I'm still recovering from a sinus infection but am going to avoid getting another antibiotic because the first is bugging my milk supply enough as it is... and I don't have extra to waste.

I suppose I should go to bed. Just feeling a little alone, very tired of trying to stay on top of everything (work, home, kids, bills, friends, photos, housework....) I wish I could just run away for awhile sometimes.

Brief thinking

2012-08-22T22:15:00.000-05:00

If I'm alone in my thoughts, that is ok. I haven't touched this thing in quite awhile. Because it is Abby's first week of preschool and Chris is growing up right before my eyes.... Kiley and Kara are on the cusp of three. Hard to believe isn't it.

Yes. I'm still working full time, a difficult process of trying to do 40+ hours of work in 32, 33,34...

Abby is enjoying preschool and has decided that school has a lot of rules. Her teacher met with me for a little while and said that she has enjoyed having Abby in her classroom and that she is adjusting well. :)

Chris is eating me out of house and home. I can hardly keep up with pumping for him. Speaking of which, I suppose I had better finish pumping and get some sleep. He has one little tooth on the bottom now. My little baby is growing up right before my eyes!

Kara was quite sad today when I had to go for work. It was hard to make her stay inside when all she wanted was to stay home with me. Kiley has been waking up frequently lately. I hope that she isn't getting another ear infection... they have been sick a lot lately. Thankfully we got rid of the last bug for awhile!

Summer days, Short days

2012-07-22T13:22:00.001-05:00

I don't write much, I realize this. But when you are chasing 3 little girls slimy from popcorn butter, rearranging your house, sorting through old toys/clothes/furniture and working a full time job. I hit the recliner and just want to throw on a good episode of HGTV or MASH... or sometimes nothing exciting at all.

They are all attending daycare at the moment, and are pretty happy with it (other than cost! We could buy a house three times larger for what we pay in childcare!) I will be going down to 2 days a week here soon and then we get to figure it out all over again, because we cannot pay full time for daycare when we need childcare for 2 afternoons a week.

Chris is growing up quickly and loves to eat everything, hands, fingers, toes, blankets are a special treat of his along with his fist. He also can scoot around in a circle on his stomach. He will be crawling soon! He had 2 doctor's visits this week for a cough that he has had for 3 weeks. They tried albuterol inhalers on him with little success so now they put him on an antibiotic and steroid. I decided to try the antibiotic first to see if it would clear things up without the steroid. I just don't like steroids :/

Abby is struggling a little with all of the transition/illness around the house. She just can't handle it all and we are seeing a lot of sensory behaviors coming out again (meltdowns, tons and tons of extra movement, limited ability to stay on task) it makes things really crazy around here at times. She does love school though and for that I am thankful! She tells me a lot of stories...

Kiley is probably the saddest when we drop her off at school, but she seems to be getting used to it and she has the added bonus of always having her best friend along. They have quite the time together and are always getting into trouble. Her potty training is still a struggle after she was in the hospital....

(Kara)

Kara is doing very well with potty training and can stay dry during naps and bedtime! She is talking more and more as well which is fun to see. They are getting to be little girls. Kiley and Kara love to dress up in princess dresses.

(Kiley)

My brother is getting married next weekend and Abby (Kiley and Kara too) are very excited to get married. It will be a crazy weekend and I'm thankful that we will have extra hands to help. I took Friday off which will help as well to get things ready.

Paint paint paint... now I must paint. Have a wonderful afternoon and try to avoid getting too hot! I think we will be going down to swim near my parent's place. Phew!

Chicken noodle... I wish

2012-07-01T08:24:00.000-05:00

This is my morning coffee break before the frenzy of activity commences. My kids are all sick in one way or another so there will be no church. (I just don't appreciate when people bring their runny nosed/coughing children to church) Plus Kiley and Chris both were up a lot last night, Chris had a fever and would cry and cry. We took Kiley and Kara into acute care last night. I had figured they both just had ear infections from all of the drainage.

Well I was right with Kara but not Kiley. Kara got placed on an antibiotic. Kiley got bloodwork, a chest xray and O2 sat level. He didn't see anything on the chest xray but admitted he wasn't a radiologist. So if they see anything more they will call Monday. I have a feeling I'll need to get her double checked with her primary anyways. They started her on neb treatments but I can still hear things in her lungs... Good grief Kiley!

Abby has been coughing and miserable as well so they are all looking good. Of course in my house being sick does not mean chicken noodle soup and comfy days on the couch. Usually it just means a lot of fighting, a lot of crying and craziness. We've used our share of Children's Advil that is for sure!

Well... crying commences so off I go... hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Mulberries and Lost Wind

2012-06-22T22:48:00.000-05:00

I had one of THOSE nights... no, not a screaming pull your hair out night... but a night where you feel SO incredibly at peace with your life.

I picked up the kiddos from my mom's place and we drove home. I made leftover brisket and green beans. In Abby's opinion it was "the best supper that I never ate!" Kiley and Kara enjoyed it as well. It was a little hairy, (no not the food)... Chris was just upset while I was trying to keep food on three hungry little girls' plates.

(Kiley)

After they ate we watched a cartoon or two while I fed Chris. Abby put on a show... and somehow this show meant all the girls needed to get dressed up. Kiley at one point had on 2 dresses, a pair of panda pajama pants and a tank top. Abby had on 2 dresses and a pair of jeans. Kara had the most 'normal' outfit with a dress and pair of backwards capris...

We decided to go on a walk, Chris rode in the yellow stroller and Kiley sat next to them. It was a BEAUTIFUL night and the girls enjoyed chit chatting as we walked our way to the park. We spent some time on the monkey bars and going down slides. Abby can now pump her own swing! We have been working on this for weeks and weeks... and now she can finally start herself and get going. I'm so proud.

We decided later it was time to go home and the girls followed me over to a mulberry tree... Oh they take me back to my childhood. I had to resist the urge to eat them instead of giving them to the girls. They really liked them as well and loved searching them out. Kiley didn't want to leave. Abby saved a pile of them for Daddy for his birthday but ate them after I told her that he didnt like them. It was so sweet of her to think of him. Kiley and Kara picked flowers for him but they didn't make it home either....

I even got in some sweet baby talk with Chris tonight...

I love being a mom.

Heart-ache

2012-06-18T22:43:00.001-05:00

"What if the aching of this life..."

Aching... yes that's what it is. My heart is aching. One day at a time, I hope for a step closer to some stability, some conclusion to the struggles we have been dealing with. And yet gently the Lord is leading us through this time. At times I want to drop to my knees like a frustrated, weary toddler and cry out that I'm too tired. But I see those around me that are struggling with burdens heavier than my own, and I get up and we move on.

Fear is a difficult thing to abandon completely.

Our childcare situation is a mess... and would be an even larger mess if I didn't have two amazing mother figures in my life that have stepped up to the plate and helped us out. I'm trying desperately to remedy the situation but it's not an easy spot to be in. It might mean leaving my job... but we'll see.

Chris's next appointment is a week from today. I'm very ready for this next report. I know that he is gaining well, I know his murmur is still there... so I'm just waiting to see...

Abby, her cousin and I chased fireflies around my inlaw's farm the other night. Seeing how excited she was about having one land on her hand... a memory I will forever cherish. I find myself wishing I had photos of things like that... but I know I'll remember it if I jot it down here.

Kiley and Kara are extremely sweet... and brutal to each other. We are going through quite the biting phase, mostly directed at each other. It's interesting. They are struggling with this constant change as well... each in their own way. I wish I could help them through this... and I do my best to. But it's hard.

Tom had a sleep study done last night, I"m hoping we get the results soon so that we can hopefully help him feel more rested during the day.

Well I need more snuggle time with my baby... time to wake him up.

Waiting for the door to open

2012-06-09T23:33:00.002-05:00

It has been a long two weeks of adjusting, and it doesn't seem to be ending any time soon. Sadly my kids are also showing signs of the wear this has had on them. They all have their unique ways of showing it. I just hope that soon we will be able to settle into a little routine and they will settle in.

They went to daycare for two weeks and the driving became too much for us. Tom and I were each driving 50+miles a day and I didn't like how much time this took away from my family. So we switched daycares! I found a wonderful place that I was comfortable to have the girls go to, and my sister was going to watch Chris...

Then the help we were going to have to help with daycare costs... fell through... and when daycare is 60-70% of your income... you need a little help. So now we have been scrambling to find people that are able to help us through this problem. The interesting thing is... once I hopefully start working part time we will be able to get this assistance (I know, it makes no sense) So it is a temporary setback but frustrating.

Sometimes it would be nice not to have to do the one step forward... three steps back dance.

I have the most wonderful family though... and they are supporting us through them. I don't know what we would do without them. Thank you!

I can't wait to be home with my girls (and boy) and be mom again. I pray every night, every car ride, every moment I have to think... that this will all be straightened out in the end... that He would grant me the desire of my heart.... to be with my children more.

I know He has a plan. And it's probably to trust Him even more...

Kiley is back on antibiotics by the way. She ended up with a double ear infection and they wanted to make sure her toe is healing. She just woke up again tonight so I hope it is taking care of the problem. I would like to avoid any future doctor's visits... we've certainly had our share.

Chris goes to his next appointment at the end of June. Hopefully we'll know how he's doing then...I don't know really how he's doing. Most days I've tried to stop analyzing everything and just trust that there will be answers in the end... and that we will know what to do then. I did get the dictation from his visits and oddly this has given me some peace, I like to see the black and white print, read it, read it again, and then sort it away. Perhaps that's from the medical training... or perhaps that's just how I am.

Kara and Abby... please continue stay healthy. :)

Time for bed, church in the morning. I need to lay this snuggly baby down. I'm sorry poor house. I tried to clean you... there just aren't enough hours in the day.

Soggy

2012-05-31T22:42:00.001-05:00

We are day three into daycare. I bump into quite a few people who ask how it is going or how I'm doing... usually I reply with a "good" or an "ok"... mostly because I don't want to tell them that if I say more I will probably end up in a pool of soggy mom sadness... or that I feel the worst kind of homesickness without them, that during lunch I sit in a little room to pump and I can hardly force myself to eat because I feel so sick from being away from my babies.

But of course I eat because if I lose the ability to feed Chris... I will probably go insane and quit my job and become an extreme coupon-er... (i don't know how to spell that)

Aka... I love my job, I hate being away from my kids. Can I just sneak Chris under my desk? I think I would at least be able to stop crying every night before bed.

Kara was really acting up right before bedtime... just screaming and trying to get out of her bed. I gave her a hug, put her back in bed... same reaction. Finally I asked her if she was sad that mommy was away. She told me "yes...." So I prayed that Jesus would be with Abby, Kiley, Kara & Christopher while mommy and daddy are away. That He would help them not be too sad. Behavior stopped. I cried quietly while they fell asleep and just sat with them awhile after.

So there you have it... I am a soggy little mess right now. I'm homesick for my kids, I miss them terribly.

Trusting... trusting that God has a plan for us in all of this, trusting my most precious cargo to someone else... trusting and praying and hoping that I can come back home again soon...

Memorial Day

2012-05-28T08:10:00.001-05:00

I avoided this place for awhile, I apologize. It was just too hard to sit down for more than 5 minutes and think up something to write. Our family has had fun moments, sad moments, frustrating moments and moments of terror. Perhaps I should just get a mood ring and you will all be able to tell subtly what is going on.

Abby is FOUR, she had a wonderful birthday party at the lake celebrating with friends and family. She had a pinata and cake and candy and hot dogs... oh and watermelon. She got to open lots of presents and play with he favorite cousins and friends. We had a wonderful time.

Christopher ended up being baptized the same weekend and his little party went very well, he slept through most of it. Ask me about baptism sometime. I would love to talk about it with you. The short and sweet of it is that we see it as a dedication, a bringing of our child to God to say publicly... he is your son, we will do the best to raise him the way we should.

Kiley's foot is looking quite a bit better. We still have a few repercussions around from our hospital stay. Like refusing to use the bathroom when we ask her to. Silly things like that. It still doesn't look great, but it doesn't look... awful either.

Kara is Kara. My sweet goofy little girl. She loves to swing with me on my lap and has started tagging along more after Abby. She is in fact still sleeping which is a miracle, I can't remember the last time one of my kids slept in until almost 8 o'clock!

All of the girls love our puppies and I know they will be sad to see them go. We have only two of them left now, the boys went quickly this time.

Tomorrow the fun begins, Tom runs the kids 15 miles the opposite direction of work ... to take the kids to daycare. They will probably need to be there from 10-4:30 or 5pm. The I will drive down to pick them up. I have never done this daycare thing, I have no idea what it involves from a parent's point of view... I'm dreading it like you wouldn't believe... mostly for Christopher who won't understand why I'm not there. But... I'm plugging away, trying very hard to stay positive. I cannot leave my job quite yet, I carry the insurance and our family has too much going on to drop off of that. So we will trust that we are doing the right thing, right now. I know this isn't permanent which keeps me going.

Dear God...

2012-05-22T12:45:00.001-05:00

Dear God...

You must know that I like to plan, that I like to feel organized and somewhat prepared for things. And so you must know how hard all of this heart stuff with Christopher is for me. I can't plan, I can't even remotely speculate on what our summer/fall will be like. I call the cardiology nurses and I talk to the doctors and they can't give me more than a 50/50 odd of surgery or not... and even that odd is a guess. It may close, it may not.... he may need surgery, he may not...

You know that I want to stay home with all my heart, and I'm thankful that you provided a full time job for Tom... we needed that... he needed that. Help us learn to live within our means, and if that means living without certain pleasures help us to see that. I'm struggling with sending my baby to someone else, I can hardly handle the thought of knowing that someone else will be caring for Christopher... feeding him when he is hungry (something that has ALWAYS been my job) comforting him when he is sad. Will he miss me? Will he cry for me? It breaks my heart Lord and I cry when I think about it. I don't want my children to see someone else as mommy... that's my job... thats what I've always wanted to be...

I feel a little lost Lord... I'm trying so hard to trust in you, trust in your plan for us. I know that you are here with us through all of this and that you don't mind my silly emotions. Please give me some peace in all of this, help us to choose the right things for our family.

Love,
Me

Two days & Two Nights

2012-05-11T22:56:00.001-05:00

Well I haven't been around much. Life has been ... well interesting. We went from this...

To this...

When I came home Tuesday afternoon I noticed that Kiley was starting to feel a little warm. I checked her left foot (the foot she complained hurt) and didn't see a thing. So we watched a cartoon with her and then noticed her right foot, specifically her big toe had a nasty look to it. It was swollen and purple and angry looking with a large streak running up her ankle. I knew something was off.

We sat in the waiting room at the clinic for 45 minutes, and another 15 in the exam room. By the time they came in she was starting to look worse with another streak and the toe swelling up more. The doctor said it looked infected and gave her two shots of IM Rocephin... poor baby about went through the roof. She kept falling asleep and she was so restless.

So they told me to give her an oral antibiotic and call if the lines got worse.

But when we got home I didn't feel comfortable with that advice. I checked her temp and it was 103.7 under her arm. I called again and the hospitalist agreed... there was something more going on and they wanted to admit her.

I felt a little silly driving up there... she seemed pretty good. A little sleepy but she was watching Tangled and enjoying it. She walked in her little pink socks into the castle and talked to the Security Guard who got us checked in at 8pm.

When we got into her room she immediately got into the bed and snuggled in her blanket. Then she checked out the chair, window seat... We talked her into getting her blood pressure checked and her O2 saturation done... weight. height.

The hospitalist who admitted her told me that it was very good that we had brought her in. That the rash looked like staph. They wanted to start iv antibiotics and fluids. By this point she was starting to go more down hill. Thankfully they have a special procedure room where they do blood draws and IV's. She sat on my lap while the nursing coordinator and two other nurses worked on getting her IV in. Kiley was such a big girl, she was so feverish and out of it but kept saying "uh huh' to everything we told her.

I don't remember a lot about that night, only that I was afraid, and Kiley was extremely restless and sick. I hardly slept between keeping her comfortable and from being afraid... and poor Christopher whom was miserable from having his shots earlier that day. (yes he came with me)

The nurses were wonderful and kept a close eye on my little girl. We watched a few movies as she snuggled on my lap with her warm little body. Eventually we had to put pads on the bed rails because she kept thrashing her body around so much that she hit her head. The poor thing would get tangled up in her IV so badly that I could hardly leave her because I was afraid she would pull it out and we would have to get another one.

The next day she came around looking quite a bit better. The other hospitalist decided to switch her antibiotic to Vanco, a more powerful antibiotic to help her fight the infection. He explained that the rash and the way her body looked indicated that the infection was systemic. Meanwhile the nurses helped me with Chris, holding him when I needed to be with Kiley for procedures, rocking him to sleep and holding him when Kiley needed me. I'm very grateful to them all for making things much easier. They even had a little swing and bassinet for Chris to hang out in.

She began to improve with the antibiotics and fluids... we had visitors and thank you to everyone for the toys, coffee, muffins and the company. It made her stay (and my own) much easier. Her appetite is still taking some time to return and she has her moments of feeling clingy. The toe is looking a lot better but we need to do baths three times a day and antibiotics twice a day... She has another appointment on Monday to check in with her and Chris has an appointment on Thursday... so they never end!

One thing I have learned through all of this... never second guess your mommy instincts. I knew something was wrong and got a second opinion. Was her infection serious? Yes... she could have gotten very very sick from this with how quickly it spread... in fact she could have died. It scares me to think that I even considered not calling... not bringing her into the hospital. But thankfully she is doing well, and back to her Kiley self :)

It was probably hardest for these two to be separated... Kara was extremely sad leaving her sister and escaped Tom twice to get back to her. It made me cry... what a neat sister bond these two have.

Pools & Parks

2012-05-02T22:04:00.002-05:00

Pool Time! The girls are loving their new pool. Being out in the sun and enjoying a cool splash in the pool is exactly what they love to do. It also makes for a lot of soggy clothes, swim suits and footprints through my house. BUT ... they all play so well together and I love watching them run around outside.

I'm working on transitioning the girls with bedtime... I stay in for so long and then they are on their own as long as they stay in their beds. They figured it out eventually even if it took until 930 to get it! Hopefully this is a start to a wonderful new trend....

Chris had to get more blood drawn today. Hopefully his labs will come back normal this time and we won't have to mess with these. (His potassium was elevated) I guess we will see tomorrow! I think we've had enough, I don't want more to mess with.

(Kara)

Wow my little girls are growing up so fast! We went to the park tonight and it usually takes us about 30 minutes to walk there because Abby needs to pick up rocks, Kara is picking up sticks and Kiley is sight seeing. But walking 8 blocks with 4 kids under 4 is a big job! Thankfully they have learned that we can only do this if we listen really well, stick close to mom, and really close when cars come close. Then it's some time in the park with Mom chasing them around (I'm the monster) and then it's back home for bath time... which didnt go as well. Too many attempts to drown each other.,,,

Sons and Daughters of the King

2012-04-28T14:21:00.001-05:00

This morning we all got dolled up (even Christopher) and attended a Royal Princess Tea. The girls were so excited about it that they were going crazy all morning. (and they even left the preeties in their hair for more than 10 minutes)

This event was part of a MOPS group activity and my neighbor and good friend invited us to go along. How could I resist? We all had such a great time and it was a treat to get out of the house and play with all things pretty. They put a lot of hard work into it and the girls got to have a little fun. My mom and sister and Sarah were able to come along too.

We had a little tea time with treats, a story and a craft :o) None of the girls really were able to sit and listen to the entire story... hopefully they have better attention spans in school! It was a neat story about being a princess of the Lord... I think I'll have to find out what the name of the book was.

A few people have asked me about Christopher so I wanted to just let everyone know that he is indeed home with us, not in the hospital. Honestly, looking at him you might never really know that he even had a thing going on. Believe me, I had no idea... even taking him into the cardiology clinic I figured they would just think it was an innocent murmur. He is taking Lasix twice a day to help ease the burden on his heart. Right now is the watch and wait phase. We watch his weight, his breathing, his heart. If he does well this month, we'll watch it next month. There is a possibility of surgery but right now we don't want to think much about that... and hope that he will close it on his own. :o)

And really most of the symptoms of his heart issue you wouldn't notice unless you were me, and I thought it was a cold. He had just been struggling to eat, having to take more breaks and getting more tired. And he would sleep and sleep. When we came home from his appointment the other day he slept almost the entire afternoon and night... only up for brief periods. We just had worn him out completely.

The not so visual signs of his heart failure are the enlarged left side of his heart.

To everyone who has volunteered to bring us meals... Thank You. We cannot express how touched we are by the generosity of our friends and family for your prayers, thoughts and kind actions. Knowing we are not alone in this has brought a great deal of comfort to us.

I heard this song when I was pregnant with Christopher and it would bring me tears. (Matt Hammit wrote it regarding his son that had heart issues when he was born) I always felt this song was meaningful about all of my children because I love them with all my heart. After my cousin Justin died I had a difficult time wanting to connect with people again because I was afraid of how much it hurt to lose someone I loved... eventually I realized I was only hurting myself in a different way. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, and I pray I won't find out with any of my precious ones.

This song means even more now...(All Of Me) <---- I encourage you to listen to it and be touched too.

Day after

2012-04-27T15:03:00.003-05:00

I think today I have wavered more between tears, anger and laughter... probably just adjusting to things. Part of me is the little angel on my shoulder saying "This is fine! Nothing is really that wrong, you are just over thinking things" then there is the little devil dude saying "This is awful! He could have surgery and even die!"

So the truth is probably somewhere in between. I suppose after a few days I will adjust to all of this and life will feel back to a more normal. The waiting is still hard... but I'm trying not to look at it that way. Because with this... we could wait for 9-10 more months... or who knows how long. I'm enjoying his little hands, fingers, eyes, nose... I enjoy his snuggles and his coos.

It will be important to see how he does with the Lasix. I called into the clinic this morning and Barb reeasured me on how safe the medication is to give him, that this was helping him. I have a feeling I will end up talking to them quite a bit in the next few months... sorry guys.

Oh and I forgot. His weight at the clinic was 10lb 6oz.

Something unexpected

2012-04-26T14:27:00.002-05:00

Grab a cup of coffee, soda, lemonaid or whatever wets your whistle and sit down. This will probably be a long and wordy post. I've got my coffee after the morning I've had!

Ok first update is dealing with his MRSA... this is an easy one. It's not an active infection therefore we can just watch it and just need to be careful if he would ever get sick.

Second update, remember that murmur we found last Friday? Well here we go.

Chris and I came into the clinic at about 9am this morning to meet with Dr. A (the cardiologist). The nurse did a thorough workup/interview, EKG and blood pressures. We moved into another room where we started on the Echo (an ultrasound of the heart)

I guess I figured out pretty quick that things weren't normal because instead of a quick 10-15 minute scan... we were in there for an hour. My second clue that things weren't quite right... the doctor came in during the test and had them check something again. He did really really well during all this fussing about, he had a few moments where he got upset because he wanted to go to sleep but we put a little sweeties (sugar water) on his pacifier and he finally went to sleep.

So what did we find out?

He has a large VSD and a small PDA.

A quick refresher for you... This is a VSD.

This is a PDA.

His heart is starting to show signs of heart failure. (his left Atria- one of the chambers of his heart) has already started to thicken and his pulmonary pressures are elevated slightly. This is from the VSD, a large amount of blood is rushing through that hole and putting more pressure on the other Ventricle, that it's not supposed to have.

Dr. A believes that Christopher's small PDA might be because of the large VSD that he has. (Getting sick of Acronyms yet?) Here is a quote about PDAs ... skip it if you don't care, otherwise it's pretty easy to understand.

"Patent ductus arteriosus (PDA) is a heart problem that affects some babies soon after birth. In PDA, abnormal blood flow occurs between two of the major arteries connected to the heart. These arteries are the aorta and the pulmonary (PULL-mun-ary) artery.

Before birth, these arteries are connected by a blood vessel called the ductus arteriosus. This blood vessel is a vital part of fetal blood circulation.

Within minutes or up to a few days after birth, the ductus arteriosus closes. This change is normal in newborns.

In some babies, however, the ductus arteriosus remains open (patent). The opening allows oxygen-rich blood from the aorta to mix with oxygen-poor blood from the pulmonary artery. This can strain the heart and increase blood pressure in the lung arteries."

(http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/pda/)

The Plan?

Dr A is starting Christopher on Lasix, a medication that will help pull off fluid and reduce the work his little heart is doing (also will make him pee more in case you were wondering haha!)

He is going to talk to Dr. Z (our pediatrician) and we will see Dr. Z again on Tuesday. We are going to need to watch his weight carefully as well and may need to supplement him. Does this give me an excuse to eat more so that I can continue to keep him growing? Pass the pepperoni pizza please!

We come back to see Dr A again in a month to check his heart again. We will know more then. He asked me if I wanted to discuss surgery but I wanted to wait until the one month appt to see where things stand.

Will his heart hole close? There is a chance yes. Unfortunately for Christopher the hole is not located in the muscular tissue of the ventricle... and it's large.

When do we need to consider surgery? If Christopher starts showing signs of not being able to compensate (faster breathing, more difficulty breathing, lips turning blue, not eating well) or if one of his heart scans shows that the heart is getting thicker.

Why are they waiting? Why not do surgery now? As long as Christopher remains stable we are ok to wait. If at the end of this surgery is what we do we will make it safer for him by waiting and letting him get a little larger. Plus by waiting we give him a chance to close it on his own.

But that is where things stand currently. I'm more than happy to answer questions and comforted by your prayers. Please continue to pray for him! I'm so thankful for the staff there that are my co-workers and friends. I'm comforted that they are there to help us through this and that I know I can call any time to ask silly questions or concerns. What a blessing they already are to us....

And now we watch, wait and rest in the Lord.

Never Dull... pass the salt please

2012-04-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

Christopher is trying to catch up with his eldest sister in the number of visits to specialty doctors it seems. At 7:30am I received a call from his pediatrician stating that his culture grew a large amount of MRSA and that he needed to get in to see an Infectious Disease specialist ASAP.

Did I mention that the nurse mom combo sometimes is awful? I've seen MRSA, I've heard about MRSA over and over and over again. Did I ever think that my 6 week old baby would have it? I mean how is it possible? Where did he get it? What does this mean for him? I know there are powerful antibiotics out there that can kick this bug but they can also be pretty tough on your system as well. Will he need to take these?

Needless to say I had a few moments of panic this morning. I'm thankful to all of you that I texted early this morning in panic and the reassuring you granted with offering of prayer. It took a bit for me to relax, it just caught me off guard so much.

Funny. When it's your son or daughter... it is terrifying to get an unexpected phone call. I can only imagine what those parents feel like when they get a cancer diagnosis in that way.

He has an appointment on Wednesday so we will know more then. I cannot even really speculate what any of this means. I don't have a knowledge base to go off of. So until then we wait... But it is some relief to have an idea about what might be going on. Because I guess, it wasn't really the stuffy nose that bothered me... it was the swollen lymph nodes... I knew something was off when they started getting larger.

Hopefully now we can treat this and move on... with nothing more to worry about then when he will start cutting that first tooth.

Thank you as always for your prayer and support... even in the simple things it is greatly appreciated.

(I think his eyes are going to stay blue!)

A heartbeat away

2012-04-21T08:36:00.002-05:00

We are busy little beavers over here in the Dose household. Tom had a job interview yesterday (hurray!) and I took Christopher in for his little cold, after debating 1000 times about whether I was crazy to take him in. It was just a little cold that wouldn't go away. But being six weeks old and having spent at least 3 weeks of his life being sick, I decided to take him in. He just seemed extra sleepy and wasn't eating as well. The least they would do is tell me it was a virus or newborn thing and send us on our way.

Imagine my surprise when she tells me he has a large murmur! No one had mentioned it previously during his visits so it took me a bit by surprise. But I listened and it was absolutely the easiest murmur I had ever heard. It was loud! So Christopher is set up for an appointment with a Cardiologist next Thursday to see what they think. The primary doctor thinks that it is a Ventricular Septal Defect:

Yep it's basically a hole in his heart. The trick is seeing how large it is and where exactly it is located....So I'm hoping that because his is so loud it means it is a small hole, and one that will close on it's own. Thankfully he is stable with it and doesn't seem to be bothered much by the murmur (both awesome signs) In fact Monday we didn't know he had it! The only thing that troubles me a little is how sleepy he has been and that he has been having a few more issues eating... but is that cold related or heart related?

Of course I'm his mother, so any possible concern seems huge, even though I know in my gut that he probably has this tiny little hole that will go away and be no issue. It's the mom vs nurse feeling.... nurse says it's fine... mom is concerned.

I mean... he is my son.

And on a slightly more positive note... Abby hid my computer mouse outside the other day because she thought it was an Easter egg... I guess it COULD look like one...at least she knew where outside she had hidden it....

They are all playing babies right now. It's really cute :o) I might have to bring up the doll cribs soon, or perhaps I'll have Tom haha!

Sigh

2012-04-17T07:59:00.000-05:00

Amazing... the morning I cannot sleep... my girls all sleep in. It's nearing 8 o'clock and no sign of little girls yet. And the crazy thing is, I put Kiley and Kara to bed at 7:30pm! They are going on 12 hours of sleep (Kiley & Kara)

We decided yesterday to try and see how eliminating naps would affect bedtime. I can honestly say that bedtime went better but the afternoon/evening was a little tougher. Kiley & Kara get cranky if they miss naps! We'll see if this trend is something to continue or if it is too much work!

Yesterday we did quite the flurry of activities. Played tag in the backyard, went to the park, went on a walk... then later after Tom went to work the girls and I cleaned up the living room, I chased them around with the vacuum for awhile and then we played hide and seek. It is so much fun! I count to ten and they all scramble... Abby cannot contain her excitement and giggles the entire time she is hiding... so I pretend that i can't find her and she will laugh and laugh. Then after I find her it is her turn. Kiley and Kara are even starting to figure the game out and were sometimes better at finding me then Abby! Then we all read books together on the living room floor, each got to pick a book they wanted to read, Kara is really into reading right now and it's nice to see that they are all getting better at sitting and reading a story. We will have to read more!

The evening was going well, the house was clean, we had played and laughed together before bedtime... Kiley and Kara were asleep so I let abby leave her bed for awhile since she wasn't as tired as the other two. She helped me with the sick puppy and played for awhile. Then I told her it was time for bed, she balked of course so we talked about preschool. Still no luck. She went a little crazy and tried to run away, I grabbed her hand and she pulled back hard. She was still fighting me so I picked her up and put her into bed. She told me her arm hurt... and wouldn't stop crying. At first I thought she was just upset because she had to go to bed because she kept telling me she wanted a different doll then the one I would bring. But I soon realized it did hurt...

And I feel SO BAD... I gave her ice, and ibuprofen but she woke up twice last night crying. So we will have to go into the doctor today to get it checked out. And she is upset because she wants to go to school. So I'm waiting to call in 10 minutes, as soon as the office opens so that I can get an appt as soon as possible in the morning in case she can still go...

Ugh... I cried myself to sleep last night I felt so bad. I really didn't mean to have her get hurt! Hoping that her arm isn't hurt too badly... will update later with how it goes...

All Grown up

2012-04-11T22:43:00.000-05:00

I hope that some day I can get a shot like this when they are all 15 & 16 and smashed into the bathroom getting ready... it is quite the meeting spot right now. And we have gone through so much toilet paper lately. Casualties of the potty war I guess. Roll one went into the bathtub, roll two was unwound and roll three was shamelessly dropped into the toilet....

Meanwhile our house is still spotless... or well... kinda... not really... actually very messy....I'm not sure if Abby ever found what she was actually looking for.

The girls are slowly starting to feel better. My precious Kiley is growing up so quickly!

When did they grow up? I swear I only turned away for just a moment. (Kara)

And baby Chris ... so cute :o) He is just starting to smile and coo...

And Abby told me she was going to tell her teacher on me again... time for bed!

Letter to my Son

2012-04-07T07:58:00.000-05:00

My dear Christopher,

One month already? Hard to believe how quickly time has flown by. It truly vanishes right before your eyes. So Christopher how big are you? 8lb 9oz (they said 8lb 15oz but you had a pretty full diaper so I'm going to fudge a bit) & 21 inches.

Things you are doing: You are just starting to look and really "see" faces. You have the most inquisitive look on your face when you stare at Daddy and the girls. Mom you hang out with a lot so I tend to either get the happy (I've been wanting you to hold me mom) face or the sad (why didn't you pick me up sooner) face.

You still sleep quite well most nights. The last few days you have had a lot of trouble sleeping because your nose gets stuffed up and you can't breathe. You and the little boogie sucker are not friends right now, he makes you quite upset. You refuse to sleep in the pink bouncy chair for more then an hour at a time and prefer to snuggle up next to mom or force me to lay on my back so that you can lay on top of my chest. Perhaps you just don't like the color pink? (lol)

We started you on cloth diapers and you are doing great with them! You like to be changed a little sooner because the cloth 'feels' wet unlike disposable diapers. Does this mean you will want to potty train sooner? Believe me your dad and I won't mind in the least if you do!

Your sisters love to hold you and kiss you... in fact it's hard to keep them from kissing you constantly. You put up with things really well, as it is good you do. My dearest little buddy those sisters will be after you for the rest of your life, it is better now to accept it and join their ranks. I promise I won't let them force you to play Barbies all the time (though you will need to play occasionally) and I'll make sure they play matchbox cars or tractors with you.

Always know how much your father and I love you. We thank God for all of the beautiful children he has allowed into our lives. May you grow up to be a strong man of character and love for the Lord.

Love,
Mom

Yesterday

2012-04-04T08:49:00.000-05:00

Trying something a little different today- here was our chaotic day- :o) Enjoy the photo overload...

7:15- Girls all up, trying to get them ready for the day. Kiley to the potty, Kara to the potty, tell Abby to go to the potty, dress Kiley and Kara, tell Abby to go to the potty. Pour cereal for all three. Change Christopher, sit down to feed Christopher, refill Kara's bowl of cereal, finish feeding Christopher, refill Kiley and Kara's cereal.

(Abby and Kiley filling their shopping carts)

8:00- Wake Tom up, get Abby dressed, prepare coffee machine in the rare case I have enough time and energy to get some. Get dressed.

(Kara browsing the meat market)

8:15: Tell Abby again to find her shoes, have lengthy discussion about lost fairy wings, break up fight between Kiley and Kara. Go over diaper bag to make sure we have everything we need. Find three pairs of shoes, Herd group into the car, tell Abby again that we don't have time to find her doll's fairy wings. Pack up Christopher and decide that instant cappichino will have to suffice this morning.

(The girls farming-Abby was pulling carrots out)

And the day has begun... exhausted yet?

9:00- Research Study appointment with Christopher- where of course he WILL not go back to sleep like they want.

(Kara was too afraid to go near the pretend pig...)

10:30- Chris and I walk out with 35 dollars in gift cards and a package of diapers (part of the research study) Tom has returned from dropping Abby off at preschool.

(Can you find Abby and Kiley?)

10:45- I run Kiley and Kara into the bathroom at the mall while Tom looks for a tool he needs. We browse through the clothes that is on clearance and pick up another package of Dora undies and a pair of jeans for 5 dollars.

(Kiley and Kara having coffee and a meal in the sod house)

11:00- Tom and I tell Kara to put back the candy bar (why do they put it at their levels!) for the third time. She obeys well but stubbornly keeps at it. We pay for the clothes and Tom has one other place in the mall he would like to check.

11:15- Kiley and Kara sit in the mall hall in a little seating area with couches and chairs. A man at a piano begins to play music and they start to dance. Scare off the man that had been sitting their previously. (sorry!) Still no tool so we leave to go get Abby.

11:30- Pick up Abby from preschool and admire her little goodies and Easter Basket.

11:45- I stop into Hyvee to pick up Sandwich things- the cart I chose shocked me every other step (annoying!) After I finally found the bread which was cleverly hidden near the alcohol (apparently if you drink you must have bread... or is it a buffer of some type?) I am shocked to see all of my kids in a shopping cart behind me. Tom informs me that not long after I left Abby decided she HAD to go to the bathroom. So without a phone he had to drag all of them into the store and get Abby to a bathroom. Fun times.

12:15- we stop at Subway to pick up lunch for Tom and I. Take Kara and Kiley in for another bathroom run. Taking two toddlers into the bathroom is a lot of work- especially when they don't understand that surfaces in a public restroom like the toilet, toilet bowl, floor... are extremely disgusting. I had to wash each of their hands twice... and then forced them to line up against the wall and to stop TOUCHING things!

12:30 WE FINALLY GET ON THE ROAD

1:00 Everyone asleep in the car after a little Simon and Garfunkle Scarbarough Fair... peace at last (Tom is asleep too)

(Daddy teaching his three girls how to change a tire already... lol)

2:00- We arrive at the Children's museum- we somehow got lost and while admiring the play ground missed the fact that there was a large T-Rex Dinosaur standing in front of us... not sure how we missed that.

(This dinosaur and one other are motion activated, Kara is hiding behind me right here. It was quite impressive and scary!)

The musuem was great for the kids, if we didn't live an hour away I think we would be up there quite often! Everything is kid geared and yet fun for parents too. These are the photos you have been admiring through this post :o)

By 4 o'clock and another potty accident the parents were all ready to go home. The promise of fruit snacks led the girls out of the musuem and they all told the staff how sad they were to go (loudly). We headed back to town and picked up chicken nuggets for the girls who were now starving (at 5 o'clock)

5:30- we were parked outside the medical spa- I had a 30 minute massage scheduled at 6pm. Well of course all three had to go potty again. The spa people were so wonderful letting me drag my three into the spa bathroom to avoid another accident.

6:00- an amazing massage- the best I have ever had. The lady commented on the amount of tension I had in my shoulders and back... surprise surprise eh?

7:00 we made it home, fed them again and got ready for bed... phew what a day!!!

Onward April!

2012-04-02T08:06:00.001-05:00

Declare a National Holiday! The girls slept in past 7am! (Till 7:30) lol and I can honestly say that Christopher had a pretty decent night himself. I'm glad his fussy nights of being up till 2am have gone away at least for the present.

Our weather has been absolutely unbelievable, 90 degrees yesterday! I had the girls out playing in the sprinkler for an hour (on April 1st) I had completely forgotten that it was Palm Sunday yesterday, thankfully I had the girls fairly dressed up. Abby was pretty confused about being rushed into a line of kids and being given a branch to wave while she sang. Sadly no camera came along for this. It was still pretty special to watch her singing with the other kids. We are finally reaching this stage!

Christopher has started to become very interested in faces and the people talking to him. He will just look and look at you, perhaps give a little smile and make a few squeaks. Soon he will be gabbing away with the rest of the girls. Hard to believe he will be a month old tomorrow!

Tom worked 8-12am again last night so we spent most of the evening with my parents. My brother and future sister in law were there and wanted to see Christopher. They picked up a few cute outfits for him, I can't wait until he can fit into all of the cute outfits people have picked up for him that are 3 months.

We are planning to go up to the Children's musuem today after Tom's job interview. It is supposed to be closer to normal temperatures today so we figured it would be a good day to get out and enjoy that.

Well I need to scrounge up more panties for a few little girls and put down this snuggly little baby. (also need coffee!)

Till later...

Spring Bliss

2012-03-31T07:50:00.003-05:00

3Sons are a heritage from the Lord,

children a reward from him.

4Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are sons born in one’s youth.

5Blessed is the man

whose quiver is full of them.

Abby (3) Kiley (2) Kara (2) & Christopher (3 weeks)

All of my beautiful beloved children.

There is no end to work and messes when you have 2 year old twins. But the bond these two share is unbelievable and I am privileged to be able to watch this grow and develop. I couldn't imagine my life without them. (Kara is doing the kissing, Kiley wiped it off and said "yuck!"

Spring is here. And I'm in love :o)