The Loner

the old "katology" might be different answers now

2020-06-28T21:38:00.000-07:00

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name followed by "ology"

What is your salad dressing of choice?
blue cheese

What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
it was steak n shake ,but everybody's being a pussy about covid-19, so u can't sit in there anymore.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
hard to pick..I like most food lol

What are your pizza toppings of choice:
black olives,tortilla chips(haha mexican pizza), pineapple now too. lol

TECHNOLOGY*

How many televisions are in your house?
0

What color cell phone do you have?
black

BIOLOGY*

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
right handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your bod
just polips from the pcos

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
my groceries lol
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
nope

BULLCRAPOLOGY*

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
I don't know.

If you wanted to change your name, what would you change it to?
I don't know that I would change my name

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
nope

DUMBOLOGY*

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
2 or 3

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
November when I drove down to GA, and a cop pulled me over for speeding

Last person you talked to?
my neighbor

Last person you hugged?
Mom and Dad

FAVORITOLOGY*

Season?
now that I'm in TN, fall. It feels so nice

Holiday?
I still detest holidays coz I have noone to spend them with.

Day of the week?
I don't have 1.

Month?
don't have 1

CURRENTOLOGY*

Missing someone?
sometimes I still miss Rob

Mood?
frustrated

What are you listening to?
nothing

Watching?
nothing

RANDOMOLOGY*

First place you went this morning?
I slept

What's the last movie you saw?
holmes and watson

Do you smile often?
I was starting to since meeting this nice guy... but it's kinda going south real fast. =(

-OLOGY*

Do you always answer your phone?
depends on who's calling

It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
like anybody's gonna text me at that time. lol

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I like it as is now...but I do like brown eyes-on men! =D

What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
when I go, I just order a coke or something-no adding of flavors lol

Do you own a digital camera?
not anymore. it crapped out on me-now all I have is my phone

Have you ever had a pet fish?
yes

What's on your wish list for your birthday?
my birthday is already gone, and I make no wishes because I won't get it anyway. lol

Can you do pushups?
probably, but I don't want to

Can you do a chin up?
no way

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
nervous

Do you have any saved texts?
some

Ever been in a car wreck?
thank God no

Do you have an accent?
sometimes I accidentally pick up accents but naturally, no

What is the last song to make you cry?
"Stay" by Rhianna-it's not sad, but it reminds me so much of Rob that I almost cried the last few times I listened to it. weird

When was the last time you cried?
back in Feb, when horse's ass got me in trouble-I was so pissed off ,it made me cry. lol

Plans tonight?
movies/shows-eventually bed

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
I always feel like that

Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
food,food, and strawberry booze lol

Have you ever been given roses?
not really

Current hate right now?
the way my emotions are always out of whack-the fact I wear my heart on my sleeve too much

Met someone who changed your life?
I don't know about changing my life, but I did meet someone...and it seemed like we were really hitting it off, but now we barely speak-even though he did hang out with me last night-it wasn't 1 on 1 though like it used to be. =(

How did you bring in the new year?
by doing absolutely nothing. lol

What song represents you?
oh I had a few at 1 time...I can't think of them at the moment. lol

Name three people who might complete this?
noone-unless someone still reads blogger. lol

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
if I thought I could do some damage control, yes. lol

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
yes; 3 years and what a waste! with someone I was NEVER in love with, and he stressed me out-plus I fell in love with someone else while I was with him. It got ugly real fast.

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
Most likely not. I am so unlucky in love.
<---- accomplished.="" add="" another="" anymore...now="" be="" could="" desire="" don="" doubt="" easily="" even="" goal="" highly="" i="" if="" it="" just="" man="" might="" not="" p="" point="" s="" t="" that="" the="" to="" try="" want="" would="">
Does anyone love you?
nope.

Would you be a pirate?
uh no

What songs do you sing in the shower?
whatever song comes into my head

Ever had someone sing to you?
this guy I knew in middle school and high school used to do it randomly singing strange songs he made up-nothing romantic at all. he was a nut! lol

Do you like to cuddle?
I love it!
<---- accomplished.="" add="" another="" anymore...now="" be="" could="" desire="" don="" doubt="" easily="" even="" goal="" highly="" i="" if="" it="" just="" man="" might="" not="" p="" point="" s="" t="" that="" the="" to="" try="" want="" would=""><---i do="" i="" it="" kinda="" miss="" p="" still="">
Have you held hands with anyone today?
no-I miss that too

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
myself at the mall, lol
<---- accomplished.="" add="" another="" anymore...now="" be="" could="" desire="" don="" doubt="" easily="" even="" goal="" highly="" i="" if="" it="" just="" man="" might="" not="" p="" point="" s="" t="" that="" the="" to="" try="" want="" would=""><---i do="" i="" it="" kinda="" miss="" p="" still=""><---same at="" i="" lol="" mall="" now.="" p="" recently="" selfies="" the="" took="" truth="">
What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
whatever my parents listened to lol
<---- accomplished.="" add="" another="" anymore...now="" be="" could="" desire="" don="" doubt="" easily="" even="" goal="" highly="" i="" if="" it="" just="" man="" might="" not="" p="" point="" s="" t="" that="" the="" to="" try="" want="" would=""><---i do="" i="" it="" kinda="" miss="" p="" still=""><---same at="" i="" lol="" mall="" now.="" p="" recently="" selfies="" the="" took="" truth=""><---i a="" back="" days-didn="" didn="" i="" in="" like="" listen="" much="" music="" p="" really="" start="" t="" teenager="" those="" till="" to="" was="">
Do you believe in staying close with your ex's?
hell no
<---- accomplished.="" add="" another="" anymore...now="" be="" could="" desire="" don="" doubt="" easily="" even="" goal="" highly="" i="" if="" it="" just="" man="" might="" not="" p="" point="" s="" t="" that="" the="" to="" try="" want="" would=""><---i do="" i="" it="" kinda="" miss="" p="" still=""><---same at="" i="" lol="" mall="" now.="" p="" recently="" selfies="" the="" took="" truth=""><---i a="" back="" days-didn="" didn="" i="" in="" like="" listen="" much="" music="" p="" really="" start="" t="" teenager="" those="" till="" to="" was="">
Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
new

Do you like pulpy orange juice?
no

What is something your friends make fun of you for?
because I don't drink or smoke...although now, I'm starting to drink lol

Have you ever ridden a on an elephant?
no

What are you saving your money up for right now?
to invest

When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
maybe a month or 2 ago

What song(s) do you want played at your funeral?
I have no idea!
<---- accomplished.="" add="" another="" anymore...now="" be="" could="" desire="" don="" doubt="" easily="" even="" goal="" highly="" i="" if="" it="" just="" man="" might="" not="" p="" point="" s="" t="" that="" the="" to="" try="" want="" would=""><---i do="" i="" it="" kinda="" miss="" p="" still=""><---same at="" i="" lol="" mall="" now.="" p="" recently="" selfies="" the="" took="" truth=""><---i a="" back="" days-didn="" didn="" i="" in="" like="" listen="" much="" music="" p="" really="" start="" t="" teenager="" those="" till="" to="" was=""><---i have="" idea="" no="" p="" still="">
What were you doing 12 AM last night?
drinking with my neighbor and Miles!! I was excited to have Miles over there! yippee!

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Him! plus I had a dream I think Miles was in it, but I kept losing it so fast even though I just had the dream...cannot for the life of me remember what it was about.

it's kinda fun to do these now with a difference in opinions now years later lol

2020-06-28T21:09:00.002-07:00

Which is worse, missing some one or not having some one to miss?

missing some1<---i answer="" by="" p="" stand="" still="" that="">
You've taken fifteen shots of vodka, what are you doing?

I had 2 shots of fireball whisky and strawberry daiquiri last night, and I felt fine and still remember what happened last night. haha, Miles didn't succeed in getting me drunk. na na =P

Where is the person who has your heart?

I finally got my heart back from the S.O.B. and he's in Jefferson City probably dreaming of being made King of Pull a Part LOL!! and currently, I'm not in love but crushing.. he's in the row behind mine sleeping in his camper lol

Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my parents?

Who was the last person you made mad?

that could be anybody =(

Would you say you are judgmental?

Yes, but it's hard not to be with my experiences with idiots.. lol

Do you think you could be with someone for over four years?

if I can find MUTUAL love with a man, and he doesn't DIE on me-sure!

Have you held hands with anybody in the past week?

nope

Do you watch the news?

no, but I still see the annoying shit on facebook lol

Is there a member of the opposite sex that makes you cry a lot?

usually-but not now and not yet...although I am frustrated right now..just seemed like we were really hitting it off..now he pulls away lately. =(

Do you have something that belongs to the opposite sex?

well, I have my exe's class ring, his watch ,and some of his pocket knives he left here. *eye roll*

What's on your schedule for tonight?

movies maybe...if I ever quit with the surveys lol

Is it easy to pretend everythings okay for you?

even though I have so much constant practice,no! I just get more frustrated all the time =(

Do you think you are a good person?

good person with a temper lol

Are you wasting your time on the person you love/like?
I'm ALWAYS wasting my time on a guy I like; he never likes me back ugh

What do you want right this second?

to be over there with him.. lol

Your ex calls wanting to hang out, what do you say?

fuck no! he's in FL anyway. =D lol

Do you have any bruises on you?

no

Do you think anyone's thinking about you right now?

hell no

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?

not in a long time

Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn't mean it?

kinda..my ex..I was falling in love with someone else and still trying to pretend otherwise.. kept telling him I loved him too, but I heard the hollow-ness in my tone and knew I was full of it. lol

Do you want to get married?

No point in it..I used to daydream about shit like that, but I've been dealt the worst cards with my love life, so I give up. I'm chasing my career and investment dreams from now on.

Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex?

yeah-my DAD! soooo "exciting!" lol

Are you angry with someone right now?

a little ...and mostly with myself

Who did you spend most of your time with three nights ago?

Miles?? I had some days/nights I got to spend with him but most of the time, not at all. =/

Do you tend to hold things against people?.
I try not to, but I won't trust them again either.

Do you prefer to text message or talk on the phone?
text

Do you believe ex’s can be friends?

not really... I mean I don't want to be friends with mine. lol

What about your biological mother?

what about her? lol

Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?

it depends..

The last time you left your house, where did you go?

the store

What was the reason you got grounded for last?

I haven't been grounded in YEARS, and I can't remember y either lol

What are you doing tomorrow?

checking po box to see if my credit card came yet and possibly replacing my debit card(again) too. fucker disappeared on me >.<

Do you love anyone right now?

I was and now I'm crushing...please don't let it turn to love?

How has the week been?

up and down. same old shit; different day

What are you looking forward to?
Going back to school now that I don't have a job in my way anyway, and investing in stocks

Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
FUCK YES!! and it bothers me when people won't tell me when they have a problem w/me, but go behind my back to other people! >.<

Is it bad to be a forgiving person?

it is not, but it could be for YOU when u want to stop loving someone and can't.

What happened at 3pm today?

raining most of the day lol

I did this 1 about Rob years ago

2020-06-28T20:26:00.001-07:00

Can you answer 72 questions about just one person?

well DUH! I just did! =P =D

1) What’s their name?

Rob

2) Does he or she have a boyfriend/girlfrind

well he DID..when he was alive. *I* was his girlfriend! ^_^

3) Do you get along with this person all the time?

of course I didn't get along w/him ALL the time,but we loved each other enough to always fix our problems,and stay together. =)

5) Has he/she ever cooked for you?

yep. sort of. he had a mirowave and little "oven" like thing he cooked frozen food in before. he didn't have a much of a "kitchen" in that "apartment" thing he had. lol

6) Is this person older than you?

he was ,yes. 7 years older in fact. =)

7) Have you ever kissed this person?

YEP! LOTS of time! took me to heaven and back!! ^_^

8) Are you related to this person? nope. Thank God. I would hate to find I was having a fling w/ a relative. *shivers* lol

9) Are you really close ?

we were! we were SO CLOSE we ended up falling for each other in a pretty quick amount of time. I miss him so much. =(

10) Nickname?his full name was Robert,so he went by Rob as a nickname.

11) Do they have a nickname for you? baby cakes. LOL umm, Crazy was another 1. haha

12) How many times do you talk to this person during a week?

when he was ALIVE, we talked 24/7. texting or in person...that was even before we started dating. I couldn't get enough of him. now,not at all. I miss him so much. =,(

13) Will this person repost this? nope. he's dead. =( he never used the internet anyway..he liked the stone age. lol

14) Do you live with this person?

nope,but I spent so many nights and sometimes days w/him,it sure SEEMED like we were living together. lol

16) How long have you known this person? would have been a year by now if he was still alive. =,(

17) Have you ever been to the mall with this person? actually yes! once. lol

18) Have you ever had a sleepover with this person? COUNTLESS times! =D

19) If they ever moved away would you miss this person?

he didn't have to move away. he died instead,and YES I miss him TERRIBLY!! 7 months,and I still feel the pain of losing him! I MISS MY PARTNER-IN-CRIME;my other half;my best friend;love of my life...I MISS HIM!!! =,( =,( =,( =,(

20) Have you ever done something really stupid or illegal with this person? well, we've ACTED stupid at work a few times,but no,we never did anything illegal.

21) Do you know everything about this person? Most everything.

22) Would you date this person’s siblings?

HELL NO! both his sibs are SISTERS;GIRLS! and besides..that would be WRONG anyway consdiering I was dating HIM. even if he had a BROTHER, it seems like an act of betryal. I could never do that to him even tho he'll never know it anyway.

23) Have you ever made out with this person? LOADS of times! ;) =D I miss that too. =(

24) Have you gone skinny dipping with this person?

no,but that might have happened later on down the road..if he were still here. lol

25) Is this person on drugs?

he used to be. at least he was trying to get help with his addiction. I think it caught up w/him,and that's y he's dead now. =,(

26) Have you ever worn this persons clothes?

yes I have! he's lent me his "pj's" when I've slept over,and I now have 1 of his shirts his step-mom let me have after he died that I wear from time to time.

27) Does this person wear your clothes?

no!! my clothes would never have FIT him,and if he DID wear my clothes..that would be freaking hilarious!!! I'd never have let him live it down. LOL

28) If it was “freaky friday” would you switch bodies with this person?

switch bodies w/a dead guy? NO! if he was alive..well that woulda made things really damn WEIRD considering we were dating. lol

29) Have you ever heard this person sing?

once, I caught him softly singing the "ohh e oooe ooh e oh" part of "scream and shout" when we were at work. I kinda laughed coz at 1st I thought he was only goofinfg around. I'm sorry now coz I never heard him sing again after that. =(

30) Do you and this person have a saying/word?

not really,but we did have this thing where we both liked making fun of the same asshole coworker we have who nobody likes. lol.

32) Have you and this person ever gone clubbing?

HE has in the past I'm sure but not w/me. Not since he came to FL. I'm bettin. lol

33) Do you know how to make this person feel happy?

most of the time I could,and he said I made him happy,but he tended to get really down on himself;deeply depressed or whatever and there was nothing I could do to cheer him up. =(

34) Do you and this person talk a lot? we used to. =(

35) Do you like this person?

I LOVED him w/everything in me. He was the love of my life,and I miss him so much. =(

36) Has this person yelled at you?

yes he has..only when he has realllly been upset..and I've yelled at him too.

37) Have you and this person got into a fist fight?

never! we've had our arguments,but he would NEVER have hurt me.

38) Do you want to go out with this person?

I DID,and I got to! made me sooooo freaking happy when he asked me out shortly after I got home fom work.

39) Do you want to be friends with them forever?

I wanted that and more..but he's gone now. What can I do? =,(

40) When did you last see this person?

2 days before he died...back in May last year in the hospital. =,(

41) Do you text this person?

I would still do that now if he was still alive. =,(

42) Do you and this person talk on the phone?

we used to. =,(

43) Describe this person in one word

AMAZING! =,)

44) Does this person like anyone?

he LOVED ME,and I LOVED him! we were made for each other!! ok, I realllly freaking miss him right now!! =,(

45) Have you ever played a sport or watched a sport with this person?

nope,but we did make plans to go iceskating together and play air hockey sometime. we never got to do those things tho. =(

46) Have you met this person's family?

just his dad and step-mom. the rest of his family is in New Hampshire. his parents are sweet. I actually had their approval. =,)

47) Has this person been to your house?

yes,but only a FEW times coz my dad kept making him uncomfortable. pissed me off too. I'm finally dating a guy I LOVE and who LOVES me too,and shows it,and my dad jumps his case as if he's a piece of shit...like that pile of cow manure from before him..a.k.a. Gary. LOL

48) Do you and this person have a special song?

we didn't yet. we might have had 1 eventually.

49) Have you told this person you loved them?

yes! I am sooo glad I got to tell him these things before he died. just wish I had said "I love u" the last time I spoke to him before he died. =,(

50) Did they say it back?

yes! he always said it 1ST in fact coz I was 2 damn chicken shit to say what was on my mind for MONTHS anyway. =( lol

51) Do you think this person still loves you?

if he's anywhere at all and didn't cease all existance and remembers me wherever he is,then yes. I believe we had TRUE LOVE. =,)

55) Do you miss this person?

ALWAYS!!! EVERY DAMN DAY!! it's what's been making me the most depressed. it's VERY devastating to lose ur other half. =,(

56) Is there a song that decribe the relationship between you and this person?

"Just Give me a Reason" by Pink is the 1st 1 that comes to mind coz we BOTH had to learn to "love again". "take care" is another 1 because she starts the songs w/ "I know u've been hurt by some1 else,but if u let me I'll take care of u." I had to CONSTANTLY point out to him that I wasn't his ex. I wasn't gonna do to him what she did..plus everytime I'm missing him..seems THAT song is the 1 to get stuck in my head. it has memories attached. lol

57) Have you danced with this person?

kind of..we were goofing off a lot. lol

58) Do you think this person is going to be surprised you wrote this about them?

he'll never know about it. =,(

59) How many sibblings does this person have?

he has 2 older sisters who I never met.

60) If so, brother or sister? 2 older sisters.

61) Have you ever cried infront of this person? yes. once.

62) When is the next time you will see this person?

never again..unless there IS a heaven,and he is waiting for me when my time comes. =/

63) Do you tell this person secrets?

I told him EVERYTHING! I felt like I could tell him ANYTHING. I felt I could trust him. I knew he had my back and loved me. ^_^

64) Do you trust this person?

I trusted him SO MUCH! he earned it..too bad he didn't trust me as much. =(

65) Does this person trust you?

most of the time he didn't,but if he really TRULY had THAT much distrust in me, he wouldn't have stayed w/me,so I guess that's comforting.

66) What is this persons middle name? Paul

67) What is this persons full name?

Robert Paul Stizza

68) Does this person play sports?

he did when he was younger..long before I met him.

69) If so, which sports?

football..I think he said he played hockey too.

70) Have you been to this persons house?

yes

71) What is this persons favorite song?

I'm not sure.

72) Does this person speak another language?

no, he didn't,but he had a VERY SEXY New England accent that drove me WILD! ;) =D lol

I kinda want to do 1 about another guy lol

2020-06-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

Can you answer 72 questions about just one person?

well DUH! I just did! =P =D

1) What’s their name?

Matt

2) Does he or she have a boyfriend/girlfrind

Nope and apparently has never had 1. =0

3) Do you get along with this person all the time?
it was on and off with us -_-

5) Has he/she ever cooked for you?
no lol

6) Is this person older than you?
yes

7) Have you ever kissed this person?

Nope, but at 1 time, I wanted to.

8) Are you related to this person? no

9) Are you really close ?
I used to wish we were. I don't care anymore though.

10) Nickname? Matt

11) Do they have a nickname for you? Kat(same as everyone at work called me). lol

12) How many times do you talk to this person during a week?
Used to be 5 days a week if it was work related-otherwise, a couple time-mostly not at all other times.

13) Will this person repost this? I hope he never sees this. lol j/k

14) Do you live with this person?
no lol

16) How long have you known this person? at least a year

17) Have you ever been to the mall with this person? no. I never got to see him outside of work. =(

18) Have you ever had a sleepover with this person? no, but that would have been AWESOME! ;) lol j/k

19) If they ever moved away would you miss this person?

well, I lost my job, so I don't see him anymore, and I did miss him at 1st but now..it took a while, but
I think I finally managed to kill the feelings I had for him.

20) Have you ever done something really stupid or illegal with this person? nope. He had Dustin for that. lol

21) Do you know everything about this person? I know quite a bit, but that's because he would tell u about nearly anything if u listen to him. lol

22) Would you date this person’s siblings?
he just has 1 sister-and she's married, so hell no! lol

23) Have you ever made out with this person? NO...but I wanted to! *blushes*

24) Have you gone skinny dipping with this person?

no, but there was a time where that sounded very pleasant! =D

25) Is this person on drugs?

I hope not...but it would explain a lot. lol

26) Have you ever worn this persons clothes?
no lol

27) Does this person wear your clothes?
of course not! omg, that would be HILARIOUS! XD

28) If it was “freaky friday” would you switch bodies with this person?
only to see him naked. ;) lol j/k no thanks. I will pass

29) Have you ever heard this person sing?
I've heard him hum a few times now and then, and I would do that too. he sounded so cute ^_^

30) Do you and this person have a saying/word?
nope

32) Have you and this person ever gone clubbing?
no. he never wanted to hang out w/me anyway, nore could I get around to asking him to hang out. I either got nervous, or he shut me down before I could ask. =0

33) Do you know how to make this person feel happy?
nope. wish I did then he would've hung out with me

34) Do you and this person talk a lot? we kinda did but also didn't really either. =(

35) Do you like this person?

I used to-GOD I was in LOVE with him, and it SUCKED! it took me for EVER to get over him, I think my new crush finally killed the residual feelings I had left over.

36) Has this person yelled at you?
nope. he kinda snapped at me 1 time though, but for the most part, he was too much of a coward to tell ME when he had a problem with me...thought it was better to go behind my back and snitch on me to the boss. boy was I PISSED!

37) Have you and this person got into a fist fight?
no lol! I can't picture him in a fist fight with ANYONE...he's kind of a nerd lol! I do like nerdy guys by the way lol

38) Do you want to go out with this person?
I used to, but I finally gave up on even hanging out as friends. he definitely wanted NOTHING to do with me. =(

39) Do you want to be friends with them forever?
yeah like that's going to happen! I couldn't even have his friendship.

40) When did you last see this person?
1 time I went in and visited after being laid-off and saw him then-before that, it was the last day I worked before I was laid off.

41) Do you text this person?
nope. I had his number though ,but I wasn't about to text him..bitch boy already thought I was "harassing" him anyway.

42) Do you and this person talk on the phone? nope

43) Describe this person in one word

Confusing

44) Does this person like anyone?

yeah-Dustin! lol j/k I would be shocked if he did like someone; he's soooooo picky!

45) Have you ever played a sport or watched a sport with this person?
Nope.

46) Have you met this person's family?

nope

47) Has this person been to your house?
nope

48) Do you and this person have a special song?
NO.

49) Have you told this person you loved them?

No, but he already knew; it's why he made a big stink about it not so long ago.

50) Did they say it back?

of course not! it wasn't mutual(gee, what a surprise).

51) Do you think this person still loves you?

he never did

55) Do you miss this person?

not anymore

56) Is there a song that describe the relationship between you and this person?

what relationship? and once again, I can't think of any song that would describe us! lol

57) Have you danced with this person?

No, but that would've been cool

58) Do you think this person is going to be surprised you wrote this about them?
if he saw this, he'd prolly have a stroke and freak out again! he can't snitch on me about anything now though. lol

59) How many siblings does this person have? 1

60) If so, brother or sister? 1 sister

61) Have you ever cried infront of this person? nope.

62) When is the next time you will see this person? unless I go back into Pull-A-Part soon-never.

63) Do you tell this person secrets?

I told him some things because he used to open up to me at times ,but I could tell he never really cared to hear what I had to say.

64) Do you trust this person?
at 1st I thought I could, but then he went behind my back like the coward he is, so no. I didn't trust him after that.

65) Does this person trust you?
I never meant shit to him-I'll just put it that way

66) What is this persons middle name? John

67) What is this persons full name?
Matthew John Romans

68) Does this person play sports?

No! I couldn't imagine him playing any sport!! lol

69) If so, which sports?
quidditch! lol j/k

70) Have you been to this persons house?

no

71) What is this persons favorite song?

he doesn't like music with lyrics... I remember him saying that! XD lol

72) Does this person speak another language? No?

Survey about my new friend

2020-06-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

Since facebook stopped letting you use their "blog" thing, I'll put my silly surveys on here again:

Can you answer 72 questions about just one person?

well DUH! I just did! =P =D

1) What’s their name?
wouldn't you like to know? ;)

2) Does he or she have a boyfriend/girlfrind

I don't think so.

3) Do you get along with this person all the time?
for the most part..but sometimes I feel like I bother him. =(

5) Has he/she ever cooked for you?
Yes! A couple times

6) Is this person older than you?
Nope. 3 years younger

7) Have you ever kissed this person?

Nope,but sadly, I have wanted to.

8) Are you related to this person? no

9) Are you really close ?

we were only getting to know each other,but it seems like he's pulling back and not wanting to get close =(

10) Nickname? I'm sure he has 1,but I don't know it

11) Do they have a nickname for you? no lol

12) How many times do you talk to this person during a week?

I guess maybe 4 days a week if that..seems he only hangs around every other day if it at all

13) Will this person repost this? naaa coz it aint going on facebook,and I wouldn't want him seeing this anyway.

14) Do you live with this person?
no,but we live NEAR each other

16) How long have you known this person?no more than a few weeks that's why it irritates me that I like him this much. >.<

17) Have you ever been to the mall with this person? I haven't been anywhere outside of the rv park with him. =(

18) Have you ever had a sleepover with this person? haha we almost did in a way..until I finally left to check on my dogs. lol

19) If they ever moved away would you miss this person?

he's only here till next year sometime,so yes he will move away,and if I get too close to him,yes I will miss him-a lot

20) Have you ever done something really stupid or illegal with this person? nope,but he does try to get me drunk. lol

21) Do you know everything about this person? I know a lot but defintely not everything. He barely talks to me lately. =(

22) Would you date this person’s siblings?
I don't know his siblings and most likely no. I kinda want to date HIM-and I shouldn't. =(

23) Have you ever made out with this person? NO...but I want to! *blushes*

24) Have you gone skinny dipping with this person?

no,but that might be fun! =D lol

25) Is this person on drugs?

thank god NO! he's ambitious and smart! =) =D

26) Have you ever worn this persons clothes?
no lol

27) Does this person wear your clothes?
of course not! X-D

28) If it was “freaky friday” would you switch bodies with this person?

no way! the only way that might be appealing is I would get to see him naked! lol j/k

29) Have you ever heard this person sing?
YES! he plays guitar and drums too! he is really good,and you can tell he's passionate about it too! it's actually another awesome thing about him! =)

30) Do you and this person have a saying/word?
NO, we just mostly pick on each other..or we used to. =,(

32) Have you and this person ever gone clubbing?

he probably has but not me and not with him.

33) Do you know how to make this person feel happy?

not at all but fortunately he does that on his own without my help. nothing motivating him to even consider dating me. =(

34) Do you and this person talk a lot? we started out doing so,but he has pulled away from me,so not so much. =(

35) Do you like this person?

Yes and I wish I didn't! especially not this soon and especially not given my "track record" with men. =,(

36) Has this person yelled at you?

nope. I can't imagine him yelling at ANYONE-he's a sweetheart =)

37) Have you and this person got into a fist fight?
nope! to quote him he's a "lover not a fighter." lol

38) Do you want to go out with this person?
I do,but before I realized that, I had told him I liked being single and prefer to stay that way...ugh I'm an idiot!! >.< how the FUCK was I supposed to know I was
gonna end up getting a crush on him????!! =,(

39) Do you want to be friends with them forever?
I would like this to be a start an awesome frindship for now,but he's not gonna live out here for too long,and like I said before-
he has started pulling away from me a little. =,(

40) When did you last see this person?

last night! he actually hung out with me and the lady next door for a while-too bad he didn't come hang out again. =,(

41) Do you text this person?
I don't have his number. =(

42) Do you and this person talk on the phone? nope

43) Describe this person in one word

Cool =)

44) Does this person like anyone?

I don't even know..it seemed like he might have sorta been liking me a little, but now I'm not sure of anything at all. =/

45) Have you ever played a sport or watched a sport with this person?
Nope. I think music and biking/hiking is his thing anyway.

46) Have you met this person's family?

of course not! WE only just met. it seems kinda silly to meet his family. lol

47) Has this person been to your house?
well..yeah but not inside. lol

48) Do you and this person have a special song?
NO.

49) Have you told this person you loved them?

Of course not! and I REFUSE to call it "love"; I have a CRUSH on him. We just met, and he is kind of pulling away from me.
NO way I'm gonna admit that to him, and I pray to God he hasn't caught on. =0

50) Did they say it back?

NO. It was never said

51) Do you think this person still loves you?

he doesn't love me. lol

55) Do you miss this person?

In a way, I do because it seemed like we were really hitting it off, but now it's kinda slowed down, and I'm a little disappointed by it. =(

56) Is there a song that decribe the relationship between you and this person?

I don't think so??

57) Have you danced with this person?

Nope! just hung out and picked on each other..walked the dogs together =)

58) Do you think this person is going to be surprised you wrote this about them?
hopefully he never sees this,or he'll think I'm INSANE and REALLY want nothing to do with me. =0

59) How many sibblings does this person have?

I think he has a total of 3??

60) If so, brother or sister? 2 sisters and 1 brother?( he told me,but that doesn't mean I remember accurately) lol

61) Have you ever cried in front of this person? nope

62) When is the next time you will see this person? tomorrow...if he even wants to talk to or see me. =/

63) Do you tell this person secrets?

I think I told him a little too much a little too soon,and that's why he doesn't talk to me as much anymore. =(

64) Do you trust this person?
I feel like he can be trusted in general..just not with knowing too much about my feelings because it scares him off.(that's most guys anyway) lol

65) Does this person trust you?
apparently not..or doesn't think that much of me because like I said,he doesn't want to be around me much.

66) What is this persons middle name? Ha! I have no idea! he never said

67) What is this persons full name?
again...wouldn't you like to know? buahaha

68) Does this person play sports?

he hikes and bike rides-does that count?? lol j/k

69) If so, which sports?
none that I am aware of

70) Have you been to this persons house?

yes..inside his camper lol

71) What is this persons favorite song?

I couldn't tell u. The man is passionate about his music-it could be ANY song. lol

72) Does this person speak another language? Not that I am aware of, but he might.

The Depressing Never Ending Story

2020-05-05T21:04:00.001-07:00

Here is the story about a woman who is deeply depressed. The depression and mood swings had been around probably since her teen years which seem to have gotten worse with time-particularly during her 20s and now her 30s her unhappiness only increases as time goes by. She has always gone from job to job where each 1 makes her miserable,or she likes the occasional one,and it isn't too long before her employers look for reasons to get rid of her. The other thing that never changes is her love life! It has always sucked,and it never improves no matter what! The men she loves never love her back,and the one man she found who did died on her. Now she is back to being pursued by less than subpar men and falling in love with a man who will never have her. She is once again at a job she kind of likes-well mainly she loves her coworkers..and one in particular. The guy is confusing and can be such an ASS one minute and totally sweet the next...as usual when a man finds out she "secretly"loves him, he finds a way to make her pay for her "crime" in some way: this one by throwing her under the bus-going behind her back to the bosses instead of confronting her himself.

Because this isn't bad enough, things get a little better with time,and she even forgives him and they are decent to one another once again but lo and behold- coronavirus hits,and all the idiots lose their fucking minds to the point that they shut down the economy over it and lay people off-even companies that stay open. She takes home a dog that shows up at work,and the very next day is laid off..but wait! there's more! this dog turned out to be pregnant and while puppies are amazing-she lives in a tiny ass camper with noone else nearby. no human interaction and no family nearby coz everyone is in another state. So she is bored,depressed,and feeling overwhelmed with 5 dogs in a rinky dink camper,but wait..there's more bullshit! She spent the whole month of being laid off not being able to sleep-then it turning into always being tired no matter what! Day after day of cleaning up dog vomit and puppy shit. Day after day after maddening day of also nowhere to go and nothing to do-staring at the same fucking rv park and camper over and over again..

Finding ticks on her and having to constantly check for them..being afraid and grossed out to sleep in her own bed. Camper beds get pretty gross pretty quick! Wishing she was back to living in a house. Lonely,angry,depressed,and constantly tired. Somedays she contemplates suicide ..sometimes just thinking of sleeping in her car. She is losing her sanity and doesn't know what to do to solve it! She wants to cry but is kind of dried up at the moment..but mostly she just wants sleep-something she can't seem to get enough of! There u go..life sucks! What a sad lonely existance for a woman who feels so useless to even herself and questions why she exists in the 1st place. The End >=(

update blog: haven't done 1 of these in a while

2015-11-18T21:06:00.000-08:00

There is so much going on. so much...this crap w/ISIS basically killing EVERYBODY;they are attacking ALL nations! wtf? as if I didn't have ENOUGH trust issues...bring on more of the paranoia and feeling like I need to watch my own shadow sometimes. >.< anyways, Kenny is the guy I mentioned in the previous blog. I wasn't in love w/him at the time he started saying we should hang out. lol I'm mostly over the pain of losing Rob(and being back stabbed by his asshole family)..around the same time, Jake left after all. I'm not happy about this. stepped down from being a team leader,and now I don't have any1 who can make me laugh till I cry..some people kinda do,but no one can do it quite like Jake. That boy aint right!! lol. I miss him,and I can't get transferred by my house where I'd be close to home AND... working w/him again.

Anyway,right around the time Jake left was when Kenny started talking to me A LOT more than he already was before. He would seem to talk to me specifically even if his conversation was w/somebody else,he seemed to go out of his way more just to talk to ME; just to say "hi." He used to be in a rush to leave at the end of the night like the rest of us and especially never wait on me..now he does. He started hanging around and waiting on me; talking to me out in the parking lot almost all night long-all stuff he NEVER used to do before. Then he told me to text him if I was bored,then it was pushing to hang out. I'm glad I finally caved in and said yes. I can't tell u how many times I stressed to him I wasn't interested in being in another relationship. I was still feeling the sting of Rob's death,and I always get anxious when I know a guy likes me anyway. I could tell he was a sweetie and the kinda guy who loves HARD;the kinda guy who is easy to hurt,and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I prayed that if he was the man I was supposed to be with that I fall for him too coz I don't wanna hurt him. And now a couple months later,I'm in love,but it's not the same rush,nervous-ness/excitement-feeling -of -vulnerability that it had always been before-especially the way it had been w/Rob.

It went much slower this time,but holding hands,cuddling,and kissing always make my heart race. Even THINKING about holding him makes my heart do somersaults. I know now I wanna be w/him. I just get so awkward and nervous. Thank God he has so much patience....even more than Rob had,and he had been so patient w/me too. Hopefully something won't happen to him too,or he won't get tired of me at some point,or my anxieties and fears won't last forever and screw things up for us. Now that I love again,I don't wanna lose him too. I'm so sick of losing. I don't wanna be a loser anymore. No more losing those I love-either by death or by betrayal..or anything. I don't wanna keep getting hurt everytime I put my love and trust into someone. No more! That's basically it! I found yet another wonderful man,and I pray I don't lose HIM like I did the last 1. Now if I could get back that romantic writes sappy poems side of me back that I had w/every other guy I'd been in love w/before, that'd be great! =D lol

this is what u call "mixed blessings"

2015-09-24T23:40:00.001-07:00

So I made the mistake of getting in touch w/Rob's family a few days ago. I was naive enough to think these people really accepted and thought of me as family. They sure treated me that way 2 years ago when I ws introduced to them. ya know I felt GUILTY for not maintaining contact w/them and when I finally did,the way his stepmother treated me was WRETCHED! u would think if u have a loss in common w/someone,then u and those people can help each other and maybe even might like to know how u have been all this time, etc etc. right?? don't u think?? I thought so,but this dingbat didn't even remember who I was,so I explained that I had been Rob's girlfriend,and she fucking attacks me. bitching about me using their name on facebook(well I thought Rob and I were in love and would have married 1 day + I thought it was a sweet way of cherishing his memory). oh noooooooo! she wouldn't stop bitching as if I committed this great crime and acts as if I am delibrately stirring up the pain again. Well, I miss him too..so she tells me to get over it coz he used me and didn't care about me and all this. really?? he sure didn't behave at ALL like a man who doesn't care about his lady,and I KNOW a man who doesn't give a shit for real. If that IS true, wow. that makes me feel like I can't trust men at all if 1 can be THAT good of an actor. He was so protective of me,and easily got upset. like EMOTIONAL when he thought I was betraying him somehow..would a guy who doesn't care about u go through all THAT just to put up a front?? sounds like too much effort just to deceive someone to me. I don't get it. He was VERY affectionate w/me. VERY. whenever he apologized to me,he would TIGHTLY hug me and rock me back and forth. is that the actions of a man who "USES" me? how about the fact he even bothered apologizing at all?? nothing adds up. I'm trying to figure out what her motivation for lying to me would be too. didn't this bitch used to say, "u coulda been my daughter-in-law?" I know she did. My friend,Gabrielle was there w/me that day. She can tell ya. whatever. the GOOD news tho...

I seemed to have found somebody anyway. Someone at work who started out as an acquaintance for so long suddenly out of the blue, started showing an interest in me. I was very hesitant and resistant at 1st,but now I am glad I surrendered and started hanging out w/him. I've been having a great time,and I'm def starting to like him. I get butterflies and a racing heart when we cuddle/hug. wow!! The best thing is he doesn't do drugs or drink. HALLELUJAH!! =D and as FAR AS I KNOW, he's not USING me or being deceptive at all. I hope not. I am so SICK of being made to regret giving a man my heart. I'm just over it. I'm over the lies,over the betrayal..over the heartache...if you're just gonna use and abuse me later..GO AWAY!! he seems like the real deal but after what I learned about Rob...how can I trust this guy either? how do I know who I can trust anymore? my trust issues only got WORSE!!! =( then again,my fears/anxieties/trust issues etc could kill my chance of having a good man. I fear that too. Please God don't let me ruin a good thing? if it really is a good thing. I just don't know anymore. =,(

so much going on...

2015-09-03T23:06:00.000-07:00

I'm so BUMMED that Jake left our store. I was having fun giving him a hard time. seriously tho. I love him to death. The good thing is tho he works at the store just up the street from my house,so I get to drop in from time to time and annoy him good. =D I love that guy! he's my BUDDY!! ^_^ also..been hanging out w/another friend from work. This seems to have come from outta NOWHERE that he keeps wanting to talk to and hang w/me more. I've known him for MONTHS,but out of the blue, we are suddenly hanging out lately,and I gatta say I am enjoying it! I am NOT falling in love,but I am definitely having a great time and looking forward to the days we hang out. I am having more of a bounce in my step and am so much happier these days. I am no feeling as depressed or angry as I've been for a very long time. I am also attempting to get a transfer to the store up the road by my house and where Jake is. I would LOVE to be over here where I can annoy him and only be about 15 min from work. I had a crush on 1 guy and yet another is hanging out w/me lately. I am very mixed up w/all this...and kinda still missing my love,Rob. As long as I am being allowed to take things slow while I figure out where my heart/feelings,thoughts etc are headed before things go further, I will be fine. I just need to keep seeing where this goes and by that I mean where my feelings are headed-if anywhere.

what's w/these dreams??

2015-08-09T21:58:00.001-07:00

about a couple days ago, I had ANOTHER dream about something flying that is trying to get me. WHY do I have these dreams? it's always air craft of some sort that flies FAST towards my house like it's gonna smash through my window. I dunno. Maybe they're trying to kill me or something. This time it was the "big boy" statue or whatever it's called from "the simpsons." lol! it wasn't cartoon-like tho. It was "real." Like our world "real." Like what always happens in these dreams, I duck out of sight away from the window,but this time I was able to observe where it was and w/o it suddenly disappearing from sight. It was flying in circles like a hovering bird would over prey. wtf? like it waiting for me or something. It did that for a while and not "seeing" me,it finally left. weeeeeird.

I also had an AWESOME dream. 1 that I could control coz I KNEW I was dreaming. Sometimes, I still can't control my dreams,but I had the ability to control this 1. =) I had a dream about being at work and suddenly realizing I was dreaming and smiled over this and said to myself,"I know this is just a dream. I got an idea." In real life I have a HUGE crush on a gay guy at work(oh the irony), lol. Well in my dream, I marched right up to him and said, "I KNOW this is just a dream." then got straight to it. "I've had a major crush on u for several months." LOL talk about BOLD! hahaha. Anyway, to my surprise, he looked PLEASED about it. He smiled so big and then took my hand,and we walked right out the door. I was like, "oh, we're just up and leaving. ok. I guess we're not even gonna clock out 1st." It was just a dream,so I wasn't at ALL worried about it, LOL. I also hadn't forgotten that he's gay,but in my dream he was clearly straight..or at least bi. LOL!! coz he took my hand and walked me out. We were just gonna run off together I guess. We didn't get very far in the parking lot before I stopped him and pulled him to a tight death grip of a hug and stood there for a while just relishing in being in his arms. Then I pulled him down toward me and made out w/him..surprsingly he kissed me back! not stand there and let me do what I want, but he actually PARTICIPATED!! OH HELL YEAH!!! too bad it's ONLY a dream. dammit. lol yay!!! ^_^

I'm starting to lose my faith in men again..=(

2015-06-30T23:22:00.001-07:00

I realize he's just a BOY. yep. a boy. coz a REAL MAN would NOT be so disrespectful. He's only a teenager but still. I knew guys in high school(still teenagers then) who were far more respectful to women than this guy. I can tell u, he makes me miss and long for Rob even MORE because Rob woulda got PISSED at this guy. He used to get pissed off at other guys who talked like that because my man actually believed in RESPECT. u respect ur lady. u love her and protect her. u don't kiss(in this case fuck) and tell. My coworker ANNOYS me. don't get me wrong. he is FUNNY,but in general,he is a disrespectful ASS! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this 1: imagine..u break up w/ur gf/bf because he/she cheats on u..BUT u decide to still FUCK this person. EVEN when they have a new man/woman. now,if u hated it when it was done to u,y the FUCK would u go BACK to her/him and enable that person to do the same wrong to others that was done to u? that's him! he thought I would "delight" in hearing how he still screws her EVEN THO he "can't stand" her. really??? r u that MUCH of a moron???

he started naming all these names of guys she cheated on WITH him! smh..when I asked y would u wanna sleep w/some1 u supposedly "can't stand" his moronic response was, "coz it's fun." then he says, "I'm faithful once I'm in a relationship." yeah right! why do I have a hard time believing that? *rolls eyes* people fucking irritate me. I wonder if he knows I just basically put him down? prolly not. he's kinda stupid. right after he tells me all this, I said, "that's why I stay away from relationships and haven't even dated in a WHILE. I miss Rob soooo much. Rob showed me that some men actually DO have class,it's not all about sex,love IS real,a man IS capable of LOVING a woman as the woman she is not for her body,and yes,some men DO respect a lady and treat her as such. I need him back in my life to remind me what a real man is like coz I'm starting to "forget." =( oh..and I GURANTEE u if Rob was here today,he would BITCH this guy out. Not only did he GREATLY disapprove guys who treat women like sex objects/abuse them,but the fact that *I* was the 1 this clown talked to would've further pissed Rob off. He was so protective of me when we were just friends and was even more so when we became a couple. Rob would have been ANGRY to a tee finding out his own girlfriend was shown this much disrespect. so yeah,the asshole made me miss my sweet,loving,protective,respectful boyfriend even MORE.

Hoping this will help my faith out some..

2015-06-10T00:30:00.001-07:00

I'm just gonna make a list of prayers that actually HAVE been answered! a lot of my prayers go unanswered,but I have had some that were. I'm attempting to make my faith in God grow if it at all possible coz I'm having a crisis of faith,so here goes...the LIST...

Not the exact order of prayers either,and these r the only ones I remember atm..

1. Before Rob actually died, I woke up feeling so terrified (for no reason I can come up w/ for feeling that way) that something happened to him that I actually cried my eyes out and prayed over him constantly. I think when he didn't text me back was when the panic started to set in. Well after praying over and over that he would be ok,he finally,eventually texted me back,so I knew he was ok. false alarm.

2. Both when getting the job at Sam's and at Publix.

3. That I would do well in my interview at Publix coz I was a nervous wreck and have been so bad w/interviews lately.

4. When I was on my way to work (at Sam's),and my brakes weren't cooperating. fortunately, they didn't start messing up until I was already in the parking lot. I was going slow,but the car wouldn't stop,so I prayed there was nobody coming coz I blew right thru the stop sign.

5. I think I might have prayed about any chance I might have w/Rob since I was falling in love w/him and still scared to tell him..but I can't remember exactly. I did however,get my guy. =)

6. Ironically, my prayer was answered about calling off and LYING my ass off,so I could go to Emilee's grad party coz I am so SICK of missing out on family events. However,I felt intense anxiety the whole time and even the next day,but I didn't get in trouble at least. I hated lying to a certain guy I'm pretty much BFFs with,but I couldn't risk even telling HIM the truth considering the position he's in. Maybe the anxiety is God telling me, "I will cover for u and let u do this,but u will feel miserable and paranoid about it too. let this be a lesson to u about lying."
(who knows? I'm only guessing. I don't KNOW for SURE).

7. Ebony is constantly in and out of her spells and seems like she will die at any moment. I asked that she not go yet coz I can't handle all the deaths going on at 1 time still. particularly after losing Rob. =(

8. This 1 happened in a dream,and I was certainly a different person. It was like these ufos and/or planes or whatever they were were targeting ME. kinda like w/spirits only these were big air crafts dive bombing my yard/near my window,and it seemed like they were after ME. nobody else even saw/heard them. just me. I got so scared, I was shaking and crying and asking God to make them go away,and after a few minutes or so, I did stop hearing them,and they seemed to "vanish",yet I still felt paranoid throughout the rest of the dream,but they did NOT come back.

9. I think it was when I worked at Sam's,and I stupidly took a horseradish pill for spider veins. Anyway, after just clocking in for the day, I constantly felt like I was gonna hurl,and I PLEADED w/God for 30 minutes to make it stop: either vomit or leave me alone. It finally passed,and I lasted my whole shift after all.

10. I might have been praying the time I was pulled over too,and the cop only pulled me over to tell me I couldn't drive w/the high beams on(I had been speeding a little). Talk about a close call.

11. I didn't quite pray as much as I bitched( sorry, God =( ) when my buddy at work almost moved away coz his bf found a job opportunity in Orlando or something,and they were about to move away. I was so upset I admit. Seems like every guy I get close too(even in a non-romantic way) is eventually removed from my life,and I was upset. "First Rob now Jake too? r u gonna let me keep ANY of my friends/boyfriends?" Again-Sorry, God. Well I was making myself learn how to cope w/o him being there when I found out that, for whatever reason, Jake's bf didn't take the job,so they didn't move after all. That was sort of a prayer that was answered. Poor Jake tho. I think he really wanted to go,and his guy prolly had a great opportunity waiting for him too. Sorry Jake. =(

12. For the 1st time ever, I prayed to fall in love with an AMAZING guy who loves me,and I didn't want to hurt him because I didn't feel the same way. now I do,and we've been together 2 months now(September-Nov).

my VERY unusual dream

2015-06-04T17:59:00.000-07:00

I had a dream about being a boy who was apparently haunted. yeah, I was a BOY. I think maybe a pre-teen boy or however old boys are when their voice starts to change coz I heard in "my" voice what sounded half like a little boy/half like a teenager. Anyway, I kept seeing from inside ufos or huge planes or SOMETHING flying too close to my house. they would look like they're landing in my yard or like they were gonna smash right into my windows or slider doors because of how CLOSE they got the house. It was scary,and I only got frustrated coz I seemed to be the ONLY 1 seeing and hearing all this. I'm not sure when I went outside(I don't think I would've gone outside. I was too scared). It was like if ur house is built smack dab in the middle of the airport,so all the planes r flying AROUND u right BY u. that's how loud these ufo things were. some looked like really huge planes but others I'm not sure what they were. I was afraid someone or something was targeting ME. I was soooo scared. I kept going from room to room only to continue to see things flying straight at the windows. I swear they were coming for ME!!

At 1 point I somehow ended up at a different house in my neighborhood(I don't remember leaving the house)that was sorta empty,but I think my "parents" still owned coz I just walked right in there. It was 1 "we" used to live in. Anyway,I guess the move was recent coz "my" neighbors didn't know my "family" had moved. I think around this time is when I prayed. I actually said this, "God PLEASE help me? I know I don't really believe in u,but will u please protect me? please make it go away?" like that the commotion slowed down,but I wouldn't say it ceased entirely. Around that time I looked out the windows of this other house I'm now in and saw a cop outside. I think she picking up her little girl from the bus. There was another 1 of my neighbors walking by also(I think she was an elderly lady),and they both walked towards the house I'm in and knocked or rang the doorbell. I opened it and let them in. They asked me if "my" parents were home,and I told them that we actually don't live in that house anymore but moved just a block over or something. the 1 lady and her kid kinda hung around,but it was the other lady who actually kept talking to me. I was still looking out the windows and feeling paranoid but also much safer because I had a few people w/me. They got a point were they were ready to go home and wanted me to go home too. I didn't want to. I was afraid of stepping outside. the 1 lady and her child left,and the 1 I had been talking to I had BEGGED her to walk me home. I was still scared to step out there-especially alone.

I think I mentioned the things going on to my "neighbors" as well but like my "parents",they noticed nothing and thought I was being paranoid/getting scared over nothing. Once again, I heard my voice in my ears when I spoke, so I was def a boy in this dream, lol. So I convinced my neighbor to walk me home as I turned onto and then was passing a street before my "house",I saw some creepy looking homeless guy or someone just looking at me w/this mean stare as if he DARED me to look at him and say something. I wondered if he was some1 to fear too or just a creepy bum guy. not sure. I walked passed him as fast as I could too. When I got back to my house,my neighbor wouldn't even walk me to the door. She stayed out in the street and watched me go in before she continued on home. I was still freaked out,so I hauled ass into the house. I saw or herd no more signs of the weird planes and other flying objects,but I was still shaken up and feeling very panicky. When I walked in, my "parents" were going thru boxes or something. They had a mess of things in the living room. I think I had a little sister coz I now saw a little girl of maybe..infant or toddler age? I can't recall. I know she wasn't scared either. I was the only 1 who had experienced this trauma. My "dad" looks at me and says, "oh good. ur back. u can start on the garage." Apparently the garage is also a scary place my character has been before because I got scared and was almost crying and BEGGING him not to make me go to the garage,but he wasn't letting up on me,so I slowly and fearfully made my way to the garage. Only I never got there before I woke up. lol

My point is that apparently God FINALLY protected me this time even tho I still felt in fear. I no longer saw or heard those creepy ufos coming towards my house after I made that prayer. I say God finally protected me because he wasn't protecting me from the other night terrors I was getting. So.yay..maybe there's hope for my faith after all. =)

I wonder if it's only dreams,or do spirits actually come after me in my sleep?

2015-05-22T22:34:00.003-07:00

I had another dream that kinda freaked me out a little,yet I wasn't as terrified as I should be. for YEARS, I've been having "dreams"(I say that w/ quotes because they don't seem like ordinary nightmares) about some1 putting their hands all over me. grabbing me;grabbing an arm,leg or just poking me,and I can't see what or "who" it is. I'm always lying on my back in my bedroom,and it looks EXACTLY my real room;detail for detail-how it would look to me from the perspective it does when I'm awake. I'm always paralyzed when it touches me. I'm not sure,but I think I dreamt about it again,but this time I saw it if that was the thing.

So, I'm outside this time in my back yard at night,off to the side of the house,and I get into a deep powerful prayer w/God(more powerful than anything I've ever prayed while I was awake),and I think some part me knew I was dreaming because I remember asking God something like, " this prayer counts right? even tho I am dreaming?" anyway,when I was done praying(even ending it w/an "amen " which I never bother to do in reality),and I felt better. I was cheery and walking w/a bounce in my step as I walked back inside.
I have a deck in my back yard,but it was in a different shape and right outside the slider glass door w/no porch like I have in real life.

Anyway I was by myself,and I walked back inside thru the slider glass door. As I stepped in and turned around to close the door,I was caught off guard to suddenly see a "man" standing there looking at me. He wasn't there moments before coz I woulda passed him on the way to the door. He was standing right there on the other side of the slider w/only the slider door between us. I don't know y I didn't jump to slam the door shut. I just backed away,and he TOO CALMLY slid the door open,and walked right in towards me. I backed up but not too far,and he reached out and grabbed my arm. I'm trying to remember what he looked like. either somebody in space suit/scuba diving outfit(like the "old" kind I guess w/the helmet thing),or some old man w/glasses only where u should see eyes,it was..light? white light. I'm not sure. I can't accurately recall how he looked. I was slowly starting to lose the ability to move,but I was still able to move just enough to struggle. I started praying and asking Jesus to get rid of him(which of course didn't happen),but I still had control of my voice. Normally, I can't talk above a raspy whisper and sometimes not at all,but this time, I still had my voice at full volume. I was praying out a sentence,and the 1 sentence,it was like I lost my breath(only I didn't) because I missed 1 of the words in my sentence as my voice gave out,but I immediately got it back in time to get the next word,and I just kept going until I woke up.

Disturbing/Awesome Dreams

2015-05-18T22:19:00.001-07:00

Dream #1: I had some strange dreams this morning. I was only sleep maybe an hour at most when I started getting this weird series of dreams. The 1st 1 I think was about Rob. There was about 6-8 picnic tables w/ like 3 or 4 in each row under some outside "roof" like u would see at a park. anyway,some event of some sort was going on because all the tables were FULL. there were LOADS of people sitting at all of them,and I was kinda in the 1 row sorta furthest from the last table in the other row,and I thought I saw ROB sitting at that table. He was wearing the blue and white striped shirt I love so much w/the skull on it in the dream. It looked like him over there sitting,talking and laughing w/the people at that table. There were enough other people kinda in my way blocking my view just enough that I couldn't be sure if it was him,but I started pining away for him all over again. I don't recall speaking out loud,but I felt myself being ansty and almost jumping up and running over there,and I was thinking in my mind and heart, "omg. it's Rob. I miss u so much and love u. I want u back." or something,and he seemed to read my mind coz he suddenly stopped talking and laughing,and he looked right at me and got up just as antsy and fast as I was doing,and he started walking quickly towards me going around the people,but as he was making his way towards me,his appearance started changing. his face AND body changed,and he looked more like 12 or 14 year old boy...not a 12/ 14 yr old version of HIM but a random 12/14 yr old boy,and I started to push him away and said, "never mind. ur not who I thought u were." but maybe it WAS still him. I don't know,but it was weird.

Dream #2: My dream suddenly flipped over to another a dream. I had some dreams where I'm in my "room",but it's not my real room. However the same exact dim lighting I had on from my desk lamp was the same kinda light in my "room." my room was set up slightly different from my real room. I was standing by my bed and closet,and the bedroom door was to the right of my closet(in real life,it's to the left of it). It was Carrie. I met her at orientation months ago,and we've been good friends since..she was in my dream opening my door, I heard her talking to somebody I didn't see or hear,and she opened my door only slightly then looked at me,and I looked back then she closed the door and walked out. I can't remember if this was between my dream about Rob,and the next 1 I'm about to tell,or if was after. Anyway this brief bedroom/Carrie opening my door looking at me then leaving dream happened TWICE during my series of dreams. I dreamt about Jason Lee(who is my celebrity crush at the moment),and this guy at work who I also have a major crush on. Anyway, Jason Lee is sitting on the steps of some house,and I'm leaning down to kiss him. Just before our lips touch,the guy I know from work yells out to me, "KATHLEEN! STOP!" or something. I don't remember what he said,but he ran over there and picked me up,and ran back w/me across the street somewhere. He then set me on my feet. Again..can't remember all he said,but he was grinning and laughing and I guess...flirting w/me. Whatever it was he was about to do,he stopped himself and said, "wait! I'm gonna do this the right way!" and he started reaching deep down in his pocket,and I wondered if he was about to propose to me. It's weird coz in real life this guy is GAY,and he has a boyfriend. Before I could find out what he was about to do,the dream switched on me AGAIN.

"Dream" #3? I'm not sure but after the last few dreams, I woke up and intended to grab my dream catcher keychain from the top of my dresser,but I just couldn't make myself get up. My eyes quickly started closing again,and I couldn't fight 2 stay awake; I quickly lost that battle. I think I fully understand sleep paralysis now. My mind was still conscious even tho my body was quickly going back to sleep. I was afraid of what the next dream might be,so I was fighting the whole time and could feel myself going deeper back into sleep,and the paralysis had already started taking effect. I was trying to move and when that didn't work, I successfully opened my mouth(I think. not sure if for real or only in the "dream"),in an attempt to make ANY noise that would wake me back up,but I couldn't utter out a sound. Because I was terrified of what dream I might have,I started praying and begging God to let me wake up. Now mind u,I couldn't SPEAK,so I was praying in my HEAD. As I was praying,my thoughts FORMING,right on cue, I heard voices echoing back at me,saying what I was and kinda mocking the pleaing tone of desperation I would've used if my voice would work. The voices seemed to be speaking on my behalf,yet they sounded like they were MOCKING me. doing a half ass job of imitating my voice,and I saw nobody. Just heard some disembodied strange sounding voices..not so human sounding at all either mocking me or speaking FOR me since my voice wouldn't work. It actually creeped me out enough that when I finally woke up, I forced myself to sit up and stay awake for a WHILE before going back to sleep coz that last 1 seriously creeped me out.

For Rob

2015-04-20T16:24:00.001-07:00

why do I keep thinking of u so often? I don't wanna do that anymore.
I gatta finally lay u to rest,but ur memories "haunt" me.
I keep trying to move on,but I'm always thinking about u and running into people or situations that remind me of u.
I meet people with a new england accent or are patriots fans like u were.
I read things online that talk about true love and the perfect guy..all things with which u were and I had with u.
I have a new crush right now,but whenever I daydream about him, u quickly come back to mind.
Most of the time,I'm fine and have gotten used to ur forever absence from my life..
but then before I know it, u have crossed my mind this time in particular,and I start to miss u all over again and have to fight back tears.
u were my everything; our relationship was amazing.
We truly had true love. something our generation rarely ever sees in this crappy modern world.
please let me move on? we are separated forever.
I don't wanna continue being depressed and feeling the void of ur absence.
Just rest in peace,and let me LIVE in peace.
I love u,but I got to let u go.
I will never forget u my love..

you've been gone for nearly 2 years,and I'm still writing poetry about u. I miss u. =,(

2015-04-01T18:58:00.001-07:00

the pain never quite goes away. u can bury it deep and knock it unconscious,but u never can really destroy it.
it always come back. when u least expect it..w/a vengeance. ur under the illusion that time has helped u 2 accept he's gone,
but it's only a matter of time before ur thinking about him again,and remembering ur time together and wishing he was still here.
the pain consumes u before u know it.
ur missing him again and wanting to die because living w/the pain is exhausting and stressful and sheer torture. u want him back all the time.
but u can never have him back.
u accept that he's never coming back,and numb ur mind to his loss.
sometimes u numb urself so well that it feels like u made him up. or at the very least, u feel like ur relationship was made up and sometimes even wonder if he even existed to begin w/.
then u start to feel sad because u feel like u are betraying him w/ur desperate attempt to forget him just to ease the pain.
it isn't long before ur driving by his old place or see or hear something else that reminds u of him,and the memories bombard u and remind u that he WAS real. he DID exist and so is the fact that u were indeed a couple,and it's real all over again,and u miss him all over again.
the grief starts all over,and the whole vicious cycle is back. u miss him so much,u feel the stabbing pain in ur heart all over again; the hole in ur heart that was never filled.
only patched over for a while. ur once again trying not 2 curse God for taking him.
u know that no other man will be as good for u or love u like he did;
u know u won't be able to love another man as much as u loved him.
it's a vicious cycle of come and go pain that u know u will live w/for the rest of ur life coz
the memories r forever imprinted in ur mind. true love truly never dies even when ur TRUE LOVE does.

the confusion is definitely at hand here. lol

2015-03-13T23:57:00.001-07:00

the big million dollar question about the guy I like is..is he gay or married? I'm mainly confused because not only do I see him hang more around girls than guys,but I've only seen him FLIRT w/women too. That might be confusing. He also wears a gold ring on his left hand,so it appears he's married. However,a friend of mine and I were talking about the types of guys we find attractive,and I said that I like men w/dark hair and dark eyes. Another coworker overheard this and told me that people w/brown eyes are connivers. To which I said that my boyfriend had had brown eyes,and he was a sweet heart. ^_^ Anyway,my cutie team leader (*blushes*) over heard THIS part,and he said, "what does that make me? I have hazel eyes." LOL! Also,my friend mentioned that the world has 1 less amazing guy because my boyfriend died,and this guy says, "what about me? I'm amazing; I'm still alive." aww. I hope that means he might be somewhat interested in me. I doubt it,but it was still cute. lol!! I like him A LOOOOTT!!! omg!! * blushes* I wonder what that means. y would he even care if he's gay or married? He should only be focused on what his spouse thinks of him if he has 1 like I think,or if he's gay,then y would he wanna convince FEMALES that he's amazing? what would be the point? it's not like either of us could date him if he is. see? hence why my blog has CONFUSION in the title. I am really wondering now. lol I love how he hugged this 1 girl who he's like best buds w/,and this old lady who he cashiered for was like, "did she pay w/cash? is that y she gets a hug?" then he hugged her too..now mind u she's an OLD lady. elderly! and now he's got his ego inflated and tells me he's a ladies man. LOL!! that was freaking hilarious! he is NOT ok. LMAO!! again..do GAY guys even "jokingly" say that they are a ladies man? doesn't seem to me like a truly gay man would even be FLATTERED by the idea of it,and he sure seemed to like that. =) cool beans. he does seem to like women. =D that's a little encouraging.

what's it gonna take to truly move on and get some relief?

2015-03-03T13:40:00.000-08:00

I still love u and miss u for all of my days.
I crush a lot and am crushing now,but I still miss you.
In the past,getting a new interest made me forget about the past broken heart
but let's face it-what u and I had was too strong; too AMAZING to replace.
u did once tell me to never forget u.
maybe that's what it is. maybe somehow u are "still around" making sure I can't forget u.
no matter what I do. no matter how much I think I've healed and "moved on", u are still on my mind ALL the time.
At night when I'm all alone, I want to dream about u. I stare at ur picture because it makes me feel like you're there looking back at me.
No matter how much I crush and am able to notice other men again,they still can't take ur place.
You're still the 1 I wanna talk to about everything both good and bad that happens in my life.
I miss u so much and surely will till my last dying breath.
I will likely speak ur name as my last word(s) on my death bed.
I wanna be able to love again and give another man a chance,but no man can ever make me feel the way u did-or satisfy me emotionally and intellectually like u did.
No man can be my BEST FRIEND like u were.
No other man is gonna think as much the same as me as u did.
I miss u so much and sit back an imagine what our future could've been.
I grieve the beauty that was lost when ur life was taken so suddenly.
I can't stand not having u in my life even now,and it's been almost 2 years.
Even in another 20 -40 years, I'm sure I will still grieve ur loss.
I think about u often,and beg u to come see me in my dreams again but nothing.
I want u back. I'd do anything if I could get u back-
I'd do anything to have saved ur life-prevented ur death in the 1st place, my love.
I miss u miss u MISS U SO BAD!
there was a time when crushing on other guys made me forget a broken heart I had prior to it-but not U.
NO other man can make me forget u.
NO other guy as much as he tries, can take away the pain of losing u.
He could be the most AMAZING guy and treat me well like u did,but he still can't take ur place.
He can't take away the pain losing u has inflicted on me.
I will never stop missing u and longing for u until my last dying breath,my love.

I'm much happier than I've been in a long time. =)

2015-02-12T22:30:00.001-08:00

I found a new job at PUBLIX of all places. I've always heard good things about Publix,and I finally get to work there. I love my coworkers. I don't get stupid drama rumors and crap from them like Sam's and Walmart and plus..we get to goof off!! everybody goofs off-including the managers. ^_^ there is 1 team lead(who I thought was a manager. oops).,and...*blushes*...I've kinda got a little crush on him. he is realllllllllly cute,and he is HILARIOUS!!! he dresses all professional and tries to make u think he's so "mature",but he's really a DORK. YEAH!! MY KINDA GUY!! ^_^ I just hope he isn't taken. Once THAT issue is out of the way(if ever) then I gatta make sure there's not some policy about team leads and employees dating(that is if he's even interested). I'm not at all looking for a relationship anymore. I just wanna casually date. Go out and hang. Have a good time. Talk and get to know him. That's all I want for now. I just pray to God he's single. I really wanna date him so bad. He's def cool. He's very sweet/easy to talk to,and I get to act like a retard w/him coz he does the same. =)

The other day, he found a half eaten donut abandoned in it's box on the table in the break room,and he finished it off. lol he started giving this 1 girl a hard time. she has an accent,and he started mocking her accent the way a bratty child would do trying to be annoying/get attention. it was so funny. A few days ago, it was raining,he poked his head out the door to where I was, looked at me w/narrow eyes and pointed at me. I said, "what? I didn't do it." He said, "yes u did. u made it rain." LOL!!! then we "argued" back and forth about how the other person made it rain,then he said, "ur right. I made it rain." then he said, "how u dooooooon." in this strange voice and almost in the way Madea talks when she says it or says "halleluyer." He actually made me think of Madea too. OK ok. I'm hooked. he's cute, he's sweet, AND he's crazy. shit! that's my kinda guy right there. LOL!! I want so bad to get to know him more but not just at work. I wanna hang out w/him outside of work too. some place just the 2 of us where we can just talk and get to know each other. That would be great if he's just the kinda guy to help me get over the PAIN of losing Rob once and for all. I want to move on already. don't wanna keep being depressed and angry anymore. I'm also praying he works tomorrow. I really wanna see him. =) =D ^_^ That's all I wanted to state. I really like the guy. =)

dream or obnoxious spirit?

2014-12-13T20:16:00.001-08:00

I have been having this "dream"(and so has my friend) for years about something or someone I can't see that keeps poking me in the ribs,and just plain GRABBING me just for the sake of TOUCHING me I think,and I'm ALWAYS paralyzed. I can't fight off whatever keeps touching me. I can feel my muscles HURTING from trying to move. it's like it only wants to grab just to keep me from moving coz I can't move when it touches me. it will just grab me then hold me. it doesn't move me anywhere, it doesn't make any sound whatsoever,it doesn't attack me really..not in the violent sense that I'd think a demon would do. I just don't get it. why has it been bothering me for all these years? what does it want? I've been calling it a bad dream all this time,but why do I keep having it? why does it attack me only at night when I'm in the dark? when I sleep w/the light on or in the day time,I have no issues. It's y I stay up all night. This is also the ONLY "dream" I keep having years and years later, I can't see what's attacking me,and I can't move to fight it off. Did I mention that I can barely talk? I think I'm starting to get more control of my voice now. In fact, I end up talking in my sleep. I don't think I do that when I'm actually dreaming. I am always wherever I'm currently sleeping(for instance, my room) when this happens. I do escape when I wake up. I don't sense a presence or anything paranormal at all,but I wonder what the HELL it is?! I keep wondering if maybe some type of "spirit" is really annoying me all the time? I can't anymore think of a logical explanation for what I'm experiencing..especially since my friend at least 1 other person gets these "dreams" too. =/

it's weird some of the things I remember that I hadn't thought about in a while...

2014-11-27T21:02:00.005-08:00

It wasn't too long after my boyfriend's death(maybe a month or 2 after at most) that I had a dream about him. We were in a crowded store,and he was almost as far away from me as from 1 side of the store to the other. It was strange how crowded the store was,yet it wasn't even noisy. Nobody else seemed to notice anything going around them. They didn't notice me,and they didn't notice Rob.

I saw Rob on the other side in a crowd of people looking from 1 left to right like he was looking for something-or someone. I kept watching him a distance kinda frozen like that-not sure how to react and suddenly,it was like he could sense me looking at him coz he finally looked over my way,and our eyes met. As soon as our eyes made contact, he somehow,without a lot of effort, managed to make a bee-line towards me right through the crowd. He would've had to push through people,but none of them noticed,and I don't recall he actually PUSHED through them. He was in a hurry to get me.

Once he got to me,he wasn't even out of breathe or anything,he just looked me in the eye and said, "do u know what happened to me?" This dream didn't seem real,but at least 1 friend thinks he actually visited me in my dream. I remember crying all over again and telling him what his dad had told me and like his dad, I didn't know. The weird thing is I was crying and getting loud in a crowd of people,and NOBODY noticed. In real life, that would catch attention.

It was like we were BOTH invisible to everyone. We actually walked outside after that and in spite of the crowd inside, it was practically empty in the parking lot. I remember calming down and chatting w/Rob like old times. I had asked him, "have u seen God yet?" and he kinda looked at me as if surprised by my question. He also seemed to have to think about it and said, "umm I think he's over here.." and he kinda walked over to a spot where there was a dumpster or something there,and he was insinuating maybe God was "behind" whatever that dumpster/wall was. I didn't really wanna go too close to the spot anyway,but I kinda craned my neck a little and somewhat "looked."

It was then that I woke up from the dream. My friend thinks he actually visited me and that it means he's w/Jesus. Ok, assuming that's true, y did he have to ask me what happened then? wouldn't he already KNOW if he was actually w/God?? It doesn't make sense! =/

just some thoughts...

2014-11-15T13:09:00.000-08:00

so while I'm struggling to retain this faith that I supposedly "have", I'm wondering if I'm a hopeless cause, or work in progress? I want to believe fully 100% in God and that he had a son who died for us and saved us,but I must admit..all the atheists I run into make damn good cases that I can't argue. I don't entirely believe either. I've been feeling like I have a curse on me between these creepy dreams of being touched by something or someone I can't see and not being able to fight back coz I can't move,financial crisis like my inability to get AND keep a job,the loss of my boyfriend, and my inability to understand and remember anything at school,it's really taking it's toll on me. I feel like no amount of praying ever does any good; it's like God just doesn't care or doesn't hear me or worse...doesn't exist. However, how did we all get here without some sort of creator? How did the earth,the planets,and the whole solar system-everything come to be without someone or something putting us and them/it all here? I want to believe in the supernatural/spirits so badly because I want there to be an after-life. If this all there is then what's the point of existing? I don't like the idea existing for a little while only to go back into non-existance. It's easy to see y people get so depressed. I get depressed A LOT and angry. I know my christian friends def caught on to me being a challenge. sometimes, I think they might feel like I'm a hopeless cause. I'm a negative person who doesn't believe in much,but I just sometimes go thru way too much at once or when I do get blessed, I usually get cursed shortly after..my boyfriend was a good example of that. I found an AMAZING guy who loved me back and proved it.

He accepted me as is and was very patient,supportive,kind,funny,protective,easy to talk to..u name it. That was him. The perfect guy! but he died last year,so here I am being blessed with this wonderful man in my life,and of course,here comes the curse right along w/it coming to take him away from me by ending his life. =( I evny real christians. They know how to be grateful and cheery in spite of the bad that happens to them-they ended up being more blessed than cursed( unlike me),and they believe there really is a heaven and all-powerful being who loves us so much and forgives us no matter how HORRIBLE we are,and that 1 day he will come back and bring justice and peace to the world...for some reason I struggle w/that faith. I feel like if maybe I have an experience with the supernatural,it'll strengthen my faith. I have heard stories of people claiming to have had such experiences who went from atheists to christians,or simply strengthened what little faith they already had. That's what I'm hoping will do it for me coz right now, things don't look good;I can't be convinced. =(

I miss u all the time...

2014-09-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I've finally healed...
Just when I think enough time has passed..
I am proven wrong with a memory or ur picture..
I have a new crush,but it still doesn't replace the undying TRUE love we shared.
I think of u all the time.
certain things happen that remind me of u and all we had done together or went through.
I miss u all the time.
U cross my mind often.
I look at people getting married;having kids and think that could have been us.
I have to always fight jealousy over the couples I see.
I want to be able to someday fall in love again,yet at the same time I find myself begging God not let me fall for another because the pain of losing u has scarred me so bad.
I'm like a soldier in a brutal war..even though I have survived and made it home in 1 piece, I'm still scarred on the inside.
I'm still uptight and nervous and in much pain
I feel the pain as much today as I did the day u died.
I MISS U!
True love truly never dies, my love for,
I still love u more than anything in this world.
I still LONG to hold and kiss u again.
I still die to hear ur voice again..
I MISS u every single day no matter much I think I've healed.
Time doesn't really heal. it makes it easier to deal w/but it never cures the pain.
I've learned how to laugh and smile again but in the middle of it all,
I still feel deep sadness for ur constant absence.
I want u to be apart of my life both bad and good.
We were meant to be.
I would give anything to have u back.
I miss u so much, my love.
My partner-in-crime.
No other man can take ur place.
No other man can make feel the way u did; make me HAPPY the way u did.
No other man will think like me and GET me the way u did.
I miss u so much!
The world is a cruel enough place without losing the 1 person who makes it easier to get through.
It sucks enough without having to lose my 1 true love.
I miss u,Sweet heart,
Rest in Peace.
I pray there really is a heaven,and u r there right now waiting for me to join u when my time comes.
I love u, Robert Paul Stizza.
I'll ALWAYS miss u-always love u for the rest of my days.

the dreams are back!! ^_^

2014-08-24T20:48:00.002-07:00

I came from church today,passed out for the rest of the day,and had a dream about the guy I like and shouldn't. lol!! it's a little un-nerving because I SWEAR we r def having an affair in my dreams. shit! =0 all my dreams about him were him flirting w/me very "discreetly"; keeping his distance a little but not too far. I've had a dream where we were both standing on a playgroud full of kids. I think we were watching over a church group of children or something,and there were a few swing sets(not just 1 like playgrounds usually have),and I was standing near by 1 swing set talking to some of the kids playing on it,and there was another 1 only a few feet away,and HE was standing under that 1(there were no kids on that 1). He was just standing there all cool and calm and LOOKING at me..and SMILING!! AHHHH!! I think I had dreams of him doing the same thing,and we'd have these "moments" where not much happens,but u know SOMETHING is DEF happening. It usually starts w/the LOOKS.

Anyway this time we got a little more bold. In THIS dream I had, I think I had stuck around at church or something for a long time. I was the last to leave,and I mean the last by several HOURS. lol It was just him and maybe 1 other guy from our church hanging around and talking to him a while. I kinda kept to myself for a while and gathered my stuff then left. Suddenly, the dream skips over to him coming to my house. I invited him in,but he wouldn't come in. He said to meet him out back..thru my back yard. He had brought some stuff over for me. I can't remember if he was giving me something or if I had left something behind that he brought back to me. Anyway, he was so clever in his little scheme. I went out back and met him at the gate. Literally all that was between us was a damn fence and not a very high 1 either. I think he set my stuff down on the ground 1st and either, right over the gate,or walked thru it when I opened it, he looked at me for only a few seconds,I started to grin and blush a little,then he kissed me!! ^_^ I mean we made out a little but only a little coz I blushed so bad, I pulled away. probably turning bright red. lol! I hate that even in the DREAMS, he's married,so I'm kinda an adulterous witch in my dreams. I def wouldn't do this in real life,and I don't think he would either. But ohhh are we HORRIBLE people in my dreams!! I GOT TO KISS HIM!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! and since it was JUST a dream, I don't see how it was wrong in anyway. They say dreams are the best way to act your problems and fantasies in a safe way. Coz u could never do these things in real life w/o DIRE consequences,but it's perfectly ok in a dream. =) Besides...I only get dreams..his wife gets to have him for REAL. She still wins. =) lol and I can act out my desires w/o being a home wrecker. ;) =D