Jokes

THE BEST DRUNK PRANK!!

2009-10-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

Pescadores

2009-10-22T11:21:00.003-07:00

Car Joke

2009-10-22T11:16:00.001-07:00

Funny joke!

2009-10-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

Scary practical jokes, very funny

2009-10-22T10:40:00.000-07:00

Computer Pwnage

2009-10-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

kid scared shitless

2009-10-22T10:17:00.001-07:00

Glad to be drunk

2009-10-22T10:11:00.001-07:00

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

HEAD CHEF — A Practical Joke Not To Be Done At Home

2009-10-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

Russian Practical Joke

2009-10-22T09:58:00.001-07:00

the best practical joke ever...

2009-10-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

CAT FOOD

2009-10-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly. When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner."Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified."You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."

CLEVER ! !

2009-10-19T11:21:00.001-07:00

A very tight man was looking for a gift for a girlfriend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his friend."Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately Printable Version

RUDE PARROT

2009-10-19T11:20:00.002-07:00

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

MEMORY PROBLEMS

2009-10-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?""Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me.""That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?""You mean a rose?""Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

LAWYERS BMW

2009-10-19T11:19:00.001-07:00

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. about the damage to his precious BMW."Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined."You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!" Rolex???!!!!!"

GAMBLING

2009-10-19T11:18:00.001-07:00

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny???s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, ???I think I broke his gambling???. The father asked how and she said, ???He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.??????DAMN!??? said the father.???What???s wrong????, the teacher asked. Little Johnny???s father said, ???This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher???s butt before the day was over!??? s butt before the day was over!???

NEED LIGHT

2009-10-19T11:17:00.005-07:00

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?""Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?""What? And work in the dark?"

THE AFTERLIFE

2009-10-19T11:17:00.003-07:00

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. Mary... Mary... Is that you Fred? Yes, I have come back like we agreed. What is it like? Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. till late at night, sleep then start all over again. Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven. Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.

HERPES

2009-10-19T11:16:00.002-07:00

A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string. He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam."Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon." says the little boy."Sonny, I think you're a little young for that." replies the madam. The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand."One lady coming up." says the madam."And I want her to have herpes," says the little boy."Why on earth would you want that?" asked the madam, "and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean." The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam."One dirty girl, coming up," she says. The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says,"Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?" The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, "It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna***** her and SHE'S going to get the herpes. Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and ***** her and HE'S going to get the herpes. Then when my dad gets home, he's going to ***** my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes. Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and ***** my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY ***** FROG!"

FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

2009-10-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

DONATING BODY FLUIDS

2009-10-19T11:14:00.003-07:00

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line. Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."

CASTAWAYS

2009-10-19T11:14:00.001-07:00

A six-year old boy was the only survivor of a sinking ocean liner; he made it to an uninhabited island in the South Pacific and learned to live on his own over the course of the years. Much later, a fancy yacht sank and a beautiful young woman came swimming up to his island. He pulled her to shore, delighted to finally have some company. She asked him, "How have you gotten along here by yourself?" have you gotten along here by yourself?""I've found different plants to eat, I dig for clams, and I occasionally can spear a fish in the lagoon""How long have you been here?""Almost twenty years.""Well, you probably never even knew about sex, then, did you?""What's that?" So she shows him. Afterwards she asked him what he thought about what they'd just accomplished. He said, "Well, it was just fine, but look at what it did to my clam digger

SNORING PROBLEMS

2009-10-19T11:13:00.001-07:00

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can???t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."

TOILET PAPER

2009-10-19T11:12:00.002-07:00

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice,"Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper." After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away"