The Stone Circle Collection Blog

Where do I begin???

2012-11-19T13:30:00.002-05:00

How do I tell my children about how sick I really am? How do I explain to them (even though they are all almost adults) how short my life expectancy is? Should I tell them?

What about the rest of my family and my closest friends?

I'm at a loss for words today with this struggle. I have a doctors appointment in two days and my friend is taking me. He's going to find out EXACTLY how bad its been. I know I am going to cry in the office with my Dr. we are just that close that even with a hug he can tell how sick I really am.

How do I ask for medications that will aid in my comfort levels and quality of life rather then quantity? I am so tired of living this lie with the fake smile and saying "I'm fine" for the thousandth time rather then the truth.

Lupus has attacked my kidneys, my heart, my nervous system, my joints and multiple other organs that had to be removed already. I don't want meds that make me sick anymore they don't work either, otherwise it would be worth it in the long run.

My sons wife is due in January with my first biological grandson and I fear that he will never know me. For that matter the two girls born this past spring remembering me is almost null. I have pushed through so many things this past year that I am just worn out and tired of fighting. I know it sounds like I am depressed, maybe on some level I am; but I am just tired of being in pain and going to sleep every night wondering if I will wake up in the morning or every time I get a chest pain if that is going to be the last one.

I do take care of myself. I have lost nearly 30lbs in the past 4 months in an attempt to avoid diabetes on top of the nephritis. I just don't know what to do, think, feel or say to my loved ones at this time. I love them all so very much that holding my grand children brings tears to my eyes. So many lives have been lost this past year due to Lupus, I just keep wondering "am I next?"

But you look GREAT!

2012-11-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

I hear this more often then I care to hear it. Its an issue with Auto immune diseases and I am sure anyone with an invisible disease has heard their share of frustrations concerning the inconsiderate comments from uninformed people that believe its just all in our heads.

While the truth is that my rosy cheeks are simply not health related they are in fact related to my disease. Its like blushing when you are highly embarrassed but times 100%, your eyes burn, your face burns and it hurts like hell even being in the sun.

My pale skin isn't because I don't love the sun, I do. I used to be so tan from working out in my gardens and just being outside all the time. I hated being cooped up inside the house. Now I fear going outside on a sunny day for fear of the prickly (more like needles stabbing me all over) feeling all over my exposed skin.

I posted before about my kidney problems; this is a common effect from Lupus. It attacks the kidney's, heart and nervous system primarily. I unfortunately have all of these conditions. My kidney's are failing rapidly, I have had had two heart attacks this year, one stroke, I have fibromyalgia on top of it all which prevents me from even taking a shower some days because the nerve endings are so sensitive that the water beating down on me hurts to the point of tears.

As of late I have had no insurance to get the medical treatments that I require to remain "comfortable". Its what my doctors tell me is all they can do for me now that I can't take many of the treatments because of my nephritis, heart condition and well my psychological predisposition to severe depression. Also add in there sleep apenea and you have a recipe for disaster. I can't take anything with acetaminophen or ibuprofen in it as well as an allergy to morphine and several other meds. I can't win for losing.

The past few days have been horrible, I can barely walk because my feet hurt so bad. I can't craft like I used to be able to do because my fingers won't cooperate. Its depressing and frustrating, I feel like a complete failure to my family and kids.

I do have one person in my life who supports me, wants to learn about this disease and has been there for me when everyone else abandoned me, including my own family; its devastating to lie to them and put a smile on my face when I know how crummy I really feel. I don't want them to worry about me, I care about them so much that I don't want to add to their stress levels by telling them how sick I really am.

Lupus, fibro, nephritis, heart problems, nervous system problems (seizures), strokes and a multitude of other issues often over shadow the pain. My pain medications don't work anymore so I have to make a decision about what to do next to be comfortable. I don't know how long I will remain here on this plane, I look forward to the next one and sometimes wish I hadn't been revived this past summer when I actually died. I know it sounds cold and even selfish; however, I can't help but think that my family would be better off without me and the worry that goes along with the care they feel.

Living with lupus

2012-11-08T15:39:00.002-05:00

I promised to try to update my blog again daily as it is really my only form of outreach I have. Especially lately since I have been flaring like crazy! I am writing to you from my bed, since I can't seem to get up or walk the past couple of days without a lot of pain that no amount of pain killers is even touching.

I know some of you have read the "spoon theory" but I must post a link once again so those who haven't read it can maybe understand a little better what its like to live a life with lupus...the spoon theory ... the woman who wrote it couldn't have explained it any better in my opinion and why we call ourselves "spoonies".

Basically Lupus is marked by a low grade fever, rash on the face and chest, painful swollen joints, migraines, sun sensitivity, kidney problems, heart problems and many others, these are just a few of the symptoms I myself endure. Its an auto-immune disease that causes your body to attack healthy cells and treats them like they are foreign or infected; thus activating the immune response and causing damage to otherwise healthy organs and cells.

I am in one of these "flares" right now along with my fibromyalgia; which in itself is almost worse then the lupus because it causes your nerve endings to become ultra sensitive and it hurts to even be touched, wearing clothing, brushing your hair, teeth, getting dressed is an exercise of pain and endurance. Heck it hurts to even have the shower running on my skin during this flare:(

After and since my heart attacks and stroke this past summer I am really scared about the outcome. I have lost so many lupus friends over the past year due to complications from the lupus it really makes me wonder why I am still here; my mom says I have the lives of a cat (I'm not sure if that's a compliment or a complaint, lol; however I have endured much worse in my years of life and I will do everything in my power to fight this as well. I have never been a quitter or someone to give in or up easily; some days are honestly harder then others to maintain the smile through the pain and keep on going no matter what.

Where cancer is concerned there are 150 cases diagnosed every minute according to cancer stats; where there are currently 500000 to 1 million lupus patients already suffering with this disease and according to lupus and fibro facts 16,000 are diagnosed annually. This does not include those who are and will continue to be misdiagnosed frequently because Lupus mimics so many other diseases such as Lyme disease.

The medications are a cocktail of cancer drugs, anti-malarial medications, steroids and of course the never ending trial and error of medications to keep us comfortable and try to obtain "remission" which I mentioned in an earlier post that I don't believe in, simply because when we aren't flaring the immune system is still actively attacking us. There has been a new drug called benlysta which has been on the market for about a year now and most insurance companies don't cover it as it is extremely expensive and still not many doctors trust it for the treatment as of yet. At least my doctors don't trust it enough to try it on me, even though I currently have no insurance, so I guess it doesn't really matter to me anyway.

I just want to have some kind of quality of life, laying in bed, not being able to do the things I love, having to cancel at the last minute on those I love is devastating and depressing at best. So for now, I am going to give in to the uncontrollable extreme exhaustion and go back to sleep for a while.

Love and blessings to you, thank you for reading and subscribing to my page. It means a lot to me for those of you who don't know me to want to read and learn from my life's experiences.

2012-11-07T21:06:00.002-05:00

So many things have happened since my last post I'm not sure where to really begin.

Well first off my third grand daughter (biological) was born on Easter Sunday, I wasn't allowed to be there for my daughter or granddaughter who ended up in the NICU for a few days. It broke my heart and just about killed me to be away from my newest grandchild, but I had to respect her parents choice. I have only seen this beautiful little girl once since her birth and have had one picture sent to my phone of her on Halloween.

This is the picture of me and Sophie at our first meeting in July of this year at my cousins wedding that I was photographing for her. She is just so precious, she took to me right away and I believe she remembered my voice from talking to her mommy's tummy through her pregnancy.

Also in April my (soon to be ex-husband) decided that he was going to cause my youngest daughter so much stress that she had herself removed from my care via CPS. Its been a long summer of classes, supervised visits and ultimately giving custody of her to her father, against my better judgment but its what she wanted and she is 16 so I gave her up.

On May 3rd I was in an auto accident with an old friend of mine; I didn't know it at the time it was him that I hit but only found out later on who it was and was so thankful he survived.

The red car was his, and yes you see right its in two pieces, the second pic is the car I was driving. I was lucky enough that I had a local EMT right behind me to keep me awake, still and coherent. I was lucky to "walker" away with only a broken pelvis; Al (my friend) wasn't so lucky, he was hospitalized for a few days with internal bleeding. I thank God every day for sparing us both, I don't think I would have wanted to live knowing I had killed not only another driver but an old (elderly, Vietnam veteran) friend. They wouldn't tell me who he was until days later. I wish I had known sooner, I would have visited him in the hospital to tell him how very sorry I was. The only thing I could do was help fight his prosecution and not take anything from him financially.

Around the middle of May I suffered a heart attack and found myself hospitalized once again and my marriage over. I stayed with some family members for a couple of months only to end up back in the hospital with aspiration pneumonia because of an allergy to a pain med that my doctor was trying to help me with, needless to say they thought I had attempted suicide (which I did not) and they knew because I had more pills then I should have had in the first place in my script left. Besides a week before this my youngest aunt passed away from Parkinson's disease, which was the mother of the family member I was living with and also the family member who saved my life when she found me choking in the morning.

In July I moved in with another friend and took over helping my cousin get married. I did her flowers, helped her decorate, find her dress and photographed the wedding as well.

She made a beautiful bride and is happily married to the mad who originally proposed to her when they were young. A special place was held for her mother and my own mother filled in for the unity candle lighting. It was very tearful and special day for our entire family.

This is my crazy family of brothers and sisters and significant others of those who are now left on my moms side of the family. Left to right back row Al (my moms boyfriend), my mom, uncle Larry, his wife Aunt Linda, Kelly, Ben and down in front is my Aunt Cinda. I love this crew more then they will ever know and couldn't be happier that my mother found a man who treats her right, respects her, sticks up for her and obviously loves her. She deserves it after being widowed so young. Thanks "Nissal" for being such a great man and loving my mother like she deserves to be again; who ever said love only comes around once never saw these two together.

I have since lost all insurance and having trouble getting my medications to remain healthy. Luckily I have moved in with some great friends that opened their home and hearts to me. I couldn't be more humbled by their love and support while I go through this trying time, I thought I was alone but I found out that just when you are about to give up on yourself your truest friends come out of the woodwork and pick you up, brush you off and kick you back into the ring yelling "one more round Tater". God I am blessed to have these crazy friends of mine to love me and for me to love as well. Its true you don't know who your true friends are until you have nothing to give but yourself.

I know this is a lot of information to take in at once, so I will try to get back to blogging again daily about the trial and tribulations of living with lupus. Its not been easy, I am flaring and have no meds, I sleep a lot, can't get around very well and am in constant pain (its like the flu that never goes away as far as body aches), the joint pain limits my ability to do the things that I love the most...crafting; but I am working on that as well:)

Until next time, peace, love, prayers, and butterfly hugs to those of you who read me. I will continue to try to update as much as possible.

Lupus SUCKS!

2012-03-09T09:47:00.000-05:00

Anyone with Lupus knows or has been told to keep their stress level to a minimum to avoid it causing flares. We all know its darn near impossible to live stress free or to minimize stress in your life, especially for me since I last wrote. I will start from the beginning of the stress and flare that I am perpetually in.

I hear a lot of people with Lupus claim to be in remission first of all; personally I don't believe in remission in this disease it still silently is working against your body destroying organs and such without them even knowing it. I have lost now 2 lupus sisters to this disease who were in "remission". Don't let the meds working fool you!

Next, I was chided and kicked out of a lupus support group on face book because I chose to have a kidney biopsy and I was "scaring" newly diagnosed patients. Well excuse me! I thought taking charge of my life and health were important as well as being honest about the disease and the process our bodies go through! Long story short, my lupus IS in fact affecting my kidneys and I will now have to have twice yearly biopsies of my kidney's to keep an eye on the progress of the disease.

On happier notes:

My son got married to his long time fiance nearly a month ago now. It was amazing! I put a lot of work into it to pull it off in a short time but it was worth it! Here are some pictures:

I got the dresses, suit, church, hubby dj'd, made food, did the flowers and a multitude of other things for the wedding with a mind over matter attitude.

The next step was to do maternity pics of the kids before the baby came:

Then finally on the 6th of March Cambriea Marie arrived!

She weighed in at 6lbs 11oz and 20in long. She had a rough time coming into the world and needed to be resuscitated at birth:( She is home now and doing fine after one more incident of not breathing and her parents getting security called on them for breaking hospital rules when they took my sons younger brother into the room with them. It blows my mind how some hospitals disrespect the parents choices. It was just ridiculous! I made the snuggle sac and hat pictured above and am willing to share the pattern if anyone is interested.

Finally, the count down is on for my next grand daughter who is due in 3 weeks to my oldest daughter. I love the babies and can't wait! Now I am moving onto planning showers for the girls as there are still things they need and want. They both made me promise to wait until after the babies were born to throw showers so that is next on my stress out list after the birth of Sophie Lynn!

I am back now on meds that make me sick, crabby and I annoy even myself with my crabbiness! When I look over the past few months I can't believe all I have been through and the coming months for what I will be going through. I also get to see a new rheumatologist, but he is 2 hours away. Now finally I have enough proof for treatment and I am hoping to get off "the crabby" meds all together! Lucky for me its the same Dr. that my mom sees for her RA, so I am hoping for the best.

So, now I think we are all caught up on what's been happening in my life for the most part, lol.

Love and Peace to you.

Lupus Support "Cliquies"

2012-01-04T16:16:00.000-05:00

I have spoken of physical pain, the fog that confuses and frustrates, the medications that may or may not help, the procedures some of us endure just to get to the facts. So here are some facts that are rarely heard and often judged by fellow lupies (those who have lupus).

My doctor gave me a fact sheet the last time that I saw him from a medical journal not available to the public, in that report it shows that most of Lupus patients are misdiagnosed many times before finally getting the correct diagnosis. The ANA (Anti-nuclear-antibody) in this article is stated to be correct less then 80 percent of the time, often there are false positives and false negatives. There is no true way to diagnose lupus even though there is a myriad of tests that rheumatologists use to diagnose the condition.

I have had the misfortune of being in the percentage that does not have the "proper" blood work to support my diagnosis for the local rheumatologist to see me. He saw me twice, the first one was a "get to know you" and blood work. All of course came back normal because I was receiving treatment from my GP who at the time was only one of two people who believed I was actually suffering with lupus. When I saw Dr. Marius Racovan the second time he told me there was nothing wrong with me, when I questioned the statistics, he WALKED OUT on me and then followed up with nasty letters to the two Dr.'s that believe I do have Sle and ARE trying to save my life, keep me going and comfortable. I was forced to call this doctor again yesterday after my kidney biopsy shows Lupus Nephritis, his office called me back and stated that it was not consistent with SLE and that I needed to talk to my GP about the letter he sent him saying that I was confrontational and argumentative with him. EXCUSE ME? A professional kidney Dr. says it is Lupus Nephritis (actually 3 do, one from Mayo Clinic) and he REFUSES to see or TREAT ME because I proved him wrong? Yeah, great doctor he is, it sucks that he is the only one in the area as well! Now I have to go to either Mayo clinic and stay there until they are done "figuring" me out or spend multiple days traveling to see another Rheumatologist HOURS away from home.

I used to belong to an online support group on facebook. When I announced that I was asking for a kidney biopsy I came under heavy fire by another lupie. It was her opinion that I was scaring newly diagnosed lupies and that me asking for one didn't qualify me for getting one. Obviously my kidney Doctor disagreed and offered it as an option for me. I couldn't send this person a private message, so I called her out on her attitude in the supposed "support group". I was quickly dumped from the group and after a vote of the admins I was refused re-entry without an explanation. Great support group right?

Its bad enough when people without lupus don't "get me" or when a doctor rejects a person because of lack of labs, but when you are ostracized from a group of people like yourself its a deep hurt that really hurts deeper then anyone can understand. As a consolation prize I was introduced to another group; which is BY FAR better then the original one. The people in the new group are not judgmental at all and I am sure that if I told them about what had happened with the person who put me in there, they would still not exclude her or reject her as has been done to me.

Funny how some think they are better then others and their truths are the only ones that matter, even though we all live in different parts of the country and world! I am thankful for my 28 below family and as far as I am concerned Lola vs Lupus is a clique, only the cool kids get to stay, its like high school all over again and they really need to take a long hard look at what they are doing and how many members have quit participating with them because they are just not all nice people, heck Lola very rarely even participates in the group. How can you run a support group without participation and knowing what's going on? Furthermore, shouldn't administrators of support groups be able to be contacted even if they do not friend new people, maybe they should be required to friend every new person in the group so they can be contacted and get to know the person out side of the group before they make the decision to judge others so quickly and with no explanation.

Again, to my 28 below family, you are great and I am truly MUCH happier in this group then the other one, I don't do cliques well and I love the sincerity of the people in it. Thank you to everyone in 28 below for being so loving, kind, generous and helpful through my difficult times.

If yesterday is any indication of how 2012 will be, I'm going to sleep through it!

2012-01-02T10:58:00.000-05:00

Several posts ago I told a story about my husbands best friend and our fishing adventure with him. He's always so full of life, laughter, jokes and love. He is a wonderful friend and father to his children. His name is Scott, 40 years old and yesterday had a heart attack right in front of his teen age daughter. His son who is in the military was due back to his base today and was on his way when he received the call about his fathers hospitalization.

I won't lie, we didn't sleep easy last night as we worried about our friend who ended up with two blocked arteries and heart function of only 30%. They wouldn't let anyone into his room, pumped him full of morphine and wanted him to sleep a bit so they could attempt to do a second stint since he was to weak after the first one to continue.

My dear friend and honorary brother lies today in a hospital bed (40 years old) with his children, brothers, sisters, parents, friends and others by his side praying for his heart to be healed.

I know the last few posts seemed to be like me whining about my lupus, but it was more informational then whining or at least that was my personal attempt. I admit having the problems I do is scary but to have it thrown into my face that he could be me really hits home right now.

I feel like pulling a Rip Van Winkle and sleep the rest of the year away since it started out so horribly. I won't do that of course because I have 3 babies to look forward to this year and we are now only a couple of months away from the births of the first two and Scott is now stable. So maybe there is a silver lining in here somewhere, so this new year I believe will be about second chances, one more time to make things right in life and live it to the fullest!

Butterfly Brain

2012-01-01T11:20:00.000-05:00

In the world of lupus we have this neurological disorder that is called "lupus fog", I prefer to call it a butterfly brain. Lupus mean wolf and the symbol for lupus is the butterfly which are both taken from the shape of the rash across the cheeks and nose also called a malar rash.

Which ever you choose to call it the neurological portion of lupus is the same. You forget things, its like having Alzheimer's some days. You brain plays tricks on you into fleeting thoughts much like a butterfly. You can be in the middle of a conversation and it flutters of into the highest space where you can not go. There are days when its so bad that you can literally forget that you have a cake in the oven and grab that hot pan without a pot holder. Funny instances such as opening a cupboard door and expecting a light to come on is one of my personal happenings, as is the pan.

I am sure you are wondering now why I am all of a sudden focusing my blog on my disease. The answer is simple...AWARENESS! It is a genetic disorder that affects men, women, children and it doesn't discriminate against race either!

We are all fully aware of breast cancer and how to be proactive against it; however there is no way to be proactive against Lupus. Its simply an allergy to ones own body, it sees ones organs as foreign and attacks them. I sit in a room once a month with people who have lived with lupus for many years, a husband whose wife lost her battle with it quickly after not having any "flares" in over ten years, she was taken from us in a matter of weeks; we also have new lupus patients eager for information and hope. Unfortunately the only hope is to stay comfortable, taking the medications, using 100spf sun block that doesn't help and attempting to remain stress free. How does one do that? You can't. How do you give someone hope when you feel none? You paint a smile on and remind them they aren't alone, recommend ways to de-stress, encourage them to take their meds and be their own advocate with the doctors and not take the brush off that we often see.

Another part of the neurological portion of Lupus is seizures. I have been having them since I was born, with my first gran mal seizure before I was even a year old. The details of that story are fuzzy for me today but I remember my mother telling me that I curled into a tight ball and my father tried to pry me flat with his calloused hands and he couldn't. My own mother had seizures after giving birth so back then they just figured it was the same thing. Amazing what nearly 42 years of medicine can uncover. My mother having RA and at one point in time she herself was allergic to the sun; which leads me to wonder if she has RA and Lupus as well. I don't know she won't talk to me.

On this new year day I wish you all the health and happiness for the coming year. My butterfly brain is now spiraling into oblivion and I have lost my train of thought.

The Wolf Comes Calling

2011-12-31T14:22:00.000-05:00

Nearly two weeks ago I had a kidney biopsy. This was seen as an non-encouraged thing my many fellow lupus members of a certain support group I had belonged to online. They felt that asking for the biopsy with my hematuria (blood in my urine) that it was not justifiable and I was scaring newly diagnosed lupus patients. Were they wrong to underestimate my situation and wrong for kicking me out for speaking my mind about my choices? Maybe, but we all with lupus know sometimes the truth is hard to handle. IT IS scary at first and it gets scarier as you go on with things.

As I think I stated before I have only showed a low positive in my blood work before, only blood in my urine and no protein which these members felt I should have before going into this biopsy. All I can say to them is my Nephrologist ordered it, offered it and believed in what I told him.

Yesterday, I went to see my regular Dr. who I love to the bottom of my heart. He has always believed in me through all of this and tried his best to take care of me through it since nobody else would listen until the the kidney Dr. and the gastrointestinal Dr's did. We have found out now that I have cancerous polyps on my colon; which they removed completely. But now I also have kidney involvement which is normal in lupus patients. Lupus nephritis combined with cancerous polyps and neurological disorder make me only one step away from complete lupus involvement. The only thing left is my heart.

I already have a heart murmur so the Dr's are watching me closely for arrhythmia since my father and other members of my family had congestive heart failure which would be the only non lupus affected organ at this time.

I don't mind saying I cried all the way home, along with being a bit angry at the Dr's who wouldn't listen to me. Instead as my Dr said "you may have very well saved your own life"

The moral to this story is this... be your own advocate, don't settle for what doctors tell you when you know something isn't right. Find one that will listen and treat you with respect. Be your own advocate with the doctors, IT IS YOUR ONLY LIFE! You are human and so are doctors, they make mistakes too, but don't let them confuse you for someone who doesn't care about their own life. TAKE CHARGE!

Living Lupus Style

2011-12-29T13:36:00.000-05:00

I know I have not written in some time. This is partly due to some very ugly things said about my blog; which I took too personally. I shouldn't care what others negativity brings to me, I should have viewed it as constructive criticism and above all I should have considered the source of the negativity ie: people who aren't well read, undereducated and above all non-writers. I feel like I have failed myself in letting this slip past me to my ego. I refuse to let others define me or what I write any longer. So folks I am back in the saddle and I have a lot to say!

I have been living with SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematosus AKA: SLE or Lupus) for as long as I can remember. I was only diagnosed a few years ago when I went to the local walk in clinic with a headache, fever, rash, pain in my joints and a multitude of other symptoms. When they did a blood test they did a test called an ANA or Anti-nuclear-Antibody test, they also did a test for Rheumatoid Arthritis. The ANA came back with a low positive and the RA factor was negative. After MANY scans and more blood tests to eliminate the diseases that mimic lupus such as MS, RA and other auto-immune diseases; I was diagnosed by my family doctor of 30 years with SLE.

At the time I was terrified, confused and relieved to finally understand why the sun felt like it was burning me alive when I was in it, why I had this strange rash on my face and chest and why my body just felt like it was falling apart at every joint.

Since that time I have been seen by several Rheumatologists who have been unable to find the lupus in my blood work but have ruled out all the other mimics as well. A rheumatologist is a doctor that specializes in diseases of the joints, muscles and bones according to http://www.hss.edu/rheumatology-rheumatologist.asp#What_is_a_Rheumatologist I was traveling from my home in Northwestern Lower Michigan to the University of Michigan to see and hope to be treated by the rheumatology department there. They ruled out all the mimics of SLE but refused to diagnose me with it. They sent me to a dermatologist to check the rash on my face which was deemed quickly and without a scraping or sample of the rash as rosacea (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosacea) when in truth I had a butterfly rash (known as a malar rash) that resembled this picture.
I received no treatment from the U of M except the advice to stay out of the sun and from under anything emitting UVA or UVB rays (so long tanning beds).

I returned to my GP who was the only one willing to help me. He knew my family history of auto-immune diseases, mom has RA, dad was diabetic, my sister and son have cold urticaria (allergy to the cold), my sister has other allergies as well; I have several other family members with RA, allergies, fibromyalgia and other auto-immune diseases. It would not be unexpected for me to have RA but rather I am the only one with Lupus so far in my family.

In the years since the first suggestion my Lupus has begun to affect my kidney's and just over a week ago I had a kidney biopsy. I am hoping to find out the results tomorrow when I see my GP and my hope is that they do find lupus involvement in the biopsy. I know that sounds horrible to wish for but you have to understand, its not showing in my blood any more which happens in 3% of lupus patients; if they don't find it there I would have to have a spinal tap or even a bone marrow biopsy in hopes of finding the eluding lupus diagnosis that will make a rheumatologist pay attention to me and treat me.

I have been on so many medications ranging from anti-malarial drugs to steroids and chemotherapy. I was on the humira shot for a while and it worked but the rheumatologist threw a fit about it and wanted me off it. I have now been off all but my anti-seizure medications, narcotic pain pills and anti-anxiety medications since August of this year. I don't mind saying it has been hell on me.

I now can barely get out of bed on my own, the joints in my feet hurt so bad I cry when I walk. My joints become inflamed and hot to the touch. I spent 5 minutes out side in the cold yesterday and the tips of my fingers were flaming red, hot and hurt/burned, even though I am not supposed to have Raynaud's Phenomenon (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raynaud%27s_phenomenon) according to the very rude rheumatologist I have seen recently and locally. He basically told me every thing I go through is in my head and that there is nothing wrong with me. When I started to question him about the 3% of lupus patients he got mad and told me to let my GP treat me and walked out of the room.

At this point I will have to sign off for a bit as my fingers are not co-operating with my brain and the lupus fog is threatening at the door. I will go into more detail about the fog in another post. For now, Happy New Year and I hope you all have a wonderful, safe time while celebrating. 2012 I hope brings great things for everyone, including my health and my team of doctors to help me be more capable of doing the things I enjoy, like writing on my blog.

Until next time....peace, love, less pain and more spoons to you all, especially my Lupus brothers and sisters.

Time flies

2011-09-22T09:14:00.000-04:00

Its been a while once again since I have written anything besides a pattern for knitting! I know it sounds funny but things in my life have taken some odd twists and turns since I last wrote.

First my oldest daughter and I reconnected, this is very exciting news! We are closer then ever before now since she learned that those whom she surrounded herself with were fake and using her for whatever reason. She is now in a great relationship with a man that I totally love. He is wonderful to her and loves her at least as much as a mother could hop for in a man for her daughter. She is also pregnant and due on March 10th!

My second oldest son has been doing great as well. He tries so hard to keep his family together by doing whatever it takes. Sure he's made mistakes and its been a rough road for him, but when I saw him the other day I could see the pride and love in his smile and eyes. He loves his daughter and girlfriend deeply and is anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new baby on March 8.

Yes you read that right two babies two days apart! My grandfather that passed away on June 3 this year was a great practical joker. According to the due dates, one got pregnant right before he passed and the other the day after he passed, the joke is his birhtday would be March 7 and my youngest daughters birthday is the 9th!

I had a dream though that both girls were in labor together and we had a girl (with my daughter) and my daughter in law ended up having a c-section (she isn't thrilled about that).

My lupus has been messing with me over the summer due to all the stress and all the other stuff (sunshine) going on. I am not taking bi-weekly injections to ward off flares and pain. I am taking physical therapy as well since my left leg is weak and I keep falling because of it. Wow, my first appointment was a couple of days ago and again tomorrow. I volunteered yesterday at the club I belong to and today I can barely get out of bed! I thought my yoga and home exercises were enough to keep me going and strong, apparently I was completely wrong! My range of motion is great but wow, my legs hurt!

For now and until next time, may your life be filled with happiness, take time to read a good book and expand your mind beyond its current state, teach yourself something you have always wanted to learn or find someone to teach you. Feeling good about yourself isn't always an emotional state, sometimes it comes from creating and finishing something that YOU are proud of! Blessings and love coming your way:)

For my mother

2011-02-09T20:09:00.000-05:00

She didn't drink or break my bones. She just sold me to the highest bidder at the age of 3 for him to abuse, use and hurt. She didn't care. She still doesn't. Who's unforgivable Dear Mother? My daddy is gone and so are my Grandma's who listened and tried to protect me against your will. What did you do? You threw me away!

Guess what mother dear, I don't need you; I didn't then and I don't now. Live your miserable life, live with your lies, live with the guilt and know that I am telling the world that you let a man sexually abuse me, use me and did NOTHING to stop it.

Do I care? Not really. I forgave him, he was sick and now dead. Keep up with the man who hurt me as an adult, the man who molested your granddaughters, who beat your grandchildren, the man you called the perfect son in law. You can have him, you will get what's coming to you and all I can do is cry, because you have no emotions, no guilt, no regret. How do you look yourself in the mirror mother dear?

I did my best for my kids and all you ever did was cut me down, belittle and treat me like I was nothing. Here's a newsflash mom, I am who I am today in SPITE of you. My children are great people and I DID THAT, nobody else!

Live with that you money grubbing piece of trash!

Ugly Monday's

2011-01-10T12:45:00.000-05:00

Since my last trip to the doctor reveal to much swelling in my joints that were "hot" to the touch and my obvious maximum reached on the steroids my doctor opted to try Methotrexate to keep my Lupus flares under control. It has been only a few short weeks since that visit. In case you don't know what that is, in short its a form of Chemotherapy that reduces the immune system to nothing in an attempt to thwart the flares. It has been working so far to ease the pain to a level that the pain medications actually work. This is a great thing in my world, even with the "day after" sickness, well actually its a couple of days of nausea and sickness that I will happily take just to keep this pain at bay.

My lupus flares have been determined to come on with stress. I try to keep my stress levels to a minimum with meditation, good sleep, me time and eliminating negative people from my life. So far this regimen seems to work for the most part. I have a great support system as well, friends and family have really stepped up lately to fill in the gaps of those that have been removed from my life and I couldn't be more thankful for the time, energy and help they have so graciously bestowed on me and my family. Without their help over the past few months I would have been very alone and possibly hospitalized due to this horrible disease. I have recently discovered that along with stress now apparently giddiness is causing it to flare as well! So I have to contain my excitement for the next few months and try to remain level I guess.

Managing stress is a lot easier then to control happiness. Who would have ever thought that I would be trying to maintain my happiness and stress to a level of almost unemotional detachment to all things in life? It simply seems wrong to not be able to express emotions and I fear that bottling things inside and trying to manage them will be my ultimate undoing unfortunately.

I am so close to this life finally getting into order after such a period of negativity is ending, it is a great relief to know that things and my children will be alright. It leaves me to wondering when in my life I did something so right to have these blessings and people in my life now; I won't look a gift horse in the mouth however, I will take every single ounce of it in with a gratitude in my heart that is simply unfathomable.

I never ever thought that I would be happy to not have certain family members in my life, I tried so hard over the years to gain acceptance, understanding and respect that never came. Now, I don't care what they think, do or say and I am so much healthier, happier and more content in my life.

I hope I can continue on this path for a while, I do understand that it's by no means permanent but I will take this time to be just be and be happy in it. For now I will take the ugly Monday sickness to gain some relief from the torture and disabling effects from this horrible disease.

Its a new year

2011-01-02T12:19:00.000-05:00

Well my holidays went very well in spite of being sick and hardly able to move, they did go well. The kids got nearly everything they asked for and then some (naturally); well it's at least in contrast to last Christmas when money was really tight.

The highlights of my year...boy that's a tough one...I planned and photographed my first wedding, from top to bottom; EVERYTHING! I really enjoy doing it and have really considered doing it as a job but I can't stand those pushy wedding planners that take control of the bride's day, so I think I will just stick to helping those I actually know and do it their way and make their days completely what they want.

After the wedding I got a great nephew, he is sincerely the sweetest baby (next to those that call me grammy anyway), he is adorable and his smile lights up the day!

My husband got a great job this year after being laid off/terminated when the company he had worked for filed bankruptcy two years ago. This is probably the best of the best actually, he is happy again and not nearly as uptight as he has been over this time. He likes and needs to be productive along with appreciated and he really is in this new job. I am really happy for him.

My youngest biological daughter has changed so much this year she is almost unrecognizable to anyone who knew how she was a year ago. She hasn't seen her abusive father so that means no more melt downs! She has become quite a nice, kind and sweet young lady after some of the crap around her and aimed at her as ended.

Finally, I think the fact that every single day I get closer and closer to some of my other dreams coming true, I will fill you in on those as they happen but we are closer to them now then ever before.

I started some new meds for the new year as well and even though the repercussions of it are....well to put it nicely, annoying. The important part is they work for now and I am starting to feel a bit better, that's really all that counts.

Here is to a new year full of hope and promise, laughter and love, dreams and dreams come true.

It was always cool....well at leat to me

2010-12-22T00:00:00.001-05:00

Growing up in Northern Michigan's small town of Acme I can remember seeing that name on the Roadrunner show, typically it was shown on a box of something the coyote was going to use to blow up the roadrunner with. I remember asking my mom if it was really shipped from where we lived and she said "no, it just means its the best." That simple thought has always followed me throughout the years. I lived in the best town.

Later on in my life I realized that Acme really was only a very tiny community and part of a larger town, sort of like a suburb but not in the exact sense of the word back then. Maybe now its more like that with all of the new people moving up here from downstate. As I became older and ventured into the world on my own I learned a new theme that I like to call "are you related?". With the last name Lautner in this area it used to be really hard to go anywhere and be introduced with my last name without hearing "are you related to (insert random name)?" It used to drive me crazy explaining that while I was sure we were related, I wasn't entirely sure who said person was.

This brings me to today, I am sure most of you know who Taylor Lautner is and frankly while I think he is a great actor I am really tired of saying "Yes that is my REAL last name. Yes, we are probably related. No, I don't know him personally." Seriously? I am over twice his age, why on earth would I change my last name to that of a child star to gain attention? I like him am proud of that last name, I grew up with the stories of the old country (Germany) and how I am only a third generation born American. I do know he is related by the original travelers that came here from Germany. I have talked with his uncle when he was still only just a baby! Yes, since his fame the family tries to keep him grounded and remembering his roots, they have done a great job of that and I applaud them.

My point to this is that I grew up in the same lineage as this "star", there are a lot of us with the Lautner surname, no it isn't that common and most likely we are related to all of them, unlike the last name Smith or Jones. For the record I have always been honored to carry the Lautner last name, its always been cool to me:)

Christmas Crafting

2010-12-14T09:59:00.000-05:00

My mother in law came over a few days ago and brought me some treasures from years gone by. I got to keep some of said treasures

and some were for me to simply see and get ideas for my Christmas crafting.

The above angels are some examples of the beginnings of these projects. They are made from bow tie pasta, wooden beads and then painted. They aren't quite complete yet as they still need to be sealed with lacquer and embellishments added with a hanging ribbon still needed but you can get a general idea.

Yesterday the girls had a snow day (today too) after we had drifts of snow crossing all roads that run East and west, said drifts were up to 3 feet deep and the plows couldn't keep up with them due to the wind blowing out of the North at 45mph. So the girls and I set out to make cookies and craft.

Our dog helped! lol

Snow Day

2010-12-13T10:30:00.000-05:00

Over the past few days Michigan has been under severe weather warnings for snow. In the course of just a few hours we had approximately 15" of snow fall upon our little town. This coupled with the wind which was reaching 45mph caused some pretty severe "white outs", drifting and overall sense of wonder at the power of mother nature.

We received the call from the school around 4 o'clock on Sunday afternoon for the following day via the "alert now" system the school has in place. The kids were so excited and frankly I was a bit relieved that they canceled so early! They were the first of all the local schools to call it off for Monday.

I always enjoyed snow days when I was a child and I have some fond memories of the winter of 78-79 when we received so much snow that we snowmobiled from our house in the woods to my grandparents house on a highway so my parents could get to work.

Dad used a snow-blower back then to clear the driveway. He looked like a snowman when he was done he was so covered with snow! That particular winter however, my mother had to walk the top of the snow banks and knock the snow down to him so he could clear it!

We haven't had a snow like that since, until now. It is dangerously close to what I remember from then. My kids aren't nearly as excited about it as I was back then, but then again I was still very young and we didn't have all the channels, video games and technology to keep us from boredom, we had each other (my sister and I), board games, imagination, and for the most part a love of finding adventure in the white world we lived in.

Last kid standing

2010-12-12T00:00:00.001-05:00

My freind was venting to me the other day about rising costs of tuition and the cost of "extras" for said schooling. I was a bit surprised that not only does she pay for pre-school but more that she has to pay for every single little thing the school deems as an extra program!

When my kids were little I was lucky enough to not have to pay for pre-school, my parents paid for the older ones and the pre-school my mother chose for my kids that was attached to a program for older (high school students) kid teachers. My younger daughter went to a public funded program; meaning it was free in the form of monetary support to parents but we had to volunteer so much time per semester with the bus ride and in the classroom.

My freind is a single parent very much like I was when my children were to young to really remember, she struggles just for the basic necessities just like I did while I worked weird hours and often two jobs just to support myself and the kids. So when she was asked the other day to pay "extra" for silly things like a pancake breakfast she really needed to vent.

In my opinion when the schools offer these programs during normal school hours it should be included in the tuition. I may be wrong in my line of thinking here but to me it really feels like these kids that sit in the classroom while the others do whatever activity is being offered really feel left out.

I don't think that I ever outgrew those feelings of not wanting to be the last person picked for a class game or when we chose sides for gym class. I never was the last person picked but I saw those kids faces that were and even then I knew it was painful. I also saw the kids that remained in the room for whatever reason when the rest of us went out to do whatever. Those faces stayed with me and still do.

I have always made the effort to not let this sort of thing happen around me as I became an adult. I have had kids come over for free to learn a craft, bake, cook, really whatever they want to learn, I am willing to teach if I know how to do it.

What is wrong with these adults teaching the programs?

Did they forget what its like to be a child left out?

Has that signed degree somehow make them worthy of being paid top dollar for teaching a 5 year old to dance?

I know it sounds ridiculous, but its exactly how I see it .... ridiculous! Isn't it bad enough that teachers earn less money a year then a postal carrier or even a gas station attendant? I am not trying to bash those jobs but when you are enriching a childs life I just think it takes so much more work, compassion, understanding, care, time, patience and well .... work to reach these kids.

Every family has one

2010-12-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

Well at least that's what I am told about the narcissistic dregs that we all know and love to hate.

The other day shortly after I wrote about my Grandmother my Aunt called me out of the blue just to tell me she loved me. I have some pretty well timed calls from most of my wonderful Aunts that always seem to put things back into perspective for me on days when I just fell like folding up shop and heading to no-where-ville.

It seems these ladies always know when I just need that little bit of motivation to keep my head high and moving forward. This particular Aunt always reminds me how proud she is of me and even though I may not have done things the way others would, I am not wrong for what I feel or believe. She always reminds me that I should not hold anything back in regards to my feelings toward certain family members because they are simply not good people.

She always reminds me of the story of a co-worker asking her if she had a "not so nice person" (another expletive is used here) in her family and her reply is "yep, sure do!" then she proceeds to tell me who it is. I always laugh about it but I know she speaks the unabated truth as she sees it.

This same woman gives so much love to me, uplifts me and always renders me humble with her kindness towards me. She is so proud of who I am and that she got to be a part of my life, she treats me like her own child and always has.

Looking back over my life I was really blessed that my mother took so little interest in me and neglected me the way she did. In that negativity I found peace, hope, love, compassion and a family that I can be thankful for and even those who use others, take things for granted, demand to be first for everything and condemn everyone...I feel sorry for them today. They really don't know what it's like to be loved like this...no strings.

They say only an Aunt can love like a mother, listen like a sister and stand by you like a friend. In this case truer words were never written, my Aunts are simply amazing women who never let me get away with anything, told me I was wrong when I was and loved me all the while. If you happen to be one of these Aunts know you are loved more then words could ever express and I hope you know this niece thinks of you all as more mothers then my own mother ever dreamed of being to me.

For the Aunt who is nothing like those I speak of today you are the mean, spiteful, using and vindictive person that my Aunt spoke of...you know who you are and apparently my family does have one.

These Genes

2010-12-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

I wrote some time ago regarding my diagnosis of Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. I think I even explained that it is a disease of the immune system that causes my healthy tissue to be attacked and seen as a foreign or otherwise infected tissue that must be killed off.

It pretty much stinks that I have endured the pain for going on 8 years now and only got my diagnosis 2 short years ago when I went to a walk in clinic with symptoms, pain and a rash. I truly had no clue what was wrong with me but I suspected when I discovered the rash on my cheeks and chest.

Many years ago my Doctors wife, Jackie, who was a PA suggested it as my problem and was told to research it. At that time I really didn't have all the symptoms and thought my issues were closer to that of Rheumatoid arthritis, which runs in my family that now includes my own mother who was diagnosed only a couple of months before me.

My father was diabetic as well. I never knew that was an autoimmune disorder as well. So imagine my surprise when I was informed that all of my problems were due to the genes my parents had passed along to me unbeknown to them.

I don't bear hard feelings for them, they simply did not know when they accidentally conceived my sister and I. I say accidentally because our mother always told us that we were the products of a missed pill and knew exactly when we were conceived and that it was certainly not on purpose. This information never really bothered me, things happen and she did have choices, she chose us in the end and that was all that ever really mattered to me.

My SLE has had me in its grasp for nearly a year now with little reprieve from the pain. My doctor has tried every combination of medication that is known to aid in the suppression of the disease to no avail. I take so many pills to keep myself functioning but I am noticing now that they are even beginning to fail me.

I can't seem to get on top of the pain lately and its causing many issues within my life. Depression is at the top of the list. I cry more now then I ever have in my entire life. I was always able to put myself and my emotions to the side and focus on being a mother to my children the best I could and to be a wife my husband could be proud of, lately I am ashamed and embarrassed by my illness thanks to some who would like me to think that I am faking or not really sick; I don't look sick after all.

The worst part for me is the hair loss that comes with this disease. It falls out in hand fulls! The second worst is the inability to walk most recently. I have been struggling with this now for nearly two months. Its hard to explain to others that while I may look well, my knees and hips hurt so badly that even to walk short distances just about brings me to tears.

I am embarrassed from the rash that makeup won't cover and the oral situation of the sores and enamel softening of my teeth. I can't stop it, I am not sure entirely if the medications are doing that to me or if its part of the disease process, there are plenty of ideas that support both lines of thinking.

The major component to causing my "flares" is stress. I can't control what others due to cause me stress, I do try to control my reactions to find that often it simply doesn't work. If I let it get to far out of hand I have seizures, of course the medication for that seems to be working and I have been seizure free for a few months now thankfully.

My family is often affected by my illness to the point of worry, hurt, concern, confusion and often they feel like I just let them down when I don't feel well. I can't blame them really, I feel the guilt of letting them down as well which compounds the stress. Its a vicious cycle.

Lately the "fog" has been heavy and the result of that is devastating. I used to remember EVERYTHING, now I am lucky to remember what I went to the kitchen for! I can't hardly hold a thought for more then 30 seconds and then its simply gone forever if I don't write it down, even then I sometimes can't even remember writing the note to myself!

Coming into this holiday season, the season of the flu, norovirus, etc. I ask that you remember that not everyone that looks healthy is, if you are sick please stay away from public places like the grocery store where you are likely to run into someone with a suppressed immune system and would be subject to catching whatever you are exposing them to and that it could result in a hospital stay for that person you infected, you are taking their life into your hands.

Right now a Lupus sister lies in an intensive care unit with complications from such a thing. I know the person who carried it to her has no idea what they did but now she is fighting for her life. Wash your hands, stay home if you are sick and please for the sake of those who have no other choices but to expose themselves to you, please think before you act when you are ill or have been exposed to illness and for goodness sake get a flu shot, since those of us that can't depend on you to not spread it around.

Christmas Traditions

2010-12-09T09:34:00.000-05:00

After writing about my "Mary Christmas" the other day and hit the "publish post" button my dad's sister called almost instantaneously. It was funny really, I was still choking back the tears of memory when her name popped up on my phone and made me smile. I really love that woman and she always knows when to call me, she must have me lojacked or something; none the less, I love talking to her.

My dad had two sisters and a brother growing up. When he and his mother (Mary Christmas) passed away in May 7 long years ago I became lost. I didn't know where to turn. I felt orphaned to say the least. Then just a couple of short months later his brother died as well. It pushed me over the top and I couldn't bear to be without those who always loved and supported me unconditionally. What I didn't see at that time was the love that had always been there by "the Aunts" as they are now called by my cousins; for me they are more then Aunts, they are phenomenal women who have tested time, raised wonderful kids whom I call cousins but are really more like siblings to me.

Its a weird position to be in for me. I am the oldest child, the oldest grandchild, oldest niece and for them I was special. I still can't figure out what the heck was so special about me to my 5 Aunts that helped raise me and my two grandmothers who always stood for me when I made mistakes without judgment. When Grandma died or rather when the decision had to be made to let her go, they all seemed to look at me for the answer even though they had all known that we should let her go, they still included me in the decision. As a matter of fact my next oldest cousin DEMANDED that I come immediately and tell Grandma to let go, because "you are the only one she will listen to". I did as was requested with a broken heart, I never wanted to let her go, but I knew that she didn't' want to see her sons die either because she had told me so quite pointedly.

Maybe some can never understand the connection I had to my Grandmother's, Aunts and Uncles but to be honest, they were more like extra parents growing up and my cousins were just extended siblings to me. We were all very close.

It wasn't about what my Aunt Gayle wanted from me when she called, she just simply called to say "I love you, I am proud of you, and I couldn't ask for a better niece ever." Considering that my own mother has deemed me unforgivable, this just broke me. How can so many women love and respect me and yet my own mother doesn't know me at all?

I had been meaning to call her myself for a very silly reason but she works a weird shift and I didn't want to bother her sleep pattern or work for that matter, but in this call I got what I had been desperately seeking....an old recipe that I remember fondly from Christmas's past. Its a simply cookie recipe but one that once i make them will bring forward all those past Christmas's and make things right in my little world for just a little while.

I am off to sew my projects for christmas, quilts, rag dolls, bears, pajamas and other little soft creatures for the kids, grand-kids. nieces, nephews and great nephew. There are of course other projects in play too but I just don't know when the Christmas craft day will happen with the family and friends, that's always a good time! I will be sure to post some pictures of the fun stuff going on and in the tradition of homemade Christmas presents.

Mary Christmas

2010-12-07T10:58:00.000-05:00

Yes a play on words but one of major significance to me and my life. It represents a real woman, a real life, a real love of family, the holiday and life in general. She was my Grandmother.

Growing up I never understood those who didn't gather with family on the holiday's, especially Christmas. From my very first breath in this world until today Christmas has held a very special place in my heart, not just because of presents, they never really mattered and were never really the main component to the holiday thanks to Grandma.

My Grandmother by anyone's standards could be considered amazing. She did everything! She raised children, worked outside the home, took care of us Grandchildren while our parents worked, cooked, cleaned, went to church, crafted, grew food, canned...I honestly don't think there was a thing she couldn't do.

When it came to holidays Grandma excelled. She was an amazing hostess for any type of party but when it came to Christmas she would just shine.

Christmas Eve was always dedicated to my Grandparents house with family and those friends deemed family by the nature of my Grandparents willingness to open their home and lives to those who had nobody else. It could be that it was how they were raised in farming communities where neighbors were few and far between and interdependence was essential to survival. For whatever reason they were the most important days of my life.

On Christmas eve's my fathers family would gather at his parents house, my cousins and I would run around playing while the adults would play cards and talk. It often would get loud in that tiny house with all of us there, but you couldn't mistake the love and pride in Grandma's eyes watching us kids grow up.

Grandma gave so much of herself that she often left little for herself and she rarely complained. When she got sick nearly 8 years ago now we all had a difficult time adjusting to her being "down and out". She was always so vital that seeing her infirm shook me to my core and I really didn't know how or what to make of it.

My Grandmother only ever asked one thing of me after all her years of giving to me and making me feel especially loved. She asked that I name my oldest daughter after her, I did without a question. I even gave her name the spelling that Grandma requested. It for me was more then just a gesture to my beloved Grandmother, she was a symbol of hope, of a life lived and loved deeply.

As my daughter entered school the other children of course made jokes and teased her around the holiday and thus nicknamed her "Mari Christmas", she hated it; but somewhere deep inside me I smiled.

Grandma has now been gone 7 long years, Christmas is coming once again and I find myself not wanting to celebrate, not wanting to put up my tree or any lights. It's just not the same any more. Long gone are the days of the homemade flannel nightgowns, the food, the music, Grandma's Christmas sweaters and jewelry that would adorn her starting the day after Thanksgiving, gone are the days of childhood laughter and so are the the days of my Mary Christmas.

Harmless flirting

2010-12-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

My friend and cohort, Momma D brought up a good point on another blog in the comments. She mentioned harmless flirting as being okay and healthy. She cited that it could be an esteem builder and a good thing.

I agree for the most part that it can be healthy and esteem building for the recipient, but what about the partner that has been seemingly forgotten? What if the complimenting person doesn't say nice things to the person in their bed? Wouldn't it stand to reason that it would be equally damaging?

I think there is definitely a line between flirting and outright disrespect of a partner. The only example I can think of would be a partner telling someone they look nice or even flirting with the best friend in most instances would be ok as long as it didn't cross the line. Crossing the line in my opinion would be as I stated earlier, forgetting your partner exists or as happened in my world with Shawn the constant looking over my shoulder at other women and telling me how great they were.

Seriously, if your with someone that look like me, short and "figured", with a tomboyish look of course its going to bother you if the man your with is checking out the tall blond toothpick dressed like shes ready to walk the runway! Come on!

I don't exactly think looking is the problem. I think the problem lies more within the relationship itself. If you aren't secure in it, yes it will bother you. If you don't get the compliments, yest it will bother you. If you have a low self esteem, its definitely going to bother you. If your p-m-s'ing, look out shits gonna hit the fan! lol

I'm not trying to say that there isn't room in peoples lives to give a little ego boost to others, however, your relationship at home should be where you start with that in my opinion.

As for admiring other gardens, go for it. Most gardeners are truly happy to give you a tour, explain what they do to keep the garden flourishing and even allow you a sniff or two (ok that sounds gross, lol), I think you get the point. Hell even some will give you starts to grow your own beautiful garden, but transplanting typically can bring disease too and you should use extreme caution doing it!

Ok, back to the point......

Harmless flirting. Is it truly harmless?

Cultural Autobiography

2010-12-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

The following is a paper I wrote for my Bachelors degree in Health Care Administration. It was for a required course that was then called "Diversity in Society"; it was designed to eliminate barriers and help to broaden the thought process towards others.

In light of recent events I think it is only fitting that I begin here with welcoming everyone in the world to my little world that I grew up in, the good, the bad and the ugly. This happens to be my take on my family growing up.

A: Family structure and Relationships

    I was very fortunate to have three Great-Grandmothers and one Great-Grandfather in my life as a child; they all took special interest in the “babies”. It seems looking back now the roles that the women played in our family were not clearly defined.

      I never gave much thought to the eldest generations until my Grandmother passed away two years ago. At her funeral, my Great-Aunt (who doubles as my Godmother) said, “I guess the family “matriarch” position falls in my lap now. She was right; our glue had dissolved in the rush of one final breath. The younger adult women (my mother and aunts) followed Grandma’s rules; she ran the family.
Great-Grandma Buck (my mothers Grandmother) lived into my teen years and even though she suffered from senility and frailty of body, she was still a very strong woman. I remember her saying “he better not be bringin’ any more babies home from the railroad with him for me to take care of!” She of course was referring to Great-Grandpa and his time that he worked building the rails. She would always chuckle, shake her head and then she would look out the window for hours as if she was waiting to see him coming down the road at any moment. He had died several years prior to this time.

     Men were the workers. They planted fields, slaughtered hogs, chickens and hunted. They worked on and off the farm as well; they provided the food on our tables. If you have never seen the sight of four to six grown men “scalding a hog”, consider yourself fortunate. Men in my family are not large of stature, my father was only five feet, six inches tall, but to watch them wrestle a hog that was easily a thousand pounds was an amazing sight to behold. Arms bulging, veins popping out on their necks, sweat soaked shirts and the yelling; there wasn’t anyone who was exempt from being screamed at on that table. They didn’t have a “pecking order” as Grandma called it.

B. Ancestry and nationality

     My Grandpa’s family on my dad’s side is German; they came to America in the late 1800’s from Austria. As the story’s told, it was my Grandpa’s Great-Grandfather with his fourteen sons in tow came over. When they arrived, they settled in Indiana; with my Grandpa’s Grandfather ordering a mail order bride after they settled into what is now Leelanau County in northern Michigan.

Grandmas’ family I am guessing to be German as well, although I have no clarification to that. I have heard only stories about the man they affectionately call “Pa”; how large his hands were and the large presence he had and how hard working Great-Grandma was; she took in work to buy the extra things she wanted. They were farmers in Benzie County and reared members of the police force, clergy and a member of management in the “Michigan Bell Pioneers”.

On my mothers’ side, we know that Great Grandma’s parents came through Canada in the early 1800’s and then settled in Williamsburg, Michigan where the farmhouse still stands. Great-Grandpa’s family is of German origin and they were potato farmers in Indiana prior to settling in Grand Traverse County. To further the confusion, we believe my mothers’ father was adopted out of France; however, we are unable to find any report of him or the adoption due to the loss of public records.

     My family speaks English; however, my Great-Great Grandmother spoke only German. I do still have relatives in Germany who speak German as their first language, but when they speak to me, they speak English.

C: Rituals of daily living and special occasions

    Our family celebrates everything! While Christian holiday’s (Christmas and Easter) and Thanksgiving are the big events of the year. Birthday’s, births, deaths, weddings and any other reason to get the family together are cause for celebration.

    In 2003, we lost my Grandmother, my father, and my fathers’ only brother in a very short time for different reasons. When Grandma lay dying in her hospital bed the true spirit of my family was evident. Present at her bedside were her husband, sister, children, grandchildren and even a great grand child; all of us touching her and giving her that final “party” that she loved so much. When she passed I left the room to tell the remaining family that couldn’t fit in the room I saw her nurse (male) in tears at his desk and he said to me “Everyone should be loved that way and die that way.”

    Holidays always boasted more family than you could fit comfortably into a home. It also included any neighbor or stranger that happened to be alone. It was an unspoken message that nobody should ever be alone on a special day, especially when our family could always find room for one more and during the holiday’s there is no such person as a stranger.

D: Physical Surroundings

    I grew up on a dirt road in a ranch style home on a slab of concrete, built by my father and Grandfather on land once owned by my mothers’ family. Our town was small and close knit, everyone knew everyone else and most of them were related to me in some way.

    Our home was nestled in the woods far off the beaten path and created a sense of security for me. I felt unreachable and distant from the world around me. Nothing could touch me when I was walking through the trees, listening to the birds, the dry leaves crunching under my feet or sitting by the creek reading on a sunny summer afternoon. I think growing up here gave me a sense of self, respect for nature and all her wonders, independence, fostered creativity and imagination.

    My family is big on handing down items to the next generation. I myself own a small dresser made by my Great-Grandpa, a dresser once owned by my Great-Grandma, a sweater worn by my Great-Grandma and my favorite heirlooms are my children. My oldest child carries the first name of my mothers’ father, the middle name of my father and the last name of my fathers’ family (there were no boys born to the males to carry on the name). My second son carries his fathers’ family names, with my mother choosing his first name. My oldest daughter carries her Great-Grandmas first name (spelled per Grandmas request) and my youngest carries my Great-Great Grandma’s maiden name as her first name, her Grandma’s first name as her middle name and my fathers’ last name.

E: Social Relationships

    Several people outside of my family have influenced who I have become. First of all Bob, a friend of my fathers who always told me like it really was and I refer to his words often in my dealings with life. I remember a very important conversation he and I had one day in the yard at my parents’ house; I was struggling in school with my peers and my father had expressed concern to him. He said to me “Kristy, you are a beautiful young girl, you are smart and you can overcome anything if you really try. Don’t let other peoples opinions of you determine who you are. As long as you do the best you can do what right does anyone have to take that away?”

    The other primary people were Pastor Joe and his wife Evelyn. They came to our church when I was a young teen and started a youth group. It was with them that I truly found myself as a loving, kind, compassionate and open person. They led by example of forgiveness, spoke of pure love and exuded kindness. They took us to nursing homes for visits, created programs for the special needs children and opened my mind and my heart to the truest form of love and acceptance.

     They welcomed into our church a man that had been in prison without judging him and quickly added him to our youth program as a leader. He was not singled out or treated any different from anyone else in the church, he simply was one of us from the beginning; he became a member and deacon of our church rapidly. Today I am proud to say this man is still a friend to me.

F: Religion

    Faith and religion in my family are not something that you can easily get away from. My Grandfathers’ family for the most part is Catholic, my mothers Lutheran and the rest Non-denominational Christian. The Bible standardized any questions or rules for my upbringing. For instance, when I asked why there were different colors of people I was told “God made them that way so they could survive better where they lived.” After this I was given an example using the African’s “Their skin is dark because they have more pigment in it. They are from a warmer climate with a lot of moisture in the air so their noses are a little wider making it easier to breathe and their hair is curly so it doesn’t hang in their faces when they work with all the humidity.”

    My father had been baptized Catholic, but his teachings and way of life leaned more toward the Native American belief structure. He believed that everything we need is provided by nature and that nature should be respected in that you never take more then you will use and waste nothing. Enforcing this way of thinking was when my Uncle built a teepee. Sewn from canvas and using cedar logs my cousin and I spent many a summer day inside. As adults we have resurrected the teepee and use it often for tarot readings, and other special “ceremonies”, such as at my Uncles memorial. We call it “having a teepee”. A ceremonial fire and other items of the Native American cultures, crystals, “smudge” sticks and meditation are sometimes included in our “ceremonies”. Some call it “New Age”, all it really is, is an all encompassing version of all elements in life, science (bodies, energy, and energy sources), religion (prayer, mediation), faith (spirits, spirit world) and love (unconditional, boundless).

    After reading our text I discovered that most of my belief structures come from the Hindu faith and follow on that path. I believe that everything is intertwined and there is no true religion, just us, the spirit world (God) and faith that something beyond this plane exists for everyone.

G: Education

    The approach to education in my family was a topic of great discussion, not many men in my immediate family received high school diplomas and I will be the first to graduate from college. I myself held back a lot in high school, dropping out in the tenth grade and returning after many years to further my education. I felt stifled in the class room, I was a petite, attractive young woman and nobody bothered to notice how smart I was and only years later did I find out myself when I receive an award for the highest GED score.

    My father was known for saying “work smarter, not harder”. My mother went to college and even though she did not receive a degree, she worked all the way through it. She works in education herself now and has received the esteemed “Educator of the year award”, which she of course minimized as being “no big deal”.

    My dad’s friend Bob, that I mentioned earlier, was a big influence as well. A conversation I had with him when I was a teen echoes through my life still, he said “Without an education you could end up doing work you hate, that is hard and that nobody respects. Next time you go out to eat, you look at how tired and worn out your waitress is and ask yourself ‘is that what I want for my life?’” I do ask myself this regularly and often, however, he didn’t know that it would have another impact on me as well. As a result I am a good tipper, I always say thank you and I always look my waitress or waiter in the eye giving them the respect they deserve for the hard work they do.

H: Gender, race, age, social class and sexual orientation

    Early on it was established for me that gender doesn’t matter in my family. Everyone had their own part and carried their own share of the load. While I wasn’t able to muscle the hog to butcher it, I did my part by helping to package it and put it away.

    Race was never an issue of concern or to be treated negatively. Maybe that came from my Grandmas first husband being a Native American who died in WWI. Quite possibly it was just as our text stated “Germans were a more accepting group” (Parrillo, 2003), of course I can’t make a judgment since I wasn’t there.

    Growing up I was always aware of the age factor. There was always someone older telling me what to do and always someone younger that I told what to do. Everyone had a specific role; I guess the saying “crap rolls down hill” takes its form here. Anything that the Grandparents said overrode the parents, parents overrode the kids and kids were to do as they were told without questioning, there was a definite sense of order to the chain of command (Grandma was the boss).

    I had the best of both worlds as far as social class is concerned. I was the daughter of a hard working lower to middle class family with Godparents that had no children in the upper class. I was afforded the unique opportunity to participate in the upper class functions as well the functions considered to below that standard. In this respect I feel I have had the most enlightenment, I do not feel like I fit in any class in particular. I can interact with the President of a major company as well as the hermit who uses an outhouse and never feel that they are above nor beneath me.

    Nobody really talks about sexual orientation in my family. I have members of my family that are gay or lesbian but my family has never made it a definition for who they are. I have many friends that live different lifestyles from me and I have never seen it as being anymore “alien” to me then I am to them.

While our religious training traditionally calls for non-acceptance of this, my family has chosen to live by the scripture “judge not, lest ye be judged” (Holy Bible; King James Version) or the saying “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”. I heard these almost daily growing up.

I: Other Influences

    There are times when I am ashamed of my strong German heritage, not because of anyone locally or my family, but because of the actions of Hitler (I would really rather not be grammatically correct here and use all lower case for his name). I am ashamed that someone who shares my culture could be so cruel and hateful to anyone; especially the innocents that he hurt.

    I found myself at work one day in the home of a blind Polish immigrant woman who needed care. She was very adamant that she did not need assistance and said, “I don’t vant a voman in my house!” I was very concerned that she would notice that I carry a very German last name and become upset, thus causing problems that I did not want for her health. She finally asked the question I dreaded “Vhat is your name?” I told her reluctantly and was surprised when she smiled and said, “Good German name, she can stay!” then she proceeded to push her daughter in law to leave.

    My culture exists solely as an American consisting of many cultures, ideals and traditions. If you are human, you are my race, if you bleed, you are of my own blood and when we die, we all return to dust. Whether you believe in creation or evolution, all of us are extensions of the very first and in essence and are all part of one giant family tree.

J: Insights

    I feel that this session has reinforced the teachings I learned growing up. My personal family culture has been continuously re-created from accepting and adopting other cultures into our own.

    I do follow the teachings of my family and try to pass them along to my children. I feel it is important for everyone to feel a sense of self and belonging where ever they may find themselves. I believe every person has something special to contribute to the whole and will if we just make a little more room at the table.

    I realize now that my culture is not the “normal” standard and I actually cried about some of the things I have read. It is hard for me to understand such harshness growing up in a world so full of love and acceptance.

    I have learned that I am not tolerant of ignorant people, I do possess a bias against those who act out of hate and I will not ever understand it nor do I want to.

    Three personal stands I am committed to taking are:
Being more accepting
Becoming more loving
3.   Being more understanding
    Three personal actions I am willing to take are:
Spend more time learning about others
Teach my children the ways of acceptance, not hate.
Speak up for those who will not or cannot.

Reference:
Parrillo, V.N., (2003). Strangers to these shores: Race and ethnic relations in the United States (7th ed.). Boston: Allyn and Bacon.
    Holy Bible, King James Version. Matthew 7:1.

Cultural Autobiography
Kristy Lautner
INTD 201 Diversity in Society
Sp1-05
Lynette Younggren, MMA

A: Family structure and Relationships
    I was very fortunate to have three Great-Grandmothers and one Great-Grandfather in my life as a child; they all took special interest in the “babies”. It seems looking back now the roles that the women played in our family were not clearly defined.
I never gave much thought to the eldest generations until my Grandmother passed away two years ago. At her funeral, my Great-Aunt (who doubles as my Godmother) said, “I guess the family “matriarch” position falls in my lap now. She was right; our glue had dissolved in the rush of one final breath. The younger adult women (my mother and aunts) followed Grandma’s rules; she ran the family.
Great-Grandma Buck (my mothers Grandmother) lived into my teen years and even though she suffered from senility and frailty of body, she was still a very strong woman. I remember her saying “he better not be bringin’ any more babies home from the railroad with him for me to take care of!” She of course was referring to Great-Grandpa and his time that he worked building the rails. She would always chuckle, shake her head and then she would look out the window for hours as if she was waiting to see him coming down the road at any moment. He had died several years prior to this time.
Men were the workers. They planted fields, slaughtered hogs, chickens and hunted. They worked on and off the farm as well; they provided the food on our tables. If you have never seen the sight of four to six grown men “scalding a hog”, consider yourself fortunate. Men in my family are not large of stature, my father was only five feet, six inches tall, but to watch them wrestle a hog that was easily a thousand pounds was an amazing sight to behold. Arms bulging, veins popping out on their necks, sweat soaked shirts and the yelling; there wasn’t anyone who was exempt from being screamed at on that table. They didn’t have a “pecking order” as Grandma called it.
B. Ancestry and nationality
My Grandpa’s family on my dad’s side is German; they came to America in the late 1800’s from Austria. As the story’s told, it was my Grandpa’s Great-Grandfather with his fourteen sons in tow came over. When they arrived, they settled in Indiana; with my Grandpa’s Grandfather ordering a mail order bride after they settled into what is now Leelanau County in northern Michigan.
Grandmas’ family I am guessing to be German as well, although I have no clarification to that. I have heard only stories about the man they affectionately call “Pa”; how large his hands were and the large presence he had and how hard working Great-Grandma was; she took in work to buy the extra things she wanted. They were farmers in Benzie County and reared members of the police force, clergy and a member of management in the “Michigan Bell Pioneers”.
On my mothers’ side, we know that Great Grandma’s parents came through Canada in the early 1800’s and then settled in Williamsburg, Michigan where the farmhouse still stands. Great-Grandpa’s family is of German origin and they were potato farmers in Indiana prior to settling in Grand Traverse County. To further the confusion, we believe my mothers’ father was adopted out of France; however, we are unable to find any report of him or the adoption due to the loss of public records.
My family speaks English; however, my Great-Great Grandmother spoke only German. I do still have relatives in Germany who speak German as their first language, but when they speak to me, they speak English.

C: Rituals of daily living and special occasions
    Our family celebrates everything! While Christian holiday’s (Christmas and Easter) and Thanksgiving are the big events of the year. Birthday’s, births, deaths, weddings and any other reason to get the family together are cause for celebration.
    In 2003, we lost my Grandmother, my father, and my fathers’ only brother in a very short time for different reasons. When Grandma lay dying in her hospital bed the true spirit of my family was evident. Present at her bedside were her husband, sister, children, grandchildren and even a great grand child; all of us touching her and giving her that final “party” that she loved so much. When she passed I left the room to tell the remaining family that couldn’t fit in the room I saw her nurse (male) in tears at his desk and he said to me “Everyone should be loved that way and die that way.”

    Holidays always boasted more family than you could fit comfortably into a home. It also included any neighbor or stranger that happened to be alone. It was an unspoken message that nobody should ever be alone on a special day, especially when our family could always find room for one more and during the holiday’s there is no such person as stranger.

D: Physical Surroundings

    I grew up on a dirt road in a ranch style home on a slab of concrete, built by my father and Grandfather on land once owned by my mothers’ family. Our town was small and close knit, everyone knew everyone else and most of them were related to me in some way.

    Our home was nestled in the woods far off the beaten path and created a sense of security for me. I felt unreachable and distant from the world around me. Nothing could touch me when I was walking through the trees, listening to the birds, the dry leaves crunching under my feet or sitting by the creek reading on a sunny summer afternoon. I think growing up here gave me a sense of self, respect for nature and all her wonders, independence, fostered creativity and imagination.

    My family is big on handing down items to the next generation. I myself own a small dresser made by my Great-Grandpa, a dresser once owned by my Great-Grandma, a sweater worn by my Great-Grandma and my favorite heirlooms are my children. My oldest child carries the first name of my mothers’ father, the middle name of my father and the last name of my fathers’ family (there were no boys born to the males to carry on the name). My second son carries his fathers’ family names, with my mother choosing his first name. My oldest daughter carries her Great-Grandmas first name (spelled per Grandmas request) and my youngest carries my Great-Great Grandma’s maiden name as her first name, her Grandma’s first name as her middle name and my fathers’ last name.

E: Social Relationships

    Several people outside of my family have influenced who I have become. First of all Bob, a friend of my fathers who always told me like it really was and I refer to his words often in my dealings with life. I remember a very important conversation he and I had one day in the yard at my parents’ house; I was struggling in school with my peers and my father had expressed concern to him. He said to me “Kristy, you are a beautiful young girl, you are smart and you can overcome anything if you really try. Don’t let other peoples opinions of you determine who you are. As long as you do the best you can do what right does anyone have to take that away?”

    The other primary people were Pastor Joe and his wife Evelyn. They came to our church when I was a young teen and started a youth group. It was with them that I truly found myself as a loving, kind, compassionate and open person. They led by example of forgiveness, spoke of pure love and exuded kindness. They took us to nursing homes for visits, created programs for the special needs children and opened my mind and my heart to the truest form of love and acceptance.

     They welcomed into our church a man that had been in prison without judging him and quickly added him to our youth program as a leader. He was not singled out or treated any different from anyone else in the church, he simply was one of us from the beginning; he became a member and deacon of our church rapidly. Today I am proud to say this man is still a friend to me.

F: Religion

    Faith and religion in my family are not something that you can easily get away from. My Grandfathers’ family for the most part is Catholic, my mothers Lutheran and the rest Non-denominational Christian. The Bible standardized any questions or rules for my upbringing. For instance, when I asked why there were different colors of people I was told “God made them that way so they could survive better where they lived.” After this I was given an example using the African’s “Their skin is dark because they have more pigment in it. They are from a warmer climate with a lot of moisture in the air so their noses are a little wider making it easier to breathe and their hair is curly so it doesn’t hang in their faces when they work with all the humidity.”

    My father had been baptized Catholic, but his teachings and way of life leaned more toward the Native American belief structure. He believed that everything we need is provided by nature and that nature should be respected in that you never take more then you will use and waste nothing. Enforcing this way of thinking was when my Uncle built a teepee. Sewn from canvas and using cedar logs my cousin and I spent many a summer day inside. As adults we have resurrected the teepee and use it often for tarot readings, and other special “ceremonies”, such as at my Uncles memorial. We call it “having a teepee”. A ceremonial fire and other items of the Native American cultures, crystals, “smudge” sticks and meditation are sometimes included in our “ceremonies”. Some call it “New Age”, all it really is, is an all encompassing version of all elements in life, science (bodies, energy, and energy sources), religion (prayer, mediation), faith (spirits, spirit world) and love (unconditional, boundless).

    After reading our text I discovered that most of my belief structures come from the Hindu faith and follow on that path. I believe that everything is intertwined and there is no true religion, just us, the spirit world (God) and faith that something beyond this plane exists for everyone.

G: Education

    The approach to education in my family was a topic of great discussion, not many men in my immediate family received high school diplomas and I will be the first to graduate from college. I myself held back a lot in high school, dropping out in the tenth grade and returning after many years to further my education. I felt stifled in the class room, I was a petite, attractive young woman and nobody bothered to notice how smart I was and only years later did I find out myself when I receive an award for the highest GED score.

    My father was known for saying “work smarter, not harder”. My mother went to college and even though she did not receive a degree, she worked all the way through it. She works in education herself now and has received the esteemed “Educator of the year award”, which she of course minimized as being “no big deal”.

    My dad’s friend Bob, that I mentioned earlier, was a big influence as well. A conversation I had with him when I was a teen echoes through my life still, he said “Without an education you could end up doing work you hate, that is hard and that nobody respects. Next time you go out to eat, you look at how tired and worn out your waitress is and ask yourself ‘is that what I want for my life?’” I do ask myself this regularly and often, however, he didn’t know that it would have another impact on me as well. As a result I am a good tipper, I always say thank you and I always look my waitress or waiter in the eye giving them the respect they deserve for the hard work they do.

H: Gender, race, age, social class and sexual orientation

    Early on it was established for me that gender doesn’t matter in my family. Everyone had their own part and carried their own share of the load. While I wasn’t able to muscle the hog to butcher it, I did my part by helping to package it and put it away.

    Race was never an issue of concern or to be treated negatively. Maybe that came from my Grandmas first husband being a Native American who died in WWI. Quite possibly it was just as our text stated “Germans were a more accepting group” (Parrillo, 2003), of course I can’t make a judgment since I wasn’t there.

     Growing up I was always aware of the age factor. There was always someone older telling me what to do and always someone younger that I told what to do. Everyone had a specific role; I guess the saying “crap rolls down hill” takes its form here. Anything that the Grandparents said overrode the parents, parents overrode the kids and kids were to do as they were told without questioning, there was a definite sense of order to the chain of command (Grandma was the boss).

     I had the best of both worlds as far as social class is concerned. I was the daughter of a hard working lower to middle class family with Godparents that had no children in the upper class. I was afforded the unique opportunity to participate in the upper class functions as well the functions considered to below that standard. In this respect I feel I have had the most enlightenment, I do not feel like I fit in any class in particular. I can interact with the President of a major company as well as the hermit who uses an outhouse and never feel that they are above nor beneath me.
    Nobody really talks about sexual orientation in my family. I have members of my family that are gay or lesbian but my family has never made it a definition for who they are. I have many friends that live different lifestyles from me and I have never seen it as being anymore “alien” to me then I am to them.

     While our religious training traditionally calls for non-acceptance of this, my family has chosen to live by the scripture “judge not, lest ye be judged” (Holy Bible; King James Version) or the saying “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”. I heard these almost daily growing up.

I: Other Influences

    There are times when I am ashamed of my strong German heritage, not because of anyone locally or my family, but because of the actions of Hitler (I would really rather not be grammatically correct here and use all lower case for his name). I am ashamed that someone who shares my culture could be so cruel and hateful to anyone; especially the innocents that he hurt.
    I found myself at work one day in the home of a blind Polish immigrant woman who needed care. She was very adamant that she did not need assistance and said, “I don’t vant a voman in my house!” I was very concerned that she would notice that I carry a very German last name and become upset, thus causing problems that I did not want for her health. She finally asked the question I dreaded “Vhat is your name?” I told her reluctantly and was surprised when she smiled and said, “Good German name, she can stay!” then she proceeded to push her daughter in law to leave.

    My culture exists solely as an American consisting of many cultures, ideals and traditions. If you are human, you are my race, if you bleed, you are of my own blood and when we die, we all return to dust. Whether you believe in creation or evolution, all of us are extensions of the very first and in essence and are all part of one giant family tree.

J: Insights

    I feel that this session has reinforced the teachings I learned growing up. My personal family culture has been continuously re-created from accepting and adopting other cultures into our own.

    I do follow the teachings of my family and try to pass them along to my children. I feel it is important for everyone to feel a sense of self and belonging where ever they may find themselves. I believe every person has something special to contribute to the whole and will if we just make a little more room at the table.

    I realize now that my culture is not the “normal” standard and I actually cried about some of the things I have read. It is hard for me to understand such harshness growing up in a world so full of love and acceptance.

    I have learned that I am not tolerant of ignorant people, I do possess a bias against those who act out of hate and I will not ever understand it nor do I want to.

Reference:
Parrillo, V.N., (2003). Strangers to these shores: Race and ethnic relations in the United States (7th ed.). Boston: Allyn and Bacon.
    Holy Bible, King James Version. Matthew 7:1.

A Writer is born

2010-12-04T00:00:00.002-05:00

As I mentioned before my husband is in college now while he was looking for a job, volunteering, taking me to doctors appointments and everything else he does to take care of everyone around us...now that I think about it I don't know when he has time to sleep!

Anyway, he had a composition class which is normal for starting over in college. In this class they told him writers are not born, they must learn to write effectively. Of course he came right to me with that since I am the "writer" of the family. He began to question me about why I write, where the drive comes from, how I do it naturally since "writers are not born" and wanted to know the tricks to getting a good grade in the class.

He was very disappointed when I had to tell him that as long as I can remember I wrote; I wrote before I knew how to spell words or form letters. I wasn't the child that drew pictures, I scribbled and told the stories to my dolls. My grandmother had pictures of me when I was only 2 or 3 years old sitting in an old wooden desk with the wrap around arm, pencil in hand and writing away. She always said she knew that writing was my calling and my way to communicate with the world.

I know there are many opinions on this subject, but really is writing learned or is it ingrained? Are writers trained or are they born? In my opinion writers have to want to write, they have to feel the need to write, they have to be able to bare their souls with the written word and form logical thoughts with the written word so others "feel" what they are trying to convey. Is it just me that feels this way?

I am sure writers can be trained to be effective, however; would you criticize a painter that was trained rather then one who painted what they felt? Probably. I find it difficult to swallow that any artist first must be trained, sure there are certain techniques and rules that must be followed but for the most part its the spirit of the artist, the love for the art that makes them an artist. Nobody can deem another an artist, they are if they feel they are in my opinion.