A's Blog

FLY!!!

2011-01-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

So high above the world I'm flying,
the only breeze is an angel sighing
The warm glow of the sun shines down on me,
as I drift ever closer to my destiny

Floating through these beams so bright,
I push myself to reach new heights
I don't know when, but someday soon,
I'll be there dancing on the stars, on the moon

On the ground I hear them cry
to get back on earth, and out of the sky
I'm not meant to touch the stars,
They're just too bright, and much too far

And just when I stop flying, start falling
I hear the voice of an angel calling
I listen well to her sweet sound,
saying, Fly on, and don't ever look down

;http://40e6c7f55gorbn4o-bq7s2xhaw.hop.clickbank.net/

Reading Between The Lines!

2011-01-10T17:49:00.000-08:00

....it took me just one meeting to change myself form adarsh to andy and then from andy to andrew to finally being called as andrie! i remember,the first time i was called by that name was when i was in class 5. A teacher from England had come to teach in our school(kate-"her name") and while during a lesson,she wanted to give everyone of us an english name. We were studying "Lochness monster" and all of us were supposed to make a mask for the lesson,that was when she told us that she wanted us to be friends with students of the school she studied in. I was given the name andrew(andy) and my best friend Manish was called Matthew(Matt). My friend from England,her name was Rebecca(Rebecca Herds),its funny that i remember her name to this date and not my class mates' with whom i studied ih high school. In her last letter she had mentioned to me that she had just broken up with a guy and was seeking a new boyfriend,she had even asked in the end if i was interested(i was ten then)! It was then and now,i have tried to get in contact with her quite a few times, typing her name in google,hi5,facebook,vkontakte..almost every possible blog sites i know but there are so many people with the same name,i probably gave up when it came to my mind that she must have changed so much by now she wouldn't even recognise me.

I was always a shy person when it came to matters of relationship but during those days i was so eager to have a white girlfriend. I dont know if it was because of the crush i felt over my english girl friend, to quaint my thirst to be a master of the language or just to feel good about the fact and make my other friends jealous. I never gave it a thought, but the notion must have always remained in my memory since then. I ended up making a Philipino girlfriend when i was 18(8 yrs after) and to this day my unguiltyful perseverance is seeking to fall into the hands of an english speaking girl! I now understand why i didnt fall into the hands of my high school crush, iam sure something must have come out of it had i tried harder, i just choosed to let her space occupy by somebody else as the time passed and now i think it was my innocent mind that was playing its part subconsiously.

Nobody has ever loved me so bashfully or atleast has not made me feel so. It was always i,who was trying hard to give the truest of feelings. But none has lasted,some perished as a memory to be remembered,while in some the long distance between our hearts did its job. Right now, when i think of it,it gives a feel of crossing this river in hopes of finding the treasure at the other side, i must have crossed that river a million times but everytime only failure is what i have grabbed. Iam afraid that iam beginning to lose the very perception of the aphrodisia. I have never wanted to hurt anybody(though its me,who was left in dismay most of the time), iam not sorry,for i do not regreat what i did, i dont know if i was right or wrong but i did what i had to at that time.

Andrei dabai edyom! she said something in russian when i realised, i already have somebody in my life who says she is madly in love with me! A taste of fidelity...iam amazed how i can forget about the world when iam with someone i like. She is the preetiest of the women i have met for quite a time,she is calm and intelligent which drives me even more towards her. The fact that i met her so all of sudden and that both of us have good feelings about each other makes me forget for a while of the consequences it might led to,yet despite all i give it a second thought! As i write this,my eyes are already shutting ever now and then(iam tired from the walk) i shut my eyes to see myself standing at the bank of the same river looking to the otherside,trying to read the signs of the nature of whether i shall or shall not dive in again,even while iam writing this journal iam trying to make a sense out of it...i guess,iam just trying to write all the feelings iam feeling and read between the lines...!

DILEMMA

2011-01-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

"have you ever looked up at the sky and thought of me?",she sounded rather sad tonight. To tell u the truth,i haven't actually!!not because i didn't wanted to or wouldn't have,just because i dont get much time to look up these days,i am sure her thoughts wpuld have popped out of nowhere had i got a chance to ponder looking towards the sky. Its so polluted out here,when i look up i only see clouds of smoke covering the universe on top of my head, see everything but sky!!

"ya,i do.A lot of times actually",i replied,to which she asked,"you are not lying?", umm...well,i was lying,wasnt i? but considering the possibility that,had i looked up to the sky and considering that i was thinking of my dear ones,i would have probably thought about her too!!and the fact that i didn't ,might make it look like i lied but the fact that i didn't looked up at the sky at the 1st place means i was not lying,so in tht case i was 40% lying and 60% speaking the truth which means that i was 20% speaking the truth more than i was lying,"no iam not lying,why would you think iam lying?",so,i said.

the fact that,i lied or she did, doesn't scare me, these things are seemingly unimportant,unimportant in the sense that we most of the time talk nonsense. What scares me is when she starts talking about our future, about having a home together, even about children!! whenever she picks any of such topics,i just kid and make my way through the volleys she throws upon me. the moment she starts i start making jokes just to make our conversation light. We r such good friends already, i love her,i do. aah! i only worry that she might be taking all these way too seriously. Who knows about future?i dont!!
i dont say anything though,i just flow with the moment,why spoil such a great moment thinking of something that might happen in the future! i dont want to hurt her though, i know she is strong enough to held onto if anything as such happens in future. She is one fine,strong lady!actualy,i sometimes find her stronger than me emotionally!

i looked into her eyes,she looks through mine. We chat some more nonsense,i like to make her smile,she compliments me that i have a good sense of humour. She makes me feel beautiful and i love it! a while ago i tried to look up to the sky...i can only see clouds,it might rain tonight...

http://0cddc2n9wdlwhm5qq1h0c53k27.hop.clickbank.net/

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR !!!

2011-01-10T17:36:00.000-08:00

...it was raining cats nd dogs that night. i could not sleep and as usually do,i was just thinking of something,i just don't remember what! i knew,a new family had come to live next door to us. Mr regmi had added another floor on top of his one storey building and it seemed they had already had renters. What i didn't know though was,the girl who had her room facing to my window was erratically beautiful. It was the same very night i saw her for the 1st time,i was randomly looking through my window and there she was lying on her bed,she was probably studying,she had her specs on!!her white t-shirt and pink(i think) shorts were strong enough to stimulate parasympathetic signals below my pelvis. I tried using my binoculars to get a closer view of her,and further i noticed,she had a pierced nose,a bangle on her hand and she occassionly played with her hair,curling it around her fingers at times, putting it inside her mouth at others or just swinging it! It was not until 2 weeks after that night or so that i finally got to see her up close,she looked much more beautiful than i thought. Only 2 yrs had gone by, since they came here and i started seeing her on tv! it was a fascinating thing for me(atleast),i forgot that song though!but it was a popular video. She was one heck of a confident woman,the way she walked,the way she talked,in virtually everything she did,her audacity wil burst out like a volcano. She wouldn't care that she got a lot of bitching behind her back,even with her parents,but it was almost like she knew ,there was a bigger picture to it and she should not be worried by the hinders on the way. Her mother was the only woman i saw consoling her,though physically in captivity,her mother wouldn't speak a word when her father was around and shouting on her but she would quietly go into her room and held her child in her arms,wipe her tears and make her sleep on her lap.
I began to have huge respect for her,she was just the kind of woman i admired,i would boast about her a lot of times amongst my friends."you should dare to have your own identity,look at her,she is living by it",i wud go. They must have wondered why i even cared to talk about her so much. But i was inspired,i must have wrote some songs about her back then....she had gone to the US for her higher studies,3yrs to that day,she was called back and was married to a well off guy(i heard a business man)!!!!

There comes a time for everyone when they are at the top of the world,when everything u do turns out to be a piece of cake,it may not be as big as we imagine,not as dramatic as we expected but for the people around us,we seem to be the luckiest person ever alive!
I wonder the education she acquired,all those university days she spent in the US is ever going to come handy to her,i hope she does not decide to be a housemaid though. They say," if u cant live what u learned ,u never learned it" and i hope she gets her chance to prove it!
Yesterday,i noticed a new family had moved in to regmi's, a young girl came to the window where i used to see my girl next door!! i smiled and sat down to write this...
http://5d5032pv6nszev8jrbmv7cer3t.hop.clickbank.net/

fear of the heart!

2011-01-10T17:22:00.000-08:00

what will i do,when i want to hold u?

look into ur eyes,kiss and caress u!

cant tell u now,how much i think ill miss u

i just hope u will miss me more than i do!

i am just trying here to take my moment

for tormented thots of mine,of dormently losing u, trying to eat up my fears and be absorbent!

when ul be gone,i shal be left blue

i shall lose my path,i mean il trip over my own shoe!

but sad as the truth is,nomatter how hardly or softly i try to put this

every second shall i miss, the essence the incense of ur damn kiss!

1000 miles from my heart,would it be easy for u to think

or will u just forget me in that single blink

right now we smile,we laugh at it and give it a wink

but have u ever thot how easy it is for tis to sink?

link,pink! and see the bigger picture of the thing

this is no fairytale,there r no diamond rings

nothing of this matters,i guess in the end though

we've done what we could,just need to let this grow on its own

so here is my wishses for ur future life

a pretty daughter u make,even a preetier wife

and if i ever get a chance someday to show

how perfect iam for u,a complete romeo

from my head right to my toe

my juliet u r,whom i shall always bow!

i give u the key to my heart's door,

go lock it preety girl before someone goes

reserves a seat there and says its mine

before that happens id rather sell it to u for a dine!

so let me end here,before i lose my clue

of what i should say and what not to u!

just remember till then, i love u..

http://1df9azk72grqctdapilc7cvq9i.hop.clickbank.net/

made in heaven

2011-01-10T12:58:00.000-08:00

for somebody like him, it was a loss unbearable, a disease incurable and a pain indelible. Never knew how he cud put himself up still smiling when all he got was himself suffering through strains every time. Drunken was he when he bursted in front of me in tears,quietly then he confronted me of his inner wish to end his life. I was just listening when suddenly he took out a paper and handed it to me which he wanted me to read. It said,"dear god! i end this life in a hope that i will have a better one next time . Sorry dad!i couldn't really be strong like u told me to be. Crushed by the flaws of world i have no wish to continue anymore. I lost my most valuable attiquets so badly,broken into million pieces is my heart now that i cant even join them to make it beat again.You stole my parents away,i didn't say anything!u made me walk along the path where i walked but didn't realised that slowly one by one i lost all of my cherished friends! i didn't say anything. Thought you were still lukin after me when u brought her into my life,i had almost forgotten my fears nd now u stole her too! NOW I'm speechless. Every time,the more i tried to believe in u,the more u made a puppet out of me! i dont have any heeds with u though,i'm just writing this to make sure that i don't suffer no pugartory.I hope u grant me permission to live in the after life which i hope would be better,i have nothing more to ask from u. thanking you....!

after i finished reading it,he looked at me and said,"post this to god wil u?",he spoke that much and fell from his chair head on to the floor banging his head. I carried him home that night,cant believe he was so drunk that he couldn't even walk! i was so worried that night. The next morning he called me and said that god had sent a reply to him with a gift as a bonus! he read it to me on phone, it read,"dear beloved son,i'm sorry that i made u suffer all tht much which i wud say was rather unintentional,ur dad was worrying abt u when i told him about the letter u sent,he was crying yesterday and was very sad that u wanted to give up. I was furious at first to tell u the truth,how u blamed me for everything,when all i did was nothing but sent u to the world. I was myself crying when i first let u leave from our home up in heaven,cant u see u r valuable to me too! i never want all of u to leave my home and suffer in the world but son,that is the rule which,even i can't break. I am counting all of my children's day of return. Can't explain how desperately i'm waiting to meet all of my children's whom i let go from the very day of our seperation. Your parents had their time served,i must say i was a lil' hasty there and didn't realize you were more in need of them than me but couldn't suffer more separation from my children so i called them to me! don't worry they are safe here with me,u shall see it for yourself when u have your time served there. Son ! u are there just for the time being because thats the rule,your home is here with me with all of us. And ya regarding the purgatory thing,if u do not serve your time well there,i'm sorry that i cannot do anything about it which again is by rule a punishment for those who don't serve enough in earth. And just to update u,i've heard of very brutal punishments being given there,a new addition to it as i've heard is,getting naked in front of angels and getting your arse beaten to red with their sandals! its rather humiliating don't u think??but again,i have nothing to say if u really want to be humiliated that way! lastly,son ! i didn't take your love,don't worry,u wil b thanking me later that i saved u from being with the wrong one. I cant control your choices,thats for u to decide what u want to do. If i were u,i would live my life to the fullest,serve my time there and make the best of it. I hope u won't even think of giving up after reading this letter,if it would make u realize and cherish the life you've got i'll think my purpose of writing u is fulfilled.
your eternal father,
god!

http://1df9azk72grqctdapilc7cvq9i.hop.clickbank.net/

without u!

2011-01-10T12:30:00.000-08:00

i tried to forget my thoughts about you,

i dranked,i screamed,i abused about you,

spread my lies that it didn't mattered without you,

fuck it,i suck,i cant carry without thinking about you!!

sometimes i try to think it around,will you cry,will it hurt you,when you hear my aching sound

and then i think do you feel the same without me,do you scream,do you cry thinkin aboutt me?

just then consience hits my head,all these shit just because i think about u?

rule out,shut up, bitch i have to carry without you!

my dream of walking with u under the moon light,wildest fantasies to keep you infront of my sight,all of the day and all of the night!

fuck,i suck i know! i am all covered in this smoky fumes, sobbing like a baby,listening to these looney tunes..

and then i think what was that about you? that i became so desperate,so damned without you..

nobody answers though,a voice calms me down,i keep my emotions low, guess life's like this you know,gotta let some things go...

thats all i can write now when i think about you,
(god bless you,bless me too...i hope to meet u again!)

amen..till then i have to carry without you!

http://487296m56mquhr6jv7s5uz0pbt.hop.clickbank.net/

all over again( u make a poet out of me!)

2011-01-10T12:25:00.000-08:00

Someday when I'll grow enough to hold your hand just whisper to me that this ain't love.

i shall work my way to prove,it is,do the cheesiest thing for you to see it.

force me harder to go crazy,i will,make the flowers blossom in summer,make it snow in spring.

perspirating,gasping me would say,i love u more than words can convey.Fall in love with me please,you bring brightness to my day.

you'll smile,blush but still refrain,have me suffer,all my tries in vain,only when ill kiss you in the rain,smile to me and say,'darling i fell in luv with you again.'

at times as it may seem,the color of our love has deemed,as i age the attraction,i will lose,i know,will still be your sweetest hero,i know.

give me your strength indeed,a dose of love is all we need,to be madly in love like we are,to dream of heaven we built far.

far in the lands of grass i said,'my angel,heaven was where our pairing was made.'these words,i shall repeat everyday,happiness or in pain and make you fall in love with me,everyday! all over again.

http://d0858wrw5inq7p61-iwati4o54.hop.clickbank.net/