boredom is a disease

bitch bitch bitch hate thread

2015-02-16T23:17:00.001+08:00

Kau tahu apa yang babi? Bila orang baca old post and still anggap things are like that. Like how stupid can you be you fucking bitch? Annoying asshole. Now I remember why I dumped your ass.

This actually went through my head quite a few times already. Like, read if you want to, wtv. Interpret it any fucking way that you want, criticize or wtv but get the fuck out of my fucking face. Annoying little bitch. You're the same as you were then, fucking annoying assuming little bitch.

Counting days

2014-10-29T00:25:00.001+08:00

I miss you.

You, a deep set longing for something which is no longer impossible to have, almost attainable, almost.

Within my reach and yet still so far away, oh hope and daydreams weaken me, my resolve but a lingering scent of morning rain when the sun is already casting shadows under my worn out soles.

Counting days for when I can stare right into your eyes, searching for whatever feelings you have for me, looking for the place I wish to call home, waiting for you to call me love.

Together forever, in soul but not in distance, trapped for now but not much longer, counting the days for when we can be together again.

2 cones of ice creams

2014-10-25T23:51:00.002+08:00

I'm really big on symbolism. A huge fan really of another object representing something else. I think the best thing about this is that no one really knows why I hold some of the things that I have at such high value. Take for example that old green pillow I have, that thing if not for the sentimental value would have been thrown away ages ago. But that being the only memento I have of a bad (the worst really) relationship I've had, I keep it anyway just to remind myself why I chose to leave.

Anyway symbols can be negative, one to mark painful memories which had given me important lessons but there are also symbols which are of merrier connotations. Take for example the one which I choose to speak of today; the simple act of me eating two icecreams on every 100th day of my relationship with her.

The first 100th was on 10th of April, the second on 19th of July, and our 300th day will be in 2 days time; 27th of October. I know that it might sound cheesy, stupid even to some, but this is what I do and I love how special those icecreams are on those days. Even though we're miles apart, this is my way of renewing my vow to always love and cherish her, and to always be the pillar of our relationship. The funniest part about this is probably that she herself doesn't know that I do this, and I don't think she ever will, but hey, at least I know and I think the secrecy of it all is good for me; at least I know I'm doing this purely for unselfish reasons.

So dear you, maybe someday you'll read this entry, maybe you won't, but in two days time from today I'll be at the beach eating 2 cones of ice cream; one for me and one for you who is so far away right now. I miss you baby girl, I do.

The Wedding

2014-10-25T15:45:00.001+08:00

I'm reading The Wedding by Nicholas Spark and I'm only at page 13 but the similarities in circumstances are scaring me. Sure I'm not married yet, nor have I forgotten our anniversary, but the pages that I've read tell the story of how one man falls deeper for a woman over the period that they've been together while the woman slowly began to doubt her own feelings towards the man, and that I feel is what's going on with my own relationship. The way the characters are portrayed plays no small role in cultivating this fear as well; the man more of a social recluse while the woman the easy going type with a lot of friends. She laughs and cries with innocence that can only be described as childlike (an attractive attribute I assure you, honesty always is attractive in my book) while the man is more of a loner who tho is acquainted too many, is perfectly content being close only to few people whom he could trust, and he is one whose thoughts and opinions oftens are more readily found in grey areas while hers are in black and white.

The more I think about it the more I realize how boring this must be to her, a long distance relationship with almost little to no chance at all for regular dates, our last date was on June and this is already at the end of October. I'm a serious no nonsense guy by default and I think what she need from me is to make her laugh more often, which is almost impossible for me to do since being funny is a trait which I have for countless times failed to immitate. I just hope that when we finally do get to meet this 6th of November, I'll get to rekindle the spark that draw us together in the first place.

I'll be flying to meet you soon sayang, so please be patient and wait for me, please don't shut me out. I love you and I cherish you and your absence is the grey cloak of death that will surely be the end of me.

Twitter

2014-10-25T15:33:00.001+08:00

Twitter used to be fun. It still is to some extent, but the circles that I follow and that they follow are starting to really bother me. People are getting too serious about stuffs which I think I'd be better off not paying attention to, and I'm starting to realize that I too have changed and is getting more serious there. This bother me of course, seeing how Twitter was supposed to be an escape from the seriousness of real life. I signed up to vent, but now I find myself slowly being reeled in, like a fish slowly being reeled in by the fisherman, the line too strong for me to escale from and the hook too deep in for me to unhook myself from.

I might act callous and unchanged but I know this heart that I have is a soft one, easily malleable by feelings and emotions in the atmosphere that I'm in. Perhaps I've stayed for far too long, perhaps this is no longer the place to be. Perhaps, but again, like a fish at the end of a fishing rod's line, I'm stuck.

Negativity or whatnot, I can't deny that it has served its purpose as a channel for me to vent. All my rants in under 140 characters are mostly thoughts that are too jumbled up inside my head, if left uncared for would blemishes whatever mask I choose to wear out in real life. Takes a lot in a man to remain calm under fire, and real life is too much of a nuisance to be dealt with without another outlet for me to bitch and complain about it.

I just wish people wouldn't be too quick to argue using foul language, too slow to see the logic in reason, too conceited to believe that they might not be right all the time. It doesn't feel good seeing how more frequently it is now people are being bashed l, bullied, even if they do deserve it. Live and let live, I wish indifference could be enough to sate everyone's hunger for validation.

freedom

2014-09-27T18:48:00.001+08:00

I was a very confused kid. They tell me to do this and that, while they do the exact opposite. I was kindness, I was timid, I was confused, and I was lost. Hypocrisy. The only way I could rebel was doing badly at things that I know I could do perfectly well. I was searching for myself, confused between what I want to be, what I was, and who I was expected to be.

My kindness was often confused as flirtations, my need to apologize for my mistakes we seen as a sign of weakness, and over time, I grew tired of it all. That wasn't me, that was what I thought I was expected to be, that was the kind of person I was taught to be, but that wasn't me.

It was an awful 5 years. I took it all in like a sponge, seeing, hearing, learning, everything. And I grew sick of it all.

That short period of time at the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010, the period when I went missing? That's when I found myself. That was when I knew exactly who I want to be, the first time I stopped donning masks to please other people. I felt so free, and it was very addictive.

So excuse me if I say no to what you ask of me, but that's not who I am. That's not what I want to be. I am free, and I have no obligation to conform to your expectation. I am me, and I am happy.

farewell

2014-09-26T02:59:00.002+08:00

Didn't tell you about the saving account for the house. Or the one for the marriage. Or the one for my parents as a gift for when I finally graduate. The one for when I was going to see you, not that one as well.

I can never be too serious with you. Never could take you seriously enough. Tho I had hoped for it, but in the end, you're but the same. Too caught up in the presence to plan for the future.

So what if a few of my plans, the ones that don't really matter, fail? I still have the solid ones which I've prepped for a years now, and they're all good. But you will never get to hear about any of them, because you, even till the end, was always a liability. All I could ever talk to you about were the whimsical ones, the ones that tho would break my heart if they were to fail, would not take my future away from me.

Can you not see your own flaws? Were you too caught up in looking for mine, that my words fell on deaf ears? Were you so blind to the clues I left behind, the little tidbits I let out, hoping that you'd be smart enough to deduce on your own?

Truth be told, you failed me. I was irrational at times, but never once did I let go of my future. They are the only things I really hold on to, not you.

And if this came as a surprise to you, then I guess a lot of other things would come as a surprise to you as well. The things that I really don't talk about, the things I left for you to figure out on your own but you never did.

I don't mind rationing my money for food and whatnot, I don't mind not being able to see you all that often, because all that I have, I save for the future, one that I want and shape according to my vision. This is but a transition, a preparatory stage for me, but you don't understand that, too caught up living in the now as you are, you'll never understand that, and till the end, my mouth remain shutted, my thoughts remain hidden.

crossroad

2014-09-21T08:05:00.001+08:00

Perhaps it was too hasty a decision, one that could prove to be the reason for my undoing later on. For what it is worth, at the time, I truly believed that what I chose was the best, if not the only, course of action to be taken.

And so here we are again, on the same crossroad we have arrived for far too many times already . And again, as times and times before, it is not yet too late to turn back and start anew, or take a different path altogether.

The thing is that, I had great hope in you and your potentials. The thing is that, I thought you could be better in due time, if given a few nudge along the right direction. But here I stand, dejected and dispirited, watching all that I had hoped and wished for come to naught, all that potential wasted by your own insistence to stay as you were, unchanged and immature.

I dare not say that all those times when our fate were intertwined together were but a colossal waste of time and effort, for from that time I have had the time to learn much and improve but the visage that stands before me now, this truly is disheartening, a sight I can no longer bear with.

Perhaps it was too hasty a decision, perhaps it was too soon for be to be thinking that I am ready to be the change that you were unknowingly waiting for, perhaps it was a mistake for me to tag along in your roller coaster ride.

Too young, too naive, too stupid, I stand here now watching yet another chapter come to an end, I stand here now undecided on my next course of action, I stand here now at the crossroad, lost as to which path I should now take.

Amranfans

2014-09-20T01:38:00.003+08:00

Some people actually has the nerve to bring out my choice of profession (aku part time cashier stesen petronas sambil further degree aku) in their attempt to discredit points yang aku bagi bila argue.

I mean come on la. Faham tak exasperation bila orang tak engage dengan point and instead pilih untuk guna tease and taunts macam tu? Rasa macam holy fuck why did I even bother trying to talk some sense into you people.

As for my part time job, it pays the bill, ada duit nak makan nak beli rokok topup sewa rumah apa semua, aku tak minta duit sangat dengan parents kecuali kalau urgent sangat perlu duit. Dah 22 bruh, rasa segan tu tebal kalau makan minum pon parents still support. Just because depa mampu doesn't mean perlu terus nak leech of depa, tunjuk sikit contoh kat adik adik, sulung kan. Job ni halal, and so far takde kacau sangat dengan prestasi akademik, pointer sem lepas actually naik, sikit lagi dah nak DL and aku actually still boleh target untuk DL next semester, so everything's all cool.

And yeah I take great pride in this. Kau apa ada, apa kau dah actually buat untuk try dikari hidup sendiri? Jangan harap aku nak actually acknowledge taunts tu dalam real argument, sini je aku meroyan and gelakkan your pitiable self.

definisi cinta antara lelaki dan wanita

2014-09-16T02:07:00.001+08:00

Cinta itu aku kira cari duit dulu cukup cukup untuk bicara soal cinta dengan serius, kemon bercinta bertahun tapi takde duit nak kahwin ahhh susah juga.

Cinta itu pada aku simpan angan dalam diam, fikiran melayang terbayang masa mungkin diluang bersama dengan si dia, bahagia yang mungkin dirasa, if only cukup berani untuk pergi gamble segala apa yang sedia ada dengan confess rahsia di jiwa.

Cinta itu mungkin juga berpisah berbulan bertahun tanpa ikatan, lihat dia bahagia dengan yang lainnya namun dalam hati masih lagi simpan harapan untuk kembali bersama.

Cinta itu juga mungkin pandangan yang penuh tanda tanya, pada wajah yang kau mungkin takkan ada peluang lagi untuk lihat di hari esoknya.

Cinta mungkin juga tanpa wajah, hadir dalam hati yang terpaut pada bibit kata nukilan insan tanpa nama kau jumpa secara random di alam maya.

Definisi cinta itu pada aku mungkin berbeza pada tiap insan yang ada, kadang bersempadan dengan obsesi atau juga nafsu serakah, kadang disempadan dengan ego atau rasa dangkal dan segan yang mengikat lidah dari bicara.

Namun biar apa jua definisi cinta bagi kau si pembaca, jika ia dapat dirasa, jika ia hadir tanpa ada ragu yang meningkah kata, jika ia bangkit emosi yang tak bisa kau tafsir sepenuhnya, doaku agar kau juga mampu temu bahagia, doaku moga kau juga mampu rasa apa aku rasa; Cinta.

butoh

2014-09-07T19:35:00.000+08:00

Apa kau buat kalau dapat ex yang babi macam ex aku? Bila dah break, dia sebar benda benda bangang -sebab dia marah, cerita benda separuh separuh sebab nak nampak dia menang, nak nampak dia hebat?

Butoh. Siap yang nak kau terima balik even atas dasar kesian? Babi cuba kau ingat balik, ayat siapa, "hah kalau nak getback, getback sebab sayang, kalau tak malas ah." Siapa yang start guna ayat kesian sebab nak nampak dia power, nak usap ego dia sendiri? Cakap macam gampang, cerita lebat je, tapi bila sedih, buto, sape yang kau cari nak cerita? anjing.

And anggap bakal bini? setan, siapa yang biasanya suka bila aku panggil gitu? siapa yang kalau nak kena pujuk, pujuk camtu baru cepat nak okay? and siapa yang aku dah buang, anggap kawan je, bila perangai start celaka gila?

Butoh.

meroyan

2014-08-29T22:12:00.000+08:00

Kenapa suka meroyan tentang cinta?

Sebab ini senang. Dalam sedih, dalam duka, semua senang.
Sebab pain itu romantic, sebab people are kinder when you're sad.
Sebab meroyan itu simple, semua jujur dari hati.
Sebab dalam meroyan, tak perlu guna otak.
Sebab bila meroyan, kau layan emosi dan bukan segala benda lain yang serabutkan kepala.

Tak perlu logik akal dalam meroyan, tak perlu pada rationality, tak perlu pening diri fikir itu ini. Yang kau tahu, sedih dan layan sedih. Itu simple, itu senang nak buat, itu cara paling senang untuk lari dari segala benda lain.

Self pity itu satu nikmat, an addiction, opium yang khayalkan jiwa.

flirt

2014-08-29T08:04:00.000+08:00

"If you flirt with a lot of girls at the same time, none of them are ever going to take you seriously."

Well that's good innit? The one who's stupid enough to take me seriously, she's the only one I should focus on later, the only one who might actually fall for the person that I might really be and not fall for the stupid sugar coated words I speak.

Mungkin

2014-08-19T11:51:00.000+08:00

Bila dikota janji yang terucap,
Mungkin saat itu kau kan percaya,
Mungkin saat itu aku kan bahagia.

Bila dikota janji yang terucap,
Mungkin saat itu semuanya okay sahaja,
Mungkin saat itu kita kan bersama.

Bila dikota janji yang terucap,
Mungkin saat itu tiada lagi duka,
Mungkin saat itu, tiada lagi dia.

Good luck dear you

2014-08-16T06:04:00.002+08:00

My exes usually get into the seemingly perfect (well, if not perfect then, lasting) relationship right after they break up with me. Two actually got married. Yeah, Good Luck Chuck, without the awesome sex.

And here you are. Wishing the same thing for you, tho truth be told, it'll break my heart seeing you with someone else other than me.

I love you, forever and always.

your excuse

2014-08-03T19:43:00.001+08:00

The world is funny place to be. In all seriousness, it is. Where else would you find people so fierce in arguing for a cause that they deceit themselves into thinking that this is what I believe in, when in reality their actions would prove otherwise?

Hateful comments being justified as reasonable arguments, defending something that ought not be defended, and why so? Because in this you find a reason, an excuse, for you yourself to vent and rant, with words of hatred and derogatory terms, attacking what is truthfully right.

Debatable as it might be whether what you're fighting is in the wrong or not, does that give excuse to the manner in which you voice your opinions? Barbaric, uncivilized, and all too well received by your people, the ones who croon to the same tune. In numbers you find your strength, and as your word echoes and gain momentum, it drowns the arguments given by the opposition, no matter how logical they might be.

The Fight

2014-07-04T01:16:00.001+08:00

If it's meant to be, it will be. In the mean time, never ever give up on the things that are worth the pain and the sweats and continue struggling to get what you want in life. Fight for your right to be happy.

Lucky

2014-07-03T05:31:00.001+08:00

It all started with one random whatsapp. Well, not that random. She looked cute (and she IS), and she was sad, I saw an opportunity and I took it. So yes, one random whatsapp to a total stranger: pictures of babies and a cute (well I thought it was cute how I wrote everything earnestly trying to put a smile on that beautiful face of hers) text.

That was sometime in November. We took our time knowing each other, and after some time, I realized that I like this girl, I really, really, REALLY like her. So I made my move, I confessed, and to my surprise, she said yes. That was on the 30th of December.

Two strangers, never meeting each other in real life, falling in love over texts and mentions on twitter. Fate works in strange ways doesn't it.

It was hard, and it still is. Distance sucks, big time. She's in Sarawak and I'm here in Terengganu, both tied up by our own responsibilities. We broke up 5 times over the course of 5 months. Again, distance sucks.

But we pulled through didn't we love. Us, we, what we had (have) was, and is, worth fighting for. And so we fought, oh yes we did, and we pulled through.

Families got around to know each other, and we slowly accepted that yes, perhaps we're meant to be after all.

There are still hiccups. I'm far from perfect (and she knows it), and she, well, as far as I'm concerned, she's as close as anyone can ever get to perfection, and we still fight, but we grow stronger as each day passes, and that's more than enough to keep us going.

I love you sayang. I am not delusional enough as to think that we're a sure thing, but if things are to continue as they are, we'll make it, insyaAllah. You're an awesome girlfriend; funny and witty, smart and understanding, and patient (very patient, if not she wouldn't have been able to put up with all my antics), and you're beautiful, in my eyes, oh so very beautiful.

Thank you Caca for giving me her number, thank you Cik Siah and Cik Lan (mak and ayah, insyaAllah hahaha) for giving me your blessings, and thank you Ibu and Ayah for listening to all my rants and lecturing me when I was about to give up on us, on her.

I'm in love, and I hope I'll always be in love with you, insyaAllah. I'm lucky to be able to call you mine, lucky you said yes when I asked you to be my girlfriend, and lucky when you said yes when I asked you to marry me.

break up

2014-05-30T07:50:00.001+08:00

The best way to break up with a woman is by letting her think that it's her who wants to break it.

Annoy her, make her mad, do whatever it takes to make her think it's her choice, it's her decision to end it.

Why? Because they hate it when you're the one who walk away.

On the way balik kerja tadi aku nampak ex aku. On her motorcycle, depan blok dia. So aku stop, for old times sake, saje nak hai. Dah habis finals so rasanya dia nak balik Pasir Putih lah kot. 2 jam jugak kalau naik motor. Aku stop and bagi salam, and yup, she still hates my gut. It's been what, 2 years now? Dah berapa kali aku minta maaf but dendam tu nampaknya still membara. I know I left, but for good reasons. She fucked up, bad, and no second chances for the thing that she did. I'm the one who's supposed to hold a grudge, I'm the one who was broken because of her, I'm the one who can no longer truly trust any girl because of what she did, but nope, she's the one yang nak maki maki, like it's my fault to begin with.

Fuck you people, just fuck you.

jeles

2014-05-20T09:51:00.000+08:00

"Awak mudah jealous. Bla bla bla sayang saya sangat la tu hish bla bla bla."

Oh saya je mudah jeles? heh. Example 1.

"Presentation lah. Saya dah. Mira tengah present. Hahaha."

"Rakam wak. Nak tengok. Hahaha."

"Pehal... Dia bini lu ke gua bini lu?"

Tu satu. Yang lain pun nak saya tulis ke? Now faham why saya always cakap awak comel? Because you are darling.

Sorry

2014-05-07T22:37:00.001+08:00

Sometime I love you as a replacement for I'm sorry. Sure eventually I'll apologize properly and say the actual words, I'm sorry, but at the time, I think I love you is more than enough, or rather, more fitting, to express how I truly feel.

It's not that I'm using I love you as an excuse for whatever it was that I had done. It's just that, to me, my declaration of love shows that I'm sorry and I can't believe that I did what I did and I'm sorry that you're hurt because of it.

But that's just me. I' sorry, and I love you.

soalan

2014-05-06T22:37:00.001+08:00

"Sayang saya?"

"Tak."

"Dah tawar hati?"

"Ha'ah."

Basic conversation bila dah putus. Tiap kali putus, benda sama. Tiap kali macam ni jugak, aku kejar balik, kejar sampai dapat. Tak kisah aku atau dia yang mintak putus, aku yang kejar.

Bila selalu sangat macam ni, terbit satu lagi soalan. Soalan yang tak pernah aku berani nak ucap, soalan yang jawapan dia aku tak pasti, yang aku takut nak tahu apa jawapan dia.

"Boleh sayang saya, macam saya sayang awak?"

Sebab aku takut jawapan yang dia bagi, boleh betul-betul buat aku patah hati.

a break

2014-05-01T19:21:00.003+08:00

When I asked for the breakup, I know that things would quickly be settled afterwards. Either we get back together and be happy for a while and then breakup for good, or we'll get back and take things slow and she bears with me as I slowly regain my patience.

Unfortunately for us, it was the former that happened. We of course got back together again, for the love is there, of that I'm certain of, but the relationship was a volatile one, any tiny mistake could remind me again of what had hurt me and I won't be patient enough to chase after her again if we were to breakup once more.

The moment I realized this, I know that it won't be long till the end comes for us. Maybe it's experience maybe it's just logic, but you just kind of know these things. And so I did what anyone would do, if I have to go, then I'd go with a bang.

Enjoy the moment while it lasts. Cherish every happy moments that we have together. Because this is it. The last of them I supposed. And then it's the end. No more us, for we both by then would lack the motivation or the patience or whatever it is that keep couples going through hardships. I know that love is still there. A bit dull, but still there. As opposed to what any hopeless romantics would like you to believe, love alone isn't enough to keep a relationship going. A lot of effort is needed, especially the one that we two have now.

And now as I write all these down, we both are taking a break from each other. I know that perhaps this won't end well, but I did what I could, and I know she did too. We gave it our best, and now, I guess only time can tell whether the spark will be rekindled or not.

Whatever the result of this might be, she knows full well that I love her with all of my heart, and I too know that she tried her best to be the very best. An awesome girlfriend you are my darling. One that'll always have a place in my heart.

PMS

2014-04-27T21:09:00.003+08:00

Badan bersandar tenang pada sofa di balkoni tingkat tiga. Di jari hantu dan jari telunjuk terkepit seputung winston merah yang berasap tenang, menyala tanpa dihisap. Tangan laju swipe and tap pada skrin fon. Brightness pada setting paling rendah sudah cukup untuk buat skrin bersinar terang dalam gelap malam.

Baring dan mata fokus. Tap pada folder Screenshot. Tap pada latest picture. Tertayang screenshot conversation dengan awek di whatsapp. Conversation dari dua hari lepas.

"Awak, saya sayang awak tau. Stay okay, jangan gi memana, sabar je dengan kimak saya. :-* "

Swipe ke kanan.

"Lebiyu hubby :-* "

Swipe ke kanan.

"Rindulah. kakakakaka k kimak, segan ah."

Okay awak, okay. Baru tiga screenshot and hati dah kuat sikit. Tau hobi pelik, screencap conversation dengan awek, tapi to hell lah pelik ke tak, asal boleh jadi ubat rindu, asal hati boleh kuat.

Tangan tap icon back, back, back, sampai ke homescreen. Tap lambang telefon hijau. Tap conversation dengan awek.

Last line, "Saya nak putus. Lepaskan saya."

Otak ligat fikir ayat memujuk paling power sambil terdetik dalam hati, this is why tiap kali dia PMS hidup aku jadi kimak sikit. Kali keberapa mintak putus ni dey minachi?

Another goodbye

2014-04-12T22:00:00.001+08:00

How can you understand all that you've never experienced?

If you were to love as I do, would you be so quick in saying goodbye? No you would not, for there exist no happiness without being engulfed in the presence of the person that you care for as much as that.

And yet even if you do, maybe it would still not be the same for you. For each and every one of us went through different journeys to get to where we are now, and in doing so we are different, no matter how similar we are on the outside.

It is exactly because of that tht I hold no grudge against you, it is exactly because of that that tho silent tears may trickle down my face, absence are any lingering anger that I may have felt towards you.

It is with great hesitance and of no small effort that I decided to let you go, but I did, oh I did, and that is all that matters now.

Goodbye love, maybe in another life we're destined to be together.