Box of my stuff

10 ways to convince people you've seen a ghost

2012-01-15T10:55:00.000-08:00

I've said it before, I'll say it again. I don't believe in ghosts. But I really like the idea of ghosts. It's very entertaining. The whole idea that you can come back and annoy people when you are no longer alive is really very appealing. See the world, get revenge, find out secrets. A whole world of amusement is open to the dead.

I realized that getting people to believe that you have seen a ghost requires extra things that will sway them to your ghostly point of view. These are tips that will help you convince other people that you have seen, are seeing, or will see ghosts. Maybe you'll get your own cable TV show, who knows?

10. - Yell a lot - Nobody will believe you saw a ghost right then and there unless you yell like you've just been stung by a giant bee. Say things like 'Holy crap, did you see that?' and 'I can't believe what I saw'. Then tell them whatever you like about the ghost you just saw.

9. - Claim to be a skeptic - This is such a weird phenomenon. For some reason we are more likely to believe someone that is unaffiliated with the thing they are talking about. So if you are trying to convince someone that you have seen something otherworldly you should establish that you are a skeptic beforehand. It's advisable to set this up with enough distance between you and the ghost story that it wouldn't be considered a preface. Otherwise you risk them not believing you to be a skeptic and therefore believe that you are just another flighty ghost story person.

8. - Provenance is everything - I love the antiques road show. watch it for any length of time and you learn that the story around and authentication of a particular item is at least as important as the item itself. Got an old sword from the Civil war? probably worth 500 bucks. Got an old sword from the civil war that has DNA evidence of Robert E. Lee on it ? now it's 50,000 bucks (the aforementioned example is not a quote. Ask Lee's ghost). So if you know who lived in a rickety old house and you can document that someone was murdered there or committed suicide then (for some reason) we know that it's much more likely to have ghosts in it and is therefore much more believable. In fact, I don't know any of any haunting that doesn't have a good back story.

7. - Whisper - Ok, yes I did say yell a lot, but that was if you are seeing a ghost now. If you are going to tell a story about a ghost you've seen before, you need to lower your voice to a hoarse whisper. Give people a reason to listen. Whispering ALSO has the added benefit of allowing people to hear background noises while you are telling your tale of the wierd.

6. - Don't play with dangerous toys, you'll see a ghost - For some reason ghosts and the devil seems to go hand in hand. A ghost story gains stature if you were having a seance, or maybe playing with a oui-ja board before hand. These tools of dubious effectiveness are often assumed to have at least a little influence in seeing something paranormal. For some reason people still believe that devices will illicit connection to the spirit world and so if you preface your story with 'me and some friends were playing with a deck of Tarot cards one night...' Your story will have 7% more credence.

5. - Did you hear that? - I touched on this with the first element. It's important to verify any ghost sighting with someone else to establish a witness. Never say what you heard right off, let them say that so you can agree with it. That way 2 of you have heard something otherworldly. Open ended statements like 'Is it just me, or did it get colder in here?','Can you hear something?'. On a side note, this is also a very good way to cover up intestinal distress...'I think I heard something.'

4. EVP - Electronic Voice Phenomenon is those ghosts trying to talk to you. People have figured that Ghosts are trying to talk to us so as early as Thomas Edison there have been inventions to capture ghosts talking. What do they have to say? oh, lots of things like 'get out' and 'baloney' and 'your ratings suck' Actually it appears that whatever they are trying to say is insignificant compared to what you think they said. Go back to the old family tape recordings and you'll hear all kinds of background noise. Isolate any of those noises and play with the speed and the frequency of the sound and eventually you'll hear aunt Tilley saying 'meatloaf' just to be part of the family reunion. People LOVE these! and they add a lot to your story.

3. - Ghost cams! - Even more than EVP's people really love seeing things on camera's. Since ghosts themselves don't like to show up on camera very often, we have a new video phenomenon called ORBS. These are little balls of UNEXPLAINED light that float around in the picture. Take a series of pictures anywhere with a digital camera and look at it on your computer. Surprise, you'll find some little orbs in there somewhere in one or two of the pictures. These are ghosts because they could not be anything else. Of course if you can actually film a real ghost doing something like flipping you off that would be even more convincing.

2. - Temperature readings - Ghosts need power to operate just like we do. Since they can't eat or get fat, they have to take the power directly out of the air. When a ghost is getting ready to manifest itself, you'll feel the area around you getting colder as the ghost in question saps the area of energy. Get some thermal readings of actual temperature around you and there is EVIDENCE. If it gets colder around you. It MUST BE A GHOST!

1.- Have a prop - I used to have a haunted TV. It was freaky. You would be watching TV and all of the sudden it would start changing channels and then it would stop on some other channel. Sometimes it would re-scan the channels or turn the TV off all together. I don't know what departed individual decided to use my TV as a conduit to the living, but it was really annoying. Oddly enough, once they stopped construction down the street, my TV stopped being haunted. So if I am telling a good ghost story while in the area of this TV, it might suddenly turn on or change channels and EVERYTHING would be immediately verified as true.

I'm not saying that any of these things prove or disprove the existence of spirits. I'm saying that if you want someone to believe you about ghosts, you should use some of these things to help you. This list is by no means exhaustive but try some out the next time you are out by a camp fire.

10 Things that will NEVER be fair

2011-12-31T23:23:00.000-08:00

Fair, what a concept. First I think it would be fair to go over a couple of definitions of fair. The definition of fair is behavior in accordance with the rules. The popular definition is that all will be treated the same way in the same manner. In that way, I'll list a few things that just aren't fair.

10. Life - Ok, lets just get this one out of the way first. This has been said by parents to children since time began. The consistent reply to every young persons wail of 'That's not fair!' Nothing about life is fair, and yet life follows cause and effect and we must deal with it as best we can. Everything else that follows is defacto contained within life, but we hear this one so often that I had to mention it.

9. Talent - I'm good at a few things but I'm not great at any of them. I can not think of one thing that I am better at than anyone I know. I know other people that are very likely better than anyone THEY know at certain things. After a while I came to realize that there is really no such thing as Talent. Instead there is interest and drive. If you work at anything long and hard enough then you will be as good as you can be at that thing. It may not be possible that you can be the best ever at anything. Some other people may have better faculties to expand their interests further than you can. So if they work at it just as long as you do, they will be better when the limits of your mind and body have been met. No fair. I have to take solace in the fact that no matter what it is you are good at, there is only one person on the earth at any one time that can be the BEST at it. Out of billions of people, it COULD be you, but it probably isn't.

8. Luck - Lady luck is a capricious wench. I have considered myself both lucky and unlucky as most have. I think for some reason this is more about how you view the circumstances of your life. When I look at things on an piece by piece basis I think I'm not lucky at all. If there is a random element in a game that will determine if I win or lose, I will more often remember the times that things didn't pan out for me. I still believe that the distribution of random numbers is still statistically straight and all things even out. On the other hand on a more macro basis I consider myself very lucky,. I have a great family, I have a great job, I live within my means and I have hobbies I enjoy and am able to do (this blog among them). How much more lucky do I need to be?! No fair indeed. Have you ever noticed that not only is Luck a lady, but it's a Lady that sings when everything is over? hmmm...

7. Produce. - This little game we play at the Grocery store is pretty interesting. When we pick out fruits and vegetables we look at the color, we poke and prod and we try to find the best bits that are available, but the skin of the fruit doesn't necessarily tell us if its good. Sometimes you get the best looking apple that is just pithy and sour. No fair!

6. Technology - This is a horribly unfair thing in life that has really only afflicted us with it's crooked dealings recently. It seems that every time we buy and learn new technology it gets replaced with something 'better'. The one I had, well that's no longer really useful at all. Even though 3 years ago it was the peak of it's advancement. Just once I'd like to be able to use some technology until it wears out instead of have to replace it because it's simply no longer useful. No fair!

5. People - We are taught from a young age to share and play fair for the most part. The truth is, people are inherently unfair in their tastes. Lets look at pop music v.s. any specific music that you tend to like. Pop music is universally decried as crap by people and yet it is what sells the most. Meanwhile the 'good' music you like is there only because of the bullheadedness of the artists. Of course we are talking about individual taste. On a more difficult note people often lie cheat and steal. It's who we are. We are unfair. Hopefully, we try individually to be more fair and thereby make the world a little better place.

4. Traffic Fines - This isn't universal, but Traffic tickets don't really seem to be fair at several points during their application. Depending on the infraction it seems that the law is being applied unfairly at the start. Some people always get the ticket and some people get out of the ticket. Then you get this arbitrary fee based on your infraction based on the city you are in. This is not fair because the money you need to pay may or may not be a deterrent to the law you've broken. Lets take speeding. I speed. You speed. We all speed. Some people don't and they usually clog traffic with their constant law adherence. When we get a ticket the fee will remain the same for everyone that broke the law. Well if I'm a millionaire paying a 250$ fine is not much more than an annoyance. If i'm a single mother of 4, that ticket is going to really hurt. So what we are saying by our traffic penalties is that we want to keep the poor safe? I guess that's noble, though inadvertently so. Some states and countries actually make your speeding ticket a percentage of your income. now THAT would hurt in the same fashion no matter who you are. But it's still no fair.

3. Cellphones - These aren't fair to people with fat fingers.

2. Rebates - I hate rebates, they are very unfair. For those of you that have shopping done for you, a rebate is a way to discount a product, but not really. You buy something at full price and then you take the rebate certificate and study it. After careful study, you will find that you need Proof of purchase as well as your receipt (another proof of purchase) and a picture of the store that you bought it from. A picture of you opening the product so we can see that it was used and not resold on ebay. A link to ebay with that item at the time you sent in the rebate showing that you didn't sell the item on ebay. A ridiculously large manila envelope with environmentally friendly adhesive in which to post all of these items. THEN, send all of these things in to the rebate fulfillment department that is usually somewhere in New Mexico postmarked no later than 15 days but not before 7 days from the date on your receipt. Between 4 and 20 weeks you can expect your rebate to be denied for some reason. The most likely reason being that they didn't want to pay it in the first place and now it's too late to try to get your money so you will hopefully give up. Otherwise, you will get your 4 dollar rebate on that crate of facial tissues.

1. Working for the man - If you are self employed, just think of this as a top 9 list. If you work for someone though, you should understand that as good as the company is that you are working for, they are paying you less than the money they make from your services. Sometimes a LOT less. There are those that would argue that since you have the security of a regular paycheck, you will accept less in payment. That would be true if your job were TRULY secure. The last 5 years have shown us that no job is particularly secure.

A new year dawns. I really can't believe I've written this blog for as long as I have, but reading the last couple of entries, it seems to be rather apparent. Keep reading! tell your friends! Thanks!!! And Happy New Year!

10 things Christmas Isn't

2011-12-15T07:29:00.000-08:00

Ho ho here we are again. A year has past and now we are quickly approaching the penultimate holiday of the year. For some reason I've always considered New Years to be a part of the prior year. That's probably just me or maybe it was just an excuse to use the word penultimate. As an adult, a lot of things change, certainly Christmas. This year I'm going to look at what Christmas probably isn't. Please note that this list is more of an observation of what Christmas isn't for a lot of people and not just me. These things do not necessarily fall in common with my own experience. I still like Christmas.

10. Genuine - Christmas is a lot like Disneyland. It's got a lot of attractive things about it that aren't really true. Since this whole list is about what X-mas isn't this would probably be obvious. But it's a little more than that. When you are a kid, Christmas is a different place all together. It's full of delights both vulgar and sublime. As you become an adult, you realize that Christmas has sold out to everything everywhere. It's used as the shill to get you to part with some of your hard earned cash. It started with Coke and that new fangled Santa Clause that we now see as the advertising icon of the Holiday. But it's more than that. I don't think there is a Christmas carol that hasn't been re purposed for the sale of goods and services. I don't blame people for trying to make a buck, but still.

9. Charitable - Ok Mark, now you're just being snarky. Christmas is the most charitable time of year! Yes it is, but with that it becomes the least. You see. Once again there are times that we encouraged to give and donate through some money grubbing enterprise that would like you to remember them and their product as you donate. Even under the guise of giving to the needy we give our money to those who are looking to profit from the season. There are areas of Christmas that appear to be charitable, but really should be all year round and not just for Christmas. Look at it this way, there are people that are chronically hungry all year round. Giving them a feast on Christmas might not be as charitable as giving them a sandwich over a longer period of time. On this wise, I would point out my own wife, who is one of the most charitable people I know. Her willingness to help is extraordinary. My willingness to help is usually much more pedestrian unfortunately.

8. A particularly happy time for people - I remember hearing that there are more suicides around the holidays. I don't really know if that's true and I don't really care. I do know that for many people, the holidays just underscore their loneliness. Now lets turn to the family. If you are an adult at Christmas, it's a time that increases pressure for you to either go into debt, or find extra funds for the holidays. Charity and warm feelings don't grow on trees you know. Bottom line, it takes effort to be happy. Happy doesn't just happen to you. If you don't go to the trouble, you probably won't be happy. The season doesn't really matter, it just accentuates it. Not really my own feeling, I still like it, I just know it's out there.

7. WARM - Unless you live in the southern hemisphere, Christmas means cold. It is the solstice after all. Now if you are giddy and all into the holiday, you actually welcome the cold, it's fun and it reminds you that Christmas is coming and all the fun that it is! Or it just reminds you that things are going to get a lot more cold before they get warmer. This isn't a bad thing as you approach the equator. I remember living in Arkansas and sure it would get colder, but it wasn't a big deal. You just hoped it was cold enough to stop school from molding your brain for just one day. This of course holds no weight at all in Australia, New Zealand, or South Africa. It's probably the hottest time of the year for them. Which just adds to the weirdness.

6. Productive - The effort you put into your holiday is usually subtracted from the amount of effort you put into work. This isn't always true. Some people don't have the luxury to relax their productive intensity during the holiday, but it does seem the month of longer lunches, extended time off and office slacking in general. This time of year is really less productive because the time that you normally would spend on the projects of your life, you are now spending in merriment. Now before I get the arguments of 'hey what's wrong with a little merriment?' Heaven knows that I'm the first to make that argument. I'm simply saying that Christmas is not really a time of great productivity not only because of the holiday, but because when it gets cold we get less motivated to move.

5. An entitlement program - The meaning of Christmas is not to become an entitlement program. What I mean by this is when kids say things like 'Well if you get me that, that can be my Christmas'. This presupposes that they not only will be getting something, but it needs to be within a certain range of value. Christmas spirit could not be further from that sentiment. I will refer you to my gift giving blog entry for more of an idea of what gift giving is about in my opinion.

4. Peaceful - We wish peace, but with all of the extra things that are happening in our lives, there is likely not a less peaceful time of year. If you doubt my supposition, just go hang out at a Walmart on black Friday. The 4 horsemen wouldn't go in there. They would put off Armageddon to some time in February.

3. A Surprise - As Children, Christmas is a time of surprise overload. everything is strange and awesome. As an adult you understand that someone has to set up those surprises. That realization is at it's most stark when you are building your kids first bike and you flashback to the first BIG gift you got from Santa (mom and dad) and why mom and dad seemed to be so tired. It all makes sense but you wouldn't trade any of it. Besides. there are really very few surprises that are welcome as an adult.

2. Helpful for weight loss - Man people on a diet are a noisy whining bunch. So if you are on a diet like I am, you look forward to Christmas with dread and excitement. I don't fool myself into thinking that I will be staying on my diet during the holidays. On the other hand, I don't want to loose the ground that I've gained through diligent caloric concentration. Nothing that is created as a holiday treat is good for you. If it is good for you, it sucks. The meals around Christmas are more or less Thanksgiving minus. This doesn't bring into account the people dropping off holiday goodies for you to eat as well. No wonder Santa looks the way he does. I guess nobody claims Christmas is helpful for weight loss, but sometimes it's hard to come up with 10 things.

1. It's not the actual Birthday Of Jesus - Now I don't know this for CERTAIN, but since the holiday itself was a nod to pagans I would assume that the actual birthday came about at a different time. For some people this is a really big deal, so I will not mention the MANY dates that are attributed to Jesus' birth and there are a bunch of them. I will only say that the Christmas card with the camels walking across a snow covered desert might not have been accurate on several counts.

Don't get me wrong, Christmas is still a lot of fun and I love the holiday. Just trying to come up with something different for the holidays.

As a special holiday gift to you:

Sometimes the best thing about Christmas is goofy kids.

I wish all the best of the season and a happy new year.

10 ways to utilize pancakes

2011-12-01T04:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not a fan of Pancakes. I am, on the other hand, a fan of crepes. Pretentious? possibly. Elitist? Maybe. For some reason I just don't like how puffy Pancakes are. I can't eat more than 2. Crepes on the other hand I could eat for a really long time. YUMMMMM. They are the same you say? Clearly not. But I don't mean to malign the poor pancake. There are many uses for them. Wait, I've got 10 right here!

10. Concrete patch. - Yeah, the weather can be trouble. Especially when you are in a temperate zone. All that hot and cold going on really plays hob with the concrete and asphalt. It's only a matter of time before potholes show up. Whip up a batch of Pancakes and Bingo! Smooooooth Drivin.

9. Frisbee - How could this not happen? Easy to throw, easy to catch, doesn't hurt if you miss and it hits you in the head.

8. Simulated Eclipse - Hold up that bready breakfast against the sun and you can see the corona. Perfect for picture taking. Afterward add maple syrup and your corona block becomes a filling snack.

7. Movie Manhole Cover - Remember in Superman II? Those wierd disco clad goons from the negative zone broke out (thanks to an errant nuclear blast) to terrorize earth? In one scene the bad chick (Ursula) chucked a manhole cover at Supes (The Late Christopher Reeves) and he got plowed. Of course that cover wasn't real. It was probably Styrofoam. Well, pancakes are more biodegradable.

6. Invading Pancakes! - Speaking of movies. apparently MOST sightings of UFO phenomenon are in fact linked to fraud. GASP! I really find that hard to believe. But if you want to pile on. Spray paint a pancake silver and chuck it while your friend takes a few pictures. It will be so organic looking that all the fancy computerized analysis will not know what to think! Congratulations, you have perpetrated the first flapjack based fraud.

5. Oil Spill? No Problem - Have you noticed that pancakes don't let syrup pour over it until it is completely saturated? I rest my case. Those pancakes on TV don't count. A. that's not really syrup, B. Those aren't really pancakes.

4. Coasters! - Unsightly rings on that coffee table be gone! whip up a batch of smallish pancakes and laminate em! Well I'm sure you could make something like that out of some resin. But in a pinch...maybe? I guess not.

3.Cheap dinner meal. - So you've got a bunch of people coming over? Whip up a batch of pancakes and bang. They will be full in moments and you will not have to part with much green. Unless of course you are offering REAL maple syrup. YIKES that is some expensive stuff. Of course you could just go with the traditional pancake for dinner...pizza!

2. Makeup for those fearing age. - Everyone talks about pancake makeup. I've never actually been exposed to much makeup. So after doing some research, a pancake makeup is a foundation that covers like a coat of paint and is used for covering blemishes and more importantly Tattoos! consequently it is completely NOT edible.

1. A serving plate for Bacon - Bacon is one of the great meats ever to be found in nature. I'll probably come up with a bacon themed blog. Many times pancakes are the bridesmaid to this meaty bride, and ever would it be so. so how about a plate that looks like a pancake that you put your bacon on? Perfect.

It has become obvious that this blog is getting harder to write.

See ya in 15.

10 tips for successful dieting

2011-11-16T06:25:00.000-08:00

*sigh* I must be running out of material. I'm sure some of you have said this several episodes ago. I found a website that does top ten lists. It's sad really. I didn't think that I was the only one, but I thought that it was kind of unique with my own spin. The site I found has many many top ten lists and most of them are pretty funny (the ones I read anyway). I decided that I don't really do this for any other reason except to give myself a place to put my thoughts down, but thanks for reading!

Anyway, The sigh up there wasn't for that, it was for the fact that I'm on a diet. yes, a diet. Now before you run away, this particular blog entry is about my own anecdotal experience with dieting. I don't mean to convert anyone to anything, I don't really want to do anything but tell everyone the things I realized in the course of my dieting. I've got several weeks to go before I hit my 'target' weight, which in my opinion is way too light, but I'm trying to hit it so I can say that I'm not a part of the nation's obesity problem, which apparently I currently am.

10. Give up - You have to really give up when you go on a diet. You have to stop dreaming about what you are going to do when you finally get out of this self imposed concentration camp. I've got news for you. You will never leave. Not if you do it right. You see, what got you to this place is what you where doing before. Once you decide to go on a diet, you have to give up on your old eating life. At least give up on it until you decide it's ok if you check out of life. There are some people that will tell you things like 'I don't even like the taste of sugar or fat anymore, I can't stand it'. Yeah right, that's great for that person. I like all of my sweet foods as well as my fatty salty foods. They are my friends and I miss them.

9. Give yourself a day off - Everyone needs a day off from whatever they do all the time. Diets are no different. If you are solid on your diet and you are following it by the letter, you need to give yourself a break. My own rule? When I'm on vacation, I'm on vacation from everything. Once every 2 weeks or so I give myself a day that I don't count and don't care. Here is what I've found. While I still like my crappy food, I actually like less of it. I started to remember the difference between empty, full, and what I was doing. It re-affirms that you are in fact going in the right direction. I wouldn't start this until you are at least 1 month into your diet routine.

8. It's all about the calories - I'm trying to lose weight here. That's my goal. There is but 1 way to do this and ONLY one. I'm sorry. ALL of the other diets that have names or gimmicks or special devices or any other nonsense are exactly that nonsense. The only way to lose weight without medical intervention is to take in fewer calories than you burn. Fat? Sugars? Protein? Starch? WHAT? It doesn't matter. A calorie isn't made of anything, it's a measurement. If you go to Europe they have kilo-calories, which sound like some kind of supervillian's way of terrorizing a fat farm. A Kilo-calorie is the same as an American calorie. So a calorie is the amount of energy it takes to raise one gram of water 1 degree C. OR, it's 4.186 Joules. Ok, I'm getting WAY off track. My point is, it doesn't matter what you eat, it only matters that you eat less of it. Yes I know that some foods are more healthy for you etc, and that's all fine and well, but calories from fat are the same as calories from anywhere else. Here is the trick. Types of foods will fill you up easier and probably be better for you. Ok, that's cool. Protein is really good about calories. My personal favorite is a bowl of shrimp. it's pretty cost effective on the calories and it fills you up. Eat only shrimp and you will probably be in trouble. So eat some greens as well. Little bit of bread is yummy. Just count the calories and stop when you should be done. Individual results may vary.

7. Exercise, or don't - As I said before, it's about the calories, not about the exercise. If you like exercising, knock yourself out, I hear it's good for you. If you watch 5 minutes of that Biggest loser show, seems like that's all they do is beat themselves up and eat next to nothing. Well, what I've found personally is that when I exercise, I tend to be more hungry and I will more than make up the calories I 'earned' during exercise because my body will tell me I'm hungry. If I don't exercise, I don't have have that spike of hunger and I find it easier. What I'm saying is, you don't need it to lose weight, but you might need it for good health.

6. Have a target in mind. - Don't beat yourself up for nothing. Have a goal in mind. My own goal is based on my BMI, which is horribly unfair to tall people. Once I get there, my diet is not over, but I will start eating to maintain my weight not lose it. I won't actually gain that many calories per day, but honestly, by the time I get to my goal weight, I will have been doing this for so long that I will feel like it's a great deal.

5. Say goodbye to your friends - When you diet, the first thing you start seeing is that your friends that you used to go to lunch with are still going to lunch; without you. They understand, and they don't hold it against you, but you are going to have to not go to lunch with them most of the time. It's sad, I know, but it's a part of the problem. You see, I love going out to lunch. Not for the lunch really, but for the company. I can test out some new jokes, I can get the latest on the insurance we all hate or the customer that we all have problems with. It's a great time. Oh, and I eat more food than I really wanted to, happens every time. It doesn't help that some places we go have adopted Soup's penchant for calling one block of food from their menu 2 servings. That sucks. you get fooled into thinking that you are only eating x calories, when it is really x times 2. I don't really think it's cool to go into a restaurant and not eat so instead I eat my soup at my desk.

4. Expect to be ripped off - There will be times when you have to go out to eat and unless you live in California, you will have no idea what the food you just ate is worth. When I say worth I say worth in terms of calories not in terms of money. Money means nothing to a dieter. If we can find a healthy alternative to really good ice cream we will pay quite a bit more because it's 'cheap'. So the calories you just ate? yeah, you thought they were around, say, 600 calories. nope, 1100. That's right. 500 more kilo-cals than you thought. I HATE that. What a rip off. if I would have known that, I would NEVER have eaten that. Well, too bad. you did, so lump it. you got ripped off. On the other hand, the meal was 2 for one on a coupon. yay.

3. Be ready for the love - By the love what I mean is people telling you things like 'You don't need to diet' and 'well you don't need to go this far' etc. They are telling you how jealous they are of your will power. It's the same reason they keep inviting you to lunch. They would like to see you break character. (once in a while is good though. see number 9). You will really know you are getting things done when people you don't even know that well in the office ask you your name and you've been there for 3 years. sweeeeeet.

2. Patience! For Cryin Out Loud! - if you are doing it right, it takes a LONG time. 1-2 lbs per week is pretty good. that's what I'm trying to stick to. From what I'm given to understand, that rate is enough to keep your body liking the idea. if you crash diet and lose a ton, you are probably not losing that in the right places AND you are probably making some other tradeoff's that you won't like. Slow and steady wins this race. It took a while to put that extra weight on. Unfortunately, it will take a while before you start seeing results. We don't like that so much. You'll feel like you are starving yourself and you still look about the same. Well take heart, if you keep on it, you will lose weight.

1. Remember where you were. - Before you were dieting, you were living the good life. You were mostly short of breath, clothes didn't fit right, and you preferred smaller mirrors, but you got to eat whatever you wanted to and it was GREAT. Now you breathe easier because you aren't carrying around 40 lbs of luggage around with you, you fit into stuff you thought you'd never look at again and you look at yourself and think 'is that really me?' BUT you don't quite eat like you used to all the time, just once in a while. Well, if you don't keep track and stay balanced, you may find yourself going back to where you were. Just remember when you are eating that second helping of seconds of chocolate silk pie, there is other stuff that comes with it and maybe more. Plan your eating and you'll do it for a long time!

I didn't tell you my technique for losing weight. it's a website called www.myfitnesspal.com and I just log my calories every day. I do a few other things and if you're really interested, you can email me or whatever and I'll tell you. I think it works for me, but I can't say what it will do for you. I can confirm that it does not give you super powers, but you might feel pretty good about things. See you in 15 days!

Top 10 tips for giving good gifts.

2011-11-01T06:26:00.000-07:00

So the holidays are rounding the corner and everyone would like to tell you what to buy or where to go to find something to buy. That's terrific. It helps the economy and is fun to do. How many of you, on the other hand, find that Christmas along with other gift giving holidays are more of a hassle than they are worth? The real question is. Do you give gifts outside of the holidays and birthdays? If so, then you are fine ignoring them or paying a small token of attention towards them. Otherwise, I'm afraid you are stuck. These are a few tips for giving good gifts that will at least SEEM thoughtful. If you are a cheap S.O.B. that doesn't give gifts because you are just too darn cheap, then read no further, there is nothing for you here.

10. Gift cards are for Grandparents and suckers - I'm not saying that Grandparents are suckers, I'm saying that it's ok for them to use gift cards. It's easy and it's better than trying to measure every gift for value and appropriateness to what has probably become a pretty large family. If you are not giving gift cards to grand-kids, then you had better be a manager giving them to employees because there is no other situation where a gift card is really appropriate unless the person you are giving it to is really in dire cash straits. The reason that gift cards are not terrific gifts is that people will tend to use them for necessities and not for memorable items that they can link to you so they will forget very quickly that you gave them anything at all.

9. Made by hand is made by heart - Why buy when you can make? You say you have no creative talent? You don't have the time? I'm sorry, good gift giving is all about time. This works particularly well if you are a child. The things you create are priceless and will probably be enjoyed for a long time if you are giving them to your parents. If you have a little skill in one area or another, why not exercise it? I had a friend that used to hand watercolor his Christmas cards. The card is lost, but I still remember it to this day.

8. It's the thought that counts - People often say that in response to someone prematurely apologizing for a gift being cheap or inconsequential. It really IS the thought that counts. Think of the person you are getting a gift for. Do you have a pet name or a common recurring joke that you share? You can't find a gift that is a symbol of that common bond? Or did you even think of it. Given 5 minutes of thought, you can probably come up with many remembrances that can be commemorated in a gift.

7. Get them something you would like - As a kid, this one irked me more than a little bit. If I get my friends something I like, I may not get it myself. You could hope vainly that maybe the kid wouldn't like what you got them and would graciously give it to you saying 'Thanks for the gift, but I want YOU to have it.' Never happens that way. This is a bit the opposite of number 8. Instead of noting a shared experience, you are showing more of yourself. So get them a book you love, or a movie that was very influential. It will give you something to talk about later. WARNING! This gift idea had the largest chance of being a re-gift or unappreciated! If you are way off the mark when it comes to your intended recipient, you may have the unfortunate effect of the gift being more memorable than who gave it. Ideally, you want a little of both.

6. What do you want? - This is a question often asked by parents of children to help them with the gift giving chore. Unfortunately if this question is asked enough times, it reinforces in children the idea that Birthdays and Christmas are in fact some kind of grand payday. It's not a time of thoughtfulness, it's a time of entitlement. Instead of asking what they want. Observe them in their natural habitat and figure it out.

5. Nuts to you! - Food is an ok gift when you are buying something for the 'man that has everything'. Perhaps he doesn't have a full stomach! Food makes a good introductory gift to neighbors. It's a pleasant exchange that does not require reciprocation but does not discourage it either. Alcohol is a step up from that, but make sure the intended recipients do in fact drink. otherwise you are giving them a great gift to give to someone else.

4. Oh, it's too much! - Unless you've won the lottery, it's probably not a great idea to give truly exorbitant gifts. It makes people a bit uncomfortable, because they really are not at all planning on giving you anything in the same level. Of course that's not the point, but still you want to be able to exchange gifts on even footing. This is naturally not a hard and fast rule. Especially if you are giving a gift to me ;)

3. Please...Be Generous - I could just as easily have called this FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. Sometimes people get married later in life and decide that in lieu of gifts they have a favorite charity to donate to. Don't think that you are getting the jump on anything by giving them the 'perfect' gift by any of the other points mentioned. They have given YOU a gift and told you exactly what they want. Some people will cross gifts off the list if you tell them exactly what you want because they want it to be a surprise. for the most part, surprises are rarely good.

2. You should have seen the look on your face! - Gag gifts are a lot of fun IF they are given in the right spirit. Lets take, for example, the fake lottery ticket that scratches to be a winner. Funny stuff, if you give it to someone that doesn't need money. Give it to someone that's fallen on hard times and thinks that their prayers have been answered and you have just given them false hope that you have to explain later. That's no gift.

1.The Perfect Gift - What's the perfect gift? Many times, it's something that strikes you at the wrong time but in the right place. It's something that you KNOW is perfect for a particular person but there isn't an occasion around which to give this gift. If it's someone you know and are close to, get it anyway and give it to them. There really is nothing more shocking than a great gift out of the blue. Especially if you aren't in the habit of doing so. Ultimately a perfect gift is something that someone wants but would never buy for themselves. It takes some figuring out, but once you find it, you will find that it's more enjoyable being the giver than the receiver.

This blog has been posted early enough that none of you have any excuse now! I'll be checking up on you in 15 days.

top 10 things ghosts might really be instead of ghosts

2011-10-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this entry because my other blog "Reasons why ghosts don't exist" is by far my most popular entry. I want to see if this will give it some competition.

The other thing is, it seems that any time you get really scared of something, it turns out to be nothing at all. And then you're scared of that. We are just a race of sissy's.

10. A low thumping noise - I've mentioned this before, but it's really true. A low thump at a certain frequency will make you automatically think there is someone else in the room. of course there isn't, but you will think they are and furthermore you will think they are up to no good. All you need is the right frequency. After that, it's easy.

9. Your overactive imagination - Me, alone, reading a book about UFO abductions/Ghosts/Bigfoot. Loch Ness Not so much since I was never anywhere near large bodies of water housing surviving plesiosaurs. Every creek in the house was someone looking to abduct me, I was sure of it. I would hunker down under my blanket and make a tunnel to breathe out of.

8. Do not take while operating heavy machinery - If you are taking some medications, it's possible that you will be inclined to see things. Including but not exclusively ghosts. You might see garden gnomes or gremlins as well. If you are on something, you shouldn't really believe your eyes.

7. But they said these were sleeping pills! - Kind of like above but in this case you might be seeing someone that has taken sleeping pills and is now in some state of zombification. Sleep walkers are just as creepy as ghosts. Even more so because they are REAL. That glassy stare. That vacant look. EEEEEEEK!

6. What time is it...HOLY CRAP! - If you are up really late and you are really tired, you will be able to start seeing things. It puts you out of the running for believable ghost story.

5. Just one more for the road - I swear 1/2 of the ghost stories start out with I drank 1 more for the road and then I started walking home. Then a woman approached me in old looking clothes. And the story continues from there any one of several.

4. I love sleep overs! - And so do ghost stories. Mass hallucinations? Mass Hysteria? It's all possible. If you were exposed to a bunch of 12 year old girls on a sleep over, you have probably been regaled with the tales of a ghost story or two at least.

3. Who left the TV on?!? - If you really don't think the TV is on and you wake up hearing it. it will FREAK YOU OUT. But it's just the TV. OR it's the ghosts watching TV because they are waiting for you to wake up.

2. Scientists trying to contact you from another dimension. - Hey, don't rule this out. Maybe the scientists are trying to contact you through a wormhole or dimensional doorway. Freaky. So don't be afraid, you are going to be advancing science!

1. What's family for? well I hope more than practical jokes! - I really wonder how many 'ghosts' are in fact your siblings trying to pull a halloween fast one on you. Hey, it happened to the brady bunch on several occasions.

top 10 excuses from kids.

2011-10-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

I have several theories about life. One of them is, if you have what you think is a really good idea. Look it up on the internet. If it really is a good idea, someone is already doing it and better than you would be doing it.

Another theory is that whatever experience I am having in life is actually a common experience with a lot of other people. I don't think people have really different experiences. Sure we are all different, but the truth is, in a particular region of the world many people live very similar lives.

I have teenagers now. It seems that this is a common thread that these teenagers will probably lie to you. Well, maybe not YOU, but other people's teenagers lie to them. Alright since they aren't very good at it, instead of calling it a lie. Lets call it teenager excuses. Excuses are like strategies in football or any other sport. If you go to a particular strategy too many times, your opponent will call you on it and you will pay the price. Any resemblance to excuses given by political leaders is PURELY coincidental.

10. This Traffic! - Traffic has been a time honored excuse ever since the invention of the wheel. Used once in a while it's the kind of thing that can happen to anyone. As a teenager you have to know that you really only get to use this excuse once.

9. I did my homework at school/I'm all caught up - Back in my day, you could say this and be relatively certain that you would not be called on it until your grades came back. Thanks to technology, parents are apprised of educational malfeasance nearly as soon as it occurs so your day of judgement comes a lot sooner. Parents that are even marginally on the ball will not let their kids get too far away from the mark.

8. I lost track of time. - Who hasn't done this? Kids are notoriously bad at tracking time. This may be semi-legitimate, but it's an important skill to learn. As you grow older, you start equating the amount of time it takes to execute certain activities. Thanks to this I have realized that it is impossible to do anything in 5 minutes that is worthwhile except maybe get the mail.

7. All the kids have problems with X - This is an interesting turn of play that the teen uses. Lets not make this about me, lets make this about the broad populous. If they could, they would take a lineup of murderers and con-men to be compared to. As it is, they only have the other meaty bell curve performers in class to size up to. This seems like a good defense and it is when you consider where they probably got it from. Remember saying: ' No parent would let their kid do that!' Well, add some spice and mix it and you get this one made for the kids.

6. I handed that in! - I could have sworn! Really! I know I handed that in! They figure that they got missed or otherwise omitted from the regular line up. I've used this one in my past. It never worked. At least 1/2 the time I didn't really know if I actually handed it in or not, but best to err on the side that makes me look better.

5. That teacher has it in for me - That teacher hates me, as do all educators that grade me in a sub-standard fashion. Anything is preferable to the alternative which is that maybe I don't care for studying. Maybe I don't like the teacher. Maybe I'm the problem. I don't like that option. The truth is, you have to work with all kinds of people including the people that you don't like. If you can work such that nobody can tell if you are working with someone you either like or dislike, then you are a professional.

4. I promise I won't ask for anything else - Wow, that's such a lousy promise. Usually proffered when the child knows there is a crescent roll's chance at Sunday dinner of getting whatever it is that they want. Parent's don't actually even hear this plea, except to possibly remark how much the child wants said object for use later for a birthday or Christmas.

3. Hackers got into my computer! - So you have found something of objectionable nature on a cell-phone or perhaps computer? Well clearly your little angel had nothing to do with it. It was that one group...um...yeah. that anonymous group. they got onto my computer and put those things there!!! I have no idea how or why! This wouldn't even make the cut if I hadn't seen a politician use the self same excuse. What are we teaching our children anyway?!

2. Not mine! - This is the denial that is most often heard in it's entirety after asking 'who's dishes are these that are left out?' The bad news is, one of your kids is lying. The good news is, it's only one of them. Of course you yourself might have forgotten to clean up your place, so be sure before hurling wild accusations about.

1. I forgot. - Leaders of countries down to the youngest child can use this old saw with near impunity. After all, who hasn't forgotten things from time to time? Who's to say you didn't this time? This is the hardest one for the parents to rebuff but a good answer that usually comes back is 'When the police asks me what I think the speed limit is and I say I forgot, it won't keep me from getting a ticket'

There it is. You may or may not have heard these. After another 15 days, it won't matter ;)

Top 10 ways George Lucas is a Jerk

2011-09-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, Ok, maybe he's not a JERK. I don't know him personally, but I am attached to one of his creations. You might have heard of it? Captain EO? No, of course it's Star Wars (Yes he DID do Captain EO as well). This was one of the seminal movies of my youth and I believe I am not alone. There are many who consider it an integral part of the entertainment past.

Anyway. What he created was a real gem. In it's original form, it was breathtaking. But over time he has proven one of my personal theories: Any geek/nerd given enough power will become a domineering overlord to all those within his sphere of influence. In fact I would not be surprised if he wanted this blog entry quashed except that it is so small and relatively unread that he might not care at all. might. Not all of my complaints listed will be his fault directly, but rather since it's his name primarily attached to the production, I will blame him either for instituting or for not stopping the following...

10. Jake Lloyd - The kid was just not a very good actor. The first movie to revisit the Star Wars franchise and young Jake was the best thing you could find? I heard people say 'Well Haley Joel Osmint was busy'. What, the young Haley the ONLY good child actor? This role is the beginning of a major character of 6 movies. Give it a little more thought than that.

9. Japanese Trade federation? - Sure there are only a few good accents you can put into a movie before they start getting silly. Add to that the fact that we've never heard actual aliens speak. But still. They sounded like a bad Jerry Lewis bit. I'm sure Japan is used to American movies slurring them left and right, but I thought it was kind of tacky.

8. Ewoks EEEECH - This was really the first problem I had with any of the movies. Star Wars was ground breaking. Empire Strikes back was amazing. Return or the Jedi was exciting, but those little care bears running around were bad news. First the idea that a bunch of little fuzz balls are going to fend off the empire and their increasingly clumsy storm troopers is just silly. It would be like pitting one of those South American tribes that has never seen civilization against the US army. It just wouldn't work. couple that with the fact that you already had a good bunch of characters to use in the Wookies. This move stunk of 'gimmie money' pure and simple.

7. NOOOOOOOOO! - Revenge of the Sith. A very dark movie. Fairly disturbing. and then toward the end of it...Some kind of strange 'homage' to Frankenstein that cresendo's with the newly christened Darth Vader half screaming 'NOOOOOOOOO'. Except it sounds pathetic. probably the idea. But honestly, was this the real point at which Anakin Realized he'd made a wrong turn? Not the killing of the younglings? ick. that whole scene went pear shaped because of that moan.

6. Jar Jar Binks - What the @&+$!p is this?! It's like Lucas was a huge fan of the Police Academy movies or something. I was such an apologist for the movie at the time that I had constructed a whole idea around which Jar Jar works. See if you like this. Jar Jar was another example of how the Force works. Just because he was untrained didn't mean he didn't have midichlorians (the bugs that transmit and respond to the Force). While he was naturally clumsy, everything seemed to always work out for him. It's an example of untamed Force in him. Nope, sorry, he was just meant to be a strange pidgin english goofball that only served to screw things up. Sigh...I liked my story better.

5. NOOOOOOOOO Again - This is actually what spurred this blog. You see. it's not enough that the first ill fated NOOOOOOOOO graced the movie in Revenge of the Sith. Now Lucas has gone back to one of the most poignant scenes in Return of the Jedi and inserted another NOOOOOOO as Darth Vader is turned back to the light side of the force. Completely un-necessary, and ruins another scene. I think it was put in to lend credence and continuity to Anakin's first NOOOOOOO.

4. Darth Vader in Love...ugh - Dear George Lucas. You made a great framework that will remain in our popular culture for the forseeable future. It will shape many things to come. Congratulations. That being said. have you ever been on a date? The love scenes that deal with the courtship between Anakin Skywalker and Queen Amidala are nothing if not vapid. If you are going to 'fix' anything, you could fix that...with a pair of scissors.

3. How many times are you going to release this thing?! - Lord of the Rings has done this as well. the multiple releases of the same movie that I've already purchased. What? You added some special effects to cover up for the production gaffes? great. was that every time? sheesh. how many times will I buy something I like? I can tell you right now, not THAT many times.

2. I've got a bad feeling about this - I think they should rename the latest Blu-ray release of the Star Wars saga to Star Wars...I've got a bad feeling about this. The line has been said in every movie. Unfortunately it's an obvious enough line that it sticks out like a sore thumb. It's even in the cartoons. I understand putting in a reference that ties all the movies together, but it's unnecessary and kind of cheesy.

1. Han shot FIRST! - My biggest gripe of the bunch. Han Solo was a scoundrel that was turned honorable. In order to do that, he has to be a scoundrel FIRST. But NOOOOOOOOOOO (see what I did there?) It seems that Han is such a hero that we have to make it so he killed Greedo in RESPONSE to Greedo's ill aimed blaster shot (at point blank range I might add. Not much of a bounty hunter if you ask me), missing Han and then getting his comeuppance. Edited, the whole thing is as clumsy as Jar Jar Binks and just as annoying. They should at least have an option in the Blu-Ray to allow Han Shoots first option on the view. Kind of like 'Include director commentary' But George Lucas can't possibly be wrong in this. It's his creation so he can ruin it if he likes.

That's enough Griping for 15 days, thanks for tuning in! I really do appreciate it!

10 things that make us uncomfortable

2011-09-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

One of the things I like to do in my blog is try to figure out what people are really like and what they think. When animals get uncomfortable, it's because they think they are going to die. So they get nervous and they become not very cuddly. When humans get uncomfortable, they show it in nervous laughter, sometimes they run, sometimes they get aggressive. In fact, we have a whole range of emotions to cover the different things that make us uncomfortable either physically or mentally. So here are a few of the things that make us uncomfortable.

10. Silence. - Nature hates a vacuum. Boy is that ever true. blank space, dead air. Whatever you call it. It's a silence that happens in the middle of a conversation that kills the rest of it. Sometimes it happens because someone has come clod-hopping in and said something like 'How about that Idiot Obama' to a group of NAACP boosters. Then the silence. Then the beatings. Other times we get it because everything that needed to be said on the subject has been said and nobody wants to venture to a new topic. This happens a lot on early dates.

9. Talking out of turn - It's not really that it's not your turn to talk, it's that it never should have been your turn to talk at all. You see. I've been accused of liking to hear myself talk. This is by people that I assume hate to hear themselves talk and then in a close second, me. Often the act of talking out of turn will in turn bring on number 10. It happens when you either talk over someone's story or try to dominate the conversation and then you say something ill informed. OFTEN followed by number 10.

8. TMI - Too Much Information. This is like talking out of turn, but instead it's providing more personal information than people are really comfortable hearing. It's usually done when people don't realize the amount of collective comfort that everyone has in the group.

7. Do you mind if I go Blue? - This happens to people that are used to the company of one sort of people (Truckers, Lumberjacks, Politicians). They find that the parlance that is not only accepted but expected is nothing of the sort with another group of people. This one can happen inadvertently when you go out to dinner with your office group and people let their hair down a bit. All of the sudden some people are not comfortable at all with the rough language that they would never dream would come out of the mouths of co-workers. So my advice? Don't swear in a group that you are new to. Yes, it's obvious, but maybe not. Also, understand that in some areas there are words or phrases that approach a gray area that you might not suspect. This would include talking about bodily functions.

6. Pardon ME! - Speaking of bodily functions. Very few things will take wind out of the room like if you break it. The wind that is. Yes, yes, I know, if it eats, it poops, and if it poops, it farts. But I promise, there are many groups of people that would rather sit silently ignoring the by-product of your sins of emission rather than acknowledge the broken breeze.

5. So when's the baby due? - I have another whole blog on questions that should never be asked. This fits nicely under the category of making other people uncomfortable. This is usually a mistake of youth, but most certainly not exclusive to it. Wrong questions or questions that are too probing will make all in the room squirm.

4. He sang solo, solo he's a base - This is an amazing bit of discomfort that happens when you hear someone singing in public. probably one of the scariest things that anyone can do that isn't potentially lethal. If you have ever been in the audience for someone that was not prepared to take the lead and you heard a series of bad notes you can almost hear everyone shifting in their seats.

3. The Gumball Machine - On a different note, you feel very uncomfortable when you see the red and blue lights of your local constabulary come on. The first thing you do is look at your speed and then check your registration. This only takes 1.3 seconds. After that you change lanes hoping he doesn't change with you. It really doesn't matter at this point if you were the target or not. You got ZINGED.

2. THUMP THUMP - After watching a bunch of ghost hunter type shows I was intrigued to find out that a certain low level vibration that can not be heard, CAN in fact be felt and it automatically puts you ill at ease. It got better when they did an experiment where they took an old house and put a vibration generator in a part of it and then brought in two groups of people to walk the house and give their impressions. One group the thumper was turned on, the other had nothing. The groups were then asked about their impressions of the house. No mention of ghosts or paranormal was a part of the experiment. nearly all of the people that were in the thump group reported that they felt like the house was haunted and that they had seen things. The other group felt like the house could use some fixing up. So bottom line, low frequency vibrations make you uncomfortable.

1. BOO! -I don't know about you, but when I get startled, especially when it's somewhere I'm not supposed to be startled. It makes me jumpy nearly all day after that. Just someone making a really loud noise in a place that you don't expect loud noises (like work) makes everyone uncomfortable for at least another hour.

Sure there are LOTS of things that make people uncomfortable, but I think these 10 are familiar to all. Thanks for reading!

top 10 US cities you'll find me if I'm in the Witness protection program.

2011-08-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

You watch enough movies, eventually you will see a movie about someone turning states evidence against his boss or other influential person. Once that person has given up the information, and the state determines that there is substantial risk of reprisal, the state will put them into witness protection. This means you get a new name, new social security, new job, new everything. You don't get to contact any friends, family or anything again because you will blow your cover and risk being identified by whomever you testified against. Of course you also get a new City. It will be a city you don't like to go to, or go in, so these are the cities you would find me in if I were to turn states evidence against someone of some power, and the reasons why.

10. New Orleans - The Big Sleazy. I'm not a drinker, but if I were I really don't think I'd like to live in New Orleans. Of the cities on my list, this one probably has the most specific culture. I have been there twice and both times I thought the town smelled like humid puke. I was fairly close to the french quarter, but that doesn't really change my perception. The only reason to visit is to get drunk or get your fortune told by a pretty cut quality fortune teller.

9. Toledo Ohio - I worked for a year one summer in Toledo Ohio. It's not that it's such a horrible city, but rather that there was nobody there. It's a burnt out shell of it's former glory, whatever that was. It's the home of glass as Owens Corning has substantial interests there. I got some lovely Christmas Tree glassware there. Don't forget Tony Paco's! Oh yeah, unless you watch 'classic' TV and more specifically MASH, you probably won't get that.

8. Honolulu Hawaii - What? Paradise on earth? Who would not want to live there?!? Me. I haven't ever visited, but I've never wanted to. I just can't get my head around the fact that if you are bored with all the sand and beach, you have nowhere to go without paying a pretty hefty plane ticket. Not that I go too many places. Probably a nice place to visit, but I would want to make sure I've got a return ticket. Who knows, maybe if I ever go I'll completely change my mind and pine away for my next trip to Hawaii.

7. Detroit Michigan - Motor City. Well, Burnout City is more like it. I've been several times and they try really hard to make some nice places, but it's just very industrial and really harsh. It doesn't help that I've mostly driven foreign cars. My view may be tainted by the fact that every time I've visited there it's rained horribly and I had to work and it just looks like factories as far as the eye can see.

6. Green Bay Wisconsin - Sorry either you are a Packers fan or you aren't. If you are, I'm sure it's a wonderful town. Living there would be like a party every day. Otherwise, eeesh.

5. Alaska - Home of the overall coldest temperatures in the States. I'm not a huge fan of extreme cold. There really aren't any cities there that aren't really cold. Plus I'm really not a 'rough 'n ready' Nature kind of guy. International Falls Minnesota actually holds the average cold record so I wouldn't want to be there either. 'Nuff Said.

4. Atlantic City - I'm a gambling fan. I really like it. I live close to Las Vegas and I've been a few times. Friendly people, lots of Casinos with differing rules so each player has lots of choices. Atlantic City. Grumpy people, Some casinos, and the rest of the city looks like 1979 Beirut. On top of that, if you are driving in, you are probably going to take the Toll Way. I'm already driving in to gamble. Do you honestly need me to pay driving there and back as well? Yes you can take the back roads, but it's like they are telling you 'we are gonna gig you at every turn'.

3. Pensacola Florida - Another city I've never been to. I'm basing this 'Don't wanna go' city on the fact that it DOES reside in Florida, home of one of my favorite entertainment spots (Orlando Florida), but it is SO far away, that people that live in that city get excited to go to Orlando because it's really a novelty to them. Otherwise I'm sure it's a lovely city.

2. New York , New York - The city so nice they named it twice! Yeah it's nice...and expensive. Not the MOST expensive by any means, but the thing I was never a big fan of was the overall attitude that I found there that New York is, in fact, the center of the Universe. Sure they have many diverse slices of life and it is a really big city, but it's not EVERYTHING. So the feds would probably plunk me in the middle of it in a little tiny apartment that costs more per month than 3 times my house and taxes are fan-tas-tic. If I get put there, maybe they will pay off my parking ticket from 1990.

1. Cleveland Ohio - The only city that I got mugged in. Granted it was a long time ago. It wasn't overly violent and the guy said thanks after I gave him my money. So, for some reason, it kind of tainted my view of the city. I've been back since. It's probably not a horrible city. But not that great in my book.

I'm sure some of you will say 'Hey Mark! I like (insert city here) ! Go ahead. There is no problem. In fact, you'll probably see me in that city, so you can come visit me. Just don't tell the mob!

10 Ways to be remembered by History

2011-08-01T07:27:00.000-07:00

Mortality. It's ever present shadow on our years start off as an observation but grows in stature and volume until you realize that you are not particularly special on a species wide basis and you will expire at some point. Usually it's when this realization hits in a large way that we start to think of some way to make our mark in history. The first understanding of this usually marks your first mid-life crisis. After that it probably varies.

Well, this is my list of ways to keep yourself on peoples minds long past your expiration date.

10. Commit Big Crime - Have you ever noticed that when you hear about a criminal, you never really notice the victim? there are a few exceptions to this, but not many. Lizzie Bordon? Who were her parents? What about Ted Bundy? Jack the Ripper? That's what I thought. Anyway, it seems that we have an amazing attention span for the big criminals. Big criminal's fame will outlast them for 3 lifespans, many times more, but they gotta be BIG. Pretty impressive. Not recommended.

9. Have Kids - Yes, I know, it seems trite, but the only way to continue on past this mortal coil is through your progeny. You pass your knowledge and experience to a child and they add their own. No matter how far the years throw your genes, a piece of you will continue on. Unfortunately, your name will only be known out to maybe the great grandparent (if you are lucky or you have grandchildren that are very OCD about genealogy). You may also get this effect possibly through organ donation.

8. write a book! (or a blog) - If you are a really good author, like say Homer. Your name will be around for a much longer time than the man behind the name. Take Homer for example. What kind of guy was he? Did he like beans and rice? or was he more of a mutton man? Who knows. But we know a lot about Ulysses and lots of other wild stuff. Stuff that still permeates our creative culture. Blogs of course may not be as permanent or as widely followed, but they will exist as long as there is electricity powering the storage units. Obviously I'm putting my historical recognition eggs in this particular basket.

7. Get elected to public office (large scale) - Well, to be honest, if you are a despotic dictator, you probably have a lot more going for you in the historical annals. Look at King Herod, Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler. Big names that are instantly recognizable. If you are lucky enough in politics you will be reincarnated as money. Look at Benjamin Franklin. Never a president and yet he graces our c-note. How's that for immortality?

6. Draw on a rock - Ok, nobody really knows who you are when you do this, however, if people find it, they may give you a new name and you'll be famous for a long time. If you happen to die such that your bones can be recovered from some strange site, you'll get a name and probably be shown in a museum for a long time to come. I'm not sure that it will have the same effect in this modern day, in fact, I think it may be illegal depending on the rock you want to scrawl on.

5. Invent something nobody can do without. - Oh yeah? Who invented the Wheel? Easy, his name was BC. He later was featured on a famous comic strip. But seriously Thomas Edison? Albert Einstein? Issac Newton? These guys' names will be around for a long long time. They invented or discovered stuff we use all the time. Once again, the average person doesn't know much about any of them, but nearly every kid remembers that Albert Einstein didn't do well in school and they cling desperately to this fact. On the other hand, I really don't know who invented the Clapper.

4. Predict the future - The worlds greatest fortune tellers have their names etched in histery. Get it? Hister? Histery? you don't? well then you aren't watching enough of the History Channel. Specifically about Nostradamus. He wrote a bunch of cryptic poems called quatrains that were supposed to predict the future. The problem is, there is no telling the future with them, only the past. It seems that people can only match events to the poems and not the other way around. Doesn't matter. Prophets of any sort get a pretty long draw in history. Noah? Moses? Pretty big names. You could say...start your own religion, that works pretty well too. Those names go on long IF your religion gets popular enough. Religion is the ultimate fortune teller anyway. All of them tell you the future results of current actions. Even extending to beyond the grave.

3. Compose some really good music - Seems like the classic music is the stuff that hangs around the longest. But honestly I think classic rock will be around just as long. People really know the names Bach, Beethoven, Brahms. Wait a minute, maybe you have to write music and have a name that starts with B. No, my bad, Tchaikovsky, Liszt, Mendelssohn. There are some others. Mozart of course was so famous he got his own movie. The rockers? Ozzy? How long will that name go on? pretty long I think. On the other hand I might just be riding the crazy train.

2. Be the first on a planet - Nearly everyone knows Adam. First guy on the planet and his wife Eve. First gal on the planet. Sure it's a little hard for you to do but others have done it. Look at Niel Armstrong. Not the same? well, true, I think you need to also start the populous of the planet. Not really likely on the moon is it? So we know it works, but it's probably not available to us. Maybe this is where the aliens help out.

1. create a good sized time capsule - Take the essence of your time on this planet and put it in a foot locker. SEAL IT UP TIGHT. Water tight and air tight. You don't want it to get mold or anything else. I would suggest a thumb drive with your best writings or websites, or maybe just an archive of your emails. pictures from your kids. physical pictures of you, your family etc. maybe some of the crap you got at the last convention you attended for business. Also some hairs so your DNA is in there as well. So then it's up to chance to see how long it takes to find this box and open it up. you make it for a few hundred years and assuming we are still on the planet, history will blip with your name long after you have turned to dust. If you have the right information on your thumb drive and they have the right technology to extract it (HUGE if's) you could be famous for the Renaissance of technology itself! WOW! I'll get right on that. Maybe next week. No, wait, I'm busy then. Well I'm gonna do it some day.

Thanks for tuning in! All you subscribers are famous to me. Not enough? Sorry, it's all I've got.

Top 10 Proverbial opposites

2011-07-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

As you grow up, you hear people use pithy little sayings to prove a point. As though alliteration or rhyme will lend credence to something that might not be able to stand on it's own merits. I would always tend to take these little bon-mots to their literal conclusion. 'Those who fail to plan, plan to fail' Well, that's not true. Because they aren't planning at all 'Well that's not the point mark' I know, I know, and still the phrase by itself is not true, you have to turn off a portion of your brain in order to make it true. I'm ok with that, I turn off my brain all the time. Especially when watching TV.

So here are several proverbs that 'prove' the opposite of the other one. Special thanks and kudos to my brother Mikey for helping me with this one.

1. Haste makes waste. - a stitch in time saves 9, The early bird catches the worm - Good things come to those who wait. - A ton of these time sayings. One begs to be deliberate. Another decries procrastination, The opposites tend to say patience is a virtue and that there is nothing wrong with being the first in line. Lets sum all of these into one less than clever saying. Don't waste your time you moron.

2. A leap of faith - Look before you leap. - A leap of faith is of course action based on no tactile reason. Look before you leap is the exact opposite. I would imagine one is better used in church and the other better used outside of church. The funny thing is, each phrase is VERY out of place outside of it's home turf.

3. Too many cooks spoil the broth - The more the merrier. - One really speaks to management and the other speaks to teamwork. They are not genuinely the opposite unless you take them out of their simplistic elements. The more managers the merrier? Hardly. Too many helpers spoils the yard work? Not unless it's your local high-school football team.

4. Penny wise Pound foolish - In for a penny, In for a Pound - Wow, these are opposites as well as British. I love the British. Aside from our rocky beginnings, I think we as American's don't have a better constant ally and friend as we do in our friends across the pond. So the first explains how people can be so tight with small money yet silly with larger sums. The other actually speaks more for following a small risk with a larger risk in order to save the smaller risk. Mostly I liked these together because they both have pounds. It really wouldn't sound good as penny wise euro foolish. etc.

5. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread - fortune favors the bold. - Fools don't know how dangerous something is but it seems that good fortune will follow them. I think fools get the short shrift a lot. Being a fool from time to time it often ends with consequences that are unfavorable. On the other hand, if it weren't for fools, a lot of things wouldn't get done.

6. 3rd time is a charm - Bad things comes in 3's. - wow, 3 this and 3 that. magic number 3 x 3. Best number ever 3 x 3 x 3 (There are lots of reasons, but I won't go into them) Bad things come in 3's? Is that because we like to count to 3? or because 2 is not enough and 4 is way too many? Not sure really. Seems like the 3rd time is a charm with bad things that's for sure.

7. A good beginning makes a good ending - all's well that ends well. - Planning v.s the ends justify the means. The other version of the first that I remember was in Mary Poppins. Well begun is half done. Same basic thing, start with planning and enthusiasm and you'll probably end things well. On the other hand, as long as the outcome is good, it doesn't matter what went into it. Kind of like sausage.

8. Out of the mouths of babes - Children should be seen and not heard. - The upshot of both of these phrases is, Kids talk too much. I can't count how many times I've seen something that kids have said be taken out of context or lied about all together. Jimmy Carter claimed his daughter said that the worlds biggest problem was Nuclear Proliferation. Now if she only knew what proliferation was, she would have had something going. More often than not, kids yammer on about things that matter to them but are largely unimportant. My dad really liked that latter of these two phrases. I always resented that when I was a kid. Now I find it is crafted from the purest gold.

9. A thing of beauty is a joy forever - Beauty is only skin deep. - One of our proverbs gives us advice to appreciate the beauty around us. The other tells us not to be vain or to judge people based on appearance. Of course this is in alignment with Judging a book by it's cover. If we mix the purpose of these proverbs we should understand that the beauty around us is but a facade and that the true beauty you can appreciate, you can appreciate forever.

10. This too shall pass - All good things must come to an end. - Wow two proverbs that say the same thing from opposite points of view. Like this blog. Good or bad, it's going to come to an end.

****** BONUS ENTRY! *******

11. Think outside the box - The simplest answer is usually the best one. - Bonus entry! I just find that proverbial thinking is often perverted by business. So one of the great business buzz phrases, thinking outside the box, should be put up against Occam's razor. The simplest answer is the best one. Age old enemy of blustering businesses everywhere. Good business on the other hand should think outside the box and re-consider Occam's razor.

Thanks for stopping by! Don't take any wooden nickels!

Top 10 scheister jobs

2011-07-01T08:41:00.000-07:00

Economy's still tough. We hear that it's getting better. This is a lot like hearing from your teen aged son that he's getting a D+ up from an F and you say 'Hey! Good Job!'. The prelude to that story tells itself and it's a sad tale indeed. So you still don't have work? Well have you tried just giving up? While you might need some extra cash, you can try these time honored traditions in separating money from fools. No, it's not real or honorable work, but think of it as a last resort list.

10. Will Work for food - You hold up a sign that says you will work for food. Of course you don't really want to WORK and you likely don't care about the FOOD either. So the translation of this sign should be Will LOITER for MONEY.

9. Busking - This is an actual bunch of hard work for the money. It's one step up from begging but twice as hard as actual performing. You come up with an act of some sort and you keep doing it over and over for whoever will watch. You provide a hat or a basket or something that people will put money in for their appreciation of the performance. It is usually with an instrument, but sometimes it's just someone in a goofy costume or a mime or a dancer. If you do it with a group and you aren't the best one, you won't make much. If you do it alone, people might not be inclined to give.

8. 3-card monte - sure it's against the law but you are out of work and that should be against the law right? (don't answer that). Also known as the shell game, there is a lot of variants but the point is this. a man throws 3 cards down on the table 2 are aces and one is a queen. follow the queen as the man throws the cards around. When he is done, you put your money in front of the card that has the queen. Then the man turns them over. if you are in front of the queen, you double your money. The guy running the scam has an accomplice in the crowd that bets a few times and wins and then goes his way. The first time he bets small and wins, the second time he bets big and wins big. If people bet with him, he loses big. Of course he's in on the game. If you put your money on the table you will not win. Don't even try. If you are on the dealer side of the table, you may win and at least you aren't dealing drugs or any number of things that are more harmful and illegal.

7. Recycle! - Collect all of those cans and bottles and turn em in! This only works in some states, but I remember as a kid collecting tin cans and submitting them for some change. It was my first experience with what you could do to make money. Wherever you are, the rules are different. some states don't really have much at all going on for a recycling program, other states have it all. Way to recycle Michigan. Your name adorns many cans and bottles.

6. Am I in the control group? - Sometimes you can submit to medical testing for many different things, drugs or treatments. You never know what it's going to be on the way in, but you'll make a few dollars or a lot of dollars depending on how rare a condition you have to have to qualify for the test. It's not like the movies, you won't get super powers, and you probably won't have any problems, but they are running the tests to make sure the treatment is effective and make sure that it doesn't react with different physiologies. On the other hand, you are a human guinea pig. That's why you get your greens.

5. I'm stuck here until I can get this car part - This is a twist on the will work for food. You walk around in a nice suit and look like a business dude. You tell your targets that you have no cash and your cards aren't working (Identity theft is a good excuse for this). Then you tell them the part (usually a 40 dollar part) and indicate that any cash will help. Sometimes you hold out the 25 or so dollars showing that you have almost made your goal like a mini telethon and their donation could help you reach your goal. If they buy the part for you, terrific, you can return it to the store later and get the full value. This is more of a con than a scam, and probably illegal, but it is creative.

4. I need food for my dog! - I witnessed this one personally. Another will work for food, but you hold on to a dog you got at the animal shelter and tug at the heartstrings of the passers by. The dog I saw was named Petey. Poor Petey. Maybe if the guy didn't get enough money to feed Petey, he'd just eat Petey. I hope he's doing o.k.

3. Sure I've got blood, Why? - Donating blood! A time honored fund raising tradition. Sure you can donate it, but why when you can get paid for it! It's the only thing that we can donate that we can get paid for. Everything else we donate has to be done out of the goodness of our kidneys. But now If you have a posthumous organ donors card, you can get the organ transfer paid for. Used to be that if you were a donor, your estate would have to pay for the harvesting of your organs. But not anymore. I had a friend that donated blood for money to use gambling. He won. What's the lesson there? Only Gamble with money you can afford to lose.

2. Search the lottery garbage - I read about this guy that found a big winner ticket in the garbage bin. That's amazing to me that you could throw away a winning ticket. Why bother playing if you aren't even going to check the numbers?!

1. Try out for Reality TV - Maybe you are good enough to be famous, or bad enough. Anyway, some of the ones that are bad get record contracts like that William Hung dude. Talk about falling into money, and for being more fearless than you are tone deaf. Amazing.

Hopefully work will find you soon, or perhaps a windfall will come your way.

10 Things I just don't get.

2011-06-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

I've never claimed to be the smartest guy on the planet. While this is not news, this is also a constant realization. Every day there is a new thing that exposes me as not that bright. One reason for this is there are too many things that are being invented and developed that I really don't care about NOW, but might later. This is a cop out though because I could take new tech out of the mix and I'm still finding that there is so many things I know very little about.

Don't get me wrong, there are things I do know. But it's pretty staggering to think that any person you meet will know something non-trivial that you don't know. How do I know this? I'm making assumptions. I assume that everyone's life experience is varied enough that there is probably vital knowledge inside everyone.

That all being said. There are some things that simply baffle me.

10. Smoking - To begin, I know a lot of people that smoke and I live in a place where not a lot of people smoke. I've heard it said that it's harder to quit smoking than nearly all hard drugs. I feel sorry for my friends that smoke because they don't really like it and they wish they didn't do it, but that horse has left the barn a long time ago. Ok, Turn the clock back. WAAAAAAY back. back to around say 1940. Back when goofy scientists were saying smoking might be good for weight loss or some such nonsense. Maybe we didn't have the information then that Smoking was slow death. So maybe it looked cool and that's why people did it. Now?!? 2011? We have so much information that says that smoking really might be one of the dumbest most expensive mistakes you will ever make. But people still pick it up. WHAT?!? This proves again that young people are idiots. Because you would really have to be an idiot to start this weird habit.

9. Just how big Avagadro's number really is - This is the number Avagadro built. it's 6.0221415x10^23 If you are in Chemistry, you know what a mole is. if you don't. I'm not going to spend this blog trying to explain what you couldn't learn in a semester of Chemistry. To put it in the most simple terms. it's a number of molecules in one gram of oxygen and yet so much more, anyway, that number is kind of big. I read that it's the same amount of elements as the amount of popcorn KERNELS covering the United States...9 miles deep. We don't have mountains 9 miles tall. Popcorn kernels. wow. that's a lot of Jiffypop (Unpopped of course).

8. Common Sense - I used to think that I was possessed of a brain that was similar to that of the average human being. The older I get, the more I realize that I'm only average among Americans and even then, not so much. I have to assume that everyone else feels this way. There are groups you fit in well with and groups you don't. So Common sense would dictate that it's information that everyone knows. One trip to the DMV and you would be hard pressed to think of what you have in common with the rest of the people in that line other than gas. So maybe It's not common at all, and maybe I don't have it.

7. Why do I believe in Luck? - I consider myself a fairly analytical thinker, I'm not really given to the flights of fancy that many people indulge in. I don't believe in luck, and yet if I'm playing a game that involves a random element, I find myself reaching for my 4 leaf clover. When I lose I blame bad luck. When I win, I think it is good luck. I don't believe in luck. I believe in statistics and standard deviations, not luck. But if I had a lucky charm I thought gave me luck. I would keep it. Until it wasn't lucky anymore, then it's bad luck. I like to win.

6. The Motion Picture Rating System - Jack Valenti is the founder of this venerated tradition. The semi-objective rating system for movies. It's gone through several changes through the years. I think it needs to go through one more change. Elimination. I have no idea why people look at this rating system like it is some kind of celluloid absolute. It isn't. This rating system seems to be as bought and sold as anything else in Hollywood. I think I would trust it more if I had an idea of the people judging any given movie. I know studios are given more leeway toward what they want and indie houses are not. It just bugs me I guess.

5. Reality TV - We already have the internet. The ultimate reality TV show. You can watch You-tube forever and see people making fools of themselves in front of a camera. Of course I would rather watch that than the 'Reality' shows on TV. The biggest reason is that on TV the shows are set up. They edit the good guys and bad guys on those shows so they are not at all who they are in REAL life. I like my TV written by writers and acted by actors. If I want real people, I'll go to work and listen to any number of the people that work there. They are pretty real AND I'm usually interested in their lives. Unlike TV-real people that don't interest me in the slightest.

4. The Soul - This is my philosophical meandering along the lines of Descartes. So we exist due to the fact that we recognize our own existence. That's kind of circular, but it kind of gets us closer. I would just like to know how is it that I can see through my eyes and see what I see and not any other eyes in the world? I can't really imagine not being able to be aware of my surroundings the way I currently am. When you die, do you maintain that same sense of self? I guess if you don't you won't care either. I'm not the first to be baffled by our own sense of self-awareness. I'm sure I won't be the last. It's one thing to know how the brain works. But how does the sense of self work? Baffling indeed.

3. The guy that drives super slow on the road - No, I'm not talking about the guy that drives the speed limit. I'm talking about Mr. 50 miles per hour in the 65 zone. Usually hanging out in the right lane, but sometimes he hangs around in the left as well. I don't know what kind of person this is that watches everyone roll by him and give him the evil eye. Is he that guy that just likes to piss people off? (I don't really understand them either). Or is he just super old and should be taken off the street. Or better yet, is he texting someone and he doesn't understand that you shouldn't do that while driving. so many possibilities.

2. Why do I get scared when I don't believe in ghosts? - This isn't like Luck. I really don't believe in ghosts. My most popular blog 10 reasons ghosts don't exist outline it pretty well. But if I'm home alone and watching some quasi-documentary on real ghost stories long enough and it's dark, I get spooked. I don't really expect anything to be in the dark when I look there, but still. It's creepy. Then I wake up the next morning and feel kind of silly.

1. Why does misery love company? - I only think some misery loves company. For the most part when I'm feeling miserable, I would just as soon talk to nobody. There is a certain level of misery that seems to appreciate company, but what if the company makes you even more miserable? It seems that we have more miserable people than ever. You only need to see all of the anti-depression medication adds on the TV. It's apparent that there are more of us than ever and yet more of us are miserable. I actually am not usually miserable. To the contrary I feel that I'm a fairly happy person.

So there it is. It's my Birthday some where during the month. I will mark the position of the earth relative to the sun when I was born. I'm not sure why it's important. I was pretty disappointed when I realized that a lot of other people probably shared my birthday. Now I'm ok with it.

No this is nowhere near the list, but it's the printable list and it's probably a changing list.

10 indicators that you probably shouldn't gamble.

2011-06-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

I've written blogs about gambling before. I love it. It's a lot of fun and the only form of entertainment where you have a chance of coming home with more money than you started with. You probably won't, but at least there is a chance.

Over the past few trips to my favorite gaming establishments I've realized that there are times when I (or anyone else) should simply not gamble.

10. You don't suffer fools well - Most gambling is a social event. You go with friends to make some wagers and laugh at loosing and cheer at winning. But if you gamble at all, you have had the experience of seeing that person wander to the table not knowing what they are doing and they are probably inebriated. This person starts to gamble and starts getting louder and more obnoxious. You start wishing for their financial demise, if not for the loss of their glittering conversation, then for the loss of the flowery bouquet of their aroma. At that point, you will find that that person will win and win and win. Probably making the dumbest mistakes in the game but then winning despite their ignorance. You hope even more that this putz will burn out. Nope, it doesn't happen. When you truly wish for someone to loose, you will find that it's really not any fun. You should pick up and move away. Don't go somewhere else and start gambling! Take a break, just stop. You start up again and if you start losing, you will blame your drunken acquaintance and you won't shake the bad feeling and that is not what you are there for. Give it a rest, come back fresh and start over.

9. You think the universe might have it in for you - This isn't just gambling, this is life. There are those that think the glass is half empty. Others think the glass is half full. As for myself, I think that the glass is the wrong size. If you believe you are an unlucky person, you will focus on your losses and assume that you are not lucky. If you believe you are lucky, you will focus on your wins and wonder why you don't have more money ;). If you think that your Karma is such that you don't deserve to win, you are right, you don't. Just stop right now.

8. You are good at math. - If you are at all good at math, you can figure out what the actual odds are of winning any of the individual games v.s. what they are actually paying you. You'll quickly find that there are no odds in the casino that are in your favor. There is one bet that is NOT in the houses favor, but it requires a bet that is. It's the Free Odds in Craps. The more you play on free odds only, the more slowly you give the house your money. So what keeps people coming? The fact that those odds are calculated over the long term. In the short term, you can win. People come home with those stories all the time. They don't tell you much about the rest of the times.

7. You are already in debt - Ok, so you are in the hole. If you are in Hollywood, you desperately bet what you have left on a horse whose name you saw in a hymnal at church the prior Sunday. Since this is obviously a sign from heaven, you feel like you just have to take the opportunity. If you're still in the movie, you're going to win. If you are in real life, maybe you will win. But you are in debt! you don't have money to RISK on a bad return. Don't go anywhere near a casino if you have bills to pay off. Besides. Gambling is no fun if you are worried about every dollar you have out.

6. You HATE to loose. - Ok, nobody likes to loose. But some people don't mind losing much. I take a pretty broad look at gambling. I've had times where I've been really mad about losing but came home with 50 dollars ahead. I had won 300 early in the night and lost it during the rest of the night. I really didn't like that. I came home even once and it was one of the best times I'd had. I lost 80 dollars and had one dollar in change left in my pocket. I won 5 dollars on a pull on a slot machine. and the rest of the night clawed my way back to even. I was thrilled. Also. Anyone that says you are getting money without earning it really hasn't gambled much. Any money you can get away with from a casino is pretty rare. If you just can't stand the thought of losing games you are designed to loose, you probably shouldn't play.

5. You HATE to see others win more than you - One of the strange factors of luck is if you are with someone that seems to always win. You don't understand it, but they just do. It's like they fall bass-ackwards into the pot of gold and you couldn't find lucky with a leash and a dog whistle. If you gamble with this person. You will loose and that person will win. If you are with a friend you really think could use an extra buck etc. That person will loose and you may win. You think this makes no sense or isn't true? You haven't been gambling. It is this bit of superstition that rears it's ugly head when you hear the tale of the father that takes his son to the door of the casino and says 'son I'll give you this dollar, or I'll put it in that slot machine over there and you could win more.' After thinking it over the boy decides to take the risk and the father then proceeds to put the dollar in the slot and win thus foiling his life lesson. It makes superstitious fools of us all.

4. You prefer goods and services to entertainment. - The ONLY way I look at gambling anymore is that I'm being entertained. I feel like it's the only form of entertainment where I might actually come home with more money in my pocked than I left. Let's see you do THAT with a night at Turn off the Dark. If you really need to feel that you've gotten something in exchange for your money, then don't gamble. It will never feel worth it.

3. You have a healthy sense of self loathing. - I've seen some people keep on risking more and more even though they EXPECT to loose. They aren't winning and they don't have any expectations to do so yet they keep going. They are just punishing themselves. That's it. If you want to feel punished. get on a good losing streak with a healthy dose of sleep deprivation.

2. You really can't stand buffet food. - Gambling and all you can eat buffet go together like Family Reunions and Salmonella. Buffets can be found at most casinos and are often given as a comp or a come on for frequent players. Lots of people like buffets. If you aren't one of those people, you will probably not enjoy some of the trappings of gambling.

1. You just don't feel lucky. - There is nothing like feeling unlucky. It's like you are a Svengali in reverse. You can tell that whatever you do, you will be on the losing end of things. Now, just a note, Dice and cards don't know who you are or how much you do or don't deserve to win money. They don't know when you are going to break even or if you are on a 'streak'. You on the other hand will link events together and assign some kind of interpretation to them and assume that they in turn link to some other event that determines if you deserve to win or not. I can't change this. It's what we do best as humans and it's what's responsible for some of our greatest achievements. Just remember. If you feel unlucky, you are. So stop until you feel lucky or at least neutral. You'll save yourself a couple of dollars.

There we are. It's summer time. Time for you to go out and get a vacation. I suspect that where Gas prices are now it could be a Vacation fairly close to home. See ya in 15 or so. (tell your friends, subscribe, thanks!)

Top 10 Stupid things said in a job interview

2011-05-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

The economy is tough. No doubt about it. But the truth is. Somewhere, everywhere, someone is looking for work in one fashion or another. In the course of your search for employ you must interview with your potential employer.

The interview is an interesting process. It is the method by which the company reconciles you to your resume. The fact that they are talking to you at all, says that either your resume is appropriate for the job offered, or you have friends in the company, or both. When an employer interviews you they are actually looking for a 'good feeling' about you. Do they feel like you will fit in? Do they feel like you have the skills necessary? Do they feel like you are a trouble maker? The questions they ask will help them determine these things.

The interview conversation should be thought of like a discussion with the police on TV. The smart person will answer the questions asked and offer nothing more. The open ended question like 'is there anything you want to ask me?' or 'why are you looking for work?' should be answered with something brief and innocuous. The following are things that have been heard in job interviews that shouldn't have been.

10. When is recess? - This actual phrase was said as a joke. ha, very droll. Clever quips during the interview process will likely do you more harm than good. Humor is a very personal thing and everyone has a different sense of it. Don't jeopardize your potential employment by saying goofy things. I've made this mistake a few times.

9. So how strict are the rules here? - In a different blog I mention the employee handbook as being very important. It is. Those are the rules and you should follow them. Asking about the strictness of the rules tells your employer that you really plan on bending them. This questions should never be asked because the answer will become self evident.

8. How many personal/vacation days do I get? - You are looking for a job. This is your primary objective. Everyone knows that you need vacation and sick time, but if you open with 'how much time off do you get ?'. It will put the impression in your employers head that you are really not going to be particularly interested in the actual company you are working for. The time to ask about the vacation arrangements is when they offer you a position. If it hasn't come up by then, it's time not only to see how much vacation time there is, but it is also time to negotiate your time off. I always ask for an extra 5 days of sick/personal time. It's easy to get because sick days are not reimbursed so if 'things don't work out' they don't have to pay you for those days.

7. Boy will I be glad to get away from my old job - Don't bad mouth your old employer until after you've got the job. even then, it's not a really good idea. you never know who has political ties to other businesses in the area. Your future boss's wife might be the one you had the biggest problems with at your prior job. Who knows? Even when you are employed, it's best to let bygones be bygones. I've had problems with this one as well because people like to talk about their prior battle wounds.

6. What's your sick policy like? - This falls under the personal days but it's a bit different. You are asking what the policy is. Whenever someone asks for chapter and verse on a companies disposition towards anything specific, it tells the employer that you are probably going to try to find the loophole so you can ultimately take advantage. Don't do it. Don't GAME the system. It will put you in bad with your managers as well as you co-workers. It will NOT make you Ferris.

5. Can I get paid in cash? - If you are an illegal alien. This might be important for you. It's also important for your employer to know. Also, trying to avoid tax garnishments or alimony obligations are not looked on favorably. Just assume that you will need to have a bank so you can be paid in the same way that everyone else is.

4. I have a side business, but it shouldn't interfere - If they ask you about other concerns, then go ahead and mention that you have a side thing selling khaki beany babies on Ebay. Otherwise, keep that information to yourself. It will taint their view of you and it's really not their business. On the other hand, you should understand that this is to be your primary method of employment and will supersede any other interests you may have in the event of a conflict.

3. My goals? Well I see myself with your job. - Looking overly ambitious only works with managers not directly involved in managing you. Your direct manager really doesn't want to hire someone that is gunning for his job unless he is ambitious as well and will need an heir to his position. This is nearly impossible to ascertain during the interview process so it's best to not show off any great ambitions. A good answer to the really silly question of 'where do you see yourself in 5 years' might be 'In 5 years I would hope to have expanded my skill-set such that I can take advantage of the best opportunities available'

2. I can whip em into shape - Don't pretend to be the great reformer unless they are asking you to do so. If a job wants you to 'whip a department into shape' That actually tells you more than they want you to know. It tells you that they have been unable to do this themselves and they have unruly employees. Ultimately you are dealing with a company that has management problems. If you take this position, you will be fighting with management. If you offer the above unsolicited, you are telling them that their management is probably ineffective. Nobody wants to hear that.

1. What was the question? - For goodness sake, PAY ATTENTION. Nothing is worse in an interview than looking disinterested or bored. You need to be on the edge of your chair and interested in everything that is being said. If you are off in your own world during an interview, you might as well kiss that potential job goodbye right there.

If you are looking for work, I hope you find employment soon. I think that we will be swinging back on the jobs front, but not as quickly and likely not the way we were used to before. Quality people are always in demand, so put your best foot forward and go get em!

Top 10 Things you can do after the destruction of the world

2011-04-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

Enough already. According to some wackos, the rapture has occurred. Other wackos say it will happen in May. All other normal people think it will happen later. If you are reading this, you are mostly evil. It's ok, so am I. Just in case God has more mercy than justice in his daily dose of Metamucil I wrote this in advance so maybe I'm just good enough. Yeah, I know, probably not. But you on the other hand are reading this, so you are definitely evil...Best to make a run on the asbestos jammies while you can. Soon we are going to have the end of the regular civilized world. The good news is you probably won't have to worry about working at that stupid boring consistent job. The bad news is the new hobbies you get won't really be a lot of fun unless you are a survivalist.

10. Read! - You've got time to read. lots and lots of time. Hopefully you still have some books written on paper. If not, you can trundle on down to your local library and grab a bunch. You don't really need to worry about checking books out since you're the only one around. You might want to read titles on how to survive a zombie apocalypse or growing a victory garden.

9. Hunt - Gotta get food, probably need to get meat. Cows are pretty easy to hunt, but they will not be widely available. You are going to probably need to hone this skill the longer you live in a post-civilized world. Remember that library? They have some books on hunting and trapping.

8. Watch all those dvd's you bought - We see a movie. We love a movie. We buy a movie. We never watch it again. This is the natural order of man. For some reason we don't want to watch things we have purchased UNLESS they come on TV. Well, now nothing is coming on TV so you can actually make all those DVD purchases pay off!

7. Horde Batteries - Post civilization will mean post organized power. Fortunately there will be THOUSANDS of batteries. you just have to find them. Here is a word of advice. When you find batteries. Be organized in your hoarding. Collect them all in an orderly fashion. Don't grab them like a starving man at a Vegas Buffet. Collect them all and calmly carry them to your stronghold where you will hide them so the traveling looters won't find them.

6. Collect Textbooks - Funny thing about library's, they won't have textbooks. That's for schools. Here is the thing. Textbooks are more like basic instructions for everything we know. They write new ones every year to accommodate the new information garnered in that year. Well that won't really be a problem. You'll want to have the basic building block of education at your disposal. They will become useful.

5. Develop your own language - Nature of language is that it changes regionally. Only due to grammar Nazi's does the decay of language slow at all. If you and your little group of people live with little exposure to anything outside of that group. Your language will change into something uniquely your own. after 100 years or so you'll have a pidgin version of your language. After 200 years you will have a completely new language loosely based on English which is of course loosely based on many languages that went before it. Maybe by some quirk of fate it will loop around and eventually become Greek.

4. Visit Zombie Disneyland - After the end of days, all the cool places you used to visit will become weird hangouts of 'zombies'. Ok, they PROBABLY won't be zombies, but everyone that isn't in your clan will end up being the same as zombies. None of the rides will be operational at Zombie Disneyland, people will live in the different rides. I imagine the hot real estate would be the Jungle Cruise, the Indiana Jones ride, The Matterhorn (and it's 1/2 court basket ball court). It would be pretty cool.

3. Start romanticizing the 'Good ole Days' - If you didn't write a journal before, you should start one right after the world altering event. Was it a meteor? I forget. Anyway. You need to write down all of the things you remember about the life you once knew. That way your kids can read about all the crazy things you thought were real. The generations that appear after you have died will only believe about 1/2 of the things you wrote. Truth is, if you re-read what you wrote, you will only believe about 2/3 of what you wrote.

2. Finish those video games you played 1/2 way through. - So you have your propane generator, you have your pick of HD tv's you have all video game systems as well as games. You've got time. PLAY ON! Maybe in the new society, world conflicts will be decided by your proficiency at Super Mario Sunshine.

1. Make your own religion - Once again, you have lots of time. You might be able to put together a origin story. Might as well start with aliens. Oh wait. L. Ron Hubbard already did that. Anyway. you have to come up with a new origin and a new set of rules that this origin facilitates. You could of course continue on with the religion that you knew before, but the truth is, like language, religion decays and changes over time so weather or not you are starting with a new religion, you WILL end up with a new one. Knowing that, you might as well start fresh.

I hope this isn't my last blog. Actually I know it isn't because I have another one coming right after this one in about 15 days. Tell your evil friends!

Top 10 things that will get you hits on your website.

2011-04-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed with how my blog is doing. I look at the statistics all the time. I see which blogs were the most popular. I tell my wife who is kind enough to feign interest and tell me how admirable it is that I keep doing it (thanks honey!). I mention it to people I barely know with the hopes that they may start to read it and find something of use. There are of course real website people that know all of the things that will make their website more popular. They are in it for the money. That's different. I'm in it for the ego. I feel like when I see the daily hits (my record so far is 101) it's an indication that I'm alive and while my impact might be minimal, at least it is there.

How do I get more hits?! Well there are certain words that will make certain government agencies watch my website with some interest until they see that I'm just baiting them. Then it will go back down to about 50 hits a day. Some of these entries are the words that will help. Other entries are methods that will get you more hits.

10. President ________ - Mentioning the President of the United states will get you hits on your website by the federal agencies as well as campaign strategists and fans alike. Not many though. Every president that is elected will have a certain amount of people that very viscerally want to see that president dead. Will they try to kill the president? possibly. That's why you have to be on the lookout for the nut-cakes.

9. E-Entertainment - Ok. If you just keep a lookout for the most searched celebrity term and then put a mention of it on your blog page, you'll get a few hits. If you go to http://www.google.com/trends you can see what are the hot search terms of the moment. In deference to that, I am putting the term "Record Store Day" here right now so people will mistakenly run into my blog.

8. Assassination - Derived from the Greek which means Person with Ass for head should not exist in your country. Adding this word to your information will start turning on the real searchlights. The president by himself is not really a big deal. Adding this word will now get some people interested in your musings. They will probably look at your prior posts to see if you are dangerous or if you are just another crack pot.

7. Automated web robots - This method doesn't really feed my ego at all. You create a piece of code that will hit your website. You load that code at at web-cafe or library and it plunks your website. yay. That does nothing for me at all. If you aren't looking at my site for intent, then I don't want you looking. I'm just that way.

6. Terrorist plot - This set of words added to the prior is nearly a lock by itself. After all, who needs terrorists? They really screw things up. All of the sudden your TV programming is all put off because the news thinks you want to hear about the latest terrorist actions instead of watch the Mentalist. As IF!!!

5. Hijack a video - This is more of what I am seeing in Youtube. You have something that people want to see. you see that they are getting a lot of hits, so you copy that video and put it on your own Youtube page and add a goofy comment or something. Better yet. you video yourself re-creating the video for people to see. It's really annoying when you are looking for a video. But I guess it works. P.S. The word Hijack probably doesn't hurt :) .

4. Bomb making instructions - They are now called IED's (Improvised Explosive Devices) I remember the first one I ever made. It was one of those tennis ball cannons. It was really cool. So if you have a web page dedicated to the dissemination of instructions on how to make a pipe bomb (so easy you don't really need a guide) you will likely get read by some guys in sunglasses and cheap suits with wire things in their ears.

3. Check browser hits - Screw entertainment. Look for the top news story of the moment. use the same method and bingo. people will get a view of your website. Doing this quickly for one website is one thing. keeping it maintained for the future is something else. The public animal is a fickle one and it's attentions are turned at the slightest glimmer or sparkle.

2. Nuclear instructions - Ok, a little fireworks is one thing, but this is getting dangerous. Not necessarily nuclear bombs mind you (oopsie, probably another word combination there) but just a breeder reactor for making the material that you really need for a good dirty explosion. I'm pretty sure that most of the information that you would get from a website would be somewhat misleading or incomprehensible since it seems to require a fair amount of math and chemistry to get one of these things to work.

1. Having a really good website - Sure Mark, mention the obvious. If you have a website that has new content every day that is really interesting with only a few advertisements you'll get many hits in a day. probably at least 150 or so.

Since my site is just a blog and since my blog is just based on my thoughts it will probably never be regarded as great. What it will be however is a semi-permanent look into a pretty good portion of my brain.

Top 10 Things that should be Illegal to do while driving.

2011-03-31T18:35:00.000-07:00

Today's submission comes in no small part thanks to my brother Mikey, or Michael as he prefers to be called (Which I do not call him).

Driving is hard. You don't realize how hard it is until you try driving with your son or daughter. Then you understand just how many things inside and outside of the car you have to keep track of. Over time you internalize the bits you think are most important and leave the rest, but in the beginning, everything has equal weight and it's hard to keep track of it all and actually drive the car. For many of us, driving the car was the first actual grown up thing we did and for the first little bit, it scared us to death. We were playing in the adult world now and all of the sudden a lot of things come into perspective.

To help us, the Government has created a whole codex of laws and regulations involving driving that most of us have no idea about. They are all regulated locally unless you are on an Interstate Highway, then it's monitored by the Feds. Recently some new laws have been enacted to help save us from ourselves. While I could and probably will go on in another blog about how I really don't think it's the Government's place to say much about what I'm doing, If they are going to go ahead and make laws anyway, then I think they probably missed a few. The following are things that should probably be illegal if they aren't all ready when it comes to driving.

10. Shaving/make up - I've seen both, but I must say, I've seen more of the former than the latter. As a man of some experience, it appears to me that makeup is more of a work of art than a specific process. Each artist has their own canvas and their own medium. Shaving is much more easy and very much resembles mowing the lawn. Neither of these things should be done inside a moving vehicle by the DRIVER! I understand you are late and you are trying to save time in traffic. Stop it. I promise you look much better without makeup than having your makeup done by a mortician (that rarely turns out well).

9. watching chicks/dudes - Fellas, this one is mostly for you. I don't know if women have the same kind of eye for the opposite sex that we menfolk do, but I highly doubt it. I remember in high-school I was horrible for this. I can only count luck and guardian angels for the fact that I didn't have any accidents whilst gawking at the opposite sex. The other problem is when you are doing this you start driving slower and less aware. So I envision a speed trap type of arrangement with a scantily clad female and a police officer with high powered binoculars. Once they find the driving gawker, BANG! here is your ticket!

8. kid care - Instead of being distracted by something on the outside, all of the distractions are on the inside. Kids don't really have any concept of driving. They figure that it's just one of the myriad things that adults can do. They goof around in the car the same way they goof around at home. This requires attention (usually from mom, not as much from dad). Instead of pulling over, mom gets a juice box and pre-straws it and reaches back to give it to her demanding toddler. The car continues on its course but starts weaving like a drunkard on payday.

7. seat fishing - Who of us doesn't like a little snack while we are on the road? I know I do. The problem is, a lot of the treats you will eat end up spilling somewhere into your seat. This also goes for those little pieces of paper that you wrote directions on or the parking slip you thought you had. So you start fishing for whatever it is you lost. While you are searching, you usually have one hand on the wheel and you start veering and lurching down the road with no rhyme or reason searching for that dropped junior mint that you know you will step on if you don't get it RIGHT NOW!

6. radio scan - This used to be a worse problem than it is now thanks to radio controls on the steering wheel. If you have an older car or an older stereo in a newer car you might be in danger of looking at the station while you are changing it. It's really not much of a distraction but you usually do it when you are driving at high speeds over a fair distance. I was never fond of changing the station. In fact, I would listen to songs I didn't like because I figured I would definitely like the next song coming. Other people are not as patient with things they 'can't stand' and must change the station to something they like. These people are doomed to listen to the last 1/2 of all the songs they like on the radio.

5. Watching the movie the other car is playing - I've actually done this I'm embarrassed to say. You follow a minivan and you see that the monitors are showing some movie and you get close enough so you can try to identify the show. Don't claim you haven't done it, I know you have. The best part is, there is no real way to verify what the movie was in the case of a dispute. Don't do it, it's a hazard. Or get bigger screens in the back so it's easier to watch. Hey, maybe they could make an option on the car that will cruise control behind the car in front of you so you can watch the movie/show without worrying about maintaining speed. hmmmm...

4. paying more attention to the GPS than the road - Ok, you're lost, it happens. But thanks to the miracle of the GPS, you can now have a little box with a pleasant voice tell you that you've missed your turn off. The interesting thing about GPS is that I've found that once I decide to trust the GPS, I no longer rely on my innate sense of direction. I found myself being lost in places I knew. When skynet takes over, it will start with the GPS systems.

3. texting - ok, this is just obvious and obnoxious. The cellphone is a distraction, but once you add texting to it, you have multiplied it many fold. People that text while driving are a menace. According to some studies texting makes you more impaired driving than being drunk. When you text while driving, you slow WAY down as though this is compensation for having almost 100% of your attention on your text (you wouldn't want to misspell...srsly).

2. reading a book - This is one of the oldest of driving multi-tasks. Crack open that book and plop it on the steering wheel. Whenever you are stuck in traffic or at a stop light, you have a good 30 seconds to read a few lines. Please stop. Nobody thinks you are smart or anything like it when you do this while driving.

1. using mr. Microphone - Hey good lookin! Be back to pick you up later! Mr Microphone was first annoying road dwellers in the late 70's. You tune it into your car stereo and blast away. Turn up the stereo and you are public addressing everyone on the street. So if you are really clever, you use Mr. Microphone on the guy next to you whose stereo is up WAY too loud. Just tune into his frequency and tell him to TURN IT DOWN!. Oh, wait a minute, you need to concentrate on driving.

There it is. Please stop doing these things. I have a total of 14 followers (according to current counts). My ego tells me I need all of you desperately. Don't make your car your coffin.

Top 10 things my dad said

2011-03-15T07:12:00.000-07:00

My dad died in 2005 in early March. It was sudden, but not tragic. Well, it was at the time, but considering the myriad ways you can go, he went pretty well. He left mom with a lot of trouble because he had no time to set things up and of course there is the abrupt way he left us. But I think mom would not have traded that for seeing him in pain. He fell over dead of an arrhythmia (heart attack but without the pain).

Anyway, This is about the catch phrases my dad used to say to me all the time growing up. Now that I'm grown I've begun to think that dad didn't have too many original lines. Nearly all of these are attributable to a different source except one and I think he got that from his dad. See if your parent's rattled any of these well worn phrases.

1. Rudolph the Red know rain dear. - This is a corny joke that I will not tell, It comes from a long line of pun jokes that were my dad's stand by's. While dad didn't say much original, he did have a lightning fast command of the things he knew. He retold jokes with great skill and story telling ability. Well, this joke came up every Christmas without fail. He would try to dress it in different ways but the aforementioned was always the punchline.

2. Don't shuffle the eyes off em - Also, Don't roll the eyes off em - Dad loved to play games with the family. Usually card games, but any game would do. He was a good sport that way. Well if you were trying to shuffle cards and he felt like it was taking too much time, that's the phrase that would come out.

3. Kids should be seen not heard. - This was told to me countless times as I was a pretty loudmouthed kid. I had a knack for turning something I thought was interesting into something fairly boring. I started by re-telling one or two panel comic strips. Usually Snoopy. What I didn't realize was that for some reason without the pictures, the joke wasn't nearly as funny as I remembered it. After telling a few clinkers in this fashion I would get this sage advice from Dad. When company was over, he didn't want us saying anything. In fact, when company came over to play bridge or something. I remember that the TV was moved into our bedroom and we had dinner there where my brother and I were comfortably sequestered. Mom would always hand pick the chips out of the bag and we would get the broken ones. We were happy with that. 1/2 a bugle was better than no bugle at all.

4. Futzin around. - If we were not doing something that dad wanted us to do he would tell us to 'quit futzin around and get to work' I've found that the term futzin is synonymous with puttering, dinking, twinking, and possibly goofing. If you know any others...keep them to yourself.

5. So is Christmas. - This had nothing to do with the holidays, but was rather the standard comback for this overheard exchange:

Dad: 'Mark get in here, it's time for family counsel'
Mark: 'I'm coming!'
Dad: 'So is Christmas'

There was one month a year that this didn't play so well, but he'd use it then as well. He would then change to 'you're moving slower than COLD TAR' for a seasonal change.

6. That's what thought did - This one baffled me for the longest time. Dad never explained it and I think he got it from his dad. It was one that you were supposed to figure out over time. The exchange would go:

Mark: 'But I thought it would work if I did it this way'.
Dad: 'Yeah, that's what thought did'

Not really sure how it works, but I suppose that it means, that's what thinking will get you if you are stupid. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too dumb to figure it out ;)

7. You make a better door than a window. - Dad didn't watch a whole lot of TV, but he did like college football. When we would come in the room and stop between him and his show he would say that line. He explained that one first off and a few times after to make sure we got the point. It didn't stop us from stopping in the middle of the room to gawk at the tv like some glowing God.

8. He who makes the gold makes the rules - This was Dad's standard reply to every query that started 'Why do I have to do that?' or 'That's not fair' or anything even remotely close to that. It was aggravating and yet it still proves true today. Which makes it that much more maddening.

9. Ya gotta get up in the morning. - This was a musical rejoinder. He would sing out that little phrase to the tune of reveille early in the morning on Saturday to wake us up. Dad was a farm boy and farm boys believed everyone should get up at the crack of dawn. That or he was passing down the fun time he had in Basic Training.

10. It will take you a month of Sundays to do it that way. - Told to us if we were taking too long to do something because we were doing it incorrectly. A month of Sundays didn't make a lot of sense to me either. It either meant a month of weeks, or it meant that Sunday was not a work day so you could spend all day working at it. I was never sure. After looking it up a month of Sundays indicates a long dreary time.

Dad, I sure miss you.

Top 10 Acquired Tastes

2011-02-28T06:13:00.000-08:00

I remember growing up being told by my parents 'I knew you wouldn't like that, it's an ACQUIRED taste'. My parents rarely if ever explained the meanings of phrases like this to me, and if they did, often they were wrong. I grew up under the mistaken notion that if you thought something was bad, you could acquire a taste for it through sophistication and education. This is far from the truth. The only thing you need to acquire a taste for anything is prolonged exposure. There are of course certain exceptions for everyone. I for instance would never be able to acquire a taste for parsnips. Exposure will not help this because after eating a bad one or too many (I really don't remember) I threw up. Ever since, my brain has equated parsnips with various poisons that I should steer clear of. Anyway, Listed below are acquired tastes that I may or may not have acquired myself.

10. Coffee - Who invented this horrible tasting excuse for automotive oil? You have to drink it hot because if it's cool it tastes even worse. People acquire this taste over time due to the other benefits of coffee namely the incredible amount of caffeine it contains. I've tried coffee a couple of times. I just couldn't keep the exposure going to get a taste for it. I really love the smell of coffee, but the flavor seems to be completely unrelated unless you douse it with lots of cream and sugar.

9. Beer - Another beverage that seems to have wide appeal but no flavor worth mentioning. They try really hard to make sure that it looks appetizing on TV by surrounding it with scantily clad women. What does that have to do with the flavor of anything? It's a well known fact that a grown man will drink paint thinner in the presence of a scantily clad woman and believe it to be a fine tasting nectar. The other side of beer is the alcohol in it. If it weren't for the mind numbing effects of beer, nobody would drink it at all. I have never tried an alcoholic model of beer, but have tried several of the non-alcoholic versions. Each one tasting like coffee grounds in seltzer water.

8. Venison - 'You just haven't had it cooked right' is the phrase most closely associated with this A.T. Unless your deer were kept in a pen and fed corn throughout their sad little lives, Deer tastes horrible. I know there are those out there that will disagree and love the flavor of this and many other semi-wild game that can be shot in proper season. I say yuck.

7. Swearing - When you are a kid and you hear your first swear word (usually said by your parents). You save it for a rainy day. You want to be like mom and dad so when you are really mad at something you can let loose. Mom tells you that this is not the way we talk and she shouldn't do it either. Now we've added an air of mystery. These must be MAGIC words. You don't want to say them, but then you hear some of the more rowdy kids at school using that self same language. You give it a try. Wow, something really felt weird when you finally gave it a try. The next time it became a little easier and you got the timing a little better. Fast forward to your car on the way to work for the umpteenth time and some @#^*( Idiot clearly didn't go to a @#(*$ Driving school because otherwise they would have grown a @(%**!! Brain!!!

6. Tea - Not as difficult a taste to acquire as Coffee, but it has a flavor that starts out mildly objectionable but then ebbs into a delightful repast. I am a tea drinker. It's my drink of choice. It's high on acid so I have to watch out for my pet ulcer, but before tea I was drinking about 4 cans of Dr. Pepper a day and I hear tell that isn't so great for the tummy either.

5. Smoking - The easiest of tastes to acquire, smoking is always abhorrent at first. The fine people at Phillip Morris have been legally allowed to put in all kinds of chemicals that make sure that you continue to acquire the taste for their product. Sure it will kill you, but nobody lives forever right? mmmmm...smoke. Now they have these E-cigarettes that should be all the rage. Get your nicotine fix and get away from the stink and taxes involved with smoking. Of course if you get away from the smoking, how will we ever pay for health care?!? Be on the lookout for E-Cig Taxes. Stock up now.

4. Music - I say music because it really depends on your flavor of tune. Growing up, I was a rock'n'roller. Loved the current hits loved the classics. When I heard country for the first time I thought someone had taken musical instruments and fashioned them into some form of aural torture. Yet I didn't mind folk music. Later in life I decided to test my theory of exposure in the musical field. I decided to start listening to a rap station just so I could gain an appreciation of the genre. 3 weeks later, I was into all the artists and knew most of the songs and had my favorites. It's an interesting experiment. The most difficult music to gain an appreciation for is probably fusion jazz. It's cacophonous ramblings are pretty hard for the uninitiated to take.

3. Capers - Once again, in my childhood, I found capers to be salty little bits of disgust that I would no sooner put in my mouth than a piece of chalk. I revisited capers in a restaurant salad and found them to be delightful. It really adds something to the ensemble. This only required time and not exposure which I find odd. Perhaps it is the exposure to salt that gave me a flavor for the little green bits of fun.

2. Reading - Remember back when English was a strange language that you were learning. You probably can't remember that far. It was harrowing. You would try to say words and your parents would be constantly correcting you. Once you had a basic grasp of the spoken language, they thrust you into this building full of other young acolytes seeking to learn how to be adults. Reading became a part of your routine, but it didn't come easily. Now you had to take your freshly learned language skills and apply them to the written word. There were a LOT of words you didn't know. You were encouraged to look them up. If you kept with it, you would start to really enjoy reading. Until you got to college where you would learn to hate reading again because any time you would read for enjoyment, you would feel guilty about not reading your particularly boring homework assignment that was not written for the love of writing, but rather for the old adage 'publish or perish'.

1. Oysters - I tried these from dad's plate growing up. YUCK. Slimy and fishy these things were anything but good. Now I buy them in bulk. I find them to be a very satisfying snack, but early on? yuck. It's much better in this case to not think about what you are eating. Much Much better.

Surely not all of them. I forgot to mention this blog that would most appropriately be labeled an Acquired Taste.

Tell your friends!

10 little pieces of evidence that the Government is about to tell us about Aliens

2011-02-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

This sounds far fetched I know, but I'm bored and thoughts of extra terrestrial life amuses me. Here is my hypothesis:

If we look at a technological time line of our advancements as the human race, there are a few things that really don't fit very well. It seems that we went for thousands of years with precious little advances in the sciences beyond say the wheel and then written language and then BANG! Within about 120 years or so we have surpassed our forefathers to the point that if we told them about our current lives, they would ask when heaven dropped on the earth (or at least the civilized earth, I realize there are a lot of sections of the earth that are still outdated and living near dark age lives). How did we come across this broad spectrum of technology? Human spirit? Taxes? Governments? Or is it aliens? If it was aliens and they were getting ready to kill us, we would have known about them by now. If it's friendly aliens here to help us, then I think the Government waits until the people won't cause a fuss with the knowledge. I think that's the answer and here are my reasons why.

10. UFO Stories and their denial - Crazy people say lots of crazy things. It's what sets them apart from the rest of the semi-sane world. Normally when you hear a crazy person say something crazy, you just ignore it, or at best you put on your best 'dumb animal' look and nod and say 'yes of course!, what an interesting story. I hope it all works out' At which point the crazy person will either move on to another crazy subject, or attack you. UFO stories for a long time were denied. When the Government denies things it seems like most of the time they are just covering up. Now the Government is much more cagey and just doesn't acknowledge anything.

9. There's a pill for EVERYTHING! - Chemistry and Physics are two interesting disciplines. One deals with the molecular structure of things and the other deals with objects interactions with each other. Yes this is simplified and yes it's not complete, but pull it down to it's elements and that's what they are. So we used to go around tasting roots for medicinal purposes and grinding up tree bark and putting it on wounds. Doctors were no more than local con-men that promised some kind of cure in exchange for a horse or perhaps a summers worth of eggs if they managed to be there when a life was saved. Now, we have real drugs that do nearly everything. The only reason we don't have a lot more drugs around is because companies are too busy trying to find out ways to lengthen the treatment so their profit margins can billow. But where did all of this information come from? Tree bark? Dowsing rods? hmmmm...I'll bet that someone that has the technology to travel across space would have a pretty good grasp of chemistry as well as physics....hmmmm.

8. We didn't make all these TV programs for nothing! - People wonder why aliens would be interested in us at all. The truth is, we have good TV. At least we do in America and to some extent other countries around the world. We have been beaming the transmission of these programs into space for DECADES. Aliens are coming because they saw Battlestar Galactica and thought we are probably ready and they wanted to help us with those pesky Cylons. They really weren't sure what to think about Space Balls.

7. When you see a science fiction show with an alien in it, how favorable is your reponse? - At first all shows depicting aliens were the same. Aliens were here to take over, probably kill most of us in the process. Then we started getting shows about friendly aliens. Heck, even the Aliens that were controlling Robo-Bigfoot in the Shark-Jumping episodes of The 6-million Dollar Man were just mis-understood. Now, aliens are just like us. They have many human qualities and there are good ones and bad ones, just like us. It's pretty consistent with our species. You might say 'yes, but Mark, there are still shows about aliens taking over and rubbing us humans out' Sure there are. This is used to gauge our response to the original "bad, they are ll the same" alien over time. Through constant exposure, we can become used to just about anything that we originally thought was horrible.

6. These cellphones are just like Star Trek...wait a minute! - You have got to be joking. The moment Cell-phones started looking like Star Trek Communicators (except MUCH smaller and more effective) I thought we were going to be introduced to our Alien benefactors. It just seemed like it was too obvious.

5. So we can see a license plate on a car from space? Interesting... - So our Satellites can read a license plate on a car from outer space and yet the DMV still has trouble capturing you looking like anything but how you look early in the morning. Where is the disconnect here? Aliens gave up the notion of displaced identification a long time ago. Pictures are used only to capture past events, not as a means of evidence. Their technology on that path on the other hand is pretty useful on our satellites. They're waiting for us to figure out that just because you can track a population, doesn't mean you can control it.

4. The United Nations is anything but. - Ever notice how the United Nations really doesn't have much to do with anything practical? They have lots of committees and throw around condemnations like they are going out of style, but this body has precious few teeth. Why hang around as one body and try to homogenize the earth? Because if we can get everyone to settle down, then we can introduce the aliens, but they don't want to talk to a bunch of little countries, they would much rather talk to a leader. So the conspiracy theorists that go on about a 'New World Order' are pretty much right.

3. How can computing power double every year? How is that even possible? - Moores law states that computing power will double every year. What kind of moron would make a 'law' like that?! That's hardly sustainable, UNLESS you knew the distance between the first computer technology and the eventual resulting technology. If you are controlling how quickly information and technology is being doled out, it's EASY to determine how fast the technology will grow. Where will it end? when specific computing power will not be measurable because everyone will be connected and share overall computing power and then we won't care about Moores law.

2. Festivus is actually an alien holiday and they are just using Seinfeld reruns to throw up a trail balloon. - Festivus isn't the only one, there are LOADS of made up holidays that don't make a lot of sense. I won't tire you with them all, but the fact is, when Aliens live among us, their holidays will be based on their calendar so who knows, maybe they will celebrate birthdays 3 times a year, or maybe once every 20 years. Hard to say. How do you test that out? You introduce some goofy holidays and see if it sticks. Festivus was made up and unashamedly so. Still there are followers of the Festivus 'faith'. We as a people appear to be pretty open to new holidays. But it's just another weight on the alien side of the scales.

1. No space travel outside our inner orbit since the moon landing. hmmmmm - We go to the moon, we plant a stiff looking flag, we come back and bang. It's like the hot looking girl in high school with no personality. Once you've gone out with her, you figure there's really nothing there, so you don't go back. Seriously?! Either we never made it there in the first place (Capricorn One anyone?) Or we did and were WARNED not to disturb the blind. The aliens are using the moon as an observation point. That's why we and everyone else are discouraged from going there at all.

As you can see, the evidence is pretty convincing. We've got aliens, and they are probably friendly, which is good news. The bad news is, they would like to borrow a cup of sugar in the form of our rich mineral resources and naturally occurring chemical compounds, and come over for a barbecue. They haven't been living among us, but maybe they would like to. Just to see if we'd invite them over for a game of Canasta (which as chance would have it is played in exactly the same way on their planet and was the first piece of common ground in our negotiations with them). Soon the Government will announce them to us, and then this blog will seem downright prophetic.

10 Games

2011-01-31T20:14:00.000-08:00

I have a brother. My only sibling in fact. He was the younger making me the eldest. We grew up in a house of traditional games. When I say traditional I mean there were certain family games we played and that was pretty much it. With the advent of computers gaming became more prevalent and yet less personal. This persists today. Games on computers and to a lesser extent consoles are a single player experience. In my own family we have a couple of games that we don't mind playing, but by and large we are not a game playing family. My brother in contrast has a game collection that would make Milton Bradley green with envy.

This list is dedicated to him and his family. These are the games I remember from my youth, it is not by any means all of them. I will probably make a part 2 to this list because as I write it, I recall the other games we played. I don't think I've played one of them in over 10 years with the exception of electronic versions.

10 - Sorry - I'll say sorry. There was nothing to say BUT sorry about this hopped up version of Parcheesi. Except you got to say 'SORRY' in a very obnoxious ironic voice as you put your opponent's pawns back home. This game is very similar to Trouble (with pop-o-matic) but not quite as gimmicky. Get your pawns home. Funny thing, that's the point of 80% of games made around or before 1970. Get your pawns home. Sorry used a deck of cards instead of the standard dice. That part was clever. Unfortunately those cards would soon be so well known that everyone knew when you got the 4 spaces back card because it had that one bend in the corner. 4 players, but usually 3. 2 was not really much fun, but it was tried.

9 - Gnip Gnop - This game is a soft spot in my heart because it's what we started calling Egg-Nog. The game involved a longish clear housing that held 6 ping pong balls and 3 large buttons on each side. the object was to smack your buttons sending your pingpong balls through hoops in the middle of the game to your opponents side. When you see the commercial, you'll get the idea. The problem is, commercials of games like this are like watching Kung Fu movies that make you think fighting is a ballet of sorts. You think the game is going to be fairly slow paced and well organized, but it just turns into a frenzy of pounding buttons until you break one. Then the game is over. You could salvage the pingpong balls at least. Rats.

8 - Mousetrap - This game was based on the ever famous Rube Goldberg devices. The idea to 'build a better mousetrap' that sprung up before world war 1. The phrase itself is credited to Ralph Waldo Emerson, but he never actually wrote it. He wrote something similar and that was close enough. I could only hope one of my quotes becomes similarly famous. This game involved putting together the pieces of a mousetrap that would then be sprung to catch the mice. This game, unlike the others, was rarely played and was only put together for the gimmick. Just because you put it together didn't mean it was going to work right. there were a LOT of moving parts. Lots of things to lose but really a terrific game to get you building your own mousetraps.

7 - Dark Tower - This game in it's entirety goes for over 100$ on ebay. It was a marvel that was played on a board with an electronic tower. The tower would tell you the outcome of your moves based on what you keyed into the bubble pad. This was one of the more jealous moments I had as a youth as this game was given to my Brother. Yes I got to play it, but I wanted badly to be it's master. It was the DARK TOWER. You can play this game online with all the original noises. without the electronic features, the game was ok, but with the COMPUTER brain, it was amazing.

6 - Battleship - YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP! Every kid that got battleship would loudly proclaim those words if his battleship was sunk the first time they got to play just so they could do it like the TV commercial. Seems like war like games were the cool ones to have. After all, there was the cold war and all the prior world wars and conflicts, so what better way to play sea wolf than to hide your ships and try to sink those of your opponent? This one could be duplicated on any kind of graph paper, but the real ships and the little pegs were the only way to play it. Everyone tries the strategy of putting all your ships together to confuse your opponent. That's a bad strategy. Don't do it. You'll lose. Really.

5 - Life - The game of life was the first attempt to describe how life might be to a kid. You start out either going to college or going straight to your career and then you navigate through an interesting field of paths and spaces simulating several of life's maladies. Each turn was a spin of a brightly colored wheel. You got kids and a spouse and you drove your car throughout life where you ended up in millionaire acres or the poor house. There wasn't much strategy here except you could place side bets with your money on the wheel and win extra cash. If you were falling behind, this was a good way to make sure you fell even further behind. Are we learning anything yet?

4 - Monopoly - The Depression era grand daddy of them all! Monopoly. Or as I called it Monotony (I actually think my parents coined that phrase along with many others). The object was to become as similar to Donald Trump as humanly possible such that by the end of the game the two of you are indistinguishable. Buy and sell, go to jail (white collar crimes of course) and free parking. We played this game a LOT. Not sure why, I guess it must have been fun, but it was a long drawn out game. For those of you that don't know it, the properties in monopoly are named after actual streets in Atlantic City. You can visit them all. I'm not sure I'd recommend it, Atlantic City is a hole, unless you are staying only in a casino. Then it's still a hole, but everything is temperature controlled.

3 - Chess - We had chess boards. I liked to look at chess pieces. There was a special wooden chess set that we used to play with that was hand built. For a while I liked chess. Then I found out that it was such an organized event of a game that there were people that had entire strategies beginning to end planned. My brain was not capable or interested in this kind of memorization. I had a hard enough time with the 7's times tables. I played from time to time. But I lost more often than not. I'm not a particularly gracious loser. So I don't bother with this game anymore. Because I'm really not good at it at all.

2 - Magnavox Odyssey- Wait a minute Mark, why is this thing here. We excluded video games right? Yes we did, but this was the Magnavox Odyssey. This game system tried desperately to merge traditional board games and video displays that would turn your expensive console TV into a piece of furniture with a cabinet that had no real purpose. You see, that game would burn images into the TV so fast that you could see the little Pong (came MUCH later) dot burned into the phosphors in the screen. The game wasn't a game so much as it was 2 paddles 3 dots tall and a 'ball' 1 dot. The 'graphics' were static video overlays that you unrolled and placed onto the screen. Classic. The Odyssey game in question was called BRAIN WAVE. It was a very difficult game to understand but it was a part of a magical Christmas in Arkansas that I still remember fondly to this day. Most of the game was played on the board with some aspects played on the tv with boxy controllers that looked like miniature toasters. It was a great game.

1 - Memory - I think as a family we played this game more than any other. Acquired during the same magical Christmas in Arkansas, simple blue cards that had pairs of pictures were put face down on the table and in turn you open 2 cards to see if you have a match. If not, then the next player opens two cards and tries for a match. If you got a match, you get another turn. Sounds boring, but it was not. it was a great game. During the many plays of the game we ended up making nick names for all of the cards because they had no captions. Runaway Girl comes to mind. Mom was the best at this game.

This post meant a lot to me. I hope it was entertaining. Tell your friends!

Top 10 Advertising ideas that are SO PLAYED! (That means they suck)

2011-01-15T06:50:00.000-08:00

I like advertising. Really, I do. There are several reasons. First, how would I know what to buy if it weren't for advertising? I would sit in my empty house with my bank full of money and I would not have any fun stuff or stuff that I thought would be fun. Second. Advertising might be the most challenging form of media entertainment that we have. It's lightening fast but tries to get your attention AND evoke an emotional response before letting you go with the vain hope of keeping it's product or message on your mind. Funny thing is, I often remember a commercial without being able to remember the product. That is the hallmark of a good media company that makes crappy commercials. Let me give you an example. GREAT commercial. Shake N Bake presents the product with a bunch of thick accented southerners (seriously, how much fried chicken do they eat in Minnesota?) and the tag line at the end 'It's shake n bake deddy an we haelped' has stuck with me throughout my life. Have I ever actually purchased a box of the product? no. But it's in my head all the same. There are several commercials that are like that for me. I know both the commercial and the product. Another example of the opposite. The diamond commercial where the guy gives the girl a little box with a bow on it and she opens the box while her mouth opens at the same time with awe and amazement. Who was that ad? Beats me. But If I see it again, I will want you to put my eyes out.

Here is the problem. For all of the fun and creative commercials there are out there there are thousands of heavy handed hack commercials that only try to copy the success of another commercial. I very much blame suits for this. I can't blame a company for wanting to cut costs but in this case I see that there are a lot of themes that commercials have taken to the point of being annoying.

10. Pro-Biotic - This apparently means good for your colon which invariably means good for poop. My only question with this new BUZZ word is. If I store my pro-biotic things next to my tubes of Neosporin, what will happen? Yes, I know, painfully clever and yet just as clever as hearing PRO-BIOTIC all over the place. I suppose it would mean a lot more to me if any given trip to the bathroom would make me want to give up national secrets.

9. Green - SAVE THE PLANET!!! I got news for ya. We can't. Doesn't matter who caused it (BTW if it was man made, it wasn't the cars that did it, it was the exhaling of all the collective breaths of all the creatures on the planet.) Yes, I know all you Al Goreans are up in arms about this, but anyway... Apparently enough people are convinced that this is important in a 'Give your change to the Salvation Army while people are looking' kind of way that it's a buzz word in advertising. Now everything worth buying is worth buying GREEN. yay. If Green means more expensive, or doesn't work as well then it doesn't mean much to me and it will probably sway me off of your product anyway.

8. Your a busy person - Duh, I know I'm busy. Well I guess I'm not THAT busy because I'm writing this blog. But I'm busy enough that when I see a commercial with a harried individual rushing about only to find that your product will save him precious minutes from his harried day I keep thinking Will this keep this person from being harried? No. This person (Typically a Type A or AA) will over fill their lives with other perceived obligations so they are just as harried as they were before the advent of your wonderful de-harri-ing device. There, I believe I've used the word harried more times in one paragraph than anyone else in history.

7. Men are idiots - This has been going on ever since I was a young kid. When I was a kid, it was mostly Asian and Caucasian men that were idiots, but now in the enlightened new millennium men of all races colors and creeds are clueless morons. Why? Well because while we are probably not as dumb as they make us out to be, we are dumb enough to go to work and make money and not really have time to complain about it. So that insult probably hurts twice. Once because it's overstated, and once because it's true. It doesn't mean I will appreciate seeing it over and over and over...and over again.

6. Kids are smart - This is a corollary to the above mentioned Men are Idiots. I often thought to myself hey, why aren't women the idiots? The truth was, in the older days of advertising, men were the smarty pants always showing their women a better way. Of course men also always wore suits and fedoras and even a bum had a fairly nice pair of shoes. But I digress. How can we make women the idiots in commercials? Easy, bring the smartest beings in the universe into the commercial. Kids. Everyone knows that kids are smarter than mom and dad combined. I got news for you. Kids are idiots. That's right. Idiots. They don't come up with anything new or original just because we haven't heard it before doesn't mean it hasn't been done a hundred times. We devise ways to make them look smart because as parents we all want to think that our kids are superior to other kids on the planet. They aren't. They are all about the same level of dumb. How do I know this? Because we spend a lot of money and time educating them and if they were smart we probably wouldn't bother, instead we would put them to work trying to figure out why they get more stupid with age and solving the problem so that future generations can remain smart.. We pound all the knowledge we can into their brains so they can function in society. But in Advertising world, all humans start out as smart (even babies), grow to be stupid adults, and then age to be either even dumber old people, or hyper intelligent old people that have a handle on all of the things the smart young people are into.

5. Mammals are smart, Insects are dumb - Did I say kids were smart? Well step aside. Animals can talk. First it was just Smokey Bear (Why they INSIST on taking out the THE that everyone likes to use is beyond me, but maybe it's because he's so damn smart). He would wander around in his deep bear voice and tell us 'ONLY YOU' can prevent forest fires. Pretty condescending for a bear I think. But now we have all kinds of woodland creatures that are telling us what car to drive, what kind of material to recycle, and all kinds of other 'silly human' behaviors that we need to alter. Furry mammals are actually just as smart as kids. Insects on the other hands are the scheming scheisters of the commercial world. Smart, but only in a stupid henchman kind of way. Oddly enough, when we deal with these insects, we usually have a MAN step in to kill them. Whew! I thought we had outlived our usefulness.

4. Men are cavemen - Back to Men again. Am I beating a dead horse? Am I overly sensitive? I don't think so. If we stereo-typed anyone else to the level that advertising stereotypes men we would have protests all over the place (Taco bell dog, I'm looking at you). You see, in advertising, men are only allowed to look smart in one of a several ways. If they are talking to other men about their prostate. If they are wearing a lab-coat. If they are by themselves thinking about insurance (but not with their spouse, then they are back to stupid again). So what about when men are being themselves? Beer swilling womanizing one track minded bits of perverted flesh that are so easy to be sold to that really all we need is new ways of telling the same joke (Oh look, that guy developed another way of holding even more beer in his apartment, he must be the GENIUS of their species). Sports men are the cavemen. Driven to crush opposition in all its forms on or off the battlefield. Tough men need a tough deodorant while they are driving their single frame constructed hemispheric engine to their smart job managing the finances of the world afterward coming home to their prize wife that adores them and thinks of them as smart. Unless, of course, he's not the subject of the commercial, then he's 'My husband, some hotshot, here's his ancient Chinese Secret...'

3. Insurance is a product - I've noticed an increase in commercials that have insurance in boxes or envelopes along with visual themes of what insurance is doing. I'll tell you what insurance is doing. Taking your dollar and giving 85 cents back to you. That's not a product, that's a scheme, or a casino, take your pick.

2. We understand medical terminology - Every drug ad out there will take so much time expressing the horrible side effects of their drug that it's far more entertaining than the actual ad itself. 'May induce explosive diarrhea in some patients. If you experience abnormal nose growth for more than 2 hours see a physician as you may have a symptom of a more serious condition. Side effects include but are not limited to dry mouth, third leg, bleached hair, excessive hair growth on the elbows or increased propensity for smart-ass remarks.' Did our doctors ever tell us this stuff when they were giving us a prescription? I don't think so. In fact, I don't think they even told us the drug 1/2 the time. We have to go to our ever trustworthy pharmacist for those little facts.

1. Women are vain frail creatures that are just hairs breadth away from falling apart. - I had a bit about holiday advertising in this spot that really wasn't very good, as I was re-reading I realized I didn't put in a nod to the fairer sex. You see, most advertising realizes that women hold the purse strings. Since they hold the purse strings, we had better start aiming our stuff at them. Some ads are more obvious than others. The advertisers know more about women than the average man does (as do kids and animals). The one thing they know, is their Achilles's heel - vanity. vanity is of course different than the male counterpart ego. It's more specialized to the area of looks. So women are constantly shown pictures of other women that are younger, thinner and hotter than they are in order to sell them some miracle serum that will 'REVERSE THE AGING PROCESS'. I got news for ya. Beauty is like a job resume, a good one will get you an interview, but it won't get you the job. The funny thing is, most women are painfully aware of the arena in which they compete and none of that matters. The amount of the money in the industry proves it. This is a lot of stress. So much in fact that there are a lot of OTHER ads targeting women for pain relief of various sorts not to mention more serious ailments. Depression is another one pretty much aimed at women. 'Do you show signs of depression? Do you hate getting up in the morning? Do you no longer enjoy activities you used to enjoy?' These broad questions may in fact point to depression, OR they may point to a drug with some fantastic side effects that you can take because life got the better of you today. I'm really not sure what women did one hundred years ago without all of these products to help prop them up. Maybe men were smarter back then.

Well, I still love commercials as well as advertising. I just think that it's time for most of them to be just a hair more creative. Tell your friends! Got an idea for a list of ten? Tell me!