Untethered

Birthdays, far from home

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 18 May 2011 14:25:00 +0000

It was my birthday today. Though it slipped by in disguise as any other day, what with a normal routine and work and chores, and husband gone at work as well. I've already learned not to have expectations of people, events, and the like, as when you do it seems more often than not you come away disappointed. So I try to just take things as they are and expect nothing more.

I went into today not expecting much. I knew I would carry out a normal routine. I figured not many people would say anything. And husband and I are planning a weekend trip for it all, so I've been looking forward to that more than anything.

And yet now I feel incredibly sad.

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones. I suppose it could always be that.

I grew up loving my birthday. Every year it felt special and important. I felt for one day I mattered to so many people, and I was also happy to be able to share my birthday with my younger sister. Even when I entered those ever-so-fun teen years, and the birthday parties melted away, my friends always made sure I had a good time. They celebrated with me, as I would with them. Our special day mattered to each other.

And I'll never forget the year I turned 21 - the year one of my beloved dogs had to be put down just days before. The year my family was supposed to come down and have a special birthday dinner with me (for my sister and I) and then being completely heartbroken when they couldn't. My two best friends (one of them now my husband) reassured me right away that they would take me out for my special birthday dinner instead, as if it was matter of fact. We had a lot of fun that day, and I'll never forget that they were there for me when that could have been the worst birthday I've ever experienced.

Yes, the birthdays became less exciting over the years since then, but this year it seemed to disappear completely, and I suppose I wasn't prepared for that. Even with few expectations, I'm finding it hard to see that it even mattered at all.

I think being an expat has made it worse in some ways. Most of my loved ones are in the US, a day behind, and aside from my parents and the few who seem to grasp the time zone difference (I know, it can be really confusing unless you've experienced it yourself), special days seem to occur the day after they actually occur for me here in Japan. So tomorrow, isn't really my birthday, but some will think it is, in the US. You can't really argue with that, it is that day, there, but where am I? I'm not there. I'm 4,000 miles away.

And as each year goes by, I find myself becoming more and more dis-attached from "home." Events happen, relationships continue, daily life happens as it always does and I'm absent. It seems that the longer I'm absent, the more absent I actually feel. I feel less and less engaged, part of that world, part of those circles. And yet it still hasn't been long enough here for us to form a good sense of community - not that we don't have good friends here, but it shifts and changes so much, and we feel will change again drastically in the next year. We haven't quite found that "settling" place yet, even though we feel more at home here in Japan right now than anywhere else.

So I suppose this is just something else to accept as part of this life as an expat - knowing that there are likely others who feel the same, and that it's not as if I'm always the best at remembering birthdays either. And besides, with a little one coming, I'm sure birthdays will be more fun and exciting again. I want them to experience that special feeling I always had as a kid, or really, mostly up until this year. Birthdays are important, as they celebrate one's life and the milestones they hit along the way. We should celebrate them and look forward to them.

As for me, I know I'll have a fun weekend with my husband, my best friend - and I do wish for a moment that I could be in the US, even just for a day, to celebrate with others and feel that love and warmth again, but it's just one more thing to deal with, accept and live with, with the life we chose. It's not always easy, but I know in many other ways, it's still worth it.

Here's to my 26th. It may have gotten off to a bad start, but I've always been known to finish strong.

Life transitions

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 03:20:00 +0000

It's been quite some time since I've posted here, what with working so hard on Surviving in Japan, being pregnant, becoming a columnist for Japan Times, among other things. I have to look back on the past few years and count my blessings - particularly to see how taking that leap of faith to come to Japan was such an integral and necessary part of how I got to be where I am now. Even coming down with labrynthitis propelled me forward onto the path I am currently on. So for that, I'm thankful I was sick for six months, as miserable as it was.

And now I'm looking ahead to August with a bit of apprehension - I have no idea how things will change, concerning all I've worked so hard at the past year and a half. I know I've always been meant to be mommy - there's no doubt in mind. David and I look forward to becoming parents, finally. And we found out our little bundle of joy will be a girl. To be honest, we never envisioned ourselves as parents of a girl - I've always seen us more as parents of boys. I never had brothers either, which may play some role in that. The initial shock that this little darling is indeed female was a bit difficult to swallow (not that we weren't excited - just surprised). But now we move ahead, preparing for her arrival - the arrival of a child. Our child.

Honestly, I've hardly had much of a chance to reflect on having a baby as I've been working so much. But when I stop and think, I realize how blessed this child will be to have parents who love her unconditionally and will always keep her safe, physically and emotionally. It's reassuring for me, especially as an adult child of divorce, to think about this little one and how she will be the generation of my family that won't have to grow up with all this pain and these issues. She won't grow up worrying if someone will ever love her or if she's even worth loving. She won't question whether her dad wants to spend time with her or not. She won't look at every relationship in fear, thinking that they could fall apart without notice, from simply expressing a thought or emotion. This child, and her siblings, whenever they arrive, will grow up radically different.

What a gift for me, as a parent yes, but also as an ACOD who has done the hard work and come this far - for my husband, yes, for God, yes, for me, YES, but also for my children. I did not want my children to experience the same fears and worries and turmoil. Yes, many parents want this to be true for their children. They don't want to repeat their parents' mistakes. But then many often find they are indeed repeating some of those mistakes, unknowingly, and repeating history. It's impossible to completely break away from the cycles unless you've done the hard work for yourself. It's impossible to just decide you'll be different and then be different. You have to decide to be different, and then attack that pain and those issues with vengeance. Those adult children must find healing so they can leave the past behind.

This doesn't mean we won't make mistakes. I know I'll make mistakes. I make mistakes as a wife... but my husband has been patient and understanding enough to allow me those mistakes and never take away love and safety. He lets me put my knowledge and healing into practice. And so I have continued to move forward, even in baby steps at times.

Becoming a parent will be no different in this way, I know. I need to put my knowledge and healing to practice, and I don't think it will be easy at first. (Although I am thankful for my extensive amount of experience working with kids... as this has given me the confidence to know how I generally am with kids, so I worry less about being a parent). But I do know that I am in a healthy place to move forward with that and to deal with these emotions as they come up. Oh, and a highly recommended book for any couple about to become parents: "When Partners Become Parents." Please read this book - it's essential for your emotional and relational health.

With all that said, I'll move forward into this new life transition, hand-in-hand with my husband, my best friend. And I look ahead to the other things in life I'm moving towards, whatever those transpire to be in the next year or two. What a blessing it is to live without such a deep well of pain inside, finally. Sometimes I feel as though I need to be experiencing some kind of pain to really feel alive, but then I feel so foolish for not recognizing that isn't really living. It's part of life, yes, but that is surviving, not living. There's no need for me to hold myself back now, from truly living.

Life of an Expat

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 07:17:00 +0000

I've been rather neglectful of this blog, due to other projects, such as work, my Surviving in Japan blog, photo blog, and other ideas in the works. Time is exciting, albeit full, as I rush endlessly between everything. Full of adrenaline, yes, and enjoying everything, of course, but a lazy Saturday afternoon seems the perfect time to take a short break and write about some recent thoughts.

I am by no means yet experienced at expat life. The end of July marked two years in Japan - my first real experience abroad. I've experienced some of the best times, such as marrying David, and the worst, as I was ill for six long, cold months. Everything pushes me out of my comfort zone on a regular basis, and I find the idea of my self challenged as often. And another concept of expat life has snuck up on me this year, forcing me to think about serious issues that I had not thought to consider before.

My great-grandfather passed away a few weeks ago. My typical take on death is to rejoice the legacy of a beautiful life well-lived, and the hellish journey at an end, only to slip into a place most of us only dream about. Death isn't something I'm well-accustomed to in general, and I feel that words, no matter how well-intentioned, fail to resonate in any meaningful way to those hurting the most. Of course, some may consider any words a reassuring gesture, and so I, along with most others, say them anyway.

Yet with this death, and subsequent funeral I was (obviously) unable to attend, I felt at a loss. I was not in the midst of it all. My life has become so completely separated from any life I had in the States before. Everything in my life carries on in typical fashion, work, deadlines, projects, etc. A moment's pause to say a few words feels almost out of place. My emotions are out of place. I find myself unable to completely conceptualize this event. I'm not traveling with my dad and sister in the car - traversing miles, over mountains and through long stretches of farmland to Eastern Montana for the funeral. I don't see the sad, yet thoughtful faces of my extended family around me, meeting after a long period of separation. Nothing transpires in my mind and I sit here helplessly, wondering, what can I do or say? It feels hardly real to me.

Around all this time, I discovered my mom needed a serious surgery. Of course, in her typical, positive, half-glass full way, she reassured me everything was "no big deal" and that she would be fine. The shock of it left me in a state of incomprehension, and my body seemed to go into self-protection as I found myself fully convinced everything would be fine. As it turned out, it was, though the doctors had been much more "realistic" about it all. Once I knew my mom would be just fine, I went into panic mode. What if something had happened? What if the surgery had gone wrong? What if the results were opposite of what they were? Any number of things could have happened, and do happen to people every day. And I'm here, across the ocean, 4,000 miles away. What could I do?

Along with this is a family wedding in the near future. One that we didn't expect I would be able to attend in the first place. With various difficulties, financial and otherwise, I find myself confused and hurting over feeling as if I cannot be involved in such important events - simply because we live across an ocean.

Am I angry we live in Japan? No, of course not. We are building a life here. This life excites us and reassures us we have a purpose to live. Yet at times the struggles of living far from family transpire into emotional stress. The knowledge that no, we can't just jump on any flight back to the States at a moment's notice. Life has become more complicated in that sense, that we cannot predict it, and we have no control over the events that occur. When things go wrong, we want to be there to help and assist, or say our last goodbyes, hold a baby for the first time or kiss and hug the happy couple as they begin their new life. So how does one acknowledge and accept that they simply cannot do all those things for their loved ones back home? How do expats and their families cope with this life of loss and struggle and community, with such great distances between them?

It seems that anyone who lives abroad for any great length of time must face this issue at some point or another, even if they lack familial attachments or come from an unconventional family. Not only do I deal with the issues that accompany being an adult child of divorce, but now I combine those with the realities of an expat lifestyle. I accept it all as part of my life, even with the difficult emotions that tag along. This is my life - the life of an expat.

enjoying the ride

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 02:57:00 +0000

My husband and I were riding our bikes home from the sento (public bath) last night - essentially becoming more sticky after we'd just cleaned off. My bike typically rolls faster than his due to my road tires, and his mountain tires. So I slow down, wait for him to catch up, until, inevitably, my bikes zooms ahead again (hardly me pedaling it forward).

Later I asked him if he was riding so slow as to avoid becoming sweaty.

"That's one reason," he answered, provoking my curiosity for more information.

"What's the other reason?" My poor husband has to live with someone as endlessly curious as me.

He sat, still focusing on whatever he was doing on the computer. My patience doesn't often last long as I spoke up again:

"just enjoying the nice night?"

"Yep. Just enjoying the ride."

Earlier that day, I had thought the very same thing, as I forced myself to slowly pedal to 7-11 for cash. Even when I set out to have a calm, relaxing joy ride, I still end up pedaling hard, weaving around people, grumbling at the traffic and close-calls. No matter how hard I try, it just happens. So yesterday afternoon, I went from pedaling slowly and smiling and admiring the gorgeous day, to speeding along the roads and sidewalks. Until I realized I was speeding again, and slowed back to my lackadaisical pace.

In fact, the only time I seem to not be able to speed up, is when I'm just going for a walk. But, stick me in a city somewhere, with something to do, I speed up again. Sometimes I just attribute this to my need for speed (I didn't do track and cross country for years for nothing). And other times, I think maybe I'm so determined in the path to where I'm heading - that I forget to slow down and enjoy where I am.

Even now, with the various opportunities I have and am pursuing, my excitement for the future drives me to work hard in order to reach those goals. I want to get somewhere - I want to be somewhere. It isn't that I'm not happy about where I am now, but I look forward to the path ahead of me. Yet there are times when I stop and seem to wish that time wouldn't pass so quickly. I remind myself that these years are precious and valuable.

I've heard that before. "Enjoy being single! You won't get it back again!" Yet, I hated being single, and was miserable a good amount of the time. Not because I was single persay, but for a variety of reasons that stem to family, transitions, and change. Being married is far better than being single, in my opinion. However, I do acknowledge the necessity of those formative years for my personal growth - and I wouldn't have been ready for marriage without them. Yet, even then, I was speeding forward, as fast as possible, until I would finally find my partner in life.

Even as a child, I longed for the day I would be 16, or 21, or just an adult. I desired freedom - to feel more like a human being and to not be looked down upon. I enjoyed the games and imaginary life that came with being a child, but I don't wish for those days again. And now, I am in the best place I feel I have been in my entire life. Why? Marrying my husband was part of my purpose in life. Everyone has their own opinion about all this, but I KNOW David and I were meant for each other, and evidence to prove that has shown up regularly in my life.

In fact, the good memories of the past were directly related to purpose - the things I did that felt meaningful. When I was utilizing my skills and gifts, and being the person I was made to be, was when I was the most content.

Now, I'm using many of these skills in a variety of ways and feel more full than in situations where I cannot. And I'm watching to see how they grow and transpire, excited for fruit to come forth. I enjoy the little moments, especially with my husband, but I also work in preparation for the future. The goals I want to achieve are bold in my mind, and written on paper. Some things we don't know yet. We don't know exactly what will happen in the future, or why we feel Japan is such a part of it. We don't know when we will have children, although that's another life transition we look forward too.

Nothing is certain but the fact that we are in preparation for those transitions. I don't think there's anything wrong with being future-minded and anticipating the great things to come. Yet, I also know I need to slow down at times and remember, good things are still happening now.

the loss of misunderstanding

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 12:36:00 +0000

Considering I now mostly work at home or Starbucks, aside the few stints of English teaching a month, I get to enjoy all that comes with sitting around at home (working). It's awesome, at least until the businessmen or Jehovah's Witnesses come around. I'm often waiting for something to be delivered, so sometimes I fling the door open, excited for my new box. Until I see the suits. The promotional materials.

No... NOOO.... I think desperately. Where is my box? I don't want to talk to you!

They begin with their standard greeting and then move right to business. When I first arrived in Japan, I never understood them. So I stood there stupidly, saying "I don't understand" over and over until I could shut the door. Now, unfortunately, I can understand more or less the gist of what they are saying. Usually, I won't answer the door if I bother to look through the peephole first, but as I said, I'm often expecting something.

So the other day, this happened again, and I found myself face to face with a man holding out a promotional brochure. He started speaking. I looked at him, ensuring that I had my "I'm so confused" face on. As he babbled, I said "I don't understand Japanese" (in purposely bad Japanese). Sales guy was beside himself, "your Japanese is so good!" (in Japanese).

Crap. That didn't work... but that ALWAYS works...

He went on about some new internet service, after asking if we have internet. I kept playing stupid in Japanese, "I don't know... I don't understand..." To which he seemed to gather his own confirmation, and continued on. I slowly let the door creep closer to the frame, hoping he would get the hint. He kept going.

Finally, after my tenth time saying I didn't understand, with only a few inches of open door now between us, Sales Guy asks:

"When will your husband be home?"

Me: "I don't understand..."

Sales Guy: "Does he work late?"

Me: "I don't understand..."

Sales Guy: "When does he come home?"

Obviously, my strategy was failing miserably - I couldn't get RID of this guy.

"Uh.... 6?"

Sales Guy nods, "Ok, we'll come back at 6. Thank you so much. Thank you. Sorry to bother you."

And with that I finally shut the door.

Poor David (husband), he got to deal with Sales Guy after coming home that evening. Somehow my fake stupidity didn't work. When did this happen? Is it some kind of rite of passage after two years of living here? Did he somehow know that I understood more than I let on? Oh pushy Sales Guy, were you just desperate enough to fill your quota that you had to pick on some poor-looking, foreign girl who says she doesn't understand over and over?

Need to plan a better strategy for next time.

sick in translation

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 12:58:00 +0000

You'd think that without a full-time job, there's all this time to do everything. Except that there isn't. I have part-time work, on top of that studying Japanese intensely since I decided I might try to shoot for the JLPT N3 this December (yes, lots to study), and then I started a blog in February: Surviving in Japan: (without much Japanese) , for anyone new to Japan or even those living here who might find some unique resources. Oh that's right, you must be thinking, and didn't she say she was working on writing?

What have I gotten myself into.

The work is good, in many ways, perfect for where I'm at and what I'm doing, and of course, gives us a little extra money. Japanese, well, it's nice to have some extra time to study more intensely. Finally found someone willing to practice speaking with me (in exchange, we'll practice English for her as well), as speaking is what I'm the worst at. I'm basically like an adult two year old who walks around saying the same ten words all the time, just smiling and grinning every time someone else says anything. Seriously, I'm learning this language the natural way, though I'd rather it all catch on more quickly.

What about the blog? I've been tweeting, socializing, networking, designing, programming and doing about everything I can to put myself and the blog out there. I want people to find it. And, hopefully, people will find it useful. So, if any of you know anyone going to Japan, send them the link, and let me know what else is useful to add - I'm beefing it up.

Never before did I understand how much work and time building something like this takes. Can't say I don't enjoy it, because honestly, I love it. It's fun and it incorporates things I love to do - writing, photography and design. A lot of the programming is self-taught, which makes the process take even more time, but I enjoy it nonetheless.

And then there's writing. Oh dear, sweet writing. Writing on this blog, or working on my book. I've discovered Starbucks is the best place to go - my perfect office. Except that Starbucks is a half hour away by train, so whenever I can go, I seem to be most productive. So for now, with all the other stuff, the writing is coming along, albeit rather slowly. Extremely slowly...

No matter. My body mounted a revolt against me last Friday - I have no idea what is wrong now. Sometimes I think I have some alien cells inside of me just mutating as they wish, evilly laughing as they poke around at my intestines, my liver, my bladder, my nose, my lungs, and whatever else they feel like disrupting. This should all seem normal - the extreme-I-can't-move-at-all fatigue, head that feels like it has doubled in weight, and volume, upset stomach, weakness that leaves me shaking just to lift a hand over my head. Yeah, yeah, been there, done that. I may as well dub myself the Queen of Illness and just move along with it.

As this happened over the weekend, and I had a training Monday morning, I frantically e-mailed my supervisor (since it was the weekend) letting him know something had happened and that I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it. Then I call Monday morning where the training was taking place, but no one answers so I leave a message. No one calls back, I wait. Then I decide to call again to make SURE someone had gotten the message and passed it along to my supervisor. The phone rings. A woman answers. "blah blah blah, company, blah blah," is essentially what it sounded like to me since it's Japanese, my head is cloudy and I can't focus at all. I knew she had just said the standard greeting, so I asked if English was ok (in Japanese).

She answers (in Japanese): "Oh yes! It's ok!"

Me (in English): "This is Ashley Thompson, Native Teacher. I have training..."

Lady on Phone (in Japanese): "Ah yes! What is your name? Are you a home teacher?"

Me (in English): "Ashley Thompson. No, not a home teacher, I'm a native teacher."

Lady on Phone (in Japanese): "I see. Where are you from?"

I knew she meant what country, but since this wasn't going the way I had imagined, I just said:

"Shimada."

Lady on Phone (in English): "No, what country."

Finally, she speaks English...

Me: "No, no, I am a native teacher, and I called this morning. I left a message. I am sick. I have training right now. There is training and I am sick."

Lady on Phone (in English): "Oh! Yes, yes! Native Teacher!"

Me (thinking, I want to sleep, why is this conversation so difficult): "Yes, I called this morning. I am sorry to miss the training but I am very sick."

Lady on Phone (English): "Ah yes I understand! I will tell (supervisor). I have your number and will call you with any questions. Take care!"

Me: "Thanks. Bye."

I still don't understand how we managed to have this conversation, but alas. I don't fault her really, she may have been confused about what I meant for all I know, but I didn't have the mental capacity to explain myself in this other language I'm trying to master. It's just my life. My life in Japan.

journey on

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 12:39:00 +0000

Sitting on the shinkansen (bullet train), staring out the window, as Fuji-san comes into view, trees, rivers and buildings blurring by in the foreground. I've witnessed foreigners jump up in excitement enough times, leaning over Japanese folks in the window seats, shoving their cameras against the glass. Strangely enough, Japanese people often do the same, although they are more subtle, and don't crawl into people's laps just to snap a photo - but I'll hear gasps and exclamations as they pull out their camera phones and snap away.

Fuji-san represents Japan, in all its glory. Even I, homegrown in the Pacific Northwest - home to some of the most majestic mountains in the world - feel a sense of awe when I see it. Mt. Rainier always captures me with its booming voice - a beast of a mountain that presides over everything around. Rainier feels wild and untamed, a mountain boasting its splendor. Mt. Baker is friendly - smiling over Whatcom County, shining on those few sunny days - inviting everyone to come out and play. Its presence is familiar, understandable, and trustworthy. The other volcanic mountains of Washington all have their own characteristics and feelings they provoke. Yet none capture the essence that Fuji-san offers, (likewise, Fuji will never be a beastly mountain like Rainier). Its song is subdued, melancholy, and humble, much like the traditional behavior and culture in Japan. The Japanese consider Fuji-san sacred. So I see Fuji, and I feel Japan - its heart. Those feelings sometimes become something I can't distinguish from what I feel - they are fast becoming ingrained in my understanding of Japan and the world.

History. Culture. Post-modernism. Japan was what it was and now is what it is, as it continues to change - holding onto parts of itself in the process, but allowing other parts to adapt, or being forced to simply because of the pace of this world. Japan is often accused of not keeping up, of not changing or adapting relations, or ways of thought. This is evident. Is it not understandable? When we are hit with change, with circumstances that force or require us to change, we often resist, hoping to hang on to the things that we think we are and define our identity. We don't always want to let go.

My time in Japan is fast approaching two years. My Japanese is improving, as it has suddenly taken hold as never before. My eyes and heart are seeing things even more clearly than those first days - taking in situations and events, looking at them through my Western eyes, but putting them through an Eastern view, a Japanese view, and adjusting, learning. I learn to distinguish, what equals culture and what equals humanity. What does it mean to be Japanese, or American. What does it mean to be human.

I never felt called to go overseas when I was young. There was never a pull or draw for me other than travel or perhaps school. Japan wasn't on my radar. Meeting my husband changed all of that, but coming to Japan changed even more. Meeting precious youth, learning their stories, feeling their pain. Realizing that my heart for children is the same no matter where I am, no matter what these darlings look like or act like - I still love them dearly. Seeing loneliness, heartache, and despair on a daily basis. Hopelessness. Helplessness. The feelings of people, of humans, who just want something meaningful - want to be loved and appreciated. Want to know they can reveal who they are as humans, without fear of shame or rejection. People who feel the same feelings I have felt, even though we've grown up across an ocean, we connect over those very basic emotions and events that make us human.

I'm not Japanese. I didn't grow up in Japan, like my husband. Japan is part of who he is. Yet, my life here, though short, has influenced me in ways that every other place I've ever lived has. Parts of Japanese society have found their way into my psyche, causing me to look at things much more than simply my own Western lens, one in which I've always known. My most significant life events thus far have happened in Japan - becoming engaged and married. I've met wonderful people and made friends who mean as much to me as anyone in the States. Though I'm a foreigner, and though I often live in a bubble - in between the two - I feel that Japan is now part of me. It's part of who I am. If I ever were to leave, that would stay with me forever. I can't erase the changes. I've allowed myself to be open to Japan, allowing it to speak to me, listening to the voices of people - voices that aren't always audible or said, but voices I hear just the same. This is Japan, and this is my home. Just like Seattle, Bellingham and Montana before it. Places that are part of who I am and who I've become.

Sometimes, it's hard. It's hard to let go of the past - of those relationships that were once so dear. But so many fall away. This stage I'm in, I'm adjusting to Japan. My mind knows it's a place we'll be, at least for a little while. So I'm letting go of before. I'm letting go of the ties that bind me so closely to the U.S. - the ties that won't let me move much farther. The connections will always be there, they will always be a part of me and who I am. I know and realize more and more that being American is such a part of me, but I also realize more and more how I don't really belong, truly, to any one nationality. I know I'm American, but I know my identity is found in much more than that. In Japan I'm a foreigner, and that and being American go hand in hand here. So, a bubble - but to me that's a good place to be. I'm neither here nor there, but I'm in the place I need to be, in the moment I need to be in. Hanging on to the past has me tethered.

Not anymore.

Cutting ropes is the only way to go forward, to live the life I'm meant to live, to change and become who I'm meant to be. Though I'm slowly becoming part of Japan, I also sense myself slowly becoming less a part of the U.S. I'm not who I was when I got on that plane almost two years ago, in fact, I'm surprised to remember her. Even from a year ago, I am different. Marriage has had a hand in that too. So much of who I am and was has been weeded out, changed, and adjusted - but for the better, or just differently. It wasn't surprising; I already knew it would happen. I knew, as I strapped in and watched the Seattle skyline shrink and disappear, that I had left myself behind.

*all photos taken with my iPhone

the art of summer, pigeon courtship and riding a mama-chari

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 10 May 2010 09:41:00 +0000

So, what's happened in the past month? What is happening in the daily Japanese life of me?

Well, Spring warmed up. A lot. As in, straight to mid/upper 70's (mid 20's in Celsius). David (my husband) and I basked in sunshine over Golden Week, at a BBQ, Wisteria Festival, Shimada Central Park, and the various other places we found ourselves. My translucent-looking skin finally met the sun again, and they reminisced as usual, without the redness. And just before Golden Week, I got a part-time job, teaching English and going to English type events (where they want a native speaker). It's a great opportunity, flexible hours and schedule, and a good way to continue interacting with kids and adults, as I had to quit JET a few months ago.

Then, during Golden Week, another part-time job fell into my lap. This one has to do with a website known as expatwomen.com. This also is a fantastic opportunity, and ironic it just appeared. For anyone trying to market themselves, get on Twitter. Do it.

Though the cherry blossoms are now gone, the wisteria were in full bloom during Golden Week, and we managed to experience them on the last day of the Wisteria Festival in Fujieda.

Their appearance is akin to rain, though flowers, just draping themselves over support structures. People can walk underneath them, and how magical it is.

Wisteria soft cream was also served during the festival, which I tried before (it is rather hard to explain the taste of floral ice cream), but as we went again on the last day of the festival, they were already sold out.

After two quick days between Golden Week and the weekend, David and I hopped on the train straight down to the peninsula in Aichi prefecture, next to Shizuoka. We stayed at a hotel on a cliff in Irago, overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The view was gorgeous, and the onsen/spa at the hotel was quite new and modern, with giant windows overlooking the best view, including one large outdoor bath that looks like an infinity pool. Our first night, I sat in the outdoor bath, watching the sunset.

When I was planning this trip, my goal was to find a decent, affordable hotel, with private baths and possibly a beach. (Or mountains, but all those hotels were booked already). Usually, I check a map and make sure there are things like food and a convenience store (conbini) near by. However, when I looked at the map, it seemed as if these things were near enough to the hotel, and David and I could just use the rental bicycles to get to such places.

After our buffet breakfast Saturday morning, we went out to get our rental bikes, otherwise known as mama-chari. I've never ridden a mama-chari before, but at least my bike had a 3-speed gear, though we never did figure out how it worked. It also had a bell, as typical, and since my cross bike doesn't have a bell, I happily began dinging it while trying to stay in a straight line on the bulky granny bike that was so much harder to control. David, ended up with a bike with no gears, an older model, and looked somewhat like a man trying to ride a kid's bike, because of the bike's small size. So, he glared, and I dinged the bell repeatedly and laughed, as we went flying down the hill from the hotel (my mind did not yet realize we would have to come back UP this hill).

We went down the main path and continued on a road, surrounded by farms, wind power generators, and more farms. Lynden, Washington instantly came to mind, as I had not yet seen so many farms in one place in Japan. The smell of manure was much more apparent, and we even rode past a cow barn, something I rarely see here. The bike ride continued for another 25-30 minutes, when David mentioned something about having biked five kilometers. We were both quite tired of constantly pedaling on our mama-chari, moving three times slower than accustomed to on our "real" bikes. So before we got anywhere near "town" as I had hoped we'd get to, for food, we stopped at a conbini for some snacks (and though I had a feeling we should buy some food for lunch, pushed it aside thinking we could surely find food elsewhere). Then, back we went, into the wind and stink of manure, ducking the giant flying bugs, toward the beach.

Eventually we made it there, tired, but since there wasn't much around, continued on to the ferry terminal, where there were supposedly restaurants. Only a few, and nothing really good stood out, and I commented that all I wanted was some soba. After infiltrating a fancy hotel, and checking out four other restaurants (all seafood of course), we decided the best idea would be to head back to the hotel. So after biking for a couple hours, on our slow bikes, and without food other than chocolate almonds and iced tea, we pedaled back towards the hotel, stopping and pushing our bikes up hill most of the way. Finally, we reached the hill to the hotel, where I thought about collapsing on the ground and crying in hopes that someone would take pity on me and give me a ride up the blasted thing. Well, David was already far ahead of me so I just followed, slowing with each step, contemplating thoughts of shoving my bike over an edge, or falling down, because then someone would probably stop. Nearing the top, sweating, and lightheaded, anger welled inside me. No, rage. I hate this bike. I hate this hill. Why can't they just have an elevator or escalator for bikes? Do people really do this very often? And, where is David?

He had disappeared, already at the top, waiting for me. I shuffled my way there, barely conscious, and collapsed in tears when we got to our room. Lack of food, you know. So we ate at the cafe in the hotel, for the second time. Fried potatoes made it better.

Our hotel was at the top of this hill:

Then, though I never wanted to come up the hill again, we went to the beach that was closer to the hotel. We played in the sand and waves and had a photoshoot. And, spied on a couple walking along the beach, holding hands. When they thought no one was looking, the guy leaned over and kissed the girl, and I commented about how romantic and strange that is, since Japanese don't usually show PDA, except in some cases where they show too much... David just rolled his eyes.

Oh, the beach, how I wished to spend my entire day there, but could not because of our 50-mile (80 km) bike ride.

Well, it felt like 50 miles.

I also taught David how to take portraits. He caught on pretty quick:

Then, after a quick jaunt to the lighthouse, back to the hotel. Though, David pushed my bike up this time, while I balanced it. So chivalrous.

I should note that, during the time between dinner (at the cafe, again...) and when we got back, I observed the pigeons out our window that had been there most of the day. This compelled me to research pigeon mating rituals, since it is spring after all, and one sat with its behind against the wall for the better part of the day, cooing and growling. Although, the noises escalated when the other bird was gone, seemingly trying to get attention. The other one mostly hopped around the ledge, or flew back every time the one making noise grew more upset. Codependent bird. Throughout this ordeal, I once sneaked a glance at them nuzzling each other with their beaks. David, somehow, napped through most of this. If anyone knows the noises pigeons make when they court, please let me know.

I think this one was trying to decide what to do about his/her growling/cooing friend. Or perhaps rethinking his/her decision to commit to said co-dependent bird.

And that, mostly sums up our weekend. Though I've left out the sickening bus rides to and from the hotel to the train station, or the small children that women bring into the onsen and jump around as if in some water park, splashing you in the face when you're just trying to relax.

So now, it's back to real life, and back to being a working girl again.

effects of divorce on children

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 05:09:00 +0000

Twitter has me hooked. What I thought was simply just meaningless drivel showed me a wealth of information and knowledge that Twitter holds. Topics from writing to photography offer tips, suggestions, advice, and even ways to communicate with those who are already pros in their field. I can also practice Japanese, in short 140 character tweets. Sometimes I will check English for native Japanese speakers, and they will respond by checking my Japanese. Easy, quick, and free.

People can follow subjects by typing "#" in front of a keyword. For example, #japanese or #writing or #photography. As I learn more about Twitter, find new followers and discover new topics of interest, one important topic usually sits in my "following" categories: divorce. Particularly the effects on children.

What I've come to find is that many parents are twittering (or tweeting or twitting) about the possible effects of divorce on their children - often in ways to ease nerves and guilt. Anyone who knows me well knows this is a passionate subject of mine, and so many of the shared tweets are actually ignorant and further exacerbate the problems of divorce pertaining to children.

As for why I bring this up: I am an adult child of divorce. My parents got separated and subsequently divorced when I was twelve. My entire adolescence was ridden with emotional angst, fears and insecurities that I didn't fully realize until I was nineteen. Consequently, I researched divorce and its effects on children. Though there isn't a lot of research out there right now, I probably own every book that has been published on the subject. My major was Social Sciences and thus learned more about families, child and adolescent development, and family crises. My opinions aren't biased from experience; I back up everything I say with credible sources and research. This subject is one that has yet to be completely publicized, and it is my hope that this may help in some way.

The fact of the matter is, divorce is traumatic. For everyone involved. I doubt anyone who has gone through one or is going through one would deny that. The only time divorce may be less traumatic is if it's a high-conflict or abusive situation. Most of the articles I've ever read about divorce are written by parents for parents, and usually take the tone of "your kids will be fine, and here's why," with a list that lacks any real evidence or academic research.

Kids are not fine. Most people may know of the research about how some kids may go on to commit crime or drop out of school, and the social scientist in me would go further with that to say other factors in their life also influence those choices. However, what about the kids who "seem" fine? The kids who are usually happy, have friends, get straight A's, do well at sports or art or music? What about those seemingly well-adjusted kids?

First of all, the age of the child at the time of divorce will have some effect on how they respond to it. So will personality and numerous external factors. Not every child will respond the same way. External factors can increase or decrease the risk of issues.

Second, children lack the brain development to completely understand the situation and subsequently grieve completely. Though they may be sad or act out, their brains are unable to comprehend everything surrounding the divorce, and in that sense, the emotions and feelings surrounding it "go to sleep" in their minds. This is what researcher Judith Wallerstein calls "the sleeper effect." Whatever issues or hurt the child may have towards the divorce won't appear completely until they are older and capable of processing the events. Once they realize and are aware of these issues, the feelings that surface will often feel fresh and new as if the event just happened recently. Some people never realize how their parents' divorce (or any past event) affects them, and go through life carrying the same issues and hurt without ever dealing with it.

Third, divorce is a kind ambiguous loss. The child loses their family structure. Oftentimes this means losing one of the parents. If that parent leaves completely, or is only partially involved or sees their children some of the time, it creates an ambiguity that perpetuates the grieving cycle. If a parent were to die, however, the loss would be perceived as permanent, and the child would be able to properly grieve over time (this doesn't mean it hurts more or less, just that the grieving process can actually happen). Children of divorce always have a feeling of ambiguity because their parent could appear at any time, even if they haven't seen that parent for most of their lives. They aren't truly gone, at least not in a way that they can process and grieve over.

Children of divorce can and do experience many negative effects, depending on their personality, external factors, severity of divorce and the kind of relationship their parents had before, during and after the divorce, as well as their parenting style. For example, perhaps a child seems well-adjusted. They do well at school, they play sports, they have some friends, and they seem like a normal child. This same child may start to exhibit behaviors depending on their situation, especially in adolescence. If the father is uninvolved, or the child feels unloved, they may seek out this kind of male attention in other ways. Perhaps among coaches or teachers, or among their peers (which happens often). They may become physically and sexually involved with their peers at an earlier age due to a lack of love and affection that they are so desperately wanting. Their romantic relationships may be ridden with insecurity and codependent tendencies.

They may be driven toward perfectionism, in relationships and in things they do, to feed their need for positive attention and affirmation. Their ability to take on responsibility at a young age causes them to grow up faster, and put more strain and stress on themselves in what they do. Their inability to have good relationships may drive them to victim cycles, which are perpetuated every time they are (inevitably) hurt by their peers. The cycle continues, as they push themselves to be more and more of a victim in hopes that someone will validate their hurts and help them.

They may become controlling in order to control every situation around them so nothing ends badly. They may become manipulative of people in certain circumstances to get what they want, especially in romantic situations or encounters with the opposite sex. If they are in a romantic relationship, they may either shut themselves away and not open up at all to the other person, or they may become codependent and clingy, essentially driving the other person away in their efforts to keep them from doing so in the first place.

Most children and adolescents are unaware that they are hurting due to their parents' divorce, or even what they may be missing and wanting from their parents. This is due to the "sleeper effect." These cycles then continue into adulthood and affect many, if not all, aspects of their lives. It doesn't mean they aren't still high-achievers, since they appear to be well-adjusted adults. However, they lack the ability to have healthy romantic relationships (and sometimes even just friendships). Their codependent tendencies will effectively ruin many of their relationships. Playing victim will exhaust and chase away many people, furthering their victim cycle.

These are just some examples. Children respond differently, and a parents' divorce will not affect every child in the exact same way. Furthermore, many of these issues and tendencies can surface due to other events or even just specific parenting styles. Some children from non-divorced homes may exhibit many of the same behaviors. Also, some couples have what researchers call an "emotional divorce" - they are still together, perhaps for the kids, but emotionally distant and act as if they aren't married.

I am not saying parents should simply "stay together for the kids." This is ultimately counter-productive. My main encouragement is to do everything possible to work through the issues couples are experiencing, get counseling, do everything they absolutely can to try and help their marriage. Aside this, I would strongly encourage anyone about to get married to heavily consider who they are marrying. Talk about a variety of issues and topics. Try pre-marital counseling. Get to know the person completely before you marry them. I realize that marriage allows you to know a person even more, but I think a lot of the marital problems that exist today either stem from marrying someone who isn't right in the first place, or, more probable, the issues one or both spouses carry from their own past limit their ability to effectively communicate and fully love each other.

However, even after all of that, if a couple still decides to get divorced, or if they already are (and have children), kids may not be ok, but that doesn't mean they can't be. The first step is awareness and acknowledgment of hurt. Adult children of divorce have to first see how events in their past have affected them. Secondly, they must grieve. Sadness, anger, and all of the grieving processes are essentially the same. The only way to move forward is to allow those emotions to surface. Offering forgiveness is essential - because if the adult child of divorce cannot express forgiveness, they will stay stuck in the grieving process.

Seeking out counseling may be helpful for some, as could reading books written by and/or for adult children of divorce. Writing or keeping a journal can be helpful to process thoughts and emotions. Having support in some way is extremely helpful, although not everyone always does (sometimes because they've chased everyone away unintentionally), and being able to process with someone who is willing to listen (not the parents though) can be helpful.

I did a variety of these things and it took me about three years to go through the entire grieving process. Even after, some things still acted as triggers and I had to deal with each specific trigger as it appeared. Even getting engaged and married brought about a variety of triggers and conflicted feelings that are common to adult children of divorce. I'm fortunate to have a great husband who has known me for years and watched me go through the healing process (though we weren't together at that time). He understands how the divorce affected me and is very patient when those triggers surface. It also helps that he comes from a stable home.

In summary, there is always hope. Kids will not be fine after a divorce, but that doesn't mean they can't be.

Resources:

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study by Judith Wallerstein

Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt

Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain by Jen Abbas

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief by Pauline Boss

Growing Up Divorced: For Adults Who Once Suffered the Trauma of Their Parents' Divorce by Archibald D. Hart

Adult Children of Legal or Emotional Divorce: Healing Your Long Term Hurt by Jim Conway

thai-inspired salmon chowder

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 12:47:00 +0000

Writing. Write, write, write. Study. Study Japanese. The two things I focus on most of the day each day - the two things I need to focus on. So, things like cleaning, organizing, laundry, and gasp, even cooking and gardening get put on hold. Of course I still cook (although not as much as I was during the winter) and try to make sure my new container plants survive, but cleaning has fallen a bit by the wayside. I'm definitely more thankful than ever for a husband who helps out with so much around the house, even though he works all day too.

This makes me feel sorry for Japanese housewives though. Wives with a full-time job are still expected to do the cooking and cleaning for their families. Japanese women are generally surprised that David does so much around the house, whether it's he or I that tells them. Though I like a lot about Japan and the culture, there are some things that don't sit well with me, and the lack of egalitarian marriages is one of them. I'm grateful that I, as a foreigner, am not restricted to such cultural traditions. However, if my spouse was Japanese, chances are that he would expect me to take on the bulk of house maintenance and cooking, even though I'm not Japanese. This isn't always true, but in general, it's how men in Japan are raised, and expectations they are taught.

I'm also grateful that my husband is a good cook, and that he likes (or at least seems to sometimes) chopping up veggies. And willingly cuts up the raw chicken that I don't particularly enjoy touching. Then I often execute the cooking process and ensure the final product is something I'm satisfied with (and usually if I am satisfied with it, David loves it). Sometimes I will do everything and sometimes David does everything, but the majority of the time we both help get dinner finished so we can eat at a reasonable time. Plus, it makes our evening time fun when we do things together.

A couple months ago, when winter was still hugging us tightly and refusing to let go, we decided to make salmon chowder one day. I made it a month or so before that and it turned out well. However, this particular day we were lacking many of the ingredients for regular chowder, such as milk and potatoes. Rather than have David go to the store, I decided to use the coconut milk we had in the cupboard and the sweet potatoes sitting on the table. As I sauteed onions and pulled out ingredients, I let creativity take over. Sweet potatoes and coconut milk, why not go in a Thai direction? I began to add various ingredients that I used for pad thai and curry dishes, mixing, seasoning and tasting as I went. Then it all came together; I knew it was ready, and yummy. Upon the first bite, David almost fell over, claiming he was in food heaven.

I did a quick internet search to see if I could find any similar recipes, but to no avail. Had I really created something unique and new? As one who adores food blogs and cooking recipes from them, I never thought I would come up with something I couldn't find anywhere else. I am happy to cook what others have perfected (while sometimes adapting). Yet, this Thai-inspired salmon chowder came together for me rather nicely, and I had a few chances to improve it before sharing it with you. Oh, and one of the great things about this chowder is that you can make it as spicy as you want it to be, while adjusting seasonings to your particular taste (much like traditional pad thai, with fish sauce, sugar, etc). If you try it, let me know how it turns out!

Thai-inspired Salmon Chowder

Ingredients:

1 tbsp oil (I used peanut oil - I'm sure a neutral oil would work well also)
1 onion, chopped
2-3 cloves garlic, minced (more if small, less if large)
1 large sweet potato (or 2 small/medium ones), chopped into 1 inch or smaller cubes
2 cups chicken stock
1 tsp garam masala
1/2 tsp paprika
2 tsp dried basil
1 tbsp curry powder (I used regular curry powder, but feel free to try red or yellow curry paste, adjusting to your spice preferences)
1 - 1 1/2 tsp fish sauce

1 carrot (I used a fat Japanese carrot, so you may need to use more than one carrot)
1 cup coconut milk
1 1/2 tbsp creamy unsweetened peanut butter (omit sugar if you use sweetened peanut butter)
1 tsp dried or fresh basil
1/2 tbsp curry powder
1/4 - 1/2 tsp dried chopped chilis or chili powder (put in more to add heat)
1 tbsp sugar or maple syrup
1 - 1 1/2 lb salmon fillet, cut into one inch cubes (make sure it's skinless and boneless too)
1 1/2 tbsp lime juice

Heat a pot over medium/low heat and saute onions until translucent. Add garlic and cook until fragrant. Add potatoes and saute briefly, (but don't brown). Mix in chicken stock, garam masala, paprika, basil, curry powder and fish sauce. Cover and let simmer on low heat until potatoes are soft

Mash potatoes (use a potato masher or a fork) (they don't have to be completely mashed, just enough to give the broth a thick consistency). Add carrots and simmer on low heat until fork tender (covered).

Mix in coconut milk, peanut butter, basil, chilis, curry powder until peanut butter dissolves. Taste and adjust to your preference accordingly. Add in salmon and simmer on low (don't boil) 5-7 minutes, until salmon is cooked through. Mix in lime juice. Adjust any last seasonings, garnish with fresh basil if you'd like, and enjoy.

Makes about 4 servings.

untethering

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 13:59:00 +0000

The title of this blog is Untethered, at least for now. When I was trying to make a decision about some kind of unique title, moving away from "Sayonara, Goodbye," untethered was the word that kept coming back to mind. I went through various ideas, scoured the thesaurus, slept on it (for a long time) but nothing else stood out. So I revamped my blog, slapped the title on a picture and called it good. Suddenly now, I'm realizing how prophetic that word is, in a way, according to my life.

These last few months, or maybe five, six months, have been challenging in so many ways. Rewarding and eye-opening in some, but certainly challenging. Though I'm on the mend now and most days I feel, more or less, normal, that significant chunk of time completely isolated me from the world. I find this slightly ironic as we visited Seattle for two weeks in December. That time was mostly good, and seeing so many familiar faces was also good, but at the same time, left me feeling slightly alienated and confused. I walked and talked and interacted with the same demeanor I had over two years ago. At times, I wasn't sure how to act, or I felt confused about the discrepancy in how I thought I used to be with particular people, and how I supposedly am now. I pushed the thoughts aside and simply tried to enjoy the little time we had in the US, but those thoughts and feelings that come with it have slowly magnified themselves over the past few months.

As my illness isolated me physically, the distance from the US, as well as circumstances in Japan, also created emotional isolation. Who did I talk to? David and the internet were my main links to anything outside of our apartment. We tried to go to church every now and then, although when we did we could never stay long enough to socialize with anyone or do much afterward. All the plans and invites from other ALTs in the area were postponed and subsequently forgotten, my RSVP always: "when I'm better..." As such, I felt the world around me had kept moving, while my world held the shutters closed and only allowed me to peer out every now and then to see what was going on, and left me wondering if I could ever get out again.

As of now, I still often feel as if I'm peering out the window. I see the social interactions happen around me (Facebook is like a window to everything social), and feel a pain as to how hopeless it is for me to even try to enter into those groups. I've always been the person that has difficulty in social interactions, particularly groups. I force it out, bending and twisting who I am to conform to some kind of person that I know will be accepted by others. I feel as if I'm shunning myself - condemning myself back behind that window while this alter-ego of mine tries to engage, make connections and friends. When it's all said and done, it wasn't really me at that table, smiling, laughing, talking. It was just the me that works in society - that works in circumstances so as not to make others uncomfortable or create social awkwardness.

Then I see all that is keenly familiar to me in the US. My friends, family, people I know so well and spent significant amounts of time with. Though some of these relationships still run strong, and have stood the test of time and change (and how thankful I am for those relationships!), others have simply dissipated across the world, both literally and figuratively. Some that I've known for most of my life, seem so strange to me now, not in any bad way, but like we hardly know each other. I feel like a completely different person from when I was twenty, fifteen, ten. So much so that these encounters bring with them a sense of confusion. Old traits and habits and demeanor haunt me and escape from within, though they don't show up in my current daily life. I feel foreign - who is this person that is waving my hand and moving my lips?

I want to relate to those I've known so long - those that have been part of significant moments in my life. Some of them still work quite well. They work despite change and developing identity and 4,000 miles of distance. They work despite differences or similarities in religion or beliefs or values. Those people that I met in random moments, and instantly clicked with, have been some of the best kind of friends. Even if a considerable amount of time goes between talking to those kind of people, I still know that I can always consider them a close friend. And yet other relationships, it hurts me to say, seem to have become more and more distant over the years of change and physical distance. They are almost a burden - a forced interaction that just doesn't seem to work. Or those relationships that I considered so close, that aren't in the first two categories I've mentioned, that don't seem to work simply because I am no longer a part of their daily life, and they are no longer a part of mine.

Sometimes thoughts pervade my mind in attempts to convince me that people in the aforementioned relationships simply don't care. Yet, I know everyone cares, in their own way. I know that life has just continued to take its course, and carried people with it. This is normal. Life carried me to Japan. And I'm living in Japan, with my best friend (who also happens to be my husband), and carving out a life here, for whatever is ahead of us on this road. To everyone who has not lived in a foreign country for at least a year, this is probably a difficult concept, although not as difficult if you think of it as moving to a new city, or state, or something like that. Those of you who are and have lived in a foreign country, you already know. You lose the community you left behind. Though, you may still have some of those cherished connections, you inevitably lose some (or a lot) too.

Though I hardly considered the US my main "home" to begin with, since I've felt disconnected plenty of times, it has started to feel less and less like a home base in really any sense. So if anyone asked me why I might want to go back, I would probably say (aside family), for Whole Foods or competent doctors. The US is awesome in a lot of ways, and Seattle and Washington are so dear to my heart and always will be. Japan has become so much more to me though, and my increasing knowledge of the country, language, and its people just fill my heart with so much love, angst and peace that it feels like it's the place to be, for me. Though I'm still in social limbo, and though I've yet to really integrate myself more and more into the community (foreign and Japanese), I realize that in the end, it is still a good place. It is the right place. Sometimes some things are frustrating, or difficult, or annoying, and yes, I certainly don't fit in here simply because I'm a foreigner. Foreigners are like me, and the US, and Western culture, since I am one too. The way I act around those I am more familiar with is how I'm accustomed to acting in those situations. Yet, around Japanese people, there aren't all those preconceptions. Oh, of course there are preconceptions and misunderstandings about foreigners, but oddly enough, in a society based on conformity, I don't feel like I have to be a certain way with those I meet. There is something strangely refreshing about knowing that this person you are talking to just wants to know who you are, and what you are like, as a foreigner. One of those few circumstances where I can exercise the "be who you are" mantra that is preached constantly in Western culture (especially in the States).

So this brings me back to my title. Normally, I love to engage people and make them laugh in what I write. I love to make light of my problems or issues or mishaps in order to make others smile or just give them a small break from the seriousness of life. I love doing this. Yet, I realized today, as I pondered my lack of sense of community, that I'd forgotten about this whole idea of being "untethered." Why allow myself to be tied down to one subject, to one way of acting around other people? Why does it matter? Why do I say I don't care what people think but yet sometimes still act like I do? Why don't I just allow my friendships and relationships to just develop naturally (as I've come to believe they should) instead of forcing relationships with those I just don't necessarily click with? Note: I'm not saying I don't want to meet a variety of people or talk to people, since I love hearing people's stories. I'm just saying I don't think I should feel like I need to be everyone's best friend.

It's a serious topic, I know. Please don't think I'm mentally depressed or on the verge of joining a cult or anything like that. I'm doing about as fine as someone in my situation could be. Not great, but good in the sense that I know I'm growing, and learning something about myself and the people around me, and just about life. So, in that sense, I'm thankful for process.

of fish and sulfur and random arrests

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 12:59:00 +0000

Expat Women Blog Directory

A weekend. Away from my apartment. A chance to finally be outside, to ride trains and buses and apparently, a ropeway. To try new things, see new places, visit with an old friend, relax a bit, make a fool of myself and laugh at things that are just so "Japan."

Yes, a weekend trip to Hakone (Kanagawa Prefecture) planned for the first weekend of April, with a friend I clicked with right away after arriving in Japan, and who I hardly get to see, as she lives rather far from me. So we planned. Wrote excited facebook messages back and forth. Exclaimed our perpetual ruts and need to get out into the world and laugh again. If it sounds over-dramatic, well, it probably is.

The weekend started off with my first long train ride since going to the U.S. in December. It lasted about an hour and a half, all of which I unfortunately had to stand. This was a Saturday morning, and when I saw the train before mine leave the station empty, I was happy that I would find a seat on my train. However, this was not the case, as the train was completely packed, and not one person got up from any of the seats the entire way. Not even at the big cities that most people get off at. No - I stood. And stood. And stood some more. Sometimes I sighed loudly when no one got off at the stops. Where were all these people going? I will never know. I was at the second to last stop on the train line when I got off... so my only assumption is that they were ALL going to Tokyo - the slow way.

Met up with my friend, bought a travel pass, and hopped on the bus for a fifty minute ride up into the mountains. And for some reason, the roads are ridiculously windy. No, the stereotypical kind of windy that you see in cartoons. Where the car tips at the edge. That's sometimes what the bus felt like. As someone recovering from motion sickness, I had to resist the urge to hurl. At least I had brought a pack of saltines, and quickly downed them, hoping that would help out my stomach.

If you are waiting to hear me say that I actually threw up, well, sorry, but I didn't. I survived, and we got off the bus in Moto-Hakone, exclaiming over the slight dip in temperature from where we had been just an hour ago.

After a soba lunch and some sweet potato ice cream, we hopped back on a bus to Yunessan, a water park. There are two parts to the park, an onsen (where you strip down to your birthday suit) and a public bath/pool area. They've got all kinds of baths, waterslides, pools, etc. Our eyes got big as we entered the giant building, giggling excitedly and then tried to navigate our way to the entrance. My friend noted the way the building was laid out, that every floor below the entrance was essentially a "tourist trap." Since, you have to pass through the shops and whatnot to get to the entrance. (Well, then she bought some socks.)

Our afternoon was spent lazing away in various baths, including coffee, wine, sake and green tea baths. Not to be outdone by beverages, a charcoal bath also persuaded us to try it, and a walking bath (you just walk through hot water over awkwardly bumpy rocks that really just hurt your feet). Kids were everywhere, screaming and splashing everyone around them. For some reason the parents take them to all the baths instead of just leaving them in the pool areas with the "spa guards."

Aside all the dead skin flakes in the baths, they were quite nice and relaxing. I suspect the green tea and wine baths were really just color-dyed, although one brave kid actually dipped his hands in and drank some of the "wine" water. He didn't really react, although he didn't try it again.

We also were wondering if the wine had gotten to one couple, who looked all too absorbed in each other and putting on such a PDA show that I almost felt like we weren't in Japan for a moment. And of course, the entire time they were doing this, two blond girls across the bath were snickering and staring at them. (Would you bet that one of those girls was me?)

After we had our fill of ~~skin-flake~~ baths, the next logical stop was to have our dead skin taken care of. Japan (and many other countries) have what some call "doctor fish" - little fish that eat the dead skin off your feet. It was our first time doing this, and I was absolutely ecstatic over the fact that fish would want to just eat away my dead skin. They do all the work! As we dipped our feet in the fish pool, the fishes swarmed around my feet and went nuts. Felt like little electric jolts, but it wasn't painful or anything, tickled mostly. When they told us it was time to stop, the fish didn't seem to want to let go... They seemed to love my feet more than anyone else's in the pool. Though some may think it sounds disgusting, I was happy - at least they took good care of my feet. They were so nice and smooth afterward.

Next was the onsen, to clean off the rest of the dead skin flakes and relax in actual clean water. After drying, was fresh fruit juice, churros, and relaxing. Then, decided we should head to the hotel, which took us twice as long as it should have, as we exited the back of the giant building, walked in a complete circle and ended up in the front of the same building (laughing, at the fact we had just walked around the building). Walked to the wrong hotel and then headed back to our starting point to take a shuttle (that we didn't know about beforehand) from the water park to our hotel. All this while still not having eaten dinner, and concerned we would miss dinner time and have to eat convenience store food. Though, all ended well, as a yakitori restaurant was open until 9:30. The sakura (cherry blossom) ice cream I had for dessert was amazing (and sadly I don't have a picture of it to share with you).

Sunday was filled with tourists as we took the "tourist" loop from where we were back to where we started the day before. A cable car from Gora to Sounzan. The ropeway from Sounzan to Owakudani to Togendai. A pirate ship (ferry) from Togendai across Lake Ashinoko back to Hakone-machi. Normally, the views are spectacular and Mt. Fuji can be seen up close and personal, however, the entire day Sunday was cloud-covered, thus leaving me to sigh heavily over missing a perfect chance to capture Fuji-san. The clouds and haze still provided an interesting backdrop though, mysterious and intriguing all at the same time.

The cable car, at Sounzan (the top of the mountain).

The Hakone Ropeway - longest ropeway in the world.

Ropeway in action:

Going over the infamous "sulfur pit" to Owakudani.

In Owakudani, they boil eggs in the sulfur hot springs, turning them black. The legend goes that eating these eggs adds seven years to your life. In any case, I'm sure they make people cheerful, as the egg is so happy and cheerful itself:

Where they boil eggs:

Down to the lake to meet our pirate ship.

The pirate ship:

By this time, we had been standing in lines for awhile, surrounded by overly-exuberant Japanese people, loud, ignorant foreigners and screaming children, and really both just wanted to go home and sleep. Our patience had dwindled, our excitement lost. Even the crisp, freezing cold mountain air was making us cranky. We probably sounded like two old women, walking around and grumbling loudly about the crazy Japanese people who always cut us off or stop in the middle the walkway and cause a traffic jam, and the foreigners who just get in the way and never shut up. Even I, someone who loves children, felt like throwing them overboard or grabbing their arm and scaring them into silence. We were unhappy, tired, and cranky, we knew it, we were being impatient, and we didn't care.

So would I recommend taking the typical tourist loop in Hakone? No. I would say, do everything the tourists won't typically do. Unless you really want to ride the ropeway. I must admit, that part was pretty interesting. The cable car definitely wasn't, however. Perhaps you may want to try a sulfur-cooked egg. I passed, as eggs just aren't my thing. I honestly don't know what intrigues people to walk through sulfur gas-filled stench to see a bunch of orange rock and sulfur hot springs, but I suppose it was interesting in its own pungent way. I was happy to bring home a new Kitty-chan mug from Owakudani to add to my collection.

After all of this, and a sickening bus ride back down the mountain, and 45 minutes on the train whilst having to pee, I hopped off at a random station to use the restroom and get a quick snack. I see a police car pull over a car on the road just outside the train tracks. The police inquire the man, then practically drag him out of the car and put him in the back of the squad car. The two women and children hustle out, worried looks on their faces, watching. Eventually, when the police don't get out of their car, the women and children take off walking down the street. I tried to non-nonchalantly walk down the platform in order to get a better view without tipping off the policemen I was prying, while greedily stuffing Pocky in my mouth, but when I wasn't looking, the pulled-over car had disappeared, and the man was gone from the back seat. Perhaps they let him go? The next time I glanced over the police car was gone too. I have no idea what happened exactly, if they were just speeding and the man didn't comply with the cops or something, but then again, I haven't really sat and watched Japanese police pull speeding cars over. Maybe it's standard procedure. (I doubt it). Random, yes.

Now that this post is longer than my weekend, I should probably end it. The other funny stories shall come next time. If you can wait that long.

kitchen mishaps, triumphs and summer dreams

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 13:06:00 +0000

Am I in Washington? It sure feels like it. This incessant rain that allows only irregular sun breaks, and even with those sun breaks we still get cold and wind gusts. The cherry blossoms should say otherwise - that it should be warm and sunny and spring-like, but, it isn't. Perhaps I'm hoping for too much, considering it is only March, albeit the end of March. I've had enough of winter though. The cold, the dark, the unusual rain, being sick and inside... Instead I dream of exotic beach vacations and summer skirts and sandals, reminding myself that one day soon I'll be able to walk in the warm sunshine, soaking up as much as possible before the next winter. (Don't let that picture to the left fool you, that was one sunny day out of many rainy ones...)

Then I remember, the awful sunburns I got last summer despite using 65SPF sunscreen, the ones that still mark certain parts of my skin. Or the incessant humidity that leaves one with bladder infections, frizzed out hair and an oily face. Or, the mosquitoes - the blasted bugs that infiltrate my living space and steal my blood late at night, consequently leading to sleepless nights. Oh yes, and the shrieking bugs that resemble giant beetles that enjoy serenading the world at an ungodly hour of the morning since Japan does not believe in daylight savings time, also causing sleepless nights. Curse you, cicadas. I digress.

Now that I think about it, maybe summer isn't as dreamy as I thought... Perhaps I'll be wishing for winter again come August. For now though, I anticipate the warmer months.

Today was another one of those rainy days. Rain that blows sideways and upside down and every which way possible. It is such that, even though I was thoroughly bundled from head to toe, even outfitted with waterproof shoe covers that come up to my shins, and a raincoat that just allows my eyes to peek out, I still get wet. So, upon returning home from errands in the erratic rain, I decided today was definitely a curry day.

So around 5, I get the onions chopped and sauteing on the stove, whilst I mince garlic and ginger and gather the rest of my ingredients from around the kitchen. I'll take a brief tangent here to say that the past week I have begun spring cleaning, which includes organizing and trying to get our apartment more in order. Things are coming together slowly but surely, and maybe one day soon after I get more done and we can actually make some more purchases, I'll be able to share pictures of our place.

Back to curry. The onions are caramelizing and so I throw in the ginger and garlic, and then follow with water, stock, a bay leaf and star anise. That simmers nicely as the flavors amalgamate. About an hour later I get the still-somewhat-frozen chicken in the pot as David returns soaking wet from playing with children. Since the chicken was so cold, I turned the stove up and put the lid back on to get everything heated quickly without allowing bacteria or anything to form. Well, as I got caught up in talking with David per usual end-of-the-day conversations, I completely forgot I had left the burner on high, and sat down to read some food blogs while I "waited" for the chicken to "slowly" cook.

Maybe 20 or so minutes later I heard a sound like perhaps the water was boiling over, and rushed to the stove, where, in dismay, I realized I had left the stove on high, and when I nearly burned my hand taking off the lid, felt my stomach drop at the sight of the scorched pot, a pile of chicken in the middle... and the broth completely evaporated. What else could I do? I started crying, then burned my hand (on accident). It is silly isn't it, since it's not like we can't make curry still, and David comforted me and told me it was ok. I felt utterly stupid for forgetting about the stove, and just stupid that though I started dinner about two hours earlier, I'd have to start over again. So I did, and David thoughtfully cleaned out the pot for me. Although, from there on out, I kept dropping things and having issues all around, which eventually led me to collapse on the floor in laughter. It was all too ridiculous, how could I not laugh?

The curry turned out fine as usual, though slightly different than if it had been cooked much longer. Nonetheless, still delicious.

Although, despite the curry issues, the granola I got in the oven to slowly bake turned out beautiful. I threw some together a few days ago and made some more since David and I already downed most of my first batch. I hoped it would be a cheaper (and tastier) way to do breakfast, instead of buying bags of pre-made granola. The first batch included wonderfully roasted walnuts with oats, cinnamon, cloves and cardamom, mixed up with maple syrup and baked at a low temperature for 50 minutes. The second batch included almonds instead of walnuts. Thankfully, I recently found a retailer here who sells bulk spices, herbs, dried nuts and fruits, so I ordered some nuts and seeds to bulk up our granola a bit for next time.

The sourdough starter was also put to good use this past weekend as I made pizza dough out of it, which we used to make BBQ chicken and Thai chicken pizzas.

All in all, more good food despite my curry mishap. And the week is only half over.

Challenging #17

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 02:22:00 +0000

Oh Spring, have you sprung? The buds I captured on camera just weeks ago are now blooming along our street - a mix of purple and white with soft petals. Though the temperature took a brief dip, the weather warmed up this weekend and allowed the sun to show its face. Since we are tired of being inside, David and I decided to go for a hike on Saturday. I spent the week looking up places to hike on the internet, and found a mess of them in Fujieda (the city next to ours on the east side). My natural inclination when choosing hikes is to find the longest and most strenuous, the ones I actually consider challenging. None of those walk-around-the-park types. However, David convinced me that I needed to take it easy since I am so out of shape from sitting around since last Fall. He was right, I knew, even though I still wanted to choose the 14k (8.6 miles) that traverses 5 mountains or something.

So instead, I looked at #16, 17, 20 and 10. They were all under 5k (3.1 miles) and appeared to be large loops that took under 3 hours to complete. I figured they'd be super easy, even for me, the out of shape one. David looked at them, gave his consent and I decided upon #17, a 3.5k course. This colorful, childish/cutesy looking map indicated some exciting stuff, waterfalls, a bridge, a "cat" rock, and even a tunnel. Whoa, tunnel? It all sounded very "Alice in Wonderland" or some such thing.

We set off Saturday morning armed with enough snacks to sustain us for a 6k hike rather than our short one. Though the sun was peeking out here and there, the wind decided it would rather be its beastly self instead of its happy, carefree, light breezy self. Though, at times I was thankful for the wind during our hike.

The bus dropped us off on the side of the freeway. We walked back a bit as I had to go to the bathroom (go figure). Then set forth, only to meet a slight incline on a cutesy path. "Hills already?" I asked, through deep breaths. David says nothing in reply, but rather is admiring the scenery. He says something only when I keep stopping to take pictures, saying the hike will take us double the time with me stopping all the time.

The park came up first, and we wandered through it, checking out the man-made waterfalls. Wandered towards the woods and walked for a bit when we realized we missed our turn somewhere behind us. When we found our turn, and started up this rock embankment, I almost cursed our decision to turn around. This path was straight up the mountain. So we climbed, me stopping every few seconds to take pictures (and get my breath, I was dying). David disappeared out of my sight eventually, as he kept going. Though, the higher we climbed, the more came into view, and I remembered why I love the hikes that go up a mountain and back down. Those make me feel like I got somewhere, that I accomplished something, and that for a brief moment in time, I could survey the world around me and feel a sense of peace. I had missed climbing mountains.

We climbed higher, and passed the cat rock. It looked nothing like a cat. We have no idea why it is called cat rock. Looking out off the left of our trail, tea fields appeared on the sides of mountain peaks. The tea farmers must be brave souls, or billy goats.

Not long after, we reached the top. The elderly folks' hiking clubs were stopped for lunch, taking up space all over the summit. I tried to angle in between them to get a good view for a picture, but alas, they blocked all the good spots, and ironically, none were facing the view, they were all turned in towards the woods (or in the woods).

Now, by this time I was quite tired, though invigorated over the fact we had just climbed a mountain without intent. Nonetheless, our trail was beckoning, and thus we continued down the mountain. (Rather, trying to keep from falling down the mountain. Have the Japanese ever heard of switchbacks? (Please know I'm exaggerating there.)) We passed a woman wearing UGG boots, dragging a small child up the mountain. Our subsequent comments included something like "crazy," "why those shoes?" and "I'd never take a child on something like this."

The next bit was quite boring and not even worth writing about. Part of it involved concrete and the freeway and a giant overpass.

Soon enough, we were almost to the tunnel. We walked along the Old Tokaido road through what seemed to be a ghost town, and reached - The Meiji Tunnel!

A bit of info: The Old Tokaido Road was part of the original route (in the Edo period) connecting Kyoto and Edo (modern day Tokyo). This route was (and still is) the most traveled route in Japan.

After walking through the tunnel, our hike was essentially over, as the freeway was just in view. So, after another bathroom break, and some soft cream, we met the bus to head home. A fantastic hike, I mused. Though, later that night and the next day, my body revolted against me for putting it through so much trauma and stress. It was only then, that David pointed out the course was an advanced course. Or maybe he mentioned it when we were hiking. In any case, I didn't even bother to notice the kanji written above the title, the ones that clearly state (in small lettering) "advanced course" (in Japanese).

Of course. You see, I really can't get away from the most strenuous and difficult hikes, even if they are short. They find their way to me.

Spring is the Season of Change

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 01:15:00 +0000

Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam, Saipan... as of late, suddenly beach vacations are pervading my thoughts and inspiring me to spend hours looking up hotels, flight information, and the best beaches in Southeast Asia. The idea of summer, vacations, beach trips and just going outside has expired my patience with winter. This and the fact that spring is slowly nudging its way in, with temps in the 60's last week, and budding cherry blossoms. Well, warm temps and more rain than usual... Can't say the rain is what I want, but the few warm, sunny days were a blessing. Now that March has arrived, I suppose the weather must make way for spring?
Spring is important to me more than ever this year, as it symbolizes the fact I am finally starting to feel like a human being again. David and I went for a nice walk along the Oi River (Big River) a week ago. I also wanted donuts from Mister Donut, which is near the river. The bike ride there miraculously felt normal, even the part where we were riding along a main road that is more like a highway, as the shoulder suddenly disappears and I am almost hit by the back end of a "semi" (who am I kidding, can they really be called semis here? They're tiny.). Or, as we walked our bikes down a concrete embankment to the river, my bike felt heavy and I was using all my weight to hold it back from rolling down, yelling, "it's so heavy! AHH! Oh, it almost fell! AHH! Oh, I almost fell! Why is this so heavy? OW! I hurt my leg!"

David rolls his eyes and says "of course you did."

Me: "Why was that so hard? Why is it so heavy??"

David: "Did you use the brakes?"

I start laughing hysterically, how stupid of me not to use my brakes. I've used them plenty of times before walking my bike down a hill... So, perhaps my head isn't quite back to normal yet. Or it's just been that long since I've done anything aside sit at home and make food.

The next day, I was beside myself with excitement to go watch David's basketball tourney in the next city over. I mapped out the route, taking the train and bus. I'm going outside! I'm going out into the world! This is the happiest day of my life! Weee!!! Er, yes, well it sounded something like that.

All went well and I made it to the school, where the tourney was, in one piece. After watching David's first game (they won!), and freezing in the gym while it was so warm and sunny outside, I ran downstairs to use the bathroom. As I walked towards it, and almost into it, I realized it was a boy's bathroom. Alas! I have to go so bad! A man saw me and starting explaining something about the bathroom being outside and gave me directions, except that I was in shock about this whole ordeal that I didn't understand most of what he said. So, I went outside and walked around the building. No girl's bathroom.

Back upstairs to the gym and asked David about the bathroom. He said he didn't think it was in the building. Of course. So I go back downstairs and outside. I walked around the school, checking different buildings to see if they are locked or not. I found some old abandoned building that looked like the baseball team used it as a locker room or something. No one was there, so I walked in, down the creaky hallway and found a bathroom. Hooray! Finally I can go!

No, it was too soon, as I noticed the urinals on the right side. I glanced over my shoulder. No boys around. I'm sure it's fine. Not like I haven't done this before. However, none of the stalls had toilet paper. UGH! Why!? I have to go!

So, walked back outside and did another loop. Walked back into the gym building and see my husband coming down the stairs. Phew, he can help me! I told David that I could not find the stupid bathroom anywhere. He, though was about to start his game and I believe was going to use the bathroom himself, ran back upstairs (what chivalry!) and asked where the ladies bathroom was. While he was gone, I was sort or staring off and around the building, as I do when I have nothing to do. A white and black sign caught my attention. It had the kanji for "women's bathroom" on it. Right in front of me, about five feet away, was a map for how to get there. How had I missed this map before? Then David appears and I laughed, pointing at the sign. "ha hahahaha! There's a map!" I said.

David smiled and then proceeded to point out the bathroom to me with a brief explanation. I head outside, once again, in search of my destination. It's been about 25 minutes now of me searching for the bathroom.

The women's bathroom is located in some "grounds building" between the baseball fields. At the time, the baseball team was playing in both fields. I walked along a dusty, dirt path, walking towards the first building, the one in which David said the bathroom was located. I passed a vending machine, but saw no bathroom, just a wall. No doors. Didn't he say the bathroom was here?

So, I kept walking, thinking it must be the next building. Suddenly, to my right, a boy stops, takes off his hat, bows and says "konnichiwa." (hello) I reply in kind, embarrassed over the fact I'm searching for a bathroom amidst all these teenage boys. As I continued walking, a building in front of me looked very similar to a bathroom. That must be it! The closer I got, however, I saw urinals inside. My desperate line of thinking led me to believe that perhaps it was just turned into a women's bathroom from a men's. Now that I think about it, that really doesn't make sense, especially since it was quite open and there wasn't a lot of privacy.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to pee. I wanted to escape the line of vision of the teenage boys watching me peer into their bathroom. I turned back, thinking I needed to look at that stupid map again, and also thinking I was missing David's game. As I walked back, suddenly, boy after boy on either side of me stopped, turned, took off their hats, bowing and saying "konnichiwa." One boy yelled, "hello!" I replied to all them, thinking, AHH! I'm being ambushed! I just need to pee for crying out loud! Stop looking at me! Wait, maybe I can ask them where the bathroom is?

I'm sure you were hoping I would ask a bunch of teenage boys where the women's bathroom was. No, sorry, can't give you that satisfaction. However, as I walked faster to escape the chorus of konnichiwa-ing going on, the vending machine came into view. Almost instantly, my eyes dart to the universal symbol for "woman," in red, on a small door, almost behind the vending machine. I almost did a dance, or exclaimed my relief. I could finally pee!!!

Yes, that weekend was full of excitement, and nothing out of the ordinary for my so-called "normal" life.

On that note, a final confession. Due to the length of time it is taking me to get over this, and all that we've put my school through, who have bent over backwards to accommodate me and this illness, we decided, after meeting with my school, that it would best if I quit and let someone new come in April. We had to make this decision a couple weeks ago, so they could have time to get a new person for the start of the new school year. Though, I'm sure I'll be fine by April (hopefully), due to the fact that I still have bad days sometimes, I felt it would be too much of a risk for them, and ultimately unfair that the students have not had an ALT for months now. David and I think it was the best decision for all the concerned parties, and so, as of now, I am no longer teaching at Shimada High School. In the meantime, as I recover to 100%, I'll be working on writing, blogging and web stuff, and we'll see what kind of work opportunities come up after that.

Spring symbolizes the new, coming to life, and transformation. In Japan, much of the culture revolves around the Springtime changes, such as a new school year starting in April. So, this year, Spring represents a lot more than in many seasons past. We'll see what kind of change will come in the near (and far) future. For now, I'll enjoy Spring's beginning.

My Dough Kids and Children of the World

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 03:25:00 +0000

Though this isn't a food blog, I've been moved to write about my recent experiences baking and cooking. Particularly, the truffles I made for myself for Valentine's Day and the sourdough starter I've been working on. I attempted to revive a pre-made starter I bought from a natural foods store here, and yet that failed quite miserably. You see, these starters seem to be rather fickle, and from what I've read online, sourdough starters seem to have their cult following. People argue fervently over the best method to begin one, sounding something like the digs hurled between ardent Mac and PC users. Some say you need to start with pineapple juice or grapes, other argue this is ridiculous. Some say you need to keep it at a warm temperature, while others retort that people have been making sourdough starters for centuries without temperature control. Some swear by starting with sterilized utensils and containers, and yet others refute that this is unecessary. Don't use metal bowls; don't use metal spoons; metal spoons are ok; five days is long enough; No, seven days is required; feeding every 8 hours is best; No, every 12; No, every 24; use 1-1 ratio flour-water; No, equal grams ratio; Use only spring water!; Filtered tap is OK.

With all this mish-mash I was puzzled how to start my starters, after the failure of the first attempt. So, I sort of compiled the various ideas and threw some whole wheat flour and water in my rice cooker. I figured at least, this would keep it warm, though it's a metal interior. That attempt died quickly, as the rice cooker baked the starter (it was on "keep warm"!!!). So, I added more and this time alternated turning on and off the rice cooker to gently heat the starter, opening the lid often to check on it. I soon named him Bubbly, as the bubbles appearing were a brilliant sign. After a couple days of successful survival, I took some of Bubbly and put it in a jar to create Bubbly Jr, and popped Jr in the oven.

In any case, it is now day 6 and both Bubbly and Bubbly Jr are still alive and kicking. I've just been feeding them every 12 hours, making sure they have air, and keeping them somewhat warm in the oven now. I didn't need pineapple or grapes, and used bottled water, and so far so good. I'm waiting for them to double in size today to see if they are up to snuff yet for some sourdough English muffins...

And now, apparently, they are like children. I talk to them often and say things like "time for dinner" and "time for bed" as David looks at me confused, thinking I am speaking to him. I've become one of the crazed sourdough starter-obsessed people I read about on the internet... They even have NAMES. Alas.

On a less entertaining note, lately, I've become wrapped up in reading real-life, rather horrific yet illuminating stories of world events. The current one, I felt I should share with you, and as heart-wrenching as it is, I haven't been able to put it down. Nothing to Envy by Barbara Demick. This journalist interviewed several Koreans who defected from the North. The book chronicles their lives and experiences in the years since World War II (with some brief history of how North and South Korea became divided in the first place and how North Korea's dictators came to power). Though I've yet to finish, I would strongly recommend reading this book.

Another few books that have moved me (and David) recently: Dreams and Shadows, a brief historical and present day overview of various countries in the Middle East and where they may be heading in the future; Columbine, a look into the events leading up to, during and following the Columbine High School massacre; and Iran Awakening, a memoir written by Nobel Peace Prize winner Shirin Ebadi pertaining to the Islamic Revolution in Iran, events surrounding, and consequences.

Each of these books offer unique perspectives and though some may be limited to certain people's viewpoints, they at least provide deeper insight into cultures less understood by many (such as the Middle East and North Korea). Reading books like these reminds me just how important education is. Especially in the West, we lack a certain amount of education about cultures that aren't directly related to the development of the West. I never learned about the history of China in elementary, middle or high school, for example, and China is one of the ancient cultures. Though World War II is taught multiple times through one's basic education, the events pertaining to Southeast Asia (Japan, China, Korea, etc) aren't mentioned unless related to the US (such as Pearl Harbor or the nuclear bombings).

My point is that we gain a better understanding of situations and cultures when we can look at the entire picture, the all-encompassing context. I realize this can be difficult to teach to youth in history, but unless students seek it out in higher education, many go without ever knowing. For example, after I took a Southeast Asian history class at WSU while finishing my degree, I realized the events pertaining to World War II were more complex than simply Western conflict and Germany and Japan joining forces. Earlier on when I did Running Start in high school, I remember debating and discussing with classmates over the nuclear bombings in Japan. We discussed the pros and cons, how horrific we thought it was that any country would use a nuclear bomb on another, but also that Japan wouldn't have likely surrendered otherwise. Now, after I've learned more about Japan's attempt to take over Southeast Asia, the war crimes in China and Korea, it illuminates the situation more in its entirety, and as such, can sway people's thoughts towards events one way or another.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to paint Japan as horrible, and anyone who already knows this history will understand. Many countries in the world have done horrible things, to each other and to their own people. No one is exempt from wearing that kind of shame. And yet, countries and their cultures all have their good points too. Granted, it's hard to see that in a place like North Korea, what good really comes out of the country? Hard for the people to preserve their own culture when their daily lives revolve around survival. Yes, other countries also experience this as well... and so it makes me more inspired that those countries attempting to survive can yet find joy in it. Or love.

I'm also reminded of the call to action, to care for our planet, for people. So I ask that you all remember and remind others to advocate for our planet, and to advocate for those who don't have voices. One of the softest spots I have is for youth. There are many who are in need, physical need as well as emotional need. We all are aware of the countries and places where the children are starving, diseased and often orphaned. Sometimes there isn't a whole lot we can do about that, but remember there are children around you every day who need someone in their life. They may have their physical needs met, but so many have deep emotional needs as well. As I mentioned this to David yesterday, I stated that it is easy to remember the images we see on TV and donate money, or to adopt a foreign child, or anything else to help children in need. This is incredibly important, and yet, I finished, there are children who are dying from emotional neediness. No matter how you look at it, people are in need everywhere.

Now that I've been on the soapbox, I should just reiterate that I'm not trying to preach to anyone or be negative in any way. I simply felt it strongly in my heart this morning to write my advocacy. I applaud those who do the best they can to help others, not only children, but adults as well - or to make a difference in the world somehow. Thank you for that. You never know how much you may help someone you reach out to, even just a friendly hello - cliched though that is, people ultimately just need to know they matter to someone - anyone.

The Kitchen and I

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 12:41:00 +0000

What constitutes a successful day for you? Accomplishing something big at work or school (or both)? Eating three healthy meals? Completing a to-do list? I certainly agree with all of these things, and am sure you all have your own "successful day" indicator. While a successful day for me fluctuates, depending on what I'm currently involved in or the status of my life, lately these successful days equal completing various household tasks. My energy is coming back bit by bit, my second cold waning (though not this forceful cough) and my motivation to get our apartment back in order runs high.

Now is Wednesday evening. Tuesday I slaved away at our kitchen floor, scrubbing a few month's worth of crap and grime. I alternated mopping and vacuuming, until the floor shined in only a way dull hardwood can. My next task involved clearing off the dining table. From one end to the other, the fact that it was indeed a table was hard to recognize. After another hour of putting away, throwing away, cleaning and again, vacuuming, the table shone in all its black-brown glory. I smiled with the greatest sense of self-satisfaction as I admired the clean kitchen. I willed the kitchen at that moment to stay clean for at least a month.

Of course, later on, as David was working on our muffin pizzas, carrying them to the oven, he suddenly makes a noise as if in trouble. I glance up from my cooking and run over to help. SPLAT! Too late. A muffin met its fate on the newly cleaned floor. I wasn't sure what to cry over, the lost homemade muffin, or the sauce and cheese splattered on the FLOOR. In the end, I think my attachment to the floor won out. David was nice enough to clean it up though.

So ever since this cleaning spree, I vacuum the floor a couple times a day and wipe up spills almost immediately. Did I mention, that our apartment is a dust-magnet? I have no idea where it comes from. No matter how often I vacuum, it never lasts very long! Curses dust. Curses to you.

Uh.... anyway. So since yesterday was cleaning day, today was cooking/baking day. After David's sudden declaration he was going to make pancakes this morning, I mixed up a batch. Lunch was meatloaf I baked up last night. I wanted to make roasted potatoes, with these special potatoes I have never tried before. (Never seen them in the States). So, I cut them per the usual, seasoned them and tossed them in the oven. My taste test 20 minutes later led me to a burning, coppery mouth. Me in the kitchen, spitting it all out, rinsing out my mouth with water. What kind of potatoes ARE these? What if they are poisonous? What if I'm allergic? I was sure my face would puff up any instant, and so I brushed my teeth. As if that could really help...

David walks in for lunch to see me brushing my mouth out like mad.

"Something is wrong with those potatoes!" I asserted.

David pops a piece in his mouth and says he doesn't notice anything.

"My mouth is BURNING," I insist. "You don't feel anything???"

"Nope."

Figures.

Then I obsessively scrubbed the cutting board I cut them up on... so they wouldn't poison me some other way.

What else did I try today? Lately I have been experimenting making whole wheat English muffins. I've actually never made English muffins before, so it has definitely been trial and some error. However, the second batch came out quite nice. Fluffy, wheaty, full of air pockets you expect in any good bread. Yum.

Just the other day I made these scrumptious peanut butter cookies.

And cinnamon buns:

If only I had a picture of those English muffins... but, some other time perhaps. Now, the evening is winding down and off to bed I go. (Well, after I've had to edit the stupid html ten times to make the pictures stop messing with the text.) Tomorrow is a new day - and a day that will most likely not involve any time in the kitchen, cooking or cleaning.

Reflections of a Winter Walk

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 04:26:00 +0000

Last week, amidst the tragedy fallen upon Haiti, constant abdominal pain, and the need to get some fresh air, I decided to take a short walk with my new camera. I had wanted to write a blog that week, but in light of the situation in Haiti, I felt there wasn't anything to say. So consider my silence a tribute.

Sometimes, or oftentimes, it is easy to envision your surrounding life as difficult, depressing, or even mundane. Perhaps you wonder, what happened to my passion for life? For (insert something you think is important)? What happened to motivation, or even interest? The past months have, in any case, facilitated the time to think of these things. Even now, I am continuously pondering why and how passion always changes.

And in some of those times, a simple walk can cure a case of lost passion.

A walk to the hills behind your dwelling. Hills you often think about and wonder, what would I find if I climbed those hills? Perhaps, an old blue shack, crackling paint revealing the building's nature.

Or, bright, red cherries hiding in tall, dry brush.

Then, discovery of a small temple. A pathway nearby climbs even higher to reveal a peek of the landscape.

Continue further, over felled bamboo trees, and discover - magic.

Leaves rustle loudly as the wind throws its way through. The gentle clunking of hollow bamboo trees against each other creates a symphony all its own.

The sun glimmers through the trees as they sway to and fro, and the forest floor shimmers in response.

A time like this takes words from not only the mouth, but also the mind. They disappear in the forest's song, and suddenly perspective finds its way back. There, in the midst of tragedy and turmoil, depression and monotony, exists peace. Even, joy.

I returned back home that afternoon with numb fingers, rosy cheeks, and peace - not only of mind, but also of heart.

The First Sunrise

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:40:00 +0000

明けましておめでとうございます！ (akemashite omedetou gozaimasu, i.e. Happy New Year!)

Winter has settled in here on the east side of central Japan. Days begin with gradient, transformative colors as the sun's orange circle slowly awakes the country. This is the land of the rising sun, after all. As the sun makes it daily trajectory through the sky, we enjoy its warmth - all we have really, as Shizuoka is so windy and drops the otherwise moderate temperature. Our apartment was frigid when we arrived back home at the end of New Year's Day. Two weeks absence + no heating + drop in temperature = freezing cold apartment. Somehow I shivered and shook my way through making our bed, brushing my teeth and leaping into our icy bed, the heater on high. Remember, no central heating in Japan (well, except in Northern Japan, where it's like the North Pole or something).

Two weeks flew by quickly in Washington. We greatly enjoyed the precious time with family and friends, and sad that we could not have more time to spend with others we didn't have a chance to see. We realize now that two weeks isn't nearly long enough to manage this. Perhaps a longer visit next time? We'll see.

However, on to other matters! The great success of this trip is what shall be known from here on out as: The Diagnosis. After a messy departure from Japan (we left a day late due to my being incredibly ill), almost-constant nausea, hard-feelings towards anyone driving but my husband, whom my sister says must have driven like an old woman (no offense to old women, but David isn't exactly an old woman) and incredible jet-lag, the moment of truth finally arrived. (Of course, I swore off all moving things after the trip, and every time I see an escalator now I scrunch up my face - only realizing this when David laughs.) As the nurse did the pre-doctor things nurses do, and as I fitfully tried to explain two months of hell to the nurse, my doctor knocked on the door with the two-page letter I had faxed her.

"You've just been through it haven't you?" she said empathetically.

"Yes! We are so frustrated! I haven't been at work, I feel so terrible... it's so awful..." Feelings tumbled out of my mouth easily, opposite of my inability to vomit when in any moving object.

"Well, let's see if we can fix you up!"

She did a quick check, asked a few questions, and as she explained that she wanted to run her own panel of tests on me, the words we'd been waiting for finally arrived:

"I think you have labrynthitis."

"Really??" Was I dreaming?

"I've seen it a hundred times. My husband, poor man, has a doctor for a wife, was crawling on the floor one day when I came home. I ran so many tests on him, and he had labrynthitis."

Even she noticed, as others missed, there was some fluid in my ears, and STILL in my sinuses. She explained labrynthitis - that it is a deep inner ear inflammation, caused by a virus. The virus has to run its course; there is no way to treat it. The symptoms I was experiencing caused chronic nausea (which I think may have ended up as an ulcer) and of course cause motion sickness and other things. My allergies end up making things worse. She fixed me up with some drugs for the nausea, motion sickness and inflammation, and sent me on my merry way.

Thank you oh incredibly competent American doctor! You have helped me infinitely more than the round of doctors we saw in Japan! I practically cried as I left, thanking her over and over, practically bowing out of habit. (You would too if you'd gone two months sick at home without a diagnosis).

Of course, travel and lack of sleep put me out with a cold when we got back. Have almost fought it off now though...

On the subject of feeling grateful, I thought I might revisit a few things from 2009 I'm thankful for. Although we completely missed New Year's Eve, (we were somewhere over the Pacific Ocean at the time, although I'm not sure which time...) and I was drugged and out of my mind most of New Year's Day, my New Year spirit hasn't left me yet. So,

A few things I'm grateful for in 2009 (in no particular order aside #1):
1. marrying the most amazing man
2. precious time with loved ones in Washington
3. our "grown-up kids" from youth group days
4. the chance to take a writing workshop
5. rediscovering passions
6. living in Shizuoka
7. moving to Shimada
8. heaters
9. top floor of the apartment building
10. delicious, healthy food
11. money to buy said food
12. a new camera to capture moments
13. a Christmas tree
14. the chance to read others' stories
15. a new laptop, to write with, to transform pictures with, to entertain me for endless hours sitting sick

These hardly mark them all, as there is so much to be grateful for and highlight.

I hope this New Year is a tremendous one for you. Here's to 2010!

Counting Change... err... Double Bagging?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 03:11:00 +0000

Alas, my days continue to be spent wrapped up in fleece in front of a space heater at home. Setting out on any kind of adventure typically requires movement, and as such, leaves me in a state of delirium and overwhelming feelings of possibly losing whatever food I managed to eat before said adventure. Oh, motion sickness, I have not known you my entire life! You have plagued others mercilessly, and I laughed in your face. You could never take me with you motion sickness! Never!

Oh, but now, motion sickness is my close friend. I hope you are all spared from this feeling if you have yet to experience it, as it is completely miserable. We have a ten-hour flight coming up this week, so I am desperately praying I will be saved from this dark plague, if only for ten hours...

The medical mystery continues! An MRI has been scheduled Monday afternoon, and an appointment set with my American doctor in Seattle. I should note, that in order to schedule the MRI, I had to wait an hour and a half at the hospital on Friday, just to SEE the neurologist. Then, the neurologist asked two questions, and then, "when should we schedule the MRI?"

I replied, "we can't just do it today?" Thinking, I thought that is what I came here for. Couldn't we have done this over the phone?

So far, as my illness continues to puzzle everyone, doctors, in effort to save face or some such very Japanese way of thinking, they go out with their last resort diagnosis: stress, mental problems, stress, see a psychiatrist. You see, in Japan, people are expected to take the doctor's word as the final word. They are definitely not encouraged to question anything the doctor says, while in the States, questions are *usually encouraged (with exception of crazy hypochondriacs that look everything up on the internet... uh... I don't know who does that! Certainly not I!). So, if you so much as question them, or in my case, say you are going to stop taking their drugs because they aren't working, they fume and refuse to help you out with say... filling out a leave of absence form for your boss. Doctors are like gods. Listen to them! Respect them! Never question them. They know everything, after all. (Note: I don't mean anything against doctors, I have had good ones, but simply my rant on the majority of Japanese doctors I've seen here).

Anyway, so as I try to cope with this strange illness that takes me on twists and turns, faster and more ferocious than river rafting (and just as nauseating, for extreme kinds), I try to go to the store to test how well I am doing. Can I move? Can I stand? Can I last through the entire experience and make it home feeling the same as before I had left?

I went to a nearby grocery store yesterday. David was gone, throwing kids around somewhere, and so I decided I felt well enough to bike to the store, grab a few things and go home to start my cookie baking extravaganza (homemade gifts for people here). The bumpy ride proved too much, as I arrived at the store a bit green and lightheaded. I wandered around the store, throwing things in my basket, straining my eyes as I tried to keep my head stationary (to not perpetuate the motion sickness). After finding the things we needed, and feeling I was going to lose it, I shuffled to the cashiers, and went to what I thought seemed the shortest line. A man that had been in front of me was going to take my spot in that line, as I was still shuffling there, but he seemed to find that a bad decision and went into another line. I thought, YES! I have won! I get the spot! In only moments, I would realize how wrong I was.

There were only two women in front of me, and the cashier was helping the first woman already. As I waited, I started to feel light-headed and hot. Uh-oh... hot flash coming, as I started to panic. It was then I noticed that the prim woman in front of me had double-bagged all of the items in her basket. Not only the produce, which is typical to put in those plastic bags, but every single item, including things like butter or cheese (which are already wrapped or in some kind of container!). I was shocked. This woman was the epitome of the environment's Antichrist. She obsessively double-checked all her items, and then twisted a plastic bag full of plastic bags into a knot, patting it three times and situating it delicately in her giant plastic pile. My heart felt as if it had been stabbed - all that work to be environmentally conscious and utilize the three R's, felt as if it was being canceled out by this woman and her plastic-mongering.

As the moments wore on, I felt weaker, hotter, and more lightheaded. The cashier finished with the first woman and moved on to plastic-hoarding woman. To aggravate me even more, she handed her items to the cashier ONE by ONE. Usually the cashier handles things themselves, as in the States. But NO, this woman would pick through her basket, hand the cashier the items in some order she needed them to be, saying "Thanks" with each one. To let out my frustration, and my anxiety over the fact I might pass out any minute and wasn't sure what to do about that since people were pushing up against me from behind, I sighed loudly, "Oh my GOSH." No one noticed. They usually don't, since they don't understand.

Finally the woman finished and took ten minutes to count out her exact change. At that point, I couldn't even move my head as it aggravated the lightheadedness even more. Thus, I couldn't look at the cashier when she told me the amount and when I handed her the change. I probably looked like I had a broken neck or something. Then, out of the corner of my eye, plastic woman proceeded to bag her plastic piles in what else, more plastic. At this point I hurried to the bathroom though, before I blacked out.

Suffice to say, I made it home, though felt miserable most of the rest of the day. Today is cookie-baking day so I must tend to that now. Oh, and packing.

Has been a pleasure, and please remember the moral of the story: reduce, reuse, recycle! Resist the urge to double bag every item you purchase in plastic. You too, can prevent global warming! Oh wait, that is the forest fire slogan isn't it. Well, you get the idea.

Oh Random Japan...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 01:58:00 +0000

I thought I would take a few moments to share some random pictures I've taken since being here but haven't posted. (Note: all pictures taken on my iPhone)

This is a typical vending machine you might see around Japan. Drinks are common, but so are cigarettes, ice cream, and hot food like this. I tried some fries from it. They were terrible.

This is a box that travels around the hospital on a track on the ceiling. Much like trains, Thomas the tank engine, etc. It generally carries important documents I think, such as patient records. It's beyond me why they aren't afraid someone could just jump up and grab the thing. Or shoot it with a laser gun. Or swipe it with a samurai sword. (I watched G.I. Joe last night, ok).

A sign on an ice machine or something at a grocery store. I took it to mean, "no pigs shall stand on cows" but David ruined that idea by telling me what it really means. Essentially, these people just have issues laying out pictures in a word processor.

This is the first rickshaw I've seen in Japan. The guy is posing for a picture, he's not really just slacking off.

There were three pathetic looking dogs in that little buggy. I especially like the expression on the old guy's face.

We can't get a real cat yet. So we have various non-real kitties around the apartment. These ones are obsessed with the birds in the picture.

The Blue Toe Strikes Back

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:11:00 +0000

Here I am again, sitting around at home with my heater and new MacBook Pro... mindlessly surfing the internet, reading the news, reading food blogs, convincing myself to actually write something...

I just started a writing workshop - mostly in hopes to motivate myself to sit and write consistently again, and also hone my skills. It has been over a year since I finished school, and I can tell my writing skills have slowly transcended into sub-par. Not that they were brilliant before or anything - it is more like, I write like I talk to the majority of people in Japan, (well in English anyway) slowly, simply, never actually using complete sentences. Do we really use complete sentences when we speak anyway? I'm starting to think we don't much of the time... Especially since when I try to use complete sentences in Japanese, I always get cut off and can never actually practice making sentences in Japanese that I so desperately need to practice. Alas.

After many miserable efforts trying to find a helpful doctor, I finally saw a man who speaks English. He, of course, wanted to test for anemia and all the other things that I have been tested for numerous times, but I pressed him to check my nose. He agreed, pulled out a strange-looking instrument and slid it up one nostril, tilting my head back. Then:

"This side is very inflamed..." He pulls out of that nostril and into the next.

"This side has more inflammation."

I suddenly have a feeling of relief. Finally, someone sees that my sinuses are having issues. I ask him if this is part of the problem. He seems to nod, perhaps slightly disgruntled that I beat him to this point. He proceeds to prescribe me an anti-inflammatory plus allergy medication. He says he is worried that I have an infection since I had a fever of, 98.7. (I biked to the doctor's office in a down jacket. I told the nurses and him that, but they didn't believe that would indeed raise my temperature to what is considered an average body temperature). I asked for non-drowsy drugs; he replied that the drowsy kind is better.

"Do you feel drowsy with that medication?" he asked.

"I don't do well on drowsy drugs. In fact, I seem to have more issues."

He smiled slightly, probably thinking I am a crazy hypochondriac, and said that was all for today, come back in four days.

I reluctantly filled my prescription and headed home. That evening, after taking my meds and getting ready for bed, I started laughing hysterically and found myself too weak to stand on my own. (It's also possible that I was yammering silly, unconnected thoughts, but that is only rumor at this point.)

As a result, my head did start feeling better after the weekend. However, due to being drugged and having a slight issue focusing on what I'm doing, I had a bicycle accident Saturday. David and I were just riding down the street to a local yakiniku restaurant, and there I ran into a curb, ended up with 3 giant bruises and bruised the very same toe I seriously injured last year. Then, as I hobbled around the next day, I worsened the sciatica I seemed to have obtained recently. So though my head has been getting better, I have been left unable to walk. As they say, when it rains, it pours. Although in my case I feel it is more of a typhoon.

So here I am, at home, for over three weeks now, bored. I am getting excited for Christmas though, I can't wait to take a vacation!

Anything else? No, I don't believe so, not unless you want to hear all about the news in the world, what is hot in the food blogging world, or about the latest television show mishaps. It sounds pathetic, and believe me, dear reader, it is.

My Own Medical (Drama) Show

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 09:33:00 +0000

Apparently, social networking sites like Twitter or even public blogs seem to instigate make-the-customer-happy compensation. Such was the case for this couple. So, perhaps I may also dare to use this posting as an extortion to...well, read on. Oh, never fear reader, this should hopefully be amusing to you, in any case.

Let's start with the medical industry in ~~Japan~~ this country I live in that shall remain nameless. A few weeks ago, you remember, I was rather sick. Before that, I actually had an incident where I nearly passed out at school. They carried me to the nurse's room in a gurney... and the vice-principal kept patting my face and asking (in Japanese) if I could see her, and if I was ok. Of course I'm not ok... I'm laying on the floor in the staff room. What other time would I choose to lay on the floor in any place but my home? I digress.

Since this episode and my sickness, whatever it was... I have been hardly able to return to work. Standing is a chore, walking is like a cross country race, even moving my head around seems to emulate a feeling akin to those amusement park rides that spin you around and wave you up and down... like a cat playing with a mouse or other small rodent of choice. So, David took me to the hospital this week, and after a million tests, pertaining to my heart, all was deemed normal and they suggested that perhaps I am under stress. I was actually feeling fantastic before all this began, better than all of last year, so I wasn't sure how to respond to that. ~~Stress?! Do you want to see stress, buddy?!?! I'll show you what this stressed-out woman looks like!!!~~ I merely avoided eye-contact, looking at David as I started to cry, since once again, an unsolvable problem by doctors. Surprise, surprise. I should at least be thankful they were able to figure out that my UTI was indeed a UTI a few months ago. Kudos, bladder doctor guy, you have solved infinitely more than any other medical professional I have seen since coming here.

The cardiologist recommended seeing an ear/nose doctor. We went the next day, despite me swaying back and forth when I walked and not being able to keep my head straight most of the time. The man looked in my ears, gave me a hearing test, then had me lay on the patient bed and held these ridiculous-looking goggles up to my eyes and him and the nurse moved my body around while examining my eyes. Of course, this didn't really make me lightheaded any more than I was... and the doctor decided I must be fine since nothing happened. However, they weren't really moving me very fast and they were both supporting me so it wasn't exactly what I would be doing on my own. Plus, they didn't really look at my eyes after they made me put my head upside down over the edge of the bed. He started talking to David (in Japanese) and I suddenly hear "psychiatry." I turn, make eye contact with David, (I had been staring off into space only a moment ago due to my lightheadedness) and glared. David, of course, knew I had understood this small bit, the bit that I would have been better off not understanding, as this doctor apparently thought I was a nut-case. He asked me if I was stressed, to which I said no... all the while thinking about the fact of these doctors asking if I'm stressed, makes me stressed. It must be a common diagnosis. Oh, you are coughing up blood today? You must be stressed.

That's the end of that saga for now. Will I make it to work Monday? Will I collapse on the train and cause train delays prefecture-wide? To be continued.

Sick in Sunshine

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 04:40:00 +0000

Ah, sitting here in the living room in my camping chair with a cup of hot green tea... enjoying the beautiful sunshine and warmth, with a box of tissues at the ready. Yes...I am sick, but so far haven't been swined yet. Probably just a cold, but then again, who knows when it comes to me and my illnesses...

It has been such a long time since I last blogged about the recent happenings, and I realized that I needed an entirely new focus. No more "goodbye" in the title most certainly, and I needed to find a way to rediscover my own writing. Not only that, but to be more transparent about the goings-on in my life... not that I haven't been transparent, in fact you all have read about the various embarrassing and crazy experiences I have had the past year and few months. This brings me to the tentative title for now, "Untethered." This word kept coming back to mind, so I figured, why not. Should I feel held back with my words? To some extent I suppose, don't need to let everything just flap out and around openly like underwear on a clothesline... but just to find some new step in my written thoughts.

So, on to other things!

I have had many things to write about in the past couple months but just haven't brought myself to write about them yet. Most recently, David and I went on a fun weekend trip to the Izu peninsula of Shizuoka, where we did archery in the crater of a volcano for an hour. Spent some time walking around the perimeter of the crater, taking pictures, admiring the view, dodging between the many Japanese visitors... After that we headed to our hotel in a city called Kawazu, akin to a small beach/hills town. After walking to our hotel, I became a bit wary by the warehouse look of it from the outside; however, once we went closer, there were lots of beautiful shrubbery and plants and inside was very quaint, and more western than Japanese. Of course, being a small town, it shuts down early and we didn't really find much in the way of dinner, but enjoyed the onsen at the hotel.

The next morning, we caught a bus and went to Nanadaru (Seven Waterfalls) that I went to last fall with a friend of mine. We enjoyed the short hike (except for all the stairs) and the outdoor, co-ed (bathing suits required) onsen. It was such a beautiful, warm, sunny day and we enjoyed it. All in all, it was a fun, relaxing trip, and we spent the holiday Monday relaxing at home before school started again.

Work is going well for the most part. It's nice to have some idea of what I'm doing as opposed to last year. I don't feel like I'm constantly floundering around and wondering what's going on (although that still happens on a regular basis). We had a meeting for an upcoming seminar among ALTs (Assistant Language Teachers) and someone asked what we do when the teachers suddenly all disappear from the room and we are left alone. Of course, some us laughed and mumbled we just sit there and pretend we have no idea so we don't have to do anything. I made a comment about learning to read the board and notes they write, as well as the calendar, so I know what is going on, in case it is something important. I was a bit shocked to find that most people (aside those that can read and know Japanese well) don't really try to read things. Or the fact that I seem to be one of the few ALTs in the prefecture who knows you can request redelivery of packages online... (saves the calling and dealing with the whole Japanese thing plus formalities which take forever to figure out and understand). I told David about these things, and he suggested that most people don't try to figure things out as much as I do. "But why???" I asked, finding this idea completely ridiculous. David shrugs, "they don't mind asking for help, they don't care, or it isn't that important to them."

This got me thinking about how I have been since arriving in Japan. I have learned to read things rather quickly, so I don't have to ask people for help all the time or rely on others as much. Granted, I still have to, more often than I'd like, but the fact that I have been forced to rely on others has in turn forced me to learn to read kanji very quickly. Or learn the Japanese I need to communicate in daily events. Such as getting a haircut. I'm still learning that one, since I know simple things like "I want a haircut" and how to say length, bangs, layers, etc... but as I remembered today, getting a haircut, there is still much I have yet to learn. The man cutting my hair last weekend commented "your hair so soft!" and other things about what he wanted to do with my hair that I had no idea what he was saying. He did hand motions and said "just this? is this ok?" and of course I still wasn't sure what he said before that so I sit stupidly saying "uhhhhh" trying to figure out what I should say before going to my default "yes" in Japanese. Which seems to be my most common phrase. Other than thank you.

I also somehow navigated picking up a prescription for allergy medicine too... they asked me something about where I live or am living, but it was probably more formal than I'm used to and wasn't sure what to say. Eventually they just took my alien card and wrote my address down. Yes, I could have done that, if only I knew that's what they wanted. Surprisingly, out of everything they said, I understood the directions the guy told me for how to work my nasal spray (that I've used in the States). I think they were surprised I looked liked I understood.

While we are on the Japanese topic, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but Japan is obsessed with face masks. People wear them ALL the time it seems. Especially during this swine flu outbreak, or allergy season, everywhere you go people have got masks on. Obviously, in the U.S. masks aren't exactly popular, so even if I have a cold I don't wear a mask. However, when I went to the doctor last night (to make sure I didn't have the swine) they made me wear a mask after confirming my fever. So I'm sitting there trying not to get dizzy as I'm breathing my own air. David shows up after running to the grocery store, since I was a complete invalid, and laughed as soon as he saw me with my stylish mask. I honestly don't know how people here can wear masks all day, especially those that work in the medical industry, but even my coworkers are all wearing masks since some students have come down with H1N1. Just one of those things I suppose.

Oh, but please don't worry, my fever went down last night after our yummy homemade salmon chowder dinner. David and I have come up with a theory that my body seems to pull itself together when he's around, like he has some kind of healing effect on me. It's untested at this stage, merely derived from past observations. Ironically, I seem to feel ten times worse when I go to school.

Well anyway, for now I'm enjoying sick days at home. Unfortunately, not sure if I will still be able to have a Halloween party with my third year students tomorrow, and probably shouldn't make them cookies like I wanted to, so I don't go to class next week and suddenly mark half of the class absent....

This comes to an end now, but I am going to try and update more often. It's part of my resolve to become a more disciplined writer. (Then these posts won't always be so long either... )

A Year to Home

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 08:38:00 +0000

Finally, a morning without shrieking cicadas… I found myself in a deep, peaceful sleep, which is typically quite rare for me, only to suddenly awake (at 5 am) to a forcibly shaking bedroom. I sat up quickly and gasped “oh my gosh!”, knowing it was an earthquake but completely startled out of my nice, deep sleep. David, who has amazed me these past two weeks with his ability to think ahead of me and my reactions, quickly grabbed me and repeated “it’s ok, it’s ok…”

Of course, it was just an earthquake, a 6.4 earthquake, and only a few small things tipped over or got shuffled about, so really any freaking out was truly unwarranted. I suppose my anticipation of it becoming larger and more intense, the building falling over, the roof collapsing in on us, the ground opening up and swallowing us, just took over any rational thought of “it’s just an earthquake.” And yes, I do come from the Pacific Northwest, and have felt a couple small earthquakes in my lifetime, but Japan is on four fault lines, so it’s not surprising I’ve already experienced a few just in the past year.

I was thankful this morning though, as the wind howled and rain continued to fall after we went back to sleep, that the cicadas were finally silenced. These small beasts seem to take over during this time of the year, and their high-pitched cries are enough to drive me mad, especially in the early morning when I’m trying to sleep. Each time their little shrieking sounds wake me up, I think to myself, “now, why doesn’t someone invent some kind of gun or weapon to shoot down cicadas from the trees? People invent all kinds of useless things and yet no one has come up with this? I would surely buy one…”

Following our earthquake, as I biked to the station to get to school (I can either bike 4 miles, or bike, catch a train and then a bus to school; today I chose the latter). However, the trains were shut down due to the earthquake and a massive crowd of people was hanging around waiting. After a quick call to David, decided to try and make the bus from the train station I would have gone to. So I bike there, only to arrive a minute too late, and as sweat poured and slithered down my face and back and everywhere else really, I gritted my teeth and pedaled onward to school. Amusingly, I ended up basically racing the bus (that I would have been sitting in, with A/C) and arrived at school the same time it would have dropped me off. Unfortunately, work proceeded as normal today, so no…. earthquake day? Sad.

My transportation drama to school actually began yesterday, the first day back to work for David and I. I decided to bike to the train station, only to miss the train. Call David, decide to take a taxi from the station I’m going to, but after arriving I realized my bus had not left yet. At least that saga ended well.

The humidity is still pretty high, although it has been slightly more comfortable than June and July, emphasizing slight. David and I enjoyed the much drier air in Guam; although Guam is humid, it alternates often so it doesn’t seem as humid as Japan (which is basically constant in the summer).

Guam, Guam… where to start… my first time back to the US (technically speaking) in a year. I was incredibly excited to use English again in everyday life before we left, although after a few days of being there, I realized how incompetent I felt using my native language. Of course, I use English often; I talk to David and friends and teachers and many students in English (although half of it ends up being slower, more simple English), but I’ve adjusted to using Japanese in every day life. Sometimes I am incapable of completely getting my point across, but after a year, I have made steady progress and feel more competent using it than before. Although to clarify, I still feel incompetent most of the time, like a toddler speaking Japanese. I smile and laugh when I hear children using their Japanese, thinking it sounds cute, and then realize I probably sound like them, but probably not as cute.

So I found myself stumbling through words in Guam, not even capable of ordering ice cream. “Uh…. Can I…. uh…. I would like….wait…. uuuummmmm….. can I get….” “ please?” Then proceeded to say please with every answer I gave them to every other question they asked. I felt like one of my students, regurgitating some textbook English to communicate properly. What happened? Why can’t I speak? I speculated to David over the course of our trip.

Finally I realized, that before coming to Japan, since I never spent much time in any foreign country, I never really spent much time speaking anything other than English, especially in every day life. I never thought about what I said, since for every day things, it was just automatic. Go to a restaurant or to get a haircut or anything like that… you just say things. In Japan, I have to think about what I’m saying a good majority of the time. My conclusion is that due to having to think so much about how to communicate in every day life, I don’t know HOW I used to do anything in English because I never thought about it. Since I never thought about it, I don’t remember how I used to do it. This realization only leads me to wonder what going back to Seattle will be like… especially since even in Guam, there were so many Japanese tourists and we still heard Japanese around us quite often. Or read it. It was everywhere. Like Japan came to the U.S. or something. Just rowed it’s islands across the Pacific and connected itself by expansive bridges. Or implanted itself smack dab in Alaska (well it would have to fit somewhere). Anyway.

We ate lots of non-Japanese food, did lots of duty-free shopping in American stores (K-mart was frequented often) that actually have things in our sizes, bought stuff for our apartment, and went through about 2 large bags of peanut butter M&Ms. We had to buy another bag of them before we left… and David, using that smart brain of his, bought another huge duffel bag for us to load up with all this stuff we bought to bring back to Japan.

We also went to see Transformers (since it was cheap), laid on the beach or by the pool (when it wasn’t raining which happened a lot – darn you rainy season) and went kayaking. All in all, it was a nice vacation/honeymoon, but we were both happy to come back to Japan.

We came back last Wednesday but I had to go back to Tokyo again on Saturday for the dentist. I felt so nostalgic as I went on errands around that extremely large city, remembering my first days in Japan just over a year ago. Surprising in some ways it has already been a year, and yet in other ways it was long. I find it interesting that though I am often out of my comfort zone, this discomfort has in and of itself become a comfort zone for me. The fact that I feel incompetent and always have to figure things out or constantly learning new things is some kind of new and strange comfort zone that feels like home. David and I talked about those thoughts this week, what it feels like to be back in Japan after vacation, how it felt like coming home. Of course, for David, Japan always is technically home, but for me it seems like it has become a second home… given the transition from my life in Washington to Japan, and almost entirely severing so many of the ties that held me there. David mentioned that with all that has happened here it probably does make it more like home, and it makes sense, because I’ve created ties here, with people, both foreign and Japanese, I got engaged and married here, and so much has happened and continues to happen that has tied me to this place now. Even if one day I am not living in Japan anymore, it will always be a certain, special place to me, just like Washington.

As a child, whenever my family went on road trips to Montana, I remember the sense of home I felt every time we came through those mountains and back through Seattle to Bellingham, it was just home. Now those feelings have slightly changed, and though still there, it’s as if coming back to Japan this past week made me feel the same way I felt as a child driving into Washington and Bellingham again. Staring out the window and seeing all that is familiar and yet unknown, I’d think to myself, I’m home.