A-Blog

Comic Relief

2009-03-13T19:28:00.005Z

Apparently the contestants on Comic Relief Celebrity Mastermind are going to be facing 'THE WORLD'S TOUGHEST INTERROGATION'. Unless they're going to have their chests and genitals cut with a scalpel in front of families across the nation at half seven in the evening, I somehow doubt it.

Oh, and according to Patrick Kielty "thousands of children are living lives that they just shouldn't have". Yeah, let's put the miserable fuckers to death, eh? Christ.

Horne and Corden Promotional Photos

2009-03-10T19:23:00.003Z

Ooh, look at us, we look sort-of confused and yet at the same time sort-of not.

Tossers.

Hollyoaks Later Is Poo

2008-12-09T19:00:00.005Z

Here's a screengrab from Hollyoaks Later:

Hmm... I feel hungry. I wonder what they serve at that pub. Let's see... hmm... there's bar snacks. Well, good, I like bar snacks! What else I wonder... let's have a look... hmm... wait... does that say...?

Poo?! Fuck it, let's go to McDonald's instead...

Hollyoaks Later In Ten Words

2008-11-26T21:43:00.004Z

It's Hollyoaks but an hour long and Josh says 'fuck'.

Sachs's Granddaughter Does A 180

2008-11-05T18:15:00.004Z

So first Andrew Sachs's granddaughter was all angry and upset, and then it started to look like she could make a load of money off the back of the whole thing, and now she isn't quite so angry anymore:

Baillie in call to reinstate stars

The 23-year-old said Radio 2 DJ Brand's resignation and Ross's three month suspension without pay was "out of proportion".

Baillie, who performs with her dance troupe the Satanic Sluts, has also told how she wants to pursue a career as an actress and model.

She [said]: "I want to keep performing with my dance troupe. And all these modelling offers have come through which is quite interesting. I thought about doing modelling a few years ago but was told I was a bit too chunky for that, but now all of a sudden I'm not, so that's great.

"So I think I might be doing a bit of modelling, and I've also done a bit of acting in the past, so I might try and get back into that."

We'll see her being spitroasted by Callum Best and Paul Dannan on ITV2 sometime soon, mark my words.

Amir Khan

2008-09-06T00:38:00.001+01:00

Is it just me or is everything Amir Khan says a lot funnier if you assume he's talking about fisting?

"Every punch is hard."

Yeah, yeah, I bet it is.

Smug Strings

2008-09-04T18:54:00.004+01:00

This advert has something it wants to share with you all:

Christ, negative campaigning's moved from politics to advertising. It's spreading like cancer. Next we'll have books with little sound chips in so that when you walk into Waterstones you'll be subjected to a cacophony of little synthetic voices smugly informing you that their book's better than the other's because it's got a longer word-count and it's part of Richard and Judy's Book Club.

It's not just the message of the advert that irritates me, it's the method it's transmitted as well - through hundreds and hundreds of miles of string, carefully laid across the entire country. Think about it - imagine how horrible that imaginary world must be if it's full of people willing to go to such a ridiculous effort purely so that can listen to some smug bitch ramble on at them about how one brand of fromage frais is better than the other. Ugh.

And another thing - why is it only mothers who are being told about this? What about dads? What about people from unconventional family units? This advert discriminates against more than just artificial ingredients. If I were a gay man made from fructose I'd be outraged.

Watch Out, Gillette's About

2008-09-03T18:53:00.003+01:00

New Gillette advert:

Buy Gillette razors or they'll pay famous sportspeople to physically assault you in a campaign of violence and intimidation. Great. Next you'll have Alan Sugar shitting on your doorstep because you didn't buy whatever the hell it is that he flogs these days.

Spam Goes All Mystic Meg

2008-07-16T16:00:00.002+01:00

I've started getting spam e-mails which are either crazy predictions of things that may happen, or are actually spam e-mails from the future!

Afghan bombing kills President Bush
Elton John dies in rocket ship
Yahoo search shuts down for good
Cute dogs massacred in Texas
Girl takes down five guys

That's some crazy future. Although the last one might be porn. Maybe. I don't know.

That's What I'm Talkin' About!

2008-06-26T00:42:00.004+01:00

My exams are over, and so is The Apprentice 2008. I have my degree and Lee's the apprentice. As the Leicester Mercury put it, 'Amstrad's gain is porn's loss' (?).

But something Lucidna said way back in the advertising task has become massively pertinent.

Remember the bit where Lucinda was coming up with 'off the wall' ideas for the advertising campaign? I was a bit concerned about what she was going to say.

"If we're looking at shock tactics, and it's probably uncomfortable to some, but it's going to come up more and more and more..."

Shit, I thought. 'Tissue 9/11'. She's going to say 'tissue 9/11'. Oh God, please don't say 'tissue 9/11.'

She continued: "...And [what's] become stronger and stronger and stronger, as it should do, is homosexuality. And people would be talking about that advert."

Thank fuck, I thought, she didn't say 'tissue 9/11'.

But roll on a few weeks...

Heinz mayonnaise advert with two men kissing set to become most complained of the year
Heinz pulls ad showing men kissing
Gaydar Radio calls for boycott after 'men kissing' ad pulled

Byebye 3.6 million consumers! Didn't think that through did you Lucinda? You silly dick.

The offending ad:

And that's it. No more Apprentice this year. But there's always next year, and Raef might even get a chat show in the meantime, which will be nice... I guess?

PC Gone... Hair

2008-06-21T01:44:00.005+01:00

New Head & Shoulders advert:

"OMG, why is it always acceptable to slag off 'white' but not other colours like 'darkie brown'? This advert could only be made under NooLabour, PC gone mad, etc. etc. etc."

No really, people actually think that. Actual real people.

I searched Google for this advert, and what was the first result? That's right, a fucking white power forum. Un-cunting-believable. I was going to take the piss out of this advert because obviously it's possible to read a racial context into it if you really try, but actually seriously taking the advert as some kind of anti-white propaganda? Jesus. Here are some of the best/worst posts:

I hate advertising. Whenever I see a PC advert, I can just imagine the brainstorming session that led up to it; "yeah, lets have a young couple advertising our new car"..."wouldn't it be better if we had a mixed race couple to reflect todays modern society?"..."Lets give them a couple of kids also to put the advert really out there".

Yeah, 'cos it's really cr-r-r-r-razy to suggest that mixed race couples are, y'know, capable of reproducing.

"Helps enhance your vibrancy, while keeping white flakes at bay."

Consider "vibrancy" in the modern PC context, always used as a euphemism for non-whites and their activities in society, and then "help keep white flakes at bay"; i.e. flakes as the nervous, nerdy guys trendy white women are spurning in increasing numbers in favour of the exotic Negro.

Am I reading too much into this?

Yes, you paranoid racist cunt.

this is just the beginning for anti-white soon there be chocomilk ad's where they say cause we don't like whites, and people won't read into these ads they will just become a normal thing then they hit us with the big anti-white ads but as people will of become tolerant with the ads noone will care

One day Ian Wright will cut the ribbon at a new concentration camp for white people, and it'll all be Quicky the Nesquik bunny's fault, the black leporine bastard.

Humanity is fucked.

Passport Fail

2008-06-19T17:30:00.006+01:00

I was in the Post Office the other day, posting something (as you do). There was a man trying to hand in a passport form in the hatch next to mine, but either the photo or his letters were too big, and his form was rejected because the computer wouldn't be able to scan the form properly. I sorted my letter and I was about to leave he entered this sort-of mini-breakdown.

"I've done this form five times now, and every time there's something wrong with it," he whined, possibly on the verge of tears, "I've got a full-time job and I just can't be doing with this."

He continued, but I left quickly in case he went over the edge and 'did a mental' on everyone there. Thing is, how the fuck does he hold down a full-time job if he can't even fill in a relatively straightforward form properly? It can't be that hard, can it?

Maybe the forms have to be filled in in Swahili these days, what with the way our country's going, PC and all that, eh? EH?

Normal Service Is Resumed

2008-05-30T00:57:00.002+01:00

My posting's been pretty irregular for a while now, largely because I've been busy preparing for exams. But my exams have finished today, so hopefully I'll be able to post with something approaching regularity now.

There is one thing relating to my exams I'd like to bring up though. Remember this post, where I laid into an advert for Kelloggs Nutri-Grain bars? Well I actually bought a multipack, intending to eat a couple before each of my exams in lieu of a proper breakfast. Anyway, the morning of my first exam I ate two bars and then went in to my exam. As the morning progressed I started to feel slightly ill and it was obviously because of the Nutri-Grain bars. As opposed to curing my twatting 'cakey pangs', they gave me cakey nausea! Suffice to say I have not eaten any further Nutri-Grain bars, nor will I ever do again. Shame on you Kelloggs.

More Spam

2008-05-16T14:38:00.001+01:00

I just got a spam e-mail promising me that:

Emotional volcano is just a blink away!

That actually sounds pretty unpleasant, to be honest. Think I'll give it a miss.

Another Rubbish BT Advert

2008-05-09T23:34:00.004+01:00

As you can tell from here, here and here, I'm not a big fan of the BT Family adverts. And now there's a new one. Hoo-twating-ray.

Don't worry Kris Marshall, this is the woman who managed to delete a folder from both its original location and the Recycle Bin all by accident, as well as somehow 'deleting' photos that exist in physical form, remember? It's not your fault, she probably just doesn't understand what a cock is.

Just for the record, I'd make a joke about you having a tiny-to-the-point-of-being-invisible penis, but I guess since you've just been in a car accident it wouldn't be in the best of taste.

Evil Teletubbies

2008-05-04T15:51:00.003+01:00

Brilliant comment by one Guy Reid-Brown on Daily Mail columnist Peter Hitchens' blog:

I have noticed an actual, real, persistent lowering of the intelligence amongst people now... I recognise that the South-East is considerably further down the line then most other places but it is appalling that so much 'conversation' sounds like Cavemen in an early Hammer film, almost devoid of consonants - 'uh, oh-eh ih' - but recognisably full of hate and deadness.

The Teletubbies summed it all up really - visually interchangeable creatures with screens in their stomachs (a perfect visual metaphor) living on an evil hill with a scary chuckling baby in place of the sun and communicating in incomprehensible vowel sounds.

It WOULD be the BBC that originated this - inevitable somehow.

Those BBC bastards, eh? They'll ruin us all.

Bakey Bollocks

2008-05-03T00:29:00.004+01:00

Swing and a miss for Kelloggs with their advert for Nutri-Grain bars:

So I'm supposed to buy products from people who potentially put members of the public at risk of very serious harm by pretending to be doctors and, in most cases, misdiagnosing them with fucking 'cakey pangs'? Are you being serious Kelloggs? Hmmm?

And what is he going to with that oven glove? Shove it up his arse? Ugh.

Spam Gets Nasty

2008-05-02T19:57:00.003+01:00

I opened my inbox today to find a spam e-mail had gotten though the filter. "You're a moron", the subject line read.

Fuck me, I thought, I'm being insulted by a spam e-mail? This must be a dark day for humanity.

It's pretty distressing when even spam e-mail apparently hates you. What next, spam e-mails that make nasty comments about your mother? Spam e-mails that say they wish you were dead? Spam e-mails that do a Chris Morris and use your computer monitor to create an electromagnetic field that simulates a punch in the face? Is this the dark path we're going down?

I think it is. We're all fucked. Fucked.

Misogynistic Shite

2008-05-01T15:26:00.002+01:00

Unsurprisingly I am not impressed by the latest advert for Coke Zero:

That ex - what a bitch, eh? How dare she move on with her life?! Why, she should spend the rest of her life alone, like some sort of faithful widow! After all if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with 'Our Hero' (as the somewhat presumptuous caption labels him) she deserves solitude!

Ugh... what a crock of neanderthal shite.

I'm waiting for the Coke Zero advert where a man callously hurls his wife down the stairs in a fit of frenzied misogynistic rage. I doubt I'll have to wait long.

I don't know what I hate more about these adverts, their swaggering lad-ish disregard for women or the fact that they seem to turn me into some sort of bizarre raving feminist. Ugh.

The Second Coming Of Clearasil

2008-04-09T16:35:00.004+01:00

Clearasil have done it again. As if their previous advert wasn't brilliant enough they've now gone and produced this transcendental masterpiece:

"You should see me now."

What? Right now? In front of your Mum (or Mom - Britain doesn't deserve adverts of its own, it seems)? You want your boyfriend to ogle your naked body with your mother right there, sat on the sofa next to him? I suggest you seek professional help because you obviously have some deep-seated psychiatric issues. Fuck your spots, your head's broken, you mad perverted bitch.

Evil

2008-04-09T11:45:00.003+01:00

I was innocently browsing the Internet when I stumbled upon this slightly irrational comment in response to a news article:

Nintendo is like Microsoft. But nobody see's it. They're like the hidden evils in the world, while Microsoft is blantantly evil.
mistertwoturbo

And there we were, assuming that things like child-murder and date-rape were evil. We were fools. Turns out developing computer software and hardware was the real evil all along. Lock up Bill Gates and let all the murderers and rapists roam free in the fields! Or something.

I'm not sure why Nintendo is like 'the hidden evils' though. Maybe Mario's a closet paedo?

Ugh...

2008-04-07T19:15:00.002+01:00

The new advert for the BBC's Eastenders:

Utterly horrible, like a penis through the eyesocket (not that I'd know).

Out-of-context Quoting FTW

2008-04-06T17:56:00.004+01:00

"I'm touching a very large piece of wood on my desk at the moment."
Noel Edmonds

The dirty fuck.

Pictogram of the Year 2008

2008-03-31T15:43:00.004+01:00

Remember Pictogram of the Year 2007? Well today I discovered a new set of pictograms worthy of this year's award. They came on the back of a box for a set of Nintendo DS Lite accessories made by Hori in Japan. Here they are:

The DS makes Mr. Fire sad. He prefers his PSP.

The DS makes Mr. Water sad because he read an article in the Daily Mail about how videogames make people violent. He had a go on Brain Training in a shop and now he's worried he's going to suddenly go mad and kill his wife with an axe.

Don't let your baby tap-dance over your DS, this isn't Strictly Come fucking Dancing y'know.

Pac-Man used to like eating dots but these days they make him cry because he worries about becoming obese.

'Well done' to Hori for these. I wonder who'll win the award in 2009?

Hot Anne Diamond On Resident Evil 4 Action!!!

2008-03-28T18:59:00.007Z

There were a couple of noteworthy things in today's Daily Mail, primarily TV presenter Anne Diamond turning video game critic:

Anne Diamond gives her chilling verdict on the violent video games that are to carry age ratings

Anne was given some 'of the most popular games' (ie. a selection of games with significant amounts of adult content, chosen totally at random by some Mail researcher) to play and report on. She gives Resident Evil 4 a particular kicking:

Then again, I'm not sure Anne's really in any position to be making moral judgements. Why? Because she's a witch:

I don't know what kind of sinister arcane powers are work in that photo, making those games semi-disappear. But whatever powers are at work, this kind of witchcraft can only be bad for you.

I was quite amused to find that a picture included in the article of two children playing Mario Kart 64 on an old Nintendo 64 had the filename 'spoiltkid'. Yeah, I bet those little bastards are being spoilt to shit, sat there playing a ten-year-old game.

Also in today's Mail was an advert for this thing:

Only £7.90! It's called a Scare Cat and you use it to scare cats away from your garden. It made me laugh, it looks like the least intimidating thing ever. I can imagine my own cats just wandering up to it and making friends with it - that's what happened when we got a vaguely realistic fake cat to see how they'd react. I'd save the money for something else - maybe you could put it towards your next video game purchase, although make sure it's not something with violence in or Anne Diamond might cry.