Tell Thai Heart

sounds like thailand

2012-01-26T06:00:00.000+07:00

Noise. I remember when I thought Thailand was loud. A friend of mine has a visitor visiting and she mentioned how her guest house is loud. Or at least the surroundings are. And so as we walked around town I thought about how I used to think Thailand was loud too.

We walked by the school that she believes is the culprit. Then we continued past a parking lot where a stage had been set up. Some guy in pink was singing to an audience of people and plastic chairs. It was loud.

I thought about the temple bells, the PA system speakers that seem to haunt the streets of Chiang Mai blaring out the Thai anthem every 8am and 6pm. The motorbikes, the karaoke and the PA systems that also announce the news and strange music during seemingly random times of the day. I feel like I am in my own science fiction novel or movie living in a society that spoon feeds its residents, possibly brainwashing them without their knowledge.

Part of the reason why I moved 15minutes out of the city is to get away from the noise. But a municipal building has since been erected and now I hear a great many announcements. Sometimes I am convinced the PA system is broken because they play the same song over and over again. During holidays the announcements become more frequent and since today is a holiday, I guess that is why I am hearing the latest selection of music well before the appointed 6pm anthem.

When I'm in Lamphun during a celebration there is the obligatory stage of dancing girls with music on full volume. I can hear the music in my head because I swear on the Holy Bible they play the same songs over and again. Then there are the advertisement trucks, shouting deals, steals and sales, or the Muay Thai trucks informing us when the next fight will be. I've decided the announcer sounds like Count Dracula from Sesame Street and this makes me giggle.

The ice cream carts and traveling street vendors also produce their own brand of music letting us know, like when we were kids, that the ice cream truck is on our street. Living quarters are also build closer together and if you are fortunate enough to live in a building where you can't hear your neighbors, your friends consider you lucky cat lucky.

Oh and I can't believe I have forgotten this but the noise in the distance has reminded me, there is always construction noise, chatter and clamor. Somewhere you can be certain that someone is cutting cement and the shrill of that tune is a common one in Chiang Mai.

Nature is also very loud here. And I'm not talking about the pack of soi dogs that howl at the temple bells, the moon or lonely bark in the distance.

Maybe all this yakety-yak echoes the noise in our heads. Or maybe this is just culture in motion, a kind of progress like a motorboat moving across the water. I suppose the United States will sound like a whisper the next time I am there but I can't imagine moving back. Strange, isn't it?

Thailand may be a firecracker but my passport country feels like a fuse that never ends, you just follow the flame and wait for the BOOM. I can't say that I like all the noise here. I'm really a quiet kind of gal but I've gotten used to it. I'm more tolerant and I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, maybe both.

a very thai pillow

2012-01-25T09:23:00.001+07:00

delicious...

lack of originality?

2012-01-20T09:11:00.001+07:00

When I went to Vang Vieng Laos during a Christmas holiday, my friend and I saw something truly original, a row of street vendors selling the exact same thing. Four or five ladies with their carts very close together selling French baguette sandwiches on what appeared to be a darkish empty street devoid of anyone but tourists occasionally walking by.

“Do you see any difference?” He said as he leaned over to me, his eyes still on the vendors.

I scanned the menus carefully, “No. Do you?”

“No.”

We looked at each other then back at them. Then continued walking.

“Why don't they spread out or something?”

“Why do they sell the same exact thing?!”

We would experience this repeat performance with more baguette sandwiches and roti stands as we walked around town.

Back in Chiang Mai, I overheard a conversation not too long ago in the work room, where my colleagues were discussing how Thais copy everything like music and fashion from the Koreans or the Japanese. In other words, they lacked originality.

Since I have been only here a year, I'm no expert on Thai originality and whether it exists or not. But I would imagine Korea's burst into insane popularity didn't just happen one day, with say, Girls' Generation or Rain. They probably, dare I say, copied and emulated from their *gasp* Japanese neighbors and the wild wild west before they saw their name in lights.

The Japanese used to make fairly crappy electronic products before they hit their stride and took over the world wide IT department. And they did it by copying from the US first. Now the US can't be bothered with making quality products and Made in Japan no longer holds the Made in China title.

That said, I do feel Thailand is on the verge of pop culture change and excitement. Thailand is already world renown for it's Muay Thai and culinary genius so I think we can credit them with some originality. But I do understand what my colleagues were saying especially in light of my Laos experience and from what I've heard about Vietnam too.

Southeast Asian cultures seem to posses this group mentality that we Westerners find mind boggling. For Americans we pride ourselves on being original, unique, special and independent. We're business minded, me-first, I've staked my claim here kind of people so when we see a row of the same thing we're like, “What?!”

We're used to seeing the same products, rows of them but each product tries to stand out in it's own way: lower pricing, better quality, generic vs name brand, mom & pop vs factory made, etc. So this idea of everyone is equal like in a communistic way makes us wonder how do you get ahead? Well, you don't and that's the point.

i'm sooo high!

2012-01-18T21:48:00.000+07:00

view from ferris wheel at royal flora ratchaphruek chiang mai!

White people in Chiang Mai: It's an expat jungle out there...

2012-01-12T06:30:00.000+07:00

Expats feel the vampire Kiss of Death, if a business gets into Lonely Planet's Thailand, any uniqueness, quality or good deal they might have discovered will become tainted or tarnished. A friend of mine wanted to take me to this really great traditional Thai restaurant but her only stipulation? Don't mention it in your blog Lani. I don't want it overrun with farangs.

I was flattered she thought I had that many readers.

After being out of town for a few days I noticed some changes in my neighborhood. There were a lot more white people in the markets, down the streets, where I go shopping. Now I do live close to the famous Lanna Muay Thai Gym so I expect some whiteness (even though it's far from touristic areas) but I have to admit I like my Asian looks during times like this. I like blending in.

I think many Caucasian expats resent other white people moving in or assume they are annoying tourists. Often I hear in the expat community how they saw a tourist do this or that and isn't it atrocious? Don't get me wrong, I'm not above being shocked by the way some vacationers dress and almost getting in a wreck staring at a woman's boobs.

It's just funny how we take interest in what is different. I used to count how many Asian Americans were at school, in a room or a restaurant or coffee shop back in the United States. Now I notice white people. It's like, Oh Christ, the Whites are moving in to the neighborhood! Prices will be going up!

Am I any different? Nah. I just look different, that's all. Now isn't that interesting?

In college I used to get annoyed when I saw white hippies running around barefoot in their ethnic clothes from Nepal or Thailand. I thought they were trying to borrow a culture because they lacked their own. I suppose if I wanted to I could feel some sort of ownership or validity being here because I'm half Thai, but who the hell am I kidding? Thailand's great and that's why I'm here.

When I first got here I noticed I was being judgmental towards “working girls”, hey, it's easy to look down on them. But then I realized how luck I am and got over it. It would be equally easy to look down on fresh expats rolling in what I feel is my turf. (55 I said fresh expats) But the idea that this is my chair because I sat in it first seems an exercise in insecurity and ridiculousness.

So if you find yourself going through the, “Wow, I'm in Thailand! Everyone is my friend and I can't wait to meet everyone to Hey, I live in Thailand and who the hell are you?” I'd like to direct your attention to the high school years: Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, and Senior. Is it important for you Jrs and Srs to terrorize the Freshmen? Do you still feel the need to be cool? Are you laughing at the newbies mistakes?

Yeahhh. We've come so far. Welcome to the neighborhood.

muang mai market!

2012-01-11T10:23:00.001+07:00

muang mai market is awesome...

it's on the nancy chandler map,

and worth visiting.

especially if you cook!

goodbye 2011...thank you for writing

2011-12-30T17:34:00.001+07:00

It's the end of the year (again) so you know what that means! Well, I don't know what it means for you but for me it is a time of introspection. I go back and read my journals and see where I was at and what I was doing when the new year started.

I've been journaling since high school and the idea of looking back at the year is not an original one but it's been an important trademark, bookmark, check mark for my life. When life is busy we usually don't have time to reflect, pause and observe the changes. But since I don't like to be busy I give myself plenty of time to pause, reflect and think about the changes.

And my way of cogitating over these changes is to journal. It seems preteen, bubblegum pop and sweet 16ish but I say it's my sanity. You know how some folks can tell when they haven't exercised in a few days or eaten well, I can tell when I haven't written. It's my bad acid trip.

Writing reminds me that I have choices, that I don't have to get bogged down by one way of thinking or processing situations. It allows me to breathe so I don't have to feel like I'm holding life in. I don't have to tell my friends every thought I'm having because quite frankly no one needs to hear my thoughts walking, pacing, jogging back and forth.

I can air our my grievances without burdening another. I can entertain silly thoughts about boys that I like. I can set goals for myself and practice my Thai. I can remind myself of what is important and what is not. I can enjoy the moments my pen moves across the page, or feel my fingers stamping over the keyboard.

I can smell the ink, feel the paper crinkle under the impression of my hand writing. I can look out the window and get lost in the leaves of the trees, birds, squirrels, cats, wind and dust. I can leave behind my memories, create new ones and remember my dreams. I can do whatever I want and say whatever I feel because I'm writing for an audience of one.

2011 was the year the quality of my life improved. It was year I finally lived in a house, after many many years. The year of the cat. The year of social living, and a growing bank account. The year of many firsts and dreams coming true. The year new playlists were introduced, and it was the year I learned to live more quietly, contently. This year I became more confident, felt more beautiful, alive, centered and present perfect.

And while the end of 2011 seems to be shifting with changes, after all this wonderful settling down, I am reminded I have my writing to hold me together.

christmas in chiang mai

2011-12-29T13:30:00.001+07:00

at 3 Kings Monument, merry go round!

just your average snowman in Chiang Mai...

ice skating??? i wish! some sort of weird plastic surface...but nice winter touch in thailand!

shopping in thailand

2011-12-24T08:04:00.000+07:00

Shopping with my step dad was a hasty affair, kind of like The Amazing Race but in Foodland. Shopping with my mom was an all day excursion, requiring a lot of looking, touching, poking, prodding of products and a lot of trying on of clothes.

My worst experience was with my brother. Here's a man who knows how to break your spirit. Here's a man who was raised by his mother and older sister. He'd put any woman looking for a bathing suit or a bra to utter shame. I thought I was going to have a seizure watching him shop for jeans, the perfect jeans, the right color jeans, the right fit jeans, the jeans that would show all other jeans what a jean should be.

My mom was like the patron saint of shopping. She didn't seem perturbed at all. There were a few cracks or moments where I thought she's ready to throw in the towel but she kept encouraging him so I looked like the moron who couldn't get it together. The good news is he found his jeans and I can now shop with anyone.

Shopping was how my family bonded. Some families go hiking or do puzzles together, read, cook, play games, we shopped. We didn't have a lot of money so we didn't buy all the time but we went around looking and talking, eating and sometimes watching other shoppers.

I grew up shopping in Hawaii's Chinatown so when I got to Thailand it was an easy transition. I thought, now I get it. Immigrants just took what they knew from the Motherland and brought it over here. A-duhhh. I remember my high school boyfriend told me he thought Chinatown was dirty and I was offended. This was where my family shopped for food...butthole.

So I think for most foreigners open markets in Thailand can be an interesting challenge in cleanliness and culture. Markets have produce and meats sitting outside basking in the various scents of sewage and sunlight and other pungent foods. There are insects, rats, sometimes roach repellent and dust wafting through the air. (Yes, the rats waft through the market air.) It's definitely a cornucopia for the good senses and I hope I never stop delighting in the wonderment of the people and foods.

Shopping in malls and “walking street” markets offer a different experience. The most prominent being sellers who stand by your side ready to help with anything you are remotely taking interest on. I can't think of a single Westerner who isn't put off by this “don't stand so close to me” dance of perusing and purchasing.

My friend Yuko and I have been living here long enough to know what to expect but even in the shopping mall looking for sunglasses, we left a store because the sales ladies were all over us like a bow is on a Thai girl's blouse. This cultural conundrum is a repeat offense that I find fascinating because with CM being such a tourist capital I can't understand why the differences have been shaken out.

Of course, I'm assuming they, the Thais should make the change and well, why should they change, it's their country. On the other side of the wat, why not? I mean sellers want to make a sale, chai mai? I think they want to be attentive but I'm much more likely to buy when I'm left to look first in the privacy of my own body odor space.

Ironically in the States, you have to chase down sales people to pay attention to you. I wonder why we shop the way that we do? I suppose it just echoes our independent-mindedness. I'm sure there have been many folks from other countries who arrive in these United States wondering, “What do I got to do to get some fricken service around here?”

merry christmas from pippin & romeo

2011-12-23T17:37:00.001+07:00

the size, the smell, the gift at my bedroom door! the struggle must have been magnificent. i think i'm gonna be sick.

Chiang Mai Travel Info and Guide

2011-12-15T20:41:00.004+07:00

I'm in Chiang Mai...now what? (Ideas for Lone Rangers and Tontos and every Hi-ho Silver in between.)

Welcome and Bienvenue. You have just arrived, here are some tip top tips: http://tellthaiheart.blogspot.com/2010/03/traveling-around-cm.html and food recommendations: http://tellthaiheart.blogspot.com/2010/03/pat-tai-french-fry.html

Survival kit ideas from Cooee: http://strayandsnap.blogspot.com/2011/01/thailand-survival-kit-for-newbies.html She also has a lot of good information on her site so sticky rice around, won't ya?

And here's the weather channel, I know how some of you are into this kind of thing: http://www.wunderground.com/global/stations/48327.html

Okay on to the ideas ideas!

Gosh, everyone sure does know English. But it would be terrific if I could speak with the locals. Especially that guy staring nakedly (or is it nakedly staring?) into my rubber soul. Learn Thai at AUA: http://www.learnthaiinchiangmai.com/

Citylife Magazine has free copies around town but I really dig on the CityNow! Events calendar: http://www.city-now.com/ It's a great way to see what's happening, and not about those guidebooks which as you are discovering, is not current.

And if you feel like getting out of town: http://tellthaiheart.blogspot.com/2010/02/daytripsthings-to-do-around-chiang-mai.html or if you want to party, relax, swim with the family or friends, may I recommend: http://tellthaiheart.blogspot.com/2011/08/tom-and-kittys-houseboat.html

For coffee addicts like me, your search for a solid cup of brew is one of the interesting things about traveling and exploring a new town. I've written about vegetarian food and coffee places,

http://tellthaiheart.blogspot.com/2011/02/vegetarian-and-coffee-culture-chiang.html but that was before I discovered Akha Ama.

It's pretty much where expats and locals go to interview Lee, I mean, hang out, and I can say I knew him before he was famous. Ohhhhhh coffee...I feel things are over between us too quickly, so fast, there's never enough time...hmmm. http://www.akhaama.com/site/index.php

For lazy nights or when it's raining, Meals on Wheels deliver to you from a selection of tasty restaurants: http://www.mealsonwheels4u.com/ (No, I'm not getting any vouchers, why, you have one?)

And finally, you, of course, could always Volunteer! The good and decent folks at Got Passport know their stuff because they are like really into this and I know them and like them, etc, etc: http://www.gotpassport.org/volunteer/ and I've been to the Viengpieng Children's Home: http://www.baanviengping.com/en/ and really like what they are doing. You need transportation though cause it's out of town.

Hope this was helpful. Please drive carefully. Love from CM, lc

i love my juniors!

2011-12-14T07:40:00.002+07:00

my girls.

"who is i-style?" oh...you mean Einstein. awesomeness.

xxoo

with love from chiang mai...

10 things I learned from my first year of teaching ESL

2011-12-08T07:25:00.005+07:00

#1 I'm not a natural teacher but that's okay. I watched one friend burn her tall sassy self out because she got stuck on the ring road of lesson planning. She just obsessed over it and new teachers have a Johnny Walker tendency to do that.

That said, I enjoy teaching and the students. I just have to work at it. Like any relationship, there will be days when things feel effortless and moments when you feel you are stuck at that damn Niminhaemin light watching the sun set over the sunshine of your life. So I don't know if teachers are born or made, maybe both baby but I'll do it as long as I'm enjoying it.

#2 Lesson planning is an individual road map. Ever since I was in teacher training as a Waldorf teacher, I knew experienced teachers who hardly if at all, lesson planned. Then there are those like my Canadian friend Jules (I just like saying my Canadian friend), who writes everything out neatly in spirally notebooks.

Unless you are being observed or it's asked, lesson planning are your notes that you need to do your job. I find it foolish to judge another teacher on it. Everyone has their own style and personality strengths and who am I to say what works for me will work for you.

#3 Burn out is probably the number neung reason why teachers leave their jobs. It was something I did when I was teaching children so I made it a rule I wouldn't talk shop or teacher talk outside of work. But this changed when a relatively new teacher started sharing with me his lessons and how they went.

I started to realize that I could gain a lot from his perspective and I did. I learned new games and I hopefully helped him out too. I also started to take another look at my grammar lessons. Just remember, teaching is not like a desk job, it sucks the Dark Crystal essence out of you, so you need to find that sweet and bitter balance.

#4 People make the job. I'm fortunate to work in a supportive, collaborative, relaxed environment. My colleagues are great and enough of a personality to make me laugh. In other words, I can be myself. I know what it's like when you have to wear a mask and that sucks the Dark Crystal essence out of you too. Find the former, don't settle for the latter.

#5 Students make the class too. Sometimes we forget (well, mostly newbies) that bad teaching moments are not only about you. Sometimes Mercury is in retrograde and nothing is working. Sometimes the kids are excited because it's a holiday or they just dumped 2lbs of sugar into their bodies. Sometimes everyone is just tired and wants to go home. Just remember, the students will make you a better teacher, so pay attention.

#6 Teaching is a relationship, a two way soi of communication goodness. So give yourself a Kit Kat break. It's an interesting tango of knowing what you need to work on and what you need to chillax about. Although one of the reasons why I like teaching is you have to constantly work on your craft, your self.

#7 Learning another language can really help you understand what the students are going through. I think I've taken Thai 1, like three times. Struggling with a language gives me new appreciation for the process and it helps me to be patient too. People talk about “putting yourself in the other's shoes” but it's been my sad experience that folks rarely do it. With teaching, I don't think this is optional, I mean when my students wear cute shoes to class, I want to try them on. It's important that my students feel like they are not stupid or being judged for their learning process.

#8 Remember to laugh. I think I was a tad too serious when I first taught and probably over the tippy top stressed out. So this is your gentle reminder – RELAX. Smile and have fun. Damn it.

#9 Teaching in the United States, South America or here isn't really very different. Sure, there are cultural nuances but Justin frickin' Bieber was causing girls to go crazy over there and over here. And kids are just kids, now isn't that a relief to remember?

#10 You are going to make a lot of mistakes. During an animal quiz I told my students a cat can fall 250 feet but they can only fall 50 feet. (I don't hate cats, I have two.) I've talked too fast, too much, referred to my notes like I was giving a poorly planned speech and rushed lessons I had no business teaching. Prior teaching experience has helped me a great deal but that just means I got some of it out of the way before I arrived.

Look I've been trying to teach topic sentences to my Level 5 classes and it's been ok-ay. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to do it. A better teacher would have had them writing thesis statements by now and a worse teacher would have them eating their hands, I'm somewhere in between.

money

2011-12-07T07:38:00.000+07:00

impermanence of life

2011-12-06T09:52:00.001+07:00

The impermanence of life seems to be the theme lately. Things that seemed solid suddenly have become rather flimsy. Construction that moved slowly has picked up. Former loves have become recent hates. The whole snake swallowing its own tail thingy has made me wonder which was is up and which way is down.

TV shows and audio books play into the current channel that my life seems to be broadcasting too. And I'm reminded that the future is promised to no one. In other words, things that I took for granted are saying, Hey don't take me for granted.

This thought could be rather depressing. But I don't think you can effectively move through life getting upset over changes, resistance and impermanence. It seems whenever you feel settled, complacent and relaxed, the powers that be throw a little fairy dust your way. And you could be like, Goddamn it, I can't see with all this glitter and dust in my eyes! Or you could be like, Well, I better not do anything until I can see better.

So I'm waiting until I can see more clearly or until the life stops shifting so much. But the ironic thing about waiting and impermanence is you are forced to pay attention to the present moment. At least you can be reminded of this important fact of life and living.

I remember when I was dating Mr. Angry and was getting ready for my flight out of Florida. It was the vacation that should have warned me of how bad we were together but, I was young and stupid. If my nickname for him was Mr. Angry then my nickname at the time was Mrs. Low Self-Esteem. Anyway, he had returned from the parking lot and was wandering around the airport wondering where the heck I was. He thought I went to the gate without saying goodbye. But I went to the bathroom.

When we found each other just minutes before I had to go. He said, “Where have you been? I have been looking everywhere for you!” And then he said something I have never forgotten, “I don't have time to be mad at you!” He hugged me and I thought about the brilliance of his words. Isn't it funny that we have time to be mad at somebody?

When my days are numbered at a job or a town or specific place, I've noticed how much I start to just look around and enjoy the little things that I currently took for granted. A lot of expats on their departure from Thailand go through their “I'll miss this list” and we all smile and wonder where the time went because we are saying goodbye.

Sometimes I wonder when I'm going to catch an emergency break but then I decided I can focus on what is going right in my life or what is going wrong. This of course, is a lot harder than it seems and is also very easy to do. Depending on how you want to look at it.

*No, I'm not dying. Just remembering that one day I will...Cheers!

the holidays

2011-12-01T09:11:00.000+07:00

On Thanksgiving I called my mom. It was a day early for her in Hawaii but I wanted to call her all the same. She told me that she bought some hair dye and that tomorrow she was going to visit my father then dye her hair. I smiled.

We don't have family traditions. I mean there's my younger brother, my mom and I and sometimes my mom's ex who I refer to as my step-dad out of convenience, but we aren't a big family. On Thanksgiving we sometimes cooked at home and sometimes didn't. On Christmas we sometimes had a tree and sometimes didn't.

We don't open that one gift on Christmas Eve from grandma or start with the stockings or eat a particular dish or have those traditions that my friends families have. Except today I realized we do have one. We went to Punchbowl Cemetery to see my father.

And I still miss him with the same tears as if he died yesterday and not 32 years ago. I don't know why. Shouldn't these feelings fade with time?

Sometimes we would stop by Chinatown to buy flowers and other times we would hit the local grocer. I don't know if I'd stressed out so much as get agitated over what flowers to choose. It's important to pick the ones that will last the longest in the Hawaiian sun. The ones that are native to the islands are the ones that look and last the best.

Punchbowl is a dead volcano and from Honolulu we drive up a very steep hill, take a right at the light then follow the windy road through old top heavy houses that would look ordinary in any other place, but here I know it's expensive. We pass a school and then veer off a road that you need to know is there, up another hill, a left, then right and we are on the driveway to the cemetery.

The view of the city and Pacific below is stunning because it's Hawaii and because it's my childhood home. Then we enter these tall wrought iron gates and we have arrived into what I think is the prettiest cemetery. It's quite large and seeing it grow over the years feels natural and a little queer too.

The roads are lined with old large trees with outstretched wings that provide shade and protection. It's a bit of a maze so you need to know where you are going, and we know where we are going. To the top of the “bowl” - not where the monument where the lady in white is, but to the right where the old bomb shelters were/are.

My dad is not far from one of those old grand trees which I like. He's also near many gravestones marked “unknown” from WWII. Unknown 22 is not 22 unknown bodies but 22 unknown body parts. As a child, my brother and I would walk carefully around the invisible boundaries of caskets unseen and as we got older, read the nearby gravestones with interest and more understanding.

Date of birth and death aren't the only things on the headstones but religion and what war they served in. Punchbowl is a military cemetery for servicemen and their families. My father's headstone says Catholic, as does his dog tags, but my father wasn't really Catholic. Grandma said he changed religions with the frequency of hoping to find one that fit.

I find it so fascinating that you try on these different outfits and whatever one you are wearing at the time of death is the one you are stuck with. Do you know what I mean?

We park the car then one of us goes and digs up the upside down metal vase that sits just below his headstone. Usually we have to rip up the grass that has grown over it and twist it off, as it fits like a jigsaw piece or blender we have to click into place. Across the street is a spigot where we rinse the vase with the raised gold Christian/Catholic cross on it, cut the flowers and fill the vase.

My mother, brother and I must have created quite the sight sitting or standing around my father's grave. But I somehow took comfort in seeing other grieving families, pairs, people and smaller children walking around the cemetery. Isn't that strange?

I remember when I was walking around Ala Moana and found these little painted river pebbles scattered thoughtfully (?) around the mall. I think there were words on them too, like “Love” and “Jesus”. There were so many of them that I started to pocket them and later I placed them around my father's headstone.

The next time we visited, they were gone. As was the picture I drew of him for Father's Day. A class project that I had to do even though I told my teacher I didn't have a father. She thought about it for a moment after I whispered, “He's dead.” She said, “Draw him anyway.” That was in the 6th grade and I imagined the picture blew away even though I weighed it down with rocks.

Before we left Punchbowl, my mom always told us to tell my father something, and since I can't be at his grave now I will write instead. . .Your son had another child on Thanksgiving Day. A girl named Molly. So you have three grandchildren! The boys are handsome and bright. Everyone is healthy and happy and I'm still in Thailand. I love you and miss you. I love you and miss you. I love you and miss you.

the problem with expat bloggers

2011-11-24T07:07:00.001+07:00

Expat bloggers: self indulgent or service-oriented people?

It has come to my attention recently that some folks see writing as an act of self-indulgence. I am feeding myself chocolate. Yes. I am now rubbing the chocolate all over my body and it is melting because of my body heat. Yes. I am recording myself and uploading the video on yu-be-tubing. Oh, yes.

Although I see writing as a service. I am servicing the community by writing down my thoughts and feelings because if I wasn't writing then I'd probably be gratuitously talking or doing something equally destructive to express myself.

So by the time it reaches my blogs, my writing has been cut down and reshaped into easy bite sized, pre-chewed pieces of delicious goodness. See?

I blog to share. And not because I think I am the Holy Grail of writers (thirsty?) but because I enjoy writing. When you enjoy doing something you inevitably share it. I think. And the relevant feedback I have gotten lets me know I'm on the right footpath. I mean isn't that what the internet is for? connecting to others?

Now I know some expat bloggers (not personally, but I've like heard about them) who try to connect just for the sake of having a big readership so they can look good to the other peacocks in the parade of bloggers. Supposedly they go out and have oriental experiences so they have something to write about. I jokenly told my friend, maybe they decide to have a baby so they can blog about it.

I don't know. Eventually though I think people can sniff out inauthenticity. What's interesting to me is bloggers have become such a sub-culture that we can now poke finger lickin' fun at them. I mean, I just described a caricature or a cliché. Spineless bloggers are today's used cars salesmen.

Although to quit that “good” job and travel the world and blog about it is also creating a generation of self-educators. At least I hope that is what they are doing. Children and all, travel bloggers/expat bloggers are becoming more and more commonplace.

So I'm not sure who is worse: the blogger whose personal diary is so bad it is like taking a bath in perfume or the blogger who just wants your paypal account. And yes, I do see the irony in saying my writing is a service. Because that sounds self-indulgent.

But. I think writing is a search for clarity and understanding. Sure sometimes it is pure entertainment and good writing is all of these things. Not that I'm saying my writing is good or anything (*cough, cough*). If blogging is a service-oriented past time/full time job then what are you providing? What are you giving?

Me? Self-imposed restraint.

loy loy kratong...hope yours was the best.

2011-11-23T07:38:00.000+07:00

@3Kings Monument (*photo credit: RM)

what's your favorite food?

2011-11-17T08:18:00.004+07:00

What's your favorite food?

Noodle.

By far the most common answer to the common practicing English in the classroom question. I'd say fried chicken or fried rice would be the second most common. But let's go back to noodles. Or nooden as it is pronounced by Thais.

I really like ramen noodles. I remember telling my friend JP that I make ramen at home, quite often. You know, drop an egg in the boiling water, add some vegetables, like cabbage or kale and you've got yourself a nice hearty meal.

Now it should be noted that JP is a foodie and a good friend. So I took it in Bubble Yum stride when she said, “Oh my God! Ramen is so bad for you!” Yeah, but, it tastes so good. It's comfort food too.

When I was attending Fort Lewis College in the Subaru and SUV town of Durango Colorado, I received the same disgusted reaction from my college roommates. Who knew ramen had such a bad rat tat tat reputation? I mean LibreOffice keeps giving ramen the red underline squiggly (the middle finger of the word processing world).

But I grew up with ramen. We were friends who spent a lot of time together. Maybe because my brother and I were latchkey kids. I don't know but I could always reply upon the rice cooker ON and a variety of ramen on the shelves.

The popular MAMA glass noodles were always there, as were the classic Sapporo Ichiban, the latter being my go-to brand. There are more noodles in Ichiban! (What can I say, I have fat girl tendencies.) I even started discussing which ramen flavors I liked best when we were at the Commissary (military grocer). I had to make sure that she picked up the brand that had the dried soybean and udon noodles.

My mom taught me how to make a bowl of ramen by adding sliced pork, any vegetables you might have lurking in the recesses of your crisper (even lettuce tastes good!), an egg and using half of the seasoning packet or discarding it all together for your own broth. And after living in Thailand and seeing how vendors make a living off of doing this with MAMA noodles, I'm not surprised.

Growing up in Hawaii is like growing up in a Hot Pot of Asian countries. I was exposed to many different kinds of food, flavors, customs and cultures. The fact that McDonalds served saimin noodles and Portuguese sausage, eggs and rice didn't phase me until I was in California and tried to order Portuguese sausage, eggs and rice for breakfast.

In grade school it became trendy to bring your own packet of ramen. At recess, kids would break their uncooked noodles, and eat it raw, nibbling on the chunks like a cookie or Rice Krispies treat, sometimes adding the seasoning packet. This seemed like a horrible waste of good noodles that like to take a hot bath and I wasn't sold on the taste but I understood (for the first time?) the importance of wanting to be cool.

What's your favorite food? Nooden. Why? Um. Because it's easy to eat and it's delicious.

Couldn't agree more.

pepsi challenge gone ramen

2011-11-16T11:36:00.000+07:00

eh.

no seasoning packet, 4 noodle cakes and only 22 baht!

by far the best. it's spicy-licious :)

the McDonalds Factor

2011-11-07T08:55:00.001+07:00

Right now life is about keeping nature out of my house. There is a large frog or toad (No, I won't google it.) that keeps coming into the house. The first time I saw him was behind the dining room table. He was facing north so I thought, Okay. Good feng shui, I'll go with it. Plus I was too tired.

Second time, I almost stepped on him. He didn't feel like the cat and when I turned on the light, there he was. I did manage to capture him in my dirty laundry and throw him out which is why I wondered how he managed to get back in again. Doesn't he get the hint?

There is also an insane amount of ants that keep climbing around every crevice and corner. I discovered them in the kitchen on the ceiling after I had done the kind of deep cleaning that you do when you are getting ready to move. They like the upstairs bathroom, living room and outside where I walk and they bite! Then last night I saw a line of them from my bedroom to the bathroom.

As I was heading back upstairs for bug spray a large spider greeted me. Now, I'm used to killing spiders because I've had to become accustomed to them enjoying my bedroom. But this guy, this guy made me gasp. In these situations I've learned that the shoe is the best weapon.

Also, a couple of times after I have taken a shower I'd grab my towel only to find a large lizard ka-plunk on to the floor. He doesn't bother me though. I know his days are numbered with the cats in the house. Then today, after work, I saw a different colored, oh I don't know 12 inch lizard chillin' in my bathroom sink.

This all reminds me of the McDonalds Factor. That desire for something familiar in unfamiliar territory, for something to feel normal when life feels not so normal. The McDonalds Factor is something the brain recognizes and is comforted by, because this house, this country is re-training me in ways that feel both hot and cold.

You see, expats go through these cravings, not unlike a pregnant woman, craving all the things they normally would not. That is to say, they crave McDonalds.

My friend and I were near the McDonalds (with a drive thru!) when he decided he must have a Big Mac. We discussed how we do not eat McDonalds when we are in the States but here? it's a novelity and a half with the taste of french fries hitting the home run.

Things that we took for granted, things we didn't even like, are infused with the fresh scent of I WANT IT. So it is interesting what we can do without and what nibbling pleasure we can get from ordinary and previously repulsive things. ..just because the mind recognizes it.

Equally fascinating is if Thailand, Chiang Mai suddenly was inundated with all the fast food and chains that we "missed" from back home, Chiang Mai would cease to be so Chiang Mai. It would look like a city trying to be American, and I wonder after the fun of that wore off if expats would just start to resent the presense of Big Business?

Places, cities, towns, countries, should be unique. One of the things I started to notice about towns back home were the lack of mom and pop stores and the profusion of brand names and lack of character. I'm not ready for that to happen to Chiang Mai.

Don't get me wrong, it's great finding those products from home. It really is. And I enjoy fast food like anyone else from time to time. I'm sure psychologically there is an explanation. I mean I'm enjoying the teeny bop TV show Glee and mainstream music which I'm sure is my way of regressing and progressing in my life as an American abroad.

But I have no desire to move back. I just need a McDonalds quarter pounder and fries occassionally to remind me of the place where I grew up and then I can motorbike home to my cabin in the bamboo woods.

What makes a good teacher?

2011-10-27T06:33:00.003+07:00

Some teachers think their students are stupid. I don't think my students are stupid, in fact, quite the opposite, I think they are smart and clever and little geniuses. If they are giving me that blank open mouth stare I think I've done a poor job explaining what I want them to do. Or I think they are having one of those moments when our brain decides to take a sleepy time nap.

There is a 14 year old student ringleader in my latest low level junior class. He's tall, well-made and hilarous. Oh, and the bane of my existence for about 1 hour from Tuesday to Friday. He often stares off into space or decides this is a good time to work on his world map reading skills and partakes in self talk like, “Where is Hong Kong????” when they should be doing something else.

He also sends the girls into uncontrollable giggles and the boys into wanting to be more like him.

Because I have worked with younger children I pretty much treat the teenagers the same way, with a lot of patience and understanding. At times I think about how he does in other classrooms, possibly with a teacher who snaps their fingers in front of his face because he's a day dreamer. But since I'm the same way, I don't do that. I just remind him (at least once during every class) what he needs to be doing.

And frankly sometimes the kids are just tired. I'm surprised by how much schooling Thai students go through, by how much homework and studying and extra special classes they have to do. I don't remember this from my childhood but then again, I grew up in Hawaii where we take sabai sabai right into the educational level. I had recess in high school.

The teenagers in Thailand have also retained the innocence that has promptly left the kids in the United States. It's embarassing. (Along with the heafty weight problem that plagues the nation.) So when I work with the juniors it seems very natural to treat them as I would the younger children. They are, after all, still children.

I can't stand it when adults treat children like little adults. Not only are they not physically, they are not mentally (same thing) developed and that confuses the mathematics right out of them. I was considered a mature kid because I was quiet. But I wasn't. My dad fricken died so I was melancholic. I was anything but worldly and knowledgeable.

I'm also a second language learner, so I feel very sympathetic towards my students who are struggling with English. Anyone could find me on a bad day attempting to speak ~~English~~ Thai and decide, “What a moron.” And I've accepted moron status. But not in a degrating way, in a Hey I really don't know what I'm doing, but I'm trying kind of way.

Another boy in that same junior class wrote down “stupid” for adjectives to describe himself during one of the exercises. I was shocked and said, No, you're not. Why would you say that? Of course, I realized someone must have told him that. And since this was just a few days in the class I secretly wondered about him because he was – so quiet and often would not answer me.

Turns out, he's brilliant. He knows what he's doing, and he knows what I'm saying. He just makes this distressed face while he processes. Adorable! I get it. I mean, it takes me a little while to move over to Thai and I hate it when someone jumps in just as I'm getting ready to say what I wanted to say in pasa Thai.

So he makes a funny face, so he takes his time and we naturally assume our children are stupid? Look I know I'm not a great teacher, my grammar is something I need to review and talk out with my colleagues. I have a lot to learn. Newer teachers are better than me. It's simply not my gift. My gift is my ability to relate to people. My gift is – I like you and believe in you, just the way you are.

You do realize, now, that I have high jinxed myself and will get the biggest challenge yet....coming soon.

meet albert

2011-10-26T08:06:00.000+07:00

hello, my name is albert.

hello pippin! how are you today?

and romeo! i want to eat you! yum, yum, yum.

the Sims expat

2011-10-22T20:47:00.000+07:00

Sometimes living abroad is very walking pedestrian and not unlike living in your passport country. But sometimes you become a different person and/or lead a crazy different lifestyle. I suppose like that computer game Sims.

I've never played it but my friend is REALLY into it and has created storylines and a whole other world that she blogged about and I'm sure there are other people who have done the same thing. The way I understand it is you create a character or two or three and a life for them to live in. So the player becomes an alter ego and interacts in a realistic fantasy world.

Since I used to play RPGs (role playing games) when I was a kid, I totally get it. And since I don't live in front of a computer, I totally don't get it. But whatever. We live in a world that enjoys judging others like it's a game to be played when we're feeling dicey.

As I struggled to write my morning pages this atmospheric cool morning, I remembered wistfully what it was like to be in my old routine of sleeping regular consistent hours. You see, I've been busy. Some people like to be busy. I don't. It just makes me crazy.

My ex discovered this when we were in Hua Hin. The phrase 'lost my shit' comes to mind. We had been traveling through Thailand together and thought we were being smart by discovering that we needed lots of breaks and restful periods between cities and such. But what we also needed to recognize was, I needed to be alone.

Now he thinks that whenever I get near large bodies of water I go crazy. This is so not true. Large bodies of water do not make me go crazy, large amounts of time spent with other people do. I start to feel the crazy crawl up my neck and throat region. I start to think, Oh god, what is wrong with me? I'm so lucky to have friends and be around wonderful people who want to spend time with me. I start to think, Oh, god, please make everyone go away.

I know what you are thinking, Poor Lani! She's so popular and cute and funny. She's amazing and special, I wonder if she'd like to have lunch tomorrow? But seriously. (I'm busy.)

Back in the States before I landed here, I led a quiet and not so busy life that consisted of me and the ex (who shall hereforth be known as Mr. MMA) moving from town to town. I suppose we were looking for The Answer.

During our 6 year run, I fell into the classic relationship trap: I spent all my time with him. So socially my world became small, my life contracted but life needs to contract sometimes so I have no regrets. It was what it was.

Another lifetime later, my life is expanding. . .somehow here in Chiang Mai, I have made friends from all over the world, and all the things that I put away and shelved during that 6 year relationship I have taken down again to play with. You know, my sense of touch, taste, smell, hearing, seeing, balance and language. . .

Music was not important to Mr. MMA so I would listen to it when he wasn't around, during my commutes, not as much, and when I started to, well, burst, I said, Look I'm going to listen to my music, sorry, you're going to have to just suck it up. And when things started to go really bad, I started to do my own thing and that meant listening to my music and tuning him completely out.

Soon after I moved out of our apartment, and crawled my way back to independence, music found me. It started with a thumb drive exchange with Julia. Movies were next to follow since Mr. MMA didn't like films outside of genres action and comedy. My brother claimed he had no soul because he didn't like fantasy and well, Larry is a genius so...Yeaaahhh, we were very different and I lost a bit of Lani along the way but the good news is I've been on my own for 2 years and I won't go back.

I don't know how it is for men but for women I think this is common. I'm grateful though that I learned my lesson and will keep a close eye on Lani. A close eye. Appropriately I'm listening to “I Won't Let The Sun Go Down On Me” by Nik Kershaw. (Thanks Joe!)

I won't let the music, the literature, poetry, movies, or new found laughter and dancing that I seem to do now on a regular basis set on me either. And I won't bleed into another relationship. I had to learn that lesson with work too. So I've become like a mama bear with my time and with my friends.

I owe so much to them, my friends. They picked me up when Mr. MMA left me shattered. In fact, they picked me up so quickly, I forgot to feel shattered. They reminded me of who I am by challenging me and being patient with me too. They even adore my writing and push me towards it. They understand that I need time alone. And oddly enough they still enjoy my company.

Thailand is just not filled with Sims sex-pats or even Sims-pats, it's filled with amazing people who I don't think I would have ever met had I not decided to follow my nose. Thailand is not where I decided to live out an alter ego, it's where I found me, again.

shameless plug friday

2011-10-21T10:57:00.000+07:00

http://www.catandnat.com/pages/content/lani-lives-thailand

http://www.jetsettlersmag.com/?p=565

and in case you missed it...

http://womenlearnthai.com/index.php/a-thai-learning-thai/