Lucid I - Random Thoughts by a Canadian

SAD is in full effect

2014-11-06T16:12:00.000-05:00

Greetings all,

My Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has kicked in big time this week. It seems like the changing the clocks back an hour makes me feel ever worse and I don't remember if I ever get better the rest of the season. I started feeling sleepy and tired about 3 weeks ago but now I feel massively depressed. I can barely smile and have very little motivation to do anything. I think I stayed home all day Tuesday!

I might just go on anti depressants this year. I've been suffering for almost 10 years and have tried all types of supplements to see if I get a mood boost but to no luck. I've tried the fish oil and the St John Worts and many other supplements. I am going to try one more because I came across an article that said they tried this product called Progressive Labs Pineal Concentrate and that helped with their SAD. I couldn't find any other positive review about this product but I'm desperate so I'll try one more thing.

I felt really bad on Tuesday. I felt like all of my flaws were heightened and I felt like I was just a really bad person and a monster. I know it's not true but when your flaws get magnified and you are feeling very vulnerable, it is tough to deal with this. Depression is not fun.

I don't have much motivation to exercise and my body aches. My ex boyfriend would make it seem like this was something I could just easily treat with exercise but even when I did exercise, I felt like it had no effect on my system and I felt maybe good for a few minutes and not long term.

I hate this time of year, I really do. I will move south if I can't manage this disorder and live a normal life.

My Opinion on this Whole Jian Ghomeshi News

2014-10-30T17:26:00.000-04:00

Greetings all,

Today is my day off so I spent it by indulging in online news and the main news story seems to be the Ghomeshi sex/violence story. I heard about this on Facebook on Sunday (I think) when he first posted his Facebook status saying how some 'jilted ex' is ruining his career. When I first read it, I knew it was BS because I've seen that type of behaviour from abusers. They take no responsibility for what goes on in their life and then blame someone else for the bad that occurs. A lot of people were hating this woman who stepped up and basically it was all about blaming the woman.

I never followed his radio show but when I first saw him, I thought he was gay and good looking so I'm surprised to learn that he would go after women. He seems likeable too and because he was good looking, I think people probably had a hard time grasping he could be like that but I know that you can never trust someone until you know them personally for several years because different scenarios reveal different sides of a person. It is sad when you see someone who seems like a good person and then learn of this evil. His behaviour is definitely evil. A flawed human we all can love and accept but this is just evil and wrong.

Now we are hearing more stories of women coming out, 8 to date and now everyone who was hating on this woman is now hating on Ghomeshi. I checked out his facebook profile and lots of people were spewing hate, calling him a monster, etc.

I think he's guilty but I don't think it's right to call him a monster and to basically lash out at him. Is it going to make him change? I doubt it. There's obviously something wrong with him but is it something he can change with psychotherapy or is he just like a sociopath who basically does not have the capacity to change?

The other thing that bothers me is how people think these women are lying because they didn't report it right away. I haven't experienced sexual abuse and there was a couple of incidences of weird/scary sexual behaviour I've experienced but I wouldn't think to report it because it would be a waste of time. I read too that false accusations only occur 2% of the time and the vast majority of sexual abuse goes unreported.

I think it's sad that we as a culture and on a global scale, have this negative belief on sexual abuse and blame the victim. Why is it with other crimes, we don't treat them the same way? Is it because the crime is sexual and sex is something where the lines can be easily blurred? I had a woman attempt to steal my purse and I was shaken badly. I called the cops but nothing was done anyways. I wasn't made to feel like a criminal and had a witness. But on some level, even I too felt like I hope they don't think I'm making this up.

And people like Ghomeshi know full well they have power and they abuse it and can get away with it. If I were a victim, I probably would just avoid him and move on with my life. People just assume you want a piece of them, when really all you want is justice.

All this sexual abuse that I read about, not just Ghomeshi but like one woman somewhere in the Middle East was recently hung because she killed or attack a man that raped her, just really makes me realize how scary and hard it is to be a woman.

I think for me, I just grew up accepting that you have to be tough but because society is so cruel to women in so many ways, it makes it difficult to want to vulnerable. I feel deep down I am very gentle and vulnerable, like most people and yet society forces you to be tough and to protect yourself. There really is not much you can do other than be mistrustful of people and cut out all the rotten apples out of your life.

Society has a lot of negative programming to fix, particular when it comes to the rape culture and the hate there is about women.

Meditation Woes

2014-10-23T13:31:00.001-04:00

Greetings all,

I only did ganapati kriya for a week so I didn't commit myself officially to doing a 40 day discipline. I had midterms this week and I find that with my being so busy with school. I don't have the discipline to do a 40 day discipline. I don't meditate daily. I do qigong pretty much on a daily basis and maybe in the span of 40 days, I miss a couple of days but I do have at least a consistent practice.

I think too, I get different things out of ganapati and Bound Lotus. I feel they are both complementary to each other but frankly I don't have the time to be dedicated to either of them in terms of a discipline. When I worked, it was easy to do 40 day or 120 day disciplines but because school is so demanding, I want to use that discipline energy towards school. I've only got so much discipline and it needs to be directed towards school!

I like the feeling of bowing and surrendering in Bound Lotus but sometimes I feel like nothing is happening. I like chanting and doing Ganapati and I feel chanting it has a healing and soothing energy to it. They are both quite different and I feel I would have to do both. When I do Bound Lotus, I feel like I am missing something and when I do Ganapati, I feel like I just need to surrender. I am sitting up and feel like I just want to rest my head. I wonder if I can combine the postures but usually doing that is not advised. Maybe I can bow and do Ganapati?

Ever since I started doing qigong this year, I was telling my kundalini yoga friend I feel it's harder to do disciplines because qigong is so meditative and yet because I've always done KY meditations, I feel odd not doing any but qigong makes me feel pretty good.

The Improv Clown

2014-10-14T11:02:00.000-04:00

Greetings all,

I joined the improv team at school. Two groups had auditions and I joined this group last year and was surprised there were having auditions because they didn't last year. The other team was a long form and I guess I wasn't good enough for them. My 15 years of improv experience, just wasn't enough! I figured that group was more of a clique and they probably knew already who they wanted.

Anyways, I wasn't able to go to the short form group last year because they had their improv on Monday nights and that's when I would go the Math Aid centre. School takes precedence over improv. This year the Math Aid hours have changed and it is on Monday afternoon and the improv team meets on Thursdays so now I can be more involved with improv.

I went to improv 2 weeks ago and met one of the players. My first impression was that she looked like a clown. She had way too much eye make up on and her eyelashes looked like spider legs. She then had too much blush on and to top it off, had the fake tan look going on. I learned she was a math major. She looked vaguely familiar. When I got home, I realized she was in one of my math classes but sat on the other side of the lecture hall. I remember noticing from quite a distance she had too much make up on and I automatically classified her as a bimbo because she was the stereotypical skinny, tall blonde with too much make up.

I didn't get a chance to talk to her but she seemed like she was a nice girl and she didn't suck at improv. I just don't know if her friends have told her she has too much make up on, or maybe they are all like her and wear too much make up and think it's normal, or maybe they have told her and she doesn't care. I'm not going to say anything but if we were to become friends, I'd have to point it out. She probably would be better looking if she didn't have any make up on. That's what I find silly. She's not ugly and doesn't really need to look like a clown.

Back to Ganapati Kriya?

2014-10-12T22:34:00.001-04:00

Greetings all,

I am going through some personal challenges again. I think part of it is because my Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking in but also school related. I had a test in one of my courses this Friday and it brought up a tremendous amount of anxiety. The night before I was massively worried and I did briefly a meditation we regularly did in my Sat Nam Rasayan class and then I decided to just do a meditation I used to do regularly, Ganapati Kriya.

I cried a lot but I still felt lots of anxiety and stress. I had my test Friday morning and then felt massively bad about myself. Our instructor is new to teaching this particular course and he gave us a practice test. My friend said he said it was the hardest of the 3 he wrote but I think the actual test was harder! I also found out it was challenging for other students and a couple of people didn't finish the test on time. The test was 50 minutes and had 5 questions but they all had like 3 sub questions. I don't think he realized it was probably too long. Would have been better to make 3 questions with 3 sub questions.

I don't think he's a bad person but I feel he just isn't that effective as a teacher and probably has to work at it. My friend and I agree that the way he presents the material just doesn't have a focus. A lot of the time, I feel like "where you taking us?". I know with other professors, I feel they are more structured. He's semi structured. I've seen worse professors

Anyways, this bad experience from the test made me feel bad on Saturday as well. I felt like I should just quit university. Why am I studying math and stats? I also felt like if I were to quit, I wouldn't know what to do. I've tried comedy and that didn't work. I don't know what else to study in school that would help me get a good job. I felt stuck and trapped and GP is usually good for these types of feelings. I reread a journal entry from 2 years ago and was going through the same struggles in school. I felt like, am I making a mistake and wasting my time? I did Ganapati again and while I didn't cry on Friday, I cried alot last night. I got the message "Don't give up". I thought afterwards, in what sense? Don't give up on school? Don't give up on finding a loving relationship? Don't give up on both? Don't give up on Life? I've been longing for a relationship. I'm frustrated with my feeling of not feeling successful and feel like I'll never amount to anything in life.

I tried my best in preparing for this test and I felt like I'm not going to get a respectable grade and yet I need one in this course. I felt like all this work for nothing. It felt like a waste! I maybe had one moment where I thought, all that work at least may not have been enough to ace the test but it does help in terms of understanding the material.

The test may be graded on a curve and I hope so. We have a 2nd test in this course and he may make it easier. That happened in one of my courses. The prof made the first test so hard and bumped up the grades and then made the 2nd test easier. I just don't know what's wrong with these people! As a mature student too, I feel like I am making a sacrifice to be there and am paying what I think, good money to be there. These people should be bending over backwards to help us understand the material and learn but it seems like it's just a game and sometimes it doesn't seem like it's about learning.

Maybe I will go back to doing the Ganapati kriya. Since I mentioned that I feel qigong is meditative, I don't feel the need for meditating but maybe I need to go back to GP for a while and do a 40 day discipline. I guess I am feeling frustrated with my life and my life as a student. I've been dabbling in Bound Lotus but not sure about doing a discipline with it.

It's been a while since I've done GP, I think several months at least so maybe I can try it out again. It's always been good for me so I guess I can't go wrong.

Warning: A Sorta Sexual Poem

2014-10-11T17:25:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I was reading my drafts and this was a post that I guess I didn't publish it. I think because I thought it was a lame attempt to be sexual and maybe that's why I didn't publish it. Well I'll publish it anyways, even though I don't feel it's particularly sexual as a poem. I don't remember when I wrote this and don't remember who my crush was at the time but here's the original post:

I'm dedicating this poem for my current crush and to all the future crushes I will have.

You are so unsuspecting.
Thinking we're just friends.
You haven't got a clue.
Let me lead you into my thoughts.

Throw me down.
Tie me up.
Throw one into me.
And lick me all about.

I know what you are thinking.
So please just whisper it to me.
I know that you want me.
So please just let me hear it.

I know you've got some fantasies.
And I'll just play them out for you.
Don't think I will laugh at them.
I will treat them with the utmost care.

Aren't you glad it's over?
Aren't you glad I let you have your way with me?
Aren't you glad I want to do it again?

Sat Nam Fest

2014-10-11T15:59:00.001-04:00

Greetings all,

I've been wanting to go since last year to the Sat Nam Fest which is run by Spirit Voyage. It's basically a 4 day festival where they have musicians from the Kundalini Yoga community and they play their music. Some of it is music they wrote but most of it are Kundalini chants. I have one musician who is a favourite, Gurunam Singh. I have a few of his individual songs which I downloaded but would eventually like to get a full album.

They usually have these festivals in October or February but these are bad times for me because I am in school and cannot skip out of town. Like it's this weekend and in Pennsylvania. I could go for 2 days maybe but it's too much effort to go to since it's in the US

I learned this year they are doing one at the end of December in Mexico. Last year I went away to the Dominican after Christmas since I have seasonal affective disorder and find it helps lift my spirits to be in a sunny environment. I also enjoyed spending New Year's Eve in another country and thought last year that should be my new tradition.

I've been to Mexico a few years ago and this festival is taking place near Mexico city, which I have not been. I'm someone who likes to visit new countries. I've just been to Cancun and Cozumel and not to this part of Mexico. If I can go scuba diving on the west coast of Mexico, I can make it worth my time. I was originally thinking of going away to Costa Rica after my first semester but I feel my heart would rather go and chant for 4 days and then I can spend time site seeing and swimming.

Sadly so far Gurunam isn't going to be a performer but I sent his web site an email encouraging him to attend since I don't have a chance to make the Sat Nam Fest this weekend. He's got a really deep, masculine voice and I like his vibe.

Leadership Conference

2014-10-06T14:10:00.001-04:00

Greetings all,

I had a conference at school on Friday on Leadership. They invited people earlier in the summer to give feedback on how to format the conference and I decided to attend it because they were offering treats and I am easily seduced by treats.

I made some suggestions on what I wanted to see at the conference and they actually did my suggestions so I was pleased about that. One suggestion was based on Susan Cain's book Quiet. I wanted them to discuss how Leaders can be introverted as our culture seems to only think a Leader is someone who is extroverted. I didn't go to this workshop but I heard people enjoyed it. I think it was something others needed to know about because our culture is biased towards people with quiet confidence.

I also made a suggestion on a workshop that utilizes some concepts from improv, like Yes and. That was what they called the workshop. Yes and is basically an exercise that underlies all of improv. It's the idea that you take what someone says and Yes and it. Improv is not about blocking. It's about accepting and I think to be a good leader, you need to learn how to accept things instead of blocking things. Like for example, in improv if the offer is someone says "Hey I like your hat", you can say "Yes and my hat makes me want to go to the movies", then the other person can say "Yes and going to movies makes me want to buy popcorn" and is followed by "Yes and popcorn reminds me of how much my mother loves me".

Obviously if we spent that seen arguing and blocking, it would go nowhere. "No don't like my hat..."
And that goes no where.

Same idea for leadership. People don't need to say no and can work with what's given them.

The workshops I did was on Resilience and Leadership is...The Leadership is... workshop was more about having smaller discussions with people on various social topics. It was interesting.

I liked the Resilience one more. It actually raised more questions for me like how do I know if I'm resilient? I don't think I'm resilient and I was told to try online quizzes. One of them said I was average and another above average. I don't really feel I am resilient. I feel I don't have much of a choice anyways. You have to move on in life. You still keep on living so why not just do what has to be done. I have been through a lot of financial difficulties but I don't feel that makes me resilient.

One trait of resilient people is that they have a social network. I feel for me, when I am stressed I don't look to others, I turn within and so I wasn't really sure if having a social network is what leads to resilience. I am an introvert and so as an introvert I seek validation and comfort internally and then I decide if I need external help, to seek it out.

I guess I don't classify myself as resilient and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I don't like dealing with difficult things and rather have a comfortable, easy life.

Foodies Make No Sense to Me!

2014-09-21T19:43:00.001-04:00

Greetings,

There are several meetup groups out there that are just on food and going out for dinner. I think I joined one once and never went to it. All they did was regular coffee and brunches but they were on Sundays and usually I had other things to do.

One woman has a group going that aims to be budget conscious, under $20 for the meal but I find several of the meetups are well over this range.

I never really understood the popularity of these groups. I can understand going out for dinner once a month but that's all these people do and that would be super boring for me. There's so much to do in Toronto but why just eat all the time?

This one woman has a blog on food and its super boring. This person is like obsessed with eating and I think it's rather unhealthy. Someone was telling me people can be like that if they are obsessed about being thin. This woman is rather thin but I think she needs a hobby besides food.

I myself have several hobbies like qigong, meditation, yoga, walking, improv and live music. I have more interests and I would rather spend my money on fun things that involve exploring the city instead of just eating. That would be super boring for me.

I was told the appeal for dinner meetups is that it gives people the chance to socialize and eat, which is a common activity. I find sitting down for 2 hours mind numbing. I want to get up and move. It's hard to circulate too as a host if you have to eat.

I really just don't it. And these foodie groups always take tons of photos of their food. Who cares? It is just so gluttonous to me because there are people starving in this world and all these people seem to care about is their own food. I find foodies are too small minded for my liking. There's more to life than just eating.

Another Sad Love Song

2014-09-11T11:57:00.001-04:00

Greetings all,

I went camping for the long weekend since I didn't go last year. I had a good time and the last time I went was with the introvert group. I found camping triggered some emotions from when I went camping 2 years ago. I had to share my tent with a guy this year. Normally I have the tent to myself. We started having deep conversations in the morning because we were the only ones up. We talked about relationships. He came with me cottaging so we talked about relationships up there and did have more conversations. I shared my experiences with my ex and being that I was talking to a guy, he gave me a different perspective on my ex's behaviour that most of my female friends didn't provide, probably because we are female.

I hadn't thought much of my ex but it got me thinking a bit. Maybe I was harsh but I was really hurt by everything and how everyone treated me cruelly. My behaviour is justified in my mind. I ended up sending an email to my ex saying that I went camping and it brought back positive memories. This was last week and obviously I didn't hear back from him.

My intention wasn't to get back with him. After I sent it and didn't hear back right away like when I recontacted him after running into him at Menchies, I started to regret it. I thought he was an asshole and why do I keep being the good person, trying to make amends? He just ignores me and doesn't deal with the issues. He probably is in a relationship with aimee, why make myself the fool?

I don't think it would work out. I want marriage and a family and he's not officially divorced even though he is not remotely involved with his ex, other than in dealing with his son. It would have been nice to be on speaking terms, but I was not sure if I'd want to be friends. My trust in him was shattered.

I guess it really is over, friendship and all and in a way it's sad.

I know when I was in a long distance thing with someone, we had this same on/off dynamic that I had with my ex and I am not sure why this happens. I'm not sure if it means I'm with the wrong person and just sticking around for attraction purposes or if I need to improve my communication and relationship skills. Maybe instead of breaking up, I need to just step back? I don't know what it is yet but we'll see what happens when I get into another relationship.

My Review of Poopourri

2014-08-27T16:54:00.001-04:00

Greetings all,

I saw this ad on Youtube a while ago for a toilet spray called Poopourri. Basically you spray the toilet bowl surface before you poo and it prevents odors from occurring. I have been meaning to try it and this weekend bought online one for my house and for my parent's as I currently am in town visiting them.

We got our order today and I tried it and it worked. My mom got the Lavender and Vanilla scent. I got Sh*ttin' Pretty which is a blend of rose, jasmine and citrus. I'm not too crazy about the scent of my mother's Poopouri but she likes it. She actually didn't want any scents with fruits as many of them had fruit scents like No. 2 which is a blend of berries and peaches. I don't know what my mother has against fruit smells, but whatever!

Here's the video of the product

Waiting for Python

2014-08-27T16:48:00.001-04:00

Greetings all,

I wrote my deferred python exam back on August 13 and still haven't received my grades. Apparently other students have received their grade. I think my grade hasn't been calculated because I wrote a deferral exam. I hope I get a good mark. The class average was C+ which is 65-69%. I think I did good on the exam. I gave myself about a month to prepare for the final exam and my friend Henry was helping me and answering my questions about the material since he self taught himself C++

I also am enrolled with Accessibility Services and so get special accommodations for writing tests and exams because I have test anxiety. I get very nervous and I was seeing a counsellor for my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) a few times in the winter. I was recommended to enroll by an Academic Adviser in my College. I get a bit of extra time but also I have the option of writing the test in a private room or in a cubical. I went with a private room. It was stuffy but I think it was because of the weather. Overall I liked using the room and felt it made me less anxious. I find when I am in the exam hallway waiting to write the exam, I get really anxious and all the noise is upsetting to me because there will be hundreds of students in the hall waiting as well to write the test. I like arriving early for things but that doesn't help me much.

I've been struggling with writing tests and exams and I think some of it has to do with having test anxiety. I know in high school I was always in a state of anxiety and I didn't realize it until I was older. Also at the time, we didn't have any special accommodations for people with test anxiety. It's surprising how allowing some students privacy and extra time can make them feel better and relieve the suffering that comes with writing tests.

I Miss Having a Boyfriend

2014-08-27T16:38:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

A couple of weeks ago I was dreaming about my ex. We didn't break up on happy terms and sometimes I find I pine for him. When I reflect upon the situation, I really think it boils down to yearning for a boyfriend. I don't think he was a good boyfriend and I think it's over for a reason. It's been well over a year of being single and sometimes it's hard.

Last week I was at Menchie's having frozen yogurt with a male friend and next to us a couple with a young child sat next to us. I really wish I was part of a family and had a devoted husband. It makes me sad sometimes because I don't know if it's in the cards for me. The older I get, the more I think it may not happen to me.

I broke up with my ex because I felt like he was in love with a female friend. What if I was wrong? What if it was just friendship? I still couldn't take him back because I have pride in myself. What if I was right? That would be even worse. Either way, I could never be friends with him. My pride, his crime. Either way a friendship is not possible. I guess that's how my thinking goes.

Anyways, I miss having a boyfriend and have been on a few dates. It's been pretty dry though. I try to be positive about it and hopefully one day the right man will come along.

Fuck You Facebook!

2014-07-20T11:17:00.000-04:00

Greetings all,

About 2 weeks ago, Facebook put my account on hold simply because I was using a nickname and not my full name. This pissed me off greatly that I decided to deactivate my account and I don't miss Facebook at all.

For me, people can search for me if they have my email address. I don't want my full name being posted when I comment on things because I do comment on various social/political sites and on other sites and just want to maintain some privacy.

I feel forcing me to use my name when I don't want to, it a violation of my wanting some privacy so I just decided that I had enough of Facebook.

I used to like it because I was subscribed to some groups that dealt with feminist issues or about economic issues so it was informative. I also was a fan of George Takei since I also like funny posts.

Fuck you Facebook, you are a waste of my time!

A New Man

2014-06-07T17:03:00.001-04:00

Greetings all,

I've been on okcupid for several months and landed 3 dates. It was really tough to get dates and the men weren't interesting. I decided to take a break from that site and maybe a man in real life will show up and actually a new man has entered my life. I am not sure where it will go but he's really upbeat and I find him attractive. We've had a few dates. It's still early but we'll see how it goes.

* * *

I sent my introvert friend a text since I didn't hear from her for over a month. I asked in the text how she was doing since I didn't hear from her in a while. I got no response. I think my ex Mike officially had something to do with this. Probably manipulated her, which isn't fair.

Mike's mom had depression and she ended up being on meds that made her suicidal. She ended up taking on her own life when Mike was in high school. I thought Mike of all people would understand mental health issues. When the introvert friend told me how condescending Mike and aimee were to her and her boyfriend earlier this year when they hung out at Mike's house to play euchre, it made me upset. I know aimee is a catty person because every so often she would make catty remarks towards me. Women do that when they are insecure and feel threatened. I knew she was threatened by me, even though I wasn't a real threat. I was always encouraging her to be a better person and to be conscious of her actions, pretty much how I treat everyone in my life. Every so often she made a catty remark towards me. She was just insecure and so it made her feel better to take me down a notch. It hurt my feelings but it never hurt my self esteem because the self esteem I have built over the years by my spiritual practice cannot be destroyed by petty comments.

I remember one evening Mike, Carolyn (the introvert friend) and I were having pizza at Pizza Hut. She opened up about her mental difficulties and Mike was rather sympathic towards her. I was too because I can understand mental health issues being that I have it in my family and suffer from it as well. If it were aimee instead in my position, I don't think Mike would have been sympathetic at all.

Mike is a very different person around aimee. He was not a nice person. I wasn't surprised when she told me how he treated her that night. He should have known better. It angered me as well that someone with his history would go along with aimee and be mean towards someone who was vulnerable.

I think the fact that she is tossing away this friendship and choosing Mike is not a good choice and I may not want to be her friend again should she chose to contact me. On some level they all know aimee manipulates Mike and does not bring out his best.

I don't know why Mike and aimee feel it was okay to indirectly put someone down like Carolyn. Actually I do know why. They are both insecure and it makes them feel better to act superior over someone vulnerable like Carolyn. It's disgusting. Mike and aimee disgust me and lack basic human respect. It's quite sad that people need to put others down to feel good about themselves but it reveals alot about their character.

* * *

I have gone back to working with the shabad Sopurkh. I have done several disciplines with it and never felt I got anything out of it. It's supposed to be help women uplift men. I was chanting it in the past to help my brother and father because my brother seems to be having life issues and just doesn't seem to get his shit together. My dad has several bad habits, namely watching tv all the time, smoking and not getting exercise since he watches tv all the time. I never felt anything happen. Spirit Voyage has done an 11 day discipline earlier this year and I didn't notice anything or feel anything.

I decided again to work with it because I feel like I want to find the right man and be in love and start a family. I also want to help the men in my family and overall help men in general because I feel like men are so inferior to women in some ways. I also want to be surrounded by better men, especially since the majority of men in the Introvert Social were emotionally immature and dysfunctional.

A few days ago I was starting to feel the energy of this shabad. One night I just chanted it more then usual. I decided to just do 3-5 reps a day instead of the typical 11 repetitions because it takes 30 mins to do that much and I just didn't want to spend 30 mins. I also decided to not do 40 days but just do it for as long as I felt necessary. I think it will be easier to do this longer since I am not required to do so many at once.

I had a couple of dreams earlier this week and one of them was about aimee and my ex Mike. They were together and it just angered me. After I had this dream, I just felt like I didn't care about them anymore. I felt like Mike should have been more honest with me. That's what is important to me. If he's in love with aimee and wants to be in a relationship with her, go for it but he was being dishonest to me about his true feelings because I could tell from his actions he was in love with her. He did anything for her. It doesn't take a genius to figure that he obviously was in love with her. Maybe she was afraid to be with him. I don't know. But there was no need to lie to me about what was going on.

I had another dream about some other guy that now I can't remember. But it was encouraging that I felt some energy while chanting this because I had practiced it for so long with not feeling like anything was going on.

I do feel I am healed now from my experience with Mike and aimee and the Introvert Social. I could care less what these people do with their lives because they are not the kind of people I want in my life. I want people who have good communication skills, who are emotionally mature, open and honest and are confident in who they are and believe in treating people with kindness.

Just because I am an introvert, doesn't mean I shared the same values as these people, even though they themselves were introverts.

Getting Some SNR

2014-05-30T21:55:00.001-04:00

Greetings all,

The ashram where I used to do my Sat Nam Rasayan (SNR), stopped running our biweekly practice I think in the beginning of the year. The woman who started it a couple of years ago when Hari Nam came to Toronto to start teaching us this got the ball rolling and she was leading regular weekly practice sessions. We then started doing it biweekly because she didn't have time to do it every week and we also probably had other things that we wanted to do as well and doing it every Sunday wasn't easy on our personal schedules. Eventually she had back issues so one of our regulars took over. Our group was a small one. It basically was the 3 of us and when this woman got her back issues, it was 2 of us at times. Sometimes we would have a couple of people show up once or twice but we never really seemed to get a crowd going. We were starting to get one woman as a regular but then it ended up getting cancelled because I think some other woman was taking over for the woman that was substituting.

As well for me, I wasn't able to go as much and my participation in it dwindled this year. I usually try to visit my family every other week or every 3 weeks and sometimes I was too busy with school. At one point, I did feel like it would be nice to have a break but now that it's not running regularly, I miss it and I definitely miss the community, even if it was just a couple of us.

My Sat Nam Rasayan practice was important to me and it really helped me get better at meditation and helped me to become less reactive and more neutral. I was also not able to attend workshops since they would run 3 times a year and have been on Tuesdays. I've been having classes on Tuesdays for the most part so it made it difficult for me.

I was quite happy to go to this workshop because I haven't seen the instructor Hari Nam in over a year or 2. I remarked to one of the regulars at SNR that he has a really strong energy. We were having a conversation about people's energy and I wondered about my own energy impact on others because sometimes I am around people whose energy I do not like and wondered if they had that awareness of their own energy.

It's usually uncommon for me to meet people who have strong energies and he has a nice energy. Although I think personally, having an energy that feels good, doesn't mean the person is good. I liked my ex's energy but he was not a good person. Another woman who ran a meetup group had energy I liked. I didn't know her well but she sent out emails to members about her own sexual abuse and she seemed really like someone with emotional issues. I'm not here to judge someone's personal life but I didn't feel it was appropriate to send out some mass email like that. I didn't know her well enough. I can understand wanting to open up to people whom you were closer to or to people in person.

Anyways, my point is that good energy doesn't mean the person is a good person or emotionally stable like these 2 people I mentioned.

We ended up doing 2 meditations and did lots of partner work. He had us focus on a variety of things but the focus was different from other sessions. He wanted us to focus on our partner's self awareness and inner perception and their insecurity. He also wanted us to say who we were in conflict with and I guess the healer doesn't have to know the person but relates to the feelings associated with that person when the patient thinks about them. We did 2 rounds of this. I first thought of my brother. I seem to be in conflict with him and he is just very difficult to get along with. On the 2nd round, I thought of my ex and said 'ex'. Hari Nam said we can say boss or ex or coworker if we didn't want to give a name. When I said ex, I also thought of aimee. I guess when I think of my conflict with my ex, I can't help but think of aimee. She was definitely part of the problem and enjoyed manipulating him and in a way turning him against me, although I don't know if that's what she was intending. Her intention simply could have been to use him and causing a rift between us was a by-product. But I'll never really know. I don't know if I'll ever get over the feeling of betrayal but I probably will. It's been over a year anyways but when people betray you like those my ex and aimee, it can take a very long time to heal from those wounds. Those wounds were pretty deep.

Overall I found the partner work was interesting and different from previous sessions we've done. A lot of sickness I think can stem from a person having a faulty perception of themself or of being insecure and not feeling good about who they are. I would never thing to feel someone based on that perspective. Basically it seemed like it was about opening up ourselves to how a person feels themself, which I think would be a really powerful thing if one gets good at it.

I can pick up on certain things about people and I do feel I can hone my feeling ability with this practice.

I was pretty tired this morning and I do feel a bit out of it.

The meditations we did were ones he taught us before but I definitely felt like I got something out of this workshop even if the meditations were the same. We also had a lot of new people as well. We didn't have time to do another meditation he mentioned that was good to practice and it was a meditation called Meditation for the Intuitive Intellect. I remember that he taught us this meditation before and I will do a 40 day practice with this meditation. He said yesterday it was a good meditation and a way to know things. I want to know things, so I thought I will try this.

The other strange thing that occurred was about a few days before this workshop, I started feeling weird. I knew my period was coming and I was feeling more irritable and emotional. I ended getting my period as well but was also crying a lot and feeling very emotional. I wasn't sure what was going on because as I mentioned before, I was chanting alot of the mantra, Har Singh Nar Singh and wondered if that was clearing up stuff because I felt so drawn to it. Normally when I get my period, I am not that moody. Sometimes I have been but I wondered if that catharsis was related to my chanting.

My SNR friend said that it was probably related to this workshop. On some level, I was probably preparing for this workshop and clearing up stuff. She said when Hari Nam worked on her, the week leading up to her private session, she felt irritable and he was like 'okay'. I don't know if that's true but it certainly defies a lot of things I have come to believe. Like how is that possible? Who's bringing this stuff up for emotional release? Am I part of the SNR chain because of my past experience practicing so this is how I am energetically connected?

It was odd. I don't know what was going on emotionally with me and it may take me a few days to process this week and what I've been through.

Gone?

2014-05-26T15:28:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

I haven't heard from my introvert friend after she brought up how my ex was all pissed off at her about what I wrote on my blog about him. I wonder if it's because he bullied her into no longer associating with me. Or she's going through another depressive phase and feeling unsocial.

It's been a few weeks and I wonder if he forwarded her my email about warning him not to stalk me online anymore. I had a feeling he was and the fact that she verified shouldn't be held against her.

I honestly have to say, this was by far the worst breakup I ever had. Even when things ended with my eharmony british interest, I was deeply heart broken but I didn't lose my 'friends'. I never had an ex have my 'friends' all turn on me and take his side. I never had a guy cheat on me and deny it the way he did. His behaviour was ridiculous. I never had a group ignore my efforts in helping make the group succeed.

One boyfriend, 3 traumatizing ways to damage me. Never had that happen.

Yesterday I actually felt grateful I am no longer with him. Maybe my heart will heal from the abuse I experienced.

Har Singh Nar Singh

2014-05-25T14:59:00.000-04:00

Greetings all,

These past few days I have been listening to Nirinjan Kaur's Har Singh Nar Singh mantra and I feel hungry for it. I've had a few times where I just want to listen to a particular mantra. I usually don't know why but I have had a few times in my spiritual practices these days where all I want to do is hear the mantra and really immerse myself in the sound. I am having that moment again with this mantra. I don't know why but I will go with it. I am not sure if I should do a 40 day discipline or just write down when I started doing this and see how long it lasts for.

I like it and it feels good. According to Spirit Voyage's Mantrapedia, this mantra is for making one a conqueror of evil and that it works on the evolution of energy, and the strength of the masculine energy.

Maybe it's related to the issues I had with the Introvert group. Aimee was a rather evil person and perhaps this is protecting me from the negative energy of that group.

http://www.spiritvoyage.com/mantra/Har-Singh-Nar-Singh/MAN-000048.aspx

Song for the Ex

2014-05-23T22:18:00.003-04:00

Greetings all,

I was listening to this song on the way home from the casino with my mom and I thought, this song probably best represents how I feel about my ex. Obviously some of the lines are not relevant. He never said he loved me. He claimed he never cheated on me but he was definitely emotionally in love with another woman and was loyal to her and clearly was in love with her as he defended her when I complained about her because she betrayed me and disrespected the work I did for her group as an organizer.

One key line from the line that I think was important is "Should have picked honesty then you may not have blown it."

And another relevant line, "Now there's just no chance, for you and me, there'll never be (No chance, you and me). And don't it make you sad about it.".

I also like the line, "Bridges were burned, now it's your turn to cry me a river.". So cry me a river dear ex!

The Aimee and Mike Chronicles: The Birthday Episode

2014-05-19T20:50:00.002-04:00

Greetings all,

aimee never did anything nice for mike. Like ever. I wrote how he made me feel bad about not helping him move but aimee didn't help him out either. Where was she when he moved? God forbid she do something nice and help him out considering all he's done for her. But it doesn't matter because mike is aimee's bitch and he will gladly obey her like the little dog that he is. I'm sure he never made her feel bad and even though he spent a lot of time guilt tripping me in our relationship, I'm sure he never once made her feel bad, even though there were plenty of times she didn't help out or contribute when she should have.

Now to our episode...

Mike and Aimee are sitting in Mike's kitchen. Mike is not sure how to approach Aimee on this subject. Her eyes are glazed over. Mike knows that's his cue to amuse her and tell some jokes and insult people in the inner Introvert Social circle but now that he has a new girlfriend, the Mighty Introvert Social Leader, how does he bring up the fact that his birthday is coming up and he wants her to do something.

Mike: Ummm Aimee...
Aimee's eyes go into a deep state of extreme glaze. She lets out a sigh.
Mike: Damn it, I'm sorry to bother really but if it's not too much of an inconvenience for you, I'd like for you to do something special for me on my birthday.

Aimee lets out another sigh.

Mike knows this means she's not going to do anything nice for him. She has never done anything nice for him, in spite of all his efforts to please this unpleaseable sociopath. He remembers a birthday 2 years when he was dating Paula, a very well loved Assistant Organizer in the Introvert Social whom Aimee was deeply envious of and was also deeply threatened by her effortlessness Awesomeness.

He recalls how his beloved Vice President was hosting a potluck at his house in Vaughan. Everyone was to bring a food item. His amazing girlfriend at the time made the most delicious chocolate cake. From scratch no less. It was a stressful day for Mike because he had to pick up everyone even though he ignored the common sense approach his girlfriend suggested. Have everyone meet at the subway stop by his place. He spent over an hour picking up everyone as people were spread all over Toronto and then he had to drive to Vaughan, another hour. His cake melted significantly by the time they got to Vaughan because his wonderful girlfriend was living in Hamilton and had to drive for an hour. Common sense would dictate that a cake should not be left in a car for 3 hours. But alas Mike was not known for his common sense. He eventually betrayed this amazing Paula to be with Aimee, perhaps the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends. Most men would dump her after 2 months of dating but because Mike was Mr. Relationship, he could endure her selfishness. He could endure being her slave. He could endure the cold hearted Aimee Buxton, the woman who no human liked.

Everyone brought a food item. Even the Beloved Introvert Retard David. But not the Mighty Introvert Leader Aimee. For to bring food to a potluck would be 'beneath' her. She was the Queen and Mike was her minion. To do something nice for him or for anyone for that matter, would imply she was their equal and she would not have that. She must be superior to everyone even though she offers nothing. All her past boyfriends realized this and were able to break free from her tyranny of enslavement but poor Mike was blinded by her...well by her blandness.

Mike reflected on this time and thought how wonderful Aimee is anyways. She shouldn't have to contribute to a potluck like everyone else because well...she's Aimee, the Mighty Introvert Social Leader whom all must obey and serve without question! If anything Mike realized he should have made her a cake for his birthday. She must be served no matter if it was his special day. His special day is not nearly as important as serving the Mighty Introvert Leader.

Mike snapped back to the present moment and got Aimee some tea. She had her elbows on the table and her head resting on her hand. This was her signal to Mike to get her tea and she had quickly conditioned him to obey this unspoken command, like all the other tricks she has taught him on how to serve her. For Mike was like a dog and he was so easily trained. The sad part was that his previous girlfriend never trained him because she wasn't a manipulator like Aimee, however he was horribly abusive and unkind to her. Perhaps Mike needed to be trained like a dog because now he acts like the ideal boyfriend, although to the wrong woman.

Mike got Aimee some tea and she went back to her natural eyes glazed over state. He knew she was content. For now.

Mike went to think about last year's birthday celebration. Another organizer from the Introvert Social organized a talent show for him. Aimee got all the credit as usual even though she didn't lift a finger. The assistant organizer is also one of Aimee's slaves. He recalled how the talent show became organized.

At a Tim Horton's, Bishop, Carlos, Aimee and Mike were enjoying some coffee. Mike brings up that his birthday is coming.

Aimee lets out a sigh. Her eyes glaze over.

Bishop: I'll organize a talent show for you and we'll have introverts from the Introvert group perform and amuse you. But I'll do the work and Aimee, you will get the glory for it. You are amazing Aimee, how did you think of this? I can't wait to serve you and obey you and not receive any appreciation for my work. I love being stressed for you while you sit back and have us all run around to cater you.

Mike: You're the best Aimee. Bishop will do all the work and you will do nothing but you're still the best because you're letting us use the Introvert group, even though I make fun of these introverts all the time. They are so scared half the time but they will entertain me and we will laugh at how they try so hard to amuse us. You've given me a great gift Aimee. For once I will be your equal and we will look down at all these talentless introverts and feel superior to them because they are taking a risk and being vulnerable while we can sit back and judge them and laugh if they suck. Thank you so kindly. You are deeply wise.

Aimee sighs and looks away.

Mike: Oh I'm sorry. Yes no problem Aimee. I will not sit with you. I know you don't want the other introverts not part of our inner circle to know we are friends. I will just sit at a separate table and watch all the men come up to you to say hello and see you ruthlessly ignore them and reject them. I will see you at your best, hurting people and being superior to them. Your beauty is mediocre but your cold heart and cruel nature is one that needs to be admired and respected.

Mike is awakened by this flashback by another sigh from Aimee. He realizes he needs to get to work and prepare her dinner. The Mighty Introvert Social Leader cannot wait to be served. Mike decides again to ask her about his birthday.

Mike gets down on his knees and begins to sob.

Mike: Aimee please, please, please do something nice for me for my birthday! I am your slave but even slaves need some kindness shown to them.

Aimee just looks at Mike.

Aimee: Meh
Mike: Sorry Aimee. You're right. A slave like me doesn't deserve kindness from you. I should not asked. It was rude of me. I'm sorry.

Mike went back to cooking Aimee a very delicious chinese dish. He would do this on occasion for his ex girlfriend Paula, who would reward him with kisses and cuddles but for Aimee, Mike's reward will be to take Aimee home after the meal is done and clean up the dishes.

Dealing with Loneliness

2014-05-15T22:22:00.000-04:00

Greetings all,

This past week has been intense for me emotionally. I have been feeling really lonely. Part of it is because I am still trying to make new friends since I lost the ones I thought I had last year but also because I have been single for a year and haven't really had much male prospects.

I googled a bit on it and really just wanted to rid myself of this awful feeling. The thing too is that because I felt alone, I wanted to withdraw more from people, which is probably the opposite of what I should be doing.

I am feeling better now and have continued with my qigong practice. I also did some chanting and for now, I am 'over it'.

I haven't had much of a chance to talk about my spiritual practice but I stopped doing kundalini yoga last year. I did not complete my sadhana goal of 1000 days of Bound Lotus. I basically stopped at around 6 months. That was the longest consecutive discipline I did. I don't know why I stopped but I did and I was a little disappointed but I felt I had enough with it.

I also started doing qigong again, although I was learning from a new teacher. I was studying Master Teresa. She did a few sessions where she just did energy work and I was able to attend one and the next day I felt it cleared out some emotional stuff and it motivated to go back to learning qigong. This form she teaches is different from the other forms and I feel it is more gentle and subtle than the other styles I learned. I have learned set I of tai chi shibashi and a wild goose style. I got a whole bunch of videos years ago on the wild goose form.

I am currently practicing set II of the tai chi shibashi but have also learned from Master Teresa, Level 1-3. I am primarily doing level 1 and 2. We got dvds so it enables us to practice at home so I am alternating between the different sets for variety, but I find Level 1 by Master Teresa is more powerful. I feel more relaxed and it makes me feel happier. There have been a few times where it cleared out stuff and I was rather down but after a few days I felt good again.

I am not sure if my loneliness that I experienced was related to that. I got some reiki done last week and I didn't feel good after it for about a week. A friend of mine had said sometimes when we are doing this energy work, it can get worse before it gets better.

I think I am tired of being single, but it's not like I am not trying. I am on okcupid but I find it hard to find dates. I also was thinking of getting a match.com account but that costs money. I had reiki done last summer and the woman I knew her from a meetup group she used to run, said that I am energetically connected to a man so it's just a matter of divine timing. I trust her as I met another woman who was part of the spiritual arts and ran her own meetup group, but she was evil. This woman I feel I can trust her. I hope she is right but I wonder when will it happen? I already find being single for a year is too long and now I wonder if I'll ever find someone. Now that I've been single for so long, it makes me wonder if I can make it work with someone because now I am just more self absorbed and only think of myself and what I want.

I think it's hard to be single too because you start wondering why men online aren't approaching me. I think I have a good profile and look attractive. I think I'm pretty awesome and just don't understand why I'm not getting enough interest.

Maybe I'll be single for another year. I'm busy with school but that doesn't mean I can't make the time for a relationship. I still think I can find a man that is supportive of my education and the time required to pursue it. I know my last boyfriend was an unsupportive jerk but I'm sure there are better men out there that can manage not always having their girlfriend around.

Anyways, I hope I find someone soon. Too many people I know are getting married and I am feeling left behind. I am a good person and have lots of love to give and it would be a shame to not have someone to share my life with.

Fatigue and My Menstrual Cycle

2014-05-10T08:35:00.001-04:00

Greetings all,

I'll be talking a bit about my period. Don't worry, it's not gross or anything but I thought I'd post an issue I was having for several months during my period. I think back in October or September of 2013, I started feeling more tired during my period and some times I was just quite exhausted. I went to see the doctors at school to see what was going on. I had gone to see my previous doctor before and had my iron levels checked out, which seems to be a common issue for women, i.e. low iron.

I was already taking iron during my period as my previous doctor said to so my levels were fine, although for me I want my numbers to be up to 70-90. Last time I had them checked at school, my iron was around 40. Low, but not super low. I think the lowest I had was 16 or something around that.

I've also had my B12 checked out. I've heard it should be over 500 but the way our system works, they consider over 300 (I think), normal. So my B12 was around 300 so 'normal'.

A few months ago I bought this hemp protein at a health food store by my place. In the beginning, I would drink it almost daily and I found that, that helped my energy levels during my period. The problem is that this protein doesn't dissolve like regular protein shakes and so it wasn't the most convenient thing to take. Also the protein bits would get stuck between my teeth. So the next month, I wouldn't take it as often but noticed my energy levels went down when I had my period again.

I had a bottle of Borage oil pills, which contains a fat called GLA (gamma-linolenic acid). I would take them once and a while but last month I decided to take it more consistently, I think every other day. When I last got my period in April, I noticed my energy levels were fine and my period was much lighter (i.e. I was losing less blood). High blood loss can use up a lot of iron so maybe this can help with my iron levels instead of needing to take iron pills.

I bought evening primose oil pills, which also have GLA as well. These 2 products seem to be the best items for containing GLA. I googled GLA and learned that hemp protein contains it as well so this was why I noticed I wasn't fatigued during my period.

What frustrates me is that our medical system doesn't properly help people because when I went to my doctor at school, I asked about getting my fat levels checked out and I think they may have checked out a few but I did read online someone had fatigue and got their GLA checked out and it was low. They were taking lots of fat supplements like omega 3,6 and 9 but that didn't help.

What's the point of having a doctor if they can't figure out what is wrong with your body? I have to figure it out on my own and this is silly. I will probably go back to the doctor and talk about this. I need to know now how much GLA I need. Maybe now I can take a few tablets a week, instead of every other day or every day. I am also not sure if one can have too much GLA in their body so that is something I have to research.

I haven't taken as much GLA this month and maybe I will see more fatigue during my period but at least I know what is causing the issue.

Unfriending

2014-05-07T11:34:00.000-04:00

Greetings all,

I unfriended a couple of people on my facebook. These were people that I met at the Staircase improv but hardly saw them anymore. One of them I dated for about 2 months and he was banned apparently from the Staircase. I was living in Toronto at the time so I actually don't really know why.

I had noticed that a lot of people like to act as posers on the internet. The ones that irk me the most are those who claim to be nerds/geeks when they are not and those that claim to be spiritual when it's just an interest.

For me, these posers irk me the most because these are identities I resonate with and I don't think they are seriously into it. One of the people who was from improv for the past 2 years from what I can tell has become more into spirituality. I don't know her very well but when I first met her and her boyfriend (they are now married), they both struck me as angry people. Even on her facebook page, she comes off as rather angry at times. Being that she is part native and part white (not sure if 1/4 native, etc) but she looks like a white girl and my biggest pet peeve was how 'political' she would get about white privilege and about native issues and how white men stole the land.

This kind of talk to me is useless and frankly does not motivate me to support native issues because it just makes them come off as whiney. The big issue she would bitch about is how white people use native imagery. This is known as native appropriation, which is something many in this community seem angry about. First of all, this is one thing I strongly disagree with because all cultures are borrowing from each other. I'm Italian. We are automatically associated with being in the mafia. There are lots of stereotypes on tv about us but do I get angry? No. I think it's a waste of my time and energy. It's like the natives seem to think they are the only culture that is experiencing this but they personalize this and fail to realize that other cultures experience it as well and are not as offended about it as they are.

I think what angers me most when they get angry over the 'appropriation' is that they don't realize people like the head dresses and feathers because it's cool looking. The native look to me is associated with being a warrior and I think this is why some people invoke it and use it. I see it as a compliment to the native community because we associate strength with that culture. This part native Laura, would post on how people would boycott some clothing designer who did an ad campaign that utilized native attire. So many white people got angry and to me this was all just silliness.

They are getting upset when they don't realize that people's intentions aren't to hurt natives. Then they have the balls to compare it to black face, which it isn't. I think the biggest mistake the native community is getting angry about trivial issues, which is what I see this whole appropriation nonsense as. They also get upset over the sports teams logos and forget that most people don't give a shit about sports!

I would rather talk about meaningful issues. Like the poverty issue they face. Not this superficial nonsense. How is getting angry over people dressed in feathers going to help elevate their status? Seriously it isn't. I just think for me, it's better to deal with the real issues like the living circumstances and their political rights and health, not these trivialities.

Anyways, this Laura was quite the hypocrite because on one of her 2 facebook accounts, she posted something on encouraging people to buy native fashion wear. Face palm.

She runs her own fitness business doing nia classes and now seems to be branching into native medicine wheels. Again, she is just a white girl who probably had some exposure to the native culture growing up and attended a few pow wows because of her part nativeness but... she grow up in the white man's world and I highly doubt that she immersed herself to the point where she would be qualified to teach people about medicine wheels. Frankly I think that's a huge disservice to the native community. I would rather learn about that from someone who is living the native life, not some white girl who has some exposure to the culture. I can't imagine learning anything deep from her because I just feel she is so superficial and is really more about looking spiritual than actually being spiritual and having a discipline.

As part of her health and wellness business, she labels herself as a spiritual geek. This was what inspired me to write my facebook statuses about people who are geek/nerd posers and spiritual posers. She happens to be both. What makes her a spiritual geek? Because she's read a couple of books? No that doesn't make one a geek. How can you even be a spiritual geek? I just don't get it. I've read lots of Steiner/anthroposophical books and have read many New Age/Spiritual books but I wouldn't even dare call myself a spiritual geek. I mean really?

There are several images of her marketing where she utilizes native imagery and dresses up in the gear but why is it okay for her to do this? She is exploiting her own native history for profit and frankly that's more inappropriate than the white people she bitches about appropriating her 'culture'.

I just felt like this person is so image obsessed but is truly superficial and I wouldn't listen to a word she says. She even has the balls to create memes and quoting herself, or quoting herself on her facebook status. Most of her 'quotes' aren't really inspirational or intelligent or meaningful. It's all just pompous sounding. It's all just BS to make her look and sound spiritual when people like me, who have actual spiritual practices, can tell the inauthenticity.

She has friends that constantly praise her and so her ego eats it up and yet I won't engage in that ass kissing because that's what it is. It's just boosting her ego and not actually making her a better, spiritual person.

I realized a few weeks ago that her husband unfriended me. I was a little hurt because I didn't have much against him but I just thought it was rude to do that. I maybe see him once every few years but still I feel because I go to the Staircase every so often, it's sort of the bond that connects me to these people that I don't get to see often.

I decided to unfriend her as well because the truth is that they are angry, pot smoking people and I frankly had enough of her fake ass 'I'm spiritual and I'm native so I'm super amazing'. I just find her overall arrogant and I notice that some people from that community are arrogant but since I moved to Toronto, it has humbled me and these people are just so small and insignificant but are so convinced of their greatness, when they are just ordinary people.

Anyways, I didn't unfriend her 2 accounts until after I unfriended the ex I dated for 2 months. After my status voicing how I felt about spiritual posers, he made some rude comment about me and I replied back, "when was the last time you talked to me?" No reply. I haven't seen him in probably 6 years and I've changed a lot and have grown as a person and his comment was a way to belittle me, which he is known for doing.

He generally doesn't comment on my posts but the few times he did, it had that same belittling tone. A common issue I had with some members from the Staircase back in the olden days was how belittling some people were to me. I guess I accepted it but as I grew older, I realized it was unnecessary. I already unfriended one person who doesn't go to improv anymore but whom was part of the community and a facebook friend. His name was Ash and he was rather verbally abusive towards me in the sense that he would belittle me. This ex, Craig was good friends with Ash and I'm not surprised. Like attracts like.

Ash was good friends as well with Gary, part native Laura's husband. Again, I would characterize these people as angry and this is why they would belittle me at times. Gary also belittled me at times but not as much as the others. They all think they are super funny and talented but I think they are all deluded.

I emailed Craig saying I was going to unfriend because his behaviour was inappropriate and all he did was reply back LOL. This was pretty much how my email conversation went with Ash when I unfriended him a few years ago and sent a goodbye email. He didn't seem to give a shit that he was being mean and hurtful. Just made it out to be my problem that I felt hurt.

I don't need people like that in my life, even if it's just my facebook life so I unfriended the rest of the toxic people I met from improv.

I remarked on facebook how I was uncomfortable with certain people in improv but never had the courage to voice how they were verbally abusive i.e. their belittling of me. Now that I am older, I won't put up with it but also have been exposed to more different types of people and realize there are better people out there that are funny and not abusive towards others. It's wrong frankly. This experience made me very wary and cautious towards the new people that come out to improv but I notice I don't get this belittling from them. It's frankly not right. I've had to brush off a lot of hurtful things and eventually I realize what they said was wrong. It's not easy to be sensitive and be around people who are toxic. I hope one day they clear their emotional garbage but who knows.

I'm a deeply sensitive person but I don't talk about it and hide it well for the most part but it's there and I need to avoid these types of people. They are nothing but garbage.

I am Rashional

2014-05-07T10:24:00.000-04:00

Greetings all,

I had to take Amoxicillan, an antibiotic when I got my wisdom teeth taken out 2 weeks ago. I ended up getting a rash about a week afterwards. I only had a week's worth of antibiotics and finished them up. I noticed the soles of my feet had a burning sensation and then I experience the runs all day, which for me is rather embarrassing since I have to share my bathroom with my housemate. Then I noticed a rash breaking out on my elbows and the side of my hips. I thought maybe I have bed bugs but I emailed my mom the pics and she said it was a rash. My brother had bed bug bites and she said they didn't look like them.

I also had an intense stomach ache on Sunday night. I went out to see a documentary and in the middle of it, my stomach hurt so bad that I wanted to throw up. I stuck it out to the end and went home. I didn't throw up. I googled what to do and read that you can drink baking soda, which is what I did. I went to bed and woke up fine. Then yesterday I has having the runs again and our toilet wouldn't flush properly so I had to email the owner to fix it. Again, that was embarrassing. Our toilet has been known to not flush properly and of all the times to act up, this was not a good time!

When I started getting the rash, I phoned the pharmacist so I should be fine as what I got was a delayed reaction to the medication and I should be fine after a week. I thought this was ridiculous. I had 2 of my wisdom taken out 10 years ago and I don't remember going through this amount of BS. I am never taking an antibiotic again in my life! I don't know how common amoxicillan reactions are, but I am never taking it again and hopefully I won't need to.

Hopefully this will be the end of my rash, stomach ache, runs.

My Critique of Laughter Yoga

2014-04-30T21:47:00.001-04:00

Greetings all,

I did Laughter Yoga for the first time tonight. It was something I've been meaning to try. Basically you are guided through various activities where you are forcing yourself to laugh. The theory is that your body can't tell the difference between a fake laugh and a real laugh so either way, laughing is good for you. Forcing laughter generates real laughter. For me I didn't find that happening. In my own life yes sometimes forcing a smile makes me smile but I felt this whole one hour was forced so it didn't make me genuinely laugh. It was much too long.

I thought I would like it, but I just found it creepy. I've been doing improv for over 10 years and this laughter yoga had some similarities but it felt very contrived and actually odd. I prefer doing improv over this to laugh and have a good time. We introduced ourselves by saying our name and than laughing. There was one guy who has been tried to be a laughter yoga leader and he was quite the extrovert and overall annoying because he'd be talking back to the instructor. I think he was just being his extroverted self but I felt he was being disruptive. It just didn't jive with me.

There was one guy who also was trained to be a leader and he laughed so much. I think he had a good laugh but it just made me wonder. I forced myself to laugh but at the same time, I felt myself retreating inside my own head. It was just weird!

At the end they have us lie down in a circle where our heads are in the middle and we were to laugh for 10 minutes. I found it hard to laugh that long and probably after 3 minutes, my laughter was so fake and my jaw started to hurt as well because of my wisdom teeth. I think I took a break from the laughing because at that point it was annoying!

One of the games we did was to double high 5 someone and say 'your alright', although at some point I wanted to say 'you're awesome' because that's what I tell myself.

We also played some game where we were mud slinging and than we had to hug each other because the mud covers what we look like and so we are all the same. Again, it seemed really contrived to me.

I don't think I'd want to go back. It wasn't my thing and I prefer improv. Laughter yoga is like the creepy older uncle of Improv. The games aren't really that fun like in improv and it just seems like a lot of forced laughter. At least for me, I'm not a believer in forcing things and I think that takes away from the humour. I feel like I'm in that fake laughter mode and hopefully I'll get out of it. My qigong practice makes me feel good for the most part and I feel pretty happy in life because of it. I don't feel I am repressed. I guess laughter yoga isn't for me. It just was too creepy and I'm definitely one not afraid to step out of my comfort zone so if I find something creepy, it usually is because it is since I am not one that gets creeped out too easily.