One Brick Shy...

Cheese Balls

2012-03-03T05:05:00.002-08:00

My son who is almost 11 can not take his eyes off of this picture of his little sister. He even woke up and said,"show me that picture again!" Just when I thought he was marveling in his sister's adorableness, he said, "Awww, I wish she was little like that again. She was nice back then." He then asked if I bought her those cheese balls, he knew she wanted them but I assured him, she got the cheese balls!

Hip Hoppin'

2012-02-27T04:04:00.002-08:00

I showed up yesterday to take my sister's aerobics class down at The Gym. Being such a pretty Sunday afternoon the class was small, very small but she taught it anyway. She was previewing her cd and I heard some Metallica mixed with Lady Gaga, I heard Nirvana mixed with...something-it sounded like Rockin' Robin, but not in a horrible way, it was actually kinda good. I started to get a burst of energy just from the music so I gave her a few shouts out to get the party started and soon we were movin'. We hopped, we stepped, we lunged, we were burning some calories.

She had us use our weights during intervals and I was sure that the "old lady" weights I had picked up would feel like 20 lbs in a matter of minutes, and I was right. After a few minutes, the music really got good! I heard Nelly which made me want to go grab a band-aid and stick it under my eye because everyone knows, I love me some Nelly. And besides, band aids are much more accessible to me than the platinum gillz.

Next thing I know, I'm doing the snake, the smurf, the butterfly, all kinds of old skool dancin' and so were the other girls. We'd watch the window to make sure no one was there and then we'd break loose, it was very comical but fun at the same time. At one point, she played the song by Eazy E and Johnny Cash, and it was on...

As soon as the window was clear, I really broke down! I mean all of us were "tearin' it up!" ... and it happened. We got caught! Hilarious! A girl was going to get some water at the water fountain and she quickly darted into the bathroom where she probably burst out laughing. Soon after, as expected, several other girls came out to "get water" and it finally got to the point where we JUST DIDN'T CARE anymore. But oh, what fun we had on Hip Hop Sunday!! If we ever do it again, I can almost guarantee you those girls that were watching, will be in there with us! We got quite the workout, burned lots of calories, did weights a good bit and then abs to close out the class. Do you know how many crunches you can do in five minutes? I was about to die. I thought for sure my Cesarean Section scar would pop back open before we finished! Good times at The Gym yesterday, good times.

Continuing Education

2012-02-25T06:10:00.000-08:00

We strive to nurture and expand our children's education outside of the school doors. Today, we work on Home-Ec...

We may be looking to bring in tutors to teach them how to cook...

Toys R Us

2012-02-21T04:27:00.001-08:00

My last outing with the kids in Birmingham...alone...with THEM was a little hectic with appointments and this that and the other...I even looked over once and saw the kids giggling to the man next to us at the red light...the man was giggling too (weird) so I lifted up the dry erase board and found this...

Could have been worse! Who knows how long they'd been holding that up as I drove along, singing/dancing and all along they are drawing lots of attention our way....gotta love 'em. This was a fun trip, we only had shopping to do...and lunch to eat. No appointments, except with Toys 'R Us and we had a great trip!!

We bought Legos...

We ate at my brother and sister-in-laws' restaurant Brother Zeke's and it was fabulous! The corn bread muffins, the sweet potato fries and the squash caserole....I barely had room for the chicken but it was so yummy. They opened this new restaurant up a while back but we've never made it down until yesterday and mannnnnn, I wanna go back. One kid cleaned her plate and EVEN ATE THE BREAD. She doesn't eat bread! One kid took a to-go box home with him and will polish off his bbq stuffed potato today!

We stopped off at a Christian book store and bought some needful things and made it home in time for me to fall out (and doze off) on the sofa...I heard my husband's car door shut and I jumped up, wiped my eyes and pretended to have busy all along. He never knew I was asleep!

The Oscars

2012-02-12T05:51:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures from our Valentines Banquet (for church) titled appropriately Night at The Oscars....So many celebs showed up from Tim McGraw, Hee Haw Gossipers, Ryan Seacrest, the Chipettes, The Supremes, Loretta Lynn.......too many to name!

They are so much fun-nutty-but fun!!! We had a great time!

Ready to Pass Out

2012-01-17T03:55:00.000-08:00

I was absolutely ready to pass out last night. I've been taking sinus/allergy meds for several days now and they always make me sleepy anyway but on top of that, Brooklyn had her little cousin sleep over and keeping up with three kids just wore me out...even though they were "perfect" little angels.

I did approximately 9 loads of laundry yesterday, I washed sheets, blankets, comforters, throw rugs, you name it! By the time ~~7 o'clock~~ bedtime rolled around, I was whipped. I crawled into my fresh, clean, deliciously smelling bed. Snuggled down and got warm, and immediately my entire body simply relaxed and I could feel myself drifting out of this world. I heard a distance and faint call from a child, "Mama." I had just put the child to bed. I'd fed her, made her brush her teeth, use the bathroom, got a sip of water, sat in the bed with her and tickle-scratched her arms til her eyes rolled back in her head. I mean what more can a child need? So I ignored her.

Ahh, I almost felt weightless as I breathed in deeply and smiled at the thought of the upcoming rest. Again I hear, "Mama." I began to get a little irritated because she's beginning to make this a habit...calling me back to tell me something like "We're having pizza at school tomorrow" or something of the like when I am already so comfy in my bed. After being rudely interrupted again, I try to visit back to that relaxing happy place I call my nightly coma when I hear a final, elevated "Mama."

Whew. I exhaled with defeat and flip the covers back and drag myself away from my most favorite, warm spot and go see what this child wants. With no glasses to see with, I squint my eyes from her bedroom door and ask, "What?" She points to her Justin Bieber poster and says, "That's a watch he's wearing."

Perfect.

We've Reached That Point

2012-01-16T17:04:00.000-08:00

Irritated, I ransack the dryer for that final sock. Nothing was left but a couple of washcloths and a towel. I look at the sock basket. The one piled high with socks because ~~it shreds my nerves~~ I'm too lazy to sort through them. I find one similar but not the same. For me or the kids, similar would work just fine but not for the husband, so look at the neat stacks I've already folded and I notice something. In my son's stack, I see a pair of socks that look almost the same, but something is a little different. Oh yeah! One has a gray bottom, the other is just white. There's my final sock. I hold the two socks up and I almost tear up. We've reached that point. Our children are big enough that I can't tell what is mine from my daughter's or my son's from my husband's. It's a sad, sad, day.

Driving to school one day, my son's friend (a classmate that carpools with us) got out her phone and was turning it off as we pulled in the parking lot. My child says, "Gyah, Mama won't let me have a phone til I get to seventh grade!" I tell him that he doesn't even talk on the phone....ever, so all he would use it for is texting and I'll get him one when he leaves the comforts of the elementary school, and heads over the ~~scary~~ high school. I am the ridiculous mother...we've reached that point.

The two kids that used to run around the yard together (all day long), collect worms and frogs ~~just to freak me out~~ and play in the tree house together, now can't play peacefully together for more than fifteen minutes. She's still into her dolls and playing school while he's hunting with a B B gun and looking for firewood. Unfortunately, we've reached that point.

I'm just looking to come out of this alive and with all my limbs. I may have to donate some brain cells as I lose everything from common sense to data that used to be important ~~like my age, weight, and birthday~~.

A Slider

2012-01-01T04:47:00.000-08:00

A child woke before me this morning. That doesn't work for me, so I waited. I could see his flashlight shining through the living room but waited. I heard the bathroom door shut. WHEW! Hopefully he'd go right back to bed during this five o'clock hour. I heard the door open and I held my breath. Not sure why, it's not like he'd know ~~I wanted him to go back to bed and sleep for two hours so I could have time to myself~~, he thought we were all still asleep. But I saw the flashlight again, and then heard a quick pounce as he jumped into the air like a flying squirrel and landed on his mattress. And I waited.

It only took a couple of minutes before I realized I too needed the bathroom. Did I drink a gallon of water before bed? I couldn't wait any longer but how would I get past his open door without him seeing me? I walked without fear through the living room and then paused in the kitchen near his door. I saw his hearing devices on the counter so I knew he couldn't hear me, but he would see my shadow as I passed between the kitchen night-light and his room unless, of course, I crawled. That's exactly what I did and I discovered the best thing ever! How to do a slider.

I'm no stranger to crawling past the children's bedroom doors to keep then in bed ~~where they belong~~ but a slider is so much easier and faster. Normally I take slow, deliberate advances so there's minimal bruising to the shins and it gives my knees a chance to pop instead of break in two. But today, I looked down and I had on the perfect outfit for a slider...my new fluffy pajama pants I got for Christmas.

I could hear the child sniff, so I knew he was awake. I placed my nervous palms down on the linoleum and took a deep breath. I counted down, three, two, one and with one quick pull I was sliding fast across the floor. My bum caught on the threshold up ahead ~~OUCH~~ and I was in the clear. I pulled myself up with the refrigerator as my crutch and walked to the restroom as if that never happened. The only problem was could I pull it off twice? I chuckled to myself at the thought of my husband coming out to "catch me" in action but it was well worth the risk.

I had to get back, the coffee and computer was on the other side. I placed my back against the large cold appliance that had just helped me up and waited. It was gonna be harder getting back than it was going, there was the threshold and less space! This time, instead of placing my hands outward, I had to stretch out a leg. I was gonna have to spider across instead of slide. That's okay. I can "spider" I think to myself. And I did just that. I hunkered down and as quick as an adult human spider with four legs can go, I went. Whew! I rewarded myself with a cup of coffee and sat at the computer. I was home free. Five minutes later, I saw the flashlight and he came in the room and smiled at me, he smelled coffee. Perfect.

8 Years Ago

2011-12-26T03:52:00.000-08:00

Eight years ago today I kept a promise. I promised not to mess up my doctor's Christmas if he'd, in return, GET HER OUT the morning after. On this day 8 years ago, I walked ~~in pain~~ into that hospital, admitted myself for surgery, and waited impatiently. The nurses took good care of me and when the doctor came in to tell me an emergency was going in ahead of me, I rolled my eyes but politely said not a word. I needed this kid out. I sat on the bed with a catheter in place and awaited my turn.

Finally, they came to get me. I sat myself up on that table and I shook uncontrollably in full body convulsions. A spinal was administered that felt like an electric current running down the right side of my body, and I jerked. Oops, but they finally got it in and it all began. With a big blue curtain now splattered with my own blood hiding my view I hear, "Hey! You can't cry, you're not even born yet!!" But she cried anyway because she is my B. She is strong, powerful, and stubborn. If you tell her she can't, she will. She's a writer and a fighter, she's a hug with some love.

Happy 8th Birthday my B! I love you!

Less than a minute

2011-12-14T03:26:00.000-08:00

Never been in a play, never wanted to be in a play. However, one of my best friends needed me to fill a part for our church play she was directing, and I did it for her, because she needed me.

I only had like two lines, if you don't count all the screaming. I figured I could handle it no problem...and the screaming, with two hearing impaired kids, I've gotten REALLY good at that over the years! My character was a shopper. In real life, I despise shopping. So I had to totally get out of myself to play this role, which thrilled the hidden actress inside me. I wore my best flashy attire but had to still remain appropriate for church. I asked one of the other actresses, I mean my friend who was a shopper too, "Do you have any shopping bags for props? Mine all say Wal Mart, and for once I don't wanna shop at Wal Mart." She came through like a champ and we were all set.

She and I actually were hypocrites. We claimed to go church and do all good things but we were rude to a homeless man who wanted change and we brushed off some girls who offered us crosses while out and about. So for that, and apparently we weren't actually Saved either, we were going to Hell, we just didn't know it yet.

Now during rehearsal the Demons that came and took us away got kinda rough. One pushed and shoved me and over the course of November practices, I came to realize, they enjoyed pushing and shoving us. I ~~tattle-taled to~~ told my husband but then he joined the Demons and said if I needed extra practice at home he'd be glad to play the Demon role for me but I declined ~~when I figured out he just wanted to shove me too~~.

So on the night of the play, I was prepared. I had practiced some kicking and fighting moves in my heels that I hoped would ~~pay them back for the bruise on my arm~~ look real and like I really was scared. When it came to our Judgement and we were not accepted into Heaven with the others, they came for us. I argued that I should go to Heaven instead but they wrapped their demon hands around my arm and began pulling me towards ~~the black curtain~~ Hell. I belted out a scream ~~that sounded more like someone was trying to make me go on a ferris wheel~~. I tried not to laugh at my pathetic scream because I knew who was under the black hooded capes, I smile at them during church service but I had a job to do. The whole time they are pulling me closer and closer to Hell, I'm wondering if I've sufficiently embarrassed my husband enough yet, so I let out one last wretched cry just to be sure.

And just like that, it was over. We all went back up on stage and sang one last song. For less than a minute, I was an actress. I went back home, peeled off my fake eyelashes, washed off the three inches of make-up and returned to being me. I can't wait 'til next year. These people take their acting very seriously so I'll have to step up my game!

Top 5 Things I Learned From MTV

2011-11-29T04:25:00.000-08:00

A high school student suggested I watch MTV in the early morning hours if I wanted to see videos. I was subbing for a class yesterday and somehow the subject of music came up and I stated my disappointment with MTV and how they rarely showed actual videos anymore...so at 6 a.m. I turned it on and this is the top 5 things I learned...

Some bars have baby pools instead of a dance floor filled with unknown substances (I am gagging) and fighting girls. I'm still not clear why the baby pool is actually needed...?
Even I need closed captioning for many rap songs...and I ALMOST have my degree in Rap!
Gold chains will never go out of style...I wish we had not taken my husband's old rope chain to the pawn shop that bought all of our gold years ago...he would still be so cool !
Lil Jon has a small vocabulary. In fact, other than "Yeah-a" and one or two other two-syllable words, he's pretty quiet. I would love work as his translator. I think it would be awesome...he could get crunk, pop bottles and all sorts of things while I translate to soccer moms what he's talking about. Pretty soon, we'd all be wearing dreads and constantly say "OK!" and "What!"
Women look awesome in swim suits and short yellow furs. Beyonce proves it in her latest video. I never knew a one piece swim suit paired with a fur of all things would look hot. Trust me, if you don't try this, you will not be hip with the latest fashion trend! I wonder if it will have the same effect if I wear a trench coat with mine?

The Slapper

2011-11-22T06:41:00.000-08:00

7:09

That's what time I woke up this morning. In my world, this is as INSANITY...but I was out late last night. I mean, I didn't even get home until like 9:00. It had been dark for hours when we left a university we'd been visiting, and one child was teetering between this world and a dream phase as she rested her head on a our jackets.

On the way home, my son was mesmerized by all the lights, cities had on display...who knew? We are rarely out after dark! He was amazed by the street lights, the headlights, everything that darkness brought. Several towns already had Christmas decor hanging from the posts.

I did great driving. I had GPS technology pointing me in the right direction. Once I got within 30 miles of home, I started to turn it off, because I knew exactly where I was but I left it on thinking it would entertain the kids. I've traveled this road a thousand times and I saw our Exit up ahead. I took the exit and when I got to the end of the short uphill ramp, I put on my blinker. I looked at the GPS who had been correct the entire trip and it wanted me to go in the opposite direction. "Huh, look! The GPS wants me to turn that way! How weird." I began to make my turn in the direction I knew was home, and I hear a backseat driver (aka, my mother) "Hey! Where are you going?"

I was just crazy, not used to driving in the dark, and I was about to take us in the opposite direction. For once, I was thankful for backseat drivers! I would have eventually figured it out I guess but I just shouldn't be allowed out after dark...at least not more than 15 miles from home.

I might even need to borrow my son's latest invention, the Sock Slapper. He says to use the sock slapper on people who need a good slappin'.

Now, it's 8:30 a.m. the morning after, and I've not gotten dressed, I'm still drinking coffee and have no intentions of doing much of anything today...and I kinda like it. About an hour before my husband gets home from work, I'll likely jump in the shower, put on make-up, light a candle so the house smells clean, and pretend I've actually been productive today...I love Fall Break from school...and this is pretty much gonna describe my week...I hope.

Please Come Rap

2011-11-14T14:07:00.000-08:00

Wow, I've been spending so much time over at the high school, I forgot what it was like to be booked up at the elementary school for a change. I was sad that I can't help the PTO with Auburn/Alabama store which is held on Friday...because I love my PTO peeps, but I'll be teaching. Now they know that I always find some way, even if it's only 30 minutes or so while my class is at recess, to try and contribute some time. But I got a different request for today...and I was excited!!

The PTO President called me one day last week and asked if I could rap on Monday! Yeah, ME!! I knew I was kinda booked up already but I felt a little light headed with the excitement and before I knew it I said, "Of course I can!" She then told me that it was BYOS (bring your own scissors) but I barely heard her because I had Beastie Boys, Nelly, 2Pac, all rhyming in my head with the anticipation. After I had time to recall the conversation later very repetitively ~~as any good girl with OCD would do~~, I wondered why the heck I needed scissors? All I could think of was "I will cut you!"

But whatever, I had some rappin' to do, so I found scissors so they'd let me in. I couldn't decide what I should wear...high tops? thick gold chains? a grill?

I wasn't sure what they would request to hear so I quickly brushed up on some Run DMC...

"One day when I was chillin' in Kentucky Fried Chicken...
just mindin' my business, eatin' food and finga lickin' ...
This dude walks up lookin' strange and kinda funny...
Went up to the front, with a menu and his money..."

I ran through a few Nelly songs, whipped out Salt n Pepa...I was getting so excited with every mile I traveled. I tilted my hat to the side, pulled my pants down about seven inches so my boxers would show, and I walked inside. I exagerated a limp, and I finally made it to the PTO room.

The blood ran out of my face when I saw the President there, with wrapping paper...she was ready to WRAP! My heart is so sad tonight, I was so close! Next time Lady, be sure you spell out what you are asking...some of us get confused! lol

Listening Therapy for Men

2011-11-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

Some you know my children are deaf and learned to LISTEN and SPEAK with a specific type of therapy called Auditory Verbal Therapy or AVT. We spent countless hours a day hiding our speech from the children behind toys, behind hands, behind anything we could as if we had a really ugly sore on our mouths and we were on a first date or something. This just forced them to use their cochlear implants to hear what were saying rather than reading our lips.

Now, what you may not be aware of, that this specific therapy focuses on listening abilities first. If the child learns to listen well, they'll pick up speech easier. Several of these methods can help marriages also. If your spouse is having trouble hearing any of the following, you may consider some AVT. Here's some advice.

Your spouse has trouble hearing/understanding 2 or 3 step commands such as "Take out the trash and put a clean bag in please." Take it back a notch but supervise. If your spouse can hear the command "take out the trash" but fails to put a new bag in the can, hold up two fingers so he knows he has two tasks. Give the instructions slowly, clearly and remain near the site where instructions were given until he returns from throwing the trash away. At this point remove one digit from your hand (it's never appropriate to use the middle finger alone!) and show him he still has one task left. When he gets the new liner and places it correctly in the can, jump and cheer and give that man a big hug. He CAN follow 2 step commands. Eventually you should be able to remove yourself from the instruction phase and this task should become natural for him.
If you husband has trouble hearing different tones in your voice...For example, he asks what you want for your birthday and you...(pause) and begin your usual answer so full of sacrifice, so full of pain left over from the last giftless b'day "Oh, that's okay, I don't need anything." Let's say he only hears the words that you are saying not the desperation in your voice that you haven't had a gift from him in over 10 years. This can be a real problem. Take it back a notch and give him more direct instructions. Don't confuse him by expecting him to hear your tones and read your mind. Leave him no room for confusion. You may say, "I don't care if you give me a day to myself and watch the kids for a while. I've went 10 years doing without so you better make this one GOOD!" If he still gives you nothing, feel free to back step and add in visuals to help him such as evil glances or smaller portions at dinner.
If your man can't hear the children ask for things such as "Will you fix me cereal, I'm hungry, I need you to hand me this..." you need to leave the house for a few hours so he'll have to fix cereal, feed the little people or play games, etc. Some men have the ability to allow dogs barking outside to keep them awake at night but can't even hear their own babies cry in the room next to your's. I suppose it's the difference in pitches. Let your kids cry just a little bit longer so you are SURE the husband is awake. It doesn't mean he'll get up, so if he doesn't, you need to make sure you do this every time the child cries. The baby isn't gonna die from crying, so walk slowly.

I just thought I would share. This type of therapy has really helped us a lot over the years. My kids and husband all hear well now. We have participation from all parties who live here and we all are happier for it.

The problem with pregnant people

2011-11-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

Now, don't take this the wrong way, I've been pregnant twice (years ago). Believe me, I know all about that awkward pregnant stage.

So I go to the gym last week and wouldn't you know it, one of the new instructors has turned up pregnant. This was fabulous news for me her. I hope to take full advantage of her condition and breeze through class. She's taken Lady F's classes for years so I'm nervous she's gonna have some type of "out do the Lady" type mentality but I'm hoping her pregnancy will interfere. I saunter up to the owner of the place and ask how the new girl is doing. I wanted details...is she as bad as Lady F? etc. etc. The owner was careful not to turn me against the class ~~by lying~~ by only admitting what she thought I could handle. About the only thing good from that conversation was that the instructor herself felt like she was getting out of breath more easily, so I was told. GREAT! That's all I needed to confidently walk into class.

Well, I knew I was ~~out of shape from skipping almost a month of classes~~ in trouble when Ms Pregs seems to be in a great mood. I had counted on those awful hormones to be encouraging her to just go back to bed but I was out of luck. We bounced around, I ~~pretended to tie my shoe~~ was out of breath for most of the class but I survived.

Today I go back for more ~~torture~~ because of the recent holiday ~~where I ate most of my kids' candy while they were at school~~. I had in mind, I only wanted to burn 300 calories...not 302 or 305, I would put forth an effort until I reached what I felt was 300 calories burned and I'd quit. LOL-what a joke.

I watched my phone as if I was on call for surgery, knowing I'm just a sub teacher and no one was gonna call today. I had seen another one of the subs walking the track so I knew the school had options if they couldn't get me, but I pretended. I stared at my phone hoping it would ring via telepathy...it didn't happen.

I just kept going and going. I wanted to tell ~~the crazy~~ Ms Pregs that she could get off balance easy or trip and fall and break her face if she didn't stop jumping, turning, over-the-top and back over maneuvering on the step...but she would have thought I was trying to get out of working, sweating, moving my large mass beyond what I thought it could do...she'd know I wasn't really looking out for her best interest, only mine.

So that's the problem with pregnant people. In the beginning, they want to keep their weight down, they feel fat even though they aren't even in maternity clothes...they don't care if your back hurts because their's does too, they don't care if you get dizzy when you stand up too fast, because they do too...yet they just keep on going...because they can. Now, I'm going to get in the shower, and take a nap....BECAUSE I CAN. I am old not pregant...and OLD is something she hasn't experienced yet, so she'll just have to trust me on that!

I got whipped by a pregnant lady. Passing out would have been easier, and I almost did...maybe next time...if I don't come up with some other ideas!

The redneck field trip

2011-11-01T03:25:00.000-07:00

My child talks so much she has decided to have 16 kids when she grows up, just so she'll have more people to talk to. As usual, I found her out in the yard the other day...talking to her ~~dolls~~ kids. When I asked her what she was doing with a wheelbarrow, she replied hastily as she tried to balance it with all the kids plus a stroller loaded up..."Uh, we're on a field trip!!!"

How To Avoid a Hangover

2011-10-28T03:40:00.000-07:00

WOW, we had lots of partying going on this past weekend...and I find it very difficult to attend parties that don't begin at 2 p.m. and end by 5 due to ~~being a granny~~ my tedious schedule.

I have learned from experience that ~~most~~ not all parties will fit my schedule. So I've come up with ways to avoid that hangover...and no, it doesn't always require alcohol to have that hung-over feeling the next morning!

Here are the tips that helped me last weekend when I had one all-day festival followed by another party beginning at sundown and ending before midnight that same day...followed by a birthday party and another evening/night festival the very next day...WHEW.

My oldest at The Gym lock-in. They had SO MUCH FUN!! Very organized event and lots to do.

My youngest at the church festival. THEY RODE HORSES, need I say more? Big fun.

They let balloons go that said, "God loves you"

Start your day at 4 a.m. That just fixes everything!
Cook dinner as you cook breakfast so that when one party ends you can run home, eat, and your off to the next event in like one hour's time.
Pack a small lunch cooler with water. We live in the middle of nowhere and my kids only get thirsty in the car when there is no where or time to stop! Using a permanent marker label each water bottle with initials so that there are no transfer of sibling cooties.
Don't sit down. Chances are, you won't get back up. If your back gives out ~~like me~~ you may take small five minute breaks but sit on the edge of the seat so you don't get too comfy.
When you finally get home at midnight, have these already in place. They are cardboard inserts that block out all light from the outside. We shamelessly keep them under the bed and on days like this, we pull them out so the morning sun that we normally love to see, doesn't pull our eyes open until invited.

We are pathetic.

Extreme Flu is Spreading Fast

2011-10-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

I just have to tell you!! My sister just called me, she's been trying to reach me since yesterday and I knew something was wrong. We finally spoke today and she started describing a condition I am all too familiar with.

She described, "I made it out to the car...I was aware that I was there but had no idea who was driving. I finally 'came to' at the red light down the road and realized I was driving." She said she collapsed when she got home and went on to say, "I had to cover up. I was suffering from flu-like symptoms."

I took one look at the aerobic schedule from yesterday and I knew immediately she was suffering from Extreme Flu brought on by Lady F. If you aren't familiar with this "lady" she's sort of like Charles Manson since she thinks it's perfectly okay to cause physical and mental harm to people. She's started working at a big-time hospital recently and she's since her visits are limited now to the gym, she's even more brutal ~~and heartless~~ than before.

I have to admit, I was almost envious of my sister though. I haven't been to the gym in almost a week and haven't had a class in like 2 weeks!! I need to burn some major calories. Ever since I heard about the soon to rise cost in peanut butter, I've been storing it like squirrels do nuts for the winter...only I've been storing it on my hips instead of our pantry! Looks like Lady F has her work cut out for her when I return to one of her classes.

Horror at the Hometown Parade

2011-10-09T05:24:00.000-07:00

We looked forward all day to participating in the hometown parade. Helping coach the youngest of the cheerleaders has been big fun and as we approach the end of our season with only one game left now, the parade was going to be one of the bittersweet final activities of our season.

We had candy, we had our signs, we had lots of tiny girls ready to ride in the parade. Homecoming queens of various sizes were perched atop cool cars, various high school classes had worked hard all week creating floats and the band could be heard throughout the small town. Excited football players and excited fans with adrenaline pumping, had heart rates elevated.

I was curious as to our transportation method since I saw no trucks with trailers saying "C-Team Cheerleaders". I finally asked our Head Coach when she pointed to a firetruck....ABSOLUTE PANIC set in.

Um, I get queasy doing a cartwheel so there's no way I'm climbing onto a very tall vehicle that moves and ~~turns over~~ has no seat belts or safety rails with about 20 squirmy children. My blood pressure (already too high from cold meds) soars to probably near stroke levels when I have no shame in telling her she's insane.

Thinking quick on my feet, I see a way out. There's a couple of girls nearly in tears as she told them they were to ride atop this massive red engine. I immediately told them, "Oh honey, you don't have to ride, Mrs. Blakely will walk with you behind the firetruck." They smiled and I was their hero.

As the girls started going up, one after the other, I saw one scared child who I thought I could count on, go up and find a spot on the firetruck, then another and another. What's wrong with these kids? I thought they were smart, I thought I could count on them. And just like that, I was left alone. Obviously I wasn't gonna walk by myself, there were some crazy 7th graders behind us and I was more scared of them than the height of the truck so after some ~~baby talk~~ coaxing from a fireman, I climbed. It took me four large steps to get up there. Once I up, I couldn't move. I screamed the little girls in a demonic voice, "Quit movin' DON'T MOVE!!"

One scared child had her hand clinched around my collar bone, and that was fine. I was using her for stability as much as she was using me. The sirens roared and we were mobile. My feet were pressed against the side of the truck and nothing moved other than my lungs and my heart. My eyes darted quickly behind dark shades and I'm sure fear was stamped across my face.

As we made our way through the parade, I loosened up enough to wave at a few random people. The girls were throwing candy but I continued to shout, "Sit down, don't move!!" as I never lost complete fear. The parade was over in about 30 seconds since our town is so small but then I faced to worst part of the ride...climbing the massive hill to get back to our starting point. We were moving straight up a hill and our bodies were shifting back. The Head Coach assured me I wasn't gonna drop to my bloody death and we were all safely returned.

That's me next to the yellow arrow holding on for dear life

The girls were fantastic and once I realized it was over and I was OFF the thing, I decided it was actually pretty safe. Our top speed was about 2 mph and I'm kinda glad I manned up and just did it. Whew, two days later, my blood pressure has finally lowered a bit and thank the Lord I didn't know about the whole firetruck thing before I arrived...I likely would have been too sick to attend!!!

Ambulance at My House

2011-10-07T04:44:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like sleep walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night and hear an extremely loud and close ambulance at my house. It was so close in fact I didn't just wake up, I woke in full blown Mama instinct panic save my kids from a fire kind of mode ~~even though it was an ambulance~~. I was standing at my son's door so when I flung his door open I saw lights. It was a darn toy! He is deaf so he never heard it so I simply shut his door and acted as if it didn't happen. I was kind of disappointed I wouldn't be a hero this day.

I've been fighting ~~for my life~~ a man cold. The older I get, the longer my colds last. This is the second full week of sniffles, runny nose, bleeding nose, I can't reach the remote or open the dishwasher and quite frankly, no one here wants to hear it anymore. Looks like I'm gonna have to break down and do some kinda laundry but I'll grunt and grown as if it's breaking every bone in my body to see if I can grab one more day of sympathy. Actually it's my school's PTO Homecoming Spirit Store sale and town parade so I'll attend these events first and then come home and be sick. I've learned from the pro that man colds never interfere with football so I can always be sick after the social events! Today I shall paint red and blue under by eyes to hide my bags and get these kids all fired up for the big game tonight! Woop Woop!

Because I knew...

2011-10-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

I tried to go back to sleep when my husband's alarm woke me at 2:45 this morning. For almost an hour I listened to him get ready for work, I listed to him open cabinet after cabinet as if I had moved all the dishes and he could find nothing...but I didn't get up to help. I kept lying there, hoping I'd drift back off to sleep. I did not. But I didn't get mad, because I knew...

And because I wanted to save him from the grotesque vision of a wife with a cold, I waited until I heard his car backing out of the driveway to get up. It was almost four. With tissues in hand, my runny nose and I went straight to the bathroom. I knew when I looked in the mirror, I had made a good decision by waiting til he left to get out of bed....ugh! But I didn't feel sorry for myself, because I knew...

I started the coffee and read some blogs. I cooked breakfast for the kids and eventually got myself ready for the day. I am an 'on call' substitute teacher so I kinda have to. I took the children to school and raced back home where I began laundry, cleaning the bathroom, even dinner (crock pot). I had "lunch" at 9 and another at 11 (baked potato w/daughter as I paid her a surprise visit @ school) and still no one needed me to sub so I smiled as I pulled back in my driveway, because I knew...

At exactly noon, I drank my Alka-seltzer cold plus and kicked off my shoes. I was about to do something I hadn't done in a long time. I turned the TV on in my bedroom to a movie of no interest and placed my head on my pillow. It wasn't long after that I heard machine guns. I opened my eyes and I knew...

I looked at the clock at it read 12:45, I had just spent the last 45 minutes in a blissful daytime coma, and they are the BEST! Ahh, refreshed and blessed. This may not happen again until 2012 but I enjoyed every peaceful minute.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Part 2

2011-09-23T03:30:00.000-07:00

My husband once worked second shift. I found it hard to fall asleep until he was home safe and sound and often got up during the night to use the restroom just to make sure I could see his car outside.

He didn't necessarily come straight to bed when he got home, he might work on his car, wash his car or sit and watch tv for a couple of hours before winding down for bed. One night, I had a really hard time falling asleep. I just lied on my back staring at the ceiling, hoping to hear his car coming up the road...and I finally did. He pulled into the drive way and I heard his car door close. I never heard him enter the house. I got worried. I imagined someone out there beating him, robbing him, or worse so JUMPED out of bed to go SAVE my husband from danger.

I gently open the back door.
Me: "Chad?"
No answer.
Me: (louder) "Chad?"
Him: (sounding very distant) "Yeah."
Me: (not sure I heard him) "Chad?"
Him: (still distant) "Yeah?"
Me: (trying to get a location on him-I yell louder) "Chad!!"
Him: "I'm in the bed!!"

The cold air from outside woke me and I realize he'd been inside, eaten dinner, showered and already made it to bed...while I had fallen asleep waiting...

I have a blogger friend Rachel who is famous for breaking a nose while sleep walking. Click here to read her very ~~funny~~ interesting story.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

2011-09-23T02:37:00.000-07:00

I have a hidden talent. I do lots of things while ~~unaware~~ I catch up on some ZZZZZZZs.

I'm coming clean here today because last night I ALMOST answered a teacher's call while I was asleep. Sure it was only 9:30 but I'd already been asleep for over an hour. I actually walked into the living room to retrieve this call when apparently my brain heard the phone ringing, it just forgot to wake up. Luckily all I did was pick up the phone without answering and stare at the caller ID. Unfortunately, I've actually answered some calls while dozing! Here is how my last conversation went as I spoke on the phone to someone while asleep.

Me: "Hello"
Brother-in-law: "Is Chad there?"
Me: (in a very LOUD and high pitched voice) "Is Chad there?"
Brother-in-law:(giggling-thinking I'm making fun of him) "Yeah, is Chad there?"
Me: (remaining LOUD and high pitched) "Is Chad there?"
Brother-in-law: (realizing I'm insane) "Is he at the cabin?"
Me: (remaining Loud and high pitched) "Is he at the cabin?"
Brother-in-law: (scared of me now) "Oh, ok...well I'll talk to you later."
Me: (still insane) "Is he at the cabin?"

I hung the phone up and my husband's sweet little sleepy voice wakes me when he questions my conversation. He has since revoked my phone-by-the-bed privileges and we no longer have the ringer turned on in our room. I'm fully aware of what has happened IF someone wakes me, but otherwise, it all becomes a 4-D dream I'll not even realize I've participated in.

So how did I wake up last night? When the phone quit ringing, I put it back down, and went to crawl back into bed. Instead of trying to get back in on my side of the bed, I thought it would be best to creep up the middle.? I placed one hand around my husband's bare ankle. It wasn't so much the contact with bare skin that woke me, it was the way he jumped about four feet. His entire body flew up as if he were Regan from The Exorcist...and THAT is what woke me up!

Because I'm Pimpin'

2011-09-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

I slide into the driver seat of the hot little family sedan I drive. It's cloudy outside but I slip on a pair of large lensed shades with fake diamonds on the side, because I'm pimpin'. I thump my way through the car line and soon I'm one kid down, the other still in tow.

As we make our way down that long road to the urban land, he's working hard on customizing his toy vehicles, while I'm pimpin'. I think to myself, I can't wait til he figures out how hydraulics work, then it's ON !!

I have one hand on the wheel, the other on my right leg so I can tap as needed with the music. It doesn't take long for me to run through Lady GaGa, Adele, and Miranda Lambert...all three of which sound EXACTLY like ME. I switch to one of my favorite hip hop stations where Ludacris is already slangin' some rhymes...and I join him. Before you know it, I'm bouncin' around singing My Chick Bad, My Chick Hood and for a second, I actually think I'm Ludacris, because I'm pimpin'. Is that normal? ~~Most people don't know I bust domes and sit on chromes with some of the baddest rappers around~~! I lose a small sense of reality as we bump our way into Birmingham. My kid has ignored me the whole hour and a half as he's been in deep construction with his latest invention.

We finish our errands soon and head all the way back towards home and I slowly get back into character. With my son by my side, I beat my right leg til it throbbed so I then reached over and began slapping his leg to give mine a rest. The music was good and I had to keep with the beat somehow. The more he tried to convince me that I DO NOT SOUND LIKE BEYONCE, the more I tried to sound like Beyonce "sucks to be you right now"...

I tried a little Ram Jam "Black Betty", I tried REO Speedwagon, AC/DC and Joe Walsh, even the Zac Brown Band and they all ended the same...a pimpin' white mom who thinks she's cool with oversized shades in a car full of toys and booster seats...ugh, if I only had those hydraulics!!

...coming soon to a car near you! And yes, I have been busted by friends in Birmingham before who pulled up beside me during one of my performances, called me on the phone, and we sat there laughing at a red light...

Who is the bigger redneck

2011-09-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

Just to confirm my desires to be a full blown redneck through and through...I issued a challenge to my husband as we walked around the yard, enjoying the various fruits we grew this year. We grew watermelon, grapes, pears, apples, peaches, and muscadines.

As I watched my husband walk around with his CATerpillar cap, his dirty old boots and camo pants, I began to wonder...how does someone actually earn the title "Redneck". Living in the country, it's an elite club that we have only borderline qualities as our qualifications to join. I felt a strong need to step over that fine line of being country, to being redneck.

I've changed my shirt in public at a football game with only a tank top protecting my flesh but you know, when in Rome...

I've shouted double negatives in public on accident and no one even noticed...

My idea of appetizers for parties is Chex mix and salted peanuts, but still something was holding us back from that real label we both desired...REDNECK.

I thought as we both crammed muscadines into our mouths as if they were the absolutes best thing on Earth...which we all know they are...I think I've got it...and I spoke

"Hey!" as we tend to call people, animals, anything alive instead of using proper salutations others may use outside of the rural plantations. Hey is actually polite here. "Wanna see who can spit their seed the farthest?" He looked me up and down ~~as if I didn't have a chance~~ and replied, "You'll lose, this is a man's competition!"

I rolled the seed up to the front of my tongue as we now stood side by side and shot it with every ounce of power I had. He chuckled at my five feet shot and threatened me with a squint of the eye. He rolled the seed around several times in his mouth until he found the proper launching spot. He glanced one last time as if to say, this is how it's done. I watched as his cheeks sunk in as he breathed deep and he blew. The seed when high and far and when it landed, I was defeated. A man's competition. But I won after all, I had just been inducted into the Redneck Hall of Fame. Such a proud day for the Blakelys.