depression

Nights of Terror: Days of Brain Fog

2015-01-29T06:53:00.000-05:00

I am walking down a path that is untrodden. Not much data is known about switching from drugs to a VNS unit. A VNS unit simulates the brain to produce serotonin.

Messing with the levels of serotonin produces anything from terror dreams to deep depression. But the VNS device produces a strong shock directly to the brain. Drugs do it slower. It has been less than a month and I can see some results.

Terror dreams start about a week before a downfall. I am having them all night long now. Dreams of losing abilities such as simple brain functions and inability to do simple tasks such as using a phone to call for help. An inability to get help and foggy brain. As I go along the dreams usually get worse. They involve movement. Now I have a rail on the side of the bed to keep from rolling off and hurting myself.

I have a job to maintain. Terror dreams of the nature above do not seem much. But this is the start. I have a been there before. I want to feel somewhat in control. I will go slowly. I have two doctors on my case now. They have told me that they don't know much either. The company that makes the device no longer has the nurse I was working with in 2008. Not knowing what I am getting into is also frightening. Last time, before two mental hospital stays, I did not know what was ahead. I really don't know now, but I have some inkling. I pray for God to lead me. And if you who are reading this are a praying individual please pray for me.

Latuda

2015-01-06T08:57:00.000-05:00

Yesterday while I was looking in my 'this drug doesn't work' bag I found some Latuda. When I looked in this blog I found no mention of Latuda. I would have brought this up to the doctor if I had remembered. That is what this blog is for. Arrrgh! That and spreading the word about how things effect me.

I am going to have the VNS (vagus nerve stimulator) device adjusted. Perhaps it will help me at this time. It seems not to work anyways. The adjustment will happen on the seventh. I will document it one way or the other. The last time I had it adjusted was right before my 2011 hospital stay. That stay was for mental health. I felt good for several days. But it was too strong because it caused increased appetite. I had to eat every hour even throughout the night. I had to eat or the metabolism caused me pain. I had to reduce the device down. We will see what it does this time. We will work at the adjustments more with more patience and perhaps it will, at 100 dollars a pop be adjusted correctly.

Latuda-Right for me?

2014-12-29T18:12:00.000-05:00

I have started back on Latuda. I was having arthritis in both feet and read about it causing the problem. I called the doctor when that pain was also accompanied by breast pain.
She has written a script that would test my prolactin levels. That test includes the serum levels. This will tell if it is the Latuda or something else.

Latuda effects

2014-12-19T01:01:00.000-05:00

I was put on Latuda about 10 days ago. Now I keep wanting to move. I am up writing this because I want to move around constantly and typing seems to help. First it was my breasts that hurt as if I had eaten way to much caffeine. So the method of breast massage was employed. That seemed to help vastly. Anything to stop the misery and pain. Now the inability to stay still. I am waiting for the side effects to get worse.
I am waiting to go to the doctor for the VNS. He is a neurologist and usually works with epileptics. I was not there since 2011 so I have to register as a new patient. This is a pain. I should have taken better care to have it adjusted and watched. It was not bothering me, and I thought it wasn't working as it was supposed to so I let it go. I was neglectful about the matter. If it is not working, I should have it removed. That is cost prohibitive. The thing was put in in 2008 and has been turned on since. The battery was supposed to be working for only six years. So I expect it to stop any day. My level of usage was low grade, only a very small shock was used to stimulate the brain and create serotonin. Perhaps the low level of stimulation will enable the battery to last longer.

I am back on effexor. I know that that drug was tolerated by me some time ago. As a matter of fact about three years ago. It seemed to work for a short time and then it quit. Same as the other drugs. I have had about 18 different medications over the past 21 years. They work for a time then they peter out.

There is a strange phenomenon with depression. Unless the drug is working the right way memory is impaired, joy is also. I have very little memories of the day before. And if you were to ask me how the joy that I experienced was remembered there would be nothing there. Nothing there, just a vague memory there. Not joy, and over time nothing. I can't remember what joy is about. That is pitiful now isn't it?

Stress: The Common Enemy

2014-12-11T03:03:00.000-05:00

From the web:
http://healthylivinghowto.com/1/post/2014/01/new-science-of-stress-reveals-how-you-think-about-stress-matters.html

Blog from Linda:

I highly recommend Dr. Gabor Mate’s book called “When the Body Says No; Exploring the Stress Disease Connection”. This book is truly amazing. At first he goes into the chemistry of stress hormones and how they eat away at the gut. Then he goes much further. This book allowed me to see myself slightly differently. Just a more compassionate view of the child I was and who I am now really opened some doors of perception at just the right time. I recommend anyone suffering from autoimmune disease to read it. And also look him up on youtube.com

Your Brain and Its health

2014-12-10T22:10:00.001-05:00

From the Web:
Your brain is the command and control center of your body. If you want a healthy body, the first place to ALWAYS start is by having a healthy brain.

9 Things that Enhance Our Brain

1. Positive Social Connections — the people you spend time with determine your health and longevity.
2. New Learning — when you stop learning your brain disconnects.
3. Diet — we either consume the nutrients that help us or the toxins that harm us, the SAD is associated with heart disease, cancer, diabetes, depression, ADD/ADHD, Alzheimer’s. Food is medicine or poison.
4. Sleep — essential for blood flow to the brain, without sleep there are very serious consequences.
5. Physical Exercise — acts like a natural wonder drug for the brain
6. Healthy Anxiety — for inspiration to change
7. Meditation/Prayer — calms stress, chronic stress restricts blood flow to the brain which lowers brain function and prematurely ages the brain
8. ANT Killing — don’t believe every stupid thought you have
9. Gratitude — write down 3 things you are grateful for every day and within 3 weeks you’ll notice significant difference in your level of happiness, this is the best anti-depressant

Depression: The Great Imposter

2014-08-13T16:25:00.000-04:00

When I heard that Robin Williams had died I wanted to write right away, wanted to make a statement. But I decided to wait for the comments of others to see if they could understand what he was going through. On a Fox News web page I ran across the following information. Doctor Keith Ablow got it right when he wrote the following article click here.

The statements that he makes are, frankly, the best and most accurate description of depression that I have ever read.
I believe that I am going through the last of the most recent bout of the disease. I began to break it's hold on me when I inserted a phrase into the constant streaming negative comments running through my mind: these people around me are not thinking the same negative thoughts that I am thinking. I other words I worked on bringing myself back to reality. Over and over again I applied this to my thinking. Gradually reality would set in and I felt better.
As this was going on so was something else was as well and when I realized it and used it again and again reality again set in. The thing that was going on was that I realized that the time that I was enjoying laughing, feeling content, the depression ebbed. One might say, well of course! But it meant that I could control it. Just that realization set me to thinking. I said it over and over. Finally it started to work. I was fighting an Imposter. The negative thoughts (depression) were(are) the Imposter.
This is not all my own work. God had a lot to do with this pattern. I see God as all powerful and would lay these negative thoughts on His back and realized that I would feel better. I knew the Bible was Holy and True. If the Bible said to do this, and It does, then He will follow through and take the negatives and turn them positive.
I find that one has to accept something as true and unassailable (unshakeable). To me that is God and His Word. Doubts will rise up, that is why the thought that God would help me had to be unshakeable. I realize that this pattern of thought is working. Yes, there are going to be lapses, but Hang on, strap yourself to the idea and use it time and again. It does work to break the depression. But to get to this place it am on a high level of drugs as well. But just the drugs alone were not enough to bring me to the current level of contentment.

Two Sites for Alternate Health

2014-08-06T06:29:00.001-04:00

The other day I ran across two very interesting sites that have very promising treatments for depression.
One is on everyday health.com

This info, or much of it, is covered in other posts on this blog. But some are not. The information on how Botox can be used and also the party drug Lanicemine is new.

The second site is at www.watersure2.org http://www.watercure2.org/depression.htm

I am trying the water cure and am on my second day of the trial period.(I want to try until my symptoms force me to stop) that I am having muscle aches and pains, and if the headaches don't stop I will have to re-look at the salt factor in the combination. I may have to get the electrolytes through higher levels of my vitamin and mineral supplement.
I offer the information but take no responsibility as to the outcomes. That is up to you.

Other Health Issues

2014-07-01T10:49:00.000-04:00

I thought that I had, through a different type of medication( for bipolar, and not just depression) and a new doctor that I had gotten the disease under control. Well, I had always said that if I had to have pain that I would rather have physical pain and not mental.
Well, now the two are combined and that is a blow. But I have also learn in the depressed times in the past that if I get my mind off of the depression through, say, singing along with positive songs on the Christian radio station, the depression will lift. It does work.
I think that singing along with positive music does two things:

Makes you come out of the current thought pattern(s) that you are struggling with and

focuses your thoughts on the bigger issues in life. Like peace and the light that is in life inherently. It is there, whether you can feel it in your thoughts or not.....

Medication can make you see this more clearly. But there is a stronger presence in believing in something bigger than you. Depression when viewed bigger than you will win over you. Ask Some One (God) to take away that pain (depression) by giving it every minute to HIM. Every time the problem (depression) comes, look towards the light and just believe that HE has taken the discontent onto HIS shoulders. HE is bigger than you. HE can handle anything. Some times it takes years to realize this. Faith wavers. Depression will come and go because it is the way you have always reacted to the situations that your life is full of. THINK ON THIS. At least it will be a different way of thinking, and depression is a selfish way of thinking. I know I still have the pattern of depressive thoughts haunting me, and it is hard. When the problems wash over me I have to give my thoughts to HIM, let HIM deal with it.
Whether you are religious or not, you have to know that there is a larger thing out in life that can lift you. You did not make nature, God did, you are selfish to turn away from what is true.

Well I know that was a rant on God, it deserves to be looked into. There is something bigger than your problems.

Bipolar Another Diagnoses

2013-08-26T13:24:00.000-04:00

Bipolar is just another face of the same disease which is depression. My psychiatrist that has been treating me for about 18 months has diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, OCD, and now bipolar. I have been through all these in the past 18 months. My type appears to be bipolar two. That is where the depression is much more in effect than the mania. In fact the psychiatrist said that my mania is just bringing me back to a near normal state not a true mania. Mania is where a person is euphoric and perceives themselves as special somehow. They spend money that they can't afford. Their own behavior is risky in matters of sex, money, personal relationships, and their behavior at work as well is risky and ill advised.
So I am just experiencing another face of the same problem.

Bipolar: What I have?

2013-08-26T12:44:00.000-04:00

I have been searching for what is wrong with me for all my life. Maybe now I can at least get some answers. The following blog entry may shed some light on the subject www.Yes and Yes.org

Her story is different than mine, but it would explain many things that I have been going through not only now, but all my life. When I did the completely natural thing with my diet and got off all meds, I ended up in a mental hospital. When I went off I still cycled between feeling barely good to down in the dumps. At that time it was weekly. Rather steady and I thought it was allergies. That certain foods caused a reaction which was depression. Needless to say this led to a limited diet which ended up in a compulsive obsession that food and the environment was the source of my depression. This led to an outbreak in anxiety attacks. I feared to eat foods, be in certain places. I was spiraling down into a breakdown. I still go and get allergy shots, but I know that anxiety fed my allergies and their intensity.
I asked the allergy doctor if allergies in general triggered anxiety. He agreed with me that they did. He leaned in close to me and told me that he could help me with my allergies. Period. But what ever I had that went past them was in my head. Maybe not in those words, but with that intent. I returned home and went and sat in the room that before was not "cleaned" up enough from the dust and dust mites. And I realized that my fear of that room and its dirt was gone.
Almost that quickly did my other fears decreased. I did not run out of my outside area at work anymore. Before I did because of my fear of the environment. That realization and yes, medications. I think that the knowledge that I am taking shots for the allergies and the psych medications for anxiety and depression is helping just as much as the actual medications for both.

Back in Depression Again

2013-07-30T14:46:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed that when you are going down into a depression and hurting inside people around you really are tired of hearing about it. I am tired of complaining about it as well. Maybe it is only a perception on my part. But it is still there.
I notice that my thoughts take a certain path as depression moves in. I have memories of past situations that are interpeted as negitive presently (now) but when they happened they were not negitive. I see everything through a type of gauze made of depression. The thoughts have nothing to do with what is going on at present.
Physically I become fatigued past all coffee or engery drink(s). Sleep does not refresh me. When I look at the chores for the day they overwhelm me. They aren't any different than other chores that I had to do without the depression. It just is a huge wall standing between me and my life.
People that do not have to deal with this disease will not understand that you are locked into the situation. Try as you might to move the wall you can not.
For me I have been leaning on Christ more and more. I am reading the Bible on my IPad. It is less intimidating than that huge book called "THE BIBLE". Yet the bible study things like maps, bible dictionaries etc are on the IPad and in the Bible Study App by Olive Tree.
So I am learning small steps at a time. This world and this depression is bigger than me. I need help with it. More than just medications. Period.

Potassium is Another Key

2013-07-16T05:50:00.000-04:00

I was having muscle twitching and began drinking coconut water after a pharmacist suggested it. I was concerned about the sugar content for I pre-diabetic. She said that coconut water was what contained a hefty amount of potassium and should be consumed rather than gator aid.
As I increased the amount of potassium the depression decreased.
Check out these websites EzineMark, livestrong.com, and to caution against overdoing it and that danger check this out Metabolism Associates.

Study the relationship of sodium and potassium as well as calcium and magnesium. Getting all these nutrients in the right balance will help in your fight with depression.

Check this out as well for medications that deplete potassium University of Maryland Medical Center

My husband takes blood pressure medication and he was hospitalized for passing out caused by potassium deficiency.

I also suffer from carpal tunnel when I get low on potassium.

Check out this from Web MD

What to Expect

The normal range for potassium is 3.6 to 4.8 milliequivalents per liter or mEq/l. Anything below 3.6 is considered low. Anything below 2.5 could be life-threatening. You can have a mildly low potassium level for years and have only mild fatigue or leg cramps at times. Often, low potassium is discovered during a routine blood test. As levels of potassium get lower, symptoms increase. If the level goes below 2 mEq/l, there may be total collapse and loss of muscle function. Usually, symptoms go away with treatment. Some abnormal heart rhythms, though, may take time to come back to normal.

Also check this out from the same source:

What are the risks of taking potassium?

Side effects. At normal doses, potassium is fairly safe. It may cause an upset stomach. Some people have allergies to potassium supplements.
Interactions. Potassium supplements may not be safe if you take certain medicines for diabetes, high blood pressure or heart disease. Check with your doctor first if you take any medications before you take potassium supplements.
Warnings. People with kidney disease, diabetes, heart disease, Addison's disease, stomach ulcers, or other health problems should never take potassium supplements without talking to a doctor first.
Overdose. Signs of a potassium overdose include confusion, tingling sensation in the limbs, low blood pressure, irregular heartbeat, weakness, and coma. Get emergency medical help immediately.

Locked out!

2013-07-15T19:23:00.000-04:00

I was locked out of my blogger account some months ago. It was a mix up in the information needed to log on.
I am now on 125mg of Anafranil and 300 mg of Lamictal. 2.5mg of Abilify. Through trial and error my doctor has come to the conclusion that SSRI's do not work for me. I was weened off that type of medication and went on the above about six months ago.
It has worked wonders. The medications have actually changed the thoughts passing through the brain. It has stopped the OCD to the point that I can see things more clearly and accept that things are not as negative as I interpret them to be. One of the thoughts that I have had constantly is that I must control every little detail in my life. If I could not control it, money, bills, health etc my anxiety would multiply and then I would go into depression. These meds have brought me to a point that I can see how the OCD and depression have controlled me all my life.
Also I am on a walk with Jesus now. One thing that I know is that as I turn over the needs of my life to the Lord He gives me a sense of peace. I know the medications are working on me as well. But to have a sense of relief when I pray is getting stronger and stronger. Little things are happening to me day by day. I am beginning to turn everything over to God. And the bills are getting paid. And I am beginning to realize that I am not alone in the struggle with the disease. I am not here to be judged by others and myself and come up lacking. I am a child of God, a new creation, a unique one with no comparison to anyone or anything else.

REALLY!

What Wiki pedia says

2012-12-31T08:42:00.000-05:00

Just shortly ago my doctor diagnosed me with mood disorder. Shortly before that it was OCD both faces of one disease. This depression has more than one face. In fact many faces. When people tell you to snap out of it and you can, that probably is 'the blues'. Not to be laughed at in itself the 'blues' are a minor form of what I have, and many others have. This form of depression can not be snapped out of.

It is major depression associated with anxiety. But there are ways to use to help one survive.
But back to what the title of this blog.

Specific treatments for depressive disorder

Many forms of treatment are available. Treatments may include cognitive-behavioral therapy, music therapy, art therapy, group therapy, psychotherapy, animal-assisted therapy (also known as pet therapy), physical exercise, medicines such as antidepressants, and keeping a gratitude journal. A more holistic approach is required to address the problem of depression and mood disorder.

I have not tried cognitive-behaioral therapy, but all others. The blog is a gratitude journal, a record of medical things going on with me dealing with the depression. The VNS has not helped me as I thought it would. But I think brain stimulation in some what will help. The VNS does work somewhat, but not to the freeing from the depression.

Soothing yourself in depression

2012-12-14T07:04:00.000-05:00

I got an email from a friend for me to look at this:

Press the “stop” button on negative mental tapes. Do you catch yourself ruminating on the worst that could happen (“The insurance company won’t pay, my friends won’t help and I’ll wind up living on the street”)? Replace that “awfulizing” refrain in your head with a more realistic scenario (“My premiums are paid and I can stay with my cousin while my home is being repaired”). Also, remind yourself of a past challenge that you faced successfully as you inwardly repeat the mantra, “I survived that, so I can survive this, too.” As a physical reminder, write your mantra on an index card and stick it in your pocket—then take it out and read it whenever negative thoughts threaten to overwhelm you.
Trim your to-do list. The idea is to make the rest of your life as stress-free as possible while you concentrate on the big challenge at hand. Cancel or postpone obligations that add to your burden…request that family and friends make fewer demands on your time, at least temporarily…take a mental-health day off from work if you can. There will be certain things you can’t let go of, of course—but you can always find some wiggle room in your schedule.
Be as kind to yourself as you would to a loved one. “It’s common to focus on our own flaws while ignoring our strong points, then berate ourselves inwardly for our weaknesses,” Dr. Block noted. To halt that stress-expanding habit, speak to yourself in the third person, showering yourself with the same care and compassion that you would show to a troubled friend. Example: Rather than chiding yourself to “stop being a big baby,” tell yourself, “Life is hard just now, so it’s OK to feel unsettled. Remember that you have many fine qualities—strength, persistence, intelligence—that will help you through.” Then close your eyes and visualize yourself moving through your struggle successfully, utilizing your wealth of inner resources.
Source: Joel Block, PhD, is a senior psychologist at Long Island Jewish Medical Center in New Hyde Park, New York and an assistant clinical professor of psychology/psychiatry at the Hofstra North Shore-LIJ School of Medicine in Hempstead, New York. He also is the author of more than 20 books, including Saving My Life: A Least Likely to Succeed Success Story. www.DrBlock.com

Mood Disorder

2012-12-14T06:37:00.000-05:00

Since last writing I have been given the go ahead to try lamictal. It is a drug that I am severely thankful for. It melts on your tongue and so it is in your system far sooner than any other drug that I have been on. I am also on abilify and wellbutrin.
My psychiatrist says it is a mood disorder, but did not mention bipolar. Maybe it is not as severe as the latter. But it is helping me to get things off my chest and calm things down emotionally and give me some peace. I am now not so anxious about my putting my foot down about certain things and not to much ruminating on it afterward. The things have bothered me emotionally for some time. As I am feeling less anxious about things in general, I feel that it has helped me greatly to have this drug.

Thought Bubbles: Aristotle

2012-11-06T06:47:00.000-05:00

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit. — Aristotle

Has anyone ever applied this to depression? If we practice the depression, each and every day, then we become excellent at what we do. Depression is as much a physical thing as a mental thing. If I fill my mind with it in the morning, gripping about this or that, then the rest of the day I head down that path. The day is no different than the day before no matter what happens. It is you and your reactions to your situation that rule you. Keep your thoughts as near to doing your chores, work, spiritual things, and realize that you are the one that controls what goes on in your mind. Kick the depression to the curb as best you can. Kick it a little more each day. There will be a day that comes where when the depression occurs that you will automatically kick it to the curb. Then you will see that you will become excellent at defeating the monster within.

Risperdal

2012-11-06T06:43:00.000-05:00

I am having dreams in which I am very active, talking or moving. The dreams are about escape, running in fear away from something that fills me with terror. But I do stand and fight. I have awoke with the words 'CHECK YOUR WEAPONS' coming from my lips.

I have for years clenched and ground my teeth, and I wear a teeth guard. I have begun picking at sores on my thighs and buttocks. I pick my ears most of each day. These are nervous anxious habits.

I wake up early in the morning and when I get past that drowsy stage I write. On my current book, or on what is happening to me. Then as I get tired I slowly sink back asleep.

I have my highest anxiety when I am at work and when I am driving to and from anywhere.

There is a burning in my chest at first. I counter with a deep breathing exercise. After a while of this anxiety the depression comes on. Some times I can control it through the deep breathing, but that is getting harder to do. Typical scenes that appear in my imagination are things akin to dogs biting me, relatives or myself having a road accident.

Last night I went to bed depressed, and am now struggling with not going deeper into the depression. At least at this time I am not overly critical about it, that this whole situation is my fault. I did that for years. When I get into that mode I suffer the most.

Dreams

2012-10-31T08:45:00.001-04:00

I can usually tell when the drugs I am taking are either not the right strength, or are not working. I have awoke to dreams that seem terror filled. And yet the actual subject matter is benign . I wake up to feelings of It has happened again.
At three in the morning I awake. Again I am trying to use suggestions, positive affirmations to help de-program my overly tired brain. I am trying to come off of Colonapren and down on risperdal simultaneously . Not a great picture. Half a sleep when I write, but do so anyway to get angst out about the early risings .
I have restless movement of trunk and legs as well . Try to sleep, does not relieve the problem. Seems to me that this was the same problem the last time.
The the naggings of the Chiropractor come to mind. Put anything into the body and you affect it's normal function.

I decided very shortly afterward that I would go back up on the tranquilizer and the risperdal. I am happier, less frightened, though I still go through bouts of anxiety. It is as if my brain once it has walked down the path of anxiety and depression has trained itself to run down that path when I am reacting to most anything. But there are certain things that trigger it more than other things.
Travel, especially in cars, and working doing my job. Both things I have done all my life. So what is it? The psychiatrist says that I need to have my mind filled with creative happy thoughts. When driving I am better when distracted with singing with the radio or just listening to it. When it is slow at work is when the anxiety is worse.

Thought Bubbles: Holley Gerth says it Again!

2012-10-27T05:42:00.000-04:00

I think that God has sent this lady to help many. Here are her words

On the way to a crazy 50 mile bike ride with my husband I text back and forth with my wonderful friend. Our conversation sounds kinda like this:
Me: Why am I doing this?
Friend: I have no idea.
Me: Because I like a challenge? Because my hubby wants me to? Because there will be free snacks along the route?
I can’t put my finger on the motivation.
I turn from texting to the screen of my Kindle. These words from Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard jump off the page at me…

“We essentially ask ourselves three questions when we have a decision to make:
Who am I?
What kind of situation is this?
What would someone like me do in this situation?”
–Chip and Dan Heath

We think we make decisions based on facts and rational thinking. It turns out a lot of times our decisions are based on our identities–both who we believe we are now and who we aspire to be in the future.
I was doing that 50 mile bike ride because I wanted to be the kind of wife who does stuff like that with her husband.
Huh.
That identity push was powerful enough to get me up at the crack of dawn and take me through 50 miles of riding.
Why does understanding this matter?
Because it means if our identity is based on untruth then we will make decisions that are out of line with God’s best for us.
If I believe I’m someone with nothing to offer then I’ll hold back.
If I believe my life doesn’t have a purpose then I’ll be more likely to live without intention.
If I believe God should have made me different than I will be hesitant to use the strengths and gifts He’s placed within me.
On the other hand…
If I believe I’m who God has created me to be and He’s given me what I need to accomplish all He’s called me to do then I will make decisions that move me forward in His purpose for my life.

Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. Heb. 12:1-2

What hinders us? Often it’s what we believe about who we are.
Do we all struggle with this? Of course.
And we will until the day we’re home in heaven forever.
But we can stand at the starting line of a new day together and say, “This is who God says I am. And because of that, I will be different today.”
Let’s persevere in our race, friend.
Are you ready to move forward together?

ACCEPTANCE IS HARD

2012-10-24T05:42:00.000-04:00

Since going on Abilify insomnia is a constant companion. I messed up and took a tranquilizer at the wrong time of day at the wrong dosage. In an effort to get some 'useful' time out of the day, I took a risperdal in the late after noon. WRONG! Thing to do. 36 hours later my body is still messed up.
The risperdal caused insomnia, causing over tiredness causing a weakness that started an anxiety attack.
When the attack happens, it is not a panic attack. It starts with a feeling in the chest that feels like heartburn. If I start in with slow deep breaking the anxiety can be delayed. If I start with this(anxiety) in the morning by early afternoon I will have depression. The chemicals in anxiety will push the brain into depression.
I think that I am developing agoraphobia. I am safe inside the house,that is if the house doesn't fall in on me. But safer here than all the other places and scenarios in my life. I still dwell and ruminate on horrific (at least to me) things.
The Chiropractor says that my atlas bone is severely out of place. It is twisted and possibly tilted. We do not know if this is from the 5/5/11 accident or if I had it before. No x rays at that angle to determine that were taken before the accident. The X-rays before the accident were taken at a certain angle, not the angles of these latests shots. That is the difference. I can not prove that the accident has worsened the depression through external tests, but it did and has.. But I signed a waiver and can't get any more money. Acceptance of the way that this disease effects me is the worse part of this disease right now.

True Inner Happiness is Rare

2012-10-15T09:39:00.000-04:00

In the search for what will make me happy, I have done many things. (Don't we all). But I don't mean just material things, even spiritual things, I mean I want to laugh. Over silly things. It seems that that doesn't happen very often. A really deep sense of happiness and silliness. I did have a small amount last night. Listening to silly ringtones. I was laughing like crazy! Serotonin was surging and for about an hour I was silly/happy. I think with all the stress in today's world and the seriousness of the state of things more silly things are called for. Not demeaning, just let loose silly things.

I have to learn to let go, and back off of ruminating thoughts. This is after 9 months on medications. and eight different ones at that. Any thought can become ruminating. Most are negative, and full of anxiety. But if I can just dwell on the words "Drop it and back off!" The feeling of control of the thoughts empowers me. Even just a little bit. So if I can replace the thoughts with silly things on intention, it does help.

Writing is a therapy for depression

2012-10-08T19:29:00.000-04:00

I have found that the journaling of my experience with the VNS and depression is in itself therapy. This latest mix of drugs and doing my creative things has given me more serotonin and other calming brain chemicals. I have been writing some novelettes about an archeologist an her beaux who is in the same business as she. Just to put words to the keyboard and letting things flow keeps my mind off of the anxiety and depression. Replaces the negative with adventure, with other's thoughts, with others problems and then I solve them. Something, the solving part, I have not been able to do very successfully in my own fight with anxiety and depression. It seems that I am developing a type of agoraphobia. just another face of the sickness.

In the mix!

2012-10-04T07:54:00.001-04:00

It seems that the mixture of all the drugs seems to be slowly working. I am more productive in the artwork, writing and blogging. I have a good level of energy through out the day for projects in the evening and in the mornings as well. A reminder of what the mixture is here
http://draft.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3729535059627039435#editor/target=post;postID=137343103729171494
I realize that I go up and down in this battle. I am not bipolar, just that I go in and out of depression. Certainly as well in anxiety, It is just that when I am up I have several projects I would like to do.
Projects in art , writing and sculpture (see last post!)