DuckTale: Inside the mind of a LadyDucky

[moved]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 13:52:00 +0000

Yes, I decided to move the DuckTale to DuckLounge...
Please come and join me there!

[catharsis 1.0 - intellectual masochist]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 09:00:00 +0000

For almost a year, I keep on thinking about what am I doing.

Being an international postgraduate student is one of my dreams. I dream it for years. I tried quite many times, failed again and again. So, I do thankful with my status now. Not because of the “international” matter, but it is more about a fulfilled dream. Especially in the financial issue.

But then…

Life is not a fairy tale. Once you reached your dreams, you have to keep on struggling. There always be something after anything.

Like now…

On my first semester…

I had quite lot anxiousness. I am neither a great English speaker nor writer.

The subject that I am doing is not a popular one, means that it would be harder to find information about how to succeeded in this subject, to learn from the seniors.

And, all of my colleagues are English native speakers.

As an addition, I have different academic background than the basic of this subject, not too far but it is still different.

Jeez..

It means that I have to catch up with so many things.

Meanwhile, the academic calendar in here is not helping you. We should adapt with the demands as soon as possible. We only have 13 weeks, and believe me, it is a very short time. Every weeks, we have to read a bunch of materials which have been disclosed by the lecturer from the very first week. And it is not the only materials that we will need for our assignments.

The assignments?

I had one research proposal, one research report and several analysis reports.

This semester I have a few statistical tests, a qualitative research report, and some analysis reports.

To be honest, these are (almost) nothing to be compared with my semesters in my bachelor degree, especially the sixth. Seriously! That semester was the craziest one. You may ask my colleagues about this!

Yet, I found these assignments were harder than what I’d been through. Because I had to read many reading materials. And learning with another language is not easy. I should manage my brain to have automatic translator. HeHeHe

Anyway, I passed it.

But, now I am facing the second one. And of course, it is harder!

The reason why I typed this notes is not to complaining my blessing, I have another point too. Just keep on reading…

So, here I am…

I stuck with an assignment. Get bored with to transcript my qualitative research interview. Get horrified how to manage these assignments with my other activities…

I am being a volunteer in two organizations. One is “only” an online voluntary work. And I just started another one. As these are voluntary works, it means that I could manage my time for those things. But, I do have obligation to commit with my commitment. So they do take times.

I also decided to take a language course. It is a quite crazy thing. Learning the third language from second language is really not a good idea, especially for people like me who don’t have language as their strength point.

And I think back why I had this kind of dream. What did I think?

Why should I dreaming to pursue my advanced degree or any of those activities? Nothing and no one gave any command to me to do these. I believe that I would be fine too even if I decided the other way.

Even if I want to continue my academic degree, why should it be in overseas? There are good universities in my home country. At least I know one which is good in my major…

And so on…

So, I come up with a term..

Intellectual masochist.

What does it mean?

According to Merriam-Webster online dictionary, masochist means “a taste for suffering”.

So, I feel that at certain point, I chose my own suffer…

And since I believe there are some people who are doing or did the same or similar as what I am doing… It might be a sign to consider it as another informal disorder.. HAHAHA…

Well, above all, please note that less than 75% of this note is valid and reliable… The rest is another catharsis (elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression – Merriam-Webster online dictionary).

PS: Why I found more female postgraduate students in my list?

[ask for a favor]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 16:20:00 +0000

Today is my birthday... The 27th.

The second one that I celebrated overseas.

I had fun on my birthday.

I didn't nothing really special actually... I got a gift from by boyfriend. A box of chocolate and horse-figure glass. Last few days, a good friend of mine gave me half-egg-chocolate with greenish duck on it. My family asked my boyfriend to arrange a cake for me.

A lot of people sent messages to me. Facebook, SMS or even thru phonecalls.

However, I also get disappointed.

Those networking thing, is a good one on bridging people whereever they are.

But, I love more the old version one.

I know that to type texts takes time. I couldn't ask more than others' precious time, could I?

But then, at certain point, I thought that it is not as personal as SMS or phonecall are.

And so text message to mobile phone.

I prefer one's own words than forwarded texts. It just more personal and I could get a grisp of what've been passed so far.

I do disappointed to certain people who are I consider as my bests. But some of them were only text me on Facebook. While I try my best to text them personally thru SMS. Yes, it takes certain amount of money, but ones' birthday do not happen everyday. It is only once a year ocassion. Why we should bother about that?

Some even didn't text me anything. I could understand if they are just acquaintances, but they are not. I know that I shouldn't value friends as shallow as this point-of-view. But, could I expect more?

Yes, I know that I shouldn't put my own standard on others. That I should do anything I want to without expectation to receive it back. I know... But it is hard, isn't it?

I try my best on giving my time for my friends, especially the best ones.

But, based on several experiences, I disappointed again and again. When my time comes, they weren't really there. Yes, a few of them were there. But not as expected. I am just an ordinary person who is also needs attention and affection.

So, is it OK to get angry and disappointed if on my day, on my special day, I just want to be the central point? Don't, please don't... distract my happiness with your issues.

I do love to hear what had happened to you. I have unconcious responsibilities to help my friends, as far as I could. I have high expectations on myself to be there for my friends.

I do feel honored to do these things...

But, I do need time to pampering my self...

It would be one of the best gifts that I've ever got...

[the truth of nothing]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 05:35:00 +0000

The new semester that has just begun urge me to read quite lot philosophical background of the specified subject. I still can’t enjoy it. I do like philosophical things. What I couldn’t enjoy is the chronological plot that has been used by the writers. They explain one thing then describe it a little and compared directly with other approaches. Yes, somehow this way is more practical but it makes me confused. They get used to jump here and there. And what make it harder, they use a lot of references for one thing, though I do understand that they do that in order to avoid plagiarism …

Anyway…
One of something that I learn is about the truth. Whether the truth is really true?!! This is an important issue, especially in the social sciences. And since daily life is full of social issues, this is also an important thing for life.

The truth, at certain points, consists of judgments. The judgment itself can be divided into two parts, what happens and what ought to. It means that the things that we see are sometimes not the way they are.

To make it simpler, everyday, we see a lot of things. Things did happen. We (ought to) experience a lot! Unfortunately, it seems that we don’t have enough time to do that. We are busy with those obligations. We wake up, take a bath and other personal things, eat three times a day (might be more or less), work, sleep. And so on. We keep on doing almost the same thing. Sometimes, I feel afraid that the future might be something like what some movies had showed. The last one, Wall-e.

We forget to see things closer. We think, the most important thing is to do ours. Keep on walking fast, sleep while on our ways, and eat with reading newspaper/magazine, and so on. We always think that we are busy people. Busy and busy… The life is becoming harder and harder. Find a lot of excuses to work overtime, to make houses to be like bed & breakfast motels.
Though time does fly!!!

This philosophical approach of the truth and judgment reminds me that whenever we already have certain images and concepts of specified thing, it would be hard for us to see it differently. When we see that person as a villain, we will see her/his behaviors in a bad way. That is why, to put any label to people should be done appropriately.

It is also why a good psychologist needs to be careful on making her/his reports. As a teacher, we shouldn’t say naughty boys/girls. As a student, we should not put any label to the teachers. Not only might have negative impact to the teachers but also to us; we might be frightened. As an employer, we shouldn’t think that our employees as lazy and stupid people; otherwise, as an employee, we shouldn’t keep on thinking that our employer is only focusing on money.

It seems that, like it or not, life is full of labels and if we want to go further, a massive gossips :(

Label is important to understand things. It is important to know others and ourselves better. For instance is those famous labels of personality. But, those labels need to be treated as recognition. As the way we identified others: “Ah you mean X, the cheerful girl?”.
But I don't think it is necessary to always try to put those people you met into any classification..

Labels put expectations. Expectation might be good if we see it as a hope, as a goal which needs to be set. But, expectation might be bad too if we put it negatively. Psychologists and motivators know it very well. And they do make money from that. Do we have to see them negatively? Well, sometimes, I also put cynical points to others, might be a person or a country. Many times actually. I even have friends who are supporting each others on doing this. And similar things happen with gossips.

That’s why I want to write this. I want to remind myself (again) that things might not as what we have seen. That the social world is really grey! And we should recheck, we might see the way we want to. And we might see others the way the others want us to see.

That is why discussion is great. To see anything closer, see the others' perspectives. Understand. Yet, a discussion is not a debate. Discussion wants to see the issues clearly, while debate wants to seek the winner. If you ever see a debate competition, both sides have to defend whatever the jury put them on. And none of those statements are false. They've have their points. Thus, you can see clearly the differences between debate and discussion. Though, I believe that in order to have a good discussion, we have to find the proper candidates.

Whatever it is…
I have to go back to this philosophical approach which I think doesn’t be explained clearly thru these chapters. I have to read it without what I’ve labeled it… HeHeHe…

Have a great day!

[pre-congratulations Mr.President!]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:27:00 +0000

Obama will be the President of United States of America starting from this night (noon in USA, night in Indonesia). I plan to watch the process. I want to hear his first speech as the President.

Although I hate those people who have unbelievable sense of belongings with Obama, either as long-long-long-cousins, childhood friends who might made fun on his color of skin or even those people who feel that they have strong bond with Obama just because he ever lived in specified areas or country.

Seriously!

This is a proof that people will always be around you whenever you are in the top, but not when you are just ordinary people. Just like ants, who always gather near the sugar or anything sweet. They don’t care whoever has those sweet things. But, what can you expect from ants? Of course we can learn a lot from them, their solidarity and great cooperation system as examples, but don’t you think that as human we should be wiser on adopting certain behaviors?

However, I am not talking about ants.

So, though I hate those silly things, I am happy that I have chance to see this historical moment. Although, when there were only three candidates from two parties before the Democrat decided who will go as their representative, this is great! There were a woman, a man with a mixture color and a veteran. Those three were intelligent with their own positive and negative sides. A tough senator who is also a wife and mother, who is being hurt due to his husband’s affair. A “young” man who is a good orator, who were supposed to be labeled as third-culture-kid, who might felt confused with his identity but succeed to go through. An “old” man who has great experiences, a war veteran who was put his life only on the chances, who might feel bad when he had to shot. It is amazing isn’t it? While some countries debate on who could be their Presidents including who are the candidates’ ancestors and where they were born (does not mean overseas, just other cities).

Those people, the situation and the Americans itself were give me an understanding. Although I don’t like USA, its arrogance and the way it be a problem maker. I don’t like that it has UN veto right. I simply don’t like its authority. But, I can understand why Americans feel proud to be the way they are, although most of them also protested some policies (ex.: Iraqi wars), they proud to be American. And I can understand why a lot of people try their luck on the lottery of green card.

Everything seem possible!

I like the way Obama appreciated McCain and vice versa. I never heard that the opposition candidate backstabbed his/her opposition after the election. While they were still in the election's process, they announced the words war between them. But that’s it! Not like in certain countries, the opposition always try to take the lost chair as soon as they can. Well, I do agree that the oppositions need to debate certain policies, to remind what needs to be done, to against. But, those efforts should be put in the name of lay people instead of their own.

What is important in this moment is not because it is an inauguration of USA’s president-elect. But, because it shows that Americans are ready to move on. They know what were happened in the past, how the whites discriminated the blacks. They know the history. They honor the history. And Obama didn’t provoke the blacks to fight against the whites, to revenge. He didn’t and I think he won’t.

I believe that he faced many hard situations just because of his skin. How hard it was to move over countries, to live with a few cultures instead of one (which also gives a great opportunity of understanding). He might feel rejected and unwanted. And so on. But, what is important is not what he felt. But, how he faced and how he did it.

So, I think it is better to learn how to honor our histories instead of creating a supportive group for Obama. It is more important to reveal our histories. To learn the fact. To receive however bad is it. To forgive and ask for forgiveness.

It is more important to support our brothers and sisters in our countries who are in need, instead of making an idol. It is silly, isn’t it? Obama is just a human, just like us. So, I don’t think it would be wise to put all the problems into his two hands. And it is terrible to see him as a savior of this nasty world. Yes, he gives new hope. A hope that creates euphoria and makes us believe that hope is still exist. That this world is getting crazier than ever, but we still can believe that there always be the right time for everything. To remind us, to not let go our hopes.

Above all, I put my highest respect to Ann Dunham. I just can imagine how strong she was (though we have our own problems which make us strong too). She should faced the racism because she fell in love with a black man. How broken her heart when she knows that Obama Sr. should married (an)other due his tribal custom. How hard it was to raised a children alone, though she decided later to sent Obama to her parents. How she taught Obama (and her daughter, Maya) to respect every cultures that they have. How she taught her children to be proud, no matter what. To behave properly, no matter what their religions.

Last, I hope Obama is not only a good orator, but a good President too. Sometimes, people forget what they said and promise when they already get what they want.

I get use to heard a lot of boasting words, through speech, slogans or even songs.

*picture was taken from here

[online volunteering]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 11:45:00 +0000

The first post for the first day in the new year...

Above all, I do feel that time is passing by so fast!!!

Did I do it well?

Did I stretch myself as far as I can?

Did I actualize my competency in the maximum point?

Did I or not...

I know that there were things which I could do better...

Things that I should did, but did not...

Words I must said, but did not...

Path that should be chosen..

______________

However, to regret is not a good point for life.

I think it is better to count the good instead of calculating the bad. We have to be thankful, don't we? To count the blessings is better for the mental health, while calculating the trials creates jealousy. Jealousy leads us to negative thinking and endless bad motivation.

I feel that I am blessed with many great things last year.

I want more, but I know that I am lucky enough. I didn't win a car from any draw, nor win any money from the lottery. But, I can fulfill my basic needs. I even be blessed to continue my degree, almost without money to be spent...

Thus, I think I have to do more. I have to give more than what I did.

I am looking forward to do some volunteerism during my academic calendar.

I did two! And I enjoyed, especially the last one.. It was an amazing experience!

I want to do more...

Yes, there is a hidden motivation... Those volunteerism will help me on getting jobs after I graduated. But, really, I don't think that being a super-duper-dilligent student who just sitting in the class and do the homeworks is what I want to be. I am get used to be a little active, not much. I know that I can't too be too active in many organizations. I am a good procrastinator! I don't know why, but I couldn't finish my homeworks far before the datelines. Thankfully, I still able to manage it...

I also a lazy person to go out. I love hang around and see great places. I love to experience things. But I hate traffic jam! Though there almost no traffic jam in my "new city", the transportation system isn't as good as I expected. My house was 40 minutes from the CBD, but it will takes more because of the schedules. Thus, I spent around 90 minutes. There were some vacant volunteerisms around my sub-urb, but I couldn't. It was because, they asked volunteers with certain certificates which legitimate them on helping the elderly or children.

That's why, I am looking for any volunteerism that do not require too much time! It will be great if I can do it at home... Cheaper, easier and more effective to me.

And I found it!!!

Online volunteering is the answer, isn't it?

UNV (United Nations Volunteer) has a website to accomodate this interest.

The website is named

There are various classifications of tasks and development topics. We can also sort the tasks based on regions and languages. And the greatest thing is the humantarian organizations which post the tasks are real and they might give us certificates or any papers that explained what we did. It is awesome!

So, what are you waiting for?

[merry christmas and happy new year 2009]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 08:09:00 +0000

Dear All,

Merry Christmas for those who are celebrating it and Happy New Year 2009 for everyone \(^.^)/

May peace be with us all and may we be blessed through every dreams that we ever dreamed...

Have a nice holidaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaay!!!

Cheers,
Ancilla

[USA Presidency Election VS Congo War]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 06:04:00 +0000

Well I know that I had to publish this earlier. Just couldn’t find time to write it completely. However, I still feel right to publish this since I didn't update anything here...

---

Obama won! Countries talk about it a lot!

It might because he went to 2008 presidency election in USA which is claimed to be a super-power country, which had financial crisis and the Americans need a way out. It might because he is an African-American person, who could be a slave for the whites if he was born in the 17th century or even late 19th. It might because He is young. It might because of He brings new hopes to citizen of USA (and world?).

To be honest, I was put a little attention for this presidency election. I was wondering how far Hillary-Obama would go. I can’t say which one I preferred. I feel apathetic with politic. I think there are only two options of election; those are for worse or worst.

They just want the “chair” which they will get power. As far as I know, they might be idealist people when they fought for change, but once they have “the chair” they forgot! They focus on how to keep it as long as they want. How they can gain a lot of support. What should they do to enrich their surroundings. Even, those who lost on previous elections or elected once, they keep on trying to get “the chair” back.

To be honest, it makes me wondering… Does it mean that there are only a few people who care with the specified country? Or it simply because they just keep on living in their denial world!

Let’s go back to the euphoria for Obama. Though I don’t care who would win the election, I am happy that he can win the election. Obama is a great public speaker, he makes people of the world turned their heads to USA for different reason except war and oil (or war for oil?!). It seems that Obama gets the biggest support from young people. Hope that it means that there are a lot of people who want to see a better world. A lot of people, whoever and wherever they are, they support Obama.

But, I also have objection. Nope, not toward Obama. I just can’t stand to see the people’s reaction. Obama lived in Indonesia for a while. Just after Obama was elected to be candidate from Democrat party, his colleagues created a group to support him. I am just wondering do they really behaved that kind to Obama back then? Or they be kind because Obama is a “big guy” now?

While the world was focusing on Obama, there is a civil war in Congo. I knew this after a friend of mine reminded me. The data from International Rescue Committee (IRC) shows that this conflict caused 45,000 people died every month (you can hear it from the video that I posted here). These people died not only from the war itself, but because of the impact! Inappropriate shelters, unhealthy surrounding, malnutrition and even rape. The rape is terrible, quoted from IRC’s website, Nicholas Kristof of The New York Times calls Congo as “the rape capital of the world”.

They suffer for both physically and mentally.

This situation is much more important than Obama’s election, isn’t it?!

If it is that important, then why I didn’t hear much support acts for those people?

Further information about Congo can be seen at these following websites:

1. IRC’s Special Report – Congo: The Forgotten Crisis

2. IRC’s Special Report – Rape in Congo

3. UN News Centre – DR of Congo

And the following is one video from some that you can see through YouTube:

Congo's Forgotten War

[wings phobia]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 12:56:00 +0000

Please...
Don't burn my wings...
Release them back to me...

I never gave them to you,
or even lent them to you.
You stole them from me,
with the magic of your power.

You just tear them...
one by one...
silently.

Do I have to be cruel?
And steal them back?

Don't be jealous with me...
You gave your wings,
with high consciousness.

Then, why should I accompany you?
Why should you took mine?
Why you get angry when see other's wings?

Seems like you have wings phobia.
Do you feel afraid to be alone?

______________

I just found it in my draft files...

I typed it almost two years ago. Yes, two years.

At that time, I was burned out with the situation in my former office.

As many private companies, especially the marketing ones, my former office has the numbers as their target of achievement. I know that money is important, I also can't live without money. But I just can't stand the way they put their eyes on money in every single acts. It just.. Not what I want to.

I saw people were licking the boss. How they did the wishy-washy-words about their boss but when they met the boss, they said all the good things. Given praises and showed be worshipers. Jeez! Come on! There is a big differences between being polite and being a licker!

I had experiences when I didn't have any idea who to trust. It was seems like everyone in the group want to be the best. It should be great actually. Only if it happened in a fair way. Once, the head of my division appointed me and a colleague to join an intra-division-project. I was appointed quite late, not from the beginning. A colleague who was the leader of the group, who was a good self-marketer. She cut my words, not only in a meeting, but several. I didn't really know why, maybe she thought I am just a stupid newbie. I was, since I didn't really know the marketing things. Just hate the way she treated me. Once, in this project, the big boss pointed at me such a waste. He said, I should make the psychological classification for respondents of this project. I said, I wanted, but then I need supervision about this project. I never get involved in this kind of topic. I also newbie in the marketing business. In fact, they asked a lot from you, which easily to be understood.

But, what I can't understand is why there were some people who actually did almost nothing, but got promotion or bonus and other appreciations? While some others get rejected, just because they said the real things? Is it right?

That people choose the liars than the honest people?

Can it be called white lie? I think it is not a white lie anymore...

I see how pathethic some people are.

They just want to see the world in their own frames!

They are blind!!!! They choose it!!!

Once, a colleague was pointed to handle a project, which actually he can't due to his job-descriptions. The results were bad, terrible! A lot of interviewers were cheating and the data was fake! But then? The supervisor said that the show must go on... Because he could not say the real thing to the clients... And at the end, my colleague got fired!!!!! And it was happened not only once...

As the final remark of my burn out... I was assuming that my supervisor lied at me. There was a pharmaceutical project, in order to fulfill the presentation deadline my colleague and me worked on weekend. Yupes, on weekend. Including Sunday. My colleague even had to stayed over! But then, in the Monday morning, the supervisor said that the meeting was canceled to Wednesday. I said ah good, since we can revised it further. But then, the supervisor didn't say a word. He didn't ask further data and so on. So we thought it was fine. We were wrong... On Tuesday, after lunch, he asked further analyses! Jeez... It meant that he didn't really finalize the report on Sunday for Monday. So I was assuming that he lied.

Afterwards, I committed myself to resign. It was the final situation and I can't bear any longer. Although I do thankful for the experiences. The great colleagues. The good friends I found.

But, it was not my calling. Thankfully, I did.

I planned to publish this after I resigned. I just didn't want to make a sensation. Although not many of my former colleagues know this blog, I still don't like the way some people sneaking around. I know some colleagues who I can't trust at all. They love to lick others'. How they managed and distributed some gossips which at the end, saved their positions.

I hate liars!

I hate hypocrite people!

I can't be like them... Just simply can't.

I don't want to give my wings to them.. I hope that I never have to!

*The picture was cropped without permission from here.

[i love the world]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 06:04:00 +0000

I just found out this advertisement from my friend who plurked it. And yes it is nice... It made me smile and smile...

I rarely watch Discovery Channel, although it doesn't mean that I don't like it. Just because I rarely watch television. However, I would not talk about my habit.

I do love the concept it made. It is true, this world is getting crazier than ever. I can't see one way out for all of those craziness. As a social researcher, I try to figure out which point is the best to do the intervention. Social problems are much more complex than we thought... Although, it might not be thought that way for certain people.

I also have a way to complaint about this world! I know exactly, who should I contact whenever I want to discuss those nasty things. In fact, there are friends who exactly know how to support each others on doing this. HeHeHe...

Anyway, this advertisement is not only promote the channel, but also advocate current issues. As example, it shows Buddhist monks on "I love the whole world", which may be trying to capture the Tibet issue. On the other hand, it also shows that people may have different interests. One can love the bridge, Egyptian mummies, tornado or jellyfishes. From Stephen Hawking to rockstars. Just be it. It makes the world more colorful!

Those people were captured to have one voice. They love the world with all its craziness.

Love the world with its various differences!

Just a little wondering..

If there are a lot of people who love the world, why our Earth doesn't feel so?

How many destructive behaviors to the Earth.

And...

Can we really be titled as a world citizen instead of certain country's citizen?

Or, the borderless ethnicity status?

One world faith?

Last, I hope that the blogosphere still can be an e-world which is free of any kind discrimination.

Since, I really love it.

It helps me to express what I feel and think to the others.

And at the same time, helps me to understand what others'.

Doom-dee-yada.. Doom-dee-yada.. Doom-dee-yada..

*The video was taken from YouTube.

*The image was taken from xkcd.

[I feel tired]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 19:40:00 +0000

Yes, I feel tired...

Physically.

Have a lot of assignments with limited deadlines...

I wonder why I can't concentrate as well as I did.

On the other hand, I still got personal issues which actually small issues and can't be named as problems.

Emotionally.

I feel that the relationships that I have, get stuck in a stagnant phase.

What I mean with relationship here is in general one. I feel that I tried my best to maintain those relationships, but didn't get them back. It seems useless. I tried to be there whenever they need me, but do they care that much?

To be honest, it makes me detached from certain people. Did not want to get involved too much.

Hmph.. I think the "flat affect"term is the most proper one on describing what I feel.

Psychologically.

To be honest, I need new challenges. Due to physic point before, the new challenges are definitely non-academic things.

New environments, although it doesn't mean that I need to moved out.

Spiritually.

I pray. But I rarely get the "sense".

I still believe in GOD, just missing the "sense".

Maybe I am just too busy...

I feel empty!

It seems that everything I do are meaningless. Only based on what I used to, a habit. Just like a programmed-robot.

PS: Thanks to Plurkworld and DuckTale, as my run-away-places.

[boyish and girlish]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 00:47:00 +0000

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.

Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.

You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.

You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

[science vs social?]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 12:40:00 +0000

This story is based on my own experience, happened a few weeks ago. Yupes, a few weeks ago. Just don't have time to type it here.

First of all, I'll tell you the context of it. I am studying applied social research. I admit that it is a unpopular choice, especially those from my country. After I said it, there are four options of reaction. One, they said "What is that?". Two, "Ooo..." with a blank-anxious-face. Three, "Wow, great". The third one occurs because they never heard about it, not because they really feel so. And last, starting the conversation which are related with the subject, but only a few did this - those who can understand what it is all about.

I learn how to make a good social research, the whole process. Starting from how to identify the social problems and form the researchs' questions, to the analysis and further social interventions. Why I chose it? Because I already made a decision, that I will keep my interest on non-profit sector. I love to do something, not only for money. I have academic and professional backgrounds that will support me on research matters. And I believe that research should be the basic of every social interventions. Because humanitarian aids don't suppose to be a lifetime dependency. The aids have to help the community but they also have to maintain the sustainability. This is important, because the aids are only temporary supports.

That's enough I think.
So back to the case.

I had a chat with a friend, nothing special. Only to updating our current situations.
The chat was fine until my friend popped-up with a question that I perceived as an offended one.

"So how is your school?"
"Err...?"
"Yeah, taking overseas classes..."
"Oh.. Language always be the main problem."
"Does it easy?"
"Like usual.. Nothing is easy at school."
"Well, what I mean is.. Like in IT, the difficulties are the numbers. The mathematical things. How about yours? What makes it so difficult, with your subject?"

Hmph...
My brain worked fast...
What did she mean? Did she choose wrong words, so she said something unintentionally?

But then...
The bad point won!
I assumed it as an offensive words. This was because of the analogue she used. She said that IT is difficult because it related with numbers, the mathematic. While others, which don't have mathematic points (according to her assumption, because I can't mention any social subject that do not deal with numbers), wouldn't be as difficult as IT...

So I made my assumption too...
This question triggered my negative emotion, my defensive words.
I said...
"Well, social subjects have to deal with social issues. And not like IT or other scientific subjects, it deals with unknown things. IT deals with computers, the thing. While we deal with humans. Whenever you met an error, you just find the bug and fix it. While we can't be that easy, you can't conquer poverty with giving certain amount of money to the poor."

This made her go to the silent mode. She answered "I see..".
And I didn't have the mood of further chit-chat...

Yupes. I was rude.
I apologize for those people who are on that areas.
I didn't mean to underestimate other subjects. Trust me!
I believe that each of us is a piece of a big puzzle. The big puzzle can't be completed if any of its pieces is missing, even the tiniest.
We have our own part.
It was an anger. As I said, my defensive words. It was the best that I can.

I just can't keep silent... I feel offended.
Somehow, she said that my subject should not be as hard as I said.
That I was exaggerate what I said.

I felt this way because she said something similar a few months ago.
Whenever I got the scholarship, she asked me what subject that I'll take.
And after I told her, she said "I see.. That's why you got the scholarship. Because of the subject isn't the popular one."
Her mother (her mother was there) even said "Because people think that those people who graduated from economic and financial subjects have prosperous futures. They can earn money easier."

Jeez...
At that time, I felt very offended. What the h***!!!
I wanted to scream and yell at them. Fortunately, I was in a good mood. I kept my logic on my mind. Just be polite, keep silent.
I just didn't want to create a cold war. It wasn't necessary to argue with these ladies.

Argh!
Can't you open your mind?!!

The worse is...
She is one of my closest friend.
I feel disappointed with her. Really!

Sometimes, I feel she really wants to win everything over me.
That she has to be the number one. No one can beat her.
Well, competition is good, but can't we get relax a little bit?
Do we have to think about competition in friendship??

The good thing is, I have a great motivation to give proof to them. That they were wrong!
They were wrong to underestimate non-scientific and non-economic subjects. Hope that someday I can make them ate their words..

*The clip art was taken from Microsoft Office's Clip Art.

[religious coincidence?]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 13:57:00 +0000

On the last two-three weeks, I've got three religious "advertisings". I used religious instead of spiritual because they preached on their own ideologies.

First, I went to campus library and there was a guy standing near the door. He said whether I can help him filling the questionnaire. So, I looked at it, it was a one page questionnaire with not more than 10 questions. I filled it, although I knew that I can't answer most of the questions. The questions asked religious things, pointed verses. I filled it because I just want to help him. I thought he had to finish his thesis or something.

I was wrong. On the last question, he suddenly opened his bag and took out the Bible. And, he opened certain verses from books of Bible. He started without giving any sign! I guess, he knew that I would runaway if he gave the sign. He just said this and that, blah blah blah... While I was looking and thinking how to get rid from him. He preached things from Bible, which had been translated words by words. While, in my opinion, religion needs faith.

Second, there was two people knocking my house. One of my housemates opened it. A few minutes after, she called me and said that there was two missionaries... I wondered why. She said that those missionaries want to say something but she just said that she is Moslem. So, I had to face them. Once again, I had to face others' preach.

To be honest, I felt like there was something burning inside me. I really wanted to yell and so on. I didn't know why, but I felt it that way. I was cruel on them because I didn't open the screen door. I didn't want them to get in to the house, because it would be harder to get rid from them. As the final, I said to them,

"I do respect whatever you believe, so please respect what I believe."

Third, I went to the city with friends. At that day, I saw there was two "missionaries" who approaching a guy in the tram. I just smiled and didn't want to look at them. A little bit worried to be approached. HeHeHe... But then, on my way to the station, a lady gave a small booklet titled "God's bridge to eternal life". I still keep it, because it reminds me to not forget about HIM.

However, I get confused. What's wrong with me? Why they chose me, chose my house?
I keep this question in my mind...

What GOD wants to say or reminds me?
Because I do not give my best after good things happened in my life?
Because I am too busy with my worldly business?
Because I feel like an agnostic these days?
Because I do feel "empty"?

Or it just a coincidence?
To be honest, it is hard to believe that it was coincidence.
Nothing happens without reasons.

Tried to figured it out...
Any idea?
Any suggestions?

PS: Happy fasting to my fellow Moslem... Hope that GOD grants you (and us) the patience and spirit of forgiveness.

*Clip art was downloaded from Microsoft.

[determination]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 02:44:00 +0000

Nothing is impossible...

I always love photography, I admire photographers who can take any interesting views. In my own opinion, a great photographers can "transform" any ordinary thing to be extraordinary issues.

OOT.. Yet, this is important to take the best angle of my face. HAHAHA... (just the other part of me).

I love photographers who can capture things which usually be abandoned, especially due to rushing behaviors. Anyway, I was looking for the photographs of Beijing Olympic 2008. And found out about Natalie du Toit from South Africa...

She is a national swimmer with one leg! She won gold medal on 2004 Paralympic Games and participated on this current Olympic as the first female amputee swimmer ever! She didn't win any medal on this Olympic, but I believe she did awesome! Inspire others and spread the hope!

She was born without physical disability. She had to amputated her leg after the scooter accident. Ironically, it happened in 2001, while people put their high expectations on her to join the national team on 2004 Athens Olympic. She could give up all her dreams on sport or any other dreams. But, she didn't!

I believe that it was a frustrating situation. It always hard to accept that we failed on anything which only needs couple steps ahead. It happens quite many times... But it still hard to deal with. That's why I adore the spirit that du Toit has.

In fact, there are two other athletes who have similar conditions. They are George Eyser from USA and Natalia Partyka from Poland.

Eyser won six medals, including three gold medals, from 1904 Summer Olympic at St.Louis, Missouri, USA from artistic gymnastics. He only had one leg and on the Olympic, He used wooden leg as his left.

While Partyka is an table tennis national athlete although she only has one "normal" hand.

I don't get further information about Eyser or Partyka. But, I really admire their spirits!
After I browsed the Paralympic Games, the 2008 Beijing Paralympic Games will be started on September 6th. And this games held every two years. And again, I adore their spirits. Their willingness to strive to show the best part that they have.

Sometimes, we, the "normal" ones, forget how to stretch our capabilities. I have no idea what did I do as give-thanks-actions for what I've got. I see that all what I've got forget were meant to be mine. That it was my right, thus no need to be thankful. On the other hand, while I didn't get what I want, which I thought should be mine, I will protest here and there.

To be honest, I feel a little bit ashame with myself whenever I met people with extraordinary motivations. I have a blind colleague, she is not a have-pity-on-me-person. She tries to be as independent as she can. She demonstrated her program which can read every single word through her notebook. Trust me, it was very fast! I didn't capture any word at all! And it wasn't only me who can't understand the words, but others in my class.

A friend reminded me that, blind people have higher capabilities on listening and hearing. I know that, but still! While we went to campus center together, and my friend wanted to go home... She took the same paths with us, but after we reached a point, she said that she has to go to right. She knew which paths are the right ones. I can't imagine how she did that, what kind of spatial capabilities she has. Or even on "simple matters", like how she detect her clothes? How to determine which one to buy and use...

Most of all, I admire those people fighting spirits on breaking others' underestimate point-of-view! How to stand up and be proud as the way they are.

I learn a lot from them.
I always remember what my friend said on her speech for closing ceremony of our preparation classes, she stood up at the podium with proud. I would be nervous if I have to speech in front of at least 500 people. She said how it feels to be a new international student in a reputable university with large campus area. Some get touched with that words, especially for us who attended the 6-weeks-preparation-classes.

As the closing sentence, she said

"Whenever there is a will, there always be a way!"

*du Toit's photograph was taken from stern.de.
*Partyka's photograph was taken from ITTF Para Table Tennis.

[temptation to be a smart aleck]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 05:35:00 +0000

After few months, I really need to post this subject.

I hate smart aleck, the know-it-all persons. Although it is not as bad as a hypocrite person.
I am wondering, why the know-it-all persons behave that way? Is it that bad to not know something? Do they fear to be called moron or unsocialized just because you don't know something, even you really don't or you are newcomers?

I realized that sometimes it looks nice to be a clever and fast-learner person. I know how it feels. My friends said that I don't look like a newcomer in this city, since I know how to get here and there. But it is because I have been to that locations. I got lost few times, due to my stubborn-way-of-thinking. It is better to get lost, instead of keep on asking (stubborn!). After I got lost, I would know what are there and what are here.

I see this kind of person as people who are suffering to get others' acceptance. To be seen as "someone", to be respected. They have a kind of anxiety and somehow they do not feel comfort with the way they are. It seems that they have lack of self-confident. This is only a premature idea, no need to be taken seriously...

Anyway, I know that it is not fair to see other people through your own glass. Putting others into your philosophy, your values. That's why I didn't do anything to confront that person. That's why I use this blog to share what I think about this situation... Trying to analyze the situation.

At the end, the easiest answer is because I am an arrogant person, who don't like to see others know something more than me. So it was my problem, not theirs...

*Clip art has been downloaded from Microsoft Office Clip Art.

[preparing myself]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 08:12:00 +0000

Hey Hey…
I am trying (as always) to manage my time on blogging. Unfortunately, I am still not in a good position to do it.

However, I already start a new chapter in my life. I live in overseas to pursuing one of my dreams. As stepping into my dream, I also feel afraid. Whether this is the right choice, is it the right path for me. It is so hard to define what I have to do. There are no rules for life after we graduated from high school, aren’t they? When we were in the elementary school, it was easy. We didn’t have to think what we had to do. We just continued our academic degree as it had to.

But once… When we were in the last class of high school. We had to choose, what subject we would take. Should we take bachelor or diploma? Should it is taken in this city, that city or even overseas? What is the subject, who we want to be in the next decade? And so on.

Somehow, it happened. Until now, I see that process as a miracle. Who I thought I want to be isn’t the one who am I now. I never imagine that I will work this way, going that way. When I chose to apply in psychology, I didn’t have a good understanding on it. As far as I knew is psychology learns about human. I will help people for their mental health, not many differences with being a doctor. So be it!

Thankfully, it wasn’t the wrong choice. Sometimes, I imagine what would happen if I went the other way, what I am doing now. But, whatever it could be, I didn’t regret it. I am happy. I got a lot of great chances because of it. I met a lot of amazing persons who few of them I hope could be my long-lasting-friends. We share the same big dreams. We discuss so many things which I realized can’t be done with others. It doesn’t mean that the others aren't fun or what, but it is simply because we have the same values and way-of-thinking. I won't be a freak if I think about something that way instead of this way. We believe there always be reasons for anything and we hate the black and white thus we prefer the grey area.

When I stepped into professional world, somehow lives put us into different paths. We met a few times, tried to have spare times to go to Starbucks to have a great (in quantitative and qualitative meanings) time with a great cup of coffee or "tumbler" of frappucino. It was hard to set the time in our differents activities, thus every meeting was precious. In each of them, we tried to catch up with others' latest update situation. And it was hard to finish the conversation. We usually finished it because we have to.

There were times when I felt so far away from others. Times when we really can't managed the times. When we were busy with our own business. And it was getting worse because I moved to other cities, as I resigned on my first job. Being alone in a new different circumstances, is a challenging and terrifying one. Feeling lonely is a very big no in my mind. I have to remind myself that I could be alone, but not lonely. But it happened! And yes, we always appreciate things higher when the things aren't with us. When I was living in the same city, I thought that "ah we can meet another time" and so on. But when I moved, though it was only for short term, I regreted it. And this regret goes to my disrespect on growing and being an adult. I realized, that there were time when I got caught with adult's norm. Being a dedicative employee who forgot to take a break for holiday and fun. Forgot to enjoy the life, to taste what we earn, to live to the fullest. I had fun with my colleagues, higher level of knowledge and skills. But, it was hard to take a break, take any leave.

Thankfully, I can get out of that situation. Hope that I always remember how bad it was.

So, back to my current situation. Here I am. I am alone without their physical appearances. I know that they will always be there for me. They won't mind to hear my mumbling, babling and others. I know that I always have place to go. For whatever reasons, in anytime, just call or text the others. And vice versa.

On the other hand, I also have to prepare myself to lose some of their important events. Prepare myself to not hate myself when I can’t be there when they need me. Prepare to not being over-sensitive whenever they can’t update their situations and conditions, what they are doing and how they feel. It is not an unpredictable one, but still hard to deal with.

This is getting “worse”. While I am here, my friends are pursuing their dreams. I am totally supporting them for doing this. It just… Somehow it makes our lives go to different paths. I am in the south part of the world, while they may go to the north. Technology helps. Really helps. But things will be different though I believe in the power of friendship. I believe that as good friends, we always know how to be attached though we detached for certain times. And thanks to the inventor of internet and VoIP, but still...

All of this make me wondering... Does human being have to grow up alone? Do the developmental tasks put us to be individualist? That we have to taking care ourselves and get attached to friends is not a wise option? Can't we keep the old things not to the past? Can we believe that the word of friends forever does exist?
Publish Post
*The picture was taken from here.

[self-doubt]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:33:00 +0000

HUAAAA...

At March 31st, I was starting my EAP (English for Academic Purposes) due to my plan to continue my postgraduate degree. It holds Monday to Friday and 4 hours in minimum for each. This is quite a hard adaptation because I get used to wake up not too early in the morning. HeHeHe... So, this is the reason why I can't post anything or blog-walking. *sigh*.

Back to the EAP.
Previously, I had put myself on IELTS test. I put the requirement as my goal, not too optimist actually because I have serious problem in grammar. Even one of my friend said implicitly that it is better for me to not post any blog because it would be a shame or sort of.

Anyway, I got a little more than what I need. Lucky me.
Therefore I only need attend a 6 weeks EAP, and can enroll my postgraduate degree afterwards. But, after weeks, guess that I am not that lucky.

Several tasks have been done, and the teacher put quite lot comments. During the speaking session, I am not as fluent as my colleagues. Writing? Jeez, a mess!

That's why...
Maybe it would be better if I attend the 3 months or 6 months class? So I could learn more and more? To improve mine.

The other thing is I already accepted in my targeted faculty. It is great! Really.
But, at the same time, I have to prepare a lot!
My estimated date arrival is on May 21st 2008. It means, I only have less than a month!

I have to prepare all the things. From personal belongings, selected books, which I will bring with and find accommodation. I also have to hangout with friends because I don't really have plan to go back before graduation. Gosh...

And I doubt my capabilities... I really do.
Self-doubt mode ON...

Guess that it relates to my tendency to be a perfectionist. Unfortunately, I am not a kind of dilligent one to reach the perfection. What a life!

Hmph...
Instead of all of those things, I feel motivated to go as soon as possible, because I really want to have a new experiences. Come to a new place offers great experiences that money can't buy. Not only for travel, but also observe the other part of the world. To see and to feel. To communicate and make relations which hopefully can reduce our stereotyping point-of-view and throw-out our narrow-minded brain.

Exhilarated and frightened at the same time!

*Picture was taken from Microsoft's Clip Art.

[thanks a lot]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 16:46:00 +0000

Nothing to say except:

Thank you GOD...

My life ain't perfect, in fact it is hard. But, day by day I learn that my life is full of great things. Really!

Hmph, really... I don't have any intention to be too religious since I am not. But, really... I don't have any words.

Happy Easter to those who celebrated it. May peace be with us :)

*Image was taken from Microsoft's Clip Art.

[world silent day]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 11:32:00 +0000

Today, I got few messages on my YM!, it reminds me to support the World Silent Day.

What is that? As it says in the WSD's blog, it inspired with Nyepi Day (Silence Day in English). Nyepi Day is a Balinese ritual to celebrate Caka New Year. A celebration for Hindu people in Bali, which falls on the 9th New Moon (Tilem Kesanga) in the Balinese calendar. It is the time to do self-reflection. To do nothing except fasting and meditation. It prohibits any electrical usage, even it is only a small lamp in the night. Do not work or even go out and play. Further information can be read in Wikipedia, though most people say it can't be used as an accurate reference, at least it helps a lot.

Back to WSD.
This program evokes us to:

SWITCH OFF ELECTRONIC APPLIANCES FOR FOUR HOURS on March, 21st 2008 at 10.00 AM to 2.00 PM

Of course with exceptions for hospital and other similar things.
Yupes, it means no computer usage and so we can not blogging. HeHeHe...

As what we expected. This campaign is a support reduction in CO2 emission, to reduce global warming. Which at then end, help the earth and ourselves! As what UNFCCC tries to get whole world's commitment and action.

It is not only 4 hours, it is bigger than that. It will held in workday. Based on my own experiences, Friday is the busiest day together with Monday. On Friday we have to catch up to finished all the important things which usually nothing is unimportant, unless we have to postponed it to Monday.

Imagine, a factory where each minute does matter for both employees and employer. Or, for us who get used with electricity. It is hard, at least for me, to not open my mobile phones for certain period of times. In fact, when I woke up, I plug off them from chargers and turn it on. Just wandering whether there are new informations or just a simple salutations. It seems I get addicted with electricity, though I still in love with books!

The electric usage and global warming are in the devil's wheel. The global warming increases the temperature, so we have to deal with it. The famous option is using air conditioner (AC), which produces the Co2 emission and at the end "supports" of the global warming.

Anyway, let's start to help ourselves. It takes 4 hours only.
Hope there are a lot of people from all over the world support this and act.
Hope that there are a lot of companies put this campaign seriously.
Hope that they will support this and make it happens without give any additional working hours to their employees or an excuse to cut the salaries. HeHeHe...

[support for addicts]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:10:00 +0000

Narcotic has been a social problem all over the world since very long time ago. These days a lot of people are saying "Say NO to drugs", supported by various organizations. How serious this problem can be seen with organizations which focused on this matter. Let's say UNODC, The Foundation for a Drug-Free World or even YCAB in Indonesia. There also organizations who put anti-drugs as one of their concern though not the biggest goal, WHO for instance.

The drug problem has effects on HIV/AIDS or addicts education. Another thing is whether it is right or not to put addicts into criminal jails. Not only because of the rumor which said jails are great transaction places, but also because, at least for me, addicts aren't the bad guys. They need help instead of physical punishments. I do believe that behaviorism theory plays important role in community. We have to give reinforcement in order to get proper behavior, though in my own opinion, this theory degrade the human being existence. I see social punishment as a great one. It has great impact to one's life, it can "healed" or "killed". It has to be used wisely.

I want to point out that people tends to blame everything to the addicts. I know that what they did was wrong, totally wrong. But, it is not really fair to put all the blames on them.

I see it as a matter of expectations. My senior, who live nearby, was an addict. He is a bright guy. Until all of sudden, at least for me who only a stranger, he deported to an overseas rehabilitation center. And his family sold their house part by part to their neighbor.

He fell because he frustrated. He failed on the national exams to enroll in the public university, even he has great score and he got various acknowledgments for his capabilities. Whenever we heard such a case, we have tendencies to say "Jeez, how stupid he was" with various words.

But then, for me, it is a camouflage. Such like a defense mechanism.

We tend to see the falseness in others to protect ourselves on seeing ours.

We always use the mechanism, as a matter of fact, we live with that. In my own opinion, this is (addictive behaviors) a result for expectations. In the case, He felt useless since he failed to fulfilling the expectations. His own and his family, or even the people around him. The failure broke his self-image, the concept which he holds for years.

I agree that maybe he doesn't have a strength, skills to deal with failures. But, don't people say that there wouldn't be any smoke if there wasn't any fire? Parenting has a very crucial role to everyone. I see that parents have tendency to try their best to fulfill all their children needs and wants. It is great actually, really great. I adore how my parents can handle that.

It is hard to be parents. How to be a life-time supporter for the children but keep on saying the truth. How to be a great sponsor, but at the same time not being indulgent. Unfortunately, there still no certificate of parenting. We, colleagues in psychology, always talk about this. And still, we always have the same result, the more we learn about parenting with its effects, the more we afraid to do something wrong.

Last, but not least, let's support the say-no-to-drugs actions. And, it is not only the person's responsibility, or even its family. It is all of us!

*Image was taken from UNODC.

[mathematics of love]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 10:41:00 +0000

In the last two weeks, I watched PS. I Love You and 27 Dresses in the theaters with my friends. Both of them talk about love and relationship in general. Yupes, the very favorite topic but never bored the viewers.

Both are romantic-comedy films. 27 Dresses is funnier than P.S. I Love You. I laughed several times because of Heigl's expressions. I found this film is entertaining. Especially when she gave the "Jeez" and "Sigh". Meanwhile, I cried on PS. I Love You. Yupes, I admit it. Not a new thing for me, since I don't know why the tears easily dropped when I watched specified movies. My logic reason would be I always put myself into the characters in films or even books. Another part of me says that it is because I have similar experiences or anxiousness.

Anyway, the story of PS. I Love You is not really special one, while 27 Dresses's more unique. Though both of them have the Cinderella's symptom, to live happily ever after with a prince charming.

One thing which I want to underline here. In both films, I learn that life is not a mathematical thing. It doesn't have any exact formula or calculation. Life can be ended immediately, like Gerry in P.S. I Love You. Life can be ironic when you really know that you want to get married asap but all you've got is to be bridesmaid for 27 times like Jane in 27 Dresses. It can be desperate enough that our future isn't as good as we imagined while we were younger. We may only have underpaid job and we don't like it just like Holly (P.S. I Love You). Or our idol isn't as great as we think, maybe he just a person who know how to perform well in the stage or mass media but don't really believe in what they did, like Doyle (27 Dresses).

And both of them tell us that lifetime partners may appeared in the middle of nowhere. Just popped-up without any previous notice. Sometimes it even not the one who we think we are looking for...

One thing last for me, to questioned myself...
If the lifetime partner may occur all of sudden, why I still find a lot of questions about "What are your requirements of your ideal partner?". Do we really have to put a list, divided into three sections. The must have, ideally and the big NO.
Shall we?

For me, it sounds useless...

* Image was taken from Microsoft Clip Art
** Thanks to Angie and Maiden for the tutor how to put YM! Emoticon.

[coincidental reason]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 17:47:00 +0000

I just reviewed my email. I checked the unimportant things and somehow I dragged to the latest email in that account. Why did I do this? Nothing, I am simply an unemployed person. I have time to do anything though it is not necessary. So, I scrolled down and up, picked some emails to be read some. Clicked on the non-forwarded ones. The emails which have to be like mails, except the technology. HeHeHe...

In that account, as a matter of fact I have several accounts, the oldest one was received on June 2000. Almost 8 years ago. It is from my senior in high school. At that time I was trying to learn things to get into university years. I tried the national test to see whether I am lucky enough. Yes, I put the lucky word there, because I am not confident enough that I can beat others. That I am greater than them.

Anyway, I failed. I felt disappointed at that moment. Not because that I really want to go to the public universities. It is because I have to let go one of my dream, my personal goal for years. Since the first time I remember, what profession I want to do, I always put being a doctor in the first stage. I changed so many times, new things always interesting. But, one thing for sure... Get a MD. Years passed, I upgraded it to be a surgeon. HeHeHe... Guess that is one reason among others why I love to watch Grey's Anatomy.

Thankfully I had second option. I found out about psychology. I didn't really understand what it will gonna be. What will I learn. What kind of job for its graduates. In Indonesia, psychology starts to booming on 2000, at least by my own opinion. I just thought that I can keep my interest on social things. If I can heal physical condition, then perhaps I can with psychological things.

At the first semester, I enjoyed it so much. My father asked me whether I want to try another shot for the national test, to try to get my dream MD. I refused. I feel that this is me. I heard how my friends were doing in medical faculty. Jeez, totally I can't. Years passed by. I have so much interest with counseling and social psychology. Clinical is on the list, but I still not confident enough with my memory capabilities. I don't like to memorize everything, to be like a dictionary. Too lazy with it.

And here I am. Standing as a bachelor of psychology. Still not doing anything directly to cure others' psychological conditions. As a matter of fact, my proposed postgraduate is not counseling. Has an indirect connection with social psychology. Still has a big dream with them, especially counseling one. But, I have to be a little logic here. To be a certified counselor, I have to work so many years and will cost a lot of resources (time and money).

It doesn't mean that I don't want to sacrifice that much. It just not logic for me. I can't keep on learn and learn with money from my parents all the time, can I?

So, for whatever it may takes, I will take the way round. I am not sure whether I am doing the right thing or not. What will I gonna be in the next few years. No idea at all. I even get a little confused about what will I do after graduated. Yes, I have the options but it is not complete.

One thing for sure, there is no such coincidence in this life. Everything happens for something, for a reason.
There is a big picture for each of us, we have to put the puzzle one by one.
Just like for what happened before.
I do believe that.

*Image was taken from Microsoft Clip Art.

[compromise]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 17:33:00 +0000

What we think it is good, not always good for others.
What we think it is great, not always be perceived that way.

Communicate, discuss and make a compromise.
Guess it is the most proper option!

Happy Valentine's Day!!!
Love and beloved.

[tired]

noreply@blogger.com (Ancilla) — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 13:50:00 +0000

These days, I learn more about fear and anxiousness.

For years, I have been taught that I have to reform fear and anxiousness into challenges. A challenge to not overestimate situation and keep moving.

As people say, life is like a wheel, the wheel-of-life. I perceived it like wheel-of-fortune, a prior famous TV show. There are times when we stay in the top, and times when we go down which hopefully not the lowest point. Does it consist luck? I do believe in that. We always need it. Though it is not like a sudden blessing which make us, in a blink, to be like Bill Gates. Luck is the supporter of efforts and such like an answer of prayers.

Since the nearly end of 2007, I terrified with my IELTS exam. It is more than an IELTS test. It would has great impact on my life. There was a following interview afterwards. Those related with my academic life. I proposed to continue my postgraduate degree overseas. If, I failed, another road is waiting for me. But, no one has willingness to get failed, though they believe in GOD's way.

I want to continue my postgraduate since I finished my bachelor. That very moment, my Dad asked me whether I want to continue the degree directly. I said no. Main reason is I have to be certain which major that I'll take. I still confused. Major that I love and I fit in is can be said not exist here. But the favorite here, is not really match with me. So, I declined the offering nervously. I was afraid that I will lick my words back. Commitment has been made.

Years passed. I applied for a few scholarships and failed in the first phase. Questioned of my own capabilities. I planned to work around two years but in fact I worked for almost three years. Anyway, I put 2008 as the proper year for me to continue my postgraduate degree. I feel good enough for the working and life experiences. Does it mean that I give-up for my dream to get my postgraduate degree overseas (related with the course which I think would be fit with me)? Nope. I won't give up. I applied for scholarship, which actually I tried and failed in a year before. No matter what, I will go back to school. I made a few plans as back-up. Though the anxiousness keep accompany me.

Application sent.
Prayers on air.

And...
I've got it. It is a blessing.
If anything goes properly, I'll go in mid of 2008.

I thought, that after I've got the scholarship, I can be more relax. The door is opening already. Just a courage to step-in, which I thought wouldn't be hard because this is one of my dream. Yet, I was wrong. Other negative thinkings come in my mind. Does mean that I am not be thankful, does I?!

I ask whether I can passed the qualifications. How to fulfill the expectations.
What will I do afterwards. What kind of work and career path will I have.
Live in other country for 1.5 years. Different language, culture and even climate. And so on...

I have experience to stay in other country, but it was only for three months. And there were two other friends come together with me. *sigh*

I feel tired, really. I want to scold them out. Go out and never come back. Fear, anxiousness, and their siblings or cousins are not expected. There shouldn't be any welcoming party for their existence. Can I? Guess I never really can. I tried but then, they never really go. They only transform themselves into other figures. This condition is getting worse because it is hard to satisfied humans with their greedy way-of-life.

Jeez...
Maybe, the option is not to eliminate them...
But to deal and jump it over.
"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"

*I keep certain times to not posting here because my little brother was hospitalized for Dengue Haemorrhagic Fever for a week and a lot things to do...