Simplistic Reviews Podcasting

(Ep. 124): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast - August 2019

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sat, 17 Aug 2019 07:28:00 +0000

On this back to school episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast. William Davis Moore, from Miscast Entertainment, sits in for the vacationing Matthew Stewart. The boys discuss...well...The Boys...TV series...they also briefly discuss the only Oscar-winning film to have a money shot in it (Can you guess what it is?)...they tackle the TransAtlantic accent and finally reveal the real person behind Warner Brothers. All That and Moore...see what I did there? Because William Davis Moore is on the...nevermind...All that and some stoking of the flames surrounding that old rumor about William Shatner's late wife...yeah we went there...on the August Edition of the Simplistic Review Podcast.

NOTES

Shatner's Wife

The Boys Airplane Scene

The TransAtlantic Accent

Pennyworth

Lobo on Krypton

Lex Luthor Stole 40 Cakes

(Ep. 123): Stone Cold - Movie Commentary: August 2019

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Mon, 12 Aug 2019 04:07:00 +0000

Stone Cold

R 1991 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 35m

A street-smart cop goes undercover to infiltrate and bring to justice a ruthless motorcycle gang before they can carry out their plans of tyranny and murder.

Release date: May 17, 1991 (USA)

Director: Craig R. Baxley

MGM...oh MGM. Your copyright happy trigger finger was at it again. Nothing like editing Stone Cold a few times only to have you take it down again and again. Fun stuff MGM...fun stuff.

Take a journey with DJ and Justin to a simpler time, were MGM made fun and exciting movies existed. Sure, MGM has lost it ways these days but there was a time they made enjoyable films. No, I'm not salty over the pull downs - but Stone Cold is a fun ride. And lets not pull punches here, no one pulls off the business in the front and party in the back like Brian mother F-ing Bosworth!

So, take a ride with us as we watch 90s Stone Cold and now faith-based action star, The Boz!

Yeah, the guy from Stone Cold does faith based action movies now, hey everyone has to make a living.

(Ep. 122): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast July 2019

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Thu, 04 Jul 2019 17:04:00 +0000

Happy Fourth Of July! A holiday you that’s best with the fireworks that only the Simplistic Reviews Podcast can give you. On this return episode, the boys discuss what they did on their summer break, which includes hospital visits that lead to an interaction with Michael Keaton, their top 3 episodes of Black Mirror, some of Quincy Jones’ best hits…on fellow celebrities, and how much they would need to get paid to let a female soccer player kick them in the nethers. And to top it off, they play the explosive game Simplistic Submarine. All that and more on this comeback episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast

MUSIC Fast Times By IDOLS
Gold Medal By Sounds Like Sander
Variety Time By Tim Garland

NOTES
Alex Morgan
Quincy Jones Rumor About Brando
Black Mirror

(Ep. 121): Fire Down Below - Movie Commentary: May 2019

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Fri, 24 May 2019 19:17:00 +0000

We started this new year off with a film from 90's action star and serial eater, Steven Seagal's Hard to Kill! We continue the Seagal Saga with Fire Down Below, you know the EPA action film...no not that one...the other one...yeah there is another EPA action film.

Fire Down Below

1997 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 45m

Description

When an EPA representative is discovered dead in a small Midwestern town, government agent Jack Taggart (Steven Seagal) goes undercover to check things out. He finds that local coal mogul Orin Hanner Sr. (Kris Kristofferson) is cutting financial corners by disposing of hazardous waste wherever he pleases and that local kids are falling ill because of this recklessness. Taggart then works to stop the shady activity and save the town, but Hanner and his thugs soon grow suspicious of him.

Initial release: December 13, 1997 (South Korea)

Director: Félix Enríquez Alcalá

Budget: 42 million USD

Box office: 16.2 million USD

Music composed by: Nick Glennie-Smith

(Ep. 120): Guns - Movie Commentary: April 2019

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sat, 27 Apr 2019 02:08:00 +0000

April 26 is here!

Sure, the mystery movie commentaries were fun. But you knew what you wanted and we knew what you needed. So today we give it like it has never been given...That is why, for no other reason, April 26 was circled on our calendars.

A date we know a lot of you have been counting down towards.

A date that will most likely go down in movie history.

April 26, 2019.

The date Simplistic Reviews finally watched...Guns!

Guns

1990 ‧ Thriller/Drama ‧ 1h 36m

Description

Initial release: November 9, 1990

Director: Andy Sidaris

A South American gunrunner (Erik Estrada) uses an island in Hawaii as his base of operations. A squad of beautiful government airfreighters Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) agents is sent to put him out of business.

Shit yeah! Andy Sidaris! The Sidaris Cinematic Universe continues of the greatest movie series ever! Bombs! Bullets and Babes! This isn't no children's Endgame, this is real shit!

(Ep. 119): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast April 2019

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Thu, 04 Apr 2019 00:31:00 +0000

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast is back from Spring break...clean...sober...and ready to go. One of those things is true. The boys discuss everything they missed since they’ve been gone. From James Gunn rehiring, to the etymology of the word “trump”, to that famous last line in Lethal Weapon 2. You remember that one right? We sure didn’t. Doug Funny, Oregon Trail, Jenny & Melissa McCarthy...all points of interest or disinterest on this Spring fling episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES

Jenny McCarthy Anti-Vax

The word “trump” means...

Oregon Trail

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Remake

MUSIC

Fast Times Club By IDOL

Gold Medal By Sounds Like Sander

(Ep. 118): Mystery Movie 2 - Movie Commentary: April 2019

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Mon, 01 Apr 2019 02:31:00 +0000

So last time we tried something new, something mysterious, something crazy!

The people responded and wanted more or we're just untalented hacks...anyway we did it again!

Matt and Justin watch a movie just in-time for another movie that's due out April 5. Wow a movie commentary tie-in? Kinda...But unlike last time, both Matt and Justin have seen this film before.

Sure, it may be just a one off type of film but damn its really mysterious is it not?

So join Matt as he joins DJ in a movie commentary like none other...a mystery movie...eh movie commentary!?

(Ep. 117): Mystery Movie - Movie Commentary: March 2019

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Fri, 01 Mar 2019 18:43:00 +0000

Today we try something new, something mysterious, something crazy! DJ and Justin watch a movie like they did so many times before. But this time it's different. This time Justin carefully selected from the Simplistic Reviews ever growing library of shitty movies, a film DJ has never seen nor heard of.

And that's not all. This time DJ has no idea what he will be watching, he knows nothing, just like you!

So join DJ as he is only aware of recording a movie commentary...not what movie...but...a mystery movie!

(Ep. 116): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: February 2019

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sat, 09 Feb 2019 20:50:00 +0000

February is not only the month of love. It is also the month in which the hooligans from the Simplistic Reviews Podcast return! On this season premiere episode, the boys have intellectual discussions/ profanity-laced tangents about Liam Neeson’s past, America’s rampant use of blackface, Benedict Cumberbatch‘s most creepy role, Jeff Goldblum (AGAIN), and Albert Finney’s best role...Dr. Albert Hirsch in the Bourne Ultimatum...it’s subjective.

All that and more on this heartwarming and romantic February episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES

Albert Finney The Bourne Ultimatum

Liam Neeson Cosh Stalker

MUSIC

Fast Times Club By IDOL

Gold Medal By Sounds Like Sander

(Ep. 115): Hard To Kill - Movie Commentary: January 2019

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sun, 13 Jan 2019 19:13:00 +0000

The new year is here and so is a new batch of Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentaries!

We start this new year off with a film from 90's action star and serial eater, Steven Seagal. Which Seagal film? Well, since Steven has a large collection of so bad its good, we figured we get out one of the better Seagal films that also has some of our favorite lines.

Stay warm with the boys from SR on this chilly January Sunday and let's watch some Hard to Kill!

Hard to Kill

R 1990 ‧ Drama/Thriller ‧ 1h 40m

Description

When police detective Mason Storm (Steven Seagal) uncovers ties among corrupt cops, the mob and charismatic politician Vernon Trent (Bill Sadler), a hit is ordered on his family. During the attack, Storm's wife is killed, and the cop himself is severely injured. After waking up from a years-long coma, Storm, aided by gorgeous nurse Andy Stewart (Kelly LeBrock), slowly gets back on his feet and plots revenge against those who wronged him, particularly the duplicitous Sen. Trent.

Release date: February 9, 1990 (USA)

Director: Bruce Malmuth

Box office: 47.4 million USD

Screenplay: Steven McKay

Music composed by: David Michael Frank

(Ep. 114): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: December 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 19:15:00 +0000

Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good podcast! The Simplistic Reviews Podcast is back to jingle some bells and deck some halls with Simon Appleton from Moustache Movie News. We ask the expert in all things U.K. everything from Brexit, the metric system, and Meghan Markel...we also take a break to read some Christmas cards sent to Santa, much to the chagrin of our Jewish cohost Matthew Stewart. We also bring back one of our favorite games, Simplistic Titles, to see if Simon knows what movies are real and which ones come from the dark recesses of DJ Valentine's twisted mind. All that reindeer crap and more on a fa-la-la-la-loaded episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast

MUSIC
Deck The Halls By Album House
Hark The Herald Angels Sing By Album House
Jingle Bells By Album House
O Little Town Of Bethlehem By Album House
We Wish You An Indie Christmas By Aaron Tosti
Happy Christmas Deck The Halls By Be Still The Earth
8-Bit Blues By Fairlight
Move By OBOY

NOTES
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Audition
Aladdin First Look
Lindsey Lohan Beach Club

(Ep. 113): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: November 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Fri, 30 Nov 2018 16:00:00 +0000

Don't count your turkeys before they're clucked...that's a saying, right? The Simplistic Reviews Podcast for November comes right under the wire just in time to tell you what happened to Harry Potter, explore the career and voice of Kathleen Turner, discuss the filmography of Steven Seagal and create a brand new Pokemon. The boys test the limits of reality with the return of Believable Or Bullshit. Justin reveals which classic '70s show he'll be watching next on TV Roundup. And we flip Hollywood on its head with another edition of Simplistic Switcheroo. All that and more on the award-winning Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES
Hard To Kill
HPV Michael Douglas
Detective Pikachu
Michael J. Fox on Curb

MUSIC
Fast Times By Idols
Sun Traces By Isaac Joel
Gold Medal By Sounds Like Sander
Runaway Ghost By Travis Loafman

(Ep. 112): If Looks Could Kill - Movie Commentary: Novemeber 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 02:42:00 +0000

If Looks Could Kill

1991 Action Comedy 1hr 28m

Before he can graduate, cocky high school student Michael Corben (Richard Grieco) travels to France on a school trip to earn a missing French credit. But when a British intelligence agent mistakes Michael for a spy of the same name, they rush him to headquarters and assign him to capture the evil Augustus Steranko (Roger Rees), using a plethora of espionage gadgetry. Michael has the time of his life -- until he crosses paths with two assassins (Tom Rack, Carole Davis) who want him dead.

Director: William Dear

Story by: Fred Dekker

Why? Because why not! Open that bottle of wine you keep thinking about and spend a lovely evening with DJ, Matt, Justin and the God that is Richard Grieco. Feast your eyes upon the Grieco and say goodbye to your family, because looks can kill!

(Ep. 111): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: October 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Mon, 29 Oct 2018 23:31:00 +0000

What could be more spooky then a Simplistic Reviews Spooktastic Podcast? Okay so you could just turn on the news which is scary enough.

Today, we bring the Halloween to your ears on the 111th episode of... wait this episode is number 111? So I times 111 by 6... 666!!!, Oh my god Gregory Sestero its the mark of the beast! Damn that's perfect timing or we held off a movie commentary from being released to make a Halloween stupid joke. Nay...not us we aren't that cheesy.

So let's all indulge into some candy, laugh, drink and talk about news and some spooky thoughts we had recently as well make fun of those shitty Hollywood scumbags on this episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

Boooo!

(Ep. 110): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: September 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Tue, 11 Sep 2018 01:05:00 +0000

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast is back from our August break and raring to go. And since we thought the show could use more of a fangirl touch, we got the biggest and best fangirl of them all, Jeanette Ward from The Mundane Adventures Of A Fangirl. And as gracious hosts, we immediately put Ms. Ward in the hot seat during another edition of Questions From The Crowd. The gang also go against their better nature while playing Say Anything. Shane Black, Cardi B Nicki Minaj Beef, and midichlorians...all things discussed on the latest episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES
Ray Liotta Commercial
Nicki Minaj & Cardi B Fight
Glass Noodles
Blockbuster Video

MUSIC
60's Blues Rock Kinda Thing By Aaron Tosti
Gold Medal By Sounds Like Sander
Fast Times Club By Idols

(Ep. 109): Killing American Style - Movie Commentary: September 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Wed, 05 Sep 2018 03:25:00 +0000

Killing American style

1990 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 30m

Well it's not Samurai Cop...

Welcome back to the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary! Today we pop in another Amir Shervan film, Killing American Style. It's the 80's and of course Amir will recycle from his masterpiece Samurai Cop; location, music and beefy men with long beautiful hair. The terrible acting mix with cheesy fight scene is the best part along with its nonexistent script. Killing American Style is no Samurai Cop. It's not as funny nor crazy but still a entertaining film except for one thing - rape.

The amount of creepiness is beyond anything we have seen before. There really isn't a need for rape in a movie, especially when the story line doesn't call for it. A simple walk into the room with the door closing gets it point across, what we get here is out of control and unnecessary. Killing American Style is a fun Sunday film to drink and laugh at, just look at that title. But when your looking for another Samurai Cop don't look at Killing American Style, it's in a league of its own.

(Ep. 108): Uncle Sam - Movie Commentary: July 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 00:52:00 +0000

Uncle Sam

R 1996 ‧ Slasher/Horror ‧ 1h 30m

A Gulf War veteran rises from the dead to wreak vengeance upon unpatriotic residents of his hometown.

Initial release: 1996

Director: William Lustig

Release date: 1996 (Greece)

Budget: 2 million USD

Screenplay: Larry Cohen

Because you asked for it, here it is... Uncle Sam!

The classic blockbuster video rental slasher is a great way to celebrate America's birthday! Nothing like some patriotic killing to make us American hard. Okay children grab that flag and those sparklers, bite into your U.S. grade hamburgers and pop in Uncle Sam...This is Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary!

(Ep. 107): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: July 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 22:39:00 +0000

It's July, so that means it's time for a Summer blowout episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast. We broach many subjects including Star Wars' big problem, Robocop reboots, Chris Hardwick's troubles, and the Naked Gun. Yes...that assortment of subjects has never been collectively tackled before.

Also Justin is put on the hot seat for the new segment 'Questions From The Crowd.'

DJ and Justin go crazy with their love for the television show, '24.' And the boys try and figure out films by their last line in the new game, 'Simplistic Last Lines.' All that and more on this new episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES

Jack & Nina

The End Of Every Episode Of Police Squad

MUSIC

Fast Times Club By Idols

Gold Medal By Sounds Like Sander

4. For Losing It By The Triads

(Ep. 106): Ring of the Musketeers - Movie Commentary: July 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Tue, 03 Jul 2018 16:01:00 +0000

Ring of the Musketeers

PG-13 1992 ‧ Action/Adventure ‧ 1h 26m

As descendants of the original Three Musketeers, Peter Porthos (Thomas Gottschalk), John Smith D'Artagnan (David Hasselhoff) and Anne-Marie Athos (Alison Doody) are continuing the chivalrous tradition of protecting those who can't protect themselves, carrying it into the modern age. Rather than fighting lords and counts, these Musketeers have the Mafia to deal with, but they're aided by reformed burglar Burt Aramis (Cheech Marin), the newly knighted fourth Musketeer.

Initial release: December 1, 1992 (Germany)
Director: John Paragon
Production company: Motion Picture Corporation of America
Screenplay: John Paragon, Joel Surnow
Producers:Brad Krevoy, Steven Stabler

Plug that VHS player back in! It time for some David Hasselhoff! That's right, today we watch the Ring of the Musketeers. A made for TV film that... well... nobody remembers. But when you have a modern day (90's) Musketeers film that has a cast that contains the Hoff, Cheech Marin, Alison Doody, John Rhys-Davies, Corbin Bernsen, Timothy Stack, Ricky Jay and Branscombe Richmond. You pretty much stop whatever you are doing and pop this VHS in.

So fix that tracking and enjoy that mono audio (yes this VHS wasn't in stereo) and repeat, Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno! Because we do this together ladies and gents! This is the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary of Ring of the Musketeers!

(Ep. 105): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: June 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Mon, 11 Jun 2018 22:39:00 +0000

School might be out for summer, but not the Simplistic Reviews Podcast. We are back with special guest Dan "The Comic Book Concierge" Clark from The GeekCast Radio Network and CinemaGeeks Podcast, a couple of call-in friends of ours stop by, and we discuss everything from IHOP changing to IHOB, Hailee Steinfeld having Shape Of Water sex with an Autobot, and of course, the real problem with Hitler...you're gonna have to listen to find out what the hell that means on a brand new episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES
IHOB
David Tyree
Get A Life

MUSIC
Neon Love By Jeff Dale, Gavin Harrison, and Tim Reilly
Five Dollar Bill By Jason Pedder & Ben Ziapour
Midnight Ride By Richard Kimmings & Jason Pedder
Variety Time By Tim Garland

(Ep. 104): Justice League - Movie Commentary: June 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sat, 02 Jun 2018 01:35:00 +0000

Justice League

PG-13 2017 ‧ Fantasy/Science fiction film ‧ 2 hours

Fuelled by his restored faith in humanity, and inspired by Superman's selfless act, Bruce Wayne enlists newfound ally Diana Prince to face an even greater threat. Together, Batman and Wonder Woman work quickly to recruit a team to stand against this newly-awakened enemy. Despite the formation of an unprecedented league of heroes in Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Cyborg and the Flash, it may be too late to save the planet from an assault of catastrophic proportions.

Initial release: November 15, 2017 (Sweden)

Director: Zack Snyder

Initial DVD release: March 13, 2018 (USA)

Box office: 657.9 million USD

Well... like DJ mentioned, we kept going with these damn DCU movie commentaries. We didn't really want to watch JL but we had to get it over with.

But hey it is still better then Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice, that's something right? Don't worry we will get back to the crappy but fun films that include a good old T&A drinking game.

So sit back and enjoy a okay film that's somewhat coherent and looks a ton better then Dawn of Justice. Grab that beer and laugh at the terrible CG... and that laughable mustache removal...man that was horrible.

Oh and we added a new gimmick. Starting with Justice League, after every movie commentary we'll spin a wheel to find out what we watch next. Fun stuff!

Today we took a spin on our new wheel!!!

We spun The Wheel of Doom (TM) a collection of request films by viewers like you!

...and we get something odd. Hint: It involves the Musketeers and David Hasselhoff...yep the HOFF...nothing but fun...

Hey did you know: Justice League is the fourth-most-expensive film ever made. Amazing is it not?! wikipedia.org

(Ep. 103): House 2: The Second Story - Movie Commentary: May 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Wed, 09 May 2018 14:01:00 +0000

House II: The Second Story

PG-13 1987 ‧ Adventure/Horror ‧ 1h 28m

A man (Arye Gross) and his friend (Jonathan Stark) exhume an ancestor (Royal Dano) in the house

where his parents were killed.

Initial release: August 28, 1987

Director: Ethan Wiley

Budget: 3 million USD

Producer: Sean S. Cunningham

Production company: New World Pictures

Well you can't say we don't love you. Today Matt and Justin watch a movie from the Lister requested submissions. Sometimes we find fun and enjoyable films, that ether we never watched or never heard of. But that isn't always the case. Ep. 103 we cross off another one, House 2: The Second Story. A film not watched by the two in a collective 30 plus years. What we found out is its not as good as we once remembered.

House 2 is under the horror genre which is a lie. Eventhough it is a sequel to the 1986 film House, House 2 does not involve the storyline and character from the first film, including the horror feel. House 2 is supernatural fantasy "comedy".

Frankly its a mess of a film. If you haven't already watched the first House then skip this and check House.

(Ep. 102): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: April 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Fri, 06 Apr 2018 14:09:00 +0000

This isn't a joke...the boys are back on the airwaves with another edition of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast...or are they? You be the judge of whether you think they're back or not. I might be telling you here that they are back, but are they truly "back." And if their back, where are they back from? The Future, School, Training, To Back, In Black, Rubs, In The Habit, For The First Time, again, it's up to you to decide...

This month, the shenanigans range to these nincompoops yelling about whether Spielberg or Scorsese did it better, and by IT they mean holding the camera and making millionaires do things on camera, to the merits of Justin actually discovering he's North African and how we can us that to our advantage.

There is also the return of Simplistic Switcharoo where the fellas tackle the big questions of whether Nicolas Cage could be replaced by John Malkovich in Face/Off and after a long a sordid history, Matt might finally come to terms with the concept of Anne Hathaway.

All this, and of course your monthly dose of dick and fart jokes, on The Simplistic Reviews Podcast, if you SMELL.....what THE CROCK.....is cookin'!!

NOTES
Anne 'Cat'haway
ASMR Porn
Nic Cage and Peaches
Macho Madness
Diplomatic Immunity

MUSIC
Neon Love by Jeff Dale, Gavin Harrison and Tim Reilly
Hit the Jackpot by David James
80s Killed The Radio Star by Bobby Cole

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(Ep. 101): Undefeatable - Movie Commentary: Match 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sat, 24 Mar 2018 02:38:00 +0000

Undefeatable

1994 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 35m 4.1/10 · IMDb

The boys of Simplistic Reviews are back! Let's be honest you never believed Ep. 100 was our last... did you? No we can't stop with all these crappy movies out there. Plus the current world we live in needs some terrible grotesque jokes.

So sit back, turn off the lights and enjoy some undefeatable puns...no...they suck...its pretty sad.

Kristi Jones (Cynthia Rothrock) who, along with her gang, take part in Mafia-run street fights to earn money for her sister's college education. Kristi's sister hopes to become a doctor and pay for Kristi's education.

Meanwhile, an underground fighter by the name of "Stingray" (Don Niam) is left by his scared wife, Anna, after raping her, and vows to find her. Stingray has suffered from abandonment issues since early childhood and this new trauma triggers a psychotic break from reality. He begins to kidnap women who resemble his ex-wife, and subsequently tortures them and gouges their eyes out before returning their bodies to the crime scene. Kristi's sister becomes one of the victims, so Kristi tracks down Stingray with the help of police officer Nick DiMarco (John Miller), who might just be falling for her, alongside her sister's psychiatry tutor Jennifer (Donna Jason) and Nick's partner Mike (Gerald Klein).

They eventually track down Stingray, who has kidnapped Jennifer, and fight in a warehouse where he escapes after shooting and killing Mike. Jennifer's injuries, though relatively minor, require that she be admitted to the hospital where she is again kidnapped by Stingray who is impersonating a doctor. Kristi and Nick chase him to a storage area where the three do battle, mostly through hand-to-hand combat. Stingray is bested by the pair, having both eyes gouged out in the process. He's then suspended by the eye-sockets with a meat hook, killing him.

The final scene shows with Kristi and her friends visiting her late sister's resting place to inform her that Stingray has finally been defeated. It is revealed that Kristi has somehow enrolled her former gang in college to give them a chance at a better life, and that Kristi has also been enrolled in college by Nick. The film ends with the group engaging in an impassioned four way high-five.

(Ep. 100): The One Hundredth Simplistic Reviews Podcast: February 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sat, 17 Feb 2018 13:38:00 +0000

It’s here!

No, not your tax return…
No, not another government shutdown…
No, not an actual picture of Venom…

It’s the 100th episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast! We got a guest list so prestigious and respected, it should run for president…please…someone…anyone…run for president. So if you’re going on a short drive on a long road or a long walk off a short pier, stick this in your ear holes and enjoy the bad comedy styling of Matthew Stewart, DJ Valentine, and Justin Polizzi for the 100th time…and then…for the love of God…run for president.

MUSIC

Triumph March By Verdi

Neon Love By Jeff Dale, Gavin Harrison & Tim Reilly

Dark City Beats By John 00 Fleming

Utopia In Peril By Chillout

Plain Jane By Sid Phillips

(Ep. 99): Killer Workout - Movie Commentary: February 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Tue, 06 Feb 2018 19:20:00 +0000

Killer Workout

1987 ‧ 1h 25m

Killer Workout, also known under the original title Aerobicide, is a 1986 American slasher film written and directed by David A. Prior. It stars Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior, and Teresa Van der Woude. Wikipedia

Initial release: 1987

Director: David A. Prior

Screenplay: David A. Prior

Music composed by: Todd Hayen

Producers: David Winters, Marc Winters, Peter Yuval

Its here! You or someone requested it (Request a Movie)

Killer Workout

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Anonymous 1 says - “It’s the best. I can sit all day eating KFC and McD with not worrying about my weight. Everyone says Donald you’re amazing. You look amazing and you’re the best in the world at everything. Do you work out? No I don’t because look at me. I’m amazing. People say and look I know people. People say I’m the best looking they have ever seen. And listen there has been like a few million, maybe a few billion, no one really knows for sure. Scientist have been looking for at least some time now and they don’t know. The Earth is only a couple hundred years old and when people say I’m the best looking that really means something. It true Hilary has to work out. I don’t because look at me. It’s a fact. People tell me these things. This is anonymous right? Okay then my friend here does it too. But I’m the best that’s what my daddy says!”

Us - Wow amazing isn’t it? How does your friend like it?

Anonymous 2 says - “Это лучшее, что говорит г-н Т. Россия никогда не разговаривала с президентом. Я хочу сделать этот факт, как вы говорите. Мы никогда не были в одной комнате вместе, как мы могли бы проводить выборы. Россия ничего не знает о оснащении. Мы считаем, что американская политика ошибается и составляет это. Россия любит, мы любим только. Мы знаем, что Америка нашла много фотографий и доказательств, связывающих Россию с президентом, но все эти фальшивые новости, которые вы знаете? Так что мы едим в том же KFC. Это преступление в вашей стране? Все поддельные новости. Ладно, мне нужно идти. Ты готов Дональд?

Anonymous 1 - “Yes Daddy”

Us – Wait…What…Okay well thanks for telling us how this amazing product known as the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary works for you. Now since we know you will fall in love here is a sample.

(Ep. 98): SR Podcast - January 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Mon, 15 Jan 2018 04:29:00 +0000

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

The boys at Simplistic Reviews are back for a brand new year of hijinks, hilarity, intrigue, and murder...well maybe not that last one. On the January edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the gang not only tries to unravel the mystery of January Jones' secret baby daddy, they also discuss Star Wars, Star Trek, The Crown, The Wire, and the 1991 Macaulay Culkin animated series Wish Kid...yeah...we're still a pretty weird show. The boys also reveal some secrets they're not too proud of in the segment Simply Ashamed. All that, an office search, a porno movie experience and more on a brand new edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast

NOTES
X-Factor
Wish Kid
January Jones Kid Mystery
The Wire's Best Scene
Billy Joel Accident

MUSIC
Sexy By Ben Sound
Ying And Yang By John 00 Fleming
The Croft By Joakim Karud

Check us out on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Letterboxd, and Pinterest

(Ep. 97): Fit To Kill - Movie Commentary: January 2018

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sat, 13 Jan 2018 05:26:00 +0000

Fit to Kill

1993 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 34m

L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents Donna and Nicole, accompany and protect a wealthy Asian businessman and his rare diamond against a sinister international jewel thief.

Release: 1993
Director: Andy Sidaris
Screenplay: Andy Sidaris

There isn't anything to say about this film except it is amazing!

Please...Stop whatever your doing and watch this film now!

Honestly this is one of the best we have ever watched on the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary. It's been awhile and we are glad to come back to the films by Andy Sidaris. What more could you ask for...

Girls!

Guns!

and

G-Strings!

I mean clearly it has everything. And to top it off the movie has one hell of a Bond undertone. Just wait till that we get there. We once again tip our hat to you Mr. Sidaris... Thank you!

P.S. Be on the lookout for a young Kenny Powers

(Ep. 96): Jack Frost 2 - Movie Commentary: December 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sat, 23 Dec 2017 04:18:00 +0000

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

2000 ‧ Slasher/Fantasy ‧ 1h 31m

_____________________________________________________________________________

Sam (Christopher Allport) is traumatized by his experience the previous Christmas, battling Jack Frost (Matt Falletta), a murderous snowman possessed by a serial killer. His wife, Anne (Eileen Seeley), thinks a trip to the tropics will get his mind off the snow, so they pack their bags and head to a resort on an island in the Pacific. Meanwhile, the FBI accidentally resurrects Jack's remains during an experiment. Jack heads to the island, covers it in snow and embarks on another rampage.

Initial release: November 21, 2000

Director: Michael Cooney

Film series: Jack Frost Film Series

Music composed by: Chris Anderson

Screenplay: Michael Cooney

Well to finish off our Holiday Movie Commentaries we decided to dive into Jack Frost 2. There is much to say but watch the first Jack Frost and stop. Jack Frost 2 is not a good bad movie but a bad movie. They forgot the good this time around. So stay warm by that fire place and remember not to eat the yellow snow!

Happy Hanukkah

Merry Christmas

Happy Festivus

Happy New Year

and from us all at Simplistic Reviews thank you for listening and reading! We have big things planned this year we think you will enjoy!

See you next year...

(Ep. 95): Elves - Movie Commentary: December 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 17:27:00 +0000

Elves

1989 ‧ Drama/Horror ‧ 1h 29m

_________________________________________________________________________________

A department-store Santa Claus (Dan Haggerty) discovers a Neo-Nazi plot to mate a nice girl (Julie Austin) with an elf in Colorado.

Release date: October 24, 1989

Director: Jeffrey Mandel

Screenplay: Jeffrey Mandel

Music composed by: Vladimir Horunzhy

Production company: Action International Pictures

That time of the year is back when the gang sits around and watches nothing but terrible holiday themed movies.

Today is not only our first appearance of Dan Haggerty here at Simplistic Reviews but also a ending for a movie that flabbergasted DJ. I suppose this would already be enough for a Movie Commentary but nope...that's not all. We also have a homeless department store Santa investigating a modern-day Neo-Nazi plot to finally bring about the master race that Hitler had always dreamed of.

Instead of a race of pure-blood Aryans, it is revealed that Hitler dreamed of a race of half-human/half-elf hybrids.

Yep... what a movie everyone. So grab that egg nog and sit back, things are about to get weird.

Merry Christmas!

P.S. Enjoy the Elves because next week is a cold one set on a tropical island. Try not to question it.

(Ep. 94): SR Podcast - December 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 07:23:00 +0000

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

On this early holiday addition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys discuss all the Hollywood news they missed while on Thanksgiving break during an edition of Can You Dig It. They also review everything from The Punisher to Vice Principals during TV Roundup. They even get to try out some new impressions during the game Simply Quotable…and all this is bookended by Justin’s attempt to cancel a gift basket he bought from Costco…yes really. All that, a new trailer spoof, and some underhanded shots at Matt Lauer on this Season’s Greetings episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES
Vince McMahon Buys WCW

DC Execs Rush Justice League for bonuses

Amazon Lord Of The Rings

MUSIC
By The Croft By Joakim Karud

Road Trip By Joakim Karud

Utopia In Peril By Chillout

Chill Out Soul Rap By Nkato

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(Ep. 93): Killer Klowns from Outer Space - Movie Commentary: October 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Mon, 30 Oct 2017 18:00:00 +0000

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

PG-13 ‧ 1988 ‧ Science fiction film/Cult film ‧ 1h 28m

When teenagers Mike (Grant Cramer) and Debbie (Suzanne Snyder) see a comet crash outside their sleepy small town, they investigate and discover a pack of murderous aliens who look very much like circus clowns. They try to warn the local authorities, but everyone assumes their story is a prank. Meanwhile, the clowns set about harvesting and eating as many people as they can. It's not until they kidnap Debbie that Mike decides it's up to him to stop the clowns' bloody rampage.
Release date: May 20, 1988 (USA)

What could be better then watching some Killer Klowns this Halloween!? Well with the Simplistic Reviews crew! Join us as we watch a movie that was made to be wacky and goof, yet its still better then half the shit that comes out today! So grab that frankenberry! Pour some of that Halloween themed choice of beer because... this Movie Commentary is gonna scare your socks off!

(Ep. 92): SR Podcast - October 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Tue, 17 Oct 2017 23:07:00 +0000

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

On this October episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, Matthew takes the reigns and guides us on a spooky journey which takes us from Harvey Weinstein, to Tyrese & Rock beefs, to Rush Hour sequels. The boys play the game where crossdressing is totally allowed, What Are You Supposed to be, and we all try to figure out the name of the black guy who hosted Nick Arcade. All that and more on a terror-filled edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast!

NOTES

The Rock v Tyrese

Deathsalker

Justice League Trailer

Pacific Rim Trailer

MUSIC
The Thing Theme by John Carpenter

The Great Pumpkin Soundtrack by Vince Guaraldi

Gremlins Theme by Jerry Goldsmith

Beetlejuice Theme by Danny Elfman

Halloween Theme by Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross

Psycho Killer by Talking Heads

Killer Klowns From Outer Space Theme by The Dickies

Savin' The Day by Alessi

The Shining Theme by Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind

(Ep. 91): Samurai Cop - Movie Commentary: September 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sat, 30 Sep 2017 15:00:00 +0000

Samurai Cop

1991 ‧ Crime film/Thriller ‧ 1h 36m

Play trailer on YouTube

Release date:January 1, 1989 (USA)

Director:Amir Shervan

Screenplay: Amir Shervan

Film series: Samurai Cop Film Series

Well we know how to pick them don't we? Movie Commentary is back but this time with MORE ACTION! MORE BABES AND MORE INCREDIBLE LINE READING!

What the hell is Samurai Cop? You may be asking... Well according to Google it's about ...

But according to IMDB...

Samurai Cop follows Joe Marshall and Frank Washington who are police detectives assigned to stop the ruthless activities of the Katana a renegade Yakuza gang composed of violent and sadistic killers! All they want want to lead the drug trade in Los Angeles.

Then again... since we live in a world of fake news and fake facts its honestly entirely up to debate. But we here at Simplistic Reviews say, "Samurai Cop is a classic on so many levels!"

Everyone hold on this one gets kinda weird but then again it was the early 90's.

Here we go, this is Samurai Cop!

(Ep. 90): SR Podcast - September 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sun, 03 Sep 2017 21:45:00 +0000

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

Hello friends and soon-to-be enemies! Since its Labor Day Weekend, the gang at Simplistic Reviews thought it would be a great time to get back to work. But it wasn't all fun and games on our Summer break. The fellas got a brand new studio...a brand new intern...and brand new ideas to pollute your brain with...like a sitcom about Hitler and Eva Braun or the craziest idea for a Bridesmaids sequel you'll ever hear. In between that Matt, Justin, and DJ tackle some of the topics they missed and prepare for nuclear winter from either North Korea or our own government while staving off ignored but still rampant national racism; institutional or otherwise...FUN FUN FUN! But mainly they use obscenities to take out everything from The Dark Tower, to a Joker stand alone film, to Brett Ratner. All this and more on an Always Sunny episode of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

0:00:00 Opening Skit
0:03:50 Show Monologue
0:8:43 Simplistic Showcase
0:36:55 TV Round Up
1:05:34 Kill F%$k Marry
1:32:21 Closing Skit

MUSIC

Action In Memphis By Johnny Pearson

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Theme
Cocaine Model By ZHU

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(Ep. 89): Gymkata - Movie Commentary: August 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 16:46:00 +0000

Gymkata

1985 ‧ R ‧ Action/Action/Adventure ‧ 1h 30m

(Trailer) YouTube

It's that time of the year again, August. The month we all hated as it was the end of our summer vacation and the beginning of back to school. So a little treat is needed and what could be better then Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas, who combines his gymnastic ability with martial arts to enter a deadly competition? I'm going to guess NOTHING!. Thomas has a few awards under his leotards. In 1985 he earned the big nomination for a Razzie Award as Worst New Star. Wow nothing but the best for you here at Simplistic Reviews.

"Watching Gymkata is a roundhouse kick of pure American action!" - Justin

So are you ready? Cue up your copy, sit back and be in awe over how a movie like this could even exist. Thank you movie gods!

(Ep. 88): SR Podcast - July 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 12:54:00 +0000

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

When this show gets to 88 episodes, you're gonna hear some serious shit! On the July edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys tackle everything from Back To The Future to Judge Dredd. Justin is in the driver's seat for Word Association and tells his Steve Guttenberg story, DJ is forced to say something nice about Transformers: The Last Knight, Matt talks Castlevania Netflix 5000 on TV Roundup, and the boys take a break for the show to do a live commentary track on a television show in honor the great Adam West in a new segment called Simply Goofing Off. (Watch Along With Them With The Following Link: SIMPLY GOOFING OFF.) All that and more on a time traveling episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

0:00:00 Opening Skit
0:03:54 Show Monologue
0:12:09 Word Association
0:43:28 TV Round Up
0:53:27 Simply Goofing Off
1:16:58 Simply Say Anything

MUSIC

Power Of Love By Huey Lewis And The News

Back In Time By Huey Lewis And The News

Goof Troop

I Dream Of Jeanie Remix

By The Croft By Joakim Karud

Cocaine Model By ZHU

Check us out on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Letterboxd, and Pinterest

(Ep. 87): Thunder in Paradise - Movie Commentary: June 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sun, 02 Jul 2017 21:59:00 +0000

Thunder in Paradise

1993 ‧ Adventure ‧ 1h 44m

With all of the remakes coming out these days we figured doing Thunder in Paradise would help our chances of getting Hurricane Spencer and Bru back on the waters kicking ass on silver screen, or maybe not.

Terry "Hulk" Hogan stars as R. J. "Hurricane" Spencer who is an ex-Navy S. E. A. L. and confirmed bachelor struggling to make ends meet. In order to save his superboat THUNDER (and ultimately, his business) Spencer is forced into a marriage of convenience with the snobby Megan Whitaker. When Megan gets kidnapped it's up to Spencer and his partner Bru to save the day or risk losing everything.

Well today is the perfect day to release this action packed movie commentary. With July 4th days away, this holiday weekend we thought, what could be more American then ex-Navy SEALS saving the day off the Florida coastline?

Answer? NOTHING...Thunder in Paradise it is!

So join us this holiday along with classical trained actor (and def not racist) Hulk Hogan and America's 2nd favorite Lemmon.

Hell even the "President" was excited for this Movie Commentary! Happy 4th everyone!

(Ep. 86): SR Podcast - May 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Tue, 30 May 2017 02:25:00 +0000

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

Oh what a time to be alive! That's what we keep hearing. And yes, it's true, it is quite a time to be alive when you get to listen to another edition of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast. Because, boy, let me tell you what, this one is a real doozy!

DJ, Justin, and Matt cover it all with their monthly news roundup that runs the gamet of nonsense to non-sensical.

And if you thought we liked fighting last month, wait until you get a load of "Simplistic Switcharoo." This time around, these Simplistic Scamps yammer on about who in Hollywood would do the other jobs better. We know you guys and gals have all fantasized about who would do our job better. Right? I mean imagine Betty White, Paula Deen, and Pat Sajak doing what we're doing...just imagine it...and imagine us on the "Golden Girl," cooking a fatty Southern racist meal, and giving the eyes to Vanna White...IMAGINE IT!

That, and we say hello to our PornHub resident scientist; PornHub Snooty Scientist, in what MAY be our last podcast ever....spoiler alert....it's not. Oh, and a conversation on Air Bud: Ninja Dog. May is go fetch....get it....we'll see ourselves out...

NOTES
Tom Hardy as Venom
Air Bud Rocks
Top Gun 2
Armond White Loves Baywatch

MUSIC

The Hell Raisers by Syd Dale
Cocaine Model By ZHU

Check us out on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Letterboxd, and Pinterest

(Ep. 85): Deadly Prey - Movie Commentary: April 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Thu, 20 Apr 2017 17:00:00 +0000

Deadly Prey

1987 ‧ Drama/Action ‧ 1h 28m

In Vietnam, he was the best... He still is!

You've requested it, We watched it!

Deadly Prey is a fun film no doubt about that, might not be great film but boy is this a stupid fun time of a watch. So put on those short shorts, grab a duby and lets do some killing!

Colonel Hogan is a ruthless former military officer who trains a large group of former U.S. Servicemen as mercenaries by having them hunt down and kill people they abduct off the streets of Los Angeles. Hogan's greedy financier Michaelson threatens Hogan to speed up the men's training or he will pull the plug on Hogan's training camp. However, Hogan and his men meet their match when their latest kidnap victim turns out to be a tough gung-ho marine named Mike Danton who despite being unarmed and hunted, he manages to decimate Hogan's men in detail. Frustrated Hogan, his tough right-hand man Thornton and personal assistant Sybil kidnap Danton's wife Jaimy to force him in the open, while Jaimy's retired police detective father tries to track down her and Danton who finds an unlikely ally in the form of a former marine buddy named Cooper who wants to help him take on all of Hogan's men. (IMDB)

Simply Drinking: Take a drink of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time someone sneaks up on another person.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FACEBOOK | TWITTER | INSTAGRAM

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(Ep. 84) SR Podcast - April 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Mon, 03 Apr 2017 05:23:00 +0000

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

April Fools...this isn't really a podcast post....... so here's a picture of a Ryan Gosling eating cereal.

.....just kidding....maybe...but i mean just look at that sexy guy eating that cereal.

This month we make our grand return with all sorts of goodies. The fellas belly up to the bar to talk the news and their life failures in "What's On Tap."

We're also in the fighting mood this month and the only way to settle that is another round of "Simplistic Fisticuffs."

All this, mail order bride talk, trying to remember what the Street Sharks ever did for us, cross-dressing, and all shorts of April shenanigans on The Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES

The Bear in The Edge

Street Sharks Opening

Lee Tamahori's Fun Time

Belloq is Pimpin'

Batgirl Movie

Iron Fisting

MUSIC

Tears in the Rain by Vangelis

End Titles by Vangelis

The Hell Raisers by Syd Dale
Cocaine Model By ZHU

Check us out on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Letterboxd, and Pinterest

(Ep. 83): SR Podcast - February 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sun, 12 Feb 2017 22:47:00 +0000

It's been a long time, we shouldn't have left you, without a podcast to step to....step to, step to...you get it; it's like that Aaliyah song.

We gave you a movie commentary to quench that junkie's thirst for our imminent return, but nothing can prepare you for this month's podcast that is sure to give you heart palpitations.

From the sultry tones of Al Pacino as he talks nipple clamps and spankings...to us wagering our souls, dignity and enthusiasm on 2017 films...and of course we have a game for you, because we love you so very much.

We return with "Hey Fuckhead," where we tear apart those in Hollywood that really piss...us...off, here's a hint; he's a world leader who probably has a tiny wiener...take that as you may.

Just in time for Valentine's Day, the newest Simplistic Reviews podcast. Body harnesses and ball gags not included.

NOTES
World War Z
Jimmy Fallon & Alec Baldwin
Green Lantern Shortlist

MUSIC

Cocaine Model By ZHU

By The Croft By Joakim Karud

What Time Is It By General Crook

Check us out on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Letterboxd, and Pinterest

(Ep. 82): Savage Beach - Movie Commentary: January 2017

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Wed, 01 Feb 2017 00:43:00 +0000

1989 | Action | 92 min

Ready for a trip to Savage Beach?

Come and enjoy beautiful our water

Wine and dine with at the island's number 1 restaurant.

And come see the last of what the 80's have to offer in Andy Sidaris'...

Savage Beach

TRAILER

Ladies and Gentlemen WE ARE BACK!

THE WOMEN!

THE GUNS!

THE OVER THE TOP CRAZIEST ACTION SCENES!

Ah... 2017 is going to be a good year! All new 90's Andy Sidaris' Films to watch. Honestly what more could you want?!

Shit...I just remembered...the 90's sucked and the world is in turmoil. Oh well let's enjoy what we have left then.

Drug agents Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) crash-land on a remote island, rumored to have a gold treasure. Treasure isn't the only thing on this island, war-gold seekers searching for their gold will do anything for riches.

Initial release: 1989

Director: Andy Sidaris

Screenplay: Andy Sidaris

Music composed by: Gary Stockdale

(Ep. 81): Year End Wrap Up Mini Show - December 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sat, 31 Dec 2016 11:00:00 +0000

This is it guys and girls, the end of an era! The piece of shit known as 2016 is dead. 2016 was nothing but a douche to us all. Think about it, all horrible and horrific stuff. Don't believe me? Fine. Let me ask you, name one thing that was good about 2016?

Still waiting...

Anything?

Yeah we feel you. So to end the year and ring in a new one we have a Mini End of the Year Wrap Up Show! A podcast that wraps up the shitty year of movies into a bite size appetizer to welcome in 2017!

Thank you everyone who has listened this year. We appreciate your support and we have a lot planned for 2017.

"I know it was you, 2016. You broke my heart. You broke my heart."

(Ep. 80): Silent Night, Deadly Night: Part 2 - Movie Commentary: December 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 18:00:00 +0000

Merry Christmas! From Simplistic Reviews

Silent Night, Deadly Night: Part 2

1987 ‧ R‧ Drama/Slasher ‧ 1h 28min

Trailer

The sequel picks up on Christmas Eve some years after the first movie, with Ricky Caldwell, the 18-year-old brother of the first film's killer, now being held in a mental hospital, awaiting trial for a series of murders that he committed. While being interviewed by the psychiatrist Dr. Henry Bloom, Ricky tells the story of the murders his brother Billy committed throughout a series of several flashbacks using footage from the original film. These flashbacks have new shots to make Ricky appear in more of Billy's original story.

To say Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is a good movie is an understatement. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is the greatest movie ever! Come on this is a fun movie to watch. You really have to give it to the team for making a 1hr 30min movie off a 30 page script. Yes I'm somewhat joking, but let's be honest this movie is freaking fun to watch. Every year people watch A Christmas Story or Christmas Vacation for Christmas but I watch Silent Night, Deadly Night 1 and 2. A Christmas Slasher is always a good time.

So this Christmas grab that eggnog and a bowl of that chocolate covered popcorn. Sit down next to that warm fire and lets watch Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2!

(Ep. 79): Suicide Squad - Extended Cut - Movie Commentary: December 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sun, 11 Dec 2016 22:21:00 +0000

Suicide Squad - Extended Cut

2 hours, 14 minutes

Seriously? Yes I don't know why but we did another WB extended-we-don't-give-you-the-full-movie-the-first-time-cut.

What to say about a poorly made film. I mean a 8 year old with iMovie could do a better editing job.

And I feel bad for bringing the 8 year old this luckluster piece of crap.

DJ says it the best. "This is the biggest disappointment of the year".

So we know you really do not want to watch this film again but hell we gave it a try. So this Sunday Funday Movie Night lets give it a GO!

All Board the WB shitliner one more time!

This time the

S. S. We fooled you again...HAHAHA (Shitty Joker laugh)

Don't worry, this time we have Ted Lange as Your Bartender!

Suicide Squad

It feels good to be bad...Assemble a team of the world's most dangerous, incarcerated Super Villains, provide them with the most powerful arsenal at the government's disposal, and send them off on a mission to defeat an enigmatic, insuperable entity. U.S. intelligence officer Amanda Waller has determined only a secretly convened group of disparate, despicable individuals with next to nothing to lose will do. However, once they realize they weren't picked to succeed but chosen for their patent culpability when they inevitably fail, will the Suicide Squad resolve to die trying, or decide it's every man for himself?

A secret government agency, led by the ruthless, high-ranking official Amanda Waller, recruits some of the most dangerous, incarcerated villains on the planet to execute dangerous black ops missions and save the world from a potentially apocalyptic threat from a mysterious, supernatural entity. If anything goes wrong on this mission, the government will not be liable but rather can place the blame on the villains, who are inherently evil people. A small bomb is implanted in each member of the squad's neck with the capability of detonating any time one of the members tries to rebel or escape. It will be up to this assembled team of villains to prevail over the seemingly impossible events that will unfold before them, in what many deem to be a "suicide mission".

(Ep. 78): SR Podcast - November 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 01:28:00 +0000

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

On this Thanksgiving episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys talk about turkey and Donald Trump...A Minecraft movie and Donald Trump...Shelley Duvall and Donald Trump and who would win in a fight between Dracula and the Wolfman...oh and we also genuflect to our new Presidential overlord Donald J. Drumpf...all that and more on a turkey day episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast. And that wasn't a typo, by the way. Donald Trump's real name is Drumpf...these are facts.

NOTES
Al Bundy Fights
Wolfman's Got Nards

All Your Base Are Belong To Us
Chickens Have Come Home To Roost

MUSIC
Hail To The Chief
The Incredible Hulk Theme By Daniel Caine Orchestra
Beast Atoms By L-Beazt
Sharp Minds By L-Beazt
Cocaine Model By ZHU
By The Croft By Joakim Karud

Check us out on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Letterboxd, and Pinterest

(Ep. 77): SR Podcast - October 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 15:29:00 +0000

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

On this spooktacular Halloween episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys discuss everything that goes bump in the night...from Deadpool director woes to a Captain Planet film from Leo. Matthew solves the mystery that is the Madea films. And the boys try to guess each other's Halloween costumes in a segment we're calling What Are You Supposed To Be. All that and more on this pumpkin spice latte version of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.
NOTES
Madea film
Westworld
John Phillips
Pitch
Captain Planet by Leo

MUSIC
Halloween Theme by John Carpenter
It's The Great Pumpkin Waltz by Vince Guaraldi
Who Can It Be Now by Men At Work

Check us out on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Letterboxd, and Pinterest

(Ep.76): Child's Play 2 - Movie Commentary: Oct 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 17:00:00 +0000

Child's Play 2

Play trailer on YouTube

1990 ‧ Slasher/Thriller ‧ 1h 24m

Movie Commentary Friday! (Is that a thing?)

Hey everyone! Welcome to another Movie Commentary. Halloween is creeping up on us so we're continuing with some more movies about murdering. Only this time its a grown man trapped into the workings of a children's doll. (Cue Disney themed music)

Whats that?! Another bloody movie commentary that involves children? Yeah we know. Listen we didn't plan this out, it was purely random. But hey guess what? Luck is on our side because Child's Play 2 is a million times better then that last one, especially in story structure.

So sit back and watch out for that old toy you forgot about in your closet. You know the one that you witness a man doing black magic on when Dad and you went to the bank that one time. Sure you remember, don't you? You know when the cops came and shot up the place? And as he pulled his bullet riddled-bloody body, he knew the only way to live was to transport his soul into your favorite toy?

No...why would you...that was me.

(Ep. 75): Beware! Children at Play - Movie Commentary: October 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Fri, 07 Oct 2016 23:00:00 +0000

Welcome to another Friday Night Family Movie Night!

Beware! Children at Play

1hr 34mins | Horror | 1989

Well that happened...

DJ and Justin just watched Beware Children at Play. And...Well...It's not so great. It is a slow boring movie that only picks up right at the end. Sure the topic of murdering demoniac crazy children is a fun idea to use in a movie but if you don't do anything with it then its pretty lousy. Hopefully the movie next time is a bit more enjoyable to watch, because even though this trailer looked amazing, the final product was just lame.

CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Ep. 75 with Movie Background

Ep. 75 without Movie Background

(Ep. 74): SR Podcast - September 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Mon, 12 Sep 2016 09:16:00 +0000

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

This month's show is themed around the genius of the late and great Gene Wilder. As we honor his legacy, we create our very own film monstrosities with a new segment called, "Frankenstein's Monster." Think soap in pillow cases and jackets with scorpions on the back...

We also "blaze" our own saddles and whip out some news in "Excuse Me While I Whip This Out." All this, and antics galore on The Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES

Taylor and the Loki-poki stick

The Devil in Ms. Jones

Joe Mangenello as Slade Wilson

Wonka's Tunnel of Love

Scooby Dax Shepard Doo

Halle Berry's Call

The Passing of a Wilder One

MUSIC

Let It Happen By Tame Impala

Blazing Saddles Theme

Young Frankenstein Lullaby

Springtime for Hitler

World of Pure Imagination

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(Ep. 73): Friday the 13th Part III - Movie Commentary: August 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Tue, 16 Aug 2016 21:13:00 +0000

Friday the 13th Part III

1982 | Slasher | 1hr 35min

Welcome to the first ever 3D Podcast! How is a audio only podcast in 3D? We have no idea...

Requested by Bradley Taylor,

Friday the 13th Part III once again follows murderer Jason Voorhees, who as a child drowned off the waters of Camp Crystal Lake. Is there anyone that can put an end to Jason's murderous rampage?

Friday the 13th Part III is a 1982 American 3D slasher film directed by Steve Miner and the third installment in the Friday the 13th film series. Originally released in 3-D, it is the first film to feature antagonist Jason Voorhees wearing his signature hockey mask, which has become a trademark of both the character and franchise, as well an icon in American cinema and horror films in general. As a direct sequel to Friday the 13th (1980) and Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), the film follows a group of co-eds on vacation at a house on Crystal Lake, where Jason Voorhees has taken refuge. (IMDB)

(Ep. 72): SR Podcast - August 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Thu, 04 Aug 2016 15:04:00 +0000

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

On this August edition of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys come back from their vacation and catch up with what they missed. JD Duran from Insession Film joins them for a game of Word Association and a brand new game called Simplistic Submarine. The entire Insession family also helps the boys with their ode to Jason Bourne. Yo-Ho-Ho mateys! All that and more on this episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES
Dr. Strange Trailer
Wonder Woman Trailer
Justice League Trailer
Blair Witch Trailer
Kong Skull Island Trailer
Rocketeers
Fantastic Beasts Trailer
Hacksaw Ridge Trailer

MUSIC
Let It Happen By Tame Impala
1976 By RJD2
I Dream Of genie Remix
Chronos By Hi-Finesse

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(Ep. 71): Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice - Ultimate Edition - Movie Commentary: July 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 14:00:00 +0000

Batman V Superman

2016 | Superhero | 181 minutes

Today on this 4th of July we fight a 3hr war, one we thought we would lose. But we made it through all 3hrs of Zack Snyder's poor choices to bring you another Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary. We're sure you have better things to do today. Drink and Eating come to mind. But the time may come when you must watch that

Batman V Superman

Dawn of Justice

Ultimate Edition

Extended Cut

Collectors Edition

Movie Commentary

Christ that's a mouthful. Then lets watch it together. A army of one. A uprising to be independent from unbelievable plot holes in a $250 million dollar movie. I mean it's crazy to think these people are professionals and still somehow find work.

So remember young ones. You don't need to jam 10 pounds of shit into a 5 pound bag. Fill up that first bag with all that needed shit and grab another 5 pound bag to finish stuffing that shit. Because having two bags of shit is okay, not one overstuffed bag of shit with plot holes throughout its 3hr run time is okay. Shit boys and girl, that just doesn't fly!

(Ep. 70): Picasso Trigger - Movie Commentary: June 2016

contact@simplisticreviews.net (DJ Valentine - Matthew Stewart - Justin Polizzi) — Fri, 24 Jun 2016 20:25:00 +0000

Picasso Trigger

1988 | Action | 1hr 39mins

It's Friday! So we thought another

Movie Commentary was in order!

Continuing our marathon of the one and only Andy Sidaris. If this is your first time, Sidaris is the king of B-Rated films that pretty much only contains the 3 elements any film really ever needs Bullets, Babes and Sex!

Today we let lose on Picasso Trigger, another solid entry into the Sidaris legacy.

"Double agent Picasso Trigger is assassinated in Paris by double-crossing bad guy Miguel Ortiz. Then Ortiz begins eliminating agents of The Agency who were involved in his brother's death. The Agency (belatedly) springs into action to stop Ortiz' heinous activities. The usual gunplay, romance, and nifty toys with bombs ensue."

So grab a cold one and get ready for a thrill of a lifetime, because kids this is...

Picasso Trigger!