Bike Snob NYC

Out of the Loop: Basking in Victory, Basting in Oil

2012-05-29T11:55:00.001-04:00

Until a couple of weeks ago I was traveling extensively in order to promote my second book, "Smilla's Sense of Snow." If you've ever had to travel for work, you know how stressful it can be. I, on the other hand, have no idea how stressful it can be, because I don't have a real job. Instead, traveling for a non-job means I've officially lost my grasp on the few remaining tethers that anchored me to the semblance of a respectable existence, and I now float aimlessly through life like a distracted zeppelin. Grooming, for example, is but a memory, and I now look and smell like a forgotten garment you might come across at the bottom of a long-neglected laundry hamper. (Perhaps because that's where I've been finding my own outfits lately. My philosophy is that if you can't remember the last time you wore it then it's technically clean.) Concepts like "time" and "appointments" are now just meaningless constructs. And I've also like totally lost track of the sport of professional bicycle cycling.

I certainly have no regrets when it comes to abandoning lame stuff like "haircuts" and "being on time," but I do lament the fact I haven't been following pro bi-keen. In particular, I seem to have completely missed a hum-doozy of an Italian Giro, which I'm the last to learn was won by ~~Rider Hejedal~~ ~~Ryder Heyjadahl~~ ~~Winonadal Ryder~~ this guy:

Words can't adequately express how elated I am that this, the greatest of all the Italian Giro Tours, was won by an American cyclist from the United States of America. That's why, in lieu of words, I prefer to convey my swollen sense of national pride by means of this video, which features a dead drug addict singing some song about a star-fangled bandana:

In retrospect, that sweatsuit was a desperate cry for help. (As, arguably, are all sweatsuits.)

Anyway, this is a great moment in sporting history, and to find another American from the United States of American Giro of Italy winner you have to go all the way back to 1930 and Luigi Marchisio:

("Howdy, partner.")

A good ole boy from the Texas bayou, this Amish Shaker Mennonite parlayed a hardscrabble life as an Orchard Street kosher pushcart vendor during the waning days of the Wild West into a career as one of the finest professional cyclists the state of Philadelphia has ever produced.

Yes, they just don't make 'em like Luigi Marchisio anymore. After him, they broke the mold--or, more accurately, they sold it to a factory in Taiwan and now use it to stamp out $10,000 clumps of plastic called "S-Works."

Meanwhile, in other Giro news that I missed but everybody else already knows about, a guy clad only in his underpants wound up with his very own Farnese Vini team bike:

The above video was forwarded to me by a reader, and from what I can see he was helping out with a wheel change:

After which the team car just drove off and left Underpants with the bike.

By the way, I shouldn't have to remind you what kind of bikes Farnese Vini ride:

(Cipollini showing his "O" face.)

It's a cosmic inevitability that if you wander around Italy wearing only your underpants, sooner or later you're going to end up alone with a Cipolli.

Speaking of Cipollini bikes, this is not just some sort of rubber-stamp branding exercise like so many other bike companies created by former pros. No, Cipollini is so "hands-on" that most of his employees have already filed restraining orders, and his bikes use proprietary technology developed by "The Layin' King" himself. For example, it's long been known that Mario Cipollini's profoundly oily complexion was a key factor in his speed, and that's why each Cipollini bike is lovingly hand-basted straight from the factory:

(After this come the breadcrumbs.)

I'm also assuming Cipollini himself came up with the corporate slogan:

("The Champion, The Power, His Tool")

Which he obviously "borrowed" from this:

Though it's certainly better than the second choice, which was "What's Italian, slathered in oil, and won't be there in the morning?" And while we're on the subject of rhetorical questions, what's the complete opposite of a Mario Cipollini?

This is true for many reasons, not least of which being that David Byrne doesn't own a car, whereas Mario Cipollini not only owns a car but also does unspeakable things to passengers in its back seat. Byrne is also highly unlikely to start his own crabon bicyle company, for, as he tells the New York Times, he much prefers the communal smugness of bike share:

As well as the "exhilaration" of in-line skating:

There’s an exhilaration you get from self-propelled transportation — skateboarding, in-line skating and walking as well as biking;

Incidentally, here's David Byrne Rollerblading:

This is a familiar sight on the West Side Greenway--or it would be if most people who encounter it aren't so horrified that they then leap into the Hudson River to their deaths.

Also, Byrne explains that New York's bike share program will be accessible to people of all races and income levels--but only by accident:

New York’s program will have some advantages over the Paris and London programs. New York’s high-rise housing projects are scattered throughout the city, so neither they nor their inhabitants will be excluded from the covered bike-share program area. The ugly tendency to segregate by race and class will be, in a small way, mitigated here. By bikes!

Really, this is a major issue here in New York. Sure, we do our very best to only provide cycling amenities to the forces of gentrification, but the problem is that they're never all that far from the other people they recently displaced.

By far though my favorite part of this piece was the feeling of smug satisfaction I experienced when David Byrne actually used a term I created:

I rode down the protected bike lane on Ninth Avenue; it’s definitely a lot more relaxing to ride in these than it is to negotiate naked New York streets, though you do have to watch out for salmon-cyclists who ride against the flow of traffic.

Yep, that's right, I coined the expression "negotiate naked."

Speaking of being naked, do you feel that way if certain parts of your bicycle don't match certain other parts, or if they match other parts but not the right other parts? Well, if you answered "Of course not" then you'll be as baffled by this item in the latest "Bicycling" as I was:

I was still trying to work out whether or not the above was satire when I read this at the bottom of the very same page and decided that it was:

"Two layers of bar tape at the end of each drop creates a tactile signal that alerts you when your hands are getting close to the end of the bar."

If you're the sort of rider who needs a "color code" and who depends on "tactile signals" to keep you from grabbing thin air instead of your handlebars, then you may want to give up cycling and explore the "exhilaration" of in-line skating instead. Or, you could just get your bike "professionally assembled," like this one which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Giordano Libero Men's Road Bike - $400 (Potomac, Rockville, Bethesda, NIH)
Date: 2012-05-27, 9:56PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

100% Positive. No scratches. Brand New, professionally assembled 25-inch Men's Road Bike.
Test ride for 15 miles. Gear shifts smoothly.
Unfortunately, I'm moving back to California, so I must sell this recently bought bike soon.
Welling to negotiate a better price.

Scoff if you will, but it does adhere to the "color code" chart, which means it passes muster as far as "Bicycling" is concerned.

Of course, if this bicycle is too flashy for you, you could also get a more classic ride, like this one which was forwarded to me by another reader and is "made from parts:"

If your bike is made from anything, it should definitely be parts.

BSNYC Friday Cursory Visual Inspection!

2012-05-25T12:21:00.000-04:00

If you're reading this from some other country, you should know that here in America we're about to begin the Memorial Day weekend. This means that on Monday we'll all be busy barbecuing and enjoying big, big savings at Memorial Day sales and generally failing to share the road with each other in the usual fashion. It also means that I won't be posting on Monday, May 28th, but I'll be back on Tuesday the 29th with my usual mix of naked pictures, irascible commentary, and delicious casserole recipes. (And probably also a severe sunburn.)

Of course, if you're reading this from some other country, like France, you're not going to miss me on Monday anyway since you're probably too busy watching stuff like this:

The above video was forwarded to me by a reader, and I particularly enjoyed the "fixie weigh-off:"

Though for cinema fixité it's hard to beat this sweet New York City "edit" (forwarded by another reader) that I suspect may have been directed by M. Night Shyamalan:

I'd hate to spoil the surprise ending, but HOLY CRAP THE GUY WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!!!

This profoundly chilling and evocative film gave me the chills, though admittedly they were mostly "douche chills."

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it, and if you're wrong you'll see some post-ride recovery advice.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your Memorial Day vegetarian barbecues taste only slightly of cardboard.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

("The Levi Effect:" Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery After Watching)

1) According to the producers of "The Levi Effect," when they approached their subject about making a documentary his response was: "Really, you think so? I dunno, man, I think I'm kinda boring."

--True
--False

(Dave Zabriskie explaining to Levi Leipheimer that, if you grow a zany moustache, people will mistake your boring personality for laconic cool.)

2) Levi Leipheimer is kinda boring.

--True
--False

3) According to "Bicycling" magazine, the most bike-friendly city in the United States is:

--Minneapolis, MN
--Portland, OR
--Davis, CA
--Vancouver, BC

4) According to the League of American Bicyclists, the most bike-friendly state in the United States is:

--Washington
--Oregon
--Minnesota
--Canada

(Might as well just use this.)

5) According to a recent study, use of chamois cream can lead to breast development in males.

--True
--False

6) Which is not a selling point for the above bicycle?

--IT IS KEEPER IN MY ROOM FOR 6 YEARS
--IS IN MIND CONDICTION
--HAVE VERY SMALL SCRASHES
--IT IS HAVE MADE ONLY SMALL CONTACTS WITH MINE SCRANOUS

(Remember fixies?)

"Because the constant rotation of the pedals encourages you to have a better rhythm and flow while you ride, I feel that the bike is more of an extension of my body than I do with a geared bike," Guity says. Without the ability to coast or stop quickly, riders must anticipate their moves well in advance, relying on a complex technique of leaning forward onto the handlebars and skidding the back wheel.

7) The article in which the above passage appeared was published in what year?

--1988
--1998
--2007
--2012

***Special Perils-Of-English-Cycle-Touring-Themed Bonus Question***

When cycling in the tranquil Cotswolds countryside, beware of:

--Dogs
--Sheep
--Budgies
--Furious ninja women

"Right," Said Fred: Footloose and Jersey-Free

2012-05-24T12:27:00.003-04:00

In yesterday's post, I suggested one should not wear the "mayo jaune" of the Tour of France race leader unless one is in fact the Tour of France race leader. I would now like to retract that statement. The fact is that wearing any jersey--even one reserved exclusively for the most bestest cyclists in the world--is vastly preferable to wearing no jersey at all:

In the world of roadie fashion, there's Fred and then there's Right Said Fred, and this particular look is distinctly the latter.

There is one exception to the "any jersey is better than no jersey" rule though, and that is of course classic Primal Wear:

The above jersey was of course a part of Primal's wildly popular "Lophiiformes" series, because nothing goes together quite as well as cycling and ichthyology.

Speaking of Freds, it's well known among physicists that Fred "Woo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo!" speed is 46mph:

Sadly, Freds Down Under (or "Frumundas" for short) might never know the joys of this magical velocity, for a Melbourne City Councillor wants to impose a bicycle speed limit of 20 so-called "kilometers" per hour:

Why? Because he was almost hit by a cyclist who ran a red light:

Cr Ong said he was almost struck by a cyclist moving at speed recently. ''The other day when I walked out from town hall I nearly got run over from a cyclist who shot through a red light as I was crossing Little Collins Street right in front of town hall.''

Maybe I'm missing something here, but isn't the problem that the cyclist ran the red light? If so, I'm assuming that's already illegal in Melbourne, which means that no additional legislation is necessary. Really, imposing a speed limit because someone ran a red light is like raising the sales tax to combat shoplifting.

I suspect what may really be going on is that Australia is determined to usurp the United States from its position as the most "cycling-challenged" nation in the world. However, they're going to have to get up pretty early in the morning if they want to do that--even earlier than they do now, which is like a day before us, since I think it's already Friday there. Sure, Australia may have mandatory helmet laws and politicians proposing speed limits and newscasters who think cyclists "door" themselves on purpose, but here in Canada's chamois we just suspend students when they try to ride their bikes to school:

Yes, even the support of the police and the mayor wasn't enough to absolve these kids from the mortal American sin of slowing down motor vehicle traffic in an uptight suburb of a place that barely qualifies as a city:

"It was causing a problem, they were taking up a lane of traffic,' said Pennington. So it was an inconvenience for parents, teachers, but it was also a safety risk," said Pennington.

The students notified Walker Police and had an officer and Walker Mayor Rob VerHeulen escort them. But but Kenowa Hills High School principal, Katie Pennington says she was not informed. She says the bike ride caused a traffic back-up and created a safety hazard.

Also enraged was the Reverend Shaw Moore from that similarly uptight town in "Footloose," who had this to say:

"Even if this was not a law, which it is, I'm afraid I would have a lot of difficulty endorsing an enterprise which is as fraught with genuine peril as I believe this one to be."

Fortunately, wherever teenagers' rights to ride bicycles and/or dance is threatened, there's always one person ready to come to the rescue:

Incidentally, I'm surprised self-conscious and brake-dependent Nü-Freds haven't adopted Kevin Bacon's subtle behind-the-fork caliper positioning.

Meanwhile, in Washington, DC, a Tweeterer informs me that someone is using the Capital Bikeshare to steal iPhones:

Here's how it happened:

A man rode up, hit her in the face and pedaled away with the device — all without hitting the brakes.

“She said she was on the phone and was trying to be aware and was holding the phone pretty tight,” said a man who talked to the woman immediately after the robbery but did not see it. “He hit her in the face. He didn’t even stop.”

He didn't even stop?!? How rude! If only there were a bicycle speed limit in place then this crime would never have happened. Hopefully a local politician will get right on that, because speeding cyclists are far more dangerous than people who watch TV while they drive:

I encountered this person while riding through Brooklyn yesterday, and while the reflections from the window make it difficult to see, the driver's eyes were glued to a TV screen placed discreetly by the gearshift:

I guess this is what the police mean when they say "no criminality." After all, he'd never kill someone on purpose. He'd just do it because he was watching TV.

By the way, on that same ride, someone almost let his dogs go pee-pee on my Scattante:

Sure, I don't have proof that he would have allowed it, but he did seem to be nudging the larger dog towards my wheel with one of his flip-flops, and I'm reasonably sure that if I had arrived a second later I would have caught it in flagrante urino. Indeed, people let their dogs urinate on bikes all the time, which is why you should never leave yours parked with a baguette on it:

The above was forwarded to me by a reader, and it is easily one of the dumbest "portaging" systems I have ever seen:

Though I would enjoy it if Nü-Freds abandoned the messenger bag in favor of self-mummification.

It's Wednesday! Hold Onto Your Pants.

2012-05-23T11:25:00.000-04:00

Okay, who's the asshole who ran over Michael McKean?

Also, who's the septuagenarian who wrote that headline? McKean transcended "Lenny" decades ago--that's like calling Jerry Seinfeld the guy from "Benson." Of course, this being a car-on-pedestrian incident in New York City, you can guess what comes next:

No criminality was suspected in the smash-up, according to police. Two other people were taken to the same hospital, although the extent of their injuries was unknown, officials said.

This is not to say the police didn't do any detective work. In fact, they did question one suspect, but they were satisfied with his alibi and released him:

(David Byrne to police: "I don't own a car. Ipso facto, I could not have hit Lenny.")

In any case, you have to suspect somebody did something wrong somewhere when two cars manage to take out three humans, a mailbox, and a trash can:

Pedestrian struck on West 86th St and Broadway - 2 cars collided and smashed into the man and then hit the mailbox and trash can.

Clearly, McKean brought this misfortune upon himself, for as a native New Yorker he should have known better than to stand on the sidewalk. (I'm assuming he was on the sidewalk, unless the mailbox, the trash can, and McKean were all playing stickball in the middle of Broadway.)

Anyway, I'm sure you will join me in wishing him a speedy recovery.

Meanwhile, in recreational bicycle cycling news, the Sportive Cock has issued a press release letting the world know they will be offering a replica yellow jersey in honor of their sponsorship of this year's Tour of France:

According to the announcement:

The greatest champions, from Louison Bobet to Jaques Anquetil and Eddy Merckx to Bernard Hinault, have worn the Le Coq Sportif Yellow Jersey.

And this is precisely why you should not wear one. Certainly the act of road-oriented bicycle cycling is replete with "weird style dick tats." However, while we may mock those who transgress them, the truth is most of the "dick tats" are meaningless, and mindless adherence to them can be more laughable than the transgressions themselves. Go ahead, put your glasses under your helmet straps. Wear half-shorts and tri-dorkulous ankle socks. Slip on fifteen LiveStrong bracelets and let your leg hair grow wild and free. None of these things really matter so long as you enjoy the ride.

However, riding around in the coveted maillot jaune may be a fridge too far. There's just something about wearing other people's prizes that transcends dorky and goes right to "special needs." It's sort of like walking around and carrying a stranger's bowling trophy with you.

Of course, you may disagree, and as far as you're concerned it may be perfectly acceptable to ride around in the jersey of the Touring of France race leader. Hey, what can I say? To eaches his or her owns. We all have our own pet peeves. Moreover, now that we're all "on the line" and using personal home computers and cellular telephones with push-button dialing and applications that help us find the nearest sandwich boutique, there are entrepreneurs constantly springing up on the Internet who want to help us address our pet peeves, no matter how minor or non-existent those pet peeves might be. For example, do you have a problem with your bicycle constantly rolling away from you? No? Well then you're not going to want to give money to the inventors of the Spokebug:

Yes, it's the Spokebug, the superfluous little dingle for people who haven't come to terms with the fact that they need a bike with a kickstand:

Simply flick the Spokebug into the "on" position and you can accomplish exactly the same thing you can do with a small stick. Not convinced? Me neither. Still, here's the video to further dissuade you:

I particularly enjoyed the sepia-toned quasi-old-timey slapstick video featuring some schmuck who really ought to just get one of those newfangled "kicking stands" they sell at Rivendell:

In fact, from the looks of that bike I'd be stunned if it didn't already have a kickstand and they had to take it off just for the video. I also look forward to their next Kickstarter pitch, which will of course be for an electronic warning system that reminds you when you've forgotten to disengage your Spokebug.

Still, while Kickstarter may be just a Craigslist for would-be entrepreneurs, it's far more refined than eBay, where a reader discovered this:

Granted, as a semi-professional bike blogger the above outfit actually qualifies as "business casual" in my workplace, but if you're going to pose with your bike on eBay you should at least take the time to put on some pants. Then again, titillating would-be buyers with his "treasure trail" could be his idea of salesmanship, and this seems even more likely when you peruse the copy:

IT IS KEEPER IN MY ROOM FOR 6 YEARS.

IS IN MIND CONDICTION.

HAVE VERY SMALL SCRASHES

THE PICTURES SHOW ALL BIKE PARTS

I AM A HONEST SELLER 100% GOOD FEEDBACK

It also puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. By the way, that pictures certainly does show all bike parts--and then some. I'm also beginning to suspect that the bike has been "keeper in his room for six years" because the seller hasn't left his room in six years either, and he's been inside and pantsless since at least 2006.

I look forward to his Kickstarter debut, when he pitches a crotchal equivalent of the Spokebug that keeps you from popping out of the fly of your boxer shorts.

Swollen Ranks: Who's #1?

2012-05-22T11:21:00.000-04:00

Are you am amateur bicycle racer? Do you sheathe yourself in Lycra and straddle the crabon pony? Do you refrain from desserts and alcohol so as not to compromise you mid-pack finishes in local training races? If so, you should know that "serious leisure male cyclists may experience hormonal imbalances that could affect their reproductive health:"

I learned of this from a fellow Tweeterer, and my first reaction was disbelief, since I don't see how there could possibly be such a thing as a "serious leisure male cyclist." Aren't "serious" and "leisure" mutually exclusive? Then again, I suppose it's a perfect clinical term for "Fred," since "serious leisure male cyclist" does evoke the sort of person who considers himself an elite athlete because he holds a Cat 4 racing license and who has to pay a coach to force him to ride his crabon bicycle.

In any case, here's what the researchers have discovered:

"Plasma estradiol and testosterone levels were significantly elevated in serious leisure male cyclists, a finding not previously reported in any type of male athlete," notes Leah Fitzgerald, Ph.D., FNP-BC, assistant professor at the School of Nursing and principal investigator and senior author of the study.

In other words, "training" makes Freds grow boobies:

Estradiol is a form of estrogen and, in males, is produced as an active metabolic product of testosterone. Possible conditions associated with elevated estrogen in males include gynecomastia, a condition that may result in the loss of male pubic hair and enlarged breast tissue.

As does chamois cream:

The study found an association between an increase in estrogen levels and increasing years of chamois cream use, particularly for male cyclists using the cream for more than four years.

Researchers also released this photo of a man in the advanced stages of Freditosis:

Sadly, it's unlikely that "serious leisure male cyclists" will be dissuaded by this research, for to find a more delusional group of people than amateur male bike racers you have to look to the more esoteric religious sects or the leadership of North Korea. No, the fact is that it's only a matter of time before elevated estrogen becomes a point of pride for Freds, and they begin bragging about their balding mons pubises and robust man-breasts the same way they already like to show off their tan lines and share leg-shaving tips. "Man-maries are so PRO!," the Tweets will read, and they'll be accompanied by Instagram photos of preternatural he-bosoms barely contained by $250 Rapha Alpe d'Huez Merino Climbing Manzierres.

Speaking of Rapha, they certainly stand the most to gain from this, because not only can they start selling bras to Freds, but hey can also tap the burgeoning transsexual market with their bosom-swelling, pee-pee shrinking, estrogen-elevating chamois cream:

(Chamois Cream: Turns Freds into Wilmas.)

Meanwhile, in other Fred news, Fred-dom's periodical of record has officially deemed Portland, Oregon the #1 bikey city in the United States, and her rain-soaked residents are positively brimming with pride and smugness:

I'm not sure it's fair to call Portland a "city." New York is a city. Chicago is a city. Portland's mostly just a handful of trendy businesses that have sprung up around a sawmill. I'm also not sure being #1 anything according to "Bicycling" is something to brag about, since it's sort of like getting a card from grandma informing you that you're the "#1 Grandchild." Plus, as much as I love the good people at "Bicycling," they're not exactly the most cosmopolitan bunch, and while nobody's better at ranking identical Taiwanese crabon bicycles I'm not sure they're qualified to be ranking cities. Having a bunch of people in Emmaus, PA judge cities is like having a bunch of Orthodox Jews judge a pork rib competition. Still, I guess we should leave the people of Portland to their celebrations since it's really all they have. I mean, take away the bike stuff and Portland's just a suburb of Beaverton with a few coffee houses and quirky donut shop.

By the way, if you want to find out how the rest of America's cities ranked, you'll have to click through the world's largest slideshow:

Sadly, "Bicycling" have to resort to these sorts of ploys since people who accidentally click on the pop-ups account for 78% of their print subscribers.

As for me, I don't have time to click through a bunch of slides, since I have a blog to run. (I don't mean this blog, which takes almost no time to run. I'm referring to my other blog, "Wet Hot Fred Boobs," which is extremely time-consuming, surprisingly lucrative, and tremendously popular in Japan.) Still, I wanted to find out how my hometown finished. So I picked a number and clicked on it, and amazingly I guessed exactly right:

I know I'm biased, but I think New York City should have placed a bit higher. After all, we're world leaders in so many areas of cycling:

--World's most Fredly bicycle racing club (CRCA);
--World's most self-important retired professional bike racer (John Eustice);
--World's most heavily-trafficked Fred corridor (Route 9W);
--World's most nonexistent car (David Byrne's);
--World's largest bicycle clustercoitus (Five Boro Bike Tour).

I could go on, but the longer this list gets the more I want to move to Portland.

Of course, there's one area in which New York is untouchable, and that's the potential for interactions among different cultures. Consider this for example:

Hasidic Dude For Shikseh Bike Riding Partner - m4w - 28 (North Brooklyn)
Date: 2012-05-21, 9:34AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Ok, this is not exactly a missed connection to a particular person, but I am a real hasidic dude who is looking for a multi cultural bike riding partner/expiriance. I do like to ride down to Coney Island and fort Tilden and Im sure there's a non religious girl who is wants to have a conversation wih someone totally different and learn a thing or two about he culture. I am down for drinks too, but really the weather is so beautiful and this is te time of year.

Alas, it was only a matter of time before the constant parade of "muffin tops" caused a member of the Hasidic community to stray. I'm sure he's eager to teach a willing shikseh "a thing or two about the culture" as well. He's going to singlehandedly dispel that sheet myth once and for all.