The Funny Page!

Biology Exam

2012-10-23T18:08:00.002-07:00

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers, it's fresher and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

His Royal Highnie

2012-08-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

Yahoo news (which is crappy reporting but in the present, click news) reported that:
Snippet:
Scotland Yard chief Bernard Hogan-Howe, speaking Wednesday, said royal bodyguards were there to protect Harry, not "to regulate his life."
AND ENDING WITH:
"The role of protection officer is to protect the principal," he said. "Protect the principal from himself, on occasion."
OKAY, HERE I GO!!..
First of all, forget that the tax payers put out this and that. That's a given. I'm not royal, you're not royal and we expect to look after our children until the day we die, or they die whichever comes first. Older families (that is to say, families that life a long life tend to their own for a longer duration, sometimes well past 30's and 40's.
Some of our children need more attention than others. Harry has a lot life he has not lived, but he does need to be protected from himself. He's just one of those kids. Mind you twenty seven, eight and nine are ruckus years.

Don't Ask, It Was An Email!

2012-08-14T19:03:00.003-07:00

A good husband

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on his front door.

He opens it to find two state troopers there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the troopers asks if he is married. He says, "Yes, I am."

The trooper then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The husband says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The trooper says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The husband replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

BOY AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

2012-04-25T10:20:00.001-07:00

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it.."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Thank Joyce for me carol!

Just Kidding!

2012-04-06T11:22:00.002-07:00

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The
blonde cop asked to see her driver's license.
She dug throught her handbag and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman
replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it,
and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde
officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can
go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

more jokes at dailyjokes.co

Senior Wisdom!

2012-04-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Robert Burgett

Don't be Sorry! Be Happy!

2012-04-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

Hurry Caine!

2011-07-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

Just when you think you have heard all of the stupid things that are going on in the US -- this comes along...

Black hurricanes....

Well, it appears African-Americans (Sorry TL, emails remember?)have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand.

I can hear it now:

A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a rocket!

Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit.

We hope this makes Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee Happy !

GOOD ONE YVONNE!

2011-07-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working
out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

   He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine
in here should I use, to impress that sweet young
thing over there?"

   The trainer looked him up and down and said,
"I'd try the ATM in the lobby"

OH MOM!

2011-07-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play
date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother
replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her
friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's
license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it..'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you
are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did
you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' **

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'*

*
'Because you got an F in sex.'**

YOU HAVE TO BE THERE!

2011-02-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

Let's see if this works for you...
FUNNY! FUNNY! FUNNY!!

No strings attached!

ZEN ZEN ALA BEN

2011-02-06T13:56:00.001-08:00

1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just go away and leave me the fuck alone.

2.Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.No one is listening until you fart.

4.Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5.Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

6.If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9.    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10.If you lend someone 20 $ and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11.If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12.Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13.Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14.Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15.A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16.There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17.Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19.We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our behind ... then things just keep getting worse.

20.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

SENIORITY

2011-01-26T10:01:00.001-08:00

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, and their kids and grandkids
have to figure it out, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code) manual:

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

LENA DARLING

2011-01-25T08:13:00.000-08:00

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am .

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

If you don't send this to five friends right away,
There will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

Mark Parisi

2011-01-03T22:07:00.005-08:00

I'm sure he wouldn't mind..

It's GREAT!

He must be Great!

I take it back! He "IS" but you didn't hear it from me! tl

FROM THE FIELD'S!!

2010-11-10T09:25:00.000-08:00

Rodney Dangerfield Once said:

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

2010-10-31T08:44:00.000-07:00

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning
medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.  Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three-thousand-times the memory.
   Error! Filename not specified.
26. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point-and-click interface was aSmith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

   Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life
is too short and friends are too few!

As a believer we must all know that: "Nothing in life happens to me, it
happens for me! "

WELCOME TO AMERICA!

2010-08-24T15:31:00.000-07:00

MEXICAN WORDS!! The teacher told pepito to make sentences with his spelling words: 1.*cheese*Maria likes me,but cheese fat.2*mushroom*Wen all my family gets in the car, there isnt mushroom3*shoulder*My friend didnt no how to make tacos so i shoulder4*texas*My friend always texas me fwds5*herpes*Me and my friend shared a piza,i got my piece and she got herpes6*july*Ju told me ju were goin to the store, nd july to me!!julyer!! 7*rectum*I had two cars but my wife rectum 8. *chicken*I was going to the store with my wife but chicken go by herself. 9*wheelchair*We only have one soda but its ok wheelchair 10*chicken wing* My mom plays the lottery so chicken wing11. *liver* A bully was messing wit my sister and i told him to liver alone12 *bodywash* I wanted 2 go 2 da bar but no body wash my kids! 13*( budweiser ) That man over there has a nice body, budwieser his face so ugly? Send to everyone who needs a laugh!!.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMAILS!! TL

Funny But True! How TRUE!!

2010-08-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

Years of Math 1950 - 2010

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

7. Teaching Math In 2010

Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway cuz it's redistributing the wealth.

Only Cousin Carol!

2010-08-07T10:17:00.001-07:00

This is information no decent well-educated family can be
without..........

Here
are some facts about the 1500s:

They used to use urine to
tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then
once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had
to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor" But worse than that
were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a
pot...........they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the
lowest of the low

Most people got married in June
because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still
smelled pretty good by June.

However,
since they were starting to smell . .. .brides carried a
bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom
today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths
consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the
other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last
of all the babies By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it.

Hence
the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath
water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick
straw-piled high, with no ceiling underneath. It was the only
place for animals to get warm,

so
all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the
roof.

When
it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would
slip and fall off the roof.

Hence
the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from
falling into the house.

This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence,
a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded
some protection.

That's
how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy
had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt
poor."

The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter
when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep
their footing.

As
the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you
opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece
of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting
quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen
with a big kettle that
always hung over the
fire.

Every
day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate
mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.

They
would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to
get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes
stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence
the rhyme:

Peas
porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine
days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them
feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up
their bacon to show off.

It
was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the
bacon."

They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of
pewter.

Food
with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto
the food, causing
lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered
poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers
got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used
to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock
the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone
walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare
them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see
if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old
and small and the local folks started running out of
places to
bury people.

So
they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-
house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1
out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.

So
they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it
through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone
would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard
shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved
by the bell or was considered a dead ringer...

And that's the
truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

So . .
get out there and educate someone!

Share
these facts with a friend like I just did! ! !

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

2010-07-28T21:50:00.001-07:00

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days..........

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now.

Too many f-------- security cameras."

FUN PHOTOS!!

2010-07-08T13:55:00.001-07:00

CREATE YOUR OWN FUN FRAME!

FUNNY? ... FUNNY!

2010-05-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

Railroad tracks... This is = very interesting.

The  US standard railroad = gauge distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 = inches. That's an exceedingly odd
number.

Why was that gauge used?
Because that's = the way they built them in England, and English expatriates = designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them
like that? = Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who = built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge = they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge
then? = Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs = and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used = that wheel spacing.

Why did = the wagons have that
particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if = they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels = would break on some of the old, long distance roads = in England, because that's the spacing of the = wheel ruts.

  So who = built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the = first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for = their legions. Those roads have been used = ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? = Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which
everyone = else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since = the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were = all alike in the matter of wheel = spacing.  Therefore the United States = standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from = the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. = Bureaucracies live forever.   =

So the next time you are handed = a
specification/procedure/process and wonder = 'What  horse's ass came up with this?', you may = be  exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made = just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. = (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space = Shuttle
sitting on its launch pad, there are two = big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel = tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are = made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The  engineers who designed the SRBs would = have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be = shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad = line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in = the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through = that
tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than = the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, = is about as wide as two = horses' behinds.
  So, a major Space Shuttle = design
feature of what is arguably the world's = most advanced transportation system was determined over two = thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought = being a horse's ass wasn't
important? Ancient horse's asses = control almost everything... and  CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling = everything else.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

2010-05-17T18:29:00.000-07:00

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when
they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why
she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint.
Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says
'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT
say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying ???????????? YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.
This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments
they can avoid if they remember the terminology
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

ERIC

2010-05-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

I was having trouble with my computer.

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door,

whose bedroom looks likeMission Control and

asked him to come over.Eric clicked a couple

of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him,

'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless

inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that?

In case I need to fix it again .'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of

an ID ten T error before?

'No', I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard