MomDunWentCrazy

Movin it to lose it..

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 12 May 2012 00:38:00 +0000

This is the post in which I whine and complain. Misty is wondering why she isnt in a size 6 yet and I cant for the life of me figure out why I cant fit in my pre-pregnancy jeans..you know the ones from 14 years ago!

Yeah, we know..it takes time. It wont happen over night and lets face it, I will never be a size 7 ever again, and frankly I dont want to. With all of that being said..COME ON, this is the end of our third week. Three weeks of eating healthy, of eating nothing but veggies and fruit, lean protein and skipping my beloved mocha frappe's! Three weeks of waking at 5:30 am to walk! TO first walk a mile, then a mile and 1/2 and now two! I know- walking doesnt burn many calories but it sure burns more than us sitting on the couch. The thought of fried chicken and baked potatoes sound excellent right about now.

Im not giving up the fight. I know its hard, so all of you skinny people remember- eat healthy so you dont have to deal with this later on! The old saying that the older you get, the harder it is to lose weight is absolutely true!

Misty is on her..I dont know, 8th or 9th day of advocare. She is eating nadda and popping a ton of fiber/vitamins and drinking sludge.. I will say I am very proud of her though, she just isnt letting the product do all of the work for her, she is still getting up with me every morning and hitting that track!

Some days are easier than others. Some we feel accomplished and fast..others it seems those two miles take forever and my feet are as heavy as a two ton truck! I will also mention that this is the longest either of us has ever stuck to any sort of diet and exercise routine. Im proud of us but would enjoy some weight coming off for some motivation! So..we keep on movin' on!

Not a new me, an improved me!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 22:29:00 +0000

So, I'm going to start blogging my progress in this weight-loss journey of mine. Ive come to the point where I'm just not comfortable with myself and I am tired of making excuses. Each year I blame each one of the births I have had on gaining weight. I blame being too busy to exercise for why I CANT do something, when in reality, I just havent done it.

I dont want to be the mom who sits and watches her kids play. I want to be the mom who plays with her kids. I have been pretty active in my kids lives, but not to the point that I am satisfied with. I want to move more and do more with them.

I am absolutely not doing this for anyone but myself. I really could care less what others think of me..I actually think I am a beautiful person inside and out..but I am not happy or comfortable with the physical person I have become. I want to be a healthier me. I want to see my kids graduate, go to college, be married, I want to be able to play with my grandkids one day. I want to be able to run again and enjoy all of the things I once enjoyed.

A few very strong women and I had a conversation last week. Why is it that successful, strong women let something like weight control us? I dont have the answers to that, but I hope to find them a long this journey. I do think that one reason is because we are always doing for others and never stopping to take care of, love and nurture ourselves. Everything in my life has been about my family for the last 14 year and I have put myself to the side. I now realize that I cant take care of them without taking care of myself.

Not only can I not take care of them if I am unhealthy, but I deserve to do for myself now. I have worked hard, I have taken care of, raised, nurtured three children, its my job and I love it, but each year I have lost little pieces of myself a long the way. Time to put those pieces back into the puzzle where they belong.

So last Monday I started with walking a mile every morning. 5:30 am; this girl that hates mornings, with Misty..she has become such a good friend, a strong force in my life..she has taught me how to laugh again. With each others help, we will get through this and succeed. There are other women joining us, helping us and cheering us on and each one will be vital to this outcome. We are changing our eating habits. My goal? Run a 5k when this is over. Until next time..

Someday I will find you..in the still of the night.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 12:39:00 +0000

Sometimes I think I have lost myself. Ive lost who I wanted to be, who I imagined myself being..who I thought I was. As we grow older and life hits us, marriages are formed, babies are born, we start to lose sight of who we really want to be.

All my life I felt I was this free spirited woman. This artist. I felt that I would rather help others than do for myself, that the small things in life mattered, not the insignificant materialistic things. Family and friends, loving, kindness was all much more important than anything else. I loved to laugh and smile write, take photographs. I always felt a need to reach out to others, to help in any way I possibly could.

At some point I just stopped being myself..I stopped doing most of the things I loved to do, the things that made me smile, and feel grounded and at peace, things that made me feel accomplished, the things that kept me sane, the things that helped me deal with life in general were now gone.

I believe we start to conform to some sort of society image. We change for the people around us..the husband/wife, the kids, the friends, the boss. Eventually if you keep changing parts of yourself for others you lose the parts of you which are the best..you lose the self that you want to be.

It takes women in general a long time to really find out who they are. We grow and change and mature, we love, lose, fight and all of that shapes us. The thing we need to remember is; yes, those things shape us into who we will become, who we are, but those things are life..we need not change for others, but for ourselves.

If you're constantly giving pieces of yourself out, there will be nothing left and one day you will be empty and left wondering where you went.

I get by with a little help

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 13:13:00 +0000

As I have grown older I have realized a few things, one of them being that some women in your life are vital to your well being. I have this whole issue with trust and cattiness, so its hard for me to get close to women in my life. That being said, the women in your life are more important that you will ever imagine.

Some women are placed in our lives to simply learn hard lessons from. They do you wrong, hurt you, make you question why you open yourself up in the first place. These are the types of women you learn from..you learn to choose your relationships wisely. You learn that you can hurt and heal and move on and form great relationships with great women.

Some women are placed in our lives to love you deeply when nobody else will. They are the ones that stick with you through your ugliness, through times when you have royally screwed up, times when you hurt everyone around you, times when you cant imagine anyone loving you...they will.

Some women are placed in our lives to make us laugh, laughter is the best medicine after all. They teach us not to take everything so seriously. To take a moment, laugh, smile, enjoy our lives because it goes by way too quickly. They will be the ones that know you are hurting and make you smile when you want to cry.

Some women are placed in our lives to carry us when we cant stand. They are always there with the lifting, kind, loving words. They are the ones that will let you know they are there for you, to love you, heal you. They will let you cry on their shoulder, yell at them, be angry, cry again, and hold you tightly through it all.

Some women are placed in our lives to simply pray for us. You may not know it, but your name passes their lips on a daily basis in prayer to our loving kind Father, for they know He is the only one that truly knows what we need.

Some women are placed in our lives as stepping stones..they are the ones always there for us to help us get to the next phase in our lives..they simply help carry us to our next destination watching proudly as we reach our goals.

There are other women too..women that you pass in the store and offer a sweet smile. Women that wave as they pass you, yet dont even know you. Women that make eye contact and seem to just know what you are feeling or going through. Women that come to you for advice and make you feel needed.

Some of us have few, some many. Each of the women in our lives play a different role in making us who we are, become and each of them is vitally important to our well being. Women are a strong force. The women in my life vary so much in age, from young girls, to old ladies that have experienced life long before me. Some are family. Some friends. Some I have never even met in person. Some are young girls that have no idea how they have impacted my life. Some are women that I dont even know...Some have drifted out of my life as quickly as they came..Some I never let back in..others I have not seen in years yet I simply know they are there if I were to ever need them.

Keep the women in your life close, you never know when you may need one, a few, or all of them to carry you.

Make My Dreams Come True

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 16:39:00 +0000

Things arent always as they seem.
Chasing things that may never be.
Loving things that never can love.
Falling for things that break you down.
All worth living for.
All worth fighting for.
Searching for your dreams that last a lifetime.
Make my dreams come true.
Follow me and Ill follow you.
Love me like breathing,
Falling is a long way down.

To Party or Not to Party, That is the Question!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 14:15:00 +0000

A friend of mine who will remain nameless, although if she ever reads this she will know I'm talking TO her LOL, has three kids that seem to be on a constant merry go round of birthday parties! Last week her oldest son (11) attended a birthday party on Friday night- which she made him attend instead of going to a high school football game (so he says anyway) Saturday her daughters who are six and eight attended two separate parties.

It seems every week they are attending someones party. It got me thinking as to whether parents are now inviting as many kids to parties as they can in order to get as much loot as they can. Also, why do parents feel obligated to actually go to ever party their kids are invited to? We have a rule in our house. We only go to our family and closest friends. We also have three kids, and if we let them attend every party they were invited to, we would be more broke than we already are. Not to mention it is a huge time suck!

I also think at some point kids have to learn that they cant just go to every event they want to go to. There has to be some sort of limits set. Also, they need to learn that they cant always just do what all the other kids are doing. Another point is the value of a dollar. If you are always buying gifts and going to parties etc, your kids are going to start believing they have an expendable amount of cash flowing at all times. My own children have never questioned why we have this rule, they dont seem to mind it. Maybe because it has been written in stone since they were small.

At this point Im going to make some people mad- m own sister-in-law possibly. I say this truthfully and mean no harm...gift bags. Stop with the gift bags. Seriously, it is not everyone that attends the party's birthday, but your own child's birthday! Why do parents feel obligated to send some sort of loot bag home with these kids? I have even had kids ask, "do we get goody bags" really? how rude is that? What are we teaching them? Most of the time you are spending your money on junk that kids will play with for a few days and toss in the trash..so, they just threw your money away! Granted, some parents pack awesome goody bags, but are they necessary is my point!

So, how many parties do you let your children attend? An unlimited amount, because they are only kids once, or do you set some sort of boundaries?

Still Love Them The Most

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 14:54:00 +0000

I held their hands as they drew their last breaths. Deep, silent, peacefully heartbreaking. Knowing they both wanted, needed to go, to leave this earth, to no longer be ill. Both grandparents, one from each side of my family, each meaning more to me than any prize possession, a little over two years apart. Two of the most influential people in my life. People I never wanted to disappoint. People that taught me so very much.

My papaw, he taught me how to drive…at eleven. He’s where I got my love for bowling. My insomnia. I got the skill of being able to sell things to people with ease. My papaw was a Ford car salesman for 50+ years. Not one of those creepy, leave me alone salesman. He was honest, and good and worked hard, he shook hands and followed up with people, he stood by his word. We drove around in silence, stopping at the country store for an ice cream cone. We could drive for hours. He yelled at me once. I never remember him yelling at me. “Do you know why we butt heads so much? Because we are so much alike” We then walked, hand in hand as I smiled and he squeezed my hand. He was right. We were alike, only I wished I were more like him.

He raised three boys, as am I. He was married to my mamaw for over 50 years. He was stern, stubborn, yet he loved like no other. Grandchildren were his weakness. He loved us deeply and we could do no wrong. I would tell him good night and he would lean his cheek towards me and say “a bushel and a peck” I would respond with “and a hug around the neck” As I got older, it was still our thing. I watched him get weaker. More sad. I watched him not care. Get angry. I watched him turn into someone he was not.

The day the ambulance came, Ill never forget it. I told everyone that he’d be ok, he was over-reacting, being dramatic. They flew him an hour away, the whole time I thought he would be ok, that Id get there and he’d open those blue eyes and in a day he’d be back home. I drove to that hospital every day but one for three weeks straight. He woke up one day, he spoke, he laughed. I sighed. I just knew all was going to be ok in my world again, he never gave up on me and I wasn’t going to give up on him. I was wrong. I covered him up, because he was always cold, my hand brushed against his foot and I knew, it was happening. He was cold. I held his hand and family gathered around and we said goodbye.

I miscarried on his birthday. Conceived a year later, the month he passed. I swear to anyone that Brennen is a gift from not only God, but from my papaw. He knew my heart and he knew I needed Brennen. Some days I jokingly call him Jim, because there are so many things that he does that mimics my papaw. My only regret is that they never had the chance to meet one another.

My Gram passed last year. I cant even believe its been a year already. It still seems so raw. Sweetest most hard working woman I have ever known. She raised seven kids on her own. Seven. She was glue. Absolute glue to our huge family. She taught me how to cook…some things, or maybe just taste them and know if they were good or not. Always in the kitchen. She gave me precious memories. Stories of southern culture, southern women. I inherited her love for the beach, the ocean blue, as did the rest of her family.

I thought she was so cool because when I was a kid she sold pagers, back when pagers were rare, before cell phones…she then got a “car phone” she was the coolest grandmother on the planet! She always had certs in her car, the cinnamon ones would burn like fire, but I always ate one because I thought they were candy. She use to have a pair of tanning bed glasses in her car, they looked like alien goggles, I thought it was so neat that my GRANDMOTHER went to the tanning bed. There were two things you could always find in her kitchen- goldfish and pecan sandies.

Gram would let me build forts under her kitchen table, with all the blankets in the house and not get mad that I was creating a huge mess. Her hands were always cold, yet well manicured. She smelled like heaven, cache lotion, it was the best smell on earth. She had the softest skin. She hated when my hair was in my face. Wish she were here right now to tell me to move it away from my face, to run her fingers through it. She had a Polaroid camera that I believed was another amazing invention because- oh my gosh, automatic pictures!

She is the reason I wanted a big family. She told me that I was her first grandchild, that taught her how to love her grandchildren. Maybe I was a little but of trial and error, but in reality, she taught us all how to love. To love our children, to love each other. She was an avid reader, loved Alabama football and Christmas time. Her mind started to slip. To wander aimlessly through decades as it searched for some sort of memory. It was as if her mind was a snow globe. Like someone was shaking it, and when it settled everything was there, just misplaced..nothing where it should be. She may have known that I lived in Tennessee, but had no clue what my name was. It was difficult. To watch someone so very strong, that never needed anyone to take care of her, need so very much.

When my mom called and told me it may not be long, that if I felt I needed to say goodbye, I needed to come now, I never actually thought that would be it. I drove down by myself, leaving my family, arriving at the nursing home before going anywhere. I sat with her as did other family members. She looked better than she had in months. I had that gut feeling. I had been in this spot not long before and I knew. The next day as my cousin and I sat by her bedside so the family could go tie up lose ends, she opened her eyes. Wide. She gasped for air. We had everyone come back to the nursing home, it wouldn’t be long. She faded. In and out. She had waited until each of her children said their goodbyes at various times. She took her last breath and we said goodbye.

When I think of them my heart aches, yet it smiles, I am so very blessed to have known them, to call them my grandparents.

One Year

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 20:04:00 +0000

Side by Side..Year by Year..

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 20:04:00 +0000

I sit here tonight staring at him..just like I did one year ago. Basking in the beauty of a child I helped create. A child that we longed for yet didnt know we needed until he completed us. I wont lie and say the last 365 days have been easy, they at times have been more than difficult. At times I questioned by ability to be a mom, something I had always wanted to be...sometimes I questioned if I had made the right choice in having a third baby.

Thoughts like that are washed away with each giggle..each slobbering kiss and infectious grin. Brennen is absolutely the missing piece to our family puzzle. He has made us stronger as a family, knowing that at times it will take each of us working together just to make it through the day. It has taught us that our love for each other runs deeper than we ever really imagined. Brennen gave Ethan a role of big brother that he carries out beautifully..he has taught him responsibility, love, commitment, it has brought out a protective yet simply loving trait none of us knew existed. Brennen has softened Dakotas heart..made him more caring, more loving..he has brought out our very best qualities that otherwise may have been hidden forever..

Brennen knows no stranger, and frankly I believe he was put on this earth to bring others together..to make a hardened soul smile through his thick skin. Complete strangers speak of his sweet nature, he is changing human kind one smile, one person at a time.He is completely silly yet totally demanding, the temper of a redhead and the attitude of a bossy diva and we would have him no other way.

Brennen has been spoiled since day one, by not only his parents but by each friend he encounters..he is a completely rotten little boy. It's no wonder he does nothing on his own when he has so many servants tending to his every want and need! We squeeze him and kiss him, love him and cherish him. He will always put a smile on our faces and love in our hearts.

“Sometimes, when only one person is missing, and the whole world seems desolated.”

Happy One Year- continue to amaze us!
Always and Forever,
Mom

A Perfect Dozen

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 02:24:00 +0000

I never imagined having a child so young. I can’t imagine not having you so young. My first born, my oldest son. Twelve years ago I lay in a hospital bed and I worked. I worked so very hard for you. It took 36 hours to bring you into this world. Your entire family waited into the wee hours of the night to meet you. Absolutely awesome. Awe struck. Amazed. All things I thought as I looked at your precious face. I could not believe your dad and I created something so beautiful.

I tell teenagers to be careful, don’t get pregnant. Don’t have a kid so early. Not because I regret a second of your life, but because I wish I was able to give you more. Frankly, you were such an easy baby, you spoiled me. You slept at 4 weeks through the night. You laughed and giggled and it’s like you knew me. We knew each other. You taught me a lot about myself, and if you’d ask him, you taught your dad a lot as well.

You have always been more mature than other kids your age, probably because we treated you that way. I hope that we didn’t make you grow up too fast. I want you to cherish your childhood, like I cherish you. You are so strong willed and absolutely hilarious. Unfortunately I think you inherited a mixture of mine and your dads temper, creating a lethal combination. You carry your feelings on your shoulder, and I see so much of myself in you at that age. You cry when angry. As do I.

You are your dads son though. Best friends. Closer than any father and son I know. So very much alike as well. You are a superb baseball player, an excellent athlete in general. You have the drive and desire of a college kid, it amazes me at times. You work hard for what you want in life. To be a part of North Carolina’s baseball team has been a dream of yours since you were about seven years old, and you work hard to achieve that dream.

You taught us how to be parents. Imperfect parents, yet, parents. You taught me that I could love unconditionally. That sometimes I have to be hard on my children, not because I want to, but because I love you. I want what is best for you and your brothers. That’s all I ever wanted. For you to be happy, loved, taken care of. You taught me to choose my battles. I learned that I had fears that were greater than anyone except a mother could ever possibly understand.

Your dad and I talk in the still of night how life will be when you go away to school. I really don’t know what we will do when you leave us. We talk about how we want you to spread your wings, to be the best person you can be. To get out of this town and make something of yourself. To be the best in whatever you choose to do, if that’s baseball or anything else under the sun. We talk about how sad we will be. How a piece of our hearts will be leaving us. We kid that we will move and follow you. We talk about the absolute joy and excitement we will feel for you, with you.

You hold a very special place in my heart. Each of my boys holds something different. Each of you are special to me in your own ways. You will forever be my baby boy. You changed my life. You changed it for the better. I love you dearly, always. No matter how hard we butt heads. How much you disagree with me. How much I yell or scream or fight against you to do the right thing, I love you deeply.

To be perfectly honest there were people who doubted my ability to be your mom. A doctor told me I shouldn’t have you. Adults questioned if I could care for you. Im pretty damn sure we proved them all wrong. You are such an amazing kid. A young man. We get compliments on your manners, even if you don’t always use them at home, I am proud that you at least use them in the presence of others. You make good grades, you have a soft heart, you’re a good friend. I really could not ask for a better kid and I hope I had a hand in how you turned out.

As we enter the teen years, there will be many, many fights. We will argue and disagree. You will test my patience and I will test your will. There will be tears shed and we will laugh hysterically. We will need to be separated from one another. We will need to be in each others arms. I will need you and you will need me. There will be times where you wont need me at all. We will take a ride in silence. You will say you hate me. I will worry too much about you, for you. These things are inevitable. As is my love for you through it all.

As tough as those times may sound, I look forward to every minute of it. I want to watch you grow and mature into a handsome, successful adult. I want to cherish every single moment I have with you. I am so very grateful for the 12 years I have had with you. Learning new things, watching you grow, progress, and become the young man you are today. I have cherished all 4,380 days of your life and Look forward to many, many more. Happy Birthday To My Forever Baby Boy.

The Missing Peice In The Middle

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 03:55:00 +0000

There was a time in my life when I thought one was enough. Where I thought I could never love another. Where I was terrified if another came along that there wouldnt be enough of me to go around. That if I had another one that there is no way I could not compare your every move, glance, look, milestone to his. On January 8, 2002 that all changed. I saw your face, heard your cries and I knew I would love you just as much as your brother. I would care for you as much as I did the first. You being the complete opposite of your brother made sure I never compared the two of you in a bad way.

When the thoughts of number three rolled around in my head and in my heart I wondered how you would feel. Your brother was older, he would understand, he knew that babies didnt replace the love between any of us, a baby would not mean that he would be pushed to the side. Would you understand the same? Could you know that I love you just as much, would you know that I was not replacing you? That you forever would hold a special place in my heart, each of you hold a special place in my heart? Would you not feel like you were stuck in the middle, neither youngest nor oldest. Neither Big Brother, or Baby Brother.Once again you proved my thoughts of you to be wrong. Maybe I never do give you enough credit, possibly because you were MY baby for so very long.

You took on the role of middle brother as amazingly as any other role you take on. You are strong willed, determined and the most loving brother I could have ever asked for. You have grown up a lot this year. You ventured into playing new sports, going to work with your dad and being a bigger helper than any of us imagined. You help me more around the house, and take on more responsibilities. Yes, you are still stubborn, strong willed, determined, but Ethan you have the heart of a million little boys. You care deeply, love strongly. You are in the middle for a reason, you will hold the three of you together always.

Your wit, your absolute raw humor, your giggling laughter still to this day, to your 2,920th day of life, makes not only my face, but my heart as well, smile the greatest of all smiles. The smile of a mother towards or for their child is irreplaceable, and you keep putting that smile on my face day after day! You can still play for hours alone, entertaining yourself. We all still wonder what new insect or amphibian will show up in your hands or pockets. you still scare us when you do something dangerous, because you are still "Ethan" so nothing scares you, nothing inhibits your need for that rush, that excitement you thrive on.You still get glued to the T.V. if I'm not careful. But I can see a change in you, you my baby, are growing up. Your becoming more of a kid, a big boy than a baby. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time.

Happy 8th Birthday Ethan. Thank you for coming into my life. For filling that puzzle piece that was missing. Thank you for loving me as much as I love you, for calming every fear I ever had about number two, and even number three. Thank you for still calling me mommy when I feel the need you once had for me, slipping away. Thank you for being the glue, the funny one, the daredevil. Thank you for being the dangerous combination of your father and myself, for you are the only one that could ever carry such a role.

Forever and Always I Love You,
mommy.

More People Like Lauren

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 02:37:00 +0000

It was six, almost seven years ago. My husband and I just moved back to Tennessee a year prior. We had moved back five days after our second son, Ethan was born. We had no car. We had no home. We lived for some time in a hotel room. I say room, because it was just that. No kitchen, just a small mini fridge and microwave, a four year old, and a newborn.

My husband looked desperately for work, there was none. We lived off of his unemployment of $200, and food stamps. Our hotel room for the week, was $153. We eventually moved into his parents house, saved some money and got an apartment. There was hope that we had pulled ourselves out of the darkness and into a glimmer of light. My husband had a job, we had a clunker of a car, that got us from point A to point B. The apartment was small, a two bedroom, but it was enough for us, and we had good neighbors on either side of us. We had each other and our kids were clothed, fed and had a roof over their heads.

Dakota was four, Ethan would turn two in a month. It was Christmas. My husband lost his job because he had to leave work, to come home and take Ethan to the doctor, he was sick, and we only had the one car. A few days later the car crapped out on us. I had no idea what we were going to do. My family was four hundred miles away and I was determined to do this without them. My husbands family wasn't speaking to us because I felt we needed some space, they got upset and decided to ignore us for awhile. A common occurrence in his family.

One afternoon I took off walking. Ethan was out of diapers, we needed milk. Daniel had walked the day before to the store for food, so I felt it was my turn. It was pouring down rain. All I wanted for Christmas was to be able to go see my mom, for my kids to have a Christmas. How were we to get there with no car? No money? It was about four miles to the nearest dollar store. I was almost there and a van pulled over. A lady rolled the window down and asked if I needed a ride.

Never before would I have gotten into a vehicle with a stranger, but something told me it was alright. Something told me that it was what needed to happen. I got in the front seat of her van. She had two small kids in car seats in the back. I was soaking wet, tears in my eyes. She looked over at me with so much sympathy in her eyes and said, she never would stop for a stranger, but she was led to stop. She asked where I was going and I told her I needed to get my baby some diapers. After I got back in the car, she asked if we needed any food. I told her no, we were fine, just the diapers.

Her name was Lauren. I wont ever forget her face. We talked about my car. About my husbands job. Our children. For a complete stranger, I seemed to have known her, felt comfortable talking about my life, the life I was embarrassed to discuss with anyone else. She let me borrow her phone and call around to find the part for our car. She offered to pay for it, and I declined. Daniel was drawing unemployment and the $40 was a lot of money to us, but I couldn't imagine taking money from another person.

The next day, Lauren showed up at my apartment. She told me to get in the van, and she would take me to get the part for the car. The drive was about twenty five miles. She was driving out of her way for me. For my family. She didn't know us at all. Lauren gave me hope that we would make it this time. She gave me hope that there are people in this world that still want to help without anything in return.

Later that day, my husband fixed our car. We had no heat, no radio, a missing driver side window. It started to snow as Daniel was finishing up.We drove that car all the way to Alabama. He told me that he promised me he would get me to my moms for Christmas, and with the help of Lauren, he made that happen.

Lauren left me her phone number in case I ever needed her. I told her I never could thank her enough. She let me know that with two children of her own, she hoped that someone would do the same for her, if one day she needed the help as we did. I never had to call Lauren again. I think of her often. When I think my life cant get any harder. When I wonder how we will make ends meet, I think to that year. I think of Lauren. I remember the faith and hope that one person gave me. The kind and helping hand of another human being, for a complete stranger.

Head on over to Blog Nosh Magazine , join the loads of hope blog carnival,and see how others have had hope in their lives.

And Then There Were Two!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 03:11:00 +0000

Six years ago today I was laying in a hospital bed trying to comfort a baby, recovering from a c- section. Six years ago today, 7 lb 9oz 21 and 1/2 in. Ethan was born, screaming into this world... and I'm not so sure he has stopped talking since. You were originally "scheduled" to be born on the 15th, that was your due date.. but momma had to have a c-section, so we scheduled it for the 7th. On the 6th the doctor called and moved the date to the 8th. I was so heartbroken, I was ready for you to become a part of our lives, a part of our family. I wanted to hold you and love you and get to know you.
You came into this world at 9:15 am. I heard you cry, and I cried. I helled you and I cried. I had longed for the day to meet you, and here it was! You were so tiny compared to your brother, and you had a striking similarity to myself as a baby. You had red hair, and that surprised me, of course it has since changed to blonde. You were a pretty tough baby to figure out, you cried a lot, you had colic, formula didn't sit well with you, and I couldn't breast feed because I had no milk. It was a tough time for us both. I spent many hours rocking you, and wondering what I was doing wrong, why this was so different than the first time, yet we bonded in a way that was so calming to me.
You as a baby, and still as a child were very stubborn, everything had to be done a certain way, your way. You had to do things on your own, you would get so frustrated when you couldn't accomplish something, yet keep trying until you did, you were, and still are a fighter, a true leader.
You taught me a lot about myself. You have taught me patience, and to not take everything so dang seriously. You make me laugh a million times a day, I'm not sure what any of us would do without your humorous ways. When you get in trouble, you come up with the weirdest things to say that send us into fits of laughter and make us forget what we got onto you about...one reason you get away with so very much. You have beautiful green eyes, that you love to use against me, while batting those long lashes of yours. You are extremely hard headed, a true daredevil whom makes my heart skip a beat when you attempt some new adventure.
You love the outdoors, animals, nature. Extremely smart for your age, you often get bored in class and at home which in return get you into some mischief. I adore your hugs, and your sweet smile makes my heart skip a thousand beats. I love the fact that you adore music, you sing, you dance, you can learn a song in a heart beat. You have a heart of gold that's for sure.
I can not imagine my life without you. You bring so many different things to our family, our lives. You have definitely not only changed me as a mother, but also as a person. I love how you snuggle against me when we read. How you tell me out of the blue that you love me. I love the way you put your hand on my cheek, stare into my eyes and talk to me about anything, and believe me, you can definitely talk. You have a huge imagination, and can come up with some wild stories, never missing a beat while coming up with the next rendition.. its as if the story is very real to you. Heck, maybe you will write a book one day. Thank you for filling our lives with more joy than we could ever imagine. Thank you for being yourself, strong and brave and willing. Happy 6th Birthday Baby Boy, We love You!

Baby Roberts 10/24/2007

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 01:44:00 +0000

It has been a rough week, and I believe I am ready to talk about it. Sometimes your life has to be hard, it has to bring you to a level you never imagined was possible. Sometimes you have to feel pain and heartache and sorrow. We live these things and we learn from them. We learn how strong we are, we learn to appreciate the fine details, our friends, family, those in need. We learn a new understanding for people. That sometimes you don't know what someone is going through, and that a kind word or softer glances are in need.

We lost our baby last week. We had only found out a week prior, but our hearts grew, we loved this baby, we had our hearts and minds set on adding this new addition to our family, only to have it taken away just as quickly as it came.

Last Monday I had a vaginal ultrasound, something I hadn't had with my two previous children. I began spotting Tuesday, and called the nurse later that afternoon for her to assure me it was completely normal, that I was fine and this was common after a pap and vaginal ultrasound. Still I felt uneasy. This may have been normal for most women, but this was not normal to me, or it hadn't been in the past. Wednesday I was still spotting, and as I sat in the car line waiting to pick my son up from school, I felt a sharp pain. We left straight from the school to the hospital, two blocks away. Two blocks and 3 minutes and I was bleeding heavily, like I had never known someone to bleed and live through.

The doctor came in and did another ultrasound. He couldn't see anything. The words are as clear to me now as if he were standing in front of me, which is odd because it all sounded foggy and unclear on that Wednesday afternoon. "Jennifer, I cant see anything, your uterus is too full of blood. This doesn't look good, I am preparing you for the worst" I was sent down for a lab to check my HCG, told to go home and stay in bed, until they called me Thursday morning with the HCG results.

My husband met me at the hospital, I broke down. I hid the fear and the anguish because I had two other children to think about. I was scared, I couldn't have them scared as well. I cried, I told him I was sorry. I told him I was losing our baby. He held me in his arms, told me it wasn't my fault, told me that we would get through this. He left to take the kids home, that's where they needed to be while I waited on the lab tech to take yet another vile of blood.

I got in my car and I cried, I screamed and yelled and slammed my fist on the steering wheel. I asked God why, I asked what I had done. I wiped my face off and I drove home. Daniel met me in the driveway. I cried and he carried me in. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see, didn't remember how I drove home exactly. He changed my clothes and put me in bed. I cried the entire night and prayed and asked why this was happening. How could I have two perfectly healthy children, two normal pregnancies and a miscarriage? At times I felt the most calming peace come over me. It was strange, and comforting, relaxing. It was God's hand upon me, it was friends and family praying for me, thinking good thoughts. I don't go to church. I do however have a faith in God. I also know that the Lord will not give us more than we can handle.

Thursday morning at 8am the phone rang. It was the nurse. "don't take the medication the doctor gave you, your HCG level rose, so there is some hope, come in Friday so we can check your HCG again, stay in bed and if you need anything give us a call" Need anything? I need my baby. I need my baby to be alive and healthy and growing inside me. I need to hear her heart, see her face, hold her hand. I need her to be here with me and not gone, I need someone to take this heartache away, I need answers and explanations and reasoning, I need this to all be a terrible dream. I was angry. I wanted people to stop calling me and telling me it would be alright. It would be alright, I knew that, but right now, right in that moment, it wasn't alright and hearing that it would be eventually was not making it alright, was not making the hurt go away or bringing my child back.

I awoke 45 minutes later, calm. At peace. my heart hurt less. I had my own answers. I knew this was not my fault, or anyone elses. I knew that something was wrong with the baby and it was my bodies way of responding. I knew that I was thankful and grateful that I was not farther along, that I would not have to deal with the heartache other people do when losing their babies, when they are developed, when they have felt them move and grow, or the people in this world that lose a child that was alive. I couldn't deal with such heartache.

I cried off and on Thursday. My husband cried and grieved right along with me. My children were saddened. But also I was ok. I was not whole again, but I was ok, I was strong and I knew I was going to be just fine.

Friday, we went to the lab again. On Monday my HCG level was 2078 on Wednesday it was 2296, on Friday it was 217. I knew what had happened in my heart on Wednesday, but hearing it, that made it real, made it something that I had to accept fully. I saw the doctor yesterday whom told me that I had to take two medications, one to make sure everything was gone from my cervix so that i did not have to have a D&C and the other was an antibiotic, I have to go back on the 12th, and that if we wanted to try again, we could, in three months. We desperately want a baby now. The thing is, you never think that you want another one until your faced with the fact that your going to have another one.

Its been a rough week and I have had my hard times. I break down from time to time. I didn't realize how many women go through this. I knew it was common, but once people heard what happened to me, they came to talk, so many of them had experienced this. Its sad, sad that women have to go through this and sad that most of the hide it. They hide the emotion, and the hurt and pain and they hide it because they don't want to see the faces of people. People that have children, and feel sorry for them. I know that feeling. They don't want to hear the "I'm sorry's and the "Its going to be ok", and How are you feeling?" I understand that people don't know what to say, and they say the only thing they feel comfortable saying, but a hug would be fine, and not every single time you come in contact either. I know some people are reading this thinking I didn't go through much, that they went through miscarriage after miscarriage, or a still birth or a baby that was longer term, or child that was living. And I am sorry that you went through that, I believe I am lucky to not have had to go through these things, I am not sure I am strong enough to do so, but I hurt just the same as any of you. Its a loss, and your lonely and confused, hurt and heartbroken all the same. To all you women, and men and family members that have suffered a loss such as this, I pray for you, your continued healing, and I tip my hat to you as well, you are strong and brave and will get through it if you have not done so as of yet.

Its a Bird, A Plane, Its A BABY!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 23:17:00 +0000

I have gotten nadda accomplished this week. I feel good. But Monday and Tuesday i was sooo not motivated. Monday I found out, we are going to have a baby! After being utterly terrified, and having the shock of my life, i am pretty darn excited. Telling the kids i thought would be hard, but they are excited as well. I told Ethan, and he looked at me and said "so your having a baby!" turned and looked at his dad, turned back around to me and said " whaaaaaa" A little shocked there huh buddy.. He is very excited, saying that he is the only one that can feed the baby. Every morning when he wakes up he says " i cant wait till the baby gets here" Dakota was the one I was worried about. He has always said that he didn't want another brother or sister. He has been very adamant about this. We told him, and he told me i was lying to him! my own son thought I would lie! So i went and peed in a cup and stuck the test in it, right in front of him.. too much info I know. So after the lil punk got over his tude about me "lying" he was happily excited and actually went to school telling all of his friends. This was a HUGE relief.

All of my family now knows, and I had my first appointment Tuesday. The lady doing the test said " she sure is pregnant, I didn't even have to dip it in the urine, I just got close to it and it turned" well thanks for that info nurse practitioner! I go to my regular OB Monday. We now have a due date of June 14th, but everyone knows that can and probably will change since I have to have c-sections due to my kids overly large heads (they get that from their father)

So we are hoping for a girl this time, i mean come on, 3rd time is a charm? I will be happy regardless as long as the baby is healthy, but I sooo so so soooooo want a little girl!

Reaching For Me

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 01:41:00 +0000

I can see the water dance across your eyes
I can see the lonliness in your smile
I hope to hold you and take it away
I see your terrified of this place
When you start to fall I am there
Dont ever think your all alone
I can help heal those places that hurt deep inside
All it takes is just one word
See me as the hand that heals
Know that life is not this way
One day we will break this chain,
This cycle that never ended
One day it will be simpler days
We will prevail over the darkness that has covered us
Your hand wrapped around my heart
My soul is yours tonight