One day at a time

Your Worst Enemy Is You

2018-05-23T05:34:00.001-07:00

(Photo by thom♥)

Who'd have thunk it?

I know it sounds like another cliché straight out of every self-help book or article that ever existed ever, but bear with me. It's been a while (as in years) since I wrote anything and to be honest with you I was a bit worried that I won't feel inspired to write again. That's not to say that nothing in my life happened that was worth writing about. In fact I tried getting the gears in my head going a few times, but I was either too tired or bored to write. I just wasn't there. Now, finally, here I am about to do something that hopefully doesn't resemble word vomit as much as the previous stuff that I've done (already self-criticising so early on – your worst enemy is you, folks).

They say that your twenties are some of the most significant if not best years of your life. Whoever 'they' are, they're not wrong. I definitely feel like a lot of major changes happened after reaching my twenties, and this is something that I've always tried to reflect upon, even write about. After everything that's happened in the past couple years or so, the one thing that stood out to me the most is how hard I often am to myself, and that's putting it lightly. It's one thing to tell yourself that you need to do better; to be better. But it's a whole other thing to allow yourself to engage in self-destructive thoughts and mask them as pointers for self-improvement. Unfortunately, it took me a while to fully recognise this.

Most of the time they manifested in the form of self-blame and, sometimes, self-hate. A few months ago I found myself in a toxic relationship, but more so in a way that I was toxic towards myself. I blamed myself for every single 'bad' thing that happened (I say 'bad' because a lot of them stemmed from my anxiety, which I will talk about eventually) and honestly, I was at my worst. Granted, the person I was with at the time didn't make things any easier, but I would rather spare you the details. It's not like I wasn't conscious of what I was doing either. If there was anything that I admired about myself it would be the extent of my self-awareness, but I guess that can be both good and bad. For some reason, I chose to believe that everything was my fault because that way I knew that I needed to work on myself. And it's always better to focus on what you need to improve on, right? Again, there are two very different things happening here.

As you might expect, this affected more than just my relationships. After graduating last year (yes, I finally did after writing about it so much), I felt myself enter some kind of metaphorical void. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing anything for. Of course that was something that I had anticipated – very symptomatic of 'the twenties syndrome' – but it's still strange to actually be experiencing it. To put matters into context, I turned down an interview for a job that would have probably been the start of a pretty decent career. I had a couple of reasons for this. First, I wasn't sure if it was something that I was prepared to commit myself to. By that I mean I wasn't sure if it was even a career path that I was genuinely interested in. Second, I thought that I would be absolutely garbage at the job, and that made me feel uneasy. Now you might be thinking, "That's silly! This and that and other reasons why I should have done the interview!" I know, I know. I let my insecurities stop me from stepping out of my comfort zone, and I gave myself hell for it. For a good while I regretted my decision. I was convinced that I made the biggest mistake and no better opportunity will ever come my way.

That's the thing though, isn't it? I feel as though we have an almost reflexive tendency to undermine ourselves. The way I justify this to myself is: if someone rejected me or pointed out my flaws, at least I already know about them. And therefore if something goes wrong, I only have myself to blame. I have struggled with my self-esteem all my life and the funny thing is, I have said it so much that it's starting to sound like an excuse. As though having self-esteem issues is an excuse for treating yourself like you're less than others, or telling yourself that you will never amount to anything. If you're reading this, chances are you're going through a similar situation and I apologise. I really don't mean to be so dramatic.

I did not write this to say that I'm some reformed person and that somehow I've discovered the trick to having all the confidence in the world. I am writing this as a full realisation of the fact that we need to give ourselves a break every now and then. While it is important to acknowledge our weaknesses, it is just as important to practise self-compassion and understand that it is okay to fail and make mistakes and not have everything figured out. Recognise how powerful our mind is and how easily we can let our negative thoughts take over and convince us of things that are often false. Most of all, I am writing this as a step towards forgiving myself, in hopes of encouraging others to do the same. How's that for a comeback?

Take care of yourself.

Contemplating Adequacy and Success

2016-05-14T04:29:00.000-07:00

What does success mean to you?

It's funny, because considering how much time we spend trying to achieve something, we spend even more time worrying about whether or not we'll even make it. From my own observation, it seems like one of the many things that we (or at least some of us) do excessively is worry. Worrying about ourselves, about other people; worrying if an extra five minutes would have made a difference to your final exam grade, worrying if you've done enough, worrying if you're enough. We worry so much as if it's something that we enjoy doing. But the real question is, what is it all for? Why is the idea of success something that is so worrying and anxiety provoking? Aren't we trying to succeed for ourselves? I mean, that would be optimal right, if people could just do things for themselves and not care about anyone else or think about consequences? But I understand that that's not really how things work. At this point in time, saying that a person defines their own success is pretty much redundant. We've all heard it before, and not all of us can afford to follow the same pattern of thinking. Well, that's just baffling.

This is not some sort of attempt to explain why people should stop worrying, because it's a natural human response that is often beyond our control. Even I worry way too much for my own good. (Of course there's the subject of anxiety disorders and other psychological factors but it's probably best that we don't go there.) My point of interest lies in the different ways that people conceptualise success, and how the idea of success is affected by perceptions of adequacy and self worth that are being upheld by our society. More importantly, I want to question what or who defines individual adequacy, and if it even really matters in terms of success.

When a friend suggested for me to take on this subject, she mentioned another friend of ours and said, "I feel like it's something that is she's always so consciously thinking about." She didn't mean it as a bad thing, and I get it. I guess in a way each one of us is consciously thinking about how we can be successful. For me, growing up all I really wanted to do was make my parents proud, and as a 20-something undergrad I can say that it's very much still in my agenda. Yes it's also about that title, that sense of accomplishment, that feeling that you did something worthwhile and it paid off. That's what drives me forward. But for some of us it doesn't come as easy. Motivation sometimes feels like the light at the end of the tunnel, instead of the force that pushes you to search for the light at the end of the tunnel. And you see, this is where things get complicated – how can we get motivated to find motivation?

I'm not about to sit here and talk about ways to do that because in all honesty, I don't know. Sometimes I do find it hard to distinguish the motivation to graduate between the desire to make my parents proud and the idea that, well, the way that our society works more or less expects me to. But does graduating make me adequate? Does not graduating make me inadequate? So many people end up getting stuck working a job that means nothing more to them than something that pays their bills and puts food on their table. I'm not trying to say that there's anything wrong with that, and for some people that's more than enough. I just find it sad to think that standards of success – either from our own close relationships or the society as a whole – often place a lot of pressure on people to build status or fulfil expectations, rather than helping them find something that they can pursue.

This becomes particularly tricky and more troublesome when considering the fact that figuring out what to do in life is quite possibly the hardest and most terrifying thing that we have to deal with. People who choose not to attend university or who do not work prestigious jobs are often seen as less adequate or less capable, but why? Is being content not a form of success? Doesn't knowing what you don't want scream adequacy just as much as knowing what you want? These are exactly the things that induce a collective fear of failure amongst many people. What even is failure? It all makes my head spiral into a big loop of confusion and I wish I knew the answers, I really do. But I guess I never will.

Perhaps all the anxiety around this subject and the sense of entitlement to define my own success is just a symptom of being in my twenties. Maybe I'm just afraid to graduate and not know what to do from there, or not know anything at all, which actually proves my point nicely. I should stop now, maybe I'll go distract myself with videos of adorable puppies – as you do when you're an undergrad who experiences a physical and emotional breakdown on a daily basis because of the mountains of assignments that you have to work through. All for a fancy piece of paper? Yeah, basically.

Take care of yourself.

Growing Up Is Hard

2015-08-06T02:48:00.001-07:00

(Photo by thom♥)

But what isn't?

I have spent enough late nights in bed pondering about anything and everything to realize that I am at a certain point in my life where it feels like every possible change is happening all at once. That, to me, is what growing up feels like; being suddenly bombarded by new experiences, countless decisions, responsibilities, disappointments and of course, mistakes. It's definitely interesting to see the way that our idea of 'growing up' evolves with us as we age. In the early stages of life, we tend to restrict the things that we associate with the future to career choices and questions like “What do you want to be when you're older?” or “Where do you see yourself in five or ten years' time?” We often don't give ourselves the time to think about other things that make up the whole picture, and I think that's what makes the situation slightly problematic. I mean, years of schooling did not give me any sort of preparation for this. No one ever told me how much I would have to deal with.

As if trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life isn't difficult and terrifying enough, something about reaching my twenties really put things into perspective. I guess it was a combination of the circumstances and the idea itself. For me, turning twenty years old marked the start of the rest of my life. It was around that time when I noticed that people around me were beginning to make decisions or talk about things that I'd hardly (if not never) thought of before. In my head I just wanted to get through university, and I thought that was enough. Things like getting experience and repaying student loan and moving out were often tossed around in conversations which, in all honesty, felt a little unsettling. Ultimately I realized that the more I thought about it the more I needed to convince myself that it's just life happening, and life is always happening. It's been happening all around me way before I even turned twenty, and that's no reason to panic. It was simply a matter of understanding my own situation irrespective of other people. Their life is not my life, and vice versa. The main thing is to know the importance of taking things at my own pace.

In this way I learned more about myself. I learned about what it means to really take the time to re-evaluate the things that matter to me (relationships, beliefs, work, etc.), and have a good grasp of where I stand at that point in time in terms of those things. I think one of the biggest parts of growing up is being comfortable with the idea that while you are going through changes yourself, so are the people and everything else around you. You will find that these changes slowly shape your perception of not only who you are and the world, but also your relationship with others. It's important to understand that things cannot and do not remain the same forever, and in time it will bring you to the realization that people in your life may disappoint you more times than you expect. However, sometimes relationships between people reach certain limits too. These limits can be anything from situations that result to people getting hurt, to ones where people just become incompatible with each other. With that in mind, I have come to terms with the fact that sometimes we have to make a decision about who is worth keeping in our life and who should be let go. This is probably one of the hardest things to learn about growing up, but it also strengthens us and pushes us to become a better person.

At the same time, I also realized that even I had a few misconceptions about myself. Not that I thought I was perfect or anything, but I saw myself in a certain way that didn't really match who I actually was, if that makes sense. It wasn't for the sake of anyone either, it was more something that I thought gave me a good idea of the kind of person that I am. I think that's an important part of being able to function as an individual in this world as well – having a good sense of identity and what sets you apart from other people. It came to me that perhaps who I am is actually something more than what I've been telling myself; that there are things about me that I may not like but still need to acknowledge, and that's okay. The fun of living is actually being able to go into each new day and experiencing it, finding yourself. Most of the stress of knowing exactly who you are come from people who probably don't know themselves any better than you know yourself. And in time you come to accept that it's okay to be nowhere, or anywhere. Not everything is about having a future figured out, and not everyone lives for the same reason. It's okay to rebel, it's okay to screw up more than once (provided that you're learning from the experience). It's okay to be unhappy, and it's also okay to put yourself first every once in a while.

Growing up is something that we don't see happening. Only once we've grown do we realize that we've actually gone through some (or a lot of) changes. This is why I don't understand why they (as in, you know, those people) make it such a big deal for children to know what they want to be when they grow up. How about asking who they want to be then they grow up? We are a different person every day. Life is a journey, not a race, and though we have little time to figure things out, we might as well enjoy the ride.

Take care of yourself.

Connected With Celebrities And Musicians

2015-06-03T04:06:00.002-07:00

(Image – Tumblr / studentground)

On a personal level (maybe)

I remember very distinctly saying to a friend of mine how much more I prefer following celebrities and musicians on Instagram rather than Twitter because it seems more personal, and it feels as though there is a stronger involvement or investment from them. Unfortunately, she wasn't very convinced; the difference was not as evident to her as it was (apparently) to me. I guess what I was trying to say is that Instagram insists on an active engagement with the app itself, in the sense that there is a specific process that a person has to go through in order to upload content – taking a photo, choosing a filter, caption, hashtags, location, and so on. Therefore, it's harder to think that there is someone else other than that person creating the content, which means it must be genuine, right? I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this now, but the preference still remains.

(Image – BuzzFeed / Maritsa Patrinos)

Perhaps one of the greatest things that emerged from Web 2.0 is the profound improvement of communication mediums, which enhanced our capacity to connect with whomever, whenever, using platforms such as social networking websites or mobile apps. Each one offers a unique means of creating and sharing content, allowing us to express ourselves and our interests in multiple ways. With the continuous development of technology, we are constantly online and active on mobile devices because of the desire to be connected and to communicate. This in turn has become a significant part of not only our personal relationships and our interactions with the people close to us, but also how we interact with the rest of the world. More specifically, social media has played a role in defining the relationship between celebrities and audiences.

Ideas about the celebrity image put an emphasis on the distinguishing factors that set them apart from non-celebrities. Because of their fame and social status, celebrities tend to be treated with a higher regard than say, you and I. But with the society's immense interest and investment on celebrity culture, what social media has done is that it gave us the opportunity to bridge this gap and extend our connections to these people who seemed too far from our reach. Celebrities and musicians who use social media are communicating with their fans or audiences in a way that was not always possible; they reveal more about themselves by sharing parts of their lives with us, and sometimes they even engage into conversations with us. Ed Sheeran's recent music video for his single 'Photograph' features a compilation of home videos from when he was a baby up until he was in his early teens. The song itself already elicits a lot of emotions, so the video hit a really soft spot in the hearts of Ed's fans (that includes me). It goes to show how some celebrities and musicians nowadays are actively trying to build a certain kind of relationship with their fans that eliminates the separation between them. Twitter in particular has been a popular site of friendly interaction between celebrities and their fans. This article talks about a few celebrities known to respond to their followers on Twitter, including our best friend Taylor Swift.

(Image – Tumblr / sherlockspeare)

Although a number of celebrities and musicians are genuinely enjoying social media regardless of their relationship with the audience, there are still a couple who refuse to get involved, and some who are even strongly against it. The reasoning behind their own personal preferences varies; some speak about their general dislike of social media, and some explain that they are just not fond with the idea of the internet at all. On the other hand, there are celebrities who are concerned with sharing private information to the public, which is completely understandable since they are, after all, people just like the rest of us. This video by Clevver News puts the spotlight on celebrities who are not on social media, including Mila Kunis who was quoted saying, "It frightens me. It does. I just don't think people need to know when I'm going to the rest room." While it is hard to accept that Benedict Cumberbatch does not have any intention to join social media, it is also hard to deny that there are just as many negative things that come from social media as there are positive things. Jimmy Kimmel has a famous segment on his show where celebrities and musicians read and react to mean tweets, which perhaps says more about the people who posted them than social media itself, but nonetheless shows the kind of effect that it has on celebrities as well as everyone else who have access to it.

There has been a lot of ongoing debate about whether or not the people behind the celebrity accounts on social media are actually the celebrities themselves, as well as the authenticity or realness of the interactions between them and their audiences. As we know, social media is a great way to promote names and brands particularly if there is a strong community of dedicated fans involved. Because of this, some people wonder whether celebrities and musicians really care about their fans or just about their sponsors and making money. I came across this article which talks about different ways that brands could use social media to become successful, and yes, it involves celebrities. For example, music videos these days are packed with product placement which of course, helps popularize brands even more. Musicians seem to be more exposed and prone to this kind of activity simply because of how much they benefit from the participation of their followers, and how much they work to make sure that it keeps growing. They are more likely to have their own apps or websites where they sell merchandise, share sneak peeks of new music and other exclusive content, as well as a forum-like system where their fans can interact with each other. An example of this is the band Karmin, who recently uploaded a promotional video for their own app. Amy Heidemann (lead singer) talks about all the neat features of the app, and the benefits of using it including "earning hearts which can buy all sorts of cool things." On the whole, the app does seem like a great way for fans to stay in touch with the band's activities, but of course, ultimately it's all to help fund their music.

Honestly, as nice as it is to think that celebrities or musicians genuinely interact with us, it's also understandable that they are often actively promoting their sponsors and doing what they can to build their network. It's just the way that they make a living, and I accept that, to an extent.

Take care of yourself.

On Losing Friends

2014-11-09T03:33:00.001-08:00

[ Revised and published on Thought Catalog - December 16, 2014 ]

"Until finally one day, you wish them well and move on with your life."
– Anna Akana

Recently, I've come to the realization that – well, the acknowledgement of the realization that things change in time, and though they're not always necessarily bad, you would have to do some adjustments one way or another. About a few weeks or so ago I watched a video uploaded by Anna Akana on YouTube about losing friends, or more precisely, losing friends and knowing how to deal with it and learn from the experience. These days I've been enjoying a lot of Anna's videos and I think part of the reason for that is, other than the fact that her short films are rather intriguing and enjoyable, because she emits such a strong sense of realness when she speaks to the camera. She has a certain way of expressing her ideas that is actually enlightening. I don't know, that might just be me though. Anyway, this particular video really spoke to me and I thought that I would ponder the subject by writing about it. I guess you could treat this as a sort of response or extension to the video.

The sad reality is that, at least once in our lives, we are bound to experience losing or parting ways with someone whom we consider special or important to us. As Anna has mentioned in her video, losing a friend is very much like a break-up, in the sense that any form of interaction that you have with that person in the future will never be the same again. No matter how much either of you try, once you have crossed that line of inescapable complications and incompatibility, everything that you shared with each other will slowly deteriorate (or immediately, depending on how things go down between the two of you), until ultimately letting go is the only option left. Often it's not really anyone's fault, sometimes it's just the situation or the fact that people naturally change over time. Losing a friend is not the greatest feeling in the world, and it doesn't get any easier each time it happens.

Bob the Builder, 1998 - present

The main thing is, it's not a walk in the park. It's more like trying to walk a dog that doesn't like you, right in the middle of a sandstorm. In which case, the problem is neither the dog nor the sandstorm, but rather the question of what the hell you were even thinking in the first place. Perhaps it's just my poor use of figurative language, but don't you think that it kind of makes sense? Why would you put yourself in a situation that is completely beyond your control and ability to cope? Sometimes the best way to go about things is to realize, really realize, that things are the way that they are for a reason and you can't always fix it or do something about it. But I know that it's a lot easier said than done. The thing about us is that we are fixers. We are like, the 'Bob the Builders' of our own lives, and it gets pretty devastating once we find ourselves in a position where the answer to "Can we fix it?" is "No, we can't."

It's almost like an innate thing for us to have this huge storage of seemingly renewable energy for trying our best to make things work. (According to theories of social psychology we do have this fundamental need to belong, and therefore we use resources that are available to us in order to maintain and repair relationships, or something along those lines – I'm sorry, it helps me process.) Of course as we know, this 'storage of energy' is in fact not so renewable, and eventually it wears out. Eventually, we grow tired and we are forced to accept that in life, perhaps more often than we would like, things just get crazy and unpredictability becomes a sign with bright flashing neon lights. I guess unpredictability has always been the sign that we choose to ignore. We were always a fan of order and anticipating and wanting to know. Maybe that's the answer to the biggest questions of life, or anything – unpredictability. The idea that sometimes, things just happen even if nothing makes sense. Friendships could end for no particular reason. Sometimes it's just not up to us, but to time and unpredictability.

There is no doubt that losing someone in life is always sad, in some way, regardless of what happened. Losing a friend, particularly someone who has been a significant part of your life, can be one of the hardest things to experience. But things like that do happen. I'm not trying to make anyone feel depressed or think that in due time we're all going to lose everyone and in the end all we'll ever have is ourselves, I'm just saying that it's an actual part of life and I feel like not enough people talk about it. I guess it's not really that big of a deal to some people. Nevertheless, the important thing, as with anything in life, is to accept and learn from the situation, and to allow yourself time to feel vulnerable about it. Try not to be bitter, even when things do not end well. Leave space in your heart and mind for reflection, and of course remember to look on the brighter side. That's where the party is at.

Right, that's all I have to say for now. I just thought it's an interesting subject that's often overlooked, and I wanted to share my piece. Do check out Anna's video if you have some time to spare, it's very short and sweet.

Take care of yourself.

When Everyone Has Graduated

2014-10-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

(Photo by thom♥)

And I'm still here

There is a certain fear that I often associate with the idea of graduating. The idea of moving on from one stage of life to another – just a general fear of the future, and I guess most people feel the same way. If you think about it, we don't really get a choice about how our future plays out, at least not technically (duh, everyone knows that, Aubrey). What I am trying to say is, sometimes we don't even get the time to think about where we're going. Sometimes we're just forced to move on even when we're not ready, because life keeps happening and progressing with or without us, and there's no other way to go but forward. The future is like this douche that gatecrashes our life party and changes everything, and we're just supposed to accept and live with those changes. It seems like a lot of people think of the future as some kind of 'impending doom' that we will all eventually face. But it's also interesting to consider what actually constitutes 'the future' or 'a future.' I mean, today was the future ten years ago – a week ago – yesterday. It's interesting how we don't realize that we're constantly bending temporal boundaries. I think the thing is, we consider the future to be anything that's not the present, which is just a funny thought. That's not really what I wanted to talk about in this post. God, I get sidetracked so easily.

What I really want to talk about is the fact that in about a year or so, a good 80% of my friends are going to be out of university and will be doing life, like the rest of the world. I feel like at this stage I can't really consider myself an actual member of the world until I've graduated and started making decisions about how I want to live my life, where to live, how to manage costs, bills... You know, grown-up stuff like that. To be honest with you, I like not having to worry about those things right now, I don't mind taking a while in university. But the idea of taking longer than others to figure out life or to do life haunts me a little bit. It's like a euphemism for getting left behind.

Before I moved to New Zealand with my family, I was in my freshman year of high school in the Philippines. Just for a little bit of a background info, the Philippines follows the American system closely when it comes to education (and most other things – COLONIZATION!), which is quite different to what we have here in New Zealand. So naturally, everyone who were in the same batch as me graduated high school about two years before I did. Some of them are now well on their way to finishing their college degrees. It feels weird catching up with them and saying that I'm only on my second year of university (with two and a half more years to go – assuming that I pass everything). It's not like I'm ashamed or anything, it's just weird. But then again, I know very little about college in the Philippines OR in America, so I probably shouldn't say much.

A lot of the people that I know often talk about work and getting jobs and getting paid and moving out and independence, independence, independence (although I would argue that no one is truly independent – no matter what, there is always interdependence – there goes my psych analysis for this post). I guess that's why most of the time I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like I should be getting a job, I should be moving out... I should be doing all these things but I'm not – why is that? I feel like I'm often surrounded by things that make me think that my current position in life is not where I'm supposed to be. That I'm supposed to be somewhere else by now like everyone else. But that doesn't seem right to me, and it puts me in a really weird state most of the time, which isn't too nice.

Often when I think about these things, I realize that as much as I'd like to take my time to get myself together and figure things out, as much as I'd like to think that I've still got all the time in the world (and I know I do), it's still a bit concerning. But I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. I mean, isn't that normal? Doesn't that just make any person more human? I feel like I'm at this point in my life where everyone that I know are going places and it seems like I'm very static and unable to keep up with anyone and that's not really okay but at the same time it is. Yes, sometimes I do wish that I was doing more with my life, but I think that the river runs its course differently for everyone and I'd really like to believe that my river is just stuck in traffic (wait, what?) and is just taking a lot of detours so that I can get to where I need to be safely.

Anyway, I guess the bottom line is to know the importance of not losing sight of who you want to be and where you want to go. Everything in between is just a big roller coaster ride. I shouldn't try to give advice because I'm terrible at following my own advice, but that's the kind of 'take home message' that I want to leave with this post. Whatever you're going through, there's bound to be someone else somewhere who's going through/have gone through the same thing – let's all take a chill pill and eat some tacos together or something.

Take care of yourself.

'Psychoanalysing' Problem

2014-09-23T03:15:00.003-07:00

(Photo by thom♥)

It's quite serious

So when I told my parents that I was going to switch one of my majors from Computer Science to Psychology, their immediate response was "You want to work in HR?" which was kind of weird and interesting at the same time. The actual reason was because I wanted to be a psychologist (more than being a computer scientist that's for sure – if that's still a thing) and I thought that would have been obvious.

But you see, the thing about graduating with a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology is that you don't really qualify for anything close to 'hands-on' psychology, at least not here in New Zealand. Not until you successfully do post-graduate study. Then maybe after a few years or so, assuming the odds are in your favour – here we go again with the references, you can hope to officially call yourself a psychologist. Or maybe just a psycho for investing all that time and money. Props to being in the Academia forever. I'm sorry, I'm not here to judge anyone. Psychology is actually a very interesting field, from the little I've studied of it so far.

Personally, I haven't given it much thought. I mean, being a psychologist would be nice. Being able to help people – like saving lives but in a more abstract way, if that makes sense. I was thinking that if I do decide to go down that pathway I would want to be a Clinical Psychologist. Although Social Psychology is also very interesting, and even Forensic Psychology. At the same time, I'm not sure that I'm willing to dedicate such a large chunk of my life to study and research. (FOR SCIENCE!) Besides, being a psychologist means empirical studies and statistics, and statistics means death. That's actually one of the biggest things that are holding me back, other than the very limited number of places available (11 for Clinical Psychology I believe, and I'm not about to get myself all pumped up or whatever). But what I really wanted to talk about is how I've been experiencing things in my life since I started studying psychology.

Now I know a lot of people have a basic idea of what we do in psychology, which is reading minds and psychoanalysing everyone. It's a harmless judgement and kind of funny, except not really. Anyway, I am currently in the second stage of my psychology study and the paper that I am taking this semester focuses on Social Psychology. Basically the study of how we are affected by others in almost every way possible, whether it is through social contact/interaction, observation, etc. But of course you shouldn't take my word for it so it's probably better to just approach Google (or Bing if you swing that way) if you're interested, even though I should be confident that I know it. If I turn out to be completely wrong, then I will cry in a corner and hide from the world forever – just natural signs of embarrassment, one of the things we covered in the paper.

So okay, I'm not sure if it's just me – honestly I wouldn't be too surprised if it is – but I've been finding myself a lot in situations where it seems like I'm just constantly 'psychoanalysing'. Obviously it's not actual psychoanalysis because I'm not Freud, or a qualified psychologist (or even sure if it's still being practiced clinically). But I mean more in the basic sense of the term, or rather like I've pointed out earlier, the 'pop. psychology' meaning of the term. That is, everything I encounter or that people tell me, I immediately link to what I've learned and therefore think of possible explanations for why they happened. I started noticing it when a friend and I were chatting about some concerns regarding personal matters, and I found myself responding to them in my head: "Oh, that could be because X and Y. Z could be playing a role in it too. We talked about it in Psych." If that doesn't make me sound like a douche, then at least I have that going for me.

Sigmund Freud, 1856 - 1939

What I'm trying to say is that, since studying psychology, or more specifically since the start of my temporary focus on the field of Social Psychology, I've noticed that my interactions with people have never been quite the same. I guess that makes sense, but I wouldn't go as far as to say that it's a good thing. I mean, it's nice to understand why things happen or why people behave the way they do, but once it reaches my closer circles like my friends, significant other or my family, I would at least want to talk to them with utmost sincerity (not to say that I haven't been sincere with them). It's really difficult to cheer someone up without bringing psychology into it as well. That probably says more about me than anything else, but regardless it can be a real struggle. I even do it to myself.

I 'psychoanalyse' myself. Is that a thing? I would look inward and attempt to understand why I am the way I am. Or why I think about things in specific ways. Why I'm even writing a blog post about something (probably) insignificant. Why I just criticized myself for writing about something I'm greatly interested in. Did Freud psychoanalyse himself? [Edit: Yes he did.] In theory, is it even possible to do a proper psychoanalysis of yourself? Subjective psychoanalysis?

I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. I'm just over-thinking things. I tend to do that. Maybe I should just think about it like wanting to help people so much that it encourages me to think deeper and more into the theoretical side of things. Yeah, I could get on board with that.

Take care of yourself.

First Post Writer's Block Phenomenon

2014-08-25T07:59:00.001-07:00

What?

I'm going to try and avoid having to explain the title of this post for as long as I can. Okay? Okay. (Unintended 'The Fault in Our Stars' reference. I recently re-watched the film, so you can't really blame me. Let's get off the subject before this turns into an amateur review.)

Hello there.

That greeting was just as awkward for me as it probably was for you. I haven't done this in a while, and even with that past experience I'm not very... Experienced. I can say that we're already off to a great start here. And that is exactly why I'm starting this blog! Lately I've been feeling the need to find some sort of creative outlet, or really just anything to do so that my days don't strictly consist of assignments and studying and what not. I think this blog will do nicely. Although I might as well mention that I have absolutely no idea what to write about right now. But you know what, I figured that rather than sitting in a corner and wasting my time thinking of a topic for my first post, I should just go for it. Right?

I am currently writing this from a university computer and yes, I'm supposed to be doing some work. But with Melissa Polinar's music in my ears and a few hours gap between classes, I've never been so eager to write. I feel like at this moment I can conquer any assignment that's thrown at me (after writing this blog post of course). It's interesting how moods and feelings that are not usually immediately accessible can be triggered by music.

Melissa Polinar, Singer/Songwriter

If you are unfamiliar with Melissa Polinar and her genius, she's a YouTube-based singer/songwriter and she's absolutely amazing. If you're into acoustic jams and the like, she's definitely one to check out. I've had this song on repeat for the past hour or so. You can say I'm obsessed with it. Beautiful music deserve to have people obsessing over them. I wish Melissa got more recognition for her talents, though. It feels great to listen to her music.

Alright, that's enough. Time for me to face and tackle my own trap. That's what the title of this post is – a trap. I literally pulled it out of nowhere in a failed and slightly pretentious attempt to describe the state that I experience when I start something and find it difficult to actually get started. Like this blog, and specifically this first post, for example.

The 'writer's block phenomenon' is not a new concept, I just tried to be creative by turning it into 'first post writer's block phenomenon.' I know it doesn't make sense, but just roll with it. As I have previously mentioned, I didn't particularly have anything planned for this post, so it ended up being a big mush of random and weakly related things. That's fine though, because that's kind of what I stated in my title anyway – aha! It's weird when I think I'm being clever but I'm actually not.

In all seriousness, I want to treat this blog as a place where I can express my ideas and discover new ones in the process. I'm actually pretty excited. I'm excited about being able to construct and reconstruct a world that is my own, and I want to share this world with everyone. I'm planning on submitting some work to online journals/magazines some time in the near future, in hopes of getting published. [Edit: Check out my post about losing friends that was published on Thought Catalog!] Right now I'm just focusing on refining my skills and gaining experience. I got this.

If you're wondering why I have included a picture of a cat in this post – why not? I thought because this post has been so painfully disorganized I would compensate (or perhaps make it even worse – your pick) with a cat picture. I mean, look at that cat and its fabulous flower crown. Cats are glorious. Pictures are glorious. Everything is ~~awesome~~ glorious. The amount of film references in this post is getting out of hand. That's my cue to stop.

Take care of yourself.