Nokomis

A Hole in the World, Footsteps, Faith

2017-11-27T07:43:00.004-08:00

Healing hurts. I don't think there was a time I DIDN'T know that. But every time it's new, like I didn't know. Every hurt is its own, so the hurt is unique.

There's no way to really prepare for it. It's like the death of someone you love. Maybe they'd been sick for years, their suffering long, the fate imminent, but when the person finally passes, you're still sad. There's no preparation for healing. There's no easy way to hurt and no clear path for moving on. It's a one step at a time process. One foot in front of the other.

So that's what I'm doing.

My feet keep moving, slowly, like one of those zombies from The Walking Dead. No real direction, no real motivation, just moving to not stay still. Maybe what I have to accept is that this is as good as it gets, for now. To not be so frustrated with myself for not having some epiphany of spirit and mind, but instead be supportive of my feet just being able to move. Because they want to collapse. They want to stop and fall back and turn up in the air and rest. And just not go anywhere. And wait. For things to not have happened the way they happened. For what hurt me so bad to not be real. But that's not real. It happened. And it hurt. And the pain is the only thing I'm aware of feeling right now. The movement of my feet is recognizable only from the shuffle I hear from the dirt. I'm hurt.

There's this line from the Eagles song Hole in the World - what an appropriate title - that goes like this,

"They say that anger is just love disappointed"...

Yes.

And it hurts.

Not the anger, the love disappointed. The anger is sort of like a drug. It's a rush of hot, passionate energy that made me feel powerful for a while. It made me feel like I was in control and not the loose lump sagging on the floor where he left me. It's not bad, it's natural. It was me trying to defend myself against the pain that was just inflicted, on my heart.

Yes.

Anger is the fist of the heart,

swinging violently,

trying to ward off the hurt.

It worked for a while, but exhausted quickly. And then, what was left was me, with the hurt, tired and not wanting to move anywhere. Now, In the stillness comes the tears, and in the tears comes a light. I don't want to be down here, here, where I'm still alone.

And nobody is coming for me.

Here is a hollow place.

So I stand up and my feet start to move. And right now, I'm happy they're doing that. Right now, I'm just happy they've got me. They still know how to move. My lungs still know how to breath. And my heart is still beating. I'll never know how it does that after it's been broken. I don't want to know. I'm glad for it. That's what I know. That some how, some way, things are working for me, without me knowing how, or why. They're working for me, despite me not wanting to participate at all. Despite me, things are working for me. So I must still be worth something. For some reason. I think that's what faith is, no? The shuffling, zombie footsteps, where someone else has taken the lead, and you're just following along, half alive,

not understanding why,

but still standing.

And moving,

One step at a time.

thank you, @

http://thepsychmind.com/ for the perfect quote.

Chris Matthews: Breaking Through

2016-10-03T09:01:00.002-07:00

http://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/todd-why-is-trump-asking-people-to-watch-porn-776463427978

Here it is. (Above). Watch and exhale!
A video of immense importance.
The Morning Joe discussion on MSNBC from this past Friday (9/30/2016).
It does two things that are damn near impossible:
1.) Makes sense of this election
2.) Demonstrates our Press actually doing its job

This segment shows not only the intellect but the wisdom of Mr. Chris Matthews as he nails the Trump phenomenon AND gets to the heart of the American middle class in under 5 minutes.

Catch Mr. Matthews on Hardball weeknights at 7 p.m. EST http://www.msnbc.com/hardball

"When you get it, you get it, and you can get there quickly."

https://twitter.com/NokomisMichelle/status/782962562782691328

I am so glad someone was listening - actually listening - not repeating, redistributing, retweeting, sharing, tagging or just regurgitating, but ACTULLY LISTENING to what is import to Americans. Sometimes, you can't articulate what's wrong because so much is wrong at the same time. Chris Matthews made sense out of all the chaos. Why isn't this man running for President? Unfortunately peoples are so angry they probably wouldn't listen. Heck, I know strict Catholics voting for Trump, even though he, beyond all other candidates, degrades all Catholic ideals. People are just so angry, disheartened, depressed and, sorry to say, desperate. The change that Obama ran on did not come - at least not fast enough or big enough - to reach the impulsive mentality of the American metaconscience. And so now, we want to get on board with the guy who attacked him every year of his presidency.

- Hey! My world isn't perfect after Obama - Obama was supposed to change the American government, the status quo, of the last 40 years - and since that didn't happen in 8 years, we should listen to the guy who hated him all along - Donald Trump

Maybe he was right all along? Maybe Obama was a liar, a status-quo politician in sheep's clothing?
Unfortunately, people expect change today as quickly as they expect their emails to load, their tweets to update, their likes and responses on Facebook to appear.

That is not the way change works.

The redistribution of wealth, the balancing of our treasury, the stabilization of our economy, this is not point-and-click stuff. Many people voting for the first time do not know this. They were raised with calculators and "modeling" (it's a teaching strategy that's as ineffective as time-outs, Google it) in math class, smart phones with instant messages, they didn't have to learn how to temper their impulses and struggle for answers. This is a lesson lost on many voters, and it is a problem for all of us. They have lost or never developed those necessary neuro-pathways that enable them to discern the slow-moving, that enable them to pick-up on details and that allow them to be patient and not balk at the first sign of resistance. We have to get it back.

Another thing we have to get back? Parents.
The Prince and Princess of Wales were also making headlines today (as is often the case).

http://www.justjared.com/2016/10/02/prince-william-kate-middleton-wave-goodbye-to-canada-with-prince-george-princess-charlotte/

Enjoy these photos from Just Jared at http://www.justjared.com/

The powerful impact it had on me was shocking but telling. I realized in scrolling those photos of the happy family of four, not posed but candid, that those children may never know how fortunate they are, not only for their billions of dollars, their titles, or their influence, but for their parents! They have parents who spend more of the day with them than away from them. That is not the case with many of our children, who are predominately raised in daycare, spending up to 60 hours a week away from BOTH PARENTS, from the tender age of 12 weeks. This isn't a moral judgment, it's an alarm. In doing what we thought was right, we've been wrong, and we've got to fix that.

https://twitter.com/NokomisMichelle/status/782934249129254913

"You don't run away with a walk-away-Joe because you're pissed at your parents"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCdCuduv0H0

(Trisha Yearwood's lovely song where I stole the walk-away-Joe phrase. Have a listen. It's powerful, she's amazing and a young Matthew McConaughey stars in the video!)

Donald Trump is far from a solution, certainly not the cure, but his popularity has brought many vital problems to the surface- issues that are integral to who we are as a United people - and THAT is what we should be listening to and talking about.

On a personal note: I don't understand why Sanders fell to the wayside.

I'm confused too Mr. Sanders

I guess when you mention the word "Socialism" people stop listening, smh

The sad truth is what Mr. Sanders talked about didn't need the title "Socialism". It should have been called the "Get Back to US-ism", because that is what his policies offered us. Hand-outs for the poor? No way. Just not continued hand-outs for the rich (which is, decidedly, what has harmed our economy and our social structure more than any other change in government policy). Yet I get why voting 3rd party is dangerous - because of Trump and the false solution that he is.

Special thanks to:

http://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe Cast and Crew of Morning Joe

http://www.msnbc.com/hardball Chris Matthews and Hardball

http://www.justjared.com Just Jared staff

https://twitter.com/NokomisMichelle and me, shameless self- promoter, Michelle Santagate @NokomisMichelle

Fantasy World

2016-04-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Magic.Wizards.com for supplying the beautiful image.

Fear of Love

2016-04-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

Alan Rickman

2016-01-14T13:55:00.002-08:00

I have had to shut my shit down...
I just can't.
Alan Rickman!!!
How? Why?
Cancer yes, but since when? Is it just because I live in America? Did the Brits know?
I feel side-swiped. He was, well, he was ...
...Family. Or, at least if I could have chosen my parents, he would have been one. Emma Thompson the other. So excellent that they got along splendidly in real life!

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/9xvyEwHu-xk" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

In many ways they did raise me, at least in as much as a person's public example can guide and direct the course of another person's life. Because hands down I wanted- want- to be like them: intelligent, talented, funny and conscientious. He was completely unique, defining his own category- people could impersonate him, but never replicate him. Wasn't it just yesterday he was on Jimmy Fallon?

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/xgxwLQsM0iM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

And certainly, no one will ever replace him. I'm devastated, in a way that most could only justify with the passing of a family member. But he was like family, even if only through musings. I live so often in the world I create in my mind that maybe that is the reason. But It wasn't about fantasies - he inspired me. And that inspiration held me through some horrible times. Just knowing he had made it, a man whose acting career was actually his second profession, he got his start later in life, a student at RADA at the age of 27. Rare find. Because he was shy, and funny, elegant but awkward. He was perfect in his contrasts, an odd-ball that out-shone the sun. In the wake of David Bowie, another surprising death, and cancer, once again. I'm shaking my head here just to ward of dizziness.

When I was 13 I had such a crush on Kevin Costner, still adore him, and went to see Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, subsequently purchasing the video tape when it came out about a year later. I watched that video repeatedly, until I wore it out. Years later, when I was a young mother and my life had changed quite a bit, I popped in the video to re-watch my old favorite. About a half hour in I realized that I was fast forwarding the movie, watching only the scenes featuring the Sheriff of Nottingham. It dawned on me then how brilliant the actor was. He was absolutely extraordinary. Not for his silliness, or even his trademark sound, but for how much his talent and energy had done with such an underachieving role and script. He made the film. So at the film's end I diligently watched the credits to learn his name. Alan Rickman. That day I went to my town library and rented every movie they had on the shelves with his name attached to it. I believe I brought home, Die Hard (I'd never seen it) Something The Lord Made, Dogma, Sense and Sensibility, and Galaxy Guest. Talk about diversity. Dogma became one of my all-time favorite films (I was already a Kevin Smith fan) and I fell in love with the syncopated, hypnotic brilliance that is -was- always will be Alan Rickman. I determined that if I could be even one half the actor that man was, I'd stand among the greats. The roles he chose revealed how much fun he was, his innocent spirit. He chose roles because they excited him, amused him, challenged him, interested him and that characteristic enthusiasm continued throughout his career. Though most knew him as the greatest of villains, Mr. Rickman pointed out during an interview that, in film, he'd really only played two major villains. With just those two roles however he redefined "the villain", making the antagonist role more appealing than the protagonist. He could steal a scene just by raising his eyebrow. He was delicious and irresistible. He is forever irreplaceable. I'm so sorry the world lost his shine. I'm so grateful to have been touched by it.

Platform 3

2015-10-01T07:43:00.001-07:00

After all this time, I finally have

a blog.

I don't blog everyday. It's a burden too great for me. Everyday is not the day I feel something inspired. So I wait. And sometimes it takes too long. But it always comes eventually. Today is one of

those days.

"This is all about a boy, just to warn you,..."

I was standing on Platform 3 at the Stamford station waiting for my train to arrive. The feelings running through me, swarming and churning like the air of this tropical storm we're expecting, were a rapture inside me and the heat from their tumult was making me flush.
This is all about a boy, just to warn you, so if you feel that is too plebeian a topic for this grand introduction discontinue reading. You will only be disappointed. Because these thoughts, the ones that came and finally inspired another blog, are all about a boy; a boy I wish I could dignify these feelings with by calling a man but alas, no. That's not meant as a dig. He is everything delicious and irresistible that could and have inspired such feelings but if you knew him, believe me, boy is the better description. Did I fall in love with him? I don't know. I don't think so but none the less he affected me and deeply so what does it matter that it wasn't (or may have been) love? It was movement and it has shaken me. Thankfully some coherent thoughts have finally surfaced, after all the muck and steam, fractured rock and molten lava of emotions have run themselves out, and I can finally articulate something useful from this experience. As I stood on Platform 3, looking at the empty train tracks just beneath me I realized this: when you decide to change the things you like to make another person happy you are moving in the wrong direction. If you are (and by YOU I mean ME) ignoring or neglecting those things in your life, putting aside those people in your life, that are important to you in order to enjoy time and experiences with this new person but they are making none of those sacrifices for you - they, in fact, only make time when they have no other option or opportunity that beckons - you have an absolute obligation to the sanctity of your person to end that relationship. Because clearly you value them but they do not value you. And if they are not reciprocating the value you place on them then you, whether or not maliciously- say, by default-, are being devalued. That is not something you can allow. Unfortunately it is also not something you can change. You can't change someone else's perceptions. You can't change someone else's values or priorities. You can't change someone - period. You can of course inspire someone to change, but that sort of inspiration is not
usually intentional.
I digress.
Staring at the train tracks I realized I had no choice but to make the decision I made and move on from this bit of deliciousness that had me licking my lips as well as my tears. I valued him. I looked forward to our interactions and missed him in his absence. Happiness would flood me when he'd connect and melancholy when we'd say goodbye. Normal stuff when you're attracted to somebody. Natural. And so the choice to move away from it seemed almost irrational. In fact it came as an impulsive response to a discovery I made late one night but also it had been building for some time and really just erupted from that final strain. I'm sorry he didn't see my worth. I'm sorry he didn't find value in those things I was offering him. I'm sorry he didn't reciprocate my interest equally. But it makes no sense to stay where you're sorry about so much. And the same goes for him. To stay with somebody who is always moving in a different direction, who expects more than they are willing to give, or, better stated, who expects more than you can give while maintaining your own happiness, why are you staying? What fantasy has possessed your mind so integrally that your are walking through life with your eyes wide open but not seeing a thing. Oh please don't call it love. We have to get rid of that antiquated, wholly inaccurate and completely dangerous use of the word, that what I just described is love. It most certainly is not. It's escape. It's addiction. It's a high. It is not love. I have felt real, true, pure and unconditional love, and I guarantee it does not make you blind or high or float or fly - it makes you free! It makes you see. It's makes you better then you were before not
lost at sea.

from Breathethefullest.tumblr.com - Anhung Photography

Lost at Sea by Victoria Obscure - DeviantArt

Lost at Sea by Inessa-emilia - DeviantArt

Believe me, love lifts you to higher levels on your own two feet. You can't loose yourself if it's really love because love requires your presence and continued participation. You are a part of love; when you get lost it ceases to exist. I don't think I loved this person because I never had the chance to really know him, or show him who I was, to be completely present in his presence. I needed more time. And to invest more time I needed more reciprocity.
The ingredients weren't there. He wasn't present. Physical proximity had nothing to do with it. I know you can feel lonely in the physical presence of one person and warmth from the sound of someone's voice over the phone. It's about the energy they share with you. But they have to share. If not they are a black hole and you will be lost forever. So I found myself on Platform 3 this morning while waiting for the express train. I found myself hurting and sad but finally okay with my decision to disconnect from a person that will continue to bring a smile to my face every time I remember his face, his smile, the sound of his voice. I can't imagine not looking lovingly at our photos. Right now, I can't imagine not missing him. Thankfully I'm not that 20 year old girl I used to be. The one that didn't know that the hurt eventually subsides and that new, equally wonderful things follow. So I take solace in my daily routine, dropping off my son at school, waiting for my train, stressing over deadlines and looking forward to weekend plans with friends, because my life experiences have taught me that moving forward is the only way to start a whole new journey.

Anhung Photography

Thank you to @breathethefullest.tumblr.com
http://breathethefullest.tumblr.com/post/50595385264
(Anhung Photography)

Thank you to VictoriaObscure @DeviantArt
http://victoriaobscure.deviantart.com/
www.victoriaobscure.com

Thank you to Inessa-emilia @DeviantArt
http://inessa-emilia.deviantart.com/
www.inessrychlik.com

Sunshine: Montauck

2015-08-03T07:12:00.001-07:00

...they'd removed their self from my life and even if it meant that I wouldn't get the last word, it was good thing.

Has anyone ever been careless with you?
Their behavior toward you resembled the way a two-year old treats the pasta on their plate,
all haphazardly stuck in between their fingers
so it hangs off their tray and ends on the floor?

I will admit it has happened to me one too many times
and happened again recently. But this most recent
time I was a very different person. My reaction to the delayed
realization that not only did I not play any significant role in this person's
life and that they'd never want me to was not depression or
sadness or self hatred. Instead it was an over whelming sense of
release and joy at the fact that I never had to see them again,
they'd removed their self from my life and with that removal took with them
all the confusion, hurt, anxiety and shade they'd brought with them
and even if it meant that I wouldn't get the last word, it was good thing.

The absolute most important thing when dealing with someone
who is careless with you is watching them leave your life. It doesn't matter
if it was preceded by a brilliant monologue about how they never deserved
you or how they irritated the shit out of you anyway. None of that matters as
much as the fact that their cloud has cleared from your life and the sunlight
is once again kissing your face.

This morning I am sun kissed, tired from too much fun this weekend and blissfully
at peace once again. I encourage you all to stay out of the shade, live
in the light and if you ever see clouds rolling in flank yourself with
those people who you are precious to. Those who treat you like a two-year-old
treats their favorite doll or blanket- the ones who would cry if they
lost you and who smile just because you're near. Even on an overcast
day, you'll feel the light and warmth.

Some really helpful links to GREAT travel options when visiting Montauk, NY:

The address below will take you directly to Suffolk County's campground portal. You will need their
Green Key pass- sort of the park pass for the session- but it's not expensive, even for non-residents, and well worth the investment (about $40 for the year!):

http://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/Departments/Parks/RecreationalActivities/Camping.aspx

Cedar Point State Park in East Hampton was where we camped for the weekend. It was a FANTASTIC facility! No hard core camping, really easy stuff with hot water showers ( no coins required ), conveniently located restroom facilities, trails, swimming on Gardiners Bay and a great location that allowed us to experience so much more of the area including: local vineyards and fresh farm stands!! Call for information: (631) 324-7147
http://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/Departments/Parks/Parks/CedarPointCountyPark.aspx

TripAdvisor about Cedar Point State Park:
http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g47629-d3534968-Reviews-
Cedar_Point_County_Park-East_Hampton_Long_Island_New_York.html

Hither Hills is located right on the beach in Montauk, NY but be aware it is for Campers with Trailers only! The surf on Montauk Beach is phenomenal, really intense and fun.

http://wavecation.com/hither-hills-campground

and here's a Trip Advisor about Hither Hills:
http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g48194-d532103-r36532175-
Hither_Hills_State_Park-Montauk_Long_Island_New_York.html

Montauk only has 2500 permanent residents! This young lady is one of them: Quincy Davis

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqK1dtUiYMA
Girls, don't chase surfers, Chase waves!!

Day Care Debauchery

2015-06-11T09:52:00.002-07:00

A practical mind and high school education is all your child care worker needs

Daycare workers DO NOT NEED and they certainly SHOULD NOT be required to hold a Bachelor's degree. Anybody who thinks childcare is something that requires four years of higher education is fooling themselves on MANY levels.
#1 they're trying to console themselves for leaving their children by requiring the caretakers to be
     over-qualified.
#2 It's another vine in the economy-choking, for-profit "non-profit", educational system in this
     country that has invented a bachelor's degree FOR EVERY FREAKING JOB UNDER THE SUN,
     a.) making a mockery of everything that a Bachelors degree once meant and
     b.) further choking the American people with TREMENDOUS debt before they even start
          making money.

How dare anybody require a degree that costs, on average, $100,000 to finance for a job that pays, at MAX $15 an hour.
WHAT!!!???? You have to be FUCKING kidding me.
If this is what you believe is right, if you're actually buying into this over marketed, hyped-up line of crap that says a bachelors degree makes a person safer and more effective with your children then you are part of the problem. Step down. Stay home. Raise your own kids. Because seriously,
you can't afford a person that has had to earn a bachelors degree to raise your child.

Nobody who has spent the time and money for a higher education should be hired for anything under $20 an hour, minimum. Certainly not in my neck of the woods ( Fairfield County, Connecticut ).
And if every daycare worker were earning $20 per hour believe me, your full time job probably wouldn't pay the daycare bill.

Daycare workers commonly get paid between $9 and $12 per hour. Yes, that's IT!!! And that's what Day Cares depend on to price their weekly services at the relatively affordable $250 per child/ per week. Caretakers you are entrusting your children's lives to are paid a wage that they can't pay rent on. In other words, they're being paid the same wage as grocery store baggers, and less then gas station attendants. But certainly most of them take VERY good care of your children. THEY BETTER!!!! Legislation has wrapped them up in so much red tape so that you feel safe about leaving your kids in their hands that those hands practically can't move to change your kids' diapers!!! So not only do they get choked by the law, they get choked by the debt that their ridiculously low salary earns them and for all this NOW they are also being EXPECTED to hold a Bachelors degree that, ON AVERAGE, costs $100,000!!.

That's right folks- $100,000 is AVERAGE for the cost of a four year BA degree. That's IF you're going to a state school, like UCONN, that costs $25,000 PER YEAR. If you go to private schools, you're EASILY looking at a $200,000 - $250,000 debt.
Welcome to fucking reality people. This is what your ignorance and lack of participation in your community has left you with. The only option being to pay a LIFE TIME to be eligible for a job that will not provide for any life style any where in this country.

How dare you.
Seriously.
SHAME SHAME SHAME on each and every single one of you who expect anyone to
#1 work for a wage that does not cover basic living expenses   and
#2 be required to finance a $100,000 degree in order to do so.

NO.
Just NO!

Don't believe me?
Here's some other people who will back me up. And you should, at least, believe them. A few have REALLY EXPENSIVE degrees from Ivy League schools (Ooooo ) so you should feel safe enough to listen to them (though my common sense summed it up above):

The United States Department of Labor: Bureau of Labor Statistics
http://www.bls.gov/ooh/personal-care-and-service/childcare-workers.htm

National Center for Education Statistics
http://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=76

That's right. As of 2012 the median wage for a Day Care worker was $9.38 sense per hour. Of course it is currently 2015. Based on their 14% rate increase over the next 10 years (that's 10 years from 2012 mind you) that means that by 2022 ( I learned how to add in elementary school ) the average wage should have been raised a whopping $1.31 (that's 14% of 9.38 - just use a calculator) to $10.69 per hour. In 2022!!
WHAT!!!!! ?????
And for 2015 that would make the average wage $9.77 per hour!!!!
How do I know this? Because I learned how to find the percentage of a whole number in the 5th grade. It turns out I didn't need a Bachelor's degree for that either.
Go figure.

Now, of course, this is the median wage. Fairfield County would fall on the higher end of the spectrum. As I said above, the average wage for a Day Care worker in this area is $12 per hour. According to the Dept. of Labor these jobs require only a high school diploma. Because that's all they should require. That makes more sense. The only people that should be ASKED, not required but ASKED, to hold a BA are those that will run the business side of the Day Care, administering to payroll and insurance for employees, staffing and management as well as the over seeing of compliance with town, state and federal protective laws and regulations. All this can be a bit more in-depth and a higher education would provide a good foundation for understanding it all. Still, only experience really teaches it all and therefore not everyone may need a BA to know it all. Just depends.

As for pre-school teachers,
I believe that you should only be required to have mastered the level of education you are expected to teach. For example, our primary school teachers are required to have a Master's degree to teach ...
wait. Hold on a minute. They're required to hold a Master's degree to teach up to the 12th grade.
Oh yeah but wait, we already know that they're over educated and under paid.
SMH.
You don't have to know calculus and a foreign language, as well as Grecian philosophy and Leaves of Grass to work with a little person between the ages of 16 weeks!!! (Seriously, Lord Byron would be lost on them) and four years!!! You have to know how to discipline fairly, teach cooperation amongst piers and the ABCs. That's it. Skills and knowledge we've all learned by the end of the 5th grade, hopefully.

But at least a teacher's wages are remotely fair. They do, after all, get to join a union that's powerful and earn tenure that makes them un-fireable after only three years. So there is compensation, but certainly not enough.

Requiring an individual to earn a BA just to feed a baby is BS!

Back to Day Care: These workers aren't even guaranteed health insurance. And how could they afford it when their wages are so low to begin with? So after paying them a wage that leaves them dependent upon their parents, spouse or welfare to enable them to afford a living (even when they work full-time) we're going to add insult to injury by now requiring a Bachelor's degree???
How?
And what kind of convoluted mind do you have if you think a Day Care worker needs a Bachelor's degree? Seriously? They're wiping your kids' dirty asses and soothing them through temper tantrums, they don't need a God-Damn BA for that!!! Any Day Care or pre-school asking for a BA should be shut down for labor violations. Seriously. It's oppressive and America is supposed to be better then that. A Bachelor's degree is not something you look for in a child care worker. Patience, wisdom, firmness and practicality are. As of yet, no college has invented a BA program for those skills and if they're guaranteeing you those qualities because someone went through their pre-school teaching BA program, they're selling you tonic water. You can't guarantee those qualities. You can't teach those qualities. Some people have them, some don't, degree or no.

Enjoy, or at least be enlightened by, this little ditty from
Information Station:
https://www.informationstation.org/kitchen_table_econ/how-the-government-is-making-your-college-tuition-more-expensive/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=googlegrants2015&gclid=CIuLzLrsh8YCFcWPHwodWw4Agg

Sad but true. Wake up America, we're being raped in the name of higher education and safety. Stop buying into it and start being able to pay your mortgages again!

Duggar: Pedophile

2015-05-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

A person can't stop being a pedophile. They can't. As of right now, in medicine, there is no known cure for the mental disorder
that is pedophilia. Praying may help a person to never become an offender, or- if it's too late for that- to restrain from
offending again, but it is a life long struggle.
Seriously.
Just ask admitted pedophiles. Non-offenders that own their illness and try to seek help for it.
They do exist.
Really:
http://www.upworthy.com/this-19-year-old-pedophile-has-never-gone-near-a-child-and-he-needs-you-to-hear-his-story?g=2
And it's something they have to work at everyday. Most decide to avoid parenthood- for obvious reasons.
Even though they'd like to be parents, they decide it's best to choose a different path.
Unfortunately these individuals do not get half as much help as they need. Even the most advanced psychiatry shies
away from these people.
Bad choice.
If we helped these people we could plug the problem at the source.
Instead their offending counter-parts get all of our attention. We hate them. They disgust us.
What they do or have done makes our skin crawl.
And for good reason. Even in prison, they are the most hated and preyed upon inmates.
We as a community have decided that this, child rape and molestation, is the MOST heinous of all crimes.
Okay.
So why aren't we trying to stop it by treating the source?
If we'd demystify this topic, stop hating and start researching, then potentially it would be easier for
individuals (usually male, but not always) to seek help before they offend.
The limited research that has been done tells us that pedophilic tendencies start to emerge during puberty.
The average age is about 13, but we all know it's a spectrum.
These kids find themselves confused at first, not realizing that they may have a problem.
Because they are 13 being attracted to 10 year olds doesn't seem that far off.
It's when their age increases and their subjects' ages decrease that the problem becomes clearer. Unfortunately
then there is too much self-disgust and fear to say anything to anyone.
Even a licensed psychiatrist.
Most psychiatrists won't take these people as patients.
How exactly is that helping anyone?
It doesn't.
Most especially it puts our children at risk. Because someone with a closet case is a dangerous individual.
Having not fully accepted themselves, how can they fully control themselves?
Not talking about this issue pragmatically and medically is hurting us all.
I imagine this is what this Josh Duggar experienced as a teenager. And in such a severely religious family,
where exactly could he turn with these urges?
His victims.
And that's what happens.
And, usually, keeps happening.
What is sickening about this case is that everyone seems more concerned about the fate of the television show
then the girls, now I'm assuming young women, that Duggar molested.
(pause)
I'm sorry, I couldn't write for a second. My stomach was turning.
Whatever the Duggars, Josh included, would like to believe, he is NOT cured, or over this illness. It isn't some
teenage thing that just goes away. A teenager developing a healthy sex drive is, excuse my crudeness, jerking off
to photos (or videos) of grown women, not little girls.
This isn't just a THING that disappears with prayer, penitence OR a summer spent doing landscaping work for family friends.
That man, Josh Duggar, needs a specialist. That whole family does (because they obviously have not accepted the severity of
their son's/brother's/HUSBAND'S/FATHER'S) condition.
That's a REAL BIG PROBLEM.
MUCH bigger then some stupid show.
And the idea that TLC has any choice but to cancel this show is crazy in itself.
I don't know why anyone would even ask. Reality TV has been harsh on other stars like
Paula Dean and The Duck Dynasty Folks (and their offenses weren't as bad as child molestation)
as well as the Honey Boo Boo clan.
This show is good and canceled folks. And it should be.
Because a family that uses God, Christianity and conservatism as a smoke screen for
defending child molestation is NOT a family that deserves a television show.
What on God's earth was that dumb-ass Huckabee thinking? Does he want everyone to
stop voting conservative for all eternity?
Why doesn't he pay Sandusky a couple prison visits while he's at it?
Put some money on his commissary.
That guy is an idiot.
Beyond the mess in the press though,
much more importantly,
we have to start dealing with molestation like adults instead of scared and hateful children.
If we allow the psychiatric community to conduct the research it needs to really start treating this
illness, we could save a lot of innocent kids, who deserve better from all of us.
Getting back to my biggest concern: the victims-
I believe children who are raped and/or molested that have parents or surrounding adults that instead defend
or protect the perpetrator are the ones that will most likely grow up to be adults with permanent mental
issues of their own. Just imagine, your older brother creeps into your room at night and feels your private parts
but your parents defend him.
And what exactly did the Duggars do for their victimized daughters? For the other girls that their son attacked?
There hasn't been any discussion of this, AT ALL!
BUT THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!!!
What?! Why?! How?! has this slipped everybody's interest?
Oh God.
We all need serious help.

A MUST READ- the link is in the body of the blog above but it's too important to not list again:
the most unique and I would argue important report on this topic created to date:
http://www.upworthy.com/this-19-year-old-pedophile-has-never-gone-near-a-child-and-he-needs-you-to-hear-his-story?g=2

LINKS TO OTHER STORIES ON THIS TOPIC:
<a href="http://www.msn.com/en-us/music/celebrity/bette-midler-weighs-in-on-josh-duggar-molestation-allegations-is-there-anything-more-delicious-than-irony/ar-BBkgN1f"></a>
(MSN Entertainment)
http://www.cnn.com/2015/05/21/us/josh-duggar-child-molestation-allegations/
(CNN- Dana Ford)
http://www.cnn.com/2015/05/22/politics/josh-duggar-molestation-2016-conservatives/index.html (Mike Huckabee)
(CNN, Politics - Alexandra Jaffe)

The Right Choices:Rent Gets in the way of dreams (drafted three years ago- 2012)

2015-05-05T09:48:00.001-07:00

For the past week I've been possessed by a sort of irritability. I know it's coming from inside because I can't escape it. My skin itches and I've developed a rash without. My life is out of balance and I'm not happy.

The problem is I've been doing everything right.

As of Sept. 3rd I started back to school working now on my Master's degree in Criminal Justice/ABA.

In Criminal Justice/ABA.

What the hell am I doing?

Since I was small, maybe four years old, I've knew what I wanted to do. I used to tape myself singing on tape recorders. I volunteered for every performance group in every school I was ever in.

In third grade I put together an interpretation of The Wizard of Oz to perform in our class room angry that we weren't allowed to perform it in the auditorium.

I tried to form a rock-band.

In Middle School I lost touch with myself. It was a miserable time. Thank God I had a chorus teacher that forced us to put on a musical she'd written. It still serves as the vehicle for my strongest school memories from that period in my life. I still remember the stage direction requests I made to her the afternoon I auditioned.

High School could have been FAME for me. I should have gone to a performing arts school. I swear I worked from 5:30 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. everyday before school so I could pay for ballet lessons in the city. People new me as an actress.

People new me as a good actress.

And now I'm studying Criminal Justice and I haven't performed since 2009.

I'm really done making the right choices.

They've made me nothing but miserable.

I'm going back to making the all wrong ones. Because I liked myself much better

before I became what I had to be and forgot who I am.

If I have to wait tables to pay rent I'd rather be auditioning during my free time.

It's what I do.

It's who I am.

And it's high time I stop trying to be somebody else.

I do love behavior analysis but what I'm learning is, I've been doing it all along minus the terms and tables. Actors watch people all the time to understand what motivates them, what affects them and how they react to it all. We do this, I do this, intuitively and though I've never written it down or composed a behavior chart to instruct somebody else how to do it, I bet I could have if asked. Actors study behavior and they articulate it with actions. Writers study behavior and they articulate it with words. Both are far more interesting then tables and terms.

I'm sad because I miss who I am.

I'm sad because maybe I wasn't talented enough to pay my rent on it.

But whatever the harsh reality, this reality is making me miserable and I don't want to be miserable

anymore.

I miss myself and she's been nagging me and gnawing me from the inside to make me notice her.

That's what's going on here. I gotta get back to being together. And the only way that's going to happen is being brave enough to find a way to pave my way in the direction I actually want to go.

Rent gets in the way of dreams.

But the only thing that buries them is cowardice and I've been really lame lately.

Doing all the right things.

For all the right reasons.

And ending up in the wrong state of mind.

What my next move will be - I don't know.

Realizing what I've just related, It feels good.

Met Gala 2015: THAT DRESS!!!

2015-05-05T09:21:00.001-07:00

God I love pageantry. It barely exists anymore. Even the Oscars/Emmy's/Grammy's- they don't come close, even, to that remarkable Ascot scene from My Fair Lady.
I know you remember:

Yeah. That one. PAGEANTRY. BIG Hats, CRAZY Embellishments, Over the top POOF! That's pageantry. Today we generally refer to it as Costuming. And that's it. That's the only place it's allowed. In Vegas at some leggy show or in a period movie. That's it. It's so sad. Certainly this is not the style of choice for grocery shopping, i.e. it's not for everyday, but come on! A bit more BIG in our special occasions PLEASE!

Thank goodness the Met Gala agrees and once a year we get PAGEANTRY. Crazy, over the top and BIG, BEAUTIFUL fashions that transform the wearer into a show piece.
Sigh.
God I love this stuff.
The talk of the Met Gala this year was Rihanna. And one look at her dress shows why. She glides up that long, regal, red-carpeted stair case in a jaw dropping Guo Pei design. Here it is on the run way:

Guo Pei don't play.
She designs larger then life, wildest imagination creations for both men and women. Her models look like they've stepped out of an Asian Fantasy film set in the time before time, after forever.
And I LOVE them! She's quite an extraordinary lady actually. She won my heart with this statement:
"Too many people around me say they love my dresses but cannot afford them. That makes me sad because I am not a designer for the minority," - Guo Pei

I'm inspired to know there is a good, kind heart beating in the same body with an anything-is-possible brain. Enjoy some more of her dreamy fashions:

Pageantry. Marvelous.
But notice the continuity of marvelous from top to bottom. Guo Pei does not stop at the dress. She festoons and bedazzles the hair, the wrists and arms and the Shoes! Well, I could never walk in 8 inch platforms but they match the rest of the outfits perfectly.
This is where I run into a problem with Rihanna's look:

Mad credit to Rihanna for exhibiting this fabulous fashion and bringing pop cultures attention to the brilliance of Guo Pei, but she sort of just looks wrapped in a big yellow blanket. Take a look at the run way photo again:

See what I mean? Rihanna has left out the embellishments, the matching hair and jewels, the breast plate! She made a fair attempt with her head dress, but her hair!? It's a hair style for Sunday school, not a gala! And, in my humble opinion, the shoes fall short too. They sparkle, no doubt, but the style is so bland when accompanying such an over the top drapery. I shake my head because in previous years, with much more subdued outfits, Rihanna has had hair styles that would have been much more appropriate for this years stunner. For example:

Admittedly I am no fashion expert. I usually don't even blog about fashion. But being an actress and in love with the dramatic, how can I not pay attention to The Met Gala??? Like I said, not even the red carpet at the Oscars is as heart stopping. I credit Ms. Rihanna for stepping out in such a cloak, but you can't go half way with such things. When you have a train that's so long it's still at the bottom of the stair case when you're at the top, you've gotta have some big hair to go with it. It just doesn't feel right without it. My favorite look for the evening was Kim Kardasian:

Ms. Kardashian/ Mrs. West, you knocked this one out of the park! Or, rather, out of the Met. I mean
WOW! The look was dramatic and over the top but elegant and demure. And how you achieve demure when you're dress is mostly see-through I just can't say, but she did it! This look is FABULOUS! And Kanye's choice of velvety black was a perfect match. They did a great job this year.
I'm so happy there is at least one day each year where American's can experience this kind of show.
Our culture here in general is subdued and function focused. I certainly don't fit in. I LOVE this dramatic and dreamy stuff! But especially where our "Big Events" are concerned, We've streamlined so much out of our culture that this kind of yearly display is necessary.

Please enjoy some of the articles below for expert reviews of the fabulous looks at this year's Met Gala. There are so many more impressive looks to enjoy.

US WEEKLY:
http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-style/news/met-gala-2015-kim-kardashian-channels-beyonces-2012-look-see-photos-201555 (gives a pretty strong argument for Kim's inspiration for the dress. But honestly, I just think she and Beyoncé have such similar figures that the same style of dresses look good on them. If you're a woman being photographed by hundreds and seen by millions, wouldn't you want to be wearing a dress that flatters your figure? )

MSN.COM Lifestyle
http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/celeb-style/the-best-looks-from-the-2015-met-gala/ss-BBjbCKu
(A great slide show of the best looks)

CNN
http://www.cnn.com/2015/05/05/entertainment/met-gala-2015-beyonce-rihanna-memes-feat/
(Under breaking news! Serious CNN even got in on the action!)

PEREZ HILTON
http://perezhilton.com/category/met-gala/?from=tab_3#.VUjpUq7D-Uk
(Mr. Hilton gave the Gala it's own Tab!)

And Please enjoy these articles on the wonderful Ms. Guo Pei. I'm excited to see more of her:

VANITY FAIR
http://www.vanityfair.com/style/2015/05/story-behind-rihanna-red-carpet-winning-met-gala-dress
(about the Guo Pei Rihanna wore at the Met Gala)

GUO PEI's Facebook page
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Guo-Pei/485189155690

PSA I.R.S. Fraud Scam: Beating up on the Elderly

2015-04-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dear my fantastic and wonderful readers,

This can't be. Here we are supposed to be moving toward enlightenment not away from it but common crooks still exist. Not just common but unscrupulous. These crooks are targeting the elderly.
Two years ago they were targeting recent immigrants to the U.S.A.
They aim and fire at these demographics depending on their being easy to scare.
Well stick to your guns my elderly and newly immigrated fellow Americans. Don't let these horrible
crooks frighten you, steal your hard-earned money or even threaten you! Call and report them immediately.

Here's what happened and what is happening in my life that inspired this PSA blog:

My mother called me at work, frantic!, that a gentleman (rather, "gentleman") paid her a phone call from an unfamiliar area code stating that he was from the IRS and that she owed back taxes IMMEDIATELY! He proceeded, almost immediately, to threaten her with all the horrible things that would happen to her if she didn't pay. The short list:
Her wages would be garnished
Her car would be impounded
She could face jail time.

My mother is a 73 year old woman who has never even gotten a speeding ticket. She's been living off
of her Social Security check and unemployment since December when the day-care she worked in for the last 12 years closed its doors. Essentially, THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL, (or even the USA) THAT MY MOTHER OWES ANY MONEY WHAT-SO-EVER IN TAXES. I'm POSITIVE they owe her money. Not just from instinct or experience but because she's just filed her taxes with the professional financial advisors sponsored every year by the AARP in our local senior center!
But she was frightened. Little old ladies frighten easily. She lives alone, she was raised in a time that trained her to feel frightened and incomplete without a man around and she really has no one to turn to but me and my son, both of whom were occupied with work/school at the time the call was made.

That's how well these predators have thought things out. They call at the time when their victims will most likely be isolated from their loved ones. And to dig further into the bowels of immorality the man left my mother a number to call, allowing her to make a payment the next day! She called the number and a woman, "receptionist/ assistant" - CROOK- picked up and reiterated all the threats the man had, "advising" my mother to pay IMMEDIATELY.
Let me tell you something IMMEDIATELY you stank-ass, low life, good for nothing sons of bitches,
you keep fucking with my mother,
I'm gonna find you.
The IRS is already looking for you- thus the MULTIPLE warnings and pages listed on their OFFICIAL and APPROVED government site.
And, God bless chat rooms, individuals have taken to the internet to share their experiences with each other, hopefully building a support system for individuals that might be isolated.

Thank you Kelly Flores for doing some serious under cover work and posting THIS on YouTube:

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/6zS0EiICat0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

I am so grateful that you posted this because it reveals the strategy of these pricks, their actual script for creating fear in the individuals they are targeting.
#SmartGirl !!!!! Just listen to her!! Calling them out on their bull-shit. LMAO.

But remember, when they target the elderly or recent immigrants, of course there is an extra fear-factor that exists. I hope to God these people get caught. I hope this blog helps.

Seriously-

"Could you BE more of an asshole!?"

Understand this, the IRS would never call you. Not to threaten you especially. They mail you a letter and give you a time frame to respond. If you don't respond within that time frame they mail you another letter, and perhaps another after that. They do NOT call and threaten you. Ever. They don't have to threaten you. They already have access to all your personal information. They're the IRS for God's sake. The evil eye. But they have to document things, and the best way to do that is to send a letter, one that can be traced through the USPS with the date it was sent and received. They cover all the bases. They have their routine down pat. There is no way they would stoop to threatening phone calls. They're the white collar on the white collar for Christ sake, not common thugs!

In summary:
If you get a phone call "from the IRS", hang up and report the number used to the TIGTA (Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration) at 800-366-4484- also included in a link below.
If you get a letter from the IRS- sweat. pray. and grab your calculator.

HELPFUL LINKS:

http://www.irs.gov/uac/Tax-Scams-Consumer-Alerts

http://www.irs.gov/uac/Newsroom/Phone-Scams-Continue-to-be-Serious-Threat-and-Remain-on-IRS-Dirty-Dozen-List-of-Tax-Scams-for-the-2015-Filing-Season

http://www.irs.gov/uac/Newsroom/IRS-Completes-the-Dirty-Dozen-Tax-Scams-for-2015

Fantastic article by CNN
with helpful links (some available above) as well as phone-in lines for reporting.

http://money.cnn.com/2015/03/12/pf/taxes/phone-tax-scam/

"If you get what you suspect is a scam call, report it to TIGTA through its web site or call 800-366-4484. " From the CNN article linked directly above.

http://blogs.wsj.com/totalreturn/2015/03/17/no-thats-not-the-irs-calling-just-hang-up/
A Wall Street Journal article

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/dangerous-irs-phone-scam-unfolding-on-your-phone/
CBS is on top of things!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/get-there/stay-on-guard-for-tax-season-scams/2015/02/17/15384738-b6e6-11e4-9423-f3d0a1ec335c_story.html
“Hello, we have been trying to reach you. This call is officially a final notice from the IRS, Internal Revenue Service. The reason of this call is to inform you that IRS is filing a lawsuit against you.”
Michelle Singletary, Washington Post "Color of Money" writer is there for you with any additional information, or comfort you may need - email: michelle.singletary@washpost.com for advise.

http://q13fox.com/2015/03/20/irs-phone-scams-on-the-rise-with-man-from-lynnwood-getting-one-friday-video/
Q13, a FOX network, created this informative video for individuals who have fallen victim, and for the rest of us to be on the look-out.

http://time.com/money/3745863/irs-agent-scam-phone-debit-card/
Brad Tuttle from MONEY has broken the warning signs you have a scammer on the phone into 5 easy to spot signs.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/27/your-money/call-from-the-irs-hang-up-its-a-fraud.html?_r=0
Thank you to the NY Times for staying on top of things

http://www.forbes.com/sites/robertwood/2015/03/13/fake-irs-agent-scam-targets-public-even-feds-while-identity-theft-tax-fraud-is-rampant/
Robert W. Wood has done a splendid job informing us of the tax scam and going a step further to alert us to perhaps a more dangerous ploy, tax fraud. I just met a man yester ( 4/10/2015) who was taking his first steps, filling out necessary paper work, to report tax fraud with the help of a detective at the Stamford, CT police department.

Bill Cosby: Is the Press reporting the Truth or is it all just Search Engine Marketing chum?

2015-01-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

http://www.msn.com/en-us/tv/news/bill-cosby-jokes-woman-should-be-careful-drinking-near-him/ar-AA7X43U
Published on MSN from the AP

Let's talk.
Please.
Because, in the midst of many other horrifying stories this story keeps nagging me.
For many reasons.
And the most perturbing to me may surprise you.
Foremost, for me, about this controversy is NOT whether or not Bill Cosby, "America's Dad", is
a serial rapist or a victim of some conspiracy to undermine his legacy. This entire argument bothers
me, concerns me, because, even though I never knew the man I, like almost every American living in the 80's, thought I knew him. I felt like I knew him. The family he showed me on T.V. showed me what family could feel like because mine was VERY different. Not because we were white, but because abuse and disrepair disrupted any potential for a joyous and innocent childhood. But on T.V., on The Cosby Show, at least I got to see what it looked like. I got to see parents who believed in their kids, made sacrifices for them, helped them, loved them - unconditionally. I got to see a house that was warm and lively, where siblings bugged each other but didn't beat each other and parents were professionals that set high standards believing their children could achieve them. This family affected me, I loved them, and I always had a lot of respect for Mr. Cosby. But it wasn't the fact that, potentially, he could have been the biggest fraud of all time that bothered me most. What bothered me most was, a continuation of the horrible habit we've allowed ourselves to fall into, as soon as the first story dropped we, as a collective, believed it.
Why?
Free press is, I believe, a corner stone of free society. It is one very strong way the people keep an eye on their leaders, their influencers, their communities in general. If the press is working well,
the society is healthy.
But our press is NOT healthy.
Most reporters are glorified bloggers now. Not that bloggers are bad. Blogging is what I'm doing right now. I love it and it serves a WONDERFUL place in our way of life now. But blogging is very personal. What's more MOST blogs are NOT professional. This means that the writers of the blogs, myself included, are not held up to any set of standards, criteria or monitoring that would stand to validate the things they say. Blogs are an individuals "eyes on the world", their own experiences. It's their own interpretation and opinion of what is going on in their world. This form of communication is extremely important, not only for SEO specialists web-wide so they can Sell, Sell, SELL! But also for journalism itself, to flesh out stories, gather resources for goings-on and events. Blogs make for anthropological heaven, as long as it's called what it is- a BLOG. The problem is reporters, at least from what I've read over the past ten years or so, are writing blogs, not reports. They're infusing so much of their opinion and personal experiences into the subject they are writing about that the "reports" we are getting, published on MSN, CNN, FoxNews, everywhere, are no longer reports of an occurrence but an interpretation of an occurrence by an individual who does not have the discipline to separate their personal experiences from the facts.
We are reading blogs all dressed up as reports. Most likely because the reporters don't know the difference. They don't know that it doesn't matter what they think or feel, that they are supposed to be a conduit for the facts, the truth, and that they are to have checked these facts before they set them into print.
The current climate of instant gratification hurts us all here. As soon as a story starts to happen our press is supposed to be there to report it. That is the way things are supposed to go. Where things take the wrong turn, and have taken the wrong turn so often now, I fear, the press seems to be veering permanently off course, is when the reporters stop reporting what they are seeing and start interjecting their interpretations, reporting them as facts.
Remember Sandy Hook?
How could any of us forget?
But how many FALSE facts were served to us within the first five minutes of the story breaking?
There were two gunman.
The shooter had run into the woods behind the school.
The shooter's father and brother had been involved.
All of these flat out falsehoods were reported, LIVE, on T.V., over the Internet,
you know,
where people believe them.
And the press knows this. And it knows it should be doing better. But it has contented itself to continue to write opinionated reports that tell us more about the reporter then they do about the subject they should be reporting.
So when the press finally reaches us it is hardly journalism any more. There is no fact checking. There is no study. There is an impulsive reaction to an event wrought with personal feelings and
emotional responses. That is NOT news. At least it shouldn't be.
So, when I read about Mr. Cosby I have to wonder, why do all of these articles sound like they've already decided something? Why are they all written from the stand point of "We know he did it".
How?
How do you, the reporters, the press, KNOW?
Because, OMG, wouldn't that be the juiciest story if it were true?
But that doesn't make it true.
The fact that a headline debasing such a squeaky-clean image, would inspire tens of millions of points-per-click on all those CNN, MSN, NBC, ABC, FoxNews, Huff Post pages, framed by ad after ad of sweet paying sales potential, is enough for all of our "Press" hubs to look the other way is disturbing.
Because if our Press has been reduced to sales and ratings then it is no longer "Free Press". It's paid
advertising. And that, most certainly, is nothing less then a stick of dynamite to the corner stone of a free society.

Free form thought

2014-12-03T07:51:00.000-08:00

http://www.ast.leeds.ac.uk/

Freedom.
It's a big responsibility.
One I'm happy to have.
If I really do have it.
Because FREE is getting something without giving anything. Something for nothing.
And that's not how freedom works.
It's a series of choices and commitments, risks and dares. There's a fear factor to freedom.
It's an all-in kind of deal. You can't be half free. That's like being half alive. It's delusional.
Like Plato's example of shadows on a wall. You're living a life of projections instead of actions.
And that's a shame.
I've thought about my life abstractly and what I've come up with is this:
I am free...
... and it terrifies people. Nobody that I know who is content and happy is free. They do things for others and behave the way they need to in order to fulfill obligations set in place by someone so they don't loose what makes them feel safe.
I do it; I tip toe along keeping one eye on the wall and the other on the light projecting the images.
I look to the darkness behind the projector. And what's scary about it is also THE corner stone of all that is freedom:
The undefined.
As soon as anything is defined it is done being free. Strange. How TO BE something essentially means determining your own end. But without definition there is no way to be accepted by the rest of the world living in the light. It's fun and warm and safe there where walls and colors, shapes and methods keep us all moving and following a highway of light, safe from the unknown darkness we'd prefer to not acknowledge.
Even now it's impossible to accept the idea of the dark as infinitely beautiful. Irrational and undefined but ultimately powerful. Because nothing that is made has the power of what it had when it was unmade. Because nothing that knows itself has all the components it had before it did. Because knowing is defining and defining is limiting.
Why do we crave limits and then ask for freedom?
Freedom is what then?
Perhaps we've decided that freedom is merely the choice to define ourselves. In doing so it's true we choose our own mortality. We choose to have a limit; a finite timeline.
But why?
Why would anyone born free choose these constraints?
What are we getting out of all these definitions?
Physical experience.
And maybe it's worth the sacrifice.

Here are a few guys you'll recognize:

http://www.hawking.org.uk/
http://www.haydenplanetarium.org/tyson/

They like to ask questions like this. They like to think in general. And we all trust them because their intelligence and contributions to science, something we also now trust, are renowned. But I want everybody to know it's okay for us to ask questions too. You don't need a degree or a TV show. It's okay for all of us to talk and discuss and debate and THINK.

More links you may enjoy:

http://science.nasa.gov/astrophysics/
http://www.space.com/26218-astrophysics.html
http://www.cfa.harvard.edu/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astrophysics

Single

2014-09-08T13:20:00.002-07:00

There is nothing wrong with being single.
No, I really mean it.
Nothing wrong at all.
Not just "in the mean time" or "in lieu of"
It's not "Just okay".
It's pretty freakin' awesome to be single actually.
But I find myself always having to justify it, to explain it. "Why?"
Even to myself.
I find myself, actually found myself just now, always apologizing for it
so that people understand,
there's nothing WRONG WITH ME for being single.
There's nothing that I'm missing, I'm not diseased or cursed or psychotic or
challenged in any particularly unattractive way.
I'm not unattractive at all.
Actually, and not to brag, I've been told the opposite.
I'm very attractive. I'm a pleasure to be around, funny as hell, and I'm a great friend.
So what's wrong with me that I'm "still single"?
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!!!
I'm totally awesome! And my awesomeness doesn't hinge on having another person
attach themselves monogamously to me.
I wouldn't be MORE awesome or better off if I do find someone to share myself with.
And the more I grow and get to know myself the more I realize the answer to the
"Why are you still single?" question is simple:
Because I want to be.
Or more specifically I want to be who I am right now and if part of that is "single" then,
heck,
Okay. I'm not "wanting to be" anything else.
I haven't admitted that to myself before. I've been disconnected from myself in many ways, not realizing the full extent of my awesomeness I guess. But when it comes right down to it,
down to "brass tax" as my grandmother would say, I didn't ever choose to focus any serious amount of energy on "finding a man"
"hitching a man"
"catching a man"
"trapping a man"
Instead, my time is spent raising a man, who is particularly awesome himself and I feel
that's the best investment for my time.
But there are other single mom's that date plenty; that have steady boyfriends, or multiple boyfriends or have even remarried and have husbands. And it's not that I'm raising a young man that I don't have any of those.
It's because of me.
Just me.
The way I am and where my attention goes to.
I chose to go back to school.
Not to get a man
to get an education.
And I'm interested in ideas and thoughts and thinking them and discussing them more then I've
ever been interested in people and what they're into or what they're doing or who they're doing it with. Not that I'm antisocial:
I'm usually the life of a party.
So that's not why I'm single.
And I'm not single because "I just haven't found the right one yet".
I'm single because deep down inside, I want to be.
I want to be single.
I enjoy my own company.
And I enjoy the company of my close friends and I'm fulfilled by the relationships I have RIGHT NOW and don't think a relationship with a boyfriend would be better then those. It might be a great addition to an already great lot, but that's it. It wouldn't have improved me or completed me or somehow fulfilled me in a way that all the love I have in my life right now is somehow not doing.
Because it is doing it.
I'm actually happy!
I adore my son and my dog and I'm not missing out on anything by not being in a relationship.
My life isn't lacking in anyway.
And THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!
I'm good.
All good.
Not just "alright" or "alright for now".
I'm ALL right , RIGHT NOW, not missing anything or missing out on anything. I'm whole,
complete, satisfied and HAPPY as I am.
Loved.
and there's really,

no REALLY,

nothing wrong with that.

The "PROFESSIONAL"

2014-06-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

What is inherently unprofessional about breasts?
And legs? What's unprofessional about legs?
What about asses?
Hmmmm?
What is INHERENTLY- intrinsically- unprofessional about any of those things?
Think about it.
They're all parts of the body, parts both males and females have, but are particularly admired on the
female sex because, after physical maturation, those are the parts of the female body that typically become exaggerated.
They're outstanding female features. They're the parts of our human bodies that often get shapely and
attractive when you're FEMALE.
And so, they're ... "unprofessional" ?
So inadvertently we've uncovered the real standard behind "professional".
MALE.
Because this is a "man's world" and a man's body is the only kind that is "respectable" and to be
taken "seriously". Woman's bodies are for play and therefore to belong in a "respectable" and "serious" atmosphere their "playful" and typically female features MUST be covered, hidden or down played.
Riiight.
In addition to this bigoted view, a bonus for us girls (yeah right), we're also supposed to believe that it's for our own good. You know, like the concept behind Hijabs and burqa, to protect us from men-
men who have no responsibility to control themselves. A way of hiding ourselves in their world because when it comes right down to it, if we're not willing to fuck them, play with them or serve them it's a world we have no place in.
FUCK YOU.
I have breasts. They're beautiful. And they're not unprofessional. To suggest that they're unprofessional,
or that my cleavage being exposed is "unprofessional" is to agree with the above bigotry.
A subconscious part of our upbringing as females is to view our bodies as dirty things, as things that have to be "covered" and down played. It's perversely untrue.
Now, I'm sure there are many of you out there wondering, well would she just walk into work with her tits hanging out?
No.
But if I want to wear clothing that accentuates that particularly lovely part of my body, then I will.
And there's no one that has any right to tell me it's "unprofessional".
Because this is NOT a man's world.
It's not even a HUMAN'S world.
Our earth would continue to revolve without any one of us, male or female.
But the communities we've created here, our way of life, has been grossly skewed toward male dominance and convenience and it's been done by the constant shaming and dismissing of it's female citizens which MUST stop.
Our bodies are beautiful. There is nothing "unprofessional" about them.
Professional dress is, in it's purest form, being well-dressed. Dressing your absolute best in clean,
well-groomed clothing to demonstrate that everything about you and your ideas is composed and eloquent. That has nothing to do with not showing a cleavage (or legs or shapely bottoms). We've been told it does because we've been conditioned to believe that these parts are "play" things and therefore not to be taken out in the office.
My cleavage is not a play thing.
It's my thing.
It's a beautiful part of me and if I choose to show it there is nothing "unprofessional" about it.
Such is the same for legs and hips, for all parts that are inherently female. And as females we really have to stop believing this male biased brainwashing. We have to stop raising our daughters to believe it's THEIR responsibility to control male impulses towards them.
It's not.
We have NO OBLIGATION to cover our bodies to spare them the unwelcome discomfort that comes along with controlling their impulses.
Suck it up boys.

BE A MAN!

In others words, self controlled and individually responsible for your person and your actions.
Your hard-on: Your problem.
Your distraction: Your problem.
Not ours.
We have breasts. Maybe you should get used to that. And as much pleasure as they may give you,
they're not there for you, they are there for us, which means that the ways in which they please us supersede the ways in which they please you. If we think they look particularly pretty in a certain blouse then that is WORLDS more important then the fact that you may be distracted by them in that blouse. Deal with yourselves. And stop telling us it's our job to do it for you. Stop telling us that those of us that embrace the beauty of our bodies and show it off are "sluts" or "whores" or "dirty" or "unprofessional". It doesn't mean a damn thing other then we like the way we look! That's a huge feat for any woman who is bombarded with insecurities and negative judgments from all sides, everyday, from both men and women.
And say we see a girl at a bar. And her skirt is short and shirt low cut. Maybe we stop judging her moral character based on what she's wearing and simply stick to criticizing what she's wearing.
Does it match?
Is the outfit working for her?
What could she do to improve it?
IS HER BODY ROCKIN'!?
But none of us have any right to go there with the moral judgments and personal slurs "slut", "whore", etc.
And maybe she IS wearing those clothes because she wants to get laid that night.
What the hell is wrong with that?
As long as she respects the boundaries of others, like a man that is most obviously with someone else, or individuals who are too wasted to make coherent decisions (which, by the way, is an accepted and encouraged MALE strategy for picking up booty for the night).
And say, just say, we wear that shirt we like to work, the one that shows off our beautiful cleavage, and we happen to glance that guy across the conference table glimpsing at it.
Is he a pig for it? Is he out of control and misogynistic and oppressing our rights as individuals?
No.
He's just admiring our cleavage much the way we did when we were smiling at our reflection in the mirror that morning. If he turns creepy and starts to GAULK at you, and then starts to hit on you when he should be focused on working, well then, there's a problem. But a little glimpse? Just an unspoken compliment.
We're all just people after all. People will be people. And as long as we can respect each other and control ourselves, we may just do well by this world.

ALL-AMERICAN

2014-06-03T13:21:00.002-07:00

Very rarely do audition opportunities make me angry; this one did. The service that Actors Access provides is not only needed but much appreciated so I hope this commentary doesn't come off as ungrateful or even critical of them in any way. The fault is born in the casting "professionals", movie makers and such that post casting notifications on this site. In a business where "type" casting is common I'm used to casting criteria that reads "Asian", "African American", "Caucasian". I'm even used to descriptions such as "Model type", "pretty-but not model type"... etc. as if anyone of us, especially women, are really good at deciding if we're "pretty, or pretty but not model type" at all, but hey, that's the business. And certainly you know if you're "model type" because there are very specific physical parameters defining it: over 5'7", maxed out at 125 lbs., long legs, high cheek bones... we see their faces all over. They aren't necessarily the most attractive people but they are the people that the current fashion industry wants to put its clothing on- therefore they are "model types".

This is the industry I'm in. My skin has grown thick to shallow and blunt descriptions of people that relegate them to little more then colors and shapes. Literally. But colors and shapes are colors and shapes. It's a physical reality. We're curvy or straight. We're a certain amount of feet and a certain amount of inches. We weigh what we weigh. That doesn't get me angry. What does get me angry, what infuriates me because it's so common, are the certain casting notifications that use descriptions such as "girl next door" and, the one that inspired this commentary, "All-American" that make my blood mother fucking BOIL.

Know why?

Because who they HELL are they, is anyone, to define what "next door" and most especially "ALL-AMERICAN" is?

Here's the casting notice that sent me into a rage today; please read it:

Certainly not the only, really one of MANY, that use this description "ALL-American" but really mean what the link they include in their posting shows. I've posted it here:

Do these women look "ALL-AMERICAN" to you? Sure. If you define "ALL-AMERICAN" as White Anglo Saxon Protestant (WASP) people with their common features of small nose, thin and tall body and, oh yeah, sparkling WHITE skin. If you want a woman who looks like this for your ad, fine. That's your prerogative. It's your ad, put who you want in it. But don't you dare perpetuate this ignorant and ANTIQUATED way of thinking by defining her as "ALL-AMERICAN". What she is is a CAUCASIAN MODEL TYPE. There you are. Clearly defined and perfectly described. THAT'S what you want? Then THAT'S what you should ask for! But don't you dare, don't even fucking THINK of defining those features as ALL-AMERICAN, because you know what?- they're not.
Most Americans look NOTHING like this. These features are demonstrated by a VERY SMALL group of people who are no more American then any of the rest of us. You are perpetuating ignorance, discrimination and demonstrating stupidity by calling her, or her male counter part, "ALL-AMERICAN", or, it's sister phrase "GIRL NEXT DOOR". Whose next door? Not mine.
Nobody that I grew up around looked like that, whether they were white or not. A very select MINORITY of kids I grew up around looked like that, but how the hell could their features define what "ALL-AMERICAN" is when they were most certainly
the minority?
Hmmm?
Prejudice.
And discrimination.
And entitlement.
The entitlement of a specific group of people to force their assumed superiority onto the rest of us by telling us that "Americans" look like they do and then there's the rest of us who are...uhhh... I don't know... just being allowed to live here?
"African-Americans"
"Latino-Americans"
"Asian-Americans"
"Italian-Americans"
"Native-Americans"
but not ALL-AMERICAN.
That's reserved for a very specific MINORITY group. The rest of us, no matter where we were born, how long we've lived here, or how much we've done for our communities and country, are just borrowing space.
Including our PRESIDENT?!!

Fuck you.

I'm an American- ALL AMERICAN!
I was born here, raised here and wear the WWII jacket of my father who fought to protect our way of life here.
You know, the way of life that only some people think they have the right to benefit from?
Yeah.
But my father wouldn't have fit into this "ALL-AMERICAN" look either. He had a big Italian nose that doesn't seem to fit in anywhere in Hollywood except for the villain/mobster category. But he sure enough fit into a uniform to fight when he was needed didn't he? Yeah. THEN he was "ALL-AMERICAN" enough.
Can this country stop using it's citizens the way spoiled little brats use their Barbie Dolls?
Please.
It's ridiculous.
So from now on, casting directors world wide, don't perpetuate ignorance and bigotry by calling those features, those very specific and MINORITY features, "ALL-AMERICAN".
They're not.
Most Americans look nothing like that.
Like it or not the hair and skin and eyes of MOST AMERICANS is darker.
We're not as tall or thin.
It's just that simple.
MOST Americans don't look like that. Some Americans most certainly do, but to define that
as the "ALL-AMERICAN" type is simply WRONG.
Can we stop this please, casting professionals world wide?
No matter who you are, if you want a person with the physical features indicated in THESE example photos then please, please define those features for what they are:
NOT "ALL-AMERICAN" but Caucasian, Model-Type Americans.
Pretty and photogenic but
No more "AMERICAN" then the rest of us.

In Full Effect

2013-12-31T15:04:00.000-08:00

I almost apologized today.
Yeah.
About four hours ago.
I almost just apologized for having an opinion.
For doing something I enjoy.
For doing something that was right for me.
My NEW neighbor complained to me about my "exercise" routine in the morning.
It pounds right above his and his girlfriend's heads at 5 a.m.
Every morning.
And you know what?
That's how it's gonna stay.
I almost apologized for it.
Almost.
But I didn't.
'cause it's a New Year.
And I'm here in full effect.
And I've been doing my routine in my little apartment for the last two years now.
Actually I've been exercising in my living room of any apartment I've rented for the past 11 years now!
*!At home exercise! it's cheap, fun and IT WORKS.
https://zuzkalight.com/
http://www.bodyrock.tv/
http://tracyandersonmethod.com/
THESE ARE THE GIRLS YOU'VE GOTTA FOLLOW! GET ON IT!
Or just go to YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/
And you'll fine HUNDREDS of tips, tutorials and sample programs. For real.
#AtHomeWorkOut is the way to go.

But today, my new neighbor decided he wanted to "discuss" some options with me.
And you know what I told him?
There weren't any.
We just have to learn to adjust to each other.
My routine is TIGHT.
I sacrifice and work hard, waking up at 4:30 a.m. M-F to exercise, wash dishes, prepare breakfast for Doug and I, Shower, get Doug out of bed and moving, and get out of the house in time to catch a train at 6:08 a.m.
I simply made it clear that there was no other time for me to exercise.
When I get home, I'm all about making dinner and doing Homework with Doug.
And then, I get my ass to bed at 10:30 p.m.
That's my M-F.
And it works for me.
And I almost changed it.
And apologized.
To two people who make noise and have cars driving up until 2 a.m.
Fuck That.
I'm changed.
And I LOVE it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

On Being Alone

2013-12-10T07:18:00.001-08:00

A word keeps bouncing around my brain:
Co-dependent.
I keep thinking it about most every woman I fucking see.
Co-dependent.
Angelina Jolie, for some reason, poor lady, came into my mind. ( I watched an interview w/ her yesterday- that's probably why).
Have I ever seen this woman w/out a man?
Ever?
No.
Never.
Why?
So many women are like that.
Never by themselves.
One man to another man.
Maybe not night after night but relationship after relationship.
WTF?
It's been stewing and brewing and really fucking messing me up.
I've been getting angry about it...
Why do all these women, even ones I'm supposed to look up to,
ALWAYS have to be in some kind of relationship? Aren't they EVER alone.
By themselves.
Happy to just be?
Jesus!
And then came today.
And today always comes.
And, in the process, new conversations, news things to here about and see and discuss.
So when the discussion about Pink,
(THE Pink,
Pink my rock star idol and absolute Goddess role model because she's so kick-ass and in-charge and fierce,
and
oh yeah,
she writes amazing music that could speak for me it's so accurate and heart felt and angst-ridden)
in concert,
which my co-worker got to go to last night,
came up
and I went from super charged to angry and all twisted within a second of my co-worker saying
"She wrote this song for her ex-boyfriend"
and almost knocked the wind out of myself.
And that's when I stopped,
and took an internal look around.
And asked myself a strong and unbending:
What The Fuck Michelle?
A.) This is PINK we're talking about. You don't get angry at PINK!
B.) Where the hell is all this anger coming from anyway?
Is Pink co-dependent? She has been w/ Carey for quite sometime.
And before him,
there was another,
that she wrote a song for!
Is she codependent too?
And just what are your criteria for co-dependent Michelle?
And is that what you're really angry about?
Do they, women you admire, or other women, women you don't even know,
all have to live a life exactly like yours or you'll rip and tear at them until they look
as ugly as you'd like to make them out to be?
Whoa!
Now that's some self-hate!
So I tried to just take a fucking minute and relax just bit and think about this whole off-putting situation objectively, if only for the duration of this blog.
And I started to think,
It could be that I'm jealous of these women.
Even the ones I don't know.
Not because they have men, or women for that matter:
No. Coveting is not the sin that's causing my soul sickness.
But I am jealous of something about them,
something they have in their character that I don't.
They have the ability to share themselves with somebody else;
to know they're worthy of another person's devotion.
Of a man's devotion.
I'm not trying to isolate my lesbian sisters but, you should know, that I've often wished I'd been
born a homosexual because I feel like I'd fit in a lot better in a situation where I could fall in love
with another women. Because I trust women.
I just can't seem to trust men.
I can't trust that they'll do anything more then see the fuck through me.
It's real. This feeling I have of being absolutely worthless as a mate for a man.
And yet that's how I was designed. I was born a heterosexual woman. I was made to want to
BE with a man.
But I can't be.
And this shit just got really deep.
And I don't know what to do with it.
I get angry at people that I don't even know for being with men more so because I can't be
then because they shouldn't have to be.
Though a rational part of me stands by our need as women to stand on our own and find wholeness
in our own company and NOT NEED constant companionship from somebody else (INCLUDING our children, and friends and family) when does independence become isolationism? And when does feminism become a front for bitterness?
I feel I'm toeing that fine line. I can actually see it. And honestly, I'm sad that I got here in the first place and a little scared because I'm not sure how to turn back. Or to proceed. Or what to do at all.
I've always been happy being alone. Since I was a child I could loose myself in my fantasies and play world and not realize I was missing anything. But after having my son and realizing the necessity of joining the world at large I realize now that I was completely unprepared for how the rest of the human race behaves.
I don't need people the way that they seem to.
I don't feel alone when I'm alone the way they seem to.
I feel awkward in a crowd, even though I feel wonderful in front of one.
Crazy right?
No. Not for me. It's just me, it's the way I am and I actually like myself that way.
But I don't like being angry.
And I don't like being hateful or scornful or damning toward people I don't even know primarily because the way they are makes me feel like an outcast.
And I'm not supposed to mind being an outcast in the first place.
Once again, I'm stuck in a paradox and the only way I can think to get out of it is
to write about it. Maybe if I give it it's own life, here, on this page, it will take off on it's own,
and leave me alone.
To start all over?
I've got to deal with this eventually. Eventually I'm going to have to embrace the part of me that really would appreciate being appreciated by somebody else. The part of me that still looks adoringly at bridal gowns, in part for the sheer beauty and artistic integrity of them but also, silently, two people being in love moves me to tears.
How hard is too Hard-ass,
and when does the Iron Cast I've shelled myself up in start collapsing in on itself, myself?
I've reached that point. And I don't like it. I wish things didn't come to this,
that I'd never come to this,
but I'm here. I've traveled here on this new day that, on this day, has brought me to a line that's formed a mirror that's made me see some things that I don't like seeing.
(Hmph).

The elected double mastectomy

2013-06-03T17:46:00.000-07:00

A lot has been buzzing around about Angelina Jolie and her double mastectomy.
I will not download pictures of her or quotes from her recent interviews. I have no wish
to use her image to sell my blog. My blogs are my opinions, nothing more. But such a
strong opinion has developed in me over Angelina's recent activity that I couldn't stay
away from this page. I had to get my thoughts out.
First let me say that my grandmother had a double mastectomy. She was a breast cancer
survivor. I've a very close friend who has had regularly scheduled mammograms from early in
her life because of the frequency with which her family has encountered the cancer. I take
breast cancer and all cancer very seriously.
But not as seriously as I take life.
Life is more important then cancer.
It always will be.
But when thinking about cancer,
preparing for it, and preventing it, becomes a priority in life my skin begins to crawl.
It was because of the discovery of a faulty gene, one that makes breast cancer far
more likely for the carrier, that Ms. Jolie decided to undergo a preemptive, preventative
double mastectomy. She is a mother of six. She wants to live.
I can understand that,
more then understand that. My son is my reason for living. He is "my best thing".
I'd take out anyone who may take something away from his life,
I'd even take on death itself.
But is that what Ms. Jolie did?
Because I don't think so.
She decided to play into the odds that, because of this gene, she had a 60% chance of developing
breast cancer. She decided to decide that cancer was inevitable because of this specific
gene that may or may not decide to show itself.
It is her right. Had she decided to take off her breasts simply for aesthetic preferences,
it is her right. That is her body, she can do what she likes with it. And she's never been a particularly
conventional girl so it wouldn't have shocked me. But my concern is not for her actions,
but in the reactions of the press and public.
Ms. Jolie is a hero.
She is being hailed as "brave" and "strong".
I do not agree.
I do not believe that bravery and strength is reactionary to "maybe" and "what if".
Nor do I believe that either can live where one is so willing to surrender to a "possibility".
My possibilities for success, based on my birth place and life experiences thus far, is slim to
none. Should I play the odds and stop trying?
Athletes throw themselves into harms way daily, making their bodies 95% more likely then mine to
be injured, possibly irrevocably.
Should they stop playing?
But Beyond the playing of probabilies,
what of all this making God out of science?
Now science not only creates life, but is the sole provider of it's sanctity as well?
Genetics is now predicting our future and it is brave, strong and, yes,
(at least this is what the press implies)
MORAL to concede to it's predictions!
Are we living in the world of The Minority Report?
We can now predict and are being encouraged to react to what MIGHT happen as
what inevitable WILL happen and so here comes our higher evolution.
But I think it's de-evolution.
Because once upon a time people were brave enough to not have to predict the future to get
through each day.
They used a thing called faith and it worked very well.
And yes, sickness would come
and so would death.
But that didn't scare people either.
Not only because of the belief in an after life, because not everyone with faith believes in an after-life,
but because of their belief in the sanctity of life, and it's right to run out of us as surely as it
ran into us.
Fighting for our lives is at the core of who we are as a species. Every species is programed to
do what it must to survive.
But is this what we're doing?
Are we attempting to survive, or refusing survival by attempting to take out any and all obstacles?
To me, survival is not so simple as preserving our lives or extending our life span. It's about facing
down obstacles and persevering through them.
This is not what we do when we decide to react to what MIGHT happen as if it were what WILL happen.
When we do this we are actually cowering out of a potential challenge, a chance to show
how well we can survive.
Life is not merely a chance to preserve ourselves for as long as we can.
In fact I do not believe that is what life is at all.
Life is a series of experiences to be learned from and to grow from,
NOT to run from. Especially when what you're running from is a mist or a shadow
from some kind of fortune teller-
even when they call themselves "Doctor".
My heart goes out to Ms. Jolie. Because to me it looks as if she has deduced a sickness in her chest
and wrongfully focused on her breasts. The way I see it, her ailment is in her heart. She has never dealt with
the death of her beloved mother and her sadness has grown into fear and that fear into a convoluted logic that somehow what she's done can prevent her children from ever experiencing the same pain.
I get that.
None of us want our children to suffer, physically or emotionally.
But when we treat illness it's nonsense not medicine to treat the wrong organ,
to misfire and direct our 'treatment' toward something easy to ascertain instead of what is more
difficult to understand.
This will not relieve her fear.
It will be back again. And no, I can't predict the future.
But I know that fear grows when it is unhampered. It's not like a dormant gene.
It shows itself in many ways from the moment it creeps into our souls.
And it festers.
What frightens me over this situation is that fear has been dressed up as courage, wisdom
and yes, morality.
It's taken on that guise before and never lead us in good directions.
For all those women, and men, who have been touched by breast cancer,
my heart goes out to you. And I admire your struggle. I admire your courage in the face
of an obstacle that you choose to confront and fight everyday.
Understand that even for those of you who will loose the battle, you have not lost even
one moment of your life.
Because life means living. And death can happen even before you stop breathing.

Little Pub

2013-05-21T18:54:00.000-07:00

Things happen that make us question our self worth. Right now
that's what I'm going through, but instead of wanting to fight,
this time, I wanted to stay down and give up.
Perhaps it's the result of impact shock.
I fell hard, far and fast. So fast I'm still not convinced it happened
and certainly don't understand why it would have happened.
I got a new job a month and a half ago and it, in just a month's time,
had changed my life back to the way I remembered it years ago. Then,
I was able to pay my rent on the first of each month. I was able to walk
into a grocery store without worrying about how much I spent. And best
of all, I was able to take my son out to dinner, to a movie, maybe even on
a day trip to Mystic Seaport, without being concerned about time off and how
much pay I'd loose.
We were happy then. Douglas never worried about where he'd live or if
he'd have food.
But times changed. After a bout with homelessness and being wrung inside out
by the social services system my son developed anxiety and a deep rooted disappointment
in me.
That was the hardest part. Knowing that my son blamed all this instability on me.
Who else could he blame it on?
No matter what I did I couldn't find gainful employment. I always worked, full time, but
what ever I did I couldn't find work that paid enough to bring us back to that old situation,
where we were safe and comfortable.
But then, about a month and a half ago, after once again falling dangerously behind on rent,
requiring town financial assistance to appease my landlord and food stamps as well as trips to the
town food bank to insure we could eat, I got a job at Little Pub Wilton.
I'd tried numerous times to get a position at their location in Ridgefield, CT but they were never hiring.
They didn't need to. Every day and night their parking lot was packed. Their employees
rarely turned over. So, as soon as I saw the "Hiring" sign outside of their construction site in Wilton,
I ran in and got myself an interview.
It went very well and I was soon offered an opportunity to train. I was hired in April and had been working up until this Monday.
All was going well. Very well. And for the first time in years I felt proud of myself again. Proud because I was actually providing for my family again, providing the comfort and security they deserved. My bills were paid on time and my son got new summer clothes without us busting our monthly budget (he grows about two inches every month I swear!).
All seemed so perfect.
And then...
I'd worked this past Sunday and thought it odd that my manager didn't ask me for my availability for the coming week. I brushed it off as paranoia and his being generally exhausted and I waited. But come Monday I began to wonder why I hadn't received a copy of our schedule for this week. I was surprised by a text from a co-worker asking me if I wanted to work for her this Friday night. My first response was "Did you get a schedule?"
"Yes" she responded. I asked her to wait just a little while for my decision while I found out what was going on.
I called my manager and left a message.
He called back.
Turns out I'm no longer on the schedule.
Without warning, without discussion, he no longer has shifts for me.
I begged him to tell me what went wrong, why I'd been fired?! He insisted that I wasn't fired.
I wasn't fired???
He just didn't have any shifts for me.
What? (What was the difference? Was it then more like being laid-off?)
He had to give preferential treatment to those employees that
had committed themselves to full-time work with the company and so had no more room for me.
When I reminded him that I had been hired as part time, that they'd known my schedule limitations, he assured me he understood but that he still had to give any available shifts to others who had more flexible schedules.
So, after a Sunday that seemed like all others I had no more shifts at a restaurant I'd come to look forward to working in four times a week.
No more shifts,
but I wasn't fired?
I asked him to be straight with me, to tell me what the real issues were.
He insisted there were no reasons other then the one he'd told me. It wasn't my performance he insisted, yet for some reason I was still expendable.
Worse yet I had to go home and tell my son what had happened. The first thing out of his mouth was "So what do we do now?"
I had no answer.
I understand that some people rely on that job as their only means of income. But what my manager
didn't seem to understand was, so did I. I have a full time job working for the Stamford Public Schools as a Substitute (usually permanent substitute) teacher. But the pay is horrible ($90, no paid time off, vacations or sick days). Trying to live off that income only was what lead Douglas and I into homelessness to begin with.
I rely on my restaurant income for almost 85% of my monthly income.
Doesn't that count at all?
And why is full time availability the only consideration that seems to matter?
How about considering the fact that most of those employees are young adults who have very little responsibilities beyond the rent they split with their roommates or significant others? Would one shift less really hurt them?
I have a child.
I'm the only earner in my house hold.
Why doesn't that matter at all?
Beyond that, how could they not warn me?
I had no idea but it seems that my first month was little more then an audition.
They intentionally hired too many people to see who would work out best for them.
But they hired us.
They employed me and thus reserved my time for a month, a month in which I turned down
two other positions because I believed I'd already found a stable job at the Little Pub.
Now, in late May, all other restaurants have already hired their summer wait staff.
Even the school system has collected all of it's applications for summer employment.
I would have had to begin applying around the time I believed I'd been hired by Little Pub.
Now, not only am I without shifts,
I am without any summer employment.
And this seemed perfectly natural to my manager and by reflection I can only assume
perfectly natural to my bosses.
To treat people as tools without any further consideration.
Disappointment hasn't set in yet.
I'm still in shock.
And to be honest, really just sad. I miss being in the place.
And I'm scared as hell. I don't really want to get up from this one.
This time, I've lost so much wind, I just want to stay down and have everything
else go away.
June rent is due in a couple of weeks. Maybe I've made enough over the past month to be okay.
But then, there is car insurance to pay. And once again this is my life. Always worrying, and wondering if or when things will be okay,
if ever.
I've lost a lot of energy on this one. I have already started putting feelers out for new jobs.
But I'm tired. And discouraged. And disheartened.
Once again, I've been treated like trash. And somehow I have to find a way to digest that.

Fate and Free Will

2013-02-19T20:19:00.001-08:00

Fate and Free Will

2013-02-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

How can fate and free will co-exist?
Let me explain.
I recently had a conversation about my relationship with my son's father.
And it made me remember another conversation I'd had about my relationship with my son's father.
This most recent conversation ended something like,
"yes, but you got your son out of it, so that's something to be thankful for"
That's true. Can't argue that my son is the most awesome blessing EVER!
But the conversation I had many years ago (with a different person) went more like this:
"Your son was meant to be in this world, and you and your son's father had to meet in order
to bring him into this world, beyond that you were just holding on to someone who'd already
served their purpose in your life because you have a problem with letting go".
AMEN TO THAT!
You see,
Yes-
My son's father and I were supposed to be together so Douglas could be made
but that took all of four hours one night in October of 1999.
Beyond that my son being brought into this world had nothing to do with me hanging on to his
father for the next ten years.
That was entirely about me not loving myself.
And that's when it hit me.
Fate and free can, do and were always MEANT to coexist because fate isn't happening all the time.
It's like check points on the road map of your life.
a road map you design,
all except for the check points.
Those check points are Fate, when the universe, the lord, the Gods, or whom ever, is saying
HEY! There's a bigger picture than you going on here and we need you for something at this moment.
Be there.
Anything that happens to us between those check points is our fuckin' business.
God doesn't even CARE!
Everyone who's had a shitty boss knows,
Only Satan micromanages!
God gave us free will to keep us the fuck out of his way until he needs us to get something done.
He doesn't want us hanging around like sick puppies getting in his way.

And when I speak of God using "He" please realize that I only use this as a pronoun to represent a much larger idea. Insert any pronoun of your choice- she, it, THEY-
it doesn't fucking matter anyway.
God is WAY bigger than pronouns.
But I digress.
The only time God, or the universe, is judging our behavior is when it's asked something of us,
a contribution to the larger picture that it needs us to contribute to,
that it, he, she, they will pass judgement for us not getting done.
For example;
God doesn't care how often you get high.
You can get high any damn day, every day, if you'd like.
But on that day you were supposed to arrive at your check point (Fate),
you better not be on your ass, on your couch gettin' high.
THAT'S when you find your weed laced with some bad shit and your ass ends up in a hospital somewhere.
And so, hopefully, you learn a lesson.
Serve your purpose.
I don't think the signs are all that subtle.
We all know when we're being pulled in a certain direction.
We just don't always listen to it.
That's why, I'm sure, God makes back up plans.
Like some where out there at least 5,000 people are going to be tapped to conceive the second coming or the next Dalai Lama or some shit like that,
but because of how often us humans fuck up I'm sure only two are gonna get it right.
Fate has back up plans because of our inconsistencies.
God's sort of laying ground for any number of possibilities and the one that plays out is the one
that worked the best for what God saw at that time, based upon what we gave him to work with.
If we didn't show up at our check point, God has plenty of understudies.
The show must go on.
In other words, the people who listen to their fate are the ones that arrive at just the right time.
Stay in tune.
The signs are there.
They were with my son.
I actually could feel myself being exactly where I was supposed to be.
And for days prior, every time I looked around a street corner, I would SEE his father's truck coming around that corner, even though I knew he was miles away in Florida.
Every door I walked through I expected him to be on the other side.
I knew he was coming.
It was supposed to happen.
And so it did.
And my son got his right to life.
We served our purpose for the higher purpose.
Beyond that,
it was just me wasting my own time.
Doug was meant to be.
His father and I were not.
And I dug my self a hole by walking in circles around that damn check point.
True, I may have needed to learn a lesson at that check point that I'd have to know to arrive
at my next check point.
But there is NO WAY God determined that it was supposed to take me ten years to learn it.
I don't think God, if he had time to think about it, wants anymore misery in the world then need be.
He, I'm sure, would have been quite content to have me learn my lesson in say, oh, five months, move on and have myself a blast for the following nine years and seven months. As long as I arrived at my next check point (Fate) when I was supposed to, he didn't dictate my suffering.
I did.
I did that to myself.
Because I couldn't let go.
So the next time somebody says to me,
but at least you got your son out of it,
I will confidently respond,
No.
I got my son out of four hours, one night.
The other nine years, eleven months, thirty days and 20 hours,
was about me being a complete dumb ass.
Hopefully now though,
I'm ready for my next check point :)

Broken

2013-02-08T20:15:00.001-08:00

Broken

2013-02-08T20:11:00.001-08:00

If I am broken
and there are only pieces of me
I will make them move in harmony
In place of melody
in sync
despite detachment
walking stride by stride
side by side
and forward
and behind
beating while the others rest
in their turn
so from without
all you would see
Is one whole piece
One whole me
not fragments
but facets of a face
the eyes the mouth the skin the sounds
of one steady beat
sounding from the breast
a chorus of parts
singing one song
forming one beat
and moving on
forward to where ever they'd go
side by side and row by row
fragmented, broken always
never to be fused again
feeling always vulnerable
and at odds
never good or clean or worthy
always from the inside broken and ashamed
but strong enough to figure out
how to move forward anyway
by leaps and bounds of faith