{ sequins & faith. }

loving people on love day.

2012-02-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

pictures of roses. restaurant reservations. heart-shaped boxes. men picking up two starbucks drinks at a time. jewelry. lingerie. teddy bears. etc. etc.

as valentine's day lurks around the corner, these become present everywhere. it seems almost unavoidable, all these things in pink, red, and white. many complain, particularly those that have "no one", about what a stupid day it is, "a retail conspiracy", "you shouldn't need a reminder to do something nice for the one you love". and while these statements are, in it's basic form true, there is something really lovely about valentine's day.

maybe it's the romantic in me - although i don't know if i would call myself romantic, i just really like nice, sentimental things (does that classify me as a romantic?) - but i always look forward to valentine's day. there is something so mysterious and cute about it. even if it is a day to "remind" people to do nice things for others, maybe some need that boost.

as a single person, i could play the victim - wah-wah-wah - but i look forward to seeing all the men coming into starbucks and picking up two drinks - one for him, one for his ladyfriend. i like chatting with people about their plans for the day, if they have any. being intentional and doing something nice with the one you love. i love the flowers in the grocery store. and red-colored chocolate and candy aisles (well anything colour-coordinated for me is great). i like the holding hands. and the elementary school handmade valentines day cards. i like eating copious amounts of chocolate kisses without needing a real excuse.

but this year i am challenged to just look at valentines as a day to say, "i'm thinking about you coz you're important in my life". it's not about who's taking me out for dinner, or who's going to buy me flowers (i'll accept my mother's as if they are my own), it's about celebrating all the people i love and do life with. and the One who brought all those people in my life.

she smiles, she writes wrote a great post that encouraged single people to make the day less about the absence of a "loved one" and more about the One who loves.

Single ladies: Go out on a date to your favorite place and plan to meet the Lord there. Afterwards, go to a Valentine's bash party with your friends and share stories about true love, the kind that doesn't give up during the tough times. If everyone seems to be doing something, I advice for you to get on board with activities for Valentine's at your church.

i have been debating with myself who to ask out for valentine's lunch - not romantically (don't get too excited) but missionally. who can i spend my time on to show them they are loved. i'm hesitant to spend the whole morning off (no school, no work) for fear of spending it loving myself. i feel as if i would be inclined to go out - shopping or people-watching - but that i would ultimately then be spending the money and time on myself and not others. and not God.

i want to encourage you, especially if you're single, to look at valentine's day missionally. if the Lord is Love and you love Him, then show that Love to others. take a minute tomorrow to tell people that they matter to you and that you value their role in your life. be thankful for the love that has been shown to you and show it to others. take some moments in the Word to reflect on how Jesus loves others, and how He loves you. be reminded not of what you don't have but about what has been done and what is to come. you are abundantly blessed and loved immensely.

I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

happy valentine's day! xx

psalm 16.

2012-02-12T16:08:00.000-08:00

Keep me safe, my God,
for in you I take refuge.

I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”
I say of the holy people who are in the land,
“They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
or take up their names on my lips.

LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the LORD.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
nor will you let your faithful[b] one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

[this is the song of my heart. oh how i desire to live for You Lord.]

in Your presence, i will find my strength You're the breath in me, You're my everything.
with my heart bowed low, and my hands held high, all Consuming Fire, You're my One desire.

it's You, God it's You. it's You, only You.

my heart will always sing i love You, i love You.

she laughs without fear of the future.

2012-02-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

ever feel yourself at a time when you are exploding with ideas, thoughts, hopes, appreciation, dreams, vision, love but are completely unable to articulate any of it?

unable to express all these things that are boiling up, ready to explode?

it's funny how i'm at this place of overwhelming "positivity" but i can't get it out, yet usually i do not struggle to vomit up the anger, sadness, hurt, bitterness.

it's only wednesday and this has already been an incredible week, if only for one day alone.

let's back story: when i was in australia, i met some wonderful people. one particular person shared her amazing weekend experience as a pastor at a youth conference. she took something like 70 kids to queensland for a weekend of bonding and witnessing the Spirit move. she told of how the kids shared words, prayed for each other, prayed for her; how the leader of the conference picked her out and prophesied over her great, exciting things for her ministry. i was so moved by her stories. so excited for what God was working out through her. so interested in seeing how these prophesies would manifest in her life.

but it also left me aching. i so longed for those same experiences. to have my hopes, dreams, secret plans affirmed, encouraged, nurtured, enticed. it left me "holy dissatisfied" and i tried to battle my discontentment with rationalizations and justifications. but the truth is that i desperately want to go deeper with God, and maybe that includes what is typically seen as "pentecostal"or "charismatic" - characteristics the conservative church so often fears and rejects.

so in my frustrations. my being nearly bursting. not even being mentally, emotionally in my own body. i wondered why, in an effort to be "conservative", to be "welcoming" or "accepting", or whatever you want to call it, we put limits on things. why these things that are written about in the Bible become taboo or risque or unnerving or freaky.

and when i looked around i was so broken by our routine, melancholic approach to faith. our sterile way of worshiping. our well-played but slow, familiar, lifeless songs. our light-and-fluffy messages that pat our congregations on the back in their encouraging but empty way. this thing which, in my life, is the most exciting thing ever is just a chunk of busy time on someone's calendar each week.

and, please note, i'm not here talking specifically about my church, or your church, but our church. the comfortable church. the church that hands out fuzzy messages and doesn't really talk about the challenging, yucky, but so important and rewarding, stuff, for fear of people leaving or - heaven forbid! - becoming uncomfortable.

so i went out and i found some place that helped me reach my deep longing for more. i found a place that, although not perfect i'm sure they'd say, and still learning, shares the same desperation of my heart to just worship God and know Him the way He intended us to. or at least more like He intends for us to. openly. excitedly. desperately. in a way that's all-consuming. limitless.

and i could cry for thought of it. to be a very small, not-even-consistent part of something that i believe is being, and will continue to be, blessed by a Sovereign God who can see into the hearts of the leaders and know that their desire is for a church that is just the perfect mix of doctrine and "freaky". and i love it.

i had the privilege of meeting with a few lovely individuals earlier this week. united with God-loving people in sharing, in prayer (beautiful prayers), and in life. i'm so happy to be united with these people in this wild, precious life. to watch them grow, to see them raise families, to hear their errors and warnings, and the great things they have witnessed both the hard and "easy" way. to be held accountable, to hold accountable; to be faithful in prayer even when they may seem impossible, or maybe silly. to ask others to intercede for the longing or fears of our hearts. i can't really describe what the meeting was like, but i can tell you that during the ride home, i felt like a balloon. filled. brimming. overwhelmed. ready to burst. i clutched the steering wheel with my elbows out, rigid, tense, vibrating. my whole body so excited for what had gone on, for what the Lord was doing, for what He was going to do. when i got home i was sore because i had been so stiff from the exhilaration of the evening. and it all - the past, the present, the future - makes me laugh. and i think of proverbs 31:25.

"she is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future".

it's not safe. this journey. this thing that i have committed my life to. it's not light or fluffy. it's demanding. it's scary. it's exciting. it's lonely. it's hard. but it's worth it. there's nothing out there that would lead me to believe this isn't worth it. and even in my dissatisfaction, when there is no buffer or release for it except to give it over to God to smooth it out, i am made even more eager and ready for what He has planned for me.

i truly believe that these things happening in my life right now - the feelings, frustrations, emotions, disciplines, and interactions - are to prepare me for what God has in store. and while that may sound christian-y and cliche, it's more real and obvious than ever. whatever it is God, i'm ready. because You make me ready, let's go.

what great gravity is this that drew my heart toward yours?

2012-02-08T14:53:00.000-08:00

"What great gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours? What great force, that though I went falsely, went kicking, went disguising myself to earn your love, also disguised to earn your keeping, your resting, your staying, your will fleshed into mine, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that: if you will love, I will love. I will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, you and I together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward the lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and I invented of our own clay?

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I went looking, I wrote out a list, I drew an image, I bled a poem for you. You were pretty, and my friends believed that I was worthy of you. You were clever, but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you. You see, love, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only a tool that I used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though I have taught you to lay your lily hand in mine, I walk alone, for I cannot talk to you, lest you talk it back to me, lest I believe that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed.

I want desperately for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend; you have slid up warmly to the man I wanted to be, the man I pretended to be, and I was your Jesus and, you were mine. Should I show you who I am, we may crumble. I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen like me, that you are lonely, like me. My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? Will we be forever fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? Is this God’s way of meriting grace, of teaching us of the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which he is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has He formed our being fractional so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and breathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known and being loved, only to cave into a greater perdition and fall down at His throne still begging for our acceptance? Begging for our completion?

We were fools to believe that we would redeem each other.

Were I some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to counsel your timid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him.

Will we be in ashes before we are one?

What great gravity is this that drew my heart toward yours? What great force collapsed my orbit, my lonesome state? What is this that wants in me the want in you? Don’t we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues? This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!

I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God’s own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then and only then understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.”

- excerpt from Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality"

"who told you you were naked?"

2012-02-06T14:09:00.000-08:00

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”

He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

i think we often forget about the reality of an evil one who's sole purpose is to separate us from God. by making us feel ashamed, by telling us lies, by making us feel unsatisfied or falsely self-sufficient, he leads us to think we don't need God, or that God doesn't want us. the first sin is still a perfect depiction of how we too react. we hide. we try to make things right for ourselves. we move away from God. we are ashamed. we feel unworthy of Him.

God intimately knew every square inch of adam and eve; He created them with His bare hands and with His own image in mind. He modeled them after Himself because He wanted them to be directly, physically, intimately linked with Him. adam and eve had no secrets, no hidden thoughts from God. He knew them - inside and out. He looked on them and said "it is good".

but then the devil did as he does. he came and whispered lies and deception and persuasions to them and they gave in, breaking the one rule God shared with them. in that moment everything changed.

they noticed their nakedness. they were ashamed. they felt guilty. they knew they had wronged God and corrupted their perfect trust and relationship with Him.

the snake snickered slithering out of the garden, as adam and eve made clothes to cover themselves out of leaves.

the Lord entered calling for them, saying "where are you?" seeking them, He wandered. adam and eve hid themselves. they emerged then, covered, embarrassed, violated, disgusting.

but He looked on them and asked them why they hid. heads hung low, they confessed what they had done and how they feared being in His presence in their fragility and shame.

"who told you you were naked?"

'who has made you feel this way adam? why do you believe this about yourself?' adam tried to cover himself to be more presentable before God, forgetting, though, the intimacy by which the Creator had made him.

i imagine the Father's eyes. both disappointed and angry, but loving. seeing His children hurting and needing to both discipline and to show them love. "why do you believe you need to cover yourself before Me child? i already know you; i already see you!"

and as loving and tender as this statement is, He still did have to punish adam and eve for their decisions that countered His perfect plan for their lives. but He still compassionately took them and made them clothes to cover them, and then sent them out of the garden.

The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them. And the LORD God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.”

while the devil relentlessly attacks our hearts, our minds, our self-image, our perspectives of others, our image of God, our trust in His great plans, he has no victory over us. the Lord goes - and has already gone - before to comfort, to love, to guide us throughout our lives. when we mess up and our perfect God-given holiness is dirtied by shame and guilt; when we try to clean ourselves up, failing to mask the pain we still feel, He comes into our lives and washes us clean. clean as snow.

only the Father can rescue us from the shame and despair the devil introduces to our lives. as satan taunts and haunts you, the Lord calls out "where are you?"; to find us hidden and broken, He cradles us and says, "who told you that? nothing you do can make you less beautiful or less loveable to Me."

more music monday: i love You, my Dear.

2012-01-30T09:11:00.000-08:00

the new album from bethel music, the loft sessions, is ah-may-zing. and maybe you're sick of me saying that, but this one might just take the cake. i know bethel is so full of Spirit so that makes receiving this album different than others. (i also have a really good looking friend that goes there which also might affect my bias).

this song, written and sung by hunter thompson, fires me up. i am falling more and more in love with my Savior all the time and i love listening to songs that cause me to reflect on who He is and what He's already done for me.

the fun, dance-y sound of this song reminds me that no matter what is going on in my life, i still have a reason to celebrate. it's not about me, but about God who came, and comes, and will come for me. He's coming for His bride. and even in the "valleys" of life, He continues to ravish my heart. (i also think ravish is the greatest word to describe how God acts and how He makes me feel!!)

worship is inclining our hearts to Him, always (as said by reuben morgan) so whether that is worship through work, through community, or through, quite literally, worship music, i want these lyrics (and lyrics like these) to always be the song of my life.

i am Yours and You are mine
i am ravished by the sight
of one glimpse into Your eyes
my lover's coming for His bride

for there is none upon the earth
that i desire before You, lord
for You've been faithful all my days
Your love endures, it will never fade away

i need to say what my soul is singing
i need to say what heart is screaming

that i love You my Dear
i love You my Dear, my Dear

You're everything i ever wanted, everything i ever needed
You're everything i ever wanted, everything i ever needed
You've ravished my heart, You've ravished my heart

allie in oz: day 16!

2012-01-10T23:37:00.001-08:00

hello friends! it's been a while!

brooke and I are now back in "sydney" - aka an hour outside of the city in the area called st. mary's - for the moment. we spent the last week in what I have termed "meh melbourne". more on that later. mainly we just unsuccessfully shopped but we had some pretty exceptional days like two along the great ocean road and a wonderful day of nature and penguins at phillip island. we stayed with lovely people. now, as I already mentioned, we're outside sydney at pete's family home (he is the blonde man from the new years photos!) and he is taking us to a family friend's (of his and brooke's) vacation home in wise man's ferry, a beautiful beach side cottage! hello! today brooke and I did one last wander around sydney's circular quay (where the opera house and bridge are located) and took a ferry to beautiful watsons bay for lunch. it was super windy but the sun was blazing and the temperature was perfect! I bid adieu to my beloved city. sad, sad day.

I'll be back next year sydney! xox

allie in oz: day 9!

2012-01-05T03:56:00.001-08:00

what a great day touring to and along the great ocean road. way too much to type but the pictures will speak volumes.

to give you a taste, lots of rock/limestone formations. spectacular sights. God is quite the artist and He's totally showing off for us! weather has been awesome and it looks just like a dream... everywhere!

we went to the grotto, bay of islands, bay of martyrs, london bridge and the twelve apostles. we also saw the sunset over the rocks and it was beautiful.

we waited for the penguins but they came home late and we couldn't see them at all. too bad. that's what we went to the aquarium for.

also, i skyped my family last night/their morning and it was so revitalizing. i was feeling pretty homesick but now I'm encouraged and can take on the world. with that, i feel i could be here for a long time and be ok.

tomorrow's going to be a bug, beautiful day. we're going on a helicopter ride!!

allie in oz: sydney day 7!

2012-01-03T04:23:00.001-08:00

what a lovely day it was for the beach. hot and sunny. we spent most of the day at balmoral beach roasting and toasting in the sun with an occasional excursion into the incredible ocean. this was followed by returning home to shower and pack our bags for melbourne bright and early tomorrow morning (as in like 5 hrs). it has been such a wonderful blessing to be able to stay with the boyle's while we've been in sydney! they have been so, so good to us - feeding us, guiding us, giving up their beds for us (thank you nicole!) once we had packed we headed to newtown to finally have max brenner chocolate. and oh man, was the wait ever worth it! we had three different milkshakes - chocolate, cookies n cream (although the name they have for it is much cooler but I forget it now), and peanut butter!, chocolate banana crepes, and chocolate pizza with a crunch - crust with chocolate, corned flakes, white chocolate, nuts and marshmallows! ah-may-zing! although not the tidiest meal to eat. lots of napkins were needed. when we finished that, michelle drove me down to the opera house to take artsy pictures with my heart bokeh. we also went to another location where I could see the bridge and the opera house in one place. the pictures turned out very cool! can't wait to share!

as i said, tomorrow we begin 6 days in melbourne. the flight is an hour and a half and for thursday and friday we have a tour along the great ocean road. but there will definitely be pictures of that. after that I imagine lots of shopping and sightseeing. i'm looking forward to the philip island penguin march which is the main reason i wanted to go there in the first place! everyone says great things about melbourne so i can't wait!

see you soon ;)

...but hopefully not too soon. i like it here!

allie in oz: sydney day 6!

2012-01-01T03:22:00.001-08:00

this morning we went to hillsong at the city campus. much smaller than I expected. excellent worship as I expected. talked to someone about college there. they love it. i hope one day i'll go and love it too.

afterwards we met up with michelle's friend laura in darling harbour for a delicious chicken caesar salad and views of the harbour and the best looking people. (debatable.) we wandered to get gelato post-lunch at which time michelle decided to entertain us all - movenpick staff included - by smearing it all over her face (photo top right). thanks for the tears and incredible ab workout!

then shopping. finally purchased clothes.... that I can wear in the canadian weather woop woop!

then brooke and I took the train to parramatta where we got a free shuttle bus to hillsong's hill's campus - the original campus. much bigger. jad gilles did worship. sooy good. good message on making and completing resolutions for the new year. saw some friends from across the church and chatted for a bit before hopping on the bus, then train again to get "home". there we chilled and chatted with michelle's lovely parents and now we catch up on facebook, photo editing and eating food.

i also want to organize my suitcases. the wheel broke on my way here so I bought a new one. and ya, it's purple.

tomorrow we have a very strenuous but fun day planned. but you'll have to check back on that then. same place, same time!

allie in oz: sydney day 5!

2011-12-31T07:47:00.001-08:00

balmain breakfast - yum! glebe markets. raining but still got some great jewelry.
weather cleared. met friends - pete, laura, bec, and ben - waiting down at mrs. macquarie's chair for spots overlooking harbour for nye fireworks. sat there in the shade for 10 hrs with heaps of food and laughs. at 9 there was one fireworks show. followed by spooning and a nap. then the big magnificent show at midnight! we could see at least 5 different sets of fireworks from our spot. it was absolutely amazing. i'm seriously in love with this place. they highlight there incredible and extensive best features so well. sights to be seen from everywhere.

tomorrow we do hillsong. i can hardly wait!!

allie in oz: sydney day 4!

2011-12-30T05:15:00.001-08:00

great day at the taronga zoo. amazing set up and gorgeous sights overlooking the city. we saw baby tigers, sat next to kangaroos and were entertained by talented seals.
after a day of animals, we headed to the theatre to see annie. it was a great show - lots of talented young girls dancing up a storm.

tomorrow's a big day in sydney! new years eve. the place is sure to be packed and wild. we're staking out a place at circular quay - aka by the opera house - for a golden view of the fireworks from the bridge. i can't wait for my first (of hopefully more than one...) new years in sydney!

allie in oz: sydney day 3!

2011-12-29T04:49:00.001-08:00

bondi beach. luna park. dinner in darling harbour.

lovely.
and slightly burnt.

allie in oz: sydney day 2!

2011-12-28T04:47:00.001-08:00

vegemite breakfast and chunky peanut butter. darling harbour sights and shopping, lunch. lots of pictures! walking ALL the way to circular quay - worth the blisters and sunburnt shoulders. great tour at the sydney opera house leading to half price opera tickets! trial and error getting back to our place, finally arriving to get dressed up and go out again to the opera! great night of music. now for some desperately needed sleep!

allie in oz: sydney, day 1!

2011-12-27T04:36:00.001-08:00

today was a pretty epic day. after two days of flying - having left toronto at 6pm on dec 25 - I arrived in sydney after a short stint in la at 10am this morning - dec 27. brooke and her friend, michelle (who's house we're staying at and who's brain we're picking - thank you michelle et al!), picked me up from the airport and so begins our whirlwind day.

from zipping around corners into north sydney, to cross the great bridge, a wonderful shower and the feeling of clean, to venturing out on the bus to the harbor where views of the opera house and the bridge can be gasped at and adored. shopping commenced - I already have favourite stores! then off to a 3 hour long round of cricket between sydney and melbourne - sydney 6ers taking the prize - with 27,000 of my aussie friends. millions of pictures were taken and it's only day one. food was consumed, new friends were made, culture was shared and experienced. what a brilliant way to start this trip of a lifetime.

mom and dad, I really may never come home!

psalm 119: 9-16.

2011-12-14T07:56:00.000-08:00

How can a young person live a clean life?
By carefully reading the map of your Word.
I'm single-minded in pursuit of you;
don't let me miss the road signs you've posted.
I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart
so I won't sin myself bankrupt.
Be blessed, God;
train me in your ways of wise living.
I'll transfer to my lips
all the counsel that comes from your mouth;
I delight far more in what you tell me about living
than in gathering a pile of riches.
I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you,
I attentively watch how you've done it.
I relish everything you've told me of life,
I won't forget a word of it.

two weeks.

2011-12-11T19:15:00.001-08:00

two weeks today. and i'll be on a plane to the other side of the world.

i can't wait for this great adventure!

psalm 139.

2011-12-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!

Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

birthday high afternoon tea party!

2011-12-07T17:57:00.000-08:00

on sunday afternoon, i held a tea party in my dining room to celebrate 21 years of life thus far!

from thursday to sunday i slaved away in the kitchen - albeit, with some help (thank you alyssa, alisha, mom & dad!) - making baked goods, chocolate covered strawberries, deviled eggs, salad, and sandwiches. we had five different kinds of tea to try from teaopia - sunset honeybush (a wellness tea for bloating and stuff, recommended by the helpful teaopia lady), caramellissimo (caramel and hazelnut flavoured black tea), iced princess (popular fruit blend), genmaicha (a green tea with popped rice in it), and creamed earl grey (my personal favourite - yum!).

everyone came dressed in their best with pretty fascinators in their hair. it was fun getting dressed up and taking pictures - even if most of them turned out kinda wild coz that's just the kind girls we are when we get together!

it was a fantastic afternoon! would love to do it again... but maybe someone else can take the several days to do the baking instead ha!

so blessed by so many pretty, wonderful, smart, God-loving young women in my life!
so thankful, xx

carving valleys in the skin on our faces.

2011-12-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

this song has me totally dreaming these past few days.

i dream of: strangers, sunshine, waiting times, packing light, busyness, dancing on beaches, shark-filled waters, blue skies, boat rides, botanical gardens, new friends, cafe breakfasts, kangaroo pizzas, down under zoos, school searching, "made in australia", surfer boys, reading books, sunscreen, umbrellas, helicopter rides, bays, people watching, and summer days.

i may not be going to california, or to a music festival. but my adventure to australia is sort of like it.

"on the edge of a human sea, and the tide is in"

18 days folks, 18 days!

(school) working for the Lord.

2011-12-06T19:52:00.000-08:00

how come it is everytime i sit down to study i end up just wanting to blog?
why is that everytime there are very specific, important ways i must be spending my time, instead i become completely engulfed and consumed by the cyber world?

in my times of i-absolutely-must-be-doing-homework-right-now, i always, without fail, end up discovering new music, new diy ideas (that i will never do, let's be real), new people to follow on twitter, new ways to creep the people i already follow on twitter, new blogs to subscribe to, new books to put in my cart on amazon, new bags to impulsively purchase online, new friends of friends to creep on facebook, new....

do i have no self-control?

why do i find myself justifying my excessive waste of precious study time with excuses like, "the light makes me feel like this" or "this isn't comfortable" or "i have to go to the bathroom a million times" or "i need more cookies and then i can start". it's so ridiculous.

and this blog right now is completely contrary to everything. but, alas, that is the intentional irony of it...

i have no lesson here, but how did i get so unfocused? i have developed such bad homework habits that i pretty much always end up completing assignments 15 minutes before the latest possible time i can leave my house to get to the class the assignment is due for on the day that it's due.

how do i even break these trends in my life?

this all leads me to think back on conversations and lessons from tonight: i cannot do it in my own strength. and maybe that is the point of this post, to recognize this very thing. i just don't have it in me to get this done in good time on my own. i could, maybe, like so many other diligent, good workers. but i look at my schedule and the things i want to fill my time with, like people, serving, learning more about life and God than canadian literature, metaphors, carbon cycles, and phillip sidney. and that is not to make me sound holier-than-thou. but my desires so strongly lead me somewhere else that this thing of great importance and significance in my life - my education - gets the very smallest portion of me.

i wonder, is that sinful?

i think of colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men" - surely my lackluster, apathetic attempt at an 8 page essay that may or may not make sense isn't totally pleasing to God. to say the least.

so maybe what i'm realizing right now in the very process of writing this post - a post that will not earn me a degree or any sort of academic acknowledgement - is that my uncaring attitude toward school work is not glorifying God, or pleasing Him, or serving Him. and because, in my own strength and weakness, i remain somewhat unfazed by.. ahh... the fact that my exam is tomorrow. and a much harder one follows on saturday. and between the two, i packed the days with breakfast socials, a photoshoot, a work shift, and some other stuff... i really do need Him. to focus me, to motivate me, and to help me create good work.

so here i am. leaning on the Lord for discipline. i want my school work to glorify God, even if it does talk about.. evolution and nonsense like that.

i want to use the gifts and talents and abilities He's so graciously given me to display His wonderful work, and not in bare-minimum, 11th hour results. i want my efforts to exalt Him, not just barely make the grade!

more music monday: worship edition.

2011-12-05T16:53:00.000-08:00

"for the honor" by elevation worship
from "for the honor"

"father of lights" by jesus culture
from "jesus culture awakening: live in chicago"

"my best life" by c3 oxford falls
from "send down your love"

"love came down" by ben cantelon
found on worship central's "spirit break out"

"glorious" by jesus culture (ft. katie torwalt)
from "jesus culture awakening: live in chicago"

"at your name" by tim hughes
from worship central's "spirit break out"

"not afraid" by c3 oxford falls
from "send down your love"

God's disappointing vineyard.

2011-12-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

so often i find myself reflecting on or presented with things that bring me back to a memory or time of significance in my life. like, i can look at a picture and i can remember exactly what was going on my life and what exactly was going on in my mind at that time. and forever that thought is laced with that picture and it can never be separated. or there are times i'm steaming milk at the bar at work and it will be calm in the cafe and i'll be quiet and i find myself looking up at the door, waiting for him to come in like i used to do. or the other day i caught a wift of something nice and clean-smelling and it reminded me of what he'd smell like. i reconfigured my room coz i was sick of it looking the same way it once had when he'd seen it. i bought new clothes so that i wouldn't remember the compliments he had once said when i had worn this shirt or these shoes. i ditched the book he bought me to the back of my bookshelf because it just represents things i don't need physical reminders of. no, coz the thing is, that even without seeing these physical things, even without the reconfigured room and the new clothes, i still think about him. a lot. definitely a lot more than i want to. and i don't know if it's all self-inflicted; seven months past a stupid, nothing relationship and still thinking about him. why God?

i'm still in this limbo, a vicious, horrible cycle of (1) knowing that God has a plan for him (2) but wondering what my role is in this plan & if i even have one... (3) then remembering james 5:19-20... "if you know people who have wandered off from God's truth, don't write them off. go after them." (4) then i think that i'm game, "use me God", but i need action coz i don't really believe that God wants this to consume me so much... (5) then thinking that i may be catching a glimpse of how this breaks His heart, watching someone deliberately destroying themselves, and others, all in the pursuit of the flesh... (6) but as open as i am to being used, i want rest Lord, like You said in matthew 11:28 - "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"! (7) and then i realize how small and weak my faith is, how short-sighted my view is, and how untrusting i am of the God that made the universe!! (8) but then i'm discouraged again coz i don't want this to go on for more months, or years. and i wonder why this has such a grasp on my life still when i have seen so many others walk away... (9) then i'm back to point one, "knowing God has a plan for him", wondering what my role is...

and so on, and so on.

last night as i sat writing my essay - again, another place of memory, for all the times i would be writing and then sneak on facebook to talk to him a year ago when the idea of a crush or something more was so exciting - and i mostly just sat there saying, Lord, why in the world does he still occupy this place in my mind so so much? how do i get past this? this is pathetic. this is embarrassing. this is ridiculous! and i knew right then that the only way i was going to get out of this rut moment was to pick up my bible and crack it open. and in a "k God, what do you want to tell me?" moment, He led me to isaiah 5 (usually when i think about him i end up reading an old testament prophet. and it always wrecks me).

isaiah 5 talks about God's disappointing vineyard, saying, that God, or "Well-Beloved" as isaiah refers to Him, has a vineyard on a very fruitful tree. He dug it up and cleared it of stones; He planted it with the best vine; He built a tower in it and made a winepress. He expected it to bring forth good grapes, but it brought forth wild grapes. the study notes in my bible read further, "God had lavished loving care on His people and expected positive results. He was sorely disappointed". dang. right there, i was thinking, how much do we disappoint God? all the time, no doubt. i can only imagine how much my sometimes all-consuming thoughts must frustrate Him, coz they surely do frustrate me. and then i think, more so accuse, someone else for being the disappointing vineyard. i think, "well, i'm trying to pursue holiness here. i'm trying to live a life pleasing to God. i'm not purposely living in sin. i'm not the disappointing vineyard!" but then again i'm convicted. how easy it would be to take everything i read in the bible and apply it to someone else. i am actively and intentionally trying to pursue God and to omit sins in my life, but by no means am i excluded from being part of this disappointing vine. judah smith gave a great message on this (watch it here - called "where are your accusers?") that totally convicted my heart of this. i can't read the bible for someone else, what good is that? but asking God for guidance and understanding and release on this subject, i continued to search for answers of how to let this go.

verses 5-6 God says that He will take away the hedge of the vineyard, He will burn it, it shall be trampled, and it will become dry. it will be a barren, desolate land. recently i was thinking about the "grace experience" - how a lot of us have to go through some sort of circumstance to truly understand, to experience, the grace of God. sometimes this is seemingly small, like a break up, sometimes it's big, like an illness, and sometimes it's near-death, like a horrible accident. often through these things God's love becomes more evident and most real to us and, given a second chance at life, love, health, we grab onto God's hope and hopefully never let go. i have found myself since that thought and original conversation, passionately praying for him to have a grace experience. and i expect it will be a brutal one. because for the tiny bit i know about this guy, he's already had several. the Lord says here in isaiah that He will take away everything! that this vineyard - His people - will be barren, dry, unable to grow, without any source of nutrition or growth. and it's kind of a terrible image. in this situation, i think of how He has made someone so talented, so fruitful, so capable of building, nurturing great things, but that someone has not cared for these things, has cast it away and is using his God-given gifts to please the flesh and not the Father, just like the israelites were doing, who God is speaking to at this time in isaiah. they knew the power of God, He had been so obvious and intentional towards them, but they turned their backs anyways. gah! how!?? how could they do that having seen God work so obviously? but then here i am again, accusing others of exactly what i too am guilty of. i have surely turned my back on God. i do it on a daily basis. sometimes in ways i'm not yet aware of, sometimes deliberately. sometimes i do it without even a thought, making a decision that is contrary to what God wants me to do. i just stick my nose in the air and do it anyways... knowing it's wrong and displeasing to Him.

the chapter continues with six "woes", curses or reproaches. God says, "woe to you who is greedy for land and wealth" (vs 8-10), and "woe to you, for being drunk from dawn to dusk" (vs 11-17), "woe to you, who mock God by continuing in your sin while challenging God to prove Himself to you" (vs 18-19), "woe to you, who are so confused that you have lost the power of moral discernment" (vs 20), and "woe to you, the proud and arrogant, who have cut yourselves off from God, the source of true wisdom" (vs 21), and, finally, "woe to you, who are drunk and have perverted justice by accepting bribes" (vs 22-25). at the end of these verses i find myself thinking, yes, i am in all of these things in one way or another, and yes, the person in subject is too. if we honestly consider it, we're all in these.

but it gets worse. verse 24 reads, "but they won't get by with it. as fire eats stubble and dry grass goes up in smoke, their souls will [waste away], their achievements crumble into dust, because they said no to the revelation of the Lord of hosts, and despised the word of the Holy One of Israel." the anger of the Lord is aroused and He strikes them, and the hills tremble! what a horrific picture! the Lord, angered by His people, shakes the earth.

but then this line. this line that brought me to tears. two amazing lines of hope amongst a chapter of anger, pain, conviction, and justice.

For all this His anger is not turned away,
But His hand is stretched out still.

wow. despite our attempts to run God over, to repeatedly reject Him, to sabotage His love - and even as mad as that makes Him - He still wants us so badly. He still makes way a path to be with Him. He still stretches out His hand to us.

and then again, for the 100th time these past months, i knew that God does have it under control. and in a moment of crying out, He led me exactly to where i needed to be, and told me exactly what i needed to be told. and i'm reminded again to HAVE A LITTLE FAITH ALLIE SPENCER.

in the reading of one chapter, He showed me how this hurts Him too, how He will have His justice, how He too (and even more than I) is angry and saddened by this, but how He will redeem His people. one girl at campus alpha said it best, God spends the entire old testament trying to get His people back. and 2000 years later, that hasn't changed. He hasn't changed!

hebrews 9:13-15.

2011-11-24T10:18:00.001-08:00

more music monday.

2011-11-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

"love you swore" by john mark mcmillan

"all i ever wanted" by mark wilkinson

"can't stop thinking about you" by steve moakler

"the scientist" by coldplay

"a mighty fortress" by christy nockels

"have yourself a merry little Christmas" by andrew belle

"born is the king (it's Christmas)" by hillsong