The Best Jokes

Still Loving You

2014-04-09T12:44:00.001-07:00

The Washcloth

2013-11-07T09:47:00.000-08:00

OH! MY GOODNESS! I spat coffee everywhere reading this.

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again. Never.

Thirsty

2013-07-25T00:09:00.001-07:00

Not So Dumb

2013-07-17T15:37:00.000-07:00

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.”

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!”

Then she hollered, “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I thought you were watching!”

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

I Will Marry You

2013-07-09T04:25:00.000-07:00

Males VS Females

2013-06-30T20:48:00.003-07:00

A man walks into a bar and looks depressed. Bartender comes over and with a great show of compassion, gives him a beer on the house.

“Something bothering ya pal?” the bartender asks.

“The wife and I had a fight,” the man said, “she doesn’t like it when I say the word ‘bitch’.”

“Why is that?”

“She thinks I need to learn her mother’s real name.”

==============================

A couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Dave was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job.

“The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not,” he finally said to her.

“Exactly!” she replied. “That's why you married me and I married you.”

Where's My Breakfast?

2013-06-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, “You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores.”

---

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?” asks the little boy.

His mother replies, “I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk. I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon.”

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat.

The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, “Do you want to tell him, or should I?”

Frog

2013-06-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

Follow The Boss

2013-06-10T04:27:00.000-07:00

There are three ladies working in the same office. They begin to notice that each day the boss, who is also a female, leaves work early.

One day they decide that once the boss takes off they are gonna be right behind her, after all she never comes back or calls so how would she know. So, they all three leave and the brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date.

The redhead was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy, to be home. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracks open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss.

Ever so gently she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed, “I bloody nearly got caught yesterday!”

How To Be A Good Husband

2013-06-06T23:17:00.001-07:00

Blonde Jokes

2013-06-02T06:07:00.001-07:00

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, “Look at that dog with one eye!”

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, “Where?”

*******

One day a guy is driving down the road and accidentlly hit's a chicken. Knowing that the chicken belonged to the blonde farmer down the road he thought he would go over and tell the blonde what had happened as he was an honest guy.

When he gets there he apologized for running over what he thought was the blonde farmer's chicken.

“What make's you think it's mine?” asked the blonde farmer.

“Well you raise this type of chicken around here don't you?” said the guy.

“Yes, but not flat one's like that.” answered the blonde.

*******

One day two blondes are hunting when the one shout's to the other, “Come look at these deer track's I've found!”

So the other one comes over to take a look. “Those aren't deer track's, those are wolf track's!”

“No they're deer track's,” said the other.

“No they're wolf track's,” insisted the other. So the two stand there and start arguing. Half an hour later they were both killed by a train.

*******

Two blondes decide to go to the dog pound and each get a puppy. After arriving home, one blonde says to the other, “How are we going to tell them apart?”

The other blonde replied, “I know, I'll give my puppy a red bow, and you can give your puppy a blue one.”

The next day the first blonde comes back and says, “Oh no, I can't tell them apart. They ripped the bows off when they were playing.”

The second blonde says, “I know, I'll give my puppy a red collar, and you give yours a blue one.”

The next day, the blonde returns. “Oh no, they've taken they're collars off while playing, I can't tell them apart.”

The other blonde says, “I know, why don't I take the black puppy, and you take the white one?”

Perplexing Riddle

2013-05-30T07:06:00.001-07:00

“It's time to see how clearly you can think,” the teacher said to his class. “Now, listen carefully, and think about what I'm saying. I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?”

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, “The person is me.”

Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. “That's a good one,” he said to himself. “I'll have to try that on Mom and Dad.”

At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents. “I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have,” he said. “But this person isn't my brother and isn't my sister. Who is it?”

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, “I give up. Who is it?”

“It's my teacher!” Jeffrey said.

ADULT JOKES - To Brighten Your Day

2013-05-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce.

She answered, “Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian and yet he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth.”

*******

Woman : Doc, an ant entered my vagina, can you please take it out.

Doctor removes her panties and start making love.

Woman : What are you doing?

Doctor : This is the only way to drown the bastard!

*******

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

Answer : Your SALARY. It comes once a month, lasts 3 - 4 days and if it doesn't come you are in deep trouble!

*******

A lady visited her doctor again.

The doctor said, “You look more sick and exhausted than before. Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?”

“WHAT? I thought you said 3 MALES a day!”

*******

Women asked God to make the penis pretty.

GOD said, “No way; now as it is, the penis is so ugly and you still suck It. If I make it pretty you'll eat it up.”

*******

A nun went for a urine test. The sample got mixed up. When the doctor told her she was pregnant, she cried and said, “Shit, we can't even trust cucumber anymore.”

*******

A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl and asked, “Do yo have this?”

The girl lifted up her skirt and said, “My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!”

*******

Schoolgirl : I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION.

Class Teacher : Why not?

Schoolgirl : Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be ORAL!

*******

Mother asks daughter, how is married life?

Daughter shyly says like BRITISH AIRWAYS.

Mother reads the advertisement and is shocked. It says ‘7 DAYS A WEEK, TWICE A DAY, BOTH WAYS.’

*******

What is the STRONGEST muscle?

TONGUE - It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick.

The lightest muscle?

PENIS - It can be raised by a woman's tongue.

*******

Lady Immigration Officer asked a Korean tourist, “What's your name, sir?”

“Park Yu.”

0fficer become angry and shouted back, “FUCK YOU! Now what's your full name?”

Korean replied, “PARK YU TOO.”

*******

Man to wife : Business is bad, if you learn how to cook we can remove servant.

Wife: ASSHOLE! If you learn how to fuck, we can remove driver, gardener and watchman.

*******

COCK say to his two BALLS : I am going to take you with me to a party.

BALLS said : You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and leave us hanging OUTSIDE!

*******

A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like?

Mama dog's reply : How I know. Your papa came from behind and I didn't have chance to see his face.

*******

A lady and her husband have been arguing back and forth for some time. She makes an appointment to see her doctor and tells him, “My husband has been complaining that my pussy has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything.”

The doctor examines her, and then says, “Ma'am, you need an operation.”

She says, “On my pussy?”

He says, “No, on your NOSE!”

Punjabi Idol

2013-05-19T00:41:00.001-07:00

Open The Door

2013-05-19T00:06:00.002-07:00

A blond got really drunk at a bar near his house. At the end of the night he stumbled home, running into light poles and knocking over garbage cans.

When he got home and knocked on the door, his wife answered, “Is that you John?”

No answer. She asked again, “Is that you John?”

Still no answer.

The next morning when she opened the door to go to work, she saw John sleeping outside the house. She asked, “What are you doing sleeping out here?”

John replied, “I knocked the door last night but you didn't open it.”

She said, “But I asked and asked if it was you, but you didn't answer!”

John replied helplessly, “But I nodded and nodded.”

Breast-Fed

2013-05-13T00:28:00.002-07:00

A woman and a baby waited in the doctor's examining room, waiting for him to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and commented the baby wasn't gaining enough weight. He then asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.”

“I know,” she said with a smile, “I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came now.”

How To Sell A Bibles

2013-04-15T03:52:00.002-07:00

Three boys look for a summer job. Their preacher agrees to let them sell Bibles door to door, though he's hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffers from a speech impediment.

After the first week of work they all meet at the church. The preacher asks the boys, “How many Bibles did you sell?”

The first boy says, “35.”

The second boy says, “75.”

The boy with the speech impediment says, “I-I-I s-s-sold 175.”

The preacher is amazed and asks the boy how he did it.

The boy says, “I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them, or I'd r-r-read it to t-t-them.”

Night Club

2013-04-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

Three Dogs

2013-04-13T08:06:00.001-07:00

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian’s. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked, “What are you in here for, buddy?”

The dog looked depressed.

“I’m in big trouble,” he said. “My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he’s having me put to sleep.”

“I know how you feel,” said the second dog. “My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn’t help myself. I fucked all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They’re having me put to sleep too.”

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. “So what are you here for?” they asked.

“Well,” said the third dog, “my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.”

The other dogs nodded in sympathy. “So she’s having you put to sleep too, huh?”

“No,” said the dog, “I’m having my nails clipped.”

Horny

2013-04-11T07:30:00.002-07:00

Little 6-year old John Smith’s parents felt really horny at 11 a.m. on sunday and wanted to make love, but had to get John away for at least one hour. So they told him to go to the balcony and report all activities of their neighbours for the next hour. Being the innocent, dutiful son he was raised to be, he did as he was told.

His parents amused themselves, and then came the formality of the report at 12 p.m.

John said, “For the past hour, the Wilsons were watching TV, Mr. Cole was playing the piano, the Johnsons were playing carrom together and the Donalds were having sex.”

His parents were shocked! They asked him, “How do you know that?”

He said, “Their son was out on the balcony too.”

Always Bring The Fingers

2013-04-05T17:07:00.001-07:00

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, “Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do.”

“But I don't have the fingers.”

“Why didn't you bring the fingers?” asks the incredulous doctor.

“Doc, I couldn't pick them up.”

Old Lady Crying

2013-04-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

She said, “I can't remember where I live.”

Italian Spelling

2013-04-01T06:55:00.002-07:00

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following, “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly, “In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Imma just tellin my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”

Sleeper Car On A Train

2013-03-25T02:04:00.002-07:00

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, “I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married.”

“Why not,” giggles the woman.

“Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket.”

Plastic Garbage Bags

2013-03-21T08:04:00.001-07:00

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, “Ma‘am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn!” said the little old lady. “I‘d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no,” said the little old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and say, ‘$20 or off it comes’.”

“Well, that seems only fair,” laughs the cop. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?”

“Well, you know, not everybody pays.”