Sense of Humor

Cat Quotes

2012-02-10T00:52:00.001-06:00

> "Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." -
> -Dave Platt
>
> "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are
> subtle and will piss on your computer." --Bruce
> Graham
>
> "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants
> breakfast." --Unknown
>
> "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as
> gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
>
> "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats
> to pull a sled through the snow." --Jeff Valdez
>
> "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --
> English proverb
>
> "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --
> Ellen Perry Berkeley
>
> "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemmingway
>
> "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message
> and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
>
> "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are
> subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of
> one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
>
> "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in
> their next life." --Faith Resnick
>
> "There are many intelligent species in the universe.
> They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous
>
> "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The
> wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte
> Taine
>
> "No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats
> are there to welcome me." --Unknown
>
> "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of
> life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer
>
> "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --
> Ernest Menaul
>
> "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are
> God."
>
> "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette
>
> "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and
> cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities
> as well." --Missy Dizick
>
> "You will always be lucky if you know how to make
> friends with strange cats." --Colonial American
> proverb
>
> "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does
> any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood
> Krutch
>
> "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"
>
> "My husband said it was either him or the cat ... I
> miss him sometimes."
>
> "Dogs have owners....cats have a staff".
>
>

What causes arthritis

2012-02-07T09:04:00.001-06:00

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, Sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Cabbie and the Nun

2012-02-06T09:33:00.000-06:00

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask
you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1,
you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic."

The ! cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get
back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Lawyer on Vacation

2012-02-03T21:49:00.000-06:00

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

2013?

2012-02-01T11:40:00.001-06:00

Deep Thoughts

2012-01-29T20:09:00.001-06:00

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Looking Old

2012-01-27T15:10:00.002-06:00

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And
Thinking,

"surely I Can't Look That Old." Well... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My
First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore
His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same
Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The
Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him,
However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too
Old To have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He
Had Attended Morgan Park High School

"yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.

"when Did You Graduate?" I Asked.

He Answered, "in 1959. Why Do You Ask?"

"you Were In My Class!", I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald Wrinkled, Fat,
Gray, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, "what Did You Teach?"

.

2012-01-26T12:13:00.001-06:00

Supermarket.

2012-01-25T22:50:00.001-06:00

There's a new supermarket near my house that recently opened. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk aisle, you hear cows mooing and there's a scent of fresh hay. When you approach the eggs, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Notice to All EMS Personnel

2012-01-25T12:44:00.000-06:00

From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following.

a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative
vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling
the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives
and log entries.

Dead Horse Theory

2012-01-22T19:47:00.002-06:00

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

Dad, What is sex?

2012-01-19T20:05:00.003-06:00

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy,
what is sex?" The father is somewhat
surprised that she would ask such a
question. But, he reckons if she's old
enough to ask the question, then surely
she's old enough for a straight answer.
So, the father proceeds to tell his young
daughter all about the "birds and the bees."

After a brief explanation, the little girl
appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way,
dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.

The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell
you that dinner would be ready in just a
couple of secs."

Learn to Speak Southern...

2012-01-18T23:29:00.003-06:00

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

Marriage Counseling

2012-01-17T23:10:00.002-06:00

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each
and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the
course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her
and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to
the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a
week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."

The Fisherman

2012-01-16T20:21:00.002-06:00

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing.
His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did
it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with
his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out
to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a
stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw
it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish
floated to the top.

The game warden said, "That's illegal, you can't do that."

The fisherman goes, "Really?" He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water.
The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the
top.

The game warden said, "Stop that now, and take this
boat back to shore...I'm going to have to give you a citation
and confiscate all your gear."

The fisherman said,"Oh, really?"

He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into
the game warden's lap, and said "You gonna sit there and
keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?"

Canadian Tourism Website

2012-01-15T23:02:00.000-06:00

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism
website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
   watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
   railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)!
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
   to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a
   list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
   (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
   Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it.
   Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.
   Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get
   here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
   which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
   every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight
   after the hippo races.
   Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
   Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female
   population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
   round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.
   Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense
   rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be
   safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I
   dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Parking is an Art - Lesson 10

2012-01-15T16:03:00.001-06:00

--
Posted By UK Newsdesk to autoshowcase.org

Heart Attack

2012-01-14T14:03:00.000-06:00

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days To live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you."

-----

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

2012-01-13T15:37:00.001-06:00

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?

* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?

* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

-----

Poison

2012-01-09T21:52:00.001-06:00

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

Lights Out

2012-01-07T22:26:00.001-06:00

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked
into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with
music and dancing but every once in a while the lights
would turn off. Each time after the lights would go
out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when
the revelers saw the nun, the roomwent dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I
please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not? " the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and
his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "

"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of
the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a
few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place
was hopping with music and dancing again. However,
they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud
round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't
understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I
went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the
bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig
leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the
whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister

The Marine Way

2012-01-04T20:40:00.001-06:00

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight."

Blonde Christmas Story

2012-01-02T21:46:00.001-06:00

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry
wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the
next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Maine Moose Hunters

2011-12-31T10:44:00.001-06:00

Some guys from Maine dressed their truck up with a guy spread eagle on the roof of the truck.

The driver and passenger put on Moose Heads.

Down the Maine Toll interstate they went causing about 16 accidents.

They went to jail. Maine cops have no sense of humor.

-----

Should children witness childbirth?

2011-12-31T10:43:00.001-06:00

Should children witness childbirth? Good question.

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage , only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby...

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

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