Diari seorang gadis...

ketandusan.

2011-03-17T19:31:00.002+08:00

Assalamualaikum.
Setelah sekian lama barulah aku kembali merapu di sini..

Bila dikira balik apa yang aku dah buat sejak 19 tahun yang lepas, aku tahu aku tak matang lagi.. Entah la, apa yang aku ada pada umur 15 tahun, tak banyak yang berubah 5 tahun selepasnya.. Apa yang aku dapat rasakan, aku seolah2 baru masuk ke alam remaja. Macam budak-budak.. Tak banyak yang aku dapat.

Di saat aku sedang menulis sekarang ni, aku cuma terfikirkan seorang sahaja iaitu orang yang paling aku rindui sepanjang masa. Baru sekarang lah aku nak ingat kesabaran dia melayan aku dulu.. Tak semua orang sesabar tu.. Tapi dia dah lepaskan aku.. There's no word to name my feelings right now.

Biarlah liku-liku hidup ni bertambah, asalkan boleh mengubah aku menjadi seorang wanita yang berpandangan jauh dan matang. I wished so. Amin~

Sekarang..biarlah..apa yang nak jadi, apa yang aku nak buat..
Masa depan..aku takkan sia-siakan. InsyaAllah..
Masa silam..aku jadikan pengalaman dan pengajaran..

Sekarang, aku dapat menerima kenyataan.
Biarlah aku ubati masa silam dengan caraku sendiri..
Berlari dan terus berlari..

meliar. omg . siapa tu? monyet kah? hahaha

2011-03-10T19:12:00.003+08:00

ye, aku mula meliar seperti remaja lain. Aku keluar bersama lelaki lain. Haha. Bukan yang aku tak kenal, tapi yang aku kenal dahh. Hmmm, takut jugak. Yelaa, mne penah jumpe kan kan.
Last time aku keluar dgn lelaki pon mse aku sewa kereta tu. Well, going out with other men that i didn't really know well makes me think of a song which was the song for Lagenda Budak Setan.

Bila cinta kini
Tak lagi bermakna
Yang ku rasa kini
Hanyalah nestapa
Ditinggalkan cinta masa lalu

Dulu kau tawarkan
Manisnya janjimu
Yang ku sambut itu
Dengan segenap hatiku
Bila engkau pergi
Tinggalkanku

Hilangnya cintamu
Menusuk hatiku
Hingga ku memilih
Cinta yang fana

Perginya dirimu
merobek jantungku
Hingga ku terjatuh
Dalam harapan

Hilangnya cintamu
Menusuk hatiku
Hingga ku terjatuh
Dalam harapan
Uuu…
Dalam harapan

...FEAR

2011-03-08T20:15:00.002+08:00

Again, i am afraid that i won't be accepted in the society. I felt like i want to run . Run from everyone i know. Run from problems i got . Run from every single thing .

But i know running away won't solve ANY problems.

I just want to hide for temporary . Hide from reality . Run from the problem . Get away from everyone .

Rasanya seperti aku dah fed-up dengan hidup. Tapi aku tahu hidup hanya sekali dan aku perlu menghargai kehidupan ni sebelum mati.

"Like there's nothing more precious in this life." This is the kind of pressure that i felt. Yes, it's true.

"I just want to be happy. I want to skip certain stages and lead a happy life ."

I fear of losing after i fall in love again. I fear of hatred after i feel loved. I fear of isolation after i know someone. But, most of all, i fear of loneliness because it kills me inside, slowly and slowly.

Because the pain from previous relationship never heal, that it made me afraid, that made me become stubborn.

I wonder why i have never changed since before. I have never changed. No, i don't. Why i can't take care of myself..

accident.

2011-03-03T15:33:00.003+08:00

Awww, ouch, i had an accident last Sunday. Dude, i'm so dead~ Got to DEAL with the damages of both cars. Actually, i hit a car from back. My fault. I was not paying attention. It happened on BB Street. There were quite many people, and big jam. I was very scared. Luckily, my friend was there to help me. This Sunday, we're going to meet the owner of the car which i hit :( at S.A. I'm feeling a bit nervous, though.

Luckily, there were no injuries, only that it affected me, as the driver. I felt a bit of shock and i think i can't drive any car in this month. I felt relieved as i have only slight injuries , mostly on my head.

Up to that, there are much more burden that goes into my head. I already have so many problems and it kept bugging me. Now, i have another problem. Maaa ~ Whether i tried to run away from conflicting problems, new ones will always come! I'm going crazier like this.
I guess, i was crazy enough to overnight alone, luckily, a friend do help. Eventhough it was not so much at all, but at least i feel a bit relieved. That's what friends for, right?

Right, i was shocked. I have another story . I know i was wrong for being crazy that night. I drove very far from here. I missed everything. Everyone. With the pressure from lecturers and coursemates. I don't think i'm doing anymore well here, at this college. Terlalu banyak ponteng sehingga dapat surat disiplin, kalau boleh taknak datang terus. I'm in pain. Severe pain. It will take a long time to heal as i never forget. I WILL NEVER FORGET . As i live alone in this world, and continued to be, only to notice that i still remains the same. Thanks to my parents, my family, my boyfriend, my friends and everyone. I'm very 'HAPPY' now.

Jogathon!!

2011-02-26T11:09:00.006+08:00

Today, my college is having a jogathon! It was meant for students who lived in the hostel.
I was not very happy, but at the same time, i look forward to it~ hehehe ^^ I participate in the activity too.
I was on the first line at the starting point. After the wisel was blown, my friends and i jog fast downhill (because we went downhill first).

But before that...

Know what's funny?
My friend carry a bagpack. I thought she was going to run away or skip to another place.. Haha. That all was nonsense. Ohohoho. She has a big bottle water inside her bag actually... I though she's going to run from the jogathon~ XD

So, what did i bring for the jogathon? Well, one thing i know. I left my phone, purposely. nanti buat berat je.. I only brought 20 cent and my room key. I wore the lightest slack trouser. And inside i wore cotton tight. I think that might be okay la.. But i hate to wear the hostel's t-shirt. ~~Darn it~~! IT'S HEAVY and it might ruin my chance of getting in the place of top 30. OOOPPSS, Haha,

I know i lose, but i am proud with myself. I got the top 40 ~~ yay!!!! ^^ Eventhough i didn't get any rewards, i'm still happy because i know i have tried and i did my best, only that it wasn't best enough. I think if i didn't drink the water that i took at the checkpoint, my stomach wouldn't feel sore and i could keep running~ But, that's my limit la...
Anyway, i'm a lot happier because at least i was thissss cloooseeee to get into top 30. Hohoho

I remember, at about 1 and 1/2 km to the college, i saw this stall that sell nasi lemak and kuih muih and all la. It looks delicious ~~ yummy, yummy, yummy ~ but i have to run, right? By the way, i only have 20 cents.. =___= what can i buy with that such amount??.. hahaha XD . Nevermind. I was not hungry for food, but i'm starving of air! :D

Lol

I always looked back, afraid that anyone might run across me and get the number without the knowledge that i'm already in 32-38th place. hahaha XD
Though it was very tiring and made my feet sore.., i feel great about it. I will always look forward for jogathon or marathon or walkathon. I love to run~ I can run away from class, too ;D hahahaha ssssshhh, keep it as a secret, please.. tq.
hahaha XD

Now, i'm in my room. After taking breakfast (they provide nasi lemak), i though of watching movie and then go to sleep. Then only i will take my bath. HAHA. I haven't bathe yet maa~~ buat apa mandi kalau lepas tu berpeluh, kan? hahahaha XD

Ok. This is the last. Well, actually i don't know what's my plan for today. I guess, i want to overnight somewhere~ I need to sleep la ni~ Well, i want to overnight because i want to spare time walking, or travelling alone to clear up my mind a bit. I felt stressed recently plus the backache =__= I want to go somewhere far, far away from friends and family without no one to notice it.

I know i will miss the time me and him together on the road, holding hands and all..But, i have to go through every stage and keep on moving without no one holding my hands. haha .lol.

I guess i h have to keep walking and stand back when i fall, no matter how painful it might be. I have to. It's for my sake. I have to stand for myself first and i have to learn how to do it.. Am i right? I'm in the early adulthood now, and i have to become mature. I hope no one can expect that i can be matured in this 4 years~ I just want to be myself and i'm still searching for my identity. What am i? IDK. Who i will be going to be? IDK, but seems like it was determined that i'm still going to be a teacher. Guess what? I like the profession but i hate the surroundings. Always school-like-surroundings.

I FELT LIKE I WANT TO SLEEP FOREVER... So that no one will bug me or cause me headaches or backaches. I just want to think freely with the guidance of Allah. I want to explore and experience everything. Love, passion, spirit, friendship, honour, pride and all~ I know i've lose some of it, and can't take it back, but, one thing i'm sure, eventhough we can't change the past, but we can change the future, right?
That's it. I'm going to live even how painful life might be and keep on moving~

See ya! Take care.. ^^

new post, new post!

2011-02-25T20:28:00.002+08:00

Finally, boleh jugak bukak blog ni selepas seminggu tak update pape.

Hmmm, nak kira, rasanya takde la busy sangat tapi tapi minggu ni memak sibuk la, terutamanya dengan sakit belakang yang aku tengah hadapi sekarang ni.

Hari Khamis lepas dah pergi klinik check and amik ubat. Doktor tu ingat aku jatuh. Aku taktaw la nak cakap ape kat doktor tu.. Aku sakit belakang dah lama ni. Dah la doktor lelaki. Doktor tu pergi pegang belakang aku cek sane sini. Aku dah malu gile. haha. Kalau doktor perempuan takpe gak, ni lelaki memang segan sangat-sangat. Dah la bahagian sensitif tu.

Aku rasa aku sakit kat bahagian pelvik, tapi tak tahu la nak cakap macamne, sebab aku rasa bukan sebab patah. Tapi, dah berbulan jugak sakit ni cuma kali ni memang sakitnya tak terhingga, terutamanya masa kelas. Duduk setengah jam je dah sakit belakang. Aku rasa dah macam orang tua. haha.

Tapi, lepastu nak tau dapat ubat ape? Balm (ointment) dan ubat tahan sakit. Adeii, aku pun tak tahu nak kata ape. Benda tu bukan boleh buat aku bertambah baik, tapi cuma dapat meredakan kesakitan buat sementara waktu je. Apepun, aku tak perlu risau sebab ubat tu semua free . :D haha

By the way, aku rasa waktu degree ni aku jadi makin teruk la. Sebab aku dah berani ponteng kelas. Aku rasa agak terbeban jugak la dengan masalah-masalah kelas baru dan family aku yang tak tentu arah lagi. Anyway, aku tahu aku sepatutnya berfikir secara rasional sekarang. Aku tak sepatutnya biarkan masalah tu membelenggu diri aku. Tapi, entah la, bila terfikir balik, especially dengan keadaan aku yang dah macam pungguk rindukan bulan sekarang, aku tak boleh fikir dengan tenang laa.. Waktu solat jela aku mampu berdoa supaya keadaan jadi lebih baik. hmmmmmmm...

Hehe. Hari Sabtu malam ahad yang lepas, aku ade join sambut celebrate birthday kawan-kawan aku kat asrama. Wow. Agak gempak la. Dah la menjerit-jerit kat toilet sampai warden pun marah. Masa party (??) tu start, aku tak join lagi sebab nak sidai baju dulu. Aku dengar bunyi bising-bising. Dalam hati menyumpah-nyumpah, ingatkan junior, rupa-rupanya kawan-kawan aku sendiri daaaa...... Cis. Menyesal tak join ni. hahahaha XD
So, nak jadikan cerita, rupa-rupanya mereka sambut dengan ape, nak tau? Air + oat + nescafe + roti berkulat + ape tah lagi satu tu, lupa lak. Habis birthday girls kena simbah dek air campur tu. Dia orang kata air tu busuk gila sampai nak termuntah orang dibuatnya. Aku setakat tengok pun nak termuntah sebab memang hodoh gila, plus roti berkulat tu la.
Harap-harap turn birthday aku, tak kena sampai macam tu.. huhu. Dia orang sampai berpakat dengan boy friend kawan aku tuh, konon-konon mintak putus la, pastu balik bilik dengan keadaan sedih. Haihh, aku tak sanggup kalau buat macamtu. Tengok kawan-kawan yang lain sambut birthday camne la.. Macam aku tak tau je plan dia orang tu. hahaha.
Seronok tu memang seronok tapi aku pun kena simbah jugak malam tu tapi nasib baik masa tu baldi tu dah basuh sikit, jadi, tak berapa bau.. Tak pasal-pasal aku kena mandi lagi malam tu. Baju, seluar semua basah lencun dah. Memang mandi la katakan ~~ hhahaha.
Lepas dah habis semua tu, kami pergi bilas, siap2 then turun bilik birthday girl. Kami tengok cerita Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. Huh,,,dalam setengah jam, aku dah mengantuk, baring kejap je terus tertidur. Plan nak balik tidur kat bilik tapi malas gile nak bangun, so tido jelah kat situ... Sejuk la jugakk. Aku da rindu kat bantal and bantal peluk and comforter. Kambing pun rindukan aku jugak ^^ hehe.

Whaaa, sampai ni saje aku tulis. I'll write more! For now kena pergi dewan untuk majlis pilihanraya JPP. haishh *sigh* ~~

See you again! Take care.

What a tiring day!

2011-02-19T20:29:00.002+08:00

Know wut?? I don't have credit and no number of anyone i knew except few people that i knew they wouldn't help. First, my handphone can't be used. Second, i don't have my aunt's number, nor my cousins. Third, to wait here alone, i am really afraid :'( feel like wanna cry now. Now kat cc, so, ok la kott, tp berbayar ouh~ Duit da byk habis semata2 dtg sini. Where am i now?? At my aunt's place, Shah Alam.

Know wut's frustrating? When no one's home. So, here, i want to tell that when i reached my aunt's house, nobody's there. After waiting until Magrib prayer, i decided to go to the nearest surau. Who knows my aunt might be there.

But........................SHE'S NOT THERE!! Where should i go?????!! No one i knew is here. I don't know much this plae. huhu. I feel like crying now. When i was waiting for the train also i cried,, inside the KTM, I cried.. When am i going to stop crying like a baby~?? Awww~ hahahaha. lame~

So, after i realised that she's not in the surau, i went to the direction of many kedai2.. Entah la, sulu pernah dua kali pergi sana jalan kaki dari rumah dia..so, ingat lagi jalan tu, tapi jalan malam2 tak elok, bukan? Saya sangat takut, cuak dan gentar. Dah la takde org yg saya kenal kat sini melainkan makcik saya dan pakwe saya. Tapi, dua-dua orang tu takde kat sini sekarang...And i don't know how to contact them.. I feel very sad now.. T_T and afraid too :(

I thought of going to my fiancee (bf jugak la..) sister's house. Mana tahu kalau tak sempat balik asrama before 10.30, boleh tumpang rumah dia. Terpaksa menebalkan muka ni =____= ala, sambil tu boleh jumpa Irfan~ yay!! saya sangat rindukan Amin, my nephew. Irfan reminds me of Amin and so Amin reminds me of Irfan. God, i miss them both. They're so cute. Ahahaha, masa baby cute la..da besar ntah macamne kan? ^^

Hmm,,,nak pergi rumah Kak Lina, tp tak tahu la mcmne nak contact dier. Dah la takde num sape2 yang boleh diharap.. Nak pergi mana ek kalau my aunt tak balik2 lagi ni.. I guess i have to sleep at hotel. Huhu.. my money left is 1k something. I can't survive for 5 months more. Nak tidur kat mana ye? Hotel budget mana murah kat KL ni? Godd, i really miss home. I wanna go homee!!! Where's my aunt!!!??? Budu la phone sony tu, rosak pulak.

Tadi before keluar, sebenarnya dah contact my aunt pakai facebook, tapi dia lambat balas la...so, i expected dia akan ada kat rumah, tapi takde. Then, bila pergi cc baru tahu dia pergi rumah my uncle kat Puchong. huhu. jenuh nak menunggu. Takut. Dah la sorang2.. Sangat takut. T__T nak menangis jer.. Takpe, sabar nabila, sabar..Berdoa je..Sabar..

So, what should i do now?? Wait here or go back? I'm afraid i can't reach there before time. Nanti pintu gate asrama kunci da~ I felt very afraid now. Lelaki ramai. Indians pun 1/2 KTM train.. ramai sangat lelaki kat sini. huhu..takut.. Takkan nak duduk kat cc sampai my aunt balik kot.. lama tuh.. HUHUHUHU!!!!!!!!!!! Saya nak Azni!!!! Rindu sama dia sangat2.. Kalau dia ada kat sini mesti dia takkan biarkan saya mcmni.. T__T nak menangis lagi la.. I'm such a baby~

So, what should i do now?? Nak tunggu lama2, takut..Nak call takde lak nombor my aunt tuh. Nak balik takut tak sempat+penat jer bayar tambang pegi sini.. Nak pegi rumah orang lain, tak tahu lak mcmne nak contact! huhu, macamne nie?? Facebook je ade, tp xkn la org dok on9 24 jam kan? Abis tu, xkan saya nak duduk sini 24 jam jugak?!

S.O.S lAPAR sangat ni. Nanti makan burger jela. Tadi dah beli dah..and air from 7e.

OK LA. Assalamualaikum. I have to go. Masa tak menginzinkan.

busy sangat la ni !

2011-02-17T23:45:00.002+08:00

Quite a busy day these days.. But, even how busy i am, i'm still have the time to think of you. * Miss my fiancee so much *

Lately, byk problem. Even ponteng pon satu hal. Kena marah la pulak. . Haish, entah la, tak tahu la apa yang betul dah. Buat benda betul, dikatakan salah. Ingat orang ni robot ke?? Buat benda salah, orang tengok betul. Pelik betul dunia sekarang ni ~ huhu

Sekarang tengah wat mind map untuk subjek Child Development! Sangat menarik mind map itoo . ahaha, angkat bakul sendiri beb ~ ^-^

Ok la, rasanya dah siap takde pape lah. Tido saje. Lately ade masalah insomnia pulak. Huhu. Menangis dulu sebelum tidur baru boleh tidur.. Ingat nak beli la ubat tidur. ~~Senang nak bunuh diri~~.. oppss, silap. Senang nak tidur lena. Ahaha, jangan tak bangun-bangun sudey~

Haha, itu saja! Saya nak tido dulu. Papai ~ Goodnight!! :) Even now i miss him a lot :'(

oh tidak!

2011-02-15T23:37:00.004+08:00

Hai hai semua,
Assalamualaikum, apae khabar anda?

Hari ni aku baru balik dari Langkawi. Penat sangat . Tapi tak sepenat masa naik train 2 hari lepas. Nasib baik amik bas. Ade gak berhenti kat R&R . Boleh duduk, baring, and buat ape2 lah. Kalau kat train, kerusi dia tak boleh baringkan mcm dlm bas tu..So, mse naik train tu sakit belakang je sebab kerusi dah la tak selesa pastu tak boleh baring pastu perjalanan 10 jam! Takpelah, nanti lain kali aku amik yg katil punye, taknak yang duduk2 nih. Itupun nasib baik mak aku amik 2nd class punya seat.. Kalau economy class, fuhhhh~ terbaik lah. Dah la ramai, sempit pulak tu. Asal aku nak pergi atau balik dari cafe je org laki dok tengok. Ape pandang-pandang, huh??, kataku dalam hati. haha. Dah la susah nak tido, mati kutu lagi kat dalam tu sebab taktaw nak buatpa. Sejuk pulak tu. Lagi susah nak tido bha! hahaha. Same goes to my mom la~ She can't sleep much. haha, maybe risau sebab anak perempuan die asyik merayau sane sini dalam train tuh. hahaha, sape ek??..

Haih. Nak ceritalah sometthing.. Malam semalam aku ada post something kat sini kan? Lepas dah siap tulis2 and print kerja, aku pon balik lah bilik.
Bila aku nak tido tu, aku tak boleh tido sebab aku macam dengar vibration handphone, so, aku check aku punye. Takde pape . Check mak aku punya lak . Ade mesej . So, aku bgtau la mak aku.. Mesej dari abah rupanya.. Abah rindu kat mak tu. Haihhh, urusan orang tua, aku malas nak campor.

Lepastu, mak aku ni sebenarnye boleh dikira merajuk la jugak..hmmm, ape nak buat..perempuan..wanita..sama je.. Perempuan ni lagi sensitif dari lelaki. Lelaki sampai mati pon takkan faham.

So, nak jadikan cerita, mak aku mulalah cerita pasal abah and dot dot dot... Aku rasa setengah jam ade la kott..tapi tak selama tu lah. Mak siap menangis lagi.. Tapi aku tak buat pape pown, cuma dengar sahaja. Hati aku pun sayu je..tapi aku tak berhak nak comment pape. Aku respect ah kat mak aku sebab selama ni dia tabah hadapi cabaran perkahwinan dan sanggup sabar dengan tut tut tut.. haha.
Mak aku sanggup sabar demi anak2 tapi mereka tak sedar anak yang satu ni dengar mereka bergaduh hampir tiap2 hari kat rumah masa sekolah rendah sampai menengah. Tension jugaklah tengok mak bapak bergaduh kan.. Haih,,nak kata terabai, ok je kot..cuma makan minum ja tak cukup. Bukan mak aku tak masak, aku yang tak lalu makan.. Ntah la, seingat aku, aku memang dah selalu makan sorang2 pastu lak makan tak tentu.. Sebab stress kot. Ah, lantak la. Cerita lama. Sekarang aku dah besar dan mula memahami situasi. Tapi masalah makan ni sampai sekarang tak hilang la.. dah terbiasa la kot.

Tapi tak dapat dinafikan, kesannya tetap ada pada aku.. Aku sebagai anak bongsu yang keseorangan di rumah sampai sekarang aku keseorangan kot.. hahaha. ayatt ~
Haish, sedih la pulak.
Sampai sekarang takde orang yang dapat faham situasi aku sekarang ni. Ada kawan, tapi aku taknak la kecoh2 hal keluarga ni, hal orang tua pulak tu. Gosip satu kelas pastu satu cohort pastu satu department lak! satu TESL dengar beb! haha. Aku tension la kalau jadi gitu. Aku tak suka ade orang masuk campur hal2 peribadi.. To me, privacy is important. Ye ke? aha, tak tau lah. =___=

Tak tau la nak cakap mcmne. Malam tadi aku dengar cerita dari mak aku, aku pun sama terasa, sedih dan sayu tapi lagi sedih mak aku sebab dia kena ingat balik ape yang dah berlaku.. Menangis2 dia.. huhu.. Sekurang-kurangnya ada orang dengar walaupun aku dah teramat ngantuk masa tu.. Aku sorang je tau pasal ni buat sekarang ni. Kakak2 n abang2 aku tak tau details macam aku. Haha, seronok bha~ Seronok dalam duka. :'(

Entah la, kadang-kadang aku rasa dunia macam tak ade belas kasihan. Lelaki sekarang makin jadi tak berguna, tak bertanggungjawab dan semakin suka bergantung pada perempuan. Kadang-kadang aku rasa ada je lelaki yang baik, tapi aku sure lah, jodohnya pun mesti baik2 jugak kan?.. hmmmm, kalau nak yang terbaik, kena lah fikir diri sendiri dulu.. Kalau awak sayang dia dan nak si dia dapat yang terbaik, kenapa tak je awak cuba jadi terbaik?.. kan kan? betul tak? Hmm, takpe, tuhan dah ciptakan pasangan masing-masing bukan? Bersabarlah dengan ujianNYA.. :) Aku pun tengah cuba untuk bersabar dan tabahkan diri walaupun kadang-kadang tak sangka hati ni sekuat sekental mana ~

Tak kisah la. Tutup buku. End of story. Kang aku melalut yang bukan2 pulak.

Ok.
Tadi masa dah sampai KL, aku teman mak aku beli tiket dulu pastu baru aku balik. Haish, kalau pakwe ade kat sini,,mesti dia datang..Kalau dia ada sini, mesti dia akan nasihat kat aku and beri semangat kat aku.. Aku rasa takde semangat lah. Aku sanggup ponteng kelas. Tapi tu sebab nak teman mak aku..takpelah. lantak lah. Aku dah tak kisah dah...

Masa kat LRT td, terasa sangat dan amatlah penat di samping terimbau kenangan lama.. Merindui tak salah, tapi adakah aku dirindui juga? Ntah la..tak penting dah sekarang, kan? Aku dah tak sepenting dulu..

Masa dalam LRT td, ade lak mamat ni tengok2 aku macam tak pernah pandang je. Nak kata kau seksi, tak jugak tapi aku rasa 50:50 la.. Sebabnya aku tak bawak baju lebih nak pegi Langkawi tu so balik tadi pon macam takde baju je.. haha. Penat aku pakai baju yang sama.. Salah fashion lak tuh. hahaha :)) lawak gler , ade ke bole terfikir pasal fashion. haish,,tak habis-habis cerita aku denga kasut, baju dan beg. Kalau boleh, nak jugak citer pasal perfume ni. Astaghfirullahalazim,,,hari maulud hari ni, aku patut berselawat ke atas Nabi Muhammad.. Astaghfirullahalazim.. ape lah aku ni ek.

By the way, nak cerita ni.
Tadi tercicir purse dalam taxi masa balik.. huhu.. Kalau naik kete boifren takpe gak tapi ni taxi~! Mula2 cari dalam bilik junior sebab sampai2 je asrama tak dapat masuk bilik. So, ingatkan tertinggal kat bilik lepastu cari punya cari tak jumpa. Dah la duit aku takde. Kad bank semua ade dalam tu. Kad2 banyak gler tapi gunanya tak sangat lah. haha.
Habis aku kena marah dengan warden. Tak pasal-pasal aku kena tuduh. Dia ingat aku sengaja balik malam2 ni.. Padahal, aku baru sampai stesen bas pukul 9 lebih! Sampai asrama lak pukul 10. Alhamdulillah, nasib baik encik pemandu teksi tu jujur. Dia pergi balik asrama aku untuk pulangkan purse tuh. Aku lega gila..semua IC, lesen, kad bank ade dalam tuh cuma duit jak takda. haha =____= aku suda bankrap da~
Lepas je aku dapat semula purse aku, aku pergi balik bilik kawan aku, nak makan durian same2 lah coz roommate aku tak tahan bau durian. haha. Berapa ulas je ade.. Td aku bahagi dua dengan mak aku sebab takut tak habis, plus, aku tak makan malam lagi. Yelah, dah bisa la katakan.. huhu.

So, sekarang aku nak buat ape? Well, aku nak tido. hehe.

Goodnite semua!

LANGKAWI . PONTENG .

2011-02-14T23:27:00.003+08:00

Now i'm online in a CC in Langkawi due to no laptop. What can i do? I came here not fully prepared.
..............
SUNDAY

Mom called. She said about going going somewhere. I guessed she had problems with my dad.. So, here it is...

On Saturday night she called and told me that she's coming to KL by the next day. So, basically, i don't know why she wanted to come here by herself alone. But, yesterday i found out when i came to her.
Yeahh, i came from Bandar Tun Razak to Bkt. Jalil, you know~ And she's all alone.

Know what??
She wanted to go by train to somewhere ~ i don't know, my family won't know. "Whatt?!!" was my question in monologue. I thought she must be crazy. But, i understood why she did that. But, still, i'm worried if she went all alone , so, i decided to come with her.

SO, HERE I AM :)
Stranded here without much clothes to be worn, and it's totally hooottttttt here! Plus, i didn't bring my homeworks along. I'm so dead by Wednesday!!! X(

Unfortunatelty, the journey from Bukit Jalil --> KL SENTRAL --> KTM antarabandar (stop at every station) --> Arau, Kedah was very tiring.
As i sat in the train for 10 HOURS!!!, i did nothing except walking back and forth to the cafe which was situated 5 'gerabak' from mine.

Malu, malu, malu bila ada sekali tu terlanggar pintu cermin untuk masuk gerabak dpn gerabak saya. huhhh, nasib baik penonton cuma sorang je. die tersengih2 lak. tau la aku dah langgar pintu. kott ye pon, jgn la sengih mcmtu sekasli kat aku. grrrr!! malu ouh~

Tired. Yess,, toyally tired because i have insomnia (trouble to sleep), so, basically, i wondered around the train. Cuma bila 5 atau 6 jam terakhir tu je baru tahu duduk diam, itupun sebab baca novel :p ehehehe. Khusyuk benar ~

I realised i didn't get enough sleep yesterday, yet, i online at late night. :p hehe

Today is 14th February and i saw many couples, org2 tua pon ade, holding hands.. Awwww~ so sweet. I really missed that moment. I hope my parents also can berbaik2 semula. hmmmm, no comment.

My mom asked me, if she died before my dad, i would have to live with my stepmother. GREAT! aku taknak. akan ku protes!
So, what did i do today selain dari ponteng kelas?
I mandi kat masjid, naik feri, bawak kereta kt langkawi ni (hehe, teramat sukaa), tghari tido smpi kul 5 pastu mandi, semayang dan keluar. Before magrib dah balik.. Best sgt kat cni sebab dpt tengok laut.. Laut mengingatkan aku kepada seseorang yang amat jauh di laut nun sana.. Tengok laut pun sedih siot sekarang ni. Anyway, sangat tenang kat sini walaupun mat salih sini sana berbikini, berspender sahaja. hahahahaha. Mak aku da comment2..tp dia faham..

Itu sajelah. Dinner malam ni kami makan kerang rebus and ikan pari masak sambal. Now, sangat sakit pinggang ~ NAK BALIK. mASA TAK MENGIZINKAN ~ BAHAHA . bYE BYE-

gOOD NIGHT!

To my beloved one...

2011-02-12T20:38:00.003+08:00

Assalamualaikum..
Terlebih dahulu, nak tanya abang sihat? Kalau ya, bagus lah. Nabila doakan abang sihat sejahtera kat sana. Nabila pun sihat kat sini. Cuma stress je kadang-kadang. Abang pun jangan la stress2 sangat kat sana eh. I miss you very much. :) Sebenarnya, Nabila nak beritahu abang pasal laman web ni- . Dia lebih kepada berasakan bida barang2. Nabila dah spend almost MYR600 for this thing. What should i do? Nabila bida,bida dan bida tapi tak dapat satu pun lagi. Nabila tak tahu nak bagitahu siapa lagi.. Sedih sebab tak ada siapa Nabila nak bagi tahu lagi. Nabila dah tanya kawan-kawan tapi dia orang pun tak tahu. Sekarang ada aktiviti kat dewan kolej. Tapi Nabila still kat bilik. I felt very sad and confused. I have nobody to talk to. Nobody to guide me.. I feel very sad about this. Nabila sedih sangat.. Nabila rasa macam taknak pergi dewan je. Pergi pun kalau rasa macam sorang2 je buat apa kan? Lagipun muka ni nampak sangat muka budak baru menangis..takut kat dalam dewan tu menangis je.. Nabila tulis ni macam abang baca kan? Takpelah, satu hari nanti mesti abang baca, kan?
Pasal website tu, Nabila da spend banyak duit. Abang tengok la laman web tu.. Baru2 ni, Nabila rasa macam berjudi..sebab da spent banyak pastu bida sana, bida sini tapi tak dapat pun. Patut ke Nabila teruskan? By the way, Nabila pun ada spend duit MYR300 kat baju,beg dan kasut jugak. Beli online je sebab malas nak keluar bila abang takde. hehehe . Tapi kan, sampai sekarang bila Nabila check kat HEP, xde pun nama Nabila. Tapi bila check dengan courier service, barang Nabila dah sampai 4 hari lepas kott. Geram pulak lah. Abang, kan bagus kalau abang ada kat sini.. Rindu sangat kat abang. By the way, Nabila ada dengar cerita dari Yasmin, ramai lelaki yang kerja or study kat Arab ni kahwin dengan perempuan indon sebab kebanyakan dari dia orang kerja sebagai tukang masak lah, waitress lah kat banyak restoran melayu. So, when you said you come and see the chefs EVERYDAY , i wonder la mesti abang jatuh cinta kan kalau jumpa tiap2 hari. To think about it, i felt very sad, and going mad alone. Totally sad. Why? Because i wait for you until now.. I'm afraid you would do 'something' with someone else.. Manalah tahu kan.. Mesti hati Nabila hancur berderai kalau dapat tahu. Even negative thought ni pun dah cukup buat Nabila sedih. I hate you so much for leaving me behind. I really hate you but i do love you.. I guess that's why i cry and cry and cry but at the same time i smile and smile and smile.. Tapi, sekarang ni, Nabila dah tak larat nak tahan air mata ni.. I felt very scared with Yasmin's theory. Tapi, kalau dah takde jodoh..apa Nabila nak buat? Kali terakhir abang kecewakan hati perempuan bila? Nabila harap biarlah yang lepas tu kali terakhir abang buat.. Jangan buat lagi.. What goes around will come around. Apa yang kita buat, kita akan dapat padahnya.. Tapi Nabila tak sanggup nak buat macamtu.. At least Nabila sensitif dan tahu apa perasaan orang kalau kita kecewakan orang tu. Hubungan kita sangat terbatas sekarang. Jumpa tak lagi. Dah lama tak chat. Abang pun cuma sempat balas comment Nabila kat Facebook je. Yeah, i am happy but i waited for you to do that everyday, you know. EVERYDAY. Memang abang tak suruh..tapi Nabila nak buat..Nabila sangat rindukan abang. Everyday i counted days for you to come back. Everyday Nabila lalui benda yang sama. Kelas tetap sama macam dulu. Sepenuh masa. haha. Boleh gila Nabila dibuatnya. Tak tahu lah nak kata apa lagi.. Even abang dah takde masa nak online. Hari tu Nabila tanya Angah Lina abang ada contact dia tak baru-baru ni. Dia cakap abang contact mak je, bukan dia.. So, i wonder la abang ada handphone..but you didn't contact me. I know you are busy..dan sangat kekurangan masa untuk online sekarang. Sebab tu Nabila rasa sangat risau dan sedih.. Sebab perkataan dalam satu komen abang jumpa orang indon yang masak tu and suruh dia masak untuk abang..I feel so betrayed. Ya. abang khianati Nabila. Tapi, tu cuma perasaan cemburu je.. And why asyik Nabila je yang cerita pasal diri Nabila , meanwhile abang tak banyak cerita tentang diri abang.. Oh, okay, abang busy. Nabila faham.. Nabila rasa bertuah dapat kenal orang macam abang. Sanggup berkorban untuk keluarga. Kan seronok kalau Nabila ni ahli keluarga abang.. Alangkah bangganya dapat suami macam ni. Haaa, rasa macam mimpi pulak. Tapi, Nabila bukan sesiapa..Maka Nabila tak dapat nak halang abang dari pergi.. Even abang pun tak kasi Nabila hantar abang pergi ke airport. Tambah lagi, tak puas dengar suara abang.. tapi Nabila asyik tak dapat call abang malam tu sampai lah abang sendiri yang call Nabila. Mungkin abang sengaja matikan phone. Maybe.. Lepas tu abang pergi dan tinggalkan mesej je.. Hati mana yang tak sedih.. oK, Nabila bukan sesiapa. Nak peluk, tak mungkin. Nak ikut pun tak boleh.. Nabila cuma ada sekeping hati je dan Nabila hantar hati dan doa Nabila dengan abang semoga abang dapat rasakan apa yang Nabila rasakan dan abang selamat sepertimana Nabila selamat dan kita dapat berjumpa jika tuhan dah tentukan.. Nabila doakan abang selamat dan baik2 kat sana.. Jangan lupa makan ubat. Abang dah pilih jalan tu, Nabila dah tak boleh buat apa-apa lagi dah..I am not your wife for you to think about. But, always remember, i've always think about you.. Itu je yang Nabila nak tulis.. Semoga abang bahagia kat sana...bersama kawan2 baru.. Jangan abaikan solat dan ingat orang tersyang. Maybe i am not the one you can share your story with..But i always share my story..or a part of it until i can't share anything. Hidup ni..penuh dugaan.. Mungkin ALLAH nak menduga hubungan kita sejauh manakah kita boleh bertahan.
Abang dan Nabila mesti ingat, usaha itu perlu untuk suatu hubungan berjaya.. Nabila cakap bukan pada abang sorang je, tapi Nabila pun meningatkan diri Nabila ni. Abang cakap nak kahwin, bukan? I just wanna tell you something..no offence, okay. Perkahwinan bukan sahaja berlandaskan hawa nafsu, tapi tanggungjawab. Tanggungjawab tu besar. Nabila atau abang mungkin puas secara batin tapi kalau zahir masih ada kekurangan, mungkin kita masih belum bersedia. Mungkin itu sebabnya abang tak bersedia untuk jadi seorang suami dan bapa.. Tapi abang mungkin anak yang baik sebab abang sanggup tinggalkan Nabila, yang bukan sesiapa ni tapi dengan meninggalkan tanda. Walaupun hakikatnya Nabila nampak macam okay, abang macam okay, Nabila tahu kita berdua masing-masing K.O. Bila Nabila tengok abang jaga dan agah Irfan, Nabila rasa macam abang dah bersedia..Mungkin tu perasaan Nabila je.. Padahal abang rasa lain. Mungkin sebab itu anak orang, abang tak kisah tapi kalau anak sendiri abang mungkin kisah pasal tanggungjawab. Kalau Nabila jadi isteri abang nanti, nak kena fikir pasal jaga abang, tapi tu Nabila tak kisah la..cuma Nabila risau ada sesetengah perkara yang abang atau Nabila abaikan. Memang besar tanggungjawab kita kalau kita kahwin muda. Nabila redha kalau ini ketentuannya.. Tak kira sebesar manapun kesalahan kita, kita mesti mengamalkan sikap toleransi.. Mungkin Nabila kuat merajuk tapi tak salah kalau abang pujuk, bukan? Kenapa? Abang bosan? Oh, bila pasal hubungan intim tak bosan lah? Mungkin abang nak yang terbaik dan mungkin abang fikir Nabila perlukan yang terbaik..Tapi, Nabila cuma nak abang tahu, Nabila rasa takde yang terbaik selain abang. Mungkin abang rasa Nabila tak kenal ramai lelaki. Tapi Nabila dah cukup kenal abang terlebih dahulu.. Kalau abang rasakan Nabila bukan yang terbaik, Nabila tak gemuk, Nabila selalu merajuk, Nabila degil, Nabila suka marah ke, cemburu sangat ke, abang fikir lah semula apa yang kita dah lakukan bersama-sama. Mungkin abang tak rasa abang ada tanggungjawab ke atas diri Nabila yang bukan sesiapa ni. Kalau macam tu, abang bukan orang yang bertanggungjawab, sekaligus, abang tak layak mengahwini sesiapa pun. Abang rasa tercabar? Sedih? Atau tiada perasaan setakat ni? Itu lah perasaan Nabila bila abang buat keputusan pergi. Terima Kasih . Mungkin Nabila dah maafkan abang, tapi untuk melupakan, sorry la.. Because you are my addiction and my cure is you. Sorry, if i become very sick and can't survive. That's because i feel to die is better than to live in hatred, missing, pain and fear. Bukan bermaksud takde pape yang dapat menggembirakan Nabila.. Nabila still ada kawan2, tapi kawan2 yang senang bersama jelah. Nabila ada family, tapi mak pun dah ada masalah tanpa Nabila perlu buat mak sedih lagi. Abah pun kurang sihat sekarang ni jadi tak perlu Nabila tambahkan kesusahan pada tahap kesihatan dia.. I pity myself and i pity you.. I pity fot the both of us. Ini semua dugaan dari Allah dan kita cuma perlu berdoa untuk mengurangkan kesedihan kita dan menjauhkan dari perkara2 yang boleh buat kita dan keluarga kita terluka.. Apapun, Nabila faham tugas abang sebagai seorang anak.. Nabila faham tugas abang jugak.. Kena bersabar, bukan? Sabar, Nabila, sabar~ Abang pun mesti bersabar ye..Jangan jadi macam Nabila, tak makan ubat kalau sakit, degil, and senang cemburu..Abang kena kuatkan diri abang, yelah, mana tahu kalau abang kena jumpa Nabila buat kali terakhir ke.. By the way, ni bukan nota bunuh diri ye. Jangan risau. I can live independently but only i hate to live now. I hate to see hipocrisy that people shows..but it's part of life, right? I have to go through every stages in my life, then i will get more and more matured. Matured. Itu yang abang nak, bukan? Because i am trying to understand every thing, every reason why people do/is that way~ Life is a learning process to me. Abang nak Nabila matang, tapi hidup tu panjang.. Nabila tak boleh matangkan diri Nabila, tapi hidup dan pengalaman boleh. So, Nabila nak hidup selama yang boleh supaya satu hari nanti, Nabila jadi apa yang abang mau. Kan kan? Abang rasa bersalah ke? SOrry, i didn't mean to, i just want to remind you..and myself..we both.. Jaga diri baik2 tau sebab Nabila cuma nak abang selamat dan sejahtera. Nabila minta maaf kalau ada terkasar bahasa dan abang terasa.. Begitu juga kalau ada para pembaca yang amanlah tahu terasa ke... Abang, jaga diri baik2..Jangan lupa solat..minta kat Allah kalau abang nak apa2.. Nabila sangat sayangkan abang. Kalau ada apa2, Nabila tak paksa abang atau harap abang nak beritahu..tapi anggaplah Nabila yang sepatutnya. Kata dah bertunang, kan. hehe. Smile okay. :) Jangan nakal2 menggatal tau. Sumpah nanti. hek, gurau je. Nak ke? hahaha. Ok, take care.. Sekian, assalamualaikum..

the fact is..life and reality

2011-02-12T17:39:00.004+08:00

Nothing bad happen. Don't worry. Maybe my last post before this was a bit ~~stupid~~. Astaghfirullahalazim...

Nothing bad happen. Don't worry. I am in the stage of where i felt like i was alone.

Nothing bad happen. Don't worry. I ain't going to kill myself yet.

Nothing bad happen. Don't worry. My faith is still there, going up and down, and so do i ~

For your information , i don't care . I don't care if you want to leave me. But, it's not okay if you leave me but you can wait for others. I don't care if you go but i care if you leave me alone when you can wait for others. Why must me? Because i'm a 'left-aside-girl-she-will-be-alright-she-is-independent' ? Is that it??

Don't worry, i am not mad. I'm just sad. Because once i have a friend, but dares to leave me. Once i have best friends, but they go into different way after we left school. Once i have a best friend, but she's playing me. Once i had friends, they were hypocrite, bajet good2 and ignorant of others' feeling.
Once i have friends and i'm happy that they are not like my friends before.. :)

But why am i very upset?

I'm upset because i live independently.
I'm upset because no one to listen to me anymore
I'M UPSET BECAUSE I HAVE TO LIVE IN MY OWN WORLD..

I know i have to face the truth and reality - that this are just tests from god. I prayed and wished for the best for myself. I cried, deep in myself, asking why i am upset..

You have to believe.

Life isn't great at all. Sometimes you have luck and sometimes bad thing happened. But, it's the cycle of life, isn't it? We have to faced the reality. Not everything or everyone is good and vice versa.

Hope is a lie. Hope when you know you have none. Keep faith in yourselves. Have strong mental. Life isn't easy.

Once, a person told me; "...live your life, move on, befriends with a lot of people. Gain more experience. You are young. We are young. Meet as many people as you can. Think differently of other people. Be matured. And lastly, take care."

Thank you, dear for your advice.. But, i am not you. And i am the way i am. I live through experiences, too. As i believed i live unaffectedly, actually deep inside i feel sad though sometimes i feel very happy. To keep this negative thought is a pain to me. Painful as it hurts me. I live by myelf and it's painful to keep it to myself only. No one to talk to and no one to empathy and no one by my side...

But i have to believe that everything happened for it's own reason- Allah created it that way so that we can learn. Learn from mistakes.

But, what mistakes did i do? Was it because i-am-independent that make people leave me alone?
..................................................

kesibukan sampai tak tdo2 lagi ni .

2011-02-11T01:12:00.004+08:00

Yup, terlalu sibuk sehinggakan banyak kerja tak tersiapkan ~
Tak kisah, at least, i stay up sampai tengah malam ni ade kawan-kawan teman . Syok bile ade orang teman buat kerja or buat kerja sama-sama dengan kita, kan?

:( Haih, entah la kenapa masa aku buat statement td rasa sedih pulak. . Nevermind la . Maybe impak lagu-lagu sedih yang dimainkan masa buat kerja td. Semua bukak lagu jiwang ~ hahaha

Tapi, i tak menangis. Eh, tak, tak, tak. Kita kena pandai kontrol depan orang . haha . yeke?? No comment la. . hehe :D

By the way, sekarang rasa penat sangat tapi nasib baik tadi dah basuh muka. Sambil duduk-duduk termenung ni, teringat kat my tunang tak official ~ sangat rindu . Apa dia tengah buat sekarang ni . . Orang lain dapat jumpa dia tiap2 hari tapi orang kat sini tak dapat jumpa dah . Rasa nak mati je bagos ek . APESAL LA MEREKA-MEREKA INI MEMBUKA LAGU-LAGU YANG BOLEH BUAT AKU MERAUNG JE........

BOSAN, BOSAN BOSAN BOSAN !!!! ~~aku nak mati dulu sebelum aku dikecewakan boleh tak?~~~

Bye-bye dunia!

..

2011-02-08T18:47:00.002+08:00
Dear diary,

Why do i have feelings? What if i don't have any feelings? I won't be sad when i'm hurted, right? But i won't feel happy if someone cheers me up, too, right? What is happy and what is sad?

This is a secret between us only, yeah. I had this person that i really love. He's not here and i feel totally sad. I can't see him everyday and i felt jealous with people that he sees everyday. Why , haa? I am confused. I was jealous and it make me cry since i read what he wrote to me.

Dear diary,

Why am i feeling lonely? Why can't i find a friend or a company? Why?
I think i am strong. But, i am like 'strong at the outside'.. You know what i mean?? Well, it is hard to think that i am feeling loneliness when lots of people are around me. They yelled, talk loudly, laughed and even sing! But, i still felt like i was alone in the room. I think i still live in a different world. World of nowhere. Where else can i go? How to differentiate privacy and time to be left alone? How can i become so weak? I really am confused with all these questions!

Dear diary,

I hate feelings! Why do we have to fear from our own feelings?? We are created equal, right? I don't know what to do now.. Help me out, dear..

Trully,
Lydia ~

Let's go to the field !

2011-02-08T18:35:00.003+08:00
Kejohanan Olahraga Tahunan (KOT) is coming soon. I really don't want to be involved in any of the activities. Starting from this week, there will be training, either in field or at track. ~~DAMN!~~ I don't like the sounds of this at all. It means that we are going to have no time to do homework and totally, we have lots of group work which sometimes we are in group with students who lived outside. (I wish i could get out of here as soon as possible).

Yesterday i P.O.T.E.N.G. latihan sukan . Hahaha. A friend of mine ask me to out to Pavillion (PAVI???!! OH NO!!!). Pavi is too much for me as i can't buy anything priced less than RM50. duhhh ~ The place is soo not my type. Very expensive place. It suits with people with HIGHER TASTE. Dang, once, i went there only capable of watching movie only. haha X)

OK, that's all i wanna write. I'll write sooner.

good. great. NOT OKAY.

2011-02-07T21:45:00.003+08:00
Everything looks okay though. Well, basically, on the surface only laa..

So, what did i mean by this statement?
Ahah! I DON'T KNOW and i don't care. It's not that important to know anyway~

Yesterday, i just bought a printer. MP258 at RM175. Isn't it cheap? or is it normal price? Well, i don't know. And my friend who accompany me also don't know! But thanks for helping me to carry that heavy thing (the uses of 'friends' is contaminated by me i think) haha. Oopps, sorry ya. Didn't mean to but no one wanted to go out with me yesterday, plus, i have no transport =__= (Seriously, i miss to hangout with my fiancee again) :(

Well, CHANGE TOPIC.
I am totally busy these days. WHY? Because lots of homeworks during the CNY + daily works that i got today + need to send essay tomorrow. I REALLY HATE HOMEWORK!!!! ~~DARN IT!~~
Oppps, mencarut lah pulak. Alah, tulis je, tak cakap. Nak cakap tak berani. ahhahaha

By the way, each day, we get more homeworks........ Oh no! I hate homeworks!!!
GREAT. GOOD & TOTALLY NOT OKAY! HUH....*long sigh*

I had, no, we, had something in our hostel this Magrib.. Where i had to introduce myself. As my friend put status 'will get married', 'complicated', 'engaged' and 'single', i don't know what's my status. Yes, i am single as i'm not yet married, but i am not available too. hehe .

But, i don't know what's my status now..I felt like belong to nowhere. But, at least i can still feel the love air. Everyone have lovey dovey status while i have more emotional status than others. Ughhh!!

I really don't want myself to be carried away but i think i get carried away by the fact that i have to live by myself now..
I didn't blame anyone...
I didn't make decision...
I didn't leave anyone...
But still, people blame me, with no one to listen to me...
But still i can't decide because the future doesn't belong to me...
But still, people will leave me if i am late whatsoever...
It's sad to think that you live alone in this world and all you have to do by yourselves..
I am not happy about it.
I hope to end this life..
No, i am serious.
Not that i want to make suicide.
But i hope time past faster.

Thank you.

Truly,
Bella

Tak habis-habis merepek

2011-02-05T23:10:00.004+08:00
OK. FINE. Aku takkan tulis bende-bende mengarut sampai nak buat cerita. Emotional lebih pun bukannya buat untung pon kan ?

By the way, aku ni memang suka guna bahasa Inggeris, tapi aku lebih suka campurkan dengan bahasa Ibunda . haha, biasa lah tu bahasa pasar kan? Walaupun aku tak pernah pergi pasar, even orang kat pasar pon tak guna bahasa pasar. haish.

Nevermind ~ Actually, i translate everyhting from my mind and when i couldn't find the word in English, then i will start to use 'bahasa rojak'. Usually i wrote it in italic or in ' '. It's standard, right?

Anyway, i'm back to college after a week of Chinese New Year holidays. 1 week? Even students start their holiday on Wednesday while on Monday and Tuesday they still had to come for school. Truthfully, we (me and my colleagues) have to replace everyhing on that Monday and Tuesday after this holidays.
Means what??
I hate replacement class.
It makes me really tired of the day.

Usually, i will call my fiancee (fiancee>?? yess, we are ENGAGED, unofficially) so that i won't be stressed out. I do miss him. very much. I miss him dearly..

OK. "No need to be emotional again. Wipe your tears, Nabilah. Come back to the reality."

ok. Back to the topic, I HAVE LOTS AND LOTS OF ASSIGNMENT AND HOMEWORKS. Actually, it's not a lot. Only 2 subject by the way. But, doing the homeworks are not a little less than you think. For this holiday, i have to finish reading 1 novel and 1 play, all in English and know what?? I wasted my time 3 days not reading it.

WONDER WHY?
Because i left the books at home! ~~Damn~~!! I felt like i'm crying that time. How can i be so forgetful?! 3 days won't be enough for me to finish those CRITICAL READINGS and catch the deadline.

Well, i do want to cry when my dad told me he's not going to send me back home by bus. I felt like i wanna scream. I was very worried. No one to calm me. No one to console me. No one. So, there's just me and...myself.

"Haaa, Nabilah, remember.." ;)

I guess i'm crazy now because i write my own monologue. Oh no! What to do?

Well, basically, i need to take anti-depressant pills, hormon pills and sleeping pills.

Ohh yeah, when i was heading back to my college, there was TRAFFIC JAM at the highway. I was late, but my dad still could make it.

Know wut?
I told him: "Kenapa tak lalu je line yang paling tepi ni?" I mentioned the most left lane (Actually, kat lebuhraya ada 3 lane je kan selalunya, tapi aku tye psl lane yg ke-4, yg emergency punya tuh)
Then, my dad really did it! I was stunned. He rarely do that. LOL. He reminds me of a person, which is my sweetheart ~ Dia suka potong line pakai lane yg paling hujung tu la.. Ish ish ish. Nampak macam teruk tapi kalau dia tak lalu situ, gerenti aku tak dapat masuk asrama malam tu. hahaha. Sometimes, i felt like DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. hahaha ;D

I wonder why....

Huuuu, i'm sleepy right now. I guess i have to go to sleep.. It's time. before the clock strikes to 12. I got to go. Good night, my diary.. I love you.. :*

Hospital

2011-02-04T17:23:00.003+08:00
Three days ago, i was admitted into Hospital because of asthma attack. I couldn't breathe because my heart got a problem in pumping the oxygenised blood back to the heart. I fainted, and my chest was very painful. When i woke up, it was today. I was admitted into the ICU and got a surgery.

It was all like a dream. Like it was just yesterday i went out with my best friends. But, it is a reality now. I'm in a ward. Now, i'm here, sitting on this blue bed, writing my thought, facebooking and all . I never thought that i would touch my lappy again.

What is going to happen? I don't know. My parents told me to pray and they will make solat hajat tonight. As i laid down on this bed, i think back of everything that had happened before this. How i was devastated by a high fever. Does it affect my health? I am not sure, but i knew that i have cough for three weeks long. Now, i think i am okay. At least, i don't have chest pain.

Alhamdulillah, the doctor who treated me said my heart function is normal now and i can go back in 3 days.
He said if there is no complications, i can go back this week. I realised it's Friday today. And Chinese New Year too. I really long to taste oranges. :D

Well, i miss everyone. I miss my nieces and nephews. I miss to make them cry. I miss to bully them. I miss my family too. What i miss most is family gathering and making BBQ.
I also miss my boyfriend. But, i have not receive any news from him since last week. I don't know how to regain consciousness when he's not here. Well, at least he don't see my sufferings.
I don't want him to suffers too, including my family.

They looked very sad, yet, they tried to show me an empathy face, and they could smile. Wow . I don't want to see them like that. Fake smile . Like i have no chance to survive.

New story

2011-02-04T17:20:00.002+08:00
Starting from today, i won't write anything. I will tell a story..with episodes. I am not good in writing, especially in English, but because i liked writing so much (excluded making essay yeah ;)), i would like to write a story where you and me never heard before.
PS: It might be a little bit childish.

Peminat .

2011-02-02T00:01:00.002+08:00
Yess, it's really weird , you know. I thought we can attract people in real life.. But, i think i've mistaken.. OR NOT!????

About 2 weeks ago, i chat with my old friend. He said he likes me after he called me twice or triple times. To me, it's like talking to an old friend, so, basically, i don't have any feelings towards him.
But, to my surprise, he liked me then. He continuously call me, but i ignore it and send me messages telling me that he missed me. Oh great! I don't want a stalker. Nasib baik tak pernah jumpa lagi. Alhamdulillah.. Kalau jumpa terpikat kott. hahaha. Ya Allah, riaknya aku ni.. Astaghfirullahalazim..
Then, i gave him messages, and i told him clearly , I REJECTED HIM! Duhh, i already have a boyfriend, and know wut? He don't even care if i have a bf or not. He told me clearly he wanted me. ~~WHAT THE HECK??!~~ Setelah difikir-fikirkan, aku pown makin tak berminat.. Yelahh, sanggup dia nak rampas kekasih orang?? Kalau aku kapel dgn dia pown, aku rasa dengan dia lah aku paling paling sangat sangat merana ~ That's why i rejected him as soon as possible.

Tak sangka ada peminat. I know la suara i cute ~ wahahaha . Haishh, ni da mula perasan.. Tak baik..

Secondly, there's one guy in Facebook. He told me that he misses me just now. *sigh* another one, i guess.. :D
I thought he was joking, which i think he's making jokes actually. I told him what had happened between my bf and me. So, there's no way he can likes me if i have a boyfriend. Is he another love criminal???

I don't know. Plus, he sounds like my assignment partner. Duhh~ lame.

Err, aku rasa da termengumpat da! Opps, sorry kalau ada yang terasa . NO OFFENCE, yeah..

Truly,
Bella.

..............

2011-02-01T22:43:00.003+08:00
I guess tonight i will have a hard time to sleep. My breathing is slow. I can't breathe normally (i guess).. I have chest pain since last week and i don't know when will i be able to be fine again. I guess, i'm not a strong person to live through this. I mean,,,all this while i've live through loneliness and still managed to live on, but now i feel sick and tired and upset. So, i don't know what am i going to do. Haish,,,i don't to continue like this.. Let me go back to my creator...

Haissshh, ape aku mengarut nih. Tak habis-habis dari semalam. Hmmm, maybe sebab dah sakit lama, so, asyik emotional and tak tentu arah sikit..

Dari tuhan kita diciptakan, kepadanya juga kita kembali, bukan?
Think about it for a second..
I just wanna enjoy this life with my loved ones.. And i hope i could see him again...

By the way, i heard the sound of foxes. My parents cakap tu bunyi musang mengilai tengah sauk pontianak. Sounds creepy to me!! >_< SAYA TAKUT TIDUR SEORANG!!! T_T

Ok lah, i'll try to sleep tonight. But i know it will never like before.. >_< so scary!

Bye-bye. Salam.

Love,

hang out. Wasiat.

2011-01-31T22:50:00.004+08:00
Yeahhh!!!
Today i hang out with Min and Fiqa. Know wut? F brought along her 2 bodyguards (her lil bro n sis). Ohoho. I felt extremely 'weird' or janggal in Malay when i walk wif em'. But, as long as Min was there, i wouldn't feel that so much bcoz i knew she would feel the same as me! haha. What's funny about this, anyway? Euwwh~ haaa.

Well, by the way i just wanna tell you that i went to BP Mall (like there's nowhere else??). Today, i was very mad at the ATM machine and my phone for few reasons:
1. My phone can't make calls, but message can be accepted.
2. My phone's left button function totally ruined. While 'end call' function also useless. So, i can slide up to answer call and slide down to end call, but can never make calls.
3. I forgot to take money from the ATM as i have RM0 in my purse!!
4. Many machine was out of order, making people to line up in a very long queue, that includes me.
5. The machine can't withdraw my money as my BSN card has been damaged (by me and i forgot to renew it this afternoon).
6. Maybank ATM went out of order and it makes me to go at the opposite side of the place that i was standing so that i can withdraw money without any error in other ATMs.
7. I have to stand in a long queue (my friends even can take a while to go to Guardian and try out anything new!)

I think, most of the reasons that made me angry or bengang were listed above :) Thank you for reading, though.

When i was at Min's house, we talked about what was happening in Egypt and of course,,,,,,about our boyfriend too. So far, we talked about *private thingy* and she's very open minded. Well, i guess doctors have to be open to any topic, rite? Hehehe :D

Sejak balik dari rumah Yasmin, sakit dada makin menjadi2.. I hope i can sleep well tonight. Maybe it was an effect from coughing. Yalah, tak makan ubat je. Batuk je dah dua minggu tak baik2. Asyik minum air sejuk jer lak tuh.

Lepastu, teringat pulak kat sorang kawan ni.. Dulu dia tak dapat datang kelas sebab sakit dada disebabkan semput. Aku ingat lagi dia cakap dia susah nak bernafas dan tak boleh tidur.. Aku ingat sebab aku yang bawak dia pergi klinik (padahal sebenarnya saje2 taknak pegi kelas bhaa,) hahaha

Well, simptom dia ada pada aku. Tapi aku rasa keadaan aku makin menjadi2. Ntah la.. Degil makan ubat padahal ubat batuk pown ubat air je..malas..

Bukannya ada orang prihatin nak pergi belikan ubat ke ape ke ~ :'( sedih sangat.. No one cares about me. They don't care about how i feel. They prioritise my education. But, they don't care how i feel, as long as i study and study. To them, it's not a matter if i studied alone (kononya nak ajar berdikari..Tapi aku dari kecik dah berdikari..aku dah bosan hidup sorang2.).

Oh ye, aku selalu tertanya-tanya:

Apa salahnya kalau kita nak kasih sayang??
Tapi tu lah, setiap kali aku dapat, setiap kali tu lah aku hampir kehilangannya.. Rasanya pahit mcm hempedu, tapi aku tak kisah sebab aku dapat merasai manisnya pengalaman bersama tu..
Ye, aku dah tak kisah dengan hidup aku (rasanya??). Tapi, tuhan tak mengajar kita untuk mengalah begitu je kan? So, aku takkan mengalah...

Tapi, andai kata hidup aku ditakdirkan sebegini pendek, aku tak tahu nak cakap apa. Aku tak puas hidup, selagi aku tak mendapat kasih sayang yang aku inginkan..
Tapi, akhirnya nanti?? Aku tetap akan bersendirian..dalam kubur.. haha

Wuts funny about it?? No, i'm serious. Even now, i can feel my breath. Cuaca sejuk lagi la membuatkan kesihatan aku terjejas. Maybe aku ada penyakit lelah or asma.. I have to get away from benda berbulu, tapi benda berbulu jugaklah yang aku peluk tiap2 hari dan tiap2 malam..

Andai kata aku ditakdirkan hidup sehingga kini, alhamdulillah.. Aku bersyukur.. Setidaknya, aku tak perlu hidup dalam perasaan sedih sepanjang masa, bukan? Tapi, aku bersedih bukan kerana DIA, maka aku merasakan tak aci kalau aku tak diberikan peluang untuk bertaubat. Aku rasa peluang tu ada sentiasa depan mata kita..Cuma kita je tak ambil peluang tu..

Ok, back to the story, aku nak buat wasit kat sini.
Andai aku ditakdirkan pergi dulu,,,,aku nak semua orang tahu, aku sayang semua orang, even mereka sakitkan hati aku dan aku sakitkan hati mereka, aku nak mereka tahu aku berbuat begitu sebab aku sayang sangat kat mereka..

I love you, mom and dad. I love my siblings and my nieces and my nephews. They're very adorable!! I wished i could have my own babies..but......? Walaupun, ada kalanya saya meninggi suara (tapi memang anda kadangkala amat tidak menyenangkan..sorry >_<), maafkan lah Nabilah.. Ada banyak benda yang Nabilah tak puas hati, tapi Nabilah pendamkan je..sebab Nabilah dah cuba yang terbaik untuk jadi anak dan adik terbaik, cuba untuk tidak sakitkan hati dan akhirnya saya menjadi lebih pendiam..kerana saya taknak cakap benda yang tidak patut.. Walaupun saya kerap mengecewakan semua orang, tapi terima kasih sebab menerima saya kembali. I love you, mak and abah.. I hope, in the future, both of you can be more open minded to accept my reasons.. :D Takpe lah, Nabilah maafkan semua orang dah.. :) Cheers, ya. Nabilah dah menjadi semakin matang, and i want you to trust me and let me live my way..Only one thing that i asked for : kasih sayang.. Terima kasih sebab jaga Nabila selama ni and hantar Nabilah ke institut tu.. Sumpah macam penjara dah.. Sedih sangat.. Tapi, takpe, saya cuma yang menurut perintah.. hahaha, gurau jelah.. Ok, Nabilah sayang semua tau!! Hope abah dan mak boleh jaga diri masing2 sampai ke tua, jangan gaduh2 even pasal benda kecik pown..

To my best friends, I love you, Azni, Min and Fiqa. You're the best persons that i ever have! Thanks for always listening to me, making me happy, and your open-mindedness (exclude fiqa. I'm sorry >_<). Though sometimes we have fought.

But, i love you, especially Azni..hope to see you again for the last time..I'm afraid i couldn't make it.. Sorry sebab buat abang sakit hati. Ada masanya syg rasa takut sangat..takut kehilangan..dan taknak ditinggalkan terlebih dahulu.. Ya, syg rasa sangat kecewa dengan keputusan abang dan sampai sekarang masih tak dapat terima.. Tapi, syg cuba jugak hidup dengan tabah dan cuba kuatkan jiwa, ye, jiwa, bukan hati sebab hati Nabilah dah lama Nabilah berikan kat abang.. Jiwa Nabilah je yang sakit, yang tak dapat menerima, yang nabila balut tiap2 hari dan cuba lupakan apa yang abang pernah buat (kisah lama tak perlu dikenangkan, bukan..Abang dah janji xkn guna pgln tu and takkan contact lg sesapa yg syg tak suka kan?).. And you promised me you're going back.. I'm very sorry if i coul not make it to the very last breath to see you again. You are mine forever..and i forgave you for what you've done. I also wanna apologise if i've done wrong to you (sure i did,,huhu). And forgive me for giving you a hard time, to choose one from many options. I want you to know, how much i loved you and i want you to know, you're the best one i ever get to know.. Kita dah berapa tahun ya? Nabilah nak sangat ada anak dengan abang.. As i always, tapi bila fikir pasal family yang tak kasi kahwin sampai dah habis belajar, apa nak buat.. And bila terfikirkan abang yang taknak kahwin dengan Nabilah sampai syg habis belajar, lagi pilu hati ni. Sampai begitu lama kan? Takut tak sempat je... haha, memain jelah. Yalah, sedih la.. Tapi, selama ni sangat bahagia dengan abang..sampai jeles kemain lagi~ huhu. Tapi, syg tak buat apa2 salah mcm salah yang abang buat dengan syg tu kan? So, syg nak abang minta maap cepattt. hehe, just kidding! I love you and i really miss you.. Nabila doakan abang sihat sejahtera kat sana.. And i hope abang tak menyesal kalau ada pape terjadi kat Nabila..jangan sedih2 tau.. Nabila taknak abang sedih sebenarnya, tapi cuma nak abang faham.. Of course i knew how you would feel, that's why i don't want you to leave this country. I know how you feel now, because i felt it once before.. Hope you always safe there.. And i hope you can start a new life after i'm gone from this world and i'd do the same if i'm you. :)

To my dearest friends, thanks for support me, Min and thanks to Fiqa for accompanying me when i'm alone..(actually tak pernah cakap pown tapi sangat2 hargai sebab sudi dtg ke rumah saya..).
Min, you're a great friend. Thanks for always lending me a hand when i needed you and you are always gentle on anyone.. No misunderstanding between us, right?

**sambung kemudian sebab da mengantuk sangat..**yawn** Maybe bila dah tiba masanya baru aku tulis panjang2 . Ni baru sikit..Aku nak cakap pasal semua orang yang aku kenal nanti. hehe :D

Mekasih sebab sudi luangkan masa anda! ^^

malam yang sepi

2011-01-30T22:54:00.002+08:00
Hmmm, it's a very lonely night. In fact, all of my nights was spent alone. But, that's me.. How about you? I guess, it was not only me that felt loneliness. Everyone must have faced loneliness in any stage of their life. Guess what? I've been like this since i was small. Gyahahaha :O

It's true what they say. I get independent quickly, yet, i still feel upset, boredom, loneliness and afraid. tak semua orang perfect kan?

ish, apa yang aku ngarut neh kan?.
By the way, it's not me alone that have faced those things ~ you might not know, but, let it be my secret.

Well, i guess my sleep time is increasing. At least, i can sleep early. No, sometimes not because my heart feel something. Something. Something like missing and agony and fear and worry. I do know what makes me feel like this.. But, i don't blame anybody. It's entirely not anyone's fault. So, you must not know who are the person that i mentioned . Seriously, it's a secret.. Bhaaa, mende ni.. -___-

Oh no! I guess it's sleep time by now. After i've finished watching Alice in the Wonderland on Star Movies, i guess, i will go to sleep right away ~

Hehe, good nite, fellow readers! Sweet dreams and let your dreams filled with happy never ending dreams. Thought sometimes it might be weird, let it be.. Sleep tight. Hug someone or something that you love everynight so that you wouldn't feel lonely.

Kiss me goodnite, dear... :* I love you and really miss you..

Truly love,
Bella.

The day without enough sleep.

2011-01-30T13:06:00.002+08:00
Hey, guys!

In my last entry before this i do talk about cat and kittens, right?
Well, i slept late this morning because my cat went in and out of my room for several times!!

She woke me up on bed! Just to get out of the room. Well, the first one, i thought she might have 4 kittens, but i took and saw only 3. So, i was afraid that she might want to get out. So, i waited and play online games for a while. Then, seeing no signals from her, i moved to bed and getting sleep. When i was lying (haven't sleep becoz too worried actually =___=), she came out of the box and walked around my room and finally came to my bed. Then she miow here, miow there ~ She's very irritating! Why can't she tell me earlier before i go to sleep?!

So, i went downstairs and took her out. Then, i closed the window. I looked from inside and from there, i could see that she was searching for something. That time, i already know that she was looking for her baby. Ahh,,,,another waiting. So, i waited until she gave me signal that she wants to go inside (basically, she just stared back and miow,miow at the window which i opened to get her out.

Then, she bring her little baby inside to my room, Next, i wash my feet and hands and ready to go to sleep again. Then, after few minutes, she miow miow again! Arggghh, ~~what the heck??~~
"Ape la kucing ni nak lagi??"
"Miowww, miow, mioww, miow~"
So, i have to send her out again. And again.
Meantime, i watch movie on TV until she came back. Maybe she wanted to find some food. Or maybe she has another kitten. I dunno. But, i waited and haven't slept , yet, it was 1.25 a.m .
Sabar jelaa...
I waited and waited until the clock moves to 2 a.m. I also had finished watching the movie. Even my dad came out of his room to switch off the light and told me to go to sleep.
So, i closed the TV. And a moment after that i heard a miow song! Shut up!!!
There she comes! I let her in, and she went upstairs with me.

But the problem was, she miow miow miow ~ after few minutes she's in the room! So, i let her out until this morning.

I planned on getting up late, but, my dad called me and told me to get up because my sister wanna go back early.
Guess what? It's unexpected that i behaved like a small thief on my very own house, walking slowly, getting upstairs and downstairs very quick but carefully to not wake anybody else up. Yet, the cat miows here miows there..And unfortunately, my brother-in-law's house had been trespassed! (dimasuki pencuri laaa,,,trespass rasanya pelik)

So, my sister had to go back early in the morning and i would miss my little niece very much <3 (not my sister..hehehe)

After they're gone, i watch 2 movies. Then, i went to my room, checked out the kittens and their annoying young mother ~ They're fine .
And me?
Well, i continued playing games and write on my on9 diary. Now, i wanna have lunch! ^^

See ya!

Dinner .

2011-01-29T22:56:00.004+08:00

Today is Saturday. I guess, i love Saturday becoz it means i'll have lotsa free time and i can do anything i want. ^^

Kak Uda balik harini. While Angah tidur kat rumah malam tadi. So, meriah la jugak rumah ni bila dua2 ade. Especially bila anak-anak sedara ada. Riuh la jadinya. Hehe, seronok la jugakk .

Dah lama tak nampak Saqifah..Masa dia mula2 datang tu pown dia macam takut2. Maybe sebab da lama tak nampak aku kott. Yela, sekarang ni dah mula kenal org.
While Arissa pulak dah selalu senyum bila orang tegur dia. Kalau tak, dulu muka kerut2 je.. Hehe. Ni pown da kenal org jugak.. hehehe :D

So, basically, today i played around with my nieces n nephews, but sometimes i also play games "Plants vs. Zombie" . So, bila aku dha main game ni, biasanya tak ingat sekeliling dah. haha

So, after that, what did i do??
Well, aku online petang tu, lepas mkn tghari, sebenarnya sambung main game jup before on9. Mase on9 pown main game kat Facebook. Game tanam-tanam pokok laaa. hahhaaha

Masa tu ada sepupu2 ku datang.. Kakak sepupu aku nak nikah tak lama lagi. Alif kecoh je dengan baby. Ada ke budak tu pergi sentuh perut aku n cakap "Maksu ada baby". Gila gila gila . Aku ada baby ke? haha. Macam dia tau je kan..

So, dinner?
What about it..??

Well, not much really, only my parents and Kak uda je that went to have dinner outside. We ate seafood just now and basically i don't really have much appetite.
Then, i knew that my first brother want to sleep at home tonight, so, i was very happy. At least, he knows very well how to play and cheer up those babies and children. haha. I hoped that Amin will also come here. I miss him. He looks like my bf's nephew though. Only the part that isn't the same is his nose.. =__= ngeee ~

Hehe. When i was at the restaurant (or lebih senang dipanggil kedai), i saw this cat. It's a Siamese!! He/She? I don't know! But it looks much more to 'she' than 'he'. She's very cute!! Adorable and banyak bulu.. hehe. Memang aku suka kucing jenis bulu lebat nih..
So, aku beri la dia makan pakai tangan. Hehe. First time sejak dah bertahun2 aku jumpa kucing , yang bila aku suap kat mulut dia, dia tak gigit jari aku. Haha. Kedengaran pelik, bukan?? Tapi, tu lah hakikatnya. Aku memang pelik sikit. Tapi, ade aku kacau sesiapa?? Tak kan.. Selagi aku tak kacau sesiapa, jangan sesiapa pun nak kacau aku. haaaa~

Bla, bla, bla, lama jugak lah aku berinteraksi dengan kucing tu..ala, setakat suapkan makanan lepastu gonyoh muka dia sikit jee.. --__-- geram sangat dengan kucing tu!

Lepastu bila dah sampai rumah, aku bukak pagar, then aku nampak kucing aku. Lepastu aku nampak kucing aku tu (betina) pergi bawah meja. Aku just sekali imbas jela arah tuju dia tu. Lepastu aku nampak ada anak kucing..

Pastu anak dia yg sulung (dah besar la) pegi lari2 lepastu cium2 & main2 ngan anak kucing baru tu. Aku ape lagi, panic la. Takut kalau kittens tu kena makan dek kucing jantan kalau duduk kat luar. Masa aku amik tu, aku nampak kitens tu mcm ada merah2 lagi, so, aku tau la, maybe baru lahir dlm sehari dua ni kot.

Then, nak tak nak, aku bawak masuk dalam rumah. Aku sibuk cari2 kotak untuk letakkan anak kucing tu. Nak kotak besar supaya muat dengan mak dia sekali. Tapi tak jumpa kotak besar :'( huhuhu. Takut nak letak kat luar, so, aku bawak masuk tinggal kat dalam..dengan mak nye sekali. Aku letak la dalam bilik ni haa.

So, ade la kucing2 tu depan mata aku. Tapi, tadi mak die pergi round2 satu bilik aku ni sampai katil pown dia naik. Nak tido dengan aku ke pae? AKu takut dia berak atas katil je sbb nanti susah nak basuh. Tapi lagi elok dia berak kt bilik aku dari kat bawah. Nanti abah marah pulak...huhuhu

Mak kucing tu da keluar, anyway sekarang. Aku bimbang dia maybe ade lagi sekor dua anak yg tertinggal. Sebelum ni aku taktau dia letak anak die katne. Petang tadi ade la jugak aku cuba cari mne dia letak lokasi anak die nie.. huhu. Sebab malam semalam, masa aku sampai rumah, perut dia yg dulu bunting tu, da kempis.. So, dia da beranak la.. haaa~

Hehe. Sekarang ni tengok anak kucing jela. Agaknya tengah malam nanti mesti aku bangun panggil mak kucing tu. Sebab aku risau anak2 kucing ni nanti kesejukan, then, kan biasanya baby2 kne slalu minum susu lepas lahir. So, anak2 kucing ni pown sama gak, kena minum susu banyak2. Nanti sihat. Kesian kat kittens tuh.. :(

Hmm, sejuk la pulak. Tadi batuk terkokol-kokol masa otw balik rumah. Aku rasa first time batuk macam tu . Masa makan tadi pown aku rasa difficulties in breathing. Everytime aku inhale je, dada aku rasa sakit. Tak tahu la kenapa. Maybe minum air sejuk hujan2 ni yg effect tu. Hmmmm, ntah la.

Btw, mak aku asyik bising je pasal kakak aku lagi satu tu kena duduk kat rumah sewa dia sorang2. Mak aku ni asyik komplen je pasal suami dia tak datang amik. Alaa, maybe dia busy, or dia sendiri taktau kakak aku tuh dok sorg2. Unexpected la kirenya ~ haha . Maybe?
Tapi, seriously, mak aku tak suka lelaki yang tak bertanggungjawab. At least, jenguk2 lah anak bini tu..even busy mana pown, mesti balik rumah. Pandai jaga anak. Sayang bini. Bla, bla, bla, mak aku yang cakap ~ Tapi memang betul lah, kalau aku jadi kakak aku tu pown, aku mesti rasa tak puas hati.. Tapi, yelaaa, aku mne kenal suami dia camne.. Lain orang, lain karakter, so lain la pemahaman dan experience. So, aku tak blame sesapa la.. :)

Hmmm, cakap punya cakap, aku sebenarnya sangat bosan dan aku sangat2 mengharapkan kehadiran sesorang tu.. Aku lah yang selalu duduk depan laptop ni.. Aku sangat2 risaukan dia..
Dia boleh la tengok blog aku ni, cakap ape, aku ni sihat ke, ape aktiviti hari ni.. Tapi, aku tak tahu mcmne life dia~ Aku rasa sangat sedih.. Tapi aku cuba kuatkan diri ni. Aku kuat. Ye, aku kuat sampai aku reject lelaki yg suka kat aku. Aku kuat. Ye, sebab aku tetap boleh tidur tanpa mendengar suara dia. Aku kuat. Ye, aku kuat bila aku boleh keluar sorang2 kat jalan2 yang pernah kami pergi dan lalu tanpa aku menangis lagi. Ye, aku rasa aku dah makin tabah. AKu pun harap dia begitu. Aku lagi banyak kenangan kat sini dari dia. I miss him. And i'm very worried bout' him. Aku dah lama tak terima ape2 berita dari dia..So, aku risau sesangat. Harap dia tahu.. Ada orang kat sini, selain family dia, yang rindu kat dia...Orang ni akan menangis bila dah mula rindukan si dia ~ Harap dia sihat. Aku selalu doakan dia sihat dan tabah mengharungi kehidupan kat sana... :'(

I can't continue now..
So, jumpa esok!!
Buat sementara waktu, aku nak berseorangan je.