Soul Surgery

"Think I Do" Meme for The Work of Byron Katie Facilitators

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 23:23:00 +0000

Cultivating Gratitude Through Understanding Stressful Beliefs

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 05:38:00 +0000

Earlier today, an unpleasant memory came up for me around the Thanksgiving holiday. Years ago, I had taken my mother out to dinner at an upscale restaurant. She was elderly, disabled, very overweight, and, seeing as she was widowed and living on Social Security, not particularly well dressed. I remember the looks the fancy suburban clientele gave her, and their stage-whispered remarks among themselves, and the deep anger and resentment I felt towards them; what gave those people the right to look down on someone less fortunate?

As this memory came to mind today, I also remembered and even viscerally felt the reaction I'd experienced at the time. It was upsetting me, so I decided to take a closer look. I asked myself, "What would I have to be believing if I were to be as nasty and snobbish as I perceived these people to be?" And what I came up with was this: the only reason anyone would resent the presence of someone like my mother is fear. How terrified those women must have been to encounter, in their glitzy sanctuary, the kind of person they would never want to become. What a scary reminder that circumstances can change and they might have seen their future and frightened themselves with it.

For the first time in close to 15 years, I felt compassion for them. And gratitude for my own hard-won clarity. Yes, it was hard-won. The work of self-inquiry is simple, but it is not easy. However, living with the burden of resentment has always been worse, so I invite you to this practice in order that you may experience the joy and peace of the season.

©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Occupy This Facilitator Until Dec. 31, 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 23:32:00 +0000

The tides are changing here in my queendom by the sea. Old systems have been outed as no longer serving, new ones are taking their place amid some inner protesting. Fears of not fitting in or of displeasing others are giving way to the need to live and work with integrity. Call it a midlife crisis; I prefer to call it Occupy Myself...at least 99%.

It has been more than a year, perhaps two, since I last facilitated a workshop, held a teleclass, or trained a trainer. I haven't been diligent about blog posts or newsletters, to say the least. That's because my work as a facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie has largely taken a back seat to some much-needed and long-ignored self-care (exercise and nutrition) and to my creative endeavors: painting, writing and performance. And because, even though I was a promotions manager and copywriter for many years...having done PR for celebrities, created print and web advertising for megacorporations, and composed entire catalogs full of merch...I've never really enjoyed marketing my own stuff.

While I still offer The Work, it has been quite awhile since I've worked hard to build awareness about my services, or to create more curriculum around what is essentially always the same process, wherever it's applied. Truth be told, I've run out of unique things to say about The Work; most of my insights, tips and tricks are right here in this blog, and needn't be endlessly recycled.

I don't see a problem with this turn of events; it's just the way things are. The problem, if there was one, was trying to fit myself into a little box of being a "this" when who I am was always more varied and variable than a "this." There came a point when saying, "This is my life's work" was no longer true; I was playing small and not developing my gifts. In doing so, I was doing a disservice to myself, and perhaps to the world.

So yes, I still facilitate The Work by request, and I still feel without a doubt that it's one of the most elegant processes available to sift through confusion and stuckness to find one's own truth. It certainly has been for me, and continues to be on an as-needed basis. I love staying in The Work by working with others, and, as they say in the 12-step programs, sharing my experience, strength and hope. I am grateful forever for this wonderful way of ours, this way of opening the heavy dungeon doors that, truly speaking, are never locked.

So there is more, much more, to come. I'm excited to let you in on it just as soon as it becomes clearer to me!

Meanwhile, I have had a special rate running for all of 2011, and the year's not over yet. I called it the "Prosperity Special" since I refused to feed the recent recession by calling it that. I have previously made this offer available only to my newsletter subscribers and on the Clear Life Solutions Facebook page, but, as I said, the tides are changing!

So from now until the end of December, you can still experience 12 hour-long sessions of laser-sharp inquiry and unlimited email support for $900, prepaid. (It's okay if the sessions extend into the new year but must be completed by February 2012.) That's a savings of $300 off the price quoted on my website.

Please contact me if you'd like a 20-minute consultation to see if it's appropriate for us to work together.

And why do this with me? Because I'm told that having me as a facilitator is helpful, eye-opening, unorthodox, and a lot of fun. And because it's the lowest rate I've ever offered to the public, and this particular package won't be offered again.

So let's occupy ourselves, 100%.

For more information about who I am and what I've been doing for the past 10 years, please visit ClearLifeSolutions.com

What If Setbacks Aren't Setbacks?

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 21:28:00 +0000

One time a few years back, a friend and I were exploring my belief, "Setbacks are failures." She was facilitating my inquiry on the thought, when at one point she interjected, "Setbacks aren't failures. Setbacks are setbacks!"

In The Work of Byron Katie, we call that "taking the client out of inquiry." She said that to get me off of the "yeah, but I'm a failure and I have proof" trip I was on at the time. I appreciated her input; I was stuck and needed that little swat upside the head.

Later, when I'd gained some perspective on my issues, it occurred to me that setbacks might not be setbacks either.

I looked up the definition of the word "setback." The main meaning is the one we all think of: something that thwarts, frustrates, hinders, impedes, or—worse case scenario—reverses or defeats.

I was also amused to learn that set-back is a term used in surveying. It means the interval by which a chain or tape exceeds the length of an area being measured.

So when "surveying" the field of my thoughts, I may discover that this hindrance or defeat I am experiencing isn't as big as I originally thought.

This is not to say we don't experience less-than-optimal situations and respond to them emotionally; it would be ridiculous at best simply to stand back and smile in such instances, and we've all been through them...whether a job is lost, the computer crashes and the project data is gone, a major client goes elsewhere, the car is totaled, we get sick, there's a death in the family, the house loses its value when we need to sell, or the dream of "soulmates forever" turns into a rude awakening when a partner leaves. From the individual's perspective, these are all "acts of God" every bit as much as an earthquake or a tsunami, and we may not feel up to, or happy about, the task of rebuilding our lives after such an event.

When we're not getting what we wanted, planned for, or expected as our due, we call it a setback, meaning we're off course, we have to start over, all our good work was for nothing, the good times are over, and it's going to be hard if not impossible to get some semblance of control and satisfaction back.

What if we had no reference for "setbacks"?

Here's my Work:

"Setbacks are setbacks."

Is that true? Yes.

Can I absolutely know that it's true? No. (Where the "no" came from: specific examples from my life where I made lemonade from lemons, gained renewed energy from my experiences put towards beneficial new directions, or was spared from what I thought I wanted. I could also draw from inspiring stories I have heard about others whose losses or tragedies resulted in better outcomes than they could have imagined.)

How do I react when I believe the thought, "Setbacks are setbacks"? (Short version)
I'm tired, low-energy; I retire to the fainting couch. I doubt myself and my abilities. I whine. I procrastinate. I make excuses. I "yeahbut." I don't ask for help. I bat away helpful suggestions. I don't feel or accept support—"It's hopeless, can't you see?" I isolate. I feel shame. I ruminate about the event that I call a setback, have 20-20 hindsight, I beat myself. I resent others, and reality. I pity myself; I seek pity. I see myself as unlucky. I don't want to try anymore. I fear more loss. I waste time on the internet, or shopping, or napping, or dithering. I go to the comfort foods. I imagine worse-case scenarios for the future, and the resulting fear keeps me from trying anything new or getting back up on the horse. I get overwhelmed.

Who would I be without the thought, "Setbacks are setbacks"?
I would take stock of what's still working and be appreciative. I'd inventory my resources and use them. I'd reach out to people for help, collaboration, feedback. I'd look forward to fresh starts. I'd do research. I'd take better care of myself—exercise, take a vacation, take a bubble bath—the better to regroup. I'd chunk down my tasks and do one at a time. I'd keep in mind that that there is much support and love in my life. I'd stop living in the past. I'd trust that I'm where I'm supposed to be, and notice that I'm fine in the moment. I'd be creative and pro-active. I wouldn't get mired in drama. I'd be more available to others, more of a giver as well as receiver. I'd share my gifts and acknowledge them to myself.

Turn the thought around:

"Setbacks are not setbacks." Examples: 1/ Taken at face value, losing boyfriend X was simply: "Man leaves relationship"...not everything I thought about what it meant for my future ("I'm old and he was my last chance at finding love." 2. Stock market "crashes" can be seen as stock market "corrections," indicating that it's time to rethink one's investments. 3. A death in the family need not be seen as the end of happiness, security, etc. but a natural occurence about which it's normal to grieve.

"Setbacks are opportunities" Examples: 1. Losing my job at X Corporation lead me to going into business for myself, earning up to six figures for a few years. Losing that business lead me to doing what I do now, work that I love. 2. In the wake of the 9-11 terror attack there was an opportunity for many New Yorkers like myself to take stock of our lives, count our blessings, start afresh, be available to those in need, be grateful for our lives as they were. 3. The decline in my health afforded me time at home to do things I haven't made time for in years, including writing, painting and reading books.

"My thoughts are setbacks." Stressful beliefs keep me from seeing what's available, what's possible and what's good.

©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Another Way to Look at Addictions

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 19:18:00 +0000

It's "Addictions Week" at Clear Life Solutions. Which doesn't surprise me; in the course of any few days, often I detect themes running through my clients' work as well as my own.

In the course of her work this morning, a client brilliantly observed that her mechanism of avoidance of situations that might trigger an uncomfortable claustrophobic or fight-or-flight response was an addiction...since avoidance is something that ultimately isn't good for her, but that she does repeatedly, in order not to experience pain.

Another client yesterday dealt with reasons for drinking more alcohol than she wants to at parties. For her, it has to do with not wanting to feel bored or inadequate in social situations...not with the desire for another taste sensation or a high.

Still another client is addicted to unsatisfying relationships; unable or unwilling to give herself the love, approval and appreciation she feels she desperately needs, she compulsively seeks it from others who don't, won't and can't ever provide her with enough of what she wants.

I recently re-read the "big book" of Alcoholics Anonymous in order to better understand tendencies—my own and those of the people with whom I work—towards addictive and compulsive behaviors. Interestingly none of the stories shared in the book are about loving alcohol; many even claimed to dislike the taste of it. Rather, the desire behind their addictions wasn't for the substance or behavior itself, but to avoid pain.

I have come to see that all addictions, in my experience, are about avoiding pain, and in the end, they don't work even in the moment because there is always a desire for more. If "apply chocolate/sex/alcohol/shopping/marijuana/video games/cigarettes liberally until self-realization occurs" worked, we'd all do that for a short time and then we'd be all better.

Clearly addictions are not the best medicine for us. That's why we call them addictions; not cures.

The only lasting "cure" I know is to investigate root cause; what thoughts make us hurt ourselves over and again? And how much longer do we want to let that take over? Once we meet addiction with understanding, what we are left with is a set of uncomfortable sensations that are never what we say they are. And then we are free to deal with them sanely.

©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Watch Your Cartoons

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 06:28:00 +0000

A man I’ll call Brad was my nemesis while we worked on a creative project together. He seemed to embody most of my old, stressful “men” stories; a physically imposing, self-important, bossy blowhard used to getting his way. I’d done some inquiry on Brad, but I hadn’t seen a meaningful shift in my feelings about him or in the way I acted around him. I’d slapped a label on him that, while it didn’t accurately list all of his ingredients, was very sticky and difficult to remove.

Truth be told, I didn’t want to let Brad off the hook! But in not doing so, I was keeping myself on the hook. This was especially painful because I really like Brad. He’s a talented, funny, and ultimately very caring person. Still, as I traveled to our meeting place, sometimes I would anticipate conflict and irritate myself in advance, in his name.

One day while doing my inquiry, I realized I was not interacting with Brad, but with a cartoon character of Brad; someone who was always infuriating, never open to others’ ideas. I also saw that if someone else were doing and saying the same things Brad did—someone whose portrait I painted with loving brushstrokes and delicate features instead of outsized characteristics—I might find it amusing, attractive or endearing. (You know how some people are allowed to talk to you through the bathroom door, but when others do, it’s gross? Or how, when your friends walk down the streets singing with their children, it’s funny and sweet, but when you were 10 years old and your parents did it, you wanted to run away and hide?)

I discovered that when I reduced Brad to a cartoon character, I became one as well. Mine looked rather like the little boy in the “Calvin and Hobbes” comic strip, who turns dark and smoldering when he doesn’t get his way, and acts out revenge fantasies on snowmen he builds that resemble his father.

So if Brad is not who I say he is, who is he? Perhaps, rather than a testosterone-soaked bully, he’s a strong person with strong opinions. That isn’t a problem unless I say it is. And I did say so because I saw myself as weak and ineffectual around him…which, as anyone who knows me even a little bit can tell you, is an insane assessment. When I understood this, I was free to see and treat Brad as masterful and proactive—qualities I admire—as opposed to “pushy and full of himself.” He ceased to be a thorn in my side and became a friend and collaborator.

When doing your inquiry—particularly question 3 of The Work, “How do you react when you believe this thought?”—notice how, as you attach to your stressful thoughts, you draw this person with bold strokes and outsized features to prove your point. Are your kids little hurricanes leaving your belongings broken and in disarray, seemingly taking over the entire house? Is your wife, as she’s hunkered over her laptop doing research, really an ice princess, cold and uncaring, who holds the reins of the relationship and never really loved you? What if, while dealing with your parents’ estate, you did not see your brother as the conniving monster who filched your allowance when you were children? Might you be able to communicate with him adult-to-adult today?

Conversely, watch how you, too become a cartoon character when you believe your thoughts about the cartoons. You are the woman whose kids will be the death of you; who does that woman appear to be in that moment? Powerless and harried, or enraged and shouting threats? You are the man whose wife isn’t interested in you. Do you sigh loudly in her presence, rustle the newspaper, slump your shoulders, soothe yourself with whatever’s in the fridge? You’re the trampled baby sister. Are you an ineffectual, broken-down victim, or a snarky little brat? Do you lash out like a wild beast at your cartoon compatriots, or run away like a 90-pound weakling?

When you’re doing The Work on the one you complain about the most…the one who can be counted on to disappoint you…the one who, no matter how prepared you think you are, never fails to trip you up…you can ask yourself, “What if this person isn’t who I say they are?” How would you treat them differently, show up differently with and for them, if you were dealing with a real person and not an exaggerated drawing of the sum total of your criticisms? Watch those crazy characters you’ve created; sit down with a worksheet and enjoy the show.

©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Need a Relation-shift? Do Inquiry With Your Partner

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 22:02:00 +0000

Many couples have discovered the clarity and healing that can occur when doing inquiry together on relationship issues. Inquiry with a partner consists of writing down your stressful thoughts about each other, and facilitating each other on your judgments. It's a powerful practice...and it can feel unsafe to be in the vulnerable position either of sharing these resentments or hearing them. It's tempting to interrupt, defend and justify. Hurt feels may occur, or it may feel as if you've both vented but not gotten anywhere.

Doing partner work with a facilitator can support you in the process until you and your partner are ready to work with each other on your own. Friends of mine, a married couple, who recently completed several months of once-weekly sessions of The Work of Byron Katie with me as their facilitator, experienced this and have kindly allowed me to share their realizations with you.

During our 1-1/2 hour weekly (and later biweekly) meetings, S. and R. shared with each other their stressful beliefs about each other and about their relationship. I facilitated inquiry with each of them in turn; each witnessed the other's process in silence. When there was the impulse to justify or defend, I was there to redirect the energy towards inquiry. There was time at the end of each sessions for sharing, clarification and feedback.

At the end of our last session, they summed up their experience.

R: I've had so many "shoulds" about S. that are not there anymore. Little things about her—for instance, her not being organized—that used to bother me a lot now bug me a whole lot less, because I know I have options and possibilities other than staying irritated. And it does seem that S. has become more organized.

S: Since he doesn't get angry as often, I don't feel so bogged down and I am more productive.

R: Before we did this work together, I didn't realize how destructive I was in the relationship, how I was the instigator in almost all cases when she was very upset with me. Since discovering this, we have fewer arguments and when we do have differences, we're able to work things out a lot faster.

S: R. no longer throws up a road block to what I want, and so I have become totally present to what needs to be done. For instance, he's supposed to clean the cat's litter box. If too much time passes and he doesn't do it, and I want it done, I do it myself. In the past I would have said, "Let him do it, that's his job."

Also, during this work, I've brought out a lot of painful issues with the intent to heal them. I was afraid that by being so honest I was hurting R. But in the process I have seen the good in him, his big heart, how supportive and generous he has always been. He has a lot of qualities that I love and always have, but when I was angry, those were on the back burner. Before we did this work, I never told R. to his face what I love about him.

R: I wasn't hurt; I was glad she was able to get her resentments out instead of sitting on them.

S: Another thing that has come out of these sessions is that I stand up for what I want.

R: Doing The Work together, we had a breakthrough about redoing our guest room. We realized that when I behave in a certain way, her reactivity makes things even worse.

S. When he gets controlling, I feel cornered and I fight him. He did The Work on me, shared it with me, and I saw how I make it worse. Now instead of acting out, I can just tell him, "R., calm down!" That's what we agreed I would do.

R: In short, we have a much better relationship. We're much more peaceful, less stressed...

S: We have more harmony in our lives. Before, I felt I had to fight for everything, that he would always tell me no. Now I don't fight, and he says yes! And if he says no, we can talk about it and work things out. There is space for that now. We are healthy plants growing in good soil.

Over the weeks, I noticed how both R. and S. would increasingly catch themselves in the middle of a "yeahbut," get themselves back on track without my prompting, and take the opportunity to do their own work on the underlying beliefs I wrote down for them during their sessions. Now R. and S. are more motivated to inquire into their resentments as needed, either on their own or together as a couple, facilitating each other or hearing each other's work.

If you are experiencing challenges in your relationship and are each willing to question your beliefs, couples sessions are a great way to open communication, find and question the source of your difficulties, deepen intimacy, and solve your problems together.

If you would like to explore the possibilities of doing "relation-shift" work, I invite you and your partner to contact me at carol (at) clearlifesolutions.com to arrange for your complimentary needs assessment.

©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

The Economy Is Bad; Is That True?

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 22:50:00 +0000

My client called me the other night with a remarkable Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on the economy. I, too, like to do The Work on institutions—things (society, my body, my job, the weather, war, New York) as opposed to sentient beings (my upstairs neighbor, the governor of California, my father, the cat). We react to all outside sources that aren't doing what we want in the same way we react to people who aren't doing what we want. The outcome of doing this inner work is also the same: we get a printout of our current thinking, and a roadmap to alternate routes.

An economic recession lasts as long as it does; my stressful thinking about recession may last forever if I don't meet it with understanding. My thinking—not the unemployment statistics or the California state budget deficit—is what kicks me out of paradise. Jobs come and go; our thinking goes right after them. Markets fluctuate; our minds fluctuate right along with them. We watch our stocks rise; our happiness rises with them, temporarily. We watch them go down, and down we go. The experts say the future is bleak, and we believe them. Yesterday, an article in the New York Times said there will be employment growth this spring. Now I have a bad economy, but I have hope. And none of it means anything; it's all in my head.

No one can accurately predict what's going to happen in any given economy, in part because we simply don't have all the information, and in larger part because we are not in control of all of the factors. You can follow your broker's advice, or your brother's...take a second job...cut back on luxuries, or on what you used to consider necessities...sell your house now...sell your house later...file for bankruptcy...raise your fees...lower your fees...and there are no guarantees.

But what you can do, with an excellent return, is question your stressful beliefs about what is happening in the economy, in your working life, and in your life in general. "Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it," says Byron Katie. My client discovered this when he examined thoughts about losing his job and being unable to pay rent, when in fact he has a job and had just closed some deals.

What is the worst that could happen if you lost everything? If you question your fears, you may come to see that the worst that could happen is already happening, in your mind...and, as you may have noticed, body follows mind. If I think, "What's the use?" I won't market my services. If I live in the future of lack, I'm already lacking and failing to notice I have everything I need in this moment.

Not long after the dot-com bust 10 years ago, I watched the financial expert Suze Orman help a woman who had lost nearly everything to strategize about her future. Because of bad advice, the woman had cashed in her pension when she lost her job, instead of rolling it over into an IRA. Now she had no job, and her net worth went from five digits to just $900. Orman told her, "Don't look at what you had; look at what you have. $900 is a lot of money; what can you do with it now?" I don't know about the woman on TV, but I know that advice was for me: don't look at what you had; look at what you have. When I'm in my "stuff," I forget about what's available here, now.

What is the best that could happen if you lost everything? You could get a fresh start, as a couple of friends of mine did when they walked away from their mortgages. You could find a whole new career and discover skills you didn't know you had; that's exciting. (It's happened to me several times in my 53 years, and I seem to be okay.) You get to bust your old paradigms and test new, more fun ones that might work better than the "tried and true" which turned out to be not so true. You get to see what you are really made of, put your creativity and smarts to the test. You even get to let people help you! As you continue to inquire, your mind opens and you see that there are infinite possibilities in what I like to call "a parallel universe of peace."

The root word of recession is "recess." Remember how we loved recess at school? What would keep us from loving it now?

The economy is bad...who would you be in this economy without that thought?

©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

The Nightmare Ends

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 04:43:00 +0000

My client J. gave me permission to share this with you. She writes:

"Here's a dream I had in December which I attribute directly to The Work and being free to love and be kind. It is a friendly universe.

"I'm in my kitchen...there are several people around both in the kitchen and the living room. A car drives up and three local guys get out. I go towards the door to meet them, open the door, and one guy sticks what I assume is a knife into my abdomen. I say, 'Are you going to rob me?' and he says yes.

"I am so happy. I tell him I am delighted that he is going to rob me and I look around for money in the kitchen. I find some and give it to him happily. Then I say I have more in my purse in the living room and we go in there. [My husband] is sitting there with others, watching us.

"I find my purse, get my wallet and go to where I keep big bills. I pull out all the $50s I have and hand them to him He puts down the knife at that point—it turns out to be tweezers—and I put them in my pocket. He has a tear running down his cheek and he asks me why I'm doing this. I tell him it's because I love him...and I sincerely do love him. He says he loves me too, turns and leaves.

"At the kitchen window are three other young locals asking me if I have a dog. I say, 'Yes and she'll bark but she won't bite, so don't worry.' They all leave.

"I go somewhere and see D. who says, 'You'd better rest after that horrible ordeal.' I say that it wasn't a horrible ordeal and I certainly don't need to rest."

Thank you, J. for doing your work, living your truth and sharing your heart with us.

©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

A Brief Video About What I Do

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 02:33:00 +0000

Clarity Through Inquiry

Turning Around B.S.

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 00:19:00 +0000

In recent months I seem to have developed an extreme intolerance to b.s. In particular, I get uncomfortable around absolutist statements regarding teachings that don't work for me (so I may not be the best person to talk to about Satan, contacting your angel guides, or the wit and wisdom of Sarah Palin)...or those that trigger "cult" memories (such as the words "impure" and "negativity," terms used to keep us devotees in line at the ashram), or stuff from my own mentors that seems downright incorrect in my experience (just because you-know-who says "All sadness is a minor tantrum" doesn't make it true)...and, last but not least, by my own attempts to b.s. others by hiding behind insincerity, spiritual talk, quotable quotes and smiley chat icons like this one :).

I think it's fine to notice b.s., and it's more than fine to endeavor to keep my own tendencies to b.s. in check. What doesn't feel fine is my reactivity to b.s., or, more accurately, what I label as "b.s." I haven't spent all this time in inquiry for nothing: my objections do not make me happy. I don't really enjoy being the Geraldo Rivera of horse hockey, exposing it with derision or horror while offering nothing better in return. Even if I do have something else to offer, I'd rather do it without vilifying that with which I don't agree.

So here's an experiment I am trying and invite you to it if you like it:

1) Rather than cry "B.S!" I would like to be able to 1) politely disagree and 2) offer kind alternatives. I say "alternatives" as opposed to "substitutes," as perhaps the original needs no substitute. We're all entitled to espouse what works for us. I can choose and offer my own alternatives without making the your alternative wrong.

Example: A single friend sent me an email about how women can cultivate successful romantic relationships with men. It had a line that was right out of that old book, The Rules (the one that advises women to play hard to get, not be so available, and not to do things for men). I had a strong reaction to it and resisted the urge to write back to my friend that this was the "old way" and manipulative, that there was nothing in this email about real relationship. Instead, I didn't respond, writing it off as b.s. Now that I look back, I could have had a conversation with my friend, asked her why she felt this email contained good advice, shared my heart and my experience, heard from her why this doesn't work for her. Instead of the rift between us that I created in my head, maybe we both would have learned something.

2) Rather than simply call myself on my own b.s., I would like to be aware of the motives behind it. What would I have to believe in order to say anything that is less than 100% genuine? What am I trying to protect, project or avoid? What is the worst that could happen if I were truthful instead? Voila, here is my work to take to inquiry.

Example: I write on a Facebook friend's wall post, "I don't get this at all. :)." What's the :) about? "You can hurt me, if I disagree with you, you won't like me, I need to placate people, it's not okay to disagree." All good beliefs to bring to inquiry.

3) "This is b.s.; is that true?" When I cry b.s., it is probably because I feel challenged, threatened or offended. In short, I am afraid. Can I find any truth in what I am so quick to label as b.s.?

For instance: "If you do not see the perfection of this spiritual path, it is your own impurities keeping you from the truth. You should pray for the grace to develop good qualities and turn away from negativity." This is the kind of thing that puts fur on my teeth. Why? Not merely because I don't believe it—there are plenty of things I don't believe in that don't bother me—but because for many years, I used such teachings as a stick with which to beat myself. "I'm impure! I'm negative! Negativity is bad! I am keeping myself from the truth, and that means I will never be okay!" I didn't have inquiry in those days.

Today, with better tools in hand, I don't need to put the stick in my other hand and beat the teachers or teachings. Instead, I can ask myself, "I am impure; is that true?" and "They manipulated me with these teachings; is that true?"

A closer look reveals this: if I react to these words through the filter of my prejudices, I have to call them b.s. in order to be right and feel safe. If the prejudices aren't there, I see that there is some truth here; I don't see the perfection of this spiritual path when I don't see that it is fine for it to exist, and that doesn't mean I have to partake of it. My impurities—in the form of fear, which leads to defensiveness—keep me from the truth (that this path, whether or not I choose to follow it, is perfect in that it exists in a world that is perfect until I say it isn't). If I prayed, I would pray for the grace of an open mind, which is my way of developing good qualities of equanimity and clarity in the face of what is. An open mind can have preferences without naysaying; and that is the end of negativity.

Who would have believed it? B.s. is here for our freedom!

©2011 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Merries and Happies

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 00:29:00 +0000

To my friends, clients and colleagues around the world...

I'm a big fan of fresh starts. I've always loved "back to school," "first day of Spring," and ringing in the New Year with the best of intentions.

Of course we need not wait until a certain date to make fresh starts. But if New Year's is your traditional resolution time, it's as good a time as any to set things into motion in a positive way.

I for one intend (I don't make resolutions, which I tend to break) to do what it takes to let the good things in my life grow, by reaching out, saying yes, moving in directions that feel good and true for me, facing my fears, cleaning up my messes, and dealing with my resentments. Not because I "should" do these things, but because I love how I feel when I do.

This year, I say "yes!" to is working directly with more people like you, who value the work of inquiry. I say "yes!" to more powerful collaborations with other coaches and practitioners and to more public speaking. "Yes!" to helping more couples overcome obstacles in their relationships and having more loving partnerships. "Yes!" to journeying with individuals who are ready to make big changes and would like support. "Yes!" to working with visionary leaders who know that a conscious and communicative workforce is a profitable workforce. Together, we are a force of nature who can make things happen!

In addition, I am committed to making my services available to more people who want to work with me on an ongoing basis but have limited means. Currently, through the end of 2011, I am offering prepaid 12-session packages to subscribers to my newsletter at a much rate lower than the one published on my website. Other arrangements are available for nonprofit groups and unemployed or underemployed individuals. (If you fit this description, please contact me through my website for more information.)

I am also committed to giving back. Throughout 2011, I will donate $10 of any contracted fee of $900 or more to one of several charities and foundations that I currently support: Partners In Health, Groundworks Opportunities, World Wildlife Fund, or the Institute for The Work.

I see this New Year as one where we can shake off whatever has been holding us back and move towards our own greatness...where the stories of the past do not prevent us from peace, prosperity, health and happiness in the here and now...where we can handle whatever comes with clarity and a strong center, and where we support each other in mutual service. Will you join me?

Got Gratitude? If Not, Try This

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 00:49:00 +0000

2010 has been a difficult year for many of us, the world over. I have friends who have been successful and productive for most of their lives who are now unemployed or underemployed, have lost their homes or are in foreclosure, who have become clients of food pantries, and who have had health crises they can't afford to address.

Not everyone has a supportive family, a spouse or friends to help. Some of us who do may feel they don't do enough for us. We look to our politicians; what have they done for us lately? Where's our economic recovery?

And we're supposed to be thankful now?

Well...it might be a little easier to cope with the hardships if we could muster up some gratitude for what we have.

I don't suggest we go all Pollyanna and say we are glad to be living in a friend's basement when in fact we are not glad about that...or grateful to have at least one good hip when the other one's disintegrating and hurting like hell. No government worker I know here in Santa Cruz is glad about the furlough days that cut into their salaries.

So I suggest we take a look at the people, institutions and bodies that have done us wrong in this past year, and ask ourselves...

1. What have I received from this person, place, institution or body? Maybe not today, maybe not this week, this month or this year. What about in this lifetime? Make a list and be specific; don't negate any of what you have received, no matter how small or insignificant you rate it. Example: "My husband walks the dog sometimes." "My body wakes up every morning." "My mother read to me when I was little." "The pantry gave me government-issue cheese and canned beans for six months."

2. What have I done for this person, place, institution or body lately? Put it in writing. Notice how it feels to read your list. Does it feel like "enough" for you? Did you do these things out of obligation, with generosity, with a motive to get something in return, because you were afraid not to?

3. Is there something I am not acknowledging or appreciating about what this person, place, institution or body has given or done for me? Am I seeing it as "not enough," "too little, too late," "they owed it to me," or a "yeahbut"? What would it be like to drop the qualifiers?

4. Is there anything I want to say or do for the person, place, institution or body, now that I have looked at my thinking? Am I grateful to them? Do I want to make amends? How can I express my gratitude, or be of service, in a way that would feel comfortable, true and non-manipulative?

©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Is There Such A Thing as Energy Transmission?

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 11:52:00 +0000

Does this do anything for you?

I've watched it twice and I didn't feel a thing. That doesn't mean Eckhart's work is ineffective. It just means that one woman's "transmission" is another woman's lack thereof. I'm certainly open to feeling something...but then, I had no expectations before watching this that I would. While I like Eckhart Tolle's writings and resonate with a lot of what he says, I don't have a story about his having special abilities. Maybe if I believed he could wake me up, I would have woken up watching this, but that would have had nothing to do with him. The thought, "Here's an enlightened one, and s/he's going to awaken me," could result in something that feels good. And if the good feelings don't last...what would I have that I didn't have before? What did I lose? What happened to my story of energy transmission?

Similarly, if I feel terrible when I'm around someone I have labeled in a negative way, it's still just a story. I may not like the person or I may feel uncomfortable around them, but no one can make me feel one way or another. I am reacting to an image, an idea. (This doesn't mean I'm going to lock myself in a room with an armed and dangerous serial killer!)

Teachers are great for pointing the way to the heart, but ultimately it's our own hearts we get in touch with in their name. That's why a particular teacher works for some folks and not for others. It's also why it's not necessary to negate all the goodness we have experienced in relationship to a teacher (or to any human being) if the relationship ends in disappointment, or has run its course.

Unless we're talking about fixing a car, I don't find this emphasis on "transmission" to be helpful; I find it creates someone higher and someone lower.

I prefer to know that I can "enlighten" myself in any given moment by being present with what is happening now (for example, through inquiry). Then there is no dependency on anything or anyone outside myself; and everyone is equally blessed with the power of transmission.

©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Ask A Facilitator: Won't I Be a Doormat?

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 19:37:00 +0000

Q: If I answer Question 4, "Who would I be without that thought?" it's just speculation. In reality, I'd be an idiot without my thoughts, ignoring the facts and with no protection. Can't I just skip to the turnarounds?

A: Yes it's speculative; question 4 of The Work of Byron Katie is meant to open the mind to possibilities other than the one we've been believing. It's not about ignoring facts, or even about changing from one thought to another.

In my experience, without the "education" of my answers to the four questions, the turnarounds can leave me feeling incomplete. It's too easy for me to go to default, making my turnarounds into affirmations (which tend not to work for me) or sticks with which to beat myself (which, though habitual, really really really don't work for me).

I'm not the most "positive" person on earth, as my readers and friends may have noticed. I doubt, I distrust, I fear something bad will happen if I'm not vigilant. So for me, question 4 is a stretch, and it's meant to be. I, too, want to say, "I'd be a fool, I'd be a patsy, I'd be a doormat."

When the mind comes up with those quick answers, I have learned to be patient, to say, "That could be; and is there anything else? What if this stressful thought did not run my life? How would I show up, facts in hand, without living out of this belief and all the repercussions of doing so that I have seen in Question 3?"

That allows me to see myself in any situation as loving, present, self-posessed. And then I can at believe my "positive" turnarounds without myself to task over the "negative" ones.

Example:

Let's say I have done The Work on "He verbally abused me." Let's say my answer to questions 1 and 2 are "Yes, it is true. I can absolutely know that it's true." (I don't have to get cosmic and say, "Oh, he called me names and said things that I experienced as shaming and blaming, but that was only my interpretation." If I'm doing The Work on this when the issue is still "hot," I'm not in that space; I would never tell anyone else that they had brought their abuse on themselves.)

So, briefly, when I live out of the belief (which is different, for me, than believing it: you can acknowledge that something happened and not base your every waking moment on it), I am seeing just one part of our relationship. I take the moments where he said and did this, this and this and that becomes the entire relationship, in my mind. I hate him, I see him as sadistic, I blame him for my unhappiness, I worry that he's right; my self-esteem plummets. I overeat to ease the pain. I complain about him to others. I fight back with my own sharp tongue, an eye for an eye. I manipulate him with my body. I project a loveless future for myself. I want him to suffer. I want him to understand that he damaged me. I am damaged goods.

Who would I be without this thought? (Here's where the voice kicks in that says I'd be Cleopatra the Queen of Denial, an idiot, a battered woman who is victimized by the big bad man, etc.) I would see that ending the relationship equals sanity and I need not do it with drama and recrimination. I would see him as doing the best he can when he is obviously in pain, and this does not mean I stay with him. I would notice that I still care for him and am still attracted to him, and this does not mean that I stay with him. I notice that I care about myself enough to stop hurting myself in his name. I don't make all men out to be abusers. I cherish the wonderful connection we had and don't diminish that.

Now I can experience my turnarounds (He did not verbally abuse me. I verbally abused myself. I verbally abused him. He verbally nurtured me) with clarity. They are all true to varying degrees, and I was not wrong to believe my original statement; I'm not insane.

©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved. The Work of Byron Katie, ©Byron Katie International, used with permission.

In the Name of The Work, How Do I Abandon The Work?

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 21:45:00 +0000

Byron Katie has said, "If I think you need The Work, I need The Work."

I'll take it one step further: outside of a mutually agreed-upon, facilitator-client relationship, in the moment I invite you to question your thoughts, I have left The Work; it has become something else entirely.

What do I mean by this? Discuss.

Forgiveness

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 19:41:00 +0000

As the Jewish New Year approaches—a time for self-reflection, forgiveness and making amends—I wanted to share with you a poem/prayer by Meredith Cahn that I received in my email today. It touched my heart and I would take it one step further: "Let me not bear guilt on my own account." Let there be no guilt, only atonement/at-one-ment!

Its arrival is most timely, as I have been thinking about some worksheets I have somehow escaped dealing with (nine of them at last count!!!)...so that I may begin again with a clean slate and a light heart.

Whatever your spiritual beliefs or lack thereof...may all be inscribed in the Book of Life for a joyous new year/new you!

For more about these holidays in light of self-inquiry, please see my series of articles "Days of Awe" posted here at the Soul Surgery blog in 2007, beginning with this one.

Love,
Carol

Ribono shel Olam,

I stand before You

and before my community

Pardoning,

Forgiving.

Seeking at least to be open and forgiving

To all those who have hurt or angered me,

Be this hurt of body or soul,

Of honor or property,

Whether the other was forced to hurt me

Or did so willingly;

Whether it was by accident or intent;

Whether I was hurt by word or by deed;

Whether this wound is a new one

Or one that still festers from some earlier world of mine--

I forgive because we are both human.

May no person bear guilt on my account.

—Meredith Cahn

Focus on Facilitation: Adapting Inquiry to Alternative Learning Styles

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 19:36:00 +0000

The theory of multiple intelligences may be useful for facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie.

I have often used metaphors with my clients as a way of explaining how The Work works, but until last week, I never danced around the room!

Many of us are kinesthetic, musical or spatial learners; I know I am to an extent. I don't always understand abstract concepts right away, but if I can employ different senses and parts of my brain, find a tune to fit something I need to memorize, visual something concrete, I learn more quickly. As an educator, I was taught to use media and movement with my students as a way of helping them learn using different parts of the brain; for instance, getting some of my high school students to appreciate Robert Frost's poetry in print wasn't a happening thing, but they enjoyed listening to a recording of him reading "The Road Not Taken" (they were amused by his quavering voice and old-fashioned New England accent), which opened them to discussing the author's technique and intent. Similarly, when I was teaching elementary-school age English as a Second Language students, we sang songs in English which included lots of repetition; some kids who were not able to or interested in learning English in traditional ways soon were speaking in full sentences!

I have a client who, after several sessions, continued to have difficulty with question 3 of The Work, "Who would you be without this thought?" She gave me a clue about how to proceed by saying, "I have a hard time stepping out of the situation." I said, "So let's step out of it." Standing straight in front of her, I said, "Let's take a hypothetical situation. Say one day I left the house, went to work, and I was held up at gunpoint by a Croatian man in a warehouse, and now I can't go into warehouses, or be around men, or Croats, or hear Serbo-Croation being spoken, without getting panic attacks. My thought it, 'I'm too sick to work." (My apologies to men, Croats, and warehouses; nothing personal.) Because of her particular situation, which had nothing to do with being held up at gunpoint or men or Croatians, or warehouses, she actually related to the example.

I stepped to the left. "Prior to that incident, and that thought, I went to work each day, and had interactions with all kinds of people, and entered all kinds of buildings, without fear." She got that. I stepped back into the center.

"How do I react when I believe the thought, I'm too sick to work'? I tell a story about what happened, after the fact." I step to the right, facing the center. "I remember what happened over there, and from over here, my body tenses up, I feel faint. I break out into a cold sweat around men. I can't go into the basement at home; it looks too much like the warehouse. I'm sure that if I leave the house, it will happen again. My mind travels to someone pulling a gun on me and I die painfully." I go on like this for a bit more.

"Who would I be without this thought?" I move back to the center and take a step backwards." "Now I am taking myself out of the situation and looking at it, as it really happened, as if watching a movie, but without my spin on it. I see a man holding a woman at gunpoint and then letting me go. I, the woman, am okay, not dead yet. I notice I was always okay; he never hurt me.

"Now I need to use my imagination a little. Who would I be right now without this thought, applying for a job? I would go to the office building; I would fill out the application; I would be present, empowered and excited."

Click! Now my client sees that The Work is a way of observing the mechanisms of the mind; she doesn't have to deny what happened or even her experience of what happened; she gets to take on different vantage points and see if they can be equally valid. She has asked that we "somaticize" this portion of The Work this way from now on; and my guess is that we won't always need to, once she gets it "in the bones."

©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

"Dangerous" Turnarounds and the Power of "Sometimes"

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 19:49:00 +0000

Here are some dangerous thoughts; dangerous for us who believe them, because we may stake our very lives on them and create unnecessary stress, suffering and separation.

-I am right.

-My way is the right way.

-I know what's best for you.

When we do The Work on these thoughts we may come upon these turnarounds (among others):

-You are right. (Or) I am wrong.

-My way is the wrong way.

-You know what's best for me.

Notice if you are swapping one funky thought for another! These thoughts, while they could be as true or truer than the original statements, are equally dangerous if we make them into our new religion.

The purpose of inquiry is not to make yourself wrong and another right. It's not to make another into an all-knowing Messiah. Turnarounds need not be sticks with which we beat ourselves, and they're not meant to cancel out our beliefs.

It's important to keep a sense of balance when doing The Work, to remember that the purpose of inquiry is clarity, and the result of turnarounds is balance. One way to do that is to incorporate the word "sometimes" in your turnarounds.

Examine how things can be as true or truer "sometimes."

-(Sometimes) you are right. (Also) I am wrong, sometimes.
-My way is the wrong way, sometimes.
-(Sometimes) you know what's best for me.

When you add "sometimes" to your turnarounds, it may be easier to find specific, genuine (not automatic, not spiritual) examples. For example, "sometimes" you know what's best for me when you have more information than I do. (My chiropractor knows it's not good for me to do certain exercises because he knows the condition of my spine. You know what's best for me, sometimes, when you give me unasked for advice that I don't take because I'm standing on ceremony. Sometimes you know what's best for me when you tell me something I don't want to hear; it brings up all my stuff about you that I haven't brought to inquiry.)

Another way to work with tricky turnarounds: add phrases like "when you do." "If you do." "When I do." "When it is.) "If I do." "In this moment." Examples:

"My way is the wrong way (in this moment when I see myself as knowing what's best for you)."

"You know what's best for me (when you do, such as in when you defy me and I need that "medicine")."

©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Whose Identity Is This, Anyway?

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 21:47:00 +0000

The day after Santa Cruz Pride Weekend, I stopped to look at the colorful posters in the window of the Diversity Center, our local GBLT support organization, to see if there were any fun concerts or activities I might like to attend. I noticed a moment's hesitation when a woman came out of the center and gave me a cheerful hello. This really disturbed me. A part of me still felt I shouldn't be there.

There was a time in my life when I would have felt too uncomfortable to smile and say hi back to her, when the hesitation would not have been momentary but total. At that time I would never have stopped to read the posters in the window in case anyone I knew (or anyone I didn't know) might think I had a vested interest in gayness. Even though I lived in Greenwich Village for many years—the former heart of gay life in the city—and even though I had gay, bi and lesbian friends and attended Pride Weekend activities with them, I always made sure to wear my "Straight But Not Narrow" button, just in case anyone had any ideas. Since none of my straight friends ever went to watch the parade—they tended to avoid downtown altogether—I thought I was extremely open-minded; I had no idea how homophobic I was. Years later, when I became friendly with a trans-man, I had yet another entire set of misconceptions and fears to question and work through.

Now that I (mostly) know that others' sexuality and gender identification are none of my business, I continued to stand in front of the Diversity Center, read the posters, smile and say hi to the woman who came out of the center, and I thought, perhaps "my" gender and sexuality are none of my business either. They are not "mine."

No one can help loving someone else in the way that we do. (And why would we want to help it? It doesn't need our help!) No one does anything to come into this world with the genes and organs we have. How can I take credit for this? How can I even label myself one thing or another?

I understand the thinking behind Gay Pride; pride being the opposite of shame, it makes perfect sense to celebrate what society has long deemed shameful, and always with disastrous results. Of course, straight people can be ashamed of their sexuality as well. As a pre-teen, I was simply horrified by mine; my desire for boys seemed huge and overwhelming, totally wrong for someone my age to be carrying around. Then there was that O.A. meeting I attended once at the Gay and Lesbian center in Manhattan, where I felt I would be hanged at sundown if anyone knew a "breeder" had infiltrated their safe haven. It seems so funny now. Why didn't I celebrate those wonderful people—and myself—for gathering in support and fellowship?

It occurs to me that if I'm ashamed of my sexuality, just as if I am ashamed of my body, I'm confused. And also if I'm proud of it, I'm confused. Once again, I'm identifying with something that doesn't belong to me and, like everything else, is subject to change without notice.

©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

Focus on Facilitation: I Heart "Difficult" Clients!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Thu, 20 May 2010 20:35:00 +0000

Recently I worked with someone who yeahbutted, becaused, justified, defended, and told stories for the better part of three sessions. This isn't unusual and I handled it the way I usually do; I listened for awhile, then pointed out what was happening and led her back to the questions...which pissed her off. That's also not unusual; and that's okay with me, I'm not doing this job in order to make friends, and I make that clear with every "difficult" client I encounter, while making sure they are okay with getting back to the process of inquiry.

During the last of our three sessions, something sunk in, the client said said, that hadn't budged for her after years of therapy on the same issue she was trying to dodge as she worked on it with me. So she signed up for more sessions.

If every client were "easy," I would not have the privilege of witnessing how most everyone who opts to sit in the client "hot seat" thirsts for resolution and eventually finds it. Sometimes they don't, or they don't just yet; and that is business of mine. When the time is right, there is simply nothing we, as clients, can do about breaking through. When it's not time, there is simply nothing that we, as facilitators, can do about that either. There's no magic formula, there are no right words to say. That's why it's great to tap into our own difficult-ness, so we can meet them where they are, where we are. Have you ever been resistant, cranky, closed, convinced you're right? I sure have. Five minutes ago. Five minutes from now.

I was a difficult client amundo o-rama. Just ask Byron Katie; she fondly remembers me fighting with her, in my fiery red dress. Then she got to watch while my world melted away before our eyes, not a moment before it was supposed to. Too bad my two times in the chair with her and my time at my first school weren't recorded so you could all see how adorable I am when I'm insane. (Friends of mine know that I'm still difficult!) And how helpless I was as sanity slowly came to light.

Nobody needs The Work, not if they don't want it. And if a "difficult" client is sitting with me, I have to assume they want it. I'm not going to give up on them, try to change their minds, spout canned wisdom at them. I'm not going to pounce on them the second I hear them say the letter "b" (as in "but" and "because"). This isn't a game of "gotcha."

Instead, I'm going to hear them and let them hear themselves. (So many juicy core beliefs come to light when a client justifies, defends and gives backstory; why wouldn't we want that?) Then I'm going to give them whatever I have, which isn't much. That's what was given to me: not much; and of course, that "not much" was more than enough. That's why I'm still here to tell the tale.

In my experience, the "difficult" clients are working harder than anyone else I work with. They are scared to lose their stories; and yet, they want to. The story is half gone already and they are holding on to its remnants for dear life, knowing they are about to lose the old religion for good.

Maybe the bigger we are, the harder we fall.

I love my "difficult" clients! Yeah, I play favorites; because (oh no, justification!) they are me, they are my heart, they are my work. And "difficult" is a story I used to use to torture myself in their name.

I hope, for your sake, that you don't still believe in "difficult" clients.

©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

The Arrogance of Not Knowing

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Tue, 18 May 2010 22:45:00 +0000

At a certain point in your inquiry practice, you will undoubtedly come to recognize the arrogance behind the words "I know." However, the opposite stance can be just as arrogant: "I can't know anything! (And its mostly unspoken implication, "Therefore you can't know anything either.")

In this way, "I don't know" becomes as much of a religion as "I know." This is pure dogma and has little if anything to do with the process of inquiry or any real understanding that comes of it.

There can be great freedom in realizing that there isn't too much we can know for sure, particularly when it comes to stressful, limiting assumptions we have made all of our lives. It's when we want to impose I-Don't-Knowism on the rest of the world that it becomes yet another prison...and a very oppressive one at that.

Proselytizers from The Holy Church of I-Don't-Know may come across in the following ways—but only for our highest good, of course. Is this you? (It's been me at times, for sure!):

1. Facilitating others when they haven't asked for it.

Human Being with Human Reactions: I have a headache.

Devotee of I-Don't-Knowism: Is that true?

Human Being: Yes, it's true. My head is pounding. I shouldn't have had beer and pizza last night.

Devotee: Oh really? "You shouldn't have had beer and pizza." I would soooo question that. Does that belief bring peace or stress into your life?

2. Nondual One-upmanship.

Human Being: Wow, I just heard on the news that 108,000,000 people died in Squatslavia today when a 12.0 earthquake, a tsunami, and wildfires demolished the entire country.

Devotee: I don't see a problem. Could it be that this is for their highest good? I can't know what's best for the Squatslavians. Or for the world. Or even for myself. How do I know the world is supposed to self-destruct? It's self-destructing; that's reality.

3. Being non-committal in the name of enlightenment.

Human Being: Will you marry me?

Devotee: In this moment it's a "yes," and "mind" might change itself. I love you with all my heart, and I can't know how I'm going to feel five minutes from now, and either way, it's not personal. So it would be out of my integrity to say yes. Or no.

Human Being: Well, I don't know what to do now. Do we make plans for our wedding, or what?

Devotee: (Insert favorite Ramana Maharshi-ish or Nisargadatta-esque "we are not the doers" statement here.)

If you think I am exaggerating, you haven't hung out on social media recently. Sometimes people are sort-of kidding (you can tell if they put a little smiley face next to what they wrote) but often this is in all seriousness. Not surprisingly, the "conversion" rate is not terrifically high and no wonder; there's no meeting people where they are in this kind of "communication."

At the end of her workshops, Byron Katie often says, "Want to alienate your friends and family? Talk to them like this: [Putting on an obnoxious voice:] 'Is that truuuue? Turn it aroooouuuund!'"

This always gets a big laugh, Then darned if many of us don't go home and do it! (Been there, done that, and I apologize! Ugh!!!)

In contrast, those who live out of their realizations and don't teach/preach frequently are asked by those who knew them "when," "You seem terrific, what are you doing these days? Did you fall in love or something?"

If you can answer that with a simple "yes" or "no," then sign me up.

©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.

One Honest Human Being

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Sun, 09 May 2010 23:08:00 +0000

Helping Others While Helping Yourself

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 19:11:00 +0000

Ironically, some the very things we have come to view as expensive luxuries are the ones that help us to take good care of ourselves.

Like many friends and colleagues all over the world, I have been feeling the pinch of the economy in recent years. So it feels funny to expect everyone to find a way to pay my old fee structure, set during more prosperous times, when I myself can't regularly afford many of the things that help me to prosper and grow in my life, whether it's a workshop, a massage, coaching sessions or even health care.

Believe it or not, marketing gurus to the self-employed advise raising fees in a recession! I've never grokked the logic of this advice and it has never sat well with me; it dismisses the experience of the people I most desire to serve, who don't need one more stressor, like higher prices, on their plates.

If you've wanted to do ongoing inquiry with a facilitator but simply could not justify the expense, you'll be happy to hear about my new (and unpublished on my website) Transformational Inquiry Prosperity Package, available now through the end of 2010 only to my friends, clients and subscribers: 10 pre-paid one-hour sessions of The Work for $750. That's only $150 more than the already discounted six-session package advertised at ClearLifeSolutions.com...and, at just $75 per session, it's my lowest publicly offered fee in eight years.

In addition, I will donate $10 of each package fee either to Partners In Health--the relief organization that has been active in Haiti for 20 years and has the infrastructure in place to help victims of the earthquake--or Groundworks Opportunities, which has been instrumental in helping Rwandans come to grips with the past and rebuild their lives, from building houses to learning The Work. You choose which group you'd like to see prosper from your Work. (If you prefer that the donation go to a local charity, I can arrange that as well.)

To enroll in the Prosperity Package (I can't bring myself to call it a recession special!), I only require that you...

*Prepay for all 10 sessions.
*Complete all 10 sessions in three months' time (ideally one session per week; and of course you can do it more frequently).
*Be an active subscriber to the infrequent, fun and informative Transformational Inquiry newsletter; if you aren't already on my mailing list, sign up at http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/newsletter.htm (You'll also receive a complimentary white paper, The Nine Proficiencies of The Work at Work.)

Please note I cannot accept Paypal payments with this offer.

Active subscribers to Transformational Inquiry, please contact me here: http://www.clearlifesolutions.com/contactcarol.htm

Ask a Facilitator Anything!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol L. Skolnick) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 06:24:00 +0000

How Much Time Should I Take for The Work?

Q: How often do you suggest someone do The Work? It takes me about 12-20 minutes to question one belief out of maybe 20-30 beliefs on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet.

A: How much time would you put aside for a daily meditation practice, or for exercise? I see doing The Work as very similar to doing these other things; you don't want to exhaust yourself, but the more regularly you work at inquiry, the more "muscle" you'll develop.

That said, I think the amount of time you set aside isn't as important as making space for it in your day. If you're new to inquiry, you might want to do it every day at first. Twenty minutes could be long enough; an hour is great if you find it's helping you to sit with the questions longer. In session with a client, we work for an hour, sometimes an hour and a half. The important thing is to routinely question your stressful beliefs so that you begin to experience the effects of inquiry when you are not actively doing it.

When I was learning how to do The Work, I used to spend a couple of hours every day...but that's because I was in a big hurry to fix myself! I soon burnt myself out (and also I came to see that The Work is not a "fix," it's a way to develop and expand awareness). Later on, I spent maybe 20 or 30 minutes a day doing actual writing, then it became a few times a week or less, or as needed. The mechanism of inquiry was alive in me by that time so I didn't always have to write everything down. When I found myself letting myself take shortcuts, I went back to writing.

From time to time I go back to doing The Work every day, but mostly I use it when I feel confused or upset with no relief, or when I am particularly curious about why someone or something is troubling me, or when a stressful concept I thought I was done with feels sticky once again. If I have a worksheet with a lot of thoughts I want to look at, I might spread it out over several days.

Everyone is different and you may find you want to spend more or less time in inquiry than others.

Can't I Have Wants and Needs?

Q: I just started reading Katie's books and I'm wondering what happens when someone truly is dissatisfied with their situation and wants to leave. When is it appropriate to have boundaries? Or is it just about finding peace in whatever situation you're in and accepting people for who they are? Can't I have wants and needs? For example, I accept my husband for not being expressive and demonstrative; does that mean I shouldn't want to leave him? If he doesn't put any time into the relationship, should I just accept that?

A: If I know I need to leave a situation, I leave it! The key word here is "know." Accepting and finding peace in a challenging relationship does not mean you have to stay there. And I will ask myself: can I know I need to leave, or am I really wanting to stay while (hopelessly) hoping my partner will change?

I'm all for having needs and wants and for being very clear about what they are. If I want someone to fulfill those needs and wants for me, that's a recipe for disappointment and resentment. If I want a demonstrative, expressive partner, for example, and my partner is not demonstrative and expressive, whether I stay or go depends on how badly I truly want that and whether I'd rather be with him than not.

Is it true that you accept your husband? Here's where acceptance comes from: question beliefs like, "My husband should be expressive" and "He doesn't put any time into the relationship." Doing so puts you back in touch with what's true for you. Acceptance is acceptance of the truth; acceptance doesn't mean you shortchange yourself.

If you know it's time to leave, what stressful thoughts keep you from doing so? (Fears, "shoulds," etc.) If you know you want to stay, what stressful thoughts keep you from loving your relationship? (Write a worksheet on your husband and find out!)

Never A Reason to Break Up?

Q: It seems there would never be a reason to break up with a partner, because if we do The Work, we would find a turnaround for every criticism pointing back to ourselves. What am I not getting/seeing here?

A: There could be many reasons to break up with a partner, including simply knowing that it's time to go. Relationships run their course. We change our minds. Our lives and our priorities change. We don't have to vilify the other person in order to leave them...and we don't have to stay just because we've discovered our criticisms of them could easily be directed at ourselves.

Why do you walk down one street rather than another one? Does it have to mean that one street is better than the other street? Maybe you're in a hurry today and it takes a little less time to walk down the street you are choosing, or there's a lovely tree there that you like to look at, or you simply enjoy a change of scene. You're not a terrible person for having preferences! There's a street I avoid because it is hilly and when I come back from the store carrying packages, I prefer not to climb uphill. I don't say "This street is too hilly, turn it around: I am too hilly. Uh oh, I'd better keep walking on the hilly street because otherwise it means I don't love what is!"

When we do turnarounds in The Work, it's not meant to talk us into or out of anything; it's simply a way to expand awareness. I can't emphasize this point enough: turnarounds show us peaceful alternatives that we may not have seen. They point to what else could be as true or truer in this vast universe of choices. They show us where we have been mistaken, where we might want to loosen our grip, create more freedom in our lives, heal ourselves and make amends to those we might have hurt.

If, when judging your partner, you have a "negative" turnaround to yourself—for example, "He's inconsiderate." "I'm inconsiderate."—it doesn't mean you have to stay with him because you've been inconsiderate. This turnaround is pointing to, "Where have I been inconsiderate of him?" Perhaps by wanting him to change for your sake...and maybe he can't do that. It could be that this is a wonderful man who is not your wonderful man; you've been confused about that. Now you can do right by him and stop the violence (to yourself as well as to him) of wishing he were different.

If you stay, questioning your thoughts will help you stay with love, including self-love. If you go, it could be the most loving thing you can do...without resentment or blame.

At first I wanted to stop seeing a man I was dating because HE did this and HE did (or didn't do) that. My friends were saying, "Oh, you've got to end it, HE's a this, HE's a that, you deserve much better. (Friends just love to take our side when we're going through relationship stuff, as if there were an enemy against whom we need defending.) While I appreciated their support, seeing the man as a dastardly fiend didn't actually make me feel better, nor did it make it any easier for me to tell him I was done.

I got clear that what was going on between us was mostly going on between my ears; old beliefs that prevented me from letting myself know what I knew, that pulled me out of my own integrity. The "negative" turnarounds, such as "he lied to me"/"I lied to him"/"I lied to myself" rang very true and they did not feel like I was whipping myself. When I finally told him it wasn't working out for me, never implying that he (or I) did anything wrong or that he wasn't good enough for me, he said he had never been "dumped" so nicely before and hoped we would stay friends. I feel closer to him now than when I was trying to "accept" him.

©2010 by Carol L. Skolnick. All rights reserved.