Troubled Teen Help

Kids, Parents and the BlackBerry / Smart-Phone

2009-08-14T17:47:00.000-07:00

For the first half hour of the meeting with the parents, it was hardly surprising to see Dad fiddling with his iPhone. At an hour, it seemed a bit much. After an hour and a half, his wife wondered what he could possibly be doing with his phone for so long when we were sitting there discussing addiction treatment and intervention for their 16 year old daughter. The wife peeked over his shoulder.

"He is playing a game," she said. "He did ask questions though."

As Web-enabled smart phones have become standard on the belts and in the totes of almost every parent I meet, these parents are increasingly caving into temptation to check e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, even the news while we are discussing their child who is in crisis. I want to start a spirited debate about priority here.

The use of a BlackBerry or iPhone in a meeting about your child who is in crisis is tacky in my opinion.

What one parent said to me was that to ignore a real-time text message in a need-it-yesterday business was to invite a loss of business for him, and that business was paying for his son's treatment program. I would like to ban BlackBerry's at meetings with parents, especially when they spend more time reading what is on their BlackBerry than they do discussing their child's needs.

I know that the phone has become routine in the business world - and I am wondering how many parents know their child shares with me how much it grates them that the phone takes priority over them. A third if not more of the kids I ask about this situation say their parents are checking their emails and not making eye contact with them when they are asking Dad or Mom a question.

Nearly 20% of the kids said they had then been accused of having poor phone manners by their parents.

This is now spanning generations.

It is routine in a business meeting to see heads bowed silently around a conference table - and they are not praying - while others are speaking they are checking their BlackBerry. Their use is epidemic. I now ban them from parent workshops as I had an experience where the parents were sending messages to each other during the seminar.

Blackberry's have become like cartoon thought bubbles. Some of the parents in the workshop admitted that they occasionally sent mocking commentary to distract themselves from their own emotions that were evolving, but most insisted they were checking their BlackBerry's for legitimate reasons: responding to work deadline requests, searching the Web on the topic of discussion, and some said they were simply taking notes.

Still, their kids were annoyed. One teen told me that his Mom checked her BlackBerry during his middle school graduation and was laughing at a joke someone sent her and missed taking his graduation picture. I am going to encourage parents who come to see me to turn off their devices. It is pretty insulting to their kids to see their parents not even be able to discuss which wilderness program they may be attending because they are busy checking their e-mails instead. I do not believe that people have opened their eyes to how offensive this can be in certain situations.

Beyond practical considerations, there is also the issue of image.

In many circles, where connections are power, making a show of reaching out to those connections even as someone is speaking to them seems to have become a kind of boast. It is customary now for parents to lay their BlackBerry or iPhone on the dinner table, to have it plugged into their ear as they walk around the house or drive in the car with their kids, or even at their kids birthday parties and sports games. It is like the gunfighter who used to lay his revolver on the card table or on top of the bar in a saloon.

It is a not so-subtle way of signaling "I am busy. I am important. I am more important than you. And if you or what you are doing or saying does not hold my interest, I have 10 other things I can do instead."

Dore E Frances, M.A. can be reached at (541) 312-4422 or at dore@dorefrances.com.

Did you Know?

2009-07-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

The United States of America does not have a juvenile justice system; it has 51 separate systems.

U.S. Department of Labor shows today's learners will have 10 to 14 jobs by their 38th birthday.

Today's kids will have watched 20,000 hours of TV, played 10,000 hours of video games, talked 10,000 hours on the phone and will have sent 250,000 emails or instant messages by the time they are 21.

More than 70% of U.S. four year olds have used a computer.

MySpace was invented in 2003. Today, more than 70% of online teens use social networking sites.

31% of youth state they have been drunk in the past year, and their parents believe they are non-drinkers.

Over 81% of 11th graders say it is easy to get alcohol when they want it.

Provided on TroubledTeenHelp.com is a Bookstore of recommended reading, Breaking News, a Conference Calendar for professionals, Missing Teen information, Articles of Interest, Press Releases, Visit Reports and much more for both parents and professionals.

TroubledTeenHelp.com provides information and professional help for parents of troubled teens and struggling teens who may be at risk in their lives.

"TroubledTeenHelp.com" Announces ....

2009-06-02T18:09:00.000-07:00

New on LA Talk Radio - New Show begins June 8th, 2009

Every Monday 12noon - 1pm PST - Channel 1 - Listen Live!

Our Special Guests are listed below

You can visit their websites by clicking on their pictures

Troubled Teen Help on LA Talk Radio

Dr. Gordon Day, Ph.D
Creator and Director of the Vantage Point by Aspiro adventure program

"Quirky kids in an outdoor wilderness setting"

Monday June 8th
12noon - 1pm PST

Vantage Point by Aspiro is a clinically advanced, short term, outdoor, adventure therapy and assessment program.

Sanford Shapiro M.Ed.
Founder
Bend Learning Center

"Connections between learning disabilities and emotional / behavioral struggles"

Monday June 15th
12noon - 1pm PST

The Bend Learning Center helps children with learning differences understand and reach their potential.

Bill Lane, President
Bill Lane & Associates

"Adolescent and young adult transports"

Monday June 22nd
12noon - 1pm PST

Bill specializes in the safe transportation of troubled teens, adolescents and young adults to boarding schools, therapeutic boarding schools, wilderness programs, drug treatment, residential treatment centers and more.

Danny Frazer, BA
Operations Director
Open Sky Wilderness

Monday June 29th
12noon - 1pm

Danny has over 10 years of experience and 700 field days in wilderness therapy and outdoor education.

Open Sky works with teenagers ages 13 to 17 and young adults ages 18 to 28 on a wide range of issues.
Open Sky arranges additional clinical services as elected by families

John David Ruben
Founder / President
Saving Teens in Crisis Collaborative

Monday July 6th
12noon - 1pm

John is a parent of 2 troubled teens who have been in therapeutic programs.

Saving Teens In Crisis Collaborative (STICC) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization formed in April of 2004 to assist troubled teens and their families struggling with substance abuse and other emotional issues.

Sponsor Ad

Elan School

Elan School accepts adolescents with emotional, behavioral or adjustment problems.

Elan School is a co-educational, independent, residential, special-purpose school, serving grades 8 through 12.

Students are admitted year round at Elan School.

Average stay is 24 to 30 months.

Horizon Family Solutions, LLC is an

Independent school advising and referral service.

Troubled Teen Help offers Educational Consulting and other
specialized services to parents and professionals.

Dore E. Frances, M.A.
Therapeutic Consultant
(541) 312-4422

The Troubled Teen Help radio show has come about because of a desire to assist and guide parents and their children when facing critical moments. We are going to continue to bring on guests that provide information about wilderness adventure programs, learning disabilities, safe transportation to programs, wilderness therapy programs, parent stories, treatment centers available and more.

Listen to Dore and her many guests Mondays at 12 noon PST. Go to LA Talk Radio to listen live. If you happen to miss the show you will be able to catch it on our archives.

If you would like to leave a comment about the show you can go to our blog at troubledteenagerhelp.blogspot.com.

DO-IT YOURSELF BLUNDERS

2009-05-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

(Dore Frances has been assisting parents in finding residential and wilderness placements for their

struggling and troubled adolescents, teens and young adults for almost seventeen years. She is a member of the American Bar Association (ABA) and Council of Parent Attorneys and Advocates (COPAA).

Be careful when doing this on your own

With the sour economy has come a class of ambitious do-it-yourselfers tackling solutions and support for their at-risk teen or young adult that before the days of rampant penny-pinching might have been left to experienced paid professionals.

An unlucky few have learned that being thrifty sometimes comes at a high price.

For some, saving money never cost quite so much

When Megan refused to attend counseling sessions any longer with her adopted parents, her parents went on the Internet searching for an intervention. Megan had begun skipping classes at school and her grades were rapidly dropping to the point she may not graduate middle school. Her parents lived in Alaska and there was a program in Colorado that they found that was advertised in a major magazine. Initially things looked good, but after 2 weeks and $10,000 their daughter refused to participate. The program asked her to leave.

From there the parents enrolled their daughter in a ranch style program in Utah that stated on their website that they “treated teens with Reactive Attachment Disorders”.

Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is described in clinical literature as a severe and relatively uncommon attachment disorder that can affect children.

RAD is characterized by markedly disturbed and developmentally inappropriate ways of relating socially in most contexts. Children with RAD are presumed to have grossly disturbed internal working models of relationships which may lead to interpersonal and behavioral difficulties in later life. There is as yet no universally accepted diagnostic protocol for reactive attachment disorder.

Often a range of measures is used in research and diagnosis.

However, this information was not shared with the parents.

At the tuition rate of nearly $6,000 per month the parents were assured that they had a therapist that specialized in this area. After a 2 month stay the parents begun to see no progress and were having difficulty getting the credentials of the therapist regarding their specialized training with RAD.

Also, their daughter was just now getting enrolled in the school classes. She had been on Level 0 because of “bad behavior” and was not allowed to attend school until she settled down.

The parents again went to the Internet and found a school in Arizona.

“It just kept getting worse”, her father said.

Just one week before they moved her there they found Horizon Family Solutions. Their daughter attended an outdoor program to allow her to benefit from some breathing room and then attended a program that truly is set up and run by clinical therapists who have training in RAD and have other children such as Megan who can relate to this difficult situation. This young lady is now graduating high school this year, at home, and will be going to college next year.

While there is no national database that tracks parents who do not use a therapeutic consultant and instead become do-it-yourselfers, experts in this industry do say there does seem to be an increase in this kind of emotionally and financially costly situation in recessions. Experts say these kinds of situations where parents have had to move their child from one program to another, oftentimes at great expense financially, let alone the emotional turmoil this causes for everyone, does seem to be increasing. When this happens there is a loss of connection between the child and their parents, they are gone from home longer, and oftentimes the outcome is not beneficial or long lasting.

Horizon Family Solutions has seen an increase in multiple placements by families before they come to us.

In general, parents feel it will be less expensive to make this life changing decision on their own. On the average parents have spent $20,000 in failed placements by the time they come to us for assistance with their child. There is a lot that goes into choosing a placement for a child other than what a parent reads on the Internet website. Parents are not accustomed to asking the kids of questions needed when they are emotionally attached to the situation. Failed placements happen all the time when parents get to emotional in their decision making process.

Many parents then have “buyer’s remorse”, because they hoped to save on the services of an ethical professional.

Parents are not accustomed to making these kinds of decisions.

Hoping to save on services of a professional can cost not only money, but on the average their child ends up spending anywhere from 8 to 14 months more away from home.

Bill and Jane from Delaware were raising their grandchild Chris.

Hoping to save on the expense of a therapeutic consultant and avoid any additional costs, they spent three months searching the Internet before placing their grandson into a program in Utah.

They accepted what was written on the website and what was sent in the brochure as factual, including the pictures. Their grandson was there two weeks when they felt the need to go see him and drop by the program. Because the program had suggested he be transported rather than them bringing, they had not see the program.

They even sent their own staff out to pick him up and charge the family only $700 plus airfare. Much less expensive than hiring a professional teen transport company that is bonded and trained in this type of situation. Being trusting people, they jumped at the chance to save some money. They traveled out to the program and four hours later had their grandson with them in their car returning home.

“It was completely horrible,” said Jane. “It was not like the website at all. It was dirty and the beds only had sheets and no blankets, and it was winter.”

The grandparents were mortified at what they saw.

They honestly felt they had taken every precautionary measure possible.

Their grandson also had to be taken to the doctor for lice.

They had paid four months tuition at $5400 per month plus a $1200 admission fee.

It took them two months to get even a partial amount of that money back. Fortunately they were referred to me by a former client and we had their grandson in a new program within the month, which they took him to, and he graduated a year later.

However, he ran twice while he was there in the very beginning. He was so scared.

Gerry from San Francisco is among those who decided to skip using the services of a therapeutic educational consultant. For six months his son Joe bounced in and out of three programs.

It cost him more than $26,000.

It seemed like a good decision at the time, as he is a manager at a large well known company where he makes financial decisions for others all the time. Often though, the wounds that are happening in the family are not recognized when making these emotional decisions.

Alice and Richard of Texas, who are legal professionals working in a non-profit organization, thought they were saving money on their son’s residential placement after he was arrested for selling marijuana at school.

Their son was ion placement for almost a year before they were allowed to visit him, although they had weekly phone calls. He had to earn the privilege. When they went to visit their son they cringed at the site of the buildings on the grounds. They were in horrible condition.

Both parents asked their son why he had never mentioned anything, and he said he was told this is what they wanted for him because of the bad choices he had made the bad behavior he had displayed.

The kitchen was a mess and there were dogs running all around the food that was being served to the kids.

Their son also had has his head shaved.

No one mentioned that either.

Both parents kept telling him how sorry they were, and yet knew they had to make another attempt to help their son, as their family was even more fractured now than before. Their son also went to an outdoor adventure program where he could regain his self-esteem and know he was not being punished.

He then went onto a residential step-down program and graduated high school just before returning home.

He starts college in the fall. The cost to this family was $50,000.

There are other parents, and some I cannot even write what their reactions were to the situation they encountered. It is heartbreaking when this happens.

“Oh God, what do we do know?” is what I often hear.

“You so not need to be alone anymore,” is what I say.

About Dore Frances, M.A., Educational Consultant

New Happenings on Troubled Teen's Website!

2009-04-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

40 + FLEXIBLE TUITION, LOW TUITION, SLIDING SCALE TUITION AND FREE RESIDENTIAL PROGRAMS FOR ADOLESCENTS AND YOUNG ADULTS

Directory of Educational Consultants

Resume Center

TroubledTeenHelp.com

Dore E. Frances, M.A.
Educational Consultant

(866) 833-6911
(541) 312-4422

Dore@dorefrances.com

How long did it take for you to get to TroubledTeenHelp.com?

2009-03-19T16:28:00.000-07:00

How many days, weeks, months or years since your troubled teen first started exhibiting behavior that made you realize that you needed more help? Please pat yourself on the back that you are taking this very first and most difficult step.

Not take a deep breath as well. The journey has just begun. Many parents fail to get this far because of too much anxiety about what this may all mean, concerns over news reports that programs are unsafe, depression, loss of energy, frustration with the amount of time it has taken to get this far. Please visit TroubledTeenHelp.com. I am sorry that you needed to seek us out. By the same token, I am grateful that you are at TroubledTeenHelp.com. The intention here is to continue to offer the thousands of parents who visit our site the troubled teen resources that they can utilize in guiding them through the maze of programs and schools that parents must review in detail. So much information can be both a blessing and a curse. Our site hopefully is a blessing by offering the latest and best information that can assist the parents of troubled teens. Just a few mere decades ago, parents of out-of-control teenagers who fell into self-destructive behavior had few places to turn. TroubledTeenHelp.com lists programs that are committed to bringing harmony and laughter back into the homes of families by offering help for today and hope for tomorrow. With the information provided you can view boys only programs, Christian based programs, holistic treatment centers and much, much more.

TroubledTeenHelp.com is proud to join with today's parents in the fight for our children's future.

TroubledTeenHelp.com provides articles of interest, breaking news, local resources, press releases, visit reports to programs and schools, conference calendar, financial information for parents who need funding for a residential placement and much, much more. What we want to bring to parents and professionals is based only on accurate and up to date information!

Published by Horizon Family Solutions, LLC. Last Updated February 22, 2009.

FREE, LOW TUITION, SLIDING SCALE, AND NO TUITION PROGRAMS FOR ADOLESCENTS AND YOUNG ADULTS These programs went through an initial screening process in order to be accepted on this non-advertising list. The list is updated throughout the year. This list is for parents who are not using the services of an Educational Consultant. $26.00 - Click here to order.

How do you determine the most appropriate adolescent residential treatment center for your child?

2009-03-07T10:40:00.000-08:00

You can trust Dore Frances, M.A., educational consultant to assist your child and your family.

Dore Frances helps families and their students choose and apply to addiction treatment centers, aftercare/next step transition programs, Christian based schools, clinically based programs, college preparatory boarding schools, eating disorder programs, emotional growth boarding schools as well as boarding schools for students who learn differently and for students who have behavioral and emotional needs. She has been empowering students and helping them make good decisions since 1987.

Adolescent residential treatment programs - Results 216,000 for adolescent residential treatment programs

Eating disorder treatment centers - Results 5,360,000 for eating disorder treatment centers

Mental Health Treatment Centers - Results 30,700,000 for Mental Health Treatment Centers

Residential Treatment Centers for Teens - Results 351,000 for Residential Treatment Centers for Teens

Teens who struggle - Results 3,120,000 for teens who struggle

Therapeutic boarding schools - Results 114,000 for therapeutic boarding schools

Addiction Treatment Centers - Results 61,300,000 for Addiction Treatment Centers

In 2001 Dore Frances, M.A. founded Horizon Family Solutions, LLC, an educational consulting firm.

She travels extensively many times a year, visiting outdoor adventure programs, pre-teen schools, residential treatment centers and therapeutic facilities to ensure that she knows the campuses and their staff in order to help families make appropriate choices. In the past four years alone, Dore has toured over 125 therapeutic boarding schools, wilderness camps, young adult transition programs and addiction treatment facilities.

Dore E. Frances, M.A.

Founder, Horizon Family Solutions, LLC

Our Mission and Our Vision

Horizon Family Solutions Announces an Innovative New Website Targeting Parents and Professionals

2009-02-03T15:59:00.000-08:00

Horizon Family Solutions Announces an Innovative New Website Targeting Parents and Professionals Searching For Residential Treatment and Wilderness Program Information and Services

(Bend, Oregon) February 2, 2009 - Dore Frances, M.A. today unveiled TroubledTeenHelp.com, an innovative new website targeting parents and professionals searching for residential treatment and wilderness program information and services.

“ TroubledTeenHelp.com provides articles of interest, breaking news, local resources, press releases, visit reports to programs and schools, conference calendar, financial information for parents who need funding for a residential placement and much, much more.”

“In order for many residential treatment centers and wilderness programs to remain competitive, cost-effective, and current in their online marketing endeavors, they must consider as a vital tool for meeting their evolving needs. “

“The focal point of our site is to simplify the Internet search for parents and professionals by providing a cost-effective one-stop solution for program search as well as articles of interest. “

Residential treatment and wilderness program business owners and professionals can attest first hand to the mind-boggling evolution that has taken shape in the Internet Marketing Landscape since the late 90s. The shift from cool looking but highly ineffective banner ads to such emerging technologies as Social Search, Blog Marketing and Mobile Media has provided diversely creative opportunities for delivering targeted marketing messages to the right audience. These are exciting times for those working in the Residential Treatment and Wilderness Treatment industry and it is a time that is presenting some daunting challenges when striving to keep pace with the present light-speed movement of this high paced industry. Many programs and schools are experiencing continual skill and service gaps in their Internet Marketing efforts. The challenges and expense of hiring diversely skilled Internet Marketing Specialists in-house has many businesses exploring other options to meet their growing needs.

Dore Frances, M.A., founder of Horizon Family Solutions, reported "Outsourcing has become a practical necessity for many new and existing residential and wilderness programs attempting to operate in this competitive industry.”

She added, "In order for many residential and wilderness programs to remain competitive, cost-effective, and current in their online marketing endeavors, they must consider outsourcing as a vital tool for meeting their evolving needs."

At TroubledTeenHelp.com, programs and schools can post breaking news, conferences, articles, press releases, as well as advertise.

TroubledTeenHelp.com also suggests that all advertisers on her site or any other site use the Google Analytics tool to effectively gain rich insights into their website traffic with Advanced Segmentation, Custom Reporting, Motion Charts, and more.

Frances also sees an increasing number of Internet Marketing sites emerging to address the growing demand for the advertising of residential treatment centers and wilderness programs.

She pointed out, "There are many Internet Marketing sites that are free and then there are those that charge hundreds of dollars per month for each individual advertisement. You need to know who you are doing business with and what results you are receiving for your precious dollars at work. Some of these sites are very outdated and a parent could spend many hours searching and then receive incorrect information. Other sites advertise anyone who is willing to pay and may add Boot Camps or other programs to their site that they would themselves not even entrust their own child to attend. This is not in the best interest of a child. You need to know that these are “safe search” sites for parents when needing to make a choice about their child. This is critical.”

Frances emphasized that TroubledTeenHelp.com is committed to watching the emerging Internet Marketing Trends of this industry and continuing to update in new areas. Also, the advertisers they accept must meet certain criteria and not all advertisers will be accepted.

“The focal point of our site is to simplify the safe Internet search for parents and professionals by providing a cost-effective one-stop solution for program and school searches that are in the best interest of the child and the family.”

This new site launched January 26, 2009. For more information about advertising, please visit TroubledTeenHelp.com

New Website Launched Today!

2009-01-26T16:33:00.000-08:00

TroubledTeenHelp.com

Educational Consultants supporting parents and professionals assisting troubled teens and young adults

TroubledTeenHelp.com is a resource of information and places for struggling and troubled teens and young adults.

For nearly 17 years, Dore Frances,M.A., Child Advocate and Independent Educational Consultant and Founder of Horizon Family Solutions, has assisted families and helped professionals find appropriate and best matched programs and schools for their at-risk preteen, teen and young adult.

TroubledTeenHelp.com also provides a thorough place for parents and professionals to learn more about the industry of addiction treatment centers, aftercare / transitional programs, Christian based programs, clinically based programs, distance learning options, and more. Just check out the Breaking News area.

TroubledTeenHelp.com provides articles of interest, breaking news, local resources, press releases, visit reports to programs and schools, conference calendar, financial information for parents who need funding for a residential placement and much, much more.

TroubledTeenHelp.com offers Educational Consulting and other
specialized services to parents and professionals.

Online since 2001

Associations to which we belong.

Meeting the Needs Of Young Adults

2009-01-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

As they mature and become sexually active, more young adults face serious health risks.

Most face these risks with too little factual information, too little guidance about sexual responsibility, and too little access to health care.

Meeting young adults' diverse needs challenges parents, communities, health care providers, and educators. Despite urgent needs, program efforts have been slight and slowed by controversy.

One-fifth of world population is between ages 10 and 19. Young people today marry later, and more start sex before marriage. Thus they face more risk of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

In developing countries 20% to 60% of young women's pregnancies and births are unintended, most coming sooner than planned. Pregnancy puts young women's health at risk, through childbearing or unsafe abortion.

Increasingly, early parenthood means lost education as well, with lifelong loss of earnings. Half of those infected with AIDS-causing HIV are under age 25. The help that young adults need to avoid these risks varies.

Some young people are not yet sexually active. They need support and skills to postpone starting sex.

Some suffer from sexual abuse. They need protection and care. Some start sex before marriage, and some change sexual partners several times before they marry. They need help to abstain from sex or use condoms to prevent pregnancy and STDs. Many others are married and need much the same health and family planning services as other married couples. Sex education and reproductive health programs for young adults often face opposition, but research shows that these programs do not lead to more frequent or earlier sex, as opponents fear. To win public support, programs must work with parents and within community norms.

At the same time, programs must advocate new social norms that protect the health of young adults.

Current norms reward boys but punish girls for having sex; they glamorize irresponsible sex in the mass media but reject young people's natural interest in sexuality. Until these values change, programs for young adults will fight an uphill battle to encourage responsible behavior and provide adequate care.

For family planning services, STD treatment, and prenatal care, most young adults must go to the same clinics available to older people. Only a few hospitals and nongovernmental organizations have set up special clinics or service hours for young people. Many different outreach programs have been tried, often employing young adults to talk with their peers and sometimes to distribute condoms. In a few US schools, clinics offer some reproductive health services along with other care; a few schools provide condoms.

Young adults need programs that are compassionate, learn their needs, earn their trust, go where they are, and speak their language.

Horizon Family Solutions
Dore E. Frances, M.A.
Educational Consultant
(866) 833-6911
(541) 312-4422

Have a Question? Get an Answer!

2008-12-20T14:22:00.000-08:00

Ask a Question

Do you need the answer or solution to a one-time question or problem, such as:

What kind of aftercare is available once a child completes residential treatment?
I have chosen a program for my child off the Internet. Who can tell me more about them and where can I get information to make sure I am making a safe choice?
I need a psychologist who can do some testing on my child. Who can I call?
My child's school has called me for a conference and I am not sure what I need to do to prepare.

Email me your question - add "Advice Needed" in the subject line - dore@dorefrances.com

You may choose from several options - Check our PayPal drop down list

A simple answer to a basic question, maybe something about ADHD, or perhaps a more specific answer is needed, or a very detailed answer that may need research and references or even a 15 minute call to answer some questions on the phone.

Make your payment via PayPal and you will receive your answer in a short period of time or I will contact you regarding setting up a phone time.

Oftentimes this can be within the hour.

All answers will be complete and thorough.

"I have been teaching middle school for thirty years and I get asked so many questions by parents all the time that I just do not have the time to research. Also, things change so much I just cannot keep up. I started referring parents to Dore and they have said it has been a great time saver for them in finding out some basic information and getting help on where to go for things like psychological testing. This is a well needed and very inexpensive service!" ~ Jon Aslan, Arizona

"I was feeling very apprehensive about the residential therapy program I choose for my daughter. I needed to know that I had made a safe choice. I asked Dore to help me specifically research this school to make sure they had no complaints against them. Just getting her genuine feedback gave me peace of mind. I have a feeling I will be using her again." ~ Rob Beare, California

I needed to locate an advocate and attorney in my state that would be able to assist me with my son and his IEP. I had been on the Internet and found all kinds of sites but did not know whom I could trust. I gave Dore the specific information and she emailed me a thorough list with names, addresses, contact numbers and their websites. I felt much better knowing these were people who would be able to assist me with my son's specific needs. I have already referred this low cost service to another parent. " ~ Robbi R., Washington

Okay, I admit it. I was freaking out. As a single parent I had a situation going on at home, it was evening time, and I just needed some quick advice. Having a 15 minute call with Dore (she actually gave me 25), was just the shot in the arm I needed to get through the little mini crisis. I think my child and I could have ended up in a big fight had I not had this time out time with Dore. She helped me get calm, centered and really see what was happening. It is great to know she is there if I ever need her again." ~ David B., Bend, Oregon

Dore E. Frances, M.A.

Drowsy Teen Driving

2008-12-18T13:37:00.000-08:00

In this season of snow, long road trips and excessive parties drowsy young people driving automobiles can lead to some minor and even serious accidents.

Overtired teens are a threat to themselves – and others – as they too often climb behind the wheel having had too little sleep. For example, 36 percent of teen drivers say they frequently drive while tired in the morning.

Perhaps more significant, they report getting an average of only 7.2 hours of sleep on school nights.

And that can have costly outcomes. Young people who get less than eight hours of sleep per night on average are twice as likely to say they have fallen asleep at the wheel (20 percent) than are teens who report getting an average of eight or more hours of sleep per night (10 percent).

Drowsy driving causes more than 10,000 crashes each year, leading to 40,000 injuries and 1,550 deaths, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Make no mistake about it, the combination of sleepiness, inexperience, and a tendency to drive at night and in the early morning hours puts young adults at risk for drowsy driving crashes. Just as frightening are some of the strategies teens say they employ to try to stay awake.

Ø Playing loud music (49 percent)

Ø Talking on a cell phone (22 percent)

Ø Speeding (11 percent)

Ø Text messaging (11 percent)

Other concerns about sleepy teens include the relationship between insufficient rest and obesity, depression, drug abuse, and future cardiovascular disease, according to Byron J. Richards, a board-certified clinical nutritionist. Sleep problems in children and teens have reached a crisis level in America. So, what's the remedy? More sleep. Teens should be getting between 8.5 and 9.5 hours of sleep to be fully rested. It sounds like a simple solution. In truth, it may be hard to achieve. Teens need more sleep than adults do.

During adolescence, teens are hard-wired to stay up later at night and sleep later in the morning. Still we torment them with early school starts and, often, morning commitments on weekends. Thank goodness for the holidays!

Even though they may have more chance to rest, teens' holiday schedules remain cramped.

And research suggests that holiday periods are particularly dangerous times of year on roads and highways.

What's a busy teen to do? Here are a couple of tips:

Use the buddy system – ask your passenger to stay awake during the drive, to help keep you awake, and to share the driving responsibilities.

Ø If sleepiness sets in while driving, prevent a crash by pulling over to find a safe place to take a nap.

Of course, Mom and Dad have a role to play, too. Parents are the most influential voices in their teens' driving behaviors. Young people tend to drive more safely when they are presented with family driving rules that are enforced, such as:

Ø Minimum sleep requirements in order to drive;

Ø No driving after 10 p.m.; and

Ø No cell phone use, including text messaging.

Unfortunately, "early to bed, early to rise" doesn't synch well with suddenly nocturnal teens who are balancing late nights, early mornings, and jam-packed schedules. They want to do it all.

As parents the job is to help them regulate competing demands in a way that keeps them safe behind the wheel. Especially when they have miles to go before they sleep.

Dore E. Frances, M.A.

Why Drug Rehabilitation Programs are Highly Successful

2008-12-14T16:28:00.000-08:00

I know this is not what you want to read .... however, if you are reading it ... there is a reason ......

A drug addict lives in their own world, whether they are nine or 29. A life full of fantasies, a life without any responsibilities and a life where there is no consciousness. Unfortunately, that is not the real life a human being is supposed to live. It is the not the life parents want their children to live.

The human life is full of responsibilities, whether you are a child or an adult, both to oneself and to the society in which we live. When a pre-teen or teen or young adult starts using drugs they fall into the pit of agony and self destruction. Some parents are so afraid to get their child help, stating it is just a phases, it is not that bad (that one always hurts when I hear it), or that their child may feel abandoned if they send them to get help.

Would you not treat a broken limb or any affliction in your child's body with great care?

The same applies here. Drug rehabilitation and residential treatment can and does work when it it the right treatment for the child, encompassing all of their needs, including academics. A child using drugs cannot be greatly successful in treatment and rehabilitation efforts individually.

It takes the entire family to be involved. And yes, that is hard work and at times very uncomfortable.

When needed, drug rehabilitation programs start with the detoxification stage. Here the supply of drugs is cut off totally and the harmful scum of drugs deposited in the body is washed off. Different medicines are used for people with different addition levels when the situation is severe. This period of time is the harshest for the addict as well as their family. Suppression of cravings for drugs is very painful for the addict.

Drug rehabilitation centers and residential treatment programs follow steps to make the addict comfortable at this stage. Once the cravings disappear, the addict is put through mental and physical therapies. It has been found that lack of mental strength is the biggest reason why people take drugs. Even for a child, self-abusing is a lack of mental strength. They take them to enhance their macho image, to feel better, to numb out.

Mental strength is essential for survival for a human being. Once found fit, the addict is taught some life skills to help them get back on track. Now the addict is as good as anyone around them. They can once again hold their head high. Success rate of drug rehabilitation programs and residential treatment centers is often in the high eighties. The earlier the intervention age wise, the better. Getting help at 10, 13, 17, is much easier than at 21, 25, 28 and even older. Parents can get their children help, and make it happen to save them.

Adults have to choose for themselves. Some do, some don't. Some survive, some die. Most rehabilitation centers and residential treatment centers hire experts after close scrutiny only. The staff requires not only technical expertise, they need to possess compassion.

Oh ... your child is not an addict? Was that word too harsh? Wait long enough ..... they can be!

I have assisted a nine year old girl who was addicted to her father's anti-anxiety medication. I have assisted a 12 year old boy who was addicted to cocaine. His parents are both CEO's of major companies. I have assisted a 16 year old girl who was a heroine addict. Her mother is the founder of her own company and very successful. Addicts are not dirty people on the street or from broken homes or those that you only see on TV.

They are right there in your home, on your block, in your schools, shopping at the local grocery store.

I have assisted numerous adults who were addicted to prescriptions drugs.

There is no age limit for an addict. Children can start using drugs at any time. They need you to be the one who gets them help. Believe me, they are counting on it!

We believe in the power of every family and individual we assist.

Teen Dating Relationship Abuse

2008-12-03T15:01:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am writing about this again.

It is apparent from the calls I am getting from parents that this is a growing concern. As adults, most of us have learned from our past mistakes in relationships. Some lessons were more difficult to learn than others.

At least that was my experience.

Part of growing older, besides getting thinning hair, is realizing how much your relationships with others have shaped the person you are today, and influenced your ability to help family, friends and loved ones. It is important to use the obstacles you have struggled with and been challenged by in the past to teach and guide those who are currently in bad relationships and situations.

For pre-teens, teens and young adults, it is hard to look at the big picture of life instead of feeling helpless and hopeless after every failure. One or more of you may have experienced an abusive relationship while growing up, whether it happened at home or within a romantic relationship. Any kind of abuse is dangerous and harmful, although teen abuse has unique factors that make it especially hard for the youth involved.

For teenage girls and boys, the damage that can be caused by relationship abuse is often underestimated, and therefore carried on into later stages of life when never properly addressed. Teen Dating Abuse is a disturbingly widespread yet mostly unnoticed form of abuse, due to the fact that adults tend to view teen relationships as less significant and incapable of producing intense emotion. Adolescent dating abuse is easily disguised as normal teen angst and frustration, even the most observant parent might not see the mental damage a relationship is having on their daughter's well-being.

(Most of these relationships I have assisted with are girls, however, it does happen to boys as well).

Being aware of the signs of dating abuse can help prevent a teen from becoming involved in a dangerous, controlling relationship, as well as help someone recover from its emotional effects. It's a common misconception that abuse has to be physical or sexual.

In Dr. Jill Murray's book "But I Love Him," she states that while verbal and emotional abuse do not always transition into physical abuse, every physically abusive relationship starts with mental abuse. Abuse is about power and control; a person can gain control over another without ever raising a fist. This is why victims of abuse are the first ones to deny any sort of issue; they have been tricked into believing that their partner's behavior is normal and is out of love. According to Dr. Murray, it is a surprising fact that the symptoms of verbal and emotional abuse are also the behaviors that girls find most flattering. These include monopolizing a girl's time, isolating her from family and friends, saying "I love you" too soon, and interrogating her about her whereabouts. When the two engage in sex, it becomes even more dangerous. All of these behaviors can be mistaken for concern and love; however they are only ways for a boy to control his girlfriend and get her to do what he wants. Humiliating her in public, calling her names, and making her wait for his phone call are all ways to break down her self-esteem and ensure that she believes he is the only one who would ever love her or want her. As the relationship progresses, the abuser learns that he can treat his girlfriend whichever way he chooses and she will not leave. She has lost her friends because of his constant need for her to only be with him; most likely he has convinced her not to trust her family members or confide in them. She feels trapped and helpless, which makes sense as that's exactly what she has become. As a friend, parent, or sibling, it's difficult to understand what makes a teen stay in such a painful, frustrating relationship rather than reaching out for help or simply breaking up with their partner.

Adults in abusive situations might be compelled to stay for financial reasons or because of any children involved; the only apparent attachment within teenage relationships is purely emotional. Adolescents are forced to see their abuser every day at school; the pressures of high school add the fear of being harassed or unpopular to the difficulty of breaking up with a boyfriend.

(Some of the recent situations I have assisted with have been high school girls in relationships with boys that are 18 to 21, and this is even more dangerous, as they usually have no parents involved, or their parents are supporting the relationship which is even more controlling).

According to the Domestic Violence Agency of Alameda County, California, a young girl may be terrified and depressed because of her abusive boyfriend, however will not tell a parent in order to avoid losing the freedoms that have accompanied their transition in young adulthood. They also may be afraid to mention that they have been sexually active. When a victim of abuse thinks they will be punished after revealing the details of their relationship, it will be harder for the parent to find out what is really going on. Another reason that a teen will remain in an abusive relationship is a lack of experience.

When the teen is dating for the first time, they have nothing to compare to; making it difficult to determine what is or is not appropriate dating behavior.

Abusive dating relationships have increased at an alarming rate over the past five years; it is estimated that one in three high school students will be involved in an abusive relationship before they reach graduation.

Insecurity or a lack of confidence are warning signs that a teenager is a target for dating abuse, or is already suffering from a controlling and possessive relationship.

In the book "What Parents Need to Know about Dating Violence," a list of questions is provided for parents to ask their teenager when they are concerned about abuse. Even when the person being abused refuses to answer the questions, they will remember them and start to realize the bad situation they are in.

Ask .....

Does the person you love track all of your time or check up on you often?

Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful or sleeping around?

Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
Say that you cannot do even simple things right?

Tell you the abuse is your fault and that you are crazy?
Or threaten to kill themselves or someone you care about if you leave?

The last question reveals a dangerous behavior abusers most commonly use to keep their girlfriend around.

A study conducted by the Liz Claiborne Incorporation on teen relationship abuse reveals that a shocking 16% of girls between the ages of thirteen to eighteen have had a partner threaten to commit suicide or hurt himself if she leaves the relationship. Over time an abusive boyfriend might use his family issues to receive sympathy from his girlfriend; he will play up the role of the victim being raised in a broken home,having an alcoholic parent, coming from a single parent home, using all the excuses possible for his bad behavior. The girl will feel she can make his life better by loving him; she does not realize that he is manipulating her into staying with him out of pity.

The threat of suicide is usually an abuser's last attempt to keep possession of his partner; if he really wants to kill himself he needs to be seeing a psychologist, not his fifteen-year old girlfriend!

After the occurrence of physical threats, the extent of the emotional abuse has reached its limit before the start of physical violence. When you think that someone you know is involved in an abusive relationship, it's important to talk to them and express your concern for their safety. When you are the parent, do not make your daughter or son feel you are attacking them or accusing them of doing something wrong; this will only push them further away. Let them know that there is nothing you care more about than their happiness, and be willing to help any way you can. There are also legal actions that can be taken to prevent the abuser from contacting the teen, as well as psychological steps and specific programs and schools to help the victim recover. Removing the teen from the situation sometimes is the best first move when this has escalated to a dangerous situation. Getting them to a safe secure place with people who know how to assist is an important first step when it has become a crisis. They will not want to leave, that is normal. You have to step in and make the choice to help them as they will need time away from the situation and the proper therapy to get a clear picture of what has been happening to them.

A result of being in a highly abusive relationship is the possibility of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

This psychological difficulty is normally associated with war veterans or victims of torture, or children that have been severely abused, however its symptoms are commonly found in abused women and girls. This is one of the reasons it is crucial to make sure that a victim of abuse is receiving immediate professional help.

PTSD rarely goes away on its own; the symptoms may lessen in time but most likely will reappear at different events later in life, even when unrelated to the former abusive relationship. Teen Dating Abuse is a sad and increasingly prevalent epidemic in American society.

It has previously been unacknowledged, so it's important to inform parents, teachers, and young adults of its dangerous effects. Although a relationship between two teenagers may seem harmless, it cannot be left without guidance. Emotional abuse is most likely just the beginning, and adolescence is no excuse for harming and controlling another person.

Another recommended book to read - But He Never Hit Me: The Devastating Cost of Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women

Dore E. Frances, M.A.

As a former victim (although I do not choose to relate to that word any longer) of being stalked for 15 years, I speak with many groups who are just starting to realize the effect this has on our teenagers today.

Is Stalking More Common Than We Think?

2008-11-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

The average stalking last two years. That’s two years of hang-up phone calls, two years of slashed tires, two years of looking over your shoulder. Technology has also given stalking new life.

As more and more attention has been paid to violence against women and girls, research has started to include stalking as a potential problem. A new study in Criminology & Public Policy, shows that stalking disrupted the lives of 13 percent of a national sample of college women during a 7-month time period.

Stalking only rarely resulted in physical harm, but stalking was frightening and disturbing, lasting an average of 2 months and resulting in frequent unwanted contact. Nine out of ten of the almost 4500 young women in the study were full time students and 86 percent were undergraduates. Stalking was defined as repeated, unwanted pursuit behaviors (such as following, watching, phone calls, e mails, or other contacts) that “seemed obsessive and made you afraid or concerned for your safety.”

The students reported nine kinds of stalking behaviors, and on average the student reported that a stalker pursued her in three different ways.

Three out of four events involved phone calls, three in ten were letters, and one in four was e mail.

Most students reported that the stalking took place two to six times a week. Half the women reported being stalked for two months or more. Almost all (98 percent) of the stalkers were male, four out of five were acquainted with the victim, and almost half of those who were acquainted were a boyfriend or former boyfriend. Most of the others were classmates, “friends” or co-workers. And most of the stalking was not reported to the police or to campus law enforcement officials. Most thought the incidents would not be considered serious enough for police to pursue. Although not the most important problem facing youth today, stalking is upsetting because it makes girls feel vulnerable, and it is apparently more common than we realize. It takes many forms, in addition to physically following girls. Dating is often a time of conflict and abuse, primarily against girls. One-third of all students, male and female, report some experience with physical violence in a dating relationship. For example, girls were much more likely to report being punched or forced to engage in sexual activity against their will. Boys, on the other hand, were more likely to be pinched, slapped, scratched, and kicked. The bad news for parents and other adults is that they are unlikely to be told about these incidents, making it difficult to deal with the problem.

Less than 3 percent of boys or girls reported the incident to an authority figure, such as a teacher, police, or counselor, and only 6 percent reported it to a family member.

Forty-two percent of the boys and 43 percent of the girls reported that the incidents occurred in a school building or on school grounds.

And although most of the incidents took place when the couple was alone, another boy or girl or group of people was present nearly half the time. That means that there are bystanders witnessing the abuse who need to do more to stop it, either by showing their concern or getting help.

Why are some teen romances so violent?

Many children in foster care have experienced violence, and there is good reason to be concerned that they may become victims or perpetrators of violence in the future. A recent study suggests that teenagers in foster care may be at risk for violence in their dating relationships.

Have you ever been stalked? How long did it last? What methods did they use? Are you safe now?

Dore E. Frances, M.A.

Teen's Suicide Streamed Live On Internet

2008-11-23T12:20:00.000-08:00

A Florida teen who intentionally overdosed streamed his death on the Internet while it occurred Wednesday.

Others watched online. This is such a sad, disturbing event, on so many different levels.

It is sad that someone would do this over a live feed on the Internet. That just goes to show you that this teenager was crying out in pain for attention and and much needed help. The teen had reportedly announced his intentions on a bodybuilding chat forum and left a suicide note. With the video still streaming, viewers eventually called the local police, who broke down the door, found the body and switched off the camera.

Up to 1,500 people were viewing, according to one report.

Abraham Biggs was not the first person to commit suicide with a web cam rolling.

But the drawn-out drama — and the reaction of those watching — was seen as an extreme example of young people‘s penchant for sharing intimate details about themselves over the Internet.

Last year a British man hanged himself live on web cam. His suicide was witnessed by about 100 chat room users. According to one charity that works to prevent suicide, there have been at least 17 deaths in Britain since 2001 involving chat rooms or sites that give advice on suicide methods. A small group of parents and professionals concerned over the number of teen suicides in Juneau, Alaska grew over the past year into a task force that is using volunteerism and a state grant to address the problem. Alaska's suicide rate is two times the national average - one of the highest in the country.

Teen suicide became a particular concern in Juneau when, just a few months into the last school year, four teens had taken their own lives.

During a series of meetings with police, psychologists, pastors, school counselors and others, it was determined that eight young adults had committed suicide in the prior 18 months.

I've heard many educators and parents debate over whether or not children who spend a large amount of time using the Internet are losing critical, social skills. Critics argue that Internet use is often used to replace real-life social interaction between young people and causes a lack of ability to relate to others in a healthy manner. After reading the story about the young man who killed himself before an amused, live audience, I've been wondering if this might not be true.

There is one residential treatment center in Utah, that I personally know of, that allows and encourages their students to spend time on MySpace.

They state on their website "Our youth treatment center helps each struggling teen in our center find the worth and value in themselves." I am not sure what their current tuition is, probably somewhere between $5,00 and $7,000, and I have to wonder if parents are really aware that this is part of what they are paying for? The parents whom I assisted in removing their child from that environment were in shock when their daughter's therapist said that even if they, the parents, did not want their daughter on MySpace the program was going to let her engage anyway, as they felt it was "normal" daily activity in a teens' life and needed to happen. Maybe this is how they babysit the kids, at the rate of $165 to $235 per day. What about the kids that had this unhealthy addiction before they came to treatment? It boggles my mind, but is absolutely true, as I spoke to the therapist myself. This will be addressed in the book - One Size Does Not Fit All - Who Knew!

Does repeated Internet use cause people to lose their ability to identify with others? Is there something about the emotional distance from which we can view on line activities that causes a distortion of reality?

I don't have the answers to these questions, however, I think that they are certainly important to consider; particularly when raising and educating children in a culture which is immersed in technology. True, websites themselves are not responsible. We all must be responsible for our own actions, our own safety, and our own lives. Those who have children must take responsibility for them. Those who have a loved one who is in a precarious situation must be the ones who take action to assist them. We cannot child-proof the world.

Personal accountability and responsibility needs to make a comeback in each and very home.

Dore E. Frances, M.A.,A.C.C
TroubledTeenHelp.com

Holiday Wishes for The Troops

2008-11-16T09:43:00.000-08:00

This holiday season, you can send soldiers and wounded troops greeting cards - even when you don't know their names.

Through December 10th, the public can send their greeting cards, with adequate postage and a return address to:

Holiday Mail for Heroes
Post Office Box 5456
Capitol Heights, MD.
20791-5456

Please do not send care packages, inserts, money, or add glitter to your card.

"The eyes of the soldiers really light up when they see greeting cards sent from the American public," said Lt. Col. David Oclander. He was in Iraq around the time of last year's program and remembers seeing soldiers, even those in the most remote areas, carrying their cards around. "Some put their cards in their vehicles when they go out on patrol", Oclander said.

Please support our troops.

Dore E. Frances.M.A., A.C.C.

How to Understand Troubled Teens

2008-11-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

Is it possible for us as adults to understand troubled teens?

We know that as adults we find it helpful to talk about our problems and emotions. This is because most of us have learned to talk about our feelings no matter how complex they might be.

We are also more accepting of the grey areas of life due to our wider range of life experiences. For many troubled teens, this process is not quite as easy. This is because young people may find it harder to put their feelings into words and because they are dealing with many seemingly contradictory and overwhelming feelings at a time when their brain development, emotional and physical development are undergoing some powerful changes.

Unlike most adults, the lives of a teenager are most often linked to those of their parents so they might find it harder to communicate conflicts with family members.

To understand troubled teens therefore requires different techniques to those we employ to help adults with their problems.

Troubled teens need a specialist approach from a counselor, educational consultant or therapist.

Talk therapy may end up not be the most effective form of therapy for a troubled teenager.

In general; more active forms of therapy may work better. This may include outdoor adventure therapy or adventure therapeutic wilderness therapy, or perhaps even a residential emotional growth program.

Some therapists use equine-assisted therapy to counsel teens. This is where troubled teens interact with horses as part of a therapeutic intervention allowing the therapist to observe how the child interacts with the animal and draw important conclusions from that behavior. It is believed that the way in which a teen interacts with the horse provides valuable clues to their relationship with their parents or peers. There are many beneficial residential programs that offer equine assisted therapy a a part of the therapeutic component of the program.

Counseling troubled teens is centered on helping both the child and the parents to better understand some of the ways in which the teen behaves. It teaches a teen to express their needs and wants in a more positive, constructive way. When these issues are better understood and new behaviors implemented, the family relationship as a whole improves as does the well-being of troubled teens.

Family therapy is often used to help troubled teens who have behavioral or emotional issues.

Here a therapist will help make communication between family members and the teen work more efficiently and in so doing help both parties to learn techniques for conflict resolution.

So how do you know that your teenager has a real problem and isn’t just going through a ‘phase’?

Parents might find it very difficult to recognize problem behavior in their teen. How do you know when your teen is at risk for drug/alcohol abuse, quitting school, has an eating disorder, an unplanned pregnancy, violence, depression, or even suicide? Unfortunately troubled teens aren’t always very easy to spot. They have become experts at hiding their behaviors and self-concerns from adults.

Parents may fall into the trap of comparing their troubled teens to other teenagers that they have contact with. Maybe even friends and family members compare their own children to your child. Which means some parents either find their teen ‘worse’ than other teens; or ‘not as bad’ as other children they know - both of which might lead to disastrous consequences.

Of course it’s easy to understand this kind of comparison when a parent is wanting to determine how much of a problem there really is. However making a comparison with other children of the same age, or even those that "made it" unto adult hood is not a reliable indicator of how serious your troubled teens problems are.

Instead, parents need to look at each child individually and assess the situation themselves, using their knowledge of the child’s normal behavior and personality. It is important for parents to use their intuition and gut feelings when dealing with troubled teens because this is often quite correct in assessing the situation. Parents are also encouraged to enlist the help of counselors, educational consultants and support groups to help them through the process. In general, parents are the first to know when their teen is in trouble. The trick is getting them to admit it and not stay in denial!

Unfortunately many troubled teens are not always honest about their real feelings. They often resort to manipulating the situation, becoming secretive or worming their way out of an issue for meths even years at a time.

When parents bury their heads in the sand, turn their back on the situation at hand, talk themselves out of what is really going on, their teen may use that to make the parent feel that there aren’t any problems at all and that they are over reacting. Once a parent starts to deny the clear evidence of a problem he or she may start to ignore the problem or explain it away in their own minds, which is exactly what the teen wants to have happen. This can be dangerous for troubled teens that may need intervention - even life-saving intervention.

The signs that your teen is in crisis are not hard to spot once you know (and really accept) what they are with an open mind. In general troubled teens will show one or more of the following behaviors and/or symptoms:

* Being secretive in a way which is more than just the average need for privacy. Leaving early, coming home late, and not answering their cell phone when you call.

* Sudden outbursts of anger on a regular basis that seem irrational based on the situation. Troubled teens exhibit more than the normal amount of anger and resentment. This is because they are scared and feel out of control.

* When your troubled teens miss curfews, skip engagements or lies about where they have been or who they are with they might be in crisis. More is going on than you know, and your teen is probably engaged in unsafe activities.

* When your teen suddenly changes their group of friends and doesn’t want you to meet or talk to their new inner circle their may be a big problem. When this coincides with a change in appearance and attitude you need to be very concerned.

* Your teen steals from you. Troubled teens might need money for drugs or alcohol or other activities that are unhealthy to their safety.

* Your teen has extreme mood swings or is sleeping more than usual.

* Your child's grades are dropping and they seem to have no interest in their normal activities. Troubled teens may be suffering from depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder or may be drug addicted or engaged in ongoing sexual activity, sometimes with multiple partners.

When you see any of these signs in your child, please don’t ignore them. Seek help from a trained therapist, educational consultant, family coach or support group and learn how to handle the issues at hand before a crisis arises.

Many troubled teens have allowed problems to escalate to the point where they felt suicide was their only option. Don’t let it happen to you or your child. Talk to your child openly and sincerely about what is going on in his or her life. Don’t talk down to troubled teens - they are the first to spot a condescending attitude. And don't threaten them with boarding school or boot camp.

The most important thing is to get a dialogue going with your child and to get help.

Horizon Family Solutions focuses primarily on the families of special needs children, adolescents and young adults and assists those ages 8 to 26. Some of the students I assist have challenges with ADD/ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome, auditory processing disorder, autism, bipolar disorder, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, PTSD, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. Some are just failing at life and need assistance before a crisis happens. This is usually resulting from loss of self-esteem because of adoption issues or sexual activity that has begun beofre they are emotionally able to handle those feelings. I offer unique services that are tailored to the individual needs of all my clients and provide attentive support to ensure ongoing development towards long term success.

Dore E. Frances, M.A.
Founder, Horizon Family Solutions

Ragging on teenagers

2008-11-08T10:11:00.000-08:00

Ragging on teenagers has become even more noticeable this year. Some of the most aggressive comments I have heard come from the middle and upper-middle classes, who are proving the Beatles right. Money can’t buy kids love. And hey, I am not pointing fingers. I did all I could to buy my daughter everything I could afford, hoping she would never have to experience what I did as a child. It backfired. Remind me to tell you the story of searching the entire west coast for all of the Power Rangers one Christmas.

I also notice that privileged parents too often seem to regard their adolescent offspring as though they were holdings in the family stock portfolio: Either they perform or they’re out. '

For the last several years, the trend among the well-to-do has been to blame the teenager for everything that goes wrong in the family. Divorce, financial stress, loss of a job, and in once case a parent blamed their child for their plastic surgery going wrong, sating the kid stressed them out so much they did not heal correctly. I can at least say I never blamed my daughter for all the choices I made or for the emotions I struggled with.

Ever since the 1999 Columbine school shooting in Colorado and a rash of books in 2002 that took girls to task for almost everything, a shift started happening.

Forget nurturing; boys were murderers and girls were murderous, and a parent’s best hope was merely to survive until they left home. How sad is that? No matter how bad it seems at home with your child they did not spring full-blown from the belly of some alien monster sent to Earth to drive you towards a complete nervous breakdown. These are children, and they are products of the home environments that are created in which they live. Sometimes we do a great job and sometimes we don't. That is life. We learn as we go. If I knew then what I know now I would have been a much better parent. However, we cannot undo what is done. Some of the mistakes I see are that parents expect their kids to grow up too fast, either because they don’t have time to be responsible parents or, worse, because they are too distracted by their own activities.

Children may be barely into puberty, but they ought to act like adults? We give them things instead of companionship, as though an iPod, a cell phone, a laptop, a video game or a new car were enough to make any child happy and well-behaved. We define “good enough” too narrowly, which may sound familiar to any parent who thinks that the only good university is an Ivy League one. It’s an unfortunate understandable urge that us Baby boomers know too well.

We are part of a population change, facing competition for everything from college admission to Social Security dollars, and we want to make sure our kids will have an advantage. We’re old enough to know that life isn’t fair, yet we scramble for the edge in amusing ways; some parents hold their children back from kindergarten out of genuine concern for their developmental readiness, while others do it as part of a long-term strategy for success, figuring that the extra year’s maturity will translate into better grades. Life is measured in hits and misses, making it far too easy for our children to feel like failures. We set out-of-reach standards of personal behavior; for too many parents, there are no misdemeanors, only felonies. Some frequently punish by turning their backs on their kids– by denying troubled children the very support and affection they probably need. Parents are afraid to be parents. Parents are afraid to take that step of support for fear their child will no longer love them. Parents fear their child getting help and being healthy when they themselves are struggling emotionally. Parents who reject their difficult children fail to recognize that the kids often feel out of control and want a guiding hand.

The middle class may be able to provide all of the good life, but the soulful shell is fairly empty in many cases. Parents condemn members of the helping professions for everything from over medicating to over-diagnosis. In many cases I agree that it has gotten out of hand. Labels are not good and are not needed when dealing with a troubled teen. Not every kid who has a sullen afternoon requires professional help, unless, of course, the parents want a quick fix. And believe me, there is no quick fix. A quick fix is a provocative idea, and a troubling one. However, what was happening in the 1970's with troubled teens is not all that different than what is happening today. Kids today are still thrill-seeking, are still using drugs and drinking, are still sexually active. One girl I recently assisted reminisces about a drug-induced evening when a guy was threatening to kill her with a broken beer bottle if she didn’t have sex with him. She never told her parents abut the party or the experience, and of course she was acting out at home, and yes, she used drugs to deaden the pain of her emotions. She was labeled as a troubled teen.

She isolated from her parents, stayed in her room, spent hours on the computer talking in chat rooms to others about her experience. Did she need help? Yes. Did she get it? Finally, after her emotions went into full blown depression. Three months later her parents had her in treatment.

Just in time. She was planning on suicide. They never knew. They were devastated. Is this a troubled teen? Yes, but not in the way they always seem to get labeled. There is usually a whole lot more going on that parents realize. Parents who respond to escalating problems by cutting ties to their children, makes me wonder: Did these people think they had struck a special deal with God (or whoever their higher power may be) to provide them with easy kids or they’d get to quit their parenting job? And again, not every parent can afford a residential treatment center. Who knows what kinds of help we might still be able to offer the walking wounded, in all age groups, if support programs had not fallen under the budgetary ax time and time again?

And then are those, like Dave Pelzer (A Child Called "it") whose life was so horrific as to almost defy belief. Believe me, it happens every day here in the United States. Dave did not live far from where I lived in Los Altos, California. When I read his book my heart almost stopped.

My own childhood was filled with abuse, fear of being killed on any given day, loss of my adopted mother by suicide when I was 9, sexual abuse by my adopted father, so much pain and rage.

Could I have been labeled a troubled teen? Yes, absolutely. Fortunately there was this part of me that always had eventual hope that the dark world would become clear and I would see light again and feel love. Many troubled teens are a triumph to the human spirit. Many have courage and determination. And many suffer in silence. Life has it's challenges.

Checking out as a parent is not an option.

Troubled Teen Help

Helping Parents Reach Out to Their Troubled Adolescents, Teens and Young Adults

Free Troubled Teen Help

2008-11-05T16:47:00.000-08:00

Are there really any FREE programs that help troubled teens? There is a big difference between free information, free service and actually FREE. For example - "We offer a free service of giving you information on troubled teen programs and assist you free of charge in finding the perfect program to match your ..." This is not FREE.

Please be aware, please be careful, please be diligent and take your time when contacting anyone on the Internet that says FREE. Ask a lot of questions and do not be so panicked that you agree to anything, no matter what they say. Take a breath, step back, and get a second or even third opinion. The references below, as far as I was able to determine are truly FREE, if this is truly your need.

Eagle Rock is both a school for high school age students and a professional development center for adults, particularly educators. The school is a year-round, residential, and full-scholarship school that enrolls young people ages 15-17 from around the United States in an innovative learning program with national recognition.

Help Your Troubled Teen Free E-Book

Mercy Ministries of America - We operate unique residential facilities free of charge designed to address the whole person: spiritual, physical and emotional.

Milton Hershey School - Founded in 1909 by chocolate industrialist Milton S. Hershey and his wife Catherine, Milton Hershey School (MHS) is a home and school located in Hershey, PA. MHS serves children in financial and social need by providing them education, housing, food, medical and psychological health care, recreation opportunities, and clothing with no financial obligation to the family.

Teen Challenge of the Mid-South

Teen Help Provider Directory

The Boys Town National Hotline is a 24-hour crisis, resource and referral line especially for kids and parents.

The Focus Adolescent Services Helpline is an information and referral service for families with troubled teens and is not intended as a general crisis hotline.

The goal of By Parents-For Parents is to share information on parenting teens.

This site contains a free resource Solutions-Based directory for teens and adolescents along with their parents who seek help with their teens in finding drug rehab and alcohol treatment.

This is not a substitute for professional health or medical advice

Dore E. Frances, M.A., A.C.C.
Educational Consultant

Teen Pregnancy

2008-11-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

The United States has the highest rates of teen pregnancy and births in the western industrialized world.

Teen pregnancy costs the United States at least $7 billion annually. As a teen, finding out that you are pregnant is a life-changing and scary event. As a parent, finding out your teen is pregnant can both shock you and cause despair as you wonder, now what? There are a number of options you can choose from when you find out you are pregnant. You can raise the baby, place the baby for adoption, or you can have an abortion (end the pregnancy). Once you know you are indeed pregnant you will need to think about many factors to make your decision. Be sure to discuss your options with your doctor and with others that you trust. Make your decision as early as possible.When you plan to have the baby obtain prenatal care - this is vital, even if you place your baby for adoption. When you choose to raise the child be prepared for a long-term commitment and build a good support system. When you cannot raise a child but do not want to have an abortion, adoption may be a good option. In an adoption, a child legally gets new parents. A decision to have an abortion needs to be made as early as possible. The type of procedure used and some of the risks involved depend on how long you have been pregnant. The earlier a woman has an abortion, the safer it is.

Abortion is a very personal decision. With both adoption and abortion you may experience a mixture of feelings that may last for a long time. Counseling can help you come to terms with this decision. The effects of teen pregnancy can be difficult to cope with. The decision to raise the child, place the child for adoption, or have an abortion may be very hard for you to make. The sooner you seek advice and help, the better.

There are residential programs available for pregnant teens. These programs serve adolescents in need of a loving & nurturing environment during their time of pregnancy & beyond.

These programs include a home for expectant mothers and a facility to care for new mothers and their child after birth

When you know of someone needing our assistance, or are personally in need, please contact us immediately for a completely confidential assessment of your needs and our capabilities.

HORIZON FAMILY SOLUTIONS

Dore Frances, M.A., A.C.C.

Independent Educational Consultant

Family Coach

Welcome to the rest of your life

2008-11-02T08:32:00.000-08:00

Be thankful and appreciative for what you have.

Many families are in the process of redefining expectations about what it means to be thankful for what the currently have. I have lived a life firmly ensconced in the American middle class, a life shaped by education, professional jobs and self employed to where I live a comfortable lifestyle. I live in that space where people work hard, pay their bills (mostly) on time, live in houses (I rent) they can afford, and work to save a little bit every month. Thankfully, I have not needed the net of social services, and I also do not envy the lifestyles of the rich and famous.

I have mostly been content.

After all, my life has followed a pattern of being able to stay self employed, I rent a nice house and have office space, I have a nice car (2001 Solara with 45,000 miles), and yes, I do admit to a sense of entitlement about being comfortable. Like a lot of people however, that safety has been rocked a bit this year. I have felt angry, frustrated and even a little bit scared. And I suspect many others have as well. To say "it is not fair" and whine, when I work so hard - when I have done everything right, just serves no purpose. Now I am making more conservative choices, avoiding risks, and keeping myself feeling safe. Even after Sept. 11 (9/11), when the world became a scarier place, I was not overly concerned.

A sense of "normal" was so far out of whack for me anyway, as my daughter had just entered her residential boarding school on Feb. 10, 2001. So, what was normal returned very quickly for me, even though flying has never been the same. Now things are crumbling around a lot of families.

Thank goodness I have a home office and my family and parent coaching center is right upstairs, so I do not commute. I know that Medicare and Social Security will not offer me what they did to my grandparents. What I am hearing is, kids asking, "what should I do now?"

Their parents who have gone through life with a sense of balance tell them to stop worrying about things they cannot control. Good advice. However, the parents are wondering how they are going to regain their financial fate. They are wondering how they make sure that their family is financially safe. Adults remember that others have lived through hard times. Many of us grew up hearing first hand accounts of life during the Great Depression when homelessness and hunger were real problems for many. (Not to say it is not a real problem now). To survive back then, everyone in the family learned to do with less, took care of themselves and helped others when they could. When times improved, they lived with a renewed appreciation of abundance.

And who remembers the recession in the 1970's when inflation and unemployment were historically high, gas lines were facts of life (I was an even number), and we drank powered milk because not everyone could afford the real stuff. I know there are many parents today worried about money, their jobs and if they will be able to afford Christmas presents. Some parents are keeping this from their kids. So those kids who have no idea feel secure and still intact with their i-pods, cell phones, designer clothes and expensive skateboards. I am grateful that I am not drinking powered milk, but I think we are all learning some lessons about living within our means. Many of us need to re-prioritize our spending around groceries and will be taking far less weekend getaways. Life has changed in some fundamental ways for many families. This is a time to refocus on what is important instead of what is next on the list of living life beyond our means.

And kids need to be doing the same. Use cash instead of credit cards, and when it's gone, it's gone. Shop for what you need instead of what you want. Focus on paying bills, and anything left over will go into savings. Share what you can because there are others hurting worse than you. Doing this, and involving your kids, will help you all to rediscover what it means to be grateful for what you have and appreciate it longer. The moment you realize that life can, and does, change in an instant is a profound moment in the journey of life.

Dore E. Frances, M.A., A.C.C.

Founder, Horizon Family Solutions, LLC

Let’s Face It ….

2008-11-01T20:33:00.000-07:00

There is not much you can do as a parent until your teen is properly motivated. No parenting technique, approach, talk, or change on your part will work until your teen is motivated to listen to and follow your directions. Most teens don’t lack the ability to connect to their parents or follow rules, they simply lack the motivation to do so.

When it comes to parenting teens today, you can never have too much information and that is exactly what I will be offering on this blog as well as on my website www.troubledteenhelp.com.

I will be writing articles about Teen Health; Education; Troubled Teens; Teen Drug Abuse; Tips For Parenting Teens; and Other Teen Issues. I encourage all parents to offer their comments, opinions, questions and suggestions as well as share their own experiences with any of the topics here. I would also like to hear what parents of teens would like to see written here. So feel free to contact to post and let us know what you think of the blog.

Dore E. Frances, M.A, A.C.C.

Troubled Teen Help

Kids, Parents and the BlackBerry / Smart-Phone

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Educational Consultants supporting parents and professionals assisting troubled teens and young adults

TroubledTeenHelp.com offers Educational Consulting and otherspecialized services to parents and professionals.Online since 2001

Meeting the Needs Of Young Adults

Horizon Family SolutionsDore E. Frances, M.A.Educational Consultant(866) 833-6911(541) 312-4422

Have a Question? Get an Answer!

Email me your question - add "Advice Needed" in the subject line - dore@dorefrances.com

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This is not a substitute for professional health or medical advice

Teen Pregnancy

HORIZON FAMILY SOLUTIONS

Dore Frances, M.A., A.C.C.

Independent Educational Consultant

Family Coach

Welcome to the rest of your life

Let’s Face It ….

TroubledTeenHelp.com offers Educational Consulting and other
specialized services to parents and professionals.

Online since 2001

Horizon Family Solutions
Dore E. Frances, M.A.
Educational Consultant
(866) 833-6911
(541) 312-4422