Heidi's Old Dirty Blog

I’ve made a terrible mistake.

2010-12-06T11:22:00.001-08:00

But, I hope to recover victoriously.

I know what everyone’s thinking. First, yes I have lost weight, thanks for noticing! And, I realize my url is just about the worst ever. At least that’s what you’re thinking, which is a horrible exaggeration. mysphinctersonfire.blogspot.com would be the worst url ever.

Anyways, I have officially moved my blog over to http://itsheidisblog.blogspot.com/.

Check it out, follow me, subscribe to me, and hug me. I could use a hug.

Fire Pants

2010-12-06T08:10:00.000-08:00

Being a successful liar is extremely important.

Tips on Lying

· Create lie before hand

· Keep it short and sweet

· Change the subject

· Don’t repeat yourself

· If you smile and they ask why, say you’re were thinking of a funny thing your fish did that morning.

· If you’re caught, don’t apologize, shrug your shoulders and continue the conversation

· DON’T DO ALL THE TALKING. Listen, probe the person to continue talking, continue to listen

· Try to keep the lying to a minimum, only do it when you really need to.

UPDATE: If the lie you are trying to pass off as truth is exceptionally large, it helps if you start believing that is the truth as well. You have to believe your own lie. (This will also help protect against guilt)

Wednesday

2010-12-06T07:30:00.000-08:00

Oh no! Where's BB?

How's everyone celebrating the immaculate conception? I'm going to dress Harry up as Mary and pretend he's suddenly pregnant by placing a ball underneath his onesie. Then I'm going to ridicule him for being an unwed mother and not paying his taxes.

Lightly Salted

2010-12-03T12:38:00.000-08:00

It’s a good thing if people think you really would strip in a warehouse for charity because that means they think you have sexy bod and a big heart.

Wood Baby

Chain Mail

2010-12-03T07:27:00.000-08:00

If you don't subscribe to my blog you will have bad luck for 8 days.

CHAINMAIL

Oily Fish

2010-12-03T07:13:00.000-08:00

Last night was Jon the fiancé’s Cartoonist Conspiracy night, Harry the baby was with his Grandma, so Heidi of course was at the bar. The sushi bar that is. Hamachi nigiri is the closest to eating a slice of butter I can get while staying health conscious. I love oily fish. The sushi man said, I’ll get you another oily fish, and then he took off his pants. Not really! He’d be fired and he wouldn’t want to risk his job because he’s worked there for seven years and says he “rests his hat” there. This is the level of intimacy I achieve with those around me when I go anywhere alone.

A Friend of Jon's at Cartoonist Conspiracy

Speaking of intimacy, there were two young women sitting next to me and I could not help but eavesdrop because it’s basically my favorite activity. I’m listening, drinking my sake, drawing a picture of a person with a cluster headache*. Then they bring up getting nails done and I decide this is the perfect time to intrude on their chat. A pleasant intrusion, I’m sure they would refer to me as.

We get to talking, I ask one if she did end up cheating on Marcus (again, I’m an excellent eavesdropper) and she adamantly replied that she never did because he’s a beautiful person. After asking these two strangers a few more very intimate questions we get to talking about me writing. They ask what I’ve been writing about, I pretend to be talking to the sushi chef. Unfortunately he was looking away, so they kept at me. Finally I had to show them, and this is where I think I began to lose them. The last sentence I had scratched said, “Dolphin Slasher Film.”

Seeing the frightened looks on their faces, I try to do the whole “my uncle’s gay!” thing saying just that afternoon I had instructed any followers of my blog to not kill any puppies.

Women I now know intimately: Oh yeah, like at the humane society.

Me(an intimate friend of those women): No like kill-kill.

WINKI: Oh, like Michael Vick.

M(IFW): No! I mean he was making money off those fights. I mean like, taking a puppy and stabbing it.

While I said that last part I mimed taking a puppy and stabbing it.

Then I wrote them a note letting them know we were friends now and sushi ended.

*A person with a cluster headache is smiling on one side of there face (always stay positive, glass half full) and the other side has liquid oozing out of everywhere. If you’ve ever had a cluster headache, you’ll agree that’s exactly what happens.

Hey, here's a link! This song, more than any other, makes me miss JonnyCakes.

http://www.myspace.com/video/vid/7773870

Cute Guy

2010-12-02T11:11:00.000-08:00


Cute Guy by Jon Reiss

Heidi: Look at my new artwork.

Boss: Who’s that?

Heidi: It’s Guy.

Boss: Cute Guy?

Heidi: Cute Guy.

Good News, Bad News

2010-12-02T08:32:00.000-08:00

When everything’s going right, you’re probably going to assume you’re about to die. Or maybe your husband is going to die. Or your baby will take a joy ride in your car with your cats and won’t be able to operate a manual very easily (short legs/arms) and they’ll total it and your cats will need their paws amputated.

This is because if everything is going so well something must be about to go wrong.

Well, guess what. Something is in the process of going terribly wrong, the horrible - all humans will die - kind of wrong.

For my fellow followers of Science Daily News (www.sciencedaily.com), this blog will come as no surprise to you. In fact, you probably already wrote this blog and now you’re in the process of sending me the paw of a dead puppy because you think I’m plagiarizing you. I’m going to start off by saying, easy now – this is nothing to kill a puppy over.. and now I’m going to go back to why we should all fear for our lives.

Thin Air: Oxygen Atmosphere Found on Saturn's Moon Rhea

Saturn: The Planet

ScienceDaily (Nov. 30, 2010) — NASA's Cassini spacecraft has detected a very tenuous atmosphere known as an exosphere, infused with oxygen and carbon dioxide around Saturn's icy moon Rhea. This is the first time a spacecraft has directly captured molecules of an oxygen atmosphere -- albeit a very thin one -- at a world other than Earth.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/11/101128222041.htm

This can only mean that (A) Aliens exist, (B) Those aliens need less oxygen than us, (C) They can survive in lower temperatures than us, and (D) They are stronger and probably faster and maybe even prettier than us. What do A, B, C and D mean? We are boners. Goners, I meant we are goners. But Boner and Goner are just one letter apart, slip of the index finger, I swear.

Saturn: The Car

Hold on though, don’t look so down! There is an upside. Your husband may not die in his sleep tonight! So, you can quite holding onto the front of his shirt while looking at him fearfully, saying, ‘Please, please don’t die, I need you!’ before you go to bed each night.

And you can probably quit taping your infants to their cribs and cats to the couches because babies would never steal a manual car, it’s almost impossible to light a cigarette, or blunt (depends on the baby) while shifting gears.

A Drawing of Stretcher Lock-Ass

2010-12-01T14:24:00.000-08:00

Ended up being a drawing of a Stretcher Lock-Assembly. Sorry guys, I was disappointed too.

Resolving Conflicts (at work!)

2010-12-01T09:31:00.000-08:00

When a coworker is upset about something, the best response is usually the simple question, “Why don’t you cry about it?”

Maybe I will!

Cuter than a Penny

2010-11-30T12:12:00.000-08:00

Are you my mommy?

Oh heavens, that is the most adorable embryonic short-tailed opossum my eyes have ever seen. I want to lick it clean while cooing.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/11/101129203346.htm#

I did not exactly "read" the article. Who has the time? Sum it up for me, would you?

And before you leave comments asking: Yes, of course I saved that picture as Marsoup.

UPDATE: As in Marsoupial. Get it? And yes, little one is asking the penny if it is his mother.

UPDATE 2: I'm assuming it's a boy because if it was a girl it would have a bow glued to her head. Like this:

Bow Glued Head of Baby Heidi

See? Glued.

War! Sex! Yogurt!

2010-11-30T09:39:00.000-08:00

Work is so busy right now it takes me over an hour to eat my yogurt. My honey flavored GREEK yogurt because I want 2 times the protein of the leading yogurt.

It would be hard enough if I was working with something I was able to read but alas, I am illiterate. At least I’m illiterate when it comes to Hebrew.

Raisins: Good Snack, Smells Like Tobacco

I really need that cute break that comes at noon when I walk around and jerk on some beef. Translation: Eat beef jerky.

Oh Rats!

2010-11-29T14:42:00.000-08:00

Pets are great to write about. People can identify with the love that is shared between a pet and the pet’s human. The grief that comes with burying a pet is also an emotional memory many can feel alongside the writer. Wrapping your beloved pet rat, Olivia, in a beautiful silk scarf and then placing her in the dumpster of your apartment is probably not something many people would be able to share with me. I still remember that day, her little pink tongue sticking out of her mouth and her little curling claws. Even dead she was cute enough to kiss, though the smell ultimately stopped me from even considering it.

Eviction

2010-11-29T08:36:00.000-08:00

A year ago today, I woke up with horrible back pain. I tried stretching and cracking it but nothing helped. Every few minutes something made my stomach feel like it was shrinking into itself. It hurt so bad I would have to squeeze something as hard as I could. The pain was so intense I was unable to think or speak or do anything. But then it would go away.

I used the ladies room and hmm… this isn’t normal. Did my water break?

Call nurse line.

Ring ring.

Nurse answers.

Hi, I think my water broke. Maybe? What’s it like? Did my water break? My contractions are five minutes apart.

You need to go to the hospital. A doctor will be calling you shortly.

No, I don’t think I need to go to the hospital yet. Thank you.

I jiggle Sam the rat around a little bit. He sits on my belly, whisker twitching and sweater chewin. Don’t chew my sweater, SamFace!

Sam in Flight

Ring ring.

It’s the doc!

Did my water break?

I don’t know, go to the hospital.

Hmmm… I don’t know if I have to. I’ll wait and see.

Go to the hospital.

Ok, I just need to… do some things.

Text big (huge) sister.

I cook breakfast, a big breakfast because once you’re admitted you get no food. Women cannot have any food in their body if a cesarean becomes necessary.

Round

Now I need to put my face on. Must look pretty for my big day.

F-ing Hackers

2010-11-27T11:26:00.000-08:00

I have only had my blog for a couple days and hacked, it is.

If I was not so busy gazing at my new bedazzled finger, I would be angry.

I'm a serious blogger with a lot of depth and wit. Poop.

Poop has nothing to do with my depth and wit!

Maybe a little.

But not enough to mention.

Especially publicly!

Man oh man.

I must be off now, I need to put together my son's birthday music mix.

Partridge Family, Elvis, Beastie Boys, all his favorites.

Best one-year-old ever!

The best year of my life.

So far.

Ha-Wink!

Food Drive

2010-11-24T12:05:00.001-08:00

Eating a can of soup for lunch usually wouldn’t be such a big problem for me, or potential problem, as it is today. It’s not the sodium I’m worried about, and you shouldn’t be worried either. I always pick out the low sodium. I know any amount of weight gain would have unfavorable effects on my social standing. I have made an effort to teach my infant son, Harry, this valuable lesson, but the flashcards do not seem to be getting through to him.

The problem is the food drive I put together. It ended today, and after coming back from the food shelf to drop off everyone’s very thoughtful donations, I then opened a can of soup to eat myself. What’s to stop anyone from assuming I did not take a few, or all, of the food donations to my house? It’s more likely I would have brought only about half of the food to my house and left a few cans in my desk at work. I also noticed there were granola bars, so I probably would have kept a couple in my purse and glove compartment of my car.

Making this even more problematic is the fact I “forcefully” insisted upon my bringing the donations to STEP, the food shelf in St. Louis Park, on my own. I use quotations around forcefully because I would not go so far as to say I demanded I do it alone in a threatening manner, but that’s how the event was documented by my employer’s Human Resources Department.

Sad Cafe

2010-11-24T06:52:00.000-08:00

After I posted my first blog yesterday, I immediately sunk into a deep depression. I had to lie on the floor for twenty minutes, pitying myself. I knew what my next blog, the one I’ll write tomorrow which is the one I’m writing today, as in this blog right here, would say. It went and goes something like this:

I don’t have any followers. It’s because I’m not funny and no one likes me. At least, that’s what my fiancé Jon told me. He didn’t tell me straight out, but I could tell by the way he slept last night he believes that just reading my blog gave him a brain tumor because he probably believes boredom breeds tumors.

But then as soon as I completed that paragraph he said look at your blog, and it turned out I already had a follower.

Why is he trying to destroy me?

Why is the man, who supposedly loves me, trying to expose me as a liar to all my loyal blog followers. Never has "Sad Cafe" written and performed by the Eagles, ever felt so true.

For a peep into my soul, click the link below. Don’t worry if you have not yet memorized the lyrics, arizona3433 was nice enough to add them to the video.

http://espanol.video.yahoo.com/watch/8277941/22058470

Born with It

2010-11-23T11:31:00.000-08:00

Part of the reason I’m writing this blog is because I enjoy connecting with others. I don’t mean to mow my own lawn, but I have fairly acute people skills.

I had an interview with a company who specializes in reverse engineering, and I intuitively knew I should not ask if they had the capability to reverse engineer a body part, specifically a widdo bagina. I say widdo bagina because I also knew this was not the kind of interview where I could come right out and say “little vagina”.

Attention, Please.

2010-11-23T08:54:00.000-08:00

I would be flattered to have my security photo leaked by TSA. Especially if it was what I would consider a bad photo. I’d say, “Oh my, and I don’t even look that good there!” (you’d say to yourself, dear god what does she look like usually!?) but then my smiling face would turn serious and I would say, quietly, “I am outraged.” For the money! The money I would get from my lawsuit. So flawless I’m practically getting goosebumps.

Sadly, I was born with a strange birth defect in the majority of my hair follicles making my skin incapable of producing goosebumps. To me, goosebumps, or goosepimples as gross people say, are obscure and almost surreal.

I feel so blessed to have obtained this URL, I was certain it would already have been taken. Though I’ve always considered myself religious, though not spiritual, it’s moments like these, sitting here on my brand new blog, http://itsmyblogmyblobmyblogittyblogblooooog.blogspot.com/ , I’m reminded why. As in why I’m religious. That was a confusing sentence. Wow, embarrassing. This whole blog thing makes me feel so exposed. Also I’m not wearing a shirt.