Metroville

Meet Me at Tumblr

2011-06-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

This place is dead, anyway.

'Junior 2: Paternity Suit'

2011-05-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

Good luck blaming this one on DeVito, ya jackwagon.

The Ballad of John Demjanjuk

2011-05-12T04:10:00.000-07:00

[opening guitar strum]Gather 'round and let me tell you the story of John Demjanjuk--Ah, forget this. I can't rhyme anything with "Demjanjuk"; I'm not even sure how it's pronounced. But the dude apparently had a hand in killing like 28,000 people during the Holocaust. He's going to prison.[closing guitar strum]

Ding, Dong (Etc.)

2011-05-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

Nicely done, Mr. President.Producing a falsely-doubted birth certificate and a highly-desired corpse makes for one hell of a week.

BEAT THIS HEADLINE:

2011-03-08T13:05:00.000-08:00

"NPR Exec Caught On Tape Calling Tea Partiers 'Racist'"I got one:"Fish-Lizards Caught On Shore Like A Billion Years Ago Calling Sky 'Blue'"

Can't Believe Buckles Buckled...

2011-02-28T03:10:00.000-08:00

There is no reason for a perfectly healthy 110-year-old American war hero to die other than the stress that comes from realizing that the current U.S. President is less than one hundred-percent Caucasian.Name me one other reason, you freedom-hating hippie liberals!

You Guys Read the Internet?

2011-01-17T07:05:00.000-08:00

Me too! I even have a blog: [URL NOT FOUND]You follow professional sports? Me too! I happen to have a preference for Boston-based teams, including (but not limited to) the football squad that recently got their (gorgeous) teeth kicked in by one from New Jersey! (No, not that one--the one with the head coach who mistakenly thinks that he can bury his self-loathing under a pile of fried foods,

U.S. Male

2011-01-09T06:30:00.000-08:00

FROM: John Hinckley, Jr.TO: Jared Lee LoughnerWhat the hell, dude? I was just trying to impress a famous girl I thought was pretty. I didn't make it political.FROM: Jared Lee LoughnerTO: John Hinckley, Jr.Neither did I.

You Know Who Hates Good Actors? Mortality.

2011-01-03T07:05:00.000-08:00

That sumbitch just took from us Pete Postlethwaite--the spelling of whose surname I memorized after seeing In the Name of the Father in 1993 and haven't forgotten since.

"Ex-Massage Therapist's Rampage" Is Now a Phrase on the Books

2010-12-15T06:40:00.000-08:00

Thanks, MSNBC, for making that happen.And thank you more, ex-massage therapist who went on a gun rampage at a school board meeting in Panama City, FL, for failing to hit anyone you shot at--which otherwise would have made the phrase "ex-massage therapist's rampage" not so funny.Thank you less for eventually taking your own life--which is never funny.Nice save, "Today Show"! You felt the need to

Is New York City Actually "Gotham City" and Batman Therefore Real?

2010-10-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

Batman has got to be real. Otherwise, there would be no explanation for the existence of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino--whose mind-boggling hate speech could only reasonably be credited to a 'Penguin'-esque fictional supervillain.Disagree? The next two things you'd tell me would be (1) "the first black American President has a shot at a second term" and (2) "heavily-sponsored

Metroville's Movie Corner: Did I or Did I Not See 'Inception'?

2010-07-14T05:35:00.000-07:00

I did.No, I didn't.Or did I?Never mind that. What matters is that you think Christopher Nolan is a self-important douchebag--Or is he?Yes, he is.What? No. How dare you.Or don't I dare you?What else were you going to do this weekend--clip your toenails while chasing down the deadbeats in your fantasy World Cup Soccer league?Just go see Inception and forget about all that.But also don't forget

Celebrated Sports Person Does Thing; Mortals Angry, Happy, Sad

2010-07-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

LeBron James used an hour of television on Thursday night to announce to the world what everybody already knew: that he is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers and signing with the Miami Heat.Sorry, Cleveland fans. Bully for you, Miami fans (and watch out for that drug dealer!--ah, too late).Everybody else? Shame on us a little bit for paying as much attention as we did to this vacuous charade.

Quitting the KKK Is a Death Sentence

2010-06-28T03:35:00.000-07:00

It might take 60 years or so--as was the case with West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd--but eventually the Klan will have their revenge. No snitchin', whiteys. (And possibly no backsies.)

'Small Wonder' Is Back!

2010-06-24T02:35:00.000-07:00

And she got pregnant out of wedlock when she was 17! And she was briefly engaged to the meathead who knocked her up on orders of the GOP in a desperate attempt on their part to blush over the latent hypocrisy of her biological state as it compared to the religious-fanatic, "sex is scary and gross"/"family first"-and-whatnot party line but she ended up not having to marry that guy (who now sells

Beat On that Red Sox Mickey Mouse All You Want, Anaheimans...

2010-06-22T22:50:00.000-07:00

Those futile swings won't bring your prop-board shantytown any closer to being an actual city (like, say...the one from which your baseball team embarrassingly pretends to be).[OC Register via Deadspin]

Cloo

2010-06-22T04:10:00.000-07:00

I consider myself something of an amateur detective. Having concluded that the Van der Sloot boy's claim of innocence holds merit, I demand that he be released at o--*killed by Van der Sloot*

Rap(e)id Fire

2010-06-04T01:10:00.000-07:00

Now the Celtics know how it feels to be a hotel employee in Eagle, Colorado.

Who Created 'Trivial Pursuit' and Is Now Dead?

2010-06-02T06:25:00.000-07:00

"Chris Hanley" is your answer? Are you sure?Well, you're wrong: The man's name was actually Chris Haney. Now on to the next--What? No... "Hanley" and "Haney" are two completely distinct words. Plus, it was for a pie piece...Fuck you, I'm "cheating"! Don't bring Aunt Kathy into this! How about we have one fucking year where Thanksgiving isn't totally fucking ruined?!(table flip)

Stay Classy, San Diego Clippers*

2010-06-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

*Which they will, despite not having existed for the last twenty-six years...at least in contrast to their current city's big sister team, if Los Angeles Times sportswriter Ted Green is any indication of the Lakers' level of class.Wrote Green of the Celtics' Paul Pierce (who miraculously survived a violent attack on his life in 2000): "Pierce's idea of a fun night is going clubbing and getting

Maybe I Don't Understand Major League Baseball Rules (And Maybe I Don't Care)

2010-05-19T02:05:00.000-07:00

What, exactly, was Yankees manager Joe Girardi complaining about on Tuesday night after my sad-sack Red Sox scraped out a win against their vastly superior (this season to date) AL East rivals?Something about Manny Delcarmen taking too much time to warm up in preparation to relieve one of the Red Sox's five godawful (this season to date) starting pitchers? Something about one of those pitchers,

Catholic Church: Boy-Diddling Priests Aren't Pedophiles--Just Filthy Homos

2010-03-31T23:15:00.000-07:00

Organized religion ain't my thing, but I know many good people who are into it. A lot of them are Catholic (I was raised in the PepsiCo of faiths myself)...and I feel very bad for any of those folks who might've caught Bill Donohue's appearance on "Larry King Live" Wednesday night and his unfathomable defense of the latest pedophilia scandal:If a boy that is molested by a priest has reached

See You in Health

2010-03-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

On Sunday night, after a hundred years or so, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a sweeping health care reform bill, sending it to President Obama's desk to be signed into law."Sweeping", of course, is a relative term, as the bill in question includes a number of compromises from its original intent--'cause politics totally rule--but insuring tens of millions of Americans who previously had

Corey Haim Is Dead

2010-03-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

Now let us all 1980s'-nostalgia-fueled hipsters commence pretending that we didn't see this coming ten years ago nor were we making jokes about it.

One Rapist Short = One Point Short

2010-02-18T22:40:00.000-08:00

Yay, Celtics.(Now, if only Kobe Bryant were out forever and you guys weren't so old and busted, I'd feel good about your theoretical-postseason chances.)