Milk- The Silent Killer

Holidays- The Horrible Truth

2006-12-28T21:49:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year- overeating, overdrinking, oversleeping and pretty much overdoing everything that's bad for you. Yes, the holiday season is upon us in all of it's fury and we are once again caught up in it's throes. In America, the holidays are like a kettle that's placed upon an ever-increasing flame starting at Thanksgiving, brought to a whistling boil at Christmas and allowed to percolate through the new year, at which point the kettle is hurled out the window.

It all begins with the after-Thanksgiving sales: after our yearly worship of gluttony, companies prod you to indulge your lavish side on crappy gifts that the people you're buying them for probably don't even need or want. Does your Aunt really need another pair of slippers? Are you sure your nephew wants an E-Z-Bake oven? It doesn't matter: they're on sale, and so you will buy them. We stress over gifts for a month, worrying that we're getting the perfect thing for someone when in actuality they'll stuff it in a closet for a year before they pass it on or they return it (but only for store credit!).

If you don't celebrate Christmas, there's still room for you in the gift-buying season. It doesn't matter if you're Jewish or you worship an obscure Norse pantheon; somewhere, someone is having a "pre-Ragnarok" sale. It's not as if Christmas is a religious holiday; not really, anymore. Oh sure, there will be someone who puts out a "Jesus is the reason for the season" bumper sticker: that person will then take the proceeds from the sales of those and put them towards XBoxes and soft cardigan sweaters.

The tumult continues unabated for a month, everyone swept up as if in a rolling ball of pure consumerism that rolls into a mall, rumbles around, and then rolls out covered in gift cards. Not that you have to endure the people who are semi-decent to each other in the spirit of the season: You can avoid all of the cheery decorations by ordering your gifts online.

Then, on December 24th, all is quiet. The dust settles in empty shopping malls. NORAD tracks "Santa", which is actually just a spy satellite decorated with a little tinsel. All is calm, except for those parents who attempt to deceive their children about Mr. Klaus by wrapping and assembling all of their presents the night before.

Then, the shutters fly open and a man yells out to the Cockney lad, "What day is it?" and he shifts his weight from one patchworn shoe to the other and yells back "Whoy eet's Christmas daye!" The children run downstairs, tumbling over each other and ignoring their fracture wounds to get to the tree to open the toys that will be obsolete by the next year. Tired parents torture their kids by making them wait until after breakfast to open the shiny, shiny gifts. Then, it's time for all to enjoy their ill-gotten goods. Look, it's a Galgatron for Jimmy! Oh, he wanted the Galgatron X with the extreme lasers. And Sally gets a gift card to an office supply store because she didn't make a Christmas list. Dad gets a handmade card from his kids, which is plenty of recompense for the loads of debt he went into this season, and mom gets another sweater that doesn't fit. Grandma and Grandpa are oohing and aahing over the gifts and are just happy to be included, even though nobody got them anything or even really acknowledge their existence. Then, it's a huge meal and everyone hurries off to their individual rooms to enjoy their gifts without the others annoying them.

This may sound a little...bitter, perhaps? Maybe, but isn't that what the season is all about- anger and frustration? Okay, perhaps not, but I'm trying to end on an upbeat note:

How about the fact that many people celebrate not only the commercial side of Christmas, but also genuinely care for their families and look at the holidays as a time to come together?

How about snow? Everyone loves snow who doesn't have to deal with shoveling it.

Eggnog made with a little too much rum so that Uncle Gene tells you about that hooker he picked up? Dazzling strings of lights that urge you to convert or be roasted in the flames of Hell forever? Families going a-caroling in period garb and then asking for something called "figgy pudding" which sounds a bit lewd? That one Chinese food place that's the only place open on Christmas day?

How about the saddest Christmas tree ever? How about that, Charlie Brown?

Advice to bloggers

2006-12-18T23:16:00.000-08:00

I am, I realize, the paragon of blogging reliability, apart from an unannounced 5-month hiatus that was punctuated by my wife stating that I hadn't updated the blog in x number of days. Then she would shake her head sadly and only by focusing really hard on whatever unconstructive activity I was doing was I able to squelch the Voices of Guilt in my head, who not surprisingly sound like my mother. After all, how could I let down my legions of fans who depended on this blog for a daily laugh?

Then I remembered, there are no legions; at least, if there are, they are fans of the hilarious Milk- Delicious Cow Mammary Fluids blog which I am not associated with. (Not since the...unpleasantness).

Regardless of where I've been or who I've been doing, I am back now with the intent of producing the finest blog-based content available. To that end, I am now drawing upon my vast experience of something like 20 blogs in 3 years. With those kind of credentials, I should write a book: because I am lazy, I will bullet point a few things I have learned.

Blogging is hard to do on a daily basis- Even if you discount the fact that you need an idea every day, the day-to-day struggles of life make it difficult. With fine television comedies and dramas and many delicious chocolately options available, as well as a marked improvement in sofa "cushiness", I predict blogging will slowly die out over the next 2-4 months. Please note that I also predicted that 60's styles would be making a comeback this year. On an unrelated topic, if you know anyone that wants to buy a tie-die machine, message me.
No matter what you blog about, you will gravely insult one of the major world religions. With this bullet point, I have offended them all.
Advertising your blog is a useless endeavor- you are only advertising to spammers who will fill your comments with things like "I really agree with you on the subject of plush toys vs. rubber ones. If you would like to know more about my blog about great stock tips, visit me!" The best way to advertise your blog is to pretend that you are someone famous, like George Bush, Ralph Waldo Emerson, or the lead singer of Led Zepplin. As long as you sound like them from time to time, nobody will ever know that you're not them. (Examples: "The Axis of Evil, nucular", "She's buying a stairway to heaven", "Hey, I'm all philosophical up in here, because I am Ralph Waldo Emerson")
If you can't write a lot of words, at least have a lot of links to Myspace profiles, web cartoons, and YouTube videos. Note: People may not return to your blog if you link them other places, especially if those other places have free porn. Because, hey, free porn.
Updating consistently and reliably is the best way to cultivate a thriving community discussion on your blog. Moving on....
A political blog is a great way to get loudmouth jerks to argue endlessly in your comment section. They are drawn to such discussions like snakes to a Snake Attractor 2000. To have fun with them, vehemently argue one side, then the other. This will confuse them long enough for you to delete all of their comments.
Beautiful backgrounds and pictures will really spice up your blog and make it more attractive to people. If your blog does not take at least 1o minutes to load, add more dancing hamsters.
If nobody is commenting on your posts, feel free to create multiple accounts and post on your own blog. Eventually, you will create an entire world of fake characters, and your skewed sense of reality will warp what is true with your deceitful creations, utterly destroying everything you are. On second thought, do not do this.
Blogging will ultimately lead you a more fulfilled person with a large group of friends from around the world who will want to sleep on your couch when they come in from out of town.

There you go. There's probably more there, somewhere, but frankly, it's going to take a large book advance (or lack of blog topic) to get it out of me.

Diz-nee-land

2006-07-24T14:34:00.000-07:00

Updating this blog is so passe, or so I was told. Then I realized it wasn't.

Actually, the real reason I haven't posted is because I've been held prisoner against my will in a foreign land. My nights were spent in wailing horror and my days in a wallowing solitude.

I was held at the Disneyland Main Street Jail. The jailor was that demon himself, Mickey, and a heavy crop he wielded, and painful.

But enough of that- I'm here to describe that "Magic" Kingdom to folks who have never visited the place (With the Disney Relocation Plan, that will soon be remedied, by the way).

As an overview, Disneyland is the realization of a dream, which is immediately and effectively absorbed by children, and somewhat more cynically viewed by adults. It's the world as viewed through a brightened lens, in which the soils of our world are stripped away and the resulting remnant is the ideal of a half-century ago. That is to say, Disneyland takes us back to a 50's ideal, and makes boatloads of money in the process.

Case in point is Main Street, U.S.A., the first section of the park in which colorful storefronts line a street of dreams that is perpetually celebrating the 4th of July. Horse-drawn carriages ride triuphantly down the road and double decker buses toot their horns gaily. The entire scene is incredibly appealing and bears about as much reality to any main street in any town in the US as the world of Mary Poppins does to the UK. Still, it's an appealing fantasy and one could easily get lost in it. Apparently, Mickey and his friends have moved to the town, because they wander around hugging children in their peculiar cephalopodic way. Bright flowers and shining fountains abound, as do humongous tourists.

What's that? Fat people? In America? If you had suggested the idea to me prior to going to Disneyland I might have vehemently disagreed with you. But after...well, the evidence abounds. That is not to say that I dislike or loathe them, but there's so many, and everywhere.

To be sure, Main Street does nothing to provide healthy meals for these people. The ice cream shop is next to the candy shop which itself is next to the soda fountain. One can safely assume that none of the aforementioned sell a small green salad with light dressing.

Fortunately, if you do find you've had ten too many sundaes, you can head next door to the dozens of clothing shops that will outfit you in all of your favorite clothes (provided your favorite clothes all have some sort of Disney-inspired logo on them). Are you mainstream? Go with a classic pair of Mickey ears. Are you a rebel? Don't worry, Disney will cater to your needs as well, offering apparel with all of the nefarious villians.

Once you've passed all of the shops, assuming you don't go into hyperglycemic shock, you have an important decision to make: which land within Disneyland do you visit?

In Adventureland, you visit a vast tropical jungle, without the pesky natives or malaria. Here, you can go on rides with Indiana Jones and on a boat throughout an animatronic river. "Anamatronic" is a key word that means that many of the creatures on the rides are robots rigged to move realistically, which by 1960's standards when the park was built means "jerking back and forth like a raver having a seizure". You may believe that the staff is also made up of animatronic robots, but they're real. They're just realllllly high.

Further along in Adventureland, you'll get to Tom Sawyer's Island, which has lots of fun paths to run on and things to climb and explore, making it the second least popular attraction at the park. The least is canoeing- for some reason they thought that getting into a boat with 19 heavyset people and dragging their asses around in a boat (ostensibly they should help, but unfortunately Disney axed out the guy in the back with the whip, which means there will be slackers). The waterway is very crowded as well: You have to share the river with a paddleboat and a pirate ship that make their way around. Alongside the river is a quaint representation of a New Orleans long past. There's the obvious hurricane joke, but I'm going to ignore it.

Adventureland does get some high marks for having two of the most popular rides in the park inside of it: Pirates of the Caribbean and The Haunted House. The former puts you in with a dozen other people who conveniently ignore the multiple signs stating not to use flash photography. You can get your revenge by splashing some of the river water on them, which probably is acidic enough to burn. The latter takes you through a creepy mansion full of the living dead- the perfect way to scar a child emotionally for a long time. Nonetheless, these rides, while not the fastest, are still classics. Though they should really kill someone on each of them every once in a while, just to shake things up.

In Frontierland, re-create the old west as it should have been, with spaghetti western music blaring out of speakers hidden along the well-demarcated path. Head over to Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, one of two good coasters at the park and entertain yourself by watching the man at the head of the line have a screaming child drag him off the ride. So much for your 30 minute wait, sucker!

It is fairly obvious that waiting is an integral part of the Disneyland experience. In fact, waiting patiently in line is a skill you will rapidly develop here, because you'll be doing it for everything: tickets, food, rides, bathrooms- all of them have waits, and chances are you'll be behind someone whose body odor is above reproach.

Tomorrowland takes us of the future of the 70's! Imagine that you could drive a horrendously slow car around a predefined track- well, Autopia lets you do that, today. To add insult to injury, they flash fatally unfunny jokes on a big screen, such as "Why did the auto go to the hospital? Because he was having car-diac arrest!" Put up with this long enough, and you'll experience another time honored Southern Californian driving tradition: the drive-by shooting.

If that's not enough, you can head over to the Starcade, which has all of the greatest video games in one place. I certainly know that I would be fine with my kid wanting to play some Dance Dance Revolution when I just paid 65 bucks for an admission to the park. There's the Buzz Lightyear ride, which rewards years of playing violent video games by letting you shoot at targets on the walls, and Space Mountain, a roller coaster which can be best described as "turning left really fast in the dark". Still fun, though. Star Tours is a ride where they put you into a box and shake you around, but it's a Star Wars themed ride (I bet you didn't see that coming). Sadly, Michael Jackson's 3d performance in Captain EO has long since perished from the world, and we are lessened by it.

Straight across from Main Street is Fantasyland, whose entrance is the iconic castle in all of Disney's products. Defensively, it's a poor structure, whose drawbridge doesn't even close in case of an attack by the godless heathens of Knott's Berry Farm. Inside is the idyllic medieval setting where Characters-who-have-become-Disney-products like Alice in Wonderland, Pinocchio and Sleeping Beauty dwell, and the rides bearing their name. It is here that you will find most of the parents of young children, tired and bedraggled from riding on the Mad Hatter's teacups for the fifth time. This is also the home of the Matterhorn, whose line could probably extend up the side of the real mountain.

Each land has a plethora of food and shopping options, lest you take a break from spending money like water for even a moment. Of course, each shop and restaurant has different things, so if you want that clam chowder, you're hiking over to Adventureland. See a hat you like? Better get it now, because this store is the only one that has it.

At the end of Fantasyland is the infamous 'It's a small world" ride, whose music blares like an unholy cacaphony, deafening the lucky ones, and driving the rest insane. Inside, a slow boat takes you through a myriad of nations, each singing the same song, perhaps in a hope that all people want the same thing in life; peace and joy. Then the German puppets invade the French puppets and a miniature carbomb explodes in the Isreali section.

The final land is Toontown, where Mickey and his pals really live. Everything is presented in bright, cartoony colors and is shaped perfectly for young ones, and you'll be telling yourself "Finally, something for the children." My heart could not bear to be here for too long, so I couldn't tell you much about it, but I do know one thing that resonates with truth throughout every fiber of my being: When I die and my immortal soul is judged, and weighed down by my sins here on Earth, I will be dragged to the pits of Hell for all eternity. And it will be Toontown.

So this is Disneyland. It is a refuge for that place within each of us that yearns for the good old days, when Main Street was more than just a road, when adventurers and frontiersmen were revered, when the hero saved the princess and when the future seemed to hold infinite promise. It is also a place where a bottle of water costs $3 and you are assailed at every point by mountains of cheaply-made merchandise peddled off at ridiculously high prices. Parades will serve to remind you of all the characters you loved as a child and which your child loves, but also that you can buy collectible plates with them in the store behind you. For some reason there are things called Disney Dollars which are equivalent to American dollars for fun's sake, but they are also non-transferable back to US Dollars.

This is the duality of the place: There is obviously a corporate machination here whose intent is to have legions of people swarming out of the place with mouse ears, but there's also the original intent- a place where we can go and believe again, relive our childhood again and see it through the unspoiled eyes of children, and perhaps unlock the child in all of us.

Except Toon Town. Seriously, that place sucks.

The vacationer

2006-06-28T23:08:00.000-07:00

I was looking forward to my trip, a short hop out to some sun-drenched islands reeking of humidity, icy drinks and scantily-clad girls all eager to find a rich foreigner to take them off of the sun-drenched island. I guess people who live in the tropics dream of the cold grey metropolises that the rest of us want to escape. It's either that or they're sick of seeing tourists wrapped in too-short and too-bright polyester clothes pile out of a tour bus, take a picture of some chickens and pile back in to the next predetermined site of Interest.

The girls didn't matter anyways, seeing how I had a wife and two kids back at home; the thought briefly flickered in my mind of a dark-skinned hula dancer in a french maid outfit, but that thought disappeared after a moment. I'm sure I could pay for that on the island if I wanted it, but what I really wanted was a cocktail.

So where were my wife and kids, you ask? Well, theoretically I have an friend who lives on the island who I've been close to since I was a kid, but really my friend's name is spiced rum and he and I get along just fine without the family tagging along. It works every time, I go to the island, relax, and come back and we do something as a family. Everyone is happy, and I come back without the urge to go on a murder-suicide rampage, so that's an added bonus.

And I've never been unfaithful to my wife. No, sir. I may have had some titties shook in my face, and maybe I grabbed a few, but every night the only thing I'm cradling in my arms is that bottle. I may lie to my wife to get away from her yap every so often, but I'm true. She's got a sweet ass anyways, so it's not like there's anything better out there. Besides, when I get home, I'm more in love than ever. That and she lets me do her from behind.

My job? Heh, nothing special- I work two jobs. The first is your traditional 9-5 corporate shmuckery- I sit in my office all day, stare out the window or look at porn on the Internet, take lunch, maybe do about ten minutes of work and then sneak out early. The boss would say something, I guess, but since I have pictures of him and his male secretary safely locked away, I pretty much don't give a crap.

I have another job, and that's a weekly gig playing drums at a nightclub. I tell my wife that I'm going to a poker night with the boys, and they all corroborate the story, especially since I get them in for half-price. It doesn't hurt that Lana the waitress knows what's up and gets all of us drinks throughout the night. I play pretty good drums, but when I've had a few in me, I just relax, you know, and play loose. The job pays like shit, frankly, but it goes in my fund to come out here. When that fills up, I tell my wife that old Bobby has called me up and wants me to come out, and finances are too tight to take everyone. One time, just to mix things up I brought the family out; too bad "Bobby" was away on business that week.

I've got it pretty good. A happy, loving family and the ability to get the hell away from them every so often. My wife even works- she's a nurse at a local school. She's so good at it that every year they elect her to go to some School Nurses of America celebration out in Palm Springs. I've never been to it, and she says it's boring: she goes every year, though. I suppose she likes talking the trade with the other nurses; which kid stabbed himself in the eye with a pencil or whatever. Sounds like a snooze to me.

Anyways, none of that matters- I'm on a plane to the tropics, and a beach, and a tall glass of alcohol. The rest are cares that can disappear, for now.

Edit: After re-reading this, let me state that it's a work of fiction. While I'm certain that my wife wouldn't mind me skipping off to a tropical island to carouse with sexy native women, I'm not sure I would want to deal with the unfortunate "accident" that would occur upon my return.

An Interlude

2006-06-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

It seems like forever since my last post. Impossible, of course. One unit of forever would preclude any others. It's a singular quantity, much like one's need for Everlasting Gobstoppers.

This week, again, I leave for Hawaii, the Garden State. Spending twelve days in that tropical place would normally give me an overall pleased and contented air, but it's a business trip which immediately precludes any enjoyment. Indeed, the aim of the work is to make you forget that you're in one of the few true paradises that exist on Earth. Instead, one is greeted by featureless and bland block buildings inside which one will spend most of the day. I have commented on this in the past and, at the risk of repeating myself, I will complain about it again: there's nothing more satisfying than complaining, I think, and if the matter is a minor one, all the better.

There is another factor to the equation of this trip. It is the absence of my wife's presence, the thought of which puts me in a somewhat melancholy mood. I am an independent person, able and even eager to be alone in my (mis)adventures. At the same time, though, I am gripped in the clutch of sadness to think my only contact with her will be dependant on the weak link of a cell phone.

Ideally, I could bring her in a backpack with me, not unlike C-3p0 from Star Wars.

The only explanation is that I have become physiologically attached to her. I could try stabbing myself to see if she feels it to, but I'm already certain of the fact (also, stabbing hurts). When a few miles between our work places separate us, I can call her and know that I will see her shortly, hug her, pinch her ass and give her an evil grin. It's a daily dance whose steps will never cease to grow old for me.

And now, there's a wrench thrown into that schedule, that certainty. Take away the work and replace it with a cool pina colada and hammock, and my wistfulness doesn't change. Take Hawaii away and replace it with the middle of Kansas, but add her, and all is well. Give me an aching, scorching desert, devoid of life or water, and give me her, and I will perish smiling. Then she can use my body as an umbrella. So we both win, as long as she finds someone who can raise the dead- it shouldn't be hard, quite a few holy men wander around in the desert.

Twelve days, and each lasting forever. And then home, and joy returned.

The Restroom Public

2006-05-22T15:53:00.000-07:00

There are, in life, two events that are inescapable, the first being death and the second being, for lack of a better term, pooping. All people face these two things at some point, though generally with a widely varying degree of trepadation between them, unless a burrito combination plate is involved.

Yes, everyone in history has had to excuse themselves to use the bathroom, chamber pot, woods or what have you. The mightiest Kings and Emperors of the world all defecated. Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, Moses all felt the call of nature. Everyone of your friends, family, coworkers and superiors all have done it, as have your ancestors, leading down to you. Yes, that means that your Grandpa pooped when he was off in Europe fighting the Nazis, themselves defecators.

Distasteful as the thought might be, it is also comforting. No man or woman is so great that they can transcend our daily needs. It's humanizing, and I for one am glad nobody gets a pass. Certainly, it's something to which we can relate: death might also be a shared experience, but it has the unfortunate side-effect of limiting conversation from those who have gone through it.

One thing we never read or hear about is when those leaders might have been stricken with a sudden need to evacuate. Did Hitler really have to pee at one of his rallies, perhaps? Maybe Julius Caesar was thinking he could just get done at the Forum real quickly before he had to go. Did Poncius Pilate think over his decision on the can? Nobody ever tells us, and that's a shame.

One result of our collective doody needs is the requirement for public facilities. These range from whitewashed, clean facilities with lovely floral patterns and wall sconces to dank, steaming pits dug haphazardly in the ground, where a single misstep would end only in human misery. If you have been to a gas station in the Southwest United States, you have encountered the latter.

There is always the question of toilet etiquette. One widely-known rule is to separate yourself from other expellers of waste by the maximum allowable distance. Many feel fear and trepadition when entering a nearly-full restroom: this is normal, and you should feel anxiety, because someone could be making judgements about you based on how you conduct yourself in there. If you foolishly break one of the unpublished and unknown rules that vary from person to person, woe will be your only companion hithermore.

Among public restrooms, there is no greater sublimity than the empty restroom complete with vacant handicapped stall. Seated there, you can survey the great and wide tracts of your domain, enclosed by the stall's flimsy metal walls. Here, in peace, you can let your mind wander over whatever choice memories or troubles you have, and contemplate them with a peace unbeknownst to others. If Heaven has any chance of living up to it's reputation, then it's restrooms must consist entirely of handicapped stalls.

There are problems of hygiene in these places. Fortunately, modern science has done away with the idea that troublesome bacteria could somehow infect you in these places. If the crack staff of the cleaning crew that comes bi-weekly to replenish the paper products in the restroom and pour bleach haphazardly all over the place isn't a comfort, then surely you must be put at ease by the semi-translucent sheet of paper separating your backside from the well-worn seat. Certainly, there is no way to violate that impermeable and sturdy material. For you worrywarts, use a few of them until they approach the thickness of a hair.

For those restrooms without bidets (and I believe no American establishment uses them), you are similarly greeted with a roll of toilet paper, crudely ripped by whoever's hand preceded yours. One thing is for certain- that person was no doubt a paragon of health and civility, and you can be sure that they had no form of bowel irritation.

There is progress once one moves to wash one's hands. Automatic toilet flushers, soap dispensers, faucets and paper towel dispensers/blowdryers all offer you a way to stay disease-free on your way out of the restroom. While you may need to flail your hands wildly to get them to work, it's well worth it knowing that you are antiseptic for the few seconds before you touch the door handle. These devices are not universal, however, and there is an inverse relationship between the availability of such devices and the places where they're needed.

So, what have we learned? All people go to the bathroom: shocking in and of itself. But more important is how we go to the bathroom, and if we have to use the air freshener afterwards, and why they put up a sign instructing food workers to wash their hands, because they should do that anyways. This, more than anything else, is what makes us human.

Mahd's guide to the world, Part 10: The Caribbean

2006-05-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, but we're back with the newest installment of the Guide. In this part, we'll be travelling to the lush, sunny coasts (at least when they're not being ravaged by hurricanes) of island paradises. Please note that, in the same way that Heaven might get boring after a few millenia, the lush, tropical paradises listed below are generally similar. In order to help alleviate this, I will be assigning each a Piracy Rank based on past, current and future piratical acts.

Anguilla

Here's how the Caribbean works: A foreign nation comes to the islands populated by native peoples, wipes them out, imports slave labor from Africa and raises sugar and tobacco. Every island pretty much followed this history up until around the mid 19th-century.

Anguilla is a collection of islands and cays that distinguishes itself by being one of the most expensive island chains in the region. In some ways, the only way to see the Caribbean is from your chaise lounge which is carried by your servants who are themselves carried by their servants.

Piracy Rank: 7 (Good potential for future)

Antigua and Barbuda

The more I read about all of these island nations, the more I'm coming to realize that there is a private island for every man, woman and child on earth. Antigua boasts that it has 365 islands in it's dominion, one for each day of the year. Each one a tropical paradise, blah blah blah. More interesting is that a few years ago the Prime Minister of the island was named Lester Bird, which may be the most unfortunate name ever.

Piracy Rank: 6 (Lots o places to hide loot)

Aruba

Aruba managed to avoid the prototypical Caribbean fate in a strange way: the soil was not good for farming, so every nation that came here moved along real quietly. Spain and the British didn't want it, so the Netherlands finally took control. It turns out to have been a good choice, with gold discovered in the country in the 19th century and oil refining in the 20th.

Although the interior might be a desert-like wasteland, the tropical coastlines will always ensure that there will be plenty of pale Dutch and American tourists for years to come.

Piracy Rank: 4 (Gold's run out and oil's no good to a pirate)

Barbados

Barbados is referred to as "Little England". This isn't so much because of unpalatable food and bad teeth as their penchant for English names and pasttimes. The British themselves love the little island, often choosing to come here rather than experience something unfamilar.

In spite of their love for things British, Barbados still retains some of it's Caribbean charm. Dark-skinned natives still listen to calypso music on the sandy beaches. Even if it does happen right before they go to the cricket match, it still counts.

Piracy Rank: 2 (Stay away from the British navy)

Bahamas

Aside from Bermuda, this series of islands (over 700) is probably the most popular in the Caribbean. The islands have some interesting history: these were the islands that Christopher Columbus first discovered for Spain (much to the surprise of the people who were living there- they had thought they had discovered them much sooner). Thousands of British loyalists were sent here after the American Revolution- they now have their revenge on Americans by charging $10 for a Pina Colada. It's not all a tourist wasteland- the outlying islands are more true to the original peoples, who we can only assume burn effigies of Columbus every day and twice on Mondays.

Piracy Rank: 9 (Once a Privateer's Republic, always a Privateer's Republic)

British Virgin Islands

Once a hunting ground for pirates, these islands have since become home to a small number of upscale resorts. Unlike the US Virgin Islands, there's little commercialism, which might be interpreted as a commentary on a larger scale. Yachts are common here, and the well-heeled crowd often derides anyone with a mere "50 footer".

The true reason these islands exist is for shady offshore banking firms to ply their trade. If you can't afford a Swiss bank account, a BVI one is the next best thing- after all, if you can't semi-legally launder your money, how are you ever going to be able to afford that bigger yacht?

Piracy Rank: 10 (Shady money practices combined with a history of buccaneers)

Cayman Islands

Everything that was said for the BVI goes double for the Cayman Islands. At least the money laundering part of it. Tourism is invariably here as well, especially for divers who enjoy the crystal clear waters. Combine this with a relatively common amount of shipwrecks from the old days and you can have a good time. Just don't buy anything here, because there's a massive tax on imports. If possible, bring a tent and daquiri machine with you to save some money.

Piracy Rating: 5 (Money laundering, but kind of far from everything)

Cuba

Cuba- the Communist Paradise! Where Soviets came to play in the surf and sand. Where nearly everyone on the island has used every imaginable piece of equipment to escape, from rubber boats to 1950's trucks. Cuba is judiciously goberned by Fidel Castro, who in recent years has been discovered to be a cigar-smoking robot. Other highlights of Cuba include the U.S. military base at Guantanamo Bay, where a number of people are currrently enjoying the fresh tropical air- whether they want to or not.

Piracy Rating: 1 (Communists dislike pirates - trust me)

Dominica

Dominica may be one of the last unspoiled Caribbean nations- despite the efforts of its government. Tourists aren't interested in beaches that aren't covered in white sand, and a notable lack of shopping, dining and nightlife. Natural beauty abounds, and that sickens developers who could be using the land to create a luxury resort. It doesn't help that the country's leaders keep dying in office- according to the chain of succession, the new leader is the former Secretary for Very Small Cats Affairs. His reign promises to, if nothing else, be adorable.

Piracy Rating: 2 (Poor countries make for poor plunder)

Grenada

Grenada might be most well-known as the country the United States invaded.

Okay, maybe I need to be more specific.

Grenada was invaded by the US in 1983 when the US thought the Cuba was trying to take over the island. The reason given was, of course, merely to rescue some U.S. students at a University there. The real reason- the US needed to secure vital supplies of nutmeg and cinnamon for their Christmas eggnog. And that's how the US saved Christmas.

Piracy Rating: 4 (unless those spices are going into rum, in which case make it an 8)

Guadeloupe

A French island that was repeatedly seized by the British, given to the Swedes who then gave it back to France, Guadeloupe has settled into a traditional Caribbean tourist destination. Yes, there have been strikes against the government, but the protesters generally give up to go nap in hammocks on the beach. Speaking with inhabitants is near impossible, since the language is a mish-mash of English, French, Spanish, Portuguese and perhaps shockingly, Aramaic. Don't worry, they'll get the picture when you raise your voice and shake your empty drink glass at them.

Piracy Ranking: 6 (A history of violence)

Dominican Republic/Haiti

These two nations are lumped together both geographically, but I also do it to contrast them. Where the Dominican Republic is a peaceable nation, Haiti is basically a 24-hour murderfest. The Dominican Republic boasts a number of all-inclusive resorts catering to your every need: Haiti boasts that you may not be lynched within 5 minutes of landing at the airport (which itself is probably on fire). The Dominican Republic is a stable democracy: Haiti has pretty much been in continuous rebellion since 1821.

If I had to choose between the two, I'd say go to the Dominican Republic- just a hunch that you'll have more fun there.

Piracy Rating: 10/ 2 (I'll let you guess which is which)

Jamaica

Jamaica- has there ever been a more stereotyped nation? Yes, we know they're all a bunch of pot-smoking rastafarians who have a penchant for bobsled racing. Sure, that stereotype might be dead-on, but what don't we know about these people? Well, not much- the people pride themselves on reggae; on their rum; and on the availability and legality of their pot. They seem to have learned that if you have music and mind-altering substances, then you don't really need or care about things like infrastructure or jobs. It's kind of like a music festival, except the water isn't $13 a bottle.

Piracy Rating: 7 (Rum! I wonder if they have reggae sea shanties?)

Martinique

In every area of the world, there is one nation that seems to be relatively boring and stable. For the Caribbean, it's Martinique. Oh sure, the country is French-speaking, which is somewhat exotic to us Anglophiles, but otherwise it's had an almost eventless history for the past century. Frankly, it's irritating: without some interesting and bloody coup, what can I write here? Nothing- and that's why I'm done.

Piracy Rating: 1 (No fun to be had here!)

Montserrat

Do you enjoy the outdoors? Perhaps to the exclusion of any other activity? If so, Montserrat is the place for you. Their slogan is "The Caribbean the way it used to be". To translate, this means "The Caribbean without any exciting dining, casinos, indoor activities, ATMs, hotels, flush toilets or running water." If you are the outdoorsy type, you can go see the active volcano, or hike or kayak. And if you disappear, nobody will ever, ever find you. So this might be a good place to take someone you're planning to murder.

Piracy Rating: 2 (No loot or rum, however violence is possible)

Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico! Home of the Pina Colada, which can be now lovingly dispensed from a high-tech Homemade Pina Colada Machine (tm). Puerto Rico is a U.S. Commonwealth, which means that they get all of the benefits of being citizens without the culpability of having voted for our elected members of Government.

It's not all icy alcoholic drinks and government subsidies, though. Puerto Rico faces a number of problems, from air pollution to water shortages. The nation is a great stopover for trafficking drugs into the U.S., so check that out too. Although, we really don't like it, so if you're bringing speedboats full of cocaine to our country, please stop.

Piracy Rating: 8 (Yo ho ho and a bottle of...)

St. Kitts and Nevis

Now we come to the "Saint" islands. The only reason that more of these islands aren't named for revered religious figures is that they ran out of sainted persons before they ran out of islands.

St. Kitts and Nevis are unique in the number of monkeys running around them. There are more monkeys than people, and you may find yourself in a bar ordering a drink and having it served to you by a friendly simian. They are piano players, innkeepers, DJs, and, shockingly, organ grinders that use smaller monkeys to collect coins.

Fortunately, many shops sell monkey repellent so that you can avoid these. The more common name for the repellent is "guns".

Piracy Rating: 7 (A monkey is a good pirate pet. A monkey with a parrot on it's shoulder- even better)

St. Lucia

Another semi-developed island, St. Lucia is smaller than New York. It's also less developed than New York, and you're less likely to be randomly urinated on than you would be in New York. Your chance of getting in for a taping of The David Letterman Show is about the same, though.

St. Lucia has interesting black-and-white sand beaches, rainforests and a sulphur volcano, the latter making any travel here a smelly proposition. More shocking, they decided to build a hog fat rendering plant on the island next to a chicken farm. Only half the population has complained, though- the other half were found dead in their houses.

Piracy Rating: 5 (Pirates don't mind the smell- they never shower anyways)

St. Vincent and the Grenadines

This is a group of 30 islands. There is excellent yachting and snorkeling thanks to the beautifully clear waters. The people are friendly and welcoming, and will cater to every need and whim. As the tropical sun darts low on the water, remember why you came to St. Vincent and the Grenadines- for the ultimate in relaxation and luxury*

Piracy Rating: 0 (There are no pirates here, just plenty of fantastic family activities)

*This guide paid for by Grenadine Island #23, which is the one with the money.

Trinidad and Tobago

Trinidad and Tobago created steel drum music. For this, I suggest a lengthy air campaign followed by an enveloping ground war. We must cleanse the earth of these people and their irritating music that is played at every faux Caribbean party that exists. Truly, they are an evil force and should be dealt with accordingly.

Piracy Rating: 0 (No self-respecting pirate would go within 20km of this place)

U.S. Virgin Islands

The U.S. Virgin Islands are a great place to finish up. Much like Pirates of the Caribbean shows us a false and idealized image of pirates, the USVI are something of an animatronic ride through the Caribbean. Oh look, there's the friendly black man with a brightly shining smile selling us fresh coconut milk! And over there is a brightly colored bar serving "fresh" cocktails. These beaded necklaces seem more Polynesian than Caribbean, but they're both islands, right? No, this is definitely the Caribbean; I can hear the spicy tunes of a steel drum cacaphony off in the distance. What, we have to go back on the cruise ship already? Well, now that I have experienced this island, I can make safe assumptions about every other Caribbean island...

This is a dangerous, dangerous place. Make sure that you remember it's not real, like Never-never land, Middle-Earth, or Los Angeles.

Piracy Rating: 10 (Hapless tourists will buy anything! And it's not even robbery- not in the traditional sense, anyways)

The conference

2006-05-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

As part of my job, I'm generally required to attend classes or conferences on subject matters relevant to the work I do. Being in the IT field, this usually means some sort of Unix or Microsoft course, which means sitting in a cramped convention hall filled with nerds, all of whom are eager to show off their technical prowess and copious knowledge of all things electronic. It's like an Apple store with all of the style sucked out of it and socially uncomfortable sweating inserted in its place. Every conversation is quite literally a powder keg waiting to explode as each nerdling has some particular pet peeve that, if provoked, threatens to bore you to death.

Not surprisingly, these gatherings are almost exclusively attended by men. Those few women who are present are generally looked at in a creepy yet lustful manner, regardless of amount or color of body hair, bad skin or teeth, or unflattering social habits. A woman who would be considered a "3" among the normal populace is rocketed skyward in strata and is thrust into a position that she is not used to being in: that of the sex object. Heaven help the woman who is attractive at these conventions- likely she will have a gaggle of men following behind her like lost puppy dogs. The only parallel I could draw would be to a comic book convention, where the same thing occurs, except that everyone is wearing Boba Fett and anime costumes, which is not as bad, somehow. I would expect the attendees to overlap, actually.

Along with speakers droning on about how they managed to perform some technical miracle and how everyone should run their systems, there is also the vendor hall. There is no person more damned in this world than the technology vendor. They sit in a crowded stall replete with brochures and XXL t-shirts and try to sell their products to a group of people whose entire purpose is to brush them off and grab as much clothing in as little time as possible. The successful nerds have the entire process down to a science, and can be marked as those who have replenished their wardrobes for a year. Those unlucky vendors who have been cleaned out of their free goodies, be it a pen that lights up or some kind of whirling toy, might as well just pack up and go home, because they will be disdained by the surging, deoderant-less crowd. They might as well not exist, though one could make the argument that they have already made that wish.

This is not to say that all attendees are fat and greasy, their translucent pale skin wrapped in a jumbo-sized corporate t-shirt and threadworn, stained shorts. There are well-dressed, urbane IT people. There are IT people without social anxiety disorder. It's only the vast, vast majority that fit the stereotype. Therefore, if you enter a hotel and see that an IT conference is scheduled while you are going to stay there, your best bet is to turn and run- you may just be able to escape.

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 9: North Africa

2006-04-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates: we're busy preparing for a housewarming party, which of course means that we're taking care of the 2,183 things we've been putting off since we moved in. In the course of our preparations, I am now a certified woodworker and electrician, and I would be a painter too, if I had any ability in that arena.

North Africa is a series of nations that border the Mediterranean Ocean. They are few in number, which makes them perfect for me to use them as a cop-out for a larger section of the world. The entire area is most famous for being the battleground in which German forces battled the Allies for control of Middle Eastern oil. Fortunately, since then, nobody has ever fought wars over the control of that resource.

Egypt

When you talk about places like Egypt, it's kind of strange to imagine people living there today. It was one of the first great civilizations of the world, but it's hard not to imagine people riding around in chariots and wearing funky eye makeup when you think of the place. Regardless, the country is home to many grand and spectacular and crumbling structures. The latter is not criticism- I can't buy a wristwatch that lasts more than 5 years anymore. The pyramids have been around for a few thousand. That's quality craftsmanship you don't find anymore.

Egypt could be considered part of the Middle East, as it does occassionally threaten Israel which is apparently requisite for being in that club. But for the most part, they disassociate themselves from that group of ragamuffins and try to put on a more civilized face.

Egypt is usually paired with the Nile river, which is it's lifeblood. One interesting thing I discovered: Don't go in the Nile river. Well, go in if you want malaria or yellow fever or some scary worm-based disease called bilharzia.

In general, Egypt is a great place to go- you are relatively well protected from being killed by murderous sociopaths, so long as you stay inside the air-conditioned tour bus and never, ever make eye contact with anyone.

Libya

Oh, Libya. You used to be a real bad guy. In the 1980's, apart from the Soviets you were one of the great menaces of our time. We even bombed you, to show how much we actually thought of you.

Today, you are barely on our radar screen. Like Northern Ireland or New York, people can say they went to your country and the yokels back home will be amazed that you made it back home alive. But Libya has become a reformed schoolboy- Gaddafi may still be a ruthless dictator, but he's trying to make amends. Look at his face: how can you stay mad at that face?

Most of the cities in Libya are along the coast, which makes sense since the rest of the country is a barren, trackless part of the Sahara where people are swallowed alive by the swirling sands. The one city in the area is called "Al Jawf", which roughly translates to "Damn there's a lot of sand here". Despite this, no sand castle building competitions have been held there.

Tunisia

Tunisia is a small country by the standards of the other North African nations. Much has happened here, though. It is thought to be the homeland of Carthage, a great trading nation before the Romans came and sewed the ground with salt. That may seem harsh, but it's what the Romans do- they stop by, have a drink, defile the land so nothing may ever grow there again, say their good-day and move on.

Parts of the movie Star Wars were filmed here. Travellers expecting to find unique collectables to sell on eBay will undoubtedly be let down, but you can probably fake something- those dorks will buy anything.

Like most of the countries lying on the Mediterranean, the seaside-dwelling people live in a beautiful climate full of well-manicured tourists and lounging. More inland, you can find all the people who do the real work, as well as all the ruins and culture. But screw that, the seaside has waiters who will bring you icy drinks, so stay away from the interior.

Algeria

Let us be clear- the civil war is over. The country is secure. As long as you stay out of the southwest and northeast of the country, you'll be fine. Oh, and avoid the northwest. And southeast. And you really shouldn't stay too long in the center of the nation; that would be a mistake.

It's not as if this danger is new to the area. The region was once known as the Barbary Coast, and was full of pirates who liked to enslave people, but generally Christians. Once the French came in, it didn't so much quiet things down as give them a target to focus on. Finally, the nation was granted independence and could have peace. Or not. Let's just wrap up this whole discussion by dispensing with the normal coups, revolutions and civil wars and get to the present, where an uneasy peace exists between factions.

Truly, this is a traveller's paradise.

Morocco

Morocco is one of the friendliest of the North African countries- by friendly I mean that they are happy to take your money. These people learned long ago that they are strange and unfamiliar to most European and American travellers, and so can extort them gleefully.

The nation boasts amazing advances, such as "tolerance for women" and "protecting children". That's pretty impressive for a monarchy, when most of them are more concerned with how to gild the rest of their immense palaces.

The best way to get to Morocco is to travel to Gibraltar, then take a big running jump off into the ocean. Your pants might get wet, but in a few minutes, you'll be in Tangiers. Alternatively, you can hang glide across.

The only way to leave the country is by rushing out to a waiting plane, where you shoot someone dead before taking off to the sounds of La Marseillaise...

Names for babies

2006-04-12T22:47:00.000-07:00

Let me first say: I'm not pregnant. My wife is not pregnant either- I made sure by jabbing her in the stomach a few times. Despite this, the topic of baby names occassionally arises, for when we want to bring a yowling little monkey into the world. Below are some of my preferred names for children, as well as some guidelines

Names for boys

There is one rule for boys names, and that is that you should name a boy for the deadliest thing you can imagine, which is why there are so many boys out there named "Electricshark". Boys must have a name that indicates brutality, otherwise they will be destroyed by other boys with much more harmful names. With this in mind, here are a few naming conventions:

Medieval Weaponry- Good:Dirk, Dagger, Claymore, Mace, Catapault. Bad: Cat-o-nine-tails, Mancatcher, Plowshare

Large geological formations- Good: Slate, Rock, Stone, Flint, Mountain, Stalactite. Bad: Limestone, Sand, Stalagmite

States- Good: Texas, Arizona, Utah, Dakota. Bad: Rhode Island, Delaware, Florida, Puerto Rico (just you wait)

Biblical names- Good: Moses, Jesus, Saint Antigone of Palaparnassus. Bad: John, Pope Pious, Hezjebejiah

Animal names- Good: Snake, Raven, Wolf, Jaguar Bad: Sloth, Water Buffalo, Turkey, South American Cottontailed Hare

Names for Girls

Girls have a number of rules for names. First, the name you give them must never also be the name of the stripper or hooker you saw the night before the child was conceived. Secondly, the name you give them must indicate their purity, which they will toss away in the back of some 16-year old's 1984 Honda Civic. Finally, a girl's name should be the name of some obscure relative who they will never see or care about- this will annoy them. Some sample names:

Month names- Good: May, June, April, April 15th Bad: September, October, January, March

Flower/Tree names- Good: Ivy, Rose, Willow Bad: Flytrap, Stinkflower

Old Lady names- Good: Ethel, Mildred, Wilma Bad: Delilah, Elly Maye Sue, That old bag

Creature/Animal names- Good: Angel, Bunny, Fawn, Unicorn Bad: Baelzebub the Lord of Lies, Bitch

Names with i's and y's in strange places- Good: Traci, Joni, Myra Bad: Janyce, Luci, Brytani, Iiiyyii

The moral of the story here is, choose a name that fits your child. If she's born in a trailer in the South, just save her the trouble of changing her name for porn later in life and name her "Busty". If he goes to a private school in a rich part of London, just name him "Lord Autumnbottom". And if you catch him dressing in his mother's clothes, you might as well call him something obsequious, like "Jody" or "Chris". Most importantly, choose a name that he can hate forever, like "Apple" or "Troutfishinginamerica" or "Scotty". If you do this, he might run away, and you will be free to spend his college fund on a new spa.

Experience the experience!

2006-04-10T09:08:00.000-07:00

As modern people of the world, we are privy to many things that people of past generations did not encounter. 24 hour news channels bring instant coverage of all events, and anything else can pretty much be found on the Internet. But my belief is that there is a difference between watching something and actually having it happen to you. And that's where the ferris wheel of death comes in.

The ferris wheel of death is, in my estimation, the most horrific scenario imaginable. Think, if you will, of a innocuous roadside carnival with the requisite clowns, carnies and food stands that sell deep-fried foods of questionable origin. In general, these carnivals have a multitude of creaky, unlicensed rides operated by people whose qualifications are nonexistent. Let's say one of these rides is a ferris wheel. A traditional ride, not too fast, whose main virtue is that when one reaches the summit of the calliope-music-playing monstrosity, one has a slightly better view than if standing on the ground.

Imagine now, that for some reason the ferris wheel's turning slowly starts accelerating along with the music. The operator is hopeless: all he knows how to do is press the "start" and "stop" buttons, as well as leering at young girls in a creepy manner. The passengers begin to get a sense of the trouble and start yelling for help, which causes the crowd below to stop and gape at the scene. Finally, with a wrenching groan, the wheel bursts free of it's moorings with a sickening shriek of twisted metal.

One rash youth attempts to jump off of the wheel, but to no avail. Two teenagers who thought the best way to sneak away from their parents to make out was on the tallest structure at the carnival are yelling now, and the old man who wanted to ride the old wheel one last time is getting his wish. Bodies are flying everywhere as the unstoppable wheel cuts a swath through the fair, and then the countryside, crushing anything unfortunate to be caught beneath it. Finally, it's instability and slowing pace cause it to fall on it's side, where it bursts into flame.

Truly a gruesome story. But let's examine how it would be conveyed to you in different ways:

3rd person account:
"Well, I was at the deep-fried lettuce stand when I heard this big ol' snapping sound. Damnedest thing I ever seen: the whole contraption just broke off the stand and started rolling around. You know, I hear that old man Donaldson was just real quiet that whole time, like he knew this was it for him- he knew he was gonna get taken out by a ferris wheel, just like his daddy before him. And that lil' Rebecca Stone? I hear tell they found parts of her everywhere; the corn dog stand, the twinkie stand....everywhere. Damned shame, damned shame."

1st person account:
"Yes, I was on that ferris wheel. I was the only survivor, though I lost both legs and part of my scalp. I don't remember much, though. There was that terrible calliope music, of course, so I couldn't hear the ride come loose. I heard people screaming, but I thought they were just riding the tilt-o-whirl, or possibly eating the deep-fried ice cream. Anyways, the whole thing rolled for a while, then we fell over. Did I mention that my new legs are made of tungsten?"

News account:
"12 people died today at a Duscaloosa County fair when a ferris wheel apparently broke free from it's moorings and rolled through the countryside. Channel 5 news was there after the accident with correspondent Trisha Yakamada."
*cut to well-manicured ethnic correspondent with ride operator*
Reporter- "What did you see?"
Operator-"Wells, I were watching the ride real close, you know, to make sure nothing went wrong. Then it just kind of broke free and I hit that "stop" button, but it was too late."
Reporter- "Chilling. Tom?"
*cut back to well-manicured white male anchor*
"Thanks Trish. Channel 5 news spoke with the owner of the Podunk travelling fair and he assured us that safety is his number one concern and he will be investigating the manner fully. Speaking of rolling wheels of death, a new donut factory..."

Internet account
*Shaky, blurry camcorder video of the ferris wheel breaking loose*
+10 minutes *Shaky, blurry camcorder video of the ferris wheel breaking loose with emotional music interspersed with quotes from bystanders*
+20 minutes *Shaky, blurry camcorder video with either Bubb Rubb, lightsaber effects or horrible techno music added*
+1 day *Shaky, blurry camcorder video sped up with Limp Bizkit's "Rollin" playing*
+2 days *Shaky, blurry camcorder video sped up and "Yakety sax" music playing*
+4 days *Every goddamned person you know talking about the stupid yakety sax version*
+7-8 days *Video disappears from Internet completely*

Personal account
"Boy this ferris wheel sure is fun. I can see the deep-fried candy bar stand from here!"
*creaking, breaking noise*
"Oh no! Stop the ride! No, nooooo!"
"SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!" (repeat ad nauseum)

So, as you can see, perspective definitely skews how we view a situation. Also, don't ride ferris wheels, because this is bound to happen some day.

What sexy is...

2006-03-31T14:16:00.000-08:00

In addition to my normal job, I am also a licensed and bonded sexologist, with advanced degrees in fornicology and communications. Sexual communications.

Do you know what sexy is? I do, and I will share them with you now.

*Sexy is giving your partner a deep, passionate kiss

*Unsexy is giving your partner a deep, passionate kiss.. on their nose.

*Sexy is lighting scented candles around the room and scattering rose petals on the sheets.

*Unsexy is lighting novelty fart scented candles and scattering rose stems on the sheets.

*Sexy is putting a little bit of your favorite romantic music on softly to set the mood

*Unsexy is if your favorite romantic music is a German death metal band.

*Sexy is having your partner dress up in revealing lingerie

*Unsexy is dressing up in your partner's revealing lingerie, then surprising them when they come home

*Sexy is role-playing: doctor and nurse, for example

*Unsexy is role-playing Borg and Klingon

*Sexy is tying your partner to the bedposts with satin for a little unconventional fun

*Unsexy is forgetting about them and coming back a week later.

*Sexy is gently caressing your partner's skin with your hands

*Unsexy is making a "beep" noise while squeezing their boobs.

*Sexy is talking dirty while you make love

*Unsexy is talking like a pirate while you make love

*Sexy is her bringing her best friend into bed with you...who is a fashion model.

*Unsexy is her bringing her best friend into bed with you...who is a truck driver.

*Sexy is her telling you her fantasies.

*Unsexy is you telling her your fantasies that involve rope, wall hooks and lots of mayonaisse.

*Sexy is fulfilling the other person's every desire

*Unsexy is asking "Where do I put it?" for the third time.

Now that you know the rules, go forth and...uh...be sexy.

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 8: Central/South Asia

2006-03-28T15:34:00.000-08:00

Today we go west, all the way to the center of Asia. While this may seem pretty close to East Asia, keep in mind that the continent is very, very big.

Myanmar

Myanmar is ruled by a military junta. I think the progression of dictatorial rule goes Dictator-for-life -> Despot -> Evil Council -> "President" -> Junta; so these guys are pretty bad. This country used to be part of Burma as it was called under the rule of the British, but split off like everyone did after WW2. The leaders of the nation decided to make a plan for bringing their country prosperity and joy. But it was easier to grow heroin, so they did that instead. Of course, the ruling junta isn't so bad: in 1989 they promised free elections. Of course, when the elections went against them, they forbid the winners to take office and crushed the rebellion. But when you're a junta, it's kind of expected.

India

The big boy of South Asia, India is the world's largest democracy, a fact that they trumpet proudly at every opportunity. It's also the world's smelliest, most-disease ridden, caste-bedeviled democracy, but you never hear them say that. In spite of this, India has a beautiful and mystical culture, and you can't find a decent burger anywhere. India has it's problems, from the Kashmir dispute with Pakistan to the ever-present caste system, where, if you have to ask what caste you're in, you're probably in the lowest one (harijan). That's not to say the caste system is a bad thing- after all, what possible downside could there be in belonging to the one that is known as the "Untouchables"? Well, it can all be remedied in your next life...

Bhutan

Bhutan is a tiny country wedged between India and China, and has seemingly ignored the passage of time. A king rules the country, and slavery was only abolished in 1958. Fortunately, the king is a benevolent person, and his court were all atwitter about merchants bringing in television and other electronic goods on the back of camels. Of course, there's only one TV station, and all it shows are reruns of Mork and Mindy.

Bangladesh

Bangladesh, or Bengal as it was once called, was a thriving, growing culture where art and literature flourished, where Hinduism and Buddhism both grew, but were eventually ovecome by Islam. Then the Europeans came. As usual and mangled things. After independence and a war or two, Bangladesh was born.
Today, Bangladesh is relatively peaceful, with only a marginal amount of the civil unrest you might expect to see in a third-world nation. The world's largest mangrove belt is here, as are many palaces from the old days. Also, I would expect to see a shit ton of people.

Nepal

I hear the hiking is good here. That may be because the entire nation is situated on top of a mountain range. The country is a democracy, but since it exists in a land with virtually no economy and such a disparate population, it can sometimes be hard to choose between the No-Starvation cantidate and the No-Pestilence cantidate. Worse, Maoist rebels are attempting an insurrection in the country, which means that with all of the explosions, Nepal will go from a mountain nation to a slightly hilly nation in just a few short years.

Pakistan

From here on out, we're going to be referring to the Stans of Asia. From the fossil record we can determine that there was once a great king named Stanley, and so the following nations all remember him fondly by adding his nickname to their country names.

Pakistan is one of the partitions that the British made when they split up India into different parts. The British, in their wisdom, determined that it would be fine to make one country full of people with one religion next to another with a completely different religion. It didn't help that they told the Pakistanis that the Indians slept with their moms, either. Like other Muslim countries, male and female Pakistanis wear a traditional garb that reflects their culture, but it's really just a dress.
Recently, the government was taken over in a bloodless coup by a military man, Pervez Musharraf. He has simultaneously kept tensions with India at a standstill while supporting the everlasting War on Terror. This is also known as "Give me money Americans."
Pakistan has a sweet called barfi. Overlook the name if you can.

Afghanistan

Afghanistan was a nobody. No country really knew where it was, or even really cared. Sure, they had opiates, but those religious Taliban guys were burning those fields down, and also destroying any non-Muslim relics. Then they happened to be caught with the red mark on their hand, and suddenly every 24-hour news channel taught us everything we ever wanted to know about the country. Now, normally learning about different countries is a good thing, but in America when we learn a lot about a foreign country, it usually means that country is going to have the hell bombed out of it. And Afghanistan is no exception.
Today, you can walk down to a cafe in Kabul and have a nice cup of coffee with friends and reminisce about how that bunker buster missile came so close you could feel it. Uh, but don't try it outside of Kabul.

Turkmenistan

Welcome to the moon. This is Turkmenistan, who probably have the crappiest deal of any country except maybe one of the ones in the Sahara. It's an apt description, because eighty percent of the country is inhospitable desert. The remaining twenty percent is very nice, with lots of shrubs lining the roads. At least the ruler is a crazy man who has renamed the months after himself and has banned everyone from taking a breath without swearing allegiance to him. This is a good place to come if filming a post-apocalypse movie: otherwise, give it a miss.

Uzbekistan

Uzbekistan was taken by the Russians in 1875 and has been defiantly pro-Russian ever since. They were all for the Communist revolution and when Communism fell, they were for that too. Well, kind of, since their president is something of an authoritarian dictator. But they're ok with that, too. Mostly, the Uzbeks just want to keep Muslim militants from overthrowing their country, because that would upset the delicate fur hat manufacturing conglomorate that makes up their industry.

Tajikistan

It's hard to say, but in some ways Soviet dominance of some lands is a good thing. The Soviet control of Tajikistan might have been brutal, but at least it was highly bureaucratic and organized. When the USSR went kaput, civil war erputed here among the ethnic groups. Fortunately, today the capital of Dushanbe is as safe as any other in Central Asia, which is to say that you have only a moderate chance of being kidnapped and murdered.

Kyrgystan

These formerly nomadic people have one pasttime, and that is drinking fermented mare's milk. Morning, noon or evening, you'll hardly find a Kyrgystaniophite without an animal skin filled with the disgusting brew. Refusing to drink it with them is an insult worse than if you refused to have intercourse with their horses, which itself is a grave insult. And don't even think about not licking the underside of their tent...

Kazakhstan
Kazakhstan is the largest of the "stan" former Soviet republics, and if you come here, you'll understand why. The entire country seems to have been saved for something special. While this does result in wide open spaces, it also makes you wonder why they haven't exploited their natural resources. The other people wondering this are the many downtrodden individuals who will stalk you as you walk around their cities in capri pants and fedoras. It's at that point you may want to put away your money clip and also hide your fancy camera.

Woman for a day

2006-03-23T12:55:00.000-08:00

It's the most bizarre thing, really. I woke up this morning, ready to greet a brand new day with a wink and a smile (and perhaps a jig), and when I hopped out of bed I realized that I didn't have my usual case of morning wood. In fact, there was no wood at all. I made sure to check that it didn't fall off during the night, as it has in the past: in those cases, a bit of super glue and some drywall hangers usually did the trick.

No, the whole package was gone, in fact- replaced by the standard woman's parts down there. Nor indeed had I been oblivious to the fact that I was now sporting two large breasts. I turned left and right and watched them move around in the mirror.

An hour later, I noticed my face had changed as well. Gone was the stubble I went to sleep with. Instead, curly dark hair cascaded down to my shoulders, framing my now-feminine face. So, I had changed into a woman overnight: well, I've heard this sort of thing could happen, particularly if you didn't have enough potassium in your diet and I hadn't had a bananna in over a month. Fortunately, the effects were temporary and would wear off in 24 hours.

Unfortunately, when I called into work sick, they thought I was faking. "That's the worst female voice I've ever heard", the receptionist said. I finally got transferred to my boss and convinced him that I was my wife, and that I was very, very sick and would be in tomorrow. He didn't seem to care, so I hung up the phone, and tried to scratch my crotch, but I realized sadly that I couldn't do it anymore.

I jumped into the shower and turned on the water, and then found out just how sensitive different parts of the female anatomy are. As it warmed up, I happily thought that at least I didn't have to shave, but that myth was dispelled when I looked at my legs. Okay, well, how hard can it be to shave one's legs, I thought.

To her credit, my wife didn't pass out when she found a woman with a dozen bloody cuts on her legs in her shower. She did scream, though, ear-splittingly loud. She finally calmed down when I showed her my wedding ring (which was slipping off my finger). "Well," she said, "get out of the shower- it's my turn, and I have to go to work. Must be nice to have a day off," she mocked as she shut the shower door.

I toweled off, and then looked at my breasts for a while. When I looked up, my wife was staring at me and rolled her eyes. I mentioned that we should take advantage of the situation and approached her. She responded calmly, hitting me with her hairbrush. So that was out.

I complained that I didn't have anything to wear, so she told me to borrow some of her stuff. So I grabbed a thong, some stockings, a skirt and a blouse. That should do, I thought, and quickly dressed. God, my legs were so warm in those stockings. I asked my wife if my butt looked big in the skirt. She deadpanned that no, it was my big butt that made it look big. Bitch.

She left for work and I was home alone.

All alone.

I quickly removed all of the clothes I had put on and climbed back into bed.

And what I did there constituted the rest of my day.

Oh, sure, I could have gone out shopping or seen how people viewed me, but the fact of the matter was that I had female parts and I made the most of it, in my mind.

Next time, I'll do all that stuff. Really. I won't just stay at home and pleasure myself for 12 hours straight.

Nah.

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 7: East Asia

2006-03-19T18:08:00.000-08:00

Welcome back to our Guide. Today, we travel to the mysterious Orient, or East Asia as it is called by those who are not 19th-century British explorers. Our countries today spread from North Korea to Indonesia, China to Japan (which is more impressive than it sounds because China is huge). The countries:

Taiwan

When Chinese nationalists were driven off the mainland after WW2, they fled to Taiwan, a tiny little island off the coast. In response for not having all of the people or land that the Communists have, the Taiwanese have instead opted to make their entire island a giant theme park of commercialism. The entire island is paved and built on, right up to the shores, which explains the high "sea-view dining" restaurant to population ratio. It's impressive considering that there are 22.5 million people living on the island, all of them creating crappy low-grade toys or "United we Stand" magnetic stickers for your 10 MPG Hummer. The population density is so high, in fact, that if you're walking around and don't have a few crotches pressed against you, you're considered to be living in the height of luxury.

North Korea

North Korea is Disneyland if Disneyland were some strange place ruled by a totalitarian dictatorship with an intent to keep the status quo forever. So in other words, exactly like Disneyland.

If you could even travel to North Korea (which is prohibited), you probably would not be able to go outside the hotel (prohibited). You could watch TV (currently prohibited) or read a book (prohibited), or call room service (not prohibited, but you'll be put on a government watch list). At night, you can visit downtown Pyongyang (prohibited except between 2am and 3am. However, there is a curfew between 1am and 4am) or go to bed (prohibited). Once your vacation is over, feel free to get back on the place, which all reports say is due to be prohibited.

South Korea

When geeks die, their souls go to South Korea. The nation is well-known for it's numerous 24-hour LAN centers, where everyone spends their free time trying to get levels or gold or some kind of shit like that in online games. On the off-chance you want to interact with the real world, you can go down to the corner grocery store and buy some anime that probably features something intensely creepy.

That's not to say traditional Korean culture hasn't survived: certainly, the Koreans are always prepared to be in the middle of some kind of conflict. The little black bars on their flag actually symbolize all of the invading armies that are poised to take over at a moment's notice. Fortunately, the South Korean military is skilled in all variations of Dance, Dance Revolution, so they're ready for a fight, or preferably, disco dancing.

Thailand

Thailand draws travelers in with a combination of natural beauty, hospitality, delicious cuisine and a metric ton of "ladyboys" or transsexuals. In searching for background info for this nation, every tenth link was to something related to these gender bending people. It's apparent they plan to stage a coup and establish the world's first transsexual nation. They probably plan to take all of the drag shows with them as well.

The Thai people are an enlightened, religious people. This is probably best exemplified in their sport of kickboxing: Realizing that normal boxing might be a little boring, they decided to add something to it- kicking. Since then, many other sports have added kicking to bolster flagging attendance numbers. Look for kick baseball, kick gymnastics and "soccer but with more kicking" in the next few seasons.

Cambodia

Cambodia is best known for two things- the beautiful and ancient temples of Ankgor and the brutal and not-quite-so-beautiful reign of Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge. While we may think some current world leaders are screwing things up, it's pretty safe to say that Pot was less popular, killing two million of his countrymen and turning the rest into slave laborers. It was so bad that the next leader, who himself managed to kill a million people and raze their cities is known as "The Greatest Leader ever".

Cambodia is generally a destination if you want to see the temples, or alternatively, to recreate some of your favorite Vietnam-era movie scenes.

Vietnam

Speaking of Vietnam, here it is. For Americans, Vietnam is a prime example of how not to try and convert a country to democracy. I mean, sure, killing the population and replacing them with people who support you is one way to do it, but far more effective is just to open a couple McDonalds and ship a cargo container worth of Coca-Cola over. It's not that exposure to commercial products makes people more open to democracy- it just makes them fatter and less likely to get off the couch to protest or fight against it.

Today, Vietnam is rapidly changing and evolving, gaining the Internet cafes, cell phones and motorbikes that plague the rest of the world. Less sure is the availability of Vietnamese hookers who will "love you long time." More research is obviously needed in this area

Singapore

Singapore is a modernized Asian country, except they're really mean. That is to say, they don't put up with your crap. While they appreciate you visiting, make sure you don't park your car in a handicapped spot- the penalty is for them to break your legs. If you come here, just make sure you blend into the crowd, which, if you are a 6 foot tall pale white man, is not easy. If this is the case, be sure to get a tan and crouch.

Laos

Laos is a country trapped in time: they want to modernize, but they want to do it at their own pace. Don't try to foist your skyscrapers on them: they don't want them. Okay, some of them do, which is why about 10% of the population left. I mean, you can only gaze at awe-inspiring waterfalls so much before you begin to ask yourself where the nearest pub is.

On the bright side, Laos is a friendly place, where you're far less likely to be attacked by bandits or raiders or Communist forces. While some cynics claim this is because you're carrying bags of cash into their country, the more realistic view is that the Laotians are actually happy to see you. On an unrelated note, anti-depression medicine is made near the country's central water supply.

Indonesia

Indonesia: the very name conjures up...well, it makes you think of.... Okay, it may not make you think of anything other than a bunch of islands. Well, up until recently, you would be right. Then the President walked under a ladder while spilling salt over his shoulder and as a black cat crossed his path.

The end result for Indonesia is disaster after disaster. Bloody civil conflicts combined with poundings by Tsunamis have all Indonesians working twenty-four hours a day on a giant four-leaf clover. If it goes according to schedule, it will be ready by early 2007. Assuming another tsunami doesn't destroy it.

Malaysia

There's nothing wrong with Malaysia. It's a pleasant place to go, where all cultures blend harmoniously in order to create a unique synthesis that all travellers can enjoy in. There are touristy areas for the less adventurous, but for those seeking a little more flavor they also offer more exotic fare.

Frankly, it's disgusting. Considering the problems its neighbors face, Malaysia must think it's pretty special to be so great. Oh sure, they had some damage from the Tsunamis, but let's face it- put a small blemish on the prom queen and it makes the rest of her even more beautiful.

Plus, I hear they smell bad. So there.

Philippines

The Philippines are an interesting mix of Anglo and Asian influences. Because the islands were a colony of Spain for many years (until the Spanish-American war), the influence is undeniable. It's often that you will see a Philippino taking a siesta (or nap) after eating a plate of nachos and burritos. Bullfighting is a popular pasttime, and you won't be able to walk anywhere without seeing a traditional sombrero on some young Philipino's head.

Or maybe I'm thinking of Mexico.

Brunei

Somehow, someway the one oil-rich country in the region is an Islamic sultanate. The irony is astounding, but it doesn't mean Brunei is a bad place. On the contrary, because it's so rich and has so few people, the standard of living is insanely high. If you're a resident of Brunei and you live in less than a Giant Palace, you're considered one of the lower classes. No person walks around with fewer servants than 10, and those servants are only members of the idle rich who have decided to see how the "other half" lives. The fact that they too have servants kind of defeats the purpose, but that's just how the country works.

It's not all sunshine, though. Recently the Sultan's son was accused of using a polo mallet two inches too long on the polo grounds. It's quite a scandal, really.

China

Communist China is one big country. And it's hardly Communist anymore. Oh sure, they'll kill some dissidents from time to time just to relive the good old days, maybe have the military march with missiles down the street, but it's kind of a sham. Everything has some great number attached to it, here. Eighty million billion people, seven hundren thousand years of history, and so forth. It's kind of exhausting.

Despite their new-found capitalist leanings, there's still the interior of the country, where the people toil endlessly in rice paddies, seemingly unaware that the year now ends with an "AD" rather than "BC". Kind of like Nebraska.

China has one of two futures ahead of it. One of those is to fully embrace capitalism, which will lead to even greater achievements for a span of approximately 3 years, at which point the planet will run out of natural resources for all those people. The second would be to re-embrace their communist roots and cast out the new capitalist influences, which will undoubtedly lead to a global nuclear conflict. It's a comforting thought, either way.

Japan

Ancient Japan was a beautiful and mysterious place. There was art in the delicate Kanji characters that the people created, and it helped that they weren't getting tattooed on stupid foreigners who think the one that means "dumbass" really means "valor". Samurai and ninja fought for the honor of their feudal lords, and the sword had a nearly mystical and spiritual quality and meaning. The Emperor himself refused to allow European trade to come until the 1850s.

Then, they had the atomic bomb dropped on them, and went insane.

Now, they sleep in individual tubes and draw horrific hentai scenes. They sell panties alongside dried octopus in vending machines. They make brilliant inventions, and then torture us by making smaller and more useful versions six months later. It's an America on overdrive with a completely different set of phobias and neurosis. It's a great place, but you almost want to calm them down a bit, maybe introduce them to your "friend" with the dreadlocks who smells like patchoulli. He'll definitely mellow them out.

The Penis Post

2006-03-14T15:45:00.000-08:00

Today, I will be talking about cocks. Shlongs. Willies. One-eyed-wonder-weasels. In short, the human penis. More specifically, the human male penis. Perhaps in a separate post I will discuss the female penis and why that girl you took home is no girl at all but it doesn't make you gay.

What is the human penis? Obviously, it's a funny little bit of flesh that wiggles around, and then wiggles around less and less the more you wiggle it. But you keep wiggling it, don't you, you naughty, naughty person? But what else is it? In my opinion, it is the single guiding force for civilization. Great thinkers like Aristotle and Plato had penises, as did great leaders. Alexander the Great, for example, had a penis. Napoleon had a penis. Even Hitler had a penis, and perhaps if he had used it a bit more he wouldn't have been so uptight. He certainly was a cock, though.

The penis is well-designed. It comes in three styles, circumcised, natural and picante. There are infinite variations on the penis-some are small, some are large. Some are straight and could be used to drive nails, while others curve enough that they can pee around corners. It's a simple design, but has been exceedingly popular- you never see any corkscrew or square shaped toys at the adult bookstore. It's no coincidence that skyscrapers, fast cars and monuments are phallic. The designers of those things are all basically saying "this is my surrogate penis."

There are men who have large endowments, and these men would love nothing more than to wear a tight g-string, along with a matching hat and shirt denoting their large size. They might even want to pass out flyers or little pennants to make everyone aware of their stature. Fortunately, they do not.

There are men with small penises who feel as though they've been given a raw deal, but I encourage them to look at the benifits of a small penis: it can fit into small places, for example. Additionally, you never have the problem of embarassing yourself with a large erection in public.
Women will tell you that size "doesn't matter". Women also tell men with large penises that it does. At least they're humoring one of you.

Technology, too can aid men in search of a larger penis. With just a few keystrokes, your penis can go from 3 to 7 to upwards of 13 inches in length, at least until someone demands proof, in which case there's Photoshop. This electronic penis, or "e-penis", is limited only by your imagination.

Even if the penis goes out of style, it still has plenty of uses: towel hook, for example. Or if you put marks on it with a pencil, it makes a handy ruler. With such adaptibility, it's hard to thing of a future without the mighty penis.

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 6: Scandanavia

2006-03-12T16:12:00.000-08:00

We're going to the cold and wintery northlands today. Of course, I'm talking about Scandanavia, which contains most of the penis-shaped countries of the world. Aside from their phallic shape, Scandanavia is known for physically perfect women and men who have been hardened by their existence in these blasted hinterlands.

Finland

Finland, Finland, Finland: The country where I want to be hunting, trekking or camping. Or just watching TV.

Finland is the easternmost of the Scandanavian countries, and borders Russia on it's east. Interestingly, the Finns call their land Suomi- it's the Swedes who called it Finland, so of course the obvious name to use was the foreigners' one. If you call it Suomi, expect a pleased little smile. For years, it was under control of the Russians, who ostensibly were interested in the land for ice for their thriving pre-Soviet sno-cone industry.

Over 68% of Finland is covered in trees. Combine this with the Northern Lights phenomenon and long winter nights, and you have the setting for many creepy horror films in which the victim trips. Why do they always trip? Anyways, the long nights mean that Finns are in a deep hibernation, and emerge from their homes only to curse God for placing their country in such a northern latitude.

Sweden

Earlier I remarked that many of the Scandanavian countries are penis shaped: looked at another way, Sweden is the penis, surrounded by the more testicular Norway and Finland.

Sweden was a great power in Europe; sadly, their reign of greatness lasted a mere 4.3 hours, when King Gustav II decided to have pasta for dinner, which began the mobilization of the armed forces for an invasion of Europe. The end came when he changed his mind and had fish instead.

During WW2, Sweden was neutral, kind of how the US was neutral until December 1941. The Swedes traded coal for ore with Germany, joked with Italy about how Churchill was fat, and feigned ignorance when they were accused of shipping war materials in boxes that were marked "To Germany, XOXO Sweden". Since then, they have been neutral, and have dedicated themselves to simply taking over the world with cell phones and IKEA furniture. The economic benefits have led the government to try and re-establish the Norse pantheon with catchy advertising slogans such as "Odin wants you" and "Thor-not just for neo-Nazis anymore".

Norway

They have lovely fjords. Along with Sweden and Denmark, this country was once the homeland of the bloody and dangerous Viking raiders, who attacked along the coasts of every country they could get their ships to. In the dark ages, there was nothing more frightening than seeing a great band of hairy, fur-clad barbarians step out of a ship bedecked with a dragon's head. The country is not so much different today, except that instead of frightening berserkers, it's populated by neatly-groomed Ministers for Internal Development of Arts and Culture and the like. You may say that they're very different than the past, but I bet if you get them really angry they'll rape and pillage something.

Pretty much the only thing to dislike about Norwegians today is their whaling practices: while most of the world argues that whaling is a horrible practice that should be left in the past, Norway argues that that may be true, but there's nothing better than a fresh orca burger. Sadly, Norway never read Moby Dick, so they don't understand the symbolism that Melville was conveying- that hunting giant albino whales will eventually lead to your death at their hands.

Denmark

Denmark is the wild child of the Scandinavian states. The people aren't as reserved as in, say, Finland or Sweden. This comes from being at a latitude where you actually get to see the sun every single day.

Denmark, despite it's small size, is a powerhouse- in the past, it has ruled most of Scandanavia, England and Ireland, the Virgin Islands and also secretly held Australia until the British came and claimed it in public. This has manifested not only in the danish being a popular item in Australia (where it is called the gabaladoo), but the indiginous population of Australia all speak excellent Danish- it's just that nobody ever asks them to.

The Daned invented Lego blocks, which have become so popular that the entire nation's infrastructure is now made up of Legos. While this may seem strange, it makes them incredibly adaptable- as long as they have little 2x4 thin blocks. You can never have too many of those.

Iceland

The name Iceland is actually a misnomer: only 93% of the country is made of ice. The remaining land is snow-blasted tundra. While it makes agriculture difficult, the popularity of sledding increases every year.

Iceland is well-known as the world's oldest democracy. It didn't work quite like modern democracies: The legislative body would take a vote, and then whoever had swords killed whoever voted against them. Then they voted again.

The economy is very cyclical. First, people go and fish, usually drunk. Then they sell their fish and go drinking. And that's pretty much the cycle.

Many nations point to their famous artists and writers. Iceland's cultural development has been exclusively focused towards a better nightlife: If you go down to a bar, you're guaranteed to be drunk and going home with a stranger within 30 minutes or less. They're nothing if not efficient.

Up next, heading south- but how could we not?

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 5: Australia and Oceania

2006-03-05T20:13:00.000-08:00

In this section of the Guide, I'll be discussing Australia and Oceania. Not to be confused with one of the Orwellian super-states of 1984, Oceania is really just a bunch of really, really tiny islands that, when combined, form a giant robot that battles space monsters.

American Samoa

Tropical Islands, Tropical Heat, Tropical drinks. These three things will be a constant in our travels throughout Oceania. Just like when 50's sci-fi movies wanted to make something sound futuristic, they put "space" in front of it (i.e. The Space Toothbrush), so do these islands put tropical in front of words to make them sound more, well, tropical.

American Samoa was a nice place way up until it was exposed in the US for it's primative living conditions in the 60's. The locals were fine with this, but in true American fashion, the US knew what was better for them, and spent a ton of money modernizing the island. The money ran out right about 1970, though, so if you visit here, they're just entering the disco era. Exercise extreme caution

Cook Islands

The Cook Islands are a bunch of pariah islands. The first explorer came here in 1595, but didn't even bother claiming them for his country. Captain Cook himself passed on through to Hawaii, and then realized that maybe he shouldn't have gone there.

Missionaries came and converted the populace, or at least they think they did. The locals would mimic them and make fun when the missionaries weren't looking.

Today, the Cook Islands' motto is "If you can't go anywhere else, come here, I guess."

The Federated States of Micronesia

These islands are, on the exterior, doggedly hanging on to their traditional culture. Loincloths and stone currency are still used, at least when tourists are around.

Underground, though, a strange and alien culture thrives. Suboceanic tunnels connect the islands and also lead to a giant cavern where factories continually pump out new weapons. The Federated States of Micronesia's aim is none other to take over the entire world, thus creating the Larger Federated States of Micronesia.

Nefarious, isn't it?

Fiji

It's a sign of just how many islands are in the area when these countries are made up of a number of them. Fiji, for example, is made of 381,000 islands. You'd think it would be hard to administer all of the different islands, and you would be right. Half of the people think they're in French Polynesia, and when told differently, they just shrug.

Guam

Another unincorporated American territory- this basically means it's a testing ground for American ordinance as well as all of our unused copies of TV Guide from March 3, 1996.

Guam is best known for being captured and then liberated in WW2. Today, it's a big tourist destination for Japanese people, which leads me to believe they're conducting a second invasion. At someone's signal, they're all going to drop their cameras and fanny packs and pick up rifles, and then it will all be over.

Kiribati

Imagine if you planned a trip for weeks to a beautiful tropical island, and when you got there it was a Catholic church. It would suck. Nuns would be running around the beaches in flip-flops, Priests would be giving sermons aboard surfboards and altar boys...well, they'd still be molested, but they'd have tans.

The rest of the story isn't so rosy either. Hydrogen bomb tests by the UK in the 70's gave everyone a healthy glow. Rising ocean levels mean the the island may be going underwater. So in a few years, there will be lots of interesting snorkeling.

Marshall Islands

The Marshall Islands are a perfect paradise. Sun-kissed islanders with joyful dispositions float gracefully over the clean beaches, serving pasty foreigners in folding chairs ice cold drinks. The waters are crystal clear and full of varied sea life, and there is plenty for all to share.

Um, just stay away from Bikini Atoll.

Nauru

If you lie down, you will cover the entirety of Nauru. Where the rest of the world is concerned about oil supplies, Nauru worries about the decline of their phosphate mining industries. Like all suddenly-rich people, Nauru went on a spending spree, and bought a bunch of cars they didn't need, and got those heated tiles in their bathroom floor; that's just wasteful.

Needless to say, get there before the phosphate runs out or you'll encounter an island where the living envy the dead, and the dead envy nobody, because they're already dead.

New Caledonia

This island made me look up where the original Caledonia was, and it turns out it was in Scotland. Now, maybe I'm missing something, but it seems wrong to compare a beautiful tropical island with the foggy cold north of England. On the other hand, if everyone here speaks with a brogue, that's totally awesome.

New Zealand

Until recently, New Zealand was a relatively normal place. Then everyone started filming their fantasy epics here, and now orcs have overrun 72% of the island. Where they have conquered, there are no survivors. Fortunately an army of dwarves and elves are marching from the south to meet the evil menace.

Worse, the entire population has become a bunch of D&D nerds, and have developed skin conditions, bad eyesight and awkwardness around girls.

The US is currently planning a mission to airlift 2 tons of malt liquor and over a million copies of Playboy to the country. Taking up this mission is the 82nd Noogie squad. We can only pray that it is not too late.

Niue

Captain Cook originally called these the "Savage Islands". Why they ever changed the name, I will not know. The whole island has free wireless internet, which is really what you should be spending your time doing on a tropical island.

Northern Mariana Islands

Let's say you're a company, and you need cheap labor. You can't depend on China, because of the communism, and Latin America is so passe. Come here, to the Northern Marianas. Poor labor laws make it the perfect place to exploit the workers.

There are also a lot of tourists here. If you see a big bus filled with old men in too-short shorts and women wearing fuschia visors, you've found them.

Palau

Blah, blah, blah... paradise-like island... blah blah blah.. ecological wonderland of delight. Ho hum.

Papua New Guinea

There are certain places where cultures collide, and PNG is no exception. There are approximately 5 million people in these islands, each of whom belongs to a different ethnicity. Be sure to study each one, as incorrectly identifying the one you're dealing with will have a penalty ranging from death by poison needles to death by marathon sex, depending on the culture.

Pitcairn Island

These islands were settled by the mutineers from the HMS Bounty. You might think there's no better people to live with than mutineers, and you would be right. There's just under 50 people on the island these days, and that comes with all the benefits and negatives you might expect; miss a day of church and everyone will wonder where you were. Everyone is a star on Pitcairn.

Samoa

Samoa has one purpose, and that is to be devistated by natural disasters every 6-9 months. Every time you see some typhoon or cyclone or ufo attack, there's a good chance that it happened in Samoa.

This situation does not detract from the Samoans favorite pasttime, which is making fun of people in American Samoa.

Solomon Islands

The Solomon Islands decided to get their system of government from South America, which explains why there hasn't been a stable government since the late 90's. There's been relative calm since 2003, so if you wear a fancy disguise, you may be able to visit. Just be aware that the leader when you arrive may not be the leader when you leave.

Tahiti & French Polynesia

Shockingly, these islands are French. These are the islands most people think of when they imagine the South Pacific, and boy do they try to live up to the image everyone has of them. It's like they looked at every Gaugin painting and said "That's what we're trying for." Crime is not allowed, since it doesn't fit in with the theme.

Still, it's rather unnerving to see them celebrating Bastille Day.

Tokelau, Tonga, Tuvalu and Vanuatu

You will be cursed and set upon by crazy natives if you come to any of these nations. Giant apes, dinosaurs, insects and bears fight for supremacy in unspoiled jungle. Currently, the ruler is Humongous Bear, but there's rumor that the Dinosaur party has a young up-and-comer that might challenge in Parliament, especially given Humongous Bear's atrocious domestic policy record, which included the failure to keep Massive Bee from stinging Colossal Tiger.

Wallis & Futuna

As far as I know, this is a sitcom, not a pair of islands. Apparently, they are islands, and they don't want any of your dirty tourist money. They work the land, and if they get to retire to oceanside homes beside clear, sparkling oceans, that doesn't make them any different than the guy working in the coal mine in Virginia.

Australia

Australia has five beautiful coastal cities; Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Perth and Adelaide. 90% of the population lives in these cities. As far as I can tell, the rest live in the mysterious and 80's-popularized Outback. The Outback is described by Australians as a place of varied climates and ecologies; for everyone else, it's called a desert.

Australians are characterized as tough individuals. This is reflected in their sports, such as twelve different versions of rugby that vary only in how much you can hurt the opposing players. In the most deadly version, they get rid of the ball altogether and just have a big brawl in the middle of the field.

Australia lies in the Southern Hemisphere, which means that everything is backwards there. Water spirals the wrong way down the sink, the seasons are completely wrong, and I believe they all walk and talk backwards, which may also explain some of the more interesting colloquialisms, such as "illywhacker" (a trickster), "ocker" (uh, someone with a name of Oscar) and "gullabullee" (tree). When an Australian comes up to you and starts speaking in this strange tongue, just ask them as loudly as possible if they speak English.

Australians are happy people, but they are invariably tied to their beaches. If they travel 20 miles away from a beach, they begin to feel a slight discomfort. If they continue to move away, death usually occurs at around 85 miles. The only way to keep an Australian fresh is by packing him or her in sand and occassionally splashing salt water on them.

Culturally, Australians have a rich history of distinctive visual artists, but they are best and most accurately portrayed in the movies Mad Max and Crocodile Dundee. These films show that if Australians aren't guiding foreigners through their native Outback with giant knives, they're fighting in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Surely, this is how Australians want the world to see them.

View from a window

2006-03-02T11:11:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong for me to watch people from my office window, looking down on those who are unconscious of my gaze? Is it wrong to wonder what they're doing outside, walking around, wondering about their lives and hopes and dreams? Is it wrong to visualize what would happen if I threw a grenade or shot a rocket launcher at them?

Of course I would never actually do such a thing. The window doesn't open so I'd have to break it, and that's just being ridiculous.

The only way I could see myself breaking the window would be to escape from a fire or something. There's a tree outside, so I guess I could leap to that and then climb down. Of course, I'm probably overestimating my jumping ability, so I'd wind up on the ground with two broken legs and everyone would have calmly exited down the fire escape because it wasn't really a conflagration, just a bit of smoke from a burned Pop Tart in the toaster.

I'm always planning for different scenarios. Like if terrorists rapelled down into our building, I have a plan to fight them off: I would hide behind the door, because they'd never expect that, and then choke them with a computer power cable. Then armed with my victim's weapon, I would systematically hunt each terrorist down until there was a final showdown with the terrorist boss, who I imagine has some kind of metal hand or eyepatch or some other distinguishing features: maybe muttonchops.

In fact, in retrospect a lot of my plans are for dealing with intruders in different places: on the plane, in the office, if I'm in bed. It's good to be prepared, because you never know when a team of paramilitary commandos is going to try and cause trouble. And their obvious target is me, of course: forget the President or someone else important, if I'm taken hostage, it's all over.

Now, if it was a team of commandos who just happened to be super hot ladies, I might have to surrender. I mean, you have to plan for every plausible situation, right?

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 4: Western Europe

2006-02-26T20:36:00.000-08:00

Welcome to our next leg on the World Tour. Western Europe is generally differentiated from Eastern Europe in that there's less babushkas in the West. If you're travelling towards Russia and suddenly you hit head hankerchief country, you're in Eastern Europe.

Here are the countries, and my thoughts about them after Googling them:

Portugal

A trend we will notice with European countries is that they all have the Glory Days. For Portugal, this was the 15th century, when they figured they were closest to the New World, and so sent a bunch of ships out towards it. Thanks to them (and the Pope), you now have to figure out if the country you're going to speaks Spanish or Portuguese.

Ironically, much like many of the countries they claimed, the Portuguese were run by a dictator for much of the 20th century. This makes their former colonies laugh.

Today, Portugal is known for terrible drivers, and exports them throughout the world. The next time you're cut off in traffic, it may not be the person's fault- they may be Portuguese.

Spain

Spain is a strange and foreign land. That's because everything is written in Spanish. But even if it were written in English, it would still be a strange place. The country was conquered by Muslims, and they tried their hardest to make up for it. Let's face it, the whole Inquisition thing was basically just an attention cry to point out how Christian they were.

Nowadays, Spain is a magnet for lonely ladies who get a thrill out of hearing a greasy young man speak with a thick foreign accent. This means he's "exotic"; at least, until you realize he works at the local McDonalds selling hamburgesas.

France

France gets a bad rap. They're stinky, they always surrender, they are assholes. This may not be warranted, but it's funny. France, at least, has the culture to back up their snobbery- art, food and culture are held in high esteem. It's better than some Republic of Honksylvania proclaiming their superiority to the world. Nonetheless, France still has challenges ahead of it: keeping it's cars from being destroyed, for example. Also, it might be a good idea to install some air conditioning in those old folks homes. Oh, and for God's sake, clean up your dog's crap on the street. Or maybe you're just a bunch of fetid, jerkass cowards.

Andorra

Andorra is wedged in between France and Spain in the middle of the Pyrenees. With small countries, there are two choices: remain an obscure backwater or remain an obscure backwater with high priced attractions. Andorra has chosen the latter, and has basically transformed it's entire area into a ski resort. There's a double black diamond run that goes from the north of the country to the south, but the lift line is a bitch.

England

Jolly Olde England! The land is named, of course, for the native Engs that settled here. To me, England is what America would be if we all talked silly all the time. Never mind that the majority of American culture and law is based on the English model; they call elevators "lifts". That's charming. English cuisine is also known worldwide; they're well known for the blandest, most disgusting food ever to be created. Any country that serves "blood pudding" needs to rethink it's whole plan.

England benefits from people's fuzzy ideas of how and when the Empire spread. In film and tv, I've seen Romans, French, Spanish and even Imperial Stormtroopers with British accents. To be British is to be thought of as more civilized, more refined. And yet, flying in the face of this is the food. There are lots of Englishmen who dislike the many immigrants on the shores, but at least they're bringing in a decent meal.

Wales

The Welsh, when considered separately from the rest of the United Kingdom, have a romantic mythos about them. They bring to mind druids and trees and all sorts of other crap that eleven year old girls dream about. In reality, they are just as pasty and Protestant as the rest of the island; they just have a language that makes people's tongues explode from their heads. The English didn't conquer the Welsh so much to gain their land as to make them stop speaking that wacky language.

Scotland

Here's what my idea of every Scotsman is: He's that loud friend of yours who drinks a little too much at the party and goes a little too crazy and then goes insane when you try to calm them down. In other words, they're a good time. I realize this is probably a wildly inaccurate view and generalizes every Scotsman, but that's the way it goes. They had one shot to ingrain themselves on my consciousness, and that opportunity was Braveheart, so now I imagine them to all be crazy, freedom-loving barbarians. I will be sadly disappointed if I go there and they're not killing at least a few English.

Ireland

Ireland strikes me as a contrary place: voice any sort of opinion here and you'll have a group of people with the opposite stance. For example:

Person one: "I like peas."
Person two: "You fooking arsehole, peas kilt me pa!"

It's a whole nation of people whose entire purpose of living is to be contrary, to fight whatever rules that others try to place on them and to live life as raucously as possible.

However, they make Guinness here, so I forgive them.

Italy

Welcome to Italy. Every third cathedral you see was designed by Michelangelo and every other one by Leonardo. Italy is the home of the Roman Empire, which did pretty well as far as Empires go. When you come here, chances are you're probably going to have some pasta. Just a guess, there. If you are a woman or an effeminate male, you will be approached or humped by the local boys. It's just their way of saying hello. Oh, and "I'm going to have sex with you whether you realize it or not." There's pretty much a competition between Spain and Italy to see how many nubile young foreign girls they can coax into bed; and yet, there is no winner between them.

Belgium

I don't want to say anything bad about Belgium. They're friendly, they have chocolate and beer, they've been picked on by other countries for plenty of years. The only downside to the country is that it's so small that everything becomes a major news story. Take a plane here and you might find yourself on the front page of the paper. Buy a newspaper there and you'll be on the evening news. And forget about renting a car- the paparazzi will follow you incessantly.

The other funny thing about Belgium is that the country is made up of two hilarious groups: The Flemish and the Walloons. There has never been war between these two groups because the idea of a Flemish-Walloon conflict is enough for people to cancel the whole thing based on it's ridiculousness.

Austria

Germany gets a bad rap for being the bad guy in both of the World Wars, but it's really Austria's fault. In WWI, it was the assassination of the Austro-Hungarian Emperor's nephew that started things, and we all know Hitler was an Austrian. And yet Austria has gotten off relatively scot free.

In reality, Austria is just Germany 2. Sure, it may be slightly different, but everyone here is basically German. I bet they always take Germany's side in things, too. Like if the Czech Republic is getting all irritated over something Germany is doing, Austria is all like "What's up? Didn't expect another Germany, did you?".

It also could be I don't know what I'm talking about.

Netherlands

The Dutch are leading a double life. On the outside, they are normal, happy, well-adjusted people with good jobs and families. But once you go inside their house, you see the mirror on the ceiling, the handcuffs on the bed and the wide array of sex toys arrayed on the rotating waterbed. Want to see beautiful art and architecture? The Netherlands has it. Want to smoke some hash with the midget transsexual prostitute who's plying her body in the window? You can do that too. The Dutch realize that you sometime need midget transsexuals as much as you need to see another museum full of Van Goghs.

Germany

Oh, Germany. You are a home to some of the world's finest musicians and artists. You have good, solid food, an efficient and friendly population. You have beer gardens. Every time you talk, it sounds like some Jews are about to die, which, admittedly, isn't a good thing, but it does make you sound authoritative.

I have to admit, I love you.

I don't know why. As a half-Jewish person myself, I probably shouldn't have such a love affair with you. And yet, you took evil and made it as evil as it could possibly be. But I don't love you for your evil. It was the theatrics associated with it. Black and grey and steel and orderly: writers could not invent a better villain than the one you provided. I still don't quite understand it myself. Perhaps it was that you were so invincible, and yet we took you down regardless.

And I love you for your redemption. For rebuilding yourself after being beat down and called all kinds of names and never quite trusted. I don't understand, you crazy Nazis, and maybe I never will...

I'm a Handyman, man

2006-02-25T19:26:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a wee lad, I've loved to build things. First, it was my lincoln logs, with which I could make many a rustic dwelling which could be used as general store, blockhouse to fight Indians or birthplace of Abraham Lincoln, who would then fight Indians. As I got older, I was enraptured with Legos, those little swedish blocks fueling my imagination as I built castles, spaceships and scale models of robotic warriors who wore stovepipe hats.

I grew up, as we all do, and now I am a man. As such, I am required to do miscellaneous acts of workmanship in order to keep up or improve my home. There are three ranks in this realm, each of which has it's own challenges and rewards, and which require additional tools. They are now listed:

Low-difficulty job aka The Simplexor
---------------------
Tools needed: Hammer or screwdriver. Manly brawn.

Examples: Screw in a lightbulb, fix the toaster, put nail in the wall, unscrew something, reach something high up. Bash something, like spiders.

Typical comments: "Let me help.", "Don't worry, I can reach/get it/pound the living crap out of it.", "You got me off the couch for this?", *bemused look*

Reward: Slight feeling of accomplishment, bringing it up in argument.

Downside: If you fail, you might as well turn in your man card.

Medium Difficulty job aka The Bragston Special
---------------------
Tools needed: Normal hand tools. Those little hex wrenches that come with stuff. Bonus points for power tools.

Examples: Furniture built from kits, hanging ceiling fans, installing shower doors, most car repair, electrical/plumbing repair.

Typical Comments: "I need to get a new drill at the store for this.", "Yeah, it was tough, but I found a way to make it work.", "This is all I can do today, sorry I can't go antiquing."

Reward: Unsubstantiated feeling of accomplishment, bragging to friends and family. Possible sexual favors by grateful partner.

Downside: Some of these jobs might actually contain the possibility of bodily harm. Time consuming. Failure means that you get to call a professional, who you will seethe at.

High Difficulty Job aka The Holy Handyman
----------------------
Tools needed: Those that are often required at building construction sites.

Examples: Carving furniture from solid tree trunks, Wiring a new guest house which you also built yourself from lumber which you chopped down. Anything hewn from "the living rock".

Typical comments: "I used a j-bar joint on the flange to keep the maxidontal tracepts from pushing in on the tollinary bracket.", "This reminds me of the time I built a log cabin using a dull knife.", "Yeah, rebuilding that engine was hard, but it was worth the extra effort to port and polish the manifold."

Reward: Crowd of gawkers. Sexual relations, possibly from impressed males. Boasting rights to equal an astronaut.

Downside: Everyone asks you for advice and help on their projects. You are certain to lose a few limbs if you do this enough, and then you're forced to become a shop teacher.

Mahd's guide to the world, part 3: The countries of South America

2006-02-22T08:41:00.000-08:00

Ah, South America. Just like North America, except with a lower latitude, and lots of guerilla warfare. And Spanish and Portuguese. Otherwise, exactly the same. Oh yeah, and the tropical diseases that will kill you within ten minutes of arriving. And I bet there's some kind of really venemous snakes, too.

Argentina

When most people think of Argentina, they think of one thing: Nazis. It may not seem obvious at first- the language and multiculturalism seem to indicate a normal society. But look deeper at the nation and the truth comes out: it's teeming with former Nazis. For proof of this, look no further than the Falklands war. Declaring war on Britain? Seems like a very Nazi-ish thing to do to me. Fortunately, Argentina only has old Nazis these days, who are more likely to take an afternoon nap after eating too much at the senior buffet than blitzkrieg anywhere, so that's a good thing.

Bolivia

Every continent has to have a country that everyone picks on, and for South America, that's Bolivia. Chile, Peru, Brazil and Argentina all have taken land from the country, and have also instructed their troops to give Bolivians wedgies, but have so far have refrained from issuing orders to use Atomic Wedgies (also known as Wedgies of Mass Destruction). In spite of this, Bolivians can point to their cultural heritage and unspoiled wildernesses as points of pride. Also, they have lots of cocaine.

Brazil

Going to Brazil is a little like walking down a dark alley to a really fun party. At it's best, Brazil is a hedonist's dream. Lots of beautiful people, lots of booze, lots of sand and sun. On the other hand, there's a good chance you'll be stabbed by a gang of children while sitting on a bench. In Brazil, it's common to have plastic surgery; by the age of 12, if you haven't had a boob job, you're considered a relic. This applies to both men and women, which leads to some very confused tourists, but Brazillians don't care because they're too busy enjoying their food and music and stabbings.

Chile

Chile is kind of a textbook case for South America. Native population ruthlessly conquered by Spanish conquistadors? Check. Bloody revolution against said Spanish? Check. Marxist revolution in the early 20th century to be followed by landowning oligarchy followed by another Marxist revolution and suspected-CIA-involvement in overthrowing Marxists? Check.

In other ways, Chile is very different. The llamas, for example.

Colombia

What happened to Colombia? The fact of the matter was, there was something seriously wrong if you weren't immediately killed or kidnapped the second you stepped into the country. Drugs ran the place. The country's presidents would vow to stamp out drugs, and everyone would have a good laugh and then there would be a coup. It worked like clockwork.

But now- now, they're actually trying to stop the murder and drug-running and kidnappings. They're not succeeding very well, but they're making an effort, and I for one am appalled. If Colombia goes straight, where will we get the settings for our movies where the hero's plane crashes into a rainforest? It's a shame is what it is.

Ecuador

Ecuador is a small country, but like many countries in the region, it has had an adjustment period to get used to freedom. In Ecuador, that period has been 176 years, and it seems many inhabitants are content to let the military rule the country. Perhaps it's because they suffer no matter who's in charge, and at least with military rule they have fancy hats.

Offshore, there are the Galapagoes Islands. These islands, full of natural creatures, inspired Charles Darwin to come up with his theory of evolution. I know it sounds impressive, but I think he also named some of the birds on the islands "boobies", so maybe he wasn't as mature as we all think.

French Guiana

French Guiana is so named because the population all wears little berets and striped shirts. Okay, maybe not, but it would be funny if they did. This colony proves the French are assholes, because it's hot, sticky, raining all the time and rife with disease: therefore, they decided to make it a prison colony, which it pretty much has been up until recent years, when it was granted some independence. This means, of course, a Marxist revolution will occur in the next few months...

Guyana

Guyana's real distinction is that it's the only South American country that uses English as their primary langauge. Like many of the countries here, it has lots of beautiful, breathtaking natural scenery. This is code which means that there's no infrastructure whatsoever. In fact, it's pretty much assured that your five-star resort here is going to have a mud floor, your car is going to be from some former Soviet republic, and your money can purchase entire villages.

Paraguay

Compared to it's neighbors, Paraguay is milquetoast. It's bland. There's no dramatic struggle between government forces and paramilitary guerrilas. There's no thriving drug trade, or obsession with plastic surgery. If you were to travel here, you would probably see some interesting things and have a nice coffee at an open air cafe without the threat of gunfire disrupting the idyllic scene. If you're going to take the trouble to go all the way to South America, you think you'd go somewhere where you could at least have the thrill of searching for diamonds in a tropical rainforest, but Parguay won't even allow that, so what's the use?

Peru

Peru is the home of the Landmark Most Likely to Make Children Giggle: Lake Titicaca. It's also the center of the once mighty Incan empire, which ruled thanks to it's great and terrible llama force which would come down the mountains to meet their enemies and gently lick their hands and faces, because they're adorable. In Peru, European style merges with native influences to create what is known as mestizo, or "Art that merges European and Native elements".

Suriname

Where Guyana is English and French Guiana is, well, French, Suriname is Dutch, which makes you wonder why the country's name doesn't have more vowels and j's in it, like Sjurinjaame or something. 80% of the country is covered in rainforest, so there are lots of logging companies that want at that timber. Environmentalists are aware of this, so there are 5 people chaining themselves to trees for every native Surinamerite(erator).

Uruguay

Uruguay is where Brazillians go for vacation. A pleasant climate, nice beaches, political stability and safety all have brought some reknown to this charming country. Unfortunately, besides the aforementioned lake in Peru, the Second Place Finisher was Uruguay, which is laughed at when slightly mispronounced by teenagers. Uruguay is also home to gauchos, which are kind of like cowboys except that they are foreigners. Well, not in Uruguay, where cowboys are the foreigners.

Venezuela

Venezuela has been in the news quite a bit recently. Being "in the news" generally only means that you have internal strife and rioting if you're a South American country, but in this case it's some crazy guy who got elected President and started yelling about America. Yelling about the US tends to be a good way to take eyes off of your internal problems (I mean, who doesn't hate the US, right?). If travelling to Venezuela, be sure to get a Pina Colada and then complain about the service, because everyone likes tourists that reinforce negative images.

That's it for this installment: Next, the Northern Hemisphere, perhaps? Depends on my mood, and what I had for dinner.

Mahd's guide to the world, part 2: The countries of the middle east

2006-02-16T13:58:00.000-08:00

The mideast is a complex and ever-changing area of the world. Despite this, there is one word that always springs to mind whenever the region is mentioned: peace. No, perhaps it's not the same kind of peace that you might expect at a camp sing-along, but it's a peace nonetheless: the peace after the end of a heated gun battle, for example. Or the brief millisecond of peace that occurs once a year before people start killing each other again.

Nonetheless, the people of the mideast are a hearty, friendly people (provided you worship the same God in the same way as them). Without further ado, here's the background on the countries of the mideast:

Bahrain

Bahrain is often known as the "gateway" middle eastern state. It has the luxury of not being located next to a sworn enemy, so the people there are less assiduous about arming themselves. Indeed, Bahrain is known as a great tourist destination, where people go so that they can go home and tell people they visited the Mideast, which makes them look daring, when in reality they just spent it on the beach here.

Iran

Iran is kind of like the minister who rails against pornography, then goes home to his S&M dungeon. On the exterior, they keep it real, shouting about the Death of America and capitalism and all sorts of other popular opinions. In reality, though, they have the McDonalds french fries hanging out of their mouths and the iPods in their ears when they say these things, so it's kind of hard to take them seriously. Iran is that kid in school who makes fun of the nerds in public, but sneaks away to cosplay at the Comiccon.

Iraq

Yeah....Iraq...um. They used to be Babylon, so that's cool. Nobody really knows what the future of Iraq is, but my bet is that the entire nation is going to be turned into a 70's style disco, so as to drive the insurgents/terrorists/slightly angry people out. Few enough Westerners can stand Disco Duck, so it should definitely help cut down the problems in that country. It's either that, or everyone will be forced to create the world's largest human pyramid. Sure, some people may fall, but in the end, I think everyone will feel a real togetherness if they pull it off.

Israel

There is no country on earth more beloved by it's neighbors than Israel. This is true: the country is loved. The population of the country, however, is not. To say the least. After World War 2, the brightest and best minds sought to find a place where the much maligned Jewish people could finally rest in peace and harmony. To say they screwed up might be an understatement. On the bright side, that reggae guy Matisyahu has that really catchy song.

Jordan

Jordan is a desert wasteland. Most of us look at a picture of the desert with a cactus and a cow skull and think, "Wow, it's really hot there." Jordanians look at this and think, "Wow, a cactus! What a stroke of luck!" The main import for this nation is those nail clippers with the little file thing, because they're continually getting dirt under their fingernails. They do, however, host one hell of a sandcastle building comptetition.

Kuwait

Kuwait is a small, insignificant country, brutally ruled by a cabal of imperial masters...

What? They have oil?

Kuwait is a major player in world affairs, whose golden lands bespeak only of the fairest tidings any land can possess. Their people speak in a language befitting the higher ranks of angels, and they all have dispositions to match. Truly, no nation is as blessed by God as Kuwait.

Lebanon

Lebanon has long been a puppet of bigger, more powerful nations. Phoenecians, Assyrians, Greeks, Romans, Byzantines, Umayyuds, Ottomans, Israel and Syria have all jackbooted their way into the country and occupied it. It's kind of the in thing to do: once in your life, you have to go to New York, go to London, oh, and conquer and rule Lebanon. Definitely do that. Even though it seems like Lebanon is finally going to become independent, it won't last: We all know that Luxembourg is eyeing it greedily...

Oman

Originally, the name of the country was "Dammit", but apparently this was too strong of language for people, so they went with the slightly less vehement present name. Oman is also the founder of all of the classic humor of the region. Not only did they found the small-tent-on-the-outside-but-palatial-inside joke, but also the beautiful-woman-with-ugly-face-behind-veil gag. Also, I think they invented camels.

Qatar & UAE

Like Oman, Qatar's name was invented for a purpose: that is, to make English speakers have fits over language rules. The UAE is simply a clever ploy by non-Americans to have a catchy acronym for a name. What links both of these countries is a love of tourists. Dubai, in particular, is currently draining every bit of water for interesting resorts made out of islands. Future island communities include one shaped like a giant middle finger, as if to give the bird to less prosperous Middle Eastern countries.

Saudi Arabia

Saudi Arabia one of a few holy lands of the Islamic faith. In it's borders are Mecca and Medina, where less than one in a thousand pilgrims is trampled to death over the course of the year. There are, however, other holy sites that are less well-known in the country:

Al-Bazadar, where Muhammad once said, "Whatever happens, I hope that the Jews and us can get along"
Tabuk, a site where Muhammad, Moses, Jesus, the Buddah and several Hindu gods all sat around drinking coffee. Also spotted in the area were Thor, Ra, Hades, Zeus, Habbukak, Ahura Mazda, and several lesser demons and dieties. That makes this this spot the holiest site in the world. A machine shop is currently built on the site.
A trans-dimensional gateway to Omicron 9, a planet of big-breasted nympho alien mistresses. This is where the last known sighting of Muhammad occurred.

Also, Saudi Arabia has lots of oil, and act like dicks because of it.

Syria

Poor Syria. Once the rulers of all of Jordan, Israel, Lebanon and Syria, they're now reduced to their own little country, which is fortunate, because saying Syrisraebanordan is fairly difficult and tiring. All Syria wants is to be loved, and to crush their enemies beneath their boot, wailing and gnashing their teeth. Is that so wrong?

Yemen

Stay the fuck 0ut of Yemen. The Yemenese are good at one thing, and that's causing trouble. They may not even be particularly against whatever they're fighting, but it's expected. It's like your friend who always crushes the beer can against his head; now that he has the reputation for doing it, he's got to keep up appearances, no matter how mushy his frontal lobe has become. That's Yemen- always with the revolution, always with the attacking the status quo. It works for them- it's what they do. We look forward to seeing the next change...from far, far away.

So that's it for the mideast: stay tuned, your country might be next...

2006-02-12T21:10:00.000-08:00

1. First blog you ever read?

This one, after she commented on my first post.

2. What inspired you to start your own?

I thought it would be good to record all of the stuff I wanted to write down, as well as make it a good place to practice writing. Then I just went for cheap laughs.

3. The best and worst about blogging?

The best: having a record of all my stuff and entertaining the few people who come here.

The worst: The genital herpes. Oh wait, that wasn't from the blog...

4. Who was the first person to comment on your blog?

It was Kangaroogirl, from the aforementioned blog.

5. What has been your most popular blog entry?

I don't really, know, but by Statcounter's measure, it's my recent one about the continents.

6. If I re-named my blog I would call it ...

Milk- the rather loud killer.

7. If my blog had a theme song it would be

Uh, I dunno- perhaps a little "Oi to the World"- carefree, and hopefully dictating that we can all enjoy the common foibles of life...

8. If my blog was a room it would look like ...

This will be a two parter, one for this one and one for The Lake.

Milk: Imagine the inside of a pirate ship at Disneyland. Some would be carousing, others drinking, but all would be having a good time: The outside world should not and does not matter here, only the insanity and life within.

Lake: It's the great room of a mountain cabin, wood-paneled with well-worn leather furniture. A verandah looks down the hill past a rushing river towards a tiny town below; a sparkling font of civilation. Up here, though, there is just the verandah, and the stars, and the scent of pines...

9. Five bloggers I would like to have over for dinner.

I'd have all my readers, but it would be far more convenient to just fly to Australia and have dinner there. Do they have Outback in Australia, or do they have a similar American-themed restaurant...an interesting question...

10. Two bloggers you would like to set up on a blind date.

Nah

11. Somebody I wish had a blog?

Sometimes I wish some of my friends had blogs that they didn't know I read. It would be interesting to see what they'd say if they thought nobody was watching...

12. If you were only allowed to read one blog ever again, which blog would it be?

This one, if for no other reason than she updates daily. But there are many other reasons...

13. Is there a fellow blogger you would like to snog / shag / do rude things to?

The realm of fantasy lets us do all sorts of rude things to other bloggers...

14. Discover a blog. Link to a blog that you have recently found, or a blog you have been reading for a while and haven't blogrolled.

I don't blogroll, or read new blogs. I already spend far too much time on the ones I do read.

Tag five bloggers to complete this meme.

No. Do it if you want to...

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 1: The continents

2006-02-05T18:33:00.000-08:00

This is a multi-part series about the world we live in, written from the perspective of someone who has been to not one, but two different countries than the one he resides in. While this might make you think that anything that might be said is uninformed and stupid, keep in mind the writer is an American, and therefore is a font of knowledge about the world.

I. The Continents - General Facts

A. There are several continents, and eight if you count Santa Claus' fortress as it's own. They are, in order of importance: North America, Europe, Asia, Australia, South America, Antarctica and Africa.

B. With the exception of Australia, the further south you go, the worse your continent is. Conversely, your food gets spicier and your salsa music gets salsier. It's common knowledge that penguins at the South Pole have a complex mating dance that involves maracas and drums.

C. Europe and Asia are sometimes lumped together in a big glob called "Eurasia". Africa has lobbied for inclusion, so look for "Afurasia", which, if you're pronouncing it right, sounds like an Englishman saying "half Eurasia". North and South America will be combined into the more simple "Supermerica" or possibly "Ultramerica".

D. It's incorrectly stated that Australia is the only continent that has a single country. North America also fills this condition, with the United States in the center, America Jr. above and America en Espanol below.

II. Antarctica- Free for all; also, fucking cold.

Antarctica is the largest continent- it's also the most empty, with fewer than 3 Starbucks' coffee franchises in a square mile. All of the nations of the world have agreed that Antarctica is off-limits for human expansion, though I bet those sneaky Russian bastards crossed their fingers when they said it and have some kind of creepy underground caverns where the Soviet Empire still thrives. Nonetheless, the official ruler of Antarctica is King Penguin the 1321st, the previous ruler having been killed by a polar bear. Since there's no people here, except for some stupid scientists who somehow believe they're going to learn something in a ice-covered wasteland, there's not much to talk about.

III. Europe- Land of a million goddamned cathedrals.

Europe has a long and boring history, mostly concerned with the land rights of pasty white nobles. The land itself is a beautiful one, rolling plains and hills that conceal the bones of all those people who fought for the pasty nobles. If there's one thing a European loves, it's killing another European. Germans like killing Poles; English like killing the French; Everyone beats up on Albania. All of the innovation that took place in Europe was due to them needing machines to take the place of all the people that died in various wars.

Today, Europe is a very different place. Today, everything is smaller, more expensive and more snobby than ever. To be European is en vogue, which itself is a French word. Rather than killing each other, Europeans are trying to get along, and that means they all use the same money now. The figure on their money is Otto von Bismarck with Queen Victoria's eyebrows photoshopped on, and they are working to combine Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower into a mega-monument that will spout curses in the three hundred languages that Europeans speak. All told, Europe is in a peaceful transition period full of hope, which, if history is any indication, will probably wind up with Germany invading someone.

III. Asia - Voted World's Swarthiest continent

Asia is a large continent, and stretches from the Japanese floating out in the East to former Soviet republics in the west, and from India in the south to a bunch of uninhabitable icy islands where humanity ekes out a miserable existence in the north. Historically, Asia has been conquered and reconquered, giving it's captors the vital 7 armies that they can use until George decides to leave the game because "it's boring" but you think it's cause he rolled lousy on his last turn.

Asia was home of the Soviet Union, a communist nation whose red empire spread like watery ketchup over everything it touched, if 1950's propaganda films are to be believed. Finally, they lost the "evil empire" rights they had won from the Germans after World War II, and they broke up. Some speculate that this was due to the guitarist dating the drummer's ex-girlfriend, but this was never substantiated.

On Asia's east coast are the so-called Asians. These include the Chinese, Koreans and Japanese. The Chinese excel at having a lot of people and bicycles. It's a fact that the whole nation was founded in order to investigate human bicycling patterns. The Japanese are a wonderful people who were relatively normal until they were nuked in WWII, and have since gone insane, creating things like vending machines that sell used panties and producing anime. However, they also make a lot of cool things like tiny cell phones, so we're cool with them.

India is also down there, and they have changed the perception of their nation from one that only creates cab drivers and convenience store owners to one that employs low-level IT workers whose name is "Frank" or "John" and secretly seethes in anger when some dumbass from Alabama calls in complaining how their multi-dish satellite TV system isn't working.

IV. South America - Where danger and fruity drinks collide.

South America consists of a number of nations who are entirely made up of steamy jungle and guerillas. In the last presidential election in Brazil, 73% of the voters were anti-government rebels who were dedicated to the downfall of the office of president. South America was once inhabited by interesting empires who didn't have guns or disease resistance, and so now they're all a bunch of Spanish and Portuguese speaking peoples. Nonetheless, a booming plastic surgery business has risen in these countries; fully 30% of the people in these nations are made of artificial products. Unsurprisingly, the pornography industry has also boomed in these nations: I know that when I get some random porn now, half the time they're shouting latin-flavored obscenities.

Like the entire world outside of America, soccer is a popular sport. Most youths are forced into compulsory military service at 16. At 17, they are forced into a soccer league. This makes the people of these countries deadly with both guns and screams of "GOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLL!"

V. Australia - Laid back, easy going people: They must be up to something

Americans like Australia: perhaps it's respect for people who also descended from British prisoners, or perhaps it's because we rarely are reminded of their existence except during a Crocodile Dundee movie marathon. This is because Australians have more important things to do than cause a problem: drinking and laying in the sun, for example. If movies are to believed, Australians are constantly battling armored vehicles in a desert wasteland, so they have enough problems without starting any themselves.

VI. Africa - Now 11% HorribleDisease free

Africa's history has been a series of ups and downs. It started off well enough with humans originating there, but since then it's had a bad streak, punctuated with some success. Carthage and Egypt, for example, were fantastic empires and Egypt even had the slogan "If our slaves don't create a monument to your greatness in thirty years or less, it's free (and they'll be killed)". The colonial period, in particular, was not a great one for Africans, since they either were enslaved or conquered for the most part. On the other hand...um, actually there wasn't any. It sucked.

Things have gotten marginally better lately: The end of the second world war gave everyone their independence and Apartheid ended only 200 years too late, so that eventually worked itself out. Africa also gets lots of aid money- the sad truth is that they spend it all on booze and zebras. Those guys can't get enough zebras, as evidenced by every nature film in which some poor zebra is hunted down. Poor zebra.

VII. North America - The Shining City on the Hill- oh wait, no, it's a Wal-mart.

North America is made of three separate countries: Mexico, Canada and the USA, plus a bunch of smaller ones, so really quite a few more than three. And then there's the Caribbean countries. But let's focus on the big three, since they control the most land and have the highest taco-to-person ratio (Thanks for that, Mexico!). The history of these lands is long and storied; unfortunately, the people who made that history were summarily destroyed and scattered. For all intents and purposes, these countries have been around for around 200 years.

The United States is currently a superpower, which means that each citizen can yell "Zablam!" and instantly change into a crime-fighting hero. This fact is hidden from the rest of the world, who believes us to simply be a nation of mild-mannered newspaper reporters. In the US, it's illegal to not have a structure placed every 10 feet, which explains the success of Ambercrombie and Fitch clothing stores. The psychological makeup of the US is that of the paranoid schitzophrenic: for some reason they believe that they must be the best at everything, even if we haven't tried it yet. Americans are constantly worried what others think of them, and yet do whatever they want anyways. It's a time-honored tradition that has worked well so far.

Canada is the least populated land in the world: there are 17 kilometers between each person, even those in the same household. Canadians are so shocked when they accidentally bump into another Canadian that the only result is a one-on-one hockey match to the death. In order for a Canadian to get to a grocery store, he or she must have two of three of a canoe, car or unicycle. Canada also hates America, and is currently trying to focus this anger into a weapon powerful enough to slightly penetrate Americans' egocentrism: They are doomed to failure.

Mexico is an outlaw land where banditos ride horses with bandoliers streaming behind them, shooting wildly into the air. Their main export is food and Mexicans. For a short time in the early 1990s, there was fear that Mexico would be unable to provide enough cheap labor to fuel the world's needs: fortunately, the crisis was averted and every hotel had a crack cleaning staff on hand for whatever problems arose. Also, there are 31 Mexican states, which is less than America's 50: no Americans are aware of the fact that Mexico has states, or even a government, really.

VIII. Conclusion

Continents are a valid way to lump together entire races of people who don't necessarily have anything in common. It's also a great way to cop out on a test: For example, if they asked where Marco Polo was from, you might be able to get away with "Europe" as an answer. For the rest of us who aren't in school, knowing continents is good in that it lets us know what region is in unrest. Considering these continents span thousands of miles, it narrows things down to half the planet or less.

Stay tuned for the second part of my world guide, in which I critique countries whose ways are different from my own.