Jesus Is My Homeboy

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning 2 of 3: 2011

2012-01-17T23:34:00.001Z

Part Two of the Trilogy...

6. House
We moved in 2011. It was stressful and wonderful in equal measure (but probably more wonderful). Our house is now our home and I'm so grateful for all the help we had. Especially from Them and Them. I can't imagine going back to a one-bedroom flat.

We've hardly needed/ wanted to do anything to the place and we're discovering all the wonderful maintenance issues that go with house ownership - but more than that - our house is becoming a home because we welcomed so many people into it.

I think that's been one of the coolest things: having the room to take care of people, creating a space for people to come together and enjoy themselves. We know it's entirely because of how we are together that people like being here - in our space.

7. Writing (and Reading)

The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book (Calvin and Hobbes Series)

Through 2011 I found my voice. This is no mean feat for someone who writes. One of my colleagues has referred to me as a writer too! Another one of Her friends (the wildly impressive and creative Sloppy Dog) thinks I write very well.

2011 also saw me publish my first guest blog post - all about my Urban Krav Maga experiences. You can see it here. I'm quite proud of it, as someone I know has now attended a few classes and says that his experience matched what I described in my guest blog post which is very gratifying for me! This of course means you should click the link and then come to a class...just to see how my writing stacks up!

All this feeds into the ongoing idea in the back of my head for a book. In fact, I've talked about writing a book since I was about 19. I've had many different ideas for structure, thoughts for topics and musings for what should and shouldn't be in it.

But - I've finally settled on the short-story as my chosen format. It'll be a series of them. Connected and yet not. I've shared the first two with various people in my life and had some very good feedback. Apparently the short story is difficult form to get into but writing a blog lends itself very well to the short story style.

The discipline of a diarised monthly blogpost is great - it forces my creativity. It's kinda crazy to think that I now have two years worth of Daily Insights on my blog! Writing keeps me going, keeps me reflective and ultimately keeps me sane.

8. On Being Goan
There's actually enough on this one for a standalone blogpost; or a book; or perhaps a PhD into Weird-Mixed-Up-People-Originating-From-Western-India-and-Migrating-Across-The-Planet. I intended to write a post all about the 2011 Global Goans Convention - but I never did.

2011 actually saw me bring into the open some of my ongoing issues about my culture and identity (or cultural identity...or identified culture). One of my biggest frustrations with my community is that everyone finds it difficult to speak the truth. It's as if there's some congenital disease amongst the Goan Disapora* that prevents people from actually being open, honest and above all *real* about their experiences. Instead of continually moaning about it, I organised an event called 'Filling In The Cracks' the purpose of which to was to celebrate Goan culture - but with a twist. I had three different generations of Goan share their experience of what their cultural community means to them. This meant three very different perspectives about the same thing.

Tasting Goa in London

I organised it in a restaurant that sells Goan food (the Palms of Goa) and there were about forty people. I called it Filling In The Cracks because too often my experience of growing up has never been shared. The Goan experience often 'falls through the cracks' in multi-cultural London. London is an amazing city - a true melting-pot of influences around the world. Each community has managed to establish its own distinct cultural identity. People have heard of and experienced Jewish, Irish, Sikh, Gujarati, and Italian communities - and there are many more examples in London. However, mention Goan and people either don't know or the word evokes images of holidays, hotels and hedonism - which is kind of annoying.

Equally, Goans themselves are so backward and insular they're too busy focusing on either themselves or their past to actually understand what's happening *now*. I've blogged about all this before in a previous post here. Reading that post again, I can see the energy that went into that frustration and anger finally found positive expression in 2011** - in fact that's what happened through organising 'Filling In The Cracks' - some space opened up. Hearing three generations of Goan openly and honestly sharing their experience: the growing up; the changing country; the cold; the uncertainty of being Indian and yet not; the problems of where one identifies oneself; the lack of community. For the first time in my life, I was amongst a group of Goans who were being honest about the issues that from our past we're dealing with, and the issues that face us as a 'hidden minority'.

A special point was that there were movers-and-shakers within the Goan community who came along. They sat. They listened. And they were inwardly shocked. Here I was articulating what they found so difficult (I was a kind of compere to the event).

What made it extra *extra* special (and particularly moving) was They came - and They loved it. I even got an email praising me for putting it together! All I can say is - They did a good job with me and Her.

I'm proud of this contribution I made to my community. From there it was obvious for me to attend the Goan Convention - which I actually found enjoyable and frustrating in equal measure. I met some great people (including Jason K. Fernandes - who was as offensive, cheeky and polemic as me!) What was most refreshing was that a group of Goans were collected together to actually Discuss Interesting Topics instead of getting drunk, dancing and arguing. It was revelatory - the thought that a Goan Intelligentsia existed across the diaspora (there's that word again!)

The future of my contribution is getting clearer. I'm going to participate in an oral histories project during 2012 - so I'll be discovering, opening up and letting go of even more this year.

9. School: Colleagues and Pupils
2011 saw me work with some great colleagues and some not so great colleagues. That's natural and part of every workplace across the planet. I've also had great pupils and not so great pupils. That's natural as a teacher.

I suppose what's also natural as a teacher is to stumble across times of reflection. We're taught to be 'reflective practioners'. What this means in practice (for me anyway) is to go through periods of complete (but not quite debilitating) doubt in my ability as a teacher and frequent bouts of frustration with not being able to put things across effectively - despite turning myself inside out to create interesting lessons.

Such is the 'Year 11 Effect'.

I learned from it.

2011 did actually see me go back to the drawing board. I stumbled across a brilliantly irreverent but profound book about teaching (simply called How to teach). Completely not aimed at someone as (supposedly) experienced as me. It was written in such a brilliant and hilarious way I could not but helped be taken in by it. I mentioned my experiences with it in October and November. It was so excellent I keep talking about it because from that I've added in liberal doses of creativity and taken out the Sound Of My Own Voice.

It's also rekindled The Fear that every trainee and new teacher experiences when they embark on this wonderful career. The tense pre-lesson feeling; the rising sense of panic as certain pupils enter the room; managing to stifle your own fight-or-flight response as the first (of several) paper aeroplanes flies across the room; the burning sensation on the back of one's neck and ears as the class refuses to get quiet...etc.

It does beg the question why I'd do this - but really - it comes back to the fact that I love people and want to contribute to the planet.

I've gone back to the drawing board with a wonderful sense of excitement and fear. I'm sure I read somewhere that they're actually the same...

Aside from my own practice, I moved rooms in 2011 - twice. I now share an office (yay) which means I have all my stuff in one place...although I am nomadic...and teach in eleven different rooms scattered across the school (no - there is no designated area for Business Studies, Psychology, Economics or PSHE).

Rooms are a very precious thing for teachers. If we have our own room it becomes part of us. It's our identity and our special little area. A bit like a dog with his territory we must mark it. In our own special way.

Of course I've marked lots of areas across the school...

I *do* feel like I've gone up in the world.

10. Community
2011 saw me complete my civic duty. In the summer I completed jury service. What a fascinating thing to be part of! I was pleasantly surprised by the other jurors. They reflected the diversity of background, culture, class, opinion and gender that I love about London and its suburbs. Admittedly, there were three secondary school teachers (including myself) and one primary school teacher...but it was great being with them.

I also learned how important it really is for the functioning of society.

Apart from this community service, I took part in something else that started and gradually stopped. It was one (of two) of those things where 'good intentions' were driving me - but saw little return - and that's the local Neighbourhood Watch.

When we moved in, I went to a local community meeting with the main police representatives for the ward. I got to see some of the local faces (and they got to see me). Another neighbour was there who volunteered to be the representative for our road.

I said I'd give her a hand. We spent one morning going round and meeting all the people on our road (a cul-de-sac). I did get to chat with a lot of the neighbours and I've established some kind of relationship with them...

...but done nothing with it since...

Perhaps that's all I need to do. If there's an emergency I know I could speak with someone.

But part of me feels like there's more I could bring...I'm just not quite sure what yet...

Since then - two more families have moved in on the road. Both really nice groups of people. They've established themselves on our road.

We all know each other...and yet we don't. We're all in close proximity to each other...and yet we're not. It's the paradox of the city suburb. It's made me think a lot about our isolation from the people around us and how it contributes to a lot of the problems we experience every day. But this is the topic for another post. Suffice to say 2011 made me think a lot about it...but do little.

11. Creating and Earning
Starting at the end of 2010 actually and through 2011 I began to explore the idea of creating more money. Specifically, looking at ways I could earn more. What's driving this, is the Very Male Thing to take care of one's family. I'm not one for massively getting into one's gender role but in discussions with Her, I can see that would like to be the Provider as she starts to evolve into the role of Carer.

But - 2011 saw me come up against my limiting beliefs about money. Thoughts like "the only way you can make money is with a job" or "it's not possible to make a living doing something you enjoy" and even "I could never run my own business" (oh the irony!)

Deeper than these - the truth is - I sometimes feel I don't deserve an abundance of money. Like it's bad for me to have lots of it, to earn lots of it and to enjoy having lots of it.

Too challenging to read?

Over the years, I've dealt with so many of my own opinions and truths about so many aspects of my life. Even with money, my world has shifted hugely. It's mainly due to discovering a hugely interesting and challenging blog ostensibly about money but *really* about psychology. I've implemented some of the stuff and moved forward - but then get stopped. I'm delving into but haven't resolved my blind spots...yet.

What I'm discovering is that as well as putting myself under pressure - it's *really* about creativity, having a systematic approach and understanding how irrational I can be - and anticipating it.

The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning 1 of 3: 2011

2012-01-12T22:34:00.002Z

Another Year Ends

Reality becomes a reflection of reality becoming real...or some such stuff.

This time of year enables me to look back and forward at the same time. Last month was particularly reflective for me anyway but the purpose of writing this is to shed the skin of 2011.

I've also been doing this for quite a few years now:

Sign "☮" the Times: 2007/ 08 - Thoughts from 2008

Flash-Back, Flash-Forward: 2009 - Reflections. 2009

From the Shinings of My Reflections: 2010

Out Through The In Door: 2010/ 2011

So my blog's functioning as even more of an interesting record of the progress I'm making.

This post describes my Eleven from Eleven whilst rounding off the areas I chose as themes for the year. It's also about 'Highlights and Lowlights' - a phrase I've nicked from my friend Adam Cohen the Circus Boy.

For 2011 I picked three areas. Creativity, Contribution and Mastery. They showed up in varying degrees in my Eleven for Eleven; I'm not going to make it explicit but it's clear for me how they showed up. They're written in the order they came to me. Enjoy.

And yeah, this is a long post...for a lot happened...so much so I've split it into a trilogy...this is Part One!

Little Miss Sunshine [DVD] [2006]

1. Family and Friends

Looking back over the year, it's felt as if December 2011 was not only the end of they year, but also the apex to which everything had been building. Steve Jobs talked about 'joining the dots forwards' - meaning that you can never know the purpose of something until after the fact and that trusting that the things you do now will benefit you later - is how to make the most of the opportunities life presents.

One: Establishing Her Self

I had a part in supporting an important someone in getting started in their dream career. My support was unconditional, challenging for me to be there but ultimately vindicating of my stand for this person. Her life has moved on incredibly and I'm so proud of Her: the graduating, the moving, the driving, the starting in a job, the establishing Herself (and Her Self).

Her life has changed so much in 2011. She's stepped up and handled everything that's been thrown at her. We'll all be right by her side in 2012.

Two: Family Communication

I've spent more time actually communicating with members of my family. Early on in the year, I started simply picking up the phone and talking to the members of my immediate family. It made a big difference to my experience of them, when I saw them again and all that.

My parents *are* cool. (And they do value me being around).

One of the difficult areas for me and our family has been supporting a particular family member as their life moves on to another stage. Being in communication has made a big difference to my experience of helping out - I'm available to my parents more so than previously - but I'm not doing any less in my own life.

It also made it so much easier to contribute to them - that's all I really want to do - contribute to the people I love the most.

But it also made me realise that there's much more than just my tiny little life - they've got stuff they're doing and dealing with.

Three: Resolution.

The difficult relationship between two very important people in my life got resolved. Not because of any one thing I did in particular (although it has been something I've stood for having in my life for a long time). It was more as if I got out of the way. I stopped trying to force and fix the issue.

But I honoured my truth.

It was really tough for me because I want to be the one that solves everyone's problems and helps out - it's a way of making myself feel valuable and validating my existence.

This time I stood back and let things take their course. I trusted the people to get on with it, handle it honestly. I provided support when asked and told them both how much I loved them, but that was pretty much it.

There were some fireworks and brutal honesty. But it moved forward.

Authors and others have called this surrendering to life. I've heard it expressed as 'being with' and 'being present'.

Four: Our house remains empty.

And that's OK - for now! In perhaps a similar theme, trusting that it will happen is the toughest part. There have been contrasts: our partnership is stronger but we are concerned about getting older; we enjoy being together but we want to create something together; we have particular skills in our jobs but we've not both had stability; we sometimes get frustrated when we think things don't go our way but we always handle it.

Leaving all that aside - this is the year!

Five: We love our friends loads...

...and our house is a place of warm welcomes. Through 2011 we had people over; we entertained and we took care of people. My family, Her family, individual friends, small gatherings and big parties. I enjoyed doing it and so did She. One of the early dreams/ goals we created together was bringing people together in our space - and we've done that.

I'm so grateful for everyone that's been over. I've loved it.

Six: December

Looking back, it's felt as if the events of December have been the apex of the year. Looking back it's almost as if everything until that point had been preparation. The resolution, the communication, the friends...in hindsight that was all very effective laying of foundations.

It meant that we were able to step up and deal with challenging circumstances in a way that I'm proud of.

2. GTD

Clarity

I wrote about this in the May insights. GTD = Getting Things Done. Implementing it fully has been revelatory. I really hummed and hawed about putting myself into it - but once I did, I haven't regretted it. It took a while to establish and get it up and running but haven't ever experienced such clear-headedness on a consistent basis.

To get my hands on clear strategies to be able to generate it consistently is amazing.

Being able to find stuff; being able to know that stuff will get done; not having to try and remember things has (paradoxically) meant I remember more. I also have fewer arguments on a day-to-day level with Her and Her and Them.*

Fundamentally, it's freed me up to help others.

3. Android

It wouldn't be right and proper if there wasn't some gadget love in this end-of-year post. Most people who know me are aware that I don't favour the iPhone (despite being a Macbook user). Nope - I'm much more of a fan of the open-source world of Android.

I wrote about Android at the end of 2009 in my 'Reflections' post. It's a love affair that promises to be eternal. The endless customisation, tweaking and permutations (yet relative ease of use) appeals to my inner (and outer) geek.

Geek Love

That and its brilliant integration with Google's services (yes I am a google-o-phile).

Through 2010 and part of 2011 I was using my trusty HTC Desire. I loved it...but it began to overheat and run out of memory...I needed more! So in July I jumped from HTC to a Samsung Galaxy S2. And I'm pretty much in Smartphone Heaven.

Whilst the phone is great - it's the OS that makes it. There are particular apps that have helped with 2. above - in particular Springpad.

But me being me, I have almost 90 different apps (mostly free or something like 10p) that I've used to enhance my experience.

Forget implanting a chip into me - I've got my smartphone.

4. Injury and Exercise

2011 saw something happen to me that I *never* thought would ever happen to me.

I sustained a sports injury.

Hard men

OK the sport was the martial art Urban Krav Maga but it was still a SPORT-RELATED injury.

The knock-on effect (as I mentioned in August's posts) was that I experienced what it was to MISS EXERCISING!

Now this is beyond normal for me. It's unprecedented.

This meant I had a limp through August and was healing through September. I didn't in fact feel brave enough to go back to an Urban Krav class until the end of October/ early November...

The lack of exercise also meant that I put on weight. An inevitability I suppose. When I returned from my holiday, I was almost 11 pounds heavier...

...but it wasn't a total lack of exercise. As I mentioned in the November post, I started doing Body Weight exercises. Working my way methodically through the book (I'd actually started in July), I was more able to start stuff from this book that jumping (literally) back into Urban Krav or Shaolin. I can't completely tell, but I'm pretty sure it's made me stronger. At least once She has mentioned my arms looking bigger - but She is biased.

I received two boxes...

The result of putting on weight was drastic action - in the form of a game - related to chocolate. I just decided to myself to see how long I could go without eating chocolate. After one day it really did become easier. After one-week even easier.

I made it to SIX WEEKS WITHOUT CHOCOLATE!

That's another unprecedented feat given my previous relationship to the stuff. I even (half-jokingly) made reference to it in my post about 2009! (And then Christmas happened - but that's another story).

During that time I lost something like seven/ eight pounds in weight. I was really buoyed up by this and inspired. And then I realised that all that had happened was that I'd been exercising regularly again and I was back down to the weight I was before I got injured.

Nice.

5. Guitar

2011 saw me hit the magic 200. And all because I spent a bit of money on myself.

Playing guitar has become something I do to relax my mind. It's always really helped me but it's now moved out of the realms of obsession into the world of hobbyist and creativity. I spent a lot of money on guitar-related stuff acquiring a Line 6 JM4 Looper and new Takamine Acoustic Electric guitar.

Joy!

Classic

These have opened up a world of experimentation that I hadn't explored. Playing a musical instrument is a different kind of creativity to writing. It's more physical and perhaps more outwardly expressive. That's not to say I've not experienced more introspective moments playing guitar - it's more about the performance as well as the creation of the music.

The investments also meant that I topped 200bpm on Master of Puppets using downstrokes only. This is something I've been working towards for years and it's quite satisfying given I first mentioned it in 2009. Perhaps it'll be a bit like what happened after Roger Bannister ran the first 4-minute mile...

End of Part One!

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*You'll have to guess who they all are. I'm quite enjoying being obscure about those people!

JDS Insights: December 2011

2012-01-02T12:39:00.000Z

My December threw up a lot.*

I hope you get something from reading this (rather long) post.

-----

December 3rd, very early in the morning, my Father-in-law passed away.

I was there.

It was something that was quick and slow at the same time. He'd been pretty ill for a number of years, including being in and out of hospital. It almost felt like another 'routine' visit to hospital on the Friday night when I got the call from Her.

When She texted again though, the content was far more serious. Until that night, I'd only every come across the words 'heart' and 're-started' in the same sentence when they were uttered by some random actor on tv.

When we arrived at the hospital** the seriousness of the situation was highlighted by the look on the faces of the two people already there and the fact that they had been advised to contact family. When the doctor from A&E came in and spoke to us, the straightforward question was asked: "Could he die?" The candid answer was a 'Yes' followed with a point that people do recover from the position he was in and go on to lead a normal life. This was further qualified with the fact that he was very ill.

The evening was turning into a series of slow-motion moments. There was nothing for me to do apart from deal with whatever was happening in front of me: no past, no future just the present.

The other immediate family member arrived and we lapsed into discussion and speculation - which isn't always helpful - but can be more comforting than the deadening silence of our own thoughts. There were goings-in and goings-out for cigarettes and phone calls but waiting can be utterly mind-numbing.

A&E were attempting to stabilise his condition. Absorbing earlier recounting of the day: from coughing fits to doctor's visits; from ambulance rides to hospital beds, I listened to a key moment being described. He was in A&E when one of the hospital machines started to make a bleeping sound; at which point about six people seemingly materialised from thin air and began to do the things you see in television dramas.

As my brother-in-law explained this, it became clear that this was the point he probably suffered a heart-attack and his heart was re-started. The doctor had told us he was staying in A&E until he was stable enough and a free bed was available in the 'ICU'.

Time passed and we went upstairs to the ICU. As we came out of the lift and were buzzed in by some hospital staff we were shown into a room called the 'Relatives Room'. It was quite a small rectangular room with seating around the edge of most of it. There was a water cooler in one corner and an over-flowing bin as you entered next to the door. It was decorated in the dull nondescript shades of hospital blue and grey.

Apart from these pointless details my brain took in, the room was filled with the members of a large family. So much so there were only just enough seats for the five of us to sit down. We sat together and continued our speculation and discussion, peppered with visits to a snack machine and gently winding each other up whilst avoiding the big elephant in the room. I could feel the tension mixed with tiredness in the air around us.

I can't really tell how long we were in there but like I said, the night was turning into a series of discrete, punctuated moments rather than a long event. We were getting a little more riled as time passed - purely because we couldn't go and see him and we didn't know what was happening.

At some point, a doctor appeared and herded the members of the other family into another room next door. I didn't think much of it until the silence swallowed us. We were suddenly aware of how loud our voices were.

After a few minutes, the members of the other family emerged: quite a few in tears. As they all came back into the Relatives Room the possibility of what was going on began to roll over us like fog. It was a sobering moment.

Eventually it was our turn. The doctor took us next door into a small room with a few chairs in. What stood out was the table with boxes of tissues on it. The doctor locked the door, asked us to sit down and started talking to us.

He explained how ill my Father-in-law was: how his blood acid was high because his kidneys had stopped working and he was on drugs for this; how he was on a the highest level of adrenaline for his heart; how his heart stopped and blood flow stopped to the brain; how if he did recover there was a significant chance of brain damage; how he was breathing with a machine; how he was sedated and how he was being monitored for a response to the treatment but that it was unlikely that he would survive.

As he spoke those words, time slowed down. I was struck by how much space there was in the conversation; how clear he had been and the high level of respect and awareness he brought to the situation and to us. This was not unique. The doctor in A&E had shown a similar level of calmness and clarity. I thought all the staff were amazing.

He knew how much it was for us to take in with such a short space of time and he let my mother-in-law say everything she wanted to say: no interruptions, no misdirections, no distractions and no looking away. Truly brilliant. He let us ask questions and then left us to do whatever we needed to do.

They would only allow two people at a time to see him. I waited in the Relatives Room. I saw one brother-in-law come in, face white, sit down and put my fedora hat on top of his head covering his face. I happened to have with me an unopened packet of tissues and gave him one. The second brother-in-law came in and again I gave him some tissues.

When She came back, she was upset too, obviously.

When I saw him on the bed, machine breathing for him, eyes closed, all the nonsense and pettiness of my own thoughts fell away.

We sat in the Relatives Room for a while longer before we were called again into the small room next door. I made sure the tissues were accessible for everyone. This time the doctor spoke some more but used the words 'prolonging his death'. Now there was open crying and visible upset. Raw humanity.

A priest was contacted for last rites. Rosaries appeared.

She went for a cigarette with her brothers...which explains the gravity of the situation because She doesn't smoke. I was in this small room with my mother-in-law in pieces at the situation we were confronting. I offered what support I could as a son-in-law.

As the wider family had started to arrive, things began to become more ordered. We had another discussion about organ donation - and again the hospital staff were unbelievably amazing. We then said the rosary in the room with him. Religion gave some structure, sense of identity and means of understanding the incomprehensible and articulating the amorphous.

Then a nurse came in and turned off the machine. We were all silent. For the next few minutes I watched the machines and everyone in the room as his breathing slowed and his heart stopped. One of the aunties began to sing a favourite hymn of his. She was barely into the third line when the nurse came in again - which took us all by surprise.

It turned out that he passed away as the hymn started. It also turned out that he passed away on the anniversary weekend of his Father's death. No doubt he would have been aware of this.

Being in the room as someone dies is one of the most humbling experiences I've had.

After he had gone, his body was there but I felt it was obvious that his presence wasn't. He had left. Yet She kept saying that it looked as if he was asleep and that if She called his name - he would just wake up. The struggle to comprehend what had just happened was palpable.

If ever I felt the obviousness of the separation between soul, mind and body it was in that hospital room. Even then, when I saw him earlier with the machine helping him, there was very little of the Father-in-Law I knew in the room.

The funeral of course had an air of finality yet inevitability. He definitely had a great send-off though. The weather summed up the day: cold, windy but bright sun. A member of the family had died but he would be remembered with brightness. At the service, the priest told a story about him that had people laughing: this is how he would want to be remembered.

Seeing my brother-in-laws be part of the group that lowered the coffin into the ground was real closure. My thoughts were with them, my mother-in-law and my wife. Any distance that existed between myself and my mother-in-law and brother-in-laws had evaporated.

This has also opened the door to conversations with my own parents about death, dying, grief and wills: something we'll all face.

Now as a final point, I'm not being flippant here, but at some point during this process, I was put in the mind of a Star Wars quotation from Yoda. In The Empire Strikes Back, whilst training Luke Yoda says: "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter".

Writing this post has had me revisit everything this month. Looking back, apart from the obvious, I'm not entirely sure what order all of this happened - perhaps time stops being as linear as we think when stuff like this occurs.

Since then, events in December really have been a blur. I have taught some more, played in two school concerts, sung in a carol service, done some Krav, driven around family lots, participated on a GTD webinar, supported my sister, bought, wrapped and received some presents and said more rosaries in a week than I have in my whole life.

I've been moved and emboldened by this whole experience. My relationship to Death has deepened.

I'm almost looking forward to January.

-----

In other news: I started eating chocolate again towards the end of the month.

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Dec 01: Words cannot express the infinite.

Dec 02: Words necessarily place borders and limits on our experience. But they also articulate and create.

Dec 03: Some experiences cannot be communicated with words.

Dec 04: There is always depth behind the words. But it requires deep listening.

Dec 05: I don't just listen with my ears but with my whole experience and being.

Dec 06: Listening is not a passive phenomenon.

Dec 07: Listening can be conscious or unconscious. It's interesting to note where I spend most of my time.

Dec 06: When we speak of someone they are present in the room.

Dec 07: My judgements are my judgements. They're not right or wrong.

Dec 08: Everything you say has an effect on people whether you (or they) realise it or not.

Dec 09: Death and life intertwine.

Dec 10: My body is a vehicle.

Dec 11: What happens to my body is only a part of what life has to offer.

Dec 12: There is so much more to the experience of being human than we realise.

Dec 13: Context creates pejorative terms not the words themselves.

Dec 14: Words are context and content at the same time.

Dec 15: Being asleep and being awake can sometimes blur but it's all life.

Dec 16: Colleagues are not always friends but they are not always enemies.

Dec 17: Some people reveal more with what they don't say.

Dec 18: What I don't say is a communication to the self-aware.

Dec 19: Truth communicates no matter what.

Dec 20: Adults run away from their truth more than children.

Dec 21: Families are not always the best people to turn to for support.

Dec 22: Support comes from anyone at any time. Are you listening?

Dec 23: God communicates through everyone we meet. Are you listening?

Dec 24: Time reflecting is time well spent.

Dec 25: Too much reflection becomes navel-gazing and pointless.

Dec 26: What you believe is not necessarily a truth worth imposing on another.

Dec 27: Standing for something you believe is an act of self-definition.

Dec 28: The World is neither bad nor good. It just keeps on Living.

Dec 29: The world does not revolve around me. Yet I can make a difference to the world.

Dec 30: Own all of it and I can change some of it.

Dec 31: Look back and learn. Look forward and create.
----------
*All my shizzle. Most of these (from the 8th onwards) were written last night. Such has been the nature of this month.

**St. George's, Tooting. The hospital staff were fucking amazing.

JDS Insights: November 2011

2011-12-30T18:04:00.000Z

Catching up slowly but surely!

November had a four memorable areas: 1) school, 2) chocolate and exercise, 3) closure and clarity and 4) alcohol.*

-----
1) School
Building on the book I read in October:

I had some interesting feedback in November. My Sixth Form Pupils said comments like:
"The lessons are much better because we actually do something."
"I remember more."
"We haven't had a normal lesson for ages."

My Year Tens were saying:
"The lessons are a lot more fun."
"I feel like we always learn something."

However my Year Elevens were saying:
"I don't learn anything like this. I learn more when I copy off the board."
"Oh no not group work - I don't learn anything like this."

There are a few more nuts to crack. But because of this book, I'm taking more risks, I feel more enlivened (even when my Year Eleven get to me) and I'm remembering why I became a teacher.

2) Chocolate and Exercise
Through the month of November, not one piece of chocolate passed my lips.

No joke.

This is a significant achievement given my history with the stuff. (It gets mentioned in my blogpost 'Reflections' from Jan 2010). It's true that a have a sweet tooth and I really enjoy chocolate (particular favourites being Lindor and Reese's Cups).

The ostensible reason for stopping eating chocolate was because one of my work colleagues called me fat (and so did one of the pupils at school). They may have worded it slightly differently, but what I chose to hear in my head was that. So I started refusing chocolate.

As well as that, since August's Ankle Incident, I hadn't been exercising regularly and I'd piled on the pounds - shown when I weighed myself on returning from holiday.

So, during November I returned to Urban Krav Maga on a Wednesday night (or 'keep fit' as my mum calls it - because she can never remember what it's called). I was very nervous about starting again as I'd hurt myself. Through November though, I regained my confidence and enthusiasm.

My wife and brother-in-law also started coming along too - and enjoyed it - which validated my experience.

Apart from this, I'd also read this book (recommended by someone at Urban Krav)

I actually read this in the summer but completed the Basic level workout by the beginning of November - and actually enjoyed it because it was all based in the house! I don't like the gym because I find it intimidating and it reminds and highlights my own inadequacy. This book is written by someone who used to train US Special Operations personnel - the hardcore nutters - and the workouts are all based around using your own bodyweight.

He covers the basics of nutrition - it's all pretty sound - but nothing that's not been mentioned in other places (which perhaps says a lot about what various experts says). He does make the useful (and important) point that exercise accounts for about 1/3 of your body shape - the 2/3 is0 nutrition (something I keep re-discovering and re-reading over the years).

The real value of this book though is the index of bodyweight exercises and the workouts he's created. Pictures are included - mainly of him - doing the exercises but they can be customised and you can create your own because he explains the thought behind the workouts.

Me being the particular kind of weirdo that reads books - and then acts on what the book says - started doing the workouts. I found the Basic Level a challenge and it was cool getting to use all the stuff around the house: doors, surfaces, chairs, tables etc. Level One is even tougher...onwards and upwards...

3) Closure and Clarity
There are people in my life where I've not said anything and let stuff lie and then it becomes a maggot that eats away at my brain. I've done enough stuff and read enough material over the years to know that sorting out things like this can positively impact the quality of one's life dramatically.

Knowing it doesn't always mean I'll act on it though.

And I've only given up when I stop taking action - any moment I can re-start the action - so any moment becomes a chance to pick myself up and carry on.

There were two different people I managed to clear the space with. The impact of one was felt significantly in December. The other brought a smile to my face and made me feel warm inside - and less like a total nutjob.

I think that's why I wrote a lot about having a clear head in November.

4) Alcohol
Now I've never said I'm a non-drinker. I call myself someone who drinks alcohol very rarely. Until 19th November 2011, I hadn't had any alcohol since Boxing Day 2009. But on the 19th, we had a Birthday Party - at our house - which meant I wasn't driving and didn't need to be sober. My wife and sister were particularly vocal in their encouragement of me to partake in sampling some of the alcoholic beverages on offer. Of course when drinking games were played, it became obvious that I was being 'stitched-up'.

The cocktails tasted great and included: Pina Coladas, Caribbean Breezes and Strawberry Daquiris - and I have to say that Jaeger Bombs taste very nice - my sweet-tooth means they go down very nicely.

And yes, I was most definitely drunk - but not any wilder than usual...just more brazen and blunt.
-----

So this month's insights are a reflection of this mish-mash of incidents. Make of them what you will.**

---------------
Nov 01: There's a balance to be struck between effort and flow.

Nov 02: There's a time for keeping going no matter what, and a time for going with the flow.

Nov 03: Surrendering to the flow of life and fighting to go in a particular direction are the same except for my perspective.

Nov 04: Life always takes me where I want to go. Knowing where I want to end up is the trick.

Nov 05: Masters continually reinvent themselves.

Nov 06: You're not the same person you were five years ago.

Nov 07: There are always enough hours in the day.

Nov 08: Thinking takes energy - even about the smallest things.

Nov 09: Save energy by finishing the thinking about stuff.

Nov 10: Any big accomplishment can be achieved with lots and lots of small, simple steps.

Nov 11: Just because there is no instant response doesn't mean someone isn't thinking.

Nov 12: We have the gift (or curse) of being able to think about what we're thinking about. Use it wisely.

Nov 13: Willingness opens. Listening guides. Understanding creates.

Nov 14: Take the easy way and achieve little.

Nov 15: Take the hard way and be a martyr.

Nov 16: Truth lives in the space between (the easy way and the hard way).

Nov 17: I have my strategies for getting what I want: drama queen, control freak and angry boy. Not always effective.

Nov 18: My struggle is not your struggle. Stop trying to make it so.

Nov 19: Unsolicited help is just patronising.

Nov 20: Imposing my help on someone else's issues causes upset.

Nov 21: We have all the answers we need.

Nov 22: An empty head allows for things to be remembered.

Nov 23: Create loads of ideas. Lots will be bad. One or two will be gems.

Nov 24: One thing happening can change everything.

Nov 25: Sometimes it takes big things to realise humility.

Nov 26: I can choose whether I hold on to something or not.

Nov 27: I can let go, or hold on, at any point.

Nov 28: Individuals make up institutions. One person can affect the whole.

Nov 29: Working together multiplies individual effort.

Nov 30: We are all part of something much larger than we can articulate.

---------------
*No this is not a typo
**All mine

JDS Insights: October 2011

2011-12-24T12:15:00.001Z

I'm aware that it's Christmas Eve...and I'm posting about stuff that happened months ago.

But a lot has happened in those months.

Re-reading the insights for October and I'm instantly transported to my state of mind back then.

The big thing was my birthday. This year on October 3rd I turned 35 years old.

At this age I have become more contemplative about the future; I'm more aware of how *old* I am and I suppose my own mortality. But I don't *feel* 35 - I'm not sure how 35 is supposed to feel (that shows how reliable feelings are for understanding reality).

We also had a nice holiday in October which included more opportunities to feel self-conscious about my body on a beach but really consisted of doing very little - a brilliant chance to switch off.

I also read some.

The main book for this month was something that's helped my teaching.

As teachers we're meant to be 'reflective practitioners'. That means we're constantly evaluating and reviewing our lessons and teaching practices so we can improve. More so than most jobs, I think it's essential to maintaining sanity in a world of constantly changing goal-posts but also getting a handle on the actual process of teaching.

So I read this book:

And then I laughed a lot, thought a lot and resolved to do some of the stuff suggested in the book in my classes. The full title of the book is actually 'How to Teach: The ultimate (and ultimately irreverent) look at what you should be doing in your classroom if you want to be the best teacher you can possibly be'. It really is ultimately irreverent and that's what makes it such a great read. It manages to balance profound truth with hilarity. This can only be found in classrooms across the country as teachers pull their hair out every day.

Now, a lot (actually, pretty much all) of the time, teachers adhere strongly to the old phrase 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it'. Me being the particular kind of weirdo that reads books and does what the books say took a baby and some bath water and well...

Apart from that - the author's humanity is in this book. He really gives his whole self and I feel enriched as a teacher because of it. He is a Jolly Nice Chap - his twitter is HERE and his website is HERE!

There will be more on this in November's post.

That was October.*

-------------
Oct 01: State of mind affects the ageing process more than we like to admit.

Oct 02: Age only brings wisdom when knowledge is acted on.

Oct 03: Age does not guarantee wisdom.

Oct 04: Age brings physical maturity but not necessarily any other.

Oct 05: Ageing sees growth, maturity and decline. At least we have a choice about gracefully going through each.

Oct 06: Step back, calm down and the way forward reveals itself.

Oct 07: Somewhere inside I have all the answers I need. Discovering them is the challenge.

Oct 08: Nature cannot be separated from our experience.

Oct 09: Spending time with nature reaffirms who we really are.

Oct 10: We don't need any more reason other than: just because we say so.

Oct 11: Growth happens at the limits of what you can do.

Oct 12: Your destiny gives you direction.

Oct 13: I never know what the response will be unless I do something different.

Oct 14: My body allows me to get stuff done. Why not take extremely good care of it?

Oct 15: Plan something and you can relax.

Oct 16: Everything starts as a creation in someone's head.

Oct 17: Holidays allow for contemplation that would not normally happen.

Oct 18: Contemplation gives space for creation.

Oct 19: A result is the meaning we add to specific things that happen.

Oct 20: Things are happening all the time. Whether we like it or not is up to us.

Oct 21: Old habits are hard to break. New ones are easy to create.

Oct 22: Just because I have been doing something regularly for a year still means it can be forgotten.

Oct 23: Just because I have been doing something regularly for ten years, still means it can be forgotten.

Oct 24: Just because it looks clean doesn't mean it is clean.

Oct 25: Truth can be found everywhere.

Oct 26: The space around me for new stuff to show up is always filling up.

Oct 27: Clear out old stuff to make way for new. Now apply that idea to your headspace.

Oct 28: An empty space will get filled.

Oct 29: I am always creating. Until it gets comfortable. Then it's repetition.

Oct 30: Being comfortable requires no focus.

Oct 31: Achieving comfort at one level allows creation at another. But only if I commit to grow.
-----------
*All my shit.

JDS Insights: September 2011

2011-10-24T23:51:00.000+01:00

It's been a while.

September was back to school...for someone like me.

Teachers approach the new school year in a variety of ways...but perhaps mostly with trepidation at the impending tiredness, late nights and the deeper appreciation of weekends.

Since returning to school and listening to the grapevine I've got the impression that a few of my (current and ex) pupils are reading my blog.

Hence my attempt to clean up the language...but not necessarily the vitriol, vigour and ranting.

It just means I have to be more creative.*

Anyway - returning to school full of inspiration and new ideas from the books I've been reading namely:

...which is actually the follow on from another book I read in May.

I've found something interesting has happened. Instead of marking (and planning) being the bane of my life and being unwilling and unable to get myself to sit down with books and get through it without my eyes rolling to the back of my head...I've actually been getting on with it.

Shocking.

Perhaps it's the sheer bloody-mindedness of staying the course in a career like teaching and I've just crossed my own Rubicon and become A Good Teacher. But I don't think so...I think it's because I've actually taken on the stuff in the book above. Over the years, I've noticed I'm one of a particular kind of weirdo who reads books and does what they say.

I've also noticed no significant drop in my energy levels as half-term approaches. Normally September starts well and I'm all happy with my nice new shiny teacher planner**, clean books and good working space. By the end of the month I've created my own special countdown to half-term as the frustration of teaching Year 11 begins to set in.

Not this time.

It's not that I'm all up-myself and high-and-mighty (although I get accused of that sometimes) - it's that I enjoy my job. I like to think the boys I teach know this and they're along for the journey too.

I also sat down and looked through the surveys*** I got back from last year's Year Ten (now this year's *wonderful* Year Eleven) and I've taken no nonsense in a way that I haven't before - as they requested. I adapted The Behaviour Guru's classroom rules template and it's worked.

It's also worked because I've been relentless at chasing people for sanctions and detentions. At the core of all this is me being organised and having certainty. Which I got from implementing the ideas in the book above.

See it's all wonderfully, virtuously circular.

Let's see what the future brings.

That was September.****
------------
Sep 01: Simple pleasures make life beautiful. I just forget they are everywhere.

Sep 02: Clearing a space allows for something else to emerge.

Sep 03: We clutter our minds and our lives and wonder why we don't achieve what we want.

Sep 04: Acquiring stuff does not make me richer.

Sep 05: The space between is as valuable as here and there.

Sep 06: Mastery lies in understanding the space between thought and the result.

Sep 07: Mastery is never really getting there, but exploring the myriad of ways that you can.

Sep 08: Nostalgia is only satisfying when you're happy in the present.

Sep 09: The bin needs to be emptied daily of the nonsense that builds up.

Sep 10: Our mundane daily habits contain snapshots into the profound.

Sep 11: Experiences we keep forever. Stuff will eventually get recycled.

Sep 12: Knowing why really can make all the difference.

Sep 13: Understanding the principles that govern something enables real power.

Sep 14: Understanding the principles behind the principles creates mastery.

Sep 15: I am not better than you. But you're not better than me.

Sep 16: Dominate, intimidate and subjugate your way to power and unhappiness.

Sep 17: There is a difference between results coerced and forced and results inspired and created.

Sep 18: Truth is difficult to come by.

Sep 19: Find out what people think before taking action. It saves time.

Sep 20: Over-thinking prevents action. At some point action has to be taken.

Sep 21: Keeping an eye on the prize keeps me motivated. I just gotta make sure I am going for the right prize.

Sep 22: Inspiration cannot be forced.

Sep 23: Cleaning one's physical space can enable cleaning ones mental space. And vice versa.

Sep 24: You can't always tell if you have offended someone. But if you ask, you can always clear it up.

Sep 25: When I am comfortable with the uncertainty of life then I tend to be able to respond to it effectively.

Sep 26: When I attempt to stay fixed - that's when the problems start.

Sep 27: I don't need to go to church or adhere to a set of religious ideals to experience God. God transcends all that.

Sep 28: Until I make it up, nothing happens.

Sep 29: There is a difference between taking things personally and taking responsibility.

Sep 30: Men act simply but are not simple.
-------
* Although I do think swear words have their place. Just ask George Carlin.

** Another post will go into the wonders of my Teachers' Planner later...

*** Every term I give my classes a survey about my teaching. It's pretty insightful and I get some stuff to think about and change.

****All Mine

JDS Insights: August 2011

2011-09-13T22:55:00.001+01:00

August for a teacher really means one thing: Summer Holidays.

Although it didn't feel so much like that for me for several reasons. I didn't go away anywhere on holiday (combined with being in and out of school) and I managed to sprain my ankle quite badly doing Urban Krav Maga. I suppose it comes with the territory that I was going to injure myself.

It meant that I was showing some kind of a limp for the month of August. It also mean no exercise. I *never* thought I'd get to the stage where I'd miss exercising - but there it is!

Funnily enough, I also wrote my first guest blog post for Urban Krav Maga - you can see it here. I'm quite proud of it - because on a whim all I did was ask the instructor if he'd like me to write something and he just agreed!*

Despite only having one ankle to play with, I still pwned everyone on a dancefloor in Bristol...

Apart from that...the riots were shocking...and yet not (perhaps I say that as a teacher). As was the way I kept up with what was going on - Twitter! I suppose it really came of age during the Arab Spring. Here in the UK it took something like those riots to showcase some interesting commentary.

Summer holidays are also a time where I read a load of stuff. Except this year I developed the beginnings of a rather disconcerting habit of reading several books at once. I attribute it to owning a Kindle and I'm calling it 'The Kindle Effect'. It's brought on by the fact that several (thousand) books can be carried at any one time...and I've ended up flicking from book to book a little.

I've settled on one that I'm really into - but that will be in September's blog in a bit more detail.

The two that caught me were: Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, and

:59 Seconds Think a Little, Change a Lot by Richard Wiseman

The first is actually a classic of self-help/ financial literature and is based on research of some very historically wealthy figures. It's a little 'American Dream' type stuff but the fundamentals are sound. I really think it's way, way ahead of its time - perhaps it's the earliest example of the self-help genre. I don't know if anyone's examined a history of that type of book but it's great. In truth I got it because it was 75p on Kindle - and I'd been recommended to read it by someone I respect.

The second was on Derren Brown's recommended reading list from his blog. (There are some fascinating recommendations on there!) It's written by a professor and based on scientific study of so-called 'self-help' techniques and actually debunks and destroys them. A great read!

This month I also learned a valuable lesson about not interfering in stuff but holding the space for something to happen. I have a tendency to think I know everything about everything and can become hard-headed about stuff. Sometimes the way to resolve a situation between people is to give them space to breathe and own their own humanity.

No mean feat for a pushy so-and-so like me...

It produced a dramatic result that's made a couple of important areas of my life a bit more relaxing...

And of course, August was about the culmination of the teaching profession. Everywhere teenagers were getting exam results and validating teachers lives. I was very proud of my a-level guys and proud of the whole year group going to university. I've written about them here. I wish them very well.

The AS guys were slightly different...but not unexpected...

GCSEs were similar...and I assert another truism: that the amount of work put in is related to the results achieved.

Funny that.

So August was mainly spent reading, thinking and drinking hot chocolate in coffee shops. Can't think of a better way to spend it really...

By the way - if you click on a link about a book and end up buying it...it helps me! I'm trying out some Amazon affiliate stuff...so perhaps more detailed reviews will come along the way...

That was August.**
---------------
Aug 01: Speaking without listening is like breathing without air.

Aug 02: Owning our own upset gives our self a space to breathe.

Aug 03: Saying what makes a difference requires an appropriate expression of truth.

Aug 04: Saying what makes a difference cannot be done when upset.

Aug 05: Saying what makes a difference requires standing one's ground.

Aug 06: Saying what makes a difference needs deep understanding of another.

Aug 07: Saying what makes a difference is knowing when not to interfere.

Aug 08: All behaviour is a communication.

Aug 09: Whilst listening, breathe.

Aug 10: Acknowledge, discuss and attempt to understand differences.

Aug 11: Create violence by hating the difference.

Aug 12: Create violence by enhancing the difference.

Aug 13: Create violence by ignoring ignorance.

Aug 14: Create violence by division.

Aug 15: The root of the problem is often difficult to identify.

Aug 16: The root of a problem is found when someone is willing to take responsibility.

Aug 17: Stand back and let people sort out their differences. Hold the space and love both sides.

Aug 18: One of the hardest things to do is give space for love to grow.

Aug 19: Listening to someone requires me to be silent.

Aug 20: I can't make anyone listen to me, any more than I can make them think something.

Aug 21: Push and something will push back.

Aug 22: You can't achieve a goal without measurement.

Aug 23: Without a stated commitment and goal, achievement is nothing but chance.

Aug 24: Getting to the root of something provides choice.

Aug 25: Getting to the root of something requires a willingness to be responsible.

Aug 26: Our minds are like gardens: regular maintenance required for effective growth; otherwise weeds overrun.

Aug 27: Without space to grow, nothing lives.

Aug 28: Knowledge and action are different. Taking action is what makes life happen.

Aug 29: Knowledge of something doesn't mean I will act to change it. All my exams tested my knowledge. Oh well.

Aug 30: To close down life, close your mind.

Aug 31: Having an open mind, opens life.
-------
*He did misspell my surname: De Souza instead of D'Souza...but I'm glad my words are out there!

**They all came from me.

JDS Insights: July 2011

2011-08-11T08:55:00.000+01:00

Truthfully...the stuff that comes out as insights arrives in fits and starts. Some of what I've written for July relates to events that happened in August.

You might pick up on it.

Otherwise, school ended and July saw me take a dive into the mess and melee that is my cultural community: the Goan Diaspora. And diaspora is the word. I'd never really investigated what the word meant until July - but it basically means settled away from one's ancestral homeland.

http://www.goaukconvention.co.uk/

Represent...

Pretty much how I experience my culture and upbringing.

So in July, I went to something called the Global Goans Convention - the fifth one ever and the first to be held in the UK, organised by the Goan Overseas Association (G.O.A.) UK.

I met some very interesting people, opened some doors and was similarly frustrated - all of which will be explained (perhaps) in another post.

I also had some very useful feedback on my writing. Suggestions have ranged from: reducing the swearing and serialising it on a blog to thinking about a proper structure.

The net result is the general encouragement to keep writing.

But July felt like a re-discovery and re-connection.

Enjoy!*

---------
01 Jul: Cynicism is black. Optimism is white. Skepticism can't choose.

02 Jul: To be optimistic is to deny the existence of the dark side. Balance is missing.

03 Jul: To be pessimistic is to deny the existence of the light side. Balance is missing.

04 Jul: A cynic looks back. An optimist looks forward. Yet truth lives in the present.

05 Jul: Our relationships give rise to who we are. Who we are gives rise to our relationships.

06 Jul: Being on time doesn't have to be difficult. We make it so.

07 Jul: No-one is always on time.

08 Jul: Being real with people purifies the space.

09 Jul: Grow by discovering your own incompetence.

10 Jul: I don't have to get angry about anything.

11 Jul: Absolute truth cannot be comprehended in the realm of the relative.

12 Jul: Our physical life takes place in the realm of the relative. But we exist beyond that.

13 Jul: Anger chosen is righteous indignation. But it can only go so far.

14 Jul: Everyone has something unique to bring to the planet. Discovering it can take a lifetime.

15 Jul: Our motivations for our behaviour are either much simpler or much more complex than we realise.

16 Jul: Our motivations are always deeper than they seem.

17 Jul: What drives us is very rarely what we say it is.

18 Jul: Data is a better guide than opinion.

19 Jul: Facts don't lie. Opinions do.

20 Jul: Inflexibility usually leads to pain.

21 Jul: Flexibility is not the same as being a push-over

22 Jul: Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Neither is it a sign of strength. It's just a request.

23 Jul: Leaving things incomplete is just ...

24 Jul: One aspect of clarity: knowing what you're doing now, doing next and not doing.

25 Jul: Another aspect of clarity: being present.

26 Jul: Everyone wants to impress everyone else. Being conscious to this provides freedom.

27 Jul: Everything you say and do, or don't say and don't do is a communication.

28 Jul: Strength is not only brute force.

29 Jul: Life has no purpose until I make one up for myself.

30 Jul: Everything we are is a communication. Freedom is communicating with awareness.

31 Jul: Communications don't always work because not everyone is listening.
----------
*All Mine!

JDS Insights: June 2011

2011-07-26T15:28:00.001+01:00

So...June...

The last few weeks before the end of the year at school are always interesting. Everyone is in the winding-down mode - even though they sometimes give the pretence of not thinking like this.

I had the joys of being invited for Jury Service earlier in the year...I was asked to defer it...and well - June it was.

Jury service is amongst the most interesting activities any citizen can participate in. It sounds cheesy to think of it as one's civic duty but after completing it, I realised how important it is to the implementation of the law in the UK.

Putting aside my opinions on the functioning of a democracy, the application of the process of law was instructive. I actually felt *privileged* to be with some of my fellow Londoners. And I have to say that the group of us were from as wide-ranging a group of people as could have been selected from walking down any street in suburban London.

That was the most interesting part - we were just ordinary people; I'm glad the variety of the jury I sat on reflected the mosaic of peoples I witness every day in a suburb of London.

Aside from that, this month's book was intriguing to say the least - especially given I was sitting on a jury for part of the month. See the link below:

Truly fascinating practical psychological stuff. Really well-written and thoroughly researched. It also gives practical tips on avoiding the everyday weapons of influence employed to effect changes on our behaviour.

We are closer to being stimulus-response mechanisms than we think.

That was June.*

-----------
Jun 1: Putting off starting that dream idea? Never mind just remember every day that passes is a step closer to death.

Jun 2: A relationship founded on lies will have a particular future.

Jun 3: There's nothing an open and honest conversation can't resolve.

Jun 4: Hate all you want. Just be aware that it will give you a certain kind of world.

Jun 5: God created life, the universe and everything. Therefore God created the word cunt.

Jun 6: God hides in plain sight. A bit like the Transformers.

Jun 7: I never really know how someone is going to react to me.

Jun 8: We are more insightful than we realise. Too often we just ignore our insights.

Jun 9: Truth creates a space for more to happen than hard work alone.

Jun 10: You can't avoid what you know about yourself. But what you know about yourself isn't always conscious.

Jun 11: We put up with, and can tolerate a lot more shit in our lives than we realise. Easier than using some bleach and a brush.

Jun 12: Does living virtuously make you incredibly interesting or incredibly boring?

Jun 13: I often wonder what has more effect: the teacher's lesson in the classroom, or the teacher's lesson outside the classroom.

Jun 14: Learning happens anywhere and everywhere not just in school.

Jun 15: Does school teach obedience or creativity?

Jun 16: Breathe deeply and enjoy it-you never know what's going to happen tomorrow.

Jun 17: It's the direction that you're looking that affects what you do now so consider what happens if you're always looking back.

Jun 18: The world moves fast: no past, no future, just present.

Jun 19: People know you only from what you show about yourself.

Jun 20: Being concerned about what other people think of you is different from being aware of what others think of you.

Jun 21: Being self-aware allows more freedom to choose.

Jun 22: Put less in and shrink. Put more in and grow. True on so many levels.

Jun 23: Simple pleasures make daily happiness easy.

Jun 24: There's stuff to make us smile anywhere and everywhere.

Jun 25: Intention is the difference between an innocent question and prejudice.

Jun 26: Getting clear about my intentions gets me in touch with what's really going on...even if it's not very nice.

Jun 27: Not wanting to do something you said you would do is human. Actually doing it - despite that - is something greater.

Jun 28: Anything can become truth. It just needs enough people to agree on it.

Jun 29: If you have good news, give it greater life by sharing it.

Jun 30: Keep your truth alive by being consistent with what you think, say and do.

----------
*all my own!

Class of 2011: Onwards and Upwards

2011-07-21T19:23:00.000+01:00

The staff room floor...

Teachers always approach the last day of school for a group of Year 13 students with a certain amount of trepidation. Traditionally, it’s viewed as the Annual Day of Practical Jokes. This year, their last day coincided with the day of the Leavers’ Boat Party where the Leavers of Our School and Another Local Girls’ School enjoy a boat cruise along the Thames.

Before the night’s festivities, however, my school’s staff were greeted with several slightly surreal scenes: hundreds of partly-filled plastic cups of water in a staff-room devoid of furniture; a spectacular pyramid-shaped sculpture of tables gaffer-taped together on the lawn and inside several teaching rooms, a variety of computer items cling-filmed together.

It was all very good-humoured. I will miss this year group in particular, as their start as fresh-faced young men was also mine. Their metamorphosis into gentlemen was brought home when I arrived at the local pub for an informal drink. Every one of the boys was wearing an evening suit and looked impeccable.

This good humour continued through the night. Boarding a boat at Putney pier it became apparent that it was not just our School Leavers (and staff!) who had made an effort to look their best: the girls ensured the limelight was not stolen by the sharp lines of a well-cut tuxedo.

Quick consumption of drinks (including those of the alcoholic variety) was followed by a very pleasant two-course meal. London’s landmarks along the Thames provided an excellent backdrop to the sharing of embarrassing school stories, anecdotes of times gone by and musing about the future.

The DJ provided a range of suitable music to get our feet moving. The enthusiasm (perhaps fuelled by a certain elixir) with which certain songs were embraced was impressive. This was even more so when the boat suffered a power failure and plunged the celebration into darkness. Undaunted, our boys continued singing party anthems, clapping and taking the crowd with them.

The Head Boy continued this undaunted spirit by giving out the Leavers’ Awards. Each one was accompanied by his wry, humorous take on his peers. These awards, organised and voted for by the boys themselves underlined the strong sense of community present amongst our pupils – due in no small part to the positive environment staff create.

Other highlights of the evening included: a Kilt; a cowboy Hat; a teacher’s smooth dancefloor moves (no not mine) and the Girls’ School Leavers remarking on how wonderful our staff were.

This evening not only gives the Leavers an opportunity to dress up – it also represents a chance for boys to say their goodbyes: to each other and to the staff who have nurtured them. It really is about their moving on to pastures new – the call of life beyond the cosy walls of Our School must be heeded. The ‘special relationship’ between staff and student that makes Our School unique was palpably present on the boat that night. I’m sure each boy will take fond memories of their time with us as they move onwards and upwards.

JDS Insights: May 2011

2011-07-18T11:32:00.007+01:00

May...I remember that month.

People moving away...the weather brightening up a little...and me discovering my anger doesn't have to run me...nope - my worry does!

Worrying about all the things I have to get done.

I think everyone worries about this. Aside from being wholly unproductive, the effect is to take us away from the present moment. Which makes us even less able to deal with what we have to get done.

I mean, *everyone* has more to get done than they actually have time for.

Still, in May I read this, did it and it worked. And still works.

It took a bit of thought and tinkering but I've got something that fits with me.

So I worry less. And the present moment is more appealing.

-----------
01 May: If it can get worse it will. It all depends on how you think about it.

02 May: Everyone has an opinion about everything. It doesn't always help to express them.

03 May: Unsolicited opinions make no difference.

04 May: Aging and maturity don't happen at the same rate.

05 May: We all get something from complaining otherwise we wouldn't do it.

06 May: We are not as rational as we justify to ourselves that we are.

07 May: A good justification obscures the truth.

08 May: Hiding something is the same as lying about it.

09 May: Deceiving oneself takes a lot of energy.

10 May: Keep digging and it is fascinating what I can discover about myself. But it makes no difference until I share what I notice.

11 May: Everyone has something to contribute to the planet.

12 May: Good ideas kept in one's brain make nothing happen. When shared, all sorts of stuff can happen.

13 May: Navel-gazing is pointless.

14 May: We all know the thing to do that will make the biggest difference to our lives. But why do so few of us do it?

15 May: If I keep doing something I get better at it. Whether it's conscious or unconscious.

16 May: If I keep losing my temper in response to something. Losing my temper will become the way I respond.

17 May: Miscommunication happens because I don't listen.

18 May: There is always another way.

19 May: Think deeply about what's really important and it might surprise.

20 May: It can be very difficult to discern what is worth your time and what isn't.

21 May: Is there anything worth losing your temper for?

22 May: Arguments can be useful if there is a deeper commitment to something much bigger behind it.

23 May: Lying can be easier than telling the truth because in the short-term it takes less energy.

24 May: The planet is the way it is because people don't clear up their broken promises.

25 May: There is only so much information you can process at any one time.

26 May: Is it possible for humanity in its entirety to agree on something?

27 May: The less we can agree the harder it is for us to embrace our humanity.

28 May: Writing down and clarifying what I need to get done empties my head and frees me up to create.

29 May: When commitments are clear, the right tools can make a huge difference to action.

30 May: We behave more like stimulus-response mechanisms than we realise.

31 May: Old habits don't die hard. They just never get replaced with new ones.

--------
*These are all mine.

JDS Insights: April 2011

2011-07-02T23:48:00.001+01:00

April was a while ago.

Things were changing...and we were settling in. It was the final push before the exam season at school.

Easter Holidays were the turning point.

I also started to discover stuff about my neighbourhood. Community is important and can exist.

But that was then.
--------------
01 Apr: Knowing doesn't make a difference to how I act. Just take the action.

02 Apr: If I'm going to stop doing something I had better make sure I have something to replace it. Otherwise nonsense will fill the space.

03 Apr: You don't change habits. Just create new ones.

04 Apr: I can either be creating the projects in my life or be driven by my demons.

05 Apr: You can't live an interesting life using default settings.

06 Apr: Creation can't happen in a foggy head.

07 Apr: Daily living fills my head with stuff and nonsense.

08 Apr: Empty your head every night and get more done every day.

09 Apr: You can only fill up an open box.

10 Apr: There is actually always enough time in a day.

11 Apr: It's not the size of the house but the size of the welcome.

12 Apr: People love to be told what to think, do and say.

13 Apr: I am the source.

14 Apr: We are always creating our next experience - whether we like it or not, whether it's conscious or not.

15 Apr: Life has no morality. That's a human construction. Life just is.

16 Apr: There is beauty in everyone. Yet some people choose to hide theirs.

17 Apr: Without ugliness there is no beauty. But ugliness and beauty are both opinion.

18 Apr: Ugliness and beauty depend on which way you look at it. Like everything in life.

19 Apr: There is nothing wrong with properly expressed anger.

20 Apr: Deny your expression of an emotion and deny your self.

21 Apr: You always know the truth.

22 Apr: There is a difference between living and surviving.

23 Apr: We are all going to die. But the need to he right about what happens (or doesn't happen) next is wasted energy.

24 Apr: Live your own truth - not some half-baked version based on what someone else tells you.

25 Apr: Religion: how to avoid: i) thinking for yourself and ii) being responsible for making judgements based on your own experience.

26 Apr: Lift your head above your own petty existence, to discover that everyone has their heads buried in their petty existence.

27 Apr: Enlightenment: embracing your own petty existence whilst remembering the possibility of something bigger.

28 Apr: You can't look to the past and the future at the same time. Choose one as a guide.

29 Apr: The only time I can do anything about anything is right now.

30 Apr: Everyone has something to contribute.
------------
These are all from me.

Out Through The In Door: 2010/ 2011

2011-04-15T16:36:00.002+01:00

Ah yes.

This post is loooooooooong overdue. We're already part way through the second quarter of 2010! Anyways another year has passed into the ether and I might as well compete my musing and reflecting.

This is becoming a running theme. I think it's part of of the reflective process; taking stock and thinking allows for greater accomplishment in the future. Just looking back at my old posts reminds me how far I've come: 2008 - Sign "☮" the Times, 2009 - Flash-Back, Flash-Forward, 2010 - From the Shinings of my Reflections.

In fact, the 2009 Flash-Back, Flash-Forward post was written almost two years ago to the day. It took me that long to pin down exactly what I felt 2009 was going to be about...

So - 2010. To say it was an interesting year was kind of an understatement. From the Shinings of my Reflections picks three areas.

1) Creating a house, a home and everything in it...
Well in 2010 we started it...the process stalled...and then it took off again. We put our first place on the market in about April 2010. And then did very little. It was a learning process: Estate agents, valuations, pictures...the whole deal. And it works very much like selling anything. I certainly felt as if I was taking my first steps into a larger world with all the talk of mortgages, house prices, interest rates etc. It moved from being something purely theoretical I would talk and teach about, to something of very real significance.

But life has a way of throwing a spanner in the works. It was really tempting to take it all personally but changing job circumstances highlight the inherent uncertainty of life. At some point action is required right now - regardless of what's happened or what I think might happen in the future.

So yeah - the place went on the market in April 2010 and we accepted an offer in November 2010.

The foundations for creating a house, a home and everything in it started in 2010.

2) Completion
Well this was an interesting one. Firstly, my Unpredictable post hinted at stuff I've had to deal with that I won't go into. Suffice to say it affected me. And I am a little stronger as a result. It is true what I've heard - there's nothing that can't be resolved in communication.

Secondly, speaking with a few people I hadn't spoken to in a while and being honest with them - as well as being truthful with some people close to me laid to rest some demons. The result is that the future can go any which way. The past has happened - I can't change that - but in 2010 I realised that I'm not obliged to behave in a particular way. Yes I can be more considerate of the stuff I'm saying and the effect it has (2010 saw me explore this and realise a lot about how I come across) but also if no-one tells me what I'm doing or saying is mightily out of order - I'm not going to have the opportunity alter it.

Finally, 2010 also saw me continue to develop my relationship with my body. The beginning of the year saw me voluntarily re-do something called the 'bleep-test'. It's basically a physical fitness test. This was part of the ritual institutionalised humiliation inflicted on my 15-year old self at school that scarred me deeply and gave rise to the inadequacy I felt for a long time about my physical ability at *anything*.

And I went there. Yes I did. And I succeeded in bettering my original rating.

As I ran there by myself in the school sports hall I re-lived my nightmare. I wasn't in my thirties. I was a painfully awkward teenager with no sporting ability.

And something got laid to rest and complete for me.

It might sound like an exaggeration but I think incidents like that in my school days contributed to my perception of my sporting ability and coordination being very low. I think this also spilled over to my opinion of myself as a male. As if I was a less adequate man because I wasn't particularly sporty or physically imposing.

So as that got laid to rest it opened up exploring other things in relation to my physicality.

Like starting proper martial-arts/ self-defence classes. Yep - in September 2010 I started doing Urban Krav Maga. Which I've been doing pretty regularly since then. I've noticed that my relationship to my masculinity has altered. I still play down my ability and willingness to take part in competitive team sports without a healthy dose of piss-taking. But I have noticed that I feel a greater awareness of my body, of myself and the environment around me.

And according to The Fella I "punch less like a cunt."*

3) Power
So here, I was exploring power as the difference in the amount of time between saying something and it actually happening.

I suppose the most obvious thing has been with the whole creating a home part of my life. That's been the area that's taken the most energy and I've been the most conscious of.

But it has showed up at work too. I have created my own role at school: agreed the job description with senior management and got the appropriate salary increase.

Inevitably the question is:

Now what?
2010 was a year of unexpected twists and turns. Of getting things resolved and clearing a space for things to happen. Of re-engaging with the things I love the most.

2011 has already seen things take a step up. I've already initiated another community-type project to do with my cultural background. It's called 'Filling In the Cracks' - it will for the basis of another blog post quite easily.

And of course moving into a house.

Onwards into 2011 then: my themes for this year are going to be:

1) Creativity
Now this is going to show up in a two areas namely: money and writing. I'll be exploring interesting ways of making money with a view to becoming financially free in the future (uh-oh). I'll also be getting the structure of my book done because I've also *finally* picked the format for it - which again will be the basis of another blog post.

2) Contribution
This is something that will show up everywhere by virtue of my job but also within my family, friends and community.

Contributing to others can be a really good way of creating and re-creating relationships. Effective contribution can't happen without it as I found out when putting together 'Filling in the Cracks'.

3) Mastery
This isn't just about picking one thing and doing it lots. That's what mastery is usually defined as. Apparently 10,000 hours of doing something will give you the foundations of mastery. I'm not talking about one particular thing: guitar, writing, DIY or martial arts.

I'm talking about life. Mastering the aspects of living a complete, full and engaged life.

I've got over 10,000 hours of living right?

That's why I've re-named the subtitle of this blog. I'm re-positioning and focusing on something that interests me. I've always been interested in people, spirituality, making a difference and exploring the human condition.

But I've never been one to limit my thinking. I think part of what makes us human is how we engage with our lives. How the different intricate parts fit together to make us what we are. I'm interested in the whole thing: family, friends, health, studying, money, sex, home, leisure, music, guitar, shopping, style, blogging, community, culture, writing... the list goes on.

This is what my blog will be exploring from now on: (mis)adventures in practical spirituality whilst living a life I love. In the process I hope to enrich your existence through reading it.

So enjoy the insights, enjoy the posts, comment and criticise.

We are all one.

------------
*You should follow TheFella on twitter. Just for his Binary Reviews. And to keep him on side - you don't want to be fighting him.

JDS Insights: March 2011

2011-04-12T15:17:00.002+01:00

OK we are in to the second quarter of 2011 and I *still* haven't let go of 2010 yet...the post is still being planned.

Pretty much events of March have been momentous. I mean it's not every day one moves house. I think that's the big thing about March. A whole new space, a whole new set of problems and whole new side to my learning.

This month was also a reflection of the stress that changing one's living arrangements puts on a person. I found myself thinking, acting and reacting in ways that I don't normally.

That and a reminder from someone close to me - 'you can't control everything'.

Shame about that.

March also saw a contribution to my community in an interesting way. Speaking about things that *never* normally get spoken about. 'Filling In the Cracks' was by all accounts a success.

No pressure then.

That was March.

---------
01 Mar: Discover, develop and embrace what you're great at.

02 Mar: Sometimes life happens all at once. That's when you know you're growing.

03 Mar: Eloquence is saying what there is to say with as few words as is necessary.

04 Mar: It's not all black and white, just shades of grey.

05 Mar: Stuff is easy to accumulate but harder to offload.

06 Mar: It had to start somewhere. Someone started the ball rolling. Who was it?

07 Mar: Is it cause then effect? Or just effect then effect?

08 Mar: We are all human regardless of what's on the outside.

09 Mar: We are more like our parents than we realise. But we still have the capacity to change what happens next.

10 Mar: You can only change the rules of the game if you play by them first.

11 Mar: Breaking the rules means you have to acknowledge you're playing a game. (If you're playing a game that means it has rules.)

12 Mar: Some say it's all a game anyway. Others say it's more important than that. Which means they don't play very much.

13 Mar: Your life doesn't depend on anything. It just is.

14 Mar: It always works out just the way *someone* intended.

15 Mar: Knowing when to walk away can make *all* the difference.

16 Mar: Our deeper intentions give rise to more of our lives than we know. Question is - what are our deeper intentions?

17 Mar: Why is it easier to follow than lead? Oh yeah no thinking, commitment, creativity or risk required!

18 Mar: Nothing new ever got created without someone taking a risk.

19 Mar: Impatience is not a virtue.

20 Mar: When you absolutely need to you can punch harder and run faster than you think.

21 Mar: Sometimes I behave *just* like my dad. Sometimes I *really* don't. The point is I do have a choice.

22 Mar: Forgive your mistakes and clean up your mess. That's competence.

23 Mar: Forgive others' mistakes and clean up others' mess. That's mastery.

24 Mar: Have patience with yourself. Everyone else does.

25 Mar: Somehow something being inevitable sounds different to something being certain.

26 Mar: Nothing has to be inevitable. Try saying it with the emphasis on the word 'nothing'; then on 'has'; then on 'inevitable'. Now choose.

27 Mar: I waste time.

28 Mar: Learning doesn't have to be difficult but the best learning is challenging.

29 Mar: There is no *particular* way that teaching in class should look. But people expect it to be *their* way.

30 Mar: Unless you measure it, you have no idea if you're making progress.

31 Mar: I *know* I can choose how I react to something but I don't always *act* like it.
----------
I am the source.

JDS Insights: February 2011

2011-03-14T07:16:00.001Z

I've done it again...two posts in one day...it's because I'm on a roll and expecting a lot of people to be checking my blog...hahahahaha! I'll be posting more on the reasons for that...

Well February...such a lot happened. Organising. Negotiating. Discussing. Inspiring. Creating. Travelling. Skiing.

Things like: organising a home-move, whilst negotiating with estate agents and discussing boys' learning at parents' evening including inspiring (Goan) community leaders and members in creating an event and travelling to Austria with 42 boys on a skiing trip...

It meant I was quite tired. And the daily insights dried up on Twitter...for a while...

Within that there has been some really good news...people finding jobs that really express who they are (and knowing that I had my part to play) and others stepping forward to contribute to an event I put together as well as confirming our change/ growth in living space.

This month's insights reflect the slightly frenetic pace of life but also the sense of 'going for it' and 'creation' that's happened.

Thank-you to all the special people around me. They know who they are.

This was February*
------------------------
01 Feb: There is always something to learn about the people we think we know the best.

02 Feb: Family don't know everything about you. Friends don't know everything about you. You don't know everything about you.

03 Feb: Sometimes I think I know so much what's best for the people I love, I miss what they're actually saying.

04 Feb: There *is* enough time for everything you want. Just be clear about what you want.

05 Feb: You don't know the reason for something as it happens. You only realise after time and reflection.

06 Feb: When you're ready and aware it will happen.

07 Feb: Getting stuck on a particular outcome can close down the opportunity for it to come to you in a number of ways.

08 Feb: Doing nothing opens nothing to happen. Being nothing opens everything to happen.

09 Feb: Life happens to me but having some direction means I can make life happen too.

10 Feb: You never know how someone is going to respond until you ask a straight question.

11 Feb: Unless you ask a straight question you won't get a straight answer.

12 Feb: When someone answers your question, *listen* to what they say.

13 Feb: Young people are in the process of growing up. Sometimes they genuinely don't have a clue.

14 Feb: In life, expand or contract.

15 Feb: Life is ups and downs. If I am down-I know what's coming next. Equally if I am up-I know what's coming next.

16 Feb: We only have limited time in this world.

17 Feb: It starts with who I am being and ends up with reality.

18 Feb: If I am being loving I will do the things loving people do and have the things loving people have. Imagine being angry?

19 Feb: Being scared can mean I am out of my comfort zone and I am alive.

20 Feb: Nothing has to stop me if I don't want it to.

21 Feb: Sometimes things are loud for a reason.

22 Feb: If someone repeats themselves to me perhaps I didn't get it the first time.

24 Feb: If the same stuff keeps happening to me, what is life telling me?

25 Feb: I can handle more than I think.

26 Feb: Most people have no clue what they *really* want.

27 Feb: It's only when you stick your neck out for something that you realise what you're truly capable of.

28 Feb: We all have the capacity to create something that lives and breathes outside us. Metaphorically and literally.
---------------
*Quote the source.

JDS Insights: January 2011

2011-03-14T07:00:00.001Z

Time definitely flies when you're having fun.

We're now almost a quarter of the way through the year...and I haven't even picked my themes for this year and reviewed last year! Ah well...it's in the works.

Back to January...and it was a month of recovery and action.

I've been engaged in something I had turned my back on. Contribution and community isn't always something that people think is important or even something that we can provide. Leadership too - it seems as if people are born with it rather than something that anyone can be.

It was also a month of new starts - which is something that always happens in January - and this year is no exception. Little things like a phone call can make a big difference - and it's keeping it going that helps a lot. That and dealing with all the little things that go with changing your living space...there are a lot!

Enjoy the thoughts from January...*

------------------
01 Jan: Could people behave *every day* as if it was New Year's Eve? Or would that diminish the power and mystique of that night?

02 Jan: Most of what passes through my head, forwards nothing. But it still came from me.

03 Jan: Discerning what's useful from what's useless is half the battle.

04 Jan: Don't kid yourself: mostly the internal voice chats shit. But it's still part of you.

05 Jan: Listening to *everything* I say to myself, gives me a full understanding of myself. Anything less is incomplete.

06 Jan: If every day is exactly the same, where is the creation?

07 Jan: I don't know - make something up.

08 Jan: Everyone makes it up as they go along. Or they're good at pretending they're not.

09 Jan: Choosing to let go of one thing opens up choices for something else.

10 Jan: Revealing ignorance - and dealing with it - is better than pretending you know.

11 Jan: Knowing something that could contribute - and holding back - isolates self and pushes humanity apart.

12 Jan: Saying what there is to say, shrinks my dark side.

13 Jan: Use your head and trust your instincts because logically your feelings will guide you. Got that?

14 Jan: Tough challenge: Be Yourself.

15 Jan: To be yourself, you have to know yourself; which needs self-awareness; which in turn, needs you to shut up and listen.

16 Jan: Express yourself.

17 Jan: Everyone knows what there is to do; whether you do it is a different matter.

18 Jan: Just because you make a New Year's Resolution does not mean you will fulfil your dream.

19 Jan: A little every day is usually better than a lot once or twice a month.

20 Jan: Deflecting genuine compliments you receive is like slapping yourself in the face and then slapping them.

21 Jan: Say "Thank-you" and mean it.

22 Jan: Heartfelt thanks acknowledges the spirit in everyone involved.

23 Jan: Blink and a year can pass. Make the most of each moment.

24 Jan: Knowing the reason behind doing something is more important than all the doing.

25 Jan: Never underestimate the positive effects of little thoughts that show you care for the people you love.

26 Jan: Exercising the mind is as important as exercising the body. But how do you exercise the soul?

27 Jan: Consider that your opinion of someone else doesn't match their opinion of you. If that's true, now what?

28 Jan: Nothing is real until you take action.

29 Jan: People want to be inspired. Anyone can do the inspiring.

30 Jan: A risk is an action with an uncertain outcome. But we are afraid of risk. Does that mean most of us have lives of certainty?

31 Jan: Creating inspiration is a natural thing to do. I don't always behave naturally.
-----------
*If you find what I've written interesting, please acknowledge the source. Thanks!

JDS Insights: December 2010

2011-01-18T20:17:00.000Z

Only now am I getting around to posting about December.

And it was an interesting month. As a teacher, I've started to realise how important the holidays are for physical well-being.

What I mean is that in my job, I choose to give of myself. It's pretty tiring. I trained a PGCE student, I sang in the choir and kept the Sixth Form on track as well as I could, wherever I felt I could.

So - not surprisingly - I got ill on the last day of term.

Like properly ill for almost 10 days. Yes I was hit by the 'flu!

Apparently it's not uncommon for teachers to get ill when the holidays start.

So much for having weeks of holiday eh?

That was December.*

--------------
01 Dec: What happened before does not have to dictate what will happen next.

02 Dec: Truth is challenging to tell. Telling the truth challenges.

03 Dec: What's the difference between a half-truth and a half-lie?

04 Dec: Am I driving my life or being driven in my life? One sounds worse.

05 Dec: I actually don't know...until I make it up.

06 Dec: People can handle truth.

07 Dec: Teach history by giving *all* the evidence and letting people make up their own mind.

08 Dec: Offending seems to be easier than inspiring. But inspiring is more natural.

09 Dec: Playing full out gets harder as I get older. Is that because I have become sensible?

10 Dec: Happiness is not found in having more stuff.

11 Dec: To achieve a goal keep removing what's between here and there. The rest is easy.

12 Dec: Complete the preparation and you're ready for anything.

13 Dec: Moving forward after a setback doesn't have to be any more difficult than it was before.

14 Dec: Nobody actually listens to what's out there. Knowing that doesn't help. Practising it does.

15 Dec: Truth makes no difference in your head. Expressing it alters something.

16 Dec: Words are not experiences. They are just noises; signs of reality.

17 Dec: Changing something is different from creativity.

18 Dec: No thing is still forever. Nothing is forever still.

19 Dec: Communication is still possible without knowing another's language. But it requires opening oneself to one's humanity.

20 Dec: It all starts with truth.

21 Dec: When things are cold we understand the value of warmth.

22 Dec: It's difficult to appreciate all the ripples of one's actions.

23 Dec: Embrace your humanity. How else to deal with consistently fucking up? Oh yeah - a sense of humour.

24 Dec: Aspire to something.

25 Dec: Family does not *always* know best.

26 Dec: The previous generation doesn't have to dictate what happens next.

27 Dec: Never discount the emotional and spiritual benefits of exercise.

28 Dec: Never discount the emotional and spiritual problems of physical illness.

29 Dec: Continually doing something will either rob it of its significance or bring deeper insight. Your choice.

30 Dec: Sometimes the appropriate response is to walk away and not bang your head against that particular brick wall any longer.

31 Dec: Hit the reset button. You can do it at any time not just New Year's Eve.
--------------
*If you find what I've written interesting, please acknowledge the source. Fanks!

JDS Insights: November 2010

2010-12-31T14:23:00.000Z

OKOKOK...unconventional and ridiculous - two blog posts in one day.

I'm just tying up the loose ends.

A month of moving forward. My first Saturday detention, my second trainee teacher, yet another 30th and well...a house? Maybe.

Things moved quickly in November. I think this month showed how much life is about clearing stuff out the way for *other* stuff to arise.

Another month, another book too - this time engaging with Economics...I do love it! Capitalism 4.0: The Birth of a New Economy in the Aftermath of Crisis really starts to examine the current recession but is also a history of Capitalism. Interesting stuff.

Book and tech reviews might be a good thing to start to focus my ideas. Thoughts?

Yeah well...that was November.**
-------------
01 Nov: Evolve or die.

02 Nov: Do nothing and shit builds up.

03 Nov: Heal physical bruising and battering with rest. Prevent with balanced diet and regular exercise.

04 Nov: Heal emotional bruising and battering with truthful conversation. Prevent with balanced listening and regular forgiveness.

05 Nov: Practising something means it doesn't disappear.

06 Nov: We don't live in a world of absolutes.

07 Nov: We are always looking into the past; literally, and metaphorically.

08 Nov: New stuff happens every day, hour, minute and second. We just don't pay attention to it.

09 Nov: People will say all sorts of stuff. I will do all sorts of stuff. The more they overlap the less free space for me.

10 Nov: It's not always easy to clarify what I want *intellectually*. But part of me knows it always expresses itself.

11 Nov: At the highest level, we all want the same thing.

12 Nov: Scarcity: a fundamental economic concept and driving force for no sharing.

13 Nov: The more I think about something,the more real it seems. The more I try *not* to think about something, the more real it seems.

14 Nov: We are surrounded by people who love us yet we don't always remember this.

15 Nov: Yes they *do* care. Despite what the voice in your head is telling you.

16 Nov: Clarifying feelings from truth takes a lot of discernment and practice.

17 Nov: Does earning money have to be difficult?

18 Nov: There *is* enough for everyone.

19 Nov: Inflexibility leads to breakages.

20 Nov: You can fit more into life than you realise.

21 Nov: One thing at a time increases effectiveness.

22 Nov: Open your eyes, mind and heart and deal with what's in front of you.

23 Nov: If you enjoy your job, there is no space for illness.

24 Nov: Practising helps but we aren't always clear what we practise.

25 Nov: Fear is perfectly natural. The choice is if it stops action.

26 Nov: It's not always clear how to do something when you first conceive it.

27 Nov: You just don't know until you take action.

28 Nov: Wisdom is not automatically earned through age.

29 Nov: Words communicate. Thoughts affect. Feelings influence. Action produces. But Being holds it all.

30 Nov: Does anyone have the answer? Depends on the question.
-------------
**Acknowledge the source. Always.

JDS Insights: October 2010

2010-12-31T12:56:00.008Z

I remember October being tough. And getting older.

First, my birthdays have stopped being a big deal. They pass. I'm always a little surprised by who doesn't remember. The relevant people always remember.

Second, I also re-engaged with something I turned my back on. I'm not sure if I'll regret it in the long-run.

Third, I acquired some new tech. A Kindle. Now I was cynical about it at first. I thought it was an excuse to make money...but technology evolves. I do quite a bit of reading and well...those books take up a lot of space.

Whilst in the US, I got to see what a Kindle was like. The screen blew me away. *Nothing* like a computer screen. It behaved like a book and felt like a book. My book collection is eventually going to be on the Kindle. I'll do a more in-depth post soon.

Finally, it was also a more reflective month. A two-week half-term does that, along with reading Simon Pegg's Autobiography - Nerd Do Well. What a great read...especially on the Kindle! I don't feel like such a weirdo for being really into things - geek chic and all that...

And that was October.**
----------------------------------
Oct 01: Friendships last, friendships change, friendships die, friendships fade.

Oct 02: No-one can force you to like something. You either do or you don't.

Oct 03: Choose the things you like carefully. They represent you.

Oct 04: Take on something bigger than you. You will expand to deal with it.

Oct 05: Rise to the challenge and challenges rise with you.

Oct 06: Your worries can be a path to fulfillment if you make them worthwhile.

Oct 07: Your worries can be a path to fulfillment if you choose them.

Oct 08: Clarify your commitments to conjure your creations.

Oct 09: Why worry? It's all made up anyway.

Oct 10: You can't resist aging but you can enjoy it if you want.

Oct 11: Sometimes you just have to go for it and life works itself out.

Oct 12: A pain in the neck can prevent me from looking at things from another angle.

Oct 13: Fuck it, let's do it anyway.

Oct 14: Truth? Make it up as you go along.

Oct 15: Play to the crowd and lose your Self.

Oct 16: Young people are struggling to grow up. Why do us older people make it harder?

Oct 17: Parents know what's good but not always what's best.

Oct 18: Strongly held opinions can stop me from seeing miracles.

Oct 19: If you don't look for it, you'll miss it.

Oct 20: If you missed it, there will be another. Provided you don't give up looking.

Oct 21: In the grand scheme of things does anyone really mess up their life? Everyone does what they do.

Oct 22: When it's time to rest, it's time to get ill.

Oct 23: I can tell someone what to think if I want to. That doesn't mean I will have any effect.

Oct 24: No-one can make you think anything you don't choose to.

Oct 25: Getting people to think is different from preparing for exams.

Oct 26: When I compare myself to others, everyone else seems cooler, more intelligent, more successful...am I missing something?

Oct 27: Expectations - a key ingredient to being upset.

Oct 28: Commitment - the main component of getting what you want.

Oct 29: Perhaps you can't choose your family. But you can choose how you are around them.

Oct 30: Life doesn't happen in neat and tidy compartments and conversations. It's messy.

Oct 31: You always know what to do. It's not always easy to take the required action. We see obstacles everywhere.

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** I created this. Acknowledge when you quote.

JDS Insights: September 2010

2010-10-19T22:00:00.005+01:00

I've got some time on my hands. Can you tell? I'm relaxing by updating my blog again!

September was back to school month. A whole new year and my career felt like it had been kick-started. Well only because I started to push and take on the things I wanted to.

Sometimes it's not just about job satisfaction though. Money and official announcements to others are appropriate recognition too. If people know that I'm accountable for something in my job, and I have the agreement from my managers, then it's much easier to get the job done. Of course, if people don't know and I don't have the agreement from my managers - the job is tough.

My career is down to me; I wrote and agreed my own job description. This is not unusual for me - my career path hasn't been conventional. I've always seemed to be creating my own roles and contributing in my own way to the organisation I'm a part of. I like doing that. It's free rein. It's actually being entrepreneurial within an institution - an intrapreneur.*

Apart from teaching, being a husband, brother and son presented their own challenges.

And one of my old friends got married. Which reminded me of old conversations and how it's normal to have ups and downs within a relationship.

I also started something new - Urban Krav Maga. I've always been aware of my physicality (i.e. I'm a short-arse) but never really considered learning any basic self-defence before. Whilst I have improved my fitness over the past couple of years, I've noticed I've needed to push myself a little. A moshpit is great for me to release aggression but using it effectively is a new path. I heard about it from a friend of Circusboy1 called Thefella. Thefella is mental. In a good way. And wildly talented.

The Urban Krav Maga is tough: back aching, neck paining and knuckle grazing. No pain, no gain I guess. At least I'll punch less like a fucking cunt. I hope.

I enjoy being alive (mostly).

And that was September...**

------------------------

Sep 01: When I walk away from something I haven't finished, part of me stays with it.

Sep 02: If something isn't finished, or isn't going to get finished, say so.

Sep 03: We put so much in the way of loving the people close to us.

Sep 04: What I think about something is different to reality. Trouble is I spend a lot of time in my head.

Sep 05: If you're committed to something, do what needs to be done. Thinking isn't getting it any closer.

Sep 06: Children learn from their Parents. Parents learn from their children.

Sep 07: Isn't there a time/ space between something happening and our senses perceiving it?

Sep 08: Being nice to people doesn't have to be difficult.

Sep 09: Money is the means not the end. The end is when we're dead.

Sep 10: In case you hadn't noticed - the future hasn't happened yet.

Sep 11: When reality is more interesting than the contents of my head, there is no need for drugs. And vice versa of course.

Sep 12: Everyone does their best in life with the tools they have. Seems that few people take the time to improve the tools.

Sep 13: There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say.

Sep 14: If I am committed to something and I ache, keeping going will make the pain stop.

Sep 15: Being unsure of direction means no progress.

Sep 16: It's ok to struggle.

Sep 17: Knowing when to stop and when to keep going is most of the battle.

Sep 18: Give up if you want. Just examine the consequences of your choice.

Sep 19: The more deeply you love someone, the deeper your capacity to cause them pain.

Sep 20: The more truth of yourself you reveal, the riskier life becomes. But greater is the ultimate fulfilment.

Sep 21: Your dreams never disappear they just get buried waiting to be rediscovered at the opportune moment.

Sep 22: Sometimes the people you love the most can be the scariest people in your life. They know *everything*.

Sep 23: Regardless of how they behave, the people you love the most are always helping you grow.

Sep 24: Don't try and hide anything from your siblings. They just *know*.

Sep 25: Your partner understands you in ways your family can't and won't.

Sep 26: The people who love you need to hear the great stuff that's happening in your life too.

Sep 27: You are stronger than you realise: physically and emotionally.

Sep 28: Sleep fast, live fully.

Sep 29: There are no right opinions - good, bad, cool, uncool - all a matter of opinion.

Sep 30: Friendship depends on our ability to pick up where we left off. Time and distance become irrelevant.

------------------------

*Yes it is an actual word!

** These words are all mine. I created them. Acknowledge when you quote.

JDS Insights: August 2010

2010-10-12T23:09:00.001+01:00

Better late than never!

Those of you that follow me on Twitter will know that my insights haven't dried up...just my posting to my blog.

August was a month of Sun and Family. Whilst I was enjoying the time off, I was coasting - spending money, finally getting round to finishing reading Frankenstein...and also - spending time at work.

The reason for being at work was because I knew I was going away at the end of August...which was kind of annoying because it meant I had no time before I would be back at school. There was no way I was going back into a new term without having done a LOAD of planning.

To that end, I would go into work in the morning and do something else in the afternoon...it worked well.

As for going away...well it was a family affair...a couple of weddings in August and all that I think about is the fraught, fun and frolics of the family.

That was August.*

----------------------

Aug 1: You can't really know someone unless you take time to listen for what they're passionate about.

Aug 2: Sometimes people don't realise their passions, talents and strengths. Yet its the source of happiness.

Aug 3: A to-do list is never complete. But it helps focus the mind and clear the head.

Aug 4: If you complete everything on your to-do list, your to-do list isn't complete.

Aug 5: There are some things on a to-do list that never get completed. They're too big. But they're always worth going for.

Aug 6: Aspiring to something big makes the journey worthwhile not the destination.

Aug 7: The sheer volume of crap I produce never ceases amazes me.

Aug 8: I will always forget just how selfish I can be and need constant reminding.

Aug 9: It's always worth considering that people close to me know my blind spots and that I don't.

Aug 10: If you can receive, it opens up space for more giving.

Aug 11: I can't protect myself from everything. Life is inherently risky.

Aug 12: Listen carefully between the lines. Sometimes what's not being said is as important as what is.

Aug 13: Trying to please everyone and get everyone to like me is no way to live life. What do I really want?

Aug 14: Too much analysis kills action.

Aug 15: I can't think of everything before acting. Sometimes I just have to act.

Aug 16: Here's a useful question: what am I great at? We don't ask ourselves that often enough.

Aug 17: Listen deeply to others. Choose and act for yourself.

Aug 18: A routine will develop habits. This can be done consciously or unconsciously.

Aug 19: Master your routine. Don't let it master you.

Aug 20: Life is more than just a bunch of routines. We are not computer programs.

Aug 21: Do we write the program of our life? Or are we letting someone else do it?

Aug 22: Stimulus/ response. Life is all about following stimuli.

Aug 23: If I go back far enough, is God the First Stimulus?

Aug 24: We go to the toilet to get rid of accumulated physical waste. How do we get rid of accumulated emotional waste?

Aug 25: Families come in all shapes and sizes, arguments and compromises.

Aug 26: What's happened to my parents doesn't have to happen to me.

Aug 27: All families have issues. I am not alone.

Aug 28: All families are different yet all are the same.

Aug 29: You can discover more about yourself in your first conversation with a stranger than you realise.

Aug 30: Urban living can disconnect us from each other. People are people in all places.

Aug 31: I'm not sure I ever really own anything.

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*Quote me liberally. Just say it was me.

JDS Insights: July 2010

2010-08-02T21:14:00.002+01:00

July has been a difficult month.

I mean yeah school is over for the summer and I've got some time off.

But things never stop being challenging. Or fucking annoying and frustrating depending on your mood/ perspective.

Firstly, I started off July confronting my relationship with my body. Normally that can mean getting ill, but I mean also taking pleasure in my body. The whole area of sex was always fraught with fear for me. My school taught me the mechanics and biology; my parents did their best with the experience and feelings (i.e. nothing). What I've learned is that I enjoy and abuse my body in equal measure. To be fair to myself, I've learned to take much better care of my body and I feel so much better for it.

Secondly, the summer holidays always begin (and this month ends) with an opening to soul-searching/ reflection but also that splinter-in-my-brain; that negative-self-talking-voice-in-my-head making itself known. I'm no longer compelled to get up in the morning in service of some commitment. I can do anything and it's potentially a recipe for getting lost in my head.

That's where this blog helps.

Enjoy.*
-----------

Jul 1: Getting ill isn't purely a physical phenomenon.

Jul 2: I have my own strengths. That doesn't make me a better person than you.

Jul 3: Why do we spend so much time working on our weaknesses instead of supporting our strengths?

Jul 4: My body knows more about my state of mind than I initially assume.

Jul 5: The body is a reflection of what's going on inside.

Jul 6: For most people, just because they are something doesn't mean they behave like one.

Jul 7: Who I am being is a choice. How I behave is also a choice. The closer they match, the easier life is.

Jul 8: Death follows life follows death follows life etc.

Jul 9: Am I just skin, bones, blood, guts or am I more than that?

Jul 10: There's more to living than just dying.

Jul 11: There is dignity in living well. Where is our dignity in dying well?

Jul 12: We all want to live an amazing life. Do we want to die an amazing death? Or are both of those just attention-seeking?

Jul 13: Masturbation is like eating a whole tub of Haagen Dazs. Instant pleasure. Longer regret.

Jul 14: One-night-stand fucking is like having fast-food. Instant gratification that lingers but leaves a bad taste in the body.

Jul 15: Having sex is like a three-course meal. Savour each lingering moment.

Jul 16: Making love is like spending a whole day with one special person. Complete-person sharing.

Jul 17: Nothing stays hidden forever.

Jul 18: If I say I hate someone, it's not them. It's what they represent. It's the part of myself that falls short of what I want.

Jul 19: In life no-one can (or needs to) hear you pray.

Jul 20: Do your own thing. Trust yourself. You know what's best for you. Your parents did their best. Fuck the rest of them.

Jul 21: It may not feel like it and you can't see it yet but we want you to succeed.

Jul 22: Everyone is loved.

Jul 23: Belief and faith are irrelevant 1: God loves everyone.

Jul 24: Belief and faith are irrelevant 2: everyone gets spiritual backup.

Jul 25: Belief and faith are irrelevant 3: God forgives everyone.

Jul 26: Believe in yourself. Have faith in yourself. Life takes care of itself.

Jul 27: Being present allows choices based on all available data to serve what I'm up to. Question is what am I up to?

Jul 28: How can anything alter if I am always thinking about tomorrow or worrying about yesterday?

Jul 29: If I don't sit still occasionally the noise can't stop and I won't hear anything.

Jul 30: There are deeper truths hidden in popular culture. The message has to get through by any means necessary.

Jul 31: There's a time and place for enjoying a dump. It's just not in conversation with someone. Act responsibly.

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*Quote me liberally. Just say it was me.

JDS Insights: June 2010

2010-07-11T13:01:00.001+01:00

June was the month when the fact it was almost the end of the academic year became real. Summer was coming. And the weather began to reflect this (for once).

But I've also been thinking about how much I put up with around me - and I don't always have the courage to address. There are things I really like about myself and things that I don't. Perhaps it's part of the human experience.

This month has also been an eye-opener about my chosen profession and schools. Are they really the benevolent institutions they seem? I sometimes wonder. John Taylor Gatto doesn't think they are.

I've also had a challenging month questioning my motives for doing things. What's really guiding me? I'm far more manipulative than I give myself credit for but it's all guided by what I want: sometimes selfish, sometimes selfless.

All of this and of course the drama of the World Cup.

The only time I enter the world of giving a shit about football.

Take from these insights what you will.*

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Jun 1: Putting off starting that dream idea? Never mind just remember every day that passes is a step closer to death.

Jun 2: A relationship founded on lies will have a particular future.

Jun 3: There's nothing an open and honest conversation can't resolve.

Jun 4: Hate all you want. Just be aware that it will give you a certain kind of world.

Jun 5: God created life, the universe and everything. Therefore God created the word cunt.

Jun 6: God hides in plain sight. A bit like the Transformers.

Jun 7: I never really know how someone is going to react to me.

Jun 8: We are more insightful than we realise. Too often we just ignore our insights.

Jun 9: Truth creates a space for more to happen than hard work alone.

Jun 10: You can't avoid what you know about yourself. But what you know about yourself isn't always conscious.

Jun 11: We put up with, and can tolerate a lot more shit in our lives than we realise. Easier than using some bleach and a brush.

Jun 12: Does living virtuously make you incredibly interesting or incredibly boring?

Jun 13: I often wonder what has more effect: the teacher's lesson in the classroom, or the teacher's lesson outside the classroom.

Jun 14: Learning happens anywhere and everywhere not just in school.

Jun 15: Does school teach obedience or creativity?

Jun 16: Breathe deeply and enjoy it-you never know what's going to happen tomorrow.

Jun 17: It's the direction that you're looking that affects what you do now so consider what happens if you're always looking back.

Jun 18: The world moves fast: no past, no future, just present.

Jun 19: People know you only from what you show about yourself.

Jun 20: Being concerned about what other people think of you is different from being aware of what others think of you.

Jun 21: Being self-aware allows more freedom to choose.

Jun 22: Put less in and shrink. Put more in and grow. True on so many levels.

Jun 23: Simple pleasures make daily happiness easy.

Jun 24: There's stuff to make us smile anywhere and everywhere.

Jun 25: Intention is the difference between an innocent question and prejudice.

Jun 26: Getting clear about my intentions gets me in touch with what's really going on...even if it's not very nice.

Jun 27: Not wanting to do something you said you would do is human. Actually doing it - despite that - is something greater.

Jun 28: Anything can become truth. It just needs enough people to agree on it.

Jun 29: If you have good news, give it greater life by sharing it.

Jun 30: Keep your truth alive by being consistent with what you think, say and do.

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*blah blah blah quote the source

JDS Insights: May 2010

2010-06-14T19:35:00.000+01:00

So I've decided to add some commentary before the insights. They sum up what's been running through my head this month and help me make sense of what's going on.

May was all about the General Election* first: hence all the posts about standing for something and politics. After that, a few things happened that got me riled. It might have been politics, it might have been stuff at school, it might have been myself - I can't quite remember which.

Then as the month went on, I've been thinking a lot about my future - my job, what I want from my life, family all that stuff. I think it's because I have a nephew - and I'm kinda jealous of my brother-in-law. I can't wait to be a dad - and doing things 'properly' has always been my M.O.**

Towards the end of the month - well - I'm always struck by how something simple like a shower breaking down or having a wasps nest can make me think about uncovering aspects of myself and my life.

Shame about the weather's inconsistency though.

Take from these insights what you will.***

-------------

May 1: Right and wrong: interesting constructs dependent on my viewpoint.

May 2: What I say is right or wrong is a declaration of what I stand for.

May 3: Emptiness: not taking a stand.

May 4: Spineless: taking a stand for something and telling no-one.

May 5: Spiritless: taking a stand for something and constantly changing it.

May 6: Painless: taking someone else's stand.

May 7: Limitless: taking a stand for nothing.

May 8: Politicians lie.

May 9: How can I solve a problem created by thinking in one way, by thinking in the same way?

May 10: Explaining a paradigm shift is easier than causing one deliberately.

May 11: Does leading by example make someone initially appear insane?

May 12: Changing things within a closed system is a challenge. It needs anomalous actions.

May 13: Satire is the best defence against our soundbite, media-driven culture.

May 14: Anger is a fuel. Use it wisely.

May 15: Find your way of expressing anger without hurting yourself or others.

May 16: Understanding the reason you got angry allows you to tame your Devil.

May 17: Unexpressed anger has to go somewhere. Where it goes is your choice-either conscious or unconscious.

May 18: Humans are fallible. But we are also aspirational.

May 19: All thoughts have an effect on the universe.

May 20: Pain is unavoidable. How you react to it is your choice.

May 21: We are prone to acts of incredible nastiness. And also kindness.

May 22: After holding a baby I find it hard to believe that we are 'born bad'.

May 23: We are born to choose. And live with the effects of our choices.

May 24: Stuff happens because it was meant to. It's up to me where I fit in.

May 25: Nothing happens for no reason. It just depends on the extent to which you realise you are responsible.

May 26: Believing in coincidence and luck is a great way to absolve oneself of responsibility.

May 27: You can't mess with natural laws only deal with your consequences.

May 28: It is in our nature to forget our true nature. And then we're forced to make it up as we go along.

May 29: Our living space is just a reflection of our self.

May 30: Shining a light into the darkest corner of my living space is like shining a light into the darkest corners of my mind.

May 31: If I say what I want out of life, the first thing that shows up around me is all the shit that is NOT that.

---------------
*Has that faded from our memory already to be replaced by the World Cup?
** Extra marks if someone works out what this stands for. Can't remember where I read it, but I thought it was wonderfully-business-pretentiously-cool.
*** If you like some of these words and you quote me - make sure you state the fucking source. Thank you.

Pandemics, Paedophilia and the Papacy

2010-05-16T21:20:00.001+01:00

Aspirational and Fallible

Humans are fallible. But we are also aspirational.

We are prone to acts of incredible nastiness. And also kindness.

But I think the Pope is taking the fucking piss.

I was brought up Catholic (as I have quite frequently referred to on this blog). It can be difficult for me to separate the religion from the culture.

I remember learning about the concepts of heaven and hell, original sin, saying the rosary in school, hearing the nativity story. I was an altar boy. I had my first confession, communion and confirmation.

I am a soldier of Christ. I received the full indoctrination.

It's true you know!

But some of the stuff coming out of the Vatican is complete fucking bollocks - first up - the AIDS pandemic (it's not an epidemic).

I remember hearing and seeing a programme on TV about the official Vatican line being that condoms do not prevent AIDS.* I could barely believe what I was hearing. The pope still says that condoms could make the problem worse in Africa. He preaches abstinence and fidelity in circumstances where this is practically impossible.

Two-thirds of the global total number of people infected with HIV are in Africa.

The Pope is out of touch with reality.

Second, apart from this shit-pile, there's the stuff about paedophilia.

The 11th Commandment...

I don't think that anyone can disagree about how horrific the idea of a paedophile actually is. To most of us, we think of these people as needing a lot of help at the very least. Others feel they should be tortured and killed.

Whatever the opinion, the idea that paedophilia is - in effect - institutionalised by the Catholic Church...oh that's a whole other level of behaving like a total cunt.**

The Pope is accountable for a whole institution. He's a spiritual leader. He's a Catholic's direct line to God. His word is law (he abolished Limbo!)

He fucking knew what was going on. He was a priest. He knows what priests have to deal with. He understands what it's like to be a man.

But why isn't he being held accountable for the actions of his institution? What would happen to a Headteacher if one of the staff at their school was found to be committing paedophilia? Would it be ignored.

No of course it fucking wouldn't. All Hell would break loose.

And the best the Pope can offer is an apology?

Let's see...there have been child abuse scandals in: Germany, Switzerland, Netherlands, Austria, Ireland the U.S. and here. And that's only the ones we hear about. Brazilian Catholic author Paulo Coelho called for priests to be allowed to marry and for a civil law case to be pursued.

Richard Dawkins' idea of putting the Pope on trial and the leaked memo from a British civil servant are just media flak designed to distract and divert.

The fact is, the Pope is the head of an outdated institution that is completely missing the point of life in the 21st century. If the Catholic Church is to remain relevant it needs to listen and update itself rather than get stuck on religious dogma.

That's fair enough then...but related to this is what has really incensed me.

And that's the reaction of people in my cultural community.

I received, on three separate occasions, a request to sign an online petition to get the Pope to come to this country. This was created in response to another petition by the British Secular Society opposing a Papal visit.

Holy fuck don't these people think? Is their devotion to the Catholic faith that blind? Even more than their ability to use email properly? Instead of considering the opinion of who would be receiving the email, they just select everyone in their address book and hit the forward button...assuming everyone would be grateful to receive such bullshit in their inbox...allowing themselves to feel a semblance of participation in something they feel can give them and their narrow-minded friends the appearance of sounding intelligent.

Shut Your Fucking Mouth And Use Your Fucking Brain.***

At the end of it all I'm still left with the thought that humans are fallible.

But we are also aspirational.

--------------------------

*I'm assuming that the AIDS virus actually exists for the purposes of this post

** On a side note - how come a word for female genitalia is regarded as the most offensive in the English language?

*** This is actually the title of a song by the Wildhearts

Big up Urban75 for the pics