Ha ha ha!!

Honey! I missed my flight!

2012-11-24T20:05:00.000-08:00

Don't seek, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand - relax. If you relax, it comes. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, you start vibrating with it. - Osho

I don't know why I read this quote the day before my departure. It had a tremendous impact and I do not know whether that impact was required or not. But after I read this, I started relaxing consciously. The problem was, I relaxed too much and the world was not ready for it!
The flight was scheduled to leave at 06.40 AM. The boarding point was San Jose. And the destination being Bangalore, I had my connecting flights at Los Angeles(same day 11.30AM) and Hong Kong (sometime after I reached Hong Kong... Don't ask me when.. Because I don't know!). I had kept the alarm at 3.30 AM and after fighting with her to keep quiet by repeatedly pressing the snooze button, I finally gave up and got out of my bed half heartedly at 4.00 AM. Some things in life don't change by force and it is better if we start accepting things the way it is! A comforting cliche which my mind said to itself.
The previous day I had booked for the cab to pick me up at 5.00 AM. I relaxedly packed my stuff and finished it by 5.00 AM. At this juncture, my stupid mind stopped living in the present and started to move on to the future. And since fear and confusion is what one ends up when one thinks about the future, I also ended up on the same. Following were the exact thought processes which forked:

Hmmm.. What will I do after reaching airport?
This is going to be a long journey. What will I do in the aeroplane?
Will the flight consist of beautiful air hostesses?
What will I do in the transit terminal?
What will happen if my laptop battery drains out in the middle?

and so on...

By this time 15 minutes elapsed. She(alarm clock) started laughing at me. Still I was reluctant to close my laptop. After a lot of power struggle and a call from the front desk about the cab waiting, I forcibly left the room.

It was 5.30 AM. The airport was just 5 minutes drive from my place. I asked the cab driver whether was it too late. He asked what time the flight was and comforted me by saying that there were few people who started only 15 minutes before flight departure. Ah! What a beautiful soul. God bless him!

I reached the airport by 5.45 AM. Hmmm.. Still had time. I relaxed. I walked relaxedly. And moved towads the self check in machine. Now, I've to tell that this self check in machine must be one of the wonderful creations of mankind. With a beautiful 10 feet user interface, she was adorable. But what is the use?! As usual, like other devices which fail to help me in my life, she couldn't identify who I was and blamed my passport for the same. Hmmm.. When people can't accomplish some task, it is very easy to put the blame on somebody! The guy who programmed her must have thought that he was clever and superior. Stuffing a male thought process inside a female soul just disrupts the eco system.

I pitied the self check in machine and relaxedly moved on to the much more reliable and humane check in queue. The time was 6.10 AM and I wasn't aware.

When my turn came the officer greeted me and started looking at my itinerary. Slowly his face turned sour and he advised me to run towards the security clearance. My initial instinct was to run. After three quick steps of jumping, I immediately stopped as my mind started to tell 'Relax'. It was a mental struggle. When standing in the line for security clearance, my habitual instinct started showing its tantrum. When the queue started moving, I went on bumping with the guy in the front. After two times, he understood (might've got irritated) and generously offered to go ahead of him. Realizing my subconscious mischiefness, I smilingly rejected his offer and kept telling relax to myself. He got puzzled and forced me to go ahead of him and said even one minute saved might help. Awed at his optimism, I agreed to go ahead.

Although I was rushing ahead one part of the mind kept on ringing the 'Relax' bell. As I reached the boarding gate, the officer smiled and welcomed. When I came close to him, he politely rejected my boarding pass and showed the 'closed' sign on the flight information tv. All enthusiasm shattered! And to add oil to the fire, the stupid mind didn't stop ringing the 'relax' bell!

Helpless and cornered, I asked him when is the next flight to Los Angeles and informed him about my international connectivity. He said the next flight was at 9.00 AM and will reach Los Angeles by 10.30 AM. So I still could make it and was positively informing my calculations to him. He welcomed my enthusiasm and but asked me not to count too much on it as that flight was fully booked! He still insisted me to talk to the higher lady officer to see what can be done.

Now this lady was a very good looking american middle aged woman. She was crisp and stern. More like a strict class teacher. As I approached her with a puppy face, she recognized me immediately as the guy who missed the flight.

'Mr. Srinivasan (My last name) I know you missed the flight and from the records I see that you've an international connectivity. But the next flight is fully booked and I don't know what is going to happen to you.'
Hmmm.. Add chilli powder to the wound. Very good!!

As the hour hand and minute hand made a 90 degree angle, I approached the lady once more as I saw many people boarding the 9.00 AM flight.
'I'm sorry Mr. Srinivasan. The flight is full and you cannot be accomodated. You've to wait till the next flight which is at 2.00 PM' she replied.
'Hey.. I've a flight at 11.30AM. If I board this flight, I'll be able to reach it on time. There must be something which can be done' I pleaded back.
'I understand but there is nothing which I can do. The flight is full and all have boarded.' she replied.
'Yes.. Maybe you just allow me to board.. I'll just sneak in the rest room and go.. What say?!' I responded giving my final conclusion.
She smiled and said 'No!!'
I had no other option but to just sit and relax! There was one more person of my cadre who had missed the flight and was pleading for the next one. As I saw him, he gave me a stern face and turned it the other side. Looked like I gave him tough competition! After sometime I wandered inside the airport and whiled away the time drinking coffee and a mexican burrito. At 2 PM, the airline finally agreed to pack me to Los Angeles but insisted to contact the connecting carrier for further travel.

The airline folks at Los Angeles had closed and had vacated the place. No traces of them! Again I just had to wait for the boarding of their next flight. I looked more like a patient hunter hiding behind the bush and waiting for the prey to come out.
After few hours, the prey came out finally. I quickly jumped towards them with a bright face and silently gave my boarding pass. The guy who attended me was very naive.
"Bliss in disguise" I thought.
He started searching for my name in the next flight to Hong Kong. After getting confused and wondering why his computer was not working properly and scratching his head, he finally figured out that I had missed the flight! He slowly started to explain the same to me. It was kinda funny! When you know the truth and you keep quiet and let people figure it out and make them explain it to you.. It is a sadistic pleasure which I had inherited from my maths teachers!

I said "Yes. And I need a place in the next flight." He got alarmed and asked me to wait and ran inside to meet the higher authority. Poor guy!

At this point there was another chinese lady standing next to me. She must be of my mom's age. Happy and living that moment. I asked why she was standing.
"I'm troubled. I'm waiting for getting a place in the next flight." she said with a confused face.
At one point I felt really happy and comforting to see that the world does have many people like me. But this joy was short lived. She said the flight which she was supposed to travel, got cancelled. So she had come for getting boarding pass for the next flight. I laughed and said.. "You know what. I'm also waiting to get a place in the next flight. Just that in my case I missed the flight.Now tell me... Who is in troubled position?!"
She was taken aback now.
"Boy! You are in trouble. And if you were my son, you would be in a bigger trouble...!"

The officer came and gave me two offers:
1) Wait in Los Angeles for another day and then take the flight to Hong Kong and board the flight to bangalore from there immediately after 3 hrs
2) Board the next flight to Hong Kong but wait there for 18hrs and board the flight to bangalore.

Hmmm.. Now these two options sounded more like the following to me:
1) Tour Los Angeles for a day and go back to India
2) Tour Hong Kong for a day and go back to India!

My immediate calculations were as follows:
I had been in the US for 6 to 7 months. Although I've never toured Los Angeles, I know how it will be. Nothing new. All artificial stuff. Hong Kong on the other hand is a place which I've not yet explored. A place where you don't understand what people speak and not many will understand what you want to know. Must be adventurous.

With this, I went for the second option and the officer confirmed the same.

Ah! Back to comfort zone.. Now to put anxious people to rest. I first mailed my dad and mom telling that the flight got delayed. This will first ease the tension! Because I remembered a similar incident. Once I had slept and missed a early morning train to chennai during diwali. That was a shatabdi (a superfast luxury train in India) and that was supposed to be my first journey in that train. When I realized that the train had left, I called and informed my dad. Immediate instinct - An outpour of all my careless mistakes from the past! And the news had spread like wildfire to all my relatives there! The entire diwali was spent with all my relatives inquiring on how could I miss the train!!
After some time relaxing in the airport, I called my dad.
"Hello Dad. I'm going to tell a news. Nothing to panic. I just missed my flight. But things are totally under control.. Don't worry. My arrival will be delayed." I answered without any pause.
Sometimes people get bored of advising and give up accepting that some things doesn't change. Probably he must've realized these with my earlier bus and train misses. He was really cool and just asked me to keep him informed if possible. Phew! Now I didn't have to worry about my mom's panic. That is the beauty of a couple!
After trying American vegan Pasta, Japanese vegetarian rice rolls, food from thai cuisine, three scoops of Haagen Daz ice cream, lots and lots of coffee and spending time with the coffee shop girl, I boarded the flight to Hong Kong.

After I reached Hong Kong, I got the visa from immigration (Thanks to the liberal tourist visa rule for Indian citizens) and sat in a chair in the airport and relaxed for a while. And then started googling places to visit in Hong Kong in a day. Looks like there were many like me. While I wanted to try airbnb.com to get a place to stay for a night, somebody said it is better to stay at the airport and have a shower in the premium lounges as Hong Kong airport is voted as one of the best airports. Cost effective and sounded good! After 4 cups of coffee, an ice cream and some potato chips (Thanks to 7Eleven shop) the sun woke up from its sleep and asked me to leave the airport. I had a shower bath at the airport premium lounge and bid goodbye to the airport. An ardent admirer of Buddha's works, visiting the Buddhist monasteries in Lantau Island was the first in my list.

To go to this place you've to first board a bus (buses E11, E21, E22) from airport to a place called Tung Chung. And from there take a cable car to the hill top which is called Ngong Ping.
I came out and wanted to board the bus to Tung Chung. Now the problem with reading chinese names in English is the pronunciation.

If you see the name 'Tung Chung' you can pronounce it in four different ways:
1. Tung Chung [ tʊng chʊng ]
2. Tung Chang [ tʊng chʌng ]
3. Tang Chung [ tʌng chʊng ]
4. Tang Chang [ tʌng chʌng ]

If you're an american you can find zillion ways to pronounce! I'm an Indian and could figure out only four ways now.

While enquiring people standing there, I pronounced it like the one in 4. And no one recognized. Many got scared and started showing faces creating more pandemonium. The 'relax' bell in my mind started to ring back again now! After reading some of the sign boards I first boarded the bus E21. As I entered the bus I asked the driver whether that bus goes to Tung Chung. He started replying in Chinese. I started asking him again in english. And this repeated for 3-4 times. Finally he got irritated and asked me to get out and take the next bus!

I roamed in the bus stand for the next five minutes. Whoever I approached, tried to escape me! The next bus E11 came. I blindly boarded the bus, quickly dropped the change in the ticketing machine and quietly sat inside. No one asked! I was feeling blissful. It is like the feeling you get when you do some mischief and nobody finds it out!

Although I boarded a small fear did exist in one of the dark corners of my mind. A young chinese woman suddenly came and sat in front seat facing me.
"Do you know english?" I asked her.
"Leeetttle" she responded and smiled shyly.
"Do you know which stop Tang Chang is?" I queried again.
"I... I... I.. new this place.. I last stop... I.. I..." she struggled.
"Dooo youu know Tang Chang.. Tannnnggg Changgggg... Tangggg Chaanggg..." The neurotic anxiety disorder inside me tried its level best to make her understand.
She felt awkward. The 'relax' bell started ringing again inside me. Sensing her awkwardness, I comforted and thanked her and started looking around the bus. There was a digital sign board which indicated the next stop which the bus was approaching! My mouth was full of teeth!!
As the stop approached, I quickly went near the driver and said.. "Tang chang. Stop"
He corrected me as "Tung Chang![ tʊng chʌng ]"
Now everything fell in place. Why all the people I enquired were showing faces to me!

After having a quick veggie delite in the subway, I boarded the cable car to Ngong Ping. With glass bottom cable cars, the ride was beautiful and thrilling. I was accompanied by an elderly couple and their two young daughters. They were having a very good time. Since I was alone, they comforted me by offering to take a snap of me. In return, I took the elderly couple. The daughters didn't allow me to take a pic of them!

"You stay here? From china?" I asked.
"No. Korea." They replied.
"Oh.. I'm sorry! I'm really sorry!" acknowledging my ignorance. No offence intended.. But for me, finding difference between chinese, korean and japanese is like a guy stupidly trying to figure out what a women wants!
"Which Korea? North or South?" I queried again.
"Ah.. Aa..." They didn't know what to tell. They discussed amongst themselves. The problem was they didn't know what is North and South in english.
"Ok.. Are you from Gangnam style korea or No Gangnam style Korea?" I asked.
The girls got happier and responded "Yes.. Gangnam style korea" and delightfully gave a small dance step from that.
"South Korea then!" I acknowledged.

After the cable car reached the destination, the korean folks bid goodbye. The place was spectacularly serene. It looked as if I was walking in the sets of chinese kung fu movies.

Two places I wanted to see here are the Tian Tan Big Buddha and Po Lin Monastery. The Tian Tan Big Buddha in agreement with its name was really big! And when you see something big and bold, you end up only in excitement. Like a excited dog with tongue protruding outside, I was climbing towards the statue with full josh as if I was going to become the next buddha. I was getting ready for enlightenment!

As I started going near, the excitement started fading away.. And then now what?! Nothing.. Back to normalcy! :-) But I've to tell that the temple had some of the old wooden slates of chinese buddhist preachings. Although I couldn't make anything out of it, I admired it as a beautiful piece of art.

After that I walked outside to move towards Po Lin Monastery. But there was this sign board which said 'Wisdom Path. Tea Garden Restaurant. Fun walk!' Wisdom! Tea! Fun!

The excited dog inside me came out again! As usual I fell for it and took that direction.

After few steps, I entered the Tea Garden Restaurant. Although the name had 'restaurant', it had nothing to do with a commercial eating place. The place was a thatched hut with notice board and menu made up of whatever you could get for free. A chinese lady who was doing something in the tea garden nearby, came running towards me and started speaking in chinese! Now this is fun!

"Hi.. I need some tea?" I replied
"你想要什麼？" she responded.
"I need some tea?" I replied.
"你想要什麼？" she responded.
"Tea.. Tea.. Teeeeee" I replied with action of drinking tea.
She went inside and showed me a menu of Coke, Diet Coke, Pepsi and all other sodas you could think of!!
Hmmm.. I must have looked like a spoilt brat to her. I signalled her to come outside and took her to the board where a menu of tea were available. She finally understood what I want and went inside giving me a big smile!
After few minutes she came back with a tray containing a chinese cup and two kettles.

"這是中國的茉莉花茶。這是非常好的健康和你啜飲慢慢地放鬆，享受同樣的..." she started again!
The joy of happily shaking your head with a big smile when you understood nothing... Reminded me of my school days!
She kept the tray and waited for me to drink. For few seconds I stared at the tea cup. Although I didn't know which one to pour and how to drink that, I was reluctant to open my mouth as I clearly knew it will end up nowhere. I stared at the tea tray with an analyzing face similar to the one Inspector Jacques Clouseau gives in Pink Panther. Identifying my ignorance, she demonstrated the procedure to make tea and left the place. The next 10-15 mins was tea ritual. Breathing fresh air, drinking the tea sip by sip and enjoying the serene forest surrounding!
Once the tea got over I called her to give money.
"它將花費你25港元的..." she replied.
I gave her my purse and asked her to take the money herself. After that I signalled that the tea was excellent and bid her goodbye and left the place.
And then I walked and hiked and walked and hiked and finally got lost in the forest.

But I was actually not lost. Getting lost was like a momentary feeling. When you don't have anyone by your side and you don't know where you are going. But that didn't last long. As the walking kept continuing, I could see one or two people waving 'Hi' and returning back. So the getting lost part was just a state of mind. The fun part of this hiking is that you get to observe all the funny things of the mind. One more thing to observe about the hiking trail was that it was sloping. Either side of the trail had steep slopes. And one couldn't see what was there 10 feet behind and what we could encounter 10 feet ahead. The place was filled with dense fog. A path which had neither signs of where it led nor a clear return journey. After 2-3 hrs of mind gruelling hike I reached the top of a peak. Yes. The gruelling part was more of the mind. The atmosphere was too good for the body to get gruelled. Many times I stopped in between wondering why I'm climbing and was the climb worth?! But something prevented in returning back. May be my ego! I do not know and don't want to! Even if it is ego, let it be! At the top there was a sign board which said that the location as Lantau Peak.

I never knew that I was climbing Lantau Peak. In fact I never knew what Lantau Peak was. As I reached the peak, this time there was no traces of "Now what?" feeling. No excitement. A feeling of contentment which never subsided. And there was no feeling of a great accomplishment. Somebody had already created the trail and you just walked. Few others also reached the peak after 1-2 minutes. And one thing which everybody felt in unison is the sense of contentment. Happiness!

There was a small cave in the top. It had the following signboard.

Since the location was a peak, it sounded more than what it literally meant!

After relaxing there for about half an hour sitting in the edge of a cliff, I departed back. Coming down was easier as usual. As I was approaching the end, I met a beautiful couple.
"Where are we? How far is it?!" they asked.
They were lovely! I smiled and said "Please don't stop. Keep continuing. It is definitely worth!"
"Please tell us how far is the peak?! Is it too far?!" they asked again.
I smiled again at them. I know it was far but how can I tell that.
"Come on. Just tell us where we are?!"
"Ok. Then you are so close.." I tried bluffing and gave a very big smile.
"You are lying!! Pleeasse tell the truth!!" the guy asked again.
"Ok. It is bit far. But don't stop. You've come this far. Just keep going. It is definitely worth. If you are going to turn back, then you are going to definitely miss something phenomenal" I replied and left them. Yeah! I can hear you. I sounded a bit too much. But that is ok! Who cares! :-)

Although the mind was fresh and energetic, it is still a subtle part of the body! ahem...

If there is no strength in the body and mind, the Atman cannot be realised. First you have to build the body by good nutritious food -- then only will the mind be strong. The mind is but the subtle part of the body. You must retain great strength in your mind and words.
- Swami Vivekananda!

I love this guy! What else next?! Food!! When you are hungry, all one can think of is food! I quickly walked towards Po Lin Monastery. Not to see the buddhist temple but I knew there was one excellent vegetarian restaurant there! :D
After quick namesake visits inside the monastery, I found out the vegetarian restaurant. I quickly first ordered a vegetarian combo. It was the costliest in the menu so I expected something equivalent to the Maharaja Thali in India. But what came was a small plate with three different types a tofu curry!

A pop corn for an elephant's appetite! (யானை பசிக்கு சோளப்பொறி!) I went back to that restaurant multiple times and ordered few other food too! After the stomach started relaxing, I slowly started towards 'The Peak' which was next in my list.
I was never interested in going there. I know it will be nowhere near to the place I just visited. But since I had decided and one part of my mind begged me not to have prejudice about anything without trying, I reluctantly started going to 'The Peak'.
'The Peak' - Nothing new... It is a place for photographers! You get to see the entire hongkong from a bird's eye view. And you get a ride in a century old tram to the top. That was probably worth! But it still looked mad when I had to wait for more than an hour in the queue to board the tram. People are no different in any parts of the world when it comes to standing in queue. Pushing and trying to enter the tram first to get a seat although the journey would last just two minutes! Sigh! The top had some of the greatest malls and shopping center. Any boy who had brought his girlfriend would've ended up returning as a pauper. Since I was alone globetrotting, I was lucky! :-)
My return flight was scheduled at 10.40 PM that night. But I was standing at 'The Peak' and the time was 7.00 PM. The total distance from 'The Peak' to the airport comes to roughly around 48 kms. Realizing this I started to return back. The panic signally beast inside me slowly started to rise waiting for this opportunity all this time. Giving him a pat on his back, I moved towards the airport. The initial plan was to board the much cheaper ordinary train and go to the station next to airport and take a bus from there to the airport. Although I appeared calm, the panic signalling beast forced me to board the superfast airport express train not allowing me to take any risks. The airport express rushes straight into the airport but comes at its own cost. It has lesser stops and travels at high speed.

I reached the airport at around 8.15 PM. The flight departure time was 10.40 PM and boarding time was at 10.10 PM. Ah.. No one can now stop me from boarding the flight to Bangalore. I slowly reached the boarding gate region, took a seat nearby and the time was 9.00 PM. As I was composing this post which you are reading, around 9.50 PM my mind slowly gave an idea.
"The time is now 9.50. Why don't you take a quick power nap for twenty minutes and board the flight? Now that you are just 20 steps away from boarding the flight, no one can stop you now. Set the alarm clock and take rest buddy!" said my mind. Sounds good! Yeah.. The hiking and walking and especially the heavy eating had made my body very tired and dizzy! More than that, when the mind says everything will sound good. I set the alarm for twenty minutes and I dozed.

Now the problem with present day alarm clock is 'The Snooze!'

If you snooze, you lose! - Chinese movie

That too the alarm clocks which come from your super smart app store in your smart phone.. Stupidly intelligent! It auto snoozes!

And I dozed and dozed and dozed. After some time, something was slowly crying in my pant pockets. The alarm clock lost energy trying to wake me up. When my eyes opened, to my surprise no one was there. The boarding region was empty with all the crowd gone. I took my mobile to switch off the alarm and guess what the time was?! 10:40 PM!!

Not knowing what to do, I moved towars the gate having little hopes of boarding. The problem with entire humanity are the rules! Although sometimes rules help, most of the time they fail and prevent people from thinking. And this is how people who are idle sneak through!

"Life, by contrast with inert matter, is usually regarded as essentially busy, active, and dynamic. But maybe life is not different from inert matter. Perhaps life, just like inert matter, does the minimum - and we would gain a deeper understanding of life if we saw it not as trying to busy itself, but seeking to be idle. Perhaps human life, human society, technology, ethics, law, and religion have all arisen as an attempt to minimize effort. If so, the imperative of all life, and of human life, would not be 'Keep Busy' and 'Do Something', but 'Keep Still' and 'Do Nothing'. This is the speculation of Idle Theory.
http://www.idlex.freeserve.co.uk/"

The airlines have a very good rule! Never carry the baggage if the passenger has not boarded!! But my baggages were already boarded. Now they've to take it out, which is again a pain. The airline folks were very well aware of this. The ticketing lady hitting her head hard, hurriedly let me in and ran along with me just to ensure that I ran and didn't walk! Yes. Literally she was just doing that. Pushing me from behind to run. And that is how I sneaked in!

As I entered the flight and walked towards my seat along the aisle, everybody were staring at me. And the person who sat next to me (and who eventually became my friend) to my surprise said my name. Looks like my name was announced many times! Now the stare which all the folks gave to me when I entered.. sounded more like "Ah.. So this is that lazy latecomer!"

I reached bangalore safely after having a very good talk with my friend. Although this is the end of the story, I still wonder now..
"Why didn't I miss the flight from Hongkong to Bangalore?!"

The bleh family - Mom likes Facebook

2012-07-29T01:38:00.000-07:00

Guy

February 31 at 24.01am near Bangalore, IN

Whatever you post on Facebook, your Mom will always LIKE it!

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There you go again!
February 31 at 24.02am
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Stop it ma...
February 31 at 24.03am
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If you don't stop it, then I'm going to stop talking to you..
February 31 at 24.04am
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Honey.. And that holds good to you too..
February 31 at 24.05am
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Oh yeah.. I see.. Acting smarhrt huh? Both wanna play huh? :x
February 31 at 24.06am
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smarhrt -> Smart spelling is wrong.
February 31 at 24.07am
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VERY SMART. Now cut it I say...
February 31 at 24.08am
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Hell yeah! I won finally!
February 31 at 24.09am
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Wow! I see an excellent MCP here!
February 31 at 24.10am
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Thank you dear for the compliment. Btw what is MCP?
February 31 at 24.11am
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Male Chauvinist Pig
February 31 at 24.12am
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I'M NOT A PIG.. And mom.. Will you stop liking everything.. People are talking here.. And she is calling me a Pig.. That is not something you should like. Unlike it..
February 31 at 24.13am
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How to unlike??????????
February 31 at 24.14am
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LOL! Mom.. I'm thoroughly enjoying this here..
February 31 at 24.15am
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Yes.. Me too.. Look at him behaving like a child!!!
February 31 at 24.16am
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You know what.. It is unfair to corner me like this.. And hence I won here..
February 31 at 24.17am
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Yes.. You won dear! LOL! :D
February 31 at 24.18am
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Yes son.. You won! LOL! :D
February 31 at 24.19am
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AND THERE IS NOTHING TO LOL ABOUT THAT...
February 31 at 24.20am
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LOL... I had a wonderful time.. Thank you Mom!
February 31 at 24.21am
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Yes dear.. Me too.. You are the best daughter in law one can have.. Love you!
February 31 at 24.22am
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Oof.. Emotions.. Sigh.. I'm crying..
February 31 at 24.23am
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Amusements of a Bachelor

2010-03-05T23:22:00.000-08:00

It was sunday. Finally woke up at 11 A. M. because of hunger!

No one at house. Parents had gone to some remote village for some car festival.

Went inside kitchen. Nothing inside the snack box. Opened the fridge to find some dosa dough. Nah! Too lazy to prepare. My overpowering desire to drink coffee forced me to go out and fetch some milk in spite of my laziness.

Apparently, the girl downstairs had just kept some milk for her cat and went inside.

Hmm.. More than enough for a cup of coffee!

"Here.. Kitty Kitty.."

I tried to lift the cat (which was busy drinking) and filch the milk. It started growling and arched its back. Before I could get hold of the milk..

"Scratch!"

"Oww.. My face!"

The cat wrote its signature on my face. The girl came outside panicking.

Girl: "Wh.. What.?.. What happened"

Me: "Your stupid cat scratched my face."

Girl: "Oh. I'm sorry. He usually does when someone tries to take his things. Dunno why he did it now?"

Me: "Its ok. No problem. You carry on."

She went inside. The cat was glaring at me with its back kept arched ready for a fight with me. I quietly went out opening the gate. Called the street dogs inside (Kinda pals.. you see!). After a fierce battle with the dogs, the cat fled the scene. Happy teaching the cat a lesson, I took the milk and came upstairs.

Little did I know that there was no coffee powder left in my house.

"Knock. Knock"

Girl: "Yes"

Me: "Er. Sorry to disturb. Can I have some black coffee?!"

SLLURPPP! AAHHH!

The enjoyment of drinking stolen coffee.. You'll never get it anywhere. Wen't outside just to see that the cat was standing on the compound wall heavily bruised. It was shivering with fear.

Me: "Hey fella! This is what you get if you mess with me."

The cat ran off.

Came back inside to find that my laptop had been kept on full night. Nearby laid two unwashed coffee tumblers (probably two days old). I added the current tumbler above it. I yawned and scratched my head as I started checking my mails sleepily.

"Knock. Knock"

I opened the door lazily to find the downstairs girl holding her cat.

Girl: "Hi. Sorry for the disturbance. But some street dog(s) attacked kitty and stole its milk. Do you have some please?"

Me: "Just now finished its milk.. Err.. I mean the milk."

Girl: "Omg.. Even the nearby milk store is closed"

Me: (In my mind~ Thank God, I stole its milk!)

The girl left along with her cat.

Slowly my stomach started growling. Time for breakfast. Suddenly the phone rang.

Mom: "Dear. Woke up?"

Me: "Yes ma."

Mom: "Had coffee?"

Me: "Yes ma."

Mom: "I phoned just to remind you to brush your teeth. Did you forget as usual?"

Me: "Yes ma."

Mom: "Hmmm.. You've not bathed for the past two days. Any plans of doing today?"

Me: "Yes ma."

Mom: "Your stinking smell comes here. First brush your teeth and then have bath. I've kept dosa dough in the fridge. Prepare yourselves some dosa. Don't starve. Eat properly time to time. A loaf of bread is also present in the kitchen shelf. Eat it if you are lazy to prepare dosa. Start learning to cook some food. Or else you will struggle to get a girl for marriage. Nowadays girls are very smart. To get a good girl, you've to be either extremely qualified in studies or you should be knowing to cook well. I know how much you struggled to get your graduation. I won't expect more from you. So at least start learning to cook well."

Me: "Yes ma."

Mom: "What yes ma for everything?!"

Me: "Yes ma."

The phone hung up on the other side.

Quickly ran inside kitchen to get hold of the bread. After searching thoroughly, I found out the remnants of bread pieces in the cover being cleaned up by ants.

"Psst!"

Drank some ice water to ease my growling stomach. Could find some vegetables in the fridge. Chose potatoes as it was easier to cut. Dropped some chopped potatoes with some water in the steam pot. Added some chilly, salt and some pepper. Dunno what else add, I came back and opened the fridge.

"Time for creativity", I thought to myself. Got hold of Tomato Ketchup, pickles (3 to 4 varieties) from the fridge. Some potato chips, dal, masala powder, sugar, turmeric, channa and lots of other stuff. In order to cook fast I dumped everything inside the pressure cooker along with the potatoes from the steam pot and placed the pressure cooker on the burning stove.

I went back to my laptop to watch a movie. As moments passed, I dozed..

Somebody woke me up and I faintly identified him as a fireman. I could see many people outside my house. I could see firemen coming out of my kitchen. Apparently the cooker had blast and the entire street had landed in my house to see what had happened. The firemen who had entered breaking the window had already put out the fire. After giving me lot of advices, the mass slowly deserted the place.

Later I went inside the kitchen. The walls and ceilings were painted with burnt pickles and other masala stuff with potato engravings here and there. I could see some twenty missed calls in my phone. Some were from my parents.

Finally, the tragedy of all..

I could see the downstairs girl crying outside. Her cat had got heavily hurt with second degree burns. Apparently the cat had climbed to kitchen via the open window to steal (back) some milk...!

From that day onwards, I decided. Never to cook and never to steal milk from a cat!

The Battle for the Toilet - Got Sucked!!

2008-10-25T05:51:00.000-07:00

This post has been deleted because of too much of negative criticisms! If you are very much curious to know what it was send me a personal mail at bluegenetic@gmail.com.

For those who gave negative critcisms: Wait, till I get my hands on you people!! :-)

Office

2008-10-20T22:43:00.001-07:00

I happened to observe some of the idiosyncratic behaviours of people in the corporate field. Though these are considered as highly refined behaviours in the glossary of so called professional ethics, it made me laugh as usual.

There was one guy named Bob(resemblance purely coincidental! If u are Bob, you are a great person. You are superman. Happy?!). He was an employee in a private concern where i was also working. He was so sincere that he will decamp the office only after his boss leaves. Hmmm... I'm not sure whether you got it right or not? What i meant was he'll be waiting for the boss to leave!

Now... this Bob finds happiness in pretending to love his work. He'll come early to office and... yeah... he'll leave only after his boss. And of course... he'll ensure that his boss was aware of all these things. Actually... i was unaware of these things. At first sight, it appeared to me that he was an honest, sincere (...no.. not police officer!)employee. But one day, unfortunately, i happened to come early to office before my boss. And to my surprise, I saw Bob in his seat. Guess what he was doing? Ya... He was working.

You are wrong!

He was calling his friends through office phone!

I had never seen Bob using his telephone when his boss was around. He'll quietly come to my cabin, (which is by God's grace far off from the boss's cabin) make a myriad of calls and depart quietly.

And one fine morning, Boss mailed to everyone in a group mail:

----------------------------------
From: bossofbob@bobsboss.com
To: flatteringmachines@company.com
Sub: Information

Hi,

It is found that the expenditure on telephone bills is exceptionally high. And the numbers dialled are pleonastic.
As a first cut measure, all outgoing numbers will be monitored. Please take this into consideration and try to reduce unwanted calls.

Warm regards,
Boss

----------------------------------

Our company's kitchen contains a variety of fruit juices for employees. And the best part was it was for free. But the worst part is that you have to cross the boss's room to get to the kitchen. I usually don't bother in crossing him to get the juice(after all I work!!). But... for Mr.Bob, it was irksome. And I became a victim of his irksomeness. He'll directly come to me pretending as a change to reduce his work stress and drink the whole lot of juice and go away appreciating the aesthetical taste of the juice.

Bob is known for his grandiloquence. He used to blow about his accomplishments, the tasks which he had completed etc.. considering it as a great feat. But whenever he speaks with his boss, he palavers in such a way that would look like a boy writing a beautiful poem about his ugly girlfriend to woo her. (Ok.. Lovers! You people are great.) All his pompousness would evanesce away.

Mr. Bob's wife was Alice. Alice was a pretty woman with all the expectations of a typical house wife. And she never liked these sort of behaviors of Bob especially Bob coming home late at odd hours. One day she got steamed that she quietly mailed to Bob's boss.

----------------------------------
From: alice@amusingsilhouettes.com
To: bossofbob@bobsboss.com
Sub: Warning!!

Dear Boss of Bob,

It is found that my husband, Mr. Bob, working under you is not returning home at the proper time. Don't you have any other work other than giving work to my husband? Don't you have a wife or family? Are you a divorced man? Hereafter I want you to allow my husband to leave the office early. Else you would have to face severe consequences.

Yours angrily,
Alice
----------------------------------

Meanwhile in the lion's room.
Boss: "Bob... Whom do you admire more? Me or your wife?"
Bob: "Of course you Boss!!" (In your dreams baby!!)
Boss: "Hmmm... Bob... Family is more important than company. Of course company is also important. But.. You've to balance both. You see.. I don't want you to stay late in night and finish the work. You can come early say by 7 AM in the morning and leave early by say 10 PM(?!) in the night. What I want is 12 to 14 hrs of work. Then you can go home and enjoy with your family.."
Bob: "Sure Boss!"
Boss: "And tell your wife that I liked her mail.."
Bob: "Did she mail you boss??"
Boss: "Yes.. She wanted me to leave you soon. She is thinking I'm holding you in office. Am I holding you? Am I forcing you to stay late in office?"
Bob: "Definitely no boss.. I like to serve you. I like to work with you boss!"
Boss: "Hmmm... You see even I have a wife.."
Bob: "Oh.. That's great boss!!"
Boss: "But... I don't like her!"
Bob: "Yeah... Wives are a hindrance boss."
Boss: "I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.."
Bob: "Sure boss.. For me.. Company is first. Family next."
Boss: "But you must have some time for you family also."
Bob: "Boss.. This company is my first family. You are like my wife..."
Boss: ??
Bob: "I mean you are very important to me like my wife. In fact you are more important than my wife.."
Boss: "Oh.. Ok... I really like your spirit. By the way.. Can you drop my kids to school tomorrow as I need to attend the company's general meeting."
Bob: "Sure boss!"
Boss: "Also please drop my wife in the beauty parlor."
Bob: "With pleasure boss!!"

Finally after seeing all these things, unable to control myself, I directly went to Bob.
"I have one question to u Mr.Bob.... What are u?!"

Bob replied... "I'm Bob - Blandishing Office Buffoon!!"

A Note to Bob:
Dear Bob,
I'm really sorry to use your name. I know that you've been of great help along with Alice in developing the RSA Algorithm. But you see... I like you very much. And when I thought of a name for this character, immediately your name came to my mind. Am sure you would understand the situation and forgive me for the same.
Kind regards,
Bharath

Parents go to kindergarten

2008-10-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

It was day one. All children had brought their respective parents to drop them on the first day. Some affluent parents had laptops to show that they are busy in spite of strict order from the principal that laptops aren't allowed inside the school campus.

All parents agglomerated in the prayer hall. Some parents as usual came behindhand running in the corridor continuing their house jousts. The prayer started. Suddenly one father peed in his pant. The teacher (male!!) took him to the toilet.

After the prayer got over, all parents went to their respective classes. The class teacher entered. One parent was industrious with his laptop finishing his business deal. This caught the sight of the teacher. Though the parent succeeded in finishing his business deal successfully, he got nice beatings (in his bum!) with a cane for violating the school rule. A video of the same was recorded and a copy was sent to his son.

The teacher started the class.
"A for Apple..."
All parents kept mum blinking at each other. One father was busy in catapulting papers at the mothers who were sitting on the other side. And unfortunately it fell over the wife of the one sitting next to him. Out broke a dog fight! The teacher came and screwed the ears of the wrangling fathers, when each one of them blamed the other trying to protect themselves. Both were given notices of detention along with a report mentioning about their bad behavior which they have to get it signed from their respective children.

The class got over. It was playtime. The teacher asked the parents to form themselves into groups and play game of any sort they wished. One naughty father went to another mother and asked,
" Shall we play the game of Father and Mother?!"
"WHACK!!!!!!"

The games session was followed by lunch.
Father 1: "Today I cooked"
Father 2: "Everyday I cook!"

Three mothers were having lunch together...
Mother 1: "Today is my hubby's birthday"
Mother 2: "Really? My hubby's too!"
Mother 1: "Oh.. who's your hubby?"
Mother 2: "The one standing there with the blue shirt.."
Mother 1: "Really? He is my hubby too!"
Mother 3: "??!!"

One newly married couple....
Man: "Honey... You are looking beautiful!"
Woman: "Thank you.. Honey.."
Man: "But today's class teacher was gorgeous!"
Woman: "Get lost!"

Lunch session got over.
Teacher: "Parents.... Go and sleep in your respective beds.."
Parent: "Dear teacher. I usually smoke to get some sleep... Do you have a lighter?!"
Teacher: "?!"

Meanwhile that naughty parent gets one more slap by asking the lady the same question.... "Can we play the game of father and mother now?"

After an hour, everyone woke up. Classes started again.
Teacher: "A for Apple"
Parent 1: "I hate apple.. Shall we have something like... A for Anna Kournikova?!"

Teatime...
Parents: (Chorus)"We want HOT Drinks! We want Brandy! We want Whisky!"

School got over. Notices were written in the school book of all parents.

"Dear Child... Please come back... Let your parents go to office!"

Government Bus 2 (The worst part!)

2008-09-23T05:24:00.001-07:00

It was a moony night. I was travelling in a government bus from bangalore to my home town sitting in the first seat with two guys on either side of me.

The gentle breeze along with tiredness made my eyes to close its lids. After half an hour of snoozing, I was suddenly disrupted by the howling sound by a popular cine comedian in the tv.
"AAoooooooooooo...."

Damn!

I slept again.
Ten mins later... The guy sleeping on my right slowly slumped his head over me.

Damn!

I politely (... ahem!) took his head and dropped it other side and slept again.
Five mins later... The guy sleeping on my left slowly dropped his head over me.

Damn!

I politely (... ahem!... ahem!) took his head and dropped it other side and slept again. Then only I realised that I'll be missing my sleep that night. A pseudo-code of the next half an hour would look as follows:

STEP 1: "AAoooooooooooo...."
STEP 2: The guy sleeping on my right slowly drops his head over me. Put him straight.
STEP 3: The guy sleeping on my left slowly drops his head over me. Put him straight.
STEP 4: GOTO STEP 1!

Finally, the bus halted. So did my pseudo-code. The guy on the left realised that his stop had arrived and got down.
Thank God!
Little did I know that I would be facing a much more critical situation in the near future.

Now the seat got occupied by one obese guy who I guess should've filled his tummy with gallons (ok.. litres!) of alcohol. In an effort to accommodate himself in the little corner of the seat, he used his force on me which in turn fell on the guy sitting on my right. Now this was a real hit. The force made the head of the right guy resting on me slam the window bar.

Thus started my bad time.

The right guy got ruffled started shouting at the left guy. The left guy was experiencing hangover and he started shouting again. I was sitting in the middle trying to pacify both. The more I tried to mitigate, the more vehement became the fight.

Two roads diverged in my mind:
Road 1 - Call the comatose conductor(who was least bothered about the fight) for help.
Road 2 - Vacate the seat.
If it had been for Robert Frost, he would've taken the road less travelled. But I was thinking which road to take. And before I could finish thinking, the intensity of the fight reached its apogee and the right guy with his full force gave a punch on the stomach of the drunken monkey (the left guy!).

That's all..

Out came a colloidal gel of alcohol mixed with chicken biriyani, cashew nuts, mashed boiled egg, peanut masala, chips, pickle, fish fry, onion, salad, moong dhal, mashed bajji bonda from his mouth and fell on me!

(Damn !)^2

Now the drunken monkey became enraged. He shook his head twice as though thinking of himself as a bull in a bullfight. He was least bothered about puking on me. He caught the collar of the right guy and claimed him to reimburse the money for his alcohol as he was responsible for the vomiting.

"What the f***!"

And the fight started again with both of them exchanging blows and donating some to me as I sat there, fully covered with the puked alcohol, protecting myself from the blows. This combat created pandemonium among the fellow passengers (who were happily watching the fight till then...)and they shouted at the comatose conductor to halt the bus.

The drunken monkey was thrown out.

But... What about me?! It was the worst of my time. With not even a single passenger in the bus having a water bottle to clean myself, I travelled the next half an hour with the colloidal puked alcohol sticking all over my body.

Even after I had abluted myself thoroughly in the next stop, the stinking smell of the alcohol was reluctant to get out of me. And when I reached home, my mom, for the first time, refused to give me a hug. She instead showed me the way to the bathroom!

Now what do you say about these sort of incidences? I started thinking again. A series of questions sprung up:

* Why did I think of travelling?
* Why did I board that bus when there were hell a lot of buses available?
* Why did I occupy the first seat?
* Why did I occupy the middle of the first seat?
* Why didn't I vacate the place when I was first interrupted from my sleep?
* Why didn't I call the conductor?
* Why did the fight happen?
* Why did the drunken monkey puke on me?

And finally...

* Why is it always me?

My mind replied:
" Fear not Bharath... I am the creator of this fictitious story! So, only you can be the hero. That's why it is always you my dear!"

Damn!

Government Bus (One bad encounter)

2008-09-15T05:32:00.000-07:00

It was a moony night. I was travelling in a government bus from bangalore to my home town. Two girls were sitting left to me.

Two things to be noted:

1. I had encountered lot of girls in my college days. And i had never bothered about them. But now... I feel compunctious for that. Everything got changed. My college days got over. I got my posting in Bangalore. And here, I couldn't find a girl friend! Not even a single girl bothers about me (except for the office maid servant who gives me three cups of any "non-alcoholic" drink of my choice daily). I was desperate to have a cup of coffee with a girl, to schmooze with a girl and to have a girl friend by my side. I tried all possibilities to do the same, but, all proved futile.

2. After careful observation of my comportment, I found out that I had this grotesquerie habit of turning my head to the other side or downwards when a beautiful girl crosses me as though to show everyone indirectly that "Hey... I'm a good guy! I don't get bewitched towards beautiful females". I also found out that majority of the teenagers do the same when they confront the opposite sex. Little did i/they know that none was bothered about that.

Coming to the crux, I badly needed a girl to love. And I wanted to get out of this weird habit mentioned in point 2. So I was thinking of a solution. Suddenly an idea flashed.

Now these girls sitting on my left side were pretty good. I wanted to talk to them. So I turned my head towards the left and started staring (sighting!) at the girl near to me. Two things added fuel to stare at her more passionately:

The boring film screened in the bus
The thirst to spend the next four hours interestingly

After two hours of continuous gaping (includes occasional turning of head to the other side to reduce the pain caused in the neck) she caught sight of me. She smiled at me. I felt bliss.(Yeah! Ignorance is bliss)

After formal introductions, we didn't know what to speak. I remember watching a film - "School for Scoundrels" in which protagonist would say that you've to lie, lie again and again in order to woo a girl. My inner conscience started telling "LIE! Start lying!" Following was the conversation that occurred after that...

Conscience: Lie!
Me: You're beautiful...
Girl: (blinks)
Cons: Lie!
Me: Why? Are you doubtful?
Girl: No.. No.. Thanks for the commendation.
Cons: Good. Now lie again...
Me: How do I look like?
Girl: You are handsome.
Cons: Now she started lying :-)
Me: It's boring. Can we speak something?
Girl: Sure.
Me: So which dish do you like?
Girl: All sea foods... Prawn curry especially.
Cons: Sucks... Err... Sorry... Lie! Lie again...
Me: Oh great! Even I like those... The fins of prawn would be really delicious.
Girl: Prawns don't have fins.
Cons: She caught you!
Me: Oh really... I meant the other sea foods then.
Girl: Actually I'm a vegetarian.. I simply bluffed to see what you answer :-)
Cons: Man... This girl is really smart. Now.. Lie! Lie again!
Me: Ha ha ha... That was a good comedy! Appreciate your sense of humor..
Girl: So you're a vegetarian right?
Me: (Grinning) Yes.. How did you know?
Girl: It's written on your face.
Me: So you know face reading... Cool... Great!
Cons: Hey... Hey... I asked you to lie... not to flatter her.. Why are you behaving like the way you pose in front of your boss? L... I... E... The word is LIE... Can you hear that? Now... DO IT!
Girl: So... what else?
Me: What is your hobby?
Girl: I like my pets!
Me: Even i like them.. I have a German shepherd in my home.
Girl: No... I hate dogs like those. I basically like indian dogs.
Cons: (laughs at me)
Me: Hmmm... Actually I was the heart throb of all girls in my college.
Girl: Really?
Cons: Hey girl! You can't believe it right? Neither can I!
Me: Ha ha ha... I was kidding!
Girl: I know! Poor joke!
Me: ?!
(There was a brief pause)
Girl: So... Mr Heartthrob? What mood out ah?
Me: No... Not even a little. Why would i get angry with a beautiful girl like you?
Girl: So you like me?

I got stunned. Now you have two answers how I would've reacted.

ANSWER 1: (The good answer)
Me: Yes... I like you. I like the girl sitting next to you. I like the girl in front of you. I like all girls.
Cons: zzzz!!! (sleeping)
Girl: Great! But I love you...
Me: Hmmm... That was bit transparent.
Girl: It was nice of you to say that you like me. Anyways... What I said was for fun.
Me: ?!

ANSWER 2: (The bad answer)
Me: Yes... I like you. I love you.
Girl: Hmmm... I am getting engaged next week. Here's my invitation. You must come...
Me: ?!

In both cases, the girl outwitted me. Not knowing what to do, I started to write it as a story in my blog. And here you've finished reading the same.

PS1: Frankly admitting... Neither did i win in getting a girl friend nor did i change the so called weird habit. The above said story is purely out of my imagination and nothing occurred exactly the way i had mentioned. What exactly happened was, after she found out that I had been staring at her, she called her boy friend who was sitting in the front seat and I quietly escaped the scene!

PS2: (Am serious now) Dear girls... I love you all!

First Post

2008-09-09T02:13:00.000-07:00

Ha ha ha!!
Towards creating a hilarious saga.