Ha ha ha!!

Amusements of a Bachelor

2010-03-05T23:22:00.000-08:00

It was sunday. Finally woke up at 11 A. M. because of hunger!

No one at house. Parents had gone to some remote village for some car festival.

Went inside kitchen. Nothing inside the snack box. Opened the fridge to find some dosa dough. Nah! Too lazy to prepare. My overpowering desire to drink coffee forced me to go out and fetch some milk in spite of my laziness.

Apparently, the girl downstairs had just kept some milk for her cat and went inside.

Hmm.. More than enough for a cup of coffee!

"Here.. Kitty Kitty.."

I tried to lift the cat (which was busy drinking) and filch the milk. It started growling and arched its back. Before I could get hold of the milk..

"Scratch!"

"Oww.. My face!"

The cat wrote its signature on my face. The girl came outside panicking.

Girl: "Wh.. What.?.. What happened"

Me: "Your stupid cat scratched my face."

Girl: "Oh. I'm sorry. He usually does when someone tries to take his things. Dunno why he did it now?"

Me: "Its ok. No problem. You carry on."

She went inside. The cat was glaring at me with its back kept arched ready for a fight with me. I quietly went out opening the gate. Called the street dogs inside (Kinda pals.. you see!). After a fierce battle with the dogs, the cat fled the scene. Happy teaching the cat a lesson, I took the milk and came upstairs.

Little did I know that there was no coffee powder left in my house.

"Knock. Knock"

Girl: "Yes"

Me: "Er. Sorry to disturb. Can I have some black coffee?!"

SLLURPPP! AAHHH!

The enjoyment of drinking stolen coffee.. You'll never get it anywhere. Wen't outside just to see that the cat was standing on the compound wall heavily bruised. It was shivering with fear.

Me: "Hey fella! This is what you get if you mess with me."

The cat ran off.

Came back inside to find that my laptop had been kept on full night. Nearby laid two unwashed coffee tumblers (probably two days old). I added the current tumbler above it. I yawned and scratched my head as I started checking my mails sleepily.

"Knock. Knock"

I opened the door lazily to find the downstairs girl holding her cat.

Girl: "Hi. Sorry for the disturbance. But some street dog(s) attacked kitty and stole its milk. Do you have some please?"

Me: "Just now finished its milk.. Err.. I mean the milk."

Girl: "Omg.. Even the nearby milk store is closed"

Me: (In my mind~ Thank God, I stole its milk!)

The girl left along with her cat.

Slowly my stomach started growling. Time for breakfast. Suddenly the phone rang.

Mom: "Dear. Woke up?"

Me: "Yes ma."

Mom: "Had coffee?"

Me: "Yes ma."

Mom: "I phoned just to remind you to brush your teeth. Did you forget as usual?"

Me: "Yes ma."

Mom: "Hmmm.. You've not bathed for the past two days. Any plans of doing today?"

Me: "Yes ma."

Mom: "Your stinking smell comes here. First brush your teeth and then have bath. I've kept dosa dough in the fridge. Prepare yourselves some dosa. Don't starve. Eat properly time to time. A loaf of bread is also present in the kitchen shelf. Eat it if you are lazy to prepare dosa. Start learning to cook some food. Or else you will struggle to get a girl for marriage. Nowadays girls are very smart. To get a good girl, you've to be either extremely qualified in studies or you should be knowing to cook well. I know how much you struggled to get your graduation. I won't expect more from you. So at least start learning to cook well."

Me: "Yes ma."

Mom: "What yes ma for everything?!"

Me: "Yes ma."

The phone hung up on the other side.

Quickly ran inside kitchen to get hold of the bread. After searching thoroughly, I found out the remnants of bread pieces in the cover being cleaned up by ants.

"Psst!"

Drank some ice water to ease my growling stomach. Could find some vegetables in the fridge. Chose potatoes as it was easier to cut. Dropped some chopped potatoes with some water in the steam pot. Added some chilly, salt and some pepper. Dunno what else add, I came back and opened the fridge.

"Time for creativity", I thought to myself. Got hold of Tomato Ketchup, pickles (3 to 4 varieties) from the fridge. Some potato chips, dal, masala powder, sugar, turmeric, channa and lots of other stuff. In order to cook fast I dumped everything inside the pressure cooker along with the potatoes from the steam pot and placed the pressure cooker on the burning stove.

I went back to my laptop to watch a movie. As moments passed, I dozed..

Somebody woke me up and I faintly identified him as a fireman. I could see many people outside my house. I could see firemen coming out of my kitchen. Apparently the cooker had blast and the entire street had landed in my house to see what had happened. The firemen who had entered breaking the window had already put out the fire. After giving me lot of advices, the mass slowly deserted the place.

Later I went inside the kitchen. The walls and ceilings were painted with burnt pickles and other masala stuff with potato engravings here and there. I could see some twenty missed calls in my phone. Some were from my parents.

Finally, the tragedy of all..

I could see the downstairs girl crying outside. Her cat had got heavily hurt with second degree burns. Apparently the cat had climbed to kitchen via the open window to steal (back) some milk...!

From that day onwards, I decided. Never to cook and never to steal milk from a cat!

The Battle for the Toilet - Got Sucked!!

2008-10-25T05:51:00.000-07:00

This post has been deleted because of too much of negative criticisms! If you are very much curious to know what it was send me a personal mail at bluegenetic@gmail.com.

For those who gave negative critcisms: Wait, till I get my hands on you people!! :-)

Office

2008-10-20T22:43:00.001-07:00

I happened to observe some of the idiosyncratic behaviours of people in the corporate field. Though these are considered as highly refined behaviours in the glossary of so called professional ethics, it made me laugh as usual.

There was one guy named Bob(resemblance purely coincidental! If u are Bob, you are a great person. You are superman. Happy?!). He was an employee in a private concern where i was also working. He was so sincere that he will decamp the office only after his boss leaves. Hmmm... I'm not sure whether you got it right or not? What i meant was he'll be waiting for the boss to leave!

Now... this Bob finds happiness in pretending to love his work. He'll come early to office and... yeah... he'll leave only after his boss. And of course... he'll ensure that his boss was aware of all these things. Actually... i was unaware of these things. At first sight, it appeared to me that he was an honest, sincere (...no.. not police officer!)employee. But one day, unfortunately, i happened to come early to office before my boss. And to my surprise, I saw Bob in his seat. Guess what he was doing? Ya... He was working.

You are wrong!

He was calling his friends through office phone!

I had never seen Bob using his telephone when his boss was around. He'll quietly come to my cabin, (which is by God's grace far off from the boss's cabin) make a myriad of calls and depart quietly.

And one fine morning, Boss mailed to everyone in a group mail:

----------------------------------
From: bossofbob@bobsboss.com
To: flatteringmachines@company.com
Sub: Information

Hi,

It is found that the expenditure on telephone bills is exceptionally high. And the numbers dialled are pleonastic.
As a first cut measure, all outgoing numbers will be monitored. Please take this into consideration and try to reduce unwanted calls.

Warm regards,
Boss

----------------------------------

Our company's kitchen contains a variety of fruit juices for employees. And the best part was it was for free. But the worst part is that you have to cross the boss's room to get to the kitchen. I usually don't bother in crossing him to get the juice(after all I work!!). But... for Mr.Bob, it was irksome. And I became a victim of his irksomeness. He'll directly come to me pretending as a change to reduce his work stress and drink the whole lot of juice and go away appreciating the aesthetical taste of the juice.

Bob is known for his grandiloquence. He used to blow about his accomplishments, the tasks which he had completed etc.. considering it as a great feat. But whenever he speaks with his boss, he palavers in such a way that would look like a boy writing a beautiful poem about his ugly girlfriend to woo her. (Ok.. Lovers! You people are great.) All his pompousness would evanesce away.

Mr. Bob's wife was Alice. Alice was a pretty woman with all the expectations of a typical house wife. And she never liked these sort of behaviors of Bob especially Bob coming home late at odd hours. One day she got steamed that she quietly mailed to Bob's boss.

----------------------------------
From: alice@amusingsilhouettes.com
To: bossofbob@bobsboss.com
Sub: Warning!!

Dear Boss of Bob,

It is found that my husband, Mr. Bob, working under you is not returning home at the proper time. Don't you have any other work other than giving work to my husband? Don't you have a wife or family? Are you a divorced man? Hereafter I want you to allow my husband to leave the office early. Else you would have to face severe consequences.

Yours angrily,
Alice
----------------------------------

Meanwhile in the lion's room.
Boss: "Bob... Whom do you admire more? Me or your wife?"
Bob: "Of course you Boss!!" (In your dreams baby!!)
Boss: "Hmmm... Bob... Family is more important than company. Of course company is also important. But.. You've to balance both. You see.. I don't want you to stay late in night and finish the work. You can come early say by 7 AM in the morning and leave early by say 10 PM(?!) in the night. What I want is 12 to 14 hrs of work. Then you can go home and enjoy with your family.."
Bob: "Sure Boss!"
Boss: "And tell your wife that I liked her mail.."
Bob: "Did she mail you boss??"
Boss: "Yes.. She wanted me to leave you soon. She is thinking I'm holding you in office. Am I holding you? Am I forcing you to stay late in office?"
Bob: "Definitely no boss.. I like to serve you. I like to work with you boss!"
Boss: "Hmmm... You see even I have a wife.."
Bob: "Oh.. That's great boss!!"
Boss: "But... I don't like her!"
Bob: "Yeah... Wives are a hindrance boss."
Boss: "I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.."
Bob: "Sure boss.. For me.. Company is first. Family next."
Boss: "But you must have some time for you family also."
Bob: "Boss.. This company is my first family. You are like my wife..."
Boss: ??
Bob: "I mean you are very important to me like my wife. In fact you are more important than my wife.."
Boss: "Oh.. Ok... I really like your spirit. By the way.. Can you drop my kids to school tomorrow as I need to attend the company's general meeting."
Bob: "Sure boss!"
Boss: "Also please drop my wife in the beauty parlor."
Bob: "With pleasure boss!!"

Finally after seeing all these things, unable to control myself, I directly went to Bob.
"I have one question to u Mr.Bob.... What are u?!"

Bob replied... "I'm Bob - Blandishing Office Buffoon!!"

A Note to Bob:
Dear Bob,
I'm really sorry to use your name. I know that you've been of great help along with Alice in developing the RSA Algorithm. But you see... I like you very much. And when I thought of a name for this character, immediately your name came to my mind. Am sure you would understand the situation and forgive me for the same.
Kind regards,
Bharath

Parents go to kindergarten

2008-10-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

It was day one. All children had brought their respective parents to drop them on the first day. Some affluent parents had laptops to show that they are busy in spite of strict order from the principal that laptops aren't allowed inside the school campus.

All parents agglomerated in the prayer hall. Some parents as usual came behindhand running in the corridor continuing their house jousts. The prayer started. Suddenly one father peed in his pant. The teacher (male!!) took him to the toilet.

After the prayer got over, all parents went to their respective classes. The class teacher entered. One parent was industrious with his laptop finishing his business deal. This caught the sight of the teacher. Though the parent succeeded in finishing his business deal successfully, he got nice beatings (in his bum!) with a cane for violating the school rule. A video of the same was recorded and a copy was sent to his son.

The teacher started the class.
"A for Apple..."
All parents kept mum blinking at each other. One father was busy in catapulting papers at the mothers who were sitting on the other side. And unfortunately it fell over the wife of the one sitting next to him. Out broke a dog fight! The teacher came and screwed the ears of the wrangling fathers, when each one of them blamed the other trying to protect themselves. Both were given notices of detention along with a report mentioning about their bad behavior which they have to get it signed from their respective children.

The class got over. It was playtime. The teacher asked the parents to form themselves into groups and play game of any sort they wished. One naughty father went to another mother and asked,
" Shall we play the game of Father and Mother?!"
"WHACK!!!!!!"

The games session was followed by lunch.
Father 1: "Today I cooked"
Father 2: "Everyday I cook!"

Three mothers were having lunch together...
Mother 1: "Today is my hubby's birthday"
Mother 2: "Really? My hubby's too!"
Mother 1: "Oh.. who's your hubby?"
Mother 2: "The one standing there with the blue shirt.."
Mother 1: "Really? He is my hubby too!"
Mother 3: "??!!"

One newly married couple....
Man: "Honey... You are looking beautiful!"
Woman: "Thank you.. Honey.."
Man: "But today's class teacher was gorgeous!"
Woman: "Get lost!"

Lunch session got over.
Teacher: "Parents.... Go and sleep in your respective beds.."
Parent: "Dear teacher. I usually smoke to get some sleep... Do you have a lighter?!"
Teacher: "?!"

Meanwhile that naughty parent gets one more slap by asking the lady the same question.... "Can we play the game of father and mother now?"

After an hour, everyone woke up. Classes started again.
Teacher: "A for Apple"
Parent 1: "I hate apple.. Shall we have something like... A for Anna Kournikova?!"

Teatime...
Parents: (Chorus)"We want HOT Drinks! We want Brandy! We want Whisky!"

School got over. Notices were written in the school book of all parents.

"Dear Child... Please come back... Let your parents go to office!"

Government Bus 2 (The worst part!)

2008-09-23T05:24:00.001-07:00

It was a moony night. I was travelling in a government bus from bangalore to my home town sitting in the first seat with two guys on either side of me.

The gentle breeze along with tiredness made my eyes to close its lids. After half an hour of snoozing, I was suddenly disrupted by the howling sound by a popular cine comedian in the tv.
"AAoooooooooooo...."

Damn!

I slept again.
Ten mins later... The guy sleeping on my right slowly slumped his head over me.

Damn!

I politely (... ahem!) took his head and dropped it other side and slept again.
Five mins later... The guy sleeping on my left slowly dropped his head over me.

Damn!

I politely (... ahem!... ahem!) took his head and dropped it other side and slept again. Then only I realised that I'll be missing my sleep that night. A pseudo-code of the next half an hour would look as follows:

STEP 1: "AAoooooooooooo...."
STEP 2: The guy sleeping on my right slowly drops his head over me. Put him straight.
STEP 3: The guy sleeping on my left slowly drops his head over me. Put him straight.
STEP 4: GOTO STEP 1!

Finally, the bus halted. So did my pseudo-code. The guy on the left realised that his stop had arrived and got down.
Thank God!
Little did I know that I would be facing a much more critical situation in the near future.

Now the seat got occupied by one obese guy who I guess should've filled his tummy with gallons (ok.. litres!) of alcohol. In an effort to accommodate himself in the little corner of the seat, he used his force on me which in turn fell on the guy sitting on my right. Now this was a real hit. The force made the head of the right guy resting on me slam the window bar.

Thus started my bad time.

The right guy got ruffled started shouting at the left guy. The left guy was experiencing hangover and he started shouting again. I was sitting in the middle trying to pacify both. The more I tried to mitigate, the more vehement became the fight.

Two roads diverged in my mind:
Road 1 - Call the comatose conductor(who was least bothered about the fight) for help.
Road 2 - Vacate the seat.
If it had been for Robert Frost, he would've taken the road less travelled. But I was thinking which road to take. And before I could finish thinking, the intensity of the fight reached its apogee and the right guy with his full force gave a punch on the stomach of the drunken monkey (the left guy!).

That's all..

Out came a colloidal gel of alcohol mixed with chicken biriyani, cashew nuts, mashed boiled egg, peanut masala, chips, pickle, fish fry, onion, salad, moong dhal, mashed bajji bonda from his mouth and fell on me!

(Damn !)^2

Now the drunken monkey became enraged. He shook his head twice as though thinking of himself as a bull in a bullfight. He was least bothered about puking on me. He caught the collar of the right guy and claimed him to reimburse the money for his alcohol as he was responsible for the vomiting.

"What the f***!"

And the fight started again with both of them exchanging blows and donating some to me as I sat there, fully covered with the puked alcohol, protecting myself from the blows. This combat created pandemonium among the fellow passengers (who were happily watching the fight till then...)and they shouted at the comatose conductor to halt the bus.

The drunken monkey was thrown out.

But... What about me?! It was the worst of my time. With not even a single passenger in the bus having a water bottle to clean myself, I travelled the next half an hour with the colloidal puked alcohol sticking all over my body.

Even after I had abluted myself thoroughly in the next stop, the stinking smell of the alcohol was reluctant to get out of me. And when I reached home, my mom, for the first time, refused to give me a hug. She instead showed me the way to the bathroom!

Now what do you say about these sort of incidences? I started thinking again. A series of questions sprung up:

* Why did I think of travelling?
* Why did I board that bus when there were hell a lot of buses available?
* Why did I occupy the first seat?
* Why did I occupy the middle of the first seat?
* Why didn't I vacate the place when I was first interrupted from my sleep?
* Why didn't I call the conductor?
* Why did the fight happen?
* Why did the drunken monkey puke on me?

And finally...

* Why is it always me?

My mind replied:
" Fear not Bharath... I am the creator of this fictitious story! So, only you can be the hero. That's why it is always you my dear!"

Damn!

Government Bus (One bad encounter)

2008-09-15T05:32:00.000-07:00

It was a moony night. I was travelling in a government bus from bangalore to my home town. Two girls were sitting left to me.

Two things to be noted:

1. I had encountered lot of girls in my college days. And i had never bothered about them. But now... I feel compunctious for that. Everything got changed. My college days got over. I got my posting in Bangalore. And here, I couldn't find a girl friend! Not even a single girl bothers about me (except for the office maid servant who gives me three cups of any "non-alcoholic" drink of my choice daily). I was desperate to have a cup of coffee with a girl, to schmooze with a girl and to have a girl friend by my side. I tried all possibilities to do the same, but, all proved futile.

2. After careful observation of my comportment, I found out that I had this grotesquerie habit of turning my head to the other side or downwards when a beautiful girl crosses me as though to show everyone indirectly that "Hey... I'm a good guy! I don't get bewitched towards beautiful females". I also found out that majority of the teenagers do the same when they confront the opposite sex. Little did i/they know that none was bothered about that.

Coming to the crux, I badly needed a girl to love. And I wanted to get out of this weird habit mentioned in point 2. So I was thinking of a solution. Suddenly an idea flashed.

Now these girls sitting on my left side were pretty good. I wanted to talk to them. So I turned my head towards the left and started staring (sighting!) at the girl near to me. Two things added fuel to stare at her more passionately:

The boring film screened in the bus
The thirst to spend the next four hours interestingly

After two hours of continuous gaping (includes occasional turning of head to the other side to reduce the pain caused in the neck) she caught sight of me. She smiled at me. I felt bliss.(Yeah! Ignorance is bliss)

After formal introductions, we didn't know what to speak. I remember watching a film - "School for Scoundrels" in which protagonist would say that you've to lie, lie again and again in order to woo a girl. My inner conscience started telling "LIE! Start lying!" Following was the conversation that occurred after that...

Conscience: Lie!
Me: You're beautiful...
Girl: (blinks)
Cons: Lie!
Me: Why? Are you doubtful?
Girl: No.. No.. Thanks for the commendation.
Cons: Good. Now lie again...
Me: How do I look like?
Girl: You are handsome.
Cons: Now she started lying :-)
Me: It's boring. Can we speak something?
Girl: Sure.
Me: So which dish do you like?
Girl: All sea foods... Prawn curry especially.
Cons: Sucks... Err... Sorry... Lie! Lie again...
Me: Oh great! Even I like those... The fins of prawn would be really delicious.
Girl: Prawns don't have fins.
Cons: She caught you!
Me: Oh really... I meant the other sea foods then.
Girl: Actually I'm a vegetarian.. I simply bluffed to see what you answer :-)
Cons: Man... This girl is really smart. Now.. Lie! Lie again!
Me: Ha ha ha... That was a good comedy! Appreciate your sense of humor..
Girl: So you're a vegetarian right?
Me: (Grinning) Yes.. How did you know?
Girl: It's written on your face.
Me: So you know face reading... Cool... Great!
Cons: Hey... Hey... I asked you to lie... not to flatter her.. Why are you behaving like the way you pose in front of your boss? L... I... E... The word is LIE... Can you hear that? Now... DO IT!
Girl: So... what else?
Me: What is your hobby?
Girl: I like my pets!
Me: Even i like them.. I have a German shepherd in my home.
Girl: No... I hate dogs like those. I basically like indian dogs.
Cons: (laughs at me)
Me: Hmmm... Actually I was the heart throb of all girls in my college.
Girl: Really?
Cons: Hey girl! You can't believe it right? Neither can I!
Me: Ha ha ha... I was kidding!
Girl: I know! Poor joke!
Me: ?!
(There was a brief pause)
Girl: So... Mr Heartthrob? What mood out ah?
Me: No... Not even a little. Why would i get angry with a beautiful girl like you?
Girl: So you like me?

I got stunned. Now you have two answers how I would've reacted.

ANSWER 1: (The good answer)
Me: Yes... I like you. I like the girl sitting next to you. I like the girl in front of you. I like all girls.
Cons: zzzz!!! (sleeping)
Girl: Great! But I love you...
Me: Hmmm... That was bit transparent.
Girl: It was nice of you to say that you like me. Anyways... What I said was for fun.
Me: ?!

ANSWER 2: (The bad answer)
Me: Yes... I like you. I love you.
Girl: Hmmm... I am getting engaged next week. Here's my invitation. You must come...
Me: ?!

In both cases, the girl outwitted me. Not knowing what to do, I started to write it as a story in my blog. And here you've finished reading the same.

PS1: Frankly admitting... Neither did i win in getting a girl friend nor did i change the so called weird habit. The above said story is purely out of my imagination and nothing occurred exactly the way i had mentioned. What exactly happened was, after she found out that I had been staring at her, she called her boy friend who was sitting in the front seat and I quietly escaped the scene!

PS2: (Am serious now) Dear girls... I love you all!

First Post

2008-09-09T02:13:00.000-07:00

Ha ha ha!!
Towards creating a hilarious saga.