Rambling Rose

The writing prompt for today's sessions is: I finally understand. Now what?

2026-10-21T19:07:45.451-04:00

The writing prompt for today's sessions is: I finally understand. Now what?

Please tell the story of when you finally understood. And while understanding was a relief, not knowing what to do next was terrifying.

Your story can relate to alcohol or emotional safety, or to something else entirely. The topic is up to you. Please write about the emotions of understanding, but not knowing what to do with that understanding.

I finally understand that he will never understand me.

I finally understand that he will never understand what I want and what I stand for in this relationship. I do understand that I want to be here. He does understand that I am in it for the long haul. He will never understand that I am not here for him or what he wants.

I want to be with him.

I want to please him.

I want to meet his needs.

But at what expense is this coming?

If I say that I have no interest in coming up with something to do this weekend and you plan another errand with lunch attached, and I say yes because I don’t want to let you down, that’s not me, that’s you.

If you tell me that I need to put more effort into this relationship one more time I am going to snap. You think the lack of effort is me. And I think it’s you. And we will never meet in the middle, but I will always tell you it’s me. It’s a very toxic situation. I will never feel anything but resentment. And you don’t see any of that resentment. You see someone that doesn’t care about us at all. I see, for the first time, me, who doesn’t want to give in anymore.

I see me, who wants to do what I want to do, but also wants to be part of a couple. Maybe not this couple.

You will always think you are doing more of the work than I am in coming up with things to do. You tell me you are listening to me, you tell me there’s nothing to listen to. I tell you I’m listening and I tell you I’m always trying to do what you want me to do. You tell me I’m not trying hard enough.

The physical touch of you scares me now. You tell me we’re not having enough sex.

I dread coming home. You don’t know that.

There’s something wrong with this picture. I know what it is. I can’t say it outloud between us. You just don’t listen anymore, but you think you do. I say I want a job switch and I’m trying. You tell me that’s running away.

Well maybe it is. Maybe I want to run away and never come back. In the middle of the night. Without saying a word because if I give you warning you will tell me I don’t have to go. You will tell me it’s up to me to make it better. You will try to say it’s all my fault. I will agree and the cycle will start over.

I think I finally understand that you will never understand how unhappy I am. I think I finally understand how unhappy I am. I think I finally understand that I have no idea how to make it better without running away, in the dark, after midnight.

I understand that you aren’t a bad person, just bad at recovery.

I understand that you aren’t a bad man, just bad at life.

I understand that you aren’t mean, just selfish.

I understand that you think that I’m lazy and I think that you’re lazy and we will never understand each other.

I think I understand that I want a do over in life.

I understand that I want to stop thinking about this for a long time. I understand that I never will.

I understand that my job is too cumbersome and laborious to spend any time outside of my job looking for new work. I understand that my boundary issues are larger than just home. I understand that I feel trapped. I understand that I use “I” too much, and I understand that makes me seem selfish.

I understand that you want me to “plan” our next “date” and I have no desire to because I have no desire to spend time with you. The very thought of that makes my skin crawl. I don’t have a desire to do much of anything else right now either.

This is definitely an example of not knowing where to go next.

What is it trying to tell me?

2026-10-07T18:26:40.546-04:00

The writing prompt for today's sessions is: What is it trying to tell me?

Do you have any memories that stay with you, and you're not sure why? Maybe you don't remember much else about that period of time, the people or places that were important back then, or even the context surrounding the memory.

I was eight-years-old living in a small town in Southern Indiana when the movie, Arthur, staring Dudley Moore was in theaters. It was some kind of romantic comedy, and Moore's character was perpetually drunk. I was really depressed around that time. So much so that my mom wanted to take me to a psychologist, which was kind of unheard of back then. Especially for boys. We went to see Arthur, and we left the theater because I was so distraught, not about the movie, but about being alive. I have no other memories about me ever being depressed as a child. We never did go to a psychologist. I was never medicated. And to top it off, I have no idea why my mom took me to that movie. Every once in a while I look up the release date of Arthur to remind myself of how old I was when I left that movie theater sobbing. I don't know why I do that. I don't honesty think it is related to Dudley Moore playing a drunk. Did something traumatic happen around that time that I'm suppressing? I don't know what my memory is trying to tell me.

Do you have any memories that linger, and you don't know why? Is your subconscious trying to tell you something? Why is your brain holding on to that? Please write about it.

Here’s what chatGPT says:

This prompt asks you to explore a memory that stays with you, even if you don’t understand why. You don’t have to uncover a hidden event or reach a definite explanation. You can write about what you remember, what you feel now, and what you still wonder.

The example is intense, but your memory can be ordinary: a comment someone made, a car ride, a room, a kindness, or a moment when you felt left out or understood.

Try starting with these questions:

What scene comes to mind? Describe the place, people, sounds, or one small detail.
What feeling comes with it? Embarrassment, comfort, sadness, longing, confusion?
What makes it puzzling? Why this moment, when you’ve forgotten so many others?
What might you say to yourself in that moment now?

You can explore possible meanings without deciding that any one explanation is true. The prompt’s suggestion about suppressed trauma is the writer’s speculation; you don’t need to adopt it.

A useful opening is: “I don’t know why I remember this, but I can still picture…”

If no particular memory comes to mind, you could begin: “When I try to think of a memory that is trying to tell me something, nothing obvious appears. What I notice instead is…” That gives you room to explore a recurring feeling, a period of your life, or even the pressure to find meaning.

When I try to think of a memory that is trying to tell me something, nothing obvious appears. What I notice instead is…fear. Anxiety. I honestly read this prompt a few times this week and nothing appeared, but I kept thinking about high school, what it was like as a student, for me. I guess this is natural, I am a high school teacher after all. (If you asked me in the year 1999, junior year, if I was ever going to teach high school I would have spit in your face) but here we are. The memory that surfaced was crying at the kitchen table with my parents trying to console me.

I was trying to figure out something. Algebra, Biology, Physics, studying my ass off and only coming up with 83s if I was lucky on tests. Somehow feeling that this was never good enough. My father is trying to teach me math at the table telling me “it was easy” but not actually explaining the problem or how he got it. He was supposed to be a professor? I don’t recall really ever being interested in something?

I remember doing what had to be done. I remember the following lists. I remember checking off to-do list items and feeling accomplished, and that was really the only time I was happy. I fell in love with the concept of accomplishment. I never developed interests. It was always told to me that I was going to college; I was never given the option of a gap year, or technical school, or work. Would my life have been different had I chosen to fly to Spain when I was 18? How? I guess that’s all in the past now, but I am who I am because I suffered 4 miserable years at the University of Georgia and was forced to pick a major of Education. Moving forward, I think constantly about how the seniors I’ve taught for four years are going to move into their futures.

I’m already seeing they are entirely uninterested in reading novels and discussing their relevance. I have to have them do that, but they’d rather discuss with me the current election in Brazil and how they just turned 18 and voted absentee because their current president is a certified whack job. Actually, the way this girl described the incumbent Brazilian president sounds a lot like I describe the current American one. She cut the conversation short with me and wrote me a note, in fluent English, that said the other Brazilian girl (both of whom I’ve taught for 3 and 4 years respectfully) is on the opposite side of the political spectrum and didn’t want to hurt feelings.

These kids are going to be OK. This is the same girl who told me yesterday “My parents said that if I don’t go to college they will kill me.” Wow. I instantly shot back to my senior year. My father said the exact same thing to me. She’s pushing back, maybe. The kids will be OK.

I say all of this because I have invested time into this community. I know it’s just my work community. If I tell any of this to Cameron he would tell me I’m getting too close to my students and I need to take a professional step back. I do teach them the elements of literature. I do teach them how to find the central claim of an argument. They can do that. They don’t want to talk about that stuff. They know how to do that stuff. They can do that if you make it a class requirement. They WANT to talk about this stuff. They want to talk about stuff that matters.

I say all of this because I’m torn. I don’t have a specific memory, but I’m driven to many memories of my youth daily. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about the person I could become. I think I’ve always thought about what other people expected of me. I’m in a profession that expects me to provide a service where I am providing a zillion services daily. When is it going to be my turn? What do I really want out of life? I want me.

How can I reach my full potential?

2026-09-22T16:45:06.701-04:00

The Story Writing Workshop is our writing and reading session in Echoes of Recovery. When we write our truth, we go much deeper than when we talk. The Story is all about digging deep to find healing.

We will have our next The Story reading sessions next Wednesday, September 23rd:

Morning Call: 9am MDT
Evening Call: 6pm MDT

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: How can I reach my full potential?

Addiction expert, and all around guru on self-improvement and growth, Dr. Gabor Mate, debunks a common belief with which many of us struggle. Our culture leads us to believe that there is a contradiction between working on self-improvement and feeling self-acceptance. I know I feel that. How can I work to get better unless I have absorbed the idea that I am not good enough? Gabor says that we need to ask ourselves a kinder question, "How can I reach my full potential?" This question allows us accept who we currently are while still working and striving to grow. It is a powerful reframing. And the striving is not limited to our own internal growth and development. By trying to reach our full potential, we can eliminate roadblocks and change our situation so that the pressure for improvement isn't squarely on our shoulders. So, for this week's writing, please answer Gabor Mate's question: "How can I reach my full potential?"

Having trouble finding the time to write? Our Echoes of Recovery participants lead busy lives. But busy is a matter of priorities, and we believe so strongly in the power of writing our stories, that we offer this suggestion if you are having trouble finding time to write. Try the Seven Minute Prompt method. Set a timer for seven minutes, write to the prompt above, and stop wherever you are at the end of the time. No need to edit. Just bring the output from your seven minutes of writing to our session, and read with pride for finding time to squeeze in the writing this week.

On next Wednesday's video calls, we will read our stories to each other. Please be prepared to give and receive relentlessly positive feedback. In The Story Writing Workshops, we reward the vulnerability of our writers.

Early on Wednesday morning, I will send the ZOOM links to join the reading sessions. Please let me know if you have any questions, and we can't wait to hear your stories!

Matt

My first instinct is to make a list of everything I should be doing better. I should be more organized, more patient, more productive. I should be able to teach full time, pursue my doctorate, care for the people in my life, and somehow still have energy left for myself. But if reaching my full potential means doing all of that perfectly, I will always feel as though I am falling short.

Maybe my full potential is not a future version of me who can carry an unlimited amount. Maybe it begins with being honest about the person I am today: someone who cares deeply, works hard, gets tired, and needs room to grow. I can value those parts of myself without pretending I have everything figured out.

For me, growth might look like choosing what matters most instead of trying to give everything the same amount of energy. It might mean asking for help, setting a boundary, or resting before I am completely depleted. It might mean letting myself learn slowly, especially when I wish I were already good at something.

I want to keep moving forward. But I want to do it with kindness toward myself, not with the belief that I have to earn my worth. Perhaps reaching my full potential starts there: trusting that I am already enough, and giving myself the care and space I need to become more fully myself.

Current question: Does my future best self look better as a single woman? Have I been fooling myself all this time thinking that everyone needs a partner to make the best verson of themself? Should I start thinking of myself as an I rather than a we. I don't have to think of myself as living by myself to think of my self as single. I can think of myself as single in my current living arrangement. I do need to do what's best for me. Detatchment sure is easier when you don't live with that person. Everyone does seem to understand me better as a part of a couple.

8/12 writing

2026-08-11T21:19:36.086-04:00

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Creeping Doubt

Think it through with logic and reason. Make a pros and cons list. Confirm that you've tried everything possible to bring about change. Review the evidence and see that there really is only one reasonable conclusion.

The above paragraph belongs to your conscious mind. Unfortunately, you have a subconscious, too, that is not always working in your favor. Sometimes, your subconscious defies logic.

Please write about the battle between what you know to be true and the creeping doubt that won't leave you alone.

Yes yes, this topic was made for me. I know that I am an educated, intelligent, compassionate woman that can spread my knowledge of the English language and academic writing to teenagers that hate reading and do it in a way that is fun and energetic. I know I can do this. With the right preparation. The creeping doubt comes in and tells me that nothing I do at work is good enough. Of course, the school system doesn’t hurt that quest either. My therapist said I was transitioning this week and it was rough. I know it’s eight days into the school year. I am on the struggle bus. Paddling like a duck’s underwater, and maybe a little above water too. Our student numbers are low.

My teammate is in danger of being reassigned, and hopefully it’s just for a few classes over to another department and not to another school. We just found our rhythm in working together last March. We make a good team. The fact is, 100% of our students hit their growth goal for the year. That’s never happened in my short history of teaching multilingual learners. Taking him away feels a little like punishing us for a job well done. Those are facts. I know those are true. I know I am an effective teacher. My subconscious defies logic when I tell myself at 3 am that I suck. I tell myself at 3pm that I’m disorganized, sloppy, a poor dresser, and kind of a mess that hasn’t peed in seven hours. The facts are my basic needs aren’t being met. I let too much of myself go to other people. Those are facts. Subconscious creeps in when I’m tired, I know this.

Creeping doubt sets in that I’m not a good partner for anyone. Creeping doubt sets in when I convince myself that I am messy, and don’t iron my clothes and have papers left on my desk from last Tuesday. Convinced that productivity and business will cure me of my doubt. When I am productive, I am not thinking about how bad I am at life. Creeping doubt tells me I’m not good enough for a relationship, and would be better off alone. Creeping doubt tells me I’m a failure if I do stay in an unhappy relationship. Creeping doubt tells me I’m crazy for wanting someone to understand me for me after a long hard day of work. Creeping doubt tells me no one wants to hear that mess. Creeping doubt tells me I like nothing and nothing likes me. I don’t have any real hobbies that are worthwhile. Those aren’t the facts. But what are they?

The fact is I’ve shrunk myself so much. I’ve shrunk myself so I believe that I’m nothing. When I try to tell myself otherwise I get nowhere. What is the big idea? How do we stop the constant creeping doubt? Any suggestions?

Relationships after Alcohol

2026-08-02T10:14:52.601-04:00

Expo Fights And 14er Friction

😣 Strained

You went to the Southern Fried Gaming Expo hoping for shared fun, but instead found yourself bristling at Cameron’s rushing, criticism, and total resistance to the creator conversations you love. The 14ers demo became the day’s clearest snapshot: you felt pulled between wanting connection, wanting your own voice, and realizing how much of yourself you’ve been shrinking to keep the peace.

I’m writing today mostly because I’m bothered by another failed attempt at quality time in my relationship. We go to the Southern Fried Gaming Expo every year.

https://gameatl.com/

We have for the last three years at least. There is typically enough there for both of us and we both end up having a good time. Pinball machines, tabletop game demonstrations from new creators (for me), artists, crafters, booths of creative people, and video game sales and booths, giant expo halls with retro games, pinball machines, retro computer equipment, etc for him.

We planned to spend a day there. The conference goes on all weekend but who has time for that?

We typically have very different ideas of what makes a good gaming conference. I know I like to walk around and talk to creators and chat with them about their ideas and how they came up with the idea for their game. I generally get to know them and try out their game. Cameron wants no part of talking but used to enjoy listening to my banter with vendors. He would prefer to look at games for sale and live his own quiet life alone. Not sure why he had to bring me or hang around me the whole time. We are grown ups and he could have gone his separate way but he chose to stick by me, maybe because we had agreed to do this together and spend quality time together. Maybe because he wanted to know what I was up to at all times. I will never know.

We started with the registration line. He was annoyed because it was long. What does he expect? We got there at a luxurious 11am because we didn’t buy the weekend pass and day passes weren’t available online. It appears to be moving quickly but he wants no part of the conversation so I turn the couple behind us and start a conversation. When there’s a lull behind me he pulls me to him and whispers that I should be careful who I start a conversation with here because not everyone likes to bathe and most are on the spectrum. What the fuck?? We are here too. We are not superior to anyone here. We are all just here sharing a cool hobby and that makes us equals. You are not superior because you are here with a “girlfriend” and happen to bathe and brush your teeth daily. Already annoyed but determined to move on in a positive attitude I focus on the line in front of us. It is moving. I noticed the “Free Mom Hugs” booth and commented to him on that. No response. I love the Free mom hugs booth. See below.

https://freemomhugs.org/

When we finally buy tickets and a tshirt (our tradition) we are free to wander around but he seems hesitant. We go around the circle and find a new game with dice and a grid called Squabble Squares. New from North Carolina and the guys teach us how to play. Very friendly vendor/creator, doesn’t pressure us into buying anything but does demo the game with us and teach us rules so we play around. Cameron joins in, we have a good time.

https://www.squabblesquaresgame.com/

He does eventually give us a sales pitch, afterall that’s why he’s here, but we decline politely and say we will come back after walking around a bit. I’m interested and think it would be a fun dinner party game for when we don’t invite guests over. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of why we don’t have friends and I would like more friends to do social nights/game nights with and Cameron will never go for that but put those thoughts out of my mind and move on.

More booths, more games. Mostly just looking. Then I stumble upon something that catches my eye.

It’s a creator with a National Park Card game and another game called 14ers. About 14,000 feet peaks. Having just been in Colorado, I stop and hear the guy’s story. He did in fact create the game for his hiking enthusiast wife. It’s a turn-based card game where you take cards with the Colorado 14ers on them and try to earn points by “training” and “Getting gear” with dice and cards and strategy. Very clever.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/grazingbeargames/14ers-a-card-game-about-colorados-highest-peaks

Cameron likes other strategy games like this, so I start asking questions and get into this great conversation about Colorado and how pretty it is and knowing he’s there to sell the game, Cameron looks in patient and not into this convo. I’m super excited but managing expectations from all. He says he’s doing a demo of the game at 2. It’s almost 12 now so we agree to come back. It’s a visually gorgeous game. Someone has some artistic talent and passion. He spent a lot of time researching the peaks. It would be cool to play with hiking enthusiast friends. I enjoy supporting creative minds and kickstarter projects. Cameron looks like he wants to participate in the convo but has nothing to contribute. We walk on.

We stumble past game demos in progress and I stop to watch. I get invited and join a few, but Cameron never seems interested enough to sit down. He likes games, he tells me later he doesn’t want to be “trapped” in a game where he can’t get away if he wants to. He was anxious to see everything we came to see and still seemed like he was in a hurry. I have a different attitude and just want to talk to as many people and experience the humanity and community that is here. He’s annoyed that I want to play every game available. Still we are doing a good job of compromising, he is letting me play a few and I’m giving in to him wanting to move as fast as possible.

I should say at this point that we have a game we demoed last year and we both enjoyed and we haven’t played it ONCE all year. Partially because it’s multiplayer and doesn't invite friends over and partially because he’s too impatient to sit down with me and learn the rules. Part of this conference for me is a chance to meet people and make contacts for future gaming. I don’t think he realizes that and I do keep bringing it up nicely to him while we are walking but he doesn’t seem to agree with me and wants to keep walking and just looking at stuff superficially, not going deep enough to learn anything or make any deep connections.

Here’s the role playing game we own and did a past demo on last year:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09K92WF41?lv=shuf&channelId=500&plpRedirect=mhFallback

Fun little western movie role playing game. Would be fun in a larger group.

We were invited to play again this year but Cameron declined. I kind of wanted to play – but could see that he was annoyed.

Live in the moment.

Make connections.

That’s not how he works yet. Or ever.

I can feel the resentment builing but am trying to stay positive, we move to the the next room. This room is entirely his room. It’s the pinball/arcade games/retro computer giant exhibit hall.

It’s noisy. But it’s a cacophony of noise that Cameron says he’s able to drown out. Because it doesn’t require conversation or deep connection. There’s a constant hum of noise that if you’re playing one specific game or focusing on one vendor booth you can drown out but people aren’t talking to each other. It’s also the most popular place in the convention. It’s my least favorite room here but I go along with it. The retro booth is interesting. There are old commodores and apple computers from the 70s/80s and they are cool to read about. We do spend time going through the history of technology. Taking pictures. I’ll post them at the end.

We spent an hour there. Cameron mostly looks at old video game sellers and is independent. I strike up conversations with people with 14 pinball machines in their basement looking to acquire the Harry Potter ones. I learned that Pinball machines (these) cost $2000 and mostly more than that. What? Ok then. The wife of this couple rolls her eyes and tells me that she’s instructed her daughter that when they die she will sell them and by herself a new car. The husband rolls his eyes at her. I find myself wondering about their relationship. Cameron’s playing pinball in front of me. I can barely hear them but that's all I get from them and the only convo I have in this giant conference hall.

I find a dance dance revolution machine and play that with Cameron watching and we find a guitar hero machine and we both play a round of that. That’s pretty fun. Harder than it looks, but fun. Cameron tells me everything I did wrong in the game and then tells me he used to be awesome at Guitar Hero. That’s the only convo we have there. I take a picture with the cute robot when it comes into our area. He is still shopping for video games he will likely never play. I find an old disney machine that molds wax and smells awful and get into a convo with people around that. I make Mickey. Pictures to come. He is nowhere to be found. Fine. After about an hour in that room it’s getting close to the time of that 14er demo so I find him and tell him I want to go to that and he doesn’t have to come with me but he chooses to follow me there.

We sit down and immediately he says he only wants to watch. So it’s me and another guy and the creator telling the rules. He explains the rules and lays out the game play. I’m asking questions as we go. It’s a genuinely fun game and I’m enjoying the rules. Cameron is sitting next to me telling me that I made the wrong decision in front of both the other player and the creator and I should have gone with this card. I tell him nicely that he should have played the game instead of telling me what to do. I’m starting to find my truth speaking serum. I am wearing my purple beaded bracelet from Avia and Nikki after all. He is defensive and embarrassed and says he doesn’t want to play and the creator says that we are playing as a team to make himself more comfortable. I’m immediately embarrassed for us and him that he had to witness that and make a mental note to behave better. I am still annoyed as fuck that he didn’t want to play his own hand and only wanted to criticize my decisions.

We get through the game and to the sales pitch. The game is only $20. I think it would be a fun game to have on the shelf and a talking piece for hiking people. I am interested in Colorado and hiking. I say this out loud. I comment on the beautiful artwork. Cameron is not ok with this. He gets up and says we will head over to the booth and buy it there. He wants nothing of this small talk with the creator. I’m trying to build friendships here. I follow him over and before we get to the booth he pulls me aside privately and says that was the most confusing game ever and he didn’t understand the rules or scoring. I said well then why didn’t you ask as we went. He said he didn’t want to sound like a jerk. I didn’t think it was that confusing, it was a first run through and we would learn. I can tell he doesn’t want me to purchase this game. He makes sure it's a me purchase and not a purchase, but when we get to the booth and I’m contemplating the sales person there says he doesn’t have a card reader (it’s with the demo guy we just left) and I don’t have cash so I walk away. I am visibly pissed and Cameron knows it. He feels bad. I don’t want to talk about it so I say nothing. I walk around the demo area looking at what everyone else is playing but he’s now saying he has a headache and is feeling tired. It is time for his narcolepsy daily nap so we head home. I know Cameron is upset. I say that I’m sorry for not voicing my truth earlier. We didn’t plan this out well enough we never do.

I always want to stay for the demos and he always wants to leave. He doesn’t want to be roped into a game if he doesn’t like the people we are playing with. I said that’s fine he can do his thing. He says that defeats the point if we do this together. I don’t say anything because we are in the car and I don’t want to fight in the car.

I do finally get the courage to voice my truth and say when we get home that I value community and want to make friends and I don’t think he values that and is too shy to take a risk. I say that making friends and living a life I want to live requires risk taking. It shuts him up for a few minutes. I ask why he doesn’t bring his medicine so that we don’t have to leave at 4. He says it's a controlled substance and doesn’t want to get pulled over with it on him in an unmarked container. He has a pill case. Lots of people have a pill case. It’s an excuse for needing to leave early. When he was a drinker, leaving early was the only thing he did to be able to drink the way he wanted to. I got used to doing my only thing. I see this as just a behavior set in the same roots. He does not. It’s a valuable thing. I just want different things out of life than he does. He’s starting to realize that and it upsets both of us.

We go on for a while and agree that if we do this next year we should probably get a room in the hotel so that I can do my thing and he can go to sleep when he’s tired. He said that’s a good idea and he’s thought of that too.

We were going to get dinner but he nixed it because he didn't like the outside look of the restaurant. We found ice cream instead. I said I want ice cream and we get that but then asked me what I really wanted to do because he was confused and knows that I don't always say what I want. I said again I really want ice cream because I don't mess around with that.

I will back the 14er game on kickstarter. He doesn’t have to know about it.

Anyway, this is long and I’m exhausted. Drinking takes a toll on relationships that aren’t about drinking anymore. There is more I can say but I thought this would give you more of an idea about our lives together. We want to do shit together. I also want to be my own person. I am my own person. I can’t be who I want to be around him in these situations. It saddens me. I’m not ready to leave yet. I’m not ready to stay and lose myself either. I do know I’ve spent way too much time losing myself and chipping away at parts of myself that I like too much.

I also know that I start school in less than 24 hours and I’m mortified for all that entails. I am not ready for the year. I am not excited for what the year represents. I am exhausted.

We have to go to see the Odyssey with my parents this afternoon. I agreed to that and so did he. It is the first time we will be out with them as a couple since he stopped drinking. I opted for a movie instead of dinner because of the low interaction feature. I do not want to go and sit in a movie for three hours today. I would rather have the alone time or the movement time.

Wish us luck.

I commend you for making it to the bottom of this.

It’s a doozy.

Feedback in all forms is welcome and encouraged.

Be kind and direct. If there is such a thing.

Am I wasting my time?

Can I learn to love myself well enough to make this work?

Echoes 7/29

2026-07-28T22:30:12.369-04:00

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Comfort Zone

Tell us a story about a time when you felt as comfortable as you can remember. Maybe it was an interaction with someone you trust. Maybe you were by yourself in a place that carries safe memories. Please be descriptive. Help us to be there with you. Set the scene. Describe what we should experience with all five senses. Help us understand why the situation brings you such comfort. Then, please help us understand why this comfort zone is hard to achieve, and what you might be able to do to find the comfort zone more often.

I feel like this is just a cry for an advertisement for the Echoes retreat 2027 because I would totally do that. I just felt so safe last week at the retreat in the woods. I could write about sitting on a rock with my feet in the water running over my ankles talking to Hammer and Jen S and Sherri and letting the cool mountain air and rain smell regulate my nervous system for me. Talk about your comfort zone.

I could also write about not getting made fun of for breathing wrong by anyone at the retreat. No one comments on what I'm eating or how I'm eating or what I'm leaving on the floor too many times or how I can't eat without making a mess. I guess my standards for my comfort zone aren't very high.

Even when I speak and choose what I say carefully, I enjoy the feeling I get when people listen for listening sake like they are actually interested in what I have to say, instead of say, listening with the purpose of feeling like they have to listen to be a good person and later get rewarded with sex because he listened or watched something he didn't really want to listen to or watch but he did and so now I'm obligated do what he wants because that's what being a relationship is.

Comfort is a tricky line to walk when you've been in a relationship with an alcoholic and emotional abuser for a good chunk of your adult life. Speaking of walking lines, the ropes course was kind of a good analogy for comfort. On the high ropes course, you could get very comfortably locked in, stationary, balancing. The minute you move your feet you instantly don't trust yourself and it's over. Comfort gone. The more you don't trust yourself the more comfort you lose and the cycle continues. If I remembered to breathe and cope I could usually figure out how to keep moving forward fast enough to get to the next platform. Heart rate elevated, nervous system engaged, respiration rate elevated until both feet were on the platform. The platform is my comfort zone. Solid ground. Ground that doesn't move.

A partner that doesn't talk back and doesn't insult me. The similarities are frightening and I could keep going with this metaphor but it will expire very soon. If I didn't remember to breathe and calm myself, panic ensued and I would lose my balance and have to paddle like a duck's feet to get back up to a place where I could grab the lifewire, with deathly grip. The illusion of safety and comfort.

I am safe. I just don't think I am. I am respected. I just don't feel like I am 100 percent of the time. And that's a hard place to recover from. The cycle continues to churn whether you are aware of it or not.

The last time I was truly comfortable in my own home was the day that Cameron left for Tennessee for the day. It was quiet. I could be wherever in the house I wanted and could watch or do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without regard for his reaction. That's not right. That's not a relationship, that's...I don't know what that is. Do I really just want to be that single? Did people just figure me out when I entered a relationship and I never was meant to be in one? I keep finding all of these other nice people in my life. Am I really just a person comfortable enough with people at a distance? The difference between them and Cameron is I don't have to live with them. They are nice because they don't see me 24 hours a day. When I'm at my worst. I really just may be better off as a single person and that's my comfort zone. Then I can just have really good friends. Who said one has to be in a relationship to be happy? I hate that is the line they feed you when you become an adult. You're not a real adult until you get married and have kids and a 9 to 5 job. Well that is just bullshit.

My comfort zone is me, and my cat. Mix some friends up there. Mix some community up in there for purpose. Do I want to be single or do I just not want the same thing as Cameron? Until he's willing to have that conversation as an adult, I will never know. Until I am willing to have that conversation as an adult, I will never know. Dive in, take the bandaid off, head first. Except I do like my spine intact and upright. So I am cautious.

Emotionally moved: 7/1 Echoes

2026-07-01T09:05:08.521-04:00

Write about a time you felt emotionally moved.

Laugh, Think, Cry

This prompt is really hard for me and I procrastinated a bit so I’m writing this on Wednesday morning. The truth of the matter is I have a hard time feeling emotionally moved on any given day.

Laugh – I do this a lot, but it seems to be a replacement action for all of the feelings that I feel lately. Somewhere in my life I got the message that people like laughing better than crying so I laugh at anything. It’s not a good look.

Think – I do this a lot too, mostly to my detriment. Most people’s thinking is my overthinking. Therapy is helping with this.

Cry – I don’t do this. I haven’t in a long time. I can’t figure out why. I do feel envy at those who do cry regularly. Have I just become so numb to things that I shove the cry emotion down so frequently that it’s become a habit, replaced with laughter instead? I think this is a little of what is happening. I don’t fault others for crying, I want the release. In all of life’s chaos, I forgot how to cry. It’s not a good look either.

I don’t want to say it’s as simple as, well, I was asked to shape up or ship out as a child, was told one too many times in my teenage years not to cry and it stuck, though it may be that simple. As the dutiful oldest daughter, I couldn’t cause any more trouble for my parents than my brother was causing and I had to be silent to be good and crying was seen as a call for attention and we shouldn’t by any means draw attention to ourselves.

In my relationship in early sobriety C couldn’t deal with my emotions so I hid them from him and just got really good at masking everything from everyone. It hasn’t come back yet.

I remember feeling really moved yesterday, when my former coworker invited me to her pool to see a former student's family all grown up. These girls from Guatemala were 7 and 8 when I left my previous school. It was the height of the pandemic and they spoke next to no English. They always had a smile tucked on their faces beneath a mask. Today they sit at a newly 13 and 15 and fully in their teenage years and in the throes of middle school. Cellphones and social media await, but they did none of that in our presence. Instead they talked to us and helped translate for mom. I’m sure they are bullied or treated poorly for being quiet and compliant. I’m sure they still rely on each other to get through the day. Both of them helped mom dutifully with their 5 year old sister and infant brother. Both of them watched over their 5 year old sister as a new swimmer in the pool. Making sure she stayed in vision of them both. Second and third mom. Both of them reveled in the freedom mom gave them to swim and play yesterday. They wouldn’t have had that had my coworker not invited them to the pool that day.

I learned later that this family of six was in a horrible accident leaving the kids to go through multiple surgeries to fix teeth and jaws that were destroyed on impact. They have one car. They missed months of school. I didn’t ask about income lost for not being allowed to work, because I know either parent’s employment situation is day to day construction contract work that may not have been able to be performed post accident. None of the children complained about any of it yesterday. They were happy to swim and play and eat a meal provided to them and talk with the boring adults that were present. I was certainly moved to tears, but I couldn’t say or show any of that. The mom told me through broken English that because of their missed school this year, both girls are repeating grades 6 and 7 next year, and they aren’t getting along with their older white male English teacher with high expectations. My heart broke for them. They are the statistics we talk about as future high school drop outs. They deserved none of this.

I felt emotionally moved and still do. I took their business card and promised to call when my yard needs a fence fixed or my house needs cleaning; I know they are too proud to accept a handout. I know nothing I say wouldn’t be enough, so instead I chose time. Time spent with them, in connection. I would like to think that helped. It probably did temporarily raise spirits, but left me feeling like I have nothing to complain about.

I don’t know why I’m telling this story, the task was to write about a time I felt emotionally moved and I guess that this is the one this summer that comes to mind because I’ve numbed myself to everything else in my life. I’ll continue working on that, if I knew how.

Visualizing the Summit

2026-06-17T08:52:32.439-04:00

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Can't See the Summit

Hiking in Colorado, we usually start the hike without being able to see the top of the mountain, the destination. That can feel daunting - so much so that sometimes it keeps people from making the climb. What is something in front of you that's so large, such a fundamental change, and you can't see the summit, so you stay at the bottom, looking up, thinking, dreaming, and promising yourself that someday you'll start climbing? It can be anything, related to alcoholism and emotional safety, or not. Please visualize the assent, and write about it. Plan all the steps, anticipate the false summits, think about the supplies you'll need. It's always easier to start a hike if you've already summited the mountain through visualization.

There is so much of this journey that I can not see. The thing that comes to mind now is what to do next part of my journey. I can not see the end, so I just stop. Give up. I know I deserve emotional safety at all costs. I don’t know what to do when I don’t get that at home. From my partner. I don’t know what to do when requiring something from my partner that he has no ability to give, because I assume that he does have the ability to give and is either choosing not to or doesn’t know he needs to at this time, because I have always accepted what he has given. I need to expect more parts that I can not see the top of. I have always dreamed of a career that is not in K-12 education. Something else.

Non-teaching, non-caregiving, communicating with people but something out there. I can’t tell if I’ve always done it because he wanted me to or if that is what society expected of me. I start the journey. I started applying to other jobs, like the state-department fellowship overseas. The application opens in September. I am going to fill it out this year. I have in past years, but it seemed too daunting so I stopped; I put my white flag in the ground and I surrendered to the gods of alcoholic thinking in the house. We can’t afford this, he would always say.

You need a job with stable income, stable insurance. If you do that, I’ll get a job making more money and that will come without insurance so one of us will need to have a steady stable job while one of us earns more doing contract work. He’s never applied to higher paying jobs. He’s scared to leave. We are both scared to leave the comfort of what we know. I think he is more than me. I want to branch out, try something new, but something is holding me back. Has it always been him? Has he been the voice of reason or the voice of negativity and stifled opportunities? I have tried having job conversations with him, they are circular. They don’t go anywhere. I’m afraid to stand up to him and share my concerns and true feelings.

I have a plan. I’m going to apply to a few of the virtual gigs on the state department website here:

https://elprograms.org/virtual-educator-program/

I know the director of that program, she was my supervisor in graduate school. That’s an advantage. I can do a few of the evening programs that last a few hours a few nights a week after school this year. That won’t disrupt my income from my day job and will give Cameron nothing to complain about. Other than that I'm not spending enough time with him at night but he never wants to spend time with me at night anyway. My foot will be in the door when I want to apply to the longer term gigs with the same program overseas.

https://elprograms.org/fellow-program/

It opens in September. It’s a long process with lots of steps. I don’t plan on telling anyone until I’ve made it to the last rounds and plans have to be made to leave. That’s a harder conversation with Cameron. My income should be the exact same as I’m making now. I can still financially contribute to the home. I just won’t BE home for a year. I have no idea how I’m going to have that conversation. This is the summit I’m climbing but can’t see the top of yet. How do I tell him I’m unhappy with a few aspects of life without him convincing me I’m not. This is more of a me thing than a him thing. I’m the one gaslighting myself, telling myself I’m happy, going along with life, until I get so resentful and hurt at myself and at the world that I want something more. I settled for this suburban life long ago because it’s something that the world pushes on us. Settle down, get yourself a mate, kids, pets, cars, a job, and you have achieved something in life. When I keep coming back to it, that’s just not true and the summit is higher for me.

I’ll apply to these programs this year and that will be the start. The summit is not in sight; I have no idea where this will lead, but it is the next approachable step. That may be all that’s in me to write and think about today.

There was so much of me that I hid from the summit of my dreams during my alcoholic partnership and there is still so much that is hidden. I’m starting to peak out and see the summit, but it’s still cloudy. It’s there, it’s just not visible.

Echoes 6/10 Video Discussion Call Prompt

2026-06-10T10:35:53.525-04:00

Rating Comfort Level in Various Relationships

10 = Very comfortable 1=Not comfortable at all

Relationship Categories:

1. With your parents – 9/10 with mom; 4/10 with dad right now. I definitely don’t share things about my relationship with either of them and only keep it positive most of the time. If I am having another issue, my mom’s the guide, but nothing with dad.

2. With your children – I don’t have biological children, but I consider my students my own children sometimes, by default. I do think and worry about them like some moms worry about their bio kids. I do have nightmares about them. So to the extent that I can, I am 8/10 comfortable with my role as their teacher and mentor, guiding them through American high school for the first time in the country. We do share some pretty cool things and learn about each other throughout the year.

3. With your partner – I’m about 4/10 here. I only share what I think he can handle and censor myself frequently based on what I think is his mood at the time. I don’t share everything. He runs the agenda of the house. If he doesn’t like it, we usually don’t do it. I do a lot of things on my own and that gets lonely.

4. With other family – I don’t really talk to a lot of other family members. That’s what this disease does to families. I guess I see my mom’s brother and his wife, but cousins have dropped off the radar. My aunt and uncle are very open and non-judemental. I do feel comfortable sharing parts of my life with them like I do my mom. My grandparents used to be that for me, but they have since passed away. I don’t share anything with my brother; he’s at 5/10. Maybe a little more with his wife, 6/10.

5. With close friends – Maria is really the only close friend right now, and I do share things from time to time with her but don’t burden her with relationship details for fear of judgement. She wants me to leave and thinks I can do better. I’d put Maria at an 8/10, right below mom.

6. With distant friends/neighbors – 2/10 Nothing. I don’t even have distant friends. My neighbors don’t talk to us. We live in such an isolated world.

7. With your boss – I’ve worked hard here. 5/10 because I do share things that are going on in my classroom with my APs. They support me on behavior issues and issues with coworkers. I have built that level of trust with them, more so than at other schools. They know I care for my students and families and have their best interest at heart when making decisions. I don’t share details of my personal life with them. That’s just not appropriate for the situation.

8. With other coworkers – 4/10 superficial at best but friendly. I share what I’m reading for fun with a lot of them and we have lunchtime chatter but not much more.

How have these ratings changed over the years. What is missing in relationships where you aren't comfortable?

I think I was more comfortable with my parents before alcohol came into the picture in my relationship. They know too much and no one wants to talk about it unless I initiate, and I don’t want to initiate. Everything is fine here, nothing to see. I have always as far as I can remember back in childhood felt more comfortable with mom than with dad. General affect and emotional safety with her than with him. I obviously felt more comfortable before alcohol with Cameron. I do think I did a lot of isolating from friends and family in this process and that is hard to make up for now. It’s almost like too much time has passed.

To what do you attribute the comfort in relationships where you are comfortable?

The relationships where I am most comfortable, like mom and Maria, I attribute to time spent. I don’t miss out on making time for them and making them a priority in my life. I’ve tried to make Cameron a priority and it’s getting better but for the longest time he had other priorities.

Are there lessons you can learn, and things you can transfer, between the categories?
Not sure about this one. I need to listen to other people’s answers to get a feel for this one. I don’t think one relationship gives way to others in my life currently.

When Knowing Is Not Enough

2026-06-01T17:32:54.582-04:00

Monday, June 1st, 2026

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: When Knowing is Not Enough

When someone close to us faces a major challenge, whether it is alcoholism, or something else, it is quite common for us to do lots of research and learn everything we can about what has afflicted our loved. But no matter how much we learn, it is also quite common that the person with the challenge doesn't want to hear about it from us. Certainly this often applies to a partner suffering from alcoholism, but you can expand your lens and write about other relationships, too. For example, Sheri tried to share what she has learned about health with her mother, but her mother refused to learn from her own daughter.

It is painful to seek and gain valuable knowledge only to have a loved one refuse to listen or learn.

We all have experiences with this in various relationships. Pick one, and please write about how it feels, and any resulting consequences.

When knowing is not enough.

This seems simple at first glance. I knew the alcohol was a problem. I refused to say anthing about it. I knew I didn't like drinking. I didn't say anything. I let him have his fun. I had a little along the way. I knew it was getting worse, I chose not to say anything. I knew getting sober wasn't going to be the end of our problems, but I didn't know how that would look.

I did a lot of research. Most of us do. I listened to a lot of podcasts, YouTube videos, Instagram reels, TikToks, etc. about addiction, addiction recovery, partners of alcoholics, what alcohol does to the brain and body, dry drunk syndrome, you name it. I liked the logic of it. Almost burnt out on research and facts, I forgot to listen to how my body feels. Was I disresepected? Sure.

How does my body feel knowing I was disrespected and still am being disrespected daily? I have no idea. Knowing IS not enough. It never is. Action is always what it takes. What should I act on first though? I KNOW I need to stand up and say what hurts my feelings in the moment. I don't because it has traditionally been what has kept me safe. My coping mechanism has always been to shut my mouth and keep working. It's worked to a point, until it doesn't anymore.

I know this is where I am now. Having done all the research, knowing I don't feel happy, and having to take some action. Having to say my true feelings. Having to say I'm not happy, outloud to someone that won't react well. I know that part is scary. I know my body won't react well.

It hasn't been that bad, I can keep doing what I'm doing for two more years, one more, year, six more months, then some random point I mark with some random time and space marker. I know I convince myself the problem is me. I do this because it's been said to me so many times it has worked.

I know that I should just go and say what I mean. I know I should say that I don't feel like being myself in my house out loud in front of him. I don't because I know I will feel backlash and unsafe after I do. I know how I feel. I don't know how to say how I feel. I know what to do. I don't know how to do it. I know how much I don't know what I want to know. Does that even make sense?

He refuses to listen. He's sober so everything is OK and that is not OK with me. I can't say that. That is what I know. It's so frustrating. I know I need to process all of my resentments but I have no desire to do so BECAUSE he has no desire to listen to that. People will tell me you have to just pull off the bandaid but they don't know what the relationship is like. They don't have to live in the home. It really is the best for my emotional safety right now.

I did tell him I was going to Nashville this weekend and got no reaction. I did tell him that I would like him to come to my mom's 70th birthday lunch, and I don't know how that will go but I'll use it as a test. I know I don't know shit, and that is just not enough.

2026-05-19T08:47:20.487-04:00

May 20 Writing: Universalisms in High Functioning Alcoholism and the Family System

Just because you never hit her doesn’t mean you didn’t abuse her. There is so much of this that rings true. I struggle a lot with the the notion that I have been abused in the traditional sense and in a lot of ways I feel like it would be easier if I he did just hit me. He didn’t mean to, and it’s not manipulation in the traditional sense, but it is abuse. Emotional abuse is complicated and a sort of mind-fuck. The subtlety of this I’m just beginning to come aware of and become aware of little bits of it more and more each day. It’s the not being allowed to be my true self that feels like betrayal. I am learning that I am a pretty awesome person, and I can’t show all of my awesome self at home. Not only can I not share my awesome self at home, but I am forced to be someone else. Someone I don’t recognize. Someone that doesn’t sing in the shower or make art proudly. I don’t like that version of myself. I’m not heard for who I am. I have to compromise myself. I tolerated that for a very long time and I’m not sure how much longer I can tolerate that but I’m also not sure what I should do about it because, as we all say, it’s not THAT bad. But how bad is THAT bad? Where is the line?

I was scheduled to do jury duty tomorrow so I took the day off put in my paid time off and got a sub and left sub plans on my desk. Called them tonight, they dismiss my group, but Fulton County Schools doesn’t know that. They just know I am out tomorrow, so i wasn’t gonna go to school. I was gonna let the sub do the day especially since Wednesday is an extra long day with graduation at the end.

Well Cameron can’t stand this. He tells me he thinks I should go to work since it’s the end of the year. It’s a blackout day (it’s not; Wednesday graduation is and the last day of school is). He tells me to cancel my sub and go to work. It’s his work from home day. It’s actually not, he usually works from the office on Tuesday but I guess he wants to work from home tomorrow and me being home would interfere with those plans. He doesn’t want me home. It feels like sort of the same kind of thing that would happen during active addiction. I would stay home sick and he would convince me I wasn’t sick enough to take off so this feels like that. It was sort of like he was protecting his image. If I stayed home things looked wrong. If I didn’t, everything was fine.

I asked a few teacher friends all of whom said take the day. They won’t call you for jury duty again for another six months and by then my leave will turn over and renew itself. I’m pissed. I’m not pissed enough to say anything to him to overturn the apple cart, but I’m going to pull a 2023 (just keep walking on eggshells) and just pretend like I’m going to work and go other places. Sit in the car, just to avoid conflict. I don’t feel like having this conflict is safe even now. However, it will never be until I bite the bullet and confront. Not today though.

I know that “feelings are never the fault of the person who feels them” but for some reason I feel so cowardly and incomplete. I feel like we are right back to active addiction, me covering up for his shortcomings like nothing is wrong. Feelings may not be the fault of those that feel them, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling them, and that doesn’t stop me from reacting in a way that protects my partner with a problem. Alcohol may be out of the picture, but behaviors aren’t. I am still protecting his feelings, I am still walking on eggshells, I am still avoiding conflict, and that makes me feel like absolute horse shit. If I confront and tell him that it’s my house too and I deserve to be in it for the day, I’m going to face backlash. I’m going to face a lecture that makes me feel like I’m his child and not his partner. I would like to say I am your equal, treat me like an adult. I have just as valid of feelings around my employment status and I am able to make a professional decision around whether or not I take the day off, but at my core I don’t believe that, and that’s because you have made me not believe that with your past words and actions, whether you believe that or not.

If you never apologized, she’s waiting to hear that you’re sorry. And then she’ll need validation.

The truth is he never apologized because he doesn’t know that he did anything wrong. He thought he was controlling the situation. Trying to make both of us look good. I need to hear that you’re sorry. Not just for the pet trauma, but for all of it. I need validation that I’m not less than professionally, that I’m worth being an equal partner. Your criticism is a dagger. It lodges into my skin under my skull and twists until a dull ache forms. The body keeps the score. Chronic pain is a sign of a lack of emotional safety. I woke up this morning with a headache. I went to bed last night with tense muscles in the back of my neck, shoulders and back. Despite breathing exercises and stretching I did. Despite the heating pack I put on after dinner. This is no doubt a sign of chronic stress caused by a direct lack of emotional safety. I realize that now. I didn’t realize that a year ago. I guess that’s progress.

She doesn’t need to just let it go. Trauma doesn’t heal without work. For so long I’ve believed that it was me. I do just need to let it go. That this isn’t trauma. That nothing is wrong. That I am just too sensitive. What is the work? Is the work the work of confrontation? If one person isn’t willing to do the work in the relationship it’s very hard to do the work of both people. My therapist has always said that I haven’t been confronting because my first priority is physical and emotional safety. It’s simply not safe to confront at this stage. When will it be? Ever? It has to be soon because I am at a breaking point. I don’t know how much more pain (emotional or physical) my body can take before it keeps breaking down.

Finally, she might always love you, but if she doesn’t like you, the relationship cannot thrive. The relationship is not thriving. I don’t like you. I might love you. I don’t like you. If I don’t like you the way I don’t like you right now, I can’t thrive, which means we can’t thrive. I can’t tell you things. I’m going to sit and fester until my nervous system whithers to a pulp. I will continue shrinking until I become a shell of the person I once was. I’m starting to see that. I have a long way to go.

Echoes May 6 2026

2026-05-03T19:52:00.004-04:00

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Please tell a story that explains the transition from solid ground to walking on eggshells.

I feel like we talk about nervous system activation, or walking on eggshells, like all humans know what that means. For this prompt, please tell a story or stories that explains, in detail, what that transition is like to go from a regulated, calm nervous system, to suddenly feeling the need to so carefully choose your words or actions to prevent blow back, criticism, emotional abuse, or other forms of trauma. Go slow when telling your story. Please try to be really biologically and cognitively descriptive. Does your pulse quicken? Does your breathing change? Are you hyper-sensitive in any way? Do you want to flee? Please use a real story to express what that transition is like for you.

I’m so angry right now, and I do think it’s because I went from solid ground to walking on eggshells in a matter of minutes. I seem to be doing this a lot lately and it sucks. They say in recovery the partner of an alcoholic doesn't reach their full anger cycle until years after the drinker does their work. That’s where I am, I do believe. It’s been a few years now and I am angry as ever but will never show it due to some fear of blowback, fear of what will happen when I let my eldest daughter freak flag fly. First, some background. I was planning on attending a Japanese Children’s Day event this Sunday, May 3rd. It’s been in the works for months and it happens at the same time every year. My best friend and her husband plan it as a fundraising effort for their children’s school. They attend a dual language immersion Japanese/English school and love it. I’ve been before, mostly by myself in support of them and have the best time. This event is everything that lines up with my values.

I haven’t been taught about values until my recovery work started, but now I see that I am happiest when I do things in my recreational time that are inline with my values. I have become so used to doing things in my recreational time that are on my own that it's a habit, I start walking on eggshells when Cameron wants in on my plans and I dance around feelings and emotions. Last weekend I even told him about the festival and asked him if wanted to be included. He said he would let me know. He didn’t say anything else and I assumed that meant I would be going alone, which was fine by me. We didn’t talk about it all week. I let Maria know I was planning on coming to the festival this Sunday and we got excited about it.

Except now, fast forward to Thursday. I get a text that was sent to both Cameron and I from his sister. She has rented out an entire movie theater for her son’s ninth birthday party. He is inviting some friends to watch the Mario movie. She invited Cameron and I to join the party.

First of all, I’m going to sound extremely judgemental here. Who at nine years old has enough friends that renting out an entire movie theater is a good deal? Is that a thing we are doing now when raising our kids? As a non-parent, I need to know. It seems a little entitled to me. My brother had a birthday party back in the day where he invited five friends to see the movie Twister. We sat in a theater with everyone else and they had a great time. Why are are teaching our kids that we need places to ourself to have time? Why can’t he do something outside on what is going to be a beautiful day? I may just be bitter that this is interfering with my plans and I’m too scared to tell Cameron that because of said eggshells.

Before sobriety, when he was actively addicted to alcohol, he never would have been interested in joining a party of nine year olds and his sister for an afternoon at the movies. I got so used to doing my own thing. Now, after I sent a text to the group chat about having plans with the festival, he told me last night in person that he would really like me to skip the festival and go to the movie theater with them. That’s all he said. Then he walked out of the room.

I said as he was walking out of the room that it’s going to be a lovely day and I don’t wish to spend it in the dark. That is what aligns with my values. I didn’t say he could always go to the party alone. He is more interested in Mario. He is the one that needs to rebuild the relationship and time lost with his sister and nephew and niece. Why do I have to be involved? My shoulders were tense. My jaw was tense. I wouldn’t have recognized these symptoms in myself two years ago. Tonight though, I feel them all. I want to run away. Instead, I freeze and I return to my audiobook and my ink tracing. I disassociate and tune out the world. Except I can’t tune out. I’m ruminating. My head is filling with thoughts. I do the next best thing. I text my best friend, and I text my Echoes friend Hammer. Now my breathing is quicker than it needs to be. I have lost track of what’s going on in my audiobook so I shut it down.

Here’s the text thread that ensued:

Me: Is this what parents are doing now? (Included a screen shot of the movie theater invite from my SIL) Am I wrong for thinking this is weird??? AND it’s Sunday and Cameron is gonna want me to go and I want to go to children’s day and I told him that. DAMN IT.

Maria: Bahahahaha Noooooooo (this is how we usually communicate. We are both teachers and it’s April and testing season. We are mentally done.)

Maria: A movie theater rental is not normal. Also, we don’t know that many ppl to make it worth it.

Maria: We did it once as a PTO fundraiser but that was also serving an Asian school that loves Sonic.

Me: Thank you for validating that. Ah. For a school event I guess that makes sense.

Maria: Tell Cameron he can go.

Me: that’s what I plan to do. I think.

Maria: WoooooooooooHoooooooooooo DAMN. THE. MAN.

Maria: Give the kid a voucher for food or snacks for the movie

Me: He doesn’t need one. They are loaded and she said no gifts. I’m supposed to buy him a box of pasta because that’s all he’s eating at the moment. Damn it he just said he wants me to go to the movie. Shit we are going to fight about this aren’t we.

Maria: GIRL. Just let him know. NO is a full sentence.

Me: I know. But I have guilt from years of high functioning alcoholism and relationship dysfunction. It’s complicated.

Maria: I know. I support whatever decision you make.

Me: I’m a people pleaser and I should be prouder he wants to do shit with his family.

Maria: Just know he owes you.

Me: He does.

Maria: Big.

Maria: He doesn’t want to do shit with his family. This feels like him showing them he’s a functioning adult with a very patient and supportive partner.

Maria: When really…you had plans first.

Me: Yes you are right

Me: He takes advantage of my kindness too much and I’m angry as fuck.

Maria: Then do something with that anger.

Me: I may tell him to go to the party alone to see if he really wants to go.

Maria: I’m sorry. That’s probably not my place.

Me: I just talked about this in therapy.

Maria: I’m angry if you’re angry.

Me: You are speaking the truth.

Maria: Sooooooo I’m happy to join you in the “fuck C” party.

Me: And I love that about you.

Me: When I’m ready I’ll tell you.

Me: I just need the right timing.

Me: Or a swift kick in the ASS.

Maria: You got it!!! I’ll get the popcorn ready. And the guest room. heartface emoji

Me: That’s so sweet of you. You already live with unwanted guests lol.

Maria: Bahahahaha I’d kick her out and keep you LOL.

Me: LOL that means a lot thank you *tearemoji*

Maria: Always!

No, we haven’t talked about it today. Yes, he told me that my closet mess is affecting him. Yes he told me the AC people sent an invoice that I should have gotten. No, I didn’t see an invoice. We are existing on an everyday level of roommate level relationship but we are no where near being a healthy romantic relationship stable couple. I am unable to come off my eggshell walking long enough to broach conflict and he his unable to, well, I don’t know what he’s unable to do. A lot of things. I know my weaknesses. I know that until I get healthy enough to speak my truth, to tell him that I am no longer interested in sitting in a dark room on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon I will not be happy. If I keep lying to myself and saying things like “I’m so glad you’re willing to do things with your family again,” it’s only going to breed the resentment I feel now ten times stronger. Things would be so much easier if I walked away. Things would be so much easier on my own. So what is holding me back?

Currently my whole back feels like it’s made up of a rope smashed together and tied in knots, the kind that forms when you fail to wind a knitting or crocheting yarn ball properly and the ends bind together and you can’t get in undone. I’m so tense you could bounce a quarter off me and have it land on the ground in seconds. I recognize this only when I try, but it feels so normal now. Walking on eggshells dancing around his feelings and trying to make everyone but myself happy isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t, however, know what to do though. I don’t know what makes me happy. If I go to the festival Sunday I will feel nothing but guilt for leaving him behind and he will make me feel more guilty for not supporting his family efforts. If I go to the movie I will feel resentful that I didn’t follow my wishes. Damn being an eldest parentified daughter who has lost the autonomy to decide what is best for herself. This just sucks.

This is what walking on eggshells looks like and feels like for me. Get me out of here.

https://750words.com/stats/RockstarTeacher2024/ZVmccVe8GPL6SUguZzBs

Green Flags: Another Echoes Post

2025-07-12T19:20:00.002-04:00

The Story Writing Workshop is our writing and reading session in Echoes of Recovery. When we write our truth, we go much deeper than when we talk. The Story is all about digging deep to find healing.

We will have our next The Story reading sessions next Wednesday, July 16th.

Morning Call: 9am MDT
Evening Call: 6pm MDT

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Green Flags

We talk a lot in Echoes about missing red flags as we proceeded through our relationships. A huge part of the work of recovery is recognizing the red flags, and making hard decisions about navigating through trauma and chaos.

For this prompt, let's look at the green flags that are trying to lead us toward peace, growth, and self-confidence.

Please write about the non-negotiable truths about yourself that you've discovered. Share things you see in your life - supportive people, peaceful living arrangements, relationships with your kids, job goals/opportunities - that are like green flags guiding you forward. So often when you "choose your hard," you fixate on the challenges, the negatives of the choice. For this prompt, please focus on the positives that motivate your actions. As hard as this all is, you have a lot going for you. Please write about it.

Having trouble finding the time to write? Our Echoes of Recovery participants lead busy lives. But busy is a matter of priorities, and we believe so strongly in the power of writing our stories, that we offer this suggestion if you are having trouble finding time to write. Try the Seven Minute Prompt method. Set a timer for seven minutes, write to the prompt above, and stop wherever you are at the end of the time. No need to edit. Just bring the output from your seven minutes of writing to our session, and read with pride for finding time to squeeze in the writing this week.

On next Wednesday's video calls, we will read our stories to each other. Please be prepared to give and receive relentlessly positive feedback. In The Story Writing Workshops, we reward the vulnerability of our writers.

Early on Wednesday morning, I will send the ZOOM links to join the reading sessions. Please let me know if you have any questions, and we can't wait to hear your stories!

Positive things I see in my life:

1. Echoes retreat was so great for allowing myself to see green flags.

2. Everytime I leave my house, I realize how much I do have to offer the world.

3. I am worthy.

4. Hanging out with badass women help me realize that.

5. Toxic people do not help me realize that.

Green flags guiding me forward?

1. Focus on the small.

2. Go for walks. Always move. It makes me feel better longterm even if I don't feel like it short-term.

It's incredibly difficult tonight to sit down and come up with green flags in my relationship, especially after coming back from the Echoes of Recovery retreat for a week. One of the non-negotiables present at the retreat that I immediately noticed was missing upon my return was that emotional safety that needs to be there to thrive. It was so present in Denver, with Matt and Sheri, with my Echoes sisters (and brother -- didn't forget about you Mike!) that I was caught superiorly off gaurd immediately following my return.

Emotional safety is not waking your partner up after a 1am-6am flight at 10am (after 4 hours of sleep) and asking if she wanted to go eat lunch and grocery shopping. I said I didn't but it didn't matter. He rebutted and said that the best way to counter a red-eye is just to power through and sleep later to get your sleep schedule back on track. (He is the expert on sleep, after all, with narcolepsy and everything.) I didn't fight it. I just didn't want to. I didn't have the urge to. But I couldn't help but feel that my Echoes peeps wouldn't have done that...would they? Do I live in a normal relationship?

It was my fault for not putting my foot down. I felt guilty for leaving for more than a week. I was gone for two. He was lonely. He doesn't function well when he's lonely. I needed to get up and do what he needed to do. So I did. Ugh.

But this writing is supposed to be about green flags. My green flags are I am actually in better shape than I thought I was at this point in my life. I can climb a glacier at 10K feet in the air. My green flags are that I can make conversation with anyone in the room and listen well to anyone telling their story. My green flags are that I do genuinely enjoy listening for the sake of listening and not responding. Thanks for that one, Matt. It takes a good human to point that out to me sometimes.

Other green flags are career related. I've reached leadership positions at school. I can run a classroom confidently, I can help other teachers when needed. I do my part without annoying people and get the job done and move on with my day. I like to think I make the world a better place at work. For everyone.

Green flags are I am able to lose 20 lbs in 6 months and should do that some more. I can get up and walk a few miles every morning and feel great about myself.

I can do that when I'm everywhere else except my own home. I felt that difference dramatically this week. Upon return from the retreat. After having 9 other individuals listen to me with apt attention and not judge, having the ONE person who is supposed to be there for you no matter the circumstances not do shit and make me feel insignificant is a pretty big slap in the face.

And I want to give him credit. He is trying. He's just not there yet. He is unable to be emotionally safe. But for how long to accept the red flags that arent' turned to green flags after six months of true sobriety?

How long does one wait?

I think that's what I am struggling with the most. It's not all bad all the time by any means. After the recent podcast where I just COULD NOT put my finger on the very time it got bad, the drinking turned toxic, because it was a slow burn, I can't put my finger exactly on reasons to stay either. It's very much a grey zone.

Green flags include: I do feel amazing about myself when I am BY MYSELF or with safe other people.

When I am doing my thing and making my decisions for the most part, I am thriving. That should be all the information I need, but of course relationships that last for 14 years are not that simple.

It should not be ALL about YOU anymore. We should be moving on. Getting health(ier). I fear that I am getting healthier and growing at a faster rate. I don't want to be pulled back into you vortex of toxicity like I have been for the last five years. (Although I didn't realize that's where I was at the time.)

Non-negotioables include: You will not make fun of my food, my clothing, or anything that make me feel emotionally unsafe. You will respect me as human being.

Non-negotiobales include: Treating me as if I were your equal. With the same respect you have for yourself (except this is not ok because you probably have very little respect for yourself, and thus feel the same about me.)

Non-negotiables include: You will tell me and have a basic conversation about your day. Everyday. I don't think that's too much to ask.

If I can't get that from you, I do think I have the right to go elsewhere. If only that were so easy.

Songs for Recovery: An Echoes

2025-06-26T11:26:00.001-04:00

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: What song moves you (or gets you moving)?

Music can be such a vital part of our recovery and discovery progress. Sometimes the lyrics of song sound like they were written specifically about our situation. Other times the rhythm or beat or cadence or melody or chorus of a song stirs something inside of us. For this week's prompt, please pick a song that is important to you, and tell us why. Is there inspiration in the lyrics? Does the song lift you up and help remind you that you are going to be OK? And you don't have to narrow this to one song. Please share about several songs if several songs are important to you.

7 minute prompt

2025-06-18T09:34:00.001-04:00

The term, "recovery," is a little misleading, I think. Recovery insinuates that we are going back to status from the past (like when you recover the data from a hard drive). The fact is that anyone who successfully recovers from the alcoholism of a loved one is a new and different version of themself. Who would want to go back to being that person who was susceptible to gaslighting, denials, and manipulation? We want to move forward.

Please write about a story from your recent past that shows where you are going moving forward. Maybe you had a positive interaction with someone. Maybe you were calm in a situation that previously activated your nervous system. Maybe you pursued something with a sense of determination not previously available. Maybe your story goes in a different direction entirely. Please tell us a story that points you in a certain direction for the future.

While I agree with the idea that recovery is misleading, that we have to move forward to discover who we are, I think recovery is sometimes an appropriate term because we do have to look to the past to correct the mistakes an painful instances in order to move forward.

While I'd like to believe that we are not living in the past, we have to try actively and assertively NOT to live in the past, I am a new and different person everyday. How am I a new and different person everyday?

I'm not sure. But I do know that last weekend, one weekend I had free, I chose to drive to Chattanooga BY MYSELF so I didn't have to sit and do nothing in the house with a partner that chooses to be miserable. While I was pretty miserable Friday, I can accept that he is NOT doing the work while I am. As frustrated as that makes me, I do have to believe that I can not change him. Only he decides that he gets to do the work. And if it's been two years and he's still choosing to be miserable, I have do something with that information. If it's leave town and protect my emotional safety for the weekend, that is what I will do.

Some will say I'm avoiding the truth. Some will say I'm procrastinating. I did end up calling a lawyer "just in case" last weekend. I haven't done anything with that information besides just let it sit with me, but I guess I'm at piece with the knowledge that I did it.

Another way I have move forward is that I know now everything that comes out of his mouth may be a form of manipulating me into doing what he wants to do. And while I don't have any control over that, I don't have to blindly follow that shit show. I can walk away. While I know that standing up to it and calling it out will only end in him projecting back at me, I know I can walk away at any time.

And I know that specificity makes writing better, but for now I'm going to leave things vague. I think I've grown forward by knowing that I don't have to act right away. That I can sit with things and let them stew. That I can move at my own pace. I do reach out for help with safe people. That there is no such thing as perfect though I don't always practice but always come around to realizing. We are all works in progress.

Set the Record Straight: Another Echoes Post

2025-05-22T14:47:00.003-04:00

The writing prompt for today's sessions is: Set the Record Straight

A hallmark universalism of being the loved one of an alcoholic is remembering things differently from the recollection of your drinker. Sometimes you are told your memory is incorrect because the drinker really does have an alcohol-warped memory that is cloudy and hazy and simply untrue, or at least different. Sometimes you are told your memory is incorrect because your drinker is in denial, and while your drinker might not remember, they tell you that you are wrong as a knee-jerk deflection or denial, because your version of the truth conflicts with the person the drinker wants to be. The conflicting memories cause further trauma above and beyond the traumatic events you lived through.

This is your chance to set the record straight, maybe not with your drinker, but in a clear and written out permanent record. Please take one (or two or three) incident from your swirling and painful memory, and set the record straight. Tell what happened, how you showed up and tried to limit that damage, and the resulting aftermath. Put it in writing. This prompt is less about us learning your dark secrets, and more about you getting the pain out of your head and into a written form where you truth can live for you to reference anytime you need a reminder of the facts.

Free yourself. Write about it. Set the record straight.

Comparisons: An Echoes Writing Prompt

2025-05-06T06:25:00.001-04:00

No matter what your situation, you can surely think of other people who have it worse. Is that comparison holding you back? Or did it in the past? Please write about how comparisons to other either used to, or still do, prevent you from making the next right move.

It's the controlling for me

2025-04-29T20:48:00.002-04:00

Came home from family group.

C was in the kitchen, frying plantains.

I said hello.

He told me we have chicken thighs. I said OK.

He told me he was only going to use soy sauce and ginger to cook them. It would be an experiment.

The air frier is new as of yesterday.

He kept commenting about how cheap the thighs were. All of this for $6.

I said OK.

He then asked me if I wanted to cook the chicken.

I instictively sick of his shit said "I don't want to cook here where you're going to tell me 20 things I did wrong."

And I said I need to decompress from the day.

I needed go upstairs.

I didn't ask him to cook. I said I didn't want to.

I went upstairs to close the door.

And listen to music and crochet alone.

He screams upstairs that I locked the cat out.

I let her in.

20 min go by and he comes upstairs, opens the door and tells me that he does not want the chicken, and that if I'm not going to eat it he's going to throw it out.

Who does that?

He just bought it today.

Raw chicken thighs.

I said I may not cook it today but I will cook it tomorrow. I know he goes to aftercare group tomorrow and I will have the kitchen to himself so he can't point out my 100 mistakes while cooking the chicken.

He doesn't like that answer, but goes downstairs.

I know he wanted me to come downstairs so he could rant at me about his day.

He doesn't care about what I have to say about anything anymore. I don't live in an equal partnership and I don't feel heard.

I spoke my truth by saying "I don't want to cook the chicken now so you can point out what I'm doing wrong."

Fuck me though if this isn't what it's like being in the aftermath of an alcoholic relationship.

If I do go down and cook the chicken now that he isn't there he's just going to complain that I didn't clean properly.

I'm so done. Soo SOO done.

I'm so done being controlled.

She used to be mine

2025-04-25T20:26:00.001-04:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2sow2WYQNQ&list=RDN2sow2WYQNQ&index=1

Addiction and alcoholism robbs you of your ability to see you. The you you used to be. Does it not? Is there a reason I cry everytime I listen to this song?

I'm not pregnant and don't intend to be.

but messy and kind?

I don't recognize me?

thst place and its patrons have taken more than I've gave them (school and home)

I'm imperfect and I try

I am good

But lie

I am hard on myself

I am broken and won't ask for help

I am messy and I am kind

I am lonely most of the time

I am the partner of an alcoholic of 13 years.

I am gone

I used to be me.

[Verse 1]
It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them

[Verse 2]
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

[Chorus]
She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

[Verse 3]
And it's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a backdoor
And carves out a person
Who makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you

See upcoming pop shows

Get tickets for your favorite artists

Cognitive Dissonance: Echoes of Recovery April 23 Discussion Writing

2025-04-22T06:33:00.003-04:00

Cognitive dissonance doesn't really occur between two people. The term describes one individual holding two different beliefs about the same situation. But I want to use the idea to prompt us to write. Have you been in a situation where the facts, the truth, the situation seems so clear and tangible to you, but your partner sees it or saw it in a completely different way? This can be particularly challenging when you otherwise respect your partner's intelligence and instincts. But in this one case, you are dealing with or dealt with opposing realities.

Please write about how that made you feel. Did you doubt yourself? Did you worry about your partner? Did it cause conflict? Please try to remember a situation where the "cognitive dissonance" between the two of you was particularly acute. How did you deal with it in the moment, and what lessons could you now apply if you relived there situation?

Yes. All of this yes. Cognitive dissonance everyday allday. Do I doubt myself daily? Yes. Do I worry about him daily? Yes. Did it cause conflict, yes. This is what the disease has done to me. Daily. When I talk about and think about it on a practical level and a general level, yes, this disease is all about cognitive dissonance. For one, I don't think he thinks there's a problem in our relationship. I don't think he's experienced enough pain, and that's my first point of dissonance. I haven't done enough to make sure he knows that there is a problem. But there is. I don't feel good. I don't feel fufilled. Sure he may not be drinking anymore, but is he happy? Does that affect my mood? You bet it does.

Let's talk about what happened in family group last week. I was crocheting. The group leader had her dog in the room. It isn't a therapy dog, but she's using it as a general support and mood booster. Daisy is cute. The group looks forward to her presence when it happens. As someone was sharing, the dog started attacking my yarn. I started fighting back. It was comical. I pulled she pulled. The owner got embarrassed and put her out, back in her crate upstairs. I felt bad. I felt bad for the group. I immediately shame spiraled. The group will be so mad at me. They love the dog. I shouldn't have tempted her. I shouldn't have brought my yarn. It was all my fault.

I know logically that this isn't what they were thinking. But this is what the disease of alcoholism has done to me. This is the reality I'm living in. I'm always guilty. If he had been there, in family group, he would have said it was my fault. I shouldn't have been crocheting, I should have been more present in the moment. I should have been more attentive to the dog. It is always my fault. Even when it isn't. I can't get out of that way of thinking. Is that cognitive disonance? Is it that I'm always thinking one thing about myself even if other people aren't thinking it? If they've said it once in anger or drunkeness it's truth. Well that's bullshit.

Cognitive dissonance is him doing laundry last night.

Hear me out.

One of his triggers is eating dinner on the couch while watching TV now. Its what we used to together during active addiction for him. He used to drink there. So now he eats upstairs and I eat downstairs. Lonely, but whatever. I cope.

But yesterday as he was cooking he asked me if I wanted to watch the show we'd been watching (THE PITT on HBO) while he folded the laundry.

Except I heard "Do you want to fold laundry while we watch the show." And I reacted. I shouldn't have reacted, but I reacted. WHY WOULD I WANT TO FOLD THE LAUNDRY.

SO he reacted.

I SAID I WOULD FOLD THE LAUNDRY DON'T GET SO UPSET.

But he used to tell me to fold the laundry all the time in active addiction. It's one of those behaviors I have resisted. I don't fold his laundry anymore. He used to get so upset when I wouldn't fold it the way he wanted me to. The "right" way. So I don't do it anymore.

Anyway. He folded the laundry standing up making me nervous while we watched the show, then finished dinner, ate upstairs and I ate later.

This is how we live now.

He thinks it's normal.

He doesn't have a problem with it.

I am left feeling as if I'm less than.

I shouldn't. But I do.

I haven't said this outloud to him.

For fear of a lot of things.

This is the prime example of cognitive dissonance, am I right?

Inconsistency: An Echoes of Recovery Post in the making (Due April 9)

2025-04-03T18:10:00.001-04:00

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: What about my own inconsistency?

Dealing with alcoholism means dealing with chaos and trauma. The only thing that is consistent in an alcoholic relationship is inconsistency. For some, this means dealing with meanness. For others, it means dealing with silence. Sometimes inconsistency manifests as dishonesty and gaslighting, while other times it shows up as manipulation and blame shifting. One thing is for sure: if you have dealt with alcoholism, you are familiar with inconsistency.

But what about your own inconsistency? Is there room for your moods to change based on hormonal shifts, workload imbalance, sleep disruption, quick and easy food choices, or even things like a sunny versus a cloudy day? Humans all have some level of inconsistency. Is there room for yours?

Please write about a specific example of a time when you reacted one way, but later, when your mood shifted, you reacted in a different way. Was there room for your inconsistency?

I'm sure I can come up with a hundred times my mood shifted and I reacted in a different way.

There is the inconsistency of wanting to have my shit together but always having it sprayed all over my home office floor.

There's the inconsistency of wanting to have two weeks planned of instruction but consistently working by flying by the seat of my pants and planning day by day. That shit is exhausting but at this point the only way my trauma-laden brain works.

There's the inconsistency of knowing exercise and walking would make me feel better but choosing to take a nap instead becuase I am just so damn exhausted all the time.

I suppose there is even the inconsistency of wanting to fly far far away but knowing that's more work than its worth. Would I even be happy far far away or is that just "Running away" and creating more drama for myself?

Is there room for mine?

That's a tricky question.

I have room for my own inconsistency? Isn't that why my therapist tells me to be kind to myself? Certainly working out all kinds of inconsistencies in my brain warrants allowing myself to do so.

Is there room for them in my house? Certainly not. The moment I waffle on any of these topics, the judgement comes in from my alcohoic partner.

He's so sick of himself that the moment I waffle in indecision I hear things like "Make up your fucking mind" and "are you sure?"

Even things like "You don't know what you want so don't put that on me."

So mostly I just sit with my inconsistency and try to live with it. Even if alcohol wasn't involved, I would still be inconsistent.

I think this prompt is hard to write to knowing that its going to public because:

Don't we spend our lives trying to hide our inconsistencies and not have them brought up to the public?

Isn't inconsistency considered a flaw?

One of those flaws that will get you outcast in the game of life?

I think I hid a lot of my inconsistencies from myself!

I'm having a hard time pulling them up here.

I'm having a hard time pulling an indivudal one time incident up.

You certainly don't get a head in the education world by being inconsistent.

You go in each day with the same set of expectations for the same group of students or you get your ass walked over and then judged by your superiors. "The good teachers do anyway." Whatever that means. I, by all means, am not a good teacher. I am in inconsistent teacher. So pardon me if inconsistent brings up some bile. Probably why I'm not that great at my job either.

I'm certainly inconsistent with expectations but I have my reasons.

And I don't share them with Cameron anymore and I don't share them with my boss -- but it seems to be working my current setting.

When I think about it, there is only fucking room to be fucking perfect when you are living with an alcoholic, is that right? Any inconsistency I posess I have to sweep out of the way until the alcoholic is out of sight and out of mind.

Any inconsistency I display gets the cold shoulder or the screaming treatment and judged unfairly.

Any at all and I'm not worthy to be human. Has that been the problem all along? Is that what this question wanted me to explore?

I'm exhausted.

John Green on living with OCD, his teenage goth phase, and his new book ...

2025-04-02T18:43:00.001-04:00

Echoes of Recovery Writing: Turning Points and Mindset Shifts

2025-03-30T21:20:00.001-04:00

I would like to say I have had some big mindset shifts lately, but in reality I don't really think I have and that is probably why I'm sitting here on a Tuesday night trying to write to this prompt at 10:20 pm. I don't usually stay up this late, but I find myself here for tonight because I just need a little more time awake and to myself. Time that is just mine. Not time that I'm answering emails or grading or helping students or stressing about a problem with a student at work.

Not one that is Cameron's either. I need to learn how to throw that shit back at hime better, according to family group. He has to take control of his recovery.

In talking to another spouse of an addict and alcoholic tonight, one who is much farther along on her journey than I am, she told me that she told her husband that he makes her feel small and she's not willing to make herself feel small at the expense of their marriage. And I thought that was a really bold move.

Of course, then she said she did that in couple's therapy, and I felt like that was a wise choice to say that with a third party present. It is safer that way.

I have been feeling small around Cameron for years. That was how his alcoholism and alcoholic behavior has affected me. The difference in my mindset here is that I have never said that to his face. I have yelled and whined and screamed and tantrumed that he needs to leave me alone, and I've faught with him over little things, but is this really what is at the root of the issue?

I think the mindset shift comes when we partners and loved ones realize the toll it has taken on our own sense of self and self-esteem or self-worth. Cameron has spent so much time convincing me that I have a problem. I have a problem with cleanliness, housekeeping, and organizaiton. I have a problem with listening and never listen well. I have been listening to this shit for years it has become so ingrained in me that I am not worth the sack of shit you can bury me in. I am not worth the time I give myself to take a shower or comb my hair in the morning.

But the mind has started to shift. I've started to become aware of the way alcohlics manipulate. And Cameron's was so subtle. In fact, it is so subtle that I'm not even sure he knows what he's doing. He hasn't been doing the work I've been doing.

But it's my fault for NOT TELLING HIM.

But if I told him I feel small around him and that's his alcoholic behavoir his response would be "but I can't make you feel anything, you're doing this to yourself."

I wish I had a third party to intervene and listen to the way we treat each other. But I know he's not ready for couple's work. He's five therapy sessions in to a new therapist and refuses to go to AA or do any kind of group work.

The mindset shift now has to become loving myself enough to recognize when he's treating me like garbage.

And to gently remind him that I don't talk to people that talk to me that way.

It's so easy to do on paper.

It's so hard to do in them moment.

The reaction is usually to avoid conflict and leave the room.

Or leave the house and go for a drive.

But that isn't going to help the situation.

The mindset shift has to be to let him know his words hurt and to request that he not speak to me like that.

And to hope that the words "you're just too sensitve" don't get thrown around.

My dad always made sure I was the tough one. He didn't raise a princess.

But the truth is that words hurt, and that is important to recognize.

No one teaches us how to be in a healthly relationship.

There. I'm done for the night. Now I have to try to sleep.

Journaling for some self-care

2025-03-30T21:18:00.001-04:00

Living in an alcoholic relationship with a dry drunk is not for the weak, y'all!

I finished prepping for Monday and Tuesday

I spent "family time" with Cameron's mother and sister, with Barry and the kids and a little bit with Megan's partner Josie.

Friday afternoon Cameron told me his mother and her boyfriend were coming over and told me I didn't really have to be there. So I didn't come home until after they left. I set up a cocoon in the back of my car and lay down and had my virtual appaointment with Karri. Karri has been my therapist for some rediculous amount of time like 10 years. Or almost ten years. She always makes me feel better about life.

After that Cameron texted me about bringing home dinner for us and said his parents had already left.

Which relieved me. I didn't want to make small talk but I didn't want to pick up dinner either. We have so much food at home. It felt a little like old alcoholic behavior of past years. So many times five years ago he would ask me to pick up 12 pack of something and I reluctantly said yes because I didn't know or was in denial about how dire the circumstances were.

I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he said it was my choice. But it's never my choice. Wings were on the way home so I stopped there.

By the time I got home there was something wrong with my choice. Too little heat or soggy wings or not enough sides.

He grabbed his portion and went up stairs and I had my portion of dinner and I watched a movie downstairs and by the time the movie was half over I was tired. It was 8:30 on a friday and after being up since 5 I was a mess. I went to bed.

Cameron came in at 11:30 to wake me up from a full slumber to tell me that my sleep machine was making noise and he could hear it from another room.

Told me to do something about it.

Nevermind the fact that he could wear headphones. He could close his door. But it's always my problem.

Woke up Saturday -- before Cameron, he doesn't sleep, but go up and had my tea and finished the movie I started. Took a walk. Read my book. Got some work stuff done.

Cameron wakes up at 12 and demands we go to Home Depot to look at storm doors. Says his mom is paying for them. Whatever. I go with him because I don't want an argument and want to seem agreeable. We grab tacos around the corner for lunch.

He doesn't want to eat there despite me saying I do. We get it to go.

He buys flowers at Home Depot because he wants bees in the yard as pollinators.

We go back home. I have to chaperone prom in Atlanta that night and am meeting a group of teachers for dinner before hand.

I take a nap because I know it's going to be a long night.

I put on a dress and Cameron criticizes it. Tells me I look frumpy and asks if I have a better one.

I say this is comfortable and leave.

I'm early to Atlanta so I browse a nearby bookstore before going to Felinis with my crew.

At dinner I suffer through conversation with teachers that can't turn off work on a Saturday night. I lament having genuine conversations instead of ones where people complain about coworkers I actually connect with.

Mentally make a note to avoid these people at work this week.

We go to prom, it was actually a lovely event, kids have fun, look amazing, and are well behavied for prom.

I come home and the first thing Cameron says is that Miso heard my erratic driving. He heard me pull up and said I was loud pulling in.

It's midnight and I go to sleep.

Mind you, I could have spent the night at my parents becuase they were much closer to the event last night, but I didn't becuase Cameron said he wanted to check out tomoatoes in the morning.

So when I wake up, we go to his sisters and do tomoato shopping.

I said I didn't want a repeat of last year. I didn't want 50 plants sit unused and die before they get planted.

Cameron got so mad. He told me that that was before rehab and he wouldn't do that and not to bring that up.

He told me not to rehash bad situations.

I am ready to resentment process.

He is not.

He is so full of shame.

He is so full of shame and he doesn't realize it.

Cameron's mother told me tonight that she thinks he's doing better from an interaction standpoint, that he was able to talk to her this weekend in a nicer form. She only sees him twice a year. Of course it's going to be performative.

She told me she likes talking to me becuase Cameron is just like his father.

It dawned on me then that this family is steeped in generational alcoholic behavior and they don't realize it.

She is SO USED to being put down by her husband before he died and by her son, and even by her daughter, who is mean as a snake.

It saddens me even further after what I know about generational trauma.

I want Cameron to embrace recovery.

I want him to be nicer.

He is just not capable of it.

And even today with the comment about food and snapping at me and saying "this is just what people talk about"

Which is another form of "you're the one with the problem."

He said it had nothing to do with me.

Another version of you're too sensitive.

So no, I won't bring up bigger issues.

I won't bring up how he makes me feel small.

He's not ready.

But I'm ready to walk away.

Quietly.

I'm ready for my self-worth to not be attacked anymore.

Aimee Carty- Child Again (Official Lyric Video)

2025-03-28T21:18:00.000-04:00

Y'all. She did it. Again. This young singer/songwriter has me in tears and never ceases to amamze me. Beautiful.