Since When is it Illegal to be an Asshole?

The Onion Theory

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 16:43:00 -0500

Some women think they want a bad boy. Some want the nice guy. Some want to date one and marry the other, and some want a man who is driven, independent, and focused. But when they get what they think they want they are never satisfied. Women want an onion.

Men want the women who are beautiful, smart, sassy, and unpredictable. The women who come from good families. Before I continue, notice I did say beautiful first. A woman can have everything going for her, but if she is not attractive I will not approach her. Do you know what we call a girl who is not attractive? A friend, if they are lucky.

Does this make me shallow? Some of you might say yes, but I beg to differ. Is it wrong that as a twenty-something I want it all? We can't be jaded by our exes. When we date them we think they are perfect. That they have depth and layers to them, but once we get out of our relationship we wonder, are our expectations too high?

No, not at all. Do these women exist? Yes. Being men we still want our friends to be envious of who we are with, but what we really want is for them to be envious of what we see naked nightly. This makes me a realist.

A girl wants the guy who can sit home on a Sunday afternoon, watch football with her father and drink a few beers. However, of course this isn't all we can be. We can be so much more. We need to be more. We need to exist in layers.

As much as women want us to hunt and go to war, they also desire the man they can bring home to mom. We need to be able to help her mother set the table, take out the trash, clean the dishes and to do these tasks without being asked. We need to hold the door, be gentlemen. We also need to be sensitive enough to comfort our girlfriends and talk about their feelings.

Most of these traits we must perform exist on a continuum and cannot all exist at the same time. It’s difficult to be one of the guys and talk about her feelings simultaneously. However, the key to life and love is balance.

It is our ability to seemingly integrate these roles we must play that makes us attractive to women. Some of us are blessed. We come from good families, have looks and intelligence and we can be somewhat Machiavellian in the way we understand the opposite sex. This gift is our curse. Being a great guy leads to only wanting one thing: The Perfect Woman. We want the Holy Grail of sex, the personality, and intelligence all rolled into one.

We want an onion.

A female friend recently told me after I broke up with my ex, that it wasn't as bad as it seemed. She explained I am able to play all the parts. I have all of the layers and would have no problem finding that mythical female. However, this is where she is wrong. You don’t need to play the part, you are the part, you are that guy. Now be an onion and show your layers.

"I Won't Ever Have Sex With You"

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 08:53:00 -0500

For the past week or so I've been spending time with a female friend. She actually could not be better suited for me, but until last night I never really considered the possibility of it going anywhere. Whenever I first meet a girl and I'm sober, I actually really enjoying talking to her. I enjoy getting to know someone and the conversations that evolve during the process. The conversations allow me to see if she is a real person or if she is only going to serve for the purpose of sexual release.

Last night I was over her place and we were studying. Our relationship thus far has been purely amiable, but last night she made a comment that made me realize it might be taking an unexpected turn.

I left her place late last night and we resumed talking when I arrived home. My game was on and I had been untouchable all night. It's the oldest cliche, but just being yourself works the best, well when you're awesome like me at least. The words were flowing out of me and I was in my zone. There was nothing she could do to slow down this train and in an instant she became a deer in the headlights and so we will call her Bambi.

Guys pick up girls in various ways. We pick them up with our looks, charm, wallet, celebrity status, humor. Not me. I pick up girls with my words. By talking to me girls feel instantly comfortable. If you are one of my victims then you know what I am talking about. I can sit and talk and the conversation flows endlessly, get a little liquor in me and I'm even sharper. It's not a trick however, it is genuine. I engage in conversation. I find a way for it to flow to a place which I consider my comfort zone and before you know it you are telling me your deepest darkest secrets you never told anyone, let alone someone you hardly know. (You have probably been with someone before who has done the exact same thing to you.)

Is it wrong? No.
Why? Because I'm not opening you up and allowing you to be vulnerable to expose and use you. I do it because I am genuinely interested what you have to say. Once I can direct the conversation into sexual experiences and preferences, women become intrigued and enamored. They don't even realize how the conversation went from law exams to sexual positions and partners.

Last night after arriving home Bambi said to me, "its funny...certain guys have a gift with conversation....and they can really make you tell them all your deepest darkest secrets...well not make you but just make it easy to offer."

What is so riveting about Bambi mentioning this, is that she was well aware of what was occurring and how she was telling me everything about herself, but it didn't stop her. She was too caught up in the conversation to slow down.

Her next comment to me was, "we can never have sex, you know far too much about me now. I won't ever have sex with you."

Now this rather seemingly harmless conversation was never about us having sex, nor did I ever proposition her or imply I was interested. However, being a man, I'm not going to turn down sex from a very attractive female either.

Unfortunately for her, by telling me she will never have sex with me she folded her hand. I knew exactly the cards she had been dealt and bluffing wouldn't take her any farther. I now had the upper hand and knew we would absolutely have sex the next time I saw her. Now some of you may be confused so I will slow down and explain.

Whenever a girl tells you she will not have sex with you, she has every intention to sleep with you, unless you are a stalker, rapist, molester, etc.

The reason a girl says she won't sleep with you is simple and obvious, it is a defense mechanism. Bambi may not realize she was the one who brought up sex entirely on her own, but by bringing it up I now knew the seed was planted in her head. The only difference is now she seems to think I actually believe we won't ever have sex and so I let her think this. The reason she told me that we won't be having sex is because it allows her to gather enough self respect that she doesn't feel like she made herself too easy for me. This way she can pretend I still have to work for it.

The conversation had flowed exactly where I wanted it to and when talking about sex, an extremely personal topic girls become excited. When the conversation began I honestly was not thinking about having sex with her, but as I stated in the beginning, I'm a guy and when a smoking girl is offering, I'm not one to shy away. While I didn't intend for the conversation to go as far as it went, I pushed down on the accelerator and let it ride, when right in front of my eyes there it was, a deer in the headlights.

In a way many of you may feel that my approach where girls open up to me is cheating, corner cutting or just downright wrong. Well it's not. Some guys simply get laid for looks or money. Is it so wrong to use my god given abilities? If your greatest talent was playing an instrument, would you not play at the highest level you could?

My greatest talent is my words and my pen. I never said I don't like the women, I never said I couldn't see a future with them, all I do is use the skills I have to reach the highest level. Yes I get women to tell me their deepest darkest secrets and then the rest can develop from there.

I use the cards I've been dealt and that's what life is all about, putting your best foot forward.

Sometimes It's Best to Say No

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 15:30:00 -0500

We have all been in relationships. Sometimes we date for love, sex, attraction, loneliness, convenience. Sometimes we settle down with someone because we've been seeing them so long we see no reason why we shouldn't take the next step. And sometimes we get so lost in our relationships we lose sight of who we are and what we stand for.

Most people are too proud to admit they lose sight of who they are, what their beliefs are and how they want to live their lives. Maybe it's something minuscule we change such as movies we see. Maybe it's something larger such as dietary habits or changing our sleeping schedule so we can find a way to spend more time with someone causing us to be exhausted the following day.

The problem is people become too afraid to tell the ones they love no. They are afraid that they need to be there for them and do everything for them within their control. When someone lets you do everything for them, they don't actually care about you, they care about what you can do for them. That my friends is not love.

Today I got to thinking about all of the things I've done wrong in relationships. This is probably surprising to most of you, but in terms of relationships and love I am very good to the women I've loved. However, I am not good to myself.

Today while talking to friend in NYC, I asked him how his girlfriend was and his response to me was this, "I don't think she's doing well, but I'm not really sure. I decided the most important thing in my life is me right now." I was pretty impressed to hear him say this. It's not that he doesn't care about her anymore, it's that he knows he needs to be his number one priority.

It's important to recognize when your relationship isn't working anymore and when you realize it, stop trying to make it work. Unless you have a child or you're married, you don't need to be with this person. I know, she's incredible in bed or there's no one out there like him, or you'll never understand our connection.....I've heard it all. I don't believe in quitting and too often that mentality has found me in trouble. No one wants to say this isn't working anymore, no one generally wants to move on, but sometimes it's the most important thing because once we are aware we are changing, we start to lose a little of ourselves every day. We stop liking ourselves.

With the holiday season quickly approaching no one wants to be alone. People searching for love and companionship this time of year is as typical as women hiding their fat under sweaters and men growing beards. Don't date someone or rush into a relationship because you want someone to snuggle with or you'll find a year or two down the road the person isn't good for you and you don't necessarily like yourself. Instead be with your friends and your family. They are your support system and as much as we neglect the ones who love us, they are the most dependable.

Next Blog: "you know you have a drinking problem when....."

Afternoon Delight

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 12:16:00 -0400

What has happened to the art of casual sex? After college sex is no longer just sex. It becomes, where is this going? Do you have feelings for me? Are you going to take me to dinner? Why can't a guy or girl simply text each other and say, "I'm horny, my place after work?"

Everyone wants to be having it, everyone loves it. Lets consider the positive effects:
1. improved self-confidence
2. there is no better feeling
3. Reduces stress

There is no better feeling than some old fashion P in V action. God's original toys. Toy 1: Penis, Toy 2: Vagina A long lunch break, a quickie before dinner. Casual sex doesn't have to be slutty. There are really no negatives. Wear a condom if it makes you feel better and take the pill if you're worried about getting knocked up.

If you are sitting around today, bored, lazy, horny, spice up your day a little. No need to result to a vibrator and a firm hand. Combine your powers.

The major concern with casual sex is the initiation. How often do you sit around and want to text someone, "my place after work." I don't care if you are in a relationship or married for 50 years, we all want sex. Everyone is so afraid of what the other person will respond. Don't be afraid because deep down we all want it and who knows, they might say yes.

Sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight! AFTERNOON DELIGHT

Some girls need a good hard jackhammering

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 10:32:00 -0400

Hey guys, been very busy but read this article and I could not get it up here fast enough. If all you do is skim, make sure to read some of the key points.

http://brosome.com/what-women-really-want-from-men/

I Like My Girls With Low Self Esteem

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 22:21:00 -0400

Over a year ago I met this smoking hot girl at a bar. She hated me then even more than she does now. Most sexual relationships are built on a strong foundation of hatred and attraction, which they should be. Either hatred which turns you on to them or hatred where you really want to hurt them in the bedroom with rough sex. Often they go hand in hand.

One night when at a club in South Beach with three friends, one girl and two duds, my two boys were murdering me with boredom. I drank and I drank, but I hit that point where if I consumed an additional 10 or 20 drinks I was still going to feel just as sober.

One of my good buddies known as Seafood because he sees food he eats it, was texting with two girls who ending up meeting us out. I was ready to leave the club before even walking in so when I met the two bombshells I extended my hand, said nice to meet you and turned right back around to the bar to see if I could beat this soberness.

The girls were offended I did not hang around and talk longer, but I was so sober I could have driven a car in reverse while weaving in and out of traffic blindfolded and jerking off with my feet; and let's get to the real point, who wants to talk to a girl sober? I continued to drink hoping that I could turn this night around. Evidently, my boredom worked in my favor on this off night and I accidentally intrigued one of the ladies.

My lack of interest in Bombshell #1 was an optical allusion because I truly was interested. When approaching such a bombshell I generally would have been quickly shot down, but that night I was so bored and in such a horrible mood that it worked to my advantage.

Those of you men needing help in the pussy crushing department take some advice. The trick is to intrigue the girl and hold her interest. Be mysterious and not in a Val Kilmer in Batman Forever kinda way. Be mysterious enough that she is questioning why is this guy not talking to me? Is there something wrong with my outfit? Can he do that much better than me?

For those of you who don't know how to make a girl feel this way, here is a move of mine that I find works more often than not. I generally do not believe in buying a girl a drink, but most of you don't know how to approach a girl unless you do so here is your exception:

When you see a girl you're interested in about to order a drink, walk up next to her and do the same. Tell her you need to put a minimum on your credit card and want to close out and she would she be doing you a great service if she ordered a drink on your tab. When talking to most girls their first thought is, "when is he leaving" so this approach works well because she knows you won't be hanging around. After buying her the drink walk away immediately. She is instantly intrigued and slightly offended you don't stay to talk. The rest of the night when she sees you, she is going to be wondering, why didn't he want to talk to me?

Luckily for me, the fact I had an off night intrigued Bombshell #1 enough that she wanted to know more about me. Most guys like girls with low self esteem. It's because the less they think of themselves the more interested they become in you.

A few weeks later I was out and ran into Bombshell #1. This time I once again didn't show much interest because I was in the middle of talking with a friend. Rarely am I able to play it so cool with a girl as out of this world attractive as she is, but with her I was able to do it twice. Later that night a bunch of us found ourselves getting a 3 am meal and she came along. We got to talking and it became evident how bothered she was that I had previously blown her off. Bombshell #1 has extremely high self esteem, but I was able to temporarily lower it resulting in her on-going interest, exactly what you should all be aiming for.

Too often girls like to toot their own horn and think their shit doesn't stink. They think, oh some guy bought me a drink so I'm hot shit. Well guys do yourselves and all females a favor. If their self confidence is too high, lower it for them. Believe me no one wants to date a stuck up bitch and she doesn't want to date a little pussy either, so don't be a pushover.

Question for the Ages

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 00:15:00 -0400

This weekend I'm going out with some friends. Bunch of guys and bunch of girls. Not everyone is acquainted with one another and so the only question when meeting new people has surfaced. Are your friends hot?

Whenever a guys ask girls if their friends are attractive the answer is always yes and more often than not we are disappointed. We all know the story they say, "she is cute" or "she is so funny, best personality ever. You will love her." What our female friends don't seem to understand is men do not go out at night looking to make friends with girls. When I ask a girl if her friend is hot the only answers that are of any relevance to me are "is your friend dtf" (down to fuck) and she is hot enough.

Now some of you are sitting there thinking Ben's a pig. Well, I don't hide what I am ladies. I have great friends and I'm not looking to make any more. I don't want a girlfriend and I pity the fool who does. You see love is the greatest myth on Earth. People buy into it because they need that feeling of self worth as I have mentioned so many times before.

Ladies take my advice, the biggest misconception in your brain when you go out at night, is where should the night go. You all go out to have a great time, dance, maybe meet some new people.

Guys objective: Get laid and if we don't the night is a failure.

So ladies, when your guy friend asks you if your friend's are hot just give him the answer he needs, "enough".

If you give a mouse a cookie.....

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Wed, 7 Jul 2010 00:00:00 -0400

This weekend my buddy and I had dinner with his Grandmother and after one drink she should have been sent home. Her vulgarity and blood alcohol levels were off the charts. So off the charts what I am about to type may make some of you uncomfortable. However, if you read my blog you already know this feeling occurs frequently.

CAUTION PROCEEDING: THIS BLOG IS VULGAR!

My friends Grandmother, let's call her Gene, explained in her generation when there was a man you wanted to go to bed with you had to marry him. Her theory made sense: Limit your partners, save your reputation. That's why everyone was married when they were 18 to 21, they wanted to bone. Gene then said for no particular reason, "the reason everyone loved the Catholic girls was because they gave the best head!"

After dinner drunk Gene told me she only loved one man and he was in heaven but she would have loved to go to bed with me. I went to the bars with my friends and got wrecked. I said to my friend Jennifer, "should I just do it? Should I send Grandmom off the right way?"

Jennifer and I continued to drink when she asked me, "would you do it for a million dollars?" I wasn't sure. She said a billion. I said yes. I told her there's isn't a thing in this world I wouldn't do for a billion. She asked would I lose a limb? I said absolutely. Would I lose my penis? My response, "why live?"

I continued to drink and it made more and more sense to me. I have a penis for a reason. My wang-piece is the gift of life and provider of pleasure so I might as well use it as often as I can. Don't judge me! Yes she is 80 years old, but how much would it mean to her? I get to send her off to Heaven the proper way. She most likely dies and I highly doubt they would perform an autopsy and all I have to do is close my eyes and picture a much younger, thinner, wetter vagina. Sure I would be haunted for eternity, but what else do the elder have to live for?

The following day I nursed my hangover the only way one should. I woke up and drank on the beach with friends. My friend Jennifer and I discussed blow jobs and and she told me growing up she never swallowed because she feared she would get preggers. I would like to use a lifeline now and ask the audience, WHO OUT THERE REALLY BELIEVES THIS?

As the conversation evolved, Jennifer's friend said she has no problem swallowing. I knew she would have been a star in Ookie Cookie, but she didn't know what this was. Ookie Cookie, I explained, is a game that questions men's sexuality more than wrestling. It is believed to be played at camp, sleepovers, frat hazing, etc.

Rules: Place a cookie in the center of a table or circle. All of the members of the party then sit or stand around the cookie and proceed to stroke their members. The last one to cum on the cookie must eat the cookie.

After explaining this her friend said, "why do only boys get a cookie for eating semen? Hell, I'm used to swallowing. I'd consider a cookie an improvement."

Men right then a new man law was established: After ejaculating do the right thing. If she asks for a cookie, give her a glass of a milk.

If you don't get married by 30......

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 01:20:00 -0400

Should there be a mandatory wait period from the end of one relationship to the start of your next? I know far too many people who break up, mourn for 3 days maximum and within a week they are dating another person. Not sleeping with, but in a hardcore, announce it to the world, facebook official relationship.

It's pretty disturbing if you think about the type of people who act in this manner. They are legitimately setting up their next fuck, while they are still dating someone else. Basically cheating. If you are one of those people and you are reading this take a second, whip out your meat and potatoes and dip them in boiling water or slam them in a desk drawer. If you don't have balls use your imagination, any sharp object will do.

The reason I bring this up is because for some absurd reason one of you emailed me and asked for my advice on "how do you know if it's too soon to enter into a new relationship after a breakup." Being that I am a master of love, they came to the right person.

I have a few rules for relationships and the first is in regards to women because you are generally the easy target and there is a point I've wanted to make about you for some time.

"DO NOT PUT AN AGE ON WHEN YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED"

The reason I say this is because most of you think if you are not married by 30 your life is over. You justify to yourself that 32 is also an acceptable age in a worst case scenario and you must have your first child by 35.

Now, you all read my blog for one of a few reasons:

1. you are addicted to the vulgarity
2. you actually do hate women
3. you masturbate to my stories
4. your life sucks and you need to escape it reading this shit
5. you need the honesty I provide; and here it is

If you put an age on everything, you will only be disappointed with life if you get to that age and you haven't achieved what it is you were hoping to.

You are probably wondering what the "age" reference has to do with relationships. I find too many people jump into marriage and relationships because they get to the point they don't want to be alone or hit that "age". If you are jumping into a new relationship quickly after getting out of another one, it should be because you know you want to be with the person, not because you are afraid to be alone. That's how people marry the wrong person. That's how people end up in relationships for years when they don't even really like each other.

I don't necessarily believe in settling down or the institution of marriage. Marriage is a security blanket for people who aren't confident enough to be alone and must rely on another. That is why I have chosen a life of promiscuous wild sex, primarily with strangers and plan on impregnating numerous women and having enough children to play full court basketball with two subs (12 if you're having trouble counting).

In conclusion, when you meet a person it doesn't matter how long it's been because since your relationship has ended because the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Joking aside, the best way to get over someone is when you meet the person who makes you completely forget the other person ever existed. You will know if you are ready to be serious. If you don't know, you're not ready or you're doing what far too many people do........entering a relationship because you don't want to be alone. Stop being a pussy, if you want to be with him/her just do it.

I apologize to ALL of my readers who were expecting the usual vulgarity and woman bashing.

NEXT BLOG: If my shit were an ice cream flavor I'd eat it: The story of why everyone likes their own brand.

Aol News Must Be Reading My blog

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 12:57:00 -0400

I was reading headline stories on AOL news and happened to come across an article today stating, "researchers found that obese women were less likely to ask for birth control services, and thus, four times more likely to accidentally get pregnant."

Sound familiar to anyone? Check out the blog about why fat women don't use protection.

Fiddler Under the Roof

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:51:00 -0400

A few years ago while dating my ex she introduced me to her friend Becky. Becky is a horrible human being and although I had no interest in being her friend, I could not could focus on anything other than how perky her fun-bags were and how badly I wanted to bend her over, pull her hair, raw dog her from behind and lick her delicious tasting pussy. (I suppose my imagination is slightly more perverse than most.)

For some time I could not escape my fantasy world and since I was bored boning my ex I went to plan B (no, not the morning after pill). I began to imagine I was fucking Becky instead and may have even called my ex the wrong name on occasion when pumping her with my Willy Wonnker. Our sex got kinkier and I found my tongue refusing to leave her box. It just wanted to cuddle up and hibernate in there. It was my happy place and I never wanted to leave.

My ex acted unforgivably one day suspecting I had a crush on Becky and told me, "rumor has it she has a repulsive smelling vagina." Blasphemy, madness! No one this sexy could be tainted with such a horrible illness. I refused to believe this statement, but also knew I must conduct field research.

A few weeks ago Becky contacted me and we met at a bar for drinks. I prepared before leaving and packed a gas mask and a tranquilizer gun. If her odor was as bad as I feared, I had to be willing to put the beast down and save any future muff divers.

At the bar I drowned myself in liquor for two key reasons:

1. When you are drunk your stamina improves
2. To drown out the possible horrid taste that might enter my mouth. If I can make liquor taste like water, I can make pussy taste like heaven.

We left the bar and in no time her legs were spread over my shoulders, pillow under her ass, and I was playing her pussy like a fiddle (NOTE: women climax faster with a pillow under them and time was not a luxury I could afford enduring her potential smell). My fingers deep in her twat, I licked her clit fiddling under her roof for hours. Becky was erupting, shaking and twitching uncontrollably. (Women who have experienced this orgasm feel free to comment.)

When I concluded destroying her pussy, she laid there in a ball not knowing to smile or cry. Her body could not comprehend how sublime she felt. "No one has EVER gone down on me like that before. Not any of my ex-boyfriends ever really did it," she confessed.

You don't say. I stood at a safe distance, careful not to come too close to the fumes pouring from her sewage smelling muff. It was the worst taste my tongue had ever tolerated, but I did what had to be done. I drank every liquid in sight to remove the bitterness from my scorned tongue. Then I went on a hunger on strike. I never wanted to use my mouth again and took a vow of silence.

Do I regret doing it? No. If I hadn't, curiosity would have eaten away at me. I gave her the orgasm of her life and will surely be inducted in her hall of sex fame.

The real issue at hand is, what does a man do if he dates a girl with a repulsive smelling cooter? If it's a one night stand, he does not have to eat puss, but to ensure his peg enters her hole, a little lickety split must take place for him to pin his tail in the donkey.

If you are dating a girl with this issue you can only avoid the inevitable so long. A decent human will enter and eat her torture chamber and you may learn to enjoy it. If it truly smells, try to implement fruit into her diet. Fruit can improve the smell, while spicy dishes worsen the smell. If the odor persists, she may have a yeast infection, UTI or an STD and chances are now you do too.

If you are one of the few who does not take pleasure in eating pussy it's time to man up. Pussy is like sushi is an acquired taste. Once you acquire that taste you will want to dine at an all you can eat sushi buffet. No one is telling you to do it every second and you don't need to Indian kiss her (eat her out on the rag). I assure you the more you do for her, the more she will return. Give and you shall receive. There is no greater pleasure than giving a woman the ultimate orgasm. She will rave about you to friends and if it's a one night stand I guarantee after your epic performance you'll have a lot more legs spreading. So gentlemen, this weekend step up to the plate, pick up your fiddle and lets play a little sweet chin music.

Four Whores and Many Year Ago

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 02:15:00 -0400

Last week while working in a law office I overheard Stacey lashing out about the whore that works downstairs. As a productive member of the office, my curiosity forced me to rushed to the conversation. Stacey saw me run over and asked, "Ben, I say I hate that fucking whore and you immediately rush over?" To which I so eloquently replied, "who doesn't love a whore?" And after a long pause Stacey said, "I guess you are right."

Men don't expect much from women. We expect them to cook, clean, and provide a little action on the side. As long as we have maids and prostitutes, I don't really see much purpose for a wife or a girlfriend. Men can handle takeout for meals. Maids can clean and prostitutes serve the most important purpose to society. They fulfill all of man's sexual desires without an opinion, only a price.

For thousands of years man has been ruling the world and today we get paid more to do the same jobs. In the 1920's the 19th amendment was passed granting women the right to vote. Our foolish decision allowed the lesser gender to believe they were our equals and it is my privilege to put women back where they belong .......on their knees.

Man's greatest downfall was passing the 19th amendment. Once women could vote they began to believe they could attend college, grad school, become educators. Nonsense, women were better served as whores. We need these leg spreaders because they do all the things our wives and girlfriends refuse. They let us have threesomes. We can hit it and quit it and we don't have to cuddle. They don't spend the night and for an extra fee they swallow. We don't have to kiss them or bother with foreplay and we don't have to feel bad for cumming in a minute or in their hair, eye, or nostril. They don't have expectations, only price tags.

That is why I am torn today. Why is prostitution not legalized everywhere? The government can profit from it and it would lessen crime.

On another note I must briefly defend women as I so RARELY do. Leg spreaders have ruined it for the "good girls." Man has become weary of women's ways causing the "good girls" to suffer for the panty droppers actions. Too many women fork their legs open for anyone and therefore man has a sense all women are tramps. It is better to protect oneself than to be made an example of and for that women I am apologetic, but one cum guzzling whore can spoil it for the good girls.

Allow me to conclude with a short story: A man walked up to a beautiful girl in a bar and said I will pay you $1,000 to sleep with me. She slapped him in the face and said, "you must be kidding me." He replied to her, "$100,000." She looked at him with daggers in her eyes and said, "what do you think I am?" and he answered, "I think we already established that, now we are just negotiating price."

Everyone has a price. Never forget it.

Because hating fat people never gets old....

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Tue, 8 Jun 2010 16:22:00 -0400

I love to demoralize overweight people. Have you ever noticed you walk by a heavyset person eating an ice cream cone and wonder, "what could possibly be going through their mind?" This happens to me every time I see a fat person eating. When I see a fat person in a bikini or wearing shorts with cellulite flowing, or the flabby arms of a girl wearing a tank top I know she is the worst type of female after a cold blooded feminist. She suffers from F.G.W.T.S.S, a fat girl who thinks she is skinny.

When this blog started it was built with a strong foundation and belief system. It was built on a code set in place to right all wrongs in the universe. Today's wrongs bring us back to fat people, but more specifically fat women. There is very little they offer to society, whereas fat men serve many functions. They are funny and they can enter eating competitions.

Ever notice you see numerous fat couples? Fat date fat and not because fat people like fat people (no one does), but obviously because they are the only one's willing to date each other. Regrettably this also means fat people do the nasty with each other. Who would ever want to lift a woman's FUPA (fat upper pussy area) to find her cooter? Imagine lifting layer after layer of fat and hair, holding it up with one hand and trying to squeeze your manhood into her bearded clam, assuming it can be found. If it is found, it can't be well kept because its virtually impossible she can lift her fupa long enough to shave it.

A study has recently shown that fat women do not use protection. Who do they think they are? Many of you may be sitting there thinking the obvious, why would anyone wear a rubber?(blog for another day) There is no greater feeling than a woman's warm, wet, pink love juices riding down your shaft, but the real issue is the more fat people who bang without condoms results in more fat children on this earth, and that is unacceptable.

There is one key reason fat women don't want men to wrap it. These fat women have low self-confidence due to their grotesqueness. They came by their obesity honestly....they eat a shitload. So when the pound town is about to begin, the women have little choice other than to take it when they can get it. They do not have the luxury of telling their partner to use a condom because in the time it takes to put the condom on the man will realize there is a fat mother fucking, roly poly, hairy clam in bed. AND if he is sober enough to realize what he is about to do, there is a greater chance he will stick his thumb in his asshole, wiggle it and have gold coins come out than of him slaying the dragon who lays beside him.

When Women Cannot Spend the Night

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 13:22:00 -0400

We hardly made it to the bedroom as our clothes were thrown to the floor and we stumbled in from a night out in Atlantic City. I buried my face between her thighs and licked her clit like an everlasting jawbreaker. I was nose deep in her pussy for three straight hours with no intention of stopping.

I had been in a drought for months and wasn’t lacking in the hand job department so when the opportunity came to nose fuck a girl, I couldn’t pass it up. My face was covered in pussy juice and I was loving it. You generally won’t find too many guys who are willing to annihilate a cooch like that, but when in a drought you should drink as if you are in the Sahara and you may never drink water again.

When I finished devouring her, she flipped me on my back, kissed down my neck, chest, stomach and cock. I was tingling with excitement knowing her mouth would soon be wrapped around my man piece, when she took me by surprise and went directly past my shaft.

I could go with this, after all, it had been some time since a female and sucked on my satchel, but she didn’t stop there. She began to tongue my asshole.

There are very few places I believe a woman’s mouth does not belong, and I’m not saying that assholes are one of them, but my asshole is definitely one of them!

For starters, I am a questionable wiper. Sometimes I make a phone call while dropping a deuce and get lazy. Sometimes I plan on getting in the shower after so I cut it short, and sometimes even when I wipe well, I am bound to leave some paper up there.

Anyway, I am generally against these kinds of things, but after hearing the studies of how erotic and enjoyable some fingers in there can be, I figured why not let a little tongue in? When in Rome? which I suppose in this case became, “when a girl sticks her tongue in your ass.”

When she finished, I found myself feeling refreshed and surprisingly pleased. She came up and went to rest her head next to mine when I immediately stopped her.

See the rule goes as follows: I’m down for a little craziness, a lot of excitement and some experimentation, but there is a code and the code has a few rules in regards to a one night stand.

1. Don’t kiss me after you blow me
2. Don’t try to cuddle in the morning if I let you sleep over
3. If I don’t imply that you can sleep over, let yourself out when I’m done with you
4. NO MISSIONARY!
5. There is NO chance in hell she is putting that shit covered face on my pillow! Get the fuck out! I don’t care how much she showers! Mo amount of showering is going to get the shit off her face.

A Fang-Banging Good Time

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:55:00 -0400

Every August my friends and I would come together and try to think of new themes for parties. Now that I am older, do less and have far too much time on my hands I have come up with some fresh ideas.

While watching a movie on HBO, I was inspired by an Aztec themed party. The party requires a virgin to be sacrificed into a lava pit. My plan slightly differentiates from the films because I think the virgin female should be crucified.

I don't know about anyone else, but I have never been to a crucifixion and at the first party of the year, it is pretty easy to find a freshman virgin. Then maybe eat the person. Come on, don't pretend the thought didn't enter your mind and you will never forget your first party where a virgin was sacrificed, crucified, and eaten.

After my brilliant idea of sacrificing and eating a virgin, I thought about my new favorite television show True Blood.

How wild would a Vampire Fang-Bang be? There are a few minor concerns with the vampire party, but if you are game to get a little freaky I think this is a winning theme.

The major concerns are obviously with people biting each other. So if you aren't cool with being bitten, I would suggest not attending.

Also, if you are not down for doing hits of V (vampire blood) and drinking human blood from a keg, stay home. It is only fair that we will have a keg of blood type A, B and O and if you'd like AB you can definitely mix!

A lot of people will probably want to go out and get all Dracula on your ass. Please keep in mind vampires don't actually turn into bats.

If you attend wearing fake fangs you are not welcome. If you aren't going to take the time to actually carve your teeth sharper you are not wanted. I wouldn't come to your Animals and Zookeeper's party dressed as David Hasseloff. Vampires were once alive too and they have feelings.

Vampires are not to be mocked. They will abide by human rules, so when they arrive invite them into your home. They will not break the vampire code and will only enter when you extend an invitation and grant them permission to enter.

Once inside the party it is completely acceptable to partake in fangbanging. It is wildly known that vampire sex is the greatest sex known to earth. It would be foolish not to indulge in this rare opportunity.

Also permitted to attend will be one minotaur, one exorcists who will perform an exorcism, 2-3 police officers, a few mind readers (please don't share who you are it's more fun for you if no one knows), and one Sheriff, who will be the male head of the home.

Please check with the party planner to make sure there is not an excess of minotaurs. That can really ruin a party.

How many people have you with slept?

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Wed, 5 Aug 2009 01:52:00 -0400

The amount of people you sleep with is much like your SAT score. It can never be changed. Everyone wants to know what you scored, and everyone lies about it.

My friend Nathan has been falling disgustingly for a girl, Hayley, when she recently asked him how many girls he has slept with. She said if he did not tell her than they could never be together.
( I do not believe in ultimatums. They back people into a corner and they generally backfire for both parties.)

I have dated girls, some more serious than others and the question of how many have you slept with is unavoidable.

Some of the girl’s numbers have been high and others have been extremely low. This is why I can give my expert my opinion about the plus and minuses of knowing and not knowing.

When a girl in her young 20's tells me her number, I have learned most average around 10-13 partners. If the number is less than 3 I worry and more than 20 I am taken back.

Sadly a double standard does apply. Although it is unfair, it does exist and we would be fools not to recognize this fact. I believe girls who have slept with significantly less than the average and freely share their number, have ruined it for the girls with higher numbers.

Men want to picture girlfriends in the purest sense. Sometimes we ask what a girl’s number is because we feel we need to know. It is often difficult to imagine the girl we thought we knew being someone's one night stand.

When a girl tells me she has slept with between 10-13 people, I imagine there have been a few one night stands, but she generally is careful with those she chooses to sleep with. I am not thrilled with the overall number, but it is not a number I will lose sleep over either.

If she has slept with more than 20 my jaw drops. Even if it is something I am prepared for, hearing it takes you back. Once you know, there is no escaping, but it has to make you wonder, "who isn't she spreading her legs for?"

The only thing knowing the overall number can do is make you doubt the person you have already been crazy about. No good can come of it and here is why.

It can NEVER end with how many people. After the number is revealed and she has time to think it over, a flood of new questions will arrive.

Who are they? How were they? Were any better than me? Do you think any are prettier than me? Did you ever love any of them? Why? Why not? Do you even love me?

Once this bag of worms is opened the only way to stop it is to murder your significant other, because every girl you introduce her to from that point on she will ask if you have slept with. She will be mean to the girl friends you had before meeting her. She will hold grudges and resent the girls, when she has no reason to.

She cannot control what you did before her, as you cannot control what she did. The past is the past and let it stay that way.

All you have to remember girls, is you are the one he is with now. I have made the mistake of asking girls in the past and I too have been asked. This is the best advice I can give:

The number does not matter. With previous women I was unable to get it out of my head, but I realized, if she wanted to be with someone else she would have been. So don't ask the question, because it cannot be changed.

You either want to be with the person or not. Take my advice from a guy who has asked girls and from a guy who has been asked.

Assume they have slept with 60 people, maybe even 70. Now he is only sleeping with 1 now, so feel lucky and not bitter or jealous. Sex is JUST sex. Young people are having it to have fun and get off, not to procreate! Some people are going to have higher numbers than others. I assure you if every girl I kissed wanted to sleep with me I probably would have and then where would my overall number be? Ask yourself how high your number would be if that were your case?

The only thing that matters is that you know who you want to be with. Once you do, let sleeping dogs lie because whatever happened before you is history.

Say Cheese

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Tue, 4 Aug 2009 01:47:00 -0400

A few days ago while killing time on facebook a girl I used to sleep with came across my newsfeed. I hadn't seen her in some time, clicked on her profile and went through some pictures as I found myself immensely disappointed.

What had happened to the bombshell I had slept with only 2 years prior? I was horrified to discover, time had not treated my fair maiden well. This girl who had the statistics to be in Hall of Fame, seemed eerily comparable to Penny Hardaway. A promising rising star, who's career was shortened by injury, or in her case the "I peaked too young police."

I began to think about how almost every girl I have slept with, I would sleep with again. I am usually proud of my list, but I was torn over this one.

I contacted my friend, Python and asked if he had seen pictures of her and after looking her up, he too was stunned. Then, a brilliant idea was shared between Python and myself.

We must create a slideshow of everyone we have ever slept with. The slideshow can contain only one picture, the persons name, and one memory about them of your choice.

To be fair the picture MUST come from the year/time you slept with them. You can take the most attractive picture of them, as long as it comes from within a year.

There is no point in putting a picture of what they look like now. It should only be a picture of what they looked like when you conquered their vagina.

Now even the best pictures of some of these girls won't be good by any means, but regardless they are part of the slide show, part of the deal.

You can even add some pictures of people you haven't slept with, but still may have had great experiences with or a great story.

Then on the night of your bachelor party, when all your friends are over you can sit back, relax and enjoy the show.......and to be safe, destroy the evidence so the future Mrs. never one day stumbles upon it.

Tomorrow........why you should NEVER tell your significant other how many people you have slept with.

Allow me to Reintroduce Myself.....

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 03:17:00 -0400

As many of you know, my dear friend was writing a blog when some readers became angry with the material and it was shut down. I, Ben Wolf will be taking over the blog, but first, my friend asked me to relay this message to all of you:

I apologize for any posts I had written that offended or hurt anyone. That was never my intention.

When looking back at history, there are many rebellious figures that stand out for their strong beliefs. The world can be changed when just one man is willing to fight for what he believes.

Patrick Henry said, "Give me liberty or give me death," a saying I take to heart.

If George Washington had shut up when the British told him to, then he would not have formed the continental army and we would not be the United States today.

However, Washington did not back down to Cornwallis at Yorktown,
David did not cower before Goliath,
Luke Skywalker would not give in to the Darkside,
And I will not appease you and kneel before my oppressor as Chamberlain did Hitler.

If Tucker Max stopped writing, they wouldn't be serving Beer in Hell right now. So, well, damn, fuck, JESUS!

I'm not really an anti-authority, rebellious, kinda guy like my famous predecessors.
I'm just a guy, with a borderline, average sized dick, who wants to get it wet every once in awhile. And then I want to share those experiences with my readers.

So, not so anonymous blogger, suck on the receding hairline of my balls.
With that being said, I feel awful for offending you so, allow me to apologize.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I was born.
I'm sorry you’re sorry I was born.
I'm sorry I like anal.
I'm sorry sometimes I like to receive anal.
I'm sorry that I use an aerosol deodorant can that puts holes in the ozone layer.
I'm sorry for inconveniencing you in the morning by making you read my blog.
I'm sorry I gave a homeless man a dollar yesterday; I really needed that at the vending machine.
I'm sorry Sean Connery can no longer play James Bond.
I'm sorry I'm a moron and it upset you so much.
I'm sorry I’m not on welfare so you don't have more to complain about.
I'm sorry Paula Abdul doesn't make sense on American Idol.
I'm sorry Darth Vader chopped off Luke’s hand.
I'm sorry to all the people who have been stuck on an elevator when I’ve farted.
I'm sorry I once took a monster shit and locked my cousin in the bathroom. I really am sorry Zach!

BUT most of all, I'm sorry you take me so seriously because NO ONE ELSE DOES!

Bobby knight once wisely said, "When my time on earth is gone and my activities here are passed, I want them to bury me upside down so my critics can kiss my ass!"

You may be reading this and saying to yourself, "this is insane, this is madness, BUT THIS IS THE NEW BLOG BABY AND I’M NOT GOING FUCKING ANYWHERE!"

New Blog

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 03:55:00 -0400

this site is under construction........returning soon.

What to do when your girlfriend won't blow you

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:59:00 -0400

It has been brought to my attention that there are too many men in relationships that do not receive blow jobs. It is not that they do not receive them on the regular, it is that they do not receive them at all!

Instead the blow job has been manipulated into a scam women use, to get their man to commit to a relationship. Then one morning, the man wakes up and poof, the blow job is gone and becomes a distant memory you are not even sure ever existed.

A friend of mine told me he cannot remember the last time his girlfriend took a load to her mouth. He said it could have been a year! I was disgusted by this news.

I had always been under the impression that at the bare minimum, fellas got a b.j. when their girls were on the rag. I'm learning what used to be known as "blow job week," might as well be called "non-existent week."

There is a large majority of men out there who service their women for a plethora of reasons. Because they enjoy it, because they hope the favor is returned; and what women seem to forget is, because we like making them feel good, and watching them get off is a huge turn on.

Upon learning of the absence of dick sucking, I spoke to a few female friends and the general consensus was this: The reason many women do not fellate men, is because they fear they have not mastered the craft and don't want their significant other to be disappointed.

Concerned women do not fear! It is simple to please your man.

Men are stupid creatures. We assume we are great at everything and could leave no woman unsatisfied. Unfortunately, our foolish cockiness is false. While women are nervous they are not talented, they should not fret. All we ask if for your best effort with minimal pencil shredding! Your technique will improve with practice.

Guys, make sure to raise your girls confidence and tell her how incredible she looks, how skinny she is and how luscious her lips are. She will need guidance so don't be afraid to use your hand to lower her head.

Tell her you enjoy it as she goes to town on you, especially if it is the first time in awhile. Tell her how sexy she is and how turned on you get watching her. Then do her the favor of cumming fast. This way everybody wins. The faster you cum, the better job she will believe she did. Tell her how incredible it was. This might even encourage her to blow you more often.

It is vital men continue to get blow jobs or my greatest fear will occur. One day there will be a time, when you can ask any man if he has received a blow job and no one will respond. Women will have turned blow jobs into myths and stop practicing them. There absence will be a distant memory no one is sure ever occurred.

Men, I urge you, do not allow the blow job to ever turn into a myth! Think about your sons, and their sons who will never know how it feels to have a woman's mouth wrapped around their penis. Think about the whores and prostitutes who will charge an extra fee, or worst of all claim they are not permitted to perform this act.

For the women who still do not understand the importance of giving head here goes nothing. Most men love oral sex. It makes a person feel desired and it lets the man know you appreciate them and their penis.

Too often men have to feel guilty about wanting a blow job, but why should they? Do you feel bad when you want new shoes? And when you get those shoes, don't you really want compliments from others? In the end we all have the same basic need, and that is to be appreciated.

Why should having your cock sucked be some sort of reward? Why do we have to be on good behavior? It would destroy my self esteem if a girl told me I had to take out the trash every time I wanted a blow job. It is like giving a dog a treat for taking a piss.

Taking the trash out is a dirty, undesirable job that has now been placed in the same sentence as a blow job. No wonder women feel it is dirty. However, instead of it being a dirty act, think of the power it gives you as a woman to take control.

So women I plead to you, take control and let men feel a "deeper connection" to you. Blow jobs can be a beautiful sensual act. An amazing experience for both of you.

How often do we shove food down our throats or overlook a sunset? The same applies to sex. Sex can be routine and what better way to truly enjoy what life has to offer than to appreciate the things we over look. So be a good girlfriend and make your boyfriend feel appreciated!

Men: If you seem to be dropping hints by pushing your girlfriends head down, going down on her with no favor returned or even saying "let me stick my penis in your mouth" and nothing is working, it is time to show her "the move."

When you are your girl are intimate and you are about to release, jump up, put your cock in her face and give her an autograph she will never forget.

Never, Neverland

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Fri, 3 Jul 2009 03:41:00 -0400

November 1, 2008:
I woke up on a couch with a pair of ripped green tights, a brown satchel, and a plastic sword. I went out as Peter Pan the night before and although I never found my shadow, I found a nice brunette to share the couch with. The beauty of brunettes is that although blondes are more fun, brunettes became secretly sluttier to make up for this.

My intention was to bring Slutty School Girl home, but her friend Trashy Bride won me over with her command of the English language. Of course by that I mean excessive usage of the word "like" and blank stares when asking non-thought provoking questions. I immediately knew she would not object to playing "just the tip."

I rolled over and looked at my phone, a text to an Ashley at 4:17 am, 516 area code saying “apartment S10J." I rolled out of bed and instead of dealing with Ashley, grabbed whatever I saw of mine and headed to Penn Station. I later realized I left my phone charger, glasses and sweatpants in NYC. About what I deserve for sneaking out.

After the cab ride to Penn Station, the flashbacks and hangover hit me once I was seated on the train, contemplating suicide. The long ride when you have far too much time to think about the horrible person you were and the STD’s you possibly contracted last night. The other passengers are blessed with your aroma of pussy juice, sweat, alcohol and body odor.

It was during this train ride I came to the realization that I ditched Slutty School Girl for her friend Trashy Bride. However, more importantly I learned of my new fetish: women I can sleep with, but never have to date.

The reason you love these women is because by being a weekend visitor, women have to accept there is no realistic opportunity for a relationship.

My bleeding inflamed liver would make most people quit drinking for the rest of their lives. I take a pill twice a day, but this was not close to a “I’m never going to drink again” hangover.

I would rather live fast and die young, than be old and die with regret. As Pan said, "to die would be an awfully great adventure." How could I ever utter the words, “I’m never going to drink again,” when every time I drink I fly away to magical places like Neverland?

If it hadn’t been for my liquid partner, I never would have face-fucked Trashy Bride’s pink taco last night. If it hadn’t been for drinking, Trashy Bride never would have had me fiddling under her roof, so everybody wins.

There is no chance in hell Pan is sticking his sword in anyone sober. It’s not that he's afraid to, but when you are sober and have a one night stand, you don’t really want to remember taking off each article of her clothing and if her pussy tasted like heaven or not; because the odds are it didn't. When you are blacked out drunk, you don’t usually think twice about eating her muff, but when you're sober you know it was probably questionable muff to be diving into in the first place.

So although my hungover, suicidal, train ride dared me to walk the plank, I thought back to Peter's happy thoughts, and when you do, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly.

Ben wonders

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Wed, 1 Jul 2009 02:50:00 -0400

The Top 10 things I Wonder:

1. Why can't you kiss a prostitute on the mouth? and why is prostitution illegal? Anything to stimulate the economy I say.

2. Why is it so difficult to have sex with a girl who has a dog? The dog is always judging you and barking as if you are violating it's mother. How can a civilized human continue with those poor puppy eyes looking at you. Cruelty to animals.

3. How come when a guy is drunk and hooks up with a nasty girl he says, "it happens." But when a hot drunk girl wakes up with a gross guy she claims he took advantage? Men don't call foul play!

4. Is it an orgy if you only have sex with one of the people in the room, but there are multiple people involved?

5. How do people wipe their ass from front to back? Really I would LOVE a response!

6. Why do people say "in my opinion" before stating something. Obviously it is their opinion if they are speaking. Also, why do some people say, "can I ask a question" and then ask it anyway. Just ask the question to begin with.

7. Is it wrong to untag pictures of you and an ugly and/or fat girl? I think it should be considered charity if we leave it posted.

8. Why do people believe it is acceptable to post misleading profile pictures? Everyone knows the first thing they do when receiving a friend request is check pictures. Save us the time and show us what you really look like. It is false advertising. Is it such a foreign idea to post a picture that looks like you? Do the decent thing.

9.Why does it seem like every high schooler in the country bangs their teachers these days? Did I go to the wrong high school?

10. Is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self-esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?

How to mess up a date...........guys edition

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:51:00 -0400

The 10 ways a guy can go wrong on a first date:

1. Be attentive, but do not overdo it. You can hold a door, but if you pull out her chair you will only look gay.

2. Do not refer to women as broads, dames or subspecies. Everyone knows they prefer to be referred to as tramps and whores.

3. Do not mention athletic accomplishments. Unless in my case they really are accomplishments, because I am an extremely gifted athlete.

4. Try not to fart in the car before she gets in. It might be more potent than you originally believed.

5. Try not fart in the car until after gets out and is 30 feet away from you. It might be louder than you expected.

6. Stay away from Jedi mind tricks.

7. Do not laugh if the waiter asks if you'd like your steak with a hot pink center. Even I am still working on this.

8. Do not go dutch on the bill, unless you do not want to see her again or are too big of a pus to tell her she sucks.

9. Do not get bombed and make her drive home. Everybody knows women are horrible drivers and do not belong behind a wheel.

10. Do not wear cotton pants. You don't want to have to hide a boner. It's always safer to blame it on the jeans.

What not to do on a first date:

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 00:38:00 -0400

After re-reading yesterday's post, I felt as if I slighted everyone and wanted to redeem myself.

The Top 10 ways a girl can mess up a first date and NOT get called for a second:

1. Food Etiquette: If before a date a woman lists restaurants she won't eat at, she is already on thin ice for being difficult. Dinner manners are vital. Don't eat with your hands or lick your fingers clean. Men want to date a lady. Don't order a man's meal. Stay away from ordering steak!

2. Truck drivers mouth: If a girl says, "the weather is shitty," that is acceptable. If she sees someone she knows and says, "I fucking hate that bitch," that is probably a little too excessive for a first date.

3. Do not speak negatively about others! He will think you speak that way of him when he is not around. However, if it is a funny story continue.

4. Do not story tell about your wild college days when you puked in cabs or were arrested. Who would want to date that a second time?

5. Do not mention past relationships: No guy wants to hear about who you used to fuck.

6. Do not text: If something that much better is going on, don't waste his time.

7. Do not correct your date: Fight the urge if you think you might like him. No one wants to be challenged or corrected all evening. No one likes a know it all!

8. Stay away from sports talk: Some men may find this to be a turn on, but the majority do not. This can be dangerous territory. If men wanted to talk about sports they would go out with their guy friends.

9. Do not tell him how great you are. If you were so great you wouldn't be single!

10. Do not sleep with him: If you fuck a guy on the first date he is not going to call you again. Why should he work for it if you are going to give it to him anyway? If you sleep with him, he will assume you sleep with every guy you go out with. There's no challenge in that and suddenly you don't seem like such a prize.

Men's list coming soon.....

The Five Step Process

noreply@blogger.com (About Me: Ben Wolf) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 01:21:00 -0400

My first year in college my wise disturbing friend explained to me how to get laid every night. A rule I do not follow, but one with such impressive efficiency that I cannot deny the truth of its power.

The lesson goes: when attending a party, attack the absolutely least attractive dragon in sight and slay her. The revolting female at the party does not always have the opportunity to get laid or slayed. When an opportunity arises she will almost ALWAYS take advantage of her rare and fortunate situation. This method may lead (depending on your level of sobriety) to going to bed with beautiful twins, but waking up mistakenly with Shrek.

While on a cruise a few years ago with my friend Leppy (short for Leprechaun), we went to the bar to prowl on women. My relentless Leppy approached every female on the boat, although he was shamelessly denied by every girl earlier in the week. This impressively did not effect his resilience. Leppy continued onward with reckless abandon, until eventually succeeding the final night. This leprachaun fucker gave in to the rule of how to get laid on any given night; she dropped her standards fast!

The next day Leppy woke up and looked at his trophy. He lingered and gloated at the thrill of his awkward victory. Being a gentlemen, he waited until his lady awoke before he would leave. She rolled over, looked at him and said, "OH NO!"

Leppy in truly uncomfortable fashion said, "one for the road?" She was running late to brunch and rushed him out immediately, already regretting her evening. The truth is she will most likely never count him in her list of men she has slept with or mythological creatures she has ever encountered.

Everybody has woken up with a dragon and thought, why did this happen to me? Because of course it's not their fault they slept with the nastiest person alive. Here you will discover the five step, textbook way to accepting the consequences of bellying up with the beast; which by coincidence is the same as the "Five Steps to Accepting Death."

STEP ONE, DENIAL:

Denial is "when a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence" (Freud). So although you might like to believe it did not happen, it definitely did. Look for evidence. Check for a condom wrapper, take a leak and see what direction you shoot, or if there is itching in your genital regions. If any of the above pertain to you, it happened and you have come to terms with it.

Step Two, Anger:

Oh yes! When you look at the beast by your side you will be raging with smoke from your ears. You want to kill the beast, but you don't hit women. However you are not even sure if this is a woman! Could you hit it and get away with it, maybe? No! It's wrong to kill just because it is a demonic creature.

So don't chop of your penis or zip up your snatch! It is not your penis or vagina's fault that you are an idiot. Booze's fault it may be, but regardless, these things happen. Sometimes we are the slayers of the dragon and sometimes we are the slayed. Recognize what you did and embrace it, because it most definitely happened and cannot be taken back.

Step Three, Bargaining:

If you are still in bed with the person and think if you close your eyes and pretend they won't be there when you open them, you are sadly mistaken. You don't kinda get pregnant, you don't kinda shit your pants. If you think you pulled out, you probably didn't. If you think this number doesn't count because the sex wasn't good, because he came too fast, or because he wasn't up to your standards, then you are also mistaken. This person very much counts. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, it's ok to admit if you had a little fun. I'm sure at some point during the evening you did.

Step Four, Depression:

During the fourth stage, the person begins to understand the certainty of the tragic event that took place. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect themself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer an individual up that is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

The person may say, "I'm so sad, why bother living?" or "I'm going to die," or most commonly, "why me?"

Realize you have done a mitzvah (good deed) and no good deed goes unpunished. Don't resort to pills or swear off drinking. Acknowledge the facts and pass step 4!

Step Five, Acceptance:

This is the toughest stage of them all, but shit happens! Once you realize you can go through the stages, go to the bathroom, turn on the lights, look at yourself in the mirror, stare and repeat, "I fucked a fat chick and I'm probably going to do it again!"