The Big Picture

Early Season Fantasy Risers

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Mon, 18 Sep 2017 23:17:00 +0000

The one truism about football is that players get hurt. No sport is as brutal is football, and no league sees greater attrition and turnover than the NFL. You might have been feeling great about your draft, but now it's Week 2 and your star running back is out of several months, or your elite tight end is already on the shelf.

To win a fantasy football league, you're probably going to have to hit the waiver wire to supplement the ranks with up-and-coming players. In addition, you might be playing in daily fantasy leagues on sites like Playdraft, where the key to winning a fantasy draft is identifying rising young stars.

Here are a few candidates:

Darren Sproles, RB, Eagles

One thing is now clear: LeGarrette Blount isn't fitting in well in Philadelphia. In Week 2, Blount didn't touch the football at all, evidence that his stay in Philly may be short and unhappy. Sproles got 10 carries, and was targeted five times, and looks to play a prominent role in the Eagles' attack going forward. Is he a number one running back? No, not quite. But there's no one in Philly demanding the ball, so Sproles will get his chances.

Brandon Coleman, WR, Saints

For the past two seasons, Coleman has been hyped as a possible beneficiary of the Drew Brees rising tide. Unfortunately, it's never quite worked out that way. But in Week 2, Coleman was Brees' preferred deep target, and caught four passes for 82 yards and a score. If Coleman now has the faith of Brees, the 6'6" wideout could prosper in New Orleans' high powered offense.

Samaje Perine, RB, Redskins

Feature back Rob Kelly didn't come out of the tunnel in the second half of Week 2, and now the job is up for grabs. Perine will be battling Chris Thompson for carries, and in Week 2, Perine got the lion's share, rushing for 67 yards in 21 attempts. He's got more upside than Chris Thompson, even if he's Week 2 performance didn't indicate it.

Chris Thompson, RB, Redskins

It's possible you prefer production to potential, though, and if so you'll probably want to target Thompson over Perine. Thompson lit up the stat sheet in Week 2, with two touchdowns and a 61 yard run. Perine clearly had the first shot at becoming the go-to running back based on how the Week 2 carries were distributed, but if Thompson can put up more games like his Week 2 performance, that might change.

Devin Funchess, WR, Panthers

Funchess elevated his game after the injury to Greg Olson, pulling down four catches for 68 yards. Now, Olsen will be missing for an extended amount of time with a broken foot, meaning his targets are up for grabs. Expect Cam Newton to look for Funchess more while Olsen is on the mend.

Dwayne Allen, TE, Patriots

Another potential beneficiary of an injury, Allen's value is largely tied up with Rob Gronkowski's health. In the first two weeks, Allen has been a non-factor, but now Gronkowski is already starting to show wear and tear. Knowing his injury history, there's a better than average chance of the Patriots needing to fill his void, and Allen might be the guy to do that.

All good things...

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 13:55:00 +0000

To borrow a sports cliché or three: we're hanging up the cleats, throwing in the towel and knowing when to walk away.

This has been a helluva journey. I had no idea when I started this site four years ago that it would be something that was so addicting, so rewarding and so frustrating all at the same time. Four blogging years is like 70 in human years which is like 290 in dog years or something.

In December, 2005 I was just a naïve college student thinking that starting a blog would be my way into the sports-writing world.

Shockingly, it was.

I got to the point where I was a professional blogger, working for FanHouse, PlayboyU and receiving ad dollars here. Who knew that would ever be the case?

Times were humbling early. To spend the time writing a post and have six people read it isn't exactly encouraging. I didn't think the site would last. But over 1,900 posts and six million page views later, I'm so glad it did. To have people reading my words, leaving comments and laughing at my jokes was -- to put it bluntly -- pretty fucking cool.

I told myself that I'd stop this blog under two circumstances:

1. If it started slipping into mediocrity
2. If it became a job

Unfortunately, for the last year or so, it's been both. Spending hours writing posts after a full day of work has become a chore. On too many occasions I spent more time blogging than I did doing things that were far more important; this site twisted my priorities.

The Big Picture peaked about two years ago. The material was still fresh, jokes still crass and feeling still new. The recent slide has been a large part me and also the sports blogosphere getting so terribly cluttered that there were the few top sites and then hundreds of "everybody else."

In the early days, when bloggers were still figuring out this whole sports blogging thing, I knew my peers, the work they put in and what it took to operate a daily sports blog. Not so much the case anymore.

But it's been a fun ride. I've made friends, computer buddies and even got asked out on a date! Many thanks to all the loyal readers, the regular commenters (you know who you are!) and anyone who's stumbled across this small slice of the Web.

I'm still very reachable by email, so don't be shy. And I'll still be lurking around the blogosphere occasionally, checking up on all of your sites that I've come to love.

May all of your favorite teams win championships (as long as they're the San Francisco Giants and Washington Huskies). May athletes keep doing crazy shit to fuel sports blogs' content. May we continue to see huge upsets, epic games and unbelievable endings. Because, at the end of the day, that's what this site was always about: the love of sports.

Now it's time to hit that "Publish Post" button one final time. Goodnight sweet world. It's been real...

The Big Picture 2005-2009

Best of The Big Picture: favorite posts and topics

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 11:05:00 +0000

Over the course of four years you're going to write some absolute crap. But every once in a while you pump something out that makes you think, albeit for a second, that you can actually do this whole writing thing.

Then there are the go-to topics. Our favorite ideas, people and concepts that we often go to in order to put a smile on faces.

Favorite posts:

The anti-Jay Busbee campaign
If Phillip Rivers died a famous movie death...
The time I took an hour-long shit
Pre-Gaming: Trick 'r Treat
Fuck Boston
CFB Coverage > NFL Coverage
We've been put On Notice
A Letter From Barbaro
An interview with the Steelers' pilot
Torre: 'Hot seat? What hot seat?'

Favorite topics:

Barbaro
Joe Buck
Things that aren't sports but are funny because we're really immature sometimes
Yi Jianlian
Tampa Rays
Ikea Games

Best of The Big Picture: series and features

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 10:55:00 +0000

Four years, you gotta get some staples down. To write about random stories everyday is pretty taxing, so we developed some reoccurring series and features as a way to help readers gain familiarity and to make planning content a little easier.

Some of the features stuck, some didn't. Some got big, others were one-and-done.

Here they are in all their glory:

Lots of good stuff in there that should give you plenty of reading material to get you through your Wednesday.

Best of The Big Picture: most-read posts

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 08:55:00 +0000

There are occasionally things we write that other people think are good enough to share with their larger audiences. SI.com, Yahoo!, Deadspin and even The New York Times have linked to our work, which makes us feel mushy inside and brings many sets of new eyeballs to our site; and new people to tell us to go fuck ourselves with a toilet plunger.

Some of these high-trafficked posts were good; some were thrown together in 10 minutes after finding a neat story. All were good for the site.

Here are some of the highlights:

Go take a look and see some of our most-read work.

Best of The Big Picture Week

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 09:45:00 +0000

It's birthday week here. This site turns four on Saturday, so to celebrate, we'll be having a Best Of week.

Our favorite posts, best series and funniest jokes will all be showcased this week in a nice, tidy package.

There will be cake, ice cream and maybe some pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. If you're lucky...

We're going to culminate the week with a mega-ultra huge announcement.

Put on your party hats, buckle your seat belts and let's have a fun week!

Happy Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 08:55:00 +0000

You're not working today or tomorrow, so neither are we.

But we thought we'd rank Thanksgiving food:

1. Stuffing
2. Gravy
3. Sweet potatoes with two pounds of butter and brown sugar
4. Turkey
5. Pumpkin cheesecake
6. Pumpkin pie
7. Pecan pie
8. Mashed potatoes
9. Jello-like cranberries
10. Fruit
11. Squash soup
12. Biscuits
13. Other cranberries
14. Green beans
15. Salad

Happy Thanksgiving, knuckleheads. We'll see ya Monday...

Jumping Stilts for all the bros out there

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 08:05:00 +0000

I found my way to this website for velocity jumping stilts. Not sure how; I must've been wearing my Etnies, drinking a Mountain Dew and feeling EXTREME. But nonetheless, I saw these things that were totally badass!

They look super awesome -- can you imagine doing these plowed? It'd be called Velocity Jumping Stilts under the influence. Like a a VJSUI. That doesn't have a good ring to it. It sounds bad. Not bad: jumping stilts.

Allen Iverson has 3,000 new fans in another continent

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 11:05:00 +0000

Sounds great: new star in town, Jersey-promo night, butts in seats, right?

What happens when the new star in town is off the team in 15 games or less? You get Allen Iverson jerseys in Tanzania.

So what will happen to all of those unused Iverson jerseys?

The Grizzlies plan to ship the jerseys to impoverished children in Tanzania -- the birthplace of rookie center Hasheem Thabeet.

An NBA program -- Basketball Without Borders -- will facilitate the shipment to the African country. Basketball Without Borders is the NBA's global basketball development program that helps education, health and wellness.

Meanwhile, children in Memphis have Marc Gasol jerseys. Would it be wrong to ask which kids are luckier?

[The Commercial Appeal via Ben Maller]

CHAMPIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 09:05:00 +0000

For fuck's sake, can I catch a break???

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 10:25:00 +0000

My fantasy team is fucking good. That's evident by all the points I score every week.

My fantasy team is unlucky. That's evident by my 4-7 record and four-straight losses.

The last three weeks:

Week 9: Lose by LESS THAN A FUCKING POINT!!
Week 10: Score nearly 90 points. Lose.
Week 11: Score over 80 points. Lose.

I am No. 3 in points in my league yet in seventh place. That sucks. Maybe that time I burned ants with a magnifying glass is finally coming back to haunt me.

Fuck this. Fantasy football is supposed to be fun. This isn't fun. Losing is not fun. Having Brandon Jacobs on your team is not fun.

And fucking Ricky Williams! Dude scores three TDs in a game for only the second time since 2000!

Meanwhile, our previous league leader is 8-3 and second to last in points. He must donate to UNICEF and sing at retirement homes.

LockerBlogger: all the cool kids are doing it

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:45:00 +0000

LockerBlogger is the new cool site, like Ballhype or Yardbarker, that does things that we don't really understand, yet other people seem to enjoy it. They have like real life athletes doing stuff which is ultimately why people get in the sports-blog game anyway.

Our boy David Thompson has his own blog there where he writes about stuff that's funny because he's funny and funny people (us) recognize other funny people (him).

We weren't paid to write this. Yet. (Cough, cough).

Morning Headlines: Detroit 38, Cleveland 37

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:35:00 +0000

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Lions-Browns box score]

-Safety not enough as Cleveland stays in last place

-Dawson's huge day (2 FGs, 1-1 passing) wasted in loss

-Mangini: 'We couldn't stop the run'

Your best headlines from Sunday's touchdown-fest in the comments.

Pre-gaming: Wild Wild West

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:05:00 +0000

Welcome to the Pac-10, the only conference that actually matters this season.

With things all but settled in all of the major conferences (and pretty much have been for weeks), we turn our attention to out own backyard where all hell has broken loose and we'll see the first non-USC BCS team since the Joey Harrington Years.

My former colleague, Bud Withers of The Seattle Times, breaks it down for you nicely, including the six-team-doomsday-scenario. This time of year, by the way, I FUCKING LOVE DOOMSDAY scenarios.

It's always fun and dandy until someone gets left out, and then they settle for the Holiday Bowl or Sun Bowl, which neither is a holiday or has a sunny outlook. Seriously, Stanford has had a great year, yet if things break wrong, the Cardinal could play in the Armed Forces Bowl. Seriously, the Armed Forces Bowl.

With a weak slate of games this week, the Pac-10 is really the the only thing that matters. What's gonna get shaken up this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

None. Zero. Zilch. Thanks for scheduling Chattanooga, 'Bama.

None. Zero. Zilch. Thanks for scheduling Florida International, Gators.

No. 11 Oregon at Arizona, 8 p.m., ABC: Arizona has three losses. One came in a close game at then-good Iowa. The second came on a fluke interception against Washington. The third happened when the driving 'Cats made a bad penalty (only one forward pass per play, Nick Foles) and ultimately lost another close game. So Arizona is really 9-0 and in the BCS Title hunt.

Oh, and the winner of this game has the inside track to the Rose Bowl. Nothing on the line, though. Oregon 38, Arizona 31.

No. 10 Ohio State at Michigan, noon, ABC: It's not that this is a good game or anything, but rivalries are rivalries and this is one of the better ones. Ohio State will continue to play not to lose (until they realize that method is no good when they get slaughtered in Pasadena in January), while Michigan will play not to get Rich Rodriguez fired which could certainly happen if the Wolverines continue to play like the Raiders. Ohio State 6, Michigan 2.

No. 8 LSU at Mississippi, 3:30 p.m., CBS.
No. 16 Wisconsin at Northwestern, 3:30 p.m., Big 10 Network.
Oklahoma at Texas Tech, 12:30 p.m., TV?
Kansas at No. 3 Texas, 8 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Cuba Libre

2 oz. light rum
Juice of 1/2 lime
Coke

Pour lime juice into a highball glass over ice cubes. Add rum, fill with cola, stir, and serve.

I knew a guy once who ordered one of these and I think the bartender kicked his ass. Dude, this is a RUM AND COKE WITH A FUCKING LIME WEDGE! Call it what it is.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"ajo@90løkL®Ac∞0#µ˜0a˚m.Aoaq" (Go out there and hit someone).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Oregon State (-31.5) over Washington State. Time to start picking against WSU every week. Gotta get that Bet It Hard record healthy.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 4-7

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Anyone on Washington State

It's hard work playing offensive football, but the object is to get the football from one end of the field to the other without giving the ball to the other team. Back to the basics, Cougs.

Heisman Watch:

1. Wrath
2. Greed
3. Envy
4. Gluttony

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Al Groh, Virginia
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
4. Dan Hawkins, Colorado
5. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame
6. Rich Rodriguez, Michigan
7. Ron Zook, Illinois

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Florida's The Orange and the Blue

Fuck, how many more times are we going to hear this song? I'd say at least 20 just in the first quarter of the SEC Championship game.

Babe of the Week:

Jaime

Nice car...

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Yankees vs. Canadiens: A case study in hate

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:35:00 +0000

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

The Yankees won their 27th Commissioner’s Trophy this fall. As an A’s fan, I am steaming hot mad. This seems to be the way of the MLB landscape where the top-moneyed teams buy up all the best free agents and those of us in small markets sit around and stew. Like this: I cannot express in enough words how completely awful it is that Alexander Emmanuel Rodriquez will receive an over-sized ring that he won’t wear next April. Stinks out loud it does.

Part of what makes the Yankees so awful or rather their fans so awful is that they’ve won now 27 World Series. They’ve been around since 1903 which makes them two years younger than the A’s franchise. (The A’s began in Philadelphia in 1901) They had “Murderer’s Row” and the “Bronx Zoo” and began poaching players from teams in full in the 1970’s. Some of it was other owners being cheap (Charlie Finley) and some of it was George Steinbrenner being a tyrant.

The latter is the leitmotif of the Yankees. Their infield includes the 252-million-dollar centaur, Mark Teixeria’s ugly mug, and Jeter. The pitching staff was created out of the ruins of the Indians and Blue Jays staffs (Sabathia and Burnett) and the rest of it is just old money.

By comparison, I offer the Montreal Canadiens. The most storied team in the history of the National Hockey, Les Canadiens have hoisted the Stanley Cup a total of 24 times since the inception of the NHL in 1918. Part of what made the Canadiens so dominant was that the NHL was a six-team league until 1967. In addition, there was a clause in the draft in the 60’s that allowed the Canadiens two picks in order to select French-Canadian born players.

Needless to say, the Canadiens won early and won often. Twice (the ’55-’56 season through the ’59-’60 season and ’75-’76 season through ’78-’79 season) the Habs won the Cup multiple times. These teams included a large collection of Hall of Fame players, coaches, and executives. The Canadiens are seen as the team to be against the NHL over. But the question is: Are they? I know that they were and are hated by Bruins fans. Ken Dryden’s great book The Game details how Dryden loved playing against the Bruins in the old Boston Garden because of the scope of the rivalry. I also know that the Habs are booed repeatedly by Leafs fans whenever they roll into Air Canada Centre.

The query that I have is: Who is more hated? Is it the Yankees with their entitled fan base, hyperventilating announcers, and disdain for long hair and beards? Or is it the Canadiens with the “bleu, blanc, et rouge” and the banners littering the rafters of the Bell Centre?

NFL's most disappointing teams

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:15:00 +0000

We're past the halfway mark of the season and we know that the Saints are good and the Browns could win their remaining games and STILL be the worst team to ever play tackle football.

But sports blogs don't care about good teams. The media -- or in this case, a blog -- likes champions or complete, utter fuckups...like the Browns. It's not very fun to talk about how the Saints' defense is vastly improved or Adrian Peterson could run for a 150-yard touchdown because he's THAT good. We want losers, underachievers and misery.

While the Browns are mind-fuckingly fucking awful, we all knew that they'd be mind-fuckingly fucking awful. Others who have already thrown in the towel in 2009 weren't expecting such bad things.

Some teams that come to mind:

-Buffalo (3-6)
-Washington (3-6)
-Tennessee (3-6)
-Seattle (3-6)
-Chicago (4-5)
-Baltimore (5-4; two wins are over the Browns which don't count. Another is over the Chiefs which also doesn't count. So the Ravens are actually 2-4).

Somehow we feel that Chicago might be the most disappointing of all. The Bears were 9-7 last season, just missed the playoffs and did all of this with Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman at QB who don't count as real people. So they go out and get Jay Cutler who's good for throwing some touchdowns, nearly as many interceptions and being equally cocky doing both.

The Ravens, AFC Championship game contestants last season, have only two wins that matter (San Diego and Denver) and are in danger of missing the playoffs in the brutal AFC. The upcoming schedule doesn't help: Indy, two with the Steelers, Chicago and at Green Bay. They lose three of those and they'd be in real trouble.

Your most disappointing teams? Do tell in the comments...

Nothing says college basketball 2009 like a 6 a.m. tip-off between Monmouth and St. Peter's

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:35:00 +0000

By the time you read this, ESPN will be about eight hours into their second annual College Hoops Tip-Off Marathon, a 24-hour NCAA basketball showcase featuring 12 live games.

Included is an 11 p.m. contest between San Diego St. and St. Mary's and the aforementioned 6 a.m. call time for Monmouth and St. Peter's. We can't imagine the players and coaches are too thrilled about playing a game with real implications WHEN THEY SHOULD STILL BE SLEEPING , but the university is making the most of the opportunity to host ESPN on their campus and get a nationally-televised game.

The entire Saint Peter's College community is in countdown mode as in 18 hours ESPN will be on the Jersey City campus as the Saint Peter's College Peacocks take on the Monmouth University Hawks on Tuesday, November 17th at 6am as part of ESPN's 24 Hours of College Basketball Marathon.

The Department of Athletics along with the Peacock Nation Club have 12 hours of fun and basketball ready for all students, faculty, staff and alumni to look forward to leading up to the game.

All festivities will begin at 9pm on Monday night as the doors to The Bubble will open for students to participate in "All Nighter" activities. For a full list of events leading up to the game.

College is fun. All-nighters at the basketball gym will be a memorable experience. Perhaps the alumni will drop in for some hoops before going to work. No better way to start a day than with a Peacocks win!

Since this game is starting at 3 a.m. our time, we probably won't catch the action. But we'd greatly appreciate a final score update in the comments when we get up. Peacocks vs. Hawks: College basketball 2009 is on!

College Football uniforms

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:25:00 +0000

Watching plenty of Pac-10 action, we've probably seen more variations of the Oregon Ducks' uniform than actual games. Swear they change those fuckers at halftime.

While Oregon's uniforms are just awful -- really, horribly awful -- there are some FANTASTIC unis out there.

Some of our favorites:

-Texas' all whites
-Penn State
-Georgia's all blacks
-Washington's home (purple top, gold pants)
-Alabama

Are you the type to love the classics (USC, Ohio State, 'Bama)? Or do you go for the more new-wave, gimmicky outfit (Oregon, Georgia Tech, TCU come to mind)? Or perhaps something in between?

Your favorite -- and least favorite -- college football uniforms in the comment, please.

Jason Snelling scored a touchdown yesterday. We know that because of NFL RedZone, the coolest thing to happen to the NFL since the forward pass

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:05:00 +0000

We just ordered the Comcast sports package which is AWESOME! Five bucks a month for NFL Network, Big 10 Network, CBS College, a bunch of regional FSN channels, some other, less awesome channels and the newly-launched NFL RedZone, the coolest thing to happen to the NFL since the forward pass (which we told you in the headline but merits a second mention BECAUSE IT'S SO AWESOME!).

As the network's slogan says, viewers see "every touchdown from every game," hence the Jason Snelling touchdown from the Falcons-Panthers game. Scott Hanson, the network's host, acts as a facilitator, monitoring every game throughout the day and tapping in to the broadcast of the game -- or games. "Let's go double-box!" was about every third phrase out of Hanson's mouth -- with the most important play or drive.

There are no commercials and only highlights when every live game is at commercial. We probably saw less than five huddles all day; the network will take you to a different game after an incomplete pass, challenge, etc.

Our only knock on this football-viewing bonanza is that you miss the context of most games. You don't see many third-down plays, turnovers or long-yardage plays (like kick returns) since they aren't anticipated as being of interest.

But we're going to watch this every Sunday and never miss a touchdown ever again.

Also: The "network" airs for seven hours a week, from 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. on Sunday. We find that incredibly cool.

Morning Headlines: Colts 35, Patriots 34

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 08:45:00 +0000

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Indianapolis-New England box score]

-Stover's kick lifts Colts over Pats

-New England 0-1 on 4th downs in road loss

-Addai, Colts gallop over Pats

That was a fantastic game and a very ballsy -- and puzzling -- decision to go for it on 4th-and-2 from New England's own 28. They punt the ball they probably win. But they were playing to win the game. Gotta like that, but maybe not in that situation. Wow. New England dominated that game.

Pre-gaming: The Miserable Life of the Collegiate Kicker

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:55:00 +0000

No one aspires to be a place kicker. You don't hear of kids who want to be kickers. Not even the kids who are always kicking balls want to be kickers. Everyone wants to be a quarterback, wide receiver or running back. NOBODY WANTS TO BE A FUCKING KICKER!

The kids who like kicking things play soccer only to learn later that nobody likes soccer. Even then they don't want to be kickers.

But every team needs a kicker and that's why you see guys on the sidelines with frosted tips and faux hawks.

And, fittingly, the kicker is either set up to be the goat or the hero. It's either hitting the game-winner or missing as time expires and you have reactions like the guy above. And then, at practice on Monday when you go to high-five the All-America linebacker, he tells you to go fuck yourself because you're just the kicker. (Frankly, had you hit the game-winner, you'd probably get the same reaction).

Agh, the kicker. At least the average guy can do it.

Who's going to be making -- or missing -- game-winners this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

No. 16 Utah at No. 4 TCU, 7:30 p.m., Versus?: I get feelings about games from time to time and I really feel that this one is going to be fucking epic. I get wood for the Mountain West and if TCU wins this game, you seriously have to start considering them for the BCS Title game. Fuck Texas. They haven't beaten anyone. Get the popcorn and 24-pack. This one should be fun. TCU 20, Utah 17.

No. 10 Iowa at No. 11 Ohio State, 3:30 p.m., ABC: I would have made this a four-bunny game if I didn't hate the Big 10 so fucking much. Ohio State 30, Iowa 17.

No. 25 West Virginia at No. 5 Cincinnati, Friday, 8 p.m., ESPN 2: Bill Stewart would be a fantastic grandfather. He just seems to friendly that he'll be happy to put you on his lap and read you Goodnight Moon. He is quite the opposite of former Mountaineers coach Rich Rodriguez who fell more in line with the abusive uncle. Cincinnati 31, West Virginia 21.

Stanford at No. 9 USC, 3:30 p.m., FSN?: Jim Harbaugh could get his players to go rob a bank. He's that good. USC 16, Stanford 14.

No 1. Florida at South Carolina, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I think the story line for this game is going to revolve around how two experienced quarterbacks lead their respective teams. Nothing about the coaches. Florida 24, South Carolina 18.

Notre Dame at No. 12 Pittsburgh, 8 p.m., ABC: Any chance you have to watch the Irish lose is a day where the sun shines brighter. Pitt 28, Notre Dame 27.

Tennessee at Mississippi, noon, CBS.
Texas Tech at No. 19 Oklahoma State, 8 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Simpler Times Lager

1. Any beer called "Simpler Times" is a winner in my book.
2. This beer is 6.2%. That's nearly malted.
3. This is the Trader Joe's equivalent of Budweiser.
4. TJ's is awesome. They are like the cool new kid of grocery stores and they always have cute girls working there. And have fucking great chicken andouille sausage for $4.
5. This beer is A LOT better than Bud, in that it has actual taste and is made from actual ingredients and not just water and excessive advertising.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"wmπnl˜µnz!90;¬am¶˚-1mx-1!er0-#%lQkl" (Don't stop until you hear the whistle).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Georgia Tech (-12.5) over Duke. Let's not forget that while Duke is not the same awful, horrible, disgustingly bad Duke team this season, the Ramblin' Wreck is capable of rushing for 500 yards.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-7

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

C.J. Gable, RB, USC

Now this just doesn't make sense: Gable comes into the season as the Trojans' most-experienced rusher and then Stafon Johnson gets hurt clearing the way for more carries. Nonetheless, C.J., you have played in nine games and have 16 fucking carries! Touch the ball already!

Heisman Watch:

1. Darwinism
2. The guy who gets his heart ripped out in Temple of Doom. At least the guy had heart. ZING!
3. Tiramisu
4. Pearl Jam's Ten

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Mark Richt, Georgia?
4. Al Groh, Virginia

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Ole Miss' From Dixie With Love

It's probably a good thing that this song has been banned. "The South will rise again?" Jeez. This isn't 1850!

Babe of the Week:

Brianna

That bathing suit must be comfortable.

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Bracketology in November: love it!

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 09:15:00 +0000

It's never too early to get Joe Lunardi going. Who are we kidding? The man finishes work in March and then takes a five-month vacation. Livin' the life...

Nonetheless, most teams have played less than three games and we're already looking at seeds. Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan State and Texas all seem pretty safe as your November No. 1s. We love our Dawgs at a No. 3, getting a good draw with the Southland winner in Round 1 and a date with Tubby Smith's Gophers in the second round.

Perhaps our favorite part about these: the last four in and first four out!

Gonna be a lot of sweating for LSU (in) and some hanging heads for not getting that all-important Big East tournament victory (Marquette).

See the entire bracket in all of its glory here. College basketball, folks. Let's get excited!

The Madden Curse now applies to real companies with real people who once had real jobs

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:55:00 +0000

We all know about the Madden Curse and how it turns a once healthy player into someone as brittle as a toothpick structure. Look at Shaun Alexander. He hurts his foot and seemingly forgets how to move more than two steps without falling down.

But once a running joke and eerie string of coincidences has started affecting real people. EA Sports is taking all sorts of financial hits.

Electronic Arts said Monday that it lost $391 million in its fiscal second quarter and will lay off 1,500 people.

EA's loss widened from last year's $310 million in red ink. But on an adjusted basis, EA earned $19 million compared with a loss of $20 million last year. Revenue was down 12% to $788 million.

People losing jobs is not funny. Real shit, man.

What is funny: Michael Vick, Ray Lewis, Donovan McNabb, Vince Young, Brett Favre and Troy Polamalu. You get the drift.

[The Hollywood Reporter via Ben Maller]

The San Francisco Giants in the offseason: still can't take a walk

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:35:00 +0000

Our pal Simon from the cleverly titled blog SimonOnSports asked us some questions about a Giants team that makes us holler in joy and scream in agony. More often scream in agony.

You can read all about the Giants here. To hear about a team who knows how to move a runner over with less than two outs, check back with SimonOnSports at a later date.

Tiger Woods' new home is big, ugly

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 10:25:00 +0000

Tiger Woods has lots of money, little architecture experience and a wife who is hot. That last part doesn't have much to do with anything. But Woods is spending lots of money to build what appears to be a greenhouse. Or a motel.

Is there any wonder that golfer Tiger Woods had everybody working on his new ocean-to-Intracoastal homestead on Jupiter Island sign a confidentiality agreement? I mean, look at this place! It's a cross between a discount motel and a beachside nursing home! But hey, from what I've been told, Woods' Swedish missus, Elin Nordegren, has been calling the shots on this one. Woods in 2006 bought four adjacent properties on the tony island for a Martin County record $44.5 million. The then tore down the existing homes, including a classic-looking manse.

Missing: an indoor mini-golf course.

[Page 2 Live via Ben Maller]