The Big Picture

Pre-Gaming: Where are all the good games?

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:45:00 +0000

It wasn't too long ago that we had weekends where there would be like 10 ranked teams playing one another. The M Zone, one of our favorite college football blogs (RIP), had a fun post one weekend in 2006 where there were seven games between two ranked teams.

Now it seems these types of weekends are obsolete. Not really sure why. Perhaps with the emergence of strong non-BCS teams, when conference foes meet, there aren't as many good games on paper.

Not too long ago, 98% of the rankings were teams from the Pac-10, ACC, Big East, SEC, Big 12 and Big 10. Now you have only 19 teams ranked from major conferences. That's actually still more than we expected -- maybe it's just lousy scheduling in that all the good games are just sort of spread out.

But we remember those days where running errands, going shopping or taking a day trip were completely out of the picture. But now, with usually only one or two decent games a weekend, we'll be hitting Crate&Barrel and wine country on the same day. (Not actually. That would be like sticking your penis in a blender).

Of course there are other good games besides the ones between two ranked teams. But when it comes to Pre-Gaming and other preview columns, it sure makes you think -- albeit for a second -- about going beyond at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Which games will provide pleasant surprises this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 9 LSU at No. 3 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I want to think this game will be epic -- one for the ages. Yet after watching Florida-LSU and Alabama-Ole Miss (the other "marquee" SEC games this season) I just don't see it happening. Rather I see Gary Danielson getting frustrated over the sloppy play and just being generally disappointed. Nonetheless, having Verne and Gary on the call -- and two top-10 teams -- makes this a must-watch. Alabama 3, LSU 2.

No. 16 Ohio State at No. 11 Penn State, 3:30 ABC: I thought there was some simple way where if Penn State wins this game, which it should, and then Ohio State beats Iowa next Saturday, that Penn State would earn the Big 10's Rose Bowl berth. I don't think that's remotely true.

Oh, right! That's it! If Ohio State wins out, which is no easy task (at Penn State, Iowa, at Michigan) the Buckeyes will go to the Rose Bowl.

Fuck. That's no better than Iowa really, except somehow I think Ohio State is good and won't take Iowa seriously when it struggles to beat Arkansas St. and Northern Iowa. Iowa is playing Penn State this week, right? I sorta lost track where this was going. Penn State 17, Ohio State/Iowa 14.

No. 8 Oregon at Stanford, 3:30 p.m., FSN? Versus? TV?: This could go one of two ways:

1. Jeremiah Masoli gets hurt à la Dennis Dixon in 2007 and the Ducks lose their remaining games and end up in the Sun Bowl where they surprisingly crush South Florida.

2. Oregon wins 398-6.

Oregon 398, Stanford 6.

Florida State at Clemson, 7:45 p.m., ESPN
UConn at No. 5 Cincinnati, 8 p.m., ABC
No. 24 Oklahoma at Nebraska, 8 p.m., ABC

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Sake Bomb

1 shot sake rice wine
1 glass beer

It's real easy. Drop the shot of Sake into a glass of beer and the just slam it.

Yeah, slam that fucker!

Nothing quite says college football like a nice Japanese rice wine. And chopsticks.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"jdljaoi˚kjkD330!u9økalπlkakknakjlakjl alkjlAWIkn#$909DAjhlmlk∆˙bzlkpπmƒ∂klhalaeknm kjhkldd8JK*&djalk1E#jn,;kqkj¬∆˜lkjoaxpo,dkjnndjkb?aija~nlkdi¬oçhwq djnlkoi)89u2A!inlk¥ilkadnlknoi Dapnq!jnk*720!knd@4%kn$pqmz1la" (Keep your head up).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Oregon (-7) over Stanford. Did the lines makers not see what the Ducks did to USC last week?! Oregon will be up 14 before the game starts.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-6

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Jamere Holland, WR, Oregon

How do I keep making this same mistake? Starting wide receiver + potent offense = fantasy success. Call it the Wes Welker formula.

But not for Mr. Holland. Oh, no. This season: 10 catches, 138 yards, 1 TD. THIS IS ONE FUCKING GAME FOR A PLAYER! NOT ~~EIGHT~~!

Oh, four. He must be hurt. Still. Karma's a bitch.

Heisman Watch:

1. McLovin
2. The shark from Deep Blue Sea
3. Salma Hayek in Desperado
4. 80s Pop Culture

If I actually had a vote, Houston's Case Keenum and the Vols' Eric Berry (first defender since Charles Woodson!) would be right there. Stewart Mandel also loves that dude from Nebraska whose name is hard to say. But it's more fun to suggest fictional characters might win it because that's how this year's true candidates (Tebow, McCoy) have been playing: like fiction. (YOU JUST GOT SERVED!)

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Mark Richt, Georgia?

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Nebraska's Mr. Touchdown, USA and the Nebraska March

Right out of The Music Man!

Babe of the Week:

Jamie

Pink is the new black.

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Happy Birthday Dad!

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:55:00 +0000

It's our Dad's birthday, so we'll use this space to wish him a happy birthday!

He reads this site and agrees not to tell TBP mother about all the dick, bathroom and sex jokes that occupy much of this space.

We encourage you to wish him a happy birthday in the comments because that's what blogs are for. Certainly not writing about sports...

New Year's Day Bowl Games used to mean something

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:45:00 +0000

Remember when New Year's Day was filled with awesome games like the Rose Bowl, Orange Bowl, Citrus (Capital One) Bowl and Cotton Bowl.

Those pit good teams from good conferences who play in front of fans who are hung over but certainly like good teams from good conferences playing each other.

But the new Dallas Football Classic seems to have little regard for New Year's Day tradition.

Dallas city leaders say the Dallas Football Classic is planned for New Year's Day 2011. The plan calls for using teams from the Big 12, Big Ten and perhaps Conference USA.

The first game will likely pit the seventh-ranked team from the Big 12 against the sixth-ranked team from the Big Ten, should those teams be excluded from Bowl Championship Season consideration.

Super! If the game were played this year, we'd have 5-4 Iowa State and 4-5 Michigan State. Of course neither team is bowl-eligible yet, but that doesn't really matter. Who needs to see six-win teams on New Year's Day anyway? Regardless, everyone will be tuned in to the Cotton Bowl. Oh. Wait. That's now on Jan. 2. Heaven help us...

Morning Headlines: Yankees win World Series

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:25:00 +0000

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[World Series Game 6 box score]

-Pettitte, Jeter lead way as Yanks get key win

-Manuel: 'The bullpen calmed down nicely'

-Swisher, Gardner, others get first ring

And that's it for baseball for a while. Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted. Your World Series headlines in the comments...

These guys could teach Joe Buck a thing or two

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:25:00 +0000

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

I don’t know exactly when, but at some point in the not-too-distant future, baseball will lose a great man. Ernie Harwell -- the voice of the Tigers for 42 years -- will succumb to the cancer currently ailing him.

I have never met Mr. Harwell nor have I been to Comerica Park. I do, however, know what it’s like to lose the voice of your team.

Bill King was the voice I heard every time I listened to an A’s game as a child. When he died in 2005, I was saddened not only because the Bay Area had lost 40 years of broadcasting gold, but also because I felt like I hadn’t heard him enough. From the Holy Roller to Hatteberg winning the 20th in a row, Bill King was there.

I had the opportunity to meet Bill King -- albeit briefly -- in 2004 at Spring Training. My only regret -- as with his overall career -- was that I didn’t talk to him for longer.

I consider Bill King and Ernie Harwell cut out of the same cloth. Legends in their field that almost transcend their sport. I feel the loss of Bill King only when I hear a great moment in A’s past with him on the call. I can only imagine that Tigers fans have the same feeling while listening to games on the radio.

This is one of the many reasons why people hate the likes of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Okay, so there are at least a hundred thousand reasons, but I don’t feel like going over all of them. The best possible way to handle that situation is to give over all nationally televised baseball games to Jon Miller. Miller works Giants games Monday through Saturday and does ESPN Sunday night games. Oh, and he’s a fantastic broadcaster and I’m an A’s fan.

Frankly, I’m not sure there is such thing as a great or even good color commentator. More people tend to focus on play-by-play men like Bill King and Ernie Harwell.

These are men who set the standard for excellence in broadcasting carried out by someone like Jon Miller. They are treasures of the game and are honored as such by their communities and fans. And while I could go on an El-Dorado-sized rant about Bill King not being in the Baseball Hall of Fame, I will abstain. For now.

I would like to offer good thoughts to Ernie Harwell and all Tigers fans. As I said, I’ve never met Mr. Harwell but I hope to go to a Tigers game in person sometime soon. For those of you who may have grown up with a similarly stand-out voice, think a good thought for that person. Whether it be Foster Hewitt, the late Myra Cope or Johnny Most, or Ernie Harwell, treasure those moments when they helped teach you the game.

Square up the shoulders, drive through the ball carrier...

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:35:00 +0000

And a fantastic tackle! Helmet sticker for that one.

While these uniforms look nothing alike, we imagine this will be the example cited the next time both teams want to wear dark jerseys.

Note the reaction at the 32-second mark. Fantastic stuff. Truly fantastic!

[Deadspin via Hot Clicks]

Insert Oregon into the BCS Title discussion

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:25:00 +0000

It's not likely that Oregon will have a shot at a BCS Championship -- the Ducks would have to have all sorts of help to get in the top two of the BCS standings. Probably need five of the seven undefeated teams in front of them in the BCS standings to lose, including Boise State.

Bad news for Oregon. Great news for Florida, Alabama and Texas. There hasn't been a more dominant team the last five weeks than Oregon. They're unstoppable on offense -- over 600 yards of total offense and nearly 400 RUSHING Saturday! -- and the defense is very good. Oregon's speed on offense versus Florida's speed on defense would be a game that we're sure many would like to see.

USC is admittedly shocked and felt like they kept getting punched in the face. It's hard to imagine an offense better than the Dennis-Dixon-led squad in '07, but this team's might be better.

It's seems like another season where Oregon lost to Boise State and lost it's star running back for the season. But the Ducks might be better off with the speed of LaMichael James rather than the bruising style of LeGarrette Blount.

Oregon travels to Stanford next week, followed by the Arizona schools and a Thursday Cival War date with Oregon State. Rolling off 11-straight wins to close the season seems very likely. A trip to Pasadena equally as likely. But will it be on Jan. 1 or Jan. 7?

Morning Headlines: Yankees 7, Phillies 4

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 08:15:00 +0000

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[World Series Game 4 box score]

-Yankees' two-run first plenty as NY rolls

-Utley, Feliz homer as Phils lose

-Jeter: 'Joba was huge for us tonight'

Your Game 4 headlines in the comments...

Pre-Gaming: Halloween Edition

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 09:55:00 +0000

Saturday is Halloween and it's college football, so they're essentially combining two great days which should make one cluster fuck of excellence.

This is where I could go all cliché on you and say, "Which teams have been wearing disguises all season," but that's bullshit and I'd rather talk about candy.

The fact that people just open their doors to strangers and give them delicious treats is one of the greatest concepts in the modern era.

It does still seem funny that when the door is opened -- and ideally there's a mid-4os middle-manager standing there dressed as a fucking astronaut -- the kids still say, "trick or treat." There is no trick. I'm waiting for that guy to say, "We don't have any candy, but here are 12 DOVES!"

Trick or treating is one of the best events there is. And I've done it so much -- pretty much up until college I would knock on doors -- I've become an expert on the candy that's given out. Here's how I'd rank them...

1. Specialty candy: Payday, 5th Avenue, Milky Way Midnight, Chocolate Skittles, Mint 3 Musketeers, Caramello, Reese's Fastbreak, etc. These candies are all spectacular and uncommon, making them Halloween gold.

2. Full-size bars.

More is better.

3. Solid fun-size bars: Snickers, Reese's, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Skittles, Starburst.

Yes. Good. No reason to go all original on us. Stick to the basics and you'll get some happy visitors.

4. Juice.

I used to trick 'r treat in an area that gave out apple juice. You would be going around swiftly, sometimes running in those hot costumes, and you would be previewing your pillowcase of goodness. You get fucking thirsty.

If you go to the juice house first, that's bad. They'll be cleaning up the egg, toilet paper and shaving cream the next morning. But go there later in the night, they're your fucking life saver...ooh, Life Savers!

5. Life Savers.

6. Smarties.

Highly underrated. The sour is just right and the chalk texture is perfect.

7. Hershey's Miniatures. Mr. Goodbar, Krackel, Special Dark.

Highly overrated. Some people love this. Not me. BORING! This is the Big 10 of Halloween candy.

8. Hard candies. Like the kind your grandparents have in their sitting room. (Who the fuck still has a sitting room?) The ones in the strawberry wrapper are especially disgusting.

9. Raisins. Raisins are not candy. Better hire a window washer to get that egg off, you health-conscious prick.

10. Pennies. I've gotten pennies on Halloween. Seriously. These people took the phrase, "Throw money at the problem," far too literally.

Who will be giving us a treat this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

No. 5 USC at No. 10 Oregon, 8 p.m., ABC: This game used to be good for like 100 combined points and 900 yards. Now both the Trojans and Ducks play defense. Too bad. Perhaps it's our Pac-10 bias, but we'd love to see the winner get one of those SEC squads. We'd put our money on SC over Florida or 'Bama. Not Oregon. That's why we're going Trojans in this one. USC 21, Oregon 18.

No. 3 Texas at No. 14 Oklahoma State, 8 p.m., ABC: Colt McCoy might be the most underwhelming QB to have a 70 percent completion rate. Texas 34, Oklahoma State 24.

Georgia vs. No. 1 Florida at Jacksonville, 3:30 p.m., CBS:

The World's Largest Outdoor...

-Pukefest
-Open-air orgy
-Port A Potty
-Culmination of bad decisions
-AA meeting

Florida 40, Georgia 21.

No. 22 South Carolina at Tennessee, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.

Washington State vs. No. 23 Notre Dame at San Antonio, 7:30 p.m., NBC. This is by no means a one-bunny game. It'd be like a negative-six-bunny game if there were such a thing.

Why it's here: BECAUSE THE GAME IS IN FUCKING TEXAS! This makes as much sense as advanced calculus because why would a team from the the Northwest and a team from the Midwest meet for a low-profile showdown in southern Texas? Either the Irish schedule-makers were unsure about U.S. geography or they actually think they're expanding their global reach by playing in Mexico, despite San Antonio not being in Mexico and it's in Texas and Notre Dame is HOSTING Washington State in San Antonio, TEXAS! This is bizarre. Notre Dame 482, Washington State siete.

No. 25 Mississippi at Auburn, 12.21 p.m., Gameplan.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Jager Bomb

1/2 can Red Bull
1 .5 oz Jagermeister

Pour red bull into a medium sized glass. Add a shot glass of Jagermeister, and chug.

A good drink for a tough defeat. Something about chugging uppers and downers seems like it should come with a side of EMT. And these are fucking gross. And will lead to bad decisions...

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"dWnoix®ykjpµ˜lk≈g&skJ!J#" (Don't give up the big play).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Notre Dame (-28) over Washington State. We just predicted that the Irish would win by 475 points. The 28 shouldn't be a problem again the hapless Cougs.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-5

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Nic Grigsby, RB, Arizona

The junior back is averaging 7.5 yards per carry and has five TDs on the year, yet has carried the ball a combined 22 times in the last four games! We know you like to throw the ball 328 times a game, Mike Stoops, but haven't you heard the football axiom: run to set up the pass?

Heisman Watch:

1. Borat
2. The barista from Friends they all wanted to bang
3. Alf
4. SEC referees

Nope. No one wants it, no one gets it.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Ron Zook, Illinois

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Washington's Bow Down to Washington

This legendary piece was written by Mozart, Beethoven, The Beatles and U2 (before they sucked). It is perfect for any mood, event or game and has been known to be an aphrodisiac. It also suffices as a lullaby, Hollywood theme song and elevator music.

It guarantees happiness and is said to help people successfully lose weight.

Babe of the Week:

Heather Rae

Slap a pair of bunny ears on and you'd have a "costume."

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

It's hard work being Tim McCarver

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 08:25:00 +0000

Being a catcher is hard work, man. Gotta be able to hit a nasty slider, handle a similar nasty slider and play at your best in the toughest situations.

For former catcher Tim McCarver, that was the easy part. Trying to broadcast a World Series is much more difficult.

Veteran Fox analyst Tim McCarver used to be a catcher. But, he suggests, his mike presents more challenges than foul tips. "It's a lot tougher to announce a World Series that it is to play in one," he says. "Playing in it, you can do something about it."

It's also tough work when you're not very smart. And, hey, forming complete sentences with verbs and nouns and adjectives is challenging for any grown up.

Not quoted in the story: Joe Buck.

[USA Today via Ben Maller]

The train wreck that is the Washington Redskins

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:45:00 +0000

Very funny sign! Good work, 'Skins fans! Too bad this got you kicked out of the stadium because Dan Snyder is now controlling free speech.

Still, is Snyder the one to blame? He throws money at problems and makes some costly signings, yet are you complaining about Albert Haynesworth, D.C.? Think Zorn might be the right scapegoat in this situation.

There is talent on this team. Sorta. More than a lot of the better teams in this league. Yet the Redskins, along with the Raiders, are the most hopeless organization in football.

But clever fans. Yeah, bring out the paper bags next home game! Though the sign police might make you switch to plastic...

[Mr. Irrelevant via Busted Coverage]

Morning Headlines: World Series Game 1

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:15:00 +0000

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Yankees-Phillies box score]

-Yankees bullpen "costly" in Game 1.

-Girardi: 'Ibanez killed us'

-Rollins' error not costly

Your Fall Classic headlines, please.

5 reasons why the World Series sucks

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:55:00 +0000

Game 1 of the World Series is hours away and, with the exception of 2002, we will likely be watching something else.

Maybe it's the teams, the ample other sporting events going on or FOX's telecasts, but this time of year, we just sorta lose interest. It's kinda the same feeling Orioles fans have in May.

Have similar feelings? Thought so. Here are five reasons why the World Series sucks.

5. Weather

Today's forecast in New York: High of 54, low of 45, rain.
Saturday's forecast in Philadelphia: High of 63, low of 45, rain.

Fantastic. You're shoulder pads and goalposts away from a football game.

4. East Coast

More particular to 2009 than the World Series in general, but it seems that often we'll have two teams competing for a championship that nobody west of the Mississippi cares about. Not that we'd prefer a Dodgers-Angels World Series. Actually, that would be worse. The Giants and Royals would be better, thanks.

3. Fairweather fans

Oh, the guy in the next cubicle over has been, "A fan FOREVER," has he? Sure. Whatever. He also roots for the Gators, New England and the Lakers AND Celtics (because he has ties to both teams).

And don't think we're just talking about the Yankees.

The Phillies have won far more recently than the Yanks who are looking for their first ring since 2000. We've seen more Philadelphia hats in California than A's hats lately.

2. Celebrity sightings

Certainly worse than usual with two big-market teams, but we don't need to be reminded 10 times throughout the game that Kate Hudson is dating A-Rod. If we wanted to see Hudson, we'd rent You, Me and Dupree and proceed to gouge out our eyes with a mechanical pencil. Let's stick to the baseball, fellas, and leave the B-list celebrities to TMZ.

1. Joe Buck

Joe Buck arrives just in time to bring fun, humor and excitement to baseball. Except that he doesn't and he looks at little girls the wrong way. He saps all the fun and pleasure out of the Fall Classic and injects monotone and boredom.

And let's not let Tim McCarver off the hook. He was held back in Kindergarten. Twice.

We're SPORTS blogs, people! Let's keep it that way...

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 08:15:00 +0000

Lots of commentary the last week of what's been going on with blogs bringing to light various scandals and affairs that have nothing to do with sports, yet feel obligated to comment on it.

Deadspin's taken lots of heat for this post and this one. Steve Phillips, recently fired from ESPN for having an affair, is also being talked about throughout the sports blogosphere because people seem to think that a corporate employee who slept with a P.A. is newsworthy.

We're not often ones to judge. This site has been crass as any; but we're talking about real people, with real families leading real lives that are getting really fucked up. Is it blogs' -- or any media's -- place to report on who's sleeping with whom? This isn't fucking TMZ or some other smut-peddling rag. We're sports blogs. We talk about Xs and Os, hanging curves and game-winners and why the Redskins are so fucking dreadful.

Leave the professional mishaps to Human Resources. Now go about talking about things that actually matter...like sports.

Alex Smith is good? Young Alex Smith is good?

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 09:15:00 +0000

Young Alex Smith was a nice punching bag for our jokes to land as this site launched in late 2005. He was the big-money guy who played like a guy, well, who couldn't hold onto the football very well.

Humor turned into sympathy as the guy could never really latch on. Hard to feel bad for a guy worth nearly $50 million, but the guy tried hard, failed, got hurt, continued to fail and then became a backup to Shaun Hill who is recognizable in about 4% of the country.

Is the Alex Smith we saw in Sunday's 24-21 loss to Houston the one that was worthy of a top pick? Pretty early to tell. Don Banks' snap judgment might say so. Not sure about his clock management, though.

We're relatively excited that Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree -- two draft picks, unlike Smith, we were totally stoked about on Draft Day -- are becoming significant pieces of the passing game. (That probably constitutes a snap judgment on the Crabtree front).

Not so excited that the Niners have lost two in a row (and haven't won in three weeks). And at Indy next week. Eesh.

Pre-gaming: College Football is entertainment, after all. Let's go already!

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 10:55:00 +0000

Anyone else, we hate to say it, bored?

This (albeit young) college football season is just missing something.

Where's the BCS chaos?
Where's the epic Heisman race?
Where are the multiple top-5 matchups?

We have Florida, Alabama, Texas and everyone else. And, frankly, those three teams would get crushed by the 2008 Florida, Alabama and Texas.

It just seems that the overall college football landscape is down. And that happens. And that's fine. I understand that not every season can be littered with stars and top talent.

But where's the excitement?

I was on board with a few games last weekend -- Arkansas-Florida was fun; USC-ND got wild at the end; and there was a great finish to the Washington-Arizona State game if you like the feeling of 1,000 daggers covered with cobra venom thrust into your back.

Two weeks ago we had those SEC battles between Florida-LSU and Ole Miss-Alabama that rivaled Lost in Translation in terms of entertainment value. That's when I started to realize that I'm not having fun this college football season.

One of the reasons I so love Gary Danielson calling the (usually) 3:30 p.m. CBS game is because he calls the game as a fan with an analyst's knowledge. So when Florida and LSU were playing a boring, sloppy game, he seemed genuinely disappointed -- like he had been promised Saving Private Ryan and instead got The Thin Red Line.

So I, too, feel a little cheated. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING CLASSICS ALREADY! It's only Week 8. Still plenty of time for some fireworks...

Who will be giving us a show this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

None. Good weekend to go bury your head in a sandbox.

No. 8 TCU at No. 16 BYU, 7:30 p.m., Versus?: I get wood for the Mountain West. The Mountain West is to football as the Missouri Valley Conference was to mid-2000s basketball.

Mid-majors duking it out, playing in front of passionate fans -- some of which can't drink a Pepsi but sure love football! -- in packed stadiums in games that really matter.

Not a whole lot of talk about TCU as a BCS contender yet, but if the Frogs win this game, a mid-November home date with Utah could be the only thing in the way of TCU and a Orange-Bowl berth.

Boise State and TCU would scare BCS bigwigs, while making the college football fan -- and BCS haters -- very happy. Here's to the Horned Frogs and screwing the BCS! TCU 20, BYU 14.

Oregon State at No. 7 USC, 8 p.m., ABC:

Taylor Mays jokes are fun!

-Taylor Mays can slam a revolving door
-Taylor Mays is so fast he celebrates his birthday every 300 days.
-15 minutes saves Taylor Mays 20% on car insurance.
-Taylor Mays can find Carmen Sandiego.
-When Taylor Mays does math, 100 x 0 = 100.
-According to Mapquest, Taylor Mays can drive from LA to Paris in two hours -- with traffic!
-When it rains, Taylor Mays doesn't get wet.

USC 38, Oregon State 27.

No. 13 Penn State at Michigan, 3:30 p.m., ABC: This should be exciting for people who enjoy pastels, vanilla ice cream and reading dictionaries." Penn State 10, Michigan 6.

No. 3 Texas at Missouri, 8 p.m., ABC.

South Florida at No. 20 Pittsburgh, 12 p.m., Gameplan.
Arkansas at Ole Miss 12:21 p.m., Gameplan.
Tenneseee at No. 2 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS.
Oklahoma at N0. 25 Kansas, 3:30 p.m., ABC.
Auburn at No. 9 LSU, 7:30 p.m., ESPN.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Zima

You're 99-percent guaranteed to get your ass kicked, but your team still has a 50-50 shot to win, unless you're North Texas.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"2?@9lamn1#50&AdloipacK" (Don't stop moving your feet).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Georgia Tech (-5.5) over Virginia. Don't let that 2-0 ACC record fool you. This is the same Virginia team that lost to William & Mary.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-5

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Jeremiah Masoli, QB, Oregon

"Day-to-day" is the most frustrating thing a fan can hear. Either you're ready or you're not. It's fucking night and day, buddy. Either your knee is going to hold up or it's going to fall off like a leper. Don't leave us to this speculating business.

Heisman Watch:

1. Keyser Soze
2. Batman
3. Tyler Durden
4. That hot chick from American Pie.

Ha! Like you're winning the Heisman, Mark Ingram. Worst Heisman race I can remember. Can they just not give one out this year?

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Virginia Tech's Tech Triumph

Sorta sounds like something they played near the beginning of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Babe of the Week:

Mia Lai

She probably gets lai-d a lot. Bada ching!

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

'He's going to be suspended for doing a thing like that'

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 08:45:00 +0000

Ah, Ron Artest in the Philippines. Great stuff. Turn the volume up. The commentators are fantastic!

"He's going to be suspended for doing a thing like that."
"Oh yes."

They can't teach that stuff...

Ronnie Brown, with a hotel, is gonna cost you a pretty penny

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:45:00 +0000

Fantastic work by The Pigskin Doctors to come up with this amazing Monopoly Board of running backs by committee.

We've always been a huge fan of the yellow-green corner, though the Ravens'-Cowboys' tandem ain't gonna cut it.

Can always win on the railroads, too. The New England Patriots are always winners...

Bottom line: build, build, build. Even Jerome Harrison with a hotel will fuck you.

[Via Hot Clicks]

Morning Headlines: Phils beat Dodgers to win NLCS 4-1

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 08:05:00 +0000

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Phillies-Dodgers box score]

-Phils score one in 7th, one in 8th to capture NL pennant

- Troncoso (2/3 innings) remains perfect in NLCS

- Phils strand five, but pitching carries team back to World Series

Half of the World Series match-up is complete. Fire away at 'em Phils in the comments.

Cockfighting, rain in Seattle

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:05:00 +0000

Seasonal Affect Disorder is big in Seattle; the rain, cold and gray adds up and causes legitimate unhappiness. A man busted for a cockfighting ring has nothing to do with that.

A South Seattle man accused of raising roosters for an alleged cockfighting ring has been charged.

According to the statement of probable cause, several of the seized roosters had alterations to their body, including wattles, combs and earlobes removed, and one or both of he spurs cut. These alterations are "consistent with those made on birds trained and used in cockfighting," investigators said.

Also found at the home were knives, sparring muffs, tools, medical supplies, iron-enriched vitamins and supplements -- all supplies often used by those who organize or participate in cockfighting rings. Along with the paraphernalia, officers found a dismembered chicken foot "that appeared to be used for practice in applying the knifes," the statement said.

Um, better than dogs? Let the Michael Vick jokes begin. (Seriously, though, there is nothing funny about cockfighting. That's pretty fucked up. Wonder who won?)

The Toronto Maple Sox?

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 08:35:00 +0000

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

The Leafs are 0-6-1 as of Saturday’s loss to the Rangers. Don Cherry has already begun decrying Ron Wilson and Brian Burke but it’s early and Don Cherry’s a Leafs fan deep down. (Note: Any Leafs fan that can confirm or refute the previous statement, please do so). It appears that the Leafs again have issues “in the nets” as former Sharks back-up goalie Vesa Toskala has been less than stellar to say the least. Furthermore, his back-up, Jonas Gustavsson alias “The Monster,” is injured. This -- it seems -- is just another year in the season of the Maple Leafs.

I have tried to figure out a baseball comparison to the Maple Leafs. My first thought was that they were the Boston Red Sox of hockey. They were the second-class team to the Montreal Canadiens and had a history of “almost” just as the Red Sox did. The Leafs did, however, win 13 Cups from 1918 to 1967 and were fairly dominant in the pre-expansion era.

My second thought was that they were the Chicago Cubs of baseball. This, I know, is a tough thing to saddle anyone with. I have a great deal of respect for all the history and lore that is the Chicago Cubs. They have my favorite ballpark (outside of the Coliseum) in Wrigley Field and as everyone knows, haven’t won the World Series since 1908. Furthermore, they haven’t even made the World Series since 1945. What turns me away from a full-on Cubs-Leafs comparison is that there is a part of the Cubs fandom that embraces being the “lovable losers” partying down at 1060 W. Addison 81 times a year. This does not seem to be the arc of the Leafs fan.

I am thus at a bit of a standstill. I know that all three cities have powerful sports media bases scrutinizing their teams. Until the Cubs were just sold, they were owned by the Chicago Tribune. It is my common belief that every last Red Sox game is beamed live and in HD on NESN. Each game has an hour long pre-and-post-game show covering about as much as ESPN tries to do with Monday Night Football. The Leafs are the official team of Toronto even if the Argonauts, Blue Jays, and Raptors continue to play. The only time this may have wavered was 1992 and 1993 when the Blue Jays won the World Series -- although Dougie Gilmour and the Leafs were in the midst of trying to reach the Stanley Cup Finals.

I would like to pose the following questions to Leafs fans: 1. Do you believe the Leafs are comparable to either the Red Sox or the Cubs? 2. Do you think that the Leafs are capable of winning the Cup sometime in the foreseeable future?

A quick revision: I wrote in a previous post that Maple Leaf Gardens was no longer standing. This is false and I will go see it when I’m in Toronto.

Ted Williams saves Halloween

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 10:45:00 +0000

Never too early to start having Halloween parties. Damn, it'd be fun to celebrate Halloween in April. Who needs an excuse to dress up?

This wonderful costume -- Ted Williams' friggin head! -- comes to us from Unathletic Mag with a bounce pass from With Leather.

The whole cryogenic thing has never really made any sense, but nor has math, so who's to complain? If Williams comes back to life (cryogenic freezing brings people back to life, right? As zombies or something?) he'll come back as the first headless .400 hitter of the steroid era.

This totally sucks, but not for me for a change

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 09:25:00 +0000

I seemed to have won by two yards. Yes, after LT's 100-yard night, I won by .01. That's fucked on all levels for the other guy who is an awesome dude and commenter on the site.

Of course, I thought I was losing by about three yards for the last eight minutes of the game when Norv Turner and Phillip Rivers did everything in their power not to give Tomlinson the ball. I was screaming at the TV and think I might've declared Rivers a racist.

But now Norv Turner is my favorite tackle football coach, Rivers is my favorite player and LT is a fantasy stud. Those things are all true except that they're not. But fantasy team is the best to ever play.

Briefly

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 08:35:00 +0000

I've put my finger on those Broncos uniforms: it looks like the University of Alabama football helmet, the late 80s San Diego Padres and zebras had one too many tequila shots. (And then had a threesome).

Meanwhile the Broncos remain undefeated and the NFL's most successful surprise. The Titans, at 0-6, would be at the other end of that spectrum.

Morning Headlines: Phils beat Dodgers to lead NLCS 3-1

noreply@blogger.com (The Big Picture) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:05:00 +0000

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Phillies-Dodgers box score].

-Phils jump on Wolf, Dodgers early; hang on

-Torre: 'Sherrill was huge for us tonight'

-Utley's RBI the difference in lopsided win

Your NLCS headlines in the comments, please.