Fresh Off the Boat

Not To Be Sold

2013-04-14T18:09:00.000-04:00

Sup Based Fobs... It's been a minute since I wrote on this blog but we back. I gave this talk in Melbourne at #Carbon13 yesterday. I'm not an expert on the economy. I'm just a dude that reads the NYT, watches Rachel Maddow, Alex Wagner, reads Franco Berardi, and fux with Jon Stewart. This is all shit that's readily available and full of knowledge darts. But watching the news the last year, I started getting the same exact feeling I had in law school all over again. It's useless to complain about our representatives or put my hope into some dudes who are too pussy to resist lobbyists, private interests, and the machine. We don't enact laws that need to be enacted because of private interests and filibusters. Then when we do enact half-assed laws with blunt instruments, those laws aren't equally administered. There are even fools trying to rig the NYC Mayoral election over meatballs in the Bronx.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

We can only trust ourselves because all these representatives are for sale. Yet, that sentiment leaves us with fear. We don't want the responsibility because duty without a way out makes you feel powerless. The tax code in 2011 had 72,000+ pages. HOW DO YOU GRAPPLE WITH THAT? You kind of can't, but I want people to know... Despite the mountain of fucking wizardry these assholes have cast over our political system, we can make a difference. We've seen it with kickstarter, reddit, wikileaks, digital gravel, baohaus, and any other grassroots movement that used their platform to do something about the way our world is headed.

We are the future and we got to get this shit right. I can't sit here and crack jokes about roors and bang bus like shit is sweet. If our country keeps heading the way it is, there may not be a bang bus and I'm just not ready for that life. Am I really just a narcissist, cause I wake up to vids of Ava's tits?

(if hyperlink doesn't work above here it is from FORBES)

(This is link for video from ABC Nightline)

TED TALK LEAKED

2013-03-22T16:26:00.002-04:00

THANK YOU @TEDLEAKS on @YOUTUBE

Thank You Based FOBs

2013-02-25T11:14:00.000-05:00

JADA, WE MADE IT.

(apologies to every one for Chef Creole's Swag Shirt and constant use of "baby" but trust he a good dude despite the axe body spray vibrations)

1 season, 5 episodes, 15 parts... THANK YOU BASED FOBs FA YO SUPPORT.

It means a lot that yall rode for a show that didn't rely on food porn, voice over, celebrity guests, and the constant proliferation of dominant cultural beliefs. You watched a man slaughter a rabbit. You watched sex workers. You watched betel nut girls. You watched a short, fat, chinaman feed himself until he looked like a jeremy scott bao.

And all the while, you debated in the youtube comments about the issues. A lot of you just wanted to call people chiggers, but those people aside there was a lot of real conversation and it means the world that you mofuckers engaged the show. I hope you guys continue to engage this show and every thing else you see as well. The conversation is what we did it for.

I can tell a lot of you were receptive to flipping things like porn stars, stinky tofu, and food television on its head to see what the other side had to say. A lot of times we don't get the full picture from today's media but the internet is enabling us to actually tell the stories ourselves. To anyone who doesn't fuck with mainstream media and the news, you have no excuse. Get a camera, get your Pretty Indian Producer, get your Italian-Cuban Camera Crew, throw your boy from Santa Barbara into a 10 square foot ply wood edit suite, and tell the story yourself. We have the power to tell stories ourselves. Vice obviously paid for this show, but you can literally report on the things in your neighborhoods with one digital camera and a laptop. You have a duty to tell the world what's going on in your hood and counter the poison they're filling our brains with. No one is going to change the world for you. Do it for yourself.

Once again, thank you for your support, cop the book, and we'll see you for Season 2... Play my music bitch!

Jake Davis #ScreenTests

2013-01-28T10:09:00.004-05:00

Peep my homie Jake Davis blog! This dude capture all the dramatic angles b. Aiiiiiiiiiiiite

Girls Season 2: Ep 2 by special request @mislat

2013-01-22T17:33:00.003-05:00

THESE ARE NOT POLO SHIRTS AND THIS IS NOT A RECAP... I'm going to cover 2 scenes in episode 2: Hanna x Dive Dating x Fetishization and Marnie x Pretty People Haters

Marnie is an amazing interviewee. She's sharper than most people interviewing her, yet, she's aiming so low with her life. We all know these people... You have no idea why they take dead beat desk jobs or play assistant to so-and-so going nowhere editor at fill-in-the-blank dinosaur hip hop magazine when you know damn well said assistant should be the editor.

Marnie goes through the motions in interviews, humors potential employers with lines like "yea, she's not very good at living" and you just want her to flip the table over onto the sidewalk, step on gallery owner's head, and force them to hand over their business like it's Johnny Fontaine's freedom. #LucaBrasi #OfferYouCan'tRefuse

But Marnie ends up doing something more realistic, predictable, but still POWERFUL. She gets a "pretty person job" and I fucking love it. She's getting $400 a night to be a hostess. There are attorneys and doctors that make less. It's one thing when men "gaze" on women and frame their sexuality but it's another for a woman to take it, control it, and own it themselves. Is that what being a hostess is? Probably not. It's not a power position. It's at times a degrading position especially knowing what you're selling, but in my mind it's about what you do with the money. It's a tricky dance, but real boss bitches get paid. SUP JADA STEVENS! SUP LISA ANN AKA THE OTHER SARAH PALIN! SUP SARAH PALIN! I mean, for real, wasn't Sarah Palin basically campaigning for a "pretty person" job? And didn't she lose her power when she lost control of the messaging? If she had used her sexuality and won the office of vice president, it's a win. But, to do reality shows, to do fluff appearances, to do Glen Rice, those aren't "power moves" so to speak. If you control your identity, your integrity, and your messaging, SELL IT short term, but you have to evolve.

Jamaicans sell tank tops with holes in them.

Nigerians sell bubble guns.

Young pretty fly NY chicks sell titties at the hostess stand.

Society sucks. It forces you into these boxes but you have to use what you have to get out.

I sold shirts on the 6-train, I sold porno on 3.5" diskettes, and I sold buns, but I never ever let myself get satisfied. I never took on the mentality of a mother fucker selling buns. I told myself I was a boss and that standing by a steam table selling buns was a short term thing. I was paying dues. No matter how many people told me to stand in a kitchen, I ignored it wrote the book, did the show, and got out. So fuck anyone who thinks Marnie's selling out getting a "pretty person" job. I hate these entitled peons who have the luxury of not taking shit jobs and then clown people who HAVE to take them to come up and pay their bills. #HustleHard

Athletes are revered in our culture and they use their bodies. What's the difference? The difference is that society drew a line at using your bodies for sport, but not sex. Yet, you have to ask yourself in a Partriarchal society why that line is there? Probably cause women could run the world if they withheld the punani... I digress. North Brooklyn Dive Dating and Fetishization of Dangerous Black Men... Leygooooo!

...

The conversation between Hanna and Childish Gambino is fucking amazing. To anyone that thought Sex in the City was ground breaking, please, this show is doing to Sex what The Wire did to the Sopranos when it came out. Girls goes beyond the world that lives within the black box and grapples with the issues cable wants us to believe don't exist. Conversations about dating that are forced to circulate within the margins of faux-post-racial America are fucking useless.

I honestly can't stand Childish Gambino's character on Girls just like I can't stand Hanna but it's fucking perfect. These people exist. Black republicans = They OUTCHEA MANG and they have as much of a right to their shit opinions as the rest of us. Black, yellow, brown, Cuban Republicans, I see you, I don't fuck with you, but yall have as much right to your opinion as I do. To tell someone they should align with a party, opinion, or view point because of the stigmas attached to their skin is bullshit. You have no idea what people went through and any attempts to distill that experience based solely on skin is futile.

Hanna in episode 2 is quite possibly the most despicable character I've ever seen on a screen and it's genius. She's this Oberlin educated liberal white chick who thinks she's down because she "read" about it. The most obnoxious quality in a human being is the inability to recognize when you don't know; that's Hanna. The reason why Girls is so infuriating is because there is an absence of "white guilt". I love white guilt; it's cultural chlorine ridding the social pool of over zealous white know-it-all-ism. And, it's beautiful to see how out of balance conversations in this generation go when a self-absorbed, entitled, white chick like Hanna feels personally slighted and forgets to put her white guilt hat on. It is impossible to communicate with white people without the presence of guilt.

At the crux, that's one of the core through lines in Girls. Most people from dominant culture acknowledge the need for guilt as being drivers in the cat bird seat of the world's foremost super power. I have guilt when I go to Taiwan, I have guilt when I go to the hood, I have guilt when dealing with employees for the simple reason that I'm in a position of power. With great power comes great responsibility and one of those responsibilities is to carry guilt.

I'm out...

For the record, I didn't want to recap this episode cause I felt it was perfect, but shouts to @mislaT for making me recap the ep!!!

GET A FREE BAO TOMORROW!

2013-01-16T16:06:00.002-05:00

PRE ORDER HERE: https://ganxy.com/i/71174/eddie-huang/fresh-off-the-boat

ALSO, CHAR SIU BAO debuts tomorrow and you can get that as your free bao.

Girls Season 2: Ep 1

2013-01-14T00:36:00.002-05:00

This was your classic first of the season catch up episode with one twist...

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A BLACK PERSON!

Yes, yes, Lena has blessed Girls Season 2 with the brother from Bro Rape. I'm very excited even though he's perpetuating that stereotype that black dudes will date anything that has pink nipples even if it looks like stuffed cabbage with a mustard gravy blouse she bought at Buffalo Trader Joe's.

Last week, I went with a friend to sell clothes at Buffalo in Williamsburg. It was fucking hilarious watching people bring clothes for sale that looked like they pooped in them. Like, hey, this isn't designer, this isn't even forever 21, this isn't even defective Polo from Marshall's, but I did have a fish taco accident in it. You want? If you're bored this week, get blazed, get a powerade zero (cause we off them carbs after 3pm, thanks Oprah), and go laugh at people trying to sell clothes they pooped in.

As the show opens, we see Shoshanna exorcising her room of all that clam juice from season 1 when she busted it open for Ray. No lie, Ray is my favorite person on Girls. I feel like in season 3, Lena will reveal that Ray grows up to be Jerry Seinfeld and that Adam gains 200 lbs, loses his hair, keeps every thing from season 1, 2, and 3 in the same wallet and becomes George Costanza. But before we leave Shoshana's room, we see that stupid fucking Keep Calm, Carry On poster. You live in New York Fucking City and you can't find a better graphic print to put on your wall? You could have got this hot shit from Pho Banc!!!

I would much rather hook up with a girl that had a poster saying VIETNAMESE HAMS ARE NOT FOR RESALE!!! on her wall. ESPECIALLY IF EVERYTHING ON HER WALL WAS IN CAPS.

Then we see Marnie: she has lunch, her boss name drops Tom Sachs (SUP HOMIE!), then she lays her off... then Marnie has lunch again with her mom. Man, white people RUN lunch. I can never get away with two lunches and I bet Childish Gambino never gets to have two lunches in one episode this season.

BUT IF YOU MOUTH BREATHERS PRE ORDER MY BOOK THEN I CAN GO ALL M.I.A., EAT TRUFFLE FRIES, AND HAVE 88 FUCKING LUNCHES THIS YEAR! PLEASE BELIEVE I WILL NEVER TELL YOU MY GOAL IN LIFE WAS TO BE A POOR SRI LANKAN REVOLUTIONARY. MY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO EAT TRUFFLE FRIES WITH THE NEW YORK TIMES AND I WILL SHOW TRIBUTE TO MY RACE BY INSTAGRAMMING SAID LUNCH AND THEN YELPING THE RESTAURANT LIKE MY USER NAME IS TWINKLE-TOE-MSG888. YOU ALREADY KNOW: ELITE YELPER SINCE 2008 FUCK WHAT YA HEARD SHE'S AN EXPERT CAUSE SHE MAKES DUMPLINGS AT HOME AND HER BOYFRIEND SAYS THEY'RE DELICIOUS BEFORE HE GREEN TEA CREAM PIES HER AT NIGHT. #BADGUYSHIT

Marnie's Mom makes Marnie uncomfortable at lunch because she's all sexually liberated sleeping with cater waiters and shit. I hope NY Magazine asks this question: "Are Cater Waiters the New Nick Cannon?" I guess if I was an independent, sexually liberated, old bird that had money and thus no need to ever wash another man's wok... I would sleep with cater waiters and couriers from Kenan & Kel. #Feminism #ItsAlive

Poor Marnie... Her Mom's out there fucking any 21 year old with a stack of black napkins and shrimp cocktail, but she hasn't been mashed out since season 1. Lemme know if you wanna ride the Bang Bus, Marnie, I know people who know people.

Lena and Elijah decide to throw a house party. Nice way to just get every one together and tie up this set-up episode. I figure it's all downhill from here and BANG. The absolute best moment of Season 2 so far. Shoshanna air Dj'ing with a dixie cup on her ear and then Shoshanna karaoke'ing Sean Kingston "Beautiful Girls" to herself muttering "suiciiiidal, suuuuicidal".

"DAMN ALL THESE BEAUUUTIFUL GIRLS, THEY ONLY WANNA DO YOU DIRTY... THEY'LL HAVE YOU SUUUUICIDAL, SUICIDAL, WHEN THEY SAY ITS OOO-VER." - The GOD Sean Kingston

And it's at that moment with Sean Kingston dropping knowledge and Hanna dropping draws that I realize... Black dudes and The Kid Mero had it right all along!!! WE SHOULD ALL BE DATING UGLY WHITE WOMEN (mero wife fly FYI). They will hold pans for you to pee in, bring you food, pain killers, and buy you TVs from best buy WITH THE MOTHER FUCKING INSURANCE. I reminisced on all those high school mall dates where I tried to steal girls shit from piercing padoga and they were like "PANDA, DON'T WORRY, I'LL BUY IT." And I was all DMX like "WHAT? .. YOU BUY? ...WHAT? WHERE MY DOGS AT?... COME ON!"

YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE WHITE WOMEN? CAUSE THEY THE ONLY WOMEN IN THE WORLD THAT CAN STILL AFFORD TO BELIEVE IN LOVE AND I TAKE THEM TO THE FUCKING BANK. I LOVE ME A WHITE CHICK THAT LOOK LIKE A WALKING BODEGA HOT BAR. FUCK ME THEN PAY ME!

IM TAKING THE J/M/Z TO BUSHWICK RIGHT NOW TO FIND SOME UGLY FAKE BROKE ACTUALLY WEALTHY WHITE WOMEN! COME ON! X GON GIVE IT TO YOU!

P.S. this whole post is a lie, i bought my girl a dress from wang last week but u can't be mad, i was in the bang bus and ma didn't say anything... silence is an alexander wang dress: COME ON! ARF ARF ARF!

#FreshOfftheBoat LA Pt. 2 w/ Roy Choi

2012-12-17T10:36:00.001-05:00

POW!

Christmas @ Jezebel

2012-12-14T09:25:00.001-05:00

3 years ago, December 24, 2009, we opened Baohaus on 137 Rivington...

This year, we're gonna celebrate our 3 year anniversary on Christmas with THE CHOSEN PEOPLE @ Jezebel. We wanted to highlight some of our favorite dishes from Baohaus and past CNY dinners for our Kosher homies who haven't gotten to try it. So, to all my old friends from Cardozo, this is the time. Come poly with us...

Here's the set menu

(ordering in accordance with Kosher LAW)

Mala Black Sea Bass

Spicy Short Rib Noodle Soup w/ Beef & Fennel Peppercorn Dumplings

Taiwanese Cold Cucumber & Eggplant Plate

Bao Platter

Szechuan Roasted Cornish Hens w/ Broccoli Rabe Fried Rice

Granita

WE DON'T BELIEVE YOU, YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE

2012-12-10T12:32:00.000-05:00

So, we went to Persian LA and I have to say, it was disappointing.

Respect to the gods of Tehrangeles, but I don't feel like a community a collection of shops and businesses makes. Assimilation is a tricky mother fucker and there's good and bad with it is as there is with every thing. If you live in Persian LA, if you Persian in America, let me know what's really good. I want to know what it's like on your side. Not every one needs to bunk up in Chinatowns, Little Haitis, etc. but let me know where you at Persians... because Shahs of Sunset and Andre Agassi's Dad is all we have to go off right now. FAAACKK

#FOB Taiwan EP 1, Part 3

2012-11-26T11:55:00.004-05:00

It goes without saying, this episode was special. I remember when I got my show with Cooking Channel and I told myself, "Gotta get Mom on." I don't know if it's a Chinese thing, a Taiwanese thing, a NY thing, or just a human thing, but when things are good I think of family first. You watch the show and it probably seems like I talk to my parents every day, but it's more like once a month. Once I moved to NY in 2005, I told my parents I'd only call when I had good news cause I was a grown ass man.

I wasn't a kid that needed my parents' opinion, support, or hand holding. I just wanted to make them proud, so, on both shows whether it was Cooking Channel or Vice, I always got my family with me. That's who I do it for. So thanks to every one who watches this episode because this family story wouldn't be possible without your support. It's a special moment for the kid and it's really because of yall.

Lastly, one moment in the show I want to bring attention to. When my Dad says "Japs" we thought long time about taking it out and actually did, then put it back in on Friday during edit (YES, we work overtime yall... shouts to Jarad Jeter and David Laven). My Father's family and Mother's family both were in China up until '49 or '50. My parents are the youngest of 5 and 6 in both their respective families and the only ones of their brothers and sisters born in Taiwan after fleeing China. My father's family lost their home and numerous family members from the war. My Grandfather on my mother's side sold mantou on the street in Taiwan. There's literally one generation between me and that man sitting on a blanket selling bread.

I don't think I'm allowed to hold a grudge nor do I think it's prudent, but he's allowed to. We could have protected ourselves, the show, my father, etc. by pulling it out, but we want to represent the real. You can't go to Taiwan and do an episode without encountering the Japan or China issue. I think any group of people who have had families torn apart by war understands how my father feels. We literally wouldn't have ties to Taiwan were it not for the war. Just like Scorcese left the ill n-word drops in Goodfellas, we kept the Jap joke. "Sorry boys" - Velona

Smack your favorite Chinaman and cop the book

You Wasn't With Us Shootin In The Gym

2012-11-20T22:57:00.000-05:00

I swear I knew what I wanted to do with myself. 30 years ago, 30 days ago, 30 minutes ago, I swore I knew where I was going with this, but there are mad fucking voices in the internet my g.

I woke up today and read articles about living without irony, truth telling about Brooklyn's restaurant scene, re-defining a renaissance as pastime, and of course every Huang's favorite topic of discourse: immortality. This is just another day in 2012.

I get why people would say... Irony is a defensive maneuver; White Brooklyn is overrated; and immortality is within our clutches because I live in 2012, but the thing we have to remember is that we will disagree with all of this in 41 days because it'll be 2013 and in this generation, that's 369 million views of Gangnam Style.

As I sit here listening to Nellie Lutcher's "The Song is Ended... (But the Melody Lingers On)", reading Josh Ozersky impress the White Brooklyn experience on the whole of the borough, drinking a hot soy milk I ordered on my cell phone from my own restaurant, smoking some shit called Durban Poison x OG Kush, I realize that we have every thing and nothing all at the same time.

Even in a post-Sandy-recession-America, we're paralyzed by choice and many times... opportunity. I can remember what soup dumplings tasted like when I was 6. I can remember exactly how I felt when Webber called the timeout and I can tell you what it was like watching the Berlin Wall come down, but I can't for the life of me remember what I wanted to do 20 minutes ago without google calendar. I can't write without a billion fucking digital sticky notes and I can't be on time for anything even if all I had to do is put on underwear and click on Skype, but it's not because I'm not trying. I am.

But it's also not because I don't have the resources because I do. Anyone who tells you they "can't" do something is lying. Anything is possible and not only is it possible, but it's possible this AM, this PM, ASAP, EOD, and if you're across 110th St: V$VP. Yet, every day I fuck it up. Why is it that we have every thing and nothing all at the same time? Because we let old fools TELL US we're fucking it up.

I like that we respect the past. I like that we shop vintage, design retro, and eat slow. I like the resentment our generation has for the mundane, the processed, the co-opted. I like that it's not good enough to just drink beer unless its incredibly shitty cheap beer or incredibly overpriced artisinal beer with a clever name and transcendental graphic design that somehow says every thing we need to know in 12oz increments. I like that people see the value in old dim sum parlors or Mario's on Arthur Ave. We are expected to know what's best. We are expected to know all. We are expected because we have access.

But look Mom and Dad, our "access" and our opportunity is a lie just like that time they dangled Miami in front of Lefty (Donnie Brasco). The internet is just a really fast newspaper. Iphones are just another layer and parents just don't understand that our generation has its own challenges. The same questions you couldn't answer about life, happiness, and existence elude us too. The internet only holds what we put in it. So get the fuck out of my head and let me live.

We want nothing of the middle. We want to celebrate the margins. We try really hard to project meta slacker. Yet, despite Hanna Horvath's mesmerizing attempts to cloak this generation in a blanket of 70/30 USDA choice ground apathy leaking out of a spaghetti strap, we are a VERY ambitious generation. Every Girl in "Girls" is a socially paralyzed product of this generation, but they're not real. They're flat pawns, being moved around in an allegory by a 26 year old woman who will probably run the world in 3 internet years i.e. episode 5 of Season 2. They are caricatures. And although Dinesh D'Souza and friends paint Obama as a left-leaning crazy "trapped in his father's time machine", he is an inspiring boring centrist half-black President who will never make anyone happy because the trademark of this generation is not entitlement but EXPECTATION. We are drunk with the weight of expectation.

Yes, this is our generation: a hyper ambitious lot that's running around like a chicken with no head being portrayed as irreverent, nihilistic, and ironic, but actually trying really fucking hard to live up to the expectations. A place in time where cats chase dogs, girls run the world, and Brooklyn is overrated. When every thing is at our fingertips, it all seems so far away. I don't see my friends, I don't hear my friends, but no matter how much I text, tweet, email, and skype, I miss playing Marvel v. Capcom with my friends on a couch eating cookies from this farm called Pepperidge which I don't believe was actually a farm at all. I go to Katz, I go to Russ & Daughters, John's on 12th, Rao's, and read Andrew Zimmern wax poetic about Uncle Tai's, but what do I know about 1970s New York? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. I like it better because I wasn't there. And people shit on irony, or Brooklyn, or Kobe because they weren't there with a mother fucker shooting in the gym.

But we are... We're here. So own up to it mother fuckers. Broke don't look good on nobody. We want to be rich. We want to ride chrome. We want to leave our mark. So when people tell us it used to be better or Josh Ozersky tells Brooklyn it's delusional or Wampole tells you to live without irony, tell them to suck a holographic bag of dicks because it's 2012 mother fucker and we don't give a fuck, except when WE decide we do.

#FOB Taiwan Episode 2

2012-11-19T12:09:00.001-05:00

We did some "cooking" #BaseGod We did some surfing #SurfNinja We perpetuated stereotypes about Americans by channeling Guy Fieri #CheesePorkMuffin Fuck with the kid Fresh Off the Boat $$$

#YoungTakeOff

Ninjas was hungry

Music for the gods

Son of A-swey

I Read Pete Wells at Night... with no pants on

2012-11-14T12:07:00.001-05:00

Over the last 12 hours, every one has read Pete Wells' review of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar. I first caught the review from Kat Kinsman's tweet containing a list of her favorite take downs. Then, Papa Drew blasted it to every one with a restaurant in NYC sans-BCC which was extra entertaining since I'm pretty sure every one on the email from Emeril to Tony to Daniel Boulud was reading it with no pants on at 1am... or at least I was.

But pants or no pants, we can't ignore the gravity of this review. I guarantee in 2 years, we will look back at this review and say "This was the moment." This was the moment where an essential voice in the food world went on the record and said fuck you food network, fuck you guy fieri, fuck this system of big box restaurants with Cheesecake Factory food propped up by people who can't cook. In a world where half these food writers take free meals in exchange for positive press, where people think yelp has any credence, LUCKILY, we have the NY Times. Thank fucking god for the New York Times because you can trust them. Do I think Michael White got the short end of the stick with the Nicoletta review? Yes. Do I think Danny Bowien is the cutest chef in NYC serving extreme amounts of salt in a myriad of metaphysical Chinese forms? Yes. But do I think the NYT is a source you can trust for honest reporting independent of the "industry"? Yes. It is the ONLY source I know of that you can trust for food critique INDEPENDENT with no strings attached.

*added these 2 paragraphs after reading some other reviews of review*

I've been reading a lot of reviews of Pete's review and just wanted to add this thought. This is a RICO case. We ALL knew Guy's restaurant would suck just like the Neely's sucked, just like every one in the hood knows who's running game. It's not a secret. THE MAN allows things to exist. Hustlers: from the dude with vials to Guy Fieri are ALLOWED to exist. You see them every day. You see vials on the street on the way to the train, you see billboards for the Food Network, Fieri, etc. We walk by every day hoping someone will stunt their money. And that's why I disagree with @wearyourfek (Foster Kramer) about how the article needed more advocacy, satire, or nuance. Why? These people don't deserve that. Liberals have such a problem shooting something in the face, but in life, that's what some things deserve. Guy Fieri doesn't deserve some nuanced, lightly complimentary, back handed critique.

He got exactly what he deserves, a shot in the face. And, it puts people on notice. It draws a line in the sand. ANYONE can get it. Why should the NY Times live in this vacuum only reviewing "industry" restaurants? Food needs to be democratized, but to have an efficient democracy, you need an educated populus. This review should be remembered as the moment we all recognized "Dumb Rappers Need Teaching". We THINK every one knows Guy Fieri sucks or that you should vote Obama, but every one does not know that my g. This was the ill McNulty moment when Wells finally indicted all the people who've been eating off the proliferation of hot trash. It tells us anybody can get it. If Justin Warner is gonna go all big hair and karmaloop clearance rack, this is a review of Do or Dine in 5 years. If I decide to watch bangbros 5 times a day instead of 3, this is a review of Baohaus next week. You push hot trash on the people, you will get dealt with, Scripps can't protect you from THE HAMMER. This indicted Fieri, Scripps, and anyone else opening some sort of celebrity Cheesecake Factory. Just Say No to Hot Trash America. #RICO

*this was the ending previously. it doesn't work anymore but its there cause i don't erase anything from the blog*

I feel this way as a cook, restaurant owner, gremlin, whatever the fuck I am. If we're friends, we're friends, but as a friend, I didn't sign on to support your food unless I really fuck with it and I don't expect you to support mine either unless you really fuck with it. When you shout someone out on twitter, interviews, shows, ect. you should mean it. People TRUST US. They spend money based on our recommendations. It's not nothing. Why can't chefs tell each other "hey dude, the turmeric in the catfish is different than last time?" I love when Andy Ricker comes to Baohaus and tells me that dude with the Cincinnati Reds hat totally flumboluxed the noodles. He is the best "friend" I have in food and I've improved as an owner/chef because he gives it to me straight. I want to tear out Raphael Brion's eyes for giving me that stupid Marcus Samuelsson Fameball Award but I get the irony on the surface even though I disagree. I'm pissed but it's well within his right and I talk to him about it. As an industry, if we kept it real with each other, developed thicker skin and told people what we really think we'd all be better.

The best thing that ever happened to me in my life was that Sifton review. I probably didn't respond the way he wanted, but he'll probably tell you I did the right thing. I speak with words, with video, and Baohaus, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stand behind a stove 60 hours a week. Who told every one that that's what a chef does by the way? Because I don't know one successful chef/owner with multiple restaurants that works the line 5 days a week. Why don't we dispel that myth? Why don't we tell people that's unrealistic given the sub-10% margins at most places? I want the new Lebron X's and I'm not getting them by standing behind the stove at a 500 square foot restaurant every day. I RESPECT the work line cooks do and did it for years, but I tell them all the time, you SHOULD want more for yourself. Would you tell Andy Warhol: A REAL ARTIST PAINTS, stand here 60 hours a week with a paint brush? Why can't we keep it real in food? Why do we constantly reinforce myths about this culture? If you can't stand by your work and need someone to protect you, life will disappoint you in other ways. People telling the truth are not your problem.

Whether you're a new food magazine or a cook or a yelper or a chef or a restaurant owner, don't take free meals for false praise, don't protect "friends", and keep it real on the job because you've CHOSEN to be part of this great culture. If you want to be friends, you want to be liked, and you just want every one to get along, be a customer. We need those. But if you choose to play, respect the game.

#FOB : THE TAIWAN EPISODE

2012-11-12T10:57:00.000-05:00

It's here... the mofuckin Taiwan episode.

In part 1, you'll see Taiwan is a culturally strange island with really idiosyncratic humor. If there's one thing I tell people about Taiwan it's that the place is mad funny, but people are in on the joke. They aren't oblivious. All the time, I laugh at bathroom or public signage and the locals laugh with me. They know it's ridiculous that there are signs that say SAUCE MOISTENING AREA, they just figure it's as close as they're gonna get and they're easy going. Multiple times I pointed out how signs weren't saying what they were supposed to and owners would laugh hysterically, wave the white flag in defeat, and go back to eating whatever pig parts were on a plate in front of them. It has a lot of the hustle that Japanese occupation and Chinese immigration must have brought with them, but at the end of the day it is an ISLAND and people are chill.

Growing up, people always asked "What is Taiwan? Is it China? Is it Asia? Is it Pacific Islander?" Taiwan is Taiwan. It's weird, it's hysterical and loveable. I think it's the pound for pound greatest eating city in the world, but tons of shows take you to night markets but don't capture what it's like to kick it with the people of Taiwan and for me it's non stop spit your soy milk out funny. The most under appreciated aspect of Taiwanese culture is the humor. The island isn't oblivious or stupid, a lot of it is intentional and the awareness is charming.

Oh yea, here's David Laven the producer eating chocolate dillz. We didn't even have to ask him to do it. This dude was like "YO, camera A, you ready? camera b? camera c? Eddie with the instagram? Alright, someone fuck this up cause I'd love to swallow another three chocolate penis cakes if we have time."

P.S. @thekidmero shawties shop exclusively at SWEET CAMEL

Locals with that bbq hot trash flow

This was my favorite hot bar lunch spot. Nothing fancy, but it really felt like eating at home because this one Ah-ma just put out 15 to 20 dishes of random stir fried vegetables, lu wei, red cooked meat, a fried chicken leg, soup, pan fried croaker, etc. You picked and choosed and paid by weight. Whole Foods need teaching.

IRONS

Call me MR. TED FOLKS

2012-11-08T10:10:00.001-05:00

Over the years, as I became more familiar with the life, during the TED Fellow application process, I learned a little bit about the unwritten rules of the Game. So I dropped a few knowledge darts to infiltrate the lifestyle of this secret society... CALL ME MR. TED FOLKS >>> 2013 TED FELLOWS HERE

On our journey we discover a world hidden by night. The world of the Fellow, the player, or mack as these ladies and gentlemen of leisure are commonly referred to in the game. It's a world where the names change, but the game remains the same. As these fellows hit the streets... It's always FELLOWS UP, HO'S DOWN!"

"I wanted to be down since the age of 14, I remember when I first told my Momma, I said, 'Momma, you know exactly what I wanna be when I grew up.' She said, 'You wanna be a TED Fellow!'." - Mr. White Folks

"I break it down like this. There's only one game and that's TED!" - Ice T

"Man there's a art to bein' a Fellow because if it was so easy man, every guy be doin it because every guy want the opportunity to control...The Fellow wants yo SOUL, he got to play you into a coma. He got to work you." - THE BISHOP DON MAGIC JUAN

"Call me MR. TED FOLKS" - The Chef formerly known as Eddie Huang aka The Human Panda aka General Loko aka SARS Blackmon

Fresh Off the Boat Ep 1: Part 3

2012-10-29T11:56:00.001-04:00

What up FOBs? Shouts to every one who's been watching #FreshOfftheBoat we really appreciate the support. Today is Pt. 3 of Episode 1: Bay Area. Congrats to the Giants!

Our producer, David Laven aka Pretty Indian aka The Chubby Artist Formerly Known as Pretty Indian aka Orange Human Panda, was in the D for the game and got arrested for running on the field. I just have to say, Panda for MVP, my producer in the building, Bay Area episode today? You're welcome SF CITY. HUMAN PANDA SYMMETRICAL UNIVERSE STEEZ. But for real, I fux with the Bay and all the people out there. Much love fam, thanks for having us.

Behind the Scenes: FOB EP 1

2012-10-15T11:43:00.002-04:00

Shit that be happenin' behind the scenes

FOB: EP 1, Oakland

DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT @GRENCOSCIENCE

COOKIES #GoodMorning #BackToSchoolSupplies

BIG ASS MEXICAN SANDWICHES #CrewMeal

TRAPPED IN THE BOOTH

ERRYTHANG WAS NICE ON OUR ROAD TRIP UNTIL

WIZ TRIED TO GET HIS 3-STACKS ON #RobbedCruellaDeVil

SUP?

WHO FARTED B?

LADY ASIAN SHOOTER

DAS IT!

AND YOU STILL WATCHING THAT OTHER CHANNEL?

#WashYourButt #MatchYourSocks #WeOffThat

Fresh Off the Boat

2012-10-08T10:45:00.000-04:00

We made it y'all. From Hunan to Taipei to DC to Orlando to Pittsburgh to New York we mother fucking HERE NOW.

It took 2 years and change but we got off that other label and Vice set the kid free. There are no producers on this show telling me to lift that lid again, take another bite, really mean it when you bite it and tell the viewers how good it is even though it blatantly tastes like a rotten Haight Street Birkenstock.

Eddy Moretti showed me the Underground Smell Road, teamed me with this Indian fool rocking a nose ring and a murse, but it fucking worked. Like Zab Judah once said about Don King "He, he... he my sunshine."

We like Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy, LILO and Stitch, Harold and a really 'mo Kumar. One time for the Pretty Indian... Over the next 18 weeks we're bringing you racial, cultural, and wild boy commentary through food.

You'll see squid grilled curbside in the Mission, we'll almost Dick Cheney a guest because I tripped with a shotgun, we'll meet the intercontinental soy milk champ, WB dance with the Kid Mero, but most importantly you will hear voices in places that have long gone ignored. We aren't putting people on the show because of who they know or what they look like. The voices will be raw, uncut, and there for you to agree, disagree, love and hate. I don't even like some of the guests, but that's the point. Every one gets to jump on the track. We want you to engage. We want you to think and we want you to question the way things are framed in the world.

People say the game is to be sold, not to be told; but Vice paid the cost the day they made you boss. Because you watch videos of Kara Crabb cooking vaginal discharge, a business like this lives to spit the real. The magazine, the show, the knowledge, it's paid in full because of y'all. Keep bangin'.

Peace to the Internet gods because this doesn't happen anywhere else. All respect paid to Velona and Jan for finessing all the dramatic angles. #A-Team #LordFinesse #MedicatedKid. Y'all kept me hyped, medicated, and inspired. Shouts to Caroline and Charlie for making sure this shit burns the way it should. One time for Rory, Jarad, Chloe, PATEL (formerly of the A-Team, now on Team Tom Timberlake), Alex, Mike D, Kate B, and Juliette. The Taiwanese Fixer Gods: George and Brian. Lutzky, don't get punched in the face before episode 2. Thanks to Mom an Dad for not using condoms. I'm Out Here. You Out Here. Vice killed the Food Network Star... Lame ninjas be quiet, the chinkstronaut has landed.

WAKE THE FUCK UP 2012

2012-09-27T10:31:00.002-04:00

I AM AN ASIAN MAN AND I THINK ASIANS SHOULD STOP WRITING

2012-09-26T11:57:00.000-04:00

First it was this buffet... (peep the link for article)

Then it was this... (peep the link for article)

Then she posted two photos in the same article wearing the same jumpoff? We get it, you like Forever 21, keep it moving.

Jenny An's article didn't bother me. I didn't even respond. Why? Cause we kick it with Asians...

We kick it with white people...

We kick it with brown people...

We kick it with black people...

Shit we kick it with mofuckin KATE UPTON... GOONIES!

All these Asian dating articles floating around are straight bullshit. WE LOSE every time one of these idiots writes an article because the position they begin their analysis from assumes that your skin determines your character. It doesn't you shit heads. Only in America are Asians relegated to cubicles and laundromats. If you go to Asia you will see. We got mother fuckers in mountains...

We got idiots who think they Chris Brown

We got Asians who are so fucking future

We got Asians with HELMETS ON!!!

Before you people write anymore articles perpetuating stereotypes, free yourselves of racial conditioning. You are not "ASIAN". You are not Chinese. You are not Taiwanese. You are not Vietnamese. I really hope you're not Japanese (j/k). You are an individual. Until you find a voice and detox yourself of stigma, stop defining yourself with labels. I'm proud to be Chinese-Taiwanese-... fuck... American. But until I found my voice as an individual, I had to stop claiming all of the above. I had to shed my skin to reclaim it on my own terms. Do what you gotta do but please... stop writing until you find a voice.

OBAMA BACK!

2012-09-07T10:17:00.002-04:00

In 2006, I saw a Newsweek magazine with this light skinned brother on the front and it said he could be the next president. I did a double take, then a triple take, then flipped through and read about Barack Obama. I went online, watched his DNC speech, listened to his podcasts, read his memoir and wanted to do something to help. Together, Ning-Hsin Juang and I designed this shirt in 2007.

At first, people were hesitant to carry the shirts. I would go on the 6-train between classes and sell shirts out of a box. I'd sell them in the cafeteria, on craigslist, myspace, and donate 10% of proceeds to the Obama campaign. Then, one day, I got a call from Nima Nabavi at Digital Gravel, the first street wear online retailer. He had seen the shirts and told me he wanted every thing: 5 size runs of all colors and they sold out instantly on Digital Gravel. Eventually we had the shirts in 19 stores including the old Union on Spring St. which to this day is still my favorite brick and mortar boutique all time.

That decision to make these shirts changed my life. Not just because we made money, but because I saw how change happens. The day you find something you believe in and say I WANT TO DO SOMETHING instead of asking CAN I DO SOMETHING, is the day your life begins. Stop asking, start doing, and cop this shirt at Baohaus next week. 10% of each shirt will be donated to the Obama campaign. Not "proceeds", 10% off the top. WE OUT HERE. OBAMA in 2012, let's go family!!!

If you don't live in NY, they are available through Digital Gravel online: http://digitalgravel.myshopify.com/products/obama-dream-team-2012-t-shirt

HOW IS THIS HAPPENING IN AMERICA?

2012-08-28T00:02:00.000-04:00

There's no easy way to say this. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING IN AMERICA? This doesn't require a long post. It's very simple: this is entirely unacceptable. Take any other racial group in America... Would we tolerate someone going on TV yelling racial epithets about any other group? What REALLY scares the shit out of me isn't that Megan Lochte calls us "chinks", "ninjas", or thinks "they're whatever we want; they're Asian". I've heard people tell jokes like this to my face all my life which is why I went to 5 schools in 7 years and have a history of assaults on amateur comedians, but how was this show allowed to continue? Who are the assholes in the crowd that laughed? As Americans, we should be ASHAMED if we don't hold every one associated with this accountable.

Rosie O'Donnell, Megan Lochte, Tsunami Song, why is this shit allowed to happen in America? I CHOOSE to live here because I like it. If I thought it was better somewhere else, I'd go. My choice to live here tells you enough about how I feel about America. But, if you are an American, you should not let this stand because it does not represent you. It cannot, should not, and if you say something WILL NOT represent America. But, the next time you wonder why the rest of the world hates America at times, just watch this video

Do Your Thing Wilson...

2012-08-21T19:23:00.000-04:00

For years, a lot of us that lived in Chinatown avoided Nom Wah because it was too grimey... even for people from the hit movie, Gremlins. We respected it as the oldest Dim Sum Parlor in NYC Chinatown, but it looked more like a place for foot massages than almond cookies. Enter Wilson Tang.

People say Wilson revamped the restaurant, but the adjustments were all front of the house. He cleaned it up, re-organized it, got a wine list, and did the things any owner would, but left the kitchen and most staff intact. Yet, when Nom Wah re-opened, received a great review from Ligaya Mishan, and people outside Chinatown descended on the landmark, people in the neighborhood resented it.

Anytime I asked how Nom Wah v2 was, they'd say things like "It's a hipster spot" or "White people eat there". Traditionally, these are valid identifiers of shitty restaurants. It took white people a while to get adventurous and eat "authentic" ethnic food, so, it's only reasonable that it's taking a little time for 1st/2nd gen immigrants to accept that it's possible for them to have good taste. This integration is a two-way street yall.

One day, I decided to try Nom Wah for myself with my boy, Steve, at the recommendation of his Grandma and it was a revelation. Bouncy dumpling skins with perfect pores, toothsome rice rolls, shrimp that was actually cleaned. I mean, really, dim sum joints, HOW ARE SOME OF YOU STILL SERVING RICE ROLLS WITH SHRIMP POOP. If that's authentic, I eject.

Nom Wah became my spot for a few months and I really liked that they served dim sum through the night. Most places cut off at 2:30 or 3pm. One night, I had a date at Nom Wah and for what was probably the first time since Y2K, I was early by 10 minutes. I walked up to the joint, grabbed the handle of the door and stopped. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a food photographer, a writer from grubstreet, and some other industry people at the long table.

I called the girl and we bailed. Not because they aren't nice people, but because Nom Wah had officially become a hangout where you'd get your spot blown. It sucked to realize that I'd have to cross Nom Wah off the date night list, but I'm happy for Wilson and I'm there once a month on weekend afternoons. We complain all the time about American chefs getting credit for fucking up Asian food and putting it on square plates, but here's a guy who dedicated his life to the family business and serves food his parents and grandparents would be proud of. Shit, all of New York is proud of the dim sum being served at Nom Wah, it's probably tops.

Wilson did not "cater" to people outside the neighborhood or make it uncomfortable for Chinatown residents. He didn't tell people he was elevating, refining, or setting a new standard in Chinatown.

All he did was CLEAN THE COT DAMN RESTAURANT. There's nothing wrong with that. Really, "Asian People Who Don't Like Nom Wah", YOU ARE THE HIPSTERS! You are the ones who can't judge things on a case to case basis and instead rely on stigmas that good Chinese food is cheap, dirty, and served by gremlin keepers. One reason a lot of Chinese people in Chinatown are still broke and dirty is because you dumb asses perpetuate it. I bet half of you are yelping from cubicles because you have the luxury of "slumming" it. Get a life; Chinatown is not some poor laborer amusement park you come visit for fun.

It's really rare to see someone running their restaurant in a way that serves the current residents, respects the past, delivers quality, doesn't encourage displacement, while also drawing the next generation of customers. Wilson Tang hit the mother fucking trifecta and he should get a medal. End of story.

P.S. Not addressing "authenticity" here because we've done it numerous times before. Read old posts. Company line: Authenticity is an outdated filter for judging food, but it doesn't mean we can be irreverent about where things are from and how they're supposed to be done. It's fine to break the rules, but only if you're better. Creativity is not license to shit the bed. Like we learned in Major League 2, "If you can hit it, you can name it..." "I call it the masturbator."

The Jeremy Lin Story Belongs in NY

2012-07-16T01:40:00.003-04:00

My boy Uncle Jesse said it best, "Only the Knicks can have a day like this -- J Kidd drives into a telephone pole and we lose Lin, some KNix shit." True story, J... and it's sad. For 2 months, I went to basketball courts and people expected Asian mufuckers to ball hard. I remember playing ball at Masaryk the day after the Lakers game and every time I did anything resembling a positive play, people shouted JLin.

In 30 years of playing hoops, the two months of Linsanity provided the most gratifying basketball moments I've ever had. As stupid as it sounds, there was a different feeling walking on courts and we had fun with it. We saw ABCs flying Taiwanese flags at MSG, American Airlines Center, and the Staples Center among others. Even if we still sucked, we belonged. Asians arrived in the American Basketball Lexicon.

I would never in my life discount the effect of Yao Ming. He's the god, but if Yao exported the NBA globally, Lin penetrated it domestically. He looked like us, talked like us, and had a xanga like us. I could've sat next to this fool in Chinese School, piano concerts, and Kumon Class. My boy Maxwell gave me the SAME EXACT BLACK APPLE JACKET he has on in this video and then I sang the same song as Landry at Karaoke Boho the next night. The kid was spotted at Avenue carrying around one Bud Light all night like he was my brother, Evan! Only an Asian American is capable of getting fucked up, turning red, and being satiated by one bud light for a 3 to 5 hour period. This was the beauty of JLin7, he was real!

He confirmed stereotypes, he broke stereotypes, but we didn't care either way because he wasn't manufactured or forced on us. He just happened and we could tell from jump he was one of us. There was no foreshadowing, there was not a perceived need, but I don't think any of us can imagine Asian America or basketball without him. As much as I wish he had less to say about Jesus and more to say about race, I thank him eternally. My personal agenda and allegiances aren't his nor should they be and that's a tough pill to swallow.

This is bigger than basketball. Yao was going to redefine the NBA on a global level whether or not he played for Houston, but there was something special about Jeremy in NY. The Simpons are from Springfield, the Transformers are from Cybertron, and Jeremy Lin is a Knick for life. He is the quintessential NY immigrant story. Kicked around, down and out, but these days he could stunt like Killa Cam "drinkin' sake on a suzuki... in Osaka Bay". Hollywood made movies like Rookie of the Year, Eddie, Little Giants, Unnecessary Roughness, and the Sandlot, but for once, here it was in front of us: Jeremy Fucking Lin every other night live in the Garden. You can't write a better script than an Asian person starring in an arena with the acronym for Mono Sodium Glutemate; and no matter what a stripper tells me, it's not supposed to end in Houston.

This story belongs in New York! I mean really, is there no sanity in this world? I don't blame the Knicks for Jeremy signing a poison pill contract, but I don't blame Jeremy entirely either. I'm just surprised neither party gave themselves an out to fix this shit before it's gotten where it has. Jeremy wanted an offer, the Knicks were stubborn and wanted him to test the market, he found a crazy named Daryl Morey, and the Knicks just got flattened, backed over, then run over once more by Bun B's Cadillac. Is there anyone that can fix this relationship? Don't comedies of remarriage have a punchline? It can't really be Jason Kidd running into a telephone pole... can it?

...

I don't think anyone debates that Jeremy's value exceeds his abilities as an athlete. On the court, he's some combination of Ginobili's yardsale moves, Harden's goofy handle, and Jameer Nelson's janky court vision. He's a motley of strange skills, but the one thing he has is fearlessness we haven't seen since Allen Iverson. It's the type of thing you get growing up in Hampton, French Lick, or having Asian parents that make you kneel while holding buckets of rice over your head. I remember Carmelo bowing to Lin during timeouts early on, the disbelief on the faces of Knicks teammates, and the constant media questions about whether he could keep it up. All along, you could see that he believed in himself and it was inspiring.