Just Kiddin !

The curious case of biting ducks: The return of Sherlock Holmes

2015-05-25T00:40:00.001+05:30

Hey there fellas! Sherlock here. A lot has changed since last time i talked to you. Watson is on his way to raise a happily boring family with two kids and a perfectly normal wife. Normal is another word for average which is another word for boring. You know me. I can do anything but boring. Meanwhile i met this perfectly crazy girl on tinder. Let's call her Miss Adler. Apart from that i have taken palmistry as a hobby. Don't get me started on the amount of deductions you can get from somebody's hands. And yes, all the hot chicks give you their hand for 'inspection' in a breeze.

So today out of the blue Irene decided that we don't spend much time together. We had a jovial and friendly discussion over how we need to go to fancy restaurants more frequently at least on special occasions (and no irene i repeat myself: Sunday does not count as special occasion). Later a little less friendly one over how I'm a cheapskate. Finally we decided to go to the lakeside.

Lots of ducks ehh. Curious creatures. Absolutely fascinating. I almost forgot Irene at the ice cream stand coz i was busy taking pictures of ducks. She kept insisting on eating as much ice cream as she wanted coz it was her 'special day'. Whatever that means.. ( and I'm seriously concerned about those calories Irene, you really need to watch your eating habits.. If you know what i mean) Amazing little birds. Look at their eyes and you have that creepy feeling that they are trying to form an opinion about you. It's very hard to be prodded by random strangers day and night and not form an opinion about them. I was trying to solve the mysteries of their curious little brains. I thought maybe i should put my palmistry skills to good use. You know. Like read a ducks palm. They deserve to know if they are going to get a hearty meal today or not.

Irene kept bugging me. She can be a handful at times. 'Don't do this.' 'Don't do that.' 'Don't go in the lake.' 'don't stand on my toes you moron'. You get the general idea. I think i was distracted that's why it happened. I was urging this totally harmless looking duck to let me see its palm when it reached out and bit my finger. Horrible little beasts.

We soon found ourselves waiting to get a tetanus shot and possibly a little bandaging. Even the solemn surroundings of a hospital would not calm down the attention seeking impulses of the female brain. I was trying to figure out the mystery of the biting ducks and she was droning on and on about how she was born in this very hospital exactly 26 years back. Whatever.

Sherlock: hmm.. I wonder why..

Irene: i wonder why do i even go out with somebody as forgetful as you

Sherlock: yeah that. And it showed no signs of abnormally aggressive behavior beforehand.

Irene: yeah you bet. Neither am i.

Sherlock: perhaps it was angry at my incursion in its territory.

Irene: i guess it's that stupid pink shirt you always insist on wearing when going out.

Sherlock: oh no. That's my lucky shirt. Reminds me of Watson.

Irene: perhaps you forgot her birthday too

Sherlock: nonsense. I never forget anything i have a photographic memory. I got it.. I had stains of ice cream on my hand which it picked up owing to its acute sense of smell. And my finger appeared like a sweet little piece of vanilla to it. Case solved ! Irene! Irene?

She was nowhere to be found. And she is not picking up her phone either. Watson was very good at this stuff. The childish observations that arose from his tiny brain always helped me think in a fresh perspective. I wish i could find a substitute for him soon. After i finish writing this I'm going to call him to discuss the curious case of biting ducks. See ya around folks!

PS: just got off the phone with Watson. He is of the opinion that i should check my calendar for i seem to have forgotten some essential date or something. If anybody has any clue it would be very helpful. Looking forward to solving the ever growing complexities of the female mind.

You would'nt believe what those nigerian hackers are upto these days !

2015-05-23T11:24:00.001+05:30

This one really takes the rank 1 out of all the online scamsters. I full-heartedly applaud the author for writing such an unconventional and innovative piece of art, in a society that is almost entirely fuelled by repackaging old stuff in new packets. Take a look..

*************************************************************************************************

WORLD BANK AUDITORS/INTERNATIONAL MONETARY

FUNDS (IMF)

Metro Plaza, Plot 991/992

Zakari Maimalari Street

Cadastral Zone AO,

Central Business District, Abuja.Republic Of Benin

Attention:Clents,

WORLD BANK AUDITORS/INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUNDS (IMF)has meeting with the Government of Benin Republic,Ghana,Nigeria and Burkinafaso as we received a report of scam against you and other British/US citizens and Maylaysia,Etc.

The countries of Nigeria, Benin Republic, Burkinafaso And Ghana have recompensed you following the meeting held with the Four countries' Government and various countries' high commission for the fraudulent activities carried out by the Four countries' Citizens.

Your name was among those scammed as listed by the Nigeria Financial Intelligent Unit (NFIU). A compensation has been issued out in ATM CASH CARD to all the affected victims and has been already been in distribution to all the bearers. Your draft was among those that was reported undelivered as at on Friday and we wish to

advise you to see to the instructions of the Committee to make sure you receive your ATM CASH CARD immediately.

According to the number of applicants at hand, 184 Beneficiaries has been paid, half of the victims are from the United States,we still have more 37 left to be paid the compensations of(US$1.5million USDOLLAR) each.

Your particulars was mentioned by one of the Syndicates who was arrested as one of their victims of the operations,you are hereby warned not to communicate or duplicate this message to him for any reason whatsoever as the U.S. secret service is already on trace of the other criminals.

So keep it secret till they are all apprehended.other victims who have not been contacted can submit their application as well for scrutiny and possible consideration.

NFIU further told us that the use of Nigeria and Ghana Couriers was abolished due to interception activities noticed in the above mentioned courier services in Nigeria and Ghana and thereby have made a concrete arrangement with the DHL Courier Company in BENIN REPUBLIC for a safe delivery to your door-step once the beneficiary meets up the demand of the conveyance.

We advise that you do the needful to make sure the NFIU dispatches your ATM CASH CARD on Friday.

are assured of the safety of your draft and availability. Be advised that you should stop further contacts with all the fake lawyers and security companies who in collaboration scammed you. Get back to us immediately to check if the delivery date suits you.fill the information below and forward it to our office for quick process.

YOUR FULL NAME..............

YOUR COUNTRY...............

YOUR CITY.............................

YOUR HOME ADDRESS..................

YOUR CURRENT TELEPHONE NUMBER...................

KINDLY CONTACT OUR OFFICE WITH THIS INFORMATION BELOW

EMAIL( worldba_auditorr@w.cn )

Telephone.....+229 97988072

Call as soon as you receive this message

Yours in Service,

DR.RICHARD OGA

********************************************************************************************

How to train your boyfriend

2015-03-04T10:47:00.001+05:30

(Dedicated to all my Facebook friends, who keep posting there marriage pics day and night. Like seriously.. You guys make the candy crush fanatics seem like cute.. Err..umm.. Tufts of cotton candy or something.)

The matter has been pondered over for thousands of years by philosophers. Most of them couldn't reach anywhere remarkable because they soon got married and never got the time to ponder philosophically over anything again. Ever.

My dear friend Professor Billieus Newtonsteinius ( more commonly known as uncle bill before he changed his name according to the binomial nomenclature) pondered very very philosophically over rolls and rolls of parchment written by geniuses of all kinds. Everybody was of the general opinion that as a dog is a man's best friend, it would be great if somebody applied the time tested principles of taming a dog for the study of taming a man. He spent hours reading from the book The Pan Galactic Guide to Dogs, Wolves and other Delicacies by his good friend Dr. Sago Mud Salad. But then he finally threw it out his window once he discovered that it was actually a book on how to cook dogs rather than train them. (i know, i know... Goddamned Chinese! ) After interviewing our very own Spacewoman SveeTee he came up with a system of his own. In his own words.. "it might not be perfect yet, and we are still trying to smooth out some errr.. Shortcomings, like how do you make it put the toilet seat down after every use. Suggestions are always welcome.

1: let's just assume that you have gotten over your phase of suitable-dog-searchingness and general-disappointedness. Congratulations! for now you have a suitable dog which is not likely to easily disappoint you (or at least your family thinks so) . It might be somebody whom you bought from a shop or could be it just followed you home one day inspite of all the shooing and hurrr-ing. The training thus begins...

2: Young pups are distracted easily. An empty mind is devil's workshop. Never ever let your guys mind rest. Ever. Ever ! When he looks distracted throw random questions at him to keep him busy like, "do i look fat?". Trust me.. Geniuses have failed at that one.

3: You gotta walk that damn mutt everyday, similarly your guy needs exercise to stay fit. We initiate him gradually by making him walk up and down the sidewalk while you hold yourself back from reaching anywhere on time. Once he warms up, take him to more advanced exercises like carrying 14 shopping bags from 42 different shops. It has added health benefits of leaving him broke at the end of the day so that he couldn't even think about having a few beers with other idiots.

4: You keep brushing your dogs hair to keep the ticks off. Ladies... The lesson is clear here. Throw away all his favorite jackets. Dress him in the most idiotic things you can imagine. If he resists, tell him it's more 'mature' or that he looks 'cute' this way. Go crazy on this step. Keep it up until you are not sure it's the same guy you used to like. This should keep other chicks away. And there is more money left for shopping.

5: Bad behavior is always to be discouraged. Whenever he starts ignoring you or shows signs of general disobedience, it's time to take out the heavy artillery. Make sure to remind him how your ex was sooo much better at stuff. If that doesn't work, post ambiguous looking cute and romantic messages on fb indicating that you have just now discovered the true love of your life and how you are ready to move on to better things. If asked about its meaning, just tell him that you copied it from somewhere (which you most probably did)....so there's no need to feel 'insecure'.

I would have loved to write more, but professor is standing over my shoulders and looking with disapproval. Before it dawns over him that I'm giving away his million dollar idea for free i think i should run. I have to take somebody shopping and with any luck have a few beers with the guys later. (that is if I'm not broke by evening) Cya!

The '15 minute effect'

2011-09-18T09:52:00.000+05:30

The new Facebook template for your blog !

2011-06-09T12:53:00.000+05:30

I just made this new design for my blog and i m feeling pretty happy about it. I know a lot of geeks are ready to grab it for their own too. But, sorry guys it is not exactly available for download. You will have to follow this step to step guide i made for u to get the end result.

1. First, get a decent image processing software like photoshop or atleast paint.net

2. Take a snapshot of an open FB page so that u can pick the exact same colours for ur header.

3.The font used in the facebook logo is called 'Klavika'. I found it on 4shared.com.

4. Once u have created an image file for the header, here comes the tricky part. When u try to replace the blog title with the image, it does not goes till the boundaries and is usually distorted. So i replaced the blog title with a 'transparent' gif image made in paint.net

5. Go to blogger's new template designer and go to background tab. Here, upload the image u created earlier in background. Don't forget to uncheck the 'tile' option and check the 'move image with page' option.

6. Remember, u should create a file that's long enough horizontally so that it covers the full screen on larger monitors. Mine is 1366 pixels long, though 1600 would have been better.

7. To remove the blogger navbar, got to the 'edit html' tab on the 'design' page and add this code (in green) in the header just below the template details (in blue)..

--------------------------------------------
Blogger Template Style
Name: ABC
Designer: XYZ
URL: www.stopdesign.com
Date: 26 Feb 2004
----------------------------------------------- */

#navbar-iframe { display: none !important;}

/* Variable definitions
===================

8. To change the default blogger icon on the title bar, u need to make a new icon of ur choice. U can convert it into the '.ico' format using paint.net

9. Read this post from blogger in draft on changing ur favicon and follow their simple instruction.

Happy Blogging !

The new face of political barbarism : Ramdev ?

2011-06-04T20:58:00.002+05:30

I am not a very saintly person. But i occasionally get a little shouty-douty when the clerk at the railway station does backdoor reservations at the expense of those standing in the queue. I really swear though, the thing that never crossed my mind yet is to 'hang the clerk by neck till death' ..or maybe 'make him do kapalbhati till he kills himself'. Well, it crossed the mind of the honorable and graceful saint shown on left. It must be right i think, as lakhs of people are said to be supporting him in his 'satyagraha'.

I don't mind whatever the hell he might have spent on the AC pandals or shit. There are lots of genius people around who want to buy more and more of ramdev special chyavanprash and other premium horseshit. Atleast he had earned it by making a fool of genuine fools. I can't give any more crap about it.

The thing that hits me is the way he asks for death sentence for freakin everything. Now what the hell happened to it being 'rarest of rare' cases that are allowed execution ? Ours is a death sentence obsessed nation. The law is considered a mere tool of taking revenge. Maybe it is the effect of the old Dharmendra movies with dialogues like.. "Bhagwaan kasam, jab tak tera khoon apne baap ki kabr pe nahi chadhaunga tab tak chain ki saans nahi loonga..!!!!!" ( Kutteeeee !!!!!!!). Isn't he supposed to be a 'religious' guy.. or what they call a 'yogi' ? For somebody who claims to have achieved inner peace and whatever other shit, isn't this supposed to be freakin shameful for him ?

How you can bloody fight against corruption by teaching medicine and engineering in hindi, is a logic that hangs my processor everytime i give it a second try. And yeah, banning the 500 and 1000 rupee notes would be a real fine thing. Then i wont have to withdraw money from ATMs in 400-400 batches to get 100 rupee notes. It's really shameful when you show the 500 note to the canteen guy after drinking coffee for 5 rs. Still, i sometimes wonder.. how would the baba have payed for his five star satyagraha in 100 rs. banknotes. Huhh, maybe he used his platinum card. Like i care..

Well, Cruddy just got up after refreshing his mind with his evening dose of 'anulom-vilom' and now he is bugging me that he will hang me in the frontyard if i don't let him play GTA on the computer. I guess this is all for today. Gud night !

You can read about more baba's claims and games at this link..click here

2011-05-01T21:47:00.000+05:30

I wrote this one when i was in school. Found it while sifting through my old diaries... Don't take it seriously. I was 15 when i wrote this. If you don't know about the story of king ashoka, you can read it here

The horses arrayed side by side,

And men keeping the fullest pride,
Having prayed to the kali,
We thus began to ride.

The war clouds went dark,
And owls began to shriek,

And we in camps, began rejoicing,

For the enemy was so weak.

It began to drizzle red,
And red were land and airs,
But neither victory, nor defeat,
Came our way, passed years.

With the doors of Kalinga still meeted,
Our enemy remained undefeated,
With the giant gates our head we beated,
No answer came, no battle repeated.

The answer came at last,
But what an answer it was !
For there was an army of the softer skin,
To slay them, was a justless win.

My weapons dropped, so did my shield,

And under grief i began to yield,
How many men i killed in vain ?
With deep remorse i left the field.

Whatever evil gives pleasure today,
Leads to grieving at the end of the day,
Once look at me, O men of earth,
Before you pass the war god's way.

I am the conqueror of ruins,
The emperor of the dead,
A loser in the most hateful way...

Sir Cruddy goes to the Royal Wedding !

2011-04-30T01:22:00.000+05:30

Face to face..

2011-04-18T17:21:00.000+05:30

Sometimes when the camera is good, it's a nice idea to take closeups. I personally like to keep it a little asymmetrical. When i took this one, i wanted to use it as a wallpaper on my laptop, but it doesn't looks as nice when i try to fit it on a widescreen.

The lighting was very favourable in this one. It was just after a long rainy day that i stepped out to 'hunt' for subjects. This was actually the leftover stump of a tree that had been cut down. New plants have started to grow at the middle of the heartwood. But, i guess it doesn't looks that exciting in a picture as it was in real life.

My 0.002 MP Camera and me...

2011-04-18T16:56:00.002+05:30

It seems like everybody is making a photography blog these days. I know i can't afford one.. cause you know, one has to be a real photographer to fill a whole blog !! So this is just a little of me and my 0.002 MP camera that I hope you would keep tolerating time and again in the times to come..

I found this idol lying carelessy in a well-populated area within my college. We were awestruck that we hadn't noticed it for a long time. It was well camouflaged in the background because of it's greyish discolouration similar to the tree-barch. I have changed the pic to black and white as the colours were quite dull but the shadows were looking awesome. And for the record.. I had actually taken it from a VGA camera in my phone (that's just 0.3 Mega-Pixels)

Pharmacy blues

2011-04-12T18:59:00.001+05:30

Ok, so i have not blogged in a long time. Got busy. And the problem with being busy is that you can't get enough time for the good stuff even though all you have to do is to hang around other busy people and do nothing. I have been sitting and staring at books for long hours during my exams, quite happily because the bookworm-chick-next-to-me is the batch topper. I read quite a few novels sitting backstage at the drama practices, when other people were discussing about "Oh no, those guys on you-tube lifted off our story even before we started making it !". I munched away on the chips in lengthy meetings for the college magazine where other people are doing the dirty work. All i had to do was look up from time to time and say, "Yeah you rock buddy ! We should really make the cover in blue". So you got the general idea i guess..

Anyways, this week i got to attend a medical camp in a nearby village. Now there were five of us med-students and two other doctors who decided to take time off their busy schedule for the community service. We were supposed to pick up our favorite job in the camp. I looked around and saw that the only chairs with cushions were in the van carrying the medicines. So i thought.. what the hell ! I passed in Pharmacology this year... didn't I ? Even though i might have read a few dosages here and there from the bookworm-chick-next-to-me's papers. The patients will never know about it !

So yes, that's it folks. The patients started pouring in soon. The doctors were getting all sweaty from shouting, "Didn't i tell you to stay out of the door and wait for the turn !" and, "Please open you mouth wider.. yes a little bit more.. I said WIDERRRRR !!!" And we got 'busy' with our work too. Sitting around in the van, trying to read every slip that had worse handwriting than mine. After poking around for half an hour with a prescription that read something like 'analfin' .. 'altraz' .. 'aletic' ..I walked upto the doctor and asked him why would he give a 50 year old man something that sounds like an estrogen supplement, he told me that i was supposed to read it 'Antacid' ..and by that he means i can give the man any antacid that's in stock. The evening passed uneventful after that, with some astonishing prescriptions like..

Diagnosis: Osteoarthritis
Rx: Paracetamol

Diagnosis: Chronic alcoholism
Rx: Paracetamol, Vit B. Complex
Advise: Stop drinking

Diagnosis: Chronic Bronchitis
Rx: Paracetamol, Cough syrup

That's what you actually have to do when you are providing medical care for free. People actually turn up just because they are curious that something unusual is happening in their small village. There was a husband and wife who were visiting all doctors in turn, giving new symptoms every time. And when i handed them the usual paracetamol for the third time, they looked at each other and smirked with a "see i told you they give the same medicine for everything !" look in their faces. And then there were some more socially responsible people like the man who walked up to me when i was awfully 'busy'..

Nice old man: "Hey, are you doing checkup for eyes too ?"

Mack: "Sir, please talk to the doctor. Maybe he has some charts for testing vision."

Nice old man: "Ok leave that, do you guys do plaster over fractures."

Mack: "I'm so sorry we are not carrying anything for plasters in the van. (I am just a medical student sucker. I was probably sleeping in the OPD when the PG resident was telling us how to do a plaster)"

Nice old man: "Aww, and you got bandages for dressing wounds ?"

Mack: "Oh my God, what happened to you ?"

Nice old man: "Oh, Nothing happened to me. I am just passing time after my evening tea. It gets quite boring in the summer you know."

The best 3 resolutions you can make in 2011 : Cruddy's New Year Special !

2011-01-01T21:56:00.002+05:30

Hellu Averybuddy ! Cruddy here !! I am fine. Thank you for reeding. That mice guy Mack had been quite jenerus with Cruddy this tyme. He give Cruddy his passworld to Bloger on promice that Cruddy no read no male from his Inbocks. So here I yam, discusing my New Ear Resolutions from you oll. I hope Mister Mack and the reeders wood lyke this guest post..

Resolution Numbar 1.
Cruddy save money this ear. No money, no honey they use to say. Cruddy even waak to tha ofice averyday than to use tha caar.

Resolution Numbar 2.
Cruddy no smoke this ear. SveeT giv Cruddy a buk "How to quit smoking : Quick and Easy". Buk cost 10 cave-dollar. No waste money, remember ?

Resolution Numbar 3.
Cruddy buy Cuban Sigars from tha saved money. Muddy was tolding yesterday, tha Sigars look moar classick and eligent.

By tha way, Mister Mack you have had no e-male from no Bank Mannajer from Burkina Faso. He didunt even talk about any 10 milliun dollor you didunt get from your dead aunt either. You can sleep nice and easy. I have no even change your passworld. You forget it youarself Cruddy thinks.

How to write good answers in your exams... Caveman style !

2010-11-19T03:42:00.002+05:30

Dear ~~bored guys~~ readers.. you already know Cruddy's story very well. This one is about his neighbour Professor Billeus Newtonsteineus who lives five caves next to the Cruddies. People call him uncle Bill (mostly behind his back).. that was supposed to be his real name but during his fresher term at college he was so impressed by his Animaliologistics professor that he renamed himself according to the binomial nomenclature. Here is a page from the internal assesment exam of his student Teddious cavemanious (..and rumors are that he used to be Caveman Teddy about an year and a half ago) ..and by the way, he is currently pursuing his PhD in the field of equine-end-gastric-discharges.

~~~~~~~~~~~ Caveman Central University - Internal Assessment Exams ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Instruction:
1.All questions are compulsory.
2.All questions carry 100 marks each.
3.There is only one question in this paper.
4.Time limit: till the examiner finishes his tea.
5.The examinee is supposed to bring his own answer sheets. The college is out of money repainting the graffiti you did on the walls.

Question 1: Write a long-essay on the mechanical, physiological and chemical properties of horse dung. Explain the proper method of collection and utilization of the same. Elaborate with well labeled diagrams wherever necessary.

Answer 1:
Definition: Horse dung, which has been termed as equine-end-gastric-discharge in the year 1922 b.c. by Dr.Stally et.al. is a very precious mixture of compounds. It is obtained from the rear side of a horse of either gender, color, age or breed. Thus it is a generic character of the Horse family.

Properties:
1.Is blackish in appearance.
2.Is foul smelling.
3.Apparently black in colour, can be even blue, red or green depending on the eyesight of the observer.
4.The shade is usually dark black.
5.Is a semi solid mass.
6.The most common variety is the black one.

Method of collection:
It requires absolutely refined skill to collect horse dung. The collector must be equipped with at least 20 hours of dung-collection experience under a licensed dung-collector before he can do it alone. And then harry potter took out his invisibility cloak and set out in the castle to reach the grand staircase. The portraits on the walls were irritated by the light of his wand and started shouting. The dung collector should wear an apron covering the front of his body and a helmet and groin cover made of metal to avoid the random blows of the equine in the stable. When he suddenly saw professor snape appearing on the marauder's map. He quickly put off his wandlight and started running toward his room, but snape caught him midway and presented 3 different methods of dung collection in 1755 b.c, which are explained in detail below. And then he saw peter pettigrew on the map but he could not locate anyone in person so he dumped the horse dung in the collection pan and ran for his life avoiding snape. Thus, any of these methods can be effectively used to collect horse dung, but the one approved by the international union of pure and applied animaliologistics (IUPAA, estd 1824 b.c.) is the Aristotle's use-a-shovel method. It is shown in the diagram.

Utilization:
1.Used as manure in the corn-fields.
2.Play pranks on people by keeping it in front of their houses.
3.Who the hell cares about the rest.
4.If you still want more, please see the answer number 23 on the page 15 of Plato's Concise Exam Notes. I think i forgot it in my bag outside.

So guys, this might be my last post of this season as my own exams are coming up and as you might have guessed, i too am aiming for A+ this time..

And one day humans would have USB ports too !!!

2010-11-09T18:17:00.001+05:30

This post is from a series of older articles. To read the main story, click here.

To follow A Philosopher's Diary click here

If that is a trick question... it is the worst i have seen

2010-11-03T15:41:00.001+05:30

Holmes: Look here Watson, i just noticed this grand puzzle in an intellectually stimulating site i was surfing through.

Watson: And what's special about it ?

Holmes: You see, it is a trick question in here. The man is actually asking two questions here. 1. What is your IQ and 2.What number do you see ?

Watson: Well... so did you found out your IQ ?

Holmes: I don't know yet.. when i tried to answer the first question, i really can't find an answer because you already know my IQ is above 150 and yet they had no button which reads more than hundred. And when i clicked on the second one's answer it took me to a pretty indecent site.. by mistake i suppose.

Watson: Ohh.. by the way, if ever again you see someone who says he can find your IQ by using Ishihara charts for testing color-blindness, don't forget to tell me. I will personally and officially send their recommendation for the Nobel Prize in Medicine !

Cruddy got a new pet !!!

2010-11-02T11:56:00.000+05:30

And thus they bought the iDog.. with one eye and no teeth. Features include a high sensitivity eardrum which can hear the sound of Mr. Muddy's newspaper falling in their lawn and can use it's special stealth mode to sneak into their house and pee over their new carpet whenever SveeTe wants.. Of course, now they have to buy him iSnacks from the Gobbs Departmental Store every day as he does not touches any other store's food.

This post was related to an earlier series.. click here to view the original post.

Attention seeking behaviour.. ehh ?

2010-10-11T01:22:00.000+05:30

India is full of innovation.. well at least in stealing ideas. So the thing i am going to show u is just an example of what the advertising companies do everyday to grab attention of the viewers, be it the simple advertisement for a toothpaste to pressure cookers... S** sells, and everybody knows that. So, today morning i was moving towards the mess to have my breakfast as routinely as possible when this grabbed my attention...

Below the obvious *** it reads.. "Now that i have got your attention, please read the following notice- There will be no extra diwali vacations for university going terms this year."

Well, i guess that's pretty mean of you to cut our vacations. But, who cares ? It's going to be preparatory leave anyways.

p.s. Watson who was sitting besides me and have just read this, is nudging me to delete this as soon as possible or both of us might be rusticated for ...well ..some reason or the other.

Must be discussing security protocols i guess...

2010-10-11T01:03:00.001+05:30

Dear friends, i understand that u people are already bored of shitty gossip blogs. Don't blame me for this one if it ruins ur day...

As far as the story goes, the people at the pandal (..that is a word for 'tent' in hindi) were supposedly there for an architectural convention. There were apparently a lot of big architects from all over the country inside, and dozens of students of course. And then, all of a sudden it collapsed like a pack of cards... BANG.. ..just like that.

I guess, it could have actually been an experiment on the security protocols of building tents. Who knows. Maybe the dean wanted to give a practical lecture over the hazards of unsafe buildings. I think i should call in Holmes soon to investigate again...

I hope my recipe is cookable !

2010-10-08T00:38:00.000+05:30

I noticed this fascinating title on the front page of Women's Era today.. and i thought that it is my moral responsibility to show this to my dear readers.

No dear, i did not intend to show u the girl in the pic. She had pretty bad hair anyways, so i cropped her out. Look at the "40 cookable recipes" (As I am writing this the spell check is prompting me that there is actually no word like 'cookable' ..sorry microsoft ..err it just pointed out that there is no word like 'microsoft' either !!) I thought i would show it in my blog to prove that how well-read and philosophical man I am, and how every magazine editor is a fool. But you see, they do have a point. The recipes in 'other' magazines might not be as easily cookable as theirs are. Point taken. This is the way it's meant to be. People will keep doing things in a cliche manner just because they have been made to believe that this is the right thing to do. All their school lives they have been pushed and patted by their teachers to write 'poems' (Yes , i hate the word 'poem', that's why i write it with such emphasis. It makes me feel like a stupid child) and they keep on writing stupid literature the rest of their lives because nobody ever encouraged them to do something new.. well ..say, composing 'readable poems' ! (I hope u r really pissed at me now. It really made my day. I feel happy for hours after pissing off people..)

p.s. Dear Watson i wasn't really reading Women's Era ..it was just lying on a table and i clicked this pic. I Swear !!!

Anger Manegement and all the crap about it...

2010-09-29T21:57:00.002+05:30

We now continue the 'tail' of our beloved Caveman Cruddy two years after his marriage with Spacewoman SveeT. To read how it all started, click here...

I guess, you know Cruddy very well by now. He was a cute little man with a long beard and a short vocabulary. But, this much of cuteness was probably not enough for his wife SveeT who took him to an Anger Management Workshop for a small brawl that happened like this..

CavemanCruddy: Aaaarghh !! The world is end today ! Cruddy's hunting knife ran away somewhere.

SpacewomanSveeT: You hell of a man. Your knife was dirty. I cleaned it with Dettol. It is now drying in the sun outside. Will you please mind keeping the cave hygeinic ? What do you think the kids are going to learn from it ??

Cruddy: That my good knife ! You hide it ? Next time, keep back it where at it right place is !

SveeT: And will you please mind telling me where is it's right place you bastard ? It was lying in a corner of the cave. I thought you had thrown it away, but then your favourite dirty underwear was lying right beneath it, so i came to know that you had not thrown it anyways.

Cruddy: That is right place. That is personal corner. Never touch corner again. Cruddy get confused when his stuff you hide away.

SveeT: How dare you give order me aound in such rude language ?? I think it's time for some counselling. I would have sent you to a shrink, but tommorow a hotshot speaker is visiting from saturn. And you ARE going to attend his anger management speech.. UNDERSTOOD ?

Cruddy: Uhh..umm..

SveeT: Good ! I take that as a yes..

So our hero appears next day at the seminar hall in his best suit. Yeah right, the one which he wore to work everyday. The hall was already full of the right kind of crowd, yeah you know local starlets and politicians, all eagerly waiting to pounce upon the opportunity to prove how intell-actual they happen to be. And then...

(spotlight turns on.. a man in a dark suit comes running from the back to the podium on the stage, doing some weird sort of saturn dance as far as we know ...the crowd goes mad with applause)

Mr.Saintson: Hellooooo my dear brothers and their sisters !

(huge applause from the public)

Mr.Saintson: Today when I look upon humanity, I see people burning in the fires of hell. I know people i know, your life has become a burden on you. You need help. Everybody needs help. And that is why I am here for. I am the person you are going to remember as your sole friend for the rest of your lives..

(another round of applause)

Mr.Saintson: And just for the benefit of needy souls like you (which includes in my opinion almost everyone) ..a super life changing formula ..the discovery of the century ..the megaselling hotshot product which has changed the lives of millions ..I present to you THE FORGET-STRESS-QUICK-AND-EASY-MEGA-SUPER-BOOK !!!

(the crowd goes wild with excitement)

Mr.Saintson: It is a life rennovating idea which has been under research from our soon-to-be-nobel-prize winner scientists for almost 10 years. And the success story does not ends here ! We are soon going to announce a High Definition (HD) version of it too !!

Caveman Buddy: Yay Cruddy bro. U see that ? They are going to write that book in HD !! Can anyone beat that quality ?

Caveman Cruddy: Errr...

Mr.Saintson: ..and the people who buy our super-combo-pack will get a pack of my life-changing-space-tech-get-slim-chocolate free !!!

(a fat lady in the front row faints)

Mr.Saintson: And now i will show you a LIVE, here-in-your-face demonstration of my ANCIENT and TIME TESTED BRAND NEW FOMULA right now !! YES you heard it ! I will teach some of my tricks to you here and now ! And not only this... the people present here will get a special discount for my next show also !!!

(crowd starts jumping up and down like chick-peas in a frying pan)

Mr.Saintson: So, for my first live demonstration I am going to pick up one of you as a volunteer... (pager rings) ..ahh, here is a messeage from the adorable madame spacewoman SveeT who says her evil husband must be hiding right in the crowd somewhere. ..(pager rings again) ...and she also says ..ummm he must be sitting behind a leggy blonde somewhere, because that's where she usually finds him whenever he gets lost in the jogger park.

....err you mister, yes yes it's you ! You are the well known mister Cruddy, right ?

Cruddy: F*** ! That woman kill me someday. It so embarrasing. I hate everyone !

Saintson: Now see. Our info had been right after all. You do need a bit of anger management right now mister Cruddy. Take a deep breath and count 10.. 9.. 8.. 7.. 6..

Cruddy: You Sainty ! You no even know straight counting. You go school again I say !

Saintson: Well well, I must say it is these kind of negative views about life that is the reason for your unhappiness Mr. Cruddy. You need to learn about positive thinking.... And for this ladies and gentlemen our company will soon be launching a new package..

Cruddy: Errrr.. positive what ??

Mr.Saintson: Positive thinking ! You must be glad to know.... that..

Cruddy: Hussshhh.. After Caveman Muddy got HIV positive, Cruddy no touch nothing positive. You a dangerous man. Cruddy says time to go now..

Mr.Saintson: You see Mr. Cruddy. You have insulted me so much already. But did I even get a little angry at you ? NO, ladies and gentlemen NO !! And I remind you again.. you can now order our products even from the phone. Just Dial..

Cruddy: Be dangered Brother and Sister. This man a big liar it is. Cruddy waste no more money. Go home allbody. This is just a fool man !

Mr.Saintson: What the HELL ! I spend all my day running around, dressed like an idiot ... FOR THIS ?? I dont even get to eat my food on time. I am so busy copying old writer's ideas that I have not met my family for an year. Sometimes i sleep in the passenger seat of my limo, trying to make a living. Putting up a fuckin show everyday, whether it is day or night. I have sold out all my peace, my life, my family for this day ? For fools like you Bloody Cruddy ! Just get the hell out of here before i kill either you or myself !!!

Cruddy jolts around with a look of panic in his eyes. He walked upto the stairs, but then comes to a halt and turns..

Cruddy: Take a deep breath ! Count 10.. 9.. 8.. 7....

What a medical teacher takes years to learn...

2010-09-20T20:58:00.002+05:30

PG resident: Ok boy, now you tell me " What is Wohlfart-Kugelberg-Welander syndrome ? "

Mack: Sir it is a very rare disorder characterized by ...xxxxx

PG resident: Excellent ! You will be a nice dctor one day..
********

Assistant Professor: Tell me the new advancements in the field of malaria diagnosis.

Mack: Uhh, sir it is diagnosed mainly by microscopic observation.

Assistant Professor: That's nice to hear, but you should actually keep your eyes open for the latest research also.
********

Professor: Tell me the importance of taking pulse and what can you diagnose from it ?

Mack: Sir pulse... pulse is the.. the feeling of heart beat in the extremities of..

Professor: It's high time that you start reading your textbooks son. You will never succeed till you make it a habit.
********

Dean: What do you understand by fever ?

Mack: Uhh, sir raised body temperature..

Dean: Even the cleaning staff outside my office can tell me that. Next time i want something that a real medical student should know.
********

Commandant: Aaj tak injection diya h kabhi ? (have you ever given an injection before?)

Mack:........err, well. .. .sir..

Commandant: Not your fault dear. I will ask your professor to arrange one practical lecture on giving injections soon..
********

p.s. this post was inspired by our great commandant who was stalking everyone outside the clinics today, asking "aaj tak kabhi injection diya h tumne ?"

When do you know your doctor is making a fool of you ?

2010-09-15T10:35:00.002+05:30

This one happened during my surgery rotation. A major (read: PG resident, as ours is a military college) sent a patient for testing blood sugar after the OPD consultation. She came back with the report after half an hour…

Mrs.Fatlady: Doctor saab, here is the report. Please tell me if something is serious.

Maj.Clinicwala: Dont worry aunty, your report is all normal.

MrsFatlady: So?

Maj.Clinicwala: So, take the medicines i have written earlier and you will be fine.

MrsFatlady: I came from such a long distance and you say my report is fine ! You wasted my time and you knew nothing is wrong with me. You are a bad bad doctor.

Mack: Sir, just give her sugar pills.

MajClinicwala: You should be happy mam, you are all right.

MrsFatlady: But atleast give me something. I am standing for half an hour outside just to show this report. And you say i dont need medicine. I will never come to a free hospital again !

MajClinicwala: Just go away mam. You are wasting my time.

MrsFatlady: I will complaint to your professor ! You dont know anything about treatment. YOU ARE JUST A QUACK.

(and she sped down the corridor, screaming at the top of her lungs…)

Men from Mars, Women from Venus ! : How it all started ?

2010-09-09T22:28:00.002+05:30

This is a long ‘tail’ from long time ago. There used to be no tailless species of mammals on earth then. Suddenly one day, a venusian spaceship zapped across the evening sky. It’s long colourful body shone in the usual weird way that UFOs are supposed to behave even though it was thousands of years ago. It grazed past a dino munching on the topmost branches of a palm tree, and almost hit it in the ear. The ship stopped midair (Thank God, pileups were not so common those days !) and a pilot waved out from the window and yelled at the dino for standing right in the middle of nowhere. Leaving behind the dino with a stupid look in the eyes, it passed on and landed on the top of a pine tree after three hours of thoughtful calculations (though it toppled over the ground almost immediately). A beautiful looking pilot stepped out of the ship with careful steps (so as not to mess up her make-up). She wandered around for some time, admiring the new environment around her, and noting things very rapidly in her notebook when she first saw this mud coloured creature behind a rock staring at her with wide eyes. She walked up to the creature and said…

Spacewoman SveeT : Hello there earthling ! It’s an adoringly remarkable planet of yours. I am SveeT, Pilot of ‘Sugar : The Cutest intergalactic space voyager’ , and the president of ‘Spacewomen Knitting Association’. May i know your fine name sir ?

Caveman Cruddy: I no earthly ! I Cruddy, I come Mars. What you want ? I no time.

Spacewoman SveeT: That’s a rude reply mister. You seem to be doing nothing to me. You were just sitting there and staring from behind a rock.

Caveman Cruddy: That is work. I go in cave, when work. No disturb me when i in cave !

Spacewoman SveeT: A hundred apologies gentleman. But, please tell me how do you came here, all the way from Mars ? I have heard gossip that Mars is a home for intelligent species called ‘Men’ , but no on has been able to find supportive evidence for this yet..

Caveman Cruddy: I wenting to Mars Moon, but i GPS forgot. I am the great Cruddy. I ask no direction. I land on earth. Very peaceful here I say. Fruit on the top of tree, water in the lake. Cruddy very happy here.

Spacewoman SveeT: Oh, such a sweet little person you are mister ! You are so philosophical. I totally agree with your views on the earth’s heavenly surroundings.

Caveman Cruddy: You say Cruddy sweet ? Cruddy so happy. Let we be friends !

Spacewoman SveeT: Wow, you are so friendly and nice. What are your hobbies mister Cruddy ? I write poems… you can read them on my Facebook page.

Caveman Cruddy: Cruddy love poem !! ‘like’ ‘like’ ‘like’… Cruddy will read all your poem ! Can we go, eat dinner on tree top now ?

Spacewoman SveeT: Ewwww ! Dinner on tree top. That’s a gross place to eat mr. Cruddy. Can we be seated somewhere else where the service is a little better ?

Caveman Cruddy: Eww … Ewww.. Ewwww ??? Cruddy not understood Ewwwwwww !

Spacewoman SveeT: Haaaan !! …that means your species has not discovered the most advanced words yet. I dont think you will understand even ‘Hmmm’, ‘Huh’ and ‘Duhh’ ??

Caveman Cruddy: Your alien language. Cruddy not know. Worry not. Cruddy got iPhone. With lots of dictionary in it !

Spacewoman SveeT: Woah ! You live in a cave, but you have an iPhone ?

Caveman Cruddy: Cruddy no live without phorn… Umm.. Cruddy mean ‘phone’.

Spacewoman SveeT: Your race appears to be much more technologically and spiritually advanced than us mister. You people live with iPhones in caves. I am so sooo impressed mister Cruddy. You are so handsome.

Caveman Cruddy: You too so nice, mm.. mma. maddam SveeT ! Your eye nice, your nose nice, your finger nice, your.. your umm.. your pimples nice.

Spacewoman SveeT: How dare you ! People are beheaded on our planet for pointing out pimples !! You are surely not much civilised Cruddy boy ! But, worry not... I will start making vital changes in your routine activities and behaviour once our race settles on this planet. You will be so thankful to us one day for this.

Caveman Cruddy: Ummmm… Cruddy sssays sorry ! Cruddy no fault. Cruddy love SveeT.

Spacewoman SveeT: Oh you are so innocent dear Cruddy !

Caveman Cruddy: Cruddy innocent ! SveeT marry Cruddy ?????

Spacewoman SveeT: I will have to take permission from our senior species advisor in this aspect Mr. Cruddy. Please submit your application on the reception of my spaceship. You will probably be notified soon.

Caveman Cruddy: Yay ! Cruddy so so happy today.

It is believed that Cruddy got married happily to SveeT after that and thus began the new Human race. Some conspiracy theorists also believe that Cruddy hacked into the spaceship’s transmission system and changed the rejection letter from the SveeT’s senior advisor friend. The theory hasn’t been proved yet as all of these scientists were found dead later on under mysterious circumstances. We will continue the story after the marriage of Cruddy and SveeT in the later chapters of this book. Till then, GoodBye !

Clinical History of a Facebook Addict….

2010-09-04T01:30:00.005+05:30

This post is the one inspired from the thing we med students do most of the time in our hospital, that is taking the history of a patient.. :)

Patient Name: Coolguy287
Age: 24 yrs
Sex: Male
Residence: East street cyber cafe, Pune
Occupation: Student
Informant: His FB profile
Reliability: God knows

P/C (that means.. Presenting Complaints):
Acute attacks of logging into FB wherever and whenever possible X 6 months

HOPI (History of Presenting Illness):
My patient was apparently asymptomatic till 6 months back when he reported acute attacks of FB overuse which were insidious in onset and gradual in progression. They were characterized by episodes of long lasting chat sessions, which were generally relieved by the cafe owner requesting to shut down the shop. The episodes were of remitting and relapsing in nature, with intermediate lucid intervals in which he remembered to go home and have meals. He also gives history of certain associated symptoms, which are described in detail below.

The paroxysms of FB use started gradually over a period of 2 weeks when he found out his ex’s profile and sent her a ‘friend request’. It is suspected that the transmission of infection took place over this period of contact. The prodromal symptoms of ex’s contact subsided soon, after she posted a video of her new host male over her profile. Their was a short latent subclinical period after the initial manifestations.

Later he presented with spells of fever, with typical symptoms of Farmville infection. The patient reportedly had sleep apnoea and woke up in the middle of the night to cut his strawberry harvest which he was anxious about. He also reports an episode of urinary incontinence when he found out that his idiot friend has gained more points in 3 less days than him. The condition was reportedly self-limiting and the bout of this fever subsided in about 4 months, after which the patient has had only one relapse when he apparently received a golden hen from his friend. (note: The hen has been recovered and quarantined for further laboratory investigations.)

H/o (History Of) answering absurd surveys to gain FB credit +ve

H/o posting his farmville photos on his profile, with the intentions of making friends jealous +ve

H/o changing the profile pic frequently and reported to be attempts to attract opposite sex +ve

H/o going on a ‘like’ spree in which he would ‘like’ each and every status update his friends posted, in hope of getting back some stupid comments on his own status updates +ve

H/o subscribing to a santa and banta jokes site to find out new and interesting status updates which would be liked by girls

No h/o sending stupid items to friends found

No h/o begging for free pigs and dogs on the farmville forums found

Diagnosis:
Chronic Facebookalgia with acute exacerbations due to heart trauma, and brainstem involvement

Differential Diagnoses:

1.Hyperexaggerated form of Acute Orkutian Syndrome

2.Embolization of fat cells into brain, which he has accumulated over the long period of time sitting in front of his web-browser.

Investigations Advised:

1.Hb, TLC, DLC (as usual)

2. Further investigations not required as the patient already came with reports from private laboratories which include: ‘Know your future from the crazy microbiologist’ , ‘How useless is your time ?’ and ‘What is the name of your craziness’

P.S. We have called Dr. House’s team at Princeton Plainsboro twice. He says that he needs to run further tests on the patient. For further reference he has sent us the email address of Dr.Foreman, but he constantly refused to give away the Gtalk id of Dr.Cameroon. (Screw him ! Our team thinks we should call Dr.Meredith Grey from Seattle instead !)

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Why you shouldn't behave like sherlock holmes !

2010-08-24T14:23:00.005+05:30

The MedCine-club in the college has come up again with a show of Sherlock Holmes this week. Why the hell they have this crazy name i don’t know. The Cine part of it rarely talks about the Med part. And i don’t even have enough money to hire Sherlock holmes to investigate. But let’s not waste time on this. The last time we saw Sherlock Holmes movie, me and Watson (Names changed to protect the identities of real people ..out of which Holmes is going to be myself) after our usual saturday night movie together (Yeah, ‘our usual’ as we have not yet started entertaining girls who keep stalking us.. ) decided to gather our leftover bucks for the month and give Dominos a friendly visit. It is a nice cosy place about the size of a small garage large enough to hold a single millitary truck. That’s not much i know.. well there are only 6 tables and not much of a scenic view. But it’s almost never crowded and has a nice romantic mood, with cool soothing music playing all over. If i had a girlfriend, it’s the first place i would take her to. So that day, when we walked in and settled down ourselves we saw this hot resident from the skin department sitting 2 tables away from us with this guy, going all chatty with him. That’s when i thought we should start practicing our own art of deduction…

(I whispered to watson who was sitting right opposite to me..)

Holmes: Don’t turn over watson, there is that hot Dr.xxx from the dermat sitting two tables right behind you.

Watson: You fool, i saw her when i entered here.. that’s why i choose this seat so that she wont see me.

Holmes: Wow! she got a guy with her. Looks older than her, is wearing a red t-shirt and they are sitting at right angles to each other.

Watson: Everything goes well with me as long as she does not cuts my attendance in clinics. Now shut it up and pass me the ketchup.

(That’s one boring thing about Watson, that he is rarely interested in things that are not boring. So, i raised my voice a little)

Holmes: I don’t believe it you can be so pathetic at this thing… Wait, i cant see a ring on her finger. Looks like she is not engaged yet. But, she is sitting at right angle to the guy, that’s not what couples do in their initial meetings. It looks like the problem is more chronic.

Watson: For all this discussion, he could turn up to be her brother in the end.

Holmes: No, he cant be a brother, or even a long distance cousin for that instance. She is getting that large smile and a twinkle in her eyes… it just can’t be a brother.

Watson: Will you please stop staring at them. She might catch me tomorrow in the hospital, and then both of us will be dead for good.

Holmes: She is wearing slippers ! And no just any slippers, but the average small red completely cheap homely slippers !!

Watson: If you keep doing this, I am sure one of them is coming for your face.

(Maybe that’s what he was trying to avoid when he bent over his chair a little more, with the pizza a few inches from his face.)

Holmes: Now look, she never wears such a cheap thing even at the clinic. Haven’t you noticed ?

Watson: So ?

Holmes: So by this we can make out that she is very comfortable with the guy and past the point of early phase of flirting.

(It could have been a little more accurate had my concentration not been broken by the children of the sardarji family sitting right next to our table)

Watson: That’s dumb. She is just having a pizza with a guy in a small outlet of Dominos.

Holmes: So you are indicating that she might be trying to avoid the family’s attention by not dressing up too much.

Watson: I am not saying anything. And be careful with the Coke, you are going to spill it over.

Holmes: Now i can rest the case finally. She is seeing this guy for some time now, without telling the family. And they are on a date tonight.

Watson: Why would anyone take a girl to Dominos for a date ?

(We were almost shouting in whispers at this point of time..)

Holmes: And why would you say that ?

Watson: No, like really this is not a good place for a date !

Holmes: That’s crap ! YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING !!

Watson: I am telling you, THIS IS NOT A GOOD PLACE FOR A DATE !!

I don't know what the hell happened after that. The whole place fell silent for a moment. The resident bent over to have a better look at us. The sardarji’s family sitting next to our table was the least affected, only the mother looked at us (with wide eyes ?) and then resumed to settle the rattle her children were making. And i think the girl at the counter dropped a menu or something from her hand.

Watson: Did i just say it loud "this is not a good place for a date" ?? This is all because of you. And from today onwards you will never wear that shirt with the pink stripes on it !!

Holmes: Why ?

Watson: I can never explain it to you ! And remember, after we are finished here, you are not supposed to keep your hand on my shoulder in the streets. People might be using their own art of deduction on us !!

All i know is that Watson finished his pizza at a hurried speed after this conversation, gulped his coke and then never went to Dominos again.. he prefers the home delivery now. If anyone understood why, please tell me right now as my deductive powers have almost failed me here...