Random Musings

Sam

2009-07-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

Today is the 5th anniversary of my brother Sam's death. This blog entry was slightly modified from something I wrote soon after losing him.

What do you say about someone you could never have imagined living without? Sam was always there, since my earliest memories. He was more than a big brother; he was one of the biggest influences in my life.

Sam was my teacher. He helped teach me to read, taught me to play with Legos, taught me to fish, to ride a bike, to climb trees, to cook creatively and adventurously, to do all sorts of fun and wonderful things. But he taught me so much more---to enjoy reading, and to have a bizarre sense of humor, and to be who I am today.

Sam was my protector. and defender. He fought off bullies and, when they got to me before he could stop them, Sam was quick to execute justice on my behalf. I always felt safe with Sam. He wasn’t just my bodyguard; he protected me emotionally as well. He was all a big brother should be.

Sam was my hero. As a little sister, I thought he was simply amazing---brilliant and capable and strong and brave. I still think that, especially after watching him fight his own personal “Battle of Helm’s Deep”---his courageous struggle to conquer his insidious cancer.

Sam was my friend. Not just a friend, not just a good friend---for many years, he was my best friend, the one who knew all my childish secrets, the one I could depend on without fail. As children, we were so inseparable and so bonded that we even invented our own language. As adults, we shared an apartment and enjoyed each other’s company so much that people sometimes thought we were a married couple.

Sam brought a tremendous amount of joy to my life. He could make me laugh like no one else could. I could talk for days---no, for the rest of my life---about all the fun adventures we had over the years. In our adult life, Sam and his wonderful wife Joan gave me the great joy of being an aunt to three of the most terrific, beautiful children in the world: Brendan, Emily, and Quentin.

Sam also, to be honest, broke my heart. The first time was when I was three years old, and he refused my proposal of marriage. Everyone who knows Sam knows he wasn’t perfect. I don’t think Sam ever intended to hurt me in any way, but when you really love someone, heartbreak is unavoidable. And now...while my heart is still seemingly broken beyond repair at losing my wonderful older brother five years ago, I know that in the end, God will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and we will be together forever in a glorious place where there is no more sorrow, no more cancer, no more goodbyes, no more grief, and no more death. See you forever, Sam. Thank you for being such a wonderful big brother. I’ll never forget.

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Happy Birthday, Youngest Child!

2009-05-25T09:41:00.001-07:00

Great news! It looks like half my children will be coffee drinkers. Youngest enjoyed his first coffee, a mocha from my favorite coffee place. He even liked my capuccino.

What a wonderful guy. Hard to believe my baby is 12.

-- Post From My iPhone

She lives to post again

2009-05-12T11:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes real life has a way of interfering with life on the internet. There's been a lot of that going around lately.

And sometimes it seems as if there is nothing much to say. And there's been a lot of that lately too.

I'm hoping that, on the other side of all this stuff going on, that maybe I'll have a whole slew of posts about how, yes, His grip on me really was way, way stronger and more sure than my grip on Him. And maybe I'll even be able to share a little bit of what that looked like.

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Humor?

2009-04-03T10:52:00.000-07:00

Offspring #3, aka "strapping young man": Don't take this the wrong way, but don't you think there is something a little bit funny about a brain tumor? [He prefers to refer to refer to my husband's pituitary tumor as a brain tumor, for the sake of drama.]

Husband [in deadpan voice]: No, I don't think it's a little bit funny...I think it's hilarious!

You would have had to have been there. My husband's timing and delivery was classic.

Apologies to all those who are dealing with real, serious brain tumors. No, they aren't funny. (Although we'll never forget the woman in our church who, after having a large cancerous tumor removed from her brain, lettered "This space for rent" on her bandage.) I suppose it's not surprising that our children have been infected with our oddball senses of humor, and with our tendency to react to things with semi-morbid attempts at joking.

Me: I'm sure you can understand why your father forgot your weekend plans.

Same Offspring: That's OK. He has an excuse --- he has a brain tumor.

Or then there was this...

Husband [after viewing his MRI]: That tumor looked huge compared to the brain.

Me: Well, yes, compared to your brain!

My brother Sam, best big brother in the world, was still being funny up until days before his death from melanoma. Some people might think this sort of joking is inappropriate, insensitive, and a form of denial. But, in our defense, it can be good medicine.

Our tears and fears are bonding us closer as a family, but so is our laughter.

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In sickness and in health

2009-04-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

Last October, my husband came down with a bad sinus infection that he just couldn't seem to shake. Doctors prescribed antibiotics in increasing strength. We tried to figure out what was going on in my husband's body that had compromised his immune system to such a degree, and that was rendering him weaker and weaker by the days. He was gripped with extreme fatigue and only his willpower, determination, and incredible work ethic enabled him to drag himself to work. Evenings, he would come home and collapse on the couch or in bed.

We tried this treatment and that. Sought an assortment of specialists in and out of mainstream medicine.

To make a long story short, we now have a diagnosis: panhypopituitarism due to a pituitary adenoma. What this means is that a rather large benign tumor has squished my husband's pituitary gland to the point that it is pretty much failing to function...which means the endocrine system is following suit.

On April 9, a skilled neurosurgeon will remove the tumor. We'd like to hope that pituitary function will return, but he has told us that this is not likely.

Through this trial, I have grown to respect and admire my husband all the more. We have actually managed, despite his exhaustion and health problems, to enjoy each other's company. In many ways, we are closer than ever. We have even found lots of things to laugh about.

Our family has faced another trial as well. As a friend of mine used to say dramtically, "we have been passing through deep waters". We have not quite yet reached the shore. It may take a long, long while.

God is faithful. Amazingly so. In extremely tangible and practical ways, as well as in secret ways that only one's heart can know.

All that stuff about Jesus never leaving us nor forsaking us, about His being made strong through our weakness, about those who wait upon the Lord renewing their strength? It's all true. More than I could have ever hoped.

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Is my faith a crutch?

2009-03-27T07:33:00.001-07:00

Could be. Lately I've been limping pretty bad. In fact, the times I thought I was walking OK, I suspect it was really Jesus carrying me.

-- Post From My iPhone

A broken & contrite heart

2009-03-27T07:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's easy to be transparent...up to a point. It's not that hard to 'fess up to things that others already know about us.

But the hidden stuff we don't want to admit even to ourselves? Not so easy. Everything inside balks at real confession. We are too afraid, too stubborn, too prideful, too selfish, too full of deceit to want to agree with God over the depth of our sinfulness.

To do so would break us. Utterly and completely. We fear that shattering, find it unnecessary, and prefer to minimize and rationalize our sin.

But we have the assurance that our God will not despise a broken and contrite heart. It is only through seemingly irrepairable brokenness and grief, and the lowliest humility that accompanies such despair, that we can ever become truly whole.

Only when we reach the utter end of ourselves will we be able to truly rejoice in the amazing scandal of grace.

-- Post From My iPhone

Long overdue update

2009-03-25T20:41:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been a long time since I've posted. Here's just a little of what's been going on:

1. I still drink coffee.

2. We've been going through some...er...interesting times in our family.

3. Jesus truly is Lord...and a faithful Friend like no other. He keeps His promise to never leave us nor forsake us.

4. My marriage is all the more precious to me during some current rough times, especially as my husband has had a season of ill health.

5. I still teach martial arts.

6. Mothering doesn't become easier when the children leave home. It's different, less hands on, but sometimes more heartbreaking.

7. Twitter can take up a lot of time, but it's also a great way to follow current events, trends, etc.

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More weighty misconceptions

2009-01-14T05:47:00.000-08:00

Here are a few other things I hear too often when the subject is fitness or weight loss:

1. The only reason women go to the gym is because they are vain. And that's sinful! Actually, I've asked a lot of women why they work out at the gym. And here's just some of the reasons we've come up with among ourselves, in no particular order:

part of physical therapy after injury
doctor's orders
to prevent and/or treat osteoporosis
as a preventative measure or treatment for other health conditions
stress relief
husband insists on it
need the increased energy level it brings
had to improve my fitness level in order to keep up with my children & their activities
to set an example of health & fitness for my children
weight loss
in order to be better able to fulfill job requirements
friends thought this was a healthier way to hang out than just eating & shopping
to maintain health in old age
to have a healthier pregnancy, labor, and birth
so I won't be as much of a burden to my family in my old age
helps me sleep much better at night
to maintain good heart health
fun activity to do with my husband
thought I'd try out the free trial membership and was surprised how much better I felt
to cope with the pain of arthritis
to deal with lower back pain
friend invited me
singing coach suggested it to improve my posture and breathing
other types of exercise I tried (biking, jogging, etc.) made my asthma worse
to experience the health benefits of a good cardio workout coupled with weight-bearing exercise
to prevent muscle atrophy and/or bone loss that most women suffer at my age
when I couldn't bend over to tie my shoes, it shook me up enough to join the gym
children pleaded with me to do something to improve my health
mother nagged me to start exercising
to fit in a smaller dress size for some special upcoming event

Sure, some of those, like the last one, could be thought of as a sign of vanity. (Although the last one could be sentimentality or a desire to please one's husband. I know several women whose husbands begged them to wear a long outgrown special dress --- sometimes even their wedding gown --- for a special anniversary or event.)

I'm 50 years old. I've had six children, which has taken a heavy toll on a body that was not that great looking to begin with. When we were engaged, my husband told me that I was certainly not beautiful or pretty and that the best thing he could say about me was that I was "kind of cute". Since then, whatever bit of cute I may have had has long since faded. The best you could probably say about me now is that I'm not significantly overweight and I look younger than 50. [Edited to add: my family disagrees with this assessment. My boys think I'm beautiful and my husband says I've actually grown better looking which each year. I was told to add their opinions, biased by love though they may be.] But I have no delusions that there is any workout on the planet that will put in what God left out or undo all the damages of pregnancy and aging.

Vanity would have never gotten me out of a warm bed on cold, dark mornings and to the gym at 4:30 in the morning, so that I would be back home again before my children got up. Anyone who has ever seen me would hardly accuse me of vanity; if anything, I've been accused of not caring enough about my appearance. (My husband is pleased that finally, after all these years, I have an actual hairstyle and, most days, manage to tame the unruly curls and the unkempt-looking "wildness".)

What keeps me exercising: I've discovered the enormous benefits in terms of improved health and increased energy, and that's something that a low-energy type like me really desperately needs. I'm also working hard to prevent/manage the inevitable osteoporosis that I am at extremely high risk for. Although it's mostly God's grace, I also credit my fitness/eating habits with the fact that, although all the women in my family develop diabetes in their 40's, I have avoided it so far. The bottom line is that I've been unfit and I've been relatively fit. Knowing what I do, why would I possibly go back? Why would I treat the body God has given me with such shabbiness? I'm looking forward to being a grandmother and, since I'm already older than my friends were when they became grandmothers, I've been able to benefit from the wonderful examples they've been setting. And you know what? I want to be as healthy and in as good a shape as possible to be a blessing to those grandbabies when they come...and I've probably got a few more years to wait!

Vanity? I've discovered that the really vain women usually aren't the ones working out very hard. They are too reluctant to sweat, get out of breath, or do anything that doesn't look girly, dainty, or sexy.

2. Gluttony isn't the worst sin. Actually, that's true. In fact, we could make a case for saying that about every sin except for blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. But since when should we excuse our sins in this way? "There are worse sins than indulging my sexual appetites." "There are worse sins than constant drunkenness." "There are worse sins than selfishness and pride." "There are worse sins than knocking you unconscious right now."

3. So I eat when I'm stressed. You should be happy I don't use drugs or kill someone. This reminds me of a teenage boy I knew years ago. Whenever he would get caught disobeying his parents, he would tell them, "You should be happy I'm not doing drugs." They were happy that his rebellion was relatively mild, and they began to ask themselves if possibly they were being too hard on him and expecting too much. I was barely out of my teens myself, but I suggested they consider not allowing him to do something he really wanted to do and then, when he protested, saying, "You should be happy we don't beat and abuse you." He was a very stubborn boy, and they had to repeat this a time or two before he learned his lesson and quit the ridiculous "you should be happy..." excuse for his disobedience.

4. Well, I don't care what you say. I'm proud that I'm fat. Look at my belly! Read all these amusing quotes and poems and stories about how wonderful it is to be fat! Hey, this is for all the fat people!! Uh, OK, whatever floats your boat. Just don't expect me to join you in your gluttony and lack of exercise. I'm more concerned about my health, while it sounds like you're all about your appearance.

Just do me a favor. Extend the same sort of grace to those who are not as fat as you would like everyone to be. I spent half my life --- all my formative years --- as a skinny person. I know that if I had ever dared say, "I'm proud that I'm skinny. Look at my completely flat, even concave, belly! It's wonderful to be skinny! Hey, this is for all the skinny people!" ... well, I would never have heard the end of angry, ugly, mean, tormenting remarks. I heard enough of them anyway.

Please remember something. Being fat doesn't make you more human. It doesn't make you more godly or more wonderful or more attractive (at least not in everyone's eyes) or more sensible or more humble or more theologically correct. It doesn't even make you more of a woman. (If birthing and breastfeeding six thriving healthy children doesn't gain me access into the "woman club", I don't know what should.) Proverbs 31 doesn't say the virtuous woman has to be fat, so why should you claim that your body type is God's standard of feminity?

In defense of skinny people: some are not skinny by choice. I was one of them. Even as a practicing glutton, I remained skinny. Others discover that living a healthy lifestyle means they will always be lean. If you expect people to love your fatness, embrace it, admire it, never breathe a word of criticism against it --- can't you do the same for your skinny brothers and sisters? Or are only fat people allowed to be content about --- even thankful for --- their size and appearance?

And, finally, a warning: Please don't make your being overweight a source of pride. What will you do if illness strips those pounds from you and makes you look like the people you so disdain?

This post, along with my entire blog, is copyrighted. Please read and honor the copyright notice at the bottom of the sidebar. Thank you.

Common misconceptions about weight

2009-01-13T12:36:00.000-08:00

Whenever the topic of weight loss or gluttony or obesity or related issues comes up, it seems that there is always someone, or several someones, in the group who try to derail the conversation from being about healthy living, the benefits of exercise, the obesity health crisis, the sin of gluttony, or whatever, and turn it into an excuse as to why we should not be concerned with any of those matters. Here are some typical misinformed statements that I've grown weary of hearing trotted out again and again. I've worded them a bit more dramatically and amusingly than they usually are, just to keep the boredom at bay.

1. People are getting thinner and thinner and it's unhealthy! People have no idea what a real woman or real man is supposed to look like! Sorry, but no. Read this. It turns out the exact opposite is true. Yes, Americans are getting taller, but their weight gain is way out of proportion. Quite alarming.

2. Marilyn Monroe, that epitome of female beauty and all that is feminine and wonderful, that woman who should be every woman's role model, would be considered fat by today's ridiculous standards. Why, she wore a dress size 16! We know she was 5' 5 1/2" tall and that her weight ranged from 118 - 140. Hardly fat by today's standards. In 2002, the average American woman was 5' 4" and weighed 164.3 pounds, which makes Marilyn Monroe quite slender, if not downright skinny, in comparison. As for the dress size myth, read this.

3. It only takes a few more calories over the course of a person's lifetime to make him obese. Why, all he needs to do is eat two bites of a sandwich more than some skinny guy. That's hardly gluttony. Usually there is some goofy math involved here, like the one guy whose arithmetic assumed a man was born at his full adult weight and then gained only 50 pounds over his 50 years of life. Yeah, right. The sad truth is that gluttons often have no idea how much they really eat, or how horribly much more food that is than normal, healthy people eat, or how horribly much more food it is than they really need. I know...from sad personal experience.

4. Just because I don't want to control my eating and don't want to exercise and don't want to do anything to improve my health doesn't mean I'm lazy! You have no idea how busy I am! To that, I have three replies, in the form of anecdotes...

Anecdote 1. I attended college while still living at home. During the beginning of my first quarter, when I was trying to get used to the heavy study load and had just finished a long day filled with hours of math, even more hours writing a paper, and way too much time reading dusty journal articles, my mother appeared at my side with a to-do list involving what looked like about three hours of heavy (and I mean HEAVY!) housework. I wanted nothing more than to fall into bed.

"Do I have to do this?" I whined. "I've been studying all day."

"College is no excuse for laziness," my wise mother rebuked me.

"Laziness?! But I've been working hard and I'm exhausted."

"No," she replied. "You have not been working hard. You have been sitting at a desk all day. That is not hard work. Your brain may be tired. Your body is not. In fact, you are really feeling sluggish from all that inactivity. My father always made sure we worked hard after we had studied, so that we wouldn't become lazy and weak."

Valuable lesson learned: studying and sedentary jobs aren't hard work. They may be challenging or stressful or mentally strenuous but they are not hard work. One can study for hours, get good grades, and still be a lazy bum.

Anecdote 2. This also took place during my college days, when I was working at a large automotive dealership. Once I happened to mention to my boss that the other man who shared our office space was a hard worker. "Hank?!" my boss laughed. "He's the laziest guy I know!"

"But," I protested, "he's always rushing around. He's so busy!"

My boss asked, "Have you ever actually seen him do any work?"

I thought long and hard. No, I hadn't. I'd seen him carry around a clipboard, take a personal call in the office now and then, talk to the drivers who brought in their trucks, but...

"You know why he's so busy? It's how he avoids work. But, since he looks so busy all the time, management isn't on to the fact that he isn't really doing anything productive." My boss described a phenomena I would later be much better able to recognize.

Valuable lessons learned: busy people aren't necessarily hard working people. Being busy doesn't mean I'm working hard or accomplishing anything. It just means I'm busy...maybe to avoid real work?

Anecdote 3. This took place in more recent history, during an outing involving a number of mothers and children of all ages. Most of the mothers were somewhat overweight, with a few obese women in the group. My oldest son pointed out to me later that it was somewhat amusing that the thinner women had been the most active, picking fruit, playing with their children and walking around, while the most overweight of the women found a place to sit and stayed there the entire time, just talking. During lunch time, my son (always observant) noticed that there was a significant difference between the lunches we brought. Those of us who were more active also brought healthier lunches, with far less empty calories.

As we were all talking after lunch, the topic somehow turned to exercise. One of the obese women said very proudly that the most exercise she got was walking to her mailbox once every few days, and she made it clear that this could hardly be considered a "walk". Women who exercise, she told us pointedly, were idiots. Another, who referred to herself as "fluffy", said she hadn't broken a sweat in years and had no intention to ever do so again. This amazed me. When I asked her how she avoided sweating, it became clear that she never did any gardening or yard work, no exercise, and only the lightest housework. She made it clear that any woman who worked hard was quite unfeminine.

This sort of thing, though it seemed extreme, has been played out in other groups, among other women...the poor food choices, the lethargy, the rudeness and defensiveness upon observing those living a healthier lifestyle.

Lesson learned: I'm still puzzling out the which came first question. Did these women become obese because of their poor eating habits and laziness? It would seem so. Or did they become even more lazy because of their obesity? Could be.

I believe that we were meant to work hard. In today's world, for most of us, there is less and less hard work for us to do. We're all in danger of becoming soft and lazy. Recently some of my women friends were laughing about how their great-grandmothers would have found it ridiculous that they paid good money to go work out at the gym. Why not plant some crops? Toss bales of hay into a wagon all day? Put up heavy storm windows? Isn't that work enough?

Seems most of us have lost the opportunity to do hard work...and we need to replace it, at the very least, with hard exercise. Unfortunately, too many of us are too lazy to do so. It's much easier to sit and indulge ourselves with our favorite foods, while pretending anyone who suggests we do otherwise is the one with the problem --- and getting annoyed if anyone suggests that obesity is, in most cases, caused by eating too much and doing too little.

This post, along with my entire blog, is copyrighted. Please read and honor the copyright notice at the bottom of the sidebar. Thank you.

Assumptions of gluttony

2009-01-13T05:56:00.000-08:00

Read previous post for context.

Even though, in most cases, obesity can be prevented or reversed by healthy eating and by exercise or physical work, I think it is wrong to assume, just by looking at an obese person, that he is a lazy glutton, given to excess eating and inactivity.

If we don't know this person, we will most likely be entirely right about what made him obese in the first place, but we shouldn't assume that he has not already repented from this lifestyle. For example, take the picture that started the obesity discussion on the Bayly Blog. It's impossible to ignore that the man on the right is quite obese and seems pleased, even proud of the fact. He seems delighted to point out his resemblance to a pregnant woman. His condition --- which would be alarming if we had not already become so used to seeing obese men in our culture --- has gone way beyond a "few extra pounds" or a "little flab around the middle" that we might be able to blame on stress or joyous feasting with family over the holidays. His situation, like that of way too many others, is far more grave and serious than that.

However, it is wrong, if we don't know this man and his history, to assume that he is currently still overeating and not exercising and/or working enough. When we see people in his condition, we don't always know what they were like some months back. For instance, I recently met a woman who is obese but who is also, at least for the past six months or so, one of the hardest working, most sensible eaters I've ever met. No one would guess it to look at her --- unless they had seen what she looked like six months ago.

In our culture, we often get criticized for making assumptions based on people's appearances. To some extent, it can be wrong, judgmental, and prejudicial. But, in other cases, we do it all the time. One of my sons, for example, is a very hard worker. It is obvious to almost everyone who meets him. His body is that of a man well experienced with good, old-fashioned, masculine labor. No one with a lick of sense could look at him and wrongly assume him to be some sort of typical teenager huddled in his room playing video games all day. In fact, people who meet him often ask me, "What kind of work does he do?" and then they nod, with an "Of course!" when they hear my answer.

I teach martial arts. When people walk into the dojo, I'm usually not surprised to discover, once they join our class, how well they can or can't handle the physical effort required, or how willing they are to work hard. Hard work and exercise has an entirely different impact on our bodies --- and their appearance --- than does a soft, easy lifestyle involving minimal effort. As one of my students asked me early on, "If I was already working hard, do you think I would look like this?"

One of the things I like about what I do is that I get to see formerly self-described lazy people "get off their duff" and leave their sedentary ways behind. Although I don't stress nutrition as much as I probably should, it's always rewarding to see my students realize that, if they are going to work hard, they need to start giving their bodies healthier "fuel".

Hard work has a way of transforming us.

In all my life, I've never met one obese person who got that way while eating sensibly and working hard. Gluttony and laziness were significant lifestyle factors, which the more candid and forthright ones readily admitted.

I believe that God designed our bodies for hard work. Male bodies, especially, are designed for streneous physical labor. Those masculine muscles were put there for a purpose. What is sad to me is that too many men in our culture have become soft, indulgent, and lazy. Even worse, they are unashamed of this, and try to act as if it is the way that men should be.

Some time back, I hard an overweight young guy criticize his girlfriend for putting on some weight. "Girls are supposed to be skinny," he said, "and guys are supposed to be big." Big being, of course, a polite way of saying overweight, flabby, and out of shape. I pointed out that, no, actually women were supposed to have a higher body fat percentage than men. It's one of the ways God designed us. Men were supposed to be relatively lean and muscled. Those that work hard enough and eat sensibly enough usually are.

This post, along with my entire blog, is copyrighted. Please read and honor the copyright notice at the bottom of the sidebar. Thank you.

Gluttony?

2009-01-12T19:51:00.000-08:00

Those of you who have read this blog for any length of time know that I have been quite candid about my own struggle with gluttony. And, yes, it's an uncomfortable and extremely unpopular topic to talk about.

I've been a skinny glutton, with a high metabolism that kept me from gaining weight.

And I've also been a...well, less-than-skinny glutton.

So I don't equate gluttony with being overweight or being obese. I also know that "overweight" is a loaded term, and one that can be difficult to define. According to one medical weight chart, I am currently, at 130 pounds, overweight for my age, height, and frame size. I could make excuses, insist that I am healthy at this weight, etc., etc. but I know the real truth: I am at this weight because I've been eating too much and not exercising as much as I should, especially over the holidays.

For some people of approximately my size, 130 pounds would be a wonderful weight. The weight chart says I should be at around 115 - 120. I know that, at this stage in my life, I don't want to drop that many pounds. But I do know that I can't use that as an excuse to indulge my appetites.

Some people are so afraid of legalism that they would simply throw up their hands in disgust at this entire post. Others will no doubt quote the Scripture about "physical exercise profiting little" as a rebuke to me, suggesting that it would be far more godly for me to be a couch potato and do little or nothing to prevent/forestall my genetic ticking time bomb of diabetes, heart disease, cancer, obesity, and osteoporosis.

But I am too grateful for the gift God has entrusted in my care: my physical body. Oh, it's quite plain, boring and used up by contemporary standards, but it has been a blessing to me. It has borne six children. It is the tool I use to enable me to serve God in my daily life. Why should I not take care of it as my way of thanking God? Why should I not be a good steward of my health?

Besides, the Bible is clear that gluttony is a sin, modern ideas to the contrary. Binge eating is not cool. Eating like a pig is not a sign of healthy masculinity. Pretending it's more gluttonous to be health-conscious and watch what one eats than it is to eat everything in sight is...plain goofy.

Being overweight or obese is not a sin. But the way that most of us get there is. Yes, there are some people who will always be "overweight" though fit and healthy. But obesity is a different matter. Yes, in a few cases, there are medical conditions that prevent a person from losing weight, no matter how hard they work out or how carefully they eat. But that is far from common.

There has been a big brouhaha over on the Bayly Blog about obesity. I know one of the parties that has weighed in. (Haha...poor attempt at humor there.) I think it's interesting that some people are so afraid to admit that, in most cases, obesity is easily preventable and is caused directly by two things: eating too much and not moving enough. But I guess it's horribly judgmental to say that. Horribly judgmental to think that men who show off how fat they are maybe, just maybe should be ashamed rather than proud...not necessarily ashamed for being fat, but for what they almost certainly had to do (eat too much and work too little) to get that way.

This post, along with my entire blog, is copyrighted. Please read and honor the copyright notice at the bottom of the sidebar. Thank you.

Intimacy? Sex? Same thing? Different?

2008-12-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

The Simple Marriage Project posed an interesting question regarding intimacy and sex. Here is what I posted in answer:

My concept of intimacy is a closeness, an emotional bond, a true knowing of one another, a deep friendship that involves openness and vulnerability. This need not at all be sexual. In fact, the people that I am most intimate with are in my extended family.

Unfortunately, many people — and I’ve found that men tend to do this more than women — equate intimacy with sex. I’m reminded of something a friend told me about her marriage. She has felt, for all her marriage, that she is married to a stranger. He is uninterested in sharing any of his deeper thoughts or feelings with her, and he is even less interested in listening to anything she says beyond what is absolutely necessary and said as factually and succinctly as possible. In other words, it’s OK for her to inform him that their child is in some sort of awful crisis, but he doesn’t want to hear that she was up all night crying or that she is tormented with guilt and anguish.

My friend once, in a fit of despair, cried that she wished their marriage was more intimate. Her husband looked at her in complete bewilderment and asked, “You really want to have sex more often? Once a day isn’t enough for you? That’s enough intimacy for me.”

Well, yes, they are an extreme case. But I’ve found that most of my women friends have had to abandon the use of the word “intimacy” with their husbands, since for most men it is simply a code word for intercourse.

Unfortunately, sex — even in a loving, committed marriage — can be a barrier to intimacy. Many men seem to believe that intercourse should act as some sort of magic substitute for any attempt at true intimacy. Why talk, why be vulnerable with one another, why share life’s ups and downs, why bear one another’s burdens when one can simply pretend intercourse is an easy shortcut for all of that?

But! many husbands claim, sex makes me feel more intimate with my wife! Sex leads to intimacy! Hogwash, said another friend of mine. She pointed out to her husband all the ways in which his pre-intercourse and post-intercourse behavior made it clear that the only “intimacy” going on was entirely physical. He had to admit, with chagrin, that he really wasn’t interested in the same level of true intimacy that she was. Physical closeness was enough for him.

Some couples manage to avoid the trap of using intercourse as a bandaid for real problems in the marriage. Others work hard to achieve true intimacy. Yet others find their needs for emotional intimacy with friends and family members, realizing that intimacy is not possible or even wanted in every marriage.

But to equate intimacy with sex? They are very different…even though they can co-exist and overlap in a good marriage…very nicely, in fact. Ideally, sex should be a symbolic act of an intimacy that already exists. But life is usually not always ideal…

Some afterthoughts.....

I have a few friends that question whether or not true and deep intimacy is possible between members of the opposite sex, even husbands and wives. Oh, sure, husbands and wives can share closeness, friendship, a strong emotional bond --- but can they be as intimate as two women friends? As vulnerable with one another? As understanding? As capable of sharing thoughts and feelings? As emotionally close? As willing to share the bad, as well as the good?

When I was a new mother, I craved friendship with other mothers, and I enjoyed a level of intimacy with women that I'd never experienced before. It was a deep fellowship, a sharing of this overwhelming new adventure that had completely captured us. It was to my friends that I was able to admit a few "dark nights of the soul". At one point, I felt that maybe it was wrong for my fairly new friends to know me, the real me, so much better than my husband did, so I attempted to let him know how profound the experience of motherhood was for me.

Unfortunately, we both ended up frustrated. He simply couldn't handle the fact that I was not only and always happy about every aspect of motherhood. He didn't want to hear about sleep deprivation, about the numbing mindlessness of many days, about changing two dozen diapers in just 24 hours. He also didn't want to hear that I sometimes went in just to see my sleeping baby (during those rare moments when he slept) and wept with joy at his beauty. He strongly suggested I needed more time with my women friends. He also wondered if my reaction to motherhood was normal. To him, it was all wacky and disturbing. Couldn't life just return to normal?

At the next park day, the more experienced moms in our group laughed at my tale. They had been there. They had learned to share mostly the sanitized version of motherhood with their husbands, and to come up with a canned, pleasant answer to "What on earth did you do all day?!"

As one mom told me, "Marriage shouldn't be a contest about who had the most stressful day. Let your husband win that one. He will be happier thinking that he is creating a wonderful life for you through his noble sacrifice. He doesn't need your stress on top of his."

Once in a while, I listen to Dr. Laura on the radio while I'm running errands. One of her recurring themes is to remind women that they are married to men, and not to their girlfriends. Hours of talking? Deep sharing? Feelings? The daily minutiae of life? Save it for your girlfriends. Your husband will never be interested in that!

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Good cop, bad cop

2008-12-01T10:01:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, I worked--- mostly nights --- at a university hospital, as a ward clerk. As part of my job, I met quite a few security guards, of which a significant number were either in law enforcement, had been in law enforcement, or planned to be.

Around that same time, I read the LA Times...a lot...and there was a lot of bad news about the L.A. County Sheriff's Department. There was also bad news about the LAPD.

One night in the emergency room, a sheriff tried to impress me with the fact that he had beaten up some guy in the course of arresting him. The sheriff looked completely unruffled. The young man he'd arrested was extremely bloodied and had a couple broken bones. I was not impressed. In fact, I was sickened and disgusted.

Of course, I don't know the story of this man's arrest. But, a few years later, I was an eyewitness, more than once, to what I can only describe as unprovoked police brutality.

There were some other dealings with police over the years. Some good, some bad. But I grew cynical about the sort of person that was attracted to police work, and about what police work eventually did to even the best of people.

And then I met two police officers who made me toss out all those stereotypes and prejudices. One morning, after a long night shift, these two men, practically strangers to us, cheerfully helped us move, joking and laughing as they easily carried our heavy bookcases upstairs, actually seeming to enjoy the hard work, and apologizing that they couldn't stay all day, but had to get some sleep before their next shift.

One of those men was Mark Riddering. We barely knew him when he helped us move, but that didn't stop him from eagerly volunteering to help. As we got to know him...well, I have to admit that he sometimes made me feel like I did when I was a little girl and hero-worshiped a heroic policeman.

Mark Riddering was a good cop. He was a true hero.

He was also one of the sweetest, kindest men I've ever met. I loved watching him interact with his kids, loved watching how he looked at them, how he played with them, how he so obviously cherished them and his wife. He enjoyed life...enjoyed his family...enjoyed his many, many friends. I don't think I'll ever forget his smile or his laugh.

We knew Mark during the time when he began noticing troubling symptoms, and when he received the diagnosis of ALS. He was an important part of the weekly Bible study that first met in his home and later in ours. We all watched him walk through this time of uncertainty. If he felt sorry for himself, we never knew it --- his concern was always for his family...and that he would be found faithful in God's eyes. Over the months and years, we watched his big strong body deteriorate. Never once did we hear him complain. Instead, we still heard him laugh and still enjoyed his smiles, his loving concern for our family, and his sense of humor. He encouraged others over and over again.

As his body weakened, it was as if Mark grew even stronger. The last few times I visited him, I felt as if I were standing on holy ground. Jesus shown that brightly through Mark. It sounds cliche...but it was true.

One local news story reported that Mark Riddering "lost his battle with Lou Gehrig's disease". That doesn't seem accurate. From what I know, and what I've heard from his family and friends, Mark finished the race, the long tiring marathon of the last 15 years, and he finished it well. He fought the good fight. He kept the faith. He persevered to the end. The prize is now his. He didn't lose; he won.

Tomorrow I have the awesome yet sad privilege of attending the funeral of a true hero of the faith. Mark Riddering has left behind an awesome legacy. I cannot help but think that Jesus greeted him with the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Read more about Mark Riddering

Edited for readability.

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Sometimes it's best to leave well enough along

2008-11-30T13:00:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to regret the blog tweaks. Playing with my template and trying to use an outside comment service messed things up. Now let's see how this new attempt works...

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Blog Play

2008-11-30T12:17:00.000-08:00

I'm playing around with some modifications to comments here on the blog. Not that I get lots of comments...

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Lots of typos

2008-11-17T10:48:00.001-08:00

Or is that typoes? My last post had lots of them. I still haven't mastered the iPhone keypad. Or proofreading.

-- Post From My iPhone

Twitter begins to make more sense

2008-11-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

I've been playing around with Twitter quite a bit of late. While it's been fun and all, I have to admit that I was beginning to wonder what the fuss was all about.

Then...

I discovered that Twitter can be a quick, almost instant, way to track breaking news stories -- both from professional news sources and from eyewitnesses. It's a way to track stories that our US media tends to ignore, such as the alarming persecution against Christians in India, North Korea, Saudia Arabia, and elsewhere. And it's a way to discover what the latest buzz is, whether it's angry Prop 8 protests or some new video game.

The local feature makes things interesting. I can read "tweets" from my particular area.

I like the idea that the Twitter platform doesn't allow longwindedness but, if you need more than 140 characters to say something, you can link to your blog. That also provides a great way to notify others, and be notified, of blog posts that are hot off the press.

Let me know about your Twitter experiences. How do you use it?

-- Post From My iPhone

Edited to correct a few of the worst mistakes.

Thought on California's Proposition 8

2008-11-05T11:38:00.000-08:00

I supported it. Frankly, I never thought I'd live to see the day when people would try to redefine the institution of marriage and would then try to impose their ideas on others, even to the point of forcing all couples getting marriage licenses to have to be identified as "Party A" or "Party B", rather than as bride and groom.

When suddenly marriage has become about something completely different than what it has always been understood to be...when it is no longer about a bride and groom, but about two "parties"...well, I finally decided enough was enough when it comes to people trying to impose their new definition of marriage on all of society and on our legal system.

This social experimentation had gone too far.

Some time back, I wrote this: Save Marriage!! Defend Marriage!! I still think that the greatest threats to marriage come from within marriage itself. We are the ones who threaten our own marriages, through all manner of sin, whether it be just plain selfishness and irresponsibility, or lust, adultery, pornography, abuse...the list goes on. I wish more of us were willing to spend our time, money and effort vocally and effectively fighting those very real threats against marriage.

But, in the meantime, I helped my son get signs put out. I spoke out where and when I could. And, sometime over the next few weeks, I hope to blog about why this issue is so crucial to me, and why it should be crucial to you as well...and why we need to speak out now.

UPDATED because I wrote it in haste and needed to re-edit at leisure so that it would make a bit more sense to my readers.

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One thing I know

2008-11-04T23:14:00.000-08:00

As I was posting my last blog entry, I caught sight on what I'd written in my sidebar:

One thing I know...
In the end, the very end, Jesus wins.
He's the Victor.
And His grip on me is way, way stronger and more sure than my grip on Him.

In the end, He wins. And His victory will be final and everlasting and good and righteous and just and merciful. My hope is that, because of His grace and His grace alone, I will be there to celebrate that final victory. That is real hope. And, on that glorious day, we will all be changed...in the twinkling of an eye.

And I...even I...shall be utterly and forever transformed by His presence.

May Jesus, tonight and at this very moment, work His transforming power in my life. May my hope rest in Him and in Him alone. May what breaks His heart break mine.

To share in His sufferings...even though the thought frightens me...

To be found in Him...

To be like Him...

To be obedient, even unto death...

Thank God that His grip on me is so much stronger than my weak and feeble grip on Him.

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Will he keep his promise?

2008-11-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

Obama, in his own words, about his stance on abortion, and the first thing he will do as president:

I have a question for my friends who are celebrating tonight because their man won. Are you also celebrating the change that he will bring when he keeps his promise to you about signing the Freedom of Choice Act? Or is this a promise you hope he won't keep?

To those who have tried to persuade me that Obama is really pro-life, I can only say...huh? Do you mean you don't believe his own words or his own voting record? Will this, from Obama's own website, convince you?

"Throughout my career, I've been a consistent and strong supporter of reproductive justice, and have consistently had a 100% pro-choice rating with Planned Parenthood and NARAL Pro-Choice America."

What is the Freedom of Choice Act Obama has promised to sign?

David Freddoso (The Case Against Barack Obama) elaborates on what this bill entails:
This bill would effectively cancel every state, federal, and local regulation of abortion, no matter how modest or reasonable. It would even, according to the National Organization of Women, abolish all state restrictions on government funding for abortions. If Obama becomes president and lives up to this promise, then everyone who pays income tax will be paying an abortionist to perform an abortion.
In making this promise, Freddoso writes, Obama is promising:
to abolish state laws that protect doctors and nurses from losing their jobs if they refuse to participate in abortions
to abolish requirements for parental notification and informed consent for mothers who consider the procedure
Freddoso also notes:
Obama is one of the very few pro-choice advocates who accepts no restrictions on late-term abortions, or any kind of abortions. I could find no instance in his entire career in which he voted for any regulation or restriction on the practice of abortion. [Read more here.]

More information on FOCA can be found here.

To my friends who are celebrating Obama's victory: is this what you are celebrating? Please forgive me for not joining in your joy. Frankly, I find this a sad day for our country. A very sad day. This is change we could do without. May God have mercy on us all. May those of us who are pro-life be emboldened to speak out now, and to work while there is still day...for I fear that night is rapidly approaching.

For those who would like to put Obama's promise in context, here is the entire speech as posted to Obama's campaign channel on YouTube.

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What can I say

2008-11-04T21:28:00.000-08:00

Sigh. This says it all much better than I possibly could.

None of this has taken God by surprise. He is still on His throne. May He have mercy on us all.

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Domestic partners, homosexual "marriage", and more

2008-11-03T15:19:00.000-08:00

They call us haters. They claim that a vote of California's Proposition 8 is a vote for bigotry and discrimination.

Well, their domestic partnership regulations discriminated against me. How? My brother and I shared an apartment, and we pooled our resources together. We were dependent on each other financially. We were also extremely dedicated to one another; in fact, our relationship had only grown stronger since that first glimpse my brother had taken of me when I was just a few days old, and he had decided I was both cute and fascinating.

But, unlike the homosexual and heterosexual couples where my brother worked, we were not allowed access to any domestic partner benefits. Why the discrimination? Because we were siblings. The only way to earn the right to domestic partner benefits is by being in a sexual relationship with someone. Talk about discrimination! Talk about legislating morality and imposing values on other people!

Just try getting any sort of domestic benefits without having a sexual relationship. It's impossible. It doesn't matter if you've lived together for years, even decades. If you are siblings, or cousins, or just friends --- it doesn't matter. The law discriminates against those who refuse to have a sexual relationship with their domestic partner.

I can just hear everyone now: Don't be silly, Rebecca! What do you think domestic partners are? You can't just redefine the term to mean siblings and roommates!

Ah, but a lot of people think they should be able to redefine marriage. And, if you are reluctant to do so, supposedly that makes you intolerant and hateful.

But, in all this hue and cry about religious people trying to define marriage, few people seem to think we should remove all restrictions to marriage. Few people seem to think that it is hateful or intolerant or bigotry to restrict marriage to adults who are not closely related, or to outlaw bigamy. Do we hate children? Hate people who would prefer to be married to several people at once? Hate relatives? Are we discriminating against them? robbing them of their civil rights? guilty of hate crimes by not raising a big hue and cry to redefine marriage as being anything that anyone wants it to be?

No. I have yet to meet the person who believes in removing all legal restriction to marriage and allowing anyone to define it as they wish.

Apparently that privilege belongs only to those who believe marriage should be redefined as not necessarily being between a man and a woman. They have no qualms about imposing their values on our society and about plunging us all into some bizarre social experiment. They claim it is a civil rights issue, but they seem unconcerned about the civil rights of children, polygamists, those who favor "group marriage", and those who think first cousins should be free to marry in every state.

If marriage is a civil right, who gets to choose whose "civil rights" get to redefine marriage for the rest of society?

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On a more serious note

2008-11-02T08:36:00.000-08:00

Just in case I have one pro-Obama reader left, please read the potential consequences of voting him into office: Side Effect of FOCA. Remember that Obama has promised that his first priority as President will be to sign the Freedom of Choice Act. Make sure you are comfortable, before voting for him, with all that this entails.

I know. I know. Obama supporters have told me that FOCA "will not mean that many more abortions", and they seem untroubled by the thought of more infants dying in the womb. But I'm not ready to see the demise of Catholic hospitals, and I hope this would matter even to those who are pro-choice. One of my sons owes his life to the grace of God and the wonderful staff of a Catholic hospital. I know of towns whose only hospitals are Catholic. I don't think Obama, persuasive as he may be, will be able to convince the Pope and the Catholic Church that it is their duty to provide abortions as a fundamental right that cannot be infringed.

If you truly care for the poor, many of whom rely on Catholic hospitals and charities, please do not elect a president who is so adamant about making FOCA the law of our land. Even if you are anti-Catholic to an extreme, and welcome this as a blow against the Catholic Church, please put aside your own prejudices for the sake of the weak, the poor, the sick, and those without a voice.

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Have I got a workout for you!

2008-11-02T08:03:00.001-08:00

Even my brother agreed --- we have discovered the ideal workout. In fact, he's thinking of a way to market it. But, just for you, my beloved readers, I will let you in on my workout secret for free. I'm sure this will soon be sweeping the nation.

You don't even need equipment or fancy workout shoes. In fact, I did the entire workout completely barefoot, wearing jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt.

Here's all you need: lots of sand dunes and an assortment of babies, toddlers, and small children. A few of the more independent children (but not yet ready to wander the dunes without adult supervision) should get in in their heads to race on ahead, up, down, up down the dunes all the way to the ocean, causing the adults, babies, toddlers, and little children to have to hurry after them to keep up.

It helps if, on the way back, some of you end up straggling way behind the main group. Then, if you can arrange it, make sure that it becomes extremely windy, obliterating the footsteps you are following out, changing the look of the dunes enough to disorient you and make you think you've lost your way, and sending stinging sand flying against your faces and arms. Then the 3 and 4 year olds you're with should complain about exhaustion and discomfort, even while you are trying to make a game out of giving them piggyback rides. While trudging out, each person carrying an upset child, who seems to get increasingly heavier with each step, try not to act as if you think you will soon be wandering in a horrible sandstorm, unable to see, trying to cover everyone's faces with shirts, only to finally be found years later as a pile of bleached, sandblasted bones.

Nothing beats this workout for getting your heart rate going and for making your legs and back feel like putty afterwards. That's assuming you don't end up as a pile of bleached bones.

You should try it some day.

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