Imperfect Motherhood

Dealing with back pain

2016-10-10T15:14:00.003-04:00

It has been over a year since I have written on my blog.

I would like to say that it was due to the extremely busy nature of my life, but that would only partly explain it. It has more to do with my back injury. In February of 2015 I fell on black ice and hurt my back. To be more precise, I herniated the disc between my L5 and S1 which pinched my sciatic nerve in my right leg. Sadly I further injured myself when the cart I was given at work collapsed as I pushed it it, and the disc herniated more. The resulting neuropathy in my leg meant that I could no longer avoid back surgery which I had in July.

What does this all mean?

It means that for roughly 18 months I have been parenting and teaching while in pain. Constant pain.

I have been in and out of physical therapy and tried a variety of pain relieving options. I am not a medical person, nor would I pretend to be one, but I have an opinion on how to help with the pain.

First of all, I am not a fan of taking medication, I prefer to work through it rather than surrender to pharmaceuticals. Add that to the fact that most narcotics/opioids don't agree with me and you will

quickly understand why I prefer homeopathic options.

After trying different options, I found I can tolerate Ibuprofen and Lidocaine patches something that I found was non-habit forming and good enough relief. One medication that a friend of mine took without a problem but was terrible for me was Gapapentin. Its side effects for me made me feel as if I was trying to move through a membrane: always surrounding me, slowing me down, delaying thought, and preventing me from reacting. It did help with the nerve pain, but I could not function. It took effort to get out of bed, to take care of myself, and remember to eat. You can imagine how that effected my children. They were afraid to leave me alone because I was so changed. I took it for two weeks and it took over a month for me to return to normal. I know that was not normal, that was my reaction. As I said, a friend of mine took it without a problem, but with any medication there is a chance for a strange side effect. So, I chose to stick with Ibuprofen and used the Lidocaine patches nearly everyday until I built up the ability to tolerate the pain.

Another medical option that did help was to get a lumbar epidural. Not like the ones you get for giving birth, it provides a precision steroid injection exactly where the pain is. I had three. The first one gave me relief for a few weeks, the second for a month and a half, and the final one for about three months. They allowed me to begin aquatic physical therapy one of the best physical therapy options for me.

The aquatic physical therapy I got was at a therapeutic heated pool and it took the pressure off the nerve and increased my range of movement. I progressed through walking, kicking, core strengthening, and "bicycling" movements that allowed me to stand straighter and walk longer. The best part for me was the 15 minutes I got to spend in the hot tub at the end. I brought the pool noodle into the hot tub, and floated around. This took all pressure off my back and the heat was relaxing.

If you talk to some physical therapists, they will also encourage massage. I must say that some of the best relief I got was from hour long massages. I could lie back and get relief for a short period of time. Not complete relief, but enough that it was worth going back each week because it took enough of the edge off. This combined with the PT improved my range of movement and sped up the healing process.

I also used a chiropractor, which many physical therapists do not suggest. I know that not all chiropractors are equal, but I was extremely happy with mine. I believe that I was well on my way to improving without surgery because I went for this buckshot approach to my healing. When you have an injury, especially a back injury, there are other parts of your body that are effected. When your back in out of alignment, it adds stresses to other body parts. My shoulders, neck, arms, and knees all had stress. By getting adjusted and getting massages in addition to PT and steroid shots, I was making sure that my injury did not add too much additional stress to the rest of my body.

It was the second tumble I took that sent me to the surgeon. The two MRIs I had showed that not only was I not improving, I was getting worse. The second fall undid a year's worth of progress. What the surgeon could not see was that I had developed a bone spur which led to the neuropathy. Had the neuropathy not begun, I would not have gotten surgery, I felt like I was making enough progress, but that second fall did me in.

It is important to know your body. Pay attention to little differences and don't just let the doctors dictate your recovery. I questioned the doctors along the way. I wanted to make sure that they were not comparing my injury to others anymore than was medically needed. I am an overweight female but I was active and flexible. That is an important detail. I could do things post injury that a non-active, non-flexible person could not. Shoot, my husband is still not as flexible as I am now! This led them to determine that my injury was not as severe. When I had surgery, the surgeon was surprised by the mess he found. Know your body and question. I did not present like other patients and my inability to take medications meant that I had a high pain threshold. During the course of my recovery I was around others who had the same injury as mine and were still unable to stand up straight after months of therapy; each person is different.

I hope that my experience will help others.

What makes a good manager

2015-06-06T17:38:00.001-04:00

A friend of mine told me that he was tired of reading about what makes a bad manager, he wanted to know what made a good manager. Fair enough, it is easy to criticize but not as easy to reflect on the positives. I've experienced my fair share of bad managers, but of course that is subjective, isn't it? My bad manager is someone else's good manager. I did some research and decided that I would make a list (of course!) and allow others to add to it in the comments.

A good manager...

creates rules to govern how activities are to be conducted and those rules are uniformly enforced but not so rigid as to be draconian,
does not have favorites who are above the rules nor sets him/herself above those rules,
allows open dialogue with employees that is respectful even if what is being suggested can not happen,
provides regular praise to employees who consistently complete assigned tasks and encourages others to reach toward their goals,
celebrates employee's milestones, helping to create a positive environment,
prevents assistant managers from conducting business in such a way that would undermine productivity,
assesses employee's contributions according to a clear criteria that is obtainable and not subjective,
listens to complaints from employees and objectively deals with them,
realizes that employees have lives outside of the office and does not make constant requests of that time unless it was a condition of employment,
follows the Golden Rule, because really, isn't that what we all want?

So I now invite you to add to the list.

When life hands you lemons...

2015-04-13T14:12:00.000-04:00

The winter of 2015 will go down in my personal history as the winter that my life changed. During the last gasping days of the never-ending winter, I slipped and fell on the ice at my school. Since that day, I have been stuck in a recliner when I am not going to my millionth doctor's appointment. I have had two epidural steroid shots that have been minimally helpful and will begin physical therapy tomorrow. Having a herniated disc in the L5/S1 region is quite painful and disruptive to life's day to day responsibilities.

So, how can this be made bearable? By simply looking at what I can now do that I was unable to do before when I was on the go. Here is my top ten list (in no particular order):

I have discovered that there is very little on daytime TV worth my time. The exception is The Steve Harvey Show. When Andy is home, he will watch this with me too! This injury has allowed me quiet time with my husband, even if it is watching daytime TV.
When my daughter was sent home for having a temperature today, I didn't need to take a sick day or make elaborate lesson plans so I could get her, and when she has to stay home tomorrow, I can do that too.
I have been able to go up three levels on Hay Day, the only "video game" I can handle.
I have written more on my blog!
I have discovered that I am a worse cook than I previously believed; or maybe I am just lazier than before.
My children have gotten more story time out of me. The day to day busyness of life before the injury meant I was exhausted at the end of the day, now I am able to read to them.
I can see my spring flowers in bloom, in the daylight. I can't remember when I have enjoyed the flowers
I have taken naps with the children. It sounds crazy, but it is something I look forward to doing. Snuggling in with my children has been a joy.
I have seen the cobwebs. I never saw the cobwebs in the house before because it was always late. To sit still long enough to see the cobwebs meant that I had truly sat still for more than five seconds. Once I am able to move a little better, the cobwebs will come down.
Speaking of cobwebs, I have been able to clear the cobwebs from my brain and I have begun to write again. Not just on my blog, but in general. I have noticed things that I had not before which has given my writing a depth it did not previously have. I will never be Diana Galbadon, but there is a novel in me yet.

I don't think I have enough sugar to make lemonade yet, but here's hoping that I will find more sweetness in PT as I heal.

Gluten free/ Chocolate free "Matzoh crack" for Passover

2015-04-05T12:04:00.000-04:00

My son can't have regular Passover food due to his EoE, so I had to make a few adjustments. This one is a variation to "Matzoh crack" for dessert. Why is it called "crack"? Well, let's just say it is so awesomely addictive that you will not be able to stop yourself from eating it!

I use Yehuda Gluten-free Matzoh:

What you need for the adapted recipe:

One box of Yehuda Gluten free Matzo-style squares
2 sticks of butter
2 C packed brown sugar
2 C sliced almonds (optional)
cookie sheet, sauce pan, parchment paper

What you do:

Preheat oven to 250 degrees

Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper and then place enough matzoh to cover all the parchment. You can break up matzoh, but don't use pieces smaller than 2"x 2". Set aside.

Melt butter in a saucepan over medium-low heat. Add brown sugar and immediately reduce the temperature to low. Cook while stirring, adjust the heat as needed so that the sugar is completely dissolved and begins to bubble (makes it toffee), but you don't want this to be done too quickly, it should take about 10 minutes.

Drizzle the toffee over the matzoh and spread to cover using a rubber spatula. Put a second layer of matzoh and drizzle toffee again. Repeat until all toffee is used. Make sure you have enough to spread over the top, then sprinkle with almonds.

Transfer cookie sheet to the oven for 10 to 20 minutes until the toffee gets a sheen

Remove from the oven, let cool completely (can use refrigerator), and break up into small pieces.

I use plastic snack bags to divide the "crack" into reasonable portions; trust me, I am saving you from yourself!

I store them in the refrigerator.

To make with chocolate, you will need 2 C of semi-sweet chocolate morsels. You will wait to put the almonds until after the chocolate is added. To add the chocolate, when you take the matzoh from the oven, sprinkle the chips onto the matzoh, allow to melt for about a minute, and then spread the chocolate around with a spatula, then sprinkle with the almonds.

Here is where the original recipe can be found:

http://www.marthastewart.com/319427/homemade-toffee-chocolate-matzah?backto=true

Visit Tamara's profile on Pinterest.

Having it all- part two

2015-04-01T14:36:00.000-04:00

Charles walked in the door and looked around. He saw that the children were playing quietly in the living room and heard his wife in the kitchen fixing dinner. The lack of crunching underfoot meant that the foyer and living room had been vacuumed. He allowed a self-satisfied smirk to cross his lips and thought you did well my man, and sat down in his recliner, not bothering to greet anyone. He recalled that the house had been so cluttered that morning he would have been embarrassed to have guests, but now, while not perfect, it was noticeably better. I wonder if I out-waited her on the laundry too? he thought as he settled down into his chair.

"What are you making for dinner?" he yelled in the direction of the kitchen.

"Hello to you too, dear," Catherine responded. "I am making roasted chicken, broccoli, and mashed potatoes."

Upon hearing her father's voice, Michelle, their eight year old daughter, leaped up and ran to him for a hug. She snuggled onto his lap and asked, "How was your day Daddy?"

"It was long and tiring, but it's better now since seeing you!" he responded giving her a hug and a kiss. Catherine, listening from the kitchen, shook her head in disbelief. I worked the entire day on my day off to clean this house, I'm cooking dinner, and he gives Michelle the greeting I should be getting?she thought as she slammed down the potato masher, the sting of tears making her blink several times.

Brian, not wanting to be left out, wiggled into a space on Charles' lap, giving him a hug. Charles rewarded his efforts with a hug and a kiss too.

"How's my little man today?"

"Good Daddy! We helped Mommy all day with cleaning, doesn't the house look great?"

"You two did a great job!" Charles exclaimed, giving his children additional hugs, kisses, and tickles.

"Stop Daddy!" they giggled, but did not wiggle free, enjoying the attention too much.

In the kitchen, Catherine fumed. Why do I bother? I work all week, take care of the children when they aren't at school, take care of the house, cook dinner, and who knows what else, and I can't even get a proper greeting? She went to the dining room and finished setting the table while fighting back tears. Once dinner was ready, Catherine set up the children's plates, cutting up the chicken, counting out the broccoli florets so that Brian only had five and Michelle had eight, and they had the same amount of mashed potatoes to minimize an argument. Having completed dishing out the meal and placing the plates at the table, she went to the bathroom to wash her face and clear her mind.

On the way back, she paused in the living room to announce dinner, but what she saw, calmed her. Charles was sitting in the recliner, Brian on his left and Michelle on his right, both snuggled against his shoulders, as he read them a book. Why does he have to do something so sweet when I am so angry at him? she thought. Catherine sighed, letting go of the anger. It does no good to be angry with with him, especially when he was being such a great father. What we need is to sit down and discuss how the division of labor is far from equitable. Satisfied with that thought, she smiled and announced dinner.

After the children were tucked into bed, Catherine broached the subject. "Do you know why the house has been a little chaotic the last few months?"

"You didn't feel like cleaning?"

Frowning, she replied, "No it was more than that, it was because I was feeling unappreciated."

Sighing, Charles looked at his wife, wondering if this was going to be a quarrel. "I appreciate you, dear, why do you think I don't?" Darn, maybe I didn't win the battle, he thought.

"I work a full-time job just like you, but for some reason the housework falls to me. I tried to go on strike to see if you would step up and help out, but that didn't work. Brian thought I didn't love the family or the house anymore because I stopped putting away laundry and caring about how clean the house was. I know you work hard, but so do I. I don't get a break when I am home. I would love to sit in the recliner, watch TV, and have the house work done by someone else, but the last few weeks have proven that won't happen. Maybe it was unfair to think this in your direction with the hope that you would pick it up psychically, but now I think we should have that talk."

She paused briefly hoping that the emotions she was feeling would remain under control so that Charles would take her seriously.

"We need my paycheck as much as we need yours. I am asking for your help. I love that you are willing to sit with the children to read them a book or go outside to play so that I can concentrate, but I need your help with getting things done as well. Michelle and Brian helped today, but having another adult working with me would be wonderful. I shouldn't have to spend all my spare time cleaning. Plus, when you come home, you greet the children, but it has been months since you greeted me."

She stopped again and looked at him, worried that last part came out too whiny and teenager-ish, but after a long day of working, having a hug and a kiss from her life's partner was something she looked forward to and had missed.

Charles looked at his wife, taking in the whole image. It was as if he had not seen her clearly for some time: he noticed the furrowed brow that had begun to make deep lines, the gray hair along the temples, the dark shadows under her eyes, the glassy and bloodshot eyes that were trying to hold back tears, and the plaintive expression on her face. Had he done this to his wife? he thought. He then felt guilty about out-waiting her on the housework and laundry, and the other week when he took the children away for the day so she could work, but then fussed at her when she took the time to pamper herself. She's right, we couldn't live on my pay alone, her paycheck is 50% of the household income, but she is doing 95% of the housekeeping.

Charles walked over to Catherine and enfolded her in an embrace. Catherine clung to him, crying the tears that she had been suppressing all day.

"I'm sorry, you're right, I have been taking you for granted. It is unfair that I am not helping around the house when we both work full-time jobs. I promise to do better. When we got married it was supposed to be a partnership, 50-50, and it will be again. I love you and the children. I don't want you to ever feel this way again."

He bent his head to give her a kiss, and then whispered in her ear, "It is you and me, Charlie and Cathy, against the world, just like I promised you ten years ago."

"As it should be," she sighed and gave him a kiss.

Visit Tamara's profile on Pinterest.

Having it all- a short story told in two parts

2015-03-27T14:53:00.001-04:00

Catherine folded laundry in the basement of her perfectly adequate single family home. Her life could be summed up by the pairs of underwear- male and female- she folded: plain, simple, uninspiring.

She turned off the light in the dimly lit laundry room and carried the basket up the steps from the basement to the main floor. Light poured into the family room from the bay window at the front of the house. She looked at her family- husband asleep in the recliner, daughter watching her favorite cartoon, and son playing with his matchbox cars- and smiled. They were the perfect nuclear American family and yet something was missing. As she rounded the corner to go up the next set of stairs to their bedrooms, not a single person looked in her direction. She paused with one foot resting on the bottom step waiting for someone to acknowledge that she had walked through the room, but no one seemed to notice.

"Well then," she mumbled, "I see that no one notices me anymore. I think I will just leave the laundry here in the basket and see how long before they notice that!"

But two weeks passed and no one noticed. No one noticed the other baskets of laundry being dumped on top of the previous ones. As long as the children had socks and underwear and clean clothing to wear, no one noticed that the house was beginning to look like a laundry-mat exploded.

There were other things, too, that frustrated Catherine. The kitchen sink would be full of dishes even though the dishwasher was empty. Groceries were bought and put away and nary a word was mentioned unless a favorite treat was exhausted before being quickly replaced.

Where did I go wrong? she mused. Where did I lose sight of my hopes and dreams for a loving and engaging family life? Where is my Hallmark Family?

Each morning she got up at 5 am to finish cleaning anything that was missed the night before, packed lunches and backpacks, and brewed a pot of coffee. The family slept peacefully for another hour and a half so that they got enough sleep. On days that her husband did not have to go in to work as early, he took the children to the bus stop, but on the rest of the days, Catherine had to take the children to a before-school program and then hurry home to meet them when they got off the bus. The daily grind was just that- a grind.

A month after the laundry began to pile up, Charles, her husband, asked a question,then made a comment, and finally a suggestion. "Why aren't you taking care of the laundry? You know we can't have anyone over to the house because you aren't keeping up with the cleaning. Maybe you should take a day off from work to clean the house."

Catherine looked at Charles and responded, "Why don't you?"

"What?"

"Why don't you take a day off from work and clean the house?"

"Why would I do that? I work hard all day, the last thing I want to do is take a day off to clean. Oh, I get it, you were being rhetorical. Okay, okay, this Sunday I will take the children somewhere so you can get some work done." he responded as he walked into the next room. He was done discussing it.

An afternoon to myself? What will I do? I could get the laundry sorted and the living room vacuumed, but I don't think I am going to do that. I think I deserve to be pampered a little bit!she thought while she hummed a little off-key tune to herself.

Sunday came and went, the laundry was still piled high, the dishes were in the sink, and the living room floor was getting decidedly crunchy. However, Catherine had a new Mani-pedi and hairstyle.

"What did you do?" Charles fumed. "I gave you an afternoon to get caught up. I took the children out for the day so you could clean the house, not get your nails done!"

"I work hard all week and thought that getting a little bit of me-time would make me feel happier," she responded. "Maybe you can take the children again this coming weekend. I'm sure that I will be able to get something done."

"I can't, I am going down to my brother's to watch the game."

The detente was strained. The laundry was barely being addressed, and the overall cleanliness of the house was deteriorating. The children did not notice. As long as they had clean clothes, food to eat, toys, cartoons, and a bedtime story, they were content; or so it seemed.

One day, two months after Catherine's strike began and on her day off, Brian, their six year old son, climbed onto his mother's lap and asked "Why don't you love us anymore?"

"What makes you say that?" Catherine nervously laughed. "Of course I love you!"

"You don't like the house then?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, you used to clean all the time. When we got home from school, you cooked dinner, and then cleaned up. When we got up in the morning, you had cleaned more. You also liked doing the laundry, why do you hate it all so much?"

"Oh, you thought I liked to clean and do laundry because I was doing it so much?" she inquired.

"Why else would you do it?"

"To show that I cared for my family... Oh, now I see," she murmured. "If I stopped doing those things, I must no longer love you, is that it?"

"Yes," he responded shyly.

"No, it doesn't mean that I no longer love you or the family or the house. It means that Mommy is tired of doing it all. Mommy is tired of no one noticing all that she does and how hard she works. When I stopped cleaning all the time I was able to spend a little more time with you and your sister. I read extra stories and I even baked your favorite cookies. I stopped cleaning so much because I didn't think it mattered to anyone."

"It does matter Mommy. Do you want me to help you put away laundry? I don't think there is anything in my drawers or closet anymore. It should be easy to do."

"Thank you my love, I would love some help."

With a lighter heart, Catherine took Brian's hand in hers and walked upstairs to tackle the laundry monster.

When Charles got home from work he noticed that the laundry was finally put away and that the living room was vacuumed. Ha, he thought, I knew I could out-wait her!

(to be continued)

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Job charts for the children

2015-03-24T00:02:00.002-04:00

For those who know me, I have been vocal on how crazy my children have been lately. I am home right now recovering from an injury to my back and the children are making my recovery more challenging. How? Well, nothing says pain like tripping over My Little Pony figurines or stepping on Legos when one's back is already hurting.

To regain my sanity (and to reduce the chances of hurting myself more) I made job charts for my children.

From the categories, you know what my children are struggling with. Miriam is nearly eight years old and we are still having issues with listening, picking up toys, and being kind to her brother. Benjamin is five years old and due to his medical condition, we still struggle with potty training, but the tantrums are ruling our lives right now.

I sat down with the children and explained what I was going to do and why. I also asked them what categories I should have to see if we were on the same page. Miriam was old enough to figure out that what I am fussing about is what I want done whereas Ben needed some nudging. Once we had the categories done, we agreed on a reward system. If reading about B.F. Skinner taught me anything, it was that we need to shape the behavior we want and if you want a behavior to last, punishment is not how you make it last, reward is the key. Now, with three years difference, the goals needed to be obtainable, so for Miriam, if she gets a magnet in each day for a category she gets a sticker. When she has three stickers at the end of a week, she gets a prize. After two weeks, she will need to get four stickers to get a prize. After four weeks, it will be five stickers. And finally, after six weeks, she will need six stickers to get a reward. Once we are up to the behaviors I wish to have for the week, the long term goal will be to maintain them, so I will up the ante: it will take more stickers to get bigger rewards. I can also change the categories to include more age appropriate categories and give an allowance. For Ben, the system will be the same except he still gets a sticker for a category if he misses two days in the week and he starts with only needing two stickers to get a prize. The added bonus was that we discuss our day before going to bed which is a nice summary skill.

How did I make them? It was very easy and really quite cheap. What you will need (I had almost everything in my house, but you might have to stop off at the Dollar Tree and/or Kmart):

metal cookie sheet (Dollar Tree)
craft paint/ house paint (I used semi-gloss white house paint)
a flexible ruler for the lines
permanent markers (I had the children choose their colors)
magnets (enough for 7 x the number of categories; the most expensive part of the craft)
stickers
ribbon (to hang the chart off of)
hot glue gun and sticks (to glue the ribbon on)
hook (whatever kind you want for wherever you will hang the chart, I use 3M removable)
small prizes for the rewards

Once you have items assembled, paint the metal cookie sheet and allow to dry for about three hours. Using a flexible ruler, make the lines on the painted surface. I gave myself two inches of space at the top and then spaced lines one inch apart for the categories. I wrote the categories first and then gave myself about an inch square for each day of the week. Once all categories and days of the week are labeled, flip the cookie sheet over and hot glue the ribbon onto the back. I don't have a measurement, I eyeballed the length based on how low I wanted the chart to hang. I used 3M hooks on their bedroom doors. Done in less than four hours, and most of the time was waiting for the paint to dry!

Visit Tamara's profile on Pinterest.

Update:

This is what was accomplished after one week.

Owning my imperfections

2015-03-17T23:37:00.001-04:00

It sometimes seems as if my life careens wildly from one disaster to another. I wonder what other people's lives are like- quiet, serene, picture perfect?

Let's be honest, I am as far away from that of the magazine-mother as one can get, and my children are, well, products of their mother. When I got married and had children, I thought I would be a great mom- I have a degree in Psychology and Education for goodness sake! What has happened has not been perfect, it has been exactly imperfect. How do I know how badly I am doing? I am constantly reminded of my inadequacies on Facebook. I see the photos of my friends' children as they dance, somersault, climb, ski, read, travel, explore, wander, and just live a better life than I can give my children. I must admit I am super jealous. I have read about how well other children listen to their mothers and pick up their toys. As much as I wish it to be true, I am not going to be Mother of the Year. Each day I am just trying to be Mother of the Moment. I am terrible at it, but I am trying.

I often wonder if other moms are going through the same issues; however, we have been conditioned to be our own family PR managers. We don't want to portray a less than perfect appearance whether it is on Facebook, Pinterest, a blog, or another social medium. I recently realized that others do not share their day to day nonsense from their lives, while I am an open book. I do not mean to over share, but I want to know that I am not alone in this crazy dance called motherhood. Coming to this state at an older age means that those who I would have asked have forgotten since they had their children when they were "supposed" to, and those who have children at a similar age to mine are looking to me for guidance!

I have two friends who are absolutely wonderful at this motherhood thing (I have others who rock and roll all things motherhood too, but these two are superhuman!). One is a successful lawyer, mother of three, and a nationally recognized writer. She bakes homemade goodies for her children who are the envy of those around them. In addition to this she is one of the nicest people you could ever meet. My other friend is a commercial property manager, mother of two wonderful boys who both have medical conditions, runs a side business, and makes sure that her children have fantastic opportunities that she usually gets at deep discounts because she is a coupon queen. Did I mention that her sons' birthday parties are creative, interactive, and completely homemade? She too is simply wonderful to be around. I look at all they do and wonder how they can do so much and be sane and nice. I feel like a troll who lives under a bridge raising her children in the wild compared to these two, but at the same time I know they have experienced the ups and downs of imperfect motherhood.

I will never achieve their level of awesomeness, but I'm okay with that. They don't rub it in my face that their children are better than mine or that their children's medical conditions are worse than my child's medical condition or otherwise make me feel inferior. I don't feel as if they are secretly thinking less of me because my son has injured himself for the umpteenth time this week or that my daughter has sassed me to the point that I am considering renting her out to my Amish neighbors to remind her of her cushy life.No, they support me and give me great advice with no side order of judgment.

Do I wish I was a better mom? Sure I do, but I am owning my imperfections. Once I began letting go what I thought others were able to achieve, it allowed me to see my children for the blessings they are. Will I still post things on Facebook? Of course, there needs to be at least one mom out there keeping it real, but I will no longer worry that my children are missing out compared to others. They are perfectly imperfect children and they are mine.

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Traffic- Amish style

2014-11-15T21:44:00.000-05:00

I know this seems like a random post, but those who know me, and where I live, will understand.

The scenic and bucolic landscape of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania is really a myth perpetuated by the local tourist bureau. While there are some areas in which one can drive on back roads surrounded by a lush landscape and the occasional Amish buggy; the reality is that we have traffic like New York City and LA. Oh sure, on a Sunday afternoon you can get caught in an Amish buggy traffic jam on South Rte 896, but contrary to what some cable stations would have you believe, there is more to Lancaster than the Amish; and while we do not have the number of cars either of those two major cities boast, we have allowed our roads to be clogged.

How did this come to pass?

I'm glad you asked! We have single lane roads, by- passes, and limited access expressways that seem to be perpetually under construction. In fact, there is a joke in PA: there are two seasons here- under construction and not. Recently Lancaster City was privileged to have not one, not two, but three bridges under construction at the same time! (We only have four major ones north and south of the city) This meant that driving anywhere in the city was a major endeavor. But, it gets better, while one of the bridges was under construction- with all its lane closures and back logs occurring- adjacent to the traffic clogged intersection just before the bridge, the city approved a new building to be built! The building was needed and it serves a fantastic purpose, but did it need to be constructed at the same time as the bridge 50 yards away was causing such chaos? But just like the info-commercials of the 90's- wait there's more! While the two southern bridges- the main entrance and exit of the city for those who live south of the city- were being repaired, the Lititz Pike bridge was being replaced. Oh, but that area had already lived through a redo of the train station the previous year, surely there was no need for more construction? Of course there were other ways into the city from the south, there is Rte 324 that parallels Willow Street Pike and the Conestoga River, but that too apparently needed to be closed for a week to repair drain pipes... deep sigh.

Now, lest the east and west lanes of traffic feel left out, there were multiple buildings under construction in the city along those major routes with their subsequent lane closures. One would have to wonder how anyone could get to work on time or at all. The worst part of most of the construction is that we did not necessarily improve the roads. We improved the bridges and we paved the roads, but when a double lane meets a single lane, there is gridlock. And don't start me on Rte 30 traffic!

I am not one of those people who does not like progress, I enjoy seeing the City (not New York, Lancaster) get a little spit and polish. I do think that we need to realize that people live here, and work here and that, while nice, the tourist only seem to come to this area for a few things and during certain seasons. The powers to be need to realize that having the whole City under construction meant that those tourists who visited us would have been stuck in that same backlog on their way out to see the Amish buggies and Outlets- and they might not come back.

Lessons to be learned

2014-08-05T15:19:00.002-04:00

Now that my pity party is over, I feel like I can move forward. Last week was a tough week for me. I did not interact with most people and I stayed home. I had a few friends reach out to me and offered a shoulder to cry on and I stayed home. I cried, I slept, and I stayed home.

Once I got over the initial feelings of hopelessness, I realized I could wallow in despair or I could learn from this process. Heck, I would be teaching myself some important lessons; or should I say reteaching myself. I have learned and forgotten many of these lessons. Maybe now I will retain them.

I am big on lists, it is how I organize my thoughts, so if you have read my other blog posts you know I almost always have a list. So here is my list of lessons I am relearning from this experience:

1. Value what you have

Immediately after my last blog, I read other blogs about those who have lost everything. I read news reports of families who lost all their children in accidents. I read about the complete destruction of everything they held valuable. Who am I to complain about my life? Well, I am me and it is okay for me to complain about it. Just because my life is not more horrible does not make it less bearable. I am having a hard time right now, it is hard to deal with, and I am struggling with my new reality. People losing everything made me realize what I have, what was important, and how all was not lost; however, I am struggling being thankful for my life right now. Losing everything will not change my struggle today because that is what my struggle is: trying not to lose everything. What reading those stories did do was give me perspective. I had not stopped to value what I have in my life. I was going through the motions of living the life I thought I should be living instead of living the life I needed to be living.

2. Appreciate your family

I did something that I have not done for a long time, I played Uno with my family. We played round after round, and it was the most fun we have had in a long time. It was hilarious listening to the comments made by my husband and children after I got them with a Draw 2 or a Skip. We lost track of time. It made me think about all the missed chances I have had to simply enjoy my family. Am I the best mom? No. Are my children perfect little angels? No. But we are family and we need to spend more time playing together and enjoying our time spent. I will never get this time back again, so if you come to my house and it is not clean, well, I got lost in in an Uno game instead.

3. appreciate your friends

I would love to be the kind of person who has loads of friends and enjoys going out to party, but that is not me. I have a few very close friends, a few good friends, a few friends, and the rest are people I am friendly with. The layers are important. I would never ask a friend something I would ask a good friend, and I would never ask a good friend what a very close friend would just share without asking. For those who have met me and think I am out-going, it is a front. I am friendly but guarded. I am not going to let you into my life easily. Those who are very close friends have been there through many trials and tribulations. Those who are good friends are those who may not have been in my life long enough to earn that trust. It is my protective layering that keeps me from burning out. I have a hard time telling others no; my close friends tell me to slow down. I appreciate my friendship layers because all my friends provide valuable filters to the obstacles in life. After posting on my blog, I found out which of my good friends are really very close friends. I am not going to punish others for not calling or texting, everyone has their own lives, but it is good to know that I have more closer friends than I thought.

4. Organize yourself

One of the most important lessons I can learn may be to be better organized. What does that have to do with spending less? Well, after going through the pantry, I discovered that I had more of a particular cereal than I thought and there was no need to buy more. By going through the deep freezer, the pantry and the refrigerator, I discovered that we could live off of the food I had already purchased for at least two months. Will it be the most varied diet ever? No, but it was important to know that my family will not starve, I don't have that worry on my mind. Additionally, due to a friend of mine with a son a little older than my own, I have enough hand-me-downs to last at least until next summer, maybe longer. I don't have to buy a thing for Ben to be ready for school. Mimi will need a few things, but she is finally into the size of clothing that another friend gave me. I went through my closet and discovered that I had been keeping stained, damaged, or just plain ugly clothing; it all went. Now I know what I need to maintain a professional appearance: two white blouses. When going through school supplies, I discovered I had almost all that I need for the upcoming school year, so I should be able to hit a few sales and not spend a fortune now getting ready.

5. Accept help

I don't know which lesson is the hardest to learn, this one or the next, but I do know is that I am horrible at it. I am Miss Independence, hear me roar! So reaching out to others to ask for help is humbling and hard to do. I swat away help that is offered, can you imagine me asking for it? Me? Well, I have asked for help. It was mostly setting up payment plans and such, but that is hard to do. I know some people have no problem, but I internalize this as a failure. I don't want to be a failure, I want to be a success, but what does that mean? If a millionaire misses out on a golden opportunity, does that mean she is a failure? No, she is already a millionaire, so she has already had success. I have been successful, this is just a hiccup in life.

6. Be kind to yourself

The hardest lesson of all. I spent a week beating myself up. I pouted over missing my high school class reunion (my 25th), my inability to see this coming on, my lack of planning, my poor organization skills, my laziness, etc... It didn't take away the pain; it only made me more depressed. What our internal dialogue does to us is far more detrimental than any bully. When we beat ourselves up, it does nothing to improve our situation, it merely acts a stumbling block. So I decided to think about what makes me happy, mentally got rid of those items that cost money (no trip to England!), and decided to do at least one thing a day that makes me happy. Yesterday it was make blueberry jam. Today it was sleep in. Tomorrow it will be something unplanned, maybe a hike with the children.

Now if you will excuse me, I have an Uno game to get back to...

No longer a part of the economy

2014-07-31T18:38:00.002-04:00

It finally happened, the day I have been running from for years, the day that I have done everything in my power to avoid has finally occurred: I am no longer able to contribute to the economy. I am not going to the movies, eating out, buying clothing, going on vacations, socializing, or adding money (beyond buying gasoline and basic groceries) to the local economy. On paper I am middle class, but the reality is I am barely hanging on.

How did this happen? I thought you were a teacher? I thought you were a professional? What did you do with all that money? All valid questions. I will attempt to answer them and not make this into a giant pity party. As a teacher, I have seen my costs go up while my take home has not. I recently got another job, but it is not enough. I accept my role in this, but it would have been easier if things were not stacked against success. If it was not for my parents, I am sure that I would be worse off and not hanging on at all.

The truth is I was terrible at money management when I was younger (and so was my husband apparently), I believed that I would always make enough money to pay my bills and if one job did not work, then I would get two or three jobs. At one point I had four jobs, but that was before children. I would not be in my current financial position if I did not have children, but I would also not have the only sources of daily joy either, so I am not willing to give them up or rewrite my history to exclude them.

There are several important factors to my situation:

1. student loan debt

The student loan debt held by many around my age is a true crisis in America. There are thousands of us out there who do not qualify for loan forgiveness, breaks in percentage paid, or help in anyway. Remember how all the banks got super low interest rates so they wouldn't fail? I can't get a lower rate and I can't refi my loan now due to my creditworthiness which was destroyed by my student loans. My loan has doubled since I took it out; compound interest will do that to you. Hey, I never claimed to be a math whiz! When I graduated from college, I entered the work force when the Baby Boomers were just hitting their stride; there were no jobs. I worked multiple jobs, but never made enough to pay on my student loan that just got deferred or a forbearance until I was in a better financial situation. When I got my teaching job, I thought I would have more time to start paying back, so I tackled credit card debt and then looked into loan forgiveness programs. I was "lucky" enough to have my first student loan discharged six months before the beginning of one loan forgiveness program's start date so none of my loans would be forgiven. I work at a title one school so another program said they could get me loan forgiveness for working there; however I needed to have applied for it in the first five years of teaching. The program didn't exist in the first five years, so no dice. Another program allows for forgiveness of my loan after 10 years of on time payments, but I missed out on this almost immediately because my loan was sold to another company without my knowledge and I was already two months behind before I realized that my deferments had expired. So now I am in debt rehab where I must spend money I do not have to get the nearly $20,000 of fees they added to my loan removed. I will spend 10 months doing this and in the end be back down to the amount of money I started at, the thousands of dollars I have paid in going only to finance charges. The best part is that now that I have been rehabbed, the amount I must pay back each month will be based on 15% of my gross income which will result in an even higher amount than what I am paying now. But hey, it will be a weight loss opportunity since I don't qualify for food stamps but will not be able to buy food either.

2. daycare

I must have daycare for my son. He is not of age to go to public school so he must go to a full-time daycare that will accommodate his severe auto-immune condition. Again, I do not qualify for anything, so I will be paying $145 a week for his care. The good thing is that they will feed him so my food bill will be lower. The daycare has been very understanding of my situation and has allowed me to get behind and then caught up every so often with my bill, and did I mention they will feed my son at no additional cost?

3. family members with severe food allergies/ conditions needing specialized food

My son has Eosinophilic Esophogitis (EoE) which is a severe autoimmune disorder making him allergic to most food. There is a special formula he must drink, but he has been having trouble with it lately so I switched to one he could digest better but the insurance will not cover it. My food bill is 50% higher than others with the same family size because specialized food and formula is much more expensive. For example, a loaf of bread that is half the size of regular bread cost $8 a loaf, but it is one that he can eat, so I buy it. My daughter and I must eat gluten free and my husband is diabetic with Grave's disease. I went grocery shopping the other day and spent $200 on basics that would have been less than $100 for those without food issues.

4. increased cost of health insurance

One of the ways we had hoped to cut costs was to have my husband's company pick him up on their heath insurance, but then he started losing weight and we had to get loads of tests done. My insurance would have covered it all, his does not. We now have almost $500 worth of medical bills to pay (and growing), but I know it could have been worse. My district also increased the cost of my insurance because I have a family plan, but if I did not have the insurance, my son's condition would have bankrupted us a year ago. Any savings we got from my husband changing insurance has been eaten up in the lack of coverage that we must now pay.

5. the electric company's winter gouging

Last winter when the polar vortex hit, the cost of electricity sky rocketed, but only for those who went with another provider besides the local company who has great lawyers so I will not mention them by name. Those who did not shop around continued to pay a low rate, those who had tried to save a little money and went with another company, had electric bills nearly 5 times higher. My bill went from $150 to $550 in one month even though I used less electricity than the previous month. I tried to switch it back but there is this wonderful law in PA that prevents you from being able to switch back any sooner than 40 days. When it was all said and done, two months of electricity cost over $1,000. Calling the PUC didn't help, where others were given help (mostly the elderly, which is fine) those of us who were not on a fixed income were not given a break. If I could figure out how to get off the grid for no additional money, I would. There is a solar power company that does install for free, but they do not operate in this part of the world.

6. credit card debt

I admit it, I used credit cards too freely in the past. I don't use them at all now, but I am struggling to make minimum payments at all. I can't even get a consolidated loan, my credit is destroyed. On the bright side, NO ONE will steal my identity!

7. extended family care

This is perhaps the biggest drain on my family. I have had so many surprise bills related to my husband's family. Andy took on bills from his father's estate, for his mom now that she is in a nursing home, and his brother. By him, I mean us. Time and time again we have been faced with a bill that we did not know existed. Right now I am looking at about $2,000 worth of bills that are at a critical point for non-payment that were not shared until now. It is because of these bills I am sitting here typing. There is no where to go, no more juggling to do. I am damned if I do or don't.

Thank you for reading my cautionary tale. It is how a well educated professional can no longer contribute to the economy, the American Dream no longer within reach. At least we don't have debtor prisons in the United States, yet.

Returning to me

2014-06-24T23:44:00.001-04:00

After taking well over a year to deal with major issues in my life, I have gotten back to being me. I was lost for a while in trying to be all things to all people, but now I realize that I need to be me first and allow the rest of my life to fall into place. Don't get me wrong, I have had some pretty amazing things happen to me in the last few months, but I was lost.

Let me explain a little. I have been struggling with trying to find balance in my life in the face of some major health challenges (I made a list because, well, I like them):

My son was diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophogitis (EoE) on April 3, 2013 which meant that my family's already restricted diet arrangements were put to the test. My daughter and I cannot digest gluten, but my son was now unable to eat most food. His immune system attacks his esophagus in the presence of most foods. It has been extremely challenging meeting his digestive and nutritional needs while also making sure the rest of the family is eating well but not so well as to make my son jealous of what we can have that he cannot- he is four years old after all.
At the same time I was hired as an adjunct professor at a local community college, the demands of being an urban high school teacher began taking its toll. So in the middle of trying to keep ahead of the issues surrounding my son's condition, the stress of my main teaching job caused my own health issues. I had to have my gall bladder removed in the beginning of November. For those who have never had gall stones and an inflamed gall bladder, let's just say that the pain I experienced giving birth to my daughter was manageable in comparison!
Finally, the cherry on the top of the year was my husband's diagnosis of Graves disease. Although I am a little jealous of the weight loss the condition provides, I do not wish it on anyone else. Andy has lost a fair amount of weight in the last few months, had his diabetes numbers go crazy, and nearly caused a trip to a divorce lawyer because of the crazy mood swings he (and I) endured until the doctor figured it out. Now we just have to worry that the meds he takes with destroy his liver.

The balance I needed to create was tipped and then tipped again by trying to meet the needs of those around me while not listening to my own needs. Who out there doesn't want to be the best parent, the best employee, the best neighbor, the best child, the best sibling, well, just the best? I wanted to be the best so badly that I took on too much and failed to recognize when I wasn't giving my best to anything. I needed to assess my life, determine what was best for me and mine, and then move forward. I think I have begun that journey. The hardest will be dealing with the feeling I am letting others down. I don't like people to think I am selfish, so I over do everything. I am taking the summer to rediscover who I am or at least who I want to be. I know there will be times that I feel I have let others down, but I am also discovering that something that seemed so incredibly horrible to me, was just a minor blip on someone else's screen. I am not letting others down, nor am I letting myself down, when I take time for myself; I am being the best I can be.

Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EoE)

2013-04-15T19:56:00.001-04:00

As much as I wanted to, I could not post for some time. I have been dealing with a little boy who has been quite ill for some time. The last time I posted it was just before school began, so I knew it would be a while before I would have time to sit down to blog about life. Little did I know that it would be more than six months due to my son's illness.

Ben- I used to try to save his identity before and called him BJ, but now it is important that you know his name- is only three. Before he had reached that advanced age, he began to show symptoms of a digestive issue. He had acid reflux as a baby and something called spastic colon, but he seemed to out grow all of that. But around Columbus Day in 2012 Ben got sick, really sick- explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting. We thought it was the flu, but it just didn't go away. He lost weight, refused to eat or, when he did, he threw it up. I put him on Pediasure as his primary food and then tried to reintroduce solids. It was one step forward, two steps backwards. I went to his doctor and we did an ultrasound to see if there was a growth. We did blood work to make sure he did not have diabetes or thyroid issues. Ben got worse. When he began to bang his head on the floor out of shear frustration, I lost it with the doctor's office and demanded a more hands-on approach; I got the name of an allergist who had just opened up a local office after branching off from an allergy group she had worked with so she could focus on children, and an emergency appointment with a pediatric gastroenterologist at Hershey Children's Hospital.

Dr. Fisher was the allergist who gave me the first news: Ben would need to have chocolate and tomatoes removed from his diet. I found out that two of his favorite foods was off limits; I needed to find alternatives. Dr. Alexander ordered tests for his bowels to make sure it was not some kind of bacterial issue. Let's just say those tests were not as easy as collect fresh samples. My husband and I had to collect poop in all its forms to be delivered to the lab in liquid form, in frozen form, within an hour, within a day, within 3 hours,... Dr. Alexander ordered an upper GI that confirmed that Ben still had acid reflux so Ben was placed on Zantac. Dr. Fisher put Ben on Zyrtec for whatever the other allergy was until Dr. Alexander could perform an endoscopy. The problem with being such a specialist is that Dr. Alexander's schedule was booked months ahead of time. We had to wait four months before Ben could have his endoscopy.

April 3rd is already a day that I remember quite well- it is the day that Ben crawled up onto a stool, leaned across the kitchen counter and pulled an entire pot of coffee onto himself and his sister, causing third degree burns. April 3rd did not need any more importance in my family's life, but now it is the day that I found out that Ben had Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EoE). I am still trying to figure out what this will mean. At its worse, Ben may never eat food again; at its best, he will not have certain foods and he will thrive once those foods are removed. Right now Ben has the first round of special patch tests on to see if any of those foods are the problem. Now we wait. Again.

Crazy Cleaning, Part 2

2012-08-15T05:05:00.001-04:00

Time has really flown by since I was able to sit down to complete my tale of cleaning woes. I felt that I owed it to my followers to complete this story, but since I think I know them all, they will have already heard this before!

One of the reasons I wanted to make sure the house was cleaned and organized was because I needed to be able to focus on work for school all summer and I figured that being organized would allow me to stay on top of the whirling dervishes I have for children. I can honestly say that it did not happen.

I managed to clean my bedroom, both bathrooms, the kitchen, dining room, both children's bedrooms, the playroom, and, wait for it...., my office! However, the two week plan had to be expanded to two months!

I do need to gloat just a tiny bit and explain why it took me so long. Around the three week mark I had completed the majority of cleaning tasks on my list. I had even shampooed the carpets in all the bedrooms and the living room. I was on my way to having all the laundry completed too until the evening before leaving for a trip to Florida I went downstairs to the laundry room. As I stepped down onto the last step, my foot found the little toy that my son had thrown down the steps, I rolled my ankle, heard a pop, and managed to fracture my left ankle. To make matters worse, my husband was just about to leave for work and my two nieces had already been dropped off in preparation for our trip. (Do not fly with a recently fractured/ sprained ankle, it was very uncomfortable plus keeping track of four children is difficult too.) In my husband's normal gruff matter, he looked at my ankle, decided it was not broken and left for work. I had to call my oldest "daughter" and her husband to watch the children while I went to urgent care. Kate and Marco had friends visiting them, so they all came. Marco and Joey took me to urgent care while Kate and Nataly watched the children. In the end, I spent six weeks in an air caste and today must be careful going up and down stairs.

Once I returned from Florida, I did very little in the land of heavy cleaning for about two weeks; however, I could not stand the thought of not getting things totally organized before school started, so I began cleaning my office. I am going to fully discuss the process in another post, but let's just say it took me a full seven days to get it organized. I had things in my office from the move three years ago; making my job a job of discovery. There were many "is that where that got to" and "Oh, shoot, now I have three of those!" during the process, but I am happy to say that it is done. Ok, as done as I am going to have it for now. I removed 18, yes 18, kitchen bags trash from the office and five emptied boxes.

I still have three more projects I need to tackle. I want to get at least two of them done before school starts in two weeks, but I am not sure I will succeed. Look for future posts of my success. Shoot, who am I kidding? Look for my future posts on how I tried but that darn butterfly flew by again!

(will try to post a picture of the office in the future, server is not allowing it right now)

I love Pinterest!

2012-06-26T16:08:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post, I have joined Pinterest.com to get some ideas for the house and for organizing my life a little more. It has educational ideas, craft ideas, recipes, organizational ideas, penny-pinching ideas... you get the picture. Below is what I have started:

http://pinterest.com/tmnewtonweaver/pins/

Here are a few ideas I have found and will be using!

I will show you the before and after of my home office soon (AKA: the Black-hole of Despair!), right after I have tried out some of these ideas.

Crazy cleaning, part 1

2012-06-25T15:12:00.001-04:00

Originally I wanted to write about my very organized cleaning schedule I used to clean my house from top to bottom, but I think a butterfly distracted me, because before I knew it, the time I had allotted to complete/write about my accomplishment was gone and I did not achieve my goals at all!

I am guessing others have gone through this themselves. I mean, seriously, how often do we make New Year Resolutions that have failed in less than two days? I gave myself two weeks to organize my life while also taking care of children, cleaning my classroom, and reading new curriculum materials for the summer work I needed to do. No wonder it was unobtainable!

Instead, I have written about my attempts to be more organized, even when it was more like two steps forward and three steps back. Below are my journal entries (written in parts):

Day One: Dropped children off at daycare, went to school to finish cleaning my classroom, planned on finishing by noon and use the rest of my child-free time on the house, but worked until 6pm. Had to have Andy pick up the children and make dinner. Washed dishes, cleaned up kitchen, and then picked up toys in the living room.

Day Two: Dropped children off at daycare, washed two loads of laundry to hang on the clothes-line, went grocery shopping (saved $45 using coupons and bonus buys, plus got Andy 60 cents per gallon off gas which is another $18 savings) with hubby who also wanted to go work-shoe shopping (hit an end of season sale for 70% off), and put away groceries. Went to BB's Grocery Outlet just south of me in Quarryville to see what bargains they had, and all I can say is wow! It is run by an Amish family but it is in a small warehouse- complete with a cooler and freezer section. Spent $53 for items that would have been three to four times the cost even with coupons. For example I was able to get Resolve High Traffic Carpet Cleaner for $1.99 a can (normally costs $5.99 at Kmart). I know, I am sure there are other ways to clean the carpet, but seriously, why kill myself when all I have to do is spray this stuff on the carpet and then use the shampooer with plain, hot water to get the stains out of my carpet? I mostly bought cleaning supplies, but will have to go back again to see what else there is, should have gone there first!Folded laundry, put clothes away and picked up more toys (I think they are the same ones!), and then got the children. Convinced Andy to make cheeseburgers on the grill and I made macaroni salad and green beans. Dined alfresco; have five mosquito bites now.

Day Three: Dropped children off at daycare and went to an all day training. Andy got a chance to catch up on sleeping without the children or me making noise. Got children from daycare and then made lasagna with turkey burger and chopped broccoli. Cleaned the kitchen and picked up more toys. Have resolved to go through all the toys to donate/ throw out because the house has become a toy warehouse!

Day Four: Dropped children off for the last day of daycare and then went over to my oldest "daughter's" house to help her clean. Kate is pregnant and suffers from morning/ all day sickness and could not do the cleaning that their new apartment needed. I have a Rainbow vacuum cleaner with a shampooer attachment, enabling me to thoroughly clean the carpets (used two cans of my $1.99 carpet cleaner too). Kate and Marco could not believe the difference when I was done. In fact, we discovered that the carpet patch at the front door was actually a different colored carpet but we previously could not tell! I have decided that cleaning a one-bedroom apartment is way easier than cleaning my own place. Hubby had to pick up children from daycare because I ran out of time, but did pick MM up from ballet. After dinner, laid on sofa, too tired to worry about own house, but got children to pick up toys in the living room!

Day Five: Can't move, back is killing me! Ouch, ouch, ouch! Went to chiropractor and then had massage, not much better. Can't take stronger than Motrin, poop! Children have undone any picking up completed yesterday. Cereal for dinner. Did I clean at all this week?

Day Six: Andy took children to visit his mother and brother to give me time to work on the house; however, woke up with a Migraine and did not get out of bed until almost 11 am. Did manage to get two loads of laundry out on the line, and then spent the rest of the time in MM's room: went through MM's clothes and got rid of the ruined and too small clothing, dusted, cleaned windows, and organized toys. Managed to pick up toys in living room and playroom. My back is still not happy with me either, but better. (Forgot the laundry on the line over night!)

Day Seven: Took MM to day camp and BJ to daycare (decided to pay for one week for him) so could get something done! Vacuumed the living room and playroom. Shampooed the carpets (back felt better for it!) and cleaned the dining room (AKA: the dumping ground), clearing out junk mail, art projects, a half eaten sandwich, something sticky, and discovered that there really was a dining room table! Picked up MM from her half day day camp and hung out another load of laundry after overnight load had finally dried. Washed the French door glass and polished the grateful, antique sideboard with Endust (love the almond smell!) and scrubbed the kitchen floor. After picking up BJ from daycare, made roasted chicken, potatoes and broccoli. Watched Tangled for the millionth time.

Total accomplishments: laundry, vacuumed and shampooed carpet in living room and playroom, found dining room and MM's room, scrubbed kitchen floor, and cleaned someone else's house. There goes a butterfly...

Surviving the "plague" and other crazy things

2012-04-04T11:31:00.000-04:00

Ok, it has been forever since I posted anything! I did not realize it had been so long. I have been battling the "plague" also known as every daycare illness that came down the pike. My whole family had the flu, then I think they had a special flu mutation just for us, I fought a sinus infection for two months, BJ had hand, foot and mouth disease, and currently both children are home again with coughs and random temperatures. I have been sick more times this winter than the previous five combined! It has become a joke in my family that I live in a plague house and that soon they will have to roll up with bell cart and I will hear "throw out your dead!" Yes, my family has a sick sense of humor!

It has also been a year since the children were burned by a pot of coffee. I continue to be amazed and thankful for the wonderful medical staff at Crozer Chester Burn Unit. Because of them, MM has almost no scar and BJ has very little obvious scarring. MM remembers very clearly what happened and continues to be nervous around hot surfaces plus thinks that every accident someone is involved in is related to hot coffee. BJ is completely fearless and does not seem to remember, but every once in a while he will point at the coffee pot tucked waaaayyyy back and says "coffee hot, no, no!" Works for me. I have no desire to ever visit the Burn Unit again or the hospital if at all possible.

I will be hosting a picture day at my house on April 28th, so I am hopeful that not only will I have the house and yard cleaned up, but I will also has no other illnesses. I know that I had high hopes for what I would have accomplished by now, but I am sad to say that I got nothing done around the house in the last few months. I have been planning on painting and organizing and cleaning, but beyond buying the paint, I have not gotten very far. I am going to blame the plague for my lack of motivation.

One big change for our family is that I just got MM's hair cut. Yes for the very first time. She chose a very short hair cut and I almost died, so we went with a longer version. I must say that she is now full of sass because she looks at least like a seven year old! Just to be clear, her hair was down to her butt and now it is just past her shoulders and layered. I cried the whole time. Some asked if I donated the hair and I would love to say yes, but I can not part with it. It will be in her baby book and when I die if she wants to donate it, she can but it will be over my dead body! Ha ha ha. Hey, if no one else will laugh at my jokes, I will!

My son has been improving his speaking over the past few months, but he still does not have truck down. He does not like me at the computer and tells me, "you get up mommy!" When he wants me to get out of a chair because he wants to sit there, he says "you go away mommy!" But my favorite is when he wants me to pick him up he says "I kill you mommy!" I think it is "I want you to carry me mommy" but it could be, as a friend suggested "I'll kill you if you do not pick me up mommy." My sister and another friend said that I am letting him watch too much Akmed the failed Terrorist from Jeff Dunham's show. I keel you! "Throw out your dead!"

A message to new moms

2012-01-08T16:51:00.001-05:00

I got a chance to visit with a friend of mine today. She is a new mom, a very new mom. It turns out that the reason I had not been able to visit before now was because she was feeling very overwhelmed. During my short visit, I discovered that she was not feeling like she was being a natural mom. What I mean is that she thought she would be better at this new mom thing. She was not getting enough sleep and she was worried that she was not producing enough breast milk or getting the system down or... She shut out those who could help her because she thought she was the only mom to have had these types of struggles!

So this post is dedicated to all those new moms who think that there is something wrong with them if they needed as an epidural for delivery instead of "sucking it up" and working through the pain, for those who did not breastfeed easily (they have lactation specialists for a reason) and needed to work through a few weeks of tears to get it right, and for those who are so bone tired they fall asleep while rocking the baby. This is for you.

Let's be honest, things are different today. One hundred years ago, for the most part, women were home, taking care of the children. Today, women are expected to be part of the household income. Now, not only are we mothers, housekeepers, wives, but we are also income providers. We are expected to do everything our foremothers did, but now, we must also maintain a career! Is there any wonder we feel overwhelmed at times? In this economy, it is not unusual for mom to be the breadwinner of the home, with all the stresses of maintaining that career, plus all of the stresses of the home. Is it any wonder we feel guilty?

Media does not help. We see these amazing moms on TV, in magazines and on the internet, and we wonder why we can not be like them. There is a reason why they are newsworthy, because they are not the norm! If we were all like those supermoms, then they would not make the news. One of the important things to remember about the supermoms is that they have support. They are married to someone wealthy, they have a nanny, they have grandmoms living nearby, they have a super supportive spouse, they have older children who are helping, or they have a person who comes in to clean the house; what ever it is, most moms do not have that right combination of support to be a supermom. So give yourself a break.

Newborns, babies and toddlers take a lot of energy to care for. Period. With newborns, you are tired because the hormones are out of whack and because of the feeding schedule. If you are breastfeeding, it is very tiring; lactating takes energy, and getting up in the middle of the night, each night, wears you out. I know it is hard to get a husband to be involved in this (he does not lactate); but there is nothing wrong with him taking on a new duty to give you back some of that lost time. He can take the baby for a ride in the car so you can sleep, or take a shower, or any tiny little luxury so you can recharge. If you are a second-time mom, and you have a toddler too, the exhaustion gets worse. I wish I could say it gets better soon, but the truth is, you will not get a real break until they are toddlers, and then it is not really a break, it is just a deep breath.

It is also okay not to like your children sometimes. Think about it: do you like your husband, co-workers, parents- anyone- 100% of the time? No. It does not mean you do not love them, it just means, at that moment, you do not like them. If it goes on for a few days, now, that is something to worry about, but once and a while, it is okay to have that feeling. What you do about that feeling is what is important. But don't feel guilty that you had the feeling, because it will just make you more tired and more depressed. You are human; yes you are a mom, but you are human, with a full range of emotions. Having the emotion- and not acting upon it- is fine. There is not a supermom-fairy watching you, and listening to your thoughts, who is keeping a report card on you. So give yourself a break.

Being a mom is tough. Don't be tough on yourself. Ask for help. If you get overwhelmed, reach out for help. If you do not have the supportive spouse or grandparent nearby, ask your friends for a little help. Now, everyday is pushing it, but a true friend will lend a hand. Give back some of that time later to show your gratitude because he/she may need the break too. You may not have a TV show or a magazine article written about you, but you are not a failure. You are human, maybe superhuman because you are a mom, but still a human.

You will be okay.

What's for dinner: Chicken, Broccoli and Rice Casserole

2012-01-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

I have finally figured out why I don't like cook books and why recipes bug me... being boxed into exact ingredients and measurements interferes with creativity. I also do not like to have to find exact ingredients that seem to be both expensive and hard to find. I like to make a recipe the way it is supposed to be made the first time but then I change it almost always after that. I also look at ingredients and think, "Hmmm, I bet I can make that with fewer ingredients or cheaper!" So, to that end, I looked at a casserole recipe and then made my version for my extended family last night and everyone loved it, so much that there was only one serving left! Even my niece who is not known for being very cooperative when it comes to anything new or with broccoli, finished her bowl!

So, to begin with, this is gluten free but other than flour to thicken it, it is made of items that are naturally gluten free, so it is not really more expensive as so many gluten free items seem to be. The second thing is, there are no measurements to really follow other than when I paid attention to a package amount. What I like about this is that you can make this as unhealthy or healthy as you want. I make it with chicken thighs, but you can make it with breasts if you like. I get my chicken from BJ's wholesale club and only pay $1.29 a pound for boneless, skinless chicken. I fed five adults, two pre-teens and two children with this recipe.

Chicken, Rice and Broccoli Casserole

6 chicken thighs, cut up into cubes
1 qt container of Swanson chicken broth
1 can of evaporated milk
1 16 oz bag of frozen broccoli crowns (defrosted)
4 cups of cooked rice (I use chicken broth instead of water)
6 Tbsp of GF flour
1/2 stick of butter
salt, pepper and Season All to taste
1 bottle of wine (I like Sutter Home's Moscato)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Spray a large frying pan with cooking spray and fry the cubes of chicken in the pan with Season All (I like this season so I shake a fair amount, but it is up to you). While the chicken is cooking, melt the butter in a large soup pot, add the flour to make the roue then pour in the chicken broth and can of milk. I add salt, pepper and Season All to this and stir it frequently. It should be thick, so add more flour if needed to thicken. Once it is thick, add the pre-cooked rice and mix well. Add the broccoli and mix well. At this point the chicken should be cooked so fold it in to the rice and broccoli mixture (do not drain because it adds flavor). Once everything is mixed well, pour in large casserole dish. Place in the pre-heated oven for 20 minutes. Makes a lot, so you will have left overs to eat the next day or freeze for later.

The wine was for my mom, exchange daughter (she was my exchange daughter in 2005 and is now married to a former student of mine and is living in the US full time!) and me to drink while making dinner!

Now that BJ is two...

2011-12-31T18:48:00.000-05:00

It really has been a while since I have posted anything. Work has been overwhelming and I had forgotten what daycare germs can do to the over health of a family! I thought I would update you on my little monkey BJ. I am also happy to say that 2011 is ending without anymore hospital visits!

I wish I could say that I was the super mom who potty trained her son by age 2, but that would be a lie so grand that my nose would be in danger of poking out someones eye! He does let me know when he has peepeed and poopooed, and of course, his favorite are "I toot" and "I burp." Which leads me to how much he is talking. He was moved ahead of schedule into the older kids classroom back in October, but that teacher apparently forgot that she got him two months early because his 45 day review was about how little he talks! Ok, he is not the precocious little two year old his sister was, she was completing compound sentences by aged two, but he is totally on track for a two year old boy! So, with a week off from work, I have been drilling him with his nouns and making him repeat after me. When he gets back to school in three days, he will be talking up a storm! He has moved up to three word sentences, thank you very much, I'll show you daycare teacher!

I also wish I could tell you that I have managed to get BJ and MM out of my bed, but that too would be a lie. I think that co-sleeping is okay for some and not okay for others. I find that with my children having been burned in April, the best kind of parenting I can do is make sure that my children feel safe and loved. With a husband away most evenings for his job, my children feel the safest with me at night, and to be honest, I feel safest with them too. I have watched the news this year with tears in my eyes as child after child has gone missing in the middle of the night or from some in attention of the parent. Maybe I feel like I have to be very careful with my children because a 10 second in attention in April meant third degree burns, but maybe it is just a normal thing for a mom to be so worried about her children that she wants them nearby whenever possible. The few times I have managed to get them into their beds, I was awake most of the night out of worry. Perhaps I am selfish, but there are more families who co-sleep in the world than not, and maybe that is going to be my norm for a while.

As far as personality, BJ's is really coming out. He has a sunshine smile and a cuddle-bug heart, but HE DOES NOT LIKE TO BE TOLD NO! He will try is smile, his "peassse, mommy" and if that does not work, he throws a temper tantrum. I can tell you that the Super Nanny would be hard pressed to change him. I described him once as "Sunny with a chance of showers if told no," now I would say "Sunny with a chance of a hurricane if told no." And stubborn! Oh my goodness, is he stubborn! But I can honestly say that both of his parents are stubborn, so he did not have a chance.

Well, thank you all for reading my blog and being patient with me for 2011. I plan to do a better job of blogging in the new year, but can not promise to do much better. As far as topic, well, I will still be random!

when your four year old is outsmarting you...

2011-10-17T12:40:00.000-04:00

Let me begin by saying that I did manage to complete MM's dress. It took me a bit longer because I made too many mistakes, had to rip out whole sections and finally just hand stitched sections! I learned a lot about my abilities and feel better about the next one I am going to attempt. I watched some videos on how to make a pillowcase dress and will attempt it but not using a pillowcase but some fabric that I already had. I will only need to buy some ribbon and some thread because I have everything else. I have a pattern for pockets and will use it because my daughter thinks that pockets are necessary in all of her clothes.

I have listed comments that MM has made in the past, but as she gets a little older and more education, she is getter better and better; here a few:

1. I was working on cleaning out my office (still not there yet) this weekend and MM came into the room, looked around, put her hands on her hips, nodded her head and tells me, "Mommy, you are doing a good job, it looks much better in here, keep up the good work!" and then walked out.

2. After trying on the dress that I made, she noticed a thread that I missed trimming and informed me that it was coming "unsewn" and that I needed to concentrate better when I make her the next dress.

3. MM said that I would need to hurry up and start working on a dinosaur costume for BJ since I only had a few weeks before they "hit the street." She then went upstairs to my closet and practiced knocking on doors and saying "Trick or Treat!" (She has only gone trick or treating once)

4. After playing with her brother for about two hours, she sat down, and said,"Wow, I have been helping brother all day! I deserve a break, it is your turn now mommy."

5. My parents go to Florida in the winter, coming back home for the winter holidays, and then going back at the beginning of January. I told MM that they would be coming home for the holidays. MM asked if they would be back in a few weeks and when I told her that it was too soon, that she had to wait until the holidays, she responded, "Well, Halloween is a holiday!"

*** Please note, MM is very sweet and helpful, but she comes up with some real zingers sometimes. When they are terrible (like her new rhyming game, duck, truck, stuck, f&#%, thank you truck driver daddy!), I have a conversation with her, but sometimes I giggle privately. ***

Finding balance

2011-10-07T19:53:00.000-04:00

I got paid today. In a matter of ten minutes, I spent all of it. Not on anything really, just daycare, bills and groceries. No longer am I supporting the economy in any meaningful way. I am just paying bills and buying groceries. I also got gas for the van which was just in the nick of time because my 18 gallon vehicle took 17.999 gallons!

When I was without family obligations, I thought that the only thing I really needed was to be able to pay my bills. I did not know that I needed more than that. I sometimes wish I could go back in time and slap myself around! If only I knew what a waste some of those things were! The one thing I will never, never, never regret is anything I did and bought in England. If I had the money now, I would go there to see my friends, especially my friend who is expecting twins after years of infertility.

Last week I got some fabric to make a dress for MM. She loves dresses and most of them cost nearly $20, so I got a pattern when the local fabric store had a super sale on patterns- 99 cents when they are normally $15. So, I got a coupon in the mail for 20% and fabric was on sale for 30% which meant that I would save 50% on the fabric and 20% on everything else. I worked all last weekend (ok not all but it felt like it!) on cutting the pattern and navigating the directions. It has been close to 10 years since I sewed anything, I really was trying to remember what to do (and ripping out mistakes!). I did not get in done for Monday, but MM thought I should have it done. When she wanted to wear it to school on Monday, and it was not done, she said, "You are not done yet? But you had all weekend!" Such a taskmaster!

I am going to finish the last bits this weekend and I have decided to also make a pillowcase dress for her as well. I figured I could satisfy her dress obsession for pennies on the dollar if I made them myself. I even have some ribbon that I bought years ago to do crafts and now I can use it to decorate dresses! I only wish that I could do the same for BJ, nothing is as easy as dresses for boys! I have been watching YouTube videos to get all the secrets to completing the dresses; now I need to find plain long sleeved white shirts to put under them.

My next adventure is to make her a Cinderella/Rapunzel/Princess and the Frog dress for her to wear for Halloween!

Funny how things that were important before are no longer important.

Making the best of it

2011-09-24T16:29:00.000-04:00

I am nearly a month into the new schedule with the children in daycare. It has been a challenge. I have tried to be creative with food because I am reduced to $30 a week for food. When I say that, I mean food. There is no way I can do that with diapers, wipes and clothing. Having said that, I have relied on hand-me-downs from some of my friends and sales in which I found clothing for $3 a piece. I also changed my car insurance to save $77 a month. I am looking to change my homeowner's insurance too, but need to find out what my fire rating is. If I can get my fire rating down (related to the fire department's rating) I can also save $300 a year on homeowners.

But above all other ways to cut spending, I seriously shop around sales and with coupons. Unless I do not have a choice, if it is not on sale and I don't have a coupon, then I do not get it. Of course having to buy gluten free makes things a little more challenging and I still buy produce, but I really try to hold the line on those items. Diapers and wipes are the ones that can be sneaky; I have had to buy diapers without a coupon, but recently bought diapers but got a $7 Catalina, so it was like having a coupon.

For those who know me, I am known as a bit of a spendthrift. I used to fill some emotional voids in my life by buying things. For the most part, I was not even buying for me but buying for others. I liked to be the one who bought the best gift; I still do, but now I am trying to be more selective. Buying gifts now are not about biggest and best, but personal and more thoughtful. For example, I made blueberry jam this summer and I gave it to others as a gift. This holiday season I plan to make gift jars for teas, coffees and snacks. Each item is not expensive by itself, but is time consuming to create and I believe that those who receive them like them and appreciate the gift. Or, they are being kind and like collecting mason jars!

I am a list maker. I have seen lists for 100 things to do rather than drugs or eating while on a diet or any number of things. I thought I would create a list of things to do rather than go shopping.

1. clip coupons, because even you break down and go shopping, you at least have coupons now
2. clean your bathroom. If you have a husband or other males living in your house, you understand why this could be laborious and sap your desire to go shopping after it is completed
3.bake, sometimes the reason I would want to shop was because I was hungry for something I did not have in the house
4. weed around the garden. I need to be active, so weeding takes the focus from my mind and puts it into a more physical activity
5. organize something. I still need to organize my office, so I have told myself that until that room gets cleaned, there is no shopping. Of course, even if I organize it, I still will not go shopping but in the past I rewarded myself by going shopping, now I will change it to another thing to organize. This way my house will get organized and I will not have added anything new to further disorganize it!

I hope that by living this year more frugally I will cure myself of wasteful spending and be a more thoughtful person.

Remembering 9/11/01

2011-09-11T16:23:00.000-04:00

When I think back to my life before 9/11/01, I can not believe how many changes have occurred. Many of those changes are for the better; some not so much, but I feel that I needed to record this time for later reflection.

I have a friend in England who had seen her parents board a flight bound for the US on the 10th. Her parents, unbeknownst to her, had changed their plans at the last minute, and decided to visit my parents first, rather than New York City. They were planning on staying at a hotel next to the World Trade Center. They decided to visit Maryland first; a move that saved their lives. They got to spend a month in the US not doing any of their planned activities, but they got to experience the US being nicer than at any other time in recent history.

On that morning, I was getting ready to go to work. I had a different teaching position than I do now, and did not have to go to work until noon. My mom called me and told me to turn on the TV. I asked her which channel and she said that it did not matter. I sat on the phone while watching TV when the second plane hit and when the Pentagon was struck. I remember them saying that they thought it was a bomb, that they did not think it was a plane. I also remember going into school early to help as many of our students have relatives in New York. I had also worked a summer program in which we had done a field trip to New York and had gone to the World Trade Center three weeks before. Those students came up to me and asked if that is where we had been and what we would have done if we had been there when the attacks happened. I had told them that we would have been alright, but I am not sure that we would have been. All I can think about is that I would have been responsible for getting them safely out of New York under terrible conditions. Then I think "Thank God we did not have to go through that." But, with time passing, I cry thinking about all those innocent lives that were lost. It is a kind of survivor's guilt.

The days and weeks that followed were just a blur, but I remember thinking that it was wonderful that we had stopped being so materialistic and egocentric and started caring about others. It reminded me of the reaction small communities have to tragedy, but this was nationally. We were nationalistic without being obnoxious; we were proud to be American. How long did it last?

Since that time, I have become a tenured teacher to International students, ended a relationship that had only just begun a year before that time, been a mom to an exchange student, been diagnosed with Celiac, gotten married, had two babies, sold a house and bought another. Evidence that life does move on even when it is hard to believe it can.

Please do not think that I have been the nicest person that I could have been. I am guilty of mean and thoughtless comments. I am guilty of making snap judgements based on appearances alone. I am guilty of not treating others with respect and dignity at all times. I am guilty of yelling at my children in frustration instead of stopping to take a breathe or even counting to 10.

Maybe on this day of remembrance that is what I need to do- make a commitment to be a better person. Not just because it is close to the new year, but because Gandhi once said that we should be the change we want to see. Before being guilty of treating others poorly, before snapping at others when I am having a bad day, I need to remember those days following 9/11/01 in which we all tried a little harder to be a little nicer. Maybe we need to make it a daily commitment. How many of us try a diet, cheat and then throw the diet out over a small digression? Let us all try to make each day count, not just for ourselves, but for others.

What I have been doing for two months...

2011-08-16T22:35:00.000-04:00

I apologize for being away for two months, but I have been working on curriculum for the new school year and helping with the summer school programs. I have been so busy with school and sitting in front of a computer screen reading ebooks and websites, that I just did not have the desire to type on my blog. I know it is selfish, but I promise that I will do better now that I am gearing up for school.

Short update on children:

MM is 4 years old, 3 ft 2 in, 34 lbs and ready to start pre-K in a few weeks.
BJ is 20 mos, 2ft 8in, 27 lbs and ready to start his daycare program too.

I still have not figured out how I am going to pay for daycare, but I am happy with my choice. The CAP program is a four star program and they will accommodate my children's gluten free needs. I was able to get a discount, but will still be paying $300 a week. I have decided to make this a challenge for myself. I need to lose a little bit of weight, but I am committed to feeding this family of four on $25 a week. So I am going to refocus my blog on my attempts (and failures) at paying all the bills and feeding everyone. Part of this challenge is because the federal government bases its poverty rate on what it takes to feed a family of four instead of housing. Not very realistic. So, I have been clipping coupons, making blueberry jam, looking for the buy ones and trying out recipes that can be made cheaply. Will let you know how I do. Will be making tomato jam next (getting tomatoes from my mom and dad's garden since mine did not do well).

Here I go...