a cup of tea

2012-01-30T14:42:00.000+08:00

One Word. Forgiveness.
read more

-------visit my new blog--------

2012-01-28T23:40:00.000+08:00

promised myself that I'll be fine but the truth is the opposite. I told myself that I'll be positive. That I'll be bold and strong to move on. Again, I'm actually drowning in my tears.

If you cry because the sun have gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.
-Tagore

read more...

2012-01-25T00:46:00.000+08:00

It's CNY and it means the ushering of the Water Dragon Year...but somehow I'm having a lot of flashbacks of what happens in the past especially back in 2009.
I have decided to open up more of my life to my friends since most people thinks I'm a snow queen.
Perhaps I am but that's simply is my personality.
I think this blog will soon reach 145-150 posts which for me is saturated.
So I'm opening a new blog:
Joie de Vivre
Do drop by and support.
Hope there's improvement in my blogging and writing skills.

Happy Chinese New Year 2012

2012-01-23T00:40:00.000+08:00

This time...is quite an awesome time since I get to be with my family...
Don't know why but I tend to have a feeling that makes me appreciate the people around me even more.
Since this year is the year of Water Dragon...no wonder it keeps raining...especially in JB.
Hope things are better even with the economy slowdown and all.
Maybe I shouldn't be bluffing my self and just face the reality...the economy for 2012 ain't better than 2008.
I actually have phobia of what actually happened in 2008.
And now it's worst.
Am hoping that things will change.
Was trolling in my friend's blog.
It has awesome poster CNY 2012 poster.

Happy CNY everyone. May this year brings luck,prosperity and peace. XD

2012-01-19T11:32:00.000+08:00

In life we often take the wrong turns and find ourselves in "checkmate". But I guess as long as we're living...breathing there'll be a way out.

Literally in the past 5 years I made a lot of grave mistakes and some are repeated because I simply don't have other options. It's sad to note that in this age many still have much options or control in making decisions for their life. I guess these are all caused by a failed system. A failed society.

All the pain that I endured have taught me to put on a brave front. Carved a smile. And be positive. However it makes me wonder that is all this unnecessary endurance make the society to lose the very essence that might lead to the Uthopian society that we all dreamt of. Shared the same vision.

I once thought that if only I can be a cyborg. To me, a cyborg is something half human half robot. If only I don't have emotions...I can just keep pushing on. Icy heart. No emotions. I tried that. I tried to flush out every bit of my feelings. I told myself to be rational....The result is that I hurt myself even more. Some things are there...it's meant to be there. Not meant to be kept out.

But it'll be a long time more before the sunshine is out.
superhuman....I won't be able to attain...cyborg...human of the future.
no emotions.no fears.
humans are fragile...we'll all fade away some day.

2012-01-18T11:43:00.000+08:00

I don't know why but I tend to have some sort of withdrawal symptoms these days.

I don't know why but I tend to have dissatisfaction within me.

I'm upset with myself...even before my results are announced...I am already beginning to feel that I didn't do good enough.

I'm really angry with myself that I can't get an A for most of my papers...I hate myself for that.

It's all my fault.

I begin to question is the cause of all these "complications" started within my heart?

Since I already hated my classes in the first week of lesson.

I wonder if I took up the wrong course...I mean, it never popped in my mind ever before to take up computer science.

Even other sciences look more interesting after attending comp science classes.

I thought about it...and I found a CISCO test and took it.

Anyway, I'll be a CISCO student at year 2.

And this is it...the results :P

I guess...I should just keep trying my best and never give up...even if I get crappy lecturers.
I think I should not give others a damn...just focus on my dreams.

The Positive And The Negate of It

2012-01-09T15:08:00.000+08:00

There are many times that we may find something pretty inspiring but soon the fire within. There's myth about many things that happen in life. Really much. One of it is the energy within you. The zeal. Passion.

One of it that I heard of is of Adam and God. Adam saw many "fire"s and asked God what's that. God told him that it's all "humans" that are not borned yet. There are some that are brighter and some dimmer. And Adam was attracted to a very bright one. But God told him that that "fire" will never be born because it will do many bad things in life. Adam told God to give that "fire" a chance and deduct the lifespan from his life. That "fire" was borned many years later to be who we known as King David. Of course, this is just a myth.

You know, when you're in your mum's womb...you actually kicked and I guess do that daily ritual and all. You wanted to live. You give your all...along the way...many years after you're borned the "fire" within you just dimmed and gone are the positive energy in you.

These days even as I'm faced with my finals and I can't do it. I felt like giving up. I kept telling myself to find the zeal within me. And that to trust God that every thing will be just fine...because if things ain't fine, it's not the end.

I seriously know how much people tend to say that I'm negative and told me to think positively. I love to think that I'm someone who's drop dead realistic. I'm melancholic and all of a sudden I have a thought of me being in form 4...the year where fun rules....me the enigma gal.

2012-01-06T22:47:00.000+08:00

Hi again!!!
And I'm hungry!!!
don't know why I keep feeling hungry these days!!!
Maybe it's due to the stress I'm facing for finals.
I don't know why I care so mush about the damn grades.
It's not like I didn't failed in any exams before.
I failed a lot...for maths in form 6.
Really don't understand why I care so much about it.
Finally celebrated the award RM 50.
Actually that's so so little for 9 people.
Will dedicate an entire post for pics once I get it from my friend.
Hopefully everything's fine.
My brain got stucked during esei for Hubungan Etnik today.
I was like "damn...i memorised that book and this is all i get...".
Decided to change the theme for this year.
It's basically a pic of an airplane which reminded me of the ad I drew...a conceptual ad...not those you see in newpapers or so.
The ad show about a little boy throwing a paper plane and at the back is the boy(grew up and fly the plane).
I think that is somewhat manifestation of making your dreams a reality.
I'm wondering if my perseverence is strong enough.
Am I persistent enough?

2012 Plans

2012-01-03T21:34:00.000+08:00

I am glad to be still alive today. And it's 3rd Jan already but new year count downs and all felt just like yesterday. According to the Mayan calendar...the world comes to an end on 21 December 2012. Wonder if you all believe it or not? I mean if with reference to the Bible then it is written that no one will know when is Jesus' second coming. I'm not very sure of what's written in other Holy Texts or Scriptures. I'm curious to know actually. Because this topic is way too interesting to be ignored. I think everyone will get excellent grades if asked to write on what they think of this issue for finals. Hot topic.

IMHO, I think the world will end on 21 December 2012 but if it didn't...that just prove 1 thing-God is giving us grace period. And I think this doomsday thingy has somewhat help remind us to live our lives more meaningfully. Heard of an activity where people start new blogs and blog everyday- one post each day about what meaningful things they did on that particular day. I thought of doing that too. But I guess I missed out quite a lot. Yeah, I mean people started it-365 stuffs starting from 21 Dec 2011 itself!!!

I started to appreciate more things in life. And people too. I'm glad that they are many people who stepped into my life and the positive impacts they brought to me. No doubts there are many people who came and passed by...they're what I call passers-by in life. I mean they are in my memory. The things they did and the impression they left on me. I wonder how people see me as. I'm really curious of how people see me. What I am in your eyes?

This pic was taken last year because I saw the beauty in the shadows. I guess some things that happened will leave scars and no matter how much time taken the healing rate is way too slow. Many times I wanted to just let it go. Easier said than done. I grew up. I think I'm more matured now. Still, some incidents still cast their shadows upon my life. I'm learning to forgive and forget. Seriously, this is something I hope I can succeed in life. And achieve in 2012!

Then there is this one good book that really inspired me back in 2011...I recommend you all to read it if you haven't read it or if you too,like me strive to be more effective and wants to make excellence a habit in life. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. The time I borrowed to read this book I thought this book is about time management to help me to be more efficient and all but I was wrong. It's beyond that. It taught me a little bit more about human relationships and synergy and win-win. Seriously, reading is one thing and implementing it is another. Hopefully, I'll be a more effective person this year. I really want to be someone highly efficient and effective. No doubts I'll make enemies in the process...there will jealous people and sick people who is against everything I do. When talking about efficiency, I'm always reminded of someone -Varsha the Efficient. She's my classmate and is very(X5) efficient.I guess I'm not even half as efficient?

I'm not very sure about if you all believe in God and religion. But I intend to explore more in this aspect. I mean I did soul searching and get to know more about religions. Just because your parents are of a certain religion doesn't make you a believer too. You gotta just learn to believe. Learn and believe. I just want to experience God even more. I'm in no denial that there exist a God. The Divine One. I guess this is another plan for year 2012.

I'm just curious of another thing is why my single friends didn't include finding a life partner in their wishlist or plan for 2012. As for me...this aspect, I'm not rushing so I'll just leave it to destiny and move with the flow.Anyway, still curious of others. Perhaps that's reserve for Chap Goh Mei, birthday wishes? Goodluck in finding your life partner, if you're single and available:-)

I also hope I can spend more time with my family and loved ones. Friends too. I just can't imagine having so much regrets. Guess, if you know you're dying your priority just start to shift? Another thing is academic wise. I don't want to disappoint anyone. I felt it's pretty hard to forgive myself. I'm beginning to hate myself. So it's time to learn about forgiveness and practise it!

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T23:30:00.019+08:00

Hi everyone!!!

I'm seriously glad that I managed to usher New Year in my hometown Melaka. It feels very different to celebrate festive days away from home. It just give some weird feeling to you. And you'll feel lonely.
Really lonely. Just like I felt during Christmas and Winter Solstice 2011.It's like most of my friends are back home, celebrating the festivals together with their family and friends. And I'm stucked in uni all ALONE.

3 bits controller using G22V10

The reason I didn't go back during Christmas and Winter Solstice is because I haven't figured out how to solve the problem and was lost...don't even know what's the prob with my simple photostat machine controller. It's basically a pair-work lab assignment which carry 8 marks when is calculated in the overall grade. For me, it's an individual work since my class is of odd number...just 33 people. Finally, it worked and I'm the first to demonstrate since I'm leaving JB on the time scheduled for the class demonstration. Basically have to do for 2 bits which controlled til max 3 pieces and 3 bits with max 7 pieces. Please enjoy the "masterpiece".

Toasted Wholemeal Roti Kahwin, Milo Ais, Yoghurt Drink

So I'm pretty glad that I'm done with that. Then another headache is that my programming assignment...can't work. This time...I just have no strength left to pull through. You can consider a little bit like I gave up. Too tired already. I just wrote the code but it just don't work. I don't even know what's the error. Just hand in the wrong one.
Got too tired with programming. I used to have the stamina to stare my comp for about 8 hours just to complete my working programs. But after the project which left me drained...the only thing on my mind is home.

Since my mum have meeting in Kota Laksamana, me and my youngest sis went to have breakfast at Hailam Kopitiam. No doubts, the prices are quite...
but I guess that's the standard price for eating in a modern kopitiam with WIFI and aircon. I'm so so in love with the yoghurt drink. It's just awesome. We ordered another glass after we finished the first.

Mussels On The Stone

This is also the my first time dining at StoneGrill. It's simply the restaurant with the gorilla and jungle decor in AEON Bandaraya Melaka. I just can't resist seeing people dining on the stone already. So I ordered mussels. Actually I also don't know what is that. Looked at the menu. Looked nice then ordered. And I love seafood. Gosh, it's awesome. I think there's more nice food in Melaka than in JB...in Skudai to be more precised. I guess, my next food adventure stop will be Kokiya. I mean, during my Form 6 days, always see people going in and enjoying themselves in there. Indulging in Japanese food.
Always wanted to try since it's opposite my school but...no chance. Hopefully can try it this year. the last time I checked out the Kobe beef rice at there was like RM 40++. Guess, won't be eating that but more on like bento and sushi.

P/S: Happy New Year everyone.

When things just don't work out the way you wanted

2011-12-31T15:57:00.000+08:00

Pressure is rising on me and I'm on the verge of breaking down even more. Imagine I'm already in bits but now if I just fall apart I'll be like broken into atomic or even subatomic size that you can start measuring me in nanometer. I guess I'll be winning the world record then.

There's just so much pressing issues for me to look into. And I have no one to turn to. I guess in uni I just don't have friends that are having the same frequency with me. I'm sad. It's like I'm speaking to them in some foreign language. No doubts my relationship with them are getting better. But ... when things ain't the same frequency, you just can't force anyone else to resonate with you... to be crazy together, doing things together...you just don't have that joy anymore.

I'm trying to be positive and think that things will be well at the end. Things will work out well.
Somehow I am a realist, just can't accept things that are surreal. I guess, it's best to appreciate things you have before they are taken away from ya.

Happy New Year 2012...Doomsday very soon. Live your life meaningfully ya.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-25T18:42:00.002+08:00

This year's Christmas was a torture for me!!!
Somehow I'm strucked by depression.
My circuit still cannot work the way it should and I already going to present it on Tuesday.
Gosh, I need SOS.
God, please work a miracle for me.
Please let the circuit to work the way it should.
Help the connection to be OK especially during the demo.
Gosh then I have loads of presentations and assignments on the way...I mean the deadlines.
Kill me please!!!

P/S: I confess...I'm drop dead jealous of people enjoying Christmas while I suffered from a lonely and depressed Christmas. LOL.
*isk isk*

Me Torn Into bits

2011-12-23T22:37:00.000+08:00

Greetings friends
And mourners!!!!

I hate myself ! I hate myself !
I don't know why but I guess it's from the imsomniac me that cause me to be this irrational. Have been sleeping for like an average of 4 hours a day. Anyway, I'm falling into depression I guess. Or is there another being taking over my soul? I just can't take this kind of idiosy pressure anymore. And to add salt to it, those effing monkeys just got to make things worse for me.

I tried being positive but just face the fact, I torn into bits. And the monkeys came to pull things apart. Perhaps it's a sign. Perhaps it's just pure coincidence. Just want to announce here that yeah, I got to join Orchestra for CoQ but was wondering what instrument should I be learning. Should I go for cello or violin? Or should I go for keyboard? Which is much more fun?

Anyway, everyone went home for tong zhi except me living in the midst of the monkeys. What is I someday become a monkey like just one day? Will you still accept me as your friend?

Here I am in rags. Will you mind? I just spend most of my credit calling back home to speak to my family. I know I'll be home really, really soon. It just that the projects are drawing my energy away. I'm depressed. I torn and falling apart. I need adhesives. SOS!!!

It's Serious Already

2011-12-07T14:37:00.000+08:00

Hi folks!
I'm sick at uni.
This sucks a lot.
I hurt a lot here.
Imagine purging and diarrhea and all for like 2 days or so.
My body's kinda weak right now.
And last week just recover from fever.

I hate falling sick and when I went to Pusat Kesihatan but it was no working that my parents gotta drive all the way to bring me my medicine. This seriously suck especially when you're living far away from home.

Please uphold my health conditions in your prayers ya!!!

IDK...

2011-12-02T12:19:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to do.
Things are going round and round.
There's no point to stop
And I 'm getting no where
Even if there's amber of regrets in me
there's no turning back.
perhaps it's the possibility of the road not taken
turn your thoughts away
driving you to your grave
making your dreams shattered to bits
pulling things apart
sucking life away
there's no way out of this dark future
only a miracle will drive change
even sleepless nights and what it takes to be
just ain't working anymore
no longer can pay by time and energy
but by the 'X' factor

I guess we reached omega
the end that ain't happy
looking to breakaway
but things seem complicated
searching for answers
yet still clueless
it can't be that hard
you've been through it
you said it was breakthrough
things just want to turn uglier
til it's too late.

it's cold.
it's heartless.
but in life there are circumstances
to some destiny
it's fixed
not by God
but by the actions of Man
it leads me
to think that perhaps it's best for me not to be born in the first place.

Even the things you treasure are robbed from you
in the broad daylight
yes, you are not bound in chains
still the small voice within can't say it's liberty,liberty!!!
what more do you want from me?

enough!
enough!
we've reached omega.
there's nothing we can do.

It's December...Finally

2011-11-30T09:44:00.000+08:00

After so much effing hours of wait, OK, I'm here to announce gladly that tomorrow is December.
Finally.

I has been quite some time that I didn't go home since I'm like damn busy that I actually had fever yesterday but I'm feeling better already. Gosh, it's pretty busy with the meetings, assignments,quizzes, and tests that things are like killin' me.

Somehow I love, love,love December. I just love it. Maybe it marks the end of the year. I just love to move on. Things are getting no where. I want to end my agony but who knows this is just the beginning. I wish I had taken the other road. Now my world is just black and white.

Anyway, Happy December. Then we can say goodbye to year 2011.
LOL.

Another Productive Week

2011-11-23T12:24:00.000+08:00

There are like 1001 things to do.
Everything's piling.
Got reminders like all the time.
Quizzes and tests upcomin'
Gosh!
I need SOS!

Okie...just some updates about my oh-so hectic life.
Yesterday was Sultan Johor's birthday.
Had some rest then.
But also had meeting at night from 8 to about 11pm.
I would say it's productive or at least we had come to some point of what to do and things like that.
I had worked on my programs but it all can't run the way it should be.
This really made me very frustrated.
And it's not like I sat in front of the PC for a little while only.
More than 8 effing hours and still can't run.
LOL.
At the same time, I accomplish quite a number of stuff that I should be doing.

4 am in the Morning

2011-11-19T04:01:00.000+08:00

Hi!
Guess this is the first time in my life I'm blogging at 0400 hours.
I was basically or officially imsoniac.
Thank God that I managed to cut my sleeping hours to accomodate my other activities.
But I was weak and so was sick for the past few days.
Still alive though.
Gosh, I should do what one of my besties is doin' "attack!attack!".

Anyway, kill me!Love me!

LOL!

XOXO.

Love Me! Hate Me!

2011-11-14T11:21:00.000+08:00

Greetings people!

Once again I'm blogging all the way from you-know-where....my uni's library.
It's has been ages since I last blog...Ok, at least that's how I feel.
And didn't been updating my life too.
I just want to say that it's either you love me or you hate me.
You gotta take sides because that's actually where I belong I guess.
I'm seriously think that I don't like people.
Yup, especially when you feel like there's a bunch of phonies around ya.
And I don't chew my words.
Hopefully I'll grow up and know that's it's part of life.

I guess, things ain't as beautiful as expected and disasters are everywhere.
It hurts to see so many are dying and yet there's plenty with cold, icy hearts.
There's injustice and all.
I'm beginning to understand more about mankind.
I think humans are destructive.
I really mean it.

Anyway, just ponder about what direction I would love to take over a nicely, brewed coffee.
Reading my past blogs are encouraging for me.
So do the same on yours.
I believe that you'll enjoy those lovely memories of the time long passed and desire for a better future.

This is the Ethiopian coffee that was freshly grind and brewed for us at Barney's.

Things are Falling Apart

2011-11-03T13:48:00.000+08:00

Somehow I'm beginning to feel that things are now falling apart. Everything looks bleak to me. Even the future. I mean, yeah, the world will end anytime soon!

I think I'm now in a phase of soul searching. I guess I changed a lot since I left for JB and I don't think I really know me. I know all this sounds weird but well that's what happen actually. Well, I did study hard here. Yeah, I really mean like a few hours everyday though I do feel left out and all. I don't really click with them. It's just that I feel that they're a bunch of nosy phonies.Yeah, I don't really have much issue about talking, doing assignments with them but there are times that I do feel that they are taking advantage of me.

Things ain't working the way as expected. My grades are driving me suicidal. Imagine the exercises and all I can do plus I can even teach my friends minus Maths of course. I really need SOS for that. But I just don't get why I have what I would call as self-doubt. I tend to change my answers from right to wrong. And it's hurting my carry marks. I'm really afraid that I had actually made the wrong decision of coming here in the first place. There's one question that I really want to ask God if given the opportunity.
"why do I have to go through all this shit if this is really your plan?"

I need answers. I'm really living in misery here. Yeah, I don't have a prob putting on my sweetest smile or even the cutest face but.....I'm getting more miserable each day. I somewhat regretted declining the job offer in Singapore. I should have gone then I would need to live in a demographic biased place. I'm feeling very out of place here. And also I could have studied part time there. I guess that will be a better option rather than I have to put up with so much unhappiness here.

Gosh, it's like you have to leave a good impression and kiss ass. I hate all this pretense and all but I guess in life things are tough.

Some Pics on UTM

2011-10-29T00:09:00.001+08:00

This is sort of my second home in UTM~PSZ library. My hostel is way too far from my faculty so no choice have to wait in the library. This library is 4-storey high so you can exercise all you want if you want to be thin.

These are some stuffs that I received upon registration. And also my matric card. In the bag, there are UTM T-shirt, umbrella, all the brochures and flask.

Thank God for this invention so I can continue to have hot showers since Day 1 in UTM. I know this sounds pathetic.

This is the main hall-Dewan Sultan Iskandar.

Another pic in the hall.

Medical Center

Another pic on Med Center and the waiting system.
Sad thing is you need to scan your number first rather than automated.

My First Deepavali Outside Melaka

2011-10-27T16:46:00.000+08:00

It's me again and I feeling really lethargic from stuffs at school.
Also I'm kinda jealous when my friends are like enjoying longer holidays than me.
It's so sad that I only have one day off.
Anyway I decided to make the best of my Diwali holiday.
I went to Desaru, a beach.
It's awesome if you're always in the college and this is like a breakaway kind of outing.
The beach ain't that beautiful but I anticipated the trip as I trust that I need to reflect a lot on my life and to try make things better.
I guess, there's really much work to be done since I'm now an EXCO in the club that I joined and for any activity my uni require quite a lot of paperwork and details.
The activities are quite a lot and I'm not really sure if I'd made the right choice but I guess it's a little too late to regret.
Time to learn to work under tight deadlines I guess.
It's just that I'm a little afraid that it's overwhelming for me.
People, I need lots of prayers from you all.

Bye for now.
With lots of wishes for a better you.
Love ya.
Happy Diwali.

Moving On

2011-10-25T23:18:00.000+08:00

I noticed that these days my course mates and I tend to use this phrase a lot.
When I say a lot, I really mean it.
It's a lot.
Something like it's a full stop or so.
Seriously, I did badly in a few quizzes or so.
And it's not like I didn't study.
I did but it's just that things don't work out right.
OK, maybe it worked out right but it ain't what I wanted or expected.
Seriously,I felt hurt.
A little discouraged.
Again, this phrase is useful.
Keep Moving On.
Get things kickin'.

2011-10-18T21:45:00.000+08:00

Just getting more and more busy each day.
Hopefully that my presentation tomorrow will be fine.
I'm afraid actually.
I actually Skype home yesterday and it's really good to see my family face-to-face.
Awesome!!!
Thank God for technology.

October 14 2011

2011-10-14T11:27:00.001+08:00

Hi folks!!

lots of regards from me here.
my life here is getting more and more boring each day.
and it's seems like the time just love to tick so so so SLLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW.
can't believe that i actually look more than 20 times at my watch in just 2 hours.
ok ....i exaggerate a lil.
believe it or not... i can't live without my watch.
also that lecturers' assignments and all other activities are like getting awakened each day.
sometimes i will be like....."can someone just kill me now!!!"
it's just too unbelievable that the lecturers also confused...this proved that i have the talent of making people more confused.
ok...not just me.
there's other people that contribute to the confusion.

ok gotta go for now.
hope you all will enjoy your life til it blast.
gosh, just stay true to ya identity and please be safe.
lots of hugs and kisses
me signed off XD